Spoiler
ratings guide here
(opens in a new window). Recaps are in reverse order of publication.
NEW --> Star Trek: Beyond (or: Bees and Energy Vampires)
Now
that we've done the more recognizable stuff, we're going to switch
to an entirely original plot with a lot of possible subtle digs at
Gene Roddenbery, balanced by tributes to the OG cast.
Spoiler
rating: 4
Star Trek: Into Darkness (or:
KHAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!)
New timeline now firmly established, we
revisit a fan favorite of the original series in a different context.
Things get weird between Chrissy and Emilio.
Spoiler rating: 3
Star Trek (or:
Breaking Away)
The first of the reboot series where the
original crew branches into a separate timeline starting at Kirk's
birth. And it works just as well as any time travel premise, actually.
Spoiler rating: 3
Deadpool 2 (or: The Other
Time Travel Marvel Plot)
This came out immediately after Infinity War, but was a much welcome
break after Endgame for me as a recapper.
Spoiler rating: 3
Deadpool (or: What
Fourth Wall?)
I'm not sure if this even goes here, but until
it becomes an official part of the MCU...
Spoiler rating: 3
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of
Shadows (or: Even More Ho Yay and The Fall)
The obligatory Moriarty showdown that every
version of Sherlock Holmes has to go through eventually, this time
coupled with somewhat less common foreshadowing of WWI.
Spoiler rating: 3
Sherlock Holmes (or: Victorian
Action Adventure with Ho-Yay)
The inevitable recap. The BBC series could not have existed without
this.
Spoiler rating: 3
Crimson Peak (or: Gothic
Romantic Tragedy with a Side of Ghosts)
Chrissy drags me into another Tom Hiddelston movie which we
completely fail to finish before Halloween and spends most of it
trying to get me to talk about fic and various headcanons.
Spoiler rating: 3
"Only Lovers Left Alive" (or: The Arthouse Vampire Movie)
As promised, the winner of my Twitter poll for which movie Chrissy
and I should recap.
Spoiler rating: 2
"Kong Skull Island" (or: We're Not Here for
the Plot)
Emilio wanted to join me for another recap and, after a bunch of
tweets about Gorilla penises, here we are.
Spoiler rating: 2
"Vantage Point" (or: Once More with Pretentiousness)
The president is shot at a summit, a bomb goes off and, according
to the preview, we see all of it from the perspectives of eight
strangers. Whoever counted must have been using some sort of new
math because I can't come up with the same number.
Spoiler rating: 5 unless you've seen the full
preview more than twice, in which case 4. Or maybe 3.
"We Are Marshall" (or: A Turkey Off the
Broom with a Flunge)
Do I need to do a summary? Take any random football movie and add
a plane crash and all the accompanying angst and you've pretty
much got it.
[pic
1, pic 2, pic
3, pic 4]
Spoiler rating: 1(0)
"Kingdom of Heaven" (or: Who in the What
Now?)
One
of these days I will recap a movie of Orlando's wherein he does
not have a sword in his hand every other scene. Until then, I'll
just be annoyed by Ridley Scott's usual troup of soulless
characters.
[pic
1, pic 2, pic
3, pic 4]
Old Review
Spoiler rating: Depends on your knowledge of religious/Middle
East history. 1(2)
"Monster In Law" (or: Mommie Dearest?).
When they filmed this movie, they needed a pretty boy used to playing second-fiddle to strong female characters. Unfortunately, Mark Ruffalo wasn’t available, so they went with Michael Vartan.
[pic
1, pic 2, pic
3]
Spoiler rating: 0
"Troy" (or: Hot Guys in Metal
Skirts)
Four words: Brad. Pitt. Orlando. Bloom. 'Nuff said.
Spoiler rating: 1 (4)
"Speed Racer" (or: WHEEEEEBOOM!)
Matthew takes a break from serious roles to dress up in S&M
geer and sit in front of a green screen for days pretending to
drive space cars, occasionally playing mentor to an angsty
teenager who can't seem to move his neck like a normal human.
[pic
1, pic 2, pic
3, pic 4, pic
5]
Spoiler rating: 1(3)
"Black Hawk Down" (or: Zzzzzzzz...)
I'm not entirely certain what the point to this movie was, other
than to shove a whole lot of patriotism down the audience's
throats, but it involved a lot of dust and debris flying at the
camera and Orlando Bloom and Eric Bana attempting to speak in
American accents.
Spoiler rating: 1 (3)
"Myth of Fingerprints" (or: Why God
Invented Psychotherapy)
You
know what? I don't have a clue what the main plot of this movie
was supposed to be, but I typed until my fingers cramped up so I
could finish this recap in time for the holiday season. Enjoy it,
damnit.
Spoiler rating: 3
"One Hour Photo" (or: How to Be a Creepy Stalker in Three Easy Steps).
1. Make sure your hair/skin tone serve to
make you blend completely into the background, 2. Have absolutely
no sense of boundaries, 3. Be batshit crazy.
Spoiler rating: 2
"Mists of Avalon" (or: Mihhists of Avalohhhhhnn).
The story of Camelot from the women’s point of view (yay!). Also, I spend most of it bitching about how long the movie is. Clearly, this was long before LOTR.
[pic
1, pic 2]
Spoiler rating: 1 (2)
"The X-Files: I Want to
Believe" (or: I Waited Six Years
for *This*?)
There's some plot about a guy trying to save his gay lover and a
whole lotta preaching about stem cell research and miracles, but
mostly? Chris Carter officially murders a once beloved series. I'd
send an army of dogs to poo on his lawn, but they saw the movie
too and are now afraid to go near him.
Spoiler rating: 0
"Never Been Kissed" (or: Meeeemmmmrieeees)
Drew Barrymore goes undercover as a high school student and falls
in love with her English teacher after she exposes Diandra to
painful memories...although that didn't make her like the movie
any less.
Spoiler rating: 2
"Sand" (or:
Bleepitty-Bleep-Bleep)
Some guy ditches his loser family only to have them follow him to
a beach, attempt to rape his girlfriend and try to kill each
other. Oh, and Dennis Leary swears like a drunken sailor, but what
else is new?
[pic
1, pic 2]
Spoiler rating: 3
"It Had to Be You" (or: This Old
Cliché)
A
guy and a girl meet on the weekend they are both finalizing their
wedding plans (both are getting married BUT NOT TO EACH OTHER),
and fall in love, which apparently forces them to spew bad,
clichéd dialogue at each other.
[pic
1]
Spoiler rating: 0
"Fiorile" (or: Typical
Italian Angst Fest With Gratuitous Breasts)
The
circle of life. History repeats itself. Blah blah blah. Michael
speaks French and Italian and is dubbed over by a guy who sounds
nothing like him. He's also about twenty years old and minus the
big honkin' tattoo on his shoulder.
Spoiler rating: 3
"Striptease" (or: Why the Razzies
were Invented)
A stripper with a heart of gold tries to get her daughter back
from her slimebag ex-husband (guess who?) and then the writers get
lazy and turn what could have been a nice Erin Brokovich-like
story into a half-ass screwball comedy.
Spoiler rating: 0
"The Curve" (or: College for
Dummies)
A couple college students plot to kill their roommate to insure
the school will give them a 4.0. Yeah. What college is this?
Spoiler rating: ?
"Eye See You" (or: Ewwwwwwww!)
Sylvester
Stalone mumbles his way through yet another movie, Robert Patrick
acts like a total prick and still manages to send Diandra's blood
pressure through the roof and a cop killer obsessed with
mutilating people's eyes grosses everybody out.
Spoiler rating: 3
"Angels Don't Sleep Here" (or: Who Am I? Where Am
I? What's That About a Witch?)
Warning: do not read this recap while trying to operate heavy
machinery as you will likely have mass amounts of painkillers
running through your bloodstream by the end of it to combat the
POUNDING HEADACHE you will get trying to understand this contrived
plot.
Spoiler rating: Either a ? or a 3. I'll let you know when
my head stops pounding.
"Fire in the Sky" (or: The Truth is
Out There...Maybe)
Based
on a true story about a guy who claims he was abducted by aliens.
He was not probed, however, as aliens apparently have the same
fascination with people's eyes as the copkiller in "Eye See You".
Spoiler rating: 1 (2 probably because this one's
almost more review than recap)
"Evolution" (or: Giant Blue Monkeys of Death)
A meteor crashes in Arizona, carrying alien life that threatens to
take over the planet, disaster movie clichés abound, etc. The fate
of the world depends on a couple of community college teachers, a
really clumsy CDC deputy director and a mostly useless firefighter
in training. Basically, if this were the real world we'd all be
screwed.
Spoiler rating: 2, or if you have seen more than two
disaster and/or alien invasion movies: 1