What If... part 1

"What If..." Episodes 1-4

Aside from time travel, one of my favorite subgenres is alternate history, which is always grounded in "what if" questions. Most writers get stuck on "what if the Nazis had won WWII" or "what if the South had won the Civil War", but it can be applied to any moment in history. What if the Roman Empire never fell? What if computers had been invented much earlier? What if the fourth planet in our solar system had terraformed instead of the third? It can also be applied to fictional universes. What if Superman had crashed in the Soviet Union? What if Marvel superheroes had manifested their powers hundreds of years earlier? And this is without getting into the fact that fanfiction writers are CONSTANTLY playing the what if game. What if that character hadn't died? What if that other character had? How would that cliffhanger have been resolved had the show not been cancelled abruptly between seasons? What if the characters in the Marvel universe lived in the real world and didn't have superpowers?

Chrissy: But most importantly, what if Character A and Character B had sex?
Diandra: That is a big part of it, yes. But contrary to popular belief, it is not the ONLY thing fanfiction writers do.

So to make a long story short (too late), it was probably inevitable that I would get to recapping and dissecting this series. I'm not sure how much of it I need to recap and how much I can get away with simply summarizing. I will probably vary it by episode. But both Chrissy and Emilio are joining me for this and hopefully keeping me sane.

Chrissy: If you need us to do that, you are DEFINITELY screwed.

Yeah. Here goes nothing.

Episode 1: What if Captain Carter Were the First Avenger?

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Haley Atwell, Sebastian Stan, Dominic Cooper, Stanley Tucci, Toby Jones, Bradley Whitford, Ross Marquand, Darrell Hammond

And right off the bat, we're going to make me question why ABC canceled Marvel's best spin off show. Okay. Deep breath.

Chrissy: So why didn't you do a brief recap of "The First Avenger" before this?
Diandra: Already with this? Because I don't have to and you can't make me.

The usual Marvel title card turns animated after it runs through all the clips from previous movies. And then we go right into the credits with the voice over exposition that will carry through every episode. "Time," Jeffrey Wright intones as animated images of all Marvel characters stream past. "Space. Reality. It's more than a linear path." The backdrop turns to a fractured glass wall with different images from each of the episodes of the series in every shard. "It's a prism of endless possibilities. Where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities." The wall shatters and we see a few of the images as they fly past. "Creating alternate worlds from the ones you know." The shards disappear, replaced by a bright light that turns out to be the eye of a massive shadowy figure and he concludes "I am the Watcher. I am your guide through these vast new realities. Follow me and ponder the question: what if?"

We start with some quick establishing shots of WWII while the Watcher tells us we're going back to June 1943 on Earth. An animated version of the scene where Steve was injected with Super Soldier serum plays and the Watcher says "at humanities darkest hour, a skinny kid from Brooklyn became Captain America." And we skip right to the end of the movie with the shield frozen in ice and the Watcher is like 'after a bunch of shit happened, he sacrificed himself. Y'all know the rest, right?'

Diandra: And this is why I didn't need to do that first movie.
Emilio: Guess not.

This is what happened in the universe we know. And here's how that played out differently in another one. Peggy and Steve are hovering over the lab where they're working on the super soldier machine. Peggy rambles about how he could really change the tide of this war if this works. They go down to the floor where Stanley Tucci's character Dr. Erskine suggests maybe she should go up into the viewing booth. She and Steve look at each other and she says no, she wants to stay here. In case we didn't catch it, the Watcher points out that THAT is the turning point right there.

Chrissy: The good news is that if I remember correctly, he won't be doing this the ENTIRE show.
Diandra: Yeah, once you get the premise he doesn't need to do so much hand holding.

She joins the suits and military guys standing on the edges of the lab while Steve is loaded into the machine and Erskine explains that the serum should work instantly. The "subject" will then be bombarded with "vita rays" to stop him from just growing out of control because the last thing we need is a steroidal giant superhero, right? Hahahaha. Anyway.

Peggy spots one guy acting suspiciously and holding what looks like a bomb trigger. She lurches toward him, but there's an explosion. A guy goes running up to the machine, shooting Steve and grabbing a vial of serum. He turns to run away again and his path is blocked by an armed Peggy. She shoots him down without blinking and runs to check on Steve, ordering him to stay awake and focus on her.

Over at the controls, Howard Stark announces that the power levels are dropping and they have to either go through with the experiment NOW or forget about it completely. One of the military guys is Bradley Whitford - whose name is Flynn and who apparently got a promotion to General - and he yells an order for Steve to GET IN THERE DAMNIT. Peggy snaps at him that Steve is INJURED. He can't. Flynn orders Howard to get in then. Howard is like 'are you fucking crazy? No.'

Chrissy: And here's where we could do a branch off of a branch: how would Tony have been different if his dad had become Captain America?
Diandra: Yeah, you could really go down the rabbit hole once you start asking what ifs.
Chrissy: And I assume Bradley was in Agent Carter since I don't remember him from First Avenger?
Diandra: Sort of. Apparently they did some sort of "one shot" Agent Carter thing and he was Agent Flynn. I didn't know that until I saw it in an article after this episode first aired.
Chrissy: There you go talking about "aired" again.
Diandra: Oh, get off my lawn.

While they're arguing, Peggy looks between Steve and the machine and tells Steve to stay put because she'll be right back. She replaces the vial the guy was stealing, takes off her jacket and climbs in while Flynn splutters like 'what? A girl super soldier? What?' She yells for Howard to hit it. Flynn yells at him not to. Howard is like 'oh, whoops, did my hand just slip and accidentally pull the lever? Guess it's too late now.' The machine closes, lights flash, electricity sparks everywhere. And then the machine opens and Peggy is like a foot taller with more muscle in her arms. Howard helps her out of the machine, joking that she won't be needing her heels anymore. He declares the experiment an absolute success.

Smash to Flynn declaring it an absolute failure and a waste of sixty million dollars because seriously? Like we're actually going to send a female super soldier into battle? Because this is Peggy, she just sits calmly while he rants and a doctor draws vials of her blood. Then she calmly says that this might not be the outcome he was hoping for, but she can be useful in more ways than a blood donor here. He thinks she should just be happy he doesn't write her up for insubordination. She narrows her eyes and reminds him that the entire project would have been scrapped. Bradley thinks it might as well have been because ALL the serum is now in her and they just have to hope that they can use her blood to create a "real super soldier" one day.

Chrissy: Good, maybe you can use it and become a real man.
Emilio: Oooooooo.

She hisses that she IS a super soldier now and he doubles down on the sexism, muttering about how women don't fight on the front lines because they might break a nail as he leaves the room.

So she goes to take out her frustrations on a punching bag, slamming it right off the hook and into a wall. Steve is like 'okay...that's...good...remind me not to piss you off...' She flings a weight into another wall where it joins about a dozen others. Steve says look at the bright side: at least he didn't stick her on one of those USO tours where she would have to wear a stupid costume and smile ten times a day.

Emilio: And punch a Hitler look alike?
Diandra: Yeah, that sounds familiar.
Chrissy: Speaking of sounding familiar, who is this guy doing an impression of Chris Evans?
Diandra: Apparently a guy who does almost EXCLUSIVELY voice work despite looking like an underwear model.

Some troops march past the window and Steve starts talking about how his best buddy Bucky was just deployed and the army won't tell him where he's going. "We all have someone fighting for us," she muses. "Would be nice if we could fight for them." She apologizes for taking the mantle of One to End the War from him. He is confident she will do it in his place. "And don't worry about me. I never was much of a dancer anyway." She rolls with this right field comment by suggesting he just hasn't found "the right partner."

Emilio: Oh, I have. It's just not legal to call him that.
Diandra: He's taken out my trash several times though.
Chrissy: You know...I continue to be amazed by your ability to retain very specific details about past recaps while forgetting absolutely everything else, D.

In a European town somewhere, tanks roll in and a car with a Hydra symbol for a hood ornament confronts them.

Back at base, Howard points to the town of Tonsberg, Norway on a map marked with troop movements. Flynn says wait, you're saying the Nazis made it all the way to Norway? HYDRA, Peggy corrects, describing them as Hitler's personal Torchwood.

Chrissy: Ooof, girl, with the parallel nerd references.
Diandra: What?
Emilio: Torchwood is the wrong agency anyway. You're thinking of UNIT.
Diandra: Bah! It's been too long since I did those recaps. Or they've mentioned anything about that on "Doctor Who".

Howard says they're getting gamma signatures from the clock tower and whatever it is they're doing "could power London." Or blow it up, Peggy offers.

Chrissy: Always the pessimist, aren't you?
Diandra: More like realist.

In Norway...I guess...a HYDRANazi is rambling about the Tesseract that used to be in Odin's collection and was rumored to be able to rewrite the laws of physics and allow someone to travel across the universe. The old man his soldiers have their guns on grunts that that's just a legend. The Nazi says is it now? He pushes a hidden trigger on the wall to pop open a hidden compartment. The soldiers shoot the old man as he grins at the glowing contents.

Meanwhile, Peggy pulls open an ancient looking book with an illustration of the Tesseract. The men debate whether they can intercept it. Howard thinks they have to prevent it from getting to HYDRA high command. Flynn thinks it's a "glorified battery" not worth risking the man power over. Howard splutters that it has more power than any of their scientists can even fathom and... Flynn shrugs that the war will probably end before HYDRA figures out how to turn it on then.

Howard finds Peggy at the bar drinking later and offers her some advice: "Flynn's a moron. Lucky for you, I'm a genius."

Chrissy: The apple really didn't fall far, did it?
Diandra: Nope.

He slides a box to Peggy. It contains a costume for her to wear, in case they do send her on that USO tour. But he made some "upgrades". Also, there's this. He bangs a shield with a union jack at the center of it on the bar.

So she intercepts a convoy carrying Arnim Zola. Remember him?

Chrissy: Probably not because you DIDN'T RECAP THE FIRST MOVIE.
Diandra: Let it go, Chris. I'm not doing it.

The first truck tries to run her over and she just flips the whole thing onto its hood with her bare hands. Then she giddily declares that was "brilliant" and takes out the rest of the convoy, making the other truck bend around her, punching guys off the motorbikes and throwing the motorbikes at other guys and generally clobbering guys with the shield. A big blond guy gets out of one of the vehicles and mutters in completely unsubtle fashion about the allies being desperate enough to send a little woman to fight their battles. She literally punches him in the dick, gives him just enough time to register the pain and knocks him out.

Emilio: Because you don't fuck with Peggy.
Diandra: No, you don't.

She slaps the Tesseract on Flynn's desk and announces that they're not going to win the war with her stuck behind a desk. He says but she's not QUALIFIED for field duty. She suggests a promotion. Maybe to Captain. She stalks past Howard on her way out, saying she trusts HE knows what to do with that glowing box.

Chrissy: Put it in storage somewhere for the next few decades?
Diandra: Yeah, probably.

Steve rejoins the show to help plan Bucky's rescue mission, which...wait...what? I missed something. Whatever. He says he owes her "one" for saving his best friend and she says he owes her "a dance." Because this is a continuing theme with them in any universe, apparently.

She steals a German officers bike by running alongside it while he's driving and knocking him off. She drives it right through the gates of the facility and mows down a few more officers before kicking the bike into the sniper's nest where the guards are shooting at her, blowing it up. She fights her way into the POW holding area, rips the door right off the cell containing both Bucky and a guy played by Neal McDonough and I can't remember if he was in the movie or not. They all fight their way out. When they are met with tanks, she calls for air support, which is answered by Steve flying what looks sort of like the early version of Tony's Iron Man suit. A tank tries to take him out and he just crumples the gun and causes it to blow itself up.

Peggy runs off to help him and Neil asks Bucky if she's friends with "that HYDRA stomper". Bucky says yeah, um..."I think I'm friends with him too."

Chrissy: I mean...we might be on a break. Not really sure.

Peggy and HydraStomper Steve take out all the tanks and Steve sticks his head out of the suit when they're clear. Bucky notes that he can't even drive a CAR, but Howard made him THAT thing. Neil is like 'whatever, we were saved by a really strong chick and a flying car. Cool.'

Montage. We do a very comic book style jog through Peggy punching a bunch of Nazis. Flynn tells the President that they're proud of Captain Carter and he always believed in her. Also, he personally asked Howard to build that Hydra Stomper thing.

Emilio: Are his pants smoking?

HydraStomper Steve flies Peggy into a squadron of German bombers so she can take them out like a fearless badass.

Some Nazi guy tells the guy I just realized is probably Red Skull before he became Red Skull that the Fuherer is demanding to see him. He snorts that a god does not answer to a pissant like Hitler. I'm only paraphrasing a little. The Nazi is like 'oh, the guy who lost the Tesseract thinks he's a god now?'

Chrissy: He won't be the last.

Red Skull rambles about the "true champion of HYDRA" being summoned. And then he shoots the Nazi and pulls off his normal face to reveal the red skull look underneath. He squats over the dying man and gloats that HYDRA will "rise from the ashes" of the Third Reich. His soldiers do a double fisted salute while chanting "hail, HYDRA!"

At a bar somewhere, Peggy and Steve chat about the fact that the serum prevents her from feeling the effects of the alcohol, but on the plus side: she no longer has to fight to get people to listen to her. Steve sort of bemoans the fact that he's still just the skinny kid from Brooklyn only now he's in a suit. Peggy assures him that the suit is nothing without him.

Chrissy: You know, on second thought, Tony might be different in THIS universe.

"You're my hero, Steve," She says before catching herself and correcting that he's...uh...A hero. He laughs that she's his hero too and they start to kiss before Howard interrupts, followed by Bucky in a stolen jeep outside.

And then we come to what I vaguely recognize as a scene from the movie with Peggy et al leading an ambush on a train winding through the mountains that their intel says contains Red Skull. HydraStomper Steve lands in front of the train, slowing it, and the rest of them zipline onto it. Bucky almost falls off immediately, but Peggy grabs him and tosses him back onto the train. He jokes that she almost ripped his arm off there.

Chrissy: Ha. Haha.

Steve's suit alerts him to something weird in one of the cars and he opens it like a can and steps inside, finding explosives everywhere. He yells a warning just before the bombs blow and Peggy and the rest of the team jump off as all the cars explode one by one. Peggy shouts Steve's name in horror as what is left of the train and the entire section of mountain ledge beneath it slides into the canyon.

Chrissy: And since this is how Steve lost Bucky in the original...didn't you say something about a comic where Steve is trying to get back to BUCKY, not Peggy?
Diandra: Yeah, the whole romance thing was more played up in the movies than the comics, I think.

Chrissy: That's not really where I was going with that thought.
Emilio: They couldn't just make it GAY. I mean, come on. This is Disney.
Diandra: Well, it wasn't at the time, but point taken.

Sometime later, Flynn is ranting at Howard about the "glowing ice cube" and how he promised the Hydra Stomper would be indestructible. Peggy snaps at him that they didn't lose a piece of equipment back there, they lost STEVE and storms off. Flynn mutters some condescension about women being in the field again.

Peggy goes to the cell where they are keeping Zola. He does the bad guy thing where he insists she is wasting her time because he won't talk and we just cut to her telling the troops that he told her everything without needing to go into specifics about how she made him squeal. Basically, Red Skull believes the Tesseract can unleash a force that will allow him to dominate the world. Or, failing that, destroying it. Bucky is like 'okay, so he's cuckoo.'

Chrissy: He's a Marvel villain. They're all either crazy or mutated from some sort of accident or injection.

Red Skull has retreated to a castle in the Black Forrest and the plan is to burn it down. Which might not end the war and could kill them all, but...at least they can stop HYDRA. For Steve.

So we go right to her jumping the castle wall and opening the gate so the rest of the team can drive in. And Howard is with them because she insisted he should be. For reasons. They take out a bunch of Nazis...well...mostly she does. And she and Howard go one way into the castle, Bucky and everyone else go another.

Bucky's team finds a lab with the Hydra Stomper suspended in some sort of contraption. Steve is laying nearby for some reason. Bucky runs to help him up and he insists they need to get him in the suit.

In another lab, Red Skull is hooking up the Tesseract to some sort of machinery. He watches eagerly as it glows and tentacles start coming out of it. Peggy and Howard break into the lab as he's dubbing the monstrosity the champion of HYDRA. Howard is like 'uh...I did NOT sign up for this.' Red Skull gloats that Peggy is too late, but is interrupted by a tentacle picking him up and crushing him like a bug. Peggy is like 'uh...plan. We need a plan.' She notes that the creature seems to be growing and could very well be big enough to destroy Europe soon. She yanks Howard under her shield as chunks of building rain down. He says this actual line: "if I can get to the controls, I might be able to transpose the ingress and...do science stuff." To which she responds with this actual line: "you mean transpose the polarity and reverse the suction?"

Chrissy: No, I mean reverse the polarity and invert the transducer.
Diandra: Sciency words sciency words. I'm just entertained by the fact that some writer acknowledged how ridiculous it is and just said "science stuff".

She leaps him over to the controls and gets grabbed by a tentacle and shaken like a rattle. She spots what looks like a decorative sword on the wall and uses it to slice the tentacle. It wraps about five more around her. Steve shows up just as Howard gets the machine reversed and the tentacles start dragging Peggy in. It gets distracted enough fighting him that it lets go of her. Bucky and the rest come in and everyone fights the tentacle monster until a mouth opens at the center of it and it emits a scream that starts crumbling the building. Steve flies the rest of the team out of the castle to safety as the monster blasts apart that wing.

At the controls, Howard says he can't get the portal closed. Or something. Peggy snarls that she'll have to push the monster back to hell then. Steve loses power in the suit just as he's landing back in the lab and crawls out, yelping at Peggy to stop. She says she has to do this and she'll see him for that dance lesson Saturday night. She pushes the monster back through the portal, which winks and sends out a blast of energy. When the dust settles, Steve kneels in front of the remaining Tesseract and cries.

In the present, instead of the Tesseract summoning Loki at the beginning of The Avengers, it revs up and spits out a bunch of chunks of tentacles, followed by Peggy. She lands in a variation of the superhero pose, shield in one hand and sword in the other. Looking about twelve kinds of awesome. From a safe distance, Fury asks her to please put down the sword. Next to him, Clint identifies her as Captain Carter. She asks where Steve is. Fury's like 'um...welcome to the twenty first century, ma'am.' She deflates and he asks if she's going to be okay. "Of course," she says. "We won the war."

The watcher gives a little summary, restating that her decision to jump in the machine changed that entire world and wrapping up with a statement about being the Watcher means he can only observe everything he's showing us. He CANNOT intervene. That will be important later. We end with a creepy silhouette of him so we can identify his presence from now on and go to credits, where we note Sam Jackson and Jeremy Renner's little cameos there, as well as Josh Keaton who apparently doesn't get main credit ranking for his impression of Chris Evans.

Chrissy: So...in this world there IS NO Winter Soldier, right?
Emilio: I think so.
Diandra: Yeah, that's the other thing about alt history and time travel. Changing one thing generally leads to a cascade of other changes, some predictable and some not. Unless, of course, you're talking about the version of time travel they started with in "Endgame" where it's impossible to change the future. Hence why I said that was the worst time travel theory from a narrative standpoint.
Chrissy: I can see where fanfiction writers would love this because as far as I can tell, in this universe Steve and Bucky got to be together. In the 40s where, as Emilio pointed out, that wasn't legal, but...
Diandra: But they're free to take out each other's trash as long as they aren't publicly open about it?
Emilio: Okay, now I'm wondering what you're picturing when you talk about taking out the trash.
Diandra: Considering the creative euphemisms that were used in movies in those days, it could probably be anything and not even that dirty. I remember a joke from a Maurice Chevalier movie about "making chamber music".
Chrissy: You know...a lot of things you said in the "WandaVision" recaps make so much more sense when you understand just how wide your frame of reference is.
Diandra: Oh, Emilio knows. And when you consider one of his favorite movies is a silent movie from the 20s, his frame is probably just as wide.
Emilio: And this is why we are friends.
Diandra: Love you, BroSis.
Emilio: Love you too, Firecup.

Episode 2: What if T'Challa Became a Star Lord?

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Chadwick Boseman, Michael Rooker, Josh Brolin, Benicio Del Toro, Kurt Russell, Ophelia Lovibond, Carrie Coon, Tom Vaughan-Lawlor, Karen Gillan, Djimon Hounsou, John Kani, Sean Gunn, Chris Sullivan, Seth Green, Danai Gurira

Based on that cast list, you can already tell this is going to be a mix of "GoTG2" and "Black Panther" with Thanos and his minions for some reason. And again, there's a couple names that aren't listed because the characters are voiced by someone other than whoever played them in the rest of the series.

We begin again with the Watcher rambling about all the galaxies in the sky full of worlds and beings and stories. And then we just cut right to Morag, the planet Peter (and later Rhodey and Nebula) found the power stone on while the Watcher questions whether your destiny is determined by your world or the other way around.

Chrissy: Woah, that's deep, man.

Star Lord retrieves the stone and its housing from that pillar thing with a device and some...Kree, I guess...led by Djimon, whose character was named Atlas or something I think...descend on him. Atlas demands to know who this guy thinks he is. T'Challa takes off the Star Lord helmet and Atlas turns into a fan boy. OMG, it's STAR LORD! What are you doing here, man? And because I'm pretty sure the response to "I'm Star Lord" in the first GoTG movie was "who the fuck is that?" T'Challa is like 'mmmmkay. That was unexpected.' Atlas is like 'nah, man, you're a LEGEND.' He describes him like the space version of Robin Hood and asks if they should bow or kneel to him. Y'know, since he's a lord. T'Challa says that's not an official title and he's embarrassing him. Stop it. Atlas is like 'so humble. Such a great guy. Too bad I might have to kill you if you don't hand that thing over.' T'Challa is like 'uh...no.' Atlas says he could totally tell his boss Ronin to fuck off if T'Challa were to offer him a better job. T'Challa says nah. Atlas says he totally understands and on the plus side he's gonna get to fight Star Lord now.

They launch into a fight where Atlas is gushing about how amazing Star Lord is between blows and apologizing when he successfully punches T'Challa in the face. T'Challa tells him to do it again and tricks him into throwing the punch into the pillar display that housed the stone, which zaps him unconscious. He uses that device he grabbed the stone with to knock out the men who were with him, then decides he has "hired worse" and hauls Atlas out of the temple.

He is met outside by more goons, who point weapons at him and call him a Ravager while menacing that he is outnumbered. He squares his shoulders and says yeah, but "a Ravager never flies solo." Long pause. Sound of wind blowing. He's like 'guys, that was your CUE.' The lead goon asks if that's supposed to be some sort of catchphrase or something. And then finally there's a whistle and Yondu's arrow flies in and picks them all off before returning to his belt. T'Challa is like 'you're late. I got us a new recruit.' He hands the stone casing to Yondu, who notes the signature it's giving off and talks about how in the old days they would have sold this to the highest bidder. T'Challa thinks it would be better used to "jump start the Kylorian's dying star and save their system from extinction" because "no treasure is worth as much as the good that can be done with it."

Chrissy: And there is the argument that he is much better than Peter Quill. Right there.
Diandra: Well, it's one of the arguments.

The Watcher is like 'bet you're wondering how this happened, right? Let's do a flashback.' We go back to 1988 in Wakanda, where T'Challa expresses his frustration with a life hidden from the rest of the world. T'Chaka mutters about the world outside being violent and horrible and full of people who "do not understand our way of life". But he understands that T'Challa has the "heart of an explorer", so he'll just have to trust him.

The Watcher rambles about fate and destiny and variables while little T'Challa is practicing spear throwing out by the wall hiding Wakanda later. He goes outside the wall and is picked up by the Ravager ship sent to collect Ego's spawn from Earth. The reason the ship was on entirely the wrong side of the planet in this universe, the Watcher explains, is that Yondu outsourced the job to some idiots. When they bring T'Challa to him, he yells at them for taking what is OBVIOUSLY the wrong child. He projects a hologram of Peter Quill from his wrist computer and asks if they really think this kid looks like the one they got. Taserface grunts that all humans look alike to them. The guy Sean Gunn played whose name I've forgotten says the cosmic readings at that location were off the chart, so they figured it must be right. T'Challa pipes up that his city is built on top of a Vibranium meteorite, so...that probably explains that. Yondu notes that the kid is taking this very well and decides right there that he likes him and he'll adopt him.

Back in the present, the Ravagers - which now includes Atlas - go to a bar and chat about previous adventures. Atlas asks how they stopped Thanos, the Mad Titan and a giant purple arm lands on his shoulder. Thanos says T'Challa showed him another way to allocate the resources of the universe.

Chrissy: ..............why the fuck did nobody think of that?
Diandra: Because that would have been a very short movie?

Thanos says he still thinks his plan wasn't "without its merits" and the Ravagers all groan like 'god, there he goes again.' Sean says it's genocide, dude. Thanos is like 'eh, potayto potahto.'

Drax is working the bar that T'Challa goes to get drinks from. He recognizes T'Challa as THE Star Lord. The one who saved his world from a Kree invasion. He asks for a picture with him to send to his wife and daughter. And while we're still processing how this character's backstory was completely changed because a Ravager picked up the wrong kid, Nebula arrives to flirt a little with T'Challa. Possibly. She calls him Cha Cha and has long, flowing hair and generally looks like a femme fatale from the Golden Age of Hollywood.

Lest we think this means she has a better relationship with her father, we go to her checking out the power stone casing and asking if "the big guy" knows he has it. T'Challa asks if she means Thanos and says she should really talk to him because he's changed. He gardens now.

Chrissy: He found a whole planet that's one big garden, apparently.

She notes that she isn't the only one who lugs around reminders of the past and indicates the Black Panther necklace draped on his chest. She asks if he ever thinks of going back to Wakanda. He exposits that Yondu tried to return him when he was still young and found it had been destroyed in one of the many senseless wars.

Emilio: Ah. There's the downside to this world.
Diandra: Yeah. The Guardians are improved. Thanos is neutered. But Wakanda suffers.

Nebula concludes that losing his home inspired him to save others' and she might have a job for him.

Cut to her showing the Ravagers a holographic image of "the Embers of Genesis. Nutrient rich cosmic dust from an ancient supernova with the power to terraform entire ecosystems." Just a portion of the amount they've discovered could heal an entire dying planet. T'Challa points out that this is the opposite of Thanos' solution: they can restore planets and feed the people on them. Thanos is actually hovering at the edge of the room and he greets his daughter. Atlas is like wait...you're related? T'Challa says he's been trying to get them into counseling. Yondu prompts Nebula to get back to the mission. They're going after Tanaleer Tivan, aka The Collector, brother of the Grandmaster, aka Benicio del Toro. Kraglin (thanks for that, subtitle guy) identifies him as the most ruthless kingpin in the intergalactic underground. Atlas exposits that he always heard that title belonged to Thanos. Thanos says yeah, but when he gave up his aspirations of villainy, Tivan became it. Yondu declares the mission suicidal because The Collector is SUPER dangerous. He elaborates that death would be more merciful than the sort of shit the Collector inflicts on people. "So, should I mark you down as undecided?" Nebula snarks.

Chrissy: This version of her is already more badass than whatever that was in Endgame.

Yondu declares that the Ravagers will not have anything to do with anything that involves the Collector. End of story.

T'Challa follows him out of the room to remind him that they have never backed down from a fight. Yondu says what they DO is steal from the rich and give to the poor. Like that Earthling whatshisname. "Robin Leach." T'Challa runs with the analogy, saying they've been picking pockets when what they NEED to do if they really want to make a difference is "rob the bank". Yondu just fondly grumbles that he never could say no to the kid.

We get a brief montage where Nebula and T'Challa explain that The Collector will keep the embers with all his other prized possessions in the "severed head of an ancient celestial being." Remember Knowhere? Yeah. We're back. Thanos adds that the Black Order (what was his minions in the Avengers movies) are running security for The Collector and asks how Nebula plans to get past them. She says she won't. She and Yondu will pose as sellers hocking the orb from Morag and walk right in the front door. We show them doing this, but the overly large box they're pushing down a hallway actually contains T'Challa in full Star Lord getup. Atlas and Thanos start a fight outside to distract the Black Order just as Proxima Midnight is trying to scan the box for anything suspicious. Then Yondu and Nebula will keep the Collector busy while T'Challa looks for the embers. Atlas chortles that this plan is brilliant and "what could possibly go wrong?"

Chrissy: Dude. Don't EVER ask that question. Seriously.

Nebula and Yondu are ushered in to talk to the Collector and basically have a bunch of small talk that only really establishes that The Ravagers have "gone straight" in this universe.

T'Challa is going through the "collection", which includes a lot of sentient beings. He mutters to no one in particular that this is a lot of "suffering" and "for what?" A voice from one of the containers suggests the Collector is compensating for something. The voice belongs, perhaps unsurprisingly, to Howard the Duck.

Chrissy: And everyone who lived through the 90s is having trauma flashbacks.
Diandra: Yeah. Although, if they were going to do Howard the Duck, the animated show really was the best place for it.

T'Challa is like 'okay...um...since we're doing this...I suppose I can ask you if you know where the embers are.' Howard gives directions to the wing the embers would be stored in like this: "down the hall. Take a Louie at the Frost Giants, a hard Ralph at the Kronans. You're gonna see a sign for Elvish literature. Ignore that, total snooze." T'Challa decides it would be faster to just take Howard with him and shoots the lock out on his container.

Back outside, Proxima Midnight ends the fight going on by blasting everybody with electricity. She realizes the twitching bodies on the ground belong to The Ravagers and this must be a distraction. She orders the building locked down.

The Collector chuckles as alarms go off and a steel door slams shut. "You always know how to bring the fun," he says.

Howard the Duck gets distracted as they walk past a bar and sits for a drink just as all the doors are slamming. T'Challa snaps that they have to go and barely makes it through one of the doors as it's coming down. Separating them and mercifully cutting Howard's role short.

Emilio: You know they're testing our tolerance, right? His part keeps getting bigger each time.
Diandra: Yeah, I have a co worker who predicts that one day Marvel will reboot Howard the Duck and it will be nominated for Oscars.

T'Challa's Black Panther necklace starts glowing suddenly as he's running through a hangar full of vessels. He stops running and touches it in confusion and a Wakandan ship flares to life. He goes inside to find it set up like a museum piece with dummies dressed like Dora Milaje propped in the seats. A holographic Amber Alert is triggered, with T'Chaka asking for any information that might lead to the recovery of his son, T'Challa, the crown prince of Wakanda. He ends with a message directly to T'Challa: "if you are out there, you are one bright burning light in the night sky of billions and we will search every last one of them until we find you. On this plane or the next."

Nebula appears suddenly, the Collector holding Yondu hostage in the background. She points a gun at T'Challa and says yeah, she had a debt she owed the Collector. He understands, right?

T'Challa and Yondu are thrown in a cell with the rest of the Ravagers. Atlas babbles that this is the part where he stages one of his great escapes, right?

Chrissy: I don't remember him being so annoying before.

T'Challa is too distracted chewing out Yondu for lying about his homeland being destroyed and his family being dead. Yondu thinks he was justified because T'Challa is an explorer like him and "sometimes you need to hear a lie to see the truth." Quite a flex there. He rambles about how the past is a "prison" for people like them and he belongs here with his "family". Yeah, this...is where this doesn't really work.

Chrissy: That Yondu had any justification for raising the Earthling as his own, no. But it makes more sense that he was lying about what happened to Wakanda than that Wakanda actually fell apart in this universe.

T'Challa is like 'that's the problem, see, I actually had a family and it isn't you guys.' Atlas sniffles that that is SUCH A HURTFUL THING TO SAY. One of the minions comes to collect T'Challa before we can wade any further into that drama, knocking him out.

T'Challa wakes up in one of the Collector's cell cubes. The Collector apologizes for that stuff with Nebula earlier. "I simply abhor drama." T'Challa asks why he dresses like that then.

Emilio: What, I can't be fabulous?
Diandra: What, are you both brothers now?
Emilio: Why not?

Anyway, T'Challa asks what the Collector wants. The Collector is like 'something to add to my collection, duh.' T'Challa notes that he's just a human and hardly worth adding to the...let's call it a zoo. The Collector asks if he's sure he can't fly or shoot lasers or...something.

Chrissy: No, you want whatever universe the Mutants are in. Which might be this one. Who knows?

T'Challa offers to fight him so he can "find out". The Collector says nah, he can stay in the cage. And then we get to the line that probably justifies this whole thing: "where I come from, history has never looked kindly on those who lock men in cages." The Collector snots that his superpower is that he "can bore someone to death using only his sanctimony." Deciding that he's not worth keeping, he orders Ebony Maw and that Pixie whose name I never bothered to figure out to kill him and strip him for parts.

Nebula goes to the Ravagers' holding cell and interrupts Atlas' rant about how she could BETRAY them like this by shooting the minion guarding them. In case that wasn't clear, she says she's come to rescue them. Yondu notes that it isn't like her to change her mind. She says she didn't, it was always the plan to fake a double cross. We flash back to her and T'Challa talking at that bar as she says she told T'Challa what the Collector wanted. She tells the Ravagers that she figured she could "settle the debt" AND steal the Embers with this plan, but she didn't know about that Wakandan ship. That was a surprise. T'Challa insisted they not tell the rest of the team, which Yondu notes is probably because he knew damn well his father figure wouldn't knowingly walk him into a trap. Nebula holds up a little chamber thing like 'oh, I already got the embers, by the way. You're welcome.' They ask what happens with T'Challa now then. Nebula winks that he's "keeping his escape plan close to his chest."

Cut to T'Challa taking off the necklace and wielding it like wolverine claws to punch his way out of the glass cage. He goes to leap at Ebony Maw and Maw just freezes him in mid-air and binds his hands and legs with shards of broken glass. And then the pixie just...shoots Maw. T'Challa splatters on the ground. She shrugs that she liked that thing about cages that he said earlier.

The Collector intercepts T'Challa as he's running through the collection maze. He clobbers him a couple times with what looks like a gauntlet made of rocks, then offers to use some other weapon and opens a box containing stolen weapons like Cap's shield and Mjolnir, which...suggests some alarming things about this universe. He pulls a dagger he identifies as having been taken from the ruler of the Dark Elves. T'Challa picks up the rock gauntlet to deflect blows. The Collector pulls out Hela's headgear next, which apparently is where the next sword he produces comes from. He calls it a necrosword. T'Challa dodges his swings and rips the headgear off. It boomerangs right back onto the Collector's head, at which point he starts throwing daggers.

The Ravagers are running from the goon squad when Thanos decides he can buy the rest of them time to escape if he stays back to hold them off. Nebula asks if he's crazy because there's no way he can hold them all back by himself. "Not crazy," he says. "Mad." And he runs toward the bot army and all the Black Order goons and starts fighting them all one by one. Until Proxima Midnight hamstrings him.

The Collector is gloating about how T'Challa abandoned his home and family and now his OTHER family has abandoned him and isn't that just karma? T'Challa repeats the "a Ravager never flies solo" line and this time Yondu responds right away, the arrow knocking Hela's antlers off The Collector's head and shattering them. He snarls that there was no way he was just going to leave this place without his kid. He sends the arrow spiraling toward the Collector's chest and the Collector just catches it midair and breaks it in half.

Meanwhile, Thanos is getting his ass kicked by Proxima Midnight and the big brute with the axe. They pin him to the ground and Proxima is just readying a death blow when Nebula returns, gun blazing. The ogre picks her up like a doll and roars and she just tips some embers down his open throat. He drops her and explodes into a beanstalk or something. Nebula and Thanos escape the violently expanding plant to the ship, which Kraglin flies toward the nearest exit before belatedly asking about T'Challa and Yondu. Nebula is sure they're fine.

And if by "fine" she meant "not dead yet"...sure. In a pause between beatings, T'Challa suggests a move called "sticky fingers" and Yondu will take the less desirable role because he's a FILTHY LIAR. Yondu runs at The Collector and gets punched a half a dozen times, but steals his arm canon thing and opens one of the boxes so T'Challa can kick him into it. The Collector does the typical bad guy speech about this not holding him and they CANNOT ESCAPE HIM. The pixie wanders over and T'Challa hands the wrist thing to her. He and Yondu swagger off while she uses it to open ALL the cells but the one the Collector is in. At least until all the beings he kept trapped are surrounding it. He moans about Karma.

T'Challa and Yondu escape on the Wakandan ship and message Nebula on the Ravager ship to verify that they all made it out. And a dog in a spacesuit managed to sneak onto the Wakanda ship for some reason. T'Challa mutters that Yondu has a soft spot for "runaways". Yondu starts to take the segue into a discussion of what happened, but T'Challa shrugs that he was the one who ran away and told him he wanted to see the world. Yondu just...showed him the whole universe.

Chrissy: ............and told him his family was dead in case he got any ideas about going back.
Diandra: Yeah, still doesn't quite work, does it?

T'Challa isn't sure where he belongs anymore. Yondu assures him he wouldn't be out of place on any planet anywhere. The question is where he WANTS to be and "you're just gonna have to follow your heart on that one, Mr. Star Lord."

So sometime later, the Ravager ship lands in Wakanda and the whole troupe parades into the palace behind T'Challa for his family reunion. T'Challa apologizes to Baba for taking so long to return and introduces him to his second family.

And again, sometime later, Okoye is also noting that Thanos sounds like a genocidal maniac. Nebula is acting embarrassed to be around him. T'Chaka asks Yondu how, exactly, his son ended up on their ship. Yondu starts rambling about this job he took and...T'Challa just says he was lost and Yondu found him. End of story.

Chrissy: Because if we start questioning it, it looks a whole lot less sweet.

The Watcher returns to say that another family reunion was going on...somewhere. Peter Quill, voiced possibly by the same guy doing the Chris Evans impression on the last episode, is cleaning floors at a Dairy Queen after hours when Kurt Russell's Ego introduces himself. His eyes glow and the Watcher says "too bad this might spell the end of the world. But that's a story for another day."

There's a dedication to Chadwick before we get to the credits because, of course, he died before this could be released.

Chrissy: Which is the main reason you decided to slog through that episode, right?
Diandra: Yeah, I figured I would heavily truncate a couple episodes in the back half of this series so I could stand a twenty minute merger of two of the movies I actually recapped for Chadwick's last performance. Also, while this series as a whole could probably be skipped, every episode feeds into the last one so once I made the decision to attempt recapping it, I knew I couldn't skip any episodes entirely.
Emilio: The next couple are better.
Diandra: The next three, yes. Which is good because at this point I'm wondering why I thought recapping this was a good idea.
Chrissy: Because we now have reason to suspect it is a preview of shit they're going to do in future movies?
Diandra: Maybe.
Chrissy: So, in this universe Earth is destroyed because Quill is still on it and Ego has to recover him himself? Is that the way I'm reading that?
Diandra: Well, Quill is certainly not equipped to fight him, so...maybe? One thing is certain though: the Star Lord in this universe is MUCH smarter.

Chrissy: So is nobody going to mention that Howard the Duck sounds exactly like Chris Griffin?
Diandra: Seth Green usually sounds like Chris Griffin.
Emilio: Doesn't really help with making Howard likable to give him an annoying voice like that though.
Diandra: Howard the Duck is supposed to be likable?

Episode 3: What if the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Samuel Fuckin' L. Jackson, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, Tom Hiddleston, Clark Gregg, Jaimie Alexander, Frank Grillo, Lake Bell (oh, look, they are going to credit the one doing an impression of Scarlet Johansson) and Mick Wingert (doing an impression of Robert Downey Jr.)

I...forgot that they did the surprise voice in more than the one episode. Okay.

According to the massive title card, we begin on a Monday. Nick Fury starts the speech about the Avengers initiative, which Natasha cuts into like 'yes, we know, groan.' He says she must know what's at stake then. She says yes, "which is why I'm surprised you'd wanna bet the future of the Avengers Initiative on THAT." The car they are in pulls up to a donut shop, where Tony is lounging inside the giant cartoon donut in his iron man suit, stuffing his face. Fury says Stark has "potential."

Chrissy: So this is basically a full on mirror of the decision to hire Robert Downey Jr. to headline this series.
Diandra: I'm pretty sure the parallels between him and Tony Stark were never secret. In fact, they are the reason he was hired in the first place.

He's obviously hung over, Nat mutters. Fury is like 'hey, remember when I hired an actual Russian assassin? Good thing I didn't have your standards then.' "You should know I'm not afraid of a big swing."

Emilio: ...ing dick.

Inside, Tony and Fury sit at a booth and Tony mutters that he doesn't WANT to join the secret boy band, okay? Fury snots that he likes to do things himself and how's that working out for him? He gestures at the visible veins in Tony's neck from when the arc reactor tried to poison him. He says Tony's become a "problem" that he has to manage and "contrary to your belief, you are not the center of my universe." He gestures at Nat, who comes up behind Tony and injects him with something before he can resist. Fury says that was lithium dioxide, which will "take the edge off". She says it isn't a cure for the poison thing, but it will alleviate the symptoms. Tony starts gagging and - to their surprise - falls sideways out of the booth. Nat checks his pulse and declares him dead while Fury gapes in horror.

Chrissy: Notice how she seems to not even realize that this is a variation of a scene from "Iron Man 2", Emilio?
Diandra: Hey, remember when we recapped the first Avengers and you made me answer a bunch of questions to determine whether I really could skip everything that came before it?
Chrissy: And then you went ahead and skipped "Thor" anyway and it became a thing? Yeah.
Diandra: Remember what I said when you talked about possibly going back later to recap those movies?
Chrissy: Something like "whatever, as long as I never have to do 'Iron Man 2'."
Diandra: Yes. Thank you. Moving on.

Fury's face blends into the Watcher's as he rambles about humanity not being able to see the big picture. He says three things happened in the same week, covered by three movies: Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk (the one with Edward Norton that everybody forgets is in this universe) and Thor. The Watcher talks about the "crucible" that would turn these three men into a superhero team with two other guys and Nat. We see the animated still of all of them having their hero moment in Avengers. But that's not how things were going to go in the universe of this particular episode, obviously.

Tuesday. Coulson finds Mjolnir in the desert and calls Fury. Fury is with Nat, who has been taken in for questioning on suspicion that she murdered Tony. Fury apologizes that he can't do anything for her since there are protocols SHIELD has to follow. Except SHIELD is also obviously where the tainted drug she gave him came from and he's pretty sure she can break out of custody easily, so...he slips her the syringe and says he needs "someone on the outside" to figure out who killed Tony. She gets into a transport vehicle with, like, a dozen other men. Once they're a minute or so down the road, she hands her open cuffs to the guy next to her with an innocent "mind holding these for me?" And then she beats the shit out of all of them and escapes.

Chrissy: I want a recount on which of them is the strongest Avenger.
Diandra: Yes.

In New Mexico, Clint fills Fury in on the weird space hammer SHIELD has built a lab around. Thunder rumbles and Clint says yeah, and THAT has been going on all night. Fury thinks SOMEONE must want it back and surely whoever it is will come for it eventually. And hopefully it will be "an ally".

Someone is picking off all the guards around the area, but we don't really see who because he's a blur. Coulson finds one of the downed agents and sounds the alarm. He is talking to Fury over the walkie when he sees Thor knocking out a couple guys. He describes the intruder as "mid 20s with...really great hair." Fury is like 'what the fuck, dude?' Coulson says yeah, well...he's fucking gorgeous, okay?

Chrissy: He's got broad shoulders and beautiful blue eyes. 10/10, wouldn't kick him out of bed.

Fury is like 'okay, I need someone objective here' and asks if Clint can see anything. We get something like a replay of Clint taking aim at Thor as he moves toward Mjolnir and Fury telling him to hold off because he wants to see what this guy does. Clint becomes distracted too as he notes that Thor really does have nice hair.

Chrissy: I'm thinking this is where the discussion of Captain America's ass really came from.
Diandra: Coulson? Yeah, that...that makes perfect sense, actually.

Thor reaches for the hammer, but before he can actually grab it, Clint shoots and he falls over dead. Fury yells that he TOLD Clint to stand down and Clint yelps that he didn't do it. Whatever agents remain descend on him because that was OBVIOUSLY his arrow there and he is taken into custody.

In the holding cell that contained Thor in the original storyline, Clint is muttering that he doesn't understand what happened because he doesn't just...slip and misfire. Outside the cell, Fury tells Coulson that the "intruder" is a) from another world, b) dead and c) "almost a thousand years old." Uh...didn't somebody say Thor and Loki were about 1,500? What's this now? Coulson says that's two "high value SHIELD targets killed by our own agents inside 24 hours." Also, he gives Thor the nickname Muscle Beach. Fury asks how Clint is doing. Coulson says he won't talk to anyone. Fury thinks he'll talk to him. Except he can't because Fury finds him slumped over dead. He yells for a medic and everybody tries to figure out what could possibly have happened because he was all alone in the cell.

We smash right to Coulson and Fury talking over Clint's body in autopsy. Coulson says they're checking his blood for cyanide. Pretty sure there would be more obvious signs pointing to that like foaming at the mouth or something, but okay.

Chrissy: Ease up there, Sherlock.

Fury doesn't think Clint would willingly abandon his wife and kids like that. More likely, he was killed by the same person who killed Tony. Coulson asks how that could have happened in a locked cell under close observation and with no signs of struggle or wounds.

Chrissy: There's a guy in New York who might be able to help.
Diandra: Stop trying to make the Sherlock crossover happen.

Fury gestures at Thor's body on another table behind them and Coulson wanders over to SNIFF him because that's not weird at ALL and notes that he still smells like lavender somehow.

Emilio: Do you need a minute alone?
Diandra: NO! Do NOT leave him alone with the body.

Getting back on subject, Coulson doesn't think there's a whole lot of connections between "a billionaire playboy and a SHIELD assassin. Unless you have any ideas?" Fury mutters that there WAS an idea and sulks away. Coulson sniffs the air again after Fury leaves and why the hell did you leave him alone in there?

Chrissy: Yeah, does nobody know about the 'watching Cap while he was unconscious' thing in this universe yet? And hey, does anybody have eyes on Cap?

Wednesday. Culver University, Virginia. Nat drops in on "Doctor Ross" for a quick check of how many people watching this series realized that the Edward Norton movie was canon. For those who need a refresher: this is Betty Ross, the daughter of Thunderbolt Ross (RIP William Hurt) and she was played by Liv Tyler. That is not who is doing the voice here.

Emilio: She's a version of The Hulk in the comics.
Diandra: Red She Hulk, right? Like Thunderbolt is Red Hulk?
Emilio: Correct.
Chrissy: It really is creepy the learning curve you've taken since we first started this series.
Diandra: I'll take that as a compliment.

Betty snaps that she'll tell Nat the same thing she told the SHIELD agents: she doesn't know where he is.

Chrissy: He probably has a whole new face by now.

Nat says she's not here about Big Green, she's here because Tony Stark might have been murdered. Betty asks who would do that. Nat says someone trying to frame her and hands Betty the syringe. Betty asks why Nat came to her in particular of all people. Nat trusts her to keep this off SHIELD's radar.

Inside a lab, Nat hovers while Betty looks at the syringe through a microscope. She concludes that there is nothing biological on it and the antidote never made it out of the syringe. But the needle looks like it's been blasted apart by a tiny projectile. Which is not her field, so...she's done. Nat spots a pizza delivery uniform on a table and asks if Betty has a side job now. Betty says a student must have left it. I mention this little aside because I suspect it's an alternative to the old Stan Lee cameo appearances. The pizza place is called Stanley's.

Nat gets a call from Fury, who says he has bad news and more bad news. "Barton's dead." Her face falls. She takes a moment to blink back potential tears and growls "who do I kill?" He says they're not sure who is doing this yet, but the killer seems to be going after Avengers Initiative candidates. Nat thinks that would be a good way to "kneecap SHIELD". She asks who else is on the list. Fury says uh...Bruce Banner and Nat. So she needs to hide, but she needs to find Bruce first. Nat eyes Betty, who is giving off clues that she doesn't want Nat looking in a cabinet along one wall. Nat is like 'done' and goes to open the cabinet. Betty tries to stop her and she threatens her. Bruce sticks his head out to diffuse the situation.

Chrissy: EEK! Who are you and what happened to the other guy?

Nat seems to sense danger and says they need to get out of here.

Coulson is driving through the desert somewhere when Fury calls to ask where he is. Coulson says he went out for coffee and "got you a double macchiato, just how you like it." Except when he arrives outside the gate, everything in the car levitates and something seems to blast down nearby.

Inside, an agent notifies Fury of a massive energy surge.

Coulson hides behind his SUV and yelps that he sees it and it seems to be some sort of meteorological...thing. That looks like the bifrost touching down, but he wouldn't know about that yet. When the dust settles, there is a whole Asgardian army at the SHIELD gate with Loki front and center. A bunch of agents flood out to meet this and Fury steps in front and asks if maybe they're lost. Loki snarls that this pitiful mortal should be KNEELING before him as he is a god. Fury says yeeaaaaah, "we don't do that here."

Chrissy: At least not for free.
Diandra: ...............
Chrissy: What?
Diandra: [sigh]

Loki launches into the glorious purpose speech but doesn't get through his title before a phone starts ringing, interrupting him. He stops and starts a couple times and finally ends on god of mischief and asks if Fury is going to get that because he's trying to give a speech here.

Emilio: Well, maybe if you got to the point faster.
Chrissy: I could kill you all.

In Virginia, Nat is dragging Bruce along that sky bridge, phone to her ear, muttering for Fury to pick up. Bruce says really, everyone would be better off if they just left him to fend for himself. Because he apparently can't die. Nat notes that they're about to test that live when a bunch of agents, led by Thaddeus, arrive and aim every weapon at them. He is voiced by somebody doing an impression of William Hurt because I guess a full half the cast of this episode is not the original actors.

Fury finally takes the call and says this is not a good time. She says yeah, me neither. "I've got General Ross, a dozen snipers and a few tanks. What are you dealing with." "Space Vikings," Fury says unironically. He tells her to just take care of her problem and go into hiding like they said. He hangs up and asks Loki what, exactly, he wants with them. "Vengeance," Loki snarls. Because his brother, the crown prince of Asgard, was murdered on this backwater planet.

Nat identifies herself as an agent of SHIELD and says she has Banner in her custody so Ross' men can stand down. A sniper somewhere fires and Bruce falls down. She yelps that she JUST SAID don't shoot. Ross is confused and asks who the hell just did that. One of the soldiers says it wasn't them. Bruce warns Nat that she should really get out of here as his eyes are starting to turn green. She leaps from the bridge and lands in her super stylized hero pose.

Chrissy: Such a poser.

Bruce goes full Hulk and Ross' men start shooting.

Someone hands Loki the casket of ancient winters and he says they will accept the planet as retribution. Fury ducks as he opens it and starts blasting.

Hulk jumps down to the ground and starts throwing cars. We intercut between destruction in both locations as Loki ices over all the SHIELD agent vehicles.

Betty runs out to try to stop her daddy suddenly and Nat tackles her and says there's nothing she can do right now. Betty thinks daddy will listen to her. Nat doesn't think it matters because he didn't start this. Betty asks who did then. Before Nat can answer, they are interrupted by Hulk suddenly inflating out of control until he just...explodes. Betty sobs that he CAN'T die.

Fury yells that declaring war on the planet isn't gonna bring Loki's brother back, so he can knock that the fuck off right now. Sif reaches over to close the casket and point out that he's right and "the Allfather would want us to listen."

Chrissy: Is he already in a coma? Is that why he couldn't come himself?
Diandra: Uh...since Loki introduced himself as the prince of Jotunheim...maybe?

Loki glowers while Fury says the same person who killed his brother killed two of their people, so they should be working together to catch him. Loki snorts at the idea that they could be allies. Fury says at least allow them to catch the guy and Loki can "have your pound of flesh." Loki is intrigued by the implications of that expression, but says he will have to deliver them the entire body. Fury is like 'fine. Just give me time to catch him.' Loki looks at the sun and says they have until the next Midgardian sunrise. "Or I will reduce this planet to ash and ice."

Back in Virginia, Nat is visiting a public library after hours. So probably breaking and entering. She calls Coulson to get his password since she is locked out of the Avengers Initiative files and wanted on top of that and can't just log in herself. Coulson says yeah, well, he's not telling her his password. Not because he cares about security, mind, but because when she finally convinces him to do it it turns out to be "#SteveSteveSteveIheartSteve0704".

Emilio: Dude.
Diandra: Yeah, I'm not sure if that's more cute or sad.
Chrissy: At least it's the clean version.

Nat is like 'wow, I am totally never going to let you live that down. Kthanksbai.'

As she's going through files, there's a weird buzzing noise somewhere behind her. She looks back and sees nothing. She pulls up files on Fury, Coulson, Maria Hill, Janet Van Dyne and Alexander Pierce. Then we focus on her face as she questions how a woman who died two years ago managed to access a file yesterday. She picks up her phone and the buzzing starts again. She declares that whoever it is will NOT win this fight. And something invisible starts throwing her around as Fury's voicemail picks up. "Fury, it's Hope," she yells. "It's all about Hope!" And the fact that the subtitles capitalized "Hope" bypasses any confusion there might have been about whether she was being philosophical. The invisible man drags her away from the phone.

Sometime later, Fury sits at a diner table and repeatedly plays back the recording. Coulson reminds him that they only have four hours before Loki is expecting them to hand over the killer. He notes that this situation is kind of the reason he proposed the Avengers Initiative to begin with. And there is still one name on the list. He pushes the document about the Initiative toward Fury and points to his signature on the bottom. Fury blinks at it, says he isn't the only Avenger left and goes out to his car to retrieve the pager that works like a Bat signal for Carol. Coulson trails behind him and asks what that's for. Fury says it's their last hope. He seems to realize something and he repeats Widow's line about Hope. He starts the car. Coulson asks where he's going. Fury shrugs and says either to make a pact with a god or a deal with the devil, he's not sure.

He drives out to the iced over area where the Destroyer Sentry was left standing guard and says he's come to see its boss.

Thursday. Somewhere in San Francisco, Fury visits the grave of Hope Van Dyne. Hank comes out of the mist in what is apparently the Yellowjacket suit to snarl at him about DARING come out here and stand over his baby girl's grave. And this is actually Michael Douglas, uncredited earlier presumably because we would have figured out who the killer must be a lot sooner when Hank failed to show up for the bulk of the episode. Apparently in this universe, Hope died while on a mission outside of Odessa and Hank blames SHIELD. Because they exploited her longing to be reunited with her mother. Fury asks if she was an agent too. Which should probably tell you something is off here already. Hank rants that they filled her head with nonsense about saving the world and she died "doing SHIELD's dirty work" just like her mom. Fury starts listing the names of the would be Avengers Hank killed in some sort of retaliation. Hank says yeah, since Fury took everything from him, he wanted him to suffer. We get little flashbacks of him going through the needle of the syringe that killed Tony, knocking Clint's hand loose on the bow, flying out of Clint's ear after doing...something, flying into Bruce's bloodstream and injecting him with something that kicks him into overdrive and just fighting Nat in mini form.

Fury is confused as to how Thor fits into this. He wasn't in the original initiative. Hank thinks he would have been recruited and sold on some hero bullshit because "that's what you do."

Chrissy: Kind of a stretch there.
Diandra: Yeah, but I suppose they can't do the time traveler version of this that would make sense for the comics where he already knows how things would turn out and is picking them off specifically to prevent the Avengers from forming to defeat Ultron. Or something.
Emilio: He is actually the bad guy in the comics.
Diandra: That's what I'm saying, yes.

Fury says that's it then? "you murdered him because you could?" Hank rants that "his death was a favor. Yours will be a triumph."

He closes his helmet and shrinks. Fury just...bats him to the ground. He gets back up, expands and starts throwing punches that Fury deflects like he's bored with how easy this is. Then he leaps right over Hank's head and lands in superhero pose. Hank is like '....the fuck? Aren't you just as old as I am? How did you not just hurt yourself?' He shrugs, shrinks and takes another run at Fury. Fury punches him and he skids along the ground until he hits a gravestone. Hank expands and yells that Fury never cared about Hope. Fury yells back that he doesn't care about ANY of them. Hank runs at him again and gets slapped down. Fury gets in his face and taunts that he's really not doing to well with this kill Fury plan, is he? Then he disappears and reappears behind Hank. Hank tries to catch him and he does it again.

Chrissy: And this is where it should be obvious who this really is.
Diandra: Yup.

About three dozen Furys surround Hank. He tries to fly off and an icicle forms around him and crashes him back to the ground. All the copies of Nick Fury laugh at him before turning into Lokis. They coalesce into the real Loki and the real Fury joins him. Hank asks what's up with "the goth kid". "Trickster God," Loki sasses. "Hi." Fury squats beside Hank and says that SHIELD is a group of people willing to risk their lives for the greater good and "save the world from men like you." He takes the pym particle whatever off the suit so Hank can't escape and they are surrounded by agents. He adds that Hope was a great agent and her sacrifice will never be forgotten. "Then you honor her," Hank snarls before he's dragged away.

Loki notes that that was fun. Fury is like 'glad to entertain you. Now get off my planet.' Loki says yeah...no. He's decided he wants to stay just a bit longer.

Friday, United Nations building in New York. Loki goes to the podium and announces to his "loyal subjects" that all the nations of Earth have decided to unite under his command. He then launches into the entire "you want to be ruled" speech from the first Avengers and he intends to help the people of Earth "fulfill your destiny."

Somewhere else, Fury and Coulson stand guard over coffins containing the fallen Would Be Avengers. Coulson bemoans the fact that they never even had a chance to "rise". Fury says the initiative was about more than one team. It was about "the affirmation of humanity's need to believe that in our darkest hour we will find our heroes."

The Watcher chimes in that in this universe "hope never dies. As long as someone keeps their good eye on the bigger picture." We see Fury locate Cap, still stuck in the ice. He swipes snow from the shield and says "welcome back, Captain." Before we think he means Steve, he turns his head toward Carol Danvers, appearing beside him. She adjusts her gloves and asks where the fight is in a voice that is not Brie Larson's.

Chrissy: So, obviously that has implications that ripple through the whole Infinity Saga.
Diandra: Yeah. What does the fight with Thanos look like when five out of the six original Avengers are not in it? I mean...apparently the original Avengers didn't include Cap, but even then four out of the five are dead in this universe, leaving only Ant Man, so it's not like it's closer to the comics.
Emilio: And Scott's whole story would be messed up too.
Diandra: Right. No Hope, no Hank, no reason for Scott to even become Ant Man in the first place and definitely none of the Quantum Realm stuff. Which, I mean...might pave the way for "Age of Ultron" to be closer to the comic book version, but since they decided to change the rules of time travel for the main MCU universe I suppose they slammed that possible door shut for everything now.
Chrissy [whispering]: Oh, boy. Here she goes.
Emilio [whispering]: Just let her get it out of her system.
Diandra: Which begs the question of how in the goddamn hell they could possibly bring Deadpool or the X-Men into this universe because they operate under completely different rules of time travel so unless SOMETHING is getting retconned... Like, did "Deadpool 2" never happen then? Or were they wrong about how it works at the beginning of "Endgame" and that's why Cap was able to live in the past of the same universe for decades? Which would make more sense, but would piss off the mansplainers. Which would be a win-win, honestly. Did the two of you say something just now?
Chrissy: Nope. Wanna go right to the next episode then?
Diandra: Yeah, okay.

Episode 4: What if Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands

Hello, long ass title.

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Benedict Cumberbatch, Rachel McAdams, Benedict Wong, Tilda Swinton, Ike Amadi, Leslie Bibb

The Watcher begins by summarizing that so far we've seen examples of how one thing or one decision made a ripple across time. Pretty sure the last episode was about more than that, but okay. Now, he says, we're going to show you what happens when somebody makes the wrong choice?

Chrissy: Alternatively (which won't become obvious until the end): we've been showing you minor alterations and changes so far and now we're going to have everything go absolutely to shit for the next couple episodes.
Diandra: Yeah, the whole point of both the premise and the fact that it's an animated series is that they can go nuts and do shit they can't do in the rest of the MCU. Kill major characters, run headlong into an apocalypse, give Howard the Duck a bigger role. Whatever.
Emilio: I love that it sounds like you're ranking Howard the Duck as crazier than a full on apocalypse.
Diandra: Well...........yeah?

Anyway. We're back to Doctor Strange's origin story. But we're in the version where Christine agreed to be Stephen's date for that dinner thing he was driving to when he had the accident and yes, I had to look that up to remember it.

Chrissy: And now it's obvious why you do these recaps.
Diandra: I believe I already noted this, yes.

He picks her up in a fancy sports car that might be the same one he had in the original version with doors that rotate open instead of swinging. He gushes about how beautiful she looks and she's like 'calm down. I'm only doing this because you promised to buy me creme brulee.'

Chrissy: Oh, well...there's the mistake you made the first time, Stephen.
Diandra: Bribe her with dessert?
Chrissy: Yes.

As he's driving along that twisting mountain road, she demonstrates that she is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHARACTER in this universe by begging him to give her a preview of his speech.

Chrissy: Okay, so...dessert and be a completely different character that she hasn't broken up with yet.

He barely finishes the first sentence of introduction when she cuts him off like 'yeah, no, you need to fix that unless you want to put people into a coma.' He points out that he barely said anything. She suggests he try rushing the podium like a contestant on "The Price is Right", yelling and high fiving people.

Chrissy: If we call ahead, maybe we can have some men in white coats waiting for you with tranquilizers.
Diandra: Does anyone else think Rachel is inexplicably animated like the crazy chick from Archer here?
Chrissy: That's who she looks like. Thank you. Also...is that the first time you correctly identify her on the first try?
Diandra: I'm not THAT bad at this. [turns to Emilio] She's the one on "Picard", right?
Emilio: .............no.
Diandra: Who am I thinking of?
Emilio: I don't know. Alison Pill?
Chrissy: Oh, for crying out loud.

Whatever, she says they need to CELEBRATE because he successfully performed a "radical hemispherectomy" and he's so amazing. Seriously, who is this woman? Stephen gets stuck behind a semi, tries to go around it and nearly smashes straight into an oncoming car. Except he manages to hit the brakes and pull back to the right side behind the semi before they are hit. The car stops and he reaches for her, panting that it's okay. Everything's fine. And then another car comes up behind them and smashes them right over the guardrail and the car flips crazily downhill and lands nose first in water. He wakes up and reaches for her, sobbing "no" repeatedly and we cut right to her funeral as the Watcher exposits that Stephen didn't lose his hands in this universe. But in grief he basically went down the same path anyway, running to Khamer Taj and learning about magic.

We skim through to the part where he discovered the Eye of Agomotto, AKA the thing with the time stone. Wong catches him screwing around with an apple and chastises him for messing with time, warning that he could weaken the fabric of the universe that way. The Ancient One is with him, presumably because having Mordo here would just complicate things too much for a half hour show. She adds that they're supposed to be PROTECTING the universe, not "threatening" it. We skip right to her dying and the Watcher says but the threat did come and the world lost her. And Stephen Strange became the Sorcerer Supreme before defeating Dormammu.

Chrissy: So are we retconning this now?
Diandra: [shrugs violently, throws up her hands] Probably?

But, The Watcher notes that he had trouble letting go of the past. He sits in a chair in front of that attic window in the sanctum, fingering the Eye of Agomotto and has what might be a flashback of her wearing his shirt and flirting.

Chrissy: I said your heart's in the wrong place, Wade. Er...Stephen.
Diandra: That is exactly what it looks like, now that you mention it.

Wong finds him, points to the bottle of liquor beside him and notes that he "switched to the cheap stuff." Knowing exactly why he's moping, he asks how long it's been. Stephen says two years as of tonight and asks what Wong is doing up this late. Wong says he "needed the little sorcerer's room" and what is STEPHEN doing? Stephen just tries to hide the pendant in his hand. Badly. Wong offers to go start a kettle and "I suggest you join me before you do something reckless."

Too late. Stephen gets up, puts the Eye of Agomotto on and uses it to go back to the moment he picked up Christine. He looks a little surprised that that worked and she asks what's wrong. He stutters that he probably just had a "mild cardiac event."

Chrissy: Oh, well. No biggie then.

She reminds him he promised her creme brulee again and he says he would give her the world.

Emilio: Or, like...destroy it.

This time, when she begs for a preview of the speech, he claims he's going to wing it and just run up to the stage like a contestant of some game show. She laughs and says seriously? Dude. Okay, now you HAVE to do that. She asks if he's ever even seen a game show. He pulls up behind the semi and puts the blinker on. She takes his hand and says "I must owe someone a muffin basket for this personality shift."

Chrissy: Oh, so you DID notice that? "Muffin basket" is totally code, by the way.
Diandra: Of course it is.
Chrissy: Don't you want to know what it's a code for?
Diandra: No. I REALLY don't.

He plays with the turn signal some more and suggests that she just makes him happy. And then apparently the guy behind them crashes into them again, but we don't see anything going on outside the car until it flips off the road. "No, not again," he screams when he wakes up. He calms, gestures and a green glow emanates from where the time stone is in reality before he snaps back to the moment of picking her up.

Emilio: [hums a couple bars of I Got You Babe]
Diandra: Yeah, the parallels are even more obvious now.

This time we skip the entire conversation and go right to him speeding through town. She notes that he missed the turn for the bridge and he's like 'nope, trying something else this time.' He says they'll be fine a second before they are t-boned by a semi at the intersection.

And we go right to the next iteration. This time they're arguing about whether they should even go to the dinner thing. He suggests just staying in and ordering pizza and creme brulee. She points out that it's not just about dinner; he's supposed to be accepting an award.

Chrissy: Eh, Will Smith will probably get it anyway.
Diandra: ..............dude.

She says no, she didn't put on this fancy dress just to get pizza grease on it. She promises they'll have a good time. Apparently they actually do make it this time and are on the dance floor when she starts coughing and just collapses.

The next time around, he does convince her to go for pizza instead, despite the fancy dress and a guy comes into the restaurant with a gun. We flash through a couple more iterations of the car losing a tire and being smashed without any further context. Then she's just standing at the curb, wondering why he's not showing up. He's drinking at a bar somewhere when a news report comes on the TV about a fire or explosion or something and the casualties included this one doctor... He glares at it and uses the time stone again.

This time when she asks if something is wrong, he just mutters "why does this keep happening? Aren't we allowed to be happy?" She's like 'okay, so...already drinking I guess...' She offers to drive. Since it's possible he hasn't thought to try that before, he lets her take the keys.

Sometime down the road she's like 'so, are we gonna talk about why you're being so weird, or...' He mutters that she is the only thing that matters and braces as a car barrels down on them. This time he crawls from the wreckage and screams in frustrated outrage. The Eye of Agomotto is visible around his neck suddenly and a portal opens behind him. The Ancient One floats out of it and asks if he's having car problems. He glowers and asks what she's doing here. She says she's here to help since "this is where it starts for you." He becomes so distraught by the death of Christine that he will "seek answers in the mystic arts". Uh...that already happened. You're talking to a future version of him that's been playing Groundhog Day and trying to meddle with this fate at least a dozen times already. He snaps at her to HELP him bring her back then. The Ancient One says she can't because Christine's death is "an Absolute Point in time." After this episode dropped, the writers apologized for not being on the same page as the writers of "Loki" because obviously they should have called it a Nexus Point, but...there was another obvious alternative here.

Emilio: Fixed point. Sorry.
Diandra: And that would be it.

She explains that without Christine dying, Stephen would never have defeated Dormammu and become Sorcerer Surpreme and guardian of the infinity stone that he's using to fuck with the timeline now. So he can't change it because that would create a paradox and probably put the entire universe at risk.

Chrissy: Wait, so time travel works differently if you use the time stone? Because this sounds like the more traditional theory.
Diandra: Yeah, it sounds like the version Stephen King used in 11/22/63, but [rude, exasperated noise] whatever.

Anyway. He can't reverse an Absolute Fixed Nexus Point, so stop it. He gets in her face and says SHE taught him that nothing is impossible, so if he could only get more power... She tries to console him that the greatest sorcerers in the world could never reverse fixed points like that's not going to make him want to try harder. He goes for the angle of they don't know that for certain since literature and sometimes whole ass libraries have been lost to time. She tells him he's only torturing himself and he should accept that she's gone and he can't do anything to save her. Going down the path he's thinking of going on "only leads to darkness and the end of this reality." And because this is the wrong choice the Watcher was talking about, he's ignoring her and opening the Eye of Agomotto. She warns that she will be forced to stop him and forms her magic shields. He snarls that she'd have to FIND him first and she sends a blast into his chest.

And he is suddenly in a jungle somewhere in the Eastern world and his shirt is scorched. He asks a surprised native with two different colored eyes where he can find the lost library of Cagliostro. When the guy doesn't respond, he starts repeating words like "library" and "books" and miming opening a book like that's the part of that request that was the problem. The native just sort of sniffs at the gibbering white man and walks out of the jungle. Stephen follows and just past the clearing is an ornate building carved into the side of a cliff. He notes that it doesn't have a door anywhere and portals himself up to the opening, calling "anyone home?" down a cavernous hallway. A rune forms on the floor and he tests it by tossing some pebbles across it, which makes it sort of...puff smoke? Maybe. He forms shields and blasts it away or something. A couple steps down the corridor and about a thousand more appear, both on the floor and in the air all around him. The floor under him disappears and he splatters into the dirt somewhere underneath.

The "native" reappears, holding a staff, laughing and noting that he's dressed really weird for a sorcerer. Stephen grumbles that it's Armani as he tries to dust the suit off. Anyway, he's looking for the sorcerer Cagliostro because he saw a legend that he could break an Absolute Point in time.

Chrissy: You saw that in the last few minutes?
Diandra: Yeah, I feel like the shortened length of these episodes is making them jump past key details.

The...guard, or whatever he is...says Stephen can maybe find Cagliostro "here, maybe there. Maybe nowhere."

Emilio: Outlook hazy. Ask again later.

"Please tell me you're not Cagliostro," Stephen moans. The guy says nah, he's the librarian, O'Bengh. He tells "Sorcerer Armani" to follow him. Stephen says it's Strange, actually and O'Bengh naturally shrugs that it isn't THAT strange.

Chrissy: [long, heavy sigh] Yes, because the name jokes never get old.

O'Bengh shows Stephen into a courtyard with a cherry blossom in the middle, a few towering shelves of books and several random books just suspended in the air. Stephen identifies them as the "lost books". O'Bengh leaves him to it and he starts magicing books off the shelves until he finds one for time manipulation. He reads aloud from it that breaking an Absolute Point requires an immense amount of power, which can be gained "through the absorption of other beings."

So he tries it. Conjuring some sort of rune on the floor and using whatever spell he found to summon a being. What looks like the tentacle monster that dragged Peggy into the Tesseract explodes out. He introduces himself to it and says he needs to borrow some of it's power and would it pretty please be willing to give him a tentacle or two? It grabs his leg and shakes him around like a baby rattle.

He wakes up sometime later to O'Bengh wiping his face with a cloth. He asks what happened.

Chrissy: Well, I got to you before it finished taking off your pants, so you're welcome.
Diandra: Oh, thanks a lot. Now I'll have to start over.
Chrissy: .........I wasn't expecting you to go along with that one.
Diandra: I don't see how I can avoid it. I think Doctor Strange might have been second only to Venom in tentacle porn fanfiction even before this. Maybe in part because of that scene in "Infinity War" that looks like erotic asphyxiation without context.

I just really wanted to use these

Emilio: So has anyone sexualized the idea of "absorbing other beings" yet?
Diandra: At least one. But again, I can think of at least three stories off the top of my head where he has sex with an alien or multiple aliens for...reasons. A couple of which are saving a dying race by procreating with it.
Emilio: Are you sure LOKI is the fandom bicycle?
Diandra: There can be more than one in a fandom.
Chrissy: Although this sounds more like Stephen is the fandom glory hole.
Diandra: Thanks for that image, Chris.

Before we completely lose track of this scene, O'Bengh actually just says that he can't BARGAIN with mystical beings and "their powers are not meant for man."

Chrissy: You have clearly only just met this guy if you think telling him something is too much for him to handle isn't going to just make him try harder.

Stephen grumbles that those beings have what he NEEDS. O'Bengh asks if she is really worth all of this suffering and pain. Stephen is like 'you think I'm doing this for shits and giggles?' O'Bengh says there's "a fine line between devotion and delusion" and he might be in danger of losing his mind here.

Chrissy: Too late.

Stephen just snottily asks which book he got that little chestnut out of. O'Bengh just somewhat naively says life taught him that and leaves the room.

We morph to Stephen in that cavernous room somewhere with the rune in the floor as he concludes that the lesson he's taking from O'Bengh is that the beings won't just SURRENDER their power. He has to TAKE their power.

Chrissy: [loud sigh]
Diandra: Yeah, I've seen a couple people question whether it's in character for Stephen to do something this reckless and stupid and dangerous. The best response to that was one person pointing out 'you are talking about the guy who got into an accident because he was texting while driving 90mph through winding mountain roads at night in the rain, right?' It seemed weirder to me that The Ancient One trusted his instincts so implicitly in "Endgame".

He says he'll start small this time and summons...a tiny gnome. I mean, it's obviously evil, but...seriously? Beams of light project from his eyes and mouth and suck up the gnome like a tractor beam. It squeals in alarm as it is absorbed into his chest. He moves to something larger, summoning some sort of bug queen. He takes her cape, but says "I draw the line at bugs" and sends her back. The next creature is some sort of raven with about a half a dozen glowing eyes.

Chrissy: I will say it's nice to see him working his way up slowly this time. I seem to remember he had trouble with being patient enough to do that in the first movie.
Diandra: [muttering] Yeah, you would remember that, wouldn't you?
Chrissy: What was that?
Diandra: Nothing.

He seems to take the Raven directly into his mouth. He does the same with the next one: a fire breathing dragon and briefly spews a jet of fire himself, his face going devil red. We flash quickly through a two headed ram, a demon with horns and some sort of bat creature. After he absorbs that last one he sort of collapses and the Watcher narrates that he has chosen "the wrong path".

Emilio: No shit, Sherlock.

The Watcher says he COULD try to intervene now and warn him. But, as Chrissy pointed out earlier, that probably wouldn't do much to actually discourage him. Also something about the fate of this one universe not being worth the risk to the others. Stephen stops panting and looks around, calling "hello?" like he can hear the Watcher. Then he shakes it off and we montage through him summoning a few more monsters, apparently over the course of many days.

Once he's determined he's strong enough, he summons the boss level tentacle creature again. He gestures and the tentacles sticking out of the rune are sliced off. The disembodied tentacles still crawl toward him, wrapping around him and briefly making him look like a more organic version of Doctor Octopus before absorbing directly through his skin.

He goes to find a white haired O'Bengh laying in bed, looking like he's probably at death's door and asks what happened. O'Bengh is like 'yeah, that's what happens when you fuck with time.' Stephen starts to open the Eye of Agomotto and O'Bengh stops him. He says he already used that to stay frozen for "centuries". How...how old is O'Bengh then? What year is it in the rest of the world? Stephen thinks he can "reverse" O'Bengh's aging so he can live longer. Forever, even. O'Bengh plays the death is part of life card, which Stephen unsubtly responds to with "I can't accept that."

Chrissy: Obviously or we wouldn't be here.

O'Bengh realizes this, but thinks maybe "the other Strange" will be able to. Stephen is like 'the what now?' O'Bengh declares that he is "only half a man" like that's not a thing he's probably been told by an angry ex girlfriend at some point.

Emilio: Ouch.

The Watcher explains that there is more than one Doctor Strange in this universe. We go back to the moment when Wong offered him tea and warned him against doing anything stupid and then walked away. This time, Stephen stares at the Eye for a minute before grumbling that he's right, tossing it on a table and going to take him up on that offer.

Sometime later, he walks out of the Sanctum to find buildings - and people and cars and everything - seeming to evaporate into the air in weird black smudges. He questions what the hell that whiskey he just drank was spiked with.

Chrissy: Isn't it morning? Why are you drinking already?
Diandra: Also, if this is not that long after the last scene...was "put on the kettle" some sort of code or does Wong actually make tea using whiskey?
Emilio: I feel like either of those things is a warning sign of alcoholism.

A massive portal opens in the street and he starts reacting to it like a threat before The Ancient One emerges from it in her ghost/astral form. He notes that she's dead and she's like 'nothing gets past you, does it?' She is a "psychic impression sent through a splinter in reality', but he can think of her as an "echo". He mutters that he was going to guess this must be the end of the world or something. She says it is, actually, and they don't have much time. He asks who is causing this. She says uh...well...you are. She says when he used the Eye of Agomotto to go into the past and figure out how to get past the Fixed Point, she knew she wouldn't be able to follow him, so she used power from the Dark Dimension to break him AND the timeline in two. So he is the one who didn't go crazy and absorb a bunch of mythical creatures so he could fuck with time. But because both possible versions are existing in the same universe, the other version of him is still breaking reality. "I doubt that's the simplest or smartest thing to do," he says, acting as audience surrogate. So basically, he concludes, he has an evil twin now. She's like 'eh...I wouldn't say EVIL really...' But if he succeeds in reversing the fixed point like he's determined to, the temporal paradox will destroy the universe and they're running out of time to stop it. And he is the only one who can stop his demented twin.

Chrissy: No pressure, though.

So this Stephen and Wong are casting rune spells in the air at the entry of the Sanctum and Wong summarizes that reality is breaking and only HE can stop it because he's the one who CAUSED it. "Let's be honest, we've been through weirder," Stephen shrugs. Wong is starting to evaporate in black smudges. He asks if Stephen really wants to stop this other him because he was in love with Christine, right? Stephen stutters that he HAS to stop him "at the very least to save you."

Emilio: Aww. Love you too, man.

Wong flicks a "heavy duty protection spell" into Stephen's forehead and asks how he plans to find this other Stephen. There's a weird noise and a glowing circle appears on the floor under him. Wong notes that that's probably not good. Stephen says no, probably not before he's dropped screaming through it, Wong calling good luck after him.

Chrissy: Yes, now you know how it feels!
Diandra: Oh, blow me, Loki.
Chrissy: I think you know as well as I do that we would both enjoy that, Stephen.
Emilio: You should write this fic.
Diandra: Stop it.

He splatters on the floor in that enormous room evil him was using to summon beings. He seems to be alone. He starts heading to the edge of the circle and the runes burn and kind of spark. He asks aloud where he is. A shadowy monstrosity of all the beings the other him consumed appears and as it approaches it turns out to be the other Stephen's shadow as he replies in a deeper voice that he should really be asking WHEN he is.

Chrissy: You know, I don't think we really talked yet about how we would handle all the coming instances where the characters we are roleplaying have multiple variants. Looks like you're up first, D. Good luck.
Diandra: First and third, I think, so we should have this down by the time we get to what looks like a live action version of this episode.

Dark Variant growls at Stephen not to be afraid because they are literally the same person. There's a long pause while Stephen stares at him like 'jesus christ, I'm in that evil mirror episode of Star Trek.'

Chrissy: OH MY GOD, would you cool it with the Star Trek references?
Diandra: Never.
Emilio: Or you could embrace it and call Evil Strange Khan.
Diandra: No.

Stephen asks what the FUCK happened to him. Dark Variant non answers that he needed to get Stephen alone because Wong and The Ancient One wouldn't understand. "WE knew her. We LOVED her." Stephen says yeah, well, they can't bring her back without breaking the world, which is already happening out there. Dark Variant has some weird rage episode where the beings he consumed seem to spiral out of him in a fiery explosion before being sucked back in.

Chrissy: And you think you don't like Bruce Banner when he's angry...

He rants about how many nights they spent staring at the time stone, trying to gather the courage to go back and save Christine. He says he spent centuries and sacrificed a lot, but he found it. Stephen asks if that means he can save her. Dark Variant says no, their powers are diluted with the split in half, so...he grabs Stephen's arm and transports them both back to the scene of the accident. Stephen says no, they can't. Dark Variant says he just doesn't BELIEVE it's possible. But they LOVE her. Stephen says this isn't love, "this is arrogance."

Chrissy: Ah, yes, that would be your main character flaw.
Diandra: Funny how you can only see your flaws in other people, isn't it? Even if that other person is TECHNICALLY ALSO YOU.

He further psychoanalyzes that this drive to fix everything is what got him into the mystic arts. "I will be whole again," Dark Variant snarls. Stephen points out that that can never be true because "your marbles are long gone." Dark Variant blasts Stephen with the tractor beam and the runes on his face glow. Stephen repeats that they can't save her.

Chrissy: Hey, I have a question...did that fic where Stephen had to have sex with the beings whose powers he was absorbing extend here?
Emilio: And if it doesn't, can you write that fic?
Diandra: Ugh, when did YOU start with the fic prompts? Do we really need another "character fucks his clone" fic? It wouldn't even be anything new.
Diandra: No, but it would actually be canon this time. And let's face it, the only person you love more than Christine is yourself so you would definitely enjoy it.
Diandra: We already spent a LOT of time being repeatedly speared by a giant face that kind of looks and sounds like us. It wasn't that great.
Chrissy: [slow clap]
Diandra: That felt like Id and Superego all over again.
Emilio: Sounded like it too.

Dark Variant sends a couple blasts at Stephen, who deflects them with a glowing shield. Dark Variant levitates and throws one blast after another, which Stephen keeps deflecting. He says Dark Variant needs to let go. Dark Variant is like 'too late! I'm committed to this!' His hand starts turning to tentacles and he flies down and tries to strangle Stephen with it.

Chrissy: See? You know what your kinks are.

The protection runes glow and Stephen throws him back and starts tossing glowing shields at Dark Variant to distract him while he runs up and wraps a light whip around him.

Chrissy: You both do.

Dark Variant sends some sort of blast down the rope and knocks Stephen off, then hits the ground and creates a shockwave that somehow contains some sort of serpents.

Chrissy: Having fun with the descriptions over there?
Emilio: Think of it as practice for "Multiverse of Madness".
Diandra: That's exactly what I'm afraid of, thanks.

Stephen wraps Dark Variant entirely in yellow string energy or whatever the hell that is and Dark Variant flings his cloak into Stephen's face. It carries him over to the river to drop him in and he makes a portal, slipping out of his own cloak so they're left battling each other while he reappears next to Dark Variant. They toss light ropes back and forth until Dark Variant gets Stephen on his knees with ropes wrapped around his neck.

Chrissy: You really do love the bondage, don't you?

Dark Variant sends a sustained blast of energy at Stephen and Stephen screams as the runes glow. His cloak tries to rush to his rescue, but Dark Variant's cloak won't let it. It dodges the other cloak and just wraps around Dark Variant's arms, breaking the beam. Dark Variant makes outraged animal noises and...melts the cloak right off somehow. Stephen gets back up and sends his own energy blast at Dark Variant, creating a spectacular explosion. For a second, there is nothing, then a glowing orb floats over where Dark Variant used to be, distracting Stephen while a shadow grabs him from behind and drags him underground.

There's a weird little sequence where Stephen is surrounded by a hellish landscape of what looks like flames and those oily black drips of the universe melting and then he's in that dream world with Christine again. She says they can be together again and have that creme brulee he promised her.

Emilio: I'm starting to think that's code for something else.
Chrissy: Starting?
Diandra: She's the one who likes creme brulee. He prefers a good dark chocolate mousse.
Chrissy: ..................I am so alarmed right now.
Diandra: So am I, actually. I don't even know what I'm saying. [ETA: probably this]

She cups his face and whispers "I love you" and he sees little snatches of Wong and everybody else melting and she kind of glitches for a second. He pulls away from her and says she's not Christine. She turns into Dark Variant, who punches him.

Diandra: At least you stopped before that got really weird.
Diandra: I think we both know you would have been into it.

And then they are falling through the sky somehow, punching each other repeatedly, with Dark Variant almost knocking the runes completely off Stephen's face a couple times. They slam into the ground with Dark Variant on top of Stephen.

Chrissy: Hey, who said YOU could be on top.
Diandra: Like it was going to be any other way?

Stephen moans that he can't do this. Dark Variant says THEY must and sweeps the one remaining glowing rune from Stephen's forehead. He stands and tractor beams Stephen up to merge right into him. Then he opens the eye and screams as it creates an explosion outward and flames red. When the dust settles, he is an unrecognizable shadowy creature with glowing eyes. He levitates the already crashed car, separates it into many pieces and catches Christine as she floats out. With a hand that is part tentacle and part claw.

Christine blinks up at Demonic Stephen and his enormous bat wings and quite reasonably starts freaking the fuck out. She shrieks that this isn't real and she must be having a nightmare and crawls away from him. She starts melting into black goo along with everything else. Demonic Stephen says he can fix this. Her screams get higher in pitch and she starts crawling right over a cliff. He turns back into his recognizable shape and yells in the general direction of the sky that "this wasn't supposed to happen" as the chunk of rock they are on levitates. She looks around at everything melting away and asks Stephen what is happening. He tries to create some sort of protective bubble around them, possibly a mirror dimension, but it's closing in. Then he looks right at The Watcher and begs him to "fix this". The Watcher becomes more visible and points out that "fixing things" is how he got himself into this mess in the first place. He was WARNED. Stephen whines that he was wrong and he realizes that now and "the world shouldn't pay for my arrogance." Apparently he stumbled on some references to The Watcher at some point and identifies him as a god who has the power to undo this damage. Punish him for his mistake instead of literally everyone else. The Watcher says he ISN'T a god, actually. "And neither are you." And if he could just punish Stephen instead of his entire universe, he would, but he can't interfere, so. "You more than anyone else should understand that meddling with time and events only leads to more destruction."

The Watcher disappears outside the closing bubble and Stephen screams some more about how he DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.

Chrissy: You were told repeatedly that it WOULD happen, though.
Diandra: And he stubbornly denied it.

Everything collapses inward until it's just him and Christine in a tiny bubble surrounded by blackness. She is melting away in his arms and he's sobbing an apology. "What did you do," she repeats before melting away entirely. He curls in a fetal position and keeps muttering apologies as we pan out to show the tiny bubble surrounded entirely by blackness. The Watcher concludes that yep, one decision destroyed an entire universe.

Chrissy: He fucked around and found out.
Diandra: Yeah.

Emilio: That still feels kinda out of character though.
Diandra: I don't know that it is. Which is probably why I wrote something about him being willing to risk ripping a hole in the fabric of spacetime to keep his lover from dying in a fic long before this series came out. As I said though, this episode and the last one are about more than one character doing something different or a battle going differently or whatever alt history writers usually use as a launch point. It started with changes in relationships that happened before the story started. Stephen and Christine still being together. Hope dying and setting her father down a path of vengeance. Would either of them make these choices in the main MCU storyline? Probably not because that scenario wouldn't even come up.
Chrissy: You pointed out that Hank becoming a villain is closer to the comics version, so there's probably a wide range of what can be considered "in character" for any of them depending on what you are using for a reference point.
Diandra: Yeah, and given that these characters have all been around for more than half a century now there's not even a consensus within the comics. The Doctor Strange in this episode is obviously different from the Doctor Strange of the MCU and I'm not sure how much of either actually comes from the comics. I'm pretty sure Christine is a completely original MCU character because doing the whole alien wife thing would have been weird.
Emilio: So what you're saying is that he IS out of character, but that's the point.
Diandra: Yeah, I guess so. I mean, Thanos was wildly out of character in the last episode. The writers of the MCU have certain boundaries they have to stay within to maintain continuity. The writers of this series have absolutely no limitations. They can write themselves right over a cliff, killing all the leads and bringing about an apocalypse and it doesn't matter because it doesn't affect anything else.
Chrissy: So basically like fanfiction.
Diandra: I've seen all things Marvel described as basically fanfiction, but yes. This more than anything else is the ultimate AU/canon divergence fic.
Chrissy: How's that fic going that you so casually mentioned a few minutes ago, by the way?
Diandra: Shut up.