"Thor 3: Ragnarok"

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston, Cate Blanchett, 
Tessa Thompson, Mark Ruffalo, Jeff Goldblum, Idris Elba, Karl 
Urban, Anthony Hopkins, Taika Waititi (because nobody can stop 
him apparently) and Rachel House

With an appearance by Benedict Cumberbatch because we have 
given up on confining characters to their own movies as well as 
Luke Hemsworth, Sam Niel and Matt Damon because we have also 
given up any pretense of this being a serious movie

Previously in the Marvel Universe...um...okay, previously in 
the Thor movies...nope. Never mind. Nothing that has come 
before this has much of any bearing on this movie whatsoever. 
Just forget everything.
   Chrissy: Shouldn't be a problem for you.
   Diandra: Why do I keep inviting you?
   Chrissy: Because you are a glutton for punishment and 
    who better to provide than a dominatrix? Also, I 
    brought schnapps.
   Emilio: And I brought beer.
   Chrissy: We'll start with that.
   Diandra: Ugh. I'm getting flashbacks of "The Final Problem". 
    It even has Benedict Cumberbatch and a never before 
    mentioned evil sister.
   Chrissy: Well, this should be better than that.
   Emilio: Or at least a little less divorced from reality. 

So after the usual Michael Giacchino themed title card sinks 
into red smoke, we open on a pretty typical artist's rendition 
of Hell. Because even though this really doesn't bear much 
resemblance to the mythology version of Ragnarok, the same 
elements still have to be present.
   Chrissy: This isn't the Norse Mythology version, though. 
    It's the comic version.
   Diandra: Oh, you mean the one where Ragnarok was a known 
    cycle of death and rebirth and this cycle was triggered 
    by Loki and his half-dead daughter Hela? 
   Chrissy: That similar, huh?
   Emilio: Yeah, that's the 616 universe version. The Civil 
    War #3 version was Ragnarok as a cyborg clone 
    supervillain created because the writers killed Thor  
    and readers really wanted him to come back.
   Diandra: Oh, is THAT where that came from?
   Chrissy: So is there any version of the comics where it 
    looks like this?
   Emilio: Eh...sort of? 
   Diandra: This is why I felt confident in my ability to 
    fuck with the timeline when I was writing my fic.
   Chrissy: I thought you didn't like it when we constantly 
    bring up your fics during recaps?
   Diandra: I figure I'm not getting around it here, so I 
    might as well just lead with it.
   Chrissy: Okay, cool. So you won't mind if I ask when 
    you're planning on finishing that story?
   Diandra: Don't push your luck.

We close on a ball thing dangling from the ceiling that was 
looks like a leftover prop from one of the Pirates of the 
Caribbeans. "Now, I know what you're thinking," Thor intones. 
"Oh, no! Thor's in a cage! How did this happen?"
   Emilio: Ah, nope. Don't care.
He non-answers that sometimes you have to get captured in order 
to get answers from people. We focus on him chained up inside 
the cage as he rambles about how it's a long story, but he's 
kind of a Big Deal since he saved Earth a couple times. But 
then he went looking for "some magic, colorful Infinity Stone 
things" that he didn't find and blah blah nobody cares and he's 
talking to a skeleton who might have been an actual person when 
he started talking. 

Something rattles and the bottom of the cage drops out 
suddenly, sending him spinning like a Cirque du Soleil reject 
through the air until the chain around him stops unraveling, 
two feet above the ground. He spins slowly around until he is 
facing the Devil/Abaddon, or, as he is known in the Marvel 
verse: Sutur. Sutur is slouched on a throne, cackling that he 
has the Son of Odin stung up like a Christmas goose. Thor 
marvels that Sutur is still alive because he could have SWORN 
Odin killed him, like, half a million years ago. Sutur says 
yeah...uh...I can't die until I fulfill the prophecy and 
destroy Asgard. 

Thor starts rambling about all these dreams he's been having 
recently about Asgard burning with Sutur standing over the 
ruins. Sutur is like 'yeah, that would be Ragnarok. The great 
prophecy that...' Thor says wait a minute and the camera cuts 
to him slowly spinning to face away from Sutur. "I'll be back 
around shortly. I really feel like we were connecting there." 
Because this is Taika's signature: scenes that look like 
outtakes. When he is facing Sutur again, he prompts him to talk 
some more about Ragnarok. Sutur starts speaking in riddles 
about his crown being reunited with the eternal flame, 
restoring him to his full glory. "I will tower over the 
mountains and bury my sword deep in Asgard's..." "Hang on," 
Thor says as he spins the wrong way again, conveniently 
stopping Sutur before can say anything that doesn't belong in a 
PG-13 movie.
   Chrissy: Ahem. Yeah. I assume Freud would be all over 
    that shit?
   Diandra: I don't think you need Freud to work out the 
    subtext in that one.

Sutur watches, seething, while Thor spins back to face him 
again, rambling about how he isn't even MOVING and WHY DOES IT 
KEEP DOING THIS? Sutur sighs heavily. When Thor is facing him 
again, he says okay, so...you have to put your crown in the 
eternal flame and grow as big as a house? Is that what you're 
saying? Sutur is like BIGGER THAN THAT YOU, NINNY.
   Chrissy: Well, I'm sure you THINK so.
   Emilio: They always do.
Thor points out that the Eternal Flame is kept locked away by 
Odin on Asgard. Sutur says yeah, well...Odin isn't on Asgard 
right now. "And your absence has left the throne defenseless." 
Thor ignores this part to focus on asking where the crown is 
then. Sutur points to the horns on his head and says it's the 
source of his power. Thor is like 'cool. So I just have to rip 
that thing off your head and I can prevent Ragnarok then?' 
Sutur chuckles and says stupid Asgardian...Ragnarok has already 
begun and he can't stop it. He stands and lumbers toward Thor, 
dragging a flaming hot sword behind him. He gets right up in 
Thor's face and rambles about how they will all bring about the 
end of Asgard and "all will burn". Thor is like 'cool as it 
might be to watch you grow really big and burn an entire 
planet...uh...pass. Also, I'm taking that "tiara" of yours and 
putting it in the vault.'

Sutur repeats that he can't stop Ragnarok, so there's no sense 
trying. Thor says yeah, but..."that's what heroes do." He 
flicks his hand - tied behind his back - and makes a face when 
nothing happens. They stare at each other for a beat and Thor 
apologizes for not timing that hero moment right. There's a 
series of crunching sounds in the distance, getting closer 
before Mjolnir blasts through the nearest wall and Thor breaks 
from his chains and catches it, riding it a few yards away and 
landing in a (totally impractical) hero pose.
   Emilio: Are we bringing Deadpool references into this 
    now?
   Diandra: Might as well. This movie is halfway to having 
    the same irreverence.
   Chrissy: Eh...it's more like Guardians of the Galaxy. 
    But that brings to mind another question: why are we 
    not recapping Deadpool?
   Diandra: Because I'm pretty sure there would be no point 
    in doing a recap wherein all the jokes are done for us 
    and there's really nothing for us to add?
   Emilio: Oh, I'm sure we could think of something.

Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" starts playing as Sutur sneers 
a standard bad guy line about "Odinson" having made a big 
mistake here. Thor is like 'eh...did I? It must be Meday.' He 
starts getting less confident as some sort of creature snarls 
at him from the shadows and minions start swarming out of the 
walls and the depths of the cave toward him. He fights them 
back, Mjolnir turning into a blur as he spins it around and 
pulverizes several. He totally clears the area by jumping in 
the air and slamming down, hammer first, creating a shockwave. 
Sutur growls like 'guess I have to do this myself' and sends a 
stream of flames toward him. Thor spins the hammer, creating 
some sort of force field that basically serves the same 
function Doctor Strange's shields did in a nearly identical 
scene. Except Thor somehow breaks through the stream and slings 
toward Sutur, whacking him with the hammer. Several times. From 
different angles. He finally manages to knock the crown off 
after climbing a pillar and leaping onto Sutur, but since the 
camera cuts away we don't really see how that worked any better 
than anything else he was doing.

He uses the chains to strap the crown to his back, looks at the 
minions still crawling out of the cavework, and calls to 
Heimdall to pretty please help even though they haven't spoken 
in a while and he's been kind of off grid. Nothing happens.

We cut to the Asgard transit station where Heimdall used to be 
posted. Except Evil Mirror Bones is there instead, raving (with 
his natural Kiwi accent) about how Heimdall was an idiot for 
not using this job to make himself rich.
   Emilio: Nice "Star Trek" reference.
   Chrissy: That's one of the references she NEVER has a 
    problem with.
   Diandra: Yeah, I'm a Trekkie. Bite me.
There are two women listening to him brag about how he can 
access anything in the nine realms via the Bifrost. He waves at 
the pile of stuff off to one side that he stole and grabs a 
couple rifles out of it, saying these are his favorites. He got 
them from a place on Midgard called "Tex-ass" and he named them 
"Des" and "Troy". Oof. There's a lot to unpack there and I 
don't have the energy. Moving on.

Thor is still fending off minions. The creature in the shadows 
turns out to be a dragon and it breaks free of the chains and 
lumbers toward Thor. 
   Chrissy: Oh, does it talk? Because I bet it would have 
    Benedict's voice.
   Diandra: I appreciate the joke, but considering the 
    movie we're talking about here I would put my money on 
    it having Taika's voice. 
He blasts through to the surface of the planet and calls 
Heimdall again. Still no answer. The ground starts rumbling all 
around him and the dragon bursts to the surface, picks him up 
in its teeth and shakes him around like a baby rattle. He drops 
Mjolnir onto its lower jaw and jumps back as this causes it to 
crash to the ground, pinned. He yells to Heimdall to PRETTY 
PLEASE IF THIS IS ABOUT THAT COMMENT HE MADE IN THE BAR HE WAS 
DRUNK AND HE'S SORRY!

On Asgard, the women look at the podium from which Thor's voice 
is faintly drifting and ask "Skurge" if maybe he should get 
that. Skurge is busy proving that using those shake weights 
really does make you look stupid. He realizes he has an 
opportunity to demonstrate for the women what the Bifrost can 
do and grabs the giant sword, plunging it into the center of 
the podium.
   Chrissy: Not as impressive as when Sutur does it, but...
   Diandra: But a lot more impressive than that jerk off 
    motion he was just making.

Thor grabs Mjolnir back and flies away, the dragon giving 
chase. Just as the dragon is catching up and getting ready to 
clamp its jaws around Thor, the Bifrost appears and - after a 
brief title card and music that sounds like it was ripped from 
an 80s fantasy soundtrack - Thor lands in the transit station. 
The dragon's head flies out behind him, spraying green fluid 
all over Skurge and the two women. The head slides to a stop 
beside the women and the giant tongue flops out and they run 
away squealing like ninnys. 

Skurge rounds on Thor like 'dude. Thanks for the cockblock. Not 
cool.' 
   Chrissy: You were ignoring the rather impressive, 
   sexually suggestive act of activating the Bifrost so you 
   could impress them by playing with some shake weights. 
   You didn't have a chance.
Thor is like 'and you are?' Skurge is offended that Thor 
doesn't remember him because they fought together on Vanaheim. 
Thor is like 'oh yeah, I remember now' except his expression 
kind of indicates that he doesn't. He asks where Heimdall is. 
Skurge says nobody knows because he's a traitor and a fugitive 
now. Odin charged him with negligence of duty, but he went AWOL 
before the trial. You know, because he can see fucking 
everything so he can only be found if HE wants to be. Thor 
starts walking away before Skurge is finished. Skurge protests 
that he has to announce Thor's arrival. Thor just spins the 
hammer and flies toward the city. Skurge sighs and starts 
running after him.

Thor lands in front of the palace and frowns at the giant 
statue of a Christ-like Loki that has appeared since he left. 
There are also horns on the building behind him, but I think 
you can only notice that for a split second while he was still 
in the air so he probably didn't see it.
   Chrissy: I think there were horns on the Bifrost too. 
   Diandra: Were there? Oy.

He wanders over to where a play is just wrapping up. Two actors 
are melodramatically recreating Loki's death scene from "Dark 
World". The actor playing Thor is Liam Hemsworth (aka, not the 
one who married Hannah Montana, the other one) because hey, one 
brother is as good as another, right? And the actor playing 
Loki is Matt Damon because of course he is.
   Emilio: He is in everything right now. 
   Diandra: Often in a surprise guest role. Like this.
   Chrissy: So, fun thought exercise: how does this 
    character relate to the character he played in 
    "Deadpool 2"? Is he just a doppelganger?
   Emilio: As I recall, they don't really look alike. Plus, 
    if you go there you have to address the whole Johnny 
    Storm/Captain America thing.
   Chrissy: God, I almost forgot about that.

"Thor" yells at "Sif" to go get help and the ninny some poor 
casting director saw fit to play the most badass woman in 
Asgard goes running off shrieking. This is the only time Sif 
will be mentioned in this entire movie. Or ever again, 
apparently. Odin is watching the play lounged out on a plush 
couch eating grapes like fucking Caesar. Here's your first 
sign. "Loki" apologizes for trying to rule Earth and the whole 
thing with the Tesseract and that one time he tried to turn 
Thor into a frog. "Thor" just gushes about how wonderful Loki 
is and how he's the savior of Asgard and they will build a 
giant statue in his honor. The real Thor frowns at this and at 
Odin eating grapes and grinning like '.......the fuck happened 
since I left?' "Loki" wants to make sure the statue has the 
helmet with the big horns that are totally not compensating for 
anything. Then they get back to more familiar dialogue where 
"Thor" vows to tell Odin what he did and "Loki" says "I didn't 
do it for him" while "Odin" mouths the words along with them 
from his Caesar perch. "Loki" dies and "Thor" wails while a 
choir sings from the wings.

"Odin", who is played by Dr. Alan Grant, arrives to act as 
Greek chorus for the audience.
   Chrissy: Is this another selective nerding thing?
   Diandra: Hey, we all know Jeff Goldblum is in this movie 
    so at least ONE "Jurassic Park" reference was 
    inevitable.
He talks about how Loki gave his life for them by fighting back 
the Dark Elves and bringing peace to the realm.
   Chrissy: All he asked is that he be worshipped in the 
    way he truly deserved.
A child wearing blue body paint ambles out and "Odin" talks 
about how he found this blue skinned boy all those years ago on 
a "frostbitten battlefield" and he never dreamed he would one 
day be the savior of Asgard. He just saw a little icicle "that 
melted this old fool's heart".

Everyone applauds except Thor, who is still trying to figure 
out how he wandered into Bizarro World. As the crowd starts 
dispersing, he greets dear old daddy, who chokes on a mouthful 
of wine, mutters "oh, shit" and then stammers out an 
announcement that his son Thor has returned and isn't that 
great? There's some scattered applause like a somewhat 
sarcastic "yay." Thor asks what that play they were just 
watching is called. "The Tragedy of Loki of Asgard," Odin says, 
quickly adding that the people wanted to commemorate Loki and 
who was he to argue? Thor says yeah, sure. Nice statue, by the 
way. Looks even better than the real thing was. "A little less 
weaselly. Less greasy maybe." I'm going to assume he's saying 
this to prompt a reaction. Which brings me to this: when 
Anthony Hopkins was told how he would be playing this scene, he 
said something along the lines of "sure, I can do that!" and 
then apparently decided to ham it up as much as possible. He 
responds here by basically getting huffy and giving Thor the 
stink eye.
   Emilio: [inaudible mumbling] I have an OSCAR, damnit.
   Diandra: Yeah, for 15 minutes of scenery chewing as 
    Hanibal Lecter. So this is EXACTLY what he does best, 
    really.

Thor holds up the crown he has schlepped all this way and asks 
if "Odin" knows what it is. "Odin" identifies it as Sutur's 
skull, a weapon. Thor hands it to some lackey with instructions 
to go put it in the vault. This whole exchange serves no 
purpose now, but is obviously necessary for later, so. "Odin" 
nervously asks if Thor is planning to return to Midgard then. 
Thor says nah...see...he's been having this dream lately about 
the fall of Asgard. "Odin" suggests maybe his imagination is 
getting away from him and he should just try drinking warm milk 
or something. Thor says he thought of that, but when he went 
exploring a little he found the nine realms had devolved into 
chaos and the enemies of Asgard assembling and plotting to 
destroy it while "Odin" is busy organizing public performances 
and generally not caring about anything beyond Asgard. "Odin" 
says he was just respecting their freedom and independence. 

Thor tosses his hammer past "Odin" experimentally, just a few 
yards before it boomerangs back. "Odin" stammers that he was 
busy with a shitload of meetings. Thor asks if he's really 
going to make him do this. "Do what," Odin asks innocently. 
Thor throws the hammer off into the distance and reminds "Odin" 
that nothing will stop it from returning to his hand once he 
summons it. He grabs "Odin" by the scruff of the neck and 
thrusts him forward. "Odin" starts babbling that he's gone 
insane and doesn't he know he could be executed for this? "Then 
I'll see you on the other side, brother," Thor growls. "Odin" 
cries uncle, changes back into Loki and Thor shoves him aside 
before the hammer snaps back into his hand. Everyone acts more 
surprised by this than they have any right to be. I mean...how 
stupid are the people of Asgard? Really?
   Emilio: Yeah, that was weird. Did they really think Odin 
   suddenly decided to build a giant statue to the adopted 
   son who attacked Midgard?

Loki freezes for a second, then recovers and turns to Thor with 
a smile like 'um heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy, dear brother. What's up?' 
Skurge stumbles up and starts a formal announcement of Thor 
between gasping breaths but doesn't get very far before 
Princess Loki whirls on him and snaps "you had ONE JOB." Thor 
is like 'whatever, back to the most pressing question, which is 
what the hell did you do with the real King of Asgard.' Loki 
rants at him that everything was just FINE but of course the 
golden boy had to go and ruin everything by crashing the party. 
Thor starts storming toward him, forcing him to stumble 
backward onto the couch he had been lounging on before, 
babbling about how Thor should be happy because he had his 
independence and he was free and... Thor presses the hammer 
into his chest and he yelps that he knows where Odin is.

And then because this movie is paced like it was written by a 
child with ADHD, we flash quickly to the Bifrost opening and 
then we're back on Earth.
   Chrissy: Like?
   Diandra: Haha. Yeah. 

Thor and Loki are standing in front of a retirement home called 
"Shady Acres" that is in the process of demolition. Thor is 
wearing the jeans and trucker jacket outfit he was wearing in 
the post-credit scene of "Doctor Strange" and Loki is wearing a 
three piece, entirely black suit. Loki is like 'yep. That's 
where I left him. Only then it was actually, you know, 
standing.' Thor is like 'yeah, you ever notice how all your 
plans turn to shit?' Loki snaps that he can't see into the 
future. "I'm not a witch." Thor asks why he dresses like one 
then. I would say this is a reference to the fact that in some 
version of the comics, Loki in female form is the Scarlet 
Witch, but I'm not sure it isn't just a throwaway joke.
   Chrissy: Scarlet Witch? So where did you get Lorelei 
    from?
   Diandra: She's a seductress Loki used to distract Thor. 
   Chrissy: Huh. Did that work out any better than the 
    horse thing?
   Emilio: Not really.
   Chrissy: Didn't think so.

Thor decides now is a good time to bring up his anger about the 
fact that Loki turns out to be alive after dying in his arms in 
the last movie. "I mourned for you. I cried for you!" Loki is 
like 'um...thanks? I guess I should mention that I didn't do it 
purposefully and I really thought I was dying? No? We're 
pretending that was never the way it was supposed to really go? 
Okay.' A group of girls descends on them, one asking if Thor 
could take a picture with them. Loki rolls his eyes while the 
groupies pose for a selfie with the golden boy. Then one girl 
expresses sympathy that Jane dumped him.
   Chrissy: Quick! We can't get Natalie Portman! What's the 
    fastest way we can explain her out of the movie?
   Diandra: I mean...you could just not bother at all like 
    you did with Sif.
   Chrissy: Who?
   Emilio: At least it's better than her death in "Revenge 
    of the Sith".
   Diandra: She...died?
   Emilio: Giving birth to Luke and Leia. Yes. Except Leia 
    said she remembered her in "Return of the Jedi", so...
   Chrissy: Which is exactly the sort of inconsistency 
    you'd expect from a franchise that has been going on 
    for decades.
   Emilio: Well...typical of George Lucas too. Though at 
    least he was consistent in his inconsistency.
   Diandra: Hold on, back up a second. Luke and Leia were 
    twins?
   Emilio: .............she's kidding, right?
   Chrissy: I really can't tell anymore. 

The girls flitter away and Thor mutters at their retreating 
backs that she did NOT dump him. He dumped her. Or it was 
mutual. Something. Loki pats him on the back like 'hey, at 
least she didn't write a song about how clueless you were to 
not realize your relationship wouldn't work out and then put it 
on an album that WILL BE ADVERTIZED ALL OVER THE PREVIEWS OF 
THIS MOVIE.'

One of Doctor Strange's firey string portal things starts 
forming on the sidewalk immediately around Loki. Loki looks at 
it in alarm. Thor asks what the hell he's doing now. Loki 
swears he isn't doing anything and yelps as he drops into a 
void. The portal closes, leaving a business card that Thor 
pokes warily, calling Loki's name like maybe this is a trick 
and he turned himself into a piece of paper. He picks up the 
paper and the camera focuses on it to show that it isn't so 
much a business card as Doctor Strange's address written in 
fancy script. Giacchino's theme from that soundtrack plays a 
little except some idiots online insisted it was actually the 
theme to "Sherlock" because I guess everything Benedict ever 
does has to be related in some way to that one show.

So Thor goes to the address on the card and bangs on the door 
of the Sanctum twice. The third time he is teleported right in 
and ends up swinging his fist through the air. He blinks at his 
surroundings and Stephen appears, floating in mid-air, at the 
other end of the room while Thor has his head turned. He gets 
Thor's attention by saying his name and flies toward him. Thor 
holds up the umbrella he's carrying like it is a weapon and 
Stephen is like 'yeah, you can put that down.' An umbrella 
stand appears next to him and Thor kind of smiles and slowly 
places the umbrella in it. 

There's a poof of light and they're both suddenly in the 
Sanctum's artifact room and Stephen is leaning against a table 
on the far wall looking annoyed.
   Chrissy: He went through a time warp and had a fight 
    with Loki just now.
   Diandra: Oh, you are awake.
   Emilio: Was that before or after they fucked?
   Diandra: You're not helping, Emilio.
   Emilio: Oh, I didn't know I was here to HELP. Sorry.
   Chrissy: You're not. Don't pay any attention to her. And 
    it was during.

Thor picks up a metal thing from a display and notes that Earth 
has wizards now. He tries to put it back and it clatters to the 
table along with several other metal things. Stephen is like 'I 
prefer to be called Master of the Mystic arts and STOP TOUCHING 
THAT.'
   Emilio: Well, why did you bring him into the room with 
   all the breakable stuff in the first place? 
Thor is like yeah, that's what I said. Who are you, WIZARD, and 
why did you summon me? Stephen introduces himself and says he 
has some questions for Thor. If he'll just sit down. There's a 
whooshing sound and Thor ends up in a chair in ANOTHER part of 
the Sanctum with Stephen sitting across from him. 
   Chrissy: Will you quit showing off?
   Diandra: No. I am a drama queen.

And now we're caught up to the mid-credit scene from Doctor 
Strange, which we play all over again. After Stephen determines 
he can make the Asgardians go away by helping them find Odin, 
Thor asks why he didn't just call if he knew where Odin is. 
He...didn't say he knew where he was, did he? He said he'd help 
find him. Except the writers seem to have gotten confused 
between movies here because Stephen is now saying that he spoke 
to Odin, who insisted on remaining in exile and not being 
disturbed. The fuck?
   Emilio: He never said he DIDN'T know where Odin is 
    either. It's possible he was just leading Thor into 
    promising to leave first.
   Diandra: Right, but...it still seems like there was an 
    abrupt shift in the conversation with reference to 
    something nobody actually said.
   Chrissy: Speaking from experience, I'd say this is 
    exactly what having a conversation with someone who has 
    attention deficit disorder is like.
   Diandra: ..........oh.

Stephen says besides...Thor doesn't have a phone, so... Thor 
admits that he doesn't, but patronizingly says Stephen could 
have still sent an "electronic letter. It's called an email".
   Stephen: Yeah. Do you have a computer?
   Thor: No, what for?
   Chrissy: You could have sent a carrier pigeon! Honestly, 
    it's like you weren't even TRYING!
Stephen makes a face like 'oh, dear god, save me from this 
idiot', which Thor is oblivious to as he argues that Odin is no 
longer in exile, so he can come home now. Stephen says sure, 
he's in Norway. 

There's a woosh and they are transported to the library in the 
sanctum where Thor wobbles and spills his refilled glass of 
beer while Stephen calmly flips through a book, muttering about 
the incantation possibly requiring modification for Asgardians. 
He snaps it shut, declares "nope!" and teleports them to the 
attic...or somewhere. Except because Thor was leaning on the 
bookshelf, the whole shelf comes with them. Stephen says 
'whoops, we didn't need that' and teleports them back to the 
library, at which point Thor is so dizzy that he knocks the 
entire top shelf of the bookcase down. He staggers over to put 
his beer down on the nearest table and asks Stephen to pretty 
please STOP DOING THAT.
   Emilio: No. It's fun.

Stephen, crouched over a book, asks if he can have a strand of 
Thor's hair. Thor sneers that NOBODY messes with his beautiful 
hair, then yelps as Stephen sneaks behind him and just rips out 
a strand anyway. They are transported to the grand staircase of 
the sanctum for no apparent reason while Stephen uses the hair 
to perform what looks like a mystical variation of a cat's 
cradle. Thor is like 'what the fuck is your phobia about just 
WALKING places, dude?' Stephen tosses the string he was forming 
and it makes a portal a few feet away. A cliff scene appears in 
it and Stephen gestures and says Odin is waiting for him. Then 
he reminds Thor to take his "umbrella". Because the umbrella is 
actually Mjolnir, Thor just holds out his hand and they wait an 
uncomfortably long time while it flies toward him, smashing 
absolutely everything upstairs on its way from the sound of it. 

Thor brushes broken glass or artifact remains or whatever off 
the umbrella and belatedly remembers that he had a brother when 
he arrived on this planet and what did Stephen do with him?
   Chrissy: This is where I was kind of hoping that the 
    scene from the preview [which turned out to come much 
    later] of Loki all chained up in a corner somewhere was 
    related to this.
   Diandra: I remember you saying as much when this movie 
    came out. In hindsight though, chains seem too 
    pedestrian for Stephen.
   Chrissy: Yeah, they would have to be enchanted or 
    something.
   Diandra: But basically you were hoping Stephen had tied 
    Loki up somewhere with bondage gear.
   Chrissy: Yeah. Although I think we established with his 
    movie that he doesn't seem to know how to really use 
    that stuff, so...
   Emilio: I'm sure Loki could teach him.
   Chrissy: Is this enough of a fic prompt for you?
   Diandra: Hasn't the whole Stephen-as-Loki's-prison-guard 
    been done at least twice?
   Emilio: What's your point?
   Diandra: You're right. Never mind.

Stephen is like 'huh? Who? Oh...sure...I guess you can have him 
back.'
   Chrissy: I mean, I didn't even get a chance to really 
    break him in, but...
   Diandra: Okay, you can stop now.
   Chrissy: No, I really can't.
He opens up another portal in midair and Loki falls out, 
screaming. He splatters on the floor, flips hair out of his 
face and snaps that he has been falling for THIRTY MINUTES AND 
WHO THE HELL WOULD DARE. Stephen mutters at Thor that he can 
"handle him from here." Loki, peeling himself from the floor, 
is like 'HANDLE me? Who the fuck do you think you are...'
   Chrissy: [interrupting] And then he gets his first look 
    at Stephen and decides he would be perfectly fine being 
    "handled" by him, actually.
   Emilio: I think Loki might be too much for Stephen to 
    handle. He might need help. Maybe he could call Tony.
   Diandra: What the hell is happening here?
   Chrissy: Tony is such a sub, I don't think he would be 
    much help. But then so is Stephen, so...
   Diandra: Can we get back to the recap, or are we just 
    going to keep doing fic prompts?
   Emilio: We can multitask. And Tony and Stephen combined 
    could probably handle Loki. 

Okay, I'm just going to cut the next five minutes of 
conversation involving the sort of devices Tony could build and 
Stephen could enchant to properly restrain a trickster god.

Loki produces knives from nowhere because of course he does, 
sneers about Stephen thinking he's some sort of SORCERER and 
runs at him. Stephen waves the portal to Norway right over him 
and Thor and Loki faceplants in the grass.
   Chrissy: I WILL get my revenge one day. Or I will fuck 
    that cocky smirk off his face. Something.
   Emilio: Both?
   Chrissy: Yeah, both is good.
   Diandra: So are we going to talk about the fact that 
    Doctor Strange is clearly wearing eyeliner now? What is 
    that about?
   Chrissy: It makes him look all mysterious with his 
    cheekbones and his cloak collar.
   Emilio: [clapping] Nice "Sherlock" reference.
   Chrissy: One of us had to do it.
   Diandra: What did you think I was doing with the drama 
    queen comment earlier?
   Chrissy: Oh, you were? I didn't catch that because 
    Stephen is also a drama queen.
   Emilio: It's what Birdbox Bandersnatch does best.
   Chrissy: Don't you start with that.
   Emilio: Start with what?
   Diandra: [gives Emilio a thumbs up]

Anyway.

Odin is standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out to sea 
while seagulls circle overhead. Thor and - after he puts his 
knives away, brushes dirt from his pants and curses that idiot 
human a few times - Loki, approach him. He greets them by 
noting how beautiful this place is. Thor is like er...yeah...do 
you recognize us or has the Alzheimer's set in? Odin says of 
course he recognizes his sons and Loki does a little bit of a 
double take. He says he's been waiting for them and their 
mother is calling him. Thor orders Loki to lift whatever spell 
he put over him and Odin chuckles and says it took him some 
time, but he broke that himself a while back. He turns to Loki 
and declares that Frigga would have been proud and invites them 
both to sit before Loki can cry or something.

They sit on some rocks and Thor starts by saying they have 
"failed" him, but he's pretty sure they can make it right. Odin 
says no, he failed them and now Ragnarok is coming. Thor is 
like 'but...I stopped Sutur...' Odin says no, not Sutur. HER. 
His life force was somehow the only thing holding her back and 
since he is ready to walk into the light or whatever, she's 
coming. Thor asks who, exactly, he's talking about. Odin says 
Hela, the Goddess of Death. Oh, didn't I tell you you had a 
sister? Yeah, she's was a violent psychopath and I couldn't 
control her anymore, so I trapped her in some time warp or 
something and technically she can't do much there, but once she 
returns to Asgard she will be totally unstoppable. Thor babbles 
that they can stop her together, but Odin is like DID YOU MISS 
THE PART WHERE SHE'S ONLY COMING BECAUSE I'M DYING?!

"I love you, my sons," Odin says and Loki looks at him like 
'.........daddy?'
   Chrissy: This was literally ALL I WANTED in the first 
   movie and NOW you finally say it, tacked on the end of 
   an apology that life is about to turn to shit because 
   our evil sister we never knew about is coming?!
Then he cryptically tells them to "remember this place...home" 
and disappears in a cloud of sparkles. Or whatever. I don't 
know how to describe that. Thor and Loki watch the cloud of 
sparkly stardust as it blows out to sea. Thunder rumbles and it 
gets really dark suddenly and Loki is like 'um...are you doing 
that?' Sparks run along Thor's hand and he growls that this was 
all Loki's doing. Which part? 
   Emilio: Whatever. He blames Loki for everything.
   Diandra: Well, like, 99% of the time Loki probably did 
    cause whatever bullshit is going on at any given 
    moment.
   Emilio: True.

A black and green cloud starts forming behind them and they 
apparently decide whatever fight they were about to have there 
can wait. They walk toward it, Loki magically changing into his 
usual Asgardian leather thing and Thor slamming his umbrella 
into the ground to change into his battle armor with the 
umbrella turning into Mjolnir.
   Chrissy: Because Thor is also a drama queen.
   Emilio: Yep.

The ominous tunnel to the underworld, or whatever it is, 
settles on the ground and Cate Blanchett, looking exactly like 
a Goth teenager, saunters out. The tunnel disappears and she 
notes that this must mean daddy is gone then. Thor is like 'so 
you're Hela then?' He introduces himself as Thor, the son of 
Odin. She doesn't see a resemblance. Really? He's literally the 
only child who actually looks like he could be genetically 
related.
   Chrissy: Yeah, Hela and Loki look more like each other 
    than either of them look like Odin. 
   Diandra: I can't tell if that's a reference to the 
    actual story where Loki is Hela's father, the 
    headcannon where she is his birth mother or my fic 
    where Loki is pregnant with her in this scene.
   Chrissy: Does it matter? Those all boil down to the two 
    of them being blood relatives.
   Diandra: Yeah, I guess they do.
   Emilio: There's a theory that Hela is Loki's mother?
   Diandra: Based on the assumption that he's only half 
    Jotun, yeah.
   Emilio: Huh...that actually kind of works.
   Chrissy: Although, honestly, so does Diandra's ficwank 
    of her being his half human daughter if you factor in 
    time manipulation. 

"Perhaps we can come to an arrangement," Loki pipes up and Hela 
is like 'oh, you must also be one of Odin's. Which is totally 
why we look like we could be related.' Then she commands Loki 
to kneel and he's like '..............EXCUSE ME?!' She produces 
a long knife exactly the same way Loki just did when he went 
stabby on Doctor Strange and orders them both to kneel before 
their queen. Thor says 'uh....nope' and slings Mjolnir at her. 
She stops it mid air with one hand, smirks and squeezes until 
it shatters in a small explosion that blows the boys back a 
little. Thor is like 'but......but................
but................'

Hela smooths her hair back into intricate antlers, produces a 
long knife in each hand, and sashays toward them. Loki yelps 
"bring us back" at the sky and Thor yells "no" and tries to run 
toward Hela, not getting far before they are beamed up by the 
rainbow bridge. As they are being shuttled toward Asgard, Thor 
points out to Loki that Hela is right behind them. Loki tries 
to throw a knife at her. She catches it, throws it back and he 
flies screaming out of the beam. Thor lasts slightly longer 
before she tosses him out too. 

She arrives at the Asgard waystation alone, where NotGimli 
seems to have taken over the controls, accompanied by Faromir 
and Skurge.
   Emilio: One of those names was right.
   Chrissy: Welcome to recapping with Diandra.
   Diandra: It's not that bad.
   Chrissy: I distinctly remember you showing me the notes 
    you used for one of the Lord of the Rings movies and 
    bragging that you could go an entire paragraph without 
    using anyone's real name.
   Emilio: Ah, yes. I remember those. Didn't she call 
    Sauron "S-Dog"?
   Diandra: That was Saruman. Sauron was either The Giant 
    Cat Eye of Doom or The Great Flaming Vagina.
   Emilio: Right, which is why I got a text when you were 
    watching "Desolation of Smaug" that read "FUCK BENEDICT 
    CUMBERBATCH IS THE GREAT FLAMING VAGINA!"
   Chrissy: Yeah, that was a fun recap.
Hela doesn't waste any time stabbing NotGimli and Faromir to 
death, cutting off Faromir's demands to know who the hell she 
is and what the hell she did with Thor. 
   Chrissy: That was almost worth bringing them back.
   Diandra: Almost.

Skuge, who was apparently mopping up dragon remnants, kneels 
and pleads with her to spare him because he's just a lowly 
janitor. She's like 'whatever. I'm the new boss around here. 
Wanna be my lackey?' She starts stalking down the rainbow 
bridge toward Asgard.

We pan past the still plugged-in sword out into the universe, 
zooming past billions of stars and star systems while music 
that sounds like it was totally ripped off of a soundtrack from 
an 80s movie plays. We land on a planet that appears mostly 
covered in garbage. So...Earth in some near future timeline 
probably. Thor falls out of a portal in the sky spitting debris 
and plunges into a heap of garbage. He staggers upright and 
frowns at the continuing rain of crap all over the place and a 
giant red, ominous-looking portal in the distance. He narrowly 
dodges a giant chunk of what might have once been a ship before 
it lands on his head and climbs the nearest garbage pile to 
spot a city skyline in the distance.

An alarm blares from a nearby hovering ship, which flies over 
to land in front of him. A bunch of Road Warriors rejects pile 
out and the first one asks Thor if he's a fighter or food. Thor 
is like 'um...I was just leaving if you nice people would point 
me to the nearest exist...' The guy is like 'food. Definitely 
food.'
   Chrissy: Well, you can't blame them. I'd eat him.
   Diandra: That came out kind of creepy, Chris.
   Emilio: Doesn't it usually?
   Chrissy: Hey...
They order him to get on his knees...ahem...and he 
instinctively tries to call Mjolnir before remembering Big 
Sister broke it. So he resorts to fistfighting, which works 
right up until one guy shoots what looks like a net lined with 
tasers over him.

They are distracted from efforts to...beat him into submission 
or something when another ship lands and Tessa Thompson 
staggers out. She takes a big slug from a bottle, tosses it 
into the trash piles and attempts to swagger down the gangplank 
of the ship while announcing that this one is hers, boys. She 
doesn't get very far before falling right off the ramp. The 
savages basically shrug and turn to resume their tenderizing of 
the "food". She staggers upright again and repeats that she is 
staking a claim on this one and anyone who wants him will have 
to go through her. One of the guys is like...uh...dude...we 
were here first. She says fine, she'll go through them and 
activates some robotic arm cannons attached to her ship, aiming 
them at the group and then just blasting them all to shreds of 
meat without asking any more questions. One guy who survives 
tries to take a run at her and she tosses him over a trash heap 
in the distance as effortlessly as Thor did a couple minutes 
ago before the net came out. This is your first clue about her 
identity.

Thor untangles himself from the net and thanks her. She just 
tosses some sort of electrified disc onto his neck and zaps him 
unconscious before dragging him onto her ship.

He regains consciousness as they are zooming toward the city 
when the Exposition Fairy slaps him awake and orders him to pay 
attention because this is important.
   Chrissy: Ah, the Exposition Fairy. Where has she been 
    lately?
   Diandra: I haven't needed her as much since we started 
    recapping whole series.
   Emilio: You could always bring her back for a Deadpool 
    recap.
   Diandra: ..........subtle.
   Chrissy: Nah, Deadpool is his own exposition fairy.
Tessa calls to base, identifying herself as Scrapper 142 and 
asking for "an audience with the boss". She leers at Thor and 
says she found something "special". Thor starts raving that he 
is the son of Odin and he DEMANDS to be taken back to Asgard. 
She's like 'oh, EXCUSE ME, your majesty' and zaps him via the 
thing on his neck again.

Meanwhile, back on Asgard, Hela is striking her best sexy 
murderess pose standing in front of what was probably once the 
outdoor theater we saw earlier. She looks at the amassed army 
in the main square below and introduces herself as Hela 
Odinsdottir, the first born and therefore rightful heir to the 
throne and commander of the Asgardian army. Oh, and she's the 
Goddess of Death. Oh, and Odin is dead along with both of his 
sons ("you're welcome"). The army kneels, all except Hogun. 
Remember him? No? Well, it doesn't really matter any more than 
it mattered if you remembered the two guys she killed the 
minute she arrived even though they had larger parts in 
previous movies. He glares at her while she rambles about their 
former glory as the most powerful people in the universe and 
Odin's mistake of stopping at nine realms. "Our destiny is to 
rule over all others. And I am here to restore that power."
   Chrissy: See? It's not really that much of a stretch to 
    think she's Loki's daughter. 
   Diandra: Yeah, but they probably burned that bridge when 
    they made Loki Thor's younger brother instead of 
    Odin's.

She commands them to kneel before her and join her glorious 
quest for, like, ALL the power even though most of them were 
already kneeling. Hogun is like 'yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhh no. 
Whoever the fuck you think you are: I'm placing you under 
arrest. Come quietly or I'll order the men to attack.' She 
bristles because clearly he wasn't LISTENING to a word she just 
said and she thought they would be happy to see their long lost 
princess. Hogun doesn't back down, so she sighs, smoothes her 
hair back into antlers and proceeds to mow down the entire army 
in a sequence that proves she is ridiculously overpowered to 
the point of total invincibility.
   Chrissy: And can produce an apparently inexhaustible 
    number of knives and swords from nowhere. Loki would be 
    so proud of his baby girl.
   Emilio: On the other hand, if we're assuming they're 
    going with the theory that she is his mother she would 
    be SO disappointed in him.
   Diandra: She actually is speared entirely through by a 
    sword at one point, which is basically how Loki died 
    last time and she doesn't even slow down. So...is this 
    ability to bounce back a power that increases in 
    effectiveness over time and Loki is still discovering 
    it?
   Chrissy: I'm not sure which theory you're exploring 
    there, sweetie.
   Diandra: The one where the neutering of that scene from 
    "The Dark World" in this one by claiming Loki was 
    deliberately faking his death makes about as much sense  
    as if they pull the same stunt to weasel out of his 
    death in "Infinity War". He was originally not supposed 
    to come back. 
   Chrissy: Uh...
   Diandra: So my theory is that his ability to survive 
    death is not something he originally knew he had. He's 
    just always avoided any situation where he could be 
    killed before. He thought he was dying and then he woke 
    up all alone on Malekith's planet figuring he just got 
    really lucky or something. But...wait...this still is 
    assuming that Hela has the same abilities only more 
    controlled over centuries because they're related.
   Emilio: In other words, we're witnessing Diandra's 
    thought process on a future scene of her fic.
   Chrissy: Well, part of that works for cannon too, I 
    think. Basically you're saying Loki hasn't quite 
    figured out he's invincible yet?
   Diandra: Yeah. According to the research I did on comic 
    Loki's abilities, he has a healing ability that makes 
    him nearly impossible to kill. But because he's young 
    here and hasn't seen much - or any - battle...he might 
    not know the extent of his invincibility? Either that 
    or the MCU is ignoring that detail.
   Emilio: Wouldn't be a first.

So Skurge arrives and looks warily at all the carnage. Hela is 
stepping over the bodies and crowing about how much she MISSED 
this even though it does seem like a waste of good soldiers. 
One of the bodies starts moving. It's Hogun, because if someone 
has to get the last word in here it might as well be someone 
who is recognizable to the people who paid attention to the 
last two movies.
   Chrissy: Which doesn't really include you.
   Diandra: Can it.
Hela asks if he's had a change of heart. He snarls at her to go 
back to whatever cave she crawled out of. She cocks her head at 
him like 'guess that's a no then?' He draws his sword and she 
produces a colossal spear and throws it through him, pinning 
him to the ground.

Meanwhile, Heimdall - looking like a cross between Robin Hood 
and that bad ass chick from "The Walking Dead" - crawls up the 
side of the cliff the waystation is built on and steals the 
sword. We don't actually see a closeup of him, but it's clearly 
Idris, so...

Thor wakes up tied to a chair that seems to sense he has 
regained consciousness and begins rolling down a track. "Fear 
not for you are found," a female voice says from somewhere. 
"You are home and there is no going back."
   Emilio: Great. It's a cult.
Thor struggles futilely as the lady continues that nobody 
leaves this place, which is called Sakaar. The 3D screen around 
him lights up with several planets hovering in "space" as the 
current embodiment of the Exposition Fairy explains that the 
planet is surrounded by several cosmic gateways at the edge of 
the known universe.
   Chrissy: Try the restaurant, where the cow invites you 
    to eat it.
   Diandra: And we're back to H2G2.
   Emilio: Did we ever leave?

Exposition Lady says it is the "collection point for all lost 
and unloved things".
   Emilio: Garbage. It's a garbage planet.
   Chrissy: That or it's the mountain overlooking Whoville 
    where that green weirdo who sounds a lot like Doctor 
    Strange lives.
   Diandra: I thought we weren't acknowledging that version 
    exists?
Exposition Lady obviously assumes she is speaking to someone 
who was unloved as she says here he is "significant" and 
"valuable" and "loved" and no one loves "you" more than the 
Grandmaster. A giant Jeff Goldblum silhouette appears alongside 
the track and the skyline we saw when Thor landed pops up 
behind him as Exposition Lady explains that he built this place 
after he himself was cast out and lost and then established 
regular gladiator-like games to pit the "valuable" "loved" 
refugees against each other for shits and giggles. Oh, yeah, 
did she mention that "you" are now the property of the 
Grandmaster? Yeah. Hence why we call him the Grandmaster. And 
"you" will be meeting your new master and savior in five 
seconds, so "prepare yourself".
   Chrissy: Kind of hard when I don't have a hand free, 
    isn't it?
   Diandra: This movie is right in your wheelhouse, isn't 
    it?

Thor screams and it probably sounded like a battle cry in his 
head while the video was still playing all around him, but the 
video stops suddenly and he's just sitting in the middle of a 
room where people are watching him shriek like a little girl. 
He looks around like 'none of you heard that. That didn't 
happen' and struggles while we focus on the Grandmaster looking 
him up and down like a piece of meat. He is flanked by 142 and 
another, more butch "scrapper" who kind of reminds me of 
Emilio's girlfriend. 
   Emilio: Does that make me Jeff Goldblum?
   Diandra: If you're okay with Chrissy flirting with you 
    every time she roleplays Loki, sure.
Grandmaster gushes that this is a fine specimen and asks 142 if 
it's a "he".
   Chrissy: Supposedly.
Grandmaster rambles that he loves when 142 brings him stuff 
because she always brings him the BEST stuff. He tries to 
prompt butch lady - who he dubs Topaz - to say 142 is the 
"best" or possibly the "bomb", but Topaz just calls her trash. 
Grandmaster glares at her and says no and how long were you 
waiting to call her that? Not nice. I would never call her 
trash. I love everybody. I am Garbage Planet Jesus. "Booze 
hag," Topaz mutters and Grandmaster apologizes for her rude 
behavior. He reminds Topaz that 142 brought him his beloved 
champion. Topaz snarls that he's ALWAYS reminding everyone of 
that.

Grandmaster is like 'anyway, back to the script. What is this 
lovely slice of beefcake you've brought me?' 142 says he is a 
new contender. Grandmaster orders Topaz to bring "us" closer 
like he's a pampered monarch and Topaz wheels his plushy throne 
closer to Thor's bondage chair. Grandmaster stares at him for a 
couple seconds, then orders Topaz to pay 142. Thor growls that 
he is NOT FOR SALE and rips himself free of the restraints 
holding him to the chair. 142 just rolls her eyes and triggers 
the zapper on his neck again. He flops into the chair and 
shakes and Grandmaster chortles that this one is a fighter. 142 
says the price is 10 million and Grandmaster orders Topaz to 
transfer the "units". 142 strokes Grandmaster's cheek as she 
walks away and he does an impression of a giggly schoolgirl.
   Emilio: Yeah, I'd probably do the same thing if Tessa 
   Thompson touched me like that.
Thor tries to snarl an impotent threat at her on her way out.

Grandmaster gets out of his chair to get even closer as he asks 
who Thor is, exactly. Thor snarls that he is the God of Thunder 
and raises his arms like he's trying to summon a lightning 
bolt, but all he gets is a little electrical charge sparking 
from his fingers. Grandmaster teases that he didn't hear any 
"thunder" just then, but that sparkly thing was pretty cool. 
And then because it would literally kill us to stick with one 
thing for more than five minutes, Topaz announces that they've 
found the Grandmaster's cousin and they're wheeling Thor over 
so he can observe the reunion for some reason. Thor greets the 
clearly terrified man in an identical bondage chair awkwardly. 
Grandmaster cheerfully asks where "cuz" has been hiding all 
this time while he takes a funny looking staff from Topaz. 
Cousin whimpers that he's sorry. Grandmaster says of course you 
are, Carlo and "I pardon you". He does this while making a pope 
gesture. Carlo whimpers a thank you, but Grandmaster continues 
that he pardons him from "life" and touches the bulbous end of 
the staff to Carlo's chest whereupon he seems to catch fire and 
melt, just slowly enough that he has a chance to beg Thor for 
help.
   Chrissy: Taika would like to remind the audience that 
    this movie is supposed to be FUNNY. 
   Diandra: Yeah, I've had my suspicions about his sense of 
    humor since I saw "What We Do in the Shadows", which 
    featured a long scene of a vampire "comically" burning 
    to death.

Thor is, understandably, screaming in horror. Grandmaster 
whines that the fluids oozing off the chair are getting on his 
shoes. Because he is a raving psychopath. Once Thor stops 
screaming, he introduces himself and tows Thor to what looks 
like a bar where a perpetual party is going on. He repeats the 
whole "I hold Gladiator matches" thing that doesn't really need 
to be stated again, but here we are. Except he admits that the 
participants are not willing and Thor will be one. Thor is like 
yeah, not gonna happen buddy. I'm getting off this shitty 
planet and going back to Asgard. Grandmaster thinks Ass-Gard 
doesn't sound like a very pleasant place.
   Chrissy: Depends on whose ass you're guarding.
   Diandra: How did I know you'd say that?

Grandmaster gets distracted playing with the DJ equipment and 
Thor looks at the group of people sitting on a couch to his 
right, surrounding Loki, who is talking cavalierly about that 
time he let himself fall into a wormhole. Ahem. Yeah, first of 
all, it seems Taika isn't content with keeping the 
inappropriate humor to this movie, he has to retroactively make 
all the serious moments from the last two movies a joke too. 
Second, it should be noted that Loki's new outfit - while 
similar to the one he was wearing when Hela shoved him from the 
Bifrost - is basically entirely blue with a yellow-lined black 
cape. And this is where I need to address a thing Tom did in an 
interview. The interviewer noted that he had several costume 
changes in this movie and asked if there was a "pretty woman 
involved". Tom, possibly misunderstanding the question, started 
rambling about how "Jeff Goldblum" would take Loki out to Rodeo 
drive and let him pick some nice new clothes.
   Emilio: Well, that IS the plot of "Pretty Woman", so he 
    probably understood just fine.
   Diandra: He watched me while I tried them all on and 
    offered input on which ones looked the best and long 
    story short, that's why it's the same color as my eyes 
    and has an easy open crotch flap.
   Chrissy: I love how the entire fandom collectively 
    agreed immediately that this is how Loki got in the 
    Grandmaster's favor.
   Diandra: It's pretty heavily implied that even if 
    nothing actually happened, the Grandmaster is HOPING 
    something might happen. Also, those interviews didn't 
    help. Jeff Goldblum did one where he kept describing 
    both Thor and Loki in terms of food like 'long story 
    short, the Grandmaster is really interested in knowing 
    exactly what Loki tastes like because he's probably 
    delicious'.

Thor starts calling Loki frantically. Loki looks up, gets that 
same "oh shit" expression his Odin mask was wearing earlier, 
and hurries to excuse himself before the others notice, rushing 
over to beg Thor to be quiet. They have a quick little 'you're 
alive?' 'so are you!' back and forth and Loki asks what Thor is 
doing here. Thor points out that he doesn't have a choice where 
he is at the moment seeing as he's restrained to a chair. Loki 
is puzzled by this as he notes that he didn't get a chair. 
So...they didn't put him through that little introduction?
   Chrissy: I assume they only do that with potential 
    gladiators.
   Diandra: So we're assuming there was actually a third 
    option that Thor didn't know about besides "fighter" 
    and "food"?
   Emilio: Maybe the scrapper got to him first.
   Chrissy: Or maybe he said "it depends if I'm pitching or 
    catching".

Thor orders Loki to help him out of the chair. Loki whispers 
that he can't because he's made "friends" with the Grandmaster 
and he really wouldn't like that.
   Chrissy: Uh yeah [cough cough] "friends". With benefits. 
   Diandra: He also adds that he's "gained his favor", 
    which we've already discussed a paragraph ago when we 
    were getting ahead of ourselves.
Loki adds almost as an afterthought that the Bifrost brought 
him to Sakaar "weeks ago", which is how he's had time to weasel 
his way into the Grandmaster's bed...er..."favor". Thor is 
confused by this as he just got here. Grandmaster reminds them 
that he is literally right there by stage whispering "what are 
you whispering about?" He then exposits that time works 
differently on this planet. For example, on other planets he 
would probably be millions of years old and he's not using that 
in the exaggerating teenager sense. "But here on Sakaar," he 
says, then trails off and literally bats his eye lashes at 
Loki.
   Emilio: Pay me a compliment and I'll make it worth your 
    while, if you know what I mean.
   Chrissy: You still owe me one for this morning.

Loki looks at Thor, back at Grandmaster and just purses his 
lips like 'must you do this right now?' Thor looks at Loki like 
'I'm still not sure what's going on here, but I don't like it.' 
Grandmaster says Fabio over here says he's the Lord of Thunder 
or something. Thor corrects that he's the GOD of Thunder and 
Loki can tell him. Loki laughs and assures Grandmaster that 
he's never met this man before. "He's my brother," Thor snarls, 
prompting Loki to change gears abruptly and add "adopted". 
Grandmaster is like 'yeah...didn't ask, don't care.' He asks 
Loki if Thor is a fighter. 
   Chrissy: Well, he's certainly not a lover.
   Diandra: I should have smothered you when I had a 
    chance.
   Chrissy: I was wondering how long it would take you to 
    start playing Thor.
   Diandra: Who said I was?

Thor laughs and offers to show the Grandmaster what kind of 
fighter he is if he'll take the thing out of his neck. 
Grandmaster thinks his attempt at threats is cute. He calls 
Thor "Sparkles" and reminds him that he will have to play nice 
if he wants to get back to this "Assberg" or whatever he called 
it.
   Emilio: Ass-ram.
He says any fighter who defeats his champion gets their 
freedom. Thor sighs and says fine then, just "point me in the 
direction of whoever's ass I have to kick." Grandmaster says 
that's more like it, picks up a giant purple control and motors 
Thor's chair away.
   Chrissy: You didn't tell me you also use that thing to 
    control motorized chairs!
   Emilio: It controls many things, my dear.
   Diandra: Ew.

Thor gets thrown into a hallway that apparently serves as a 
cell. There are several human like creatures and one ugly rock 
monster propped against the walls around it. The rock monster, 
played by Taika because of course he is, tells him to "take it 
easy, man" when he beats on the door with his fists. While Thor 
is looking around like 'oh, dear god, what is this new 
reality', Taika monster introduces himself as Korg, the self 
declared leader of the ragtag group of gladiators. He says yes, 
he is made of rocks, but "you don't need to be afraid unless 
you're made of scissors." The guy next to him with blades for 
arms waves them at him. If you liked that joke, don't worry. 
Taika managed to work it into the script several times in 
different variations, so you'll hear it again. He introduces 
scissor dude as "Miek", a sort of insect creature with 
scissorhands. 
   Chrissy: Missed an opportunity to call him Edward there.
   Diandra: I'm not sure the audience for this movie and 
    that one align anywhere or not.

Thor notes that Korg is a Kronan and asks how he ended up here. 
Korg says he tried to start a revolution but didn't print 
enough pamphlets so hardly anyone showed up. Get it? Because 
paper beats rock.
   Chrissy: [golf clap]
   Emilio: Honestly, I think the best thing to come from 
    this gag was the game of rock, paper, scissors the cast 
    was playing in an interview.
   Diandra: Specifically the part where Tessa responded to 
    accusations of constantly throwing scissors by saying 
    "we're not just scissoring each other over here"?
   Emilio: Yep. 
Anyway, Korg was forced to become a gladiator on trash planet 
as punishment.

Thor starts running away as Korg rambles about how he's 
organizing another revolution now and winds up circling back 
around to Korg again. Korg is like 'oh, yeah, there's nowhere 
to go, so you might as well not waste your energy like that. 
So, are you interested in joining a revolution or not?' Thor 
mutters that this room doesn't make sense. Korg says that's 
fine because nothing on this planet makes sense. Thor sighs and 
asks if any of them have fought the Grandmaster's champion. 
Korg says yeah, Doug has. He calls to Doug, then remembers that 
Doug is dead, as is everyone else who has ever fought the 
champion. Thor asks what about Korg because he's made of rocks. 
As if to answer him, a rock falls off of Korg. Korg says yeah, 
no, he just does the smaller fights to rev up the crowd. He 
asks if Thor is planning to fight him. Thor growls yes and he's 
going to win and get the hell out of this shithole. "That's 
exactly what Doug used to say," Korg says wistfully. As Thor 
never gave a name, Korg dubs him New Doug.
   Chrissy: I love how they're totally managing to avoid 
    Korg saying anything about the grand champion like 
    literally anyone still didn't know who it was by the 
    time the movie came out.
   Diandra: Yeah, it was in, like, all of the previews. All 
    of them. And if you missed those, it's right on the 
    menu screen of the DVD.

Oop. Better haul The Exposition Fairy out of wherever she's 
hiding because there's a shitload incoming. Hela walks over 
some bodies in the main hall and bemoans the fact that nobody 
teaches the Asgardian history she remembers and was part of. 
She is speaking to Skurge, but he's basically just there to 
serve as a sounding board. She stops under a ceiling mural and 
growls about the "lies" depicted such as the ones depicting 
peace treaties with the frost giants and the royal family with 
just the two male heirs. She concludes that Odin was ashamed of 
how he got Asgard to where it was and throws knives at the 
ceiling. The plaster cracks and chunks rain down around them. 
It turns out there was another mural underneath that was just 
plastered over. This one is basically the Old Testament to the 
other one's New Testament. It depicts bloody battles with Hela 
riding a giant black wolf beside Odin on a horse that may or 
may not be Slepenir. Those who know Norse Mythology will 
recognize every character except Odin in that last sentence as 
a child of Loki. I have no fucking clue what their origin is 
here.

Hela rambles about the conquests she helped Odin win to build 
his empire, gathering the realms under his rule. We land on an 
image of her standing beside Odin in the same battle suit with 
antlers she's still wearing, holding Mjolnir over her head. 
Hela concludes that Odin banished her JUST because she became 
too ambitious, which is probably her way of saying 
bloodthirsty. Anyway. Asgardian warriors used to be honored 
with burial underneath the palace, she says before leading 
Skurge underground. 

Skurge drools at the sight of the "treasures" on display that 
he apparently didn't find before. Hela just walks through them 
passing judgement on each. "Fake," she declares, shoving a 
gauntlet that looks a lot like the one Thanos already had by 
this point in the series off a pedestal. "Smaller than I 
thought it would be," she says, walking past Sutur's crown.
   Chrissy: Don't tell him that.
   Diandra: Yeah, guys are pretty touchy about that.
She slows down as she's passing the Tesseract and notes that 
that one is "not bad".
   Chrissy: Just like your mother...father...uncle...
   Diandra: Younger adopted brother you never met. Yeah.
But her real target is the Eternal Flame, which she just sticks 
her hand in, pulling out a smaller flame on her palm. Skurge 
looks like he might be starting to get the idea that this chick 
is crazy, but he LIKES that.

She conjures a sledgehammer and blasts through a part of the 
floor - the flame momentarily disappearing because seriously 
how is she holding the handle with both hands AND a magic 
flame? She turns to Skurge, invites him to come see what "true 
power" really looks like and falls back through the opening.
   Chrissy: Literally everything about her is so similar to 
   Loki that it's no wonder Odin freaked out and lapsed 
   into a coma the minute Loki started turning against him.

We cut to the subterranean level, where Hela does the standard 
(if impractical) superhero landing. She walks down one row of 
the crypt and we focus on the skeleton of one of the bodies as 
she passes. I hate that my brain instantly wants to question 
why the bodies are not in tombs or something or, you know, 
entirely turned to dust as they have to be thousands of years 
old.
   Chrissy: Yeah, there's a lot of suspension of disbelief 
   required for this universe, hon. Pick your battles.
She reaches a large slab where the carcass of a giant wolf is 
laid out and bemoans "Fenris, my darling, what have they done 
to you?" Uh...I'm thinking he died and got a heroes' burial? 
I'm not sure what your beef is here.
   Emilio: Also, that's a strange way to address your 
    brother.
   Diandra: Ahem. Yeah, like I said I have no idea what 
    their relationship to each other is in this universe.

She stops in the center of the crypt over a stone decorated 
with a Triskel, announces that with the Eternal Flame they are 
reborn, and slams the hand holding the flame to the ground. A 
green shockwave spreads out over the crypt. Bodies start 
glowing green and roaring to "life". For some reason the wolf 
returns to his former fully fleshed and furred self though.
   Emilio: Because an undead zombie wolf is just too scary?

Back in the Sakaar magic gladiator holding cell, Thor is saying 
a prayer for Odin in the hope that he finds his place in 
Valhalla. He is halfway through the prayer when Loki's voice 
joins in. Thor turns to face him. "Hurts doesn't it," Loki 
asks. "Being lied to?"
   Chrissy: I'm sorry, you're comparing your dad lying to 
    you about your adoption to...what now?
   Diandra: I don't know. I suspect everyone involved in 
    the story of this movie is an eldest child who just 
    assumes the youngest is being a brat throwing a tantrum 
    when they complain about constantly having to live in 
    their shadow and being treated like the Perpetual 
    Disappointment.
   Emilio: See, this is why you are like Loki, not Nebula.
   Diandra: That's probably a pretty minor distinction.
   Chrissy: Sorry, what?
   Diandra: Emilio and I determined that he and his sister 
    are Loki and Thor and me and my sister are Nebula and 
    Gamora...
   Chrissy: I always thought you and Grace were more like 
    Sherlock and Mycroft.
   Diandra: .............
   Chrissy: Of course, I think we determined in an earlier 
    recap that Loki and Sherlock aren't all that different.
   Diandra: ...........................
   Chrissy: Please stop looking at me like that.
   Diandra: ........................................
   Chrissy: Help me out here, Emilio.
   Emilio: Nope. You're on your own.

Thor picks up a nearby rock and throws it at Loki. It goes 
right through him because he's just a hologram. Loki chuckles 
and says of course he's not actually going to visit Thor in 
person in this pit. It's gross. Thor throws another rock at 
him. He says he couldn't just jeopardize his standing with the 
Grandmaster for FAMILY, sheesh. It took him so long to win that 
psycho's trust.
   Chrissy: I have seen and done things I am not proud of. 
   [shudder]

Thor keeps throwing rocks as Loki suggests maybe Thor could win 
a place at his side too and then when the Grandmaster dies in 
some sort of "accident" that would totally never be traced back 
to Loki, they can rule this shitty planet. Another rock pings 
off the wall behind Loki's hologram, making a temporary hole in 
his face. Loki sighs and asks if Thor is seriously considering 
going back to Asgard because Hela shattered Mjolnir like it was 
made of cheap plaster so she is clearly stronger than both of 
them combined. Thor just stares blankly. Loki says fine then. 
Just leave him here. It's not like he's unfamiliar with being 
alone and unloved.
   Emilio: Oh, you are not unloved, precious. Maybe I 
    should send you through that welcome video after all. 
    Remind you of who loves you and who you belong to. 
    Spoiler alert: the answer to both those questions is 
    me.
   Diandra: Should I be frightened by how easily you just 
    did that?
   Emilio: Did what?
   Chrissy: Is it weird that the only one of the three of 
    us who DOESN'T normally drool over Tom Hiddleston is 
    the one who has to perv over him thanks to the roles we 
    assigned for this recap?
   Emilio: Would you rather be Grandmaster?
   Chrissy: No, I'm fine being Loki.
   Diandra: Yeah, it's the role she was born to play. And 
    it would be really weird if she was flirting with 
    herself.

They stare at each other for a beat before Loki begs Thor to 
say something because he's been silent since Loki got here. 
Thor grumbles that Loki faked his death, stole the throne, 
stripped their father of power and left him on Earth to die, 
releasing the Goddess of Death so this is all kind of his 
fault. Okay, like, half of that is true. Loki is like 'oh yeah, 
well, I hope this champion I've never seen before despite 
hearing a lot about him kills you.' He already bet against Thor 
winning, so..."don't let me down." Thor throws a larger object 
as Loki is disappearing. 

Tomorrow. Er...I guess? The gladiator matches are in full swing 
and losers are being dragged out to jeers from the crowd. In 
the area where the gladiators suit up, Korg whines that there's 
still hair and blood on one of the weapons. He picks up a 
three-prong javelin, calling it a "fork" and asking if Thor 
wants to use it, then making a "joke" about it only being 
useful if you're fighting off three vampires in a close 
cluster. I say "joke" because it literally makes no sense to 
anyone who hasn't seen "What We Do in the Shadows" (also 
directed by and starring Taika) and even then it doesn't really 
make sense. Thor is like 'cool story. Wanna hear one about my 
hammer - the most awesomest weapon ever that my mean big sister 
broke and I'm still upset about it'? There's some inane "humor" 
here that I'm not going to bother with that leads to Taika... 
sorry, Korg...concluding that Thor had a very "special" 
relationship with his hammer and losing it was like "losing a 
loved one". 

Thor is distracted in his pondering of this psychobabble when 
he spots Valkyrie...sorry...Scrapper 42 or whatever.
   Chrissy: 142.
   Diandra: You mean I was actually close? I just always 
    default to 42 when I don't know what a number is.
   Emilio: Because it's the answer to Life, the Universe 
    and Everything?
   Diandra: Exactly.
She is on the other side of a laser fence of some sort. He 
mutters that she's the one who brought him here. Korg says 
yeah, "watch out for those Asgardians, man." I would ask what 
species he thinks Thor is, but obviously the entire point of 
this line even being wedged in here is to reveal to Thor that 
she's Asgardian. He runs over to talk to her and she holds up 
the zapper control she still has for some reason in warning. 
Like, seriously, why is she still the one with the punishment 
controls if she sold him to the Grandmaster? And why am I still 
questioning the logic of literally anything in this movie?
   Chrissy: I believe we've had many talks before about 
    your masochistic tendencies?
   Diandra: Ugh.

Thor assures her he just wants to talk about the fact that 
Asgard is in danger. She sighs and takes a swig of beer, 
flashing a tattoo on her arm at him so he can conveniently just 
notice it now and realize she is a Valkyrie. He rambles about 
wanting to be a Valkyrie, but they wouldn't accept him on 
account of he has a penis and isn't that awesome that there's 
this elite force that is all woman? You know what? I just 
realized that this whole scene is just as poorly written as 
literally anything everyone was bitching about in "Guardians of 
the Galaxy 2". Which is why when he finishes this awkward 
"woke" spew and she asks "are you done" I feel it on a 
spiritual level. Somebody calls "Lord of Thunder" to the arena 
and he begs her to help him. She just waves and starts walking 
away. Apparently deciding that not actively pissing her off 
wasn't working anyway, he calls after her that she must be a 
traitor or a coward because Valkyries swear an oath to protect 
the throne. Her hackles raised, she stomps back to remind him 
that they aren't ON Asgard, they are on Sakaar and she is not a 
Valkyrie (anymore, presumably) and he can go fuck himself 
because this place is like the Hotel California. Get it? 
Because you can never leave?
   Chrissy: Applying Taika's method of joke telling?
   Diandra: That obvious?
   Emilio: I thought it was just a dad joke. 
   Diandra: You know...that might explain it. Like...all of 
    it.

The 80s music starts up again as some guards drag Thor to a 
little room with a chair for the requisite Stan Lee cameo. Stan 
approaches wearing a comically absurd outfit that looks like a 
mockup of alien clothing from the 60s and holding what looks 
like an overly large version of those things you use to grab 
cherries or pickles from the bottom of a jar. He tells Thor to 
hold still because his hands aren't as steady as they used to 
be. Somehow, Thor knows what he's about to do because he vows 
on Odin's beard that Stan will not cut his hair unless he wants 
to feel the wrath of the mighty Thor.
   Chrissy: Sure, Sparkles.
Stan just laughs and pushes a button, causing five mean 
spinning blades to pop out - four rotating ones around one big 
center one - and Thor whimpers and begs "kind sir" to pretty 
please not do this.

We go into the arena, where a giant hologram of the Grandmaster 
is warming up the crowd for the big showdown of the night. We 
see Valkyrie sitting in some sort of floating pod over the 
arena and Loki arriving in the VIP box seat and grabbing a 
martini from a tray.
   Chrissy: Excuse me, I believe I ordered this shaken.
   Diandra: How did I know you would find a way to work in 
    a James Bond reference?
Hologram Grandmaster introduces the "Lord of Thunder" and the 
crowd boos as Thor - hair butchered short with war paint 
stripes on his face - steps into the ring. "Watch out for his 
fingers, they make sparks," Grandmaster says mockingly.

The ground rumbles and puffs of green smoke explode overhead as 
the Grandmaster introduces the "unique creature" that is his 
undefeated champion. Thor puts on a familiar looking winged 
helmet that all the fanboys have apparently been begging for 
for the past...is it four movies he's been in? He stands ready 
with a club and shield and then to the surprise of nobody but 
the Asgardian princes the Hulk bursts out of the not quite open 
door into the arena, a giant axe in one hand and a sledgehammer 
in the other. Thor screams "yes" happily to the confusion of 
the audience and Loki starts backing out of the VIP box, 
muttering "I have to get off this planet". He turns and runs 
flat into the Grandmaster, who is like 'and where do you think 
YOU are going, sweetcheeks?'
   Emilio: I made sure to save you a seat [pats lap].
   Chrissy: Oh, god...ahem. No thanks, I feel a headache 
    coming on.
   Emilio: You had one last night too. And the night before 
    that you said you had to wash your hair. And the night 
    before that you claimed you had food poisoning. I'm 
    starting to think you're just making up excuses.
   Chrissy: You are smiling way too much over there.
   Diandra: I'm just enjoying watching you be on the other 
    end of this for once. 

Loki slumps on one end of a very long couch and the Grandmaster 
perches on the other. Thor waves at the Grandmaster while Hulk 
is playing to the cheering crowd and yells that he knows this 
guy from "work". If this line doesn't really make much sense 
it's because it was literally written by somebody's child. 
Grandmaster looks to Loki, who clears his throat and pretends 
not to notice.
   Emilio: And come closer. I promise I don't bite. Hard.

Thor is like 'hey, buddy, how's it hanging? The rest of the 
guys thought you were dead. Where have you been? Let me tell 
you all about what's been going on in my life right now because 
I haven't whined about my sister breaking my favorite toy in a 
few minutes... Oh, hey, and Loki's not dead again. He's right 
up there in that box trying to make himself as small as 
possible. Wave hello!' And the camera cuts to Tom Hiddleston 
doing an impression of a 404 page not found error screen. He is 
so still that the first time I saw this I had to look at the 
people moving in the background to verify that the film hadn't 
just frozen accidentally.

Thor gushes that he's so happy to see Bruce and Hulk is like 
'me no Banner. Me Hulk. Hulk smash!' Thor rolls clear of his 
first blow and gets batted clear across the arena with the 
second. He gets up, decides 'fine, I guess we're doing this' 
and produces a couple swords in nearly the same manner as both 
of his siblings.

Grandmaster is chortling and applauding and Loki is looking 
nauseous.

Hulk blasts Thor through a wall, the sledgehammer embedding 
beside him. Thor recovers and uses the hammer to slam Hulk in a 
circle halfway around the arena, destroying the wall the whole 
way. Everyone goes quiet like '....seriously? Did he just...?' 
Thor cautiously approaches Hulk as he's pulling himself from 
the rubble and tries Natasha's line: "hey big guy. Sun's 
getting real low." He holds out his hand just like she did and 
Hulk, dazed, starts reaching for him.
   Chrissy: Oh, hey, did she forget to mention that whoever 
   does this to Hulk basically imprints on Banner? Like...
   he's totally going to fall in love with you now.

Thor vows that no one will hurt Hulk anymore. And just as it 
looks like this might actually work, Hulk performs the same 
maneuver he did on Loki in the first Avengers, slamming Thor 
around like a rag doll. The audience cheers and Loki leaps up 
excitedly and yells "Yes! That's how it feels!" He catches 
Grandmaster looking at him funny and claims to be a big fan of 
the sport who just got caught up in the moment.
   Emilio: Hmm...no, I'm just imagining you getting this 
    worked up in a different context. All flushed and 
    unable to control passionate outbursts.
   Diandra: Seriously, I'm so glad you're here, Emilio.
   Emilio: Me too.

Thor rights himself, mutters "screw it" and starts fighting in 
earnest. He hits Hulk a few times with the sledgehammer, then 
uses it to shatter the axe. Hulk starts getting pissed and 
whacks the hammer from his hands, roaring. Thor blusters 
"what's the matter with you? You're embarrassing me! I told 
them we were friends!" There's a little more back and forth 
before Hulk pins him to the ground and pounds him repeatedly 
and I should really rephrase that.
   Chrissy: [snort] Sounded fine to me.
   Emilio: Is this providing inspiration for you, 
    sweetcheeks? Because it's really revving my engine.
   Chrissy: So we're sticking with sweetcheeks, huh?
   Emilio: Yeah, it basically stuck after Diandra sent me 
    that screenshot of Tom Hiddleston's ass with a note 
    that she had a "sudden urge" to grab it.
   Chrissy: She did?
   Diandra: What? No, I didn't. I don't know what he's 
    talking about.
   Emilio: Yeah, I can show you. It's still on my phone.
   Diandra: Okay, now I'm regretting inviting you again.
   Chrissy: Hey, I'm not judging. I'm honestly impressed by 
    any human behavior from you, SHERLOCK.

Loki winces and Grandmaster laughs delightedly as Hulk makes a 
Thor shaped hole in the arena floor. Thor starts having flashes 
of a vision of Odin standing on that cliff in Norway. And then 
suddenly his whole body charges with an electrical overload, 
his eyes going white and he blasts Hulk away from him with a 
bolt of lightning. Nobody has any idea what just happened and 
the audience watches with shocked gasps as Thor gets up and 
stares at his still crackling limbs. They charge at each other 
and meet in the middle with a blast that sends a shockwave to 
the edges of the arena. The audience, fickle as they are, 
starts chanting "thun-der! Thun-der!" As Thor starts marching 
toward Hulk again, Grandmaster decides he's had enough and 
triggers the shock disc on Thor's neck, knocking him out. The 
audience boos, Valkyrie rolls her eyes and Hulk jumps building 
high in the air in what everyone seems to recognize as a 
finishing move. Thor's eyes open as Hulk comes hurtling back 
down toward him and the screen goes black.

We come up again on the Asgard palace where Hela is asking 
Skurge what that pounding noise is. Skurge says um...it's the 
"common folk" banging on the palace gate. They're not really 
happy with the new arrangement and they're forming a 
resistance. Hela just cocks her head and her zombie army turns 
and heads for the gate without any verbal orders. She prompts 
Skurge for some small talk to pass the time, but loses patience 
when he tries to tell her his life history. She says she meant 
to ask about his "ambition". He says he just wants to prove 
himself. She starts rambling about how in the good old days 
royalty had executioners to both literally execute people and 
figuratively help execute the royal's "vision". She mutters 
that of course it was mostly the former and little of the 
latter, but anyway would he like the job? She produces a giant 
axe from thin air and hands it to him.

Together, the two lead the army of the undead soldiers to the 
waystation on the rainbow bridge, finding out too late that the 
sword controlling the Bifrost is gone. She orders Skurge to 
round up all those resistance people he mentioned earlier.

So we cut right to a family running through the woods, being 
chased by undead soldiers and running flat into Heimdall. 
Heimdall politely pushes them aside and dispatches the soldiers 
chasing them like the badass he has always been. When the last 
one has been decapitated and the tree beside him split, he 
apologizes to the family for "that" and says "come on". They 
follow him without question because who wouldn't?

He takes them to a door in the side of a cave, which he opens 
by tracing some runes in the ground. Inside are the rest of the 
people rescued from Hela's takeover. Heimdall assures the 
family they will be safe here.

Back on Sakaar, four women are tending to a shirtless Thor, 
which is probably three more than is necessary. He startles 
awake screaming suddenly and they all scurry in fear.
   Chrissy: Maybe they were preparing his body for burial?
   Diandra: Oh. Yeah, that might make sense.
   Emilio: Would you girls like me to take over for a 
    minute?
   Diandra: No, we're fine.
   Emilio: Are you? The screen has been frozen on shirtless 
    Chris Hemsworth for a few minutes now.
   Chrissy: We're discussing ancient Norse burial rites, 
    how they relate to ancient Greek burial rites and how 
    they might be being interpreted here.
   Emilio: No you weren't.
   Chrissy: Oh, was that just in my head?
   Diandra: Good effort, Chris. 

Thor gets up and staggers around the room a bit, taking in the 
weird décor including a bedframe that seems to be made out of 
the jawbones of a giant animal. He also gives us a good look at 
his physique from all angles.
   Chrissy: Nice that they're at least still making 
   concessions to their female audience even though the 
   rest of this movie seems to have been designed as a 
   giant "fuck you" to them.
He finds his chestplate on the ground and pulls it on.
   Diandra: [grumbling]
He keeps wandering until he is startled by a splash in a dimly 
lit pool. There is a vague Hulk-like outline in the pool. Thor 
is like 'hey, buddy, we're friends again, right?'
   Chrissy: Actually, you're my war prize. That's what 
    those girls were preparing you for.
   Diandra: I...um...wow.
   Emilio: This isn't water. It's lube. 
   Chrissy: Yeah, we figured it would go easier if they 
    just threw you in here, but you scared them before they 
    could finish.
   Emilio: Oh, hang on, I have to switch to the Grandmaster 
    now. You should be grateful. I wanted to just kill you 
    in the middle of the arena, but sweetcheeks convinced 
    me that making you a living sex toy for the Hulk would 
    be more fun. 
   Chrissy: It took a lot of convincing. My knees are 
    killing me.
   Diandra: Okay, um, you guys can keep writing your little 
    fanfic over there while I continue with this recap, hm?

Thor tries to ask how long Banner has been like this, but Hulk 
doesn't really understand the question. "Hulk always been 
Hulk," he grunts. Thor switches tactics and asks how he got 
"here". Hulk, thinking he means the room and not the planet, 
says by winning. Thor notes that it's not exactly a fair fight 
if his opponents are all wearing the same little zapper disc 
the Grandmaster used to take him out, but clarifies that he 
meant how did he get to Sakaar. Hulk makes flying motions and 
noises and says "quinjet". Thor says great...where is that now? 
Hulk climbs from the pool and both Thor and the camera avert 
their gaze upon realization that he is completely naked. He 
walks past Thor and points out the window.
   Chrissy: With his hand, thankfully.
   Diandra: Again, despite appearances, this is not 
    actually a Deadpool movie.

Thor runs to the window to find the jet in a sort of a clearing 
surrounded by garbage while Hulk goes to put on some pants. 
Thor gets excited by the prospect that he can get them out of 
this place and starts rambling about how Banner is going to 
love Asgard. Hulk is like 'nah, pass.' Thor whines that his 
people back on Asgard NEED him so they can prevent Ragnarok. 
Hulk is like 'me exposition fairy now. What Ragnarok?' Thor 
says it's the end of days according to a prophesy and... Hulk 
is like 'nope. Sorry. Don't care.' Thor promises to help Hulk 
get back to Earth if he helps get Thor to Asgard first. "Earth 
hate Hulk," Hulk grumbles. Thor says nah, they LOVE him back on 
Earth. "You were one of the Avengers!" Okay, buddy...a lot has 
happened since Ultron. The status and general likeability of 
the Avengers is kind of murky right now. Thor argues that he is 
Hulk's friend. Hulk says nah, he's Banner's friend. Thor scoffs 
like 'that dork? Nah. You're so much cooler.'
   Emilio: Why does this feel like high school all over 
    again?
   Diandra: Because that's when the writers' maturity 
    became stunted? No, that's not nice.
   Chrissy: It's probably not entirely wrong either.

Hulk repeats that Thor can leave, but he's staying. Thor gets 
petty and makes snide comments about how ugly the décor in his 
room is and they both argue about who won that fight in the 
arena. I seriously don't know what the deal is with this script 
and I am alarmed that something so obviously catering to 
immature boys is considered one of the best installments of 
this series. Thor tries to leave, but is stopped by an 
electronic fence stretched across the entrance to the hall. He 
hits the ground and Hulk laughs like 'yeah, that was funny! Do 
it again!'

So sometime later, Thor is standing at the window staring at 
the jet again when Hulk passes by in battle armor, announcing 
that he's gonna go train. He meets Valkyrie in the hallway, 
calling her "angry girl". Thor just sighs and closes his eyes. 
"Heimdall, I know you can see me. I need you to help me. Help 
me see." 

On Asgard, Heimdall seems to hear him and stops herding 
refugees for a minute. Because he has nothing better to do or 
because this much is actually doable, the next thing we see is 
Thor opening gold-colored eyes on Asgard. Heimdall is standing 
right in front of him, announcing that he can see him, but he's 
very far away. He shows Thor the devastation Hela has done so 
far and fills him in on the plan to hole the refugees up in a 
bunker their ancestors built. But, he says if the garrison 
falls they need to get to the Bifrost to escape. Thor notes 
that that would mean totally evacuating Asgard. Heimdall is 
like 'uh...yeah...if it's between that and total genocide, that 
is probably the option we should go with.' He reminds Thor that 
Hela is actually drawing power from Asgard and therefore 
getting stronger every day this goes on. And once she's done 
with Asgard, she'll start on the other realms. He says they 
could really use Thor's help. Thor grumbles that he's trying, 
but he doesn't even know where he is right now, exactly. 
Heimdall says the planet he's on is surrounded by doorways. "Go 
through one." This answer not being enough for Thor, he asks 
WHICH doorway he's supposed to go through. "The big one," 
Heimdall says and Thor vanishes before a zombie soldier can 
charge Heimdall right through him. Heimdall uses what looks 
like the giant ass sword from the Bifrost control to kill it.

Sometime later, Thor tries to rip off the zapper disc, which 
doesn't work. Hulk is in bed and startles at his yowling. Hulk 
tries awkwardly to cheer up Thor, repeatedly noting that he's 
"sad". Thor raves that he's not SAD, he's PISSED because his 
father died and he lost his hammer. Hulk basically rolls his 
eyes and notes that he is whining. Thor whines that he is NOT 
and kicks a couple random objects around the floor. Hulk grabs 
the last one and throws it at him, yelling at him to stop doing 
that. Thor starts accusing him of being stupid and a horrible 
friend because he's officially out of ideas I guess. Hulk 
throws a blade into the wall beside him and picks up a mean 
looking club. Thor says he was right: Earth does hate him. Hulk 
drops the club and stomps around a little, huffing like a child 
throwing a tantrum. He stomps over to his bed and sits. Thor 
realizes that might not have been his best effort and goes over 
to apologize and retract every mean thing he said, but stress 
that Hulk shouldn't throw sharp things at people like that 
because he could kill someone. Hulk says sorry, but he's just 
so ANGRY. There's a weird little exchange I'm not going to 
bother with before they apparently decide they're cool now and 
Thor says he needs a favor.

Morning. I guess. Valkyrie comes running in laughing and spars 
a little with Hulk because I guess that's just how she says 
hello. She notices that something is off though and her face 
falls when she sees Thor over by the window/wet bar. 
   Chrissy: I thought you fucked him to death days ago!
   Diandra: Or at least sat on him and crushed him.
   Emilio: Or ate him.
She grumbles that he must be "thick-headed" if he doesn't 
understand that someone who ran clear across the universe maybe 
doesn't want to talk to anyone from back home. He says they 
need to talk and appeals to Hulk to make her stay. He's like 
'yeah, sure'. He rips the top jaw bone making up his bed and 
throws it across the room, blocking her path out the "door". 
Thor looks at him like '.........dude' so Hulk adds "please?"

She says fine, walks over to the bar and grabs what looks like 
a gallon jug of whiskey. She says she will listen to Thor for 
as long as it takes her to finish it. She tips it upright and 
Thor begins that Asgard is in danger and he needs her to go 
back with him and help...he trails off as he realizes she has 
guzzled the whole bottle already. She drops it on the floor 
where it shatters and goes to storm off again. "Odin is dead," 
Thor calls after her. And Hela, the Goddess of Death and 
Lesbians has taken over.
   Chrissy: Lesbians?
   Emilio: Assuming you are confusing her with Cate 
    Blanchet...yes. Yes, she is. 
Valkyrie says oh, well, if Hela is back then Asgard is 
definitely already screwed. Thor says he plans to stop her and 
Valkyrie looks him up and down like '..........really?' He says 
well, him, her and the big green guy bouncing a ball repeatedly 
back by his destroyed bed. Hulk is like NO I'M NOT. Thor 
corrects that it's just the two of them then. Team Asgard! 
Valkyrie is like 'not a chance, sparkle boy.'

Thor blocks her from making an escape again and gives an 
awkward explanation of the legendary Valkyries - the elite 
warrior squad that functioned as the royal family's secret 
service. She says yeah, she knows Hela is his sister and she is 
SO DONE with the royal family's bullshit. Also, the last time 
her powers became greater than Odin's, she tried to take the 
throne. He banished her, she tried to fight her way back out 
and he sent the Valkyries to subdue her. This Valkyrie may or 
may not be the only survivor, it's not really clear. She rants 
about her devotion to the throne costing her everything and 
realizing that it is NOT worth it. He says this isn't about the 
THRONE, though, it's about the PEOPLE. THEIR people. She shoves 
him away and he thanks her. She asks what for and he holds up 
the trigger for the disk on his neck.
   Chrissy: Aww. You finally successfully did one of the 
   tricks I taught you.
He figures out how to disable it and removes the disk from his 
neck. How the hell he knows how to do this isn't clear.

He attempts to use reverse psychology on her, inviting her to 
stay and keep helping that psycho find new slaves to battle 
each other for entertainment when she's not drowning in a 
bottle. He gestures for Hulk to pass him his ball and says "I 
choose to run toward my problems and not away from them." He 
throws the ball at the window to punctuate that statement while 
he adds "because that's..." and that's all he gets out before 
the ball rebounds and hits him in the head, knocking him to the 
floor. He bounces back up, shakes it off like 'that was totally 
what I meant to do' and finishes "that's what heroes do." And 
then he jumps right through the window and rappels down the 
side of the building. 

He locates the quinjet in the rubble and, despite it having 
flown halfway across the universe and spending two years in a 
garbage heap, he is able to turn on all the screens and 
controls. He places his hand on a panel and a voice prompts him 
to identify himself. He smirks and says his name. The computer 
bleats and says "access denied". He tries giving his full name 
and title as the god of thunder and it repeatedly denies him 
access. For some reason, he then tries "strongest Avenger", 
which doesn't work either.
   Chrissy: Yeah, not without your hammer, you're not.
   Diandra: Are you being Loki, or...
   Emilio: No, his mouth is too busy for talking right now.
He remembers Tony was the one who set the controls and curses 
him before giving the correct password for his personal access: 
Point Break.

The quinjet hums fully to life just before Hulk rips the back 
end of it off, yelling "friend stay!" He climbs onto the ship, 
smashing a few things without really intending to, and the jet 
powers back down. Thor punches a few buttons on the front panel 
until the last message Natasha sent Hulk back in "Age of 
Ultron" - the one where she begs him to disengage stealth mode 
and come back - pops up in hologram video. Hulk starts punching 
himself and throwing himself around the ship, phasing in and 
out of Hulk mode before collapsing on the floor. Thor goes to 
help him up, doing the "sun's going down" thing again, despite 
the fact that he's about a minute too late for that cue. Bruce 
blinks up at him and naturally his first question is "what 
happened to your hair?"
   Chrissy: This crazy old man cut if off with a weed 
   whacker and promised to give some of it to "another 
   Chris" to use on his face, whatever that means.

He actually says as much...minus the reference to Captain 
America's beard...and Bruce makes sure to note that he looks 
good like that before asking where the hell they are and if 
Natasha is okay. Priorities. Thor is like 'uh.... she's... 
fine?' Bruce asks about Sokovia. Thor is like okay, so... 
you lost two years, apparently. Bruce gathers the giant 
sarong thing around him and pads over to the controls. At the 
security system's prompting, he gives his name and the system 
welcomes him as "strongest Avenger" to Thor's annoyance.
   Chrissy: How very prescient of Tony to program the 
    system with a combination of names and titles that only 
    really pays off in this exact scenario he couldn't have 
    anticipated.
   Diandra: Including the part where Thor identifies 
    himself as the strongest Avenger. It makes no sense as 
    anything more than a throwaway gag. 
   Emilio: You could probably say the same thing about 90% 
    of this movie.
   Diandra: Good point.

Bruce pulls up the ship's log, which plays a video of the last 
few seconds as the plane was crashing with Hulk pinballing 
around the cabin. He asks Thor where they are right now, but 
before Thor can answer, the Grandmaster gets on the city...or 
maybe planet...wide PA system to announce that his "beloved 
champion" has gone missing and he would appreciate if the 
citizens would help find him. Bruce asks who the hell THAT guy 
is. Thor is like uh...the boss? Kind of? You have been living 
in his palace and I'm pretty sure he's fucking my brother. Oh, 
and we fought each other for his amusement in an arena and I 
totally won without even breaking a sweat. The Grandmaster is 
still talking and the boys quiet long enough to hear "the 
criminally seductive Lord of Thunder has stolen him away." And 
no, I am NOT making that up.
   Chrissy: Yeah, he's also hella gay. Did I mention I'm 
    pretty sure he's fucking Loki?
   Diandra: I would comment on the queer coding of another 
    bad guy, but I'm pretty sure basically everybody is 
    queer coded in this movie and Valkyrie's bisexuality 
    was confirmed even if it will never be really mentioned 
    for reasons.
Thor growls that he's the seductive GOD of Thunder, thank you 
very much, and stomps toward the back of the quinjet while 
Bruce has a minor panic attack. Or identity crisis. Not really 
sure. Thor finds some clothes somewhere and shoves them at 
Bruce. Bruce immediately recognizes them as Tony's and asks if 
he's here.
   Emilio: Confirming the nature of the whole Science Bros 
    thing: he knows what Tony's clothes look like even if 
    they're not currently on Tony's body.
   Diandra: Also confirmed by Robert - at a promotional 
    event for "Infinity War" - basically saying "by the 
    way, Mark? I'm leaving you for Benedict. Bye!"

Back in the palace, Loki and Valkyrie approach the Grandmaster, 
flanked by several armed guards. The camera focuses on their 
image in the mirrored floor and pans around dizzyingly to the 
real thing.
   Chrissy: And this is why the women around here don't 
   wear skirts.
Grandmaster greets them by announcing that he is very upset. He 
asks if they can guess who he's blaming for this whole mess 
right now. Loki starts to say something and Grandmaster snaps 
at him to not interrupt. Topaz hands him the baton weapon thing 
he was using earlier and he blinks at her. "Why are you handing 
me the melt stick? He was interrupting. That's not a capitol 
offense!"
   Emilio: At least not for pretty boys I can shut up in 
   much more creative and fun ways.
Topaz and Loki kind of glower at each other like maybe there's 
an ongoing grudge here and that's why she's eager to get rid of 
him.
   Emilio: Well...he is probably stealing her man from her.

Grandmaster says right, so as I was saying. My champion is 
missing and it's all your brother's fault. Loki, calling the 
Grandmaster his "dear friend" asks for twelve hours, which he 
swears is enough to bring them both back in alive. Valkyrie 
announces that she could do it in two hours. Loki amends his 
estimate to one hour.
   Chrissy: Might as well give up. Hers is bigger.
Grandmaster is like 'well, I was thinking of having a big, 
messy, public execution, but I kind of like this little 
competition thing you're offering here.' He sends them off with 
a dismissive little wave.

Once they are out of earshot, Loki asks what that was all 
about. He goes to grab her arm and she punches him in the face. 
He resorts to his fall back: producing a knife from thin air. 
He asks why she would want to help Thor and the jolly green 
giant escape. She mirrors him because apparently all Asgardians 
can produce knives like this and sneers that she's not helping 
anyone. They fight a bit, freezing long enough at one point for 
him to get a look at her tattoo and come to the same 
realization Thor already did and note that he thought all the 
Valkyries were dead. She pins him to a wall with her knee and 
he apologizes for the painful memories she must have. Then he 
demonstrates a power I'm pretty sure we haven't seen him use 
yet in the MCU: jabbing his hand against her forehead to 
trigger a flashback.

In some dream-like underworld or something, Hela faces off 
against a bunch of warrior women riding winged horses. There's 
a lot of slow motion cuts as Hela throws a seemingly unlimited 
number of daggers and bodies pile up on the ground. A woman we 
are just supposed to assume was probably our Valkyrie's lover 
jumps in front of a sword meant for her. 
   Chrissy: So back to the queer coding thing... Like... 
    literally the only reason anyone would assume that was 
    her lover is because Tessa announced her character was 
    bisexual despite the scene that supposedly verified as 
    much being cut.
   Diandra: Yeah, it's not even in the extras. So 
    homophobes can happily disregard that as an unproven 
    theory and ship her with Loki for some reason.
   Emilio: The reason is probably that characters who 
    express hatred of each other usually end up in bed 
    together, but yeah...

Valkyrie falls to the ground, dazed for a second, then launches 
at Loki, pinning him to the ground and knocking him out.

Outside, Thor guides Bruce to a spot away from a crowded 
street, chanting about the sun getting low like he's afraid 
Bruce will just Hulk out again any second now. Bruce finally 
begs him to stop saying that.
   Chrissy: It's giving me a really weird boner!
Thor says he's just trying to keep him calm. Bruce yelps that 
it's kind of hard to stay calm given that he's on an alien 
planet right now. Thor encourages him to think of it as just 
another planet and a new experience. 

Bruce moans that he can feel his neurons firing faster than his 
brain is probably capable of handling. He says this Hulk-out 
was different. He likens it to driving a car. Before he had one 
hand on the wheel and Hulk had the other. This time, Hulk stole 
the keys and locked him in the trunk. Thor is like 'yeah, 
but...you're back now, so...yay!' Bruce says no, see, because 
now he's afraid that if he turns into the Hulk again he won't 
be able to find his way back to Bruce. Especially if they're 
still on this planet that is "designed to stress me out." Thor 
brushes this off because he's working on a plan to get them off 
the planet and he's confident he will succeed. Except...you 
know...they're going to Asgard, not Earth, so if Bruce joins 
them he'll have to add a third planet to his "experience". 
Bruce is like '...........what?' Thor tries to give the 
abbreviated version of his people being in danger if he and 
whoever he can recruit don't fight this powerful being, aka, 
his sister. Bruce says yeah...um...WHAT?! "I don't wanna fight 
your sister. That's a family issue."
   Chrissy: Oh, but you'll slap his brother around like a 
    Damnit Doll?
   Diandra: After he attacked Earth!
   Chrissy: Oh, so you only care about the beings on the 
    one planet then. Okay. Racist.

Bruce doesn't care how evil she is. He's done fighting. Also, 
refer to the previous fear that if he turns into the Hulk 
again, he'll never return. Thor splutters that he's trying to 
build a TEAM and the Hulk is "the fire". "You're just using me 
to get to the Hulk," Bruce says.
   Emilio: Ah...well...he is more...impressive...
Bruce keeps muttering about how Thor is just using him and he 
doesn't care and he ISN'T HIS FRIEND while Thor splutters 
ridiculous and juvenile statements that are completely the 
opposite of what he told Hulk (i.e. he likes Bruce better). 
This whole movie is starting to read like a high school AU 
fanfic.
   Chrissy: He's not cool. He's totally lame. I wouldn't 
    even sit with him at lunch.
   Diandra: Yeah. Like that.

Seriously, discussion point: was this movie written by a middle 
schooler or just an adult with the maturity of one?
   Emilio: Both.
   Chrissy: And what does it say about the audience of 
    these movies that so many people think this was the 
    BEST of the "Thor" trilogy?
   Emilio: Oh, we know the answer to that one. The target 
    audience is teenage boys, remember?

Thor adds that Hulk is a far more useful tool against powerful 
evil beings though. Bruce is like 'yeah, tell me again how 
you're not just using me to get to him?' HE'S THE SMART ONE. 
Thor grumbles FINE, but they have to get out of this place 
anyway, so...let's focus on that right now. He grabs a shawl 
from nearby and starts wrapping it around himself, explaining 
that he's a fugitive and needs a disguise. Bruce is like 'I 
need one too!' and Thor is like 'dude...they're looking for a 
giant green half naked creature. You're fine.' But Bruce is now 
obsessed with this idea that he needs a disguise, so he puts on 
a pair of techie glasses he finds in the pocket of Tony's 
jacket - because I guess he just leaves a pair in every jacket 
he owns - and announces that he'll be Tony.
   Chrissy: He wishes.
   Diandra: See, Emilio? I told you she would play Tony the 
    first chance she got.
   Emilio: Sorry, I stopped listening when he said "Tony 
    and the Gypsy".
   Chrissy: That would make an awesome band name, wouldn't 
    it?

Then Bruce apologizes for picking at the crotch of the pants 
he's wearing because Tony wears his pants "super tight".
   Chrissy: And yet I still can't get Steve to notice.
   Emilio: Is it too late to recap the "Iron Man" movies 
    with Christine playing Tony? Because I'm starting to 
    think you really missed an opportunity. 
Thor starts guiding Bruce around the crowd again and promises 
he will never have to think about the Hulk again after they get 
to Asgard. Someone blows a cloud of green smoke at just that 
moment, right in Bruce's face. It turns out to be coming from a 
parade in honor of the Grandmaster's champion, complete with 
giant masks of the Hulk's face. Comedy.

The two get separated in the crowd and find each other just 
before Valkyrie finds them both. Thor is like 'um...hiiiiiiiii. 
Fancy meeting you here. Yeah, I know I said I was leaving, but 
I got a little...distracted.'
   Chrissy: It happens a LOT. Seriously. Doctors kept 
   trying to convince Mother he should be on medication.
Valkyrie asks what the shawl is about. Thor says it's a 
disguise. She says it's a really bad one since she can clearly 
see his face. He pulls part of the shawl over the lower half of 
his face like 'so there!' She just rolls her eyes and starts 
walking away, nodding to indicate he should follow. 

As he's trailing after them, Bruce rambles about how pretty and 
strong she is and asks if those marks around her eyes indicate 
the number of people she's killed.
   Chrissy: Please. It's one for every hundred I killed.
   Diandra: Oh, come on. You can't be Valkyrie too.
She asks who the hell this guy is anyway and why she feels like 
she knows him. Dazed, he says he feels like he knows her too.

She takes them to the end of a hall and launches into a speech 
about how she has spent years in a drunken stupor in an effort 
to forget her past. She figured this was as good a place as any 
to hide and one day die. Thor is like 'I didn't wanna say 
earlier, but yes, you do drink too much and it will probably 
kill you.' She's like '...um...this isn't that kind of 
intervention, stupid.' She says she's done hiding from her 
problems and has decided she would rather die fighting that 
Hela bitch. So she's joining their team, whatever it's called. 
Thor wracks his brain for something cool sounding, but all he 
can think of is "Revengers".
   Chrissy: We did determine that he was never the brains 
   of any operation.
She makes a face, but he babbles that it makes sense because 
they're both getting revenge for something. Valkyrie is like 
'okay, fine. Whatever. I have a present for you. I wrapped it 
and everything.' She opens the door at the end of the hall and 
we get the scene from the preview of Loki wrapped in chains 
looking embarrassed and Thor is like 'so did you remember to 
get the gift receipt?'

Thor picks up the first object he can get his hands on and 
throws it at Loki, nailing him in the forehead, mumbling that 
he just wanted to be sure when Loki complains that that fucking 
HURT.
   Chrissy: Apology NOT accepted.
   Diandra: I didn't apologize, because the writers are 
    establishing that casual abuse of Loki is funny. 
    Remember that for later.

Loki greets Bruce by first name, which...is that weird? Bruce, 
approaching Loki like he is a poisonous snake, notes that the 
last time he saw him, the Asgardian was trying to kill 
everyone.
   Chrissy: First of all...not Asgardian...
Bruce asks what he's up to now. "It varies from moment to 
moment," Loki growls and Bruce stares wide-eyed like 
dude...last time you saw him you made a Loki-shaped crater in 
Tony's floor. He's really not that scary.

It turns out this is Valkyrie's room. She pulls out a sword she 
was apparently storing just in case and Thor drools over the 
famous Dragonfang, the sword of the Valkyrie. Valkyrie is like 
'god, you're like a child with a shiny object. Can we get back 
to how we get from Sakaar to Asgard waaaaaaaaaaaay on the other 
end of the universe?' She recommends a wormhole just outside 
city limits with a stop for refueling at Xandar. It'll get them 
to Asgard in about a year and a half. Thor is like 'yeah, 
that's one idea, but I'm going to reject it in favor of my idea 
of going through the giant, scary looking wormhole we can see 
through this window here.' Valkyrie is like 'yeeeeaaaaaaahhhh, 
that one's called the Devil's Anus and there's a reason for 
that.'
   Chrissy: It's really hot inside it and you can't get out 
    once it sucks you in.
   Diandra: You're confusing it with the Devil's Triangle, 
    aren't you?
   Chrissy: Possibly.
   Emilio: Also, it smells like shit.
   Diandra: Thank you, Emilio.
   Chrissy: Smells like, sure. But if you get any on you,  
    you definitely did something wrong.
   Diandra: [loud, exasperated sigh]

Bruce is like 'it's called WHAT?!' and Thor defensively says he 
didn't know they called it that. In fact, he didn't know it was 
called anything. He's just naturally attracted to things that 
are big.
   Chrissy: Yeah, tell us again how you like Bruce better 
   than Hulk.
Bruce wanders closer to the window and notes that The Devil's 
Anus looks like a collapsing neutron star inside an Einstein-
Rosen bridge. So...a science fiction writer's wet dream. 
Valkyrie cuts in that if Thor wants to go through that they'll 
need another ship because it will destroy hers. Thor suddenly 
remembers that he is somewhat intelligent when it is convenient 
to the plot and says they'll need one that can withstand the 
"geodetic" force at the singularity. Bruce says it would also 
need "an offline power steering system that could also function 
without the on-board computer." Is...that redundant? Valkyrie 
just wants to make sure it has cupholders because this is 
starting to sound like a suicide mission and if they're going 
to die stupidly she plans to be drunk. Bruce repeats that he's 
still getting a sense that he KNOWS her from somewhere.

Loki, whose brain has been visibly cranking gears for the past 
few minutes, starts to interject and Valkyrie chucks her latest 
emptied bottle at him angrily. He flinches as it shatters on 
the wall behind him, showering him in shards. Instead of saying 
'fine, you don't want my help then fuck you,' he continues that 
he may have...sort of...stolen access codes to the 
Grandmaster's security system. Valkyrie snarkily asks if he's 
suddenly decided to do the right thing. Loki says no, seeing as 
he's no longer the Grandmaster's favorite chew toy, he's hoping 
that he can trade codes and a ship for "safe passage through 
the Anus."
   Chrissy: Sorry, I'm not used to having to beg for that. 
    Also, before you ask, the reason I have fallen out of 
    favor is definitely NOT that he has found a younger, 
    more flexible model.
   Diandra: Mmmmkay. That...actually, that was more 
    restrained than usual for you, Chris.
   Chrissy: Ask my brother if you don't believe I can do 
    it. Last time we saw each other, I help guide him 
    safely through my secret dark passage. 
   Diandra: Yeah, that sounds more like you. 
   Chrissy: It wasn't easy! It was a really tight fit.
   Diandra: Okay, you can stop now.

"You're telling us you can get us access into the garage 
without setting off any alarms," Thor says warily.
   Chrissy: And then guide you through the anus because 
   lord knows you need all the help you can get in that 
   department.
Bruce is like 'hold up, guys, I was talking to him when we came 
in a minute ago and I think he would totally kill us all if he 
had a chance.' Thor is like 'yeah, he's tried to kill everybody 
at some point. You're not that special.' He then launches into 
a story about how once when they were children he turned 
himself into a snake because he knew Thor loved snakes and 
transformed back when Thor picked him up before casually 
stabbing him. Because we all know Loki's love of stabbing 
things is a deeply rooted part of his personality that has been 
there since childhood.
   Emilio: And we know what Freud would say to that.
   Chrissy: That he can't stop thinking about fucking his 
    mother?
   Diandra: I know you're being flip there, but there might 
    actually be a connection between those two thoughts. 
    And any psychologist could make the connection between 
    stabbing and sex. 
   Chrissy: Well, sure. Guys tend to equate all pointy 
    objects with penises. 
   Emilio: And dull ones.

Loki kind of smirks like 'yeah...fun times. Thankfully, I 
finally got over that repressed rage connected to my forbidden 
desire to fuck my adopted brother.' Valkyrie says if this plan 
is going to work, they're going to need to draw some guards 
away from the palace. "Why not set the beast loose," Loki 
mutters.
   Emilio: Okay, but last time you couldn't walk for two 
    days after.
   Diandra: Wow.
Thor tells him to shut up and assures Valkyrie that he has no 
idea what beast he's talking about.
   Chrissy: Unless, of course, he is referring to the beast 
    with two backs, but I'm not sure how that would help 
    here.
   Diandra: Well, we were talking about distracting the 
    Grandmaster, weren't we?
Thor thinks a better idea would be to start a revolution. 
Um...you do understand that those don't happen overnight, 
right?

Back in the holding cell of illusions, Korg points at the weird 
goo under Scissorhands and asks if that's some sort of 
protoplasm or eggs or... He is mercifully cut short by the door 
to the cell blowing open. All the prisoners' obedience disks 
deactivate and fall off at once. Valkyrie steps through the 
doorway with a bazooka in hand and tells Korg that the Lord of 
Thunder sends his best. She tosses the bazooka at Korg, who 
announces immediately that the revolution has begun. Yeah, 
sure. Why not?

And because word gets around insanely fast on this planet where 
time is apparently really slow, the next thing we see is 
Grandmaster ranting at Topaz about how there could possibly be 
a revolution happening. People with weapons run around in the 
background while Topaz explains that all the obedience disks 
were deactivated and the slaves are now armed. The Grandmaster 
objects to her use of the word "slave". Topaz rolls her eyes 
and corrects that they are "prisoners with jobs". He's like 
'see, that's much better!'

Somewhere in a tower, Loki is punching what seems to be an 
insanely long string of numbers into a keypad by a door. Thor 
is casually leaning against the doorframe beside a guard they 
already downed. "Hey, so listen...we should talk," he begins. 
Loki is like euuuuurrrgggg, must we? It's not like our family 
was ever any good at that. He punches the last button with a 
flourish and the door opens. They step through at the same 
time, raising giant weapons...oh, stop giggling, both of you. 
Thor is like 'oh, boys!' and they start firing when the 
soldiers loitering next to a statue of the Grandmaster look up. 
What? Were they on their smoke break? As they duck behind part 
of a wall for cover, Loki says Odin brought them together so it 
seems "poetic" in a way that his death would separate them. 
They continue clearing the room and then Thor covers Loki while 
he drops his gun and starts punching numbers on the next panel.

A door behind them shuts and Thor drops his gun. The door in 
front of them opens and a soldier shoves a gun in Loki's face. 
Thor just karate chops the gun barrel so it shoots into the 
floor, sending the soldier flying toward the ceiling and 
casually walks through the door while Loki watches for the guy 
to come back down.

We cut to them in an elevator and Loki continues that he has 
decided he is probably better off staying on Sakaar, although 
based on what he was saying earlier that is contingent on the 
Grandmaster being removed from power and him becoming the new 
leader. Because we are focusing only on events from "The 
Avengers" and disregarding whatever character development 
happened in the two "Thor" movies on either side of it. Loki 
still wants to rule a planet because he is a megalomaniac who 
was totally not being mind controlled in "The Avengers".
   Chrissy: Oh, the fans who love this movie scoff at 
    people who point out that the writers actually admitted 
    that recently. Like it's a totally unbelievable fanwank 
    and they're just catering to Tom's fangirls even though 
    - as you noted in "The Avengers" recap - you can 
    totally see them setting the stage for that reveal.
   Emilio: They said it in "Infinity War" too. 
   Diandra: Yeah. This is why I tend to have a problem with 
    fanboys.

Anyway. Thor says yeah, this place is right up Loki's alley.
   Emilio: Speaking of right up his alley...
   Diandra: We know. You are intimately acquainted with the 
    territory.
   Emilio: There are plenty of rumors to suggest you are 
    too, THOR.
He points out that the place is lawless chaos, so Loki would 
feel right at home and he could really "do great" in a place 
like this. Loki blinks and asks if Thor really thinks so little 
of him. Thor says nah, he thought the world of Loki and thought 
they'd fight their enemies together forever, but then this 
fanboy took control of the script and... He concludes that they 
are too different and their paths have "diverged" and he is no 
longer sure if there is any good in Loki. 
   Chrissy: Dude.
   Diandra: I know.

Loki, who would probably look more offended right now in a 
movie that wasn't dependent on the idea that he is incapable of 
redemption, agrees that it's probably best if they "never see 
each other again." Thor suggests that's what Loki always wanted 
anyway and pats him on the back awkwardly. Then, after a moment 
of silence, he suggests they "do Get Help." Loki says no, he 
hates it and it's humiliating. Thor asks if he has a better 
plan and, when Loki says no, declares that they're doing it.

So when the elevator arrives at whatever floor, Thor is half 
carrying Loki and screaming hysterically for somebody to get 
help because his brother is dying. The three guards 
conveniently pile up in front of them and Thor throws Loki at 
them, apparently knocking them unconscious immediately. Loki 
climbs back up, grumbling about how much he hates Thor for 
making him do humiliating bullshit he thinks is funny and I'm 
going to move on before I risk getting into a rant about older 
siblings forcing younger siblings to do stupid things and we 
end up making this the longest recap I've ever written.
   Emilio: You'd probably still beat it with Endgame, but 
   yeah. Let's not.

Thor asks which ship it was Valkyrie told them to find again. 
Loki grinds his teeth and points to the "Commodore", a shiny 
gold sporty looking thing. They start walking toward it and 
Loki splits himself in two so his illusion can distract Thor 
while he really goes the other way. They only get a few steps 
before stopping and Thor looks at him and sighs. He turns to 
where Loki has reached a control panel some distance away and 
Loki assures him that this is nothing personal. He's just 
hoping to reap the reward for capturing the Lord of Thunder. 
Thor is like 'yeah, so remember when I patted you on the back 
earlier?' He pulls out a controller and triggers the obedience 
disk he put on Loki's back. Loki hits the ground, spasming. 
Thor decides this is not cruel enough yet, so he hovers over 
Loki to note how very painful that looks and chastise him for 
his dull, predictable nature that he is determined to never, 
ever work on so he will always fall tragically short of his 
potential.

Thor casually tosses the controller over his shoulder, wishes 
Loki luck and leaves him to watch in horror as he saunters 
away, leaving his baby brother to die for all he cares. This 
was the point when I was actively WINCING in the theater the 
first time I saw this and was disturbed to hear the rest of the 
guys in the theater laughing. Because casual torture is funny, 
I guess. 
   Chrissy: Okay, can we talk about it now? Because this 
    whole thing feels totally out of character.
   Diandra: No fucking shit. I mean...I guess this looks 
    like a more modernized equivalent of the part of 
    mythology where Loki is left with poison dripping on 
    his face until Ragnarok, but I thought we weren't 
    following mythology. Also, I'm pretty sure THOR isn't 
    the psycho who came up with that punishment.
   Emilio: Anyone want another beer?
   Diandra: Didn't we have something stronger? Why are we 
    still sober?
   Chrissy: I think we kind of slowed down our drinking 
    when Valkyrie showed up and made us feel awkward about 
    it.
   Diandra: Yeah, that makes sense. But there's no way I'm 
    getting through the rest of this sober, so get pouring.

Thor jumps in the ship and flies it out of the hangar into the 
city. Grandmaster apparently immediately gets on the speaker 
system to announce that the Lord of Thunder has stolen one of 
his ships and his favorite champion.
   Emilio: And my favorite chew toy! Somebody stop him!
He begs everyone to take to the skies and stop him from leaving 
the planet.

One ship immediately gets on Thor's tail and starts firing. 
Valkyrie's ship comes up behind it and shoots it out of the 
sky. Bruce praises her shooting ability from the passenger 
seat.
   Chrissy: I think this part of the soundtrack might have 
    been stolen from "Top Gun".
   Diandra: Or, like, any 80s action movie.

Valkyrie comms Thor to open the bay doors on his ship, then 
flips her hatch and flies underneath the open doors. "I hope 
that you're tougher than you look" she calls to Bruce before 
ejecting him from his seat right up into Thor's ship. Thor 
laughs like the psychopath he is rapidly turning into in this 
movie. Bruce struggles to stand up and make his way to the 
cockpit, shrieking that they should be shooting back or 
something. Thor asks out loud where the hell the guns are on 
this thing. Valkyrie answers that there aren't any because it's 
a "leisure vessel" that the Grandmaster uses for "orgies and 
stuff". Bruce is like "did she just say..." and Thor is like 
'that explains why all the surfaces are sticky. THANKS, Loki, 
for suggesting it.'
   Chrissy: Well, there IS probably I reason I knew about 
    it.
   Emilio: I have pictures of him splayed out on that 
    console you're using.
   Chrissy: You said you would delete those.
   Emilio: And you actually believed me?

In the ensuing chase through the city, one of Valkyrie's 
engines is hit. Valkyrie is like 'fuck it' and gets out of her 
seat, climbing onto the roof of the jet. 

In the orgymobile, Thor and Bruce shriek with horror as her 
ship is blown out of the sky entirely. Then she comes flying 
toward them, catching onto the side. Thor yells at her to get 
in. She says yeah, she will, after she takes care of a couple 
things... She swings up on top of the ship and runs right off 
the back of it, landing on the one behind them and slowing her 
momentum by driving a knife into the hull, splitting it open. 
Basically, take the badass moves Heimdall was doing in "Dark 
World" and multiply by infinity. Thor, realizing he is letting 
a woman do all the heroic stuff without him, decides he should 
go "help" her and hands the controls over to Bruce. Bruce yelps 
that he doesn't know how to fly an alien ship, but Thor insists 
upon this arrangement because he needs to reaffirm his 
manliness or some bullshit. So while Valkyrie turns the guns of 
one ship back on other Sakaarians, Thor just rips pieces off 
ships with his bare hands and actually punches one until it 
falls out of the sky like a goddamn caveman.

Meanwhile, Bruce, unable to believe there really aren't any 
guns on the orgymobile, punches a big button he thinks might 
fire something. Loud music plays, strobe lights light up the 
cabin and fireworks start shooting out of the place that, 
admittedly, was probably meant to fire something more deadly. 
This has the unintended effect of blinding Topaz, who was right 
on his tail, so she ends up flying right into a building.

Thor and Valkyrie finish their little competition over who has 
the bigger dick (spoiler alert: it isn’t him) and land on the 
same ship. Thor tosses the pilot out and Valkyrie steers under 
the orgymobile so they can jump simultaneously back in. They 
have a brief moment where they look like they might kiss before 
realizing it's probably just adrenaline. Bruce announces that 
they're "coming up on the Devil's Anus".
   Chrissy: Well, that is the preferred way to do it.

Korg and the rest of the misfit gladiators arrive in the ship 
bay and Korg exposits that the really big one they're standing 
in front of is their ticket out. Then he nearly steps on the 
controller Thor threw and picks it up, pushing the button like 
'what does this do?' Loki, apparently unnoticed before despite 
not being that far away, groans and thanks him.
   Chrissy: Now if you would be so kind as to help me get 
   vengeance on the asshole who left me here to DIE, I 
   would be ever so grateful.
And then there's a whole chunk of dialogue here that is just 
cringe worthy and pointless so I'm going to skip it. 
   Chrissy: Alcohol kicking in then?
   Diandra: Fuck it. I don't care anymore. Bring on the 
    testosterone fueled insanity.

Valkyrie, with an assist from Thor, flies the orgymobile 
through the shitload of debris falling out of the portal.

And then we just cut back to Asgard, where Skurge is commanding 
the Asgardians to tell him where they have the Bifrost sword 
hidden because come on, this isn't funny anymore. He makes a 
vague threat of "consequences" if it isn't recovered and looks 
pointedly at Hela, standing behind him, dwarfed by the enormous 
wolf laying behind her. Nobody says anything, so Hela points 
into the crowd and two of her undead soldiers drag out a random 
woman while everybody else backs up in terror. Skurge, starting 
to look uncomfortable with this situation, stands over the 
victim with a giant axe. He looks to Hela, who asks what the 
hell he's waiting for. He raises the axe and, before we can get 
an actual senseless execution, someone shouts "wait!" A man 
comes out of the crowd to say he knows where the sword is. 
Whether he's just saying this to stall for time, we don't find 
out yet as we head right back to the heroes escaping Sakaar.

The orgymobile emerges from the Devil's Anus into space. 
Everyone has been knocked unconscious by the pressure of the 
singularity. Or something. I don't know. I've stopped caring 
about logic. They all come awake again and blink at the giant 
floating iceberg hovering in front of them. Jesus, is that 
really what Asgard looks like?
   Emilio: Well, it's really just a simulation on a giant 
    computer controlled by mice, but...
   Diandra: You know, it takes real talent to bring 
    everything back to Hitchhiker's.
   Emilio: Thank you.

As they are flying down the Bifrost bridge toward the city, 
Bruce staggers from his seat and notes that he always thought 
it would look "nicer" and not, you know, like a war zone. 
Valkyrie immediately spots some heat signatures up in the 
mountains Hela is headed toward. Thor says 'cool, drop me off 
at the palace. That'll distract her.' Valkyrie is like 'yeah, 
that might work and will probably get you killed. Are you 
nuts?' He says it doesn't matter what happens to him, he's just 
buying time for the two of them to get all the people off 
Asgard. Bruce is like 'noble as that sounds, how the HELL do 
you expect us to do that?' "I have a man on the ground," Thor 
says cryptically.

Cut to Heimdall looking badass. He announces to the gathered 
refugees that "she's here". Outside, Hela arrives on the other 
side of a deep cliff facing the door to the refuge.

Back at the parked orgyship, Thor, having just made a trip to 
the armory, puts a gun onboard and hands Valkyrie a bundle of 
clothing. He says good luck and starts walking away. She 
replies with "don't die" and the orgyship takes off for the 
mountains.

Inside the palace, Thor picks through the rubble of the fallen 
ceiling, hesitating when he sees his own face - miraculously 
intact - staring up at him.

Hela throws spears into the door and pulls it down so it 
becomes a bridge across the gap so she can just swagger across 
it into the "stronghold", Skurge at her heels. Except the place 
is already empty because Heimdall has escorted everyone out the 
back and they're climbing down the mountain.

Valkyrie finishes changing into her uniform and getting the 
machine gun mounted. Bruce looks back at her from the controls 
and she flashes him a smirk as she aims the penis substitute 
out the window like 'told you mine was bigger.'

Thor sits on the throne and bangs a massive staff on the 
ground, which apparently is loud enough for Hela to hear and be 
immediately drawn back to the palace. She stalks toward the 
throne, her antlers retreating and notes that he's still alive. 
He notes that she redecorated since he's been away. "It seems 
our father's solution to every problem was to cover it up," she 
says through clenched teeth. Thor says nah, he also cast them 
out. Hey, did you hear about the time he took my hammer away 
from me and made me prove myself worthy to wield it again? 
Assngakhveviuhfjghhhhnnnn. Instead of rolling her eyes into the 
back of her head at Thor's ability to make this all about HIM, 
she grabs the opportunity to point out that he never knew Odin 
at his best: when they were conquering entire civilizations and 
slaughtering people. "Where do you think all this gold came 
from," she says. Fair point. And then he had Thor and became 
all benevolent and shit. 

Thor rambles that he understands why she's angry and she DOES 
have the right to the throne, and he keeps saying HE doesn't 
want it, but he just can't let her have it because "you're 
just...the worst."
   Chrissy: Says the heartless bastard who left his baby 
   brother to die a long, painful death.
She's like 'okay, that's it. Get down here.' She puts her 
antlers back on. He gets up and swaggers toward her, saying his 
father told him "a wise king never seeks out war." "But must 
always be ready for it," she finishes before launching herself 
at him. They both charge, weapons raised and...we cut away 
again before any blows actually land.

Heimdall is leading the people down the rainbow bridge to the 
waystation. They stop halfway when they realize it is being 
guarded by Fenris the giant wolf. The wolf growls and Heimdall 
orders everyone to retreat. The wolf charges at them and is 
immediately stopped short by the orgymobile arriving, Valkyrie 
blasting away at him. The refugees don't get very far in their 
retreat because Skurge and Hela's undead army meet them coming 
from the other end of the bridge.

We get a brief interlude of Thor and Hela fighting. She has 
already lost her weapon, but is still wiping the floor with 
him.

Skurge demands Heimdall hand over the sword.

Hela is still kicking Thor's ass, taunting him with the whole 
birthright thing again. And then, when he's down, she swipes 
her re-obtained sword at his face and he yelps, turning toward 
the camera so we can see the oddly blackened area where his eye 
should be because PG-13 ratings have weird, bloodless violence. 
She says there, now he reminds her of daddy.
   Chrissy: So basically, you all have daddy issues.
   Diandra: Yep! And now that the whole merger has made 
    them all Disney characters we can expect a whole lot 
    more of that!
   Emilio: Did you see the thing on Tumblr about how Thor 
    and Loki are technically Disney princes now?
   Diandra: I remember it declaring them Disney prinCESSES, 
    but whatever.

The refugees and the undead are fighting on the bridge and 
Valkyrie is complaining that she can't kill this damn dog. 
Fenris starts charging again and Heimdall stands ready to fight 
him. Bruce sighs, gets up out of his seat and gives Valkyrie a 
little speech about how everything is going to be okay now 
because he's got this and she's about to figure out why he 
looks so familiar. He dives from the ship...

...and splatters unceremoniously on the bridge in front of 
Fenris. The music dies as Fenris stops and sniffs at him 
curiously, nudges him a little, and then just keeps charging. 
Just as he's about to clamp his jaws down on Heindall, Hulk 
grabs him by the tail and flings him back in the direction he 
came, roaring. They tussle a little and fall off the bridge. 
Meanwhile, Valkyrie realizes she's going to have to fly the 
ship now. Because NOBODY IS THINKING ANYTHING THROUGH.

Hela takes Thor to the balcony overlooking the bridge to show 
him just how badly he's failed. Or is doomed to fail. And she 
vows she will get the sword for the Bifrost if she has to kill 
every single Asgardian on that bridge to get to it.
   Chrissy: Er...you would probably only have to kill 
    Heimdall. 
   Diandra: Yeah, and good luck with that.

The refugees are fighting the undead horde. Because even the 
unwashed masses of Asgard know how to handle swords. But since 
one side can't be killed, the odds on the refugees winning 
without some sort of intervention are not good. Valkyrie 
crashes the ship onto the bridge, nearly beheading a few 
refugees on the way down.

Heimdall is wounded and knocked to the ground, an undead 
soldier poised to deliver a death blow when Korg appears behind 
the soldier to blast him away. He pauses to introduce himself 
and Meik to Heimdall and ask if he wants to join them on their 
spaceship. Said spaceship doesn't seem to have technically 
arrived yet, so I have no idea how he got here. It pulls up to 
the bridge just then, Loki standing in the doorway theatrically 
announcing to the people of Asgard that their savior has 
arrived.
   Chrissy: It's like this whole movie is just a bunch of 
    cool visual effects strung together haphazardly with 
    lame jokes.
   Diandra: And there's the review, everyone. Right there. 
    Cheers. [Drinks]

Thor grins and then winces some more as Hela sneers and stabs 
him in the back.

The refugees start piling onto the rescue ship while Loki 
saunters over to Heimdall. "Welcome home," Heimdall greets. "I 
saw you coming." "Of course you did," Loki mutters.
   Chrissy: No, I meant I saw you riding that crazy old 
    guy. 
   Diandra: Of course you did.
   Emilio: Life, uh...finds a way.
   Diandra: I'm not sure that actually works in this 
    context, but I'll give you credit for finding a way to 
    work that in anyway.
   Chrissy: Oh, like anything in this movie makes any more  
    sense?
   Diandra: Yeah, that's a good point. Hence the alcohol. 
    By the way, I could use a top up over here.
   Chrissy: I thought that was Emilio's glass.
   Emilio: Yeah, she started drinking from it a couple 
    scenes ago when she finished hers.
   Chrissy: Would you like a fresh glass?
   Emilio: No, I'm fine. I have to drive home.
   Diandra: Good thinking. Can you give me a ride?
   Chrissy: We're at your house, Dee.
   Diandra: .........oh. Okay, then I can walk home.

So Loki, Heimdall and an assortment of gladiators from Sakaar 
form a line between the refugees and the advancing horde of 
undead and the fight recommences. 

Hela is still taunting Thor that he doesn't stand a chance 
because he's fighting the Goddess of Death. She starts choking 
him with one hand and he has a vision of meeting Odin on that 
cliff in Norway again. 
   Chrissy: So. How's the family reunion going?
   Diandra: Fuck you forever, DAD.
Actually, dad just grumbles that Thor never could see the whole 
picture, even with both eyes intact.
   Chrissy: I like my version better.
   Emilio: Me too.
Thor whines that he can't do this without his hammer because 
she's just too strong. Odin is like oh, sorry, I forgot you 
were the God of Hammers.
   Chrissy: Well, apparently Loki is the God of Knives and 
   Other Stabby Things where the MCU is concerned.

He says Thor's powers were never tied to the hammer - it was 
just a tool to focus his abilities. Thor is like 'okay, 
ignoring the fact that you totally failed to mention this 
before you died...' "It's too late. She's already taken 
Asgard." Odin just shrugs and says Asgard the PLACE doesn't 
matter and never did: it's wherever their people decide to call 
home. He looks at his surroundings and suggests that THIS PLACE 
could be Asgard, making this the second completely unsubtle 
hint he has made that the survivors of Ragnarok should settle 
in Norway on Earth so maybe Thor will actually pick up on the 
suggestion. 
   Chrissy: Or not.
   Emilio: Yeah, we did establish that he's not very bright 
    unless the plot requires him to be.
Thor whines that he's not as strong as Odin. Odin thinks he's 
stronger.

And Thor returns to where Hela is strangling him and prompting 
"what were you the god of again?" Sparks run along his hands 
and take over his eyes and a giant bolt of lightning smashes 
the palace wall behind her. All allies down on the ground look 
up like 'oh, look who finally decided to join us.'

And then the Immigrant Song plays across the soundtrack again 
as Thor rides a bolt of lightning over to the undead horde and 
starts blasting the shit out of them. 

Fireworks spit from the crashed orgymobile to herald the 
arrival of Valkyrie into the battle. Like...seriously, I'm 
starting to wonder if the same people raving about how awesome 
this movie is are the ones who are dazzled by Michael Bay 
movies.
   Emilio: Or Mission Impossible movies.
   Chrissy: No, those at least have some substance between 
    overblown action sequences.
   Diandra: James Bond movies?
   Chrissy: Is there even a difference between James Bond 
    and Mission Impossible anymore besides the accents?
   Diandra: Good point.

Hulk and Fenris are still duking it out in the water somewhere. 
Loki is using his helmet as a weapon. Skurge is just kind of 
standing off to one side by himself having a crisis of 
conscience or something.

This goes on for way longer than is really necessary and only 
starts winding down after Fenris and Hulk's fight ends with 
them going over the waterfall the Asgardians use for burial. 
Thor and Loki come face to face and Thor snaps "you're late." 
Instead of pointing out that by all rights he shouldn't be here 
AT ALL and if Thor wanted him to be he wouldn't have LEFT HIM 
TO DIE, Loki just snips back "you're missing an eye." Valkyrie 
stalks past them, pointing out that they're not done yet, so if 
the boys could hold off on their little spat for a while... The 
three of them face Hela, who has arrived on the bridge, all of 
them panting and worn out. Loki says Thor should hit her with a 
blast of lightning. Thor is like 'oh, you mean like I've 
ALREADY done about fifty times?!' Chris Hemsworth full on 
slides into his Australian accent and nobody seems to notice. 
Valkyrie says it's fine: they just need to hold her off as long 
as it takes the survivors to board the rescue ship. Thor is 
like yeeeeeaaaah, that's not good enough. Because Hela's power 
is going to keep growing and she will hunt them down.
   Chrissy: And try to take over other worlds? Or did we 
    forget about that part?
   Diandra: Probably. Whatever. This recap is getting way 
    too long and I'm ready to be done with it.
   Chrissy: So the alcohol is definitely kicking in.
   Emilio: Yep.

Whatever. Point is, they need to stop her right here and now. 
Somehow. Valkyrie asks how they're going to do that and Loki 
announces that he is NOT doing Get Help again. Thor looks 
pointedly back at the people boarding the ship and recites what 
the ghost of his father told him in a hallucination while his 
crazy sister was strangling him. "Asgard is not a place. It's a 
people." Loki frowns like 'and that helps us how?' Thor whirls 
on him, spewing the epiphany he's just had: that they are not 
supposed to STOP Ragnarok. They are meant to CAUSE it. "Sutur's 
crown. The vault. It's the only way." Loki immediately 
understands what he's saying and is like 'okay, well, that's 
crazier than anything I would have come up with, but since 
we're out of ideas...' He runs in the opposite direction of 
Asgard and the approaching Hela for reasons that are as yet 
unclear.

Thor and Valkyrie have a little showdown with Hela, but since 
they're basically repeating the same fighting maneuvers over 
and over it's basically a boring, zombie-less let down now.

The orgymobile flies over their heads, piloted by Loki, who is 
muttering that this is fucking crazy and he should have just 
stayed dead on Svartlfeim. Or whatever it was called.
   Chrissy: What Dee is trying to say is that Loki is 
    channeling his inner Tom Hiddleston and questioning his 
    career choices.
   Diandra: You know, you could just tell me my jokes 
    aren't working.
   Chrissy: I could, but you get cranky when you're drunk.

Inside the rescue ship, Skurge is huddled with the women and 
children, wearing a shawl and pretending to be just another 
refugee.

Thor interrupts the still ongoing fight scene when he notices 
everybody is on board the ship, telling Heimdall to just go now 
and don't wait for him. The ship starts to take off and Hela 
summons a massive spear from the water below to throw at it.

Loki arrives at the vault beneath the palace and grabs the 
crown from its pedestal. Then he passes by the glowing 
Tesseract and hesitates.

More undead soldiers appear from....somewhere...and use the 
spear as a gangplank to board the escaping ship. Skurge looks 
at the cowering, terrified citizens and the lone soldier trying 
to keep the zombies at bay and finally decides to do the right 
thing. He produces Des and Troy from freaking nowhere, throws 
off his shawl and starts blasting the zombies in slow motion 
like he's channeling fucking Rambo or something.
   Chrissy: And this is probably when the DudeBros in the 
    audience declared this the best MCU movie ever.
   Diandra: Nah, the raging boners they got from this 
    probably made thinking impossible. 

Skurge growls "for Asgard" and leaps from the open doorway, 
shooting his way down to the bridge, milking the shit out of 
his hero moment. He glances back to see the ship taking off 
with people looking down at him curiously and - now fully 
invested - charges at Hela. Where Thor and Valkyrie have 
disappeared to in the last few seconds isn't really clear. Hela 
sighs and throws a spear into him and he gets a moment of 
mournful choir music as he drops. Because he DIED A HERO, 
DAMNIT.

Loki throws the crown on the eternal flame and says the magic 
words to summon Sutur.

Hela menaces toward a suddenly reappearing Valkyrie, who is 
flailing around on the ground. Before she can finish her, Thor 
distracts her by announcing that she has won and Asgard is all 
hers. Hela is like 'yeah, I'm not falling for that trick, 
whatever it is.' "You can't defeat me." At just that moment, 
the palace behind Thor starts rumbling and bursting into 
flames. Thor says yeah, he realizes that, so he's just going to 
leave it up to that guy. Sutur bursts from the crumbling palace 
and roars. Valkyrie runs at Hela and knocks her down with a 
flying leap. Thor blasts a hole in the Bifrost with a bolt of 
lightning. How either of these things accomplish much isn't 
really clear. Sutur starts smashing half of the buildings 
around him and setting fire to the rest.

Thor and Valkyrie take a moment to recap what is going on for 
the audience. They are fulfilling the prophecy about Sutur 
destroying Asgard because it is the only way to destroy Hela 
and save their people. Yes, it is as awkward as it sounds. So 
it is perhaps merciful when it is interrupted by Hulk crawling 
out of the water and launching himself at Sutur, screaming and 
Thor yells at him to cut that out because they WANT him to do 
what he's doing. Hulk lands on Sutur's crown and gets in a few 
punches before Sutur plucks him off and tosses him back to the 
bridge. Now that he's closer, he can hear Thor yelling at him 
to knock it off and he whines "big monster" like 'what do you 
expect me to do? NOT fight the giant devil guy?!' Then he 
mutters "fine", picks up Thor and Valkyrie and leaps at the 
retreating rescue ship.
   Chrissy: Okay, is everyone here now? We're not leaving 
    Matt Damon behind so somebody has to go rescue him from 
    ANOTHER planet, are we?
   Emilio: No, we're not doing that a third time. Three 
    strikes and we leave him to die.

Hela emerges from the water, throwing spears at Sutur and Sutur 
drives an enormous flaming sword in the general direction of 
where she is, apparently killing her instantly.

On the rescue ship, the survivors watch Sutur plunge the sword 
into the ground, creating shockwaves that destroy everything 
within a mile or so radius. Korg says it doesn't look that bad. 
As long as the foundations hold up, they could always 
rebuild... Sutur and the entirety of Asgard are consumed by a 
massive explosion and Korg is like 'yeah, never mind.' There's 
a long shot of the ship hovering in space while the survivors 
watch the entirety of Asgard turn into a giant fireball and 
Thor is like 'what the hell did I just do?' A LITTLE LATE TO BE 
SECOND GUESSING THE PLAN NOW, SPARKLES. Heimdall assures him 
that he saved their species from extinction.
   Chrissy: Wait...so I just went on a suicide mission to 
    raise Sutur and THOR gets all the credit for winning 
    the battle while nobody even realizes I enacted his 
    crazy ass plan or even cares that I just disappeared?
   Diandra: [makes vague gestures] Yes?
   Chrissy: Typical.

Sometime later, Thor retreats to his cabin and pours himself a 
glass of liquor while he inspects his new eye patch in the 
mirror. Loki appears behind him and notes that the look suits 
him. Thor generously acknowledges that Loki turns out to have 
not been so bad after all and if he were really here he might 
even give him a hug. He picks up some sort of metal thing and 
slings it at Loki. Loki catches it and we flash to a brief shot 
of the outside of the rescue ship where the orgymobile is 
parked on top of it like this totally explains how Loki managed 
to get on board when nobody was looking or apparently caring 
one way or the other. Which kills the joke Emilio and I came up 
with after we saw the movie the first time and didn't notice 
this which involved Loki escaping through Sutur's anus.
   Chrissy: I just assumed he used the Tesseract.
   Diandra: Obviously, but that's not as funny. 

And then we have to have the hero ending of Thor taking his 
"throne", which is a seat at the helm of the ship, while 
everyone else watches. Heimdall asks the newly minted King of 
Asgard where they should go now. The Ghost of Odin, hovering in 
the corner somewhere, screams "NORWAY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! God, 
you've always been the stupidest of my children!" Thor hems and 
haws and finally says Earth? Maybe? Yeah, why not.

On that completely unsatisfying note (and obviously ignoring 
the painfully unfunny stuff with Korg), we smash to credits 
while the DudeBros rush to the nearest computer to declare this 
the best Thor movie ever and anyone who disagrees is stupid and 
wrong. 

Midway through the credits, we get a brief scene of Thor and 
Loki standing at a window somewhere on the ship while Loki asks 
if Thor really thinks taking him back to Earth is a good idea. 
Thor is like 'meh, it'll be fine.' And then a ship fifty times 
larger than theirs floats into view, accompanied by ominous 
music. Stay tuned for the resolution to this scene...after the 
next, much better movie that the DudeBros will perhaps 
unsurprisingly declare "sucks".

After the credits, we get a little scene of the Grandmaster 
falling out of a heap of metal and being surrounded by 
scavengers. He blusters that he's proud of them because the 
Revolution was a big success and "yay, us!" Everybody stares at 
him silently and he rambles that really he was a big part of it 
because you can't have a revolution without somebody to 
overthrow and "you're welcome".
   Chrissy: Well, that's one way to spin it.
   Diandra: Oh, thank god it's over. That was way more 
    annoying and less fun than I hoped it would be.
   Emilio: That's why we're here: to get you through it.
   Chrissy: With alcohol and snark.
   Diandra: Thank you. I love you both. Have I mentioned 
    that lately?
   Chrissy: Maybe we should let her dry out a bit before we 
    move on to "Black Panther".
   Emilio: Probably a good idea.
   Diandra: Somebody wanna drive me home? I think I had too 
    much to drink.
   Chrissy: Again, sweetie: you are home. 
   Diandra: Oh. Right. I can just bike then.
   Emilio: [after a long pause] Should we tell her that's a 
    stationary bike?
   Chrissy: Nah, she'll figure it out. 

This is Diandra. I feel like I have to add some analysis here 
now that I've dried out and spent the last few days typing the 
mess that was this recapping session. When I try to explain to 
people the difference between my recaps and official reviews I 
always come to this main difference: recaps are more detailed. 
I have to pull every scene, every exchange apart and describe 
it. I reference things that are not actually on the screen and 
I make goofy comments. Chrissy and/or Emilio do their level 
best to distract me. As one person described it: I "inhale" the 
movies. This is why I don't recap movies I hated the first time 
I watched them, but it is possible for me to come out of a 
recap with a different opinion of something than I went in 
with. I wasn't sure how "The Dark World" would go, but I 
enjoyed recapping it so much that I am now confused by people 
who label it the worst "Avengers" movie. "The Winter Soldier" 
was a dull slog, but it wasn't as bad as I feared. This, 
however, was one time where my opinion of the movie turned sour 
AS I WAS RECAPPING. I knew in terms of the continuity of the 
overall MCU storyline it was a pretty unimportant detour, but I 
figured it would be fun enough to justify doing the recap. I 
guess it was at first. But as I struggled through the last 
thirty minutes or so of painfully stupid dialogue and a story 
that seems to have been scribbled on the back of a poster for 
the latest "Transformers" movie in crayon I started wondering 
if I wouldn't have been better off just skipping it.

I saw a lot of commentary online declaring this the best 
installment in the entire MCU and expressing the wish that 
Taika would take over the entire franchise and treat every 
movie with the same irreverence that he did this one. This 
comes even from people whose tastes in film I normally trust 
and may be why for a while I convinced myself that I had missed 
something and it was better than it really is. I now realize 
that I agree with the rare voices I found bemoaning it as a 
complete departure from established characterizations. And our 
comparison to "The Final Problem" at the beginning of this 
recap is distressingly apt here, because I have seen those 
voices dismissed as simply angry Loki fangirls, much like 
critics of TFP are dismissed as loudmouthed shippers. Yes, 
there are probably a few crazy voices in both of those groups 
(as there would be in any group), but reducing all criticism to 
those assumptions is just as offensive as refusing to even 
acknowledge that some of that criticism is perfectly valid. And 
frankly, it is also sexist because it assumes that these women 
(and they are almost always women) never understood the canon 
"correctly" as men inherently do. 

Anyway. Just figured I'd explain why this recap turned out the 
way it did and why I will think of it from now on as the 
equivalent of a sort of inter-acte. A passing diversion between 
actual numbers.