"Kitchen
Confidential": episode 1x04 "F@#%
the French"
(Yes,
I know the title changed, but I like
this one better)
Staring: Bradley Cooper, Bonnie Sommerville, Owain Yeoman, John Cho,
John F. Daley, Nicholas Brendon and Jaime
King
Guest staring: Michael Vartan
Three years ago, Michael Vaughn and Will Tippin met in an episode of
"Alias" but anyone with functioning
eyesight could tell that Michael Vartan and Bradley Cooper had
actually been friends for quite a while already.
They spent an entire season doing scenes that were supposed to be
awkward for the characters but kind of weren't
because they looked just a little too comfortable around each other
and there's probably several yards of film
somewhere consisting entirely of outtakes wherein they totally
dissolved into fits of giggling for reasons only
they would understand. Then, Bradley went off to do half a season of
the undeservedly short-lived "Jack and
Bobby" and finally got a lead role in a show on the FOX network, whose
president has apparently grown bored
recently and taken to canceling shows for the fun of it. Seriously,
that is the only way I can explain some of
the bone-headed scheduling that's been going on lately. "Oddball
comedy about lawyers,
eh? Let's not advertise for it at all, put it in the most competitive
time slot of the week against 'Lost' and
only let it run for two weeks before pulling the plug. Y'know, just so
people don't think we're trying to revive
'Ally McBeal' or something. Oooo...a 'Sex in the City' style show set
in a restaurant kitchen. Hmm...I know, let's
show it for a couple weeks then take it off the air for three months
(or until the audience has completely forgotten
about it, whichever comes first) and then not advertise it at all when
it comes back just to make sure nobody watches
it before we remove it permanently. What? The ratings went up slightly
anyway? Crap, pull it now, before anyone
notices!"
"Oddball comedy about lawyers, eh? Let's
not advertise for it at all, put it in the most
competitive time slot of the week against 'Lost' and
only let it run for two weeks before pulling the plug.
Y'know, just so people don't think we're trying to
revive 'Ally McBeal' or something.
|
Seriously, can somebody explain to me how this show was canceled and
"Stacked" is still on the air? Is
it because they're comparing the ratings based on the shows following
them? "Confidential" is followed
by "Prison Break" while "Stacked" is followed by...um...by...hang on a
second, it'll come to
me...[stares blankly at the screen for five minutes before running to
consult the TV Guide] "Trading Spouses"?!
If you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up now.
Meanwhile, Michael finally loosened up a whole hell of a lot and then
took a few too many hockey pucks to the head
and opted to do an Aussie/American horror
movie
instead of sticking around for what was already
rumored to be the last season of "Alias". At least that's the
impression I'm getting. But hey, maybe
I'll be surprised and the movie will be nominated for an Academy Award
in 2007. Oh, who am I kidding? That would
be both a miracle and a sign of the Apocalypse. And before anybody
yells at me, I'm not saying he's a bad actor.
I'm saying from what I've heard of the movie so far, it sounds like a
combination of "Lake Placid" and
Standard Hollywood Disaster Movie Plot #3. Yes, I will probably see it
anyway. No, that does not make me a hypocrite.
I would watch Michael Vartan play hockey, which is really saying
something because I hate sports and I would normally
rather watch mold grow than see a bunch of guys with no teeth beat
each other with sticks.
Wow. That was a long and bitter rant. Sorry about that. Anyway, long
story short (too late), before Michael left
for the land of the most dangerous reptiles in the world, he made a
guest appearance on "Kitchen Confidential"
wherein he and Bradley spent the majority of their scenes visibly
trying not to laugh at each other. In other words,
we've basically come full circle. Good lord, am I really on page two
already? Okay, on with the recap!
Swishy opening credits that don't give any names and basically only
feature Jack Bourdain (Bradley) sauntering
through the kitchen of the show's restaurant, Nolita, and end on a bra
hanging from the rack of pots and pans which...can't
be sanitary but sets up the show perfectly.
Jack's voice over of Hey, This Show is Based on a Book: "you'd think
there's a million restaurants in New
York City, but it's actually a very small world. And the people in the
top kitchens, well, we all know each other."
We see Jack and Vartan (whose character name is Michel because the
person coming up with names is not very creative)
sitting at the bar of Nolita, laughing and chatting and even though we
can't hear what they're saying thanks to
Jack's Voice Over of Rambling Philosophy it's clear that they're
kissing each other's asses. JVO finally shuts
up so Jack can ask "so how do you French guys get all the women? I
mean, granted, you're all very pretty..."
Ha! Clearly he has not met my uncle of the jacked up teeth. Oh, who am
I
kidding. He's still good looking. "But you have this attitude, you
know, you don't bathe." Look out,
incoming clichés! Michael Vartan does a disservice to his heritage by
arguing "no, we bathe. We bathe
in love, we bathe in wine...no, I'm joking, we don't bathe." I stop
the tape and laugh for about five minutes
straight because he is speaking in a ridiculously overdone French
accent that is freaking hilarious. Seriously.
I missed about half the dialogue of this scene the first time I saw it
because I was so busy laughing at his accent.
I'll try to pay attention this time. Snort.
Michel says the rack of lamb is amazing and Jack says naw, shucks,
it's nothing. Michel insists, throwing in a
few adjectives that may or may not be in English, and asks what makes
it so sweet. Jack refuses to give up his
restaurant's secret recipe. Michel needles him barely at all and Jack
caves in and says it's vanilla. See, this
is why Vaughn was the field agent and Will was the analyst. If Will
had been captured on a mission, classified
intel would have run amok! "Get out," Michel says. "I can't, I work
here," Jack replies, which
inexplicably causes them and Michel's unnamed associates to laugh
hysterically. Yep, lots of ass kissing going
on here.
Mimi, Nolita's head waitress, appears and says she needs to talk to
Jack. Jack tries to weasel out of talking to
her but Michel protests that he must not make his "girlfriend" wait.
This launches a flurry of denial
from Jack and Mimi, including his hilariously delusional claim of
"*she* wants to, but I'm not..." Mimi
drags Jack away and Michel mutters something I can't make out but I'm
guessing was along the lines of "damn
she's hot" and whistles.
Mimi takes Jack only a few feet away and chews him out for comping
five entrees. Jack says, yeah, but these are
the chefs from "Maison Valentine" across the street, so, you know,
deal. Wait a minute. Michael's character
is named Valentine? So basically he's playing another character named
Michael V.? Oy. Jack then goes on a tangent
to say that he and Michel are like brothers and don't they look alike?
Only in the sense that you both have brown
hair, in which case I would like to introduce myself as your long lost
sister. Hi, Brad! "It's like we worked
together before or something," Jack concludes.
I laugh so hard I nearly hurt myself. It took me a couple of hours to
make the connection between the "don't
we look alike" comment and the horrible bleaching incident of 2001,
at which point I laughed some more and my mother became convinced that
I had totally lost my mind. At any rate,
nice one, writers! Although given the nature of this show, I am
somewhat surprised (albeit grateful) that you guys
didn't make a crack about "the time [Jack and Michel] both spent in
Sydney".
Mimi interrupts Jack's babbling to point out that if they don't pay,
she doesn't get a tip and does he think she's
made of money? Jack says well, seeing as how her dad owns the
restaurant, yes, actually, "money and bitterness."
Then he turns and asks if the chefs Valentine want dessert. Mimi
glares at his back and stomps off as Jack begins
describing one of the desserts. He barely gets two words out before
Michel, practically wiping drool from his chin,
grabs him by the arm, nods to the plate on the table and says "and I
thought I was jealous of this rack."
Excuse me while I go vomit. Jack laughs and says he doesn't want to go
there because "to tame that attitude
you need a whip and a wooden chair." I get distracted as my mind goes
off on a tangent involving Michel and
a pair of handcuffs. Oh, wait. I already wrote that fanfic. Three
times, if I remember correctly. Never mind. Sorry.
Michel chuckles and tells the guy across from him that he needs him to
go to his office and get a couple things...
Everybody laughs again and Michel kisses the top of Jack's head and
pats him on the back. I'm betting somewhere
there's an outtake wherein Michael went for Bradley's lips just to
mess with him a little. Or maybe that's just
wishful thinking. Anyway.
JVO says in the chef business, when another restaurant pays you a
compliment, you return the favor. So we cut to
the usual suspects of Nolita sitting at a table in what is presumably
Maison Valentine which has more subtle lighting
and brick and wine bottles and a picture of the Eiffel Tower and damn
I really like this set. It has a more homey
feel to it than Nolita. Of course, that's probably partly because the
majority of my house is decorated with a
French store fronts theme and partly because Nolita's décor makes it
almost indistinguishable from a hospital
operating room. JVO bullshits that "we're like a community. We all
want *everyone* to do well...as long as
we do better." Uh-huh. Generic Asian Guy (his name is Teddy, but I
don't care) notes that they're serving
everything with frisee, which is an "awkward" lettuce and like "eating
somebody's afro." For
some odd reason, this quote makes it to the memorable sound bytes
section of Entertainment Weekly. Jack says come
on, guys, be nice, then looks around and adds "this place blows." A
guy whose name I found out is Seth
but who I like to call Back-up Jack has been shoving bread in his
mouth throughout this exchange, his expression
growing vaguely orgasmic. He tells them they *have* to try this bread
and shoves pieces into Jack and GAG's mouths.
Everybody gapes and mumbles in awe and BJ declares it the "best bread
ever made."
As BJ scampers off to find the guy who made the bread, the waitress -
Babette - arrives. She also has a thick French
accent, but it's not quite as comical. She is also dressed like a
French maid. Oy the clichés. The Brit,
whose name is apparently Steven (the show was off the air so damn long
I forgot all the characters' names...damn
you, Fox), leers at her and asks "tell me, as a French person, how do
you feel about being...temporarily occupied."
I pause the tape, find a trash can to throw up in and am able to
continue recapping.
Steven
leers at her and asks "tell me, as a French person,
how do you feel about being...temporarily occupied." I
pause the tape, find a trash can to throw up in and am
able to continue recapping.
|
BJ, meanwhile, is creeping down a set of dark, creepy stairs left over
from a horror movie set in search of the
"bread guy". Where the hell is this? Is Michel keeping the guy in a
dungeon? And how the hell was BJ
able to just waltz right on in? I...forget it. BJ says he's a fellow
baker and that's about as far as he gets before
a guy who looks like he just escaped from a mental institution appears
behind him. BJ yelps, startled. "Don't.
Scream," Creepy Guy warns. This of course prompts BJ to scream like a
little girl and run for his life.
Back in the restaurant, Jack asks what Babette would recommend from
the menu. She says they have a new item: rack
of lamb with rattatoui and something I can't understand. Let me guess
- there's vanilla in it? The Nolita crew
goggles at her and then notices Michel standing in the door to the
kitchen. Michel sort of sneers at them and makes
a hasty retreat.
Cut to Steven at his post in the Nolita kitchen sometime later,
sharpening a big ass knife with a scary look on
his face. Jack bitches about how he welcomed Michel into his "home"
and the bastard goes and steals his
entrée. Jack says he knows this is a "kill or be killed" business but
couldn't Michel have at
least had the decency to stab him in the chest and not the back? "I
mean, how does this guy walk around with
stones that big?" Steven looks up from his knife sharpening to assure
Jack that that shouldn't be a "long
term problem for him." Giggle. GAG snatches the knife from him, saying
that knife is *not* for castrating.
Then he hands Steven an even scarier looking knife and says "try
this." Snort. Jack, the steam practically
spewing from his ears, declares that the only thing this "hack" has is
good bread and *their* lamb dish.
Jim the Goodie Two Shoes Rookie wanders over to throw in his two cents
and say it's kind of flattering to know
that Michel liked it enough to steal it, right? Jack tells him to go
into the storage closet and not come out until
he is no longer a "rip roaring idiot." Jim scoots off with his tail
between his legs and Jack picks up
a rolling pin, announcing "Gentlemen. It's time to blah di blee blee
pig." Okay, I know Michael has the
barely-comprehensible accent but what is Bradley's excuse?
Mimi blocks the guys' path out the door and announces that she will
not let them drag her father's restaurant through
the "muck". "Oh, so what're we supposed to do, just bend over," Jack
asks. I have a reply to
that, but I promised myself I wouldn't make any slash jokes in this
recap. Mimi says no, she'll talk to Michel.
"This is a business situation. It needs to be resolved in a *rational*
*manner*." Yeah, right.
So the next thing we see is Mimi, in what is presumably Michel's
office, saying "...and the co-opting of our
menu items technically constitutes tortious interference." Honey?
English is clearly not his native language.
You might want to ease up on the fancy legal jargon. Just a thought.
Not that it matters because Michel is clearly
not listening since the effort of staring at her
generous cleavage is demanding all of his attention. And he admits as
much: "Mmm...I'm sorry, I was just focusing
on your breasts." She rolls her eyes as he hilariously adds "wait,
wait, wait...[sigh] [drags his eyes
up to her face]. Okay, please continue." Mimi slaps him and announces
that she will be filing a sexual harassment
lawsuit against him by morning. Or she just says "oh my GOD. You are
the biggest pig." Really? What was
your first clue? He apologizes and says she's right it's just that he
gets so "nervous" around her because
she's so "fiery and strong and with so much spirit." Mimi, instead of
waking up and smelling the steaming
pile of BULLSHIT, just smiles shyly and blushes. Dipstick. Her smile
falters, however, as he adds "and again:
the breasts." Snerk.
Back at Nolita, sometime later. Mimi swaggers in, a dreamy look in her
eyes and pinches Jimmy's cheeks like she's
his Aunt Carol or something. Oh boy. Jack, hands on his hips, says
"it's been, like, two hours. Where've you
been?" Jack, are you blind? The woman practically has a flashing neon
sign over her head that reads I JUST
GOT LAID! She takes a deep breath and announces that it smells
*wonderful* in here and are they using fresher garlic?
Jack finally gets a freaking clue and, with a disgusted look on his
face, deduces "you slept with him!"
Technically, I wouldn't call it *sleeping*, Jack. Mimi says yep, and
she and Tanya the other ditzbrain waitress
squeal and bump hips. "How could you," Jack demands, getting up in her
face. She says I know, it's not
like me, but "I did do it. Part of me wants to do it again. Part of me
did do it again. HAAAA!"
Cut to Jack et al sitting around the bar after closing. "So," Jack
declares as this hilariously comical
battle music plays in the background. "It's official: we're at war."
Jim asks what the hell they're talking
about. Jack says Michel and his lackeys have attacked them. Twice.
Steven adds that they "poked our head waitress."
"Yeah, but didn't she enjoy it," Jim points out. Ah, the voice of
reason. I love you, Jim. "That's
not the point," GAG barks angrily. "If he is willing to have sex with
Mimi there is not telling how low
he will go." Actually, I think that may be about as low as he can get.
BJ tearfully says they sent her on
a "diplomatic mission" and Michel sent her back "sullied and defiled."
"And satisfied,"
Jim snarks. Dear Jim, I love you. Sincerely, Diandra. Jack tells him
to go to his "idiot hole" and Jim
stomps off. Steven announces that they're been given an excuse to beat
the ever loving shit out of those French
bastards so what're they waiting for? Jack says screw that, they're
going to "grab the beating heart out of
their restaurant" and then "show it to them." Okay, I just spent the
last few minutes staring at
the computer screen while my muse started mentally composing the most
disturbing fan fiction scenario I've ever
come up with regarding how Jack might get back at Michel. Needless to
say, there was slash involved and it may
not have been entirely consensual. If you'll excuse me I need to go
light some candles and say a few Hail Mary's.
Ahem.
Waitress
Tanya is on the phone, saying "so that's 5,000
lobsters for Ivana Tinkle...and the name on the buzzer
is Phil McCrackin?" Looks like Bart Simpson has found
a new victim.
|
Next day. Jack enters the kitchen and introduces the crew to "Adam",
the creepy bread guy from Maison
Valentine, who he just poached. BJ looks like he may have peed himself
a little and ducks behind Steven for protection
as Jack and GAG high five each other. GAG goes to high five Adam who
just sneers and says "I am separate from
you. My space will be respected." Then he marches off, presumably to
his new dungeon. So how is it that this
purportedly fantastic bread is being made by the only non-French
employee of Maison Valentine? Huh? "Ten-one
that guy has a necklace made of ears," GAG says. Heh.
Sometime later...I guess. I'm really not at all clear on the timelines
of this show. Jack is giving the "battle
plan" to his "troops" while the war music parades across the
soundtrack again. He tells them to
be on their toes and look out for large pizza deliveries and bogus
phone orders...y'know, the usual frat boy pranks.
Meanwhile, Waitress Tanya is on the phone, saying "so that's 5,000
lobsters for Ivana Tinkle...and the name
on the buzzer is Phil McCrackin?" Looks like Bart Simpson has found a
new victim. Jack rips the phone from
her hand and hangs up.
Mimi enters and tries to scoot past Jack unnoticed. It doesn't work
and he demands to know where she's been. "Oh,
I had a...uhh...doctor's appointment," she splutters. "For
this...*thing* with my toe. I may have, uh...
Frangelitis, which is a disease of the toe." Yeah, Mimi, that might
have worked better if A) it wasn't so
lame and B) you didn't look like you had shoved your head in a working
blender before stumbling into the restaurant.
"You did it again," Jack concludes. Wow, Jack, that's brilliant. It's
a wonder you didn't become a detective.
"Has it occurred to you that he's using you to get to me," Jack asks.
"Oh, get over yourself, he
doesn't even *like* you," she replies. In my head. Jack says she's
"endangering" them and it can't
happen again. "Are you forbidding me," she asks, shocked.
"Wow...that's hot. I didn't think the
sex'd get any hotter but it JUST DID!" Then
she cackles merrily and skips off to go write in her diary about how
"dreamy" Michel is. Or something
like that.
Later, the flamingly gay Nolita waiter flourishes into the kitchen and
says "summon the freak! We need more
bread!" Steven and GAG high five and Jack says that what is more
satisfying than the fact that his patrons
are happy and stuffing themselves full of orgasm-inducing bread is the
knowledge that Michel's patrons are currently
miserable. His cellphone rings and he answers, still chuckling. "Right
now? Okay." He hangs up, says
"gimme five" and goes out into the back alley, lighting up a cigarette
the moment he steps into the fresh
air. Michel is already there, surrounded in his own cloud of smoke.
"So you have taken my baker," he
observes. Jack says uh-huh and gloats. Michel gets in his face and
asks if he didn't think that was a bit "excessive".
"Excesseeeeeeve?" Jack mocks. "Uh, you raided my menu." Michel asks
why Jack is so "threatened"
by him. "Is it because maybe you see in me what you hate in yourself."
Apparently he moonlights as a
psychologist. "Oh, no, I don't have an annoying filthy Frenchman in
me," Jack deadpans. Michel laughs
and says "everybody's got an annoying filthy Frenchman in them, Jack,
ask your girlfriend." Ackkpptt.
Okay, A) that was terrible and B) I am jabbing myself in the arm with
my pen so hard in an effort to keep from
making a joke about Michel offering to prove it to Jack that I'm
practically drawing blood. And I basically just
made the joke anyway, didn't I? So I gave myself ink poisoning for
nothing. Lovely.
Jack starts to protest - again - that she is not his girlfriend and
then gives up and demands that Michel take
the lamb off his menu. Michel says send back the freakshow baker and
we'll talk about it. Jack laughs for a moment
and then turns serious and says no. I have to hand it to Bradley, he
has pretty good comic timing. And while I'm
complimenting people, I should say that while Michael's ability to
pull off a British accent seems to have deteriorated
over the years, he more than makes up for it with everything else. The
last time I heard him speaking with a French
accent ("Alias"), not only did it warble all over the place but he
sounded like he was attempting to
swallow his own tongue. His accent here may be overdone, but it
doesn't falter throughout. Trust me, I was listening
for it. In fact, it is so flawless that the woman summarizing the
episode for Entertainment Weekly seemed to be
under the impression that this is Michael Vartan's normal voice. If
that's the case then she must have fallen on
her head when she was a child because *nobody* talks like that other
than cartoon characters and James Bond villains.
Michel says okay, then "I guess it is, how you say, on?" Jack takes a
drag off his cigarette, blows smoke
in his face and says, in a mockingly fake accent "mon ami, it eez
to-tah-lee 'ow 'u say...*on*."
Michel: It ezz on.
Jack: Yes, I said that.
Michel: Okay.
Jack: Yeah.
[Diandra dissolves into a fit of giggles]
I should point out
that there is approximately two
inches of space between their faces (well, it would be three if it
weren't for Michael's nose) and they both look
like they're trying *really* hard not to laugh and just barely
succeeding. I'm sure there's about a mile of film
somewhere wherein they totally lost it and had to do several retakes.
Jack saunters back inside. Michel takes a
drag from his cigarette and shouts the following brilliant comeback at
his retreating figure: "Your cuisine
is ca-ca!" Snort. If you'll excuse me while I watch this scene about
ten more times and giggle like a loon
because that was the funniest damn thing I've seen in a while.
Back in the kitchen, Jim tells Jack that something must be wrong with
the computer because he's got orders for
"ten toilet burgers, a monkey nipple salad, two fart cakes...I'm
sorry, *three* fart cakes and a fish penis
and moose rectum lasagna with supper butt cheese and pineapple salsa."
Well, it's obvious you've been hacked
by a seventh grader. Tanya enters, practically in tears and says Mrs.
Tinkle just arrived and demanded to know
where her lobsters are. "Apparently this happens to her a lot," she
whimpers. Ha!
Commercials. I would rent Cinderella Man, but I feel like I should
really watch the other twenty Rocky movies first
and I just...don't want to.
JVO returns to needlessly inform us that everything is done on
computers nowdays - including restaurant orders
- and "if the system crashes, you'd better know how to work around
it." Ah, problem #5,620 with modern
America: nobody does. Jack, reading an order slip, flags down the
Flamingly Gay Waiter and asks what a "rod
sniffer" is. "My boyfriend," FGW does...not...say. "Red snapper," he
says defensively.
Jack crumples the slip and throws it at him, announcing to the wait
staff that his new rule is "if I can't
read it, I don't make it." If my employers had that rule I and about a
dozen customers would be screwed. Then
again, I just work at a small, family owned Chinese take-out place in
a Twin Cities suburb, not a fancy (read:
expensive) high-class restaurant in New York City.
Cut to Mimi out at one of the tables, explaining that she's going to
have to charge the customer's credit card
via the "old school" method. Then she sticks the card in the slider
thingy (Yeah, I have no idea what
it's called. When our cash register broke down I had to use a
calculator and then reprogrammed the register myself)
and the handle flies right off, accompanied by a man yelping in pain
from off camera. She flusters, smiles and
points out the line where they add the tip.
Meanwhile, Tanya is also apologizing for the technological problems,
but she says she has a system for remembering
who all the people waiting to be seated are. With a bright smile
plastered to her face, she recites: "Awkward
first date, icky guy with mistress, couple about to break up and girls
night out." How about "Never coming
here again"? Did you
Jack,
reading an order slip, flags down the Flamingly Gay
Waiter and asks what a "rod sniffer" is. "My
boyfriend," FGW does...not...say.
|
remember them?
After hours battle planing. Part the second. "So it appears that
Michel is slightly more capable than I assumed."
Slightly? Jack, he brought your entire restaurant to it's knees with
one childish prank. I'd say he deserves a
bit more credit than that. GAG agrees with me, except he replaces the
words "childish prank" with "mouse
and keyboard". Jack says so what do you want us to do about it? Cry
uncle and let him win? GAG says yeah,
that sounds like a good plan. Heh. "Where's your sense of honor," Jack
asks accusingly. Well, Jack, I'm
thinking *yours* went out the window right around the time you stole
Michel's baker at the crack of dawn. Honor
my ass. GAG says they didn't get involved in this business for honor
anyway. "We do it for food, money and
sex. We screw up the first one, the other two vanish. That terrifies
me. I am out of this war." I love him.
And is it just me or is Jack less protagonistic and more obnoxious
than usual in this episode? BJ taunts GAG as
he storms off with a few 'yeah, just walk away's until a knife flies
into the column next to his head. Steven tells
BJ not to worry about that because "[GAG]'s breasts just get tender
this time of the month." Oh, whatever
you pig.
Later, Mimi is heading out the door when Jack sidelines her and asks
if she's going to see her "boyfriend".
"You're just jealous," she sneers. "Yes, but if he's hot for you then
clearly I'm not his type,"
Jack replies. Yeah, I gave up trying to resist the slash jokes.
Actually, he says maybe he's upset because she's
driving her father's restaurant into the ground just so she can "play
bury the baguette." Thank you,
Jack. I will never again be able to eat French bread. Where did I put
that trash can? Mimi says for his information
she hates Michel for what he did to them and it is so over between
them, you hear? OVER!
And we cut to Mimi making out frantically with Michel. I take it those
classes on being more firm and assertive
aren't working out for her then? She says something about how she
feels really bad about this but it's hard to
understand the actual words since they're mostly muffled by his lips.
He says she can save the guilt for later
and they fall sideways out of frame.
Meanwhile, Michel's head waitress Babette strikes a dramatic pose in
the doorway to Jack's office, cigarette smoke
curling thickly around her (my lord, do any of these people *not*
smoke?) and announces that her boyfriend is boinking
Jack's girlfriend. Jack instinctively regurgitates the same old "she's
not my girlfriend" routine. Oh,
let it go. Babette, like everyone else, is sick of this argument and
says "we should be having intercourse
by now." Well, let's not beat around the bush or anything. Jack
protests feebly as she plops herself in his
lap and shoves her tongue in his mouth. He, of course, doesn't do
anything further to stop her.
Next day. Jack, who doesn't look nearly as "look at me, I had sex!" as
Mimi, tells BJ he thinks the stolen
baker is "phoning it in" and he wants BJ to go "lean on him". After a
couple of viewings I've
decided that either Jack did finally turn down Babette's offer or the
writers completely forgot about that scene
in the rewrites because he doesn't look at *all* like a man who got
lucky last night. BJ flails and says he has
to drink to even get up the courage to look at the guy and he's drunk
right now, come to think of it and DON'T
MAKE ME GO IN THE DUNGEON WITH THE CREEPY GUY. Jack just says suck it
up and do it anyway.
Steven runs in and plops some sort of machine component on the
counter, yelling "game, set, match,
Tanya
the Twit asks if it's a robot heart. Yes, honey, he
ripped it out of Michel's chest. Turns out Michel
actually died several years ago and has been kept
alive via Rambaldi
technology.
|
Nolita!" Everyone gets excited and applauds and pats him on the back.
Tanya the Twit asks if it's a robot
heart. Yes, honey, he ripped it out of Michel's chest. Turns out
Michel actually died several years ago and has
been kept alive via Rambaldi
technology. NO
YOU IDIOT. Steven
patiently explains that it's a freon compressor, which he removed from
Michel's freezer at three A.M., destroying
about a week's worth of food. Jack asks if he left a "calling card" so
Michel knows it was them. Well,
duh, Jack, who else would it be? I mean, unless he's got another
rivalry going with the British pub down the street,
I'm thinking any pranks are going to be presumed the work of Nolita
until proven otherwise. We get a flashback
of Steven peeing in the middle of Maison Valentine anyway. Ew.
"But doesn't this just make them do something worse to us," Tanya
asks. Wow. The Ditz is the only one
thinking logically. That can't be a good thing. GAG says exactly, but
then Jack always was fond of escalating shit.
Then he psychoanalyses Jack (pretty accurately, in my opinion) as
having an addictive personality and, after giving
up booze and drugs, has turned to conflict as his addiction of choice.
And gambling. But mostly conflict. This
week. Tune in next week, though, when Jack battles his gambling
addiction and...oh, wait. Never mind. Jack mockingly
asks if he's worked on that speech with his therapist. GAG: "we
polished it together, yes. It was meant for
my father BUT IT ALSO APPLIES TO YOU." Hah! Seriously, I love him.
Jack says "I know exactly when to
stop: when he stops." So, in other words, the fifth of never. And in a
scene transition that makes my head
crash violently into the nearest hard surface, he adds "when he's
finished, I'm finished."
Cut to Michel's office, where he sits up on the couch and grunts "I am
finished." Charming. So, other
than the fact that he's hot and he speaks French...what does Mimi see
in him, exactly? Also, why is he still wearing
his shirt? Mimi sits up next to him, zipping up the front of her
dress, and says "finally." I...actually
have nothing to say to that. She says she has to get ready for dinner
service, what about him? He says actually
he has a freezer full of rotten food and a carpet that smells like
piss so no, they're going to be closed tonight.
Aren't they in his office? Is it not in the restaurant or are we
flashing back and forth in time? I mean, if Mimi
left Nolita last night and Steven stole the compressor several hours
later and now she's talking about getting
ready for dinner...I guess we're supposed to assume they've been going
at it all night and well into the day, but
then if they were in the next room how did they not hear Steven
ripping apart the freezer? Were they being that
loud? And why are they both still wearing clothes? Am I over analyzing
this?
Sigh. Sometime later...I guess. The timelines on this thing are so
jacked up that I'm beginning to think I should
just not mention them at all if I want to keep what little is left of
my sanity. Steven saunters into Nolita's
kitchen and announces that it's 9 P.M. and there's no sign of Michel,
probably because all the timeline shifting
has trapped him in a wormhole somewhere. "It's official surrender
guys. I've gotta say, up to this point,
I didn't actually believe he was French." This is the point when my
remote control crashes into the television
screen. Where the hell did this shit about the French always
surrendering come from anyway? Could at least one
television writer try picking up a history book once in a while? Thank
you. Jack smugly says "hey [GAG], see
this? This is me stopping." Then he blathers on some more about his
new status as a man of "reason"
and "peace" and then, of course, the power goes out. "Dog fondler,"
Jim blurts, followed closely
by Steven's "sodding Frenchman" and Jack's "that sonofabitch I'll KILL
'IM!" How are you guys
so sure it's him? I mean, he didn't seem to leave a "calling card"
like a cigarette butt smeared with
Babette's lipstick or the words "Yankee swine" spray painted
How
are you guys so sure it's him? I mean, he didn't seem
to leave a "calling card" like a cigarette butt
smeared with Babette's lipstick or the words "Yankee
swine" spray painted next to the breaker box or
anything. It could be that British pub down the street
again. Damn Brits.
|
next to the breaker box or anything. It could be that British pub down
the street again. Damn Brits.
"Wow," GAG's silhouette gloats from the almost total darkness.
"Complete catastrophe. What a surprise!
Somebody pinch me... OW! Damnit Jim!" "What," Jim asks innocently.
SNORT. God, I love these guys.
DAMN YOU, FOX! Tanya stumbles into the kitchen and whimpers that she's
afraid of the dark and would someone hold
her? What a useless cliché of a woman. Of course, the guys scramble
frantically at that, which leads to
the following exchange:
[BJ grabs "Tanya"]
Steven: Okay, does that *feel* like Tanya to you?
GAG: How would he know what Tanya feels like?
BJ: That is hurtful, it is dark, and you are being hurtful.
Snort. Jack checks the
stove, which lights and announces
that they still have gas so they're still in business. Yeah, but how
much business do you think you're going to
get? I mean, mood lighting is one thing, but people generally like to
see what they're eating, you know, so they
don't put a live spider in their mouth or something. Jack orders Jim
to get the candles and BJ to go get the creepy
baker so they can make some bread.
So of course, BJ now has to go into the horror movie dungeon in total
darkness. Water drips loudly and some Hitchcock-like
music warbles all over the soundtrack. BJ falls head over keister down
the stairs with a hilariously girly scream
and whimpers "oh, my knee!" We switch to a view of him through the
creepy baker's (presumably) night
vision goggles as BJ reminds him that his name is "Seth" and he's
creepy baker's supervisor. Why does
the guy have night vision goggles? Screw the necklace made of ears,
I'm thinking this guy smears himself in peanut
butter and runs around the house naked at least once a week. You know,
just because. He taps BJ on the cheek with
a loaf of bread (at least I hope that's what it is) and BJ squeals and
turns to run, knocking himself out on a
metal support beam with a loud CLANG. Hee.
After closing. The power is still out. Jack congratulates the guys on
their improvisation. "Now it's time
to deliver the death blow." Nuh-uh, Steven snaps that it's "over". Did
he and GAG have a personality
switch just in the last few hours? "What," Jack says cluelessly, as if
the concept of letting go and
taking the higher road is totally foreign to him. Which is entirely
possible. Steven says they're plotting by candlelight
for God's sake. "They've plunged us into a Merchant Ivory film. I
bloody hate those films!" I hate to
sound like Temperance
Brennan
over here, but I don't know what that means.
"What are you saying," Jack asks. Seriously, Jack, do you need a
translator or what? Steven says this
is getting too "hardcore" even for him and he's backing out. "Well, I
don't need you're help,"
Jack shouts after him as Steven storms from the restaurant. "I can
fight my own battles! I'm a one man army!"
Anyone else think he's sounding disturbingly like President Junior?
Shut up, Jack. Wow. Déjà vu.
Shut
up, Jack. Wow. Déjà
vu.
|
Jack turns to Jim and says it's just the two of them now. Jim says
yeah, about that... "I have objected to
everything that you and Michel have done to each other. I was raised
to believe that it is immoral to knowingly
harm someone else, and that men shou ld not have wild, kinky sex with
other men..." Oops, my muse got away
from me again. Scratch that. "But above all, I believe in loyalty. So
if you see fit to ask me to do something
that goes totally against my principles... well, I would do it because
I'm a spineless coward with no sense of
self respect and I would probably jump off a bridge if everybody else
was doing it." Okay, so that last part
may have just been *implied*. "Cool," Jack interrupts, shoving a cloth
bag into his hands. "Here's
a sack full of rats. You know what to do with 'em." He stalks off as
Jim freaks. Heh.
Commercials. Any guy who borrows a snow plow to drive to his
girlfriend's house in the middle of the night on Christmas,
waking her and getting her to come outside in the snow wearing only
her pajamas just so he can propose to her is
an overachiever. If that makes me unromantic, then so be it.
Nolita kitchen. Whenever the fuck. Steven demands to know where Jim
is. Jack says he's doing what "you wusses"
were too "scared" to do: "finishing off Michel". I just got the
weirdest mental image...and
I'm not the only one whose mind dipped into the gutter at that
statement, apparently, as Steven retorts "Oh,
isn't that Mimi's job?" They are interrupted by a shout from the alley
and run out to find GAG hovering over
Jim, who is laying bound, gagged and, by all appearances naked inside
a dumpster filled with ice and fish. Jack
rips his gag off and he whimpers "can you help me get the sardines
out?" Oh, please tell me that doesn't
mean what I think it means.
Jack's office. Jack drapes a blanket over Jim, who looks not unlike a
newly released POW. "There were Frenchmen
everywhere," he babbles, wide eyed. "And they were all smoking! And
speaking with ridiculous accents!"
Yeah, that last one was me. Sorry. "Oh, my god, I smell bad," Jim
moans. "No, it's fine," Jack
lies. Jim says he's sorry, really, he tried! Jack says no, *he's*
sorry. "I let my ego and my passion just...get
the better of me." Then he goes on a mini rant about how screwed up
Michel must be to steal from his menu
and stab him in the back like that. Really, Jack? Do you really want
to go there? The point is..."I went too
far. [GAG]'s therapist is right. It's over." Wow, that was big of him.
Are you sure you don't need to lie
"There
were Frenchmen everywhere," he babbles, wide eyed.
"And they were all smoking! And speaking with
ridiculous accents!" Yeah, that last one was me.
Sorry.
|
down, Jack? Maybe take a nap? I mean, a revelation like that could
take a lot out of a guy. He tells Jim to sleep
it off, who says "okay" in a childish voice, all doe-eyed and I half
expect him to call Jack "Daddy".
Jack stops mid-exit to ask if he remembered to get rid of the rats.
Jim, who is clearly not having a good day,
says "Yeah, I got mugged on the way over there." Jim, if you're going
to work for Jack you're going to
need to develop a better sense of self preservation. Or at least take
some self defense classes.
Elsewhere, Mimi is on the phone, obviously talking to Michel, ranting
that he has gone too far and Jim is just
an "innocent kid" damnit whyeeeee? "You and I are completely over,"
she spits. "You get
that?" Michel ignores the question and asks if she's wearing a thong.
Yeah. 'You are a bastard and I never
want to see you again!' 'Uh-huh. So, what're you wearing?' Snort.
"Yes," Mimi answers in a tiny voice,
a hilarious look of self-disgust on her face. He asks what color it is
and she spits "MichelIwillnothavesexwithyouonmyfather'sbusinessphone."
Then she looks around the empty room, hisses "I'll be there in a
minute", hangs up and scampers off.
Either he's a freaking Don Juan in the bedroom or she has some major
issues. I'm betting it's the latter by about
fifteen to one.
Jack wanders into the wash room to find the rest of the guys sifting
through a box of crowbars and mini blowtorches
and hacksaws and various other tools, some of which don't seem to even
belong in a restaurant. He demands to know
what they're doing. Steven says they're just "preparing a little gift
for Michel". What, a coffin? Seriously,
don't you think beating him to within an inch of his life is a bit
extreme, Steven? Jack snatches the hedge clippers
of whatever they are from the dishwasher-slash-former gang member
and/or prison inmate and says no, "it's
over, okay? You see what they did to Jim?" GAG says yeah, that's the
point. "We were against this when
it was about your ego, but now they harmed Jim." "Jim is our friend,"
BJ pipes in. "We decide
what harm comes to him." Heh. Jack starts to argue that Jim is fine
and they should just concentrate on running
the restaurant now when Jim himself wanders in behind them and says
it's okay, they don't have to avenge him. Really.
He holds up a cellphone and adds that he "took care of it." That can't
be good.
Ominous cut to Michel and Mimi sucking face on his couch. Mimi rips
herself away from him and leaps to her feet,
saying this is "wrong" and "I have to take a stand." Michel, whose
remarkable understanding
of the English language doesn't seem to cover this particular
expression, takes this to mean she wants to do it
against a door. Or maybe he just doesn't have enough brain cells
firing at the moment for him to get her meaning,
what with the blood rushing in the wrong direction. She grabs his arm
as he starts to walk away and says no, "you've
hurt my friend, you've hurt my father's business and...I've rewarded
you with meaningless sex." Okay, back
up a second. Her "friend"? Since when does she consider Jim - or any
of the guys at Nolita for that matter
- her "friend"? I may not remember much about the show since it was
off the air for so long, but that
just doesn't seem right. And is that a Mona Lisa *lamp* behind her
head? I'm all for French-themed decor and everything,
but that just seems *tacky*. Anyway.
She wants it to end right now. Michel protests (of course) and
promises to call off the feud (too late) and please
don't leave! "The truth is I have fallen for you," he says.
COUGHBULLSHITCOUGH. Because she is an *idiot*,
Mimi instantly melts and
admits that she thinks she's falling for him too. I think they're both
confusing love with lust. Then Michel shows
her his mother's ring and she makes a little gasping noise. Yeah,
Mimi, you might want to check that thing for
recording devices and avoid getting in a car with him for a while
because the last time he did this, it got pretty ugly. Before she can say
anything, the doors burst open and a guy waves a gun at Michel and
barks "INS!" Another guy cuffs Michel
as Mimi splutters and protests that he was just "going for the ring",
damnit. INS guy tells a confused
Michel that he's under arrest (really?) and hauls him from the room as
Mimi squeals that they were just "having
a conversation".
Come to think of it, I'm starting to see a pattern with all the
characters Michael Vartan has played who were either
engaged or married. The last five (which is basically all of them)
have been killed
in battle,
traumatized
by a deranged stalker,
caught
in
a war between his fiancee and his nutjob of a mother,
killed in a hail of bullets
(maybe) and
now arrested. I'm starting to wonder if he has some serious
subconscious commitment issues.
Nolita. Jack and co. are sitting around the bar (again) when Mimi
marches up to Jack and spits "you deported
my boyfriend?!" Jack, half listening says "I deported what now?" Mimi
snarls that they're sending
Michel back to France. Jack laughingly says oh, come on, he has a
visa. We don't deport people with visas. Mimi
spits "yeah, we do - if they commit tax fraud!" and stomps off. Jack
turns to Jim who says he didn't
know about the tax fraud. I'm confused, what did he do, exactly? He
must have called INS, right? What the hell
did he tell them if it didn't have anything to do with the tax fraud?
Jack says he can't believe Jim did this "I
mean this is a man's life!" Oh, look who's all holier than thou
suddenly. La fermme, Jacque. Jim sputters
that he is a horrible, horrible person. Jack slings an arm around him
and says "and that's what's going to
make you a great chef someday." "Hnh?" Jim replies. My sentiments
exactly.
So Jack is walking down the street, smoking as his voice over rambles
that "like nature, the restaurant business
is brutal. If you can fight, steal and kill, you'll live for a while."
Yeesh. "But...a restaurant can
only survive in the long term by bearing fruit." Flash of some
horribly dinky "nouvelle cuisine"
dishes being placed in front of some Nolita customers. I will never
understand that. Why would you pay good money
for something that is more "artistic" than "edible" and isn't even
enough food to qualify as
a kid's meal? Jack stops in front of Michel's closed restaurant. "And
try not to cheat on your taxes,"
JVO adds as an afterthought. Gee, thank you for that lesson, oh wise
writers. "He did take the lamb off the
menu," Jack mutters to himself. "Huh." Then he shrugs and skips off.
It's official. He has no conscience
whatsoever.
Commercials. The weather girl on the local news announces that "arctic
air" is headed for Minnesota.
Joy. I've lived here all my life and I still can't figure out why
anyone would choose to live here any time between
November and April.
Prison visiting area. Jack and Michel are talking to each other on
those closed-circuit telephones. "So, how's
prison," Jack asks. "Anybody make you their bitch yet?" No, not
really. I just wanted to say that.
Hee. Michel congratulates Jack on his hollow victory. Jack
apologetically says this went further than he ever meant
it to. "No, maybe I deserve to have my life destroyed, I mean, I *did*
make a meat dish in the same manner
as you, eh?" says Pepe le Pew. Jack drops the niceties and says "you
look great in that [prison jumpsuit].
I hope you enjoy it for the rest of your life." Michel says oh, don't
worry, he'll get his revenge. Jack says
yeah, well, seeing as how I'm looking at you through about five inches
of bullet proof glass I'm thinking that's
not very damn likely, but good luck! He hangs up. Michel doesn't move
and watches with a smirk as Jack struggles
to remove his hand from the receiver. Jack puts it back to his ear and
asks if Michel is responsible for his hand
being glued to the phone. "Ouay," Michel chirps brightly. "Oh, but,
ah, not before I had the guard,
how you say [blows a raspberry and points at the ceiling] hog it
down." I have no idea what that means and
I'm afraid to ask. He hangs up and is escorted away as Jack shouts
after him "hey, what does that mean? Guard!
What does that mean? I don't understand...You speak English? WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN?!"
Okay, I'll buy that Michel could have Mimi wrapped around his finger
and be able to sweet talk her into doing just
about anything. He's French; he has a way with women, I get it. But
how the hell did he get the prison guard to
do his bidding? What could he possibly have used to bribe the guy
to...you know what? I don't think I want to know.
Good lord. 15 pages for a half-hour show? I really need to learn to
write less.
~Diandra
Hollman