"The Return of the King"

And so it is...nearly one year after I started recapping this 
series, we have come to the end. Well, we have come to the 
last three-and-a-half-hours anyway. A couple of things have 
changed since I did the Two Towers recap. One is that I 
watched the extended edition DVDs of all three of these 
movies, so hopefully my understanding of the story has 
improved a bit. The other is that I turned 21 - making me 
officially old enough to drink alcohol in the US. But I'm sure 
this will not affect the way I do recaps from now on. Much.

Before I get started, I just want to point out something 
Orlando said in the cast commentary for this DVD. “...if 
Pete[r Jackson] had told me that Legolas was going to be 
running around naked at that point, I probably would have 
stripped off and started skipping a jingo...[he could have 
said] ‘at this point Aragorn grabs Legolas and tongues him’ 
and you’re going ‘oh, really? Yeah, that makes sense’...” 
Dude, get out of my head!

Anyway, so after recapping two whole three-hour movies in this 
series, I've come to two decisions. The first is that these 
movies are *way* too long, so I'm gonna try to condense this 
one as much as possible. And the second is that Peter Jackson 
is both a masochist and a sadist. I have half a mind to send 
him my future psychiatric bills.
   Chrissy: You only have half a mind.
   Diandra: Oh, can it, hobbit lover!
Ahem.

We open on a quaint little lake, in the middle of which are 
two guys in a fishing boat. Yeah, because that's just what 
these movies needed: *more* characters. One of the guys 
catches a fish and yelps "Smegol! I've got one!" Um...scratch 
the more characters thing. Apparently we're in flashback mode 
and nobody bothered to tell us. Gollum looks nothing like the 
ugly-but-maybe-sorta-cute CGI character we remember from the 
first two movies but he has the same weird voice and is played 
by the same actor, so it's definitely him. 

Other guy (he won't last long enough for me to bother figuring 
out his name) gets dragged under by either a freakishly strong 
fish or a particularly stupid shark. He finds (naturally) the 
Ring of Doom and Destruction (RoDD) at the bottom of the lake. 
He and "Smegol" fight over it for a bit and "Smegol" chokes 
him to death. Then "Smegol" takes the ring and says what has 
by now become his catchphrase: "my...precioussssssssssssss."

Time shift sequence. Gollum voice-overs that the ring "cursed 
us" and apparently led him to develop an alternate 
personality. "Smegol" starts making that choking noise that 
sounds kind of like he's saying "Gollum" which Andy Serkis 
says was inspired by the sound of a cat coughing up a 
hairball. Time morph. Close up on some truly hideous teeth 
tearing into a raw fish. In slow motion. Y'know, I liked that 
lasagna I just ate, but I really have no desire to see it 
again so soon. More time morphing. "Smegol" gets uglier and 
uglier as he transforms into the Gollum we know and lo...okay, 
maybe "love" isn't the right word.

Back to whatever time the rest of these movies take place in. 
Seriously, what is up with the ambiguous time lines? Morning. 
Sam is asleep. Frodo has insomnia. He stares at the ring and 
shoots guilty looks at Sam. Gollum pops out of nowhere and 
announces that they have to leave *now*. Blah blah boring 
conversation between Frodo and Sam. The ground rumbles and 
Gollum shouts "hurry!" Sam ignores him and fetches Frodo some 
more of that army ration bread he was bitching about in the 
last movie. Are they blatantly disregarding potential danger 
or am I missing something? Frodo asks what Sam will eat. Sam 
admits that they don't have much food left but he thinks if 
they ration it there'll be enough for the trip home. Frodo 
acts like it never occurred to him that the Longest Trip Ever 
might actually end sometime in the near future. Frankly, I'm 
beginning to wonder about that myself.

Meanwhile, the Fab Four (Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Gandalf 
for those of you keeping score) are traveling through the 
woods again. Why? Since when? Did I miss something? And why 
are we just getting to the title card now?
   Chrissy: I'll go get the aspirin...
   Diandra: Yeah, good idea, thanks.
They find the Comic Relief Twins lounging around, drinking and 
sucking on pipes. Great. Merry drunkenly welcomes them to 
Isengaard. Gimli sputters and bitches that he and the Lovers 
Who Pretend They Are Not have been chasing orcs all over 
freaking New Zealand trying to save these two dimbulbs and 
here they are, sitting around finding ways to kill off brain 
cells they don't even have. Pippin smugly replies that they 
are "enjoying some well earned comforts" on a "field of 
victory". Gimli looks like he might blow a gasket and, 
frankly, I can't blame him. Merry says Treebeard the Slow 
Talker has taken over Isengaard. 

Oh, god, not the trees again... Treebeard says S-Dawg is 
locked in his little Tower of Doom. Gandalf approves and tells 
Treebeard to stay here and keep watch. Oh good. Now I don't 
have to decipher any more of his mumblings. Gimli thinks they 
should just kill him. S-Dawg, not Treebeard, unfortunately. 
Gandalf says no, naturally, because heaven forbid a good guy 
actually kill the evil bad guy. He claims S-Dawg has no power 
anymore. So why aren't we done with the movie yet? Oh, yeah. 
The RoDD. I almost forgot about it what with all these little 
side stories. Pippin sees something in the water and leaps off 
the back of Aragorn's horse to retrieve it. It looks like S-
Dawg's crystal ball. Gandalf immediately demands he hand it 
over. Pippin does *not* clutch it to his chest and hiss "my 
preciousssssssssss." Instead, he hands it over and sulks.

And we get a shot of the reunited Fellowship (minus three) 
riding across Pretty, Pretty New Ze...I'm sorry, but since 
when do they need six horses? Gandalf has one, Legolas and 
Gimli are sharing one and we just saw that Aragorn and Pippin 
are sharing one. Does Merry need three horses all to himself 
now? [A/N: I just checked the Extended DVD and realized that 
Captain Smith and Eomer were with them, but this is not made 
at all clear in the theatrical version]

I think we're back in Rohan now. Cap. Smith is yammering about 
the people who died trying to defend their country. We see 
Aragorn in the crowd, listening to his speech. Then we cut to 
a party where Eowyn flirts some more with Aragorn. Aragorn 
gives her a long, smoldering and then seems to remember Arwen 
and leaves suddenly. Or maybe he just remembered that he left 
Legolas tied to a bed somewhere in the palace and went to free 
him. Cap. Smith comes up to Eowyn and says he's happy for her 
because Aragorn is "a good man." Yeah, but he's also taken, so 
unless you want a couple of very angry elves on your ass I 
suggest you BACK OFF, SISTER.

The Comic Relief Twins are drunk again and dancing on the 
table, singing (very badly, I might add). Gandalf is watching 
with amusement when Aragorn approaches. "If you and the elf 
really must continue with these games, I suggest you be a 
little more discreet," Gandalf mutters. "What do you mean," 
Aragorn asks innocently. "Oh, do not bother to deny it," 
Gandalf snips. "I can *smell* him on you." 
   Chrissy: What are you doing?
   Diandra: Oh...nothing... (rewinds the scene to start over)
Aragorn asks if they've heard anything about Frodo. Gandalf 
says no, but his heart tells him Frodo is still alive. I like 
my version better.

Lollipop Guild. Gollum is babbling in his sleep. He wakes 
himself up and tells himself to shut up. I just wrote that and 
it still doesn't make any sense to me. He crawls over the the 
water and talks to his reflection...or alter ego, whichever. 
Smegol's losing his nerve. Smegol wants the hobbits dead. We 
must lead them to *her* - whoever she is. "She's always 
hungry," he smarms. Well, that doesn't sound good. Sam 
conveniently wakes up, hears Gollum talking about killing the 
hobbitsies and taking the precioussssssssssss and attacks him. 
Frodo wakes and tries to stop Sam. Sam tells Frodo what he 
heard. Gollum yelps that the "fat hobbit" hates him and "makes 
up nasty lies". There's an argument and Frodo, the naïve 
idiot, ends it by saying that they can't get to Mordor alone, 
although at this point I'm thinking it may be wise for them to 
at least *try*. Gollum shoots an evil look over his shoulder 
at Sam. Naturally. 

Back with the rest of the Fellowship. Aragorn wakes up in the 
middle of the night to find his lover gone and wanders outside 
to find him staring into the distance, wearing nothing but a 
hooded cloak. I'll let you figure out how much of that I made 
up. "Something stirs in the east," Legolas declares 
mysteriously. "The eye of the enemy is moving." So I guess he 
only has two functions: useless statements and 
incomprehensible drivel. 

Inside, Pippin takes the crystal ball from Gandalf, who 
apparently sleeps with his eyes open. Merry asks if Pippin is 
"mad". No, just irretrievably stupid. Pippin unwraps the ball 
and the second his hands touch it weird shit starts happening 
and he hears an ominous voice and sees the Great Flaming 
Vagina, which is beginning to look more like a giant cat eye. 
Outside, Legolas declares "he is here." What? Who? Where? Back 
inside, the creepy, disembodied voice says "I see you," 
causing me to giggle for...some reason.
   Chrissy: Have you been hitting the bottle already?
   Diandra: No! Really! I swear! Although I have a feeling I'm 
    going to wish I had soon.

Total chaos breaks out. Gandalf wakes up and Aragorn and 
Legolas come barreling inside. Legolas has ditched his cloak, 
disconfirming my earlier theory that he was naked underneath 
it, much to Chrissy's disappointment.
   Chrissy: Huh? What about me?
   Diandra: Dude, you could at least try to pay attention 
    here. 
   Chrissy: Oh, were you talking?
Aragorn rips the ball from Pippin's hands and starts having 
some sort of seizure. Legolas catches him as he collapses and 
the ball rolls across the floor. Gandalf throws his cloak over 
it, shouting "fool of a Took!" He looks around and finds 
Pippin... I'm sorry, but I just have to point out here that 
Aragorn is SPRAWLED across Legolas' lap here and Legolas seems 
to be hovering over him protectively. As they say over at 
Television Without Pity: HoYay! Where was I? Right. 

Gandalf sees Pippin lying on the floor, staring blankly at 
the ceiling. He kneels next to him and takes his hand as 
Pippin starts begging to forgiveness. Gandalf asks what he 
saw. Can I just say that Pippin looks so freaking feminine in 
this scene? In fact, when I watched this movie with my mother, 
she asked me if I was sure he wasn't just a really ugly girl. 
Although that's partly because she thought his name was 
"Merry". Anyway. He saw a white tree in a courtyard of stone 
and it was dead. Gasp! No, not the tree! "I saw *him*," Pippin 
whimpers. "I could hear his voice in my head. He asked me my 
name. I didn't answer." Yeah, well, if the entire exchange 
took place inside Pippin's head, I'm guessing whoever it is 
didn't get much except maybe some static or crickets chirping 
or something.

Conference room. Or something. Gandalf says Pippin is telling 
the truth and that he's a fool, but at least he's an "honest 
fool". Why is Gandalf always putting the poor guy down like 
that? Pippin didn't tell The Evil One anything, but he saw the 
enemy's plan, which is to strike someplace called "Minas 
Tirith". Where the heck did Tolkien come up with these names? 
Apparently Sauron has realized that the men are stronger than 
he assumed and he's panicking. Well, as much as a guy who's 
been dead for upwards of 3,000 years can "panic". "He will 
raze Minas Tirith to the ground before he sees a king return 
to the throne of men," Gandalf declares. This is where my 
notes get really sketchy. I think Aragorn says they should 
ride to the rescue of Gondor and Cap. Smith asks why they 
should help Gondor when Gondor wouldn't help them. They didn't 
help you because you didn't ask, you idiot. Legolas stands 
next to Aragorn and stares blankly at some random spot on the 
floor. I can't tell if he's bored or just doesn't know what 
he's supposed to be doing, but at least he's not saying 
anything. I've raised a welt the size of a golf ball in my 
forehead by banging my head on the desk every time he opens 
his mouth. Blah blah next scene.

The Comic Relief Twins follow Gandalf out to the stable. Merry 
asks Pippin why he just *had* to look at the damn crystal 
ball. Pippin says he couldn't help it. Merry grumbles angrily. 
Pippin apologizes and promises he won't do it again. Too late 
for that, dummy. Merry practically smacks him upside the head 
and says "the enemy thinks you have the ring." So now they 
have to hide him someplace. That way when the bad guys come to 
kill him the rest of the Fellowship will be safe. No, wait, 
that's not right. Scratch that. "And you're coming with me," 
Pippin asks hopefully. Merry just walks away, shaking his 
head. Poor Pippin looks like he could really use a hug.
   Chrissy: SEE?!
   Diandra: What? I'm just saying...

Gandalf puts Pippin on the horse and tells him that Minas 
Tirith is three day's ride away. The fact that he's taking 
Pippin to the very same place he said Sauron would likely 
attack just confirms my theory that they're trying to get rid 
of him. Merry hands Pippin the last of whatever they were 
smoking earlier. Pippin's lower lip quivers. "But," he 
whimpers. "We'll see each other soon...won't we?" They talk 
for a while, but they're both crying so the words are garbled 
and incomprehensible and oh, just kiss each other already, 
damnit. Gandalf puts an end to their tearful goodbyes by 
climbing on the horse and taking off. "Merry," Pippin wails. 
"I love you!" "I love you too," Merry sobs. Or maybe I just 
imagined that part.

Meanwhile, Arwen and the other elves are traipsing through the 
woods when she has a vision of a small child running across 
the path. The child runs to a grey-haired Aragorn, who picks 
him up and hugs him and kisses him and basically if he isn't 
this kids father than I don't know *what* he is. The kid looks 
right at Arwen. She blinks and he disappears. 

So, Arwen marches her skinny butt back home to have a talk 
with Daddy Elrond. She says he has the "gift of foresight" and 
asks what he sees. He says he sees Aragorn nailing Legolas to 
a mattress and that's why he keeps trying to keep her from 
getting her hopes up. Oh, yeah, and the whole mortal death 
thing. That too. She says he saw a child too, didn't he? He 
says yeah, but it's not like it's set in stone or anything. 
She says if she leaves Aragorn, she'll regret it forever. 
Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, honey. Especially when 
he starts leaving hairs all over the sink and forgetting to 
put the toilet seat down. Then for some odd reason she tries 
to convince Daddy Elrond to re-forge the sword that was broken 
3,000 years ago. You know, the one Boromir was admiring way 
back in the first movie? What? I didn't recap that scene? 
Oh...oops. It belonged to the guy who killed Sauron by 
whacking his fingers off, okay? Anyway, Daddy leaves and Arwen 
slumps to the bed, a book falling from her hands onto the 
floor. I get the feeling that this was supposed to be two 
separate scenes, but the way they are edited together doesn't 
really make that clear. Daddy comes back and takes her hands, 
declaring they are cold and "the life of the Eldar is leaving 
you," whatever the hell that means. So a couple of elves start 
piecing the sword back together and welding it. Moving on!

Gandalf and Pippin arrive at Minas Tirith, which is a 
blindingly white city with a very large, very prominent 
phallic tower in the center.
   Diandra: (Irish accent) Do you think he's compensatin' for 
    somethin'?
   Chrissy: How old did you say you were again?
Gratuitous scenery shots follow as Howard Shore turns up the 
dramatic fanfare. I blank out for a good five minutes and 
don't miss a thing. Gandalf tells Pippin that they're going to 
be meeting the "Steward of Gondor", who was coincidentally 
Boromir's father so he shouldn't mention Boromir in front of 
him. Or Faramir. Or Frodo. Or the ring. In fact, he shouldn't 
say anything at all, he should just sit his stupid ass in a 
corner somewhere and look cute.

They enter. Gandalf stands in front of the "steward" and says 
"hail [someone] of [someone] [something]." Is it any wonder 
that I'm so lost most of the time here? The steward holds up 
his hands to show them the broken Horn of Gondor and asks if 
they can explain *this*. We get a flashback of Boromir's death 
scene, which I am convinced was thrown in here just so Sean 
Bean could have his name in the credits. Pippin blurts that 
Boromir died trying to save him and his lover...er..."friend". 
Then he bows to the steward and offers him his "services". Oh, 
man, this is just a bad sex joke waiting to happen. Gandalf 
mutters angrily to himself. Heh. There's a pause while the 
steward wonders if he could use a cabana boy, if you know what 
I mean. Then Gandalf whacks Pippin with his staff and snaps 
"get up." Snerk. Have I mentioned how much I love Ian 
McKellen? Gandalf says the steward can grieve later, but for 
now there's this big ass war that's slightly more pressing. 
"You are not alone in this fight...send word to [Cap. 
Smith]...light the beacons." The steward asks if Gandalf 
thinks he's stupid. He knows Aragorn is with Cap. Smith and 
they're trying to put *him* on the throne but there's no 
chance in hell he will ever bow to that ass clown. Then he 
launches to his feet and declares that 'the throne of Gondor 
is mine! Mine, I tell you!' And the sun rises and sets on his 
wrinkly white ass! Gandalf storms out, Pippin trailing after 
him in a cloud of confusion.

Night. Pippin picks up the sword somebody laid out for him in 
his room and says clearly they don't expect him to actually do 
any fighting..."do they?" Snort. God, I hope not. Gandalf says 
he'll do whatever they tell him to do, even if it involves 
putting on pointy ears and a curly tail, marching right up to 
a pack of orcs and declaring that he is the other white meat. 
Pippin says it's quiet. Gandalf says that's because this is 
the calm before the storm. Then, out of nowhere, Pippin asks 
if there's any hope for Frodo and Sam. Oy. Again with the hope 
thing. Yes, there's hope. And for future reference there will 
always *be* hope, so stop asking, damnit. "There never was 
much hope," Gandalf answers. What? Since when is Gandalf a 
pessimist? Blah blah enemy regrouping blah gaining strength 
blah blah. "This will be the end of Gondor as we know it." 
Okay, who is this guy and what has he done with Gandalf?
   Chrissy: I think the key phrase is "as we know it."
   Diandra: Huh?
   Chrissy: Meaning everything will be different after the war 
    when Aragorn is king.
   Diandra: (blank stare)
   Chrissy: (sigh) Look! Shiny object!
   Diandra: (looking around frantically) Where?

Pippin says yeah, but we've got you, right? Gandalf just sighs 
and says that Sauron hasn't sent in his "deadliest servant" 
yet. Oh, goody. "The witch king." Gandalf says they already 
know him, actually. He's the guy who stabbed Frodo back in the 
first movie. So, he's one of the Minions of Doom? What? I 
don't...oh, look, a kitty!

The Lollipop Guild arrive at a place Gollum calls the "dead 
city." I thought that was supposed to come later.
   Chrissy: Shut up, you're not supposed to know that.
   Diandra: Oh, sorry...
Gollum shows them a long flight of stairs and says it's the 
"way to Mordor." Or, you know, imminent death. Frodo is 
hypnotized by another phallic tower nearby. Sam and Gollum 
scream and drag him away from it. The ground shakes and a bolt 
of lightning shoots up the tower and into the sky. Yeah, I'm 
sure that wasn't supposed to be symbolic or anything. I'm 
seriously starting to think Peter Jackson is a Freudian. First 
we had the Great Flaming Vagina and now we get a giant penis 
ejaculating - both of which are supposed to represent 
something evil.

The aforementioned Witch King flies out of nowhere on his 
pterodactyl and looks around menacingly. Soldiers march past 
the Lollipop Guild while they cower in relative safety. 
Meanwhile, over in Minas Tirith, Gandalf and Pippin watch the 
ejaculating tower in the distance and Gandalf makes chess 
analogies. I'm getting bored again. You know what that means, 
don't you? Yep, time to fast forward.

The Armies of Evil attack wherever the hell Faramir is. 
Seriously, I can’t keep all these names straight anymore. 
Clang clang clang.

Pippin climbs up to the top of a tower and sets the huge pile 
of wood they call a beacon on fire. We pan across Pretty 
Pretty New Zealand as beacons light up all over the place like 
some sort of Olympic relay. Aragorn sees one of them and 
removes his tongue from Legolas’ ear to gape at it. He 
detangles himself from his lover and leaps out of bed to go 
tell Cap. Smith about it. Yeah, I made most of that up. You 
wanna make something of it? He tells the Captain that Gondor 
is calling for help. Long beat as everybody stares at Cap. 
Smith. “And Rohan will answer,” he replies dramatically.

Some time later, Eowyn is getting her horse ready and telling 
Aragorn that she’s going to ride to the encampment because 
it’s “tradition” for the women to see the men off into battle. 
Because Aragorn has a functioning brain he recognizes that 
this is not normal behavior for her and he uncovers the sword 
hidden beneath her sadle. And I’m fast-forwarding now...

Faramir orders his men to ride to Minas Tirith. Blah blah 
fast-forward. The orcs stand around in the rubble of 
Gondor...or wherever Faramir just was, I don’t know...while 
their leader declares that the “age of men is over. The time 
of the orc has come.” Yeah, because that’s an improvement. 
Pterodactyls chase the fleeing men, ripping some of them right 
off their horses. Gandalf and Pippin ride up, Gandalf’s staff 
shining, and scare them away. And yes, it is fairly obvious 
that this scene was meant to take place back when they were 
just arriving at Minas Tirith and not here since they are 
riding *toward* it and there’s really no reason Gandalf would 
take Pippin with him and ride out to save these guys butts on 
a gut instinct or something, but whatever.

And this is where my notes get sketchy again. Faramir is in 
Minas Tirith now. He stares at Pippin in some sort of weird 
fascination and Gandalf declares that this is not the first 
hobbit he’s seen. No, he admits, he saw Frodo and Sam a couple 
days ago. It’s only been a couple days in their time since the 
last movie? Yikes. Faramir: “They took the [something 
somewhere something].” Gandalf: “[something something]” Sigh. 
I wish these people weren’t so difficult to understand 
half the time.

Lollipop Guild. Frodo struggles to climb the stairs and pull 
himself onto a ledge as Gollum coaxes him. The ring slips from 
Frodo’s shirt and practically dangles in Gollum’s face. Gollum 
stares at it, hypnotized. He reaches his hand toward Frodo and 
Sam starts yelling and waving his sword threateningly. Gollum 
sneers at him and pretends he was just reaching for Frodo’s 
arm to help him up. He then tries to convince Frodo that Sam 
has been corrupted and he wants the ring. And because Frodo 
apparently has the intelligence of a kumquat and is therefore 
easy to fool with even the most transparent of lies he 
actually starts believing it.

Back to Minas Tirith. Pippin kneels before a somewhat amused 
Steward of Gondor...okay, I’m getting tired of calling him 
that. His name’s Denethor, okay? Pippin kneels before him and 
declares his loyalty to Gondor until death do they part or 
some such shit. Denethor strokes his cheek and lifts his chin 
and...HoYay. HOYAY! Then he sits down to eat and he and 
Faramir have a little father-son chat. Yadda yadda blah blah 
Faramir accuses Denethor of playing favorites. “You wish I had 
died and Boromir had lived.” “Yes,” Denethor says bluntly. 
Ouch. That was uncalled for. Faramir’s eyes tear up as he 
promises to do his best in Boromir’s stead. Then he stalks off 
to find someplace quiet where he can cry and plot his father’s 
assassination.

Can I go totally off on a detour for a moment here and talk 
about the casting? I know it’s common for actors to audition 
for one part and end up playing another one, but I get the 
impression that this happened to a good half of the cast of 
these movies. Dominic Monaghan auditioned for Frodo. John Rhys 
Davies auditioned for Denethor. Orlando Bloom auditioned for 
Faramir. Bernard Hill was originally considered to play 
Gandalf. Viggo Mortensen only got his part after Daniel Day 
Lewis turned it down and Stuart Townsend was booted due to 
“creative differences” – a phrase I have long suspected is 
code for “was being an asshat.” Can you imagine how different 
these movies could have been? No, really, just take a moment 
to picture it. Um...okay, back to the recap.

Back on the Hill of Impending Hobbit Doom, Gollum waits for 
the others to fall asleep and smuggles their army ration bread 
from the supplies. He crumbles a bit on Sam’s cloak and tosses 
the rest over the cliff. Sam wakes up abruptly and accuses 
Gollum of trying to sneak away. Oh, you wish. “Sneaking,” 
Gollum squawks, offended. “Fat hobbit always so polite. Smegol 
shows them secret ways that nobody else can find and they say 
‘sneak’! Sneak?!” Then he mutters indignantly until Sam tells 
him to can it and asks what he *was* doing then. “Sneaking,” 
Gollum says with a hint of his inner evil. Heh. Sam rolls his 
eyes and wakes Frodo. 

And, of course, they discover the bread missing and panic. Sam 
accuses Gollum of taking it. Gollum protests that he doesn’t 
even *like* that glorified cardboard and points out the crumbs 
on Sam’s cloak. He is so transparent that the only logical 
explanation I can see for Frodo *not* drop-kicking his scrawny 
ass is that the ring has liquefied his brain to an almost 
vegetative state. Sam attacks Gollum like a crazed lunatic. 
Frodo shouts and pushes him away, then practically faints. Sam 
sobers immediately and tells Frodo to rest because he’s 
clearly exhausted. “It’s Gollum...it’s that thing around your 
neck.” Frodo shoots him a look of blatant suspicion. Oy, here 
we go. Sam offers to carry it for a while. Frodo pushes him 
and shrieks “get away!” Sam sputters that he’s just trying to 
help. Gollum says ‘see, I told you so.” Sam yells at Gollum 
some more but Frodo thinks that Sam is the real problem here 
and maybe he should go home. Then he and Gollum walk off, 
leaving Sam to sit on a rock and cry. Okay, I get that the 
writers felt they needed some sort of rift between the 
characters to separate them for the next couple scenes, 
but...fighting over hard tack? That just seems flimsy to me.

We leave the soap opera behind and travel back to Minas 
Tirith...or Gondor. Whatever. Where am I? Who are these 
people? Where’s Harry Potter? Anyway. Faramir and his men are 
leaving for battle. Gandalf tries to convince him not to go 
for reasons that are unclear to me. “Your father loves you,” 
he declares. “You will remember it before the end.” Great. Now 
all the subplots are turning into cheesy clichés. 

Back with Denethor and his cabana boy...er...I mean Pippin. 
Denethor plucks a random plot device out of the air and asks 
Pippin if he can sing. Pippin looks just as confused by this 
question as I am. Denethor demands that he sing something. 
This leads to a montage of shots of Pippin singing, Denethor 
shoving his face with food like the arrogant pig that he is 
and Faramir’s men riding toward the calmly waiting orcs – 
giving the impression of lemmings racing pell mell off a cliff 
into molten lava. We cut away from them just as the arrows 
start flying. Pippin finishes the song and Denethor continues 
stuffing his face, snorting every couple bites. Pippin cries. 
Now, Billy Boyd has a lovely singing voice and I really liked 
this scene, but, for the life of me, I have no idea what the 
purpose of it was. I believe this also marks Pippin’s first 
moment in the sun. Almost every major character gets their 
moment in the sun in this movie, except for Pippin, who has a 
couple and Aragorn, who has one in every other scene.

Aragorn, Legolas, Cap. Smith et al arrive at the camp set up 
for the good guy army. Cap. Smith says they have 6,000 men so 
far. Aragorn bitches that it’s not enough. The horses start 
whinnying and fidgeting. “The horses are restless,” Legolas 
declares. “And the men are quiet.” Yes, Thank you, Captain 
Obvious. Now just shut up and look pretty. Eomer says it’s 
because of the mountain nearby. It’s eeeeeevil. They all stare 
at it and Gimli asks what the hell they’re looking at, 
exactly. Legolas says it’s a door into or under the mountain, 
I’m not sure which. Eomer says no one has ever gone into it 
and come back out. So of course we know that someone will in 
the near future just to prove him wrong.

Elsewhere in the camp, Eowyn fits Merry with armor and a 
helmet. He gets excited by the idea of actually going into 
battle this time and brandishes his sword. No, the other one. 
Well, maybe both depending on just how excited he is. Then he 
laments that it’s not really dangerous. In fact, it’s not even 
sharpened. Oh, good. At least then he can’t poke his eyes out. 
Eowyn sends him off to the smithy to get it sharpened. They 
have a portable smithy traveling with them? Nearby, Eomer 
sneers that she shouldn’t get his hopes up. She asks why Merry 
shouldn’t be allowed to fight. My notes for this scene just 
stop right here. There may have been more to their 
conversation, but I don’t care. Moving on!

Night. Aragorn is having a dream about mountains and Arwen and 
the Blue Cross pendant shattering. He wakes abruptly, sword in 
hand. No, the other one.
   Chrissy: Do you have to say that every time?
   Diandra: What can I say? I’m a psych major. I read way to 
    much into everything and I’ve studied Freud. Also, I have 
    the mind of a teenage boy. 
Legolas sits up in bed beside him and asks what’s wrong. Or 
the extra standing by the door calls “sir,” tentatively. 
Either way.

Aragorn staggers out of the tent and follows the extra to Cap. 
Smith’s tent, where Cap. Smith is just finishing a 
conversation with someone in a hooded cloak. He leaves and the 
mysterious person drops the hood. It’s Daddy Elrond. “Arwen is 
dying,” he announces. What? No hello? And why? Since when? 
“The light of the Evenstar is failing,” he explains. “As 
Sauron’s power grows, her strength wanes.” Well, gee, that 
just explains everything. Not. And frankly, I don’t care 
anymore because as far as I’m concerned Arwen is the least 
interesting character off all the characters in all three of 
these movies so I find it very hard to give a tinker’s damn 
what happens to her anymore. Then Elrond says that Sauron is 
sending a second army along the river. “You’re outnumbered. 
You need more men.” Aragorn whines that there aren’t any more. 
Elrond suggests he try “those who dwell in the mountain.” We 
flash to a truly creepy looking ghost. Actually, he looks a 
lot like something out of “Pirates of the Caribbean”. Aragorn 
asks Elrond if he’s insane. Nah, he’s just trying to get rid 
of you before you steal his daughter away. Oh, he’s not? My 
bad. Elrond says the creepy ghosts will only answer to the 
king of Gondor and opens his cloak to reveal a sword. No, the 
other one. 
   Chrissy: (sigh)
Aragorn unsheathes the reforged sword and Howard Shore goes 
completely nuts with the dramatic hero music. Several key 
instrumentalists collapse in exhaustion. “Put aside the 
ranger,” Elrond intones. “Become who you were born to be.” 
Aragorn hesitates. “I can still shag Legolas, right?” The 
music stops and Elrond sighs in frustration. 
   Chrissy: Would you stop that?
   Diandra: What?

While Aragorn’s getting his horse ready to leave, Eowyn 
appears and rants that he can’t just up and leave the men the 
night before a battle. He changes the subject and tries to 
convince her that she doesn’t really love him. Then he stalks 
off and she cries. He is halted by Gimli, who starts to follow 
him. Aragorn tries to tell him he can’t go with him, but Gimli 
won’t take no for an answer. Legolas appears and asks if he 
really hasn’t realized how stubborn dwarves are. Gimli says 
they’re all going whether Aragorn likes it or not.

Several soldiers watch them leave and take it as a sign that 
they’re going to lose miserably tomorrow. Cap. Smith tells 
Eowyn that he’s instructed the people to follow her rule 
should anything happen to him. Wheeee! A strong female leader 
in a sea of males. Woohoo!

Okay, so the Three Stooges (how I missed calling them that!) 
are meandering through some woods or something. Legolas is 
telling Gimli the story of the creepy ghosts in the mountain. 
They were deserters of Gondor who were cursed by Isildur (the 
guy who killed Sauron and Aragorn’s great great great great 
great great grandfather...I think) “never to rest until they 
had fulfilled their pledge.” Oh my god. Legolas actually said 
more than half a dozen words at once and none of them were 
useless or annoying. What’s that noise? Is that the four 
horsemen? Is this the apocalypse? They finally reach a door 
and Legolas says “the way is shut. It was made by the dead and 
the dead keep it. The way is shut.” I assume he’s reading 
something, but I’m not sure what. The camera flies out of the 
cave toward them, accompanied by hissing and moaning sound 
effects that were probably taken from some haunted house 
carnival ride but the effect is cool and kinda creepy 
nonetheless. The horses panic and flee. Now, to any sane 
person this would probably be a clue that going in there may 
not be such a good idea, but these are obviously not sane 
people. Aragorn glares and marches inside, muttering that he’s 
not afraid of death. Gimli’s expression seems to suggest that 
he *is*, however. Legolas smirks and follows his lover inside. 
Gimli sputters something about an elf being brave enough to go 
underground when a dwarf isn’t and follows reluctantly. “I’ll 
never hear the end of it,” he mutters. Tee hee.

Back at the camp. Blah blah getting ready for battle blah. 
Cap. Smith tries to discourage Merry from fighting. Actually, 
he flat out tells him not to. So Merry is watching sadly as 
the men ride off when a rider pulls him up onto a passing 
horse and a very feminine voice says “ride with me.” Yep. It’s 
Eowyn. Have I mentioned that I love her?

The Three Stooges come to a large clearing in the caves. 
There’s a rumbling noise and a voice hisses “who dares enter 
my domain” as the same creepy ghost we saw earlier appears. 
Aragorn, not one to beat around the bush, says “one who will 
have your allegiance.” Not ‘would’, ‘will’. Kinda 
presumptuous, isn’t he? Creepy Dead Guy sneers that the dead 
do not “suffer” the living. “You *will* suffer me,” Aragorn 
retorts. Speaking of suffering, I’m starting to get this 
throbbing pain between my eyes... CDG repeats whatever Legolas 
was reading earlier word for word and a few thousand more 
creepy dead guys ooze out of the rocks and surround the Three 
Stooges. “Now you must die,” CDG James-Bond-villans. Legolas 
fires an arrow at his forehead, which, of course, goes right 
through him and has no effect whatsoever since he’s ALREADY 
DEAD AND THEREFORE CAN’T BE KILLED. I know I’ve probably said 
this before, but this just further illustrates my theory about 
Legolas, which is that there’s not a whole lot of brains in 
that pretty little head of his. Aragorn makes some noise about 
fulfilling their oaths and CDG snits that only the king of 
Gondor can tell them what to do. Aragorn shows him the sword. 
Blah blah it was broken blah blah reforged. Aragorn says 
that...oh, fuck this, I’m going on to the next scene.

Back to the battle preparations in Gondor. Or Minas Tirith. 
I’ve given up trying to tell where we are. The gates open and 
a horse trots in, dragging an unconscious Faramir shot full of 
arrows behind him. Denethor cries and Pippin looks stunned. 
Blah bla fast forward. Pippin kneels next to Faramir and 
announces that he’s still alive while Denethor wanders in 
circles, moaning and muttering to no one in particular. The 
orcs open fire on the pretty, white, phallic towers nearby and 
Denethor calls to the men to abandon ship. Gandalf clobbers 
him with his glowstick and shouts “prepare for battle!” I wish 
I were kidding. The retreating soldiers send up a chorus of 
“oh, for the love of Valar!” and “would you people make up 
your MINDS!” Or, you know...not.

So the good guys start firing back on the orcs, hurling pieces 
of the destroyed towers with trebuchets. One piece comes 
hurtling toward the new ugly-ass leader, who just stares at it 
as all the other orcs around him run like hell. He moves out 
of the way a split second before it slams into the ground and 
spits on it. A couple other orcs look like they might have 
peed themselves a little.

The witch king and his army of flying dinosaurs descend on 
Gondor/Minas Tirith. Screaming. Chaos. Carnage. And I’m fast 
forwarding. 
   Chrissy: Remember when you were recapping “Pirates of the 
    Caribbean” and you couldn’t wait to get to the battle 
    scenes?
   Diandra: Yeah, but this whole *movie* is practically one 
    big battle scene.
Pippin has another brief moment in the sun when he kills an 
orc that was advancing on Gandalf.

Back with the Lollipop Guild – minus Sam. Gollum leads Frodo 
to a tunnel entrance and tells him to go in. Even those 
audience members who have been comatose for the last hour and 
a half have an inkling that this is probably not a good idea. 
“I don’t think I want to,” Frodo whimpers. Hey, maybe he 
actually does have a few brain cells left. Gollum insists it’s 
the only way and Frodo reluctantly enters. Gollum follows him 
and immediately disappears down some side tunnel, calling out 
to Frodo to insure that he becomes completely disoriented. 
Something sticks to Frodo’s hand and he yelps. He finds 
himself surrounded by what looks like giant cobwebs.
   Diandra: (looking at Chris warily) Please tell me this 
    isn’t going where I think it’s going...
   Chrissy: Well, I’ve only seen previews for this movie, 
    but...um...well...
Frodo panics and, naturally, tears up. I wonder if anybody 
ever counted the number of times Elijah Wood had to cry or 
almost cry during the course of these movies. It must be well 
over 50 by now. “Sam,” he murmurs sadly. He finds skeletons 
and birds caught up in the web, hears something ominous and 
makes a run for it.

Sam, still crying, is almost to the bottom of the staircase 
from Hell when he slips and falls...onto the army ration bread 
Gollum threw overboard. He glares back up the staircase.

Meanwhile, Frodo has managed to get himself tangled in a web. 
Cate’s voice reminds him of the (redundant) light she gave him 
for “dark places”. Wow, it took a long freaking time to get 
back to that plot point. He turns it on via some sort of chant 
and holds it up. Something moves behind him. Ominously, of 
course. He turns slowly and...yeah, it’s a giant spider. If 
you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drink myself stupid now. 

This is Chris. Apparently, the giant spider (aka “She”) is 
afraid of the light because Frodo manages to fend her off with 
it for a while. There’s a tussle and some running and man is 
she ugly. Frodo manages to dart through a space that is too 
narrow for her humongous ass and then runs right into another 
web and traps himself like a peabrained fly. Gollum starts 
singing tauntingly from the other side of the web. Frodo gets 
pissed and hacks at the web with his sword. He breaks free one 
second before she reaches him, of course, and escapes out of 
the caves. Gollum leaps on him and they grapple for a while 
until Gollum starts yelping “it wasn’t us! Smegol wouldn’t 
hurt Master! It was the precious!” Oh, please, Frodo’s not 
*that* stupid. Oh, wait, yes he is. He says he has to destroy 
it for both their sakes. Gollum switches to his evil face and 
attacks him again. But he has a little too much forward 
momentum so he catapults right over Frodo and falls over the 
side of a cliff to his death. Of course, he can’t actually be 
dead because a major antagonist can’t die half way through the 
movie, but we’re supposed to believe he did anyway.

Frodo staggers around for a bit and then collapses. He has a 
vision of Galadriel (or as Diandra insists on calling her: 
Cate) telling him this “task” was appointed to him and him 
alone and only he can find a way to do it. She helps him up 
and he starts walking again. 
   Chrissy: DIANDRA!
   Diandra: (pokes head back in the room) WHAT?
   Chrissy: This tape’s finished. 
   Diandra: Oh...(trudges back in the room, a bottle of 
    Bailey’s in hand, and switches tapes) Awright. Here we go.

(continued in part 2)