Saturday Night Live, Episode 47x19, Hosted
by Benedict Cumberbatch
When it was announced that Benedict Cumberbatch would be hosting Saturday
Night Live again, my first thought was "crap, am I going to have to recap
that too?" And then I thought hey, maybe it would be interesting to do it
without the overshadowing "my country is going to hell in a handbasket and
I'm drinking" context. And then the Republican stacked Supreme Court
signaled that they would enable the GOP to take the entire country back to
the 1950s. Or the 1850s. And now I'm pretty sure if I do this I'm going to
be getting major deja vu, but there's something weirdly appropriate about
it. Maybe it will be a sort of therapy? I don't know. At any rate, I invited
Chrissy to join me this time on condition that she bring alcohol.
Chrissy: Pretty sure I would have
done that anyway.
Diandra: Yeah, trust me, if this is anything like last time we do
NOT want to be sober.
Chrissy: I still don't know why you do this to yourself. Well,
yes I do. We need to talk about your masochistic tendencies one of these
days. By the way, I'm remembering that the reason we were talking at some
point during that last SNL recap was because Benedict played a villain in
a sketch and we agreed that if Tom Hiddleston was ever tapped to play
James Bond he should be the villain.
Diandra: IF anyone is ever tapped to play James Bond again, I
want both of them to be villains now. Possibly in the same movie.
Chrissy: That's not where I was going with that thought.
Diandra: Oh, sorry.
Chrissy: Although maybe that does sort of answer my question
because I was just wondering what you thought of the fact that it was
brought up recently that Benedict was originally offered the part of
Malekith in "Thor: Dark World".
Diandra: Meh. Yeah, honestly he so perfectly fits the part of
Doctor Strange that I can't see it. Fun as it might have been to have them
on the screen at the same time for longer than that brief scene in
"Ragnarok". But with the multiverse thing now, there's still time to
correct that oversight.
Okay. Here goes nothing.
Oh, Jesus Christ, we're starting by talking about the overturning of Roe.
Can I nope out of this already?
Chrissy: I'm already getting a
buzz, so I can take over until you catch up.
Diandra: Er...okay.
So the premise of the first sketch is going back to the Middle Ages where
that guy wrote a treatise about abortion that Justice Alito cited in his
insult of an opinion. The guy is played by Benedict, who says he was
thinking about abortion while he was cleaning the shitter. Which totally
tracks with the way most men think the female body works, really.
Diandra: You pee from your vagina,
right?
Chrissy: I like to tell guys who say that that we actually pee
through the clitoris because they have no clue where that is so they don't
question me.
The other two guys that neither D or I recognize bring up laws against
pointy shoes and hunting in the King's forest and "Henry" thinks they should
make a law against abortion that is as "fair and reasonable" as those.
Which...I don't remember what they said was the punishment for pointy shoes,
but the other one was removal of genitals. He thinks they could write
something that hundreds of years later people would say didn't need any
editing at all and could be cited as is.
Diandra: I mean, there will
probably be people who read laws the way they read the Bible, so...either
they'll insist it is gospel or they'll ignore it in favor of other shit
they like better.
One guy suggests leaving it up to each fiefdom instead of making it a law
across all of England.
Diandra: And then we'll make it a
law across the whole country anyway because we are fucking hypocrites.
Chrissy: Keep drinking. Good girl.
Guy two says they need to punish the women though. Because...just...they
really want to. Henry suggests putting them in a boat and sailing it off the
end of the world and maybe one of the four giant turtles holding it up will
eat her. Guy two isn't impressed with that. Guy one comes up with some frat
boy thing involving getting her drunk and tricking her into having sex with
a donkey. Henry thinks there's a risk she would get pregnant from that and
the resulting man donkey they couldn't abort could become king. Somehow.
Both of the guys yell "the prophesy" in horror.
Anyway, Henry says it would be just awful if the town crier were to catch
wind of this conversation. A woman sticks her head in to point out that they
don't have doors and she heard something about a law they're considering.
She has a couple questions. Henry warns that they might drill another hole
in her skull. She asks if maybe the woman (defined as over the age of
twelve) should have a say given the fact that they have a 50% chance of
dying during childbirth. Henry says that's why they get maternity leave.
"When you're done with twenty years of continuous maternity, you can leave."
Guy 2 suggests exceptions for rape and incest. Guy 1 thinks those are the
only kinds of sex they HAVE. The lady asks why they're so obsessed with this
issue anyway. Should they be focused on this plague that's killing them all?
Guy 2 launches into the "I don't have to wear a mask because my body my
choice" argument.
Diandra: Because the writing on
this show is SUBTLE.
Yeah, in case you didn't catch it, the joke is that these people weren't
great intellectuals whose opinions hold up hundreds of years later. But just
in case you didn't get that, they go on for a while about how they've
reached the pinnacle of knowledge and scientific discovery. They take a vote
and all three guys naturally think abortion should be outlawed. A black guy
wanders in suddenly to vote against this, but adds that it doesn't matter
because he doesn't get a vote. "You ever get the feeling that this not gon'
be your century," he asks the audience.
And then Kate McKinnon comes in dressed like a witch and all the males get
as far away from her as possible. Henry calls her an ogre and she corrects
that she's just "a woman in her thirties."
Diandra: But if you're
unmarried...same thing.
She tells the other woman that she just ate a questionable mushroom and saw
the future and these horrible laws will one day be overturned by something
called "progress". And then reinstated fifty years later for some reason
because "all the power comes from a place called Florida." And if you think
this shit is weird, you should see the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial.
Diandra: I've tried ignoring those
visions, but it's like...literally impossible.
She ends by saying that no matter how many choices are taken away from them
"we've always got the choice to keep fighting." Henry says yeah, that's
really inspiring, but I just realized you're a witch so we're going to burn
you. Also...live from New York, it's Saturday Night. And I'm going to hand
the keyboard back to Diandra in the hopes that the alcohol is kicking in now
because damn, this shit is hard.
Yeah. The parallels between that punchline from Kate and the thing she did
in 2016 after singing Hallelujah might have made me tear up a little.
Okay, so the credits tell me that the cast is mostly the same as it was last
time Benedict hosted. I think. But there's, like, a dozen more and I'm not
going to remember all of their names and I hope to be too drunk to bother
looking them up, so...sorry.
Chrissy: Also, I'm pretty sure at
least two of those white guys are totally interchangeable.
Diandra: Were those the two in that first sketch? Because yes.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to tell them apart if they weren't
sitting next to each other.
And yes, I already regret my decision to do this.
Benedict begins the opening monologue by talking about all the story ideas
the writers of this show were pitching for the past week and how most of
them were about Doctor Strange. And when he pointed out that he's been in
other movies recently like "Power of the Dog", one guy told him nobody had
seen that one. He said he was nominated for an Oscar for it, but he was
"beat by Will Smith" like oops, is that a bad way to phrase that? Anyway.
So...remember when he was nominated the first time and his mother went to
the ceremony and told everyone she was rooting for Eddie Redmayne?
Apparently SNL extended an invitation to fly her to New York so she could be
in the audience of this because Mother's Day, but she was on vacation and
said "no, I'm on a beach in Greece, are you insane?"
Chrissy: I'll catch it on Peacock
later. Maybe. And your dad just came back with margaritas, so byyyeeee.
He says he and his mom had cute little pet names for each other. "I called
her pookie and she called me Benedict Cumberbatch".
Chrissy: And she usually giggled
when she said it, which should have been a clue.
And then he went to a boarding school called Hogwarts and she sent him
letters with lovely illustrations and he just wanted to take a moment to
thank her for everything now. Sappy music plays and he looks into the camera
and thanks her for all the wisdom she offered over the years. Like the time
he lost both of his front teeth at the same time and she told him to smile
without opening his mouth so the other kids wouldn't tease him, which he
says explains why he still sometimes smiles like the Grinch. Then he
switches to a different camera to address Sophie, the mother of his...three?
is it three now?...children. Who she tells everyone she gave birth to while
he was off "dressing up like a wizard". But seriously, he ends by thanking
them both and doing an exaggerated, weird Grinch smile and we go to
commercial while I question my life choices because seriously, why did I
think this was a good idea?
Chrissy: If it makes you feel any
better, I also question your life choices.
Diandra: ............how is that supposed to make me feel better
exactly?
Chrissy: I don't know. I'm tipsy and I'm tired from recapping
that one scene. I know I give you a lot of crap when we're doing these,
but I don't know how you do so many hours of this.
Diandra: I abandoned all hope of ever recovering my sanity a long
time ago. That's how.
So skit two is a mother's day party. Aidy Bryant as "mom" gushes about how
wonderful this is and Benedict calls her mom and she says no, I'm you're
wife, honey. "Yeah, that's what I meant," he says quickly and moves on.
Chrissy: I don't have mommy issues
shut up.
The other woman hands her a gift bag and she pulls out a wood sign that says
"life doesn't come with a manual, it comes with a mother." The gifter says
they found it at Home Depot.
Chrissy: And in acknowledgment of
how much thought and care you put into that...you're out of the will.
Benedict hands her a bag and she finally identifies him by name: John. Which
won't be confusing as the alcohol soaks into my brain, I'm sure. This gift
is also a stupid wood sign, this one noting that mom spelled upside down is
"wow".
Chrissy: Got these on a two for one
special did you?
Diandra: Yeah, have fun cleaning those out of the attic when she
dies. Because that's DEFINITELY where they're going.
The lost Hemsworth brother hands her another sign in a bag, which says "dear
mom, we sucked your teats dry and now you look weird in a bathing suit.
Happy Mother's Day!"
Chrissy: Honestly, I would give you
points for avoiding the sappy nonsense altogether.
Diandra: And James is laughing now, but wait til he sees what
they do on Father's Day.
Chrissy: ........you mean John?
Diandra: What did I say?
Chrissy: I think you made the same mistake Arthur Conan Doyle
made, which might explain some things, honestly.
The last guy hands her one and says it doubles as a thank you for welcoming
him to the family. His says "having a mother in law is like having crabs"
with no further explanation. She's like '...what's the punchline?' The
daughter hands her another one that asks "were your ears ringing? I was in
therapy." She notes that that one doesn't even seem to have anything to do
with Mother's Day. John hands her another one that says "dear wife, now that
the kids are grown we don't have sex as much anymore, but we we do sometimes
and that's fine."
Chrissy: And you wonder WHY I'm in
therapy?
She looks at him like 'really?' and he pulls out another one that goes with
it. He reads this one: "don't read into that as me asking for more sex. The
amount that we are doing is good for me. Happy Mother's Day." Mom notes that
these are getting weirdly specific and it's kind of...disturbing. She tries
to soften the complaint by saying they "spent too much". The son in law
assures her they didn't because "they're like $1.99."
The daughter pulls out another one she wants to read herself. It rambles
about how if mom died and dad remarried they would probably eventually be
able to call her mom too.
Chrissy: Luckily, you won't have to
test that because at the rate this is going, I'm going to murder ALL of
you.
Mom is like 'did you not find any of those cutesy ones talking about how
mommy needs her wine then?' John says yeah, they did and hands her a smaller
bag. She reads "oh, look, it's wine-o-clock. I just love watching the sun
rise" and frets that that implies she's drinking at dawn.
Chrissy: Given what we know of
your family now, you can hardly be faulted.
Diandra: Don't you have a sign that says "hey, it's five o clock
somewhere"?
Chrissy: No. It's a t-shirt.
The son in law doubles down with one that says "I only drink on days that
end in 'y' and during hours that have numbers in them." Before she can
respond to that, the daughter hands her one that looks pretty familiar
actually that says "I'm not drunk, it's the wine talking." Except it has a
bunch of little addendum hanging off it that add something like 'no, really,
the BOTTLE is talking to me and it has lips and eyes that are JUDGING me and
I might have done shrooms and oh my god I need to lie down what the FUCK is
wrong with me?!' She protests that she doesn't drink that much, which
prompts the son to hand her a sign that says "you do".
She says that's quite enough of Mother's Day and they all babble apologies
because that seemed like a good idea in the store, but they didn't mean to
upset her and I just realized that Benedict might be doing an American
accent.
Chrissy: Not well enough if you're
just noticing now, apparently.
The daughter hands her another sign somewhat sheepishly and she reads an
actual greeting card statement with a "thank you" and a "we love you". She
agrees that this one is nice and the son in law notes that it has a little
flip down addendum too. She sighs and flips down the part that says "we
suspect dad has a secret family." John laughs nervously and asks if anyone
wants more pancakes. She asks if that's true and we pan out as she is
answered by dead silence.
The next skit starts with a focus group meeting at an office in a Blue Bunny
ice cream building where a black lady employee exposits they want feedback
for some possible new flavors. Kenan Thompson asks if there are any bomb
pops and the perky girl next to him is like 'yeah, I want to try that!'. The
white guy employee says no, but makes a cheesy little word play on how
awesome they believe the samples are. Benedict - who is made up to look like
Sam Elliot - snaps that he's here to try ice cream, not listen to some
little stand up routine, so can they get on with it?
Chrissy: Interesting that they're
making him look older in THIS skit, but not the last one.
The woman on the other end of the table - Heidi, who is made up to look like
the female counterpart to Benedict - snaps at him to let them do their jobs
and the employees ask if the two of them know each other. Cowgirl says "no,
I came here a stranger and I'll leave one as well."
White employee is like 'okay, now that we've established what kind of
trouble we're asking for here...' He hands them the first sample of peanut
brittle something or other and asks Kenan for his response first. He just
happily calls it "delicious". Black employee doesn't prompt him any further
and just moves to the cheerful lady, who says it tastes "wet". They brace
themselves and turn to the cowgirl (Bobby, apparently), who rambles about
being a kid and playing with dirty buckets pretending to be a pig and
grandma was churning butter so long that her blood was starting to lace into
the ice cream and yeah, that's what this tastes. Black lady says okay, that
was...something. And now for a description that will no doubt somehow be
worse, we go to...fuck it, I'm just going to call him Sam. Twangy music
plays softly while he drawls about trying to catch tadpoles in the pond
until that one kid's sexy mom invited him in for a bowl of ice cream, which
was a flavor he didn't even like but did he mention her breasts? White guy
writes that down as "it tastes like Scooter's momma." Kenan asks if he's
doing this wrong.
Chrissy: You're all doing it wrong,
honey.
White guy reminds the rednecks that they're not asking them to go all Proust
and "taste memories of the dust bowl." Bobby says, but sir, there's a WEIGHT
to this here ice cream. Sam says he can taste "generations of women in it".
Chrissy: You're still thinking
about Scooter's mom's breasts, aren't you?
Diandra: Ugh. Let's not look too deep into that.
White guy says he is DEFINITELY not writing that down. Black lady decides to
move on to the next one, which is called "galactic mint frost". White guy
tries to prompt Bobby to taste the fresh mint. She says she can taste the
wind that threatened to knock her into the neighbor who lost his wife and
daughter in a hospital fire that one time when she was little. She rambles
about sitting on the porch with him and eating ice cream since she reminded
him of them. "Just vanilla though. He kept it simple since the girls died."
Black lady says okay, so..."it tastes like a widower in pain." She gestures
at the white guy to write that down.
Chrissy: I'm going to attach it to
my resignation letter.
Sam asks who hurt her. Bobby snaps "why? Are you lookin' to save someone
tonight?" White guy asks what the fuck is going on here. "You wanna know
what I taste," Sam asks.
Chrissy: Not really, but I doubt
that will stop you.
Black lady suggests he limit his answer to six words this time. He ignores
her and launches into a memory about the fourth of July. White guy tries to
cut him off, but he plows ahead, describing being out with his little
brother in air so thick with smoke that he lost him and wandered home to get
some ice cream from the ice box and THAT WAS THE DAY HIS BROTHER
DISAPPEARED. Bobby sobs that "I can't take your pain away, but I can sure
give it a bed to rest in." The other two at the table have expressions like
'should we leave?' Yes. Run. White guy is like 'OKAY, let's just wrap this
up before it devolves any more, shall we?' while Sam and Bobby run to
embrace each other.
Chrissy: That would be more
impressive if SHE was the one saying that.
Diandra: ........I think I missed something. Hang on...oh,
because he just said "I will always come for you"?
Chrissy: This recap is going to be a disaster, isn't it?
Diandra: Well, whose brilliant idea was it for me to go into it
drunk?
Chrissy: Yours.
Diandra: Oh. Right.
And now we have a fake ad where a mom takes the cell phone from a teenager
who is grounded. Daughter whines that she didn't do anything that bad. Mom
drops her name - Taylor - as she reminds her that she came home drunk and
she's only seventeen. Taylor asks if she never drank when she was in high
school. Mom vehemently denies it and we cut to some flashbacks of her in a
varsity jacket chugging beers repeatedly at a party and then puking in a
bucket.
Chrissy: Technically correct since
you said "in high school". So there.
Taylor snots an apology that she's not PERFECT like her PERFECT mom. Mom
says she's not perfect because she did things she regrets. We flash back to
her climbing off of two separate guys in the back seat of a car.
Chrissy: And that's how I met your
father.
Taylor prompts her to name one mistake she made and she says she failed a
big test once. Flashback of her taking a sobriety test by the side of the
road and falling on her face. But the important takeaway is that she never
did anything "so stupid that it followed me through my whole life." The
camera zooms in on her ass and gives an x-ray view of a tattoo of a
marijuana leaf crossed with Bob Marley.
"Grandma" Kate comes in the room just then and Taylor says she was just
listening to her mother tell her all about what a dumbass she is. Mom
protests that she NEVER would have spoken to HER mother like that. Aaaand
flashback of her yelling "SUCK MY BEEF YOU OLD BITCH." To which grandma
replies that if she catches her smoking cigarettes again "I will shave your
[bleep] head!" Grandma lectures Taylor about how there is a certain way
young ladies should behave and we flash back to her waving her panties at a
David Bowie concert. Grandma leaves and Taylor bemoans that Mom told her
about this. Mom says they're worried about her. And then Benedict - made up
to look like Ned Flanders for some reason - sticks his head in like 'what
are we worried about? Did I miss something?'
No, seriously, this is weirding me out.
Taylor says mom is freaking out about her going to one party like she never
had any fun herself when she was young. Dad (I'm assuming) laughs that she
DEFINITELY knew how to party when he met her in college. Mom gives him a
dirty look and he adds that she kept it under control though. Flashback of
him dressed like a Rastafarian at the party with her, asking how many pills
she took and then flashing right to the next morning where she apologizes
for giving his roommate a blowjob because she got them confused.
They have the little family sap moment of the parents assuring her that
they're just hard on her because they love her so much. The girls hug and
mom starts to give the cell phone back but a text message dings, which the
robotic voice reads out loud. "Parents gone? Come over for eggplant emoji."
She says never mind and she TOTALLY KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS and Taylor is
probably grounded until she's 30. And we end with a message from the writers
about being the perfect mom despite not being the perfect person.
Plowing right ahead to the next skit, which is set in Georgia in 1951
according to the chyron. Four prisoners on what looks like a chain gang. The
two black guys complain about how hot it is in colorful terminology. The
warden comes around to yell at them to get back to work. They start
"breaking up rocks" and the way Benedict is swinging that sledgehammer
suggests he's never used an axe in his life. They sing one of those prison
blues songs I am not going to transcribe that kind of stutters to a halt
when Benedict's part goes off the rails and he admits to snitching to the
warden. The other white guy calls him Tom and says you did what? "Tom"
claims that's how the song goes. Kenan says it definitely is not. Tom is
like 'well, I definitely ain't a snitch and is it hot in here?' He picks up
a daiquiri and acts surprised when the others ask where the hell he got THAT
like 'oh, you didn't all get one?' The warden comes back along with a
sheriff, towing another white guy they identify as "Lilly". The warden says
they found him in the storm drain and the sheriff adds that "a little birdy"
told them about his escape plan. And on a completely unrelated note, they
brought Tom a cherry pie, which Tom picks at while they haul Lilly to "the
box." The warden tells everyone but Tom to get back to work.
They go back to singing, which grinds to a halt even faster when Tom sings
(I guess we can call it singing) about blabbing all their secrets to the
warden and getting rewarded with pie. The warden comes back, this time with
his wife, who is the same lady who played Bobby in the ice cream thing. I
think. She's playing a femme fatale caricature here, purring about wanting
to get a look at some naughty boys. She zeroes in on Tom and asks if he's
especially naughty.
Chrissy: Yes, ma'am, I sure do
deserve a spanking.
Diandra: [sigh] Would you like to recap this scene?
Chrissy: No. You're doing fine.
She sweeps some "cherry" off his cheek and sticks her finger in her mouth
and the other guys are like WHAT THE HELL, MAN? She's feeling up his chest
when the warden shoos her away and she promises to see him later.
Chrissy: Yeah, bring the paddle.
And don't forget the handcuff keys this time.
They go back to singing, except Tom starts right away like 'yeah, I'm
totally fucking the warden's wife'. And he likes to watch from between the
slats in the closet door. The sheriff sidles up to the warden and says
dude...uh...is that guy sleeping with your wife?
Chrissy: See, this is why you will
never make detective,
Anderson.
Diandra: Did they say the guy's name and I missed it?
Chrissy: Haha. Oh. Are you being serious?
Diandra: Oh, you meant...okay, I get it now.
The warden says yeah, apparently he can't satisfy her, so.
Chrissy: Maybe if you let her TRY
the strap on ONCE.
Diandra: Just how elaborate is that headcanon getting over
there?
Chrissy: Why? Looking for fic prompts?
Diandra: How would that even be...you know what? I'm pretty sure
every time I ask that question I end up regretting it, so never mind.
And as the camera pulls back, we see the audience sitting in a balcony above
the set and one of the stage hands appears to pull Benedict away. Except
this seems to be the first instance where he doesn't have anywhere he needs
to rush to next because this is followed by a commercial break and the first
performance from the musical guest.
I think I usually skip the news segment, which is obviously almost entirely
about the Supreme Court travesty. Except for the part where they note that
Putin might have cancer so for once we might actually be rooting for cancer.
And something about an effort to curb speeding drivers in New York by
putting up signs to "scare" them that say "now entering New Jersey."
And we're back with a TCM channel show called Landsdowne House, which the
chyron says takes place in England in 1914. Yeah, it's "Downton Abbey". Fuck
it. Instant name dump as a guy enters a sitting room and greets "Amelia" and
"Kenneth" and she greets him as "Christian". "Kenneth" gets out of his chair
awkwardly like maybe Benedict pulled something in that terrible attempt at
swinging a hammer earlier. Christian says he left Cornwall and he has to
tell them something. Amelia calls the butler ("Henry") to bring tea first
because they are BRITISH, damnit. Christian starts talking about how the
Great War has reached England and he has to do the patriotic thing. She
starts wailing immediately and Kenneth catches her as she starts to faint,
identifying her to Christian as "your sister."
Chrissy: Oh, they're not his
parents? Hard to tell.
Henry brings a tray with a full tea service back and she knocks it all over
him and crashes to the floor in the complete opposite direction of the
fainting couch Kenneth was badly guiding her toward. They both help her up
and she starts over, saying she just had a terrible dream that Christian
told her he was going to war. He says yes, he is and Kenneth starts guiding
her to the couch again. Henry returns with "elixirs" and she hits the floor,
realizes she missed the tray entirely and flings her leg up to kick it.
Kenneth orders the now dripping Henry to go get some sherry to steady her
nerves and Henry snots that they shouldn't worry because he's fine. They
help her up and this time she tries to convince Christian to change his mind
and go back to Cornwall. He says he's already enlisted. This time, she rips
right out of Kenneth's hold and rips down one of the drapes, throws a lamp
on the ground and smashes an entire two shelves worth of breakables.
Christian is like 'so...kind of a drama queen, isn't she?' Kenneth snaps at
him that this is SERIOUS and shouts at her to steady herself while she
breaks everything else in her path around the room before rolling over the
fainting couch back to the two of them. Christian notes that that last move
was CLEARLY deliberate.
Henry returns with the sherry already poured in more glasses than probably
needed and she takes one and takes half a sip before slamming the whole tray
all over him. She declares that she's fine now, so Kenneth orders Henry to
bring some hot soup. Henry is like 'seeing as we don't have the concept of
hazard pay yet and we certainly don't have unions, I will not even try to
object.' Amelia notes that she seems to have given herself a cut on the hand
at some point here and at the sight of blood, Kenneth swoons and the
returning Henry has to dodge him. "No, please, sir," he moans before getting
the bowl of soup flipped into his face. Kenneth gets up right away and
apologizes that these weird little fits of theirs run in the family "ever
since we had a tiny bout of inbreeding for the past five hundred years."
Christian is like 'wait...so I might have this problem too? Why has nobody
mentioned this before?' This makes him rethink the idea of fighting on the
front lines of a world war. Amelia chortles that they need to celebrate this
decision and Kenneth orders Henry to bring champagne and the priceless
fabrege egg collection like we're not even pretending anymore. But
mercifully, we're cutting this off before it can get any more ridiculous.
Chrissy: Well, that one was kind
of a dud.
Diandra: Yeah, but overall, this whole episode is better than the
last one, I think. I haven't had to fast forward through anything yet.
Oh, jesus christ we're actually doing a sequel to the literal toilet humor
sketch from last time. AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
Fine. Fine. It's fine. Sigh.
So this time there's a bunch of school kids in a classroom sitting on
toilets where the desks should be and I'm pretty sure I've had this dream
before. The school master is lecturing them about the ONE WAY to sit on the
toilet because that is the RULE. And Benedict shows up at the back of the
room wearing brighter colors than everybody else to say rules are meant to
be BROKEN. Teacher asks who HE is and he says he's the "next big thing" and
starts taking off his pants and this is Chris. Diandra just snorted so hard
she started choking and fell off the couch. I'm sure she's fine.
Chrissy: You want to get back up
here and finish this?
Diandra: [coughchokewheeze]no[hack]
Ugh. Okay, the punchline is that it reclines like a barcalounger and he rips
a page out of one of the student's books to wipe his ass. What I want to
know is: did anyone have eyes on Sophie during either this "big thing" line
or back when he referred to himself as Little Benedict (which I think
Diandra neglected to mention)? How hard was she laughing? More at one than
the other?
Diandra: Okay, I think I'm good
now. Give me the keyboard.
And when we come back from the actual commercials, we're at Chuck E
Cheese's.
Chrissy: Oh, that brings back
memories.
Diandra: Any of them good?
Chrissy: Eh.
A suburban family sits at a table and "dad" exposits that the show is about
to start. I take a generous gulp of beer and hover my thumb over the fast
forward button because I have a bad feeling about this. An "employee" gets
on the stage in front of the animatronic band and apologizes that they are
having technical difficulties so Chuck and the band will not be terrifying
children tonight. But he contacted his "favorite British band from 1983" on
Twitter to entertain the kids in their place and this is totally going to be
the Morrisey parody
from Simpsons all over again, isn't it?
Benedict and Bowen Yang come out wearing physical versions of Snapchat
animal filters on their faces and this is Chris again. Diandra just stuck
her head between her knees and made a sound I'm not sure I've ever heard her
make before. I'm not sure I've heard ANYONE make that sound before,
actually.
Diandra: Is this what Eurovision
is like? I feel like this is what Eurovision is like.
Chrissy: Are you going to get back up here?
Diandra: No and you can't make me.
Mmkay. I don't think there's any actual recapping needed here. They sing a
terrible pizza themed song and I think Diandra might be right and Benedict
is doing a Morrisey impression but with a lot more falsetto. And Bowen
announces a birthday as "congratulations on the anniversary of emerging from
your mother's vagina." And then other cast members come out to do verses and
it somehow devolves even further.
Diandra: Can you do me a favor?
Chrissy: You're going to say "kill me" aren't you?
Diandra: No.
Chrissy: Okay, then sure.
Diandra: Go to the laundry room. Look on the shelf. There should
be a clearly marked bottle of bleach...
Chrissy: Okay, no. How about if I just fast forward?
Diandra: Or you could do that. That works.
Okay, I'm back. CLEARLY I spoke too soon about the fast forwarding. I will
say this though: Benedict's ability to keep a straight face regardless of
the insane bullshit he's asked to do is impressive.
After the second performance by the musical guest, Chloe Finneman addresses
the camera directly with a parody of one of those Behind the Camera things.
She talks about what kind of season it's been on SNL because I think there
were only two weeks left after this. She says people ask about what happens
if someone is out sick. She says that's why she is the official understudy
for the show. She practices with everyone just in case she needs to take
over at the last minute. We see her rehearsing with Kate McKinnon, copying
the way she is slouching in the chair. Kate directs her to spread her legs
even further until she's basically in gynecological exam pose. "Really make
people uncomfortable with what you're doing." She does a couple more rounds
of imitating female members of the cast, one of which isn't even for the
show because she claims she's so good at it that she acts as emergency
replacement in their personal lives too. Like when they need her to break up
with people for them.
She says there are limits though because "no matter how good my Elizabeth
Olson impression is, I would never use it to trick Benedict." Which is of
course followed by her approaching him in a dressing room in full goofy
comics version of Scarlet Witch costume and doing an impression of
Elizabeth, suggesting that Chloe Finneman would make a great understudy for
her in any future Marvel productions, right? The real Elizabeth scoots in
behind her to ask what's going on and they argue about which of them is
really Elizabeth. "Oh my god, the multiverse is real," Benedict moans. She
does a few more impressions of castmates and then says we're probably
wondering what happens if SHE gets sick, right? The camera pans out and
Punkie Johnson, dressed the same way as Chloe with a blonde wig yells,
without even the slightest hint of an actual impression, "yo, bitch, I'm
Chloe Fineberg". No, that was not a typo. Although at this point, it's
probably a miracle I can still type at all.
And Benedict and the regular cast are wearing shirts with the year Roe V.
Wade was passed on them as they roll the end credits, calling attention to
the fact that the lead singer of Arcade Fire has it painted on his guitar
too. I could probably spend a solid day going through the comment sections
of any social media post about this and blocking conservative wingnuts.
Chrissy: You could make that a
drinking game. Take a shot any time they use the words "woke" or "virtue
signaling" or suggest that celebrities shouldn't have opinions (unless
they are Clint Eastwood or Chachi).
Diandra: Yeah, I would blackout before I got through one thread
if I did that. But I'm sure I started drinking after I clicked through to
block one and saw "my pronouns are Let's Go Brandon" on her profile.
Chrissy: Yeesh. Okay, so are you ready for "No Way Home" or are
we still taking a break from Marvel maybe until we see "Multiverse of
Madness"?
Diandra: You know...when I started recapping Marvel I didn't
realize just how fucking much of Benedict's face I was going to be looking
at in the coming years.
Chrissy: I guess that's my answer.
Diandra: No, I think I'm resigned to it now. Just let me dry out
and we can invite Emilio to play all the Peters and act as our
encyclopedia for all things Spider-Man that we have forgotten over the
years.
Chrissy: Knowing you, you've probably forgotten stuff from these
last couple MCU Spider Man movies too already.
Diandra: Ha. Why do I keep inviting you to do these things?
Chrissy: Because you love me.
Diandra: Huh. Sounds fake, but okay.