These are my recaps of movies starring (or featuring as the case may be) Michael Vartan, Robert Patrick, Matthew Fox, Orlando Bloom or whoever else I feel like recapping at the moment. They are written in the style of TWoP recaps and contain spoilers. All movies are marked with a spoiler rating. You can check the spoiler ratings guide here (opens in new window). I don't have a ratings system for the movies themselves - such as 1 through 10 - because I'm so damn easy to please that I'd end up giving everything an 8 or 9. ;) NOTE: ratings do not refer to quality of the movie, just the likelihood of spoilers in the recap.


"The Curve" (or: College for Dummies)
A couple college students plot to kill their roommate to insure the school will give them a 4.0. Yeah. What college is this?
Spoiler rating: ?


"Fiorile" (or: Typical Italian Angst Fest With Gratuitous Breasts)
The circle of life. History repeats itself. Blah blah blah. Michael speaks French and Italian and is dubbed over by a guy who sounds nothing like him. He's also about twenty years old and minus the big honkin' tattoo on his shoulder.
Spoiler rating: 3


Friends episode 4x08: "The One With Chandler in a Box" and
Ally McBeal episodes 4x03-4x04: "Two's a Crowd" and "Without a Net"
(or: The One Where Calista Was a Hypocrite)

Michael Vartan guest stars on Friends as the never-before-seen offspring of Tom Selleck's recurring character and goes on a date doomed to disaster with Monica. Three years later, he attempts dating Ally McBeal, who basically *is* a disaster and Calista makes a lot of comments that have no doubt haunted her ever since these episodes aired.

[pic1, pic2]
Spoiler rating: Well, given that these episodes all aired several years ago and both shows were canceled long ago, I'm going to say 1 (3).


"It Had to Be You" (or: This Old Cliché)
A guy and a girl meet on the weekend they are both finalizing their wedding plans (both are getting married BUT NOT TO EACH OTHER), and fall in love, which apparently forces them to spew bad, clichéd dialogue at each other.
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pic1]
Spoiler rating: 0


Kitchen Confidential episode 1x04: "F@#% the French" (or: Boys Will be Juvenile)
In possibly the funniest episode of a now canceled series, Bradley Cooper and Michael Vartan pretend to be bitter rivals, bickering and playing pranks while trying not to make each other giggle. HoYay and incomprehensible accents abound!
[pictures inside]
Spoiler rating: K


"Mists of Avalon" (or: Mihhists of Avalohhhhhnn).

The story of Camelot from the women’s point of view (yay!). Also, I spend most of it bitching about how long the movie is. Clearly, this was long before LOTR.

[pic1, pic2]
Spoiler rating: 1 (2)


"Monster in Law" (or: Mommie Dearest?).

When they filmed this movie, they needed a pretty boy used to playing second-fiddle to strong female characters. Unfortunately, Mark Ruffalo wasn’t available, so they went with Michael Vartan.

[pic1, pic2, pic3]
Spoiler rating: 0


"Myth of Fingerprints" (or: Why God Invented Psychotherapy)
You know what? I don't have a clue what the main plot of this movie was supposed to be, but I typed until my fingers cramped up so I could finish this recap in time for the holiday season. Enjoy it, damnit.
Spoiler rating: 3


"Never Been Kissed" (or: Meeeemmmmrieeees)
Drew Barrymore goes undercover as a high school student and falls in love with her English teacher after she exposes Diandra to painful memories...although that didn't make her like the movie any less.
Spoiler rating: 2


"One Hour Photo" (or: How to Be a Creepy Stalker in Three Easy Steps).

1. Make sure your hair/skin tone serve to make you blend completely into the background, 2. Have absolutely no sense of boundaries, 3. Be batshit crazy.
Spoiler rating: 2


"Sand" (or: Bleepitty-Bleep-Bleep)
Some guy ditches his loser family only to have them follow him to a beach, attempt to rape his girlfriend and try to kill each other. Oh, and Dennis Leary swears like a drunken sailor, but what else is new?
[pic
1, pic2]
Spoiler rating: 3


"Angels Don't Sleep Here" (or: Who Am I? Where Am I? What's That About a Witch?)
Warning: do not read this recap while trying to operate heavy machinery as you will likely have mass amounts of painkillers running through your bloodstream by the end of it to combat the POUNDING HEADACHE you will get trying to understand this contrived plot.
Spoiler rating: Either a ? or a 3. I'll let you know when my head stops pounding.


"Eye See You" (or: Ewwwwwwww!)
Sylvester Stalone mumbles his way through yet another movie, Robert Patrick acts like a total prick and still manages to send Diandra's blood pressure through the roof and a cop killer obsessed with mutilating people's eyes grosses everybody out.
Spoiler rating: 3


"Fire in the Sky" (or: The Truth is Out There...Maybe)
Based on a true story about a guy who claims he was abducted by aliens. He was not probed, however, as aliens apparently have the same fascination with people's eyes as the copkiller in "Eye See You".
Spoiler rating: 1 (2 probably because this one's almost more review than recap)


"Lost episode 1x12: Outlaws"
(see: Matthew Fox)


"Striptease" (or: Why the Razzies were Invented)
A stripper with a heart of gold tries to get her daughter back from her slimebag ex-husband (guess who?) and then the writers get lazy and turn what could have been a nice Erin Brokovich-like story into a half-ass screwball comedy.
Spoiler rating: 0


"We Are Marshall"
(see: Matthew Fox)

 


"Haunted" (or: I See Dead People... and other clichés)
(Summaries and spoiler ratings inside)
[pictures inside]


"Lost episode 1x12: Outlaws" (or: Shut Up, Jack!)
In the second Sawyer-central episode of season one, Robert Patrick guest stars as Sawyer's former partner with information on the man who ruined Sawyer's life. Meanwhile, on the Island of No Return, Sawyer mounts an expedition to hunt down a boar he thinks is out to get him because he is paranoid and childish and Kate joins him to fuel the Skaters of the "Lost" fandom. Also, Jack annoys Diandra but he does that in almost every episode.
[pic
1, pic2]
Spoiler rating: 4


"SNL episode 32x07" (or: Let's All Talk About How Cute Matthew is and Call it a "Sketch")
Matthew does guest hosting duties on the ever devolving SNL and I am reminded of why I hardly ever watch this show anymore.
Spoiler rating: Um...it was a live show and aired in '06 so I'm gonna go with 1(0).


"Speed Racer" (or: WHEEEEEBOOM!)
Matthew takes a break from serious roles to dress up in S&M geer and sit in front of a green screen for days pretending to drive space cars, occasionally playing mentor to an angsty teenager who can't seem to move his neck like a normal human.
[pic1, pic2, pic3, pic4, pic5]
Spoiler rating: 1(3)


"Vantage Point" (or: Once More with Pretentiousness)
The president is shot at a summit, a bomb goes off and, according to the preview, we see all of it from the perspectives of eight strangers. Whoever counted must have been using some sort of new math because I can't come up with the same number.
Spoiler rating: 5 unless you've seen the full preview more than twice, in which case 4. Or maybe 3.


"We Are Marshall" (or: A Turkey Off the Broom with a Flunge)
Do I need to do a summary? Take any random football movie and add a plane crash and all the accompanying angst and you've pretty much got it.
[pic
1, pic2, pic3, pic4]
Spoiler rating: 1(0)

 


"Black Hawk Down" (or: Zzzzzzzz...)
I'm not entirely certain what the point to this movie was, other than to shove a whole lot of patriotism down the audience's throats, but it involved a lot of dust and debris flying at the camera and Orlando Bloom and Eric Bana attempting to speak in American accents.
Spoiler rating: 1 (3)


"Extras episode 2x01: Orlando Bloom" (or: Let's Hear it for Stupidity!)
Orlando parodies himself on one of Ricky Gervais' many British sitcoms and I cry quietly over the state of humanity.
Spoiler rating: ? I've never watched the show, so I don't know what qualifies as spoilers.


"Kingdom of Heaven" (or: Who in the What Now?) One of these days I will recap a movie of Orlando's wherein he does not have a sword in his hand every other scene. Until then, I'll just be annoyed by Ridley Scott's usual troup of soulless characters.
[pic
1, pic2, pic3, pic4]
Old review
Spoiler rating: Depends on your knowledge of religious/Middle East history. 1(2)


"Lord of the Rings" (or: How to Say Very Little in the Course of Nine Hours)
(Summaries inside – now included: The Hobbit)
General spoiler rating: 1 (more inside)


"Pirates of the Carribean" (or: Shiver Me [WHACK!] Timbers)
(Summaries and spoiler ratings inside)
[pictures inside]


"Troy" (or: Hot Guys in Metal Skirts)
Four words: Brad. Pitt. Orlando. Bloom. 'Nuff said.
Spoiler rating: 1 (4)

 

 

 

 

Other

 


"Evolution" (or: Giant Blue Monkeys of Death)
A meteor crashes in Arizona, carrying alien life that threatens to take over the planet, disaster movie clichés abound, etc. The fate of the world depends on a couple of community college teachers, a really clumsy CDC deputy director and a mostly useless firefighter in training. Basically, if this were the real world we'd all be screwed.
Spoiler rating: 2, or if you have seen more than two disaster and/or alien invasion movies: 1


NEW - - > Marvel Cinematic Universe (or: I Have Officially Gone Insane)

Summaries inside


Sherlock (or: Oh, Just KISS Already!)

Summaries inside


NEW - - > Sherlock Season Four (or: One Way Ticket to an Asylum)

Summaries inside


SNL episode 42x05 (or: There is Something Seriously Wrong With Me)

I recap SNL again over the course of several days in a desperate effort to distract myself from the disaster that was Election 2016. It's debatable which is the bigger mess: the recap or the episode itself.

Spoiler rating: 1(0).


Torchwood (or: Slash Heaven)

(Summaries inside – includes three episode Doctor Who crossover).


Torchwood: Season Two (or: Now With Actual Slash and Zombies)

(Summaries inside).


Torchwood: Children of Earth (or: Contact Meets Children of the Corn)

(summaries inside)


NEW - - > Torchwood: Miracle Day (or: Be Careful What You Wish For)

(summaries inside)


"The X-Files: I Want to Believe" (or: I Waited Six Years for *This*?)
There's some plot about a guy trying to save his gay lover and a whole lotta preaching about stem cell research and miracles, but mostly? Chris Carter officially murders a once beloved series. I'd send an army of dogs to poo on his lawn, but they saw the movie too and are now afraid to go near him.
Spoiler rating: 0

 

 

Please feel free to give your opinions of my recaps! Feedback would be greatly appreciated!

diandrahollman@gmail.com

 


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