“Thor 2: The Dark World”

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Tom  Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, 
Natalie Portman, Idris Elba, Christopher Eccleston, Renee 
Russo, Stellan Skarsgard


 
My name is Christine Anscher. I am being held against my will 
and forced to perform jokes for a crazy woman. I think she 
might be drinking again. Please send help!
   Diandra: Very funny. Can I have my keyboard back?
   Chrissy: ACK! She's discovered my secret line to the 
    outside world! You may never hear from me again! Tell 
    my parents I love them!
   Diandra: How about your boyfriend? Should they tell him 
    too?
   Chrissy: Nah.

This is Diandra. If you read the Avengers recap you know why 
Chrissy is a bit concerned going into this one. I am working on 
understanding this canon, but I may need to lean on her even 
more heavily for this because for me watching a “Thor” movie is 
like watching an unsubtitled foreign film in a language I only 
sort of understand. 
   Chrissy: Or like watching Shakespeare.
   Diandra: No, I have no problem understanding 
    Shakespeare. I don't think it's the vocabulary I have a 
    problem with.
   Chrissy: Oh, so you mean you're distracted by something 
    else in the movie with three guys you salivate over? 
    Wonder what that could be.
   Diandra: Ha ha. Remember when we did the Troy recap and 
    you took over every time I became distracted?
   Chrissy: I am not taking over for you if you get 
    distracted by Chris Hemsworth's pecs.
   Diandra: Damnit.

"Long before the birth of light, there was darkness," Sir 
Anthony Hopkins' voice announces over a black screen like the 
voice of...er...a god. Which Odin is, so... Just as I'm 
thinking 'man, Anthony Hopkins can make anything sound 
Shakespearean' he adds "and from that darkness came the Dark 
Elves." Well, it was nice while it lasted. The light starts 
coming up to reveal a barely recognizable Christopher Eccleston 
as Odin exposits that the most ruthless of the Dark Elves was 
called Malekith, which means "Doctor" in Elvish.
   Chrissy: Less than one minute before the first “Doctor 
   Who” reference. That has to be a record.
Anyway. Millenia ago, he decided to try to send the universe 
back into darkness because...er...he is evil? Or, you know, an 
ultra conservative who is afraid of change.
   Chrissy: Okay, I thought we weren't doing that.
   Diandra: Sorry.

Odin says such a thing was actually possible assuming he used 
the power of the "Aether", which is an ancient force of 
infinite destruction. It looks like a blob of liquid floating 
in space and that's probably exactly what it is. 

Malekith meets another elf on the edge of a cliff somewhere and 
we see that while these elves have pointy ears and speak 
something that may well be close to the language JRR Tolkein 
invented, there is at least one way in which they differ from 
the species portrayed in the world of "Lord of the Rings": some 
of them are a race other than white.
   Chrissy: Oh, Tolkein had those too. They were called 
    Orcs.
   Diandra: Yeah, the evil cousin of elves. Go figure.
The black elf notes that the Asgardian forces are descending on 
them. A bolt of energy blasts into their army below and Odin 
explains that the Asgardian army at the time was led by his 
father, King Bor, and they waged war on the elves. There's a 
lot of fighting going on in the background, but it's kind of 
hard to tell who is winning. But at least they all have 
ridiculous headgear. Malekith gives an order that isn't 
translated. One of the elves down on the ground clutches what 
looks like a lump of coal that turns him into some sort of lava 
creature and charges into battle, punching the guys with 
swords.

Malekith looks up at what looks like three moons that are very 
close and glowing different colors. Odin exposits that they are 
the "nine worlds" above him (because I guess the rest are 
hidden) and as they lined up above, Malekith was able to 
unleash the power of the Aether. He turns to the possibly 
living liquid thing suspended between what looks like two giant 
magnets and holds his hand out to it. Before he can actually 
make contact, another bolt of energy knocks him back and three 
Vikings... sorry, Asgardians...charge him screaming. He 
dispatches them pretty easily, but by the time he gets back to 
where the Aether was the bolt of energy disappears, taking it 
along. Odin notes that once the Asgardians took the weapon from 
him the Dark Elves really didn't have a chance. So Malekith 
"sacrificed his own people in a desperate attempt to lay waste 
to Asgard's army". Which apparently is how we describe Malekith 
and the black elf ducking into a space ship and disappearing. 
"Malekith was vanquished and the Aether was no more. Or so we 
were led to believe."

A guy who is presumably King Bor orders his men to bury the 
Aether weapon somewhere no one will ever look because its power 
is too great to just destroy it. Unless, you know, someone in 
some future time finds a guy who is pure of heart to throw it 
in the fires of Mount Doom.
   Chrissy: I like to think this is the bedtime story Odin 
    once told Thor and Loki when they were kids. 
   Diandra: "...and one day it will destroy us all. Night 
    kids!"

Title card, accompanied by very brassy music.

Loki, still in chains because this is taking place right after 
the end of "Avengers" despite what order the movies were 
released in, is marched in front of Odin. He looks at Rene 
Russo, standing beside the throne wringing her hands, and asks 
if he made mummy proud. She begs him not to make this all 
worse. He doesn't really see how it could be WORSE.
   Chrissy: Underestimating the morbid cruelty of 
    Asgardians again? 
   Diandra: By the way, wasn't this picture of Loki the 
    wallpaper on your phone for a while after the one of 
    him with that creepy metal gag?
   Chrissy: Probably. By the way, have you seen my current 
    wallpaper?
   Diandra: Um...
   Chrissy: [waves phone that has a picture of a mostly 
    naked Tom Hiddleston with a paper that says "WELCOME" 
    providing a modesty cover]
   Diandra: ........................
   Chrissy: I haven't seen the movie yet, but it's called 
    "High Rise".
   Diandra: [chokes back a giggle] Yeah, I bet. 
   Chrissy: You know, I can see what you're typing and I 
    find it very telling that you noticed the "Welcome" 
    thing right away.
   Diandra: Shut up.
Odin barks that he will speak to the "prisoner" alone, thank 
you.

Mum...
   Chrissy: Frigga.
...Frigga scampers away and Loki chuckles and says he really 
doesn't see what the big deal is here. So he tried to become 
king of an insignificant planet full of several billion human 
creatures. Who hasn't considered that before? Odin asks if he 
really doesn't get it. No matter where he goes he seems to 
leave death and destruction behind. Speaking of 
which...apparently when you figure the conversion of Earth 
years to Asgard years based on the opening of this movie and 
the first "Thor", Loki is basically a teenager. So...no, he 
probably doesn't understand because he's going through a 
rebellious phase. Loki argues that he intended to rule Earth as 
a benevolent god just like Odin. Yeah, I tried arguments like 
that on my dad too. Trust me, it never works. Odin reminds him 
that they're not really GODS. "We are born, we live, we die. 
Just as humans do." Except, you know, for the part where some 
of you can be born via magic bullshit like being licked out of 
a block of ice by a primordial cow. Loki just smirks and adds 
"give or take about 5,000 years". 

Odin sighs and grumbles that this is all because Loki wants to 
claim a throne. Loki snaps that it's his BIRTHRIGHT. As the 
second born? Yeah, not really. Odin yells that Loki would be 
DEAD if he'd left him to claim his real birthright "cast out 
onto a frozen rock". "If I had not taken you in, you would not 
be here now to hate me." Loki says whatever...just stop 
lecturing and kill me already. This is boring. Odin says Frigga 
is keeping me from killing you you ungrateful little shit. Not 
that you'll be able to thank her because we're going to throw 
you into a dark dungeon for the rest of your life where you 
will never see her again.

The guards go to drag him away as he asks if Odin plans to make 
"that witless oaf" Thor king while he's rotting down there. 
Odin is like um...yeah. Once he's done fixing the mess you 
made. Yep.

On Vanaheim, we join a battle already in progress. A bad ass 
chick that I think was in the first movie but I don't remember 
her name rides up to a guy with a ridiculous horned helmet and 
dispatches him before something that looks like an explosion 
nearly knocks her sideways and Thor makes his entrance, hammer 
first.
   Chrissy: Okay, stop for a second. You don't remember 
    Sif?
   Diandra: The Norse Mythology version or the Marvel one?
   Chrissy: So you know who she is in the mythology, but 
    not these movies?
   Diandra: I mean, I've seen the name before, but...
   Chrissy: So neither basically. I think she's supposed to 
    be his wife in mythology, but in the Marvel verse she's 
    been his best friend since childhood. And a possible 
    third point in a triangle that includes Jane. 
   Diandra: Oh, awesome. A romance triangle. Because there 
    can never be enough of THOSE.

Thor leaps over a couple guys and slams his hammer on the 
battlefield, creating a shockwave that bowls over everyone 
within immediate radius. Sif is like 'yeah, hi, I totally have 
this under control so you can go back where you came from and 
take your sexist assumptions with you.' Thor just grins and 
asks why everything is on fire then. Some guy tackles him and 
we go back to the war already in progress. Thor "helps" by 
knocking out a guy threatening Sif and, after a couple beats to 
establish other characters I should probably learn the names 
of, she blocks an arrow from hitting him with her shield. 
"You're welcome," she says pointedly.

All fighting stops as there's a loud roar in the distance and 
the thudding footsteps of a very large animal headed their way. 
   Diandra: Wait...Devil Dinosaur?
   Chrissy: Okay, maybe using the game to introduce you to 
    characters was a bad idea.
It turns out to be a troll. Assuming I can use the same 
vocabulary and species names I did with "Lord of the Rings". 
   Chrissy: Yeah, I'm pretty sure the Marvel version of 
    Thor is 50% Tolkein, 40% Norse mythology and 10% 
    magical bullshit.
   Diandra: I think you may need to re-run those numbers 
    because that last one should be higher. 

The troll casually swats a soldier aside with a massive club as 
he stomps toward them. Sif nonchalantly tells Thor she'll let 
him have this one. Thor gives her a dirty look and walks right 
up to the giant monster creature because hey, if he can do it 
when they're green... He nods and says "hello." The troll roars 
right in his face. "I accept your surrender," Thor smart asses. 
The surrounding soldiers all laugh right up until Thor sends 
his hammer into the troll's face and the troll just explodes 
into bits of rock. "Anyone else," he asks cockily. The enemies 
all drop their weapons and bow in surrender. The Caucasian ally 
that doesn't look like Gimli suggests they should start with 
"the big one" next time.
   Chrissy: That's Fandral.
   Diandra: Oh. So he was in the first movie then?
   Chrissy: The character? Yes. This actor? No.
   Diandra: Oh thank god. I thought I was secretly a racist 
    for not noticing Don Cheadle's character in the last 
    two "Iron Man" movies was played by Terrence Howard in 
    the first. I thought they were two different 
    characters. 
   Chrissy: So you didn't notice that Thanos changed actors 
    too?
   Diandra: No, but that came up when I was researching 
    shit for the last recap, so I know that now. So who 
    played Fandral in the first movie?
   Chrissy: Josh Dallas. AKA, if you watch “Once Upon a 
    Time”, Prince Charming.
   Diandra: ..............seriously?
   Chrissy: Remind me why you haven't just watched the 
    first Thor again? Because clearly you remember 
    absolutely nothing from it.

So sometime later, they're clearing the battlefield and 
escorting the captives to...wherever. A Japanese guy sidles 
over to Thor to ask where they should go next. Thor identifies 
him as "Hogun" and declares peace nearly won across all nine 
realms.
   Chrissy: Well, except Midgard, probably.
Thor says he should just stay here. "Asgard can wait." Hogun 
thanks him, shakes his hand and wanders off. Thor looks at the 
sky and says "Heimdall, when you're ready." This is apparently 
the Asgardian equivalent of "beam me up, Scotty" because a 
blast of energy shoots from the sky and surrounds him, 
shuttling him off to Rivendell - er...Asgard - via a magic 
Technicolor bridge.
   Chrissy: If anyone is reading this, rest assured I am 
   deeply regretting my decision to let Diandra recap this 
   movie and I apologize.

A crow flies past some soldier's practice sparring near a 
waterfall and lands on Odin's arm for a moment. As there was no 
reason for any of this other than to use some neat special 
effects and maybe give a nod to the importance of crows in 
Norse legends, the crow then immediately flies away and Thor 
comes up to speak to Odin. So we're just going to skip the 
reintroduction of Heimdall for now then. Okay, cool. (Ron 
Howard voiceover: it was not, in fact, cool). Odin asks if 
Vanaheim is secure. Thor confirms and names two other realms 
that are taken care of as well, but notes that it might have 
gone faster if Odin had taken an active role in any of it. Odin 
notes that Thor is clearly trying to butter him up. Thor says 
he didn't mean it like that, but...whatever. Odin says this is 
the first time since the Bifrost Bridge was destroyed that the 
nine realms are at peace. "They are reminded of our strength 
and you have earned their respect and my gratitude." Thor 
demurs. Odin notes that he still has a "confused and distracted 
heart" though. Thor says this isn't about Jane Foster in 
another random bit of exposition the writers just decided to 
throw in there for anyone who needs catching up. Odin plays the 
mortal/immortal card. Human lives are fleeting and he'd be 
better off with Sif over there. Sif is, in fact, in the middle 
of the battle practice despite having JUST come back from 
actual battle. Odin says he's not talking as the Allfather, but 
as his actual father. It's almost time for him to take the 
throne and he should embrace his lineage/species/whatever.

And then we cut to...

Oh, for fuck's sake. This is Chris. The movie just cut to a 
shot of Chris Hemsworth running a wet sponge over his bare 
chest and Diandra made a noise that was somewhere between a 
groan and a choked off squeak and just left the room.
   Diandra: [shouting from the bathroom] I'll be fine! Keep 
    going! [splashes water]
   Chrissy: We JUST talked about this. I am not taking over 
    this review every time you get the vapors.
   Diandra: [sticks head in, face dripping with cold water] 
    Does anybody actually say that anymore?
   Chrissy: Just get back in here.

This is Diandra again. Sorry about that. In the interest of 
sparing her dignity, I won't say which of us just debased 
themselves by licking the screen.
   Chrissy: It was you.
   Diandra: Shut up.
Thor wanders over to look at the sky with however many of the 
other realms in it, but I honestly can't be bothered to look at 
anything else right now so...sorry, special effects department.

And then we have a little brief scene of him drinking with his 
buddies at whatever this universe's version of "The Prancing 
Pony" is to sad music. He wanders away from the table and finds 
Sif in another part of the bar. She notes that he used to be in 
a celebratory mood for weeks after a victory. He notes that she 
once celebrated a battle so exuberantly that she nearly started 
another. She says yeah, well...it was fun. She offers to get a 
drink with him because surely Odin isn't expecting him to do 
anything important tonight. He says no, but he has something he 
needs to do anyway. She says it's obvious he's been 
disappearing every night and suggests that the future king of 
Asgard should be able to focus on more than just ONE of the 
nine realms. He thanks her for her "council" in a proper brush 
off and saunters away.

London. Jane is on some sort of lunch date, but she's hiding 
behind her menu. He pushes a napkin under it that he has 
written "hi" on and she puts the menu down, embarrassed. He 
asks what the "story" is with her. She babbles uncomfortably 
about there being NO story hahahaha why would he think there's 
a story? He says oh, no reason. It's just that she's spent the 
last ten minutes hiding behind a menu that only has three 
choices on it and NOBODY is THAT indecisive. 
   Chrissy: Clearly you've never met my mother.
He's starting to think something is going on and he's pretty 
sure it involves another man. She sighs and says it's 
"complicated". He asks if this guy is still around. She's like 
'no, um...he's...away...like...on another planet...' Doomed 
date rambles about how he understands because this girl he was 
seeing took a job in New York and long-distance just KILLS 
relationships. Of course, there was also the fact that she kept 
sleeping with other guys.

A cute little pixie in a coat and hat walks up and Date tries 
to order some wine. Except that this is obviously not a 
waitress, so... The camera turns to reveal Jane's friend Darcy, 
who quips that she'd LOVE some wine, actually.
   Chrissy: Yeah, so would I?
   Diandra: [starts to get up]
   Chrissy: NO! Sit back down!
Darcy pulls up a chair and starts buttering a piece of bread 
from the basket, yammering about how she went to the lab fully 
expecting to find Jane moping around in her pyjamas, eating ice 
cream and obsessing about a certain blond god who shall not be 
named. Date is uncomfortable. Jane begs Darcy to get to the 
point already. "You know that scientific equipment you don't 
look at anymore," Darcy asks. She waves a beeping device at 
Jane, who announces that it's malfunctioning and attempts to 
fix it via the time tested method of whapping it with her hand 
and banging it on the table. Darcy is like 'yeah, I already 
tried THAT. I was hoping you had a better strategy.' 

Jane smiles at her date and says it's probably just nothing. 
She hands the device back. Darcy says yeah, but it kind of 
looks like those readings Erik (Selvig) was rambling about, 
so... Jane shoos her away and refocuses on the menu as her date 
announces that he's going to try the sea bass. Jane is like 
'yeah, that's great' and starts repeating "sea bass" over and 
over like a stuck record until her date suggests she give up 
and go after her friend there. Jane is like 'this has been 
great! Let's do it again sometime!' and runs out to find Darcy 
still waiting in the car.

They are a ways down the road before some guy sits up in the 
back to announce that they need to take the next left. Jane, 
who has probably seen this horror movie, nearly has a heart 
attack. Darcy is like 'no, it's fine. It's just my intern.' 
Dopey intern greets her as Doctor Foster and says it's an honor 
to work with her. She's like 'yeeeeeaaaaaaahhh. I'm just going 
to make a call here. Don't take it personally.' She leaves a 
message for Erik, asking where the hell he is because she came 
all the way to England after he said he was onto something at 
which point he seems to have disappeared. I'm...confused about 
the timeline here. Is this that wild goose chase they sent her 
on in "The Avengers" to explain her absence from that movie?

And we cut to Stonehenge, where a reporter is shooting news 
footage about the "interesting" events that have been happening 
here today. The stone circle in the background is either a 
replica, another stone circle in another part of the country or 
very carefully filmed so you don't notice the fences keeping 
tourists from just wandering up to Stonehenge. I mean...when 
were they filming this? Because I'm pretty sure as of 2014 the 
closest a non-celebrity can get on foot is about two miles. The 
reporter cuts to footage of Stellan Skarsgard running around 
the stones naked, waving some sort of scientific equipment, the 
area around his crotch blurred out. The reporter says he 
"terrorized" tourists for a while, running around like a crazy 
person shouting that he was trying to save them. They now know 
that he is not just some crazy homeless person, but is, in 
fact, a famous astrophysicist. But depending on the timeline, 
Loki might have broken him.

Jane et al seem to have arrived at a shipping yard. Darcy is 
rambling that this is EXCITING and even "the intern" is 
excited. Intern reminds her that his name is Ian, actually, but 
she doesn't care. She asks if Jane wants the "phase meter". She 
says no. Darcy tells Ian to bring it anyway, describing it as 
the "toaster looking thing". He grumbles that he KNOWS what a 
phase meter is and probably wishes he hadn't taken this job.

Jane wanders away from them and her phone rings, her ringtone 
an obnoxious hip-hop song. 
   Chrissy: You're going to have to be more specific.
She asks out loud how the hell she changes the ringtone on this 
stupid thing before answering. It's Darcy, from a few yards 
away, reminding her that as an astrophysicist, she should be 
able to do something as simple as change her ringtone. Really? 
Was that worth the airtime? Jane asks as much. Why is she 
calling instead of just talking to her? Darcy says she didn't 
want to shout and Jane is going the wrong way.

Inside the creepy warehouse, a shadow in the distance moves as 
a person runs away. Darcy puts her hands up and shouts that 
it's okay "we're Americans!" Jane is like dude...we want them 
to LIKE us. A few kids come around the corner and she breathes 
a sigh of relief. The girl asks if they're the police. Jane 
says no, she's a scientist. One of the boys protests that they 
just found "it" like 'we didn't do anything!'. Jane asks the 
kids to show them. 

In another part of the warehouse, one of the boys walks up to a 
parked semi truck and slips his hand under part of the fender. 
The whole truck lifts off the ground and starts doing a slow 
barrel roll. "That doesn't seem right," says Darcy while Jane 
just stares, slackjawed.

This not being the only weird part, the kids then take the team 
up a set of stairs and toss a half-empty bottle down toward the 
ground. It disappears before it hits. Jane asks where it went. 
The girl points up to the sky and the bottle appears, hurtling 
back toward the place it just disappeared from and disappearing 
again. It does this a couple more times before the boy who 
dropped it catches it again, stopping the time loop. Jane 
decides to try this out herself and tosses a discarded soda can 
into the void. It doesn't come back. The little girl says 
yeah...sometimes they don't come back, so...good thing you 
didn't throw anything important. Jane grabs the doohicky 
(technical term) Darcy was waving at the restaurant and marvels 
that she hasn't seen these sort of readings since... "New 
Mexico," Darcy interjects. Jane gets excited and runs off, 
telling them not to touch anything.

From the roof, Jane watches the kids (big and little) 
repeatedly throw objects into the void to see if they get stuck 
in the loop. Somewhere, there is a planet that is watching 
things just fall from the sky and the people there have built 
their society around worshipping the things they can pluck out 
before they disappear into the ground. 
   Chrissy: Especially Zunes.
   Diandra: Oh, good, you saw that Simpsons episode too.
It stops being fun when Intern Ian tosses the car keys in and 
they don't come back. 

Jane wanders around a bit, following the signal as it gets 
stronger, until she ends up in a dark hallway. 
   Chrissy: Yeah, I've seen this horror movie. This can't 
   end well.
The beeping gets more insistent until she is sucked down the 
hallway and through the portal. She gapes at the dark cliff she 
is suddenly standing right on the edge of. Then she starts 
tentatively exploring the rocks nearby, one of which is clearly 
the Aether except the glowing red is only faintly visible 
between what now looks like two columns of rock. She squints at 
the liquid thing swirling around, getting far too close to it 
until it seems to lunge at her. I'm not totally sure what 
happens here as it's very dark, but she staggers away, yelping 
like she's been stung and looking at her hand before fainting.

Somewhere in space, the lights of a ship come on and Malekith 
comes out of some sort of suspended animation. He looks down 
into the lower decks of the ship where his crew is similarly 
coming out of hibernation and announces that the Aether has 
awakened them and "the Convergence returns."

Crossroads of the Rainbow Bridge. Without looking behind him, 
Heimdall announces "you're late". Thor grumbles that 
"merriment" is sometimes a "heavier burden than battle." 
Heimdall notes that he's obviously doing one of those things 
wrong then. 
   Chrissy: And this is why we love Heimdall.
   Diandra: Well...it's one of the reasons.
Thor makes small talk about the stars Heimdall can see from his 
post. Heimdall says he can see all nine realms and "ten 
trillion souls". He stabs his sword into the platform he's 
standing on and the gears of the wall start moving as he asks 
if Thor remembers what he told him about The Convergence. Thor 
says right, that aligning of the worlds is coming up, isn't it? 
Heimdall says yes and for the first time since he began this 
post. "Few can sense it. Even fewer can feel it. But while its 
effects can be dangerous, it is truly beautiful." We close in 
on his eye, which is reflecting the stars. Thor says he doesn't 
see anything. Heimdall suggests it's not this particular beauty 
he's looking for. Thor is like 'hahaha...yeah...how is she, by 
the way? I mean...not that I'm worried or anything...just 
curious...’ Heimdall says she's very smart. She's studying the 
Convergence too, she just doesn't know it yet. Then he stops 
midsentence and looks puzzled. "I can't see her."

In what might well be a dream sequence, Jane floats through 
space, the red Aether twisting and wrapping all around her. 
Then she opens her eyes to see the ceiling of the abandoned 
building. Something crashes to the floor nearby. 

She runs out to find several police cars and a very worried 
Darcy demanding to know where she was. Jane chastises her for 
calling the police because they're probably going to call the 
feds and they'll have SHIELD breathing down their necks any 
minute now "Area 51-ing the place". They had a gravitational 
anomaly! With exclusive access! Darcy interrupts to say yeah, 
but she was gone for FIVE HOURS. Jane looks confused. Then they 
both realize that the freak rainstorm that started a few 
seconds ago seems to be only affecting everyone outside of a 
small circle around them. Jane looks over to find Thor standing 
nearby. She shoves her doohicky in Darcy's arms and wanders 
toward him, taking the circle of rain shield with her. Darcy 
grumbles as she is instantly drenched.

Thor greets Jane eagerly and she slaps him across the face. 
"Sorry. I just needed to make sure you were real," she says. 
"It's been a very strange day." He starts to say something and 
she slaps him again on the other cheek and shrieks "where were 
you?!" He shrugs this off and asks where SHE was because 
Heimdall couldn't see her. She says she was RIGHT HERE WHERE 
YOU LEFT ME YOU JERK. Yeah, you're not having the same 
conversation here. Might want to try changing frequencies. He 
says yeah, he's sorry about that, but the Bifrost was destroyed 
and the nine realms all turned to chaos and war so he's been 
kind of busy trying to fix that mess. Jane is like 'okay, 
well...at least you have an excuse.' Except she totally saw him 
fighting in the New York battle on TV. He says he's tried very 
hard to protect her from "the dangers of my world", but he 
realizes now that he was just being an idiot. 
   Chrissy: However, that doesn't guarantee you will be in 
   the next Avengers movie.

He thinks fate has brought them together again. He starts to 
maybe, kind of say "I love you", but he winds up fumbling it a 
bit and Darcy interrupts before he can get the train back on 
track.
   Chrissy: Excuse Diandra's metaphor mixing. Rest assured 
   it WILL happen again.
Darcy asks if this weather is because of him. Thor looks up 
like he's just now noticing it and it stops raining instantly. 
Jane is like 'yeah, so we were kind of in the middle of 
something IMPORTANT here, so...buzz off?' Darcy says yeah, 
well, just so you know we're all being arrested. Jane tells 
Thor to "hold that thought" and runs off. 
   Chrissy: What thought?
   Diandra: Exactly.

The officers are patting Ian down when Jane arrives. The first 
one she runs into explains that this is private property they 
are trespassing on. He reaches for her arm, saying she'll have 
to come with them too. The second he touches her though there's 
a blast of red energy that knocks everyone in her immediate 
vicinity back, shattering every window on the cop cars. Jane is 
also knocked over and dazed. Thor runs up to check on her. The 
officers regroup and circle them aiming weapons, ordering Thor 
to put his hands on his head and step back. Thor is like yeah, 
that's not going to happen. He grabs her, summons the transport 
beam or whatever it is and zips them away. Which I would think 
would be a dangerous thing for a human to experience, but 
whatever.

Heimdall frowns as a cop car spits out of the portal past him, 
having been caught up accidentally. And then Thor and Jane 
stagger through and he shuts the portal. Jane looks around with 
a big grin and says they definitely have to do that again 
sometime.

And according to the chyron, we cut to Svartalfheim, which 
sounds exactly like the kind of name a Scandinavian would 
invent if they had an excess of consonants. Somewhere amid the 
barren landscape, Malekith kneels and picks up a handful of 
dirt, bemoaning the pitiful remains of his legacy to the black 
elf who is still with him, who he identifies as Algrim. "I can 
barely remember a time before the light." Algrim comforts him 
by reminding him that they SURVIVED and THAT is his legacy. 
Maleketh sneers and vows to get revenge on the Asgardians and 
reclaim the Aether. Then he will "put an end to this poisoned 
universe." Sigh. Another bad guy who wants to destroy the 
universe. Really need to find new evil motivations.

Back on Asgard, the Asgardian (all female, it seems) medical 
team puts Jane on a high tech table that begins displaying 
holographic images over her body. She immediately starts 
pointing and asking questions. Head doctor (I'm guessing) 
orders her to stay STILL, damnit and she and the others start 
manually manipulating images and data. Thor asks the one who is 
hanging back what this is because it is CLEARLY not from Earth. 
The woman says she doesn't know, but Jane can't possibly 
survive the amount of energy surging through her. She slinks 
off before Thor can get upset. Jane notes that the thing the 
doctor has her hand on is a quantum field generator. The doctor 
identifies it as a "soul forge". Jane is like yeah, um...does 
it transfer molecular energy from one place to another? Cause 
basically that means it is and you have a different word for 
it.

Odin interrupts to berate Thor for disregarding everything he 
said. Thor protests that Jane is SICK. Odin is like yeah, like 
I said before, she is MORTAL. That happens to mortals. "She 
doesn't belong on Asgard any more than a goat belongs on a 
banquet table." Jane, now free of the holograms, sits up and 
asks just who the hell he thinks he is. He says he's Odin, King 
of Asgard, God of all gods, etc. She deflates and starts to 
introduce herself, but Odin interrupts to say he knows exactly 
who she is. Jane turns to Thor like 'what the hell did you tell 
your dad about me?' Thor ignores her to beseech Odin again 
because she has something WITHIN her.
   Chrissy: Hehehe. Never had the talk about the birds and 
    the bees?
   Diandra: Oh, please. This universe is so sterilized they 
    can barely let couples KISS. As far as I can tell, they 
    procreate entirely by magic.
Thor says her world has their own healers who are perfectly 
capable of dealing with her. He orders the guards to take her 
back to Earth. Of course, the second the guards touch her the 
red explosion thing happens again and they're knocked back. 
This gets Odin's attention, naturally. He waves his hand over 
her arm, frowning at the squiggly red lines seeming to glow 
under her skin. He says this isn't possible. The head doctor 
notes that the infection appears to be defending her. Thor 
corrects that she is just the host. It's defending ITSELF.

Odin escorts Jane and Thor to another room, rambling about how 
there are "relics" that predate the entire universe and 
whatever this is seems to be one. He opens a book that seems to 
have pictures that move by themselves and says that the nine 
realms had a beginning and will have an ending, but BEFORE that 
beginning creatures called Dark Elves reigned. Thor recites 
some ditty about Dark Elves coming to steal the light that 
mummy told...er...them when they were children. Loki is still 
alive somewhere, right? Odin says Malekith was their leader and 
he made a weapon called Aether out of darkness. Most of the 
relics are depicted as stone, but the Aether is shown as being 
fluid. We get a shot of the illustration he's landed on in the 
book: a blob hovering over a group of dark elves. He says it 
changes matter into dark matter and draws strength from a 
host's life force. Uh-huh. Sure. Is any of this going to be on 
the test?

Basically, Malekith hoped he could harness the Aether's power 
and use it to return the universe to darkness. There were many 
MANY years of wars over it before Odin's father finally 
declared victory and they've had thousands of years of peace 
since. Jane asks how he managed that. Odin says he killed all 
the dark elves. Thor notes that the Aether was supposed to have 
been destroyed along with them, so its presence would kind of 
call that fact into question. Jane is like 'about that...does 
the book say anything about exorcising the dark energy that 
isn't supposed to exist from humans?' Odin just says "no" and 
walks away. 
   Chrissy: Well, ask a stupid question...

Malekith's ship. Algrim notes that according to some light 
jumble display the worlds are perfectly aligned. Malekith 
resists the urge to tent his fingers and purr "eeeexcellent". 
Or maybe that's me. Then Algrim volunteers himself as sacrifice 
for no apparent reason and Malekith stabs him and chants 
something about becoming one with the darkness. He shoves what 
looks like a lump of burning coal into the wound he just made 
and says until that time "no power our enemies possess can stop 
you."

Rainbow Bridge. The group of warriors from the bar earlier 
comes through a portal. They escort their prisoners of war - 
which may or may not include a minotaur - into some sort of 
underground prison. This is partly so they can march past 
Loki's cell and prove that Tom Hiddleston is still in this 
movie. Frigga is in the cell with him and asks if he's not 
finding the books she sent him interesting. He grumbles 
something about spending the rest of eternity reading. She 
sighs that she's doing her best to make sure he's comfortable, 
which...considering all the furniture in the room makes it look 
more like a tiny hotel room than a prison cell... He asks if 
Odin or Thor are as concerned about him. Or, you know, even 
give a shit if he's still alive. She reminds him that it's HIS 
FAULT he's in this cell. "I was merely giving truth to the lie 
that I had been fed my entire life," he claims. "That I was 
born to be a king." Frigga snaps that a TRUE king can admit his 
faults. 
   Chrissy: I believe we've been over this before, 
   but...again, you mistake "true" king with "good" king. 
She reminds him of all the people he killed. He thinks that was 
just a drop in the bucket compared to the number of kills Odin 
can claim. Also, they were Earthlings. Frigga starts a sentence 
with "your father" and Loki interrupts her immediately to yell 
that Odin is NOT his father. She says oh, then does that mean 
she isn't his mother? His face twitches a bit and he admits 
that she isn't. She huffs and says "you're always so perceptive 
about everyone but yourself." She holds out her hands. He waves 
a hand right through one of them and she fades like the 
hologram she apparently was the whole time.

Thor and Jane are wandering the castle grounds and she is now 
dressed in something more appropriate to either Asgard or a 
Renaissance festival on Earth. She notes that when he came for 
her, he already knew she was in trouble. He says Heimdall lost 
sight of her because she wasn't on Earth for a time. At least 
not really. Because "the nine realms travel within Yggdrasil 
orbiting Asgard" and every 5,000 years or so they align so 
perfectly that the lines between them get kind of fuzzy and 
it's possible to slip from one to another accidentally via 
portal. He says it's lucky it stayed open long enough for her 
to get back because once the alignment breaks up again the 
portals close. He uses their hands to provide a visual, lining 
up their fingers and then rotating them out of alignment as he 
talks. Jane is obviously only sort of listening as her blood 
runs south. She kisses him and pants that she likes the way he 
explains things. Then she sobers and asks what's going to 
happen to her. He non-answers that he'll find a way to save 
her. Frigga arrives just then and Thor introduces Jane to her 
as the Queen of Asgard and his mother. Jane lets go of Thor's 
hand and takes a step back like WE WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING, 
REALLY!

Down in the dungeon, Loki is laying on a bed and idly tossing a 
cup into the air repeatedly over his head. Tom flinches just 
enough to make it clear that he has failed to catch it on 
previous takes. It turns out one of the groups of men shoved in 
a nearby cell is Algrim. He pulls the lump of coal or whatever 
it is from the wound Malekith made and starts turning into a 
lava monster like the guy in that first scene. The other guys 
in the cell panic and start banging on the glass, screaming. 
The lights flicker and Loki stops tossing that thing in the air 
and gets up to see what's going on. Algrim goes nuclear and the 
blast turns the other guys in the cell to smoldering lumps of 
ash. He starts banging on the cell floor and roaring. Some 
guards realize something is going on and come to check it out. 
Algrim blasts through the shielded glass and strangles them 
both simultaneously with fire hands. 
   Chrissy: I just realized how fucking crazy your 
    descriptions are going to get as we go through this 
    series.
   Diandra: Going to? And you're just figuring this out 
    now?
Algrim breaks open the cells of all his other men and then 
hesitates in front of Loki's like he's not sure he should let 
him out or not. Loki stares him down, smirking. Algrim actually 
gives a little wave like 'nah, fuck that guy' as he walks away. 
Loki calls after him that he should take the stairs on the 
left.

Outside, the alarms are blaring and Thor jolts as he realizes 
it's coming from the prison cells. 
   Chrissy: You know the first thing going through his head 
    here is 'oh, fuck, what did my idiot brother do NOW?'
   Diandra: And the irony is that he's the one person who 
    is actually innocent here. But I'm sure he'll be blamed 
    anyway.
   Chrissy: Speaking from experience as the youngest?
   Diandra: I'd rather not talk about it.
Frigga tells him she can stay with Jane while he goes to take 
care of that. Thor runs right off the nearest balcony, shedding 
his cape and catching the hammer as it flies by.

In the dungeons, Faromir has joined the fight.
   Chrissy: Fandral.
   Diandra: What's the difference?
   Chrissy: I have no idea.
He snarks that these creatures are fighting like they resent 
their imprisonment or something. NotGimli fires back that 
there's just no pleasing some people. Somebody gets thrown 
against Loki's cell and we focus on him sitting by the glass, 
calmly reading amid the chaos like Madame Defarge or something.
   Chrissy: Wow. Random reference.

Thor appears at the end of the hall and tries to apply the same 
tactic he did to the troll to this crazed horde, calmly 
ordering them to return to their cells before any "harm" comes 
to them. One guy punches him across the face. He's like 
'alright then, forget that shit' and joins the fight.

Odin is giving orders to a squadron of men when Frigga 
sidelines him. He orders the men to keep going and bullshits 
that this is just a "skirmish" and there's nothing to worry 
about. She says he's a terrible liar. He tells her to take Jane 
to her room where it's safe. Sif passes just then and she and 
Jane stare at each other like 'so YOU'RE the one'. Frigga tells 
Odin to be careful and herds Jane away. They aren't even fully 
out of sight before Frigga draws a sword and tells Jane to 
follow her orders no questions asked. "Yes, ma'am," Jane says 
quickly, her eyes lighting up like 'yes, my boyfriend's mom is 
a badass!'

Something that is only mostly invisible flies past the guard 
house and Heimdall, sensing it, goes running along the Rainbow 
Bridge, launching himself onto it. The ship shimmers into view, 
smoking from the spot where he embedded a knife on landing. He 
slides down until he can stab the main engine or whatever is 
controlling it, then jumps back to the bridge and watches the 
disabled ship crash. Because Heimdall is a badass. 
Unfortunately, while he was busy with this ship, another bigger 
one was flying up behind it. This turns out to be the mother 
ship and it sends another half dozen or so of the smaller ones 
piloted by dark elves flying past Heimdall, who just watches 
like 'son of a...'

Gunners in the city shoot at the ships as they approach. A 
friendly ship takes off and now we're in a full aerial battle. 
Heimdall returns to the guard house and jams the sword into the 
podium, which apparently causes a giant shield to come up over 
the castle. One of the dark elf ships crashes into it and 
explodes.

Algrim makes his way into the castle...I think...and disables 
the spinning orb thing that is apparently powering the shield. 
A dark elf ship flies through where it was right into the 
castle, destroying several dozen ornate columns and killing who 
knows how many red shirts.

In the dungeon, Thor, Faromir and NotGimli look wary as the 
ship groans to a stop on the floor overhead and dust rains down 
on them. Loki is just standing there like 'as you can see, I 
have no part in this.'

Some soldiers approach the ship that has landed in the middle 
of the palace. The Dark Elves wait a minute and then open a 
hatch and spill out, shooting lasers and launching a grenade 
that seems to suck several guys into some sort of miniature 
black hole along with part of a column. The Asgardians fight 
valiantly, but they're not doing very well. Malekith comes out 
behind all his foot soldiers and launches another dark energy 
grenade (this is what I'm calling it now) at the throne, 
destroying the whole platform. 

Some more soldiers run through the dungeons yelling that the 
throne has been destroyed and they need to get to the king. 
Loki just watches like 'huh...guess I might still have a shot 
at ruling this world'.

Upstairs, Odin arrives after everyone on both sides is already 
dead except one lone Dark Elf, who he kills. He looks at the 
carnage and whispers "Frigga."

This segues into Malekith finding the room she and Jane are 
holed up in. Frigga greets him with a warning to stand down if 
he wants to live.
   Diandra: I seriously don't remember her from the first 
   movie. Was she always this badass?
Malekith is like 'pppffffftttt. Like I'm afraid of you.' Jane 
suddenly runs across the back of the room and Malekith makes a 
move toward her. Frigga slashes at him and they launch into a 
sword fight wherein he loses his sword immediately and gets 
pinned to a wall. But before she can finish him, Algrim 
arrives. He holds Frigga, lifting her a few inches off the 
floor, while Malekith turns to Jane and demands she give back 
what she took. She just stares at him, shaking. He reaches for 
her and she shimmers away the same way Frigga did with Loki 
earlier. He turns to Frigga, declares her a witch and demands 
SHE tell him where the Aether is then. She says she'll never 
tell. He says he believes her and Algrim just runs her through 
with a sword. Thor comes around the corner screaming and sends 
a bolt of lightning into Malekith's face. Malekith and Algrim 
run and Thor gives chase, throwing the hammer at them and then 
again at the suddenly appearing ship they seem to have jumped 
into. The ship retreats and disappears. Mournful music plays. 
Odin arrives to cradle his wife's dead body and the real Jane 
appears to hover at the edge of the scene. 

And we cut right to Frigga's Viking funeral. Which features 
about three dozen other burning ships going over a waterfall. 
Except because this is a magic universe, Odin bangs his staff 
on the ground and Frigga's boat goes several feet past the edge 
of the water, hovering long enough for some sparkly lights to 
fly off it into the sky before plummeting. And then people 
release some glowing orbs into the air. Yeah, I just realized I 
really don't know anything about Norse mythology.
   Chrissy: Where were you when I realized that in the last 
    recap?
   Diandra: Oh, shush.

Somebody goes down to tell Loki and he stops reading long 
enough to nod an acknowledgment. And then once the guard is far 
enough away he moves to the center of the room and all the 
furniture simultaneously flies into the walls.

This is about the point where Chrissy and I had to take a break 
from recapping (because we really can't do an entire movie all 
at once). During the break, Comic Con happened and the trailer 
for “Thor: Ragnarok” was released. I texted Chrissy the minute 
I saw it. Here is a transcript of our conversation.
   Diandra: So about that trailer...
   Chrissy: Yes, the wallpaper on my phone is back to a new 
    picture of Tom Hiddleston in chains.
   Diandra: That wasn't what I was going to say, but it's 
    nice to know you are so predictable.
   Chrissy: Okay, fine. What were you going to say?
   Diandra: Well, I forget now, but I'm pretty sure it had 
    something to do with Jeff Goldblum being a refugee from 
    the Hunger Games.
   Chrissy: We're going to have to recap that one too, 
    aren't we?
   Diandra: Nobody is buying the 'I'm here under duress' 
    act, Chris.

In New York, Selvig is explaining that the entire universe 
rotates on a 5,000 year cycle and at some point during that 
cycle all the worlds align. Yes, and it's called the 
Convergence. We know. He does a demonstration with a couple 
shoes and repeatedly bangs them together to illustrate how all 
the nine realms are crashing together and all light and matter 
and gravity is just freely moving between them. One of the 
probably bored students he's talking to coughs. Undaunted, he 
says his gravimetric spikes can "stabilize the focal point" of 
the convergence.
   Chrissy: But can they reverse the polarity?
   Diandra: Yes, but they probably don’t work on wood.
   Chrissy: What?
   Diandra: Did we not cover that when we were doing 
    “Doctor Who”? Okay, I’ll explain later.
He says because of this, all the other realms can pass them by 
without damage. He asks if anybody has any questions and the 
camera reverses to show that he isn't in a classroom, but a 
mental asylum. Also, Stan Lee is one of the other patients, who 
asks if he can have his shoe back now.

Meanwhile, on the still invisible ship, someone is ordering 
possibly Malekith to rest and regain his strength so he can 
reclaim the Aether and “kill them all”. It’s really not clear 
what’s going on here.

Jane is still in the palace. A splotch of red appears in the 
sky, then totally overtakes the whole of it, turning Asgard 
dark. Her eyes go black. And then a soldier approaches, calls 
her name and everything snaps back to normal like it was all in 
her head.

Faromir is briefing Odin on the stats of the palace. They 
haven’t been able to get the shields back up yet and none of 
their detection is able to see them. Even Heimdall. Basically, 
they are up shit creek right now. Thor interrupts to demand to 
know why Odin is treating Jane like a prisoner. Odin dismisses 
the men and begins the conversation by saying that he doesn’t 
want to fight with Thor. Thor says yeah, but he’s trying to go 
after Malekith. Odin says they have the Aether, so they don’t 
have to GO AFTER him. He will come to them. Thor says if he 
does that he will destroy them. Odin scoffs that he’s 
overestimating the abilities of the Dark Elves. Thor says he’s 
not willing to risk their people so he’s going to take Jane to 
the Dark World and draw Malekith there, well away from Asgard. 
He says he should have a good opportunity to destroy the Aether 
AND Malekith because once Malekith pulls it out of Jane it will 
be “exposed and vulnerable”.
   Chrissy: And limp and sticky probably.
   Diandra: How did I know you would go there?
   Chrissy: Judging by the unladylike snort you just let 
    out, I’m pretty sure you went there too.
   Diandra: Did not. That was a sneeze.
   Chrissy: No, it wasn’t.

Odin points out that if he fails, he will risk handing this 
super powerful weapon that could destroy the universe over to 
their enemies. Thor says yeah, well, the risk is actually 
greater if they do nothing. For all they know Malekith’s ship 
is hovering over their heads right now. Odin blusters that 
their men can handle Malekith’s army. Thor returns to the 
argument that they would be sacrificing their own men in the 
process. Um...yeah. It’s called war. Odin snaps as much at him 
and vows that the Asgardians will fight to the end. “Then how 
are you different from Malekith,” Thor asks. Odin says because 
he will win. Yeah, he’s a military man. They tend to be pretty 
unreasonable, but Thor is also being overly idealist in his 
assumption that he can fight a battle without ANYONE dying.

Darcy’s place. Darcy is fretting that nobody is calling her 
back. Jane, Erik, SHIELD, nobody. Ian asks who SHIELD is. She 
says it’s a secret. Not for long if they told Darcy, 
apparently. She leaves a message for Erik, saying Thor took 
Jane to Asgard and she’s not sure what she’s supposed to do 
now. Um...why do you think you have to do something, Ms. 
Busybody? She hangs up just as the newscaster on the television 
in the background announces that Erik Selvig, who many remember 
for his involvement in the whole alien invasion of New York 
fiasco, was taken into custody after running around naked by 
Stonehenge.

Heimdall finds Thor in a bar. Thor asks why he’s not at the war 
council. Heimdall says Odin closed the Bifrost until further 
notice and he can’t even see this enemy they are up against so 
there’s really no point in him keeping his post right now, is 
there? He takes off his helmet and sits. Thor says Malekith 
will come back and he will need Heimdall’s help. Heimdall says 
that’s nice, but he can’t go against the king’s orders. Thor 
says he’s not asking him to, but he has to see that Odin is 
currently blinded by grief and hate. Heimdall smiles sadly and 
says the risk is too great. Thor says everything is a risk now 
and they don’t have a choice. Heimdall sighs and says okay, 
what does he need?

Thor explains in voiceover that what he’s asking is considered 
treason and depending on the outcome they will either be exiled 
or die horribly.
   Chrissy: Well, in that case...
He says Malekith obviously knew they have the Aether. He can 
sense it. If they just sit on their hands, he will try to get 
it again and this time he will kill more than just a few people 
in the palace. It turns out he’s explaining this to a gathering 
of Heimdall, Sif, Faromir and NotGimli. He wants them to go 
ahead with the plan to take Jane off world and draw Malekith 
away. Sif asks how the hell they’re supposed to do that with 
the Bifrost closed down and the Tesseract locked away. Heimdall 
says there is one other way to get off Asgard. Thor adds that 
very few know about it. NotGimli apparently figures out what he 
means and groans “no”.

Dungeons. Thor approaches the apparently only cell that is even 
occupied anymore. Loki greets him with some cocky sneering 
about how Thor is finally gracing him with his presence. Thor 
just tells him to lay off the illusions already. The glass 
shimmers and the perfectly put together version of Loki and the 
cell disappears, replaced by a disheveled version slumped 
against the back wall, surrounded by the destruction he had 
only started when we last saw him. He sighs in defeat and asks 
if their mother suffered. Thor says he’s not here to 
commiserate. He knows Loki wants revenge, and he is offering to 
let him have it if he can help get them off of Asgard. Loki 
thinks about it for a second, then snorts and says Thor must be 
desperate to be coming to him. “What makes you think you can 
trust me?” Thor is like ‘nobody trusts you, but I’m kind of 
hoping the boy I knew once is still in there somewhere. You 
know, the one mom could still see. Also, I no longer have any 
compunctions about killing your ass if you double cross me, 
so...’ Loki just smirks at him for a few more seconds, then 
asks when they start.

We flash back to the conversation with the Rebel Alliance...
   Chrissy: No no no no. You can’t just use that name.
   Diandra: My recap, my rules.
Faromir...
   Chrissy: Sigh.
...says Loki WILL betray them. Thor says yeah, he can TRY.

Back with Thor breaking Loki out. Loki apparently took the time 
to fix his hair and clothes again and is grinning at the fact 
that his brother is doing something so unlike him. You know, 
since he’s always been such a stickler for the rules. Thor 
growls at him to shut up before he does something he regrets. 
Loki, who never learned the lesson about not poking sleeping 
bears, says fine, Thor can just pretend he’s not there then. He 
transforms himself into a random Asgardian soldier as they pass 
behind a pillar. “Is this better?” Thor barely glances at him 
and grumbles that it’s better COMPANY. To get back at him for 
that, probably, as they pass behind the next column, Loki 
morphs back into himself, but changes Thor into Sif and 
proceeds to make lewd comments about his new appearance. Thor 
looks down, hesitates, and points out that he can still kill 
Loki in this body. Loki says maybe he’d like the company of one 
of his new friends better than. They pass a pillar and Thor 
goes back to himself and Loki turns into Captain America. Chris 
Evans has entirely too much fun pretending to be Loki as he 
comments on how tight the costume is but how very RIGHTEOUS he 
feels right now and ISN’T THIS AWESOME? “Hey, want to have a 
rousing discussion about truth? Honor? Patriotism? GOD BLESS 
AMER-“ Thor slams him into a pillar and slaps a hand over his 
mouth so he doesn’t alert the passing guards. Loki turns back 
into himself and grumbles that the least Thor could have done 
is let him have a weapon. Yes, because somebody who tried to 
take over a whole planet with a mysterious, powerful device can 
be trusted with weapons. Thor looks for a second like he’s 
going to give Loki a weapon, but Loki’s victorious grin falls 
when he just winds up in handcuffs.

Back in the Rebel meeting, Faromir points out that Jane is 
being guarded by Einherjar (I swear they’re just making up 
words) and they’ll see Thor coming to rescue her. Thor says HE 
won’t be the one rescuing her. He looks pointedly at Sif.

A guard brings a tray of food into whatever posh holding cell 
Jane is in. She grumbles that she isn’t hungry. Sif knocks out 
the guard along with the other guard at the door and tells Jane 
to come with her. Yeah, I thought this was going in a totally 
different direction, but this is much better.

They meet Thor and Loki outside and Jane marches right up to 
Loki and slaps him across the face. Because while she may not 
have been in “The Avengers” , she has access to news sources 
and knows what happened. Proving that he might very well be as 
kinky as Chrissy suggests, he smirks and tells Thor “I like 
her”.
   Chrissy: Do it again! Harder!
   Diandra: I just realized why you like Loki so much.
   Chrissy: Just now? 

Back in the meeting, Heimdall says it is his sworn duty to 
report crimes against the throne to Odin. So we see Odin arrive 
at the crossroads of the rainbow bridge, where Heimdall 
announces his own intent to commit treason. Odin sees through 
this right away and orders his men to stop Thor, who is where 
we saw him with Jane, Sif and Loki in the last scene. Sif 
offers to hold them off while Thor takes care of Jane, who is 
no doubt currently being creeped out at the way Loki is 
continuing to stare at her like he’s thinking of all the things 
he could do if he had his hands free. They start to part ways, 
but Sif stops Loki with a sword waved under his chin and 
threatens to kill him if he betrays Thor. He just laughs and 
says it’s good to see her again too.

NotGimli says fine, let’s say Thor can free the mortal woman 
and Loki can help him with this insane plan. How are they going 
to get out of the palace?

NotGimli is stationed in front of the crashed Dark Elf ship. He 
says he’ll give them as much time as he can. He stops Loki as 
he goes to pass and growls that if he even THINKS of betraying 
Thor... Loki rolls his eyes like ‘Jesus, are you all following 
the same script?’ He says if NotGimli wants to kill him 
“evidently there will be a line”. 

Thor marches right into the ship and starts poking randomly at 
the control panel. Loki says he thought Thor said he knew how 
to fly one of these. Thor says no, “I said ‘how hard could it 
be’?”

Outside, the soldiers arrive and NotGimli tries to hold them 
off.

Loki suggests that Thor do whatever he’s doing faster. Thor 
tells him to can it. Loki thinks maybe he missed something. 
Thor snaps that he’s tried EVERY DAMN BUTTON here. Loki 
suggests maybe he stop banging on the buttons and try pressing 
them gently. 
   Chrissy: And when I steal Jane from you, you will think 
    back on this conversation and realize you should have 
    seen it coming.
   Diandra: Heh. Coming. That was another sneeze. Sorry.
Thor, repeatedly slapping a random part of the panel, says he 
IS being gentle and it’s NOT. WORKING. Everything lights up 
suddenly and he laughs.

Outside, the soldiers all pile onto NotGimli, but the ship 
powers up and they are knocked over by a blast from the 
thrusters. Thor takes out a couple more columns as he steers 
out of the palace and Loki hovers by his shoulder, snarkily 
noting that he missed one. Okay, now I remember why people love 
him despite him being an ego mad psycho in “The Avengers”.
   Chrissy: Duh. 
Loki offers to take the controls because he is the better pilot 
of the two of them. Thor, in total sibling fashion, reminds him 
that of the two of them HE is the one who doesn’t need a 
vehicle to fly. Oh yeah? Well, MOM LIKED ME BETTER.

Jane collapses and Loki off-handedly asks if maybe she’s dead. 
She mumbles that she’s fine, freeing Thor to give his full 
attention to the guns shooting at them. Which are likely 
Asgardian because they are IN AN ENEMY SHIP. He darts around 
evading the blasts and takes out a tower. Loki opens his mouth 
and Thor growls at him to shut up. Loki is like ‘okay, but you 
realize there are three battle ships following us, right?’ The 
ships start shooting at them, which Loki also notes and Thor 
sarcastically notes that this running commentary is not at ALL 
distracting.
   Chrissy: I just want a prequel of the two of them going 
    on some adventure, messing with stupid ancient mortals 
    who think they are gods and bickering.
   Diandra: That wasn’t part of the first movie?
   Chrissy: Why don’t you go watch it and find out?

Thor knocks the head off a giant statue with one wing and Loki 
congratulates him on decapitating his grandfather. Then he 
notes that this entire idea is stupid. They are escaping in the 
biggest, most obvious ship they could get their hands on. And 
they’re circling the city and smashing everything in their path 
just in case there were a few people left who didn’t notice. 
Thor shoves Loki screaming through the open doorway, then picks 
up Jane and jumps out himself, landing on another ship beside 
Faromir. Apparently Loki landed on the same ship since Faromir 
laughs about his complete lack of grace as he pulls himself up 
from where he face-planted on the deck. Loki compliments Thor 
on his successful deception. Thor is like ‘yeah, whatever, now 
hold up your end of the deal.’
   Chrissy: As the abridged script would describe it: show 
    us your secret passage.
   Diandra: I’m going to regret sending you the link to 
    that, aren’t I?
Loki happily takes the controls of the new ship and pounds the 
accelerator.
   Chrissy: Speaking of pounding...
   Diandra: NO!

A ship is still chasing them, firing away. Loki evades them and 
Faromir grabs a rope and swings over to their ship, knocking 
them out rather easily. He salutes Thor as the brothers will 
apparently continue alone.

I...don’t know how to describe this in a way that doesn’t sound 
dirty, so here goes nothing. Loki fondles the end of the 
controls, guiding the ship toward an opening that appears too 
small for it to fit into. Thor calls to him nervously and Loki 
assures him that everything will be fine. Just relax. Chrissy 
would be commenting right now, but she is laughing so hard she 
is making loud gasping noises and coughing in the direction of 
the floor. The ship plunges into the tunnel, scraping both 
wings the whole way through and crash landing on a barren 
landscape on the other side. “Ta da,” Loki declares.
   Chrissy [wheezing]: Anybody else need a cigarette?
   Diandra: I certainly hope that’s not the kind of thing 
    he would actually say post-coitus.
   Chrissy: Might need to ask Taylor about that.
   Diandra: ..........really? You just had to go there?
   Chrissy: Hey, I’m surprised it took me this long!

Wherever the Dark Soldiers are gathered, one...possibly Algrim, 
tries to insist that they should strike now. Malekith says no, 
Asgard is “meaningless”. They are looking for the Aether, which 
he senses has found its way back home. He turns to face the 
camera and we see that the whole right side of his face is 
burned from that lightning strike.

“Home”. Loki flies through what looks like the wreckage of what 
might have once been a city. Thor frets over the somewhat 
conscious Jane. Loki looks at her longingly and says “what I 
could do with the power that flows through those veins.” 
Instead of pointing out that Loki is still handcuffed and Thor 
technically doesn’t need him anymore and could totally throw 
him overboard again, Thor huffs that that kind of power would 
consume him. We’re talking about the guy who harnessed an all 
powerful weapon to try to take over a planet, right? Loki 
points out that SHE’S handling it just fine so far. Thor says 
she’s strong. Loki suggests he say goodbye anyway, because even 
if she survives this she’s a human mortal and one day all too 
soon he will have to watch the only woman he’s ever loved die.
   Chrissy: Okay, so I guess now would be a good time to 
    talk about mom...
   Diandra: Who said anything about her? [sniffle]
Thor sneers that he’s not about to surrender. Then he reminds 
Loki that he wasn’t the only one who loved their mother. “You 
had her tricks, but I had her trust.” Loki, getting pissed now, 
asks if she trusted Thor when he let her die. Thor is like 
‘yeah, because YOU were able to stop her from dying from that 
cell’. “Who put me there,” Loki screams. Um...dad? Thor shoves 
him against the hull of the ship and raises a fist, then 
hesitates and says “she” wouldn’t want them fighting. Loki says 
no, but she wouldn’t be surprised. No, I think no mother of 
more than one child would ever be surprised by that. Thor says 
he wishes he could trust Loki, then turns his back on him. 
“Trust my rage,” Loki says to the back of his head.

London. Darcy has gotten Ian to pretend to be Erik’s son so 
they can sign him out of the jail. The warden hands over a 
wallet, a key ring, a whole bag full of prescription bottles 
and a big thing that looks like a bazooka from “Men in Black”. 
Erik is brought out and, after Darcy reminds him of who she is, 
he hugs her and doesn’t let go for a long minute.
   Chrissy: I saw things on the inside. They made me do 
   things...

As they’re leaving, Erik plucks things from the armload of his 
stuff that Ian is carrying. Ian introduces himself and asks if 
Erik is okay. Erik opens one of the bottles of pills, tosses 
some back and mutters that he does NOT recommend letting a god 
into your brain.
   Chrissy: Well, to be fair, Loki forced his way in 
    without any warning. If he tried a more gentle approach 
    with a consenting human, maybe played a little Barry 
    White...
   Diandra: You’re still stuck on the ship going through 
    the tunnel thing, aren’t you?
   Chrissy: I mean, it’s probably overwhelming for the 
    human who has never done it before. They need to be 
    eased into it...
   Diandra: And you’re not stopping.
   Chrissy: ...or it could be painful and leave marks.
   Diandra: What are we even talking about anymore?
   Chrissy: I’m just saying, there is safe and sane and 
    then there is Fifty Shades of Grey bullshit, which... 
    come to think of it would probably be right up Loki’s 
    alley (heh), but that’s just because he’s a twisted 
    little shit who can take an unusual amount of damage. 
   Diandra: Uh-huh. Can we get back to the recap now?

One of the weapon looking things in Ian’s hands starts beeping 
and he yelps at Erik in alarm. Erik says “it” is happening 
sooner than he calculated. They step outside as a big flock of 
birds flies in a strange pattern overhead. Ian notes that 
they’re starlings. The starlings fly into one of those 
wormholes and disappear. After a beat they suddenly reappear 
through the ground around the trio. Darcy screams like a twit 
in a horror movie and asks what the HELL that was. Erik just 
smirks and notes how nice it is to find out that he isn’t the 
only one going crazy. He tosses his pills in the nearest trash.

Otherworld. Jane wakes up and looks over the side of the ship, 
sensing that Malekith is coming after them. They land somewhere 
and watch from a cliff as Malekith’s men pour out of their 
ship. Thor asks Jane if she’s ready. She nods and Loki says he 
is too, thanks for asking. The boys stand in front of Jane and, 
as Malekith spots them, Loki says this plan of Thor’s is 
definitely going to get them killed.

So, while the video is paused...I’d like to highlight something 
Tom said in an interview at some point. He was talking about 
doing fight scenes with Chris Hemsworth and he said at one 
point Chris didn’t pull back fast enough and elbowed him in the 
face, which he said REALLY FUCKING HURT because “his arm is the 
size of my head”. Seeing them standing next to each other like 
this with Chris’ biceps on full display, you can see that he 
wasn’t exaggerating at ALL.
   Chrissy: Okay, you can stop licking the screen now.
   Diandra: [whimper]

Ahem. Anyway. 

Loki holds out his hands for Thor to take the handcuffs off, 
waits a couple seconds for Thor to stare blankly and asks if he 
still doesn’t trust him. Thor is like no, nobody would, but 
you’re going to need your hands, so... Once his hands are free, 
Loki is like ‘yeah, I wouldn’t trust me either’, pulls a blade 
and stabs Thor, shoving him down the side of the cliff and 
jumping after him. Jane shrieks and runs after them. Sigh. 

Thor rolls to a stop and Loki, kicking him, asks if Thor really 
thought he cared about Frigga. Or anybody for that matter. He 
says he just wants Odin and Thor to die so he can take over the 
throne. Thor calls the hammer to him, but Loki cuts his hand 
off and it goes sailing past. Jane runs to Thor, writhing on 
the ground and Loki grabs her and turns to face Malekith, who 
has been approaching since they started down the cliff. He 
introduces himself as Loki of Jotunheim (which is new) and 
presents Malekith with a “gift”. He tosses Jane to the ground 
between them and says the only thing he wants in return is a 
front row seat “to watch Asgard burn”. Algrim mutters to 
Malekith that this guy is obviously an enemy of the Asgardians 
because he was down in the prison with him. 

Malekith goes over to Thor, who is struggling to get up, and 
kicks him down again. Then he gestures and Jane levitates, the 
Aether pouring out of every opening in her head. We zoom in on 
her eye and get a shot of Earth seemingly flying too close to 
the Sun and getting fried. Then pan back through galaxies until 
we emerge from her eye again. Nice to see they are using their 
special effects budget wisely here.

Malekith releases Jane and she crashes to the ground. Thor 
yells “now” at Loki, who sends some sort of beam of energy at 
Thor’s hand, restoring it. The hammer flies into his hand and 
he sends a blast into the Aether as Loki dives to cover Jane. 
We pan back as the hammer/Aether combination seems to detonate 
with the force of an atomic blast. Then we go back down as the 
Aether, now in millions of shards all over the ground, 
levitates and rushes right to Malekith. He absorbs it, his eyes 
turn red and he casually starts walking away. Thor marches 
after him, brushing off soldiers who try to stop him. Algrim 
turns and tosses what looks like a flaming dark energy grenade. 
Loki shoves Jane away before it detonates and forms one of 
those black holes that starts to suck him in. Thor tackles him 
away from it before it succeeds.

Malekith is just reaching the ship when Thor spins the hammer 
and flies toward him. Everything kind of goes cockeyed for a 
second so it’s not really clear what happened, but Algrim seems 
to have intercepted him. The ship takes off while they’re 
fighting.

Four dark elves surround Loki, who is armed only with a short 
knife.
   Chrissy: It’s not the size, it’s how you use it.

Algrim punches Thor across several football field lengths, then 
picks up a rock the size of a small car to chuck at him. The 
rock shatters and Thor digs himself from the rubble as Algrim 
saunters up, brushing off the hammer as if it were an annoying 
bug when it flies at him along the way. 

Loki finishes the five guys he was fighting, because of course 
they patiently waited to attack him one by one like good 
Hollywood villains. Also, they changed number while we weren’t 
looking, I guess. He marches over to where Thor is being 
pounded repeatedly into the ground...
   Chrissy: [snickering]
   Diandra: Oh, come on.
...and Algrim stops as he is speared from behind.
   Chrissy: You’re doing this on purpose!
Algrim turns and, in quite possibly the most ridiculous thing 
I’ve seen outside of “24”, grabs Loki and stabs him on the end 
of the spear sticking from his own chest.
   Chrissy: “24”?
   Diandra: Pretty sure Jack Bauer once took a knife out of 
    his chest and nunchucked it at an enemy agent.
   Chrissy: Oh, I wasn’t arguing, I was just wondering why 
    you didn’t say “James Bond” or something.
   Diandra; I think you already know the answer to that.

Algrim throws Loki to the ground, then notices there is 
something beeping on his belt. I’m not sure if it’s another of 
his dark energy grenades or something Loki planted, but it goes 
off and a ball of energy surrounds him and disintegrates him 
while he screams like a hellbeast.

Thor runs to Loki and cradles him in his lap, yelping that he’s 
such an IDIOT for not listening to him. Loki gasps that he 
knows and he’s sorry. Thor does the standard “stay with me” act 
and tries not to cry. He says he’ll tell Odin about what Loki 
did here today. Loki says he didn’t do it for Odin. Then he 
goes still and his skin starts turning black. Thor screams.

And then Thor and Jane are making their way up the hill again 
while the entire world seems to crumble. Jane says Malekith is 
going to unleash the Aether and destroy everything. Thor is 
like I KNOW BUT I JUST LOST TWO THIRDS OF MY FAMILY CAN I HAVE 
A MINUTE? No, actually he just asks how Malekith is going to do 
that. Jane says she had a vision of him going to Earth, but she 
doesn’t know why he would do that. Because all sci-fi assumes 
Earth is the most important planet of the universe?
   Chrissy: Well, unless it’s in the way of an 
   interplanetary byway.

Thor thinks it has to do with The Convergence. Jane bemoans 
that none of this would have happened if she hadn’t discovered 
the Aether.
   Chrissy: No. It’s all your fault, Jane.
Thor thinks Malekith would have gotten it anyway and possibly 
even sooner. She says she only found it because she was looking 
for Thor anyway.
   Chrissy: No, don’t put that on him!
She moans that they are trapped here now. Aaaaaaand that’s when 
the annoying hip hop song that is Jane’s ringtone now starts 
playing. Jane looks at Thor like ‘the hell’ and he says it 
isn’t HIM. Yeah, because I’m sure that was a likely 
possibility.
   Chrissy: Well, it could be a good ringtone for Loki.

Jane answers her phone warily because how the hell is it still 
working in this weird sideways universe? It’s her boyfriend, 
rambling about the crazy day he’s having. She’s marveling at 
the fact that the phone is even working because it’s not like 
Thor is The Doctor and can magically make these things work 
across all of time and space. Can he? Richard asks if this is a 
bad time because he could try calling her later... Jane yelps 
absolutely not DO NOT HANG UP THE PHONE. He’s like oooookay. 
Still a weirdo then. Well, I’m a masochist, so would you like 
to try going on a date again sometime? She says yeah, sure and 
Thor’s face twitches because she has her phone on speaker. She 
keeps walking around, holding the phone up and stumbles on a 
pile of the stuff they were throwing in that warehouse that 
didn’t come back. She picks up the keys and gestures for Thor 
to follow her. Richard says he’s losing her and asks if she’s 
going into a tunnel.
   Chrissy: Not really, but Thor is hoping he might be in 
    the near future.
   Diandra: Sigh.
   Chrissy: What?
Thor asks why there are so many shoes in this part of the cave 
just before Jane walks them through a portal. And now Richard 
loses the connection. He mutters that he’ll just text her.

Now back at the warehouse, Jane climbs into the damaged, 
graffitied car she now has the keys to again. Thor manages to 
cram himself into the passenger seat. He asks casually who this 
Richard guy is then. “Really,” she asks, annoyed. Hey, it was a 
legitimate question.

So Jane bursts in on Darcy dressed like a Viking princess, Thor 
trailing after her dressed like...Thor. He hangs his hammer on 
the coat rack by the door while Darcy rants that Jane can’t 
just LEAVE them like that while the whole world is going crazy 
and hey, what’s with the outfit? Did you go to a Renaissance 
festival or something? Jane freezes when she sees Erik sitting 
at a computer. He jumps up to hug her and reveals that he’s not 
wearing pants. Yeah, I do that all the time when I’m working at 
my computer, but THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND. Jesus. He notes that 
she’s obviously been to Asgard. She notes that he isn’t wearing 
pants. Ian pipes up that he claims this helps him think. Yeah. 
Sure. Jane is like okay, whatever, I don’t have time to worry 
about that. Give me everything you’ve got on the Convergence 
and gravitational anomalies. Thor asks if Erik is okay. He says 
yeah, great. Um...your brother didn’t come with you, did he? 
Thor gulps and quietly announces that Loki is dead. “Oh, thank 
god,” Erik says. Um...dude? Thor frowns and he backpedals and 
offers lame condolences.
   Chrissy: But seriously, fucker mindraped me. 

Darkworld, which is apparently in a permanent state of eclipse. 
We pan over to an Asgardian soldier just as the magical shimmer 
seems to disappear around him.

Asgard. The same soldier approaches Odin to announce that he is 
bringing news from the Dark World. There’s no sign of Thor or 
the “weapon”, but they found a body... 
   Chrissy: And none of this is at all suspicious.
   Diandra: Nope. Although I didn’t notice it the first 
    time.
   Chrissy: I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t notice 
    Frigga died the first time either.

Jane has reached the conclusion that Malekith is planning to 
fire the Aether at the spot where all the nine realms are 
converging. Erik adds that this increases the impact of the 
weapon because the power increases exponentially with each 
additional world. So basically, he could easily wipe out the 
whole universe. Well, he did learn from the best. EXTERMINATE! 
EXTERMINATE!
   Chrissy: How long were you holding on to that one?
   Diandra: Oh, let me have this.

Thor points out that the Convergence is a temporary phenomenon 
and he would have to be in the exact right spot at the exact 
right time to be successful. Darcy asks where that would be 
exactly. Erik jumps up and says they can find it because this 
happened once thousands of years ago and the ancients 
documented it. The Mayans, the Egyptians and the Chinese “made 
use of the convergence”. He draws lines between Stonehenge, 
Snowdon and the Great Orma on a map. The lines all intersect in 
Greenwich. Jane is like that’s nice, but at the moment of 
convergence the walls between worlds will cease to exist 
entirely and basically all of physics and gravity will become a 
vague suggestion. “The very fabric of reality is going to be 
torn apart.”
   Chrissy: Why do I feel like the director and the special 
    effects guy popped boners over that description when 
    they read the script?
   Diandra: EEEEE!!!! This is going to be awesome! 
    Wait...what’s our budget again? Do we have enough after 
    the Jane as Bad Wolf meets Starchild sequence to go all 
    out on that?
Thor’s hammer flies into his hand like ‘yes, I’m READY’ and 
Erik says he should get his pants.

Greenwhich. Darcy is snapping instructions at poor Ian to 
hammer the...whatever things all around the site so Erik and 
Jane can activate them from the tower. Ian protests that they 
are taped together. “Do you even know what these things do,” 
Darcy asks. Ian says no and she admits she doesn’t either. They 
go to hammer one in by the water as Malekith’s invisible ship 
touches down, plowing right through the courtyard they are in 
and forcing them and a bunch of other civilians to scatter. It 
keeps going for effectively a city block, tearing up pavement 
and blasting a statue to pieces. A pod coasts down the spine of 
it and Malekith saunters out, flanked by several dozen minions. 
A hole forms in the sky overhead. And then Thor flies up and 
lands right in front of Malekith in his hero pose.
   Chrissy (singsong): Here I come to save the day!
   Diandra: With even more destruction.
   Chrissy: Eh. They must be used to it by now in the 
    Marvel verse.

Malekith chortles that he shouldn’t have bothered coming here 
because “death would have come to you soon enough.” Thor starts 
marching toward him and continues the posturing bullshit by 
basically saying ‘oh, really, who is going to kill me? YOU? 
Ha!’ Malekith sneers that his world was never meant to be and 
he plans to correct that mistake now. He slings several 
tendrils of Aether at Thor, throwing him back.

Up in the tower, Jane is frantically trying to calibrate 
devices or something. Erik asks if she’s sure this will work. 
Well, if it doesn’t nobody has much time to worry about it, do 
they? He reminds her that the devices they’re using were meant 
to DETECT anomalies. They’re trying to use them to CAUSE one.
   Chrissy: Eh, just reverse the polarity. That usually 
   works.

Thor gets up and gets knocked back down by another blast. He 
gets up again and this time braces so he just gets shoved 
backward but manages to stay upright. “You know, with all that 
power, I thought you’d hit harder,” he blusters like a big dumb 
jock. Malekith starts whipping up the Aether and Thor throws 
the hammer into his chest, knocking him across the square, 
through a couple columns and into a parked car out front. The 
hammer boomerangs back and he launches over to the car, using 
the hammer to electrocute Malekith as he’s getting up.

Jane peeks out the window at Darcy and Ian getting the last 
device in place. Darcy gives her a thumbs up. 

The hole widens, looking almost like a black hole eating away 
the atmosphere. Erik announces that the Convergence will be in 
full effect in seven minutes. Jane says they just need to keep 
Malekith busy for eight minutes then. She pushes a button on 
her device and several of Malekith’s men snap right out of 
existence. Darcy asks how she did that. She starts rambling 
about gravitational weak spots and Darcy interrupts like ‘yeah, 
whatever, get that guy over there!’ Jane turns a knob and Darcy 
and Ian disappear. She looks down and says “oops.”
   Chrissy: They will be missed. Not by me, but by 
   somebody, I’m sure.

Darcy and Ian reappear in a street somewhere. A dark elf slams 
into a car next to them and Ian screams like a little girl. 
They run.

Malekith sends another blast of Aether at Thor, who slides 
under it like he’s stealing third. He goes to whack him with 
the hammer, but Malekith disappears like he was sucked into a 
portal, reappearing a few feet further back and blasting Thor 
back.

Jane and Erik run through the library where everyone is gawping 
out the windows at the action outside. Jane yells that they 
need to get OUT of there NOW. One kid says yeah, right, have 
you looked out there? That’s THOR! We have a front row seat to 
the action this time! Outside, Thor hits Malekith and the shock 
wave blasts all the windows they are watching from. 
   Chrissy: Yeah, okay. Right behind you, whoever you are.

Thor and Malekith go flying, taking a few cars with them 
through a portal to the Dark World. 
   Special effects and stunt teams: you want us to 
    coordinate a bunch of cars and two guys – not in the 
    cars - rolling down a sandy hill in dim lighting?
   Director: And then going over a cliff and disappearing 
    into a wormhole, continuing the fall in sunny Greenwich 
    and then disappearing again. Yes.

I think they’re back in the Dark World again. The cars are back 
in England, screwing with some innocent driver’s insurance 
companies. 
   Insurance agent: And you say the other car just appeared 
    out of thin air overhead?
   Poor schmuck: Thor.
   Insurance agent: Oh. That explains everything. But we’re 
    not going to cover you.
Thor throws the hammer at Malekith and it disappears through a 
sudden wormhole and flies around by the Tower of London before 
shooting right into space.

Malekith goes to hit Thor and they fall through another 
wormhole right onto the St. Mary Axe building. The hammer spins 
around and returns to its master.

Some military pilots approach the mothership parked in the 
middle of the square and fire missiles at it. They miss and 
start panicking as they completely lose control of their 
planes.

Jane is trying to get her suddenly not connecting device to 
work as she and Erik are running.

Thor and Malekith briefly wind up on some sort of ice planet 
with a giant lizard creature that attacks them. Because why the 
hell not?
   Chrissy: I get the feeling the FX guys are just working 
    down a wish list now.
   Diandra: Can we find a way to work in a tornado or 
    something? 
The Godzilla attacks and all three of them disappear down 
another portal.

Darcy and Ian are running from Dark Elves when Godzilla 
intercepts and eats one of them. The elves. Not Darcy. 
Unfortunately. Ian suddenly picks up a car and smashes a group 
of descending elves with it. Um...what? When did we establish 
that he has superhuman powers? Or is this some weird 
exaggeration of the phenomenon where, for example, a mother can 
exhibit a random burst of superhuman strength in order to save 
her child from danger? 

Jane gets her doohickey working and they stop so she can 
disappear the elves chasing them. Darcy and Ian appear 
simultaneously, mid kiss, her dipping him backwards 
ridiculously. Jane is like ‘um...guys?’ Darcy drops Ian 
unceremoniously.

Thor lands in the underground station at Charing Cross. He 
turns to the train spilling people onto the platform and asks 
how he can get to Greenwich. The bug-eyed woman in front says 
it’s three stops away on this train. He climbs on and grabs the 
rail next to her. When the train starts, the jolt sends her 
careening into his chest. “Sorry,” she mutters.
   Chrissy: No, you’re not.
   Diandra: Please excuse the fact that I seem to be 
    feeling your chest plate here. I swear I’m just trying 
    to find my balance again!

Malekith is back by the ship in Greenwich. The holes in the sky 
overhead now look distinctly like planets. He marches up onto a 
mound of rubble by the ship and raises his arms, sending the 
Aether swirling up the ship through the first portal.

Thor arrives to find swirling chaos. Jane runs up to him, 
declaring that they are too late. Erik confirms that the 
Convergence is currently at its peak. Thor looks at one of the 
devices in Erik’s hands and asks if they can stop Malekith. 
Erik is like yeah, but not from this distance. Thor grabs them 
and charges ahead. Jane watches his progress on her device 
screen.

Thor finds Malekith in the eye of the storm and calls his name. 
Malekith turns like ‘oh, for fuck’s sake, YOU again?’ His face 
has taken on a dark, scaly look and his voice is deeper and 
more resonant. “Darkness returns, Asgardian,” he booms. “Have 
you come to witness the end of your universe?”
   Chrissy: No, Mister Bond, I expect...wait, that doesn’t 
   work.
Thor says the same thing he said to the troll: that he is ready 
to accept Malekith’s surrender. He tosses one of the devices 
and Malekith catches it. Jane’s device beeps and she twists the 
knob, making Malekith’s arm disappear. He looks down at it like 
‘huh’. Thor throws another device/spear and it embeds in 
Malekith’s other shoulder. This time Malekith screams as his 
other arm is ripped into the Dark World without the rest of 
him. Then he turns to Thor like ‘it’s just a flesh wound!’
   Chrissy: I’ve had worse. 
   Diandra: Come on then, you pansy! I’ll bite your ankles 
    off!
   Chrissy: I think we may have just reached a new level of 
    dorkitude.

Actually, Malekith just laughs at the idiot Asgardian who 
thinks he can stop him because “the Aether cannot be 
destroyed”. To illustrate this point, his arms grow back. 
Except now they are David Tennant’s arms.
   Chrissy: Too bad he didn’t get his hair instead.
   Diandra: Eh, doesn’t matter. He still wouldn’t be 
    ginger.
   Chrissy: You like how I totally set you up for that joke 
    despite not really understanding it because I don’t 
    watch “Doctor Who”?
   Diandra: I’m just glad you didn’t try to go in a more 
    perverted direction, honestly.
   Chrissy: Yeah, well, I thought if we were changing THAT 
    body part we wanted to upgrade right to Matt Smith’s, 
    if the sonic screwdrivers are any indication.
Thor says maybe not, but Malekith can be. He summons his hammer 
and, while it is flying across town again, charges toward 
Malekith in slow motion to heroic music. He leaps into the air, 
the hammer zips into his hand and he slams it into Malekith’s 
chest. Malekith shoots backward and is pinned to his ship, 
still planted in the middle of the square. Jane twists the knob 
on her doohickey and he disappears, along with all the swirling 
chaos, but NOT the ship.

Jane emerges into the square to find Thor face down in the 
middle of the destruction. The ship starts tipping over for 
some reason and she runs to pull him from under it. Of course 
she’s not really strong enough to do much more than flip him 
over because he’s built like a freaking tank. So she flings 
herself over him instead because fuck it SHE DOESN’T WANT TO 
LIVE. Eric, Darcy and Ian appear and watch in horror as the 
ship goes to crush them. 

And then we cut to the funeral where Darcy, wearing an old 
timey hat with a veil, tells everyone through snotty tears that 
Jane died defending them all. Yeah. Not. Just seeing if you’re 
paying attention. Actually, the whole ship disappears, 
teleporting to the Dark World where Malekith ended up and 
falling on top of him instead. 

Eric, holding Jane’s device, grins and asks if everybody is 
okay then.
   Chrissy: Why didn’t they just teleport the whole ship in 
    the first place?
   Diandra: Because this is more dramatic. Duh.
Thor opens his eyes for a second then seems to pass out again. 
Jane sags into him. Darcy and Ian show their relief by 
returning to their frantic liplock.

We pan over all the destruction the battle left behind and are 
amazed, once again, that the people in this universe put up 
with this bullshit that causes millions of dollars worth of 
damage every other month.
   Chrissy: On the plus side, they probably have the BEST 
   excuses for not going to work. 

So back at the apartment, sometime later, Jane, Eric and the 
newly minted obnoxious couple are having breakfast. Darcy 
breaks the awkward silence by announcing that “he” will come 
back. Then she has to add that of course last time it took him 
two years, so... Jane says it’s only been two days. Eric asks 
if he said anything before he left.
   Chrissy: Yeah, ‘you’re crushing my ribs. Get off me.’
Jane says yeah, he said he had to work some stuff out with his 
father because, you know, he kind of committed treason. She 
goes back to eating while the rest of them stare uncomfortably 
at each other.

Asgard. Odin is apparently mid-rant. “You once said there would 
never be a wiser king than me. You were wrong.” He says the 
Alignment brought all the realms together so they all could 
watch him try to sacrifice himself. Thor agrees that he cannot 
be king of Asgard but will instead act as guardian of all the 
realms – something he can’t do from a throne. He notes that for 
all of Loki’s “imbalances”, he understood that much better than 
Thor. Odin kind of cocks his head at him and doesn’t try to 
stop him as he rambles about how the brutality of battle 
changes you. “I’d rather be a good man than a great king.” Odin 
finally asks if this is him talking or his girlfriend. Thor 
notes that sometimes when Odin speaks he hears his mother’s 
voice. 

Odin sighs and slumps into his throne as Thor adds that he 
isn’t doing it for Jane. She doesn’t even know what he was 
intending to do. He says it wouldn’t matter if Odin forbid him 
from seeing her or welcomed her into the family as queen, it 
wouldn’t change his decision. Odin grumbles that he had one son 
who was practically chomping at the bit to get the throne and 
one who won’t even take it when it’s offered. “Is this my 
legacy?” Thor says Loki died with “honor” and vows to live with 
just as much, which he thinks is legacy enough. Yeah, you do 
remember who you’re talking about, right? That’s kind of a low 
bar. Odin kind of nods. Thor holds out the hammer, but Odin 
waves at it and says it belongs to Thor as long as he is worthy 
of it. He says he can’t give Thor his blessing or wish him 
luck. 

Thor nods and starts to turn. Odin adds that he can’t even say 
whether he is proud of the man his son has become. Because, you 
know, that would be mushy. Thor smirks, thanks him and saunters 
off. Once he’s most of the way down the really long hall out of 
the palace, Odin morphs into Loki and purrs “no, thank YOU.” 
   Chrissy: It puts a bit of a spin on the conversation 
    when you know he was really talking to Loki all along.
   Diandra: Yeah, I try not to overthink things too much 
    when we’re talking about a universe where people gain 
    superpowers by being exposed to radioactive waste. 
    Although, apparently with these particular movies they 
    are trying to infuse more realistic science into the 
    crazy bullshit. If I remember correctly, Bruce injected 
    himself with something that turned him into the Hulk, 
    making his story something closer to Jekyll and Hyde. 
    So yeah, while Loki is still unpredictable and a few 
    monkeys short of a barrel I can see where he might be 
    realizing that he underestimated Thor and is actually 
    able to acknowledge that, even if it is his birthright, 
    he isn’t really worthy of the throne. Won’t stop him 
    from taking it anyway. I suppose there’s also the whole 
    part about Thor telling Odin exactly what he promised 
    about Loki dying honorably and Loki telling Thor that 
    Odin loves him which may or may not be a reflection of 
    his wish that Odin would love him just as much.
   Chrissy: ...well, at least you’re not overthinking it.

And on that, we smash to the credits where we play “how many 
mid credit scenes did Marvel cram into this one?”

Mid credit scene. Ah, fuck, it’s the annoying pixie from 
“Guardians of the Galaxy”. She leads Sif and NotGimli through 
what looks like a demented museum to Benicio Del Torro in full 
Hunger Games Capitol person costume and makeup (because I guess 
he and the Jeff Goldblum character are brothers). She says his 
name is Taneleer Tivan, aka The Collector. The Collector makes 
fanboy noises and says it’s an “honor” to meet the Asgardians. 
He bows flamboyantly. Sif says he knows why they have come. He 
says sure, but...uh... “why not keep it secure in your own 
vault?” NotGimli says the Tesseract is already housed on Asgard 
and it’s not really a great idea to keep two “infinity stones” 
so close to each other. The Collector is like ‘yeah, that makes 
sense. Cool.’ He accepts a container from Sif and vows to keep 
it safe in his collection. Sif and NotGimli leave in a cloud of 
wariness. The Collector holds up the device and says “one down, 
five to go”.
   Chrissy: I thought there were seven.
   Diandra: That’s Horcruxes.

Post credit scene. Jane is sullenly playing with her cereal at 
the breakfast table. This time she is alone at the table even 
though everybody else is in the house. Thunder rumbles in the 
distance and the teleporter beam appears on the balcony. She 
runs out and Thor steps out of the beam and kisses her like a 
hero in a romance novel.

Elsewhere in London, the beast that came through the portal 
chasing after Thor and Malekith bounds across a parking lot, 
eating birds out of the air. Um...maybe somebody should do 
something about that?
   Chrissy: Nah, it’s fine. Don’t bother Thor while he’s 
    finally getting some.
   Diandra: Okay, so which one is next?
   Chrissy: [pulls up flowchart] Captain America: The 
    Winter Soldier. [groans] Do I have to?
   Diandra: No, I’m okay with skipping that one. If I 
    remember it was pretty boring and long.
   Chrissy: Okay, well, the next one after that is 
    “Guardians of the Galaxy”.
   Diandra: ............I’ll get “Captain America”, you get 
    the NoDoze.