“The Two Towers” And we’re back. The same old-fashioned music as before accompanies us to the title card. We get a CGI pan of some pretty, snow-capped mountains, then go through a crack in the rocks and re-watch the entire “Gandalf decides to be stupid and fight a big ass flaming rock monster instead of – oh, I don’t know – RUNNING” scene. What? Peter Jackson didn’t think these movies were long enough already so he decided to start repeating shit? This time, we follow Gandalf down the rabbit- hole and watch him fight the Balrog. This was so obviously shot in front of a green screen that it makes my eyes roll into the back of my head. We cut to Frodo, bolting upright and panting in the classic Movie Character Waking From A Nightmare pose. Why do people always do that in the movies? Does anybody actually do that in real life? ‘Cause I certainly don’t. I just lay there panting and struggling to open my eyes so I can watch my bedroom door for any sign of monsters or ghosts or zombies or guys with submachine guns. Y’know. Whatever. Sam sits up beside him and... Chrissy: (squeal) They’re in bed together! Diandra: I was trying to avoid going there, thank you very much. Sam asks what’s wrong. Frodo says “nothing” (which is almost always code for “something”) and lays down again. Later, they’re climbing around on a mountain and stop to look at the flames in the distance. Sam says it’s Mordor and “let’s face it, Mr. Frodo. We’re lost.” What’d I say about having a woman in the fellowship, huh? HUH? And anyways, how can they be lost if they can SEE Mordor? Just keep moving towards the giant streak of ominous red light and you’ll find it! Blah de blah blah. Frodo has a vision of the Great Flaming Vagina and panics. They take a rest stop and Sam whines about the fact that the only food they have is lembas bread, which looks like cardboard to me. Later, as they’re walking through a fog, Sam mumbles something about this place looking “strangely familiar”. Frodo says that’s because they’re going in circles. Women. I’m just saying. Chrissy: All right. Enough with the feminist shtick. We GET IT! Then, Frodo ominously declares that they’re not alone. Dun dun DUNNNNNNN! Night. What? They think they’re being followed and they just set up camp and go to sleep, not even bothering to take turns keeping watch? The hell? A really ugly CGI...*thing* with a bad comb-over (or as Dave Barry calls him: Dick Cheney) creeps up on them, babbling something about “filthy little thieves” and his “preciousssss”. Even those of us who have not read the books are saying “Ah, Gollum, I presume?” The hobbits wake up and a fight breaks out. Blah blah blee Sam drags Gollum away from Frodo and they start biting each other. Then Frodo puts an end to the fight by holding a sword to Gollum’s throat and ordering “release him!” Gollum snarls and growls and blinks his evil-looking eyes. Then he lets Sam go and starts sobbing. His screeching wails can be heard from miles away. Morning. Sam drags a still-wailing Gollum by a makeshift leash. He crabs that “every orc in Mordor is going to hear this racket”. Then why the hell did you bring him along in the first place? Sam suggests tying him up and leaving him. Gollum shrieks “that would kill us!” Sam is obviously not too broken up about this. As Gollum writhes around in the dirt and generally makes a fool of himself, Frodo recalls Gandalf’s earlier comments about him and says “I *do* pity him.” Gollum’s ears perk up at this and he promises to “be nice” to them if they’ll return the favor. “We swears!” This guy’s grammar is going to drive me up a wall. He promises to “serve the master of the precious” and babble babble hack cough choke. Frodo says he’s going to hold him to his word. Because if you can’t trust a creepy-looking CGI creature who attacks you in the middle of the night and refers to himself in the plural, who can you trust? “If we let him go, he’ll try to throttle us in our sleep,” Sam protests. No, really? What gives you that idea? Besides the fact that he’s tried it once already, I mean? Frodo asks if Gollum knows the way to Mordor. Why, yes, as a matter of fact, he does. He takes off the leash and says “you will lead us [there].” Parade of the Orcs. Two orcs have the Comic Relief Twins draped over their backs. Pippin tries to get Merry’s attention, but he’s deeply unconscious and has a nasty gash on his forehead. Ugly #2 (who looks exactly like Ugly #1, who Aragorn decapitated in the first movie) stops suddenly and announces that he can smell “man flesh.” Meaning Aragorn is hot on their trail. Pippin gets one of his flashes of brilliance when he hears this and rips the clasp from his cloak with his teeth, dropping it on the ground. Speaking of Aragorn...he’s got an ear to the ground, doing an impression of a Native American listening for buffalo. “Their pace has quickened,” he mutters. “They must have caught our scent.” Right. Did I miss the part where we learn that he’s psychic? Because I have a hard time believing that he can get all of this from pressing his ear to a rock. He calls “hurry” over his shoulder and runs off. Legolas darts into view. Why are his eyes still brown? Or have they been blue all along and I’m just imagining things? I giggle anyway because I recognize this shot from that one car commercial where the girl hits the pause button on the special on-board television and goes into her own little cheesy fantasy world until her brother snatches the remote from her and wonders why girls are so *weird*. It made me laugh every time. God forbid that girl ever get computer access, because the last thing this fandom needs is more rabid teenage fangirls. Ahem. Where was I? Right. Legolas shouts “come Gimli” over his shoulder and scampers after Aragorn. Gimli brings up the rear, staggering, panting and bitching. Now we get several shots of the trio running across the pretty, pretty New Zealand landscape as Howard Shore hauls out the Trumpets of Heroic Fanfare. Again. I feel compelled to mention that when some of these shots were filmed, all three of these people were injured in ways that would make running difficult. Oh, to have been a fly on the set that day. I can just picture it... Peter Jackson: Aaaaaaaand cut! Viggo, Orlando and Brett Beattie (the little guy playing Gimli at a distance): OW OW SHIT OW! (Stream of unintelligible curses) Heh. Aragorn finds the clasp on the ground. Legolas declares that the Comic Relief Twins may still be alive. Sigh. I see his status as Person with the Dumbest, Most Redundant Lines hasn’t changed. Aragorn says they’re less than a day ahead and starts running again. Gimli stumbles into view. Legolas yells “come Gimli” again and scampers off. Gimli bitches some more and pumps his little legs, trying in vain to catch up. Poor guy. They stop on a rock overlooking the hills of “Rohan”, according to Aragorn. He helpfully points out that Rohan is “home of the horse lords”. Good, maybe they can pick up a couple so they don’t have to WALK all the freaking way across New Zealand. Legolas darts ahead and Aragorn asks what he sees. “[something something] they’re taking the hobbits to Isengaard,” Legolas replies. Aragorn mutters a curse, I think. Then again, he could just be commenting on the view of Legolas’ ass. Barren Wasteland that contains the Tower of Doom. S-Dawg is chanting, his hand hovering over some sort of crystal ball. Blah blah might of Sauron and Saruman blah blah union of the Two Towers blah. I guess this has something to do with ruling all of Middle Earth. I wish people would come up with better bad-guy motivations because the whole world-domination thing is so old. We get another view of the Great Flaming Vagina, although, from a distance it looks more like a fiery cat-eye. Orcs. Tearing down trees. S-Dawg. Walking around yammering about how great he is or something. I’m not really paying attention. Several orcs are “birthed” and I feel the Kung Pao Vegetable I ate back up on me. “We have only to remove those who oppose us,” S-Dawg declares. Which is what? Everybody? We see a village where people are scrambling around, preparing to flee S-Dawg’s incoming troops, and...y’know what? I don’t give a shit about these people. Moving on! Now we are introduced to some new characters. The King of Rohan, who looks like the living dead; his “advisor”, who looks strangely like Gollum but minus the weird voice, let’s call him “Igor”; a man named Eomer and a woman named Eowyn, who, as far as I can tell, have no relationship to anybody else. E’n’E try to convince the king to “defend” Rohan from S- Dawg’s minions but Igor has apparently brainwashed the king so he won’t do it. Also? The king’s son is dying and he doesn’t seem to care. Then, for reasons that I don’t really understand because I basically slept through this scene, Igor has Eomer banished from Rohan. Back with the Three Stooges. Gimli is still muttering to himself. “Keep breathing...that’s the key...breathe! Hooooo...” Poor guy. Haven’t these people heard of taking rest stops? Legolas says something that frankly just sounds like one long jumble of vowels to me. Hang on a second. [Diandra pulls up the transcript on her computer] Apparently, he’s saying “they run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them.” [Diandra stares at the screen, blinking] I can’t believe I just wasted my time looking that up. [Diandra bangs her head on her desk] The orcs stop for a “breather”. Merry wakes up and tells Pippin that he thinks they made a mistake leaving the Shire. Isn’t that the understatement of the year? The orcs start chopping trees and a really loud groaning sound makes the Comic Relief Twins jump. Pippin asks what it is. Merry says it’s the trees. The trees are aliiiiiive (with the sound of music). One orc – we’ll call him Ugly #3 – bitches that he’s hungry and all they have to eat is maggoty bread. Urk. Chris! Be ready to take over! Ugly #4 looks at the Comic Relief Twins and says “what about them? They’re freshhhhhh.” Ugly #2 says they’re not food – as S-Dawg ordered them to be brought to him alive. #4 just salivates. One orc suggests they just eat their legs since they won’t be needing them. There’s a scuffle and one of them gets his head loped off. The rest of the orcs dive on the body and intestines start flying. This is Chris. Diandra just ran into the bathroom with her hand over her mouth, so I guess it’s my turn. While the orcs are occupied, the Comic Relief Twins crawl away awkwardly (their hands are tied). A foot on one of their backs (I can’t tell which one) stops them. I believe Dee referred to this orc as #4, although he looks more like #2 to me (rim shot). He whips out the list of old, clichéd phrases ripped right out of James Bond films and says “no one’s gonna save you now.” Of course, phrases like that are a sure sign that the character saying them will die shortly after the words leave his or her mouth. And whaddya know? A spear lodges itself in his back and he falls over dead. A bunch of faceless men stampede through the camp on horseback. Pippin (I think...it’s hard to tell) rolls onto his back and screams as a horse rears on its hind legs above him, ready to stomp him to death. Cut to the next morning. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are still running. Legolas stops and says “a red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.” I imagine if Dee were here and not puking her guts up, she’d be shrieking, banging her head on the desk and talking about how much she wishes he would just shut up. I, on the other hand, am just barely restraining myself from licking the screen. God, he’s hot... Diandra: (coming back in the room) For Pete’s sake, I leave you alone for two minutes and you’re already drooling all over my keyboard! Move over, it’s my turn. The Three Stooges duck out of the way as a group of men ride by. After they’ve passed, Aragorn jumps up and shouts “Riders of Rohan! [something something]!” Great. Now I can’t understand him either. The riders circle back and the Lovers Who Pretend They Are Not look at each other warily. The Three Stooges are surrounded by spear-weilding men. The leader – Eomer for those of you keeping score – demands to know what the hell they’re doing in the “Riddermark”. Gimli says you tell me your name and I’ll tell you mine. Eomer sneers “I would cut off your head *dwarf* if it stood but a little higher from the ground.” Legolas whips out an arrow and cocks his bow so fast I actually jump. “You would die before your stroke fell,” he grits. Y’know, that almost makes up for the fact that he’s been a total doorknob up until now. Almost. Aragorn easily subdues him and introduces them all to Eomer. By the way, Legolas’ eyes are blue now. If I didn’t know they were supposed to be that way, I’d probably be throwing things at the television and bitching about the lapse in continuity right now. And don’t even try to tell me it has something to do with Elves eye color changing according to their emotions, because as far as I can tell Legolas only has three emotions (indifference, mild amusement and pissed off) and none of them have any correlation with the color of his eyes. Aragorn says they are friends of Rohan and its King Theoden. The men surrounding them retract their weapons. Eomer says S- Dawg has “poisoned” King Theo’s mind and “claimed lordship” over Rohan. Eomer and his Merry Men have been banished. Hello? We just saw this. Why do we have to hear about it again? Aragorn finally gets to the point and tells Eomer about their orc-hunting, hobbit-finding mission. Eomer says ‘orcs, huh? Well, as contrivance would have it, we just happen to be the guys who raided the orc camp last night. Unfortunately, we killed everyone and used their bodies to make a bonfire, so you’re shit out of luck.’ The Three Stooges looks stricken as Mr. Shore cues up the mournful brass. Eomer apologizes, gives them a couple of horses and flees. So the Three Stooges ride on over to the burning orc pile. Leoglas and Gimli share a horse – I assume because letting Aragorn and Legolas share a horse would have been too... distracting. We pan to an orc head on a spike, its tongue sticking out rather comically. Aragorn and Legolas sort of stand around ineffectually while Gimli pokes at the pile. He unearths a belt that belonged to one of the twins. Legolas says something that sounds like a prayer in Elvish, but it’s unsubtitled, so I’ll just pretend he’s saying “why, God, did I have to get all the stupid lines?” Aragorn kicks a nearby helmet and screams his head off. Dude? Anger management. Then he perks up and looks at the ground. He starts using his super powerful tracker senses to piece together what happened the night before. Legolas and Gimli follow him with baffled expressions on their faces as he walks around talking excitedly. Scratch that. Gimli looks baffled. Legolas looks indifferent. While Aragorn talks, we actually see what happened in flashback. Whichever twin was under the horse managed to roll away – narrowly escaping being turned into Hobbit Pancake. They crawled away and used a sharp rock to cut the ropes around their wrists. An orc chased them and grabbed one by the belt. The belt snapped loose – hence how Gimli found it in the burning orc pile. The Three Stooges halt when they reach the edge of the woods. Aragorn declares the twins went in there. We get a nice pan/time shift to the twins running through the woods the night before. They climb a tree to escape the orc pursuing them. The orc grabs Merry before he gets all the way up and drags him to the ground. Scuffle. Pippen watches helplessly. A couple of eyes blink open next to his hand, revealing a face. Hold onto your hats folks, ‘cause this is where it starts getting really weird. Pippin freaks out and starts to fall, but a branch reaches out to catch him. The orc is in the middle of performing Fundamental Bad Guy Error #5: Diarrhea of the Mouth when the tree raises one of it’s “feet” and stomps him like a pesky bug. Merry tries to run, but is snatched up in another branch. The tree glares at them and mutters something incoherent. “It’s talking Merry,” Pippin whimpers. “The tree is talking.” Yes, Pippin, yes it is. Just go with it. “Ahhhhyyyyyeeeeee am no treeeeeeeeeee,” the tree snips very slowly. “Ahyyeee am an Ennnnnnntttt.” Merry expositions that Ents are “treehearders” and “sheapard[s] of the forest.” Pippin asks Merry to please not talk to it. Heh. The tree says his name is Treebeard. Gee, how creative. Pippin warily asks whose side Treebeard is on. Treebeard says nobody’s because “nobody is on myyyyyyy side.” Ouch. “We’re not orcs,” Merry yelps, apropos of nothing. But Treebeard has never heard of a hobbit before and he’s convinced they’re just tricky, lying orcs. Oh please. They’re not nearly ugly enough. Treebeard brings them to the “white wizard”, who he says will know what they are. We’re supposed to assume (for now) that the white wizard is S-Dawg. Treebeard drops them in front of a man with long white hair and flowing white robes. We don’t see his face. Yeah, this doesn’t scream “big reveal” or anything. Meanwhile, the Lollipop Guild (what? They’re all short) are getting closer to Mordor. Yawn. Wake me when they get there, would ya? They come to a swamp, which Gollum tries to guide them through. Sam sees dead people...snerk, sorry...floating below the surface of the water. Gollum babbles that they are men, elves and “orcsies” from a great battle long ago. That wouldn’t be the same battle we saw at the beginning of the first movie, would it? Then he warns the hobbits “don’t follow the lights!” Gollum and Sam move on, but Frodo stops and stares at one of the bodies. It’s eyes pop open and Howard Shore bangs the drum of X-Files creepiness. I crawl into Chrissy’s lap for protection. Against what, I’m not really sure. Chrissy: Get off me! Diandra: Mommmy... Frodo falls face first in the water and sees demonic faces and ghostly, skeletal hands reaching for him. Chrissy: Get off me, damnit! Diandra: (whimper) Gollum pulls him out of the water, drags him to safety and snaps “Don’t. Follow. The lights.” They start off again. Night. Sam is sleeping soundly. Frodo is wide awake and stroking the ring in bored fascination when he hears Gollum babbling nearby and practically leaps out of his skin. They start talking and Frodo reveals his theory that Gollum “[wasn’t] so different from a hobbit once.” Then he calls him Smegol. Hello? Where did that come from? Did he just pull that out of his ass, because as far as I know nobody’s mentioned that name before. Sam jolts awake and announces that the Minions of Doom are coming. Is he psychic suddenly or has he just been hanging around Aragorn too long? When they’re safely hidden, Sam splutters that he thought the MoDs were dead. Gollum says they can’t be killed. Great. By the way, the MoDs have abandoned their horses (or rather lost them when Arwen tried to drown them I suppose...I didn’t recap that part of the first movie did I? Forget I said anything then) and are now riding flying dinosaurs (otherwise known as Pterodactyls). Yes, because the talking tree wasn’t unbelievable enough. Shoot me. I mean, it looks cool and all, but... [strums lips in the classic gesture of “weird”]. Frodo is in some sort of trance and tries to take the ring out, but Sam stops him and holds his hand. Chrissy: (SQUEAL) Diandra: Oh, shut up. The dinosaurs fly off and Gollum tells the hobbits to get their butts in gear because they’re getting close. The Three Stooges traipse through the forest. Aragorn mutters something about some “strange tracks”. “This forest is old,” Legolas announces. Oh, shut up, Useless. They all jump as the trees start moaning and groaning. Legolas says they’re speaking to each other. Then he senses a disturbance in the force and tells Aragorn that there’s “something” out there. Well, hell, Mulder’s been saying that for years...oh...sorry. Legolas says it’s the “white wizard”. We get a close-up of his eyes to confirm that they are, indeed, blue now. Everybody readies their weapons and whirls around to face a heavily backlit figure who easily deflects Gimli’s ax and Legolas’ arrow. Aragorn’s sword turns flaming hot and he drops it with a yelp. Ian McKellen’s voice booms at them, saying that the hobbits passed by here a couple days ago and “met someone they did not expect.” Well, who the hell would expect a talking TREE? Unless, of course, they were heavily medicated. “Who are you,” Aragorn demands. Who do you think he is, stupid? Has it really been so long that you’ve forgotten what his voice sounds like? Because unless Ian is playing more than one character in these movies it seems pretty obvious to me that this is Gandalf. He’s got a really distinctive voice. Gandalf steps out of the light and Aragorn and Gimli gape at him in shock. Legolas drops to one knee (sadly, not in front of Aragorn). Aragorn says “[but...but...] you fell.” Gandalf says yeah, it took some doing, but he finally kicked that bastard’s fiery ass and fell down the side of a mountain. Or something like that anyway. He had some sort of near-death experience (at least that’s the way I understand it) and came back as Gandalf the White (as opposed to Gandalf the Grey which we are just now finding out was his title before). And Legolas’ eyes are brown again. Grumble. The Fab Four exit the woods and Gandalf whistles loudly. A gorgeous white horse gallops toward them in slow motion. Legolas says something, but I’ve pretty much tuned him out by now. Gandalf introduces the horse as “Shadowfax...the Lord of all horses”. And we’re back with the tree. Blah blah blee blee it promises to keep the Comic Relief Twins safe. And that’s about all you need to know about this scene. The Lollipop Guild climb over a hill and come face to...well, gate with Mordor. Gollum says ‘see? You told me to bring you here and I did. See?’ Frodo says ‘yeah, yeah, shut up for a sec.’ A troop of what looks like ninjas parade up to the gate and horns start blowing. A couple of those ugly ogres turn a giant wheel and the gate starts to open. Sam tries to creep closer and the rock he’s leaning on breaks, sending him careening down the hill. Frodo races after him and finds him half trapped under a rock or something. One of the ninjas sees the dust cloud Sam created in the distance and breaks from the troops to check it out. Frodo pulls a Harry Potter and flips his cloak over him and Sam as the ninja approaches. Except instead of turning them invisible it just disguises them as a big rock. And since Lord of the Rings was written probably long before JK Rowling was even born, I suppose technically Harry Potter was pulling a Frodo. The ninja returns to the group and Sam wrenches himself free. He and Frodo move to follow the ninjas but Gollum pulls them back suddenly, shrieking “no!” “They’ll catch you,” he gasps. “He wants the preciousss!” No, really? I thought maybe he just wanted them to sit down and have tea with him. I’m sure he gets lonely up there in the Tower of Doom all by himself. Wait. Are we talking about S-Dawg or someone else? I’m not even sure what’s going on anymore. What movie is this? Who am I? Mommy... Gollum says there’s another way in. Well why the hell did he even bother taking them this way then? Sam seems to agree with me and asks why Gollum didn’t mention this ‘shortcut’ earlier. Gollum says they didn’t ask. Sam tells Frodo he thinks Gollum is “up to something”. Oh, really? What makes you say that? Besides the obvious, I mean. Frodo says he’s gotten them this far already, they might as well keep going. And we’re back with the Fab Four. They arrive at...wherever the palace the King of Rohan lives in is located. They said a name, but I can’t for the life of me understand it. As is the case with much of what is said in these movies. Scene I don’t really give a shit about. King Theo’s son dies. Whoopee doo. Igor is still an evil snake and let’s move on before I put myself to sleep over here. Pretty Celtic-ish music that sounds like it was ripped straight from the soundtrack of “The Patriot” accompanies the Fab Four as they ride up to the pretty castle. A guard greets them and says he’ll need to take all of their weapons before they can go in. Everyone hands over their weapons and Legolas makes sure to show off by twirling his knives around a little. The guard asks for Gandalf’s staff. Gandalf puts on a frail little old man act and asks if they would really take away his “walking stick”. They relent and Gandalf winks at Aragorn when the guard turns his back. I love him. He keeps up the old man act by hanging on to Legolas’ arm as they enter. Continuity error: when the door slams behind them, they all turn to look at it and Gandalf lets go of Legolas. Then we go to a reverse shot and they’re back in their original positions and it doesn’t look like they turned around at all. And in the next shot they’re standing, like, a foot apart. It’s really weird. Igor tells King Theo that they are not welcome here. “Why should I welcome you,” King Theo slurs like a good little lap dog. Igor starts doing his evil bad guy shtick. Blah blah yadda yadda. Gandalf tells him to cram it and waves the “walking stick” in his face. Igor shrinks back and whimpers that he told the guards to take that damn thing. Chaos erupts. Gandalf keeps walking toward the throne and King Theo as the others fend off the guards. I start laughing because the sight of Ian calmly walking along while people dart around him grunting, growling and punching each other is just...funny. Chrissy: You’re easily amused, aren’t you? Diandra: You’re just now figuring this out? Blah di blah blah. I’m not really paying attention here. I’m too busy giggling. The circus halts and Gandalf announces “I release you from the spell” and waves his hand magician-like. Pause. King Theo laughs a truly evil and creepy laugh and says “you have no power here, Gandalf the Grey.” Gandalf whips off his robe and King Theo gasps. Ew. That sounded pornographic. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go set my head on fire to cleanse myself of that mental image. Eowyn appears and runs to stop Gandalf or something. Aragorn grabs her and holds her back. There’s a long Exorcist moment that ends when Gandalf wins and S-Dawg gets sent back to whatever hole he crawled out of. Actually, he just collapses on the floor at the Tower of Doom, but whatever. I just realized how little sense those last couple sentences must make. Oh well. Eowyn rushes forward to catch King Theo as he slumps over. There’s a cool moment where he visibly regresses back to the way he was before S- Dawg started using him as a puppet. Hey...it’s Captain Smith from “Titanic”! I didn’t recognize him before! “I know your face,” he mumbles. “Eowyn.” She cries. Igor squirms nervously. Captain Smith glares at him. Outside, Igor is unceremoniously thrown down the castle stairs. Captain Smith follows him, wielding a sword menacingly. Igor yelps that he was only trying to “serve” Captain Smith. Yeah, if by “serve” you mean “deliver his soul to the devil on a silver platter”. Captain Smith moves in for the kill, but Aragorn stops him. Damn him and his bleeding heart. I think that near-death experience has made him soft. Igor runs off like the slimy coward he is and Captain Smith asks where his (dead) son is. Funeral for Son of Captain Smith. There’s a conversation between Captain Smith and Gandalf here, but while I love them both and think they’re wonderful actors I really don’t give a flip what they’re talking about. Then Bernard Hill gives the standard “no parent should have to bury their child” speech and cries. I stare at the screen with my mouth wide open. I just...yeah. A couple of kids ride up on a horse and one of them falls off. Well, that was random. Captain Smith et al take the kids in and feed them. Eowyn explains who they are: survivors from that village we saw, like, five pages ago. I said I didn’t give a shit about them? Yeah, that one. Gandalf says ‘see? This is what S-Dawg is doing to your country!’ Cap. Smith just looks ill. “You must fight,” Gandalf insists. Aragorn joins in Gandalf’s campaign and...wow...his eyes are...hypnotizing...I...um... Chrissy: SNAP OUT OF IT! Huh? Oh. Sorry. Where was I? Yeah, Cap. Smith says he won’t risk further people by going to war. Isn’t that nice? A leader who refuses to send his men off to war unless he has a damn good reason. Aragorn says too bad because the war is coming to *him* whether he wants it to or not. Captain Smith marches toward Aragorn and Legolas snaps to attention, ready to defend his lover if necessary. No, I’m actually not making that up. Watch it yourself if you don’t believe me. Gimli just shoves his face with food, slops ale on his beard and burps loudly. That’s just...lovely. Cap. Smith orders the city evacuated and its people moved to Helm’s Deep. Gandalf bitches to Aragorn that this is a bad move and Cap. Smith is “walking into a trap”. Then he climbs on his horse and leaves, but not before telling Aragorn to look for him “at first light on the fifth day. At dawn. Look to the East.” Legolas jumps out of the way as Gandalf gallops past him, then he and Aragorn fall into each other’s arms and disappear into an empty stall for some wild, raunchy sex. Or not. [Actually, on second viewing, I noticed that Gimli was standing next to Legolas. He jumped in the other direction so fast I didn’t even see him at first. My bad] Castle. Eowyn is practicing with her sword, showing off some mean moves when Aragorn interrupts her. Actually, he appears out of nowhere with his sword already drawn I guess because when she whirls around with her blade it clashes with his. Not only is he psychic, he’s very good at sneaking up on people. I’m starting to wonder if he was raised by some Indian tribe or something. He tells her she has “some skill”. She smacks his sword away and waves her own in his face. He’s lucky. I would’ve taken a swipe at his crotch. She says the women in her country have learned how to fight. “I fear neither death nor pain.” He asks what she *does* fear. “A cage,” she says simply. In other words? She’s a modern woman stuck in a pre- women’s lib world. As is common in Hollywood movies. He sheaths his sword (no, the other one) and says he doesn’t think that will be her fate. Then he bows and wanders off to find Legolas because that little bit of foreplay there has gotten him all hot and bothered. Meanwhile, Igor is telling S-Dawg that Cap. Smith will not wait for them to attack and he’ll probably flee to Helm’s Deep. Wow. There isn’t one name in that sentence that is an actual character’s name. It’s not that I don’t know their names, I just don’t care. Anyway, to do this, Cap. Smith will have to take a long, treacherous road through the mountains. With women and children. And what made them think this was a good idea, exactly? Back with the Lollipop Guild. Gollum chases a fish down a stream. Sam calls him names and Frodo jumps to his defense. Sam says he’s a lying, deceitful little shit, so what does Frodo care? Frodo says Sam has no idea what the ring did to Gollum. Oh, and Frodo does? What? “I want to help him Sam. I have to believe he can come back.” Sheesh. This is like the woman who marries a total loser because she thinks she can “change him”. GIVE UP! IT’LL NEVER WORK! Sam agrees with me, again, telling Frodo he can’t save Gollum. Frodo blows up at Sam. Aw. Little lover’s spat. I...what did I just say? AUGH!! Chrissy: Mwahaha. Then Frodo apologizes and says he doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. Sam says he does... Chrissy: “Me!” Diandra: (freezes and stares at the computer screen, eye twitching, making faint gagging noises until Chrissy nudges her) Don’t ever put that image in my head again! He says it’s the ring. Yes, let’s blame EVERYTHING on the ring. It could just be stress, you know. What with his FRIEND DYING and people trying to KILL HIM and whatnot. I think I’d be a little testy too. “You’re not eating,” Sam continues. “You barely sleep.” Somebody’s been paying way to much attention to Frodo’s personal hygiene. Night. The hobbits are asleep. Gollum babbles to himself about the “wicked hobbitsies” stealing the “preciousssss” from “us”. Then we get a totally different shot of him as he says “master is my friend.” Back to the original shot as he says “you don’t have any friends!” Oh, great. Sure. Why not? Giant flaming rock creatures...ugly pointy-eared pig monsters with black blood...invincible men riding flying dinosaurs...I suppose it’s only natural that the funny looking CGI creature has multiple personalities. What’s next? Flying monkeys? Giant spiders? Anyway, Gollum’s Id and Superego bicker for a while until the “good guy” wins. Or *does* he? The next morning, Gollum deposits a couple of dead rabbits in Frodo’s lap. Frodo screams, leaps to his feet and runs in circles, frantically brushing at his clothes. Oh, wait, that’s what *I* would have done. Gollum dances around for a bit and then starts tearing into one of the rabbits raw and this is Chris. Diandra’s in the bathroom again. Bloody weak stomach that girl has. I should just fire up the laptop so she can do this recap while kneeling next to the toilet. Anyway, Sam says Gollum is making Frodo sick (gee, I can’t imagine why) and snatches the rabbits from him so he can make a stew. Gollum squeals that he’s ruining the rabbits and calls him a “stupid fat hobbit”. Sam just wishes he had some potatoes to go with the stew. They continue to talk about food until I start salivating. Chrissy: Hey, Diandra! Get back here so I can go make a sandwich or something! Diandra: (crawls back in the room and drags the keyboard onto the floor) I really hate Peter Jackson right now. I can’t take any more of this... Sam finally concludes that Gollum is “hopeless.” Then he notices that Frodo has disappeared and goes looking for him. Sam and Gollum find Frodo at a lookout point, watching more of the ninja troops march across a field. Gollum exposits that the “dark one” is gathering his army and readying for his big ass war. “The last war”. Yeah, well, that’s what they said about World War One and look how well that’s worked out. A couple of *gigantic* elephants lumber into view. They have four tusks each and are approximately the size of a small house. The Lollipop Guild jump when they hear something behind them and Gollum bolts. Mysterious, hooded men appear and start dropping the ninjas left and right. Why the hell are Frodo and Sam just SITTING there? I hardly think it’s rational behavior for one to sit around and watch as a big ass fight breaks out and people start dropping dead right in front of them. One ninja goes flying and lands right next to them. Frodo just looks at this like it’s something he sees every day and says – as flatly as one would say “pass the salt” – “we’ve lingered here too long.” YOU THINK?! He turns and runs headlong into a man’s chest. He and Sam are immediately captured. A man who is obviously the leader of the Mysterious Hooded Men orders the others to tie them up and marches off. And we’re back with the doomed citizens marching to Helm’s Deep. Gimli is yammering away to Eowyn about Dwarves. Apparently, dwarven women are so ugly that they can be mistaken for dwarven men. “It’s the beards,” Aragorn whispers to her. Snort. I’d believe it. Gimli accidentally falls off his horse and Aragorn and Eowyn share a laugh along with a few longing looks and doe-eyed stares because I guess it’s been so long since we’ve seen Arwen that nobody remembers her anymore. And where the hell is Legolas while all this is going on anyway? Oh, whatever. Moving on. Night. Aragorn is asleep. Or so he says. He opens his eyes to find Arwen beside him. “This is a dream,” he says. Oh, really? What makes you say that, Oh Psychic One? Besides the fact that she’s actually hundreds of miles away or so? She says it’s a good dream then. Aragorn says, “actually, if it were then Legolas would be sitting where you are right now and he’d be naked.” Or maybe I just imagined that part. They kiss. What follows is the most boring scene I’ve ever tried to recap. And that includes every scene in “Sand”. I can’t even bring myself to tell you what it’s about because I’m afraid I’ll put myself to sleep. So let’s just move on, shall we? And we’re walking again. Eowyn asks Aragorn where he got the pendant around his neck. The pendant looks like the Medical whateveryoucallitIcan’trememberbecauseIfailedscience symbol. The one with the snakes. I’ll just call it the Blue Cross Pendant ‘cause I like how it sounds. Aragorn snatches the baton from Madame Exposition to show us a flashback of Elrond pleading with him to let Arwen go “into the West” to the “undying lands” with all the other elves and how does this explain the pendant, exactly? Blah blah Aragorn basically tells Eowyn that he let Arwen go. Not that he has control over what she does or where she goes or anything. I mean... Chrissy: Down girl. A couple of riders break formation and ride to the front where Legolas (remember him?) is standing on a hill, staring at something. An orc, riding what looks like a hyena, comes flying out of nowhere and attacks one of the riders. There’s a scuffle and the orc is knocked off his hyena. Legolas swoops in and kills him. “Scouts,” he yells back to Aragorn. He’s big on one-word sentences it would seem. [Hmm...I just typoed “his big”. I think my brain was going in an entirely different direction for a moment there] Aragorn runs back to warn everybody and the women and children scream like ninnies. Except for Eowyn, of course. God bless her. Legolas runs back up the hill to watch as more orcs on hyenas ride their way. Eowyn wants to fight with the men, but Cap. Smith manages to convince her to take all the non-warriors to safety instead. She and Aragorn exchange a long look before parting ways. Legolas starts shooting down orcs from about a mile away. Then the others ride up behind him and he swings himself up – in slow motion no less - onto the horse he’s sharing with Gimli in a way that completely defies gravity. Thousands of teenage girls squeal. Oh, okay. That was kinda cool. Battle Sequence #53. The two sides ride toward each other yelling, whooping and snarling. They slam into each other at high speed. Arrows and people start flying. Gimli falls off the horse again and a hyena moves toward him menacingly. Legolas circles back and shoots it before Gimli gets a chance to defend himself. “That one counts as mine,” Gimli barks. He turns and kills another one, which falls over dead on top of him. An orc crawls on top of the hyena and hisses at Gimli. Gimli kills him and he falls over dead on top of the hyena. Then another hyena crawls on top of *him* What is this? See how many bodies we can pile on top of the dwarf before he’s crushed to death? Aragorn throws an abandoned spear into the hyena and it falls over dead on top of the pile. Gimli moans. After approximately twelve hours of fighting, an orc pulls Aragorn up onto his hyena. Don’t ask why, just go with it. That’s my mantra for dealing with these movies, by the way. They fight and the orc knocks Aragorn off the hyena but Aragorn gets his wrist caught on something. Aragorn kills the orc and flings him off the hyena. Then he and the hyena go flying over the edge of a cliff and disappear. The fighting starts winding down. The good guys won, naturally. Legolas walks around the battlefield, frantically calling for his missing lover. Gimli joins him. A dying orc nearby (actually, it might be the same one Aragorn threw from the hyena...guess he wasn’t dead yet...my bad) laughs and coughs up black blood. Gimli waves his ax at him and demands to know what happened to Aragorn. The orc says he fell off the cliff and died. Please. As if. Legolas yanks the orc up by his tunic and snarls “you lie!” Thousands of slashers squeal with delight. Including me. SQUEEEE! The orc promptly dies and Legolas notices the Blue Cross Pendant clutched in his hand. He grabs it and runs to the cliff. He, Gimli and Cap. Smith look at the river below, where there is no sign of either Aragorn or the hyena. We get a view clear up Legolas’ skirt (or tunic or whatever the hell it is) thanks to the camera angle. Was that really necessary? [Diandra is knocked out of her chair with the force of several thousand fangirls screaming “YES!!!”] Legolas looks like he might cry. Some random soldier walks up and Cap. Smith starts giving orders to him. Blah blah blah “leave the dead”. Legolas shoots him a look that the Council of Elrond (www.council-of-elrond.com) describes as “perplexed anger.” Whatever. I’ll just call it “pissed off and possibly on the verge of tears”. Cap. Smith pats him on the shoulder and walks away. Legolas looks at the pendant in his hand and debates throwing himself off the cliff as well because he just doesn’t think he can live without his precious Aragorn. Eventually, the group arrives at Helm’s Deep and we get an overhead shot of it to show us just how fortified it is. The men are greeted by Eowyn, who comments on how few of them are left. Well, isn’t she just Ms. Sensitivity? Cap. Smith says his people are safe and that’s all that matters. She asks Gimli where Aragorn is. Oh, boy. Cue the waterworks. “He fell,” Gimli chokes. Eowyn gives Cap. Smith a devastated look and falls to her knees. I assume Legolas has already run off to some corner somewhere to cry his little heart out in private. Igor tells S-Dawg about Helm’s Deep’s “one weakness”. A sewer, running inside the walls. Okay, who built this place? If it’s supposed to be an impenetrable “last defense”, why the hell would they build something like that? Why don’t they just put up a big sign over it that says “BAD GUYS ENTER HERE”? S-Dawg says that if the wall is breached, Helm’s Deep will fall. Really? Igor sputters that they’d need thousands of people to accomplish that. “Tens of thousands,” S-Dawg corrects. Well, if you’re going to be picky about it... “But my lord,” Igor sputters. “There *is* no such force!” They step up to a balcony, beneath which is an army of, like, a million. S-Dawg gives a speech as Peter Jackson pans backward through the masses to show us just how huge they are. “March to Helm’s Deep,” S-Dawg concludes. “Leave none alive.” Then he tells a flabbergasted Igor that there will be “no dawn for men.” Yeah, because the bad guys usually win in this sort of situation. Back with the talking tree. Pippin sees smoke in the distance. Treebeard says it’s Isengaard. He keeps babbling but the twins aren’t really paying attention because they’re trying to climb higher to get a better look. They see S-Dawg’s army marching across Pretty, Pretty New Zealand and Merry announces that the war has started. An unconscious Aragorn (c’mon, we all know he’s not dead) washes ashore. He has a vision of Arwen, but I care so little about this relationship that I won’t go into detail. A horse shows up and nudges Aragorn awake, then kneels beside him so he can wearily drag himself up and ride off. Meanwhile, Daddy Elrond tells Arwen that it’s time to leave for Valinor – which I assume to be the undying lands he keeps yapping about. She says she ain’t goin’ nowhere. “He is not. Coming back,” Elrond snips. Wanna bet? He reminds her that even if he does, he’s mortal and she...well, isn’t. He keeps talking but my mind is wandering and I’m just waiting for him to put on a pair of sunglasses and start calling her “Mr. Annnndersonnnnnn.” Arwen has a vision of herself standing over a very old, very dead Aragorn. Yeah, yeah, she’ll be widowed and miserable for all of eternity blah blah WE GET IT! She cries. Elrond sits next to her and she blubbers all over him. So the elves leave for Valinor. We get a really cool shot of them all hooded and carrying lanterns. Elrond watches Arwen go with them sadly. Here’s a question: why can’t he go with the rest of the elves? Was there some explanation of this somewhere and I slept through it? Then, for inexplicable reasons, we see Cate babbling away in unsubtitled Elvish. She switches to English and says “the power of the enemy is growing.” Blah blah Gondor blah blah kingdom of men blah blah and I’m bored again. “The strength of the ringbearer is fading,” she says. “The quest will claim his life. You know this.” Wha? She claims the ring is busy trying to get itself back in the hands of someone easily corrupted. Such as – oh, I don’t know – A MAN. We see the head Mysterious Hooded Guy who captured Frodo and Cate tells us he is the Captain of Gondor. The Captain of Gondor tells the Dynamic Duo that his men think they are orc spies. Okay, seriously, what the hell makes everyone think the orcs would have hobbits as spies? They’ve proven they are willing to kill their own people for simply looking at them funny. Why would a hobbit want to have anything to do with them? I’m starting to think this whole “orc spies” song and dance routine is just a way for characters to reveal that they’re completely paranoid. Frodo introduces himself and Sam. “Your bodyguard,” Captain of Gondor asks. “His gardener,” Sam sneers. Chrissy: Yes, and I’m sure you do an excellent job tending to his “garden”, if you know what I mean. Diandra: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! The Captain asks where the “gangly one” is. Frodo pretends to have no idea who he’s talking about. Then he adds that they started the Longest Trip Ever with seven others, two of which were men. Aragorn and Boromir. Captain of Gondor’s eyes obviously darken. “You’re a friend of Boromir,” he asks while ominous music screeches across the soundtrack. “It would grieve you then to know that he is dead.” “Not really,” Frodo says. “I mean...uh, what? How?” The Captain of Gondor says he was hoping they could tell him because “he was my brother.” DundundundunDUN! Sometime later, a random extra wanders in and saves me from having to type “Captain of Gondor” any longer by revealing that his name is actually Faramir. He whispers something to Faramir, who wakes a sleeping Frodo, drags him outside and shows him a pretty little pond, which Gollum is swimming in cluelessly. Faramir says this is the “forbidden pool” and anyone who enters it faces penalty of death without trial. Several archers aim arrows at Gollum’s ugly little head and Faramir tells Frodo that they are awaiting his command. Gollum sings tunelessly and whacks a fish on the ground. “Wait,” Frodo whimpers. Ah. Good old predictable Frodo. “This creature is bound to me,” Frodo admits. Chrissy: Ooooo...does that mean... Diandra: NO! NO! AUGH! MY EYES! THEY’RE BLEEDING! Faramir cocks an eyebrow and Frodo explains that he’s their guide. Frodo scampers down to the pond and starts calling Gollum. Gollum looks confused. “We’re leaving?” Frodo says ‘uh-huh. Trust me. Let’s go.’ Yeah, this is so obviously a trap. Gollum puts the fish in his mouth and crawls after Frodo while Frodo keeps up a litany of “come Smegol”s and “nice Smegol”s. Okay, since when is he Frodo’s pet dog? Faramir and company leap out of the bushes and grab Gollum. “Master,” Gollum wails, putting on his best “betrayed” face just before someone shoves a hood over his head. Interrogation room. Faramir asks Gollum where he is taking the hobbits. Unfortunately, Gollum starts doing his crazy MPD act so all he finds out is that they “stole” his “precioussssss.” Meanwhile, Frodo tells Sam that he was right about the ring “taking” him. That’s really all you need to know about this scene until Faramir enters. Blah blah Elijah Wood does his own Linda Blair impression, Sam asks Faramir to help them and Faramir says he’s taking them to Gondor. So, no. Aragorn is still riding. He sees the Army of Evil marching across a big ass open field and starts riding faster. Several shots of Pretty, Pretty New Zealand accompany him back to Helm’s Deep. He enters amid murmuring and stares. Gimli pushes through the crowd, muttering “I’m gonna kill him!” I guess all that time spent trying to keep Legolas from slashing his wrists has made him a wee bit testy. Then he sees Aragorn, sputters, says “bless you, laddie,” and hugs him. Aw. Aragorn asks where Cap. Smith is and Gimli nods in a vague direction. Aragorn is walking down a hallway when Legolas runs up and throws himself in his arms, sobbing incoherently. Or Aragorn is so busy studying the floor pattern that he nearly runs right into Legolas, who is standing in the middle of the hall with a mildly amused expression on his face. “You’re late,” he snarks. “You look terrible!” Aragorn blinks at him, then tackles him to the ground and starts strangling him, hissing “you prissy little shit!” I wish. Actually, he just laughs and we cut to a shot of Eowyn, who gasps excitedly at the sight of her never-to-be-boyfriend and starts to run to him. She freezes when Legolas gives him the Blue Cross Pendant, holding his hand briefly. The Lovers Who Pretend They Are Not share a significant look and Aragorn thanks him in unsubtitled Elvish. “Hannon le.” How sad is it that I didn’t have to look that up? Then we have a really great moment of Aragorn pushing open some really big doors into Cap. Smith’s meeting hall or something, looking totally burned out but still determined and completely heroic and...wow. What is up with me? Chrissy: Did you join some Viggo Mortenson fan club and forget to tell me? Diandra: Not that I know of... He tells Cap. Smith that an army of at least 10,000 will be knocking on their door by nightfall. Ominous oboes wail. “Let them come,” Cap. Smith declares. Then he rallies up the troops and tells their captain that “no army has ever breached the Deeping Wall.” Famous last words. I guess Bernard Hill is trying to corner the market on over-confident shmucks. At this point I completely spaced out for, like, half a scene. When I came to, Aragorn was saying something about asking for help from whoever is willing to provide it. “We are not so lucky in our friends as you,” Cap. Smith bemoans. No, men have an annoying habit of making enemies out of just about everybody, including themselves. Aragorn insists that Gondor will help. Cap. Smith snaps at him and generally displays a lot of misplaced hatred toward Gondor. Anyway, back to the tree. I’m starting to get the impression that a good ten minutes could have been shaved off the runtime of this movie if this thing would just TALK FASTER. Blah blah gathering of the Ents to decide if they will “go to war” What? Who? Why? Huh? Diandra: Hold me. Chrissy: Hold yourself. Blah blah people moving to safety in the basement of the castle blah blah tearful good-byes. Can we just get to the battle already? Back with the men...plus one elf and one dwarf. Legolas is bitching that the men are “frightened” and he can “see it in their eyes.” Yeah, well, your ranting isn’t going to help the situation, Brainiac. And speaking of eyes, why are his *brown* again? The men quiet down to listen to his rantings, so he switches to Elvish and tells Aragorn that they should be because they’re vastly outnumbered by the bad guys. Aragorn tries to look at the bright side and says at least they have more hope here than they did back home. “They cannot win this fight,” Legolas sneers. “They are all going to die!” Aragorn switches to English and shouts “then I shall die as one of them!” If I were one of those guys in the background, I think this is the point when I would drop my weapons and armor and shit and say “fuck y’all, I’m out of here,” and go hide with the women and children because this is the most un-reassuring pep talk EVER. Aragorn storms off. Legolas looks distraught and moves to follow him – probably for a tearful apology followed by lots of hot make-up sex – but Gimli stops him and says “let him go, lad.” Lad? He’s, like, 3,000 years old and we’re calling him “lad”? And I’m fast-forwarding. Aragorn sits outside sulking. He sees a boy who can’t be older than twelve standing around with the men, holding a sword. He asks the kid to let him see it. “The men are saying we will not live out the night,” the kid whimpers. Aragorn sighs and mentally slaps Legolas a few times. Then he shows off by swinging the kid’s sword around a bit and says “there is always hope.” He goes to put on his armor. When he’s done, someone off- screen hands him his sword. What the hell? Some pervert was *watching* Aragorn while he dressed? What...oh...it’s just Legolas. Never mind. “We have trusted you this far you have not led us astray,” he says. I know that should be two sentences, but you’d never tell by the way he says it. It’s so run together I can barely make out individual words. He slows down and adds “I was wrong to despair.” Why is he talking circles around it? It’s only two words! I’m. Sorry. How freaking hard is that? Aragorn puts a hand on his shoulder and says there’s nothing to forgive. Before they can kiss or grope each other or anything, Gimli enters for the sole purpose of “lightening the mood” via a visual gag about his armor being at least a foot too long for him. Damn him. A horn starts blaring. Legolas announces that it is not an orc horn. They run to investigate. The guards open the gates of Helm’s Deep and a bunch of elves march in. Haldir breaks free of the group and approaches Cap. Smith. He says they were sent by Elrond and “an alliance once existed between elves and men...we come to honor that allegiance.” Aragorn hugs him in an odd display of affection and Haldir looks mildly amused. This must be a standard elf expression. And apparently, Aragorn’s brush with death has put him more in touch with his touchy-feely side... Chrissy: Which is good news for Legolas. Diandra: (blank stare) Huh? Chrissy: That’s what you were going to say, isn’t it? Diandra: Um...no...(nose grows several inches à la Pinocchio. Welcome to the Second Longest Battle Sequence in Cinema History (the longest one being...well, we’ll get to that). The good guys stand around waiting for the bad guys to show up. Don’t you hate how they’re never punctual? Silence. Crickets chirping. One guy belches and scratches himself, but he only ends up on the blooper reel. Everybody watches as the orcs or Uruk-hai or ninjas or whatever they are approach in the distance. And now for the comic relief portion of this scene. We pan across several men and elves standing on a ledge somewhere and stop on Legolas and...a helmet. Poking up from behind a ledge. It starts moving and we hear Gimli’s voice bitching about not being able to see a damn thing. It’s a total visual gag, but it still made me giggle. Orlando looks like he’s trying really hard to keep himself from laughing and is just barely succeeding. Aragorn approaches to give them some last words of encouragement. By the way, Legolas’ eyes are blue again. We know this because a crack of lightning illuminates his face and makes him look like he just wandered off the set of “Interview with the Vampire”. Mmmmm...Brad Pitt...huh? Oh, sorry. Lestat...I mean Legolas assures Aragorn that his friends are with him. “Let’s hope they last the night,” Gimli mutters. Pessimistic much? Aragorn just gives Legolas a pat on the butt and walks away. Rain starts pouring. And not just any rain, but drenching, fakey, looks-like-it’s-coming-out-of-a-firefighter’s-hose movie rain. Aragorn walks through the group of elves and men, giving last minute instructions in Elvish. Um, hello? I’m sure most of the men don’t understand Elvish. Hence why Legolas was using it to keep them from understanding him earlier. How about a little bilingual action here? He tells them to show no mercy because the enemy won’t show them any. Really? Because that’s not bleeding obvious or anything. The bad guys stop marching and start snarling and growling like caged animals. Gimli jumps up and down, trying to see over the ledge and asks Legolas what’s going on. Wow, does Orlando look ill with all that pale makeup and thin blond hair plastered to his face. “Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box,” he asks. Gimli looks at him and for a second I think he might burst into tears and run off into the castle searching for a place to sulk. Instead, he laughs. The orcs start banging their weapons on the ground and grunting. The good guys draw their bows and one guy with an itchy trigger finger lets his fly. At this point, Aragorn yells “HOLD!” The guy freezes, a tiny thought bubble appearing over head that says “oops.” Silence. Then the orc he hit keels over. The other orcs see this, get upset and charge. “So it begins,” Cap. Smith says calmly from wherever the hell he is. It looks like he’s inside since he’s not totally drenched. What the hell is he doing? The archers prepare to fire. Legolas announces that the orc’s armor is weak at the neck and beneath the arm. And why didn’t he mention this earlier? Was he too busy spouting useless crap that he couldn’t be bothered to say something that might actually be useful? Chrissy: Actually, considering his super-powerful, magnifying elf vision he can probably see it from there. Diandra: Oh...yeah, okay. And fire! About a dozen orcs are knocked down. Yeah, this is a *real* effective tactic against an army of 10,000 plus. The back-up archers let their arrows fly and about a dozen more orcs croak. The orcs start firing back and a few good guys go flying off the castle wall. Of course, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are not among them because they are invincible. I am mildly amused by the fact that the first guy that fell off was accompanied by a scream sound effect that has been in use since the beginning of the film industry. Hell, it’s probably been around since the beginning of the *radio* industry. The orcs erect some ladders, which means it’s time for some hand-to-hand combat! Clang clang clang. Aragorn and Haldir manage to look both invincible and really cool despite their resemblance to drowned rats. Legolas and Gimli are competing for “most number of enemy soldiers killed.” Gimli says he’s got two already. Legolas says, ‘oh, yeah? Well I have seventeen. Oh, and neener neener.’ Gimli sputters angrily and goes back to fighting. Legolas shoots two more orcs in quick succession and yells “nineteen!” Oh, okay. Hee. Clang clang thwap clang bodies falling. And we’re back with the tree. What? We leave a giant, potentially exciting battle scene just so we can check in with the slow-talking boring character club? Whyyyyeeeeeeee? The Comic Relief Twins sit around twiddling their thumbs while the trees chat. Finally, Treebeard turns to them and says “weeeeeee have... just...agreed...zzzzzzz.” My god, he’s putting *himself* to sleep now. “Yes,” Merry prompts. Treebeard wakes up and starts again. “Weeeeee...have agreed...you are not...orcs.” Merry searches for a hard surface to pound his head on. No, wait, that would be me again. Merry just asks if they said anything about S-Dawg. “Oooooo don’t be has...ty,” Treebeard says. Merry looks ready to tear his hair out. I feel ya, brother. He says their friends are out there and they can’t fight this war on their own. Why not? They seem to be doing fine so far. It’s not like any of them can be killed or anything. Forget what happened to Boromir, he was the weakest link anyway. Treebeard says that it takes a long time to say anything in their language (or any other language where they’re concerned for that matter) so they don’t say anything unless it’s worth saying. I beg to differ. And we’re back to our regularly scheduled fight sequence. Gimli is counting loudly. “Seventeen! Eighteen! Nineteen!” Heh. Of course, Legolas is probably on seventy-five by now, but whatever. We pan to a group of orcs, who have formed a half-ass Roman Turtle and are moving up some stairs. Aragorn directs the archers to fire at them. Cap. Smith, watching the battle from relative safety, asks “is this all you can conjure, [S-Dawg]?” Oh, shut up. You’re not even helping. Diandra: Seriously, why is he just sitting there acting so cocky instead of *fighting*? Chrissy: Because he’s the king. The king doesn’t fight unless it’s absolutely necessary since he’d risk leaving the kingdom without their leader. Diandra: Um, hello? Aragorn? Chrissy: He’s not a king yet. And you’re not supposed to know that. Diandra: Oh...sorry. The orcs pile up what looks like giant black Bumble Balls against a gate. One grabs a flaming torch and runs toward it. Aragorn sees this and yells at Legolas to shoot him. An arrow thwaps into Aragorn’s chest. “No, not me, you idiot,” he gasps. Just kidding. Chrissy: (groan) Diandra: What? Legolas shoots the orc in the shoulder and it keeps on running. “Kill him,” Aragorn screams. “Stop yelling at me,” Legolas sobs. No, not really, but wouldn’t that have been funny? Legolas shoots again and hits the orc in the other shoulder. This is the person who has proven he could hit a bullseye from a distance of about five miles. Does anybody else see a problem with this picture? The orc hurls himself into the Bumble Balls and an entire section of the wall explodes. People are hit by flying debris – including Aragorn, who is knocked unconscious. Water floods over the orcs. The Turtle reaches the gate...er...door...whatever and a couple guys break free wielding a battering ram. Cap. Smith orders his men to raise the gates. Sure. Now he does that. See, it’s this sort of overconfident lack of planning that sinks ships...er...I mean “destroys cities”. Yeah, that’s it. The good guys start throwing rocks at the orcs. I wish I were kidding. I guess they’re trying to knock them off the bridge, but still. Did they run out of arrows? Aragorn wakes up just in time to see Gimli throw himself from the wall to land on a couple of orcs. He orders the archers to fire again and then they charge. My lord, he looks fierce. Mommy? Clang clang clang. And now for one of the weirdest moments in this movie. Legolas surfs down the stairs on a shield, firing arrows the whole way down, then kicks the shield so it stabs an orc in the chest. So, what? Elves invented skateboarding? Also, *now* he goes back to being a showoff. Why the hell couldn’t he have done this earlier when fjgagjaie;apo#*%@(&^%*!!!! [Deep breath] Ohhmmmmmmm... Suspensions of Disbelief? Got it. Next! Back to another character that annoys the shit out of me. Treebeard says the Ents can’t do dick so they’re just gonna sit around with their thumbs in their asses and wait for the war to blow over. Or something like that. Merry asks how they can possibly have come to that decision. “Thissssss is not...*our* warrrrrrrr,” Treebeard answers. Well, that never stopped the U.S. from shoving its nose into everything now, did it? Merry yelps that they are “a part of this world” and they “must” help. The Ents all stare at each other. Wow, some of those suckers are *ugly*. “Youuuuuu are young and brave,” Treebeard says. Try young and stupid. “But...your part in this tale...is over.” Oh, I only wish that were true. Chrissy: What do you mean? He’s kinda cute. Diandra: (long pause) (blink) Chrissy: What? You don’t think so? Diandra: Hobbit lover. Later, Pippin finds a sulking Merry and says maybe Treebeard is right. “We don’t belong here...it’s too big for us.” [Diandra dissolves in a fit of giggling] Chrissy: Does everything sound dirty to you? Diandra: Yeah, pretty much. He suggests going home. Yeah, why not. I mean, other than the whole comic relief thing I have no idea why they’re even here. Merry starts babbling about how the war will destroy eveything and there won’t even *be* a home to go back to. Again with the pessimism. Sheesh. These people are so depressing I’m starting to wonder if I should have taken Prozac before I started watching these movies. Merry leaves and Pippin just stands there looking...stunned? Sad? Stupid? Whatever. Back to the fighting. Legolas gives up on the bow and arrow and whips out (no, not *that*) a couple of knives that make an unnaturally loud racket. Cap. Smith, who is still sitting up on his safe little perch, calls “fall back to the keep!” Aragorn relays the order. Legolas and some extra drag away a kicking and bitching Gimli. Haldir relays the order again and is stabbed. Everything goes into slow motion while he staggers and mournful oboes wail. Aragorn arrives just in time for Haldir to die in his arms. This apparently upsets Aragorn, who grabs the nearest ladder and lunges from the wall, landing on several orcs. Clang clang boom crash clang. Cap. Smith finally joins the battle and is immediately wounded. Oy. This is just...pathetic. On the plus side, he managed to kill the orc that wounded him. So I suppose the body count is something like this: Gimli = 56, Legolas = 89, Aragorn = 2,863, Cap. Smith = one. An extra announces that they “can’t hold much longer.” Aragorn arrives with Gimli and offers to buy them some time. Then they go out some side door and creep up on the orcs from behind. Hang on a second...there’s a side door? Good thing the bad guys are apparently unaware of this, huh? Aragorn hesitates and tells Gimli “it’s a *long* way.” Gimli looks at the gap between them and the orcs and mumbles “toss me.” “What,” Aragorn asks, amused. Hee. He reaches to toss Gimli and the dwarf adds “don’t tell the elf!” Snort. Aragorn promises not to tell his lover and chucks Gimli over the gap onto the orcs, leaping close behind him. Clang clang clang. Bodies falling. Blood spurting. The orcs starts throwing up ropes onto the wall. Legolas shoots an arrow at one, snapping it. I would like to point out again that this is the same person who couldn’t hit a large, lumbering orc from a distance of about fifty feet earlier. Sigh. Cap. Smith pokes his head out of the barricade he and his men are setting up and tells Aragorn to “get out of there”. Then he quickly nails the last board in. See, the difference between Cap. Smith and Aragorn is that, while they’re both pushy and barking orders at anyone who’ll listen, Aragorn will actually jump in and get his hands dirty, so to speak. Legolas appears overhead and throws a rope to his lover. Aragorn grabs it with his left hand and Gimli with his right and Legolas hauls them up. Well, not *just* Legolas. I assume he has some other guys helping him unless I missed the part where we were told that elves are also freakishly strong. Another continuity error: Aragorn’s hands switch places about halfway up the wall (rope in his right hand, Gimli in his left). Then they return to their original positions by the time he reaches the top. Cap. Smith orders everyone to fall back. Again. Back with Slow Talkers Annonymous. Treebeard says he’ll leave the Comic Relief Twins at the edge of the forest and they can find their own damn way home. Suddenly Pippin has a flash of intelligence and tells him to turn around and head South. Treebeard says ‘but...but, that goes past Isengaaaaaaaaaaard.’ Pippin says yeah, no shit. They can “slip past” S-Dawg unnoticed. “The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It’s the last thing he’ll expect.” Treebeard says that doesn’t seem to make sense (even though it’s possibly the only thing Pippin has said so far that *does*) “but, then...you are very smallllll...perhaps you’re right.” Yeah, that’s some brilliant logic right there. Except for the part where it makes NO sense whatsoever. He turns and starts babbling some nonsense I’m not even going to try to understand. Merry asks if Pippin has lost his mind, but as Chrissy says, it’s hard to lose something you never had to begin with. Back with Frodo and Sam and the easily corruptible MEN. And because I am bored out of my skull over here, I’m going to hand the reigns over to Chrissy here for the remainder of this recap. Have fun! Frodo tells Faramir that the ring will not save Gondor because “it only has the power to destroy.” He begs Faramir to let them go. My, Faramir sure is pretty. Diandra: You’re just completely indiscriminate, aren’t you? Chrissy: I try to keep an open mind. Diandra: (muttering) Among other things... Chrissy: Bite me you little snot. The soldiers hustle Frodo along as he continues to plead with Faramir. Back to the Tree. I’m sorry, I really can’t understand a word this guy says. His eyes go wide and the music grinds to a halt as he reaches a clearing made by a bunch of hacked-up trees. I suppose they were his relatives or something. I still can’t understand him, but I can tell he’s pissed off. He screams loud enough to cause the Comic Relief Twins permanent hearing loss. Mumble mumble something something... Diandra: He’s saying there are no words in any language he knows for this sort of “treachery”. Chrissy: Okay, you’re doing his lines. [Diandra reaches over Chrissy] “Myyyyyyy business is with Iiiiiiiiisengaaaaaaaaard to-nightttttttttt.” Trees start parading out of the forest. “Yes,” Merry hisses happily. “The Ennnnnnnts are gooooooooing to waaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr,” Treebeard announces. Blah blah something. I don’t care because for all intents and purposes this scene is over. [Diandra sits back in her seat] Frodo, Sam, Gollum and Gollum’s alternate ego are marched into Gondor. Fighting. Splashing. Arrows flying. Running. Chrissy: Hey, this does make it go faster! Diandra: See? Some guy tells Faramir that they will be “overrun” by nightfall, whatever that means. Frodo tells Sam that the ring is “calling to them” whoever “they” are. Sam ties to reassure him but then the sound goes mute in Frodo’s point of view shot. Faramir tells some extra to take the hobbits to his father and tell him it’s a “gift”. Does his father eat hobbits for breakfast or is this some sort of sick S&M sex thing? Diandra: He meant the ring. Chrissy: I know that, I’m just trying to be funny, damnit. He thinks it will help them win the war. Sam tells him this is exactly what happened to Boromir – except for the part where it’s a totally different situation. They are interrupted when a cannonball crashes into one of the towers. Elijah does his creepy eye-rolling, Linda Blair thing again and says “they’re here.” Gee, I hadn’t noticed. They were doing so well with that whole “sneak attack” thing. Frantic scrambling ensues as the Minions of Doom arrive on their flying dinosaurs. Faramir shoves Frodo into a corner and orders him to stay put. Yeah, like that’ll do anything. Back at Helm’s Deep, the orcs are still trying to batter down the main gate and the good guys are scrambling to barricade it from the inside. Cap. Smith sulks that the fortress is “taken” and it’s “over”. Quitter. Aragorn pauses in the scrambling and barricading to ask if there’s another exit for the women and children in the caves. An extra says yes, there is, but they wouldn’t get far because there’s way too many bad guys. Aragorn thinks they should send them out anyway and barricade the entrance. “Ride out with me...meet them,” he tells Cap. Smith. For death. For glory. For Troy...oops, wrong movie. Gimli points out – for no particular reason – that the sun is rising. This reminds Aragorn of Gandalf’s “first light on the fifth day” speech. Cap. Smith finally agrees and the soldiers dismantle the barricade. Cap. Smith and Aragorn draw their swords dramatically. Gimli runs up to the roof and blows a gigantic horn. Diandra: (loud snort) That sounded horrible. Chrissy: Oh, shut up. Suddenly everybody inside the castle is on horses and I have no idea how that happened or where those horses came from. Were they keeping them *inside* the castle for some reason? The good guys charge at the orcs, knocking them down. They cross the bridge, smacking orcs off it so easily that the whole scene ends up looking fake and weird. Aragorn pauses long enough to notice Gandalf ride up on a nearby hill, surrounded by a halo of light. What, is he Jesus now? Is that the significance of him “dying” and being brought back to life? Is that why he told Aragorn to “look to my coming”? Why does my head hurt? Diandra: Welcome to my world. An army of guys appears behind Gandalf and they charge. The orcs quickly regroup and point their long spears in Gandalf and Co.’s direction. Diandra: (giggle) “Long spears”. Chrissy: How old are you? Ten? Then Gandalf is lit by a shaft of bright light, which blinds the orcs. Diandra: Hehehe...”shaft”. [Chrissy groans and buries her head in her hands] They fight, but Peter Jackson seems to have decided that he needs wobbly steady-cam shots here to convey the gritty realism of this scene. This renders it practically impossible to tell what the hell is going on. And we’re back with the trees. They storm up to S-Dawg’s tower and start killing the orcs that aren’t over at Helm’s Deep. S- Dawg watches, horrified, from the relative safety of his tower. The orcs start shooting fireballs. S-Dawg hyperventilates. The trees manage to weaken a dam and water comes crashing through it. Chrissy: Why are you laughing now? Diandra: Because (snort) that tree just dunked his flaming head in the water. Chrissy: (blink) And that’s funny? Diandra: Yeah. It’s just a funny image. Chrissy: (sigh) Okay. Water. Water everywhere... Diandra: WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST! Chrissy: Have you been drinking? Diandra: No, why? I would like to take this moment to apologize for Diandra’s past, present and future behavior. Diandra: Hey! Back with Frodo and his creepy eye-rolling. He walks, trance- like into the middle of all the fighting and stands on a bridge, holding up the ring while a Pterodactyl flaps its wings menacingly right in front of him. Sam tackles him in slow motion and Faramir shoots the Pterodactyl. Frodo and Sam roll a safe distance away and Frodo whips out his sword and waves it at Sam. No, the other one. Oh, look, there goes Diandra, running into the bathroom again. Heh. “It’s me,” Sam whimpers. “It’s your Sam!” *Your* Sam? If that’s not a slash reference, I don’t know what is! Frodo backs off and drops the sword in slow motion. “I can’t do this,” he moans. Well, it’s a little late to be having second thoughts, don’t you think? Gollum sneaks up and watches as Sam delivers the following monologue. “It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo...full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end.” Actually, I’m sure the end can’t come fast enough for Diandra. “How could the world go back to the way it was?” We see the remaining orcs retreating from Helm’s Deep while he continues in voice over. “But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come.” He’s not going to start singing, is he? Blah blah Eowyn hugging Aragorn blah blah trees. “And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why...Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding’ on to somethin’.” Frodo asks what the hell they have to hold onto. Why, each other, of course! Wink wink. [Chrissy ducks as a hairbrush comes sailing out of the bathroom toward her head]. “That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo,” Sam replies. “And it’s worth fightin’ for.” Faramir approaches, kneels next to Frodo and says he thinks they “understand one another” now. What? Another soldier tells Faramir that his life will be “forfeit” if he releases them. Faramir says okay, release them then. And now for the set up to the third movie. Gandalf says S-Dawg will take his revenge and it will be “swift” and “terrible”. “The battle for Helm’s Deep is over,” he declares. “The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin. All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits.” We see these two “little hobbits” traveling through the woods once more, yammering about whether people will ever tell stories or sing songs about their heroic adventure to save Middle Earth. They flirt some more and stare at each other lustfully. Diandra: (shrieking from the bathroom) STOP! Chrissy: Hehe. Some distance away, Gollum is doing his crazy multiple personality thing. “Master betrayed us...kill them both, and then we take the preciousssss...kill them! Yes! No! No!” I really wish he would make up his mind. “We...could let...HER do it,” he says evilly. What? Who? Diandra: (staggering back in the room) Apparently it makes sense if you’ve read the books. Um...okay. So he decides he’ll let “her” do it, whatever that means, and take the precioussssss once they’re dead. As if. He jumps out in the open and calls to Frodo and Sam. They have a long way to go yet. Follow him. We get a sweeping view of the pretty forest and stop on the fiery landscape of Mordor, complete with ominous lightning bolts. And we go to credits. Diandra: Finally! I thought it would never be over! Chrissy: Well, you’ve still got one whole movie to go... Diandra: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!