"Spider Man: No Way Home"
Starring: Tom Holland, Zendaya, Jacob Batalon, Benedict Cumberbatch,
Marisa Tomei, Jon Favreau, Alfred Molina, Willem Dafoe, Jaime Fox, Tobey
Maguire, Andrew Garfield, JK Simmons and the voices (mostly) of Thomas
Hayden Church and Rhys Ifans
Appearances by: Benedict Wong, Charlie Cox
For the last few Marvel recaps I've noted how COVID wrecked whatever plans
there were originally for the MCU, first by pushing back the release dates,
like, three times and then by messing up the order in which parts of the
story were supposed to be told. At one point I thought this movie would mark
the point at which they finally righted the ship, but...no. It wasn't as
obviously affected as "Multiverse of Madness", but the fact that it was
supposed to be a sort of joint story that came AFTER that one (which was
supposed to be in theaters at the same time "Loki" was running) shows that
the whole multiverse plot wasn't revealed the way it was originally supposed
to be and there were a lot of fan reactions that couldn't quite grasp that
because they seem really determined to believe that every single detail was
mapped out from the beginning.
Chrissy: Hence the fan theory that
"Multiverse of Madness" takes place BEFORE "No Way Home" to explain any
weird inconsistencies in character and/or plot.
Anyway. I'm sure this will come up at some point - or several points -
later. But the biggest reason fans were willing to overlook any plot holes
or inconsistencies here is because this movie relied VERY HEAVILY on fan
Diandra: Yeah. Aaaaaaalmost had it there.
Chrissy: I mean, if you're giving a
guy a reacharound, he's not going to notice, like, ANYTHING that you're
saying while you're doing it.
Diandra: Thanks for the imagery. Can always count on you for crude
Emilio: What about me?
Diandra: Yes, you too. Although in this case, you're here because
you ARE Peter Parker and you probably remember ALL of the Spider Man
movies better than we do.
Emilio: Yeah, probably. Although to be fair, I remember a lot of
things better than you do.
Chrissy: [laughs and high fives Emilio]
Diandra: Already ganging up on me then. This'll be fun.
Anyway, previously on Marvel, the company nearly went bankrupt and sold the
rights to Spider Man and the X-Men in the 90s. Both turned into wildly
popular franchises with Toby Maguire and Hugh Jackman respectively (I mean,
there were other people in the X-Men movies, obviously, but...), although
according to popular opinion they both fell apart after two movies. Spider
Man rebooted again for reasons of needing to maintain copyright or something
with Andrew Garfield and didn't even get past the two movies.
Chrissy: Yeah, my favorite piece of
trivia on this movie is that Andrew responded to people demanding a third
"Amazing Spider-Man" with "where the fuck were you people in 2014?"
The X-Men is still trying reboots or prequels or whatever the hell is going
on over there, but we'll get to that later. Maybe. Because where I was going
with this little story is that after those first two franchises, Marvel took
a gamble on Robert Downey Jr. staging a comeback and launched movies about
all the second tier DC ripoff characters in the pantheon and accidentally
created the biggest franchise yet. Twenty something movies and a half a
dozen TV shows later, here we are.
Diandra: And the answer to that is, obviously, elementary school.
Previously on this particular iteration of Spider Boy Wonder: Peter was
introduced as a sort of protege to Tony Stark, which I guess makes a sort of
sense even though we're doing his entire character arc while he's still in
high school. He fought Birdman...er...Vulture and Mysterio because I guess
they were avoiding literally anything that looked like the stories fans had
already seen twice in the past two decades. Instead of Tony convincing him
to out himself as Spider-Man during the Mutant Registration debacle that
turned into a Civil War as happened in the comics, Mysterio dropped that
bomb in a video leaked to the press. JK Simmons, who went from Tobey's
curmudgeon of a boss to Andrew's "yeah, he's in here somewhere, we swear!"
vague reference has turned into the MCUs right wing scream "news" host who
gleefully broadcasts the video on every frequency everywhere.
We begin right there, with Jake Gyllenhal's voice babbling over the opening
studio cards about how Spider-Man attacked him with Stark's drones and he
says he's going to be the new Iron Man and "Spider-Man's name is Peter
Parker!" This time, instead of cutting to credits, Peter's "what the fu..."
is cut off by a car honking loudly. MJ is on the ground where he just
deposited her and he sees people start swarming around her like 'aren't you
his girlfriend?'. Peter jumps down to try to pry her away and people start
descending on him, angry because they now believe he is a cold blooded
murderer and he's JUST A CHILD at that.
Emilio: Well, I should really be in
college by now, but whatever.
Diandra: Yeah, it was interesting to go back and look at what the
comic book arc for his character is and how each franchise chose different
pieces to construct it. Tobey's mostly followed the arc but skipped over
the whole Gwen Stacey thing (and then weirdly introduced her later as a
third wheel). Andrew's focused entirely on that part and never got to Mary
Jane. And then Holland's...
Emilio: They're pretty much doing their own thing with an MJ who
isn't really either of his comics girlfriends.
Diandra: But tried to do the Civil War thing in a sort of backwards
way without any of the context covered in the other versions, yeah.
One lady tries to rip his mask off and yells that he hit her when he pushes
her away. He finally just grabs MJ and webs out of there, flying past
screens where JK is showing his yearbook photo and declaring him Public
Enemy Number One. And a poster for the Rogers musical. Which is, arguably,
more traumatizing. MJ is clinging to him for dear life and stops screaming
long enough to ask where they're going. He suggests her house. She says her
dad will KILL him. Because even if he liked him before...
He lands them on a beam so he can take a call from Ned and they just scream
"DUUUUUDE" at each other a few times before MJ is like HELLO, I'M STILL
HERE. A passing zipline car full of tourists gawks at them, as do people on
nearby balconies. And then a couple helicopters hover near them. They swing
down into the subway past Flash, who is just now figuring out who SpiderMan
is because he really is that dense. Except instead of maybe getting on a
train he just swings them along the tracks for a bit and they crawl up back
through a manhole. "That was so much worse," she mutters.
Emilio: You're totally going to break
up with me, aren't you?
She wraps all her limbs around him and he apologizes before webbing them all
over town again until they reach his and Aunt May's apartment and crawl
through a window. Out in the hallway, Happy is tearfully apologizing that he
didn't realize May was "so miserable". She says no, it was fun, but it was
just a fling. They can totally "hang out" again though. She starts to close
the door on him when there's a crash from Peter's room and he rushes to
check that out. As he's barreling down the hallway, we hear Peter yelling
"oh no, I don't know what to do!" He opens the door and Peter is mostly
undressed and MJ is cradling his head like she was trying to get his
attention or something and he draws the obvious conclusions.
Chrissy: Although the yelling about
not knowing what to do makes that kinda...worrying.
Diandra: At least he admits it?
Happy backpedals, swearing he didn't see anything there and May starts to
close the door with a reminder for them to be safe, whatever they're doing
there when she realizes the girl is MJ. She greets her instead. Peter
notices Happy has been crying and he says yeah, they broke up. Thrilled to
have this distraction, he latches onto her and asks what happened. She
mutters something about boundaries and rushes to answer the door as the bell
rings. This whole scene has been one long shot with everybody talking
quickly and over each other like maybe it was written by Aaron Sorkin or
something. And it keeps going as Peter pulls May from the door and MJ slams
it in a curious neighbor's face and returns to the living room to find May
whispering to Peter about being so nervous about sex. Peter says this
doesn't have anything to do with sex and runs around webbing all the window
shades down as people yell about Spider Man outside. The TV switches to a
"breaking news" story about Spider-Man's identity as he tries to talk to May
and Happy about this breakup thing. MJ points to the screen and they realize
they're looking at a shot of the outside of the apartment building where
three helicopters are hovering and a crowd is forming on the street. Peter
suggests this might not be as big a deal as it looks.
And we smash to Jonah Jameson yelling about "Spider-Menace", the MURDERER
and WAR CRIMINAL who is being investigated by MULTIPLE governments.
Emilio: See? It's fine.
Sometime that night, Peter and May are still watching news footage
announcing that the drones used in that attack in London were definitely
from Stark Industries when some agents bang on the door with an arrest
At the police station, he tries to explain that he didn't kill Quentin Beck,
the drones did. Which...yeah, doesn't sound great. I mean, basically it's
the equivalent of the gun he was using to try to kill Peter backfiring,
right? Anyway, the cop says the drones were Peter's. Peter insists Nick Fury
was there the whole time and they can just ask him. And here's where a post
credit scene becomes critical to understanding because it wasn't until then
that we knew it wasn't really Nick Fury the whole movie. One of the cops
says yeah, about that...Nick Fury hasn't been on Earth for the past year,
so. Peter is confused, but he's distracted when May and MJ (and Ned for some
reason) are paraded past the interrogation room. He says they had nothing to
do with any of it and they simultaneously yell at him to NOT say ANYTHING
until he has a lawyer.
We quickly drop some exposition that was somehow never mentioned before when
the cop interrogating MJ calls her "Miss Jones-Watson" and she snaps that
she doesn't go by "Watson". It's just "Jones". So...she's a completely
different character. But not really. It's not all that clear. The cop asks
why a smart girl like her would risk her whole future by "getting involved
with a vigilante like Peter Parker?" She doesn't say anything, probably,
because she's too smart to fall for their attempt to get her to talk without
a lawyer present. Ned, however...just babbles about helping Peter fight
Vulture LONG before MJ knew anything. The cop is like 'oh, so you admit to
being his main accomplice!' He's like 'uh...I plead the fifth?'
The cop goes to May next and smarms about how she is guilty of child
endangerment. And since she is effectively his mother now, this encouraging
him to endanger everyone else is just...awful.
Chrissy: And on a related note...have
you even had the Birds and the Bees talk with him? Because eye witness
testimony suggests you haven't.
She refrains from ripping his head off with her bare hands. Sadly.
And then they're all back at the apartment watching a news story about Stark
Industries being under investigation and using a picture of Happy from
apparently the turn of the Millennium with that unfortunate long hair look
to accompany his "no comment" statement. He thinks it's a good picture.
Chrissy: Oh, honey. No.
And then Matt Murdock
sits at the table with Peter, hanging up his phone and announces that the
charges against Peter are not going to stick. But the feds are still looking
into that missing Stark Industries tech, so...Happy might need a lawyer if
he was involved in that. Also, even though Peter isn't in any LEGAL trouble,
there's still "the court of public opinion". A brick comes sailing through
the window suddenly and Peter starts to catch it but Matt is a couple
seconds faster. Peter is like 'dude...what the hell? Aren't you blind?'
Chrissy: Did ANYBODY see my show? I
mean, I know it was on Netflix, but still.
Diandra: Seriously, this is sort of an awkward scene that probably
had to be explained to a lot of people. Like...everyone who wasn't the
target audience of fanboys who have watched literally everything Marvel
(and possibly nothing else) for the past two decades.
Peter takes the brick and looks down at the paper wrapped around it that
says "we believe Mysterio". May realizes they're going to need to move to
So they go to a safe house of Happy's, which is triple locked and alarmed.
Dum-E waves at them from the kitchen.
Peter goes to wash his Spider costume and finds a case from Stark Industries
hidden in the laundry room. Then he apparently just retires to the couch and
calls MJ so they can chat about whether they've gotten their college
applications in yet and what he sees as her best qualities. Which he is
obviously being flamingly sarcastic about because they include "relentless
optimism" and being into sports. MJ hears a noise and Peter shows her Happy
sleeping on a barcalounger in the corner because May has his room. MJ turns
serious and asks if Peter is maybe just a little relieved by "all this".
Peter says he's only had one week of "normal" ever since he was bitten by
that spider. Whenever that was. It was when she found out because once she
knew then everyone he cared about officially knew.
Emilio: And also, like...a bunch of
guys - and a few girls - in spandex and whoever Vulture talks to in prison
before he's sent into the Morbius universe in a few scenes apparently.
Diandra: Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and pretend that shit never
Chrissy: You and a LOT of other people.
Happy suddenly tells Peter to hang up because he could really use some sleep
instead of listing to a couple teenagers gush and goo and make heart eyes at
Chrissy: The fact that he can hear
anything around [a sleep apnea machine] proves that the machine isn't
actually turned on.
So Peter returns to school a newly minted celebrity, running the gauntlet of
protesters and groupies outside. Flash, meanwhile, has totally taken
advantage of all of this to quickly write a book in the last few days or
something and peddle it to the reporters as a tell all from Spidey's best
friend. Because he's THAT kind of dick. He's standing right next to Peter's
actual best friend Ned, who the reporters don't recognize at ALL, while he
does this, which...I feel like this is the potential breeding ground of a
Emilio: Well, that would make sense,
because Ned is a Spiderman villain in the comics.
Diandra: Yeah, he told me about that when I first saw the movie.
This was another character I knew nothing about outside of the MCU. See
also: Christine Palmer, who is a completely different character and we'll
definitely be talking about that with the next movie. Anyway...Wikipedia
only has him as a minor character - the abusive husband of Jameson's
secretary - who becomes the third Hobgoblin. Nerdopedia though...has a
whole story that might provide some insight into where this part of the
MCU might have gone and which this movie might be giving occasional
winking references to. Apparently while he was Hobgoblin, he helped Mordo
steal a book of Magic from the Sanctum Sanctorum that somehow made Mordo
the Sorcerer Supreme and Ned his apprentice.
Diandra: And this involved going into the realm of Nightmare, who
was originally supposed to be the villain in "Doctor Strange 2", so...
Emilio: I don't know if that would have been better or worse.
Diandra: It's wildly different anyway, which brings me to the thing
I will DEFINITELY be bitching about in the next recap: HOW THE FUCK CAN
THIS BE UNIVERSE 616?!
Gah. Moving on. For now.
One of the ways we are shown how surreal things have gotten in Peter's life
is that he and MJ are wanded by security guards before they can get in the
high school, which...um...is already a thing in a lot of inner city schools,
actually. Welcome to America, where the number one cause of death in
adolescence is now gun violence because Republicans worship the second
amendment too much to do anything about this.
Inside, he is greeted by the principal, that teacher we've seen in the last
two movies and that one teacher who referred to Captain America as a
terrorist and is apparently here under protest. They have changed the school
moto to "where we shape heroes" and made a display case about Spider Man.
The principal says they're totally cool with him swinging through the halls
or crawling on the ceiling to avoid his classmates or whatever. Peter walks
away awkwardly, through a crowd of classmates all taking pictures of him on
Chrissy: Luckily, it's senior year,
so it wouldn't be weird if you just...ditched out early.
He and MJ hide out on the roof of the building sometime later and MJ proves
to be the weirdest Zoomer by reading to him from a physical newspaper. It's
a tabloid all about Spider-Man and she highlights the part where they
suggest he may have the power of hypnosis that he uses to "seduce
Jones-Watson into his cult of personality." Because, you know, male spiders
are known to do that to female spiders according to a reporter who either
read that science fact wrong or got if from some mirror universe because I'm
pretty sure that's backwards and also one of Spider-Woman's abilities. Ned
crashes in on their little party and rambles about how they should all live
together when they get into MIT. Peter thinks that sounds great, but they
need backup schools in Boston in case they don't all get into MIT. So
they'll be together anyway and he can still be Spider-Man because they have
crime in Boston, right?
Emilio: Yes, but Batman is already
taking care of that.
Diandra: Ha. Wait...which Batman? Because two of them are already
villains in the MCU - one directly connected to Spiderman - so that would
leave...oh, god, it's Emo Twilight Batman, isn't it?
Emilio: Or it could be Batfleck, which would mean all the other
Justice League characters would be there too.
Diandra: I both love that and think it would be the crossover from
Peter notices MJ doesn't seem enthusiastic about this plan and she recites
her life philosophy: that if you expect disappointment, you can never be
disappointed. He holds her hand and assures her it will be a "fresh start"
and they will be together no matter what. Ned puts his hand on top of theirs
like 'I too am in this relationship!'
To whimsical music (according to the closed captioner), May and Peter open
rejection letters from colleges he applied to, which he brushes off because
they are "backup schools". When he gets the letter from MIT, he and Ned rush
to the cafe MJ works at so they can all open their letters at the same time.
The sad music telegraphs the contents before their facial expressions. Peter
and MJ confirm verbally that they were rejected. Ned reads out loud that it
is due to "recent controversy" that they can't even consider the
applications. In other words, their proximity to a guy the world has decided
is a murderer. Peter whines that this isn't FAIR, which...uh...yeah, kid.
Welcome to your first lesson in life. Flash crashes in wearing an MIT
sweatshirt and acts surprised that the others didn't get in which shows a
surprising ability to tell who is really Peter's friends and who isn't on
the part of admissions since he tried so hard to convince everyone he was
one. He apologizes lamely and runs out of the diner. MJ says it doesn't
matter because she wouldn't have changed anything. Ned agrees. They rip up
their letters and leave Peter alone to contemplate the Halloween decorations
that haven't been taken down yet, which include a string of plastic lights
shaped like a person with a witch hat and a goatee.
Chrissy: Are those custom, or...
Diandra: A couple of them look like they might just have the facial
hair magic markered on, but I can't really work out what they are supposed
to look like without that, so...yeah, maybe it made sense in universe for
somebody to make all the witch decorations look like Doctor Strange now.
In case this is too subtle, the Doctor Strange theme (which still doesn't
sound anything like the "Sherlock" theme, Benedict fans, cut it out) weaves
into the soundtrack while Peter has a very slow "aha!" moment. The music
continues as he goes to the Sanctum. He goes to ring the doorbell and the
doors open before he can touch it, revealing the entry and main staircase
covered in ice and snow. Peter steps in awkwardly and starts introducing
himself to the minions who are shoveling the main floor. Wong appears
through a portal and says yeah, they know who he is. He's the most famous
person in the world right now.
Chrissy: Jealousy over that is
probably part of the reason Stephen is going through an Elsa period right
Wong introduces himself offhandedly and tells Peter not to slip because "we
don't have liability insurance."
Diandra: Must you describe it like that?
Chrissy: Yes. Let it go, Stephen.
Peter is like 'so...is this just some really elaborate party prep, or...'
Wong says the gateway to Siberia in the rotunda malfunctioned and spat a
blizzard through the sanctum. Stephen appears and floats down the stairs to
join them while snotting that it happened because SOMEBODY didn't cast the
monthly maintenance spell to tighten the seals. He slips as he lands on the
icy floor, but manages not to spill the contents of his mug, which has a
sanitized swear joke on it.
Chrissy: You know, I know we joke
about you being Doctor Strange, but...I'm pretty sure you actually have
that mug, D. I know I've seen it before.
Diandra: It's not a mug. It's a wine glass. Which is why you would
Chrissy: Ah. Okay. Not sure if that's better or worse.
Emilio: Considering that headcanon you did in "What If", there's a
good chance there's alcohol in that mug anyway.
Chrissy: I just realized all three
guys here are covering their British accents and we should have taken bets
on who would break first.
Diandra: Oh, we all know who would break first. [points at self]
Seriously, I know his fans think he's perfect, but if he talks with this
accent long enough there's always a point where it sounds like he's trying
to swallow his own tongue. (Or as Honest Trailers described it, like a
British man playing a German man playing an American).
Anyway, Wong looks at Peter as he pointedly says that yes, SOMEBODY didn't
do the spells because SOMEBODY forgot that he has more important shit to do
now, being the Sorcerer Supreme and all. Stephen thinks Wong only got that
job by default when he was blipped for five years. "If I'd been here..."
"You'd burn the place down," Wong growls before yelling at the minions to
Emilio: Should I come back later when
you guys aren't fighting?
Chrissy: Nah, we're done. For now. Until His Majesty decides to
make another snide remark about me not keeping up with my duties while
swanning around day drinking.
Diandra: You keep talking to me like that and you wonder WHY I
Emilio: [snort][clapping] I know I had to be in this recap because
of the Peters, but this was really the reason I wanted to be here.
Diandra: The thing is...this actually kind of feels like it's from
the comics where Stephen and Jason (which is his first name there if not
here) have known each other forever and totally talk to each other like
they've been married for years. At least the two that spring to my mind
had them doing that. I distinctly remember one where Stephen teams up with
Peter to defeat a Big Bad and comes home to Wong, who almost literally
greets him like 'so how was your day, honey?' I love that they're bringing
that dynamic in here.
By the way, Stephen is wearing the cloak over both his own college
sweatshirt and a parka, like...way to be extra.
Chrissy: You say that like it's a
surprise to anyone.
Diandra: Oh [blows a raspberry]
He asks what Peter is here for while he heads for a fireplace along the wall
to drop some sort of fire spell into. Peter starts babbling apologies for
bothering him and calls him "sir". Stephen snorts that he can drop the "sir"
thing since it's kind of weird to be that formal after they saved half the
universe together. But Peter calls him Stephen and his face kind of twitches
like 'I was wrong. That's weird. Let's just keep going and ignore that.'
Peter says Mysterio revealing his identity has messed up his whole life and
he was wondering if Stephen could go back in time and fix it. Stephen says
they already messed with spacetime to resurrect billions of people and he
wants to do it again for THAT?
Emilio: Uh, well, we COULD wait for
somebody to shoot Aunt May like in the comics so it makes more sense,
Peter claims this is ruining the futures of everyone in his vicinity and all
they are guilty of is knowing him. Stephen is like 'yeah, that sucks kid,
but the Infinity Stones are gone now, remember? The only way we can mess
around with time travel anymore is if we steal Ant Man's Quantum Time
Peter does his best impression of a kicked puppy and starts slinking away,
muttering that Stephen can forget he was even here. Wong reappears behind
him to say that shouldn't be a problem because "he's very good at forgetting
Diandra: Just because I forgot an
anniversary I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE WERE CELEBRATING doesn't mean I don't
Stephen has a half a second to look at Wong like 'dude, you're really going
to have this out in front of the kid?' before the word "forget" triggers a
thought. He says Wong actually is on to something there. "The Runes of
Kof-Kol" which is a standard forgetting spell that could make people forget
he was ever Spiderman. Wong says no, bad idea. That spell is skirting the
border of dark magic. And here's the first obvious rewrite of these next two
movies. In the trailer for this movie, Wong just tells Stephen not to do it
and disappears through a portal and Stephen winks conspiratorially at Peter
like 'he thinks he can tell me what to do just because HE'S Sorcerer
Supreme. Pffffttttt' and does it anyway. Somewhere between that trailer
release and the actual movie release it turned into this. "We've used it for
a lot less," Stephen says. "Do you remember the full-moon party at Kamar
Taj?" "No," Wong says. "Exactly."
Chrissy: This isn't the time I woke
up next to a goat and you couldn't look me in the eye for a full week, is
it? Or the time we kept finding glitter in your hair and clothes for,
like, a month?
Diandra: Yeah, I...may have used it more than once.
Emilio: You should write a fic about this.
Diandra: Not everything is a fic prompt.
Chrissy: No, but this DEFINITELY is.
Stephen makes his own puppy dog eyes at Wong and says Peter has suffered
enough. Wong grumbles whatever, just "leave me out of this" and disappears
through a portal.
Chrissy: You know I can't stay mad at
you when you act all cute.
Diandra: [smiles and bats eyelashes]
Chrissy: You're still sleeping on the couch though.
Stephen smirks at Peter, waits maybe half a second and takes him into the
as-yet-unseen basement of the Sanctum to perform the forgetting spell.
Quick question: why does this
place have a torture dungeon?
I can answer that.
You see, Peter, sometimes Stephen is a naughty boy and
needs to be punished...
[loud groan of annoyance]
...and it's just easier if all the equipment is on-site
and also far enough underground that nobody can hear because he can get
That's what I thought.
Ugh. Why do I keep inviting you to do these things?
Because you love me and you are a masochist? That's
another free fic prompt by the way.
No. I am not writing another Doctor Strange BDSM porn fic.
Jesus. We're like, twenty minutes in and this recap is already getting
away from me. [ETA: notice I had to say "another"? Yeah
So actually, when Peter asks what this place is Stephen blathers something
about the intersection of energy currents and parts of the Sanctum are
thousands of years old. Then he randomly adds that it was used to film an
episode of "The Equalizer" in the 80s like 'we are so committing to loading
this sucker with ALL the easter eggs possible that we are not limiting
ourselves to Marvel. Get used to it.' Peter thanks him for doing this and
calls him sir. Stephen says "don't mention it" while he pours something
into, like, a cauldron or something and adds "and don't call me sir."
Emilio: Oh, sorry. Guess that's
probably weird having someone else call YOU that in here.
Diandra: GodDAMNit, Chrissy.
Chrissy: What? HE said it!
Stephen announces he's ready, says it was nice knowing him and rolls his
eyes like he's going into a trance while he starts gesturing. Peter frowns
and says wait a minute...what does THAT mean? Stephen says the spell will
make the whole world forget that Peter Parker is Spiderman including him.
Peter is like wait a minute...it has to be everyone? Really? Stephen says
yes and it is "very difficult and dangerous" to change the parameters of the
spell WHILE he's casting it, so if Peter would just shut up now.
Chrissy: This is why you should have
discussed the terms ahead of time. A concept I would THINK you would
Peter frets that his girlfriend will forget and would that make her not his
girlfriend anymore? The runes swirling around their heads and in Stephen's
hand start wobbling and Stephen asks if she's only his girlfriend BECAUSE
he's Spiderman. Peter doesn't THINK so, but... Stephen swipes all the runes
away and starts over with the conditions that everyone in the world BUT his
girlfriend will forget that he's Spiderman. Peter is like '....and also my
best friend Ned.' Stephen sighs, the runes wobble and he tells Peter to stop
changing the parameters while he's casting the spell now. Peter says yeah,
okay. But Aunt May should know too.
Emilio: Is his safeword still Shambala?
Chrissy: No, I think that was just the wifi password. His safeword
Diandra: You would remember that detail, wouldn't you?
Chrissy: JUST TELL THEM AGAIN YOU
Emilio: I could, but that would be too hard.
Stephen growls FINE, one more exception. Now shut up before I make YOU
forget who you are. Peter starts babbling about how Happy should know too
and explaining who he is and the runes wobble insanely before everything
sort of...explodes and the runes form big rings spinning around them while
they're levitated a few feet and the Sanctum turns into rubble while Peter
yells that everyone who knew he was Spiderman before, like, yesterday should
still know. Stephen looks at the chaos swirling around and strains to gather
the Sanctum back together, screaming. The runes disappear and they drop back
to the ground. Peter asks if it worked then. Stephen is like NO YOU GODDAMN
IDIOT BECAUSE YOU INTERFERED LIKE HALF A DOZEN TIMES. Peter mumbles that it
was only five. Stephen snaps that he TOLD him not to do that and points at
the glowing orb on the podium now that apparently contains the messed up
spell or something and says that it went TOTALLY out of control there.
Emilio: Well, maybe you shouldn't
have invited me to watch while you cast it then. I mean, when you think
about it...this is kinda your fault.
Diandra: [sputtering noises] You know what? You're lucky I don't
have the time stone anymore because I might be tempted to use it right
Chrissy: Can we talk about how Emilio just totally did a call back
to Peter saying pretty much exactly those words to Tony in "Infinity War"?
Diandra: And in this case it is far more applicable. [applauds]
Peter starts to apologize again, calling him Stephen and Stephen barks at
him that it's SIR to him now. Peter sort of shrinks like 'yes sir, sorry
sir' and Stephen mutters that he keeps forgetting that Peter is just a KID.
He opines that the problem was never Mysterio, it was the fact that he was
trying to live two different lives at once.
Emilio: Meh...pretty sure it's that
Mysterio told everyone I was a murdering psycho, but okay.
Stephen says and about the whole college thing...if he asked them to
reconsider their applications and they didn't then there's really nothing
else anyone can do. Peter is like 'wait...I can just ask?'
Chrissy: I love how because he's in
this crazy universe with magic he went to the most insane solution before
even THINKING of the obvious alternatives.
Emilio: Well, that probably IS how most Spiderman plots start.
Diandra: Yeah, I kind of skimmed through all the previous Spiderman
movies to refresh my memory before I watched this one and I realized that
all of his villains are either mentally unstable or had a horrible
accident while trying an insane solution to a problem or both.
Emilio: Or just...had an accident. Which is common in all comic
Diandra: Yeah, fall in a vat of questionable chemicals and gain
When Stephen realizes this, he sweeps the podium with the jacked up spell
aside and menaces toward Peter like he's totally about to straight up murder
the kid. He says Peter didn't think to try asking nicely before getting a
sorcerer to "brainwash the entire world"? REALLY? Peter is like 'uh...no?'
And we smash right to him getting the front door of the sanctum slammed in
Does this mean you won't come
to my graduation party?
That's it, I am DONE dealing with kids named Peter
Peter calls Flash to ask where that party he's at is so he can maybe talk to
somebody there about getting MJ and Ned in at least. Flash says he's taking
a big risk just talking to Peter right now, so...what sort of incentives can
he offer? Peter shrugs and suggests Spiderman swinging him to school for a
week. Flash agrees easily, but wants to negotiate until Peter agrees to tell
everyone he's his best friend. And then the best he can do is give Peter the
location of the Vice Chancellor lady who just left the party.
SpiderPeter swings to the freeway to intercept her and tries to use the
facial recognition software in his suit to match scans of the vehicles
against a picture Flash sent him of her and what happened to Karen? Does
every version of his suit have a new AI voice attached to it? This suit is
nano tech, just like Tony's last one, so he's able to make it disappear to
reveal a regular suit underneath while he walks around the jammed cars to
try to find her the old fashioned way. He finds the car she's in and
launches into a plea about how MJ and Ned don't deserve to be punished
because they agreed to help him even though helping him saved millions of
lives and... His Spidey Sense now comes with an audible ominous ringing
noise and it activates just then. He frowns and jumps on top of the car.
People run past, away from something as yet unseen that is crushing cars
along the bridge. Peter drops down into his superhero pose (which is even
more dramatic than Nat's) and yells at everyone in the vicinity to get off
the bridge. The Vice Chancellor tries to get out of the car,
but...childproof locks are a bitch.
Even though everyone involved here tried to keep it a secret that Tobey
Maguire and Andrew Garfield were going to be in this movie, the presence of
their respective villains was known basically from the beginning. Especially
Alfred Molina's Doc Ock. So it's no surprise when we see the robotic arms
punching through the road from beneath to precede his dramatic entrance in
the very scene that ended the first trailer for the movie. "Hello Peter," he
growls. Peter waves in confusion like 'um...should I know you from
somewhere?' Otto is just as bad at voices as I am, apparently, because he
continues like he's talking to his Peter, demanding to know what he did with
his machine. Peter's like 'uh...no, really, who are you?' Otto is like
'fine, BE that way you little shit' and uses his tentacles to fling a couple
cars at him. Peter manages to web a family out of one of the cars and swing
them up to relative safety. Presumably the other car was empty.
Otto sneers about Peter thinking this fancy new suit is going to save him
and flings him into the Chancellor's car and then into a UPS truck. "I
should have killed your little girlfriend when I had the chance." Peter
spears his way out of the truck with the spider legs that were added to his
suit a few movies back like 'oh, you did NOT just say that.'
Emilio: Even though it makes no sense
since you've probably never met my girlfriend either, but YOU TAKE MY
GIRLFRIEND'S NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!
A helicopter circles the bridge while the two multi-robotic-armed guys fight
in a very CGI and explosion heavy sequence. Peter has to stop when the Vice
Chancellor's car starts sailing right off the bridge, barely catching it
with a web before it is smashed by a passing train below. Otto grabs him
before he can get her out and slings him around comically while he swears
that he has this under control, really.
Diandra: Oh, hello random reference.
Otto gets Peter pinned to the underside of the bridge and rips away part of
the nanosuit. He recognizes the nanotech immediately and absorbs it through
one of his robot arms like 'oh, how precious. Now I've got some shiny red
metal in my robot arms. Cool.' He plunges a dagger end of one of the arms at
Peter, which...doesn't do anything? Apparently? But the suit retracts from
Peter's face while he's groaning in pain and Otto drags him closer and
declares that he's not Peter Parker. One of his roboarms turns on him and
Peter's suit announces that it has detected a new device and is connecting.
Chrissy: I love how Bluetooth
actually works like it's supposed to in this universe. No 'what device? I
don't know what you're talking about' problems ever.
Diandra: I mean...Hollywood is wildly optimistic about electronics
capabilities in general. Just ask anyone who works with any video software
and has seen the shit they do on "CSI".
Peter gets an arm free, tests his control of the roboarms a little and then
uses one to grab the Vice Chancellor's car and set it and him back up on the
bridge. He webs her door open and checks that she's okay. She shakily notes
that Peter is actually one of the good guys in super suits and she will
definitely be talking to admissions about the mistake they made rejecting
him and his friends. She totters off so she can maybe still get to the
airport although I think everyone would understand at this point if she
missed her flight. Peter returns to Otto, who takes a couple wild swings at
him. He reminds Otto that he's in charge of the tentacles now and starts to
ask him questions when the Spidey Sense goes off again. The next Tobey era
villain is preceded by little glowing green grenades that he never actually
used before in those movies, but hey, they were in the comics so shut up.
They create a big fireball of explosions and the Green Goblin emerges
through the smoke on his glider, cackling like the complete lunatic he is.
Because they are from the same franchise, Otto recognizes him and asks
The Goblin dives toward Peter, but doesn't reach him before a portal whisks
him back to the Sanctum's wet basement. He looks around warily and starts to
call for Stephen when the lizard man from Andrew's first movie leaps at him
and smashes into the force field that forms the front of his cell. Otto
bangs on the force field of his own neighboring cell. Peter screams as
Stephen appears suddenly and grabs his shoulder. Stephen is a bit roughed up
and has blood on his face and is basically like 'so guess what bullshit I've
been dealing with since you left here?!' "That little spell that you botched
where you wanted everyone to forget that Peter Parker's Spiderman? It
started pulling in everyone who knows Peter Parker's Spiderman from every
universe into this one." Or...you know...the villains that we could and/or
wanted to put in this movie anyway.
Otto stops banging on the invisible wall and asks who the HELL this guy is
and also WHERE AM I? Stephen tells Peter not to talk to them because they
really don't know very much about the multiverse since the movie that was
supposed to introduce it was STILL FILMING when this one hit theaters,
having been rewritten entirely twice and yeah this whole story is a fucking
mess. Luckily, the audience won't notice because they'll be too busy blowing
their wad over all the easter eggs. Peter says "wait, the multiverse is
real?" I thought Mysterio was just making that shit up. Hell, HE thought he
was just making that shit up. So which universe is this, since it can't be
the one he said, right? Right? ............right?
Stephen starts muttering about how this shouldn't be possible and Peter
notes that he stopped the spell, right? Stephen says he CONTAINED the spell,
but obviously not before these guys got through. Which I suppose explains
the limited number of cameos.
Chrissy: Uh-huh. Sure it does.
Stephen finally gets around to explaining how he figured this all out...sort
of. He says he felt an "otherworldly presence" after Peter left and since
we're not doing the talking ghost dog thing...yet...he followed it into the
sewer where he found Lizard Guy. Otto is like 'can we go back to the part
about a "spell"? Like...as in Harry Potter wizarding nonsense?' Sidenote: I
just figured out why Benedict was talking about going to Hogwarts in the SNL
monologue right now. Ha. Sorry. Anyway.
Diandra: I thought it was just a British joke not a "I'm actually
Stephen decides to do a demonstration, turning to the guy he just told Peter
not to engage with and asking if he knows a Peter Parker who goes by the
alias Spiderman. Otto says yes. Stephen points to Peter and asks if that's
him. No, of course not. He'd be, like, fifty by now. Peter is maybe starting
to catch on and tells Stephen he saw another one of these guys on the
bridge. "He looked like a...flying green elf." Stephen is like cool, he can
start with catching that one and bring all of them back to the torture
dungeon while he figures out how to send them back to their universes
"before they destroy the fabric of reality. Or worse, Wong finds out."
Chrissy: He's still sore from the
last time he did something I explicitly told him he shouldn't. And I mean
Diandra: Would you stop telling people about that?
Chrissy: Stop telling people about that, what?
Chrissy: Good boy.
Stephen starts walking away. For some reason. But Peter starts arguing that
he did successfully convince MIT to take him and his friends back but if
they see him fighting monsters on the 5 o clock news now... Stephen is like
WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT COLLEGE ALREADY and tosses some sort of nano...thing
at him. It slides across his chest and boomerangs back to Stephen, forming
some sort of gauntlet around his wrist. He casts some runes onto it and
fires a blast from it at Peter, teleporting him into an empty cell. Then he
turns some ancient looking dial to open the cell again and throws the
gauntlet at Peter, where it automatically forms around his arm.
Chrissy: We're not even being subtle
about him replacing Tony in every way anymore. Seriously, I know I said it
before but if you even THINK of hitting on Pepper, you're a dead man.
Diandra: They're finally getting around to introducing my wife from
the comics and she's played by Charlize Theron. Trust me, Pepper is safe.
Emilio: Should I start calling you dad anyway?
Diandra: When did you ever call Tony dad?
Chrissy: That might not have been Peter, but I think Tom did it to
Robert in just about every interview for "Homecoming". And then they keep
sending Benedict with him...
Diandra: I figured that was just because Tom proved a liability
when it came to spoilers, so they put him with the guy who had experience
dodging those sort of questions for years. I found it kind of funny that
when they came to this movie, Benedict was shooting "Multiverse of
Madness" and couldn't be in 99% of the press lead up after all and Tom had
to prove that he didn't need a human spoiler buffer. Except in the one
where Benedict is sitting behind him while he's asked questions about
Tobey and Andrew, staring at the back of his head like "snitches end up in
ditches, kid." Sorry, what was the question?
Emilio: Uh...I think it was can I call you "dad"?
Diandra: Oh right. No.
Stephen says he can use that magic tech to send any bad guys he finds here.
He starts to leave again and Peter calls "sir?" He sighs very loudly and
asks "now what?" Peter says this is his mess and he promises to fix it, but
he can't do it alone.
Cut to Stephen letting Ned and MJ into the sanctum. Because I guess Stephen
doesn't have a source of competent supers who can help, so he'll just enlist
a couple regular teenagers because they happen to be friends with Spiderman.
Ned dorks out over the fact that he's actually in the Sanctum Sanctorum and
babbles questions at Stephen related to the fact that his Nana says they
have magic somewhere in their bloodline. He says sometimes he feels this
tingling in his hands...Stephen says he should definitely talk to a medical
professional about that and marches up the staircase away from all these
kids as Peter joins them. Except he's not out of earshot yet, so when Ned
asks how all these bad guys got here in the first place, he calls that they
screwed up a spell to get them all into college. Ned and MJ splutter that he
used MAGIC to do that and Peter says no, it didn't...um..."let's just focus
on the good news." Stephen is like 'what good news? Y'all are just standing
around while your multiversal villains run amok!' "Scooby Doo this shit," he
orders. MJ snorts and fires back that it was HIS spell that messed
everything up, right? So it's kind of...HIS mess they're being asked to
clean up and he's not even asking nicely? The two boys kind of look back and
forth between them like 'giiiiiiiirl, you are either crazy or have bigger
brass ones than us.'
Chrissy: Meh. He's not scary. Even if
that variant of Mary Jane obviously thought so since she flat out refused
to come through the portal when she saw him.
Stephen shrugs, plasters a fake smile on his face and amends "please...
Scooby Doo this shit." Stephen says they can work in the "undercroft", which
Ned thinks sounds exciting...
Diandra: [slow clap] Yes, for those of you playing the home game,
we have now managed to make two references to "The Power of the Dog".
...until it turns out it's obviously just a basement. Ned still gawpes at it
like he's not standing between a water heater and a washer/dryer piled with
dirty laundry (and the sweatshirt Stephen was wearing a scene ago hanging
overhead). He declares it "badass" and the dryer bleats in direct
contradiction. Though it does contain an odd assortment of shit because he
goes to pick up a bow and arrow sitting beside a pile of board games and MJ
goes to stand in front of a croquet set and a large animal trap while she
assures Peter that it's cool he wanted to help, but maybe next time he
should ask them to brainstorm some ideas before breaking the universe. Ned
suddenly yelps that he's found a torture rack and runs over to it while MJ
corrects that it's a Pilates machine.
Chrissy: Yeah, you're in the
kid-friendly part of the basement. Although with a little creativity, you
can use the Pilates machine for a different kind of exercise too if you
know what I'm saying.
Diandra: Gee, no, that was too subtle. Why don't you spell it out?
Chrissy: [takes a breath]
Diandra: THAT WAS SARCASM.
The laundry/storage room has a partial wall that leads directly to the other
part of the basement that we've already seen and now I'm picturing the
lizard watching the human who just chased him through a sewer and trapped
him in a magic cell casually wandering over and doing a load of laundry. MJ
thinks this should be easy enough. Peter will catch the bad guys and Doctor
Dickwad will send them back where they came from. The three kids stand at
the opening to the other part of the basement and Otto demands to know who
these new kids are now. Peter introduces them and realizes he doesn't know
Otto's name. "Doctor Otto Octavius," Otto snarls and they all burst into
laughter and Peter is like 'seriously dude, your real name, not your made up
We montage over them setting up down there, pausing long enough to note that
MJ has uncovered a box labeled "goatee template" at one point.
Chrissy: I don't know if that's more
funny or sad.
Peter decides to try getting those stubborn paint stains out HERE too like
maybe Stephen has tougher detergents than Happy while he talks to Aunt May
on the phone. He is interrupted by Ned announcing he has found a
"disturbance near a military research facility". According to witnesses,
there was a monster flying through the air.
Diandra: That's not technically mine. Tony left it to me in his
Chrissy: How far outside of the city
are we talking here? This isn't another "hick hopped up on moonshine
mistakes a barn owl for an alien" is it?
Peter thinks that must be the same guy he saw on the bridge. The angry elf.
Otto mutters from his cell that that isn't possible because Norman Osborn
died years ago. But have fun fighting a ghost, kid.
Emilio: Unless it's HARRY Osborn.
Diandra: Much as that would make sense, we all know it's Willem
Chrissy: Yeah, James Franco was notably absent from the list of
potential people from the other franchises to call.
Diandra: Well...they could have TRIED to get the guy from the
Andrew Garfield movies, but that would probably have been too confusing.
One villain from each movie. No duplicates. Even if that means we only get
five and not the SINISTER SIX like the fanboys really want. Quick, throw
another easter egg so they don't get mad about that!
Ned opens a refrigerator and stares in alarm at the various jars of alarming
looking creatures, most of which look right at him, and a foil covered bowl
with something moving in it.
Chrissy: They're for experiments,
apparently. Or cases. We keep trying to explain to him that he isn't
Sherlock Holmes. Don't know where he got that idea in his head.
Ned returns to his chair beside MJ at the laptop dejectedly. She is watching
Peter's body cam feed. Peter lands in a clearing and the ground at the tree
line sort of...ripples. Ned notes that it's really dark out there, so it
will be pretty hard for them to see anything. Peter asks what "that" was and
MJ asks what's going on. Is it the Peter Tingle thing? "Is your tingle
Emilio: Well, not yet, but maybe if
you describe what you're wearing...
Diandra: Ugh. Whose brilliant idea was it to change Spidey Sense
into Peter Tingle anyway? Like that doesn't sound SO MUCH WORSE?
Whatever is going on, apparently it activates the MagicTech gauntlet, which
lights up with runes. And then Electro appears, suspended by tendrils of
electricity. Ned asks if that's that Osborn guy. Peter is like 'not unless
he decided to change powers and also go from a green suit to blue skin since
I last saw him'. He awkwardly calls "you wouldn't happen to be from another
universe, would you?" MJ is like 'what are you doing? Just web him and ask
questions later!' Peter fires the MagicTech cannon at Electro and it goes
sailing through him and sends a tree back to the torture dungeon. Hans
Zimmer's "I am Electro" theme blares and Electro starts firing electrical
blasts at Peter. Peter swings and dodges several blasts before getting hit
with one that shorts out the camera. But before Electro can finish him off,
Sandman forms between them, absorbing the electricity. He awkwardly
shoehorns his name in - Flint Marko - while asking if Peter remembers him.
Emilio: I mean, he was one of, like,
three villains in a movie a lot of fans have tried to forget, so...
Diandra: I only remember two, but the other one was Topher Grace
and apparently everyone hated him as Venom, so...
Emilio: So we're bringing in Tom Hardy's Venom instead.
Diandra: Ugh. No. I'm not watching those.
Chrissy: At least it will be less confusing for you. We don't need
another "Diandra can't tell these people apart" shtick.
Diandra: Don't make me regret telling you about that.
Emilio: What's this now?
Chrissy: You know that episode of "Black Mirror" with Topher Grace?
Diandra: I got all the way to the end credits before I figured out
he wasn't Tobey Maguire.
Chrissy: And she thought telling me this was somehow working in her
defense like "look, it isn't just Rachel and Amy I can't tell apart!"
Emilio: Wow. Was "Spider-Man 3" really confusing for you then?
Diandra: Yes, it was. For more than the reasons everyone else
Peter says he's not HIS Peter and it's a long story that can wait until
after they do something about Sparky over there.
Flint contains Electro in a sand tornado while Peter disables the power
lines he's drawing electricity from, probably cutting power to a whole chunk
of the state, but whatever. It works. Peter rips off his mask and Flint
realizes what he meant by the not your Peter thing. This all somehow
restores Electro to his normal not-blue body because everyone hated that CGI
anyway. Peter tells Flint and Electro that they are in a different universe
now. And presumably they already know they're not from the same universe
either. Electro says that explains why the power feels different here and
his eyes light up like 'hey, new effect nerds!' He asks if they're just
going to pretend he isn't totally naked right now. "I am," Flint answers
quickly. Peter spots an electrical lineman uniform storage area nearby and
apparently gets one of them on Electro before sending him to the dungeon,
where the lights flicker and Otto waves like 'welcome to the party, man.'
Back in the woods, Flint asks what Peter just did to that guy. Because it
kind of looks like maybe he killed him. He starts getting mad and growing in
size and before he can take a swing at Peter, Peter hits him with the
MagicTech cannon and sends him to his own cell in the dungeon. And now that
we have a couple representatives from each universe in the same room we're
gonna play a little game of Exposition Dump. The Lizard laughs at the
ridiculousness of all of this and Electro identifies him as Curt Connors
(thank you, IMDb wasn't helpful there at all), a scientist at Oscorp who
went loopy and tried to turn everyone into lizards. Curt argues that it was
the next step in human evolution. Also, he calls Electro Max, which is
another thing I forgot.
Chrissy: At this point it's more
surprising when you actually remember things.
Ned and MJ are just surprised to find out that the Lizard can talk because
he hasn't said anything yet. Curt notes that the last time he saw Max was
before his makeover when he had bad teeth, glasses and a comb over. Max is
like 'yeah...uh...sometimes superpowers make you look like a mutant freak of
nature and sometimes they make you swole. I don't make the rules.'
Diandra: [rude gesture]
Flint is like CAN WE FOCUS HERE?
He asks where they all are anyway. Ned says it's complicated. MJ says no, it
isn't. They're in "a wizard's dungeon." Max is like 'a what now? Y'all have
wizards here? Eh, whatever. Don't care. Give me some more of that sweet,
sweet electricity.' The lights flicker again and MJ's phone rings. Peter
asks if those guys are in the dungeon yet. MJ is like 'yeah, they're making
introductions and chatting and WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE COMING
BACK NOW.' Peter says he's going to have to clean this mess he made trying
to catch them, so...
Diandra: No, we're clearly written by an overgrown ADHD child up in
Morning. Norman is digging in a dumpster somewhere while his Green Goblin
mask taunts him like 'why are you not trying to take over this universe
already?' Interesting that he figured out the whole different universe thing
on his own at some point. The evil alter ego sneers about how pathetic and
weak Norman is through the mask that he never actually had in his movie
until he smashes it with a rock and runs away.
Chrissy: Yeah, that was the other
reason we went with Willem instead of James Franco. He's just a better
Emilio: Anyone would be a better actor.
Diandra: Hey now. I saw "127 Days" and it convinced me that he -
like Ben Affleck - gets an undeservedly bad rep. I mean...Oscar caliber he
is not (which would probably put him way out of his depth in the MCU), but
he's not BAD.
Chrissy: Yeah, I kind of gave up on the whole concept of "Oscar
caliber" when they nominated Ryan Gosling, who was beaten by Ben Affleck's
brother, who is of exactly the same acting caliber and I don't care what
other people say.
Diandra: And somehow those were the front runners over Denzel
Goddamn Washington. Yeah. Sometimes the Academy has questionable judgment
and I'm just gonna chalk that up to 'Denzel already has two so we're gonna
put him in the same boat with Meryl Streep.'
Emilio: What were we talking about?
Diandra: Oh, god, I don't remember. Okay, your job is to make sure
we stay on track, Emilio.
Emilio: If you're counting on me to do that, we're doomed.
Peter has just finished webbing the electrical wires back into place (like
yeah, that'll work) when Aunt May calls to tell him that one of the guys
he's looking for just came into her office. So he reacts by racing to the
shelter and barreling into the kitchen at breakneck speed like he's
(understandably) expecting a hostage situation. But Norman is just sitting
at the counter with her having coffee and donuts. He says he saw Spiderman
in an ad for this center and thought maybe he could help, but now that he
sees Peter without his mask...Oh, right. I forgot that he was one of the
characters with split personalities. So while the Goblin apparently knows
he's in another universe that he wants to wreak havoc on, Norman just
wandered into the help center like a senile old man who thinks Spiderman can
help him figure out why everything just changed overnight and someone else
is living in his house and neither his kid or Oscorp exist anymore. Right.
No wonder we set artificial limits on how many characters would come into
this universe. Anyway, Norman is aware that his other persona is completely
Mr. Hydeing his body, but he doesn't remember anything he does when he's
that guy so he doesn't know how he got here.
May kind of soothes him a little and goes over to Peter to mutter - totally
within earshot - that this guy is totally crazy and are they all like this?
Peter says well, they all have somewhat different mental or physical
"issues", but yeah, Marvel likes to keep building off the same template. May
thinks she may have found the plot to this movie: getting these guys
whatever help they need. Peter thinks they can be better helped in whatever
universes they came from, so we're sticking with the plan to send them back.
May asks if that's helping THEM or PETER.
Chrissy: Well...I mean...they might
be breaking the spacetime continuum the longer they stay here, but I GUESS
you could read it that way.
As all three of them are leaving the shelter, one of Jonah Jameson's
informants spots them and calls in right away. Jonah snarls at the guy to
not lose them and just walks away from his desk during a commercial break.
Sanctum of questionable decision making. Aunt May drops the guys off and
tells Peter they both have faith in him. He just thanks her for finally
getting his suit clean. He takes Norman into the dungeon and introduces him
to Ned and MJ. Norman is like 'man, your Mary Jane looks TOTALLY different
here' and MJ has to explain that MJ stands for Michelle Jones.
Emilio: Yep, totally different
character. I don't know a Mary Jane. Or a Gwen Stacey.
Diandra: We don't know where the writers are getting this either,
Norman wanders over to the cells to talk to Otto, who he recognizes but
never saw with the Octo arms bullshit. Otto reminds everybody that Norman
Osborn died years ago in his timeline.
Chrissy: Is it possible that they
AREN'T all from the same universe, but from ones close enough that they
recognize variants of each other?
Diandra: ................why are you trying to make this more
Emilio: Well, that might explain why Norman has a mask, he and the
lizard both look different than they did in their movies and Flint is
stuck in Sandman form.
Diandra: Oh, god, we're fanwanking. Stop it!
Being the last of Tobey's villains, Flint steps in here to say yeah, they're
BOTH dead because they died fighting their Spiderman. Specifically, Norman
was impaled by his own Green Goblin glider and Otto drowned in the river.
Otto says he had Spiderman pinned down after stopping him from destroying
his fusion reactor when...uh...he ended up here? Max says he was beating
Spiderman like a drum when he got trapped inside an electrical grid,
absorbing energy and...uh..."oh shit. I was about to die." Stephen appears
at the end of the room suddenly, sees Norman just wandering around in the
open and transports him into a cell over Peter's objections. Peter then
notices the McGuffin Stephen has brought with him and asks what it is.
Stephen says it's a Deus Ex Machina...er...something something machina
anyway. Close enough. He used it to contain the messed up spell and when he
gets that straightened out it will reverse it and send everybody back to
their universe. Which they are all realizing now means they return to
imminent death. Which Peter is now feeling awkward about, but Stephen thinks
it's destiny or whatever.
Emilio: And you suddenly care about
not changing things to try to save people.
Diandra: Shut up, kid.
Specifically, Stephen argues - right in front of them - that the sacrifices
of these guys mean more than their continued existence. And he's sorry about
the harsh lesson, but...that's life for you. He starts going into a trance
and the box shifts and glows and the villains all get nervous. And then
Peter webs the container away from Stephen and hits him with the teleporting
gauntlet. MJ and Ned cover Peter while he flees the sanctum because Stephen
is able to walk right through the containment field on Sandman's cell that
he is transported to. Flint tries to follow him and smacks headfirst into
the invisible wall to confirm that it's still there. "This is why I never
had kids," Stephen growls.
Emilio: Whatever. You know you love
Diandra: Do I? Are you sure about that?
Chrissy: I love that we're proving this many movies in that we
absolutely chose the correct roles for ourselves.
Diandra: Why do I feel like that isn't a compliment?
Outside, Peter tries to swing away on a web, but a portal just shoots him
right back. Stephen glares at him from the front steps and orders him to
hand over the box. Peter tries to use the gauntlet again, but Stephen has
rendered it inactive somehow and just magics it away. Peter tries to web
away again and Stephen forms portals on either side of him so he ends up
webbing his own ankle, then yanks him down to do the punching the astral
form out of the physical body move on him. "Oh my god, I'm dead," Peter
yelps as he looks down at his astral form. Stephen pauses to tell him he's
not, then tries to grab the box. Peter - despite moving in slow speed - is
able to play keep away with the box, which confuses both of them. Peter
swims back into his body and says that was fun, but don't do it again. He
webs away again. This time Stephen just throws the cloak after him, which
catches him and holds him in place for a while.
When I asked if you would let me wear it
, this is NOT what I
had in mind.
Stephen catches up and forms a wall of mirror dimension, which the cloak
throws Peter into. Peter runs along buildings and roads that Stephen twists
into MC Echer drawings. And then a train runs through it because why not?
This is basically "Inception" on steroids. Peter briefly drops the cube, but
webs it back before Stephen can actually pick it up and drops into his
superhero pose on top of the train. He asks what the FUCK this insanity is.
Stephen says it's the mirror dimension "where I am in control."
Chrissy: SNORT. Oh, honey. You keep
telling yourself that. We all know better.
Diandra: Clearly I don't remember what happened the last time I
tried this. And we're hoping that was enough movies back that the audience
Stephen waves a bit and chunks of cities and landscapes group randomly both
below and over their heads. Peter asks if they can just take a minute and
discuss this. Stephen yells that there are an INFINITE number of people in
the multiverse who know Peter Parker is Spiderman, despite the limited
number they've seen so far and if the contained spell stops being contained
they will all just start coming through. Peter says yeah, he's not arguing
that point, he just thinks there might be a better solution than sending the
ones he's bonding with home to die. Stephen argues that they can't do
anything about that because they can't change people. Peter is like 'but
what if we CAN?'
Emilio: Also, weren't you all about
fixing things before? You WERE a doctor.
Chrissy: Not to mention a stubborn asshole who was constantly
breaking things because he refused to accept any limitations.
Diandra: Yes, if we could all just ignore the inconsistencies and
stop theorizing that I'm really Mephisto or something just because this
whole plot had to be rewritten two or three times...
Emilio: People were expecting Mephisto because that's what happened
in that comic.
Diandra: After Doctor Strange told him he couldn't undo Aunt May's
death. Although actually...yeah, this is pretty consistent because Peter
nearly kills himself by trying to perform the spell HIMSELF after Stephen
tells him he can't because "hey, I know Latin too."
Stephen forms the perpetual falling portals he used on Loki and sends the
cloak to wrestle the box away from Peter. At some point, both Stephen and
Peter are playing tug of war with webs and light whips that kind of shatters
the mirror dimension.
Chrissy: How are you doing with the
descriptions over there? Is this helping prepare you for "Multiverse of
As they're chasing after the free falling box, Peter pauses to note that the
chunks of skyscrapers merged with southwestern rock formations seem to be
floating in an "archimedean spiral". He realizes the mirror dimension is
based on geometry, which is one of his best subjects, so he starts webbing
things while muttering mathematical equations until it totally surrounds
Stephen just before he can disappear through a portal back to the sanctum
with the box. Peter cockily notes that math beats magic, which sounds like a
really dumb early draft of a line that somehow made it all the way to the
finished product. He takes the box and Stephen's sling ring and jumps
through the portal, apologizing that he has to TRY at least while the portal
Diandra: I think we both know that nothing is going to prepare me
for that insanity.
Ned and MJ race up to ask what happened and Peter says he just won in a
fight with Doctor Strange and he stole his ring thingy.
Chrissy: Well, he did tell them to
Scooby Doo this shit, so he can't be too surprised.
MJ asks where he is, exactly. Peter says he's trapped in that insane
dimension he thought he was in control of for who knows how long. Otto pipes
up that he could have just LET them die instead of picking a fight with a
wizard there. MJ says that's not who Peter IS.
Diandra: Was that a Scooby Doo thing? It felt more like an
educational video or after school special demonstrating "real world" math
applications. See kids? You too can defeat a powerful sorcerer using just
the Power of Math!
Emilio: Well, it also helps if he's not as powerful as he thinks he
Diandra: Yeah, keep mocking me, kid. There's no way that will blow
up in your face.
Peter addresses all the bad guys as he argues that he might be able to "fix"
them so that when they go back to their own realities they might not die.
Uh. Not sure that's how that works, but okay. Apparently this is based on
the realization that this universe's special effects...sorry, I mean
technology...is more advanced than theirs. Norman offers to help because
"I'm something of a scientist myself." Because we WILL find a way to wedge
call backs in at every opportunity here. Otto says he will not be fixed
"like a dog." Peter says he can't promise it would change anything, but they
would have a second chance. Maybe. Curt notes that "fixing" people generally
leads to unexpected, bad outcomes in their worlds.
Emilio: That's because your
definition of "fixing" involves mutating DNA to cure disease.
Peter says they don't have to go along with his idea, but the alternative is
"dealing with the wizard." They all reluctantly admit that not going back to
die would be preferable, so...
Diandra: Yeah, that's how we got "Planet of the Apes" and "I Am
Legend" among MANY others, I'm sure.
Chrissy: Yeah, the dangers of screwing with nature have been a
staple of science fiction since "Frankenstein".
Peter is like 'okay, so we're all in agreement and I totally know what I'm
doing here and am not just flying by the seat of my pants. Cool.' He turns
to huddle with Ned and MJ while they try to figure out what to do with the
doomsday button box. Peter suggests MJ take it and he can text her when
they're ready for the button to be pushed. MJ objects to leaving him. Ned
agrees that they're all in it together. Peter argues that he can't do
anything if he is worried about them being in danger, so it really would be
better if they could just babysit the button. MJ sighs and agrees, but tells
all the collected baddies that she WILL push the button if anything happens
to Peter. She and Ned leave with the McGuffin and Peter turns to the others
like 'ooooookay. Here goes nothing.'
So he and May take them all back to Happy's condo. Except Curt stays in the
van because we can only do that CGI rendering for so long, apparently. Max
turns on the TV by waving at it. Flint gets his dust all over the couch.
Otto, being held captive by his reprogrammed octoarms sneers that Peter is
just going to cook up some cures alongside a frozen burrito in the microwave
of a condo or something. Norman is like 'do you have burritos? I'm kind of
hungry suddenly.' Peter goes into the laundry room and Max follows, saying
he can feel that "weird energy" emanating from whatever is back there.
Norman follows too and prompts Peter to explain what that Stark Industries
thing under the sheet is. Peter calls it a "fabricator".
Chrissy: It makes stuff.
Basically it's a magic gadget that can replicate or create anything the plot
requires it to. So a literal plot device, I guess. Max's eyes light up when
the arc reactor powering it comes into view and the whole thing knocks a
hole in the wall that wrecks the microwave on the other side. Otto flinches
at the sight of this and mutters that the kid is going to get them all
Diandra: Then we need another one to go ding when it detects stuff.
Sorry, random "Doctor Who" reference.
Emilio: [high fives Diandra]
Flash ahead to Norman and Peter working out how the chip controlling Otto's
tentacles works via holographic display. Peter realizes what I think we knew
from "Spiderman 2", which is that the chip was shorted out and now the
tentacles control Otto instead of the other way around as intended. Out in
the main part of the condo, May is tentatively offering Otto some water. Max
is looking out the window and drooling over the potential of this new world
where he isn't a blue skinned wierdo. He asks why Flint is going along with
this whole thing and Flint exposits about the daughter he'd like to see
again. Then he asks how Max got his powers because we have to at least try a
LITTLE to catch up the members of the audience who haven't seen every
Spiderman movie made in the last two decades before coming to this. Max says
the place where he worked was experimenting with electrical alternatives and
long story short: he fell in a vat of electric eels. Flint is like
'huh...and I fell into a supercollider.'
Chrissy: Weird how similar your
experiences are. Almost like you were written by the same comic book
writers recycling ideas.
Emilio: Wait'll Norman finds out that the lizard got that way
trying to find a cure for HIM in the Garfield universe.
Diandra: I know what you meant, but for a second there, I was
wondering when Marvel did a crossover with the comics about an orange,
lasagna eating cat.
Emilio: Sometime in the 90s, probably.
Norman watches Peter construct a new chip for Otto, drooling. He says when
this is all over he'd like to hire Peter. Assuming, you know, that he'd be
willing to transfer to another universe. The chip finishes and powers up and
Peter runs out to install it in Otto, which for some reason he needs to do
while using the Octoarms to suspend him near the stair landing. Otto
struggles and hisses a threat that is cut off when the new chip clamps on to
his neck and his system powers down. Peter calls his name worriedly and
after a couple seconds Otto springs back to life practically sobbing at the
realization that the evil voices whispering in his head have stopped. Peter
transfers the nanites back to his suit and gives control of the arms back to
Otto. Otto says he's grateful to the "dear boy" and offers to help with
whatever they need to do next.
On the freeway somewhere, Happy calls Peter's voicemail and says yeah,
um...who are those guys I'm seeing you let into my place on my doorbell
camera's feed? It looked like one was a cyborg and another was made of mud.
"What's going on? Call me back."
Otto and Norman get to work on Norman's "cure" to exorcise his evil alter
ego and Peter sits at the kitchen table with Max. He attaches an arc reactor
to Max's chest and explains that when the lights on it all turn green it
means his electricity has been "discharged". Er...like...all the electricity
NOT needed to power his brain and heart. He kind of sputters to a stop and
says he doesn't know why he's explaining electricity to an electrical
engineer whose superpower is being able to control electricity,
but...whatever. Max asks if the Legos scattered on the table belong to Peter
like he's trying to gauge just how much younger this version of Peter is
than his. Peter runs off to check on something else and Max starts muttering
that he doesn't like where this is headed. Flint tells him to go with it
because the sooner Peter fixes them all the sooner they can go home.
Outside, the lizard overhears Jameson arrive and chew out his spy for not
getting any footage of Spiderman yet.
Inside, Peter's Spidey Sense (please don't make me refer to it as a Peter
Tingle anymore) goes off. He goes out to the main room where he is
surrounded by all the guys not relegated to the van. They all ask what's
wrong, except Norman. Peter webs Norman's hand to Dum-E's control arm and
Norman is like 'so, you figured out that the other guy took over sometime in
the past few minutes, huh?' He smarms that Peter didn't really think he
wasn't going to get pushback trying to eliminate Norman's alter ego, did he?
Aunt May slips into the room with the replicator and puts whatever cure they
were working on in a bag while Goblin Norman rambles about how SHE talked
Peter into this stupid plan. "We don't need you to save us. We don't need to
be fixed. These are not curses. They're gifts." He likens all the
superpowered beings to gods. Peter tells May to run. Max rips the arc
reactor off his chest before it can finish and summons the one powering the
replicator from the other room with a bolt of electricity. Or something.
Flint turns to sand and blows off. Goblin Norman starts fighting Peter. Otto
tries feebly to object to all of this and Max just blasts him out the
window. He catches himself before he hits the ground and starts climbing the
next building while Jameson directs his guy to film because "that's the guy
from the bridge!"
Flint spills out of the Otto shaped hole in the condo, forming some sort of
sandstorm that may or may not be containing Max's electricity. Curt breaks
out of the van and runs past a startled Jameson.
Inside, Peter and Norman are fighting and May is running down the stairs
because Max shorted out the elevators. After they smash through a couple
floors, Peter jumps out a window and starts climbing back up the side of the
building, much to Jameson's delight as the camera is pointed right at him.
Curt rappels down the side of the building and tosses him back in, where
Norman smashes him all the way down to the lobby just as Aunt May arrives.
He strangles Peter while cackling that his real weakness is "morality". Aunt
May knocks him off by stabbing him with the antidote injector thing. Norman
rips it out and sneers that it didn't work because his "sickness" came from
them and he didn't need fixing. Which...huh? He lifts Peter up by the hair
and May goes into angry momma fighting stance. Peter begs her to just run,
but she doesn't and the green goblin flyer appears outside the window. It
smashes through, knocking her down. Norman, in full Goblin mode now, hops on
it, cackles that "no good deed goes unpunished", launches one of his
grenades and flies off. Peter deflects the explosion, but Norman also bombs
all the cop cars outside to cover his escape.
May and Peter both stagger upright. May insists she's okay despite being
very unsteady. Peter thinks he may have broken ribs. He thinks he probably
made a mistake going against Stephen's plan to send them all back. She
insists he did the right thing because he saved them from certain death. And
because we're deliberately setting up the most well known line of dialogue
in Spidercanon, he says they aren't his responsibility. She obliges: "you
have a gift. You have power. And with great power there must ALSO COME GREAT
RESPONSIBILITY." Take that, Uncle Ben.
Chrissy: Was there actually an Uncle
Ben in this universe? I feel like we're all just assuming they skipped it
so we wouldn't have to do it again, but...
Diandra: But this whole scene looks like a composite of Uncle Ben's
and Gwen Stacy's deaths in the comics, yeah. I don't know anymore.
They start to make their way out of the rubble and she slurs that she needs
to catch her breath and collapses. He says everything is fine and they'll
get her to a doctor and then he reaches under her and gapes as his hand
comes away bloody. She asks if he's okay like she doesn't register what's
happening. He starts panicking and yells for the officers inching into the
building to get an ambulance. He tries to reassure her again, but now he's
crying. She goes still and stops breathing and he really loses it. Happy
arrives just then, providing a distraction so Peter can run, which he
doesn't do until the officers start actually shooting at him.
The next broadcast from Jameson smarms about how Spiderman brings death and
destruction everywhere he goes and he is a MENACE.
Chrissy: I mean...so does literally
every other Avenger, but sure.
He adds this line to really twist the knife as we focus on Peter watching
this broadcast in the rain: "everything Spiderman touches comes to ruin! And
we, the innocents, are left to pick up the pieces."
Diandra: Yeah, I'm not even going to pretend to follow the changing
thresholds of tolerance for superhero destruction in this universe
At Ned's house, Nana brings Ned and MJ snacks while they wait for a call
from Peter and watch the news footage. MJ threatens to press the button on
the MacGuffin box. Ned awkwardly pushes the plot forward by gesturing wildly
while wearing Stephen's sling ring and saying "I wish we could see him."
Sparks appear in the middle of the room. MJ stares at the spot where the
portal almost formed and orders him to do that again. He does and a small
portal forms for a second. He stands up, mimics Stephen's motions to open a
portal and says "I wish we could see Peter!" A portal opens to a dark alley
and Spider-Man waves at them, startled. Nana comes around the corner and Ned
assures her it's okay, but she was right about him being magic, apparently.
And here's where this will definitely get confusing, but if I can't do it
now, I definitely won't be able to do it in the next movie. So buckle up.
Here goes nothing.
Ned and MJ call Peter's name and Spider-Man jumps through the portal into
the living room. Nana screams and throws things at him and he tries to
reassure her that he's really a nice guy, but she runs away because we don't
really know what to do with her here. He rips off his mask, confirming what
his voice probably already told anyone who recognized it: that he is Andrew
Garfield. He slowly explains that he is Peter Parker/Spiderman, just...not
THEIR Peter Parker/Spiderman, obviously. He's from another universe and
somehow found himself in this one yesterday. He babbles about string theory
and matter displacement and multiverse and he KNEW it was all real.
Ned loudly tells MJ that he must be here because of the spell too. Andrew
Peter says wait, MAGIC is real in this universe?! Ned babbles awkwardly for
a bit and MJ deflects by demanding that Andrew Peter prove that he's Peter
Parker. Andrew Peter says he doesn't carry ID on account of being an
anonymous superhero and his suit not having pockets. She throws a roll at
him and it bounces off his chest. He asks what that was about. She says she
was testing for the "tingle thing". Andrew Peter doesn't even blink at this
weird way of referring to Spidey Sense and just says he has it, it's just
not that easily triggered. She picks up another roll and he acknowledges
that she is a "deeply mistrusting person" and proves his identity by jumping
and sticking to the ceiling. This isn't quite enough, so she tells him to
crawl around up there. He argues and she throws the roll at him. Nana has
apparently adapted to the weirdness and asks Ned in Tagalog if his new
friend can get that cobweb in the corner. Andrew Peter sighs and crawls
across the ceiling to get it before jumping down like 'are you happy now?'
The portal finally closes as Ned turns to MJ and spells out that he opened
it to the wrong Peter Parker. She's like 'no shit. Try again and see if we
get the right one this time.' Ned repeats the motions while chanting "find
Peter Parker". A portal opens behind him and, unsurprisingly at this point,
Tobey Maguire steps through it. He is not dressed like Spider-Man at the
moment, so Ned grumbles that he just got some rando this time. The portal
closes immediately this time before Tobey Peter can escape back through. MJ,
quicker on the draw than Ned obviously, asks if he's Peter Parker then. He
says yes and waves at Nana, who is smiling at him in a strangely suggestive
Emilio: Go grandma! Although it's
kind of disturbing to think that this version of me is old enough to have
little old ladies creaming over me.
Diandra: Ugh, did you have to describe it like that?
And then Tobey Peter notices Andrew Peter, who he knows isn't the Peter from
this universe because THAT Peter's face has been plastered everywhere. They
stare at each other for a moment before shooting webs at each other and
doing acrobatics to dodge said webs. They stop when Tobey Peter successfully
webs Andrew Peter's wrist, covering his web canon tech. Ned asks Tobey why
he didn't just tell them he's Spider-Man. Tobey laughs that he doesn't
exactly advertise his secret superhero identity. Andrew is like 'right? What
is the DEAL with this universe?' Nana goes on a whole rant in Tagalog that
Ned translates as asking if the two Peters could clean up the mess they just
made trying to web each other.
Chrissy: And also maybe stop trying
to "web" each other. This is supposed to be the kid friendly wing of the
MCU and we can only have so much of that before it prompts some very
Diandra: Ugh. Must you?
Chrissy: They're shooting white sticky goo at each other. Yes, I
The closed captioner decides to assign numbers to the Peters right off the
bat, so I suppose from here on out I can refer to Tobey as Peter 2 and
Andrew as Peter 3.
Emilio: They would be one and two,
but this is Tom Holland's universe, so he gets to be number one.
Peter 2 says he's actually been trying to find Ned and MJ's Peter since he
got here because he can sense he needs his help. Peter 3 corrects that he
needs BOTH of their help. MJ and Ned are like 'yeah, he definitely needs
help, but we don't know where he is, which is why we were fucking around
Diandra: Because of the order of release or seniority?
Emilio: Yes, and also because he's the only one with an American
Diandra: Nice reference there. Random, but nice.
Emilio: I needed to mention SOMEWHERE that only one of these guys
Chrissy: We could keep doing the
portal thing, but honestly we're afraid we might find ANOTHER variant at
this point. Three Peter Parkers is enough.
Diandra: I mean...we COULD bring in Chris Pine Peter Parker from
"Into the SpiderVerse", but three Chrises is also enough.
Emilio: And that would be awkward since it's animated.
Diandra: And yet supposedly also the 616 universe. Yeah, I don't
get it either.
Peter 2 prompts them to think of a place Peter might go that would have a
special meaning to him. Preferably one that was already mentioned in this
movie if not literally anywhere else. He says his special hideaway was the
top of the Chrysler building. Peter 3 says his was the Empire State
building. Which has a better view. MJ realizes there is one top of a
building they have been on recently.
So Ned and MJ find Peter on the roof of the school, still in his costume and
bloodied and crying. They hug him and let him cry a bit more. Until Peter's
Spidey Sense triggers and MJ is like 'yeah, there's some guys you need to
meet.' The other Peter's are crouched on the building's tower, waiting for
their cue. They start to jump down and Peter freaks out so they stop on the
lowest ledge. Peter 2 expresses sympathy for the Aunt May thing.
Emilio: My Aunt May died recently
too. Of course, she was, like, 90.
Peter 3 starts to express understanding for his loss, but Peter cuts him off
on account of not being interested in bringing up what happened in that
movie. I guess. He says it's HIS fault she's dead and she died for
"nothing". He reaches for the MacGuffin box MJ brought with her, saying they
don't belong here, so he's going to send them all home like he should have a
long time ago. They can deal with their respective bad guys however they
need to and leave him out of it because he doesn't care anymore.
Emilio: Mine is still alive, but she's in her 70s.
Diandra: Yeah, I know people were joking about how Aunt May keeps
getting younger and hotter, but...like...this version of Peter is still
stuck in high school while the others had the majority of their arc while
they were in college AS IT IS IN THE COMICS, so...that's really one of the
least wonky parts of this canon.
MJ kind of pulls the box away from him...maybe. It's not really clear what
stops him, actually, before Peter 2 pipes up that he felt the same way Peter
did when his Uncle Ben died. Peter 3 is like 'yeah, ditto, but since I have
one death that's unique among the three of us, let me talk about my
girlfriend Gwen, who died in my arms because I couldn't save her from MY
Green Goblin.' He's tried to carry on with the Spider Man thing since she
died because "that's what she would've wanted" but he has "stopped pulling
my punches." And now he's a bitter husk of what he once was and he wants to
stop Peter from going down that road and ending up like him. Peter 2 is like
'and that brings it back to me because I tried to get revenge on the guy who
killed Uncle Ben and it turns out vengeance doesn't solve anything.' Peter
sniffles that he DOES want to kill Norman violently, but he can hear May
telling him they did the right thing even as she was dying. "She told me
that with great power..." Peter 2's eyes light up and he finishes the line.
Emilio: Yeah, we all know the
Peters 2 and 3 say they heard it from their Uncles Ben when he died and
maybe that's a sign that it wasn't for nothing. Er...sure.
So they all schlep down into the science lab with the broken equipment Peter
rescued from the condo for curing some of the bad guys. He thinks he can fix
the ones for Max and Flint, but he's not sure about the others. Peter 3
thinks he can cure Curt because he did it once before. He puts on a lab coat
and goes to a separate station. Peter 2 suggests he can do one for Otto,
which Peter doesn't point out he...already did? Dude, you get Norman. They
all get to work while MJ gawpes at the surreal image of three Peter Parkers
all bustling around a lab.
Because we didn't have nearly enough in jokes, easter eggs and callbacks
yet, Ned sidles up to Peter 2 and asks if he has a Ned in his universe.
Emilio: Yes, I had a best friend
right up until he tried to kill me and I had to kill him first, but his
name wasn't Ned so I'm sure that won't happen to you. [cough hobgoblin
Ned looks at Peter 3 like '...uh...not sure I want to ask.'
Emilio: Yep, same guy. Although I
don't think I got to kill him yet since I was too distracted by him
killing my girlfriend.
Ned shuffles over to his Peter, who asks him to run a diagnostic on the
computer and he kind of skittishly taps a couple keys and runs away like
'don't kill me! I can't help how annoying I am!' MJ takes his place and
Peter starts to apologize for ruining her life again and she shushes him and
promises they will get through this shitshow together.
Peter 3 is watching the two of them sort of mournfully and there's a
continuity error in what he's doing and which way his facing when Peter 2
catches him and asks if he has a significant other of his own. Peter 3
bullshits that he doesn't have time for relationships with all the
Spider-Maning. He asks if Peter 2 does and Peter 2 says it's "complicated"
but Peter 3 shouldn't "give up" because he and Mary Jane made it work
Emilio: You were SO CLOSE to finding
your Mary Jane.
Diandra: Like, 'they actually filmed it and then cut it for time'
Ned suddenly shouts "Peter" excitedly and all three Peters respond. They do
a variation of the meme where they're all pointing at each other in
confusion while Ned tries to figure out how to make it clear WHICH Peter
Parker he wants. He points to the computer that has just finished that
diagnostic and Peter 1 goes to check. The other Peters say they're ready
with whatever they've been working on and now they just need a plan to lure
all the bad guys to one place. "Try to cure them while they try to kill us
and then send them home," Peter 3 finishes. "Using a magic box," Peter 2
adds like 'what the fuck even is this insanity?' Peter says yep, that's the
plan. Peter 3 asks if Peter 2 brought his suit or just plans to go into
battle dressed like "a cool youth pastor". Peter 2 tugs his shirt collar
down to show the suit underneath his normal clothes.
Ned hands Peter his web cartridges, prompting a discussion of the part of
the original trilogy everyone was most weirded out by. Peter 2 has no idea
why the other Peters need tech to shoot webs. He shoots his organic web at a
nearby stool and they all yelp and recoil from him like 'that's gross, man!'
Emilio: Yeah, tell that to the
Peter 1 moves on while Peter 3 is still distracted by the webs under the
skin thing, saying they'll use the box to draw them all to this isolated
place the audience can't see yet. The only thing he doesn't know is how
they're going to get there. Ned is like 'oh, right, I can do that because
I'm totally magic and can make portals just like Doctor Strange!' Peter is
still processing this new information while Ned adds a vow to not turn into
a supervillain and try to kill Peter. Peter 3 slaps him on the back and
winks at him. Peter frowns at them like '.......what the fuck?'
Diandra: He should be with Doctor Strange already. Have fun with
that! I'm sure it won't be at all weird!
We go right to the big battle. Sort of. Jameson announces in voice over that
they have received a call from Spider-Man "fresh from his rampage in
Queens." With that bias in mind, he asks this tongue twister to be cute:
"So, Peter Parker, what pernicious propaganda are you peddling?"
Chrissy: That feels like a call out
to Michael Giacchino, who definitely named one of the songs on the
soundtrack something like that.
In a video being broadcast everywhere, Peter admits that all this horrible
shit is his fault, but it was an accident. And if any of those people he
totally didn't mean to bring into this universe are watching...he waves the
MacGuffin box pointedly and says he TRIED to help them. Because Aunt May
taught him "everyone deserves a second chance." He turns so the camera
catches the Statue of Liberty's face behind him and we pan out to show the
scaffolding he's standing on wrapped around it, I guess because they're
still changing her torch to a Captain America shield. He asks the world to
wish him luck with this while Jameson splutters about how much damage he's
going to inflict on a national landmark.
Diandra: "Peter Parker Picked a Perilously Precarious Profession".
Chrissy: [groan] Of course it would actually be worse.
While the Spiders Men are waiting for the bad guys to arrive, having
finished positioning their "cures" all over the scaffolding, they decide
they have time for a few more references to really put the fanboys over the
top. Peter 2 starts moaning about his back. This is partly because Tobey
Maguire is 50, but also it's an obscure reference to the injury that almost
got him replaced by Jake Gyllenhaal for "Spider-Man 2". Peter 3 says oh,
yeah, he's starting to get that too and offers to do an impromptu
chiropractor adjustment, which Peter 2 accepts. Peter 3 starts giggling
about how he always wanted brothers and that's kind of what he's getting
here, right? Clones are kind of the same thing? Can we circle back to the
fact that your web fluid COMES OUT OF YOUR ACTUAL BODY BECAUSE I REALLY
CAN'T GET OVER THIS.
Emilio: Hey, we all shoot sticky
white stuff. It's actually less gross when it comes out of your wrists.
Chrissy: Is it? Are you sure about that?
The other Peters are fascinated by this difference and want to know how it
works. Peter 2 doesn't know, it just sort of...comes as naturally as
breathing somehow. Peter asks if it comes from anywhere other than his
wrists. Peter 2 is like 'I'm just going to cut you off before you make any
suggestions of just where else it might come from. No.' Peter 3 rambles
about running out of webs because he has to make them in a lab and Peter 2
is like 'oh, I've actually run out of webs before because the plot required
it.' Er..."existential crisis stuff". Peter is like 'enough of that, let's
compare notes like fucking nerds.' He asks about the craziest villains
they've ever fought. Peter 2 is like 'besides the ones you've met already?'
He cites Venom: "an alien made out of black goo." Peter says he fought an
alien too: a big purple one, both on Earth and in space. Peter 3 whines that
he hasn't fought an alien yet. Peter 2 is like 'did you just say in space,
kid?' Peter 3 grumbles that the most exotic bad guy he had was a Russian in
a rhinoceros machine and he is so lame. Peter 2 focuses on the "lame" thing
and gushes that Peter 3 is "amazing" like the writers were handing out
points to whoever could work in the most easter eggs here.
This nerdgasm of dialogue is finally cut off by their Spidey Senses all
going off. Bursts of lightning precede Electro arriving first, suspended
midair in a net of bolts. He orders Peter to hand over the box so he can
destroy it. If he cooperates, Electro won't kill him. Peter pulls on his
mask and runs off the statue's crown. The other two pull on their masks and
run in opposite directions. And here's where it's going to start being
difficult to tell them apart.
Chrissy: It wouldn't be if you could
Diandra: Shut up.
Spidey 3 calls to Max that he missed him (context clues, thank you, that
will help) and webs away before Max can hit him with a bolt. Spidey 1 tosses
the box through a portal at the end of a walkway to MJ, still back at the
lab with Ned. She catches it and Ned tries to close the portal, grunting in
distress as it stays stubbornly open.
Lizard boy swims up out of the bay onto the pedestal and roars. Spidey 3 is
still trying to talk to Max, insisting that he's just trying to HELP him.
Max snarls that he can save himself now and blasts him off the statue.
Spidey 3 catches himself with a web and yelps at the others for assistance.
Spidey 2 is like 'I'm too busy dealing with your other guy here trying to
climb me like a tree.' Spidey's 3 and 2 call to Peter to toss them the
Electro and Lizard cures respectively. Peter gets all of two steps before
Sandman shows up and catches him in an enormous fist. Since Flint is one of
the guys who was actually pretty sympathetic, Peter tries to convince him to
help. But Flint has decided to have a change of personality, so.
They all fight for a while until they are able to shake their bad guys for a
bit. Flint forms a giant sandstorm around the entire statue and scaffolding
while they regroup. Peter 3 snaps that he keeps yelling for "Peter 2" and
Peter 2 is NOT RESPONDING. Peter 2 is like 'wait, when did we decide on
those numbers?' "YOU'RE Peter 2!" Peter 3 looks confused. Peter is like
'this is my universe, so I'm going to decide who is which Peter. Also, I'm
the only one with experience fighting as part of a team because Avengers.'
The other Peters are like 'is that a band?' Peter 2 yells at him to focus.
Peter says they need to coordinate. Peter 2 agrees that they each need to
pick ONE target and neutralize them all one at a time. Peter 3 takes a
moment to gush that he loves them both so much.
Emilio: And I don't even care if that
makes me narcissistic.
Chrissy: Hey, as long as you don't pretend to be one of their
girlfriends and make out with them like SOMEBODY I WON'T NAME NAMES, we're
Diandra: Technically that wasn't canon.
Chrissy: Oh, it was canon SOMEWHERE, Stephen.
Diandra: Sorry, didn't you just full on make out with your variant,
causing people who had never even heard of fanfiction to discover the
concept of selfcest?
Chrissy: Oh, right. I forgot that probably comes with the territory
of being an interdimensional communal bicycle.
Uh...spoilers for the next movie, I guess?
They all pull on masks and leap off the scaffolding, swinging around in
tandem and webbing off each other and landing on the crown in three
different poses, only one of which is that hyper stylized three point
bullshit so I can at least be absolutely certain which of them is Tom.
Emilio: Tobey's costume has more
white webbing, Andrew's has more blue and Tom's has a lot of gold.
Flint, Curt and Max all line up to face them and they leap in slow motion
toward whichever one they are directly facing. SpideyTom announces that they
will start with Sandman. TobeySpidey (I think) says he'll lead him into the
statue and AndrewSpidey says he'll meet them there. But Curt tackles him
before he can get too far, so he tosses the cure vial at SpideyTom swinging
past. Max attacks SpideyTom and he drops it on the scaffolding. Peter 2
successfully reaches the crown with Sandman on his tail and yelps for
somebody to pass him the cure before he is consumed by sand.
Diandra: Got it. Thanks.
Peter 3 webs Curt to the scaffolding so he can deal with him later and runs
to recover the vial. He slings up to the crown, tosses the vial at Peter 1,
who activates it and tosses it in to Peter 2. Light blasts from inside the
crown and the sand recedes until Thomas Hayden Church is left blinking at
his refleshed hands.
Chrissy: So we've just completely
forgotten that he wasn't permanently stuck in Sandman form in his movie
Emilio: [shrugs] Apparently.
Because he can't be ignored, Electro is next. Peter 3 says he's never seen
Max this powerful and he's not sure how they're going to do this. Peter
thinks that's probably because he's somehow incorporated the arc reactor he
put on him to drain his power. He tries to web it away and Max is like 'the
fuck you will.' He blasts at the Spideys all perched on the statue's crown
and they scatter, along with a lot of blasted scaffolding. Peter directs the
other Peters to hold Max from either side with webs. Peter tries to jump at
him from the front and gets blasted back by the reactor. The other two
Peter's lunge at him in turn and get blasted back too. He spends some extra
time electrocuting Peter 3 just because before one of the other Peter's
distracts Max and he drops onto the scaffolding somewhere.
The lizard breaks free of the webbing and runs right through the portal Ned
still can't get closed. Peter follows and barely holds off Curt while the
other kids run through the portal to the statue, which is...not exactly the
safest direction, but okay. Curt gives chase, shaking Peter.
And then we go back to Max, who still has Peter 3 suspended mid-air because
I guess the continuity guy took a lunch break or something.
Chrissy: It's okay, no one will
Peter 3 drops...I guess the device they need to use on Max. Peter 2 webs it
and tries to swing over, but is caught by an Octoarm. Another tentacle grabs
Peter 3 and Otto hovers behind Max, smarming that he can take these two from
here. Lest we think he's had a sudden change of heart like Flint did since a
few scenes ago, Otto waits a couple beats and then uses a third tentacle on
Max. He drops the Spidermen and uses the fourth tentacle to attach the
"cure" to a dazed Max.
And the lizard is still chasing Peter's friends around on the scaffolding.
Ned frantically opens a portal into the ocean somewhere and water knocks
Curt back. MJ grabs the canister containing Curt's cure, which she somehow
knows exactly where to find, and tosses it to Peter, who shoves it in the
attacking lizard's mouth. It breaks, green smoke goes everywhere and we cut
away as Curt starts reverting back to human form. MJ prompts Ned to open
another portal so they can "get rid of" the doomsday box. The reasoning here
isn't important, the writers just needed him to accidentally open a portal
to wherever Stephen ended up so he can rejoin the action. He staggers out
and webs the box away from MJ. Ned yelps that Peter's plan to cure all the
bad guys is working before he can do anything with it. Stephen peers over
the railing to see Curt fully returning to Rhys Ifans mode. He takes a half
a second to acknowledge this before turning to Ned and asking if he just
opened a portal. Ned is like 'uh...yes? Sir?'
Chrissy: Don't mind him. He's just
upset that it took him forever and a near death experience to learn how to
do something you were able to do by accident.
Diandra: I mean...WHAT THE FUCK?!
Elsewhere, a now unmasked Peter 3 and depowered Max drop down onto the
scaffolding. Max groans that he's back to "being a nobody" and now it's
Peter 3's turn to stroke an ego. And I guess I forgot that Max never saw
this Peter without his mask because he rambles that he's a good looking kid
and all, but...all the good he was doing for poor people in Queens, he was
kind of hoping Spider-Man would turn out to be black. Peter apologizes for
the disappointment and Max says it's okay because there must be a black
Spider-Man out there in SOME universe.
Emilio: Yes and his name is Miles
The Amazing Spider-Man theme, written by James Horner, RIP, plays as Peter
helps Max up.
Diandra: He might be in this universe somewhere if it is the 616.
Or not. [exasperated handwaving] I don't know, he's SOMEWHERE, SOMEWHEN.
Otto is admiring the arc reactor he took off of Max when HIS Peter lands
beside him and pulls his mask off. Otto is happy to see him and notes that
he's "all grown up" now.
Emilio: I mean, I was probably
already in my 30s when you met me, but...
Peter says he's "trying to do better," which I'm going to assume is a
reference to a plot from Tobey's movies that I don't remember.
Diandra: But we're pretending he was only in his 20s. Like we're
pretending that Tom Holland is still a teenager.
A portal opens near them before this can get too sappy and Stephen emerges
with the MacGuffin box. Peter 1 swings over and starts babbling at him to
wait because they're SO CLOSE to winning here and... Stephen yells at him to
shut up because he just left him hanging over the Grand Canyon for TWELVE
Now you know how it feels.
You were only falling for thirty minutes, drama queen. You
didn't have enough time to question how the hell you're supposed to
relieve your bladder, which would DEFINITELY be a thing that would be
necessary in that amount of time and YES I AM IMPLYING THAT I PROBABLY
Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything about the smell. I
just figured you were used to it by now.
........did you just make another obscure reference to
"The Power of the Dog"?
She's just trying to prompt you to write that fic you said
you were going to write.
Thanks for the generous assumption there, Emilio,
but...no, I wasn't. [ETA: In the time it took me to type this recap up, I
did, in fact,
write that fic
Peters 2 and 3 swing over to stand by Peter and Stephen looks at them like
'oh, dear god, there are three of you now.' Because they don't know the
context of that Grand Canyon thing, they start berating Stephen for going
sight seeing when he could have been helping Peter with this situation here.
Peter calls them off and introduces them to Stephen as Peter Parker and
Peter Parker, pointing at Tobey and Andrew in turn for some reason, and they
are variants from other universes. He introduces the Peters to "the wizard"
he was telling them about while Stephen splutters and groans like WHAT THE
FUCK IS THIS INSANITY? He cuts Peter short, saying it's great that he
managed to make...whatever this is work, but they really have to stop now.
And that's the cue for the one everybody has apparently forgotten about to
return. "Can the Spider-Man come out to play," Norman cackles. He flies up,
grenades floating all around him. And then a bunch of things happen quickly
and it's kind of hard to track the movement. Otto appears behind Stephen,
catching a bunch of grenades with his tentacles and then somehow Norman has
the MacGuffin box and Otto grabs his flier before he can escape with it.
Stephen rips the box back with a light whip. Norman snaps the tentacle arm
All three Peters spot the grenade lodged in the MacGuffin box just as its
about to go off and Peter yells a warning to Stephen. The box explodes in
his face and the rings of contained spell burst out. Somehow in all the
chaos, the shield breaks away from the statue and starts crashing through
scaffolding. MJ falls off the rickety scaffolding, screaming and we switch
to slow motion as we do a complete homage to Gwen's death in "Amazing
Spider-Man 2". Peter leaps after MJ, but is intercepted by the Goblin and
his flier before he can catch her. Peter 3 recognizes this redemption moment
for what it is and leaps after her, catching her and webbing them both to a
safe landing. And then he gets emotional while he's asking if she's okay and
she's like 'uh...are YOU?'
Emilio: NO I AM NOT THANKS FOR
Stephen is levitating over the statue's crown, straining to pull the spell
back in. It works for about two seconds and then explodes completely outward
and creates some sort of purple cracks in the sky.
Ned nearly falls right behind MJ, but just as he loses his grip, the cloak
catches him like it wasn't just keeping Stephen in the air .25 seconds ago
like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
Chrissy: Hey, you try getting stuck
with an angry magic asshole for twelve hours and see if you don't drop him
in favor of a kid you barely know the first chance you get.
Diandra: Are you the CLOAK now?
Chrissy: Hey, there's an idea.
Emilio: So you're mad because you got pissed on then?
Chrissy: Meh. Not the first time. Also, not the only body fluid
I've been covered in.
Diandra: Okay, we're DONE WITH THIS NOW.
Emilio: I thought you preferred to watch, not participate.
Chrissy: I love that you already know me well enough that you
bypassed more innocent possibilities like "blood" there, Emilio.
Diandra: [gets up and leaves the room in the middle of that last
Emilio: That's because I didn't bypass anything. My brain went
RIGHT to the gutter. [long pause] She's coming back, isn't she?
Chrissy: Who? Diandra? Yeah, I'm sure. But to answer your question:
yes. But you know, unless there's another human or tentacle creature or
whatever involved, I kind of HAVE to get involved on account of the state
of his hands, so [stops with a startled shriek as Diandra returns with a
spray bottle and squirts her in the face] HEY!
Diandra: NO! Bad Chrissy!
The shield finishes destroying all of the scaffolding and the two Spidermen
not currently riding a demented villain's flier scramble to catch everyone
not capable of flying and the cloak still has Ned somehow because we cut the
moment where it dropped Stephen onto the torch that was still under the
shield, I guess. And then the editors just...felt free to cut back and forth
between Stephen trying to contain the spell with the cloak still around his
shoulders and the cloak rescuing Ned like 'it's okay, the fanboys aren't
paying attention to ANYTHING that isn't an Easter egg anymore so they'll
never notice.' Stephen looks at the purple cracks widening everywhere and
starts throwing spells at them to seal them up.
Peter 1 is still hanging onto the Green Goblin flier. He pulls a panel off
it and finds the grenade stash. Norman looks down just as he sticks one on
the underside of the flier. It explodes and they crash onto the fallen, half
"Thank you, Mr. Cape, sir," Ned says as he's deposited on the ground. Cloak.
It's a cloak. MJ runs to greet him and they call down to Peter to verify
that they made it out of that clusterfuck. Thus reassured, Peter turns back
to Norman, posing at him. Norman snorts that Peter is too "weak" to send him
home to die. Peter says nah, "I just wanna kill you myself." They lunge at
each other. Peter briefly gets Norman's foot webbed to the shield. Norman
pulls a dagger and gets a couple swipes in between punches.
The other Peters hear the commotion and peer over at this worriedly before
nodding to each other. And then Peter picks up the flier with its sharp
pointy ends, raises it over his head and goes to stab Norman with it. Peter
2 appears suddenly to grab it and stop him. He just stares at Peter and they
have some sort of silent argument until Peter lowers the weapon. Because I
guess none of them needs to really say things out loud being variations of
the same person. And then Norman uses the distraction to stab Peter 2 in the
back. Instead of trying to finish him or anything, he then turns to Peter
and taunts him about Aunt May's death really being his fault because HE was
the reason she was there in the first place.
Because we really just need to end this at this point, Peter 3 tosses the
last injector to Peter, who stabs Norman in the neck mid-cackle. Norman
collapses, the Goblin personality leaves his body and he frowns at the
Peters in confusion. "What have I done," he moans.
Peter 3 goes to check on Peter 2, who insists he's fine because he's "been
stabbed before." I don't think that's how that works, but okay. Peter squats
beside them and they're all distracted by the universe cracking noises still
going on overhead like 'oh, right...that's still a thing.' Peter 2 gapes at
it and asks if he's dying and are there people up there? Peter 3 says no,
they can all see it. He's fine.
Emilio: Relatively anyway.
The cloak has returned to hovering Stephen over the torch in what might be
an exact repeat of the shot from earlier because seriously, the editor
probably gave up at some point trying to make sense of the chaos. Peter
climbs up onto the torch and Stephen tells him everyone else from everywhere
else is coming through to this universe and he can't seem to stop it. Peter
asks if he can just cast the spell again as he was originally doing it
before Peter messed it up. Stephen thinks it's way too late for THAT to
work. Peter asks what if he makes everybody forget who he is completely.
Stephen agrees this would somehow work, but it would mean that everyone who
knows and loves Peter would have all memories of him wiped like he "never
existed". And halfway through that he acknowledges that he is one of those
Emilio: Told you you love me.
Peter assures him he is aware of the consequences and he should do it
anyway. Stephen tells him to go say goodbye to his friends then. Peter says
"thank you, sir," and Stephen returns to "call me Stephen." Except he still
thinks it sounds weird.
Emilio: How about...
Diandra: NO, you still cannot call me "Dad".
Chrissy: Yeah, I'm the only one who was ever allowed to do that.
Diandra: ..........sorry, who are you now?
Chrissy: Or did I only do that in my head after your cloak slapped
me for touching an artifact?
Emilio: That's from "Infinity War". She's Tony.
Diandra: Oh, dear god, no.
Chrissy: Why not? Seems like a good outlet for exorcising his daddy
Diandra: [holds up spray bottle warningly]
Peter swoops back down to the shield while Stephen starts casting a circle
of runes. Because he decided to start with his variants. Peter 2 is on his
feet now, being supported by Peter 3. Peter 1 starts babbling through an
awkward thank you and Peter 2 cuts him off with a smile and a "it's what we
do." They group hug and he runs off to find Ned and MJ. "You're in so much
pain right now, aren't you," Peter 3 asks from the corner of his mouth. "I
am," Peter 2 agrees.
Emilio: When you're my age you'll
realize that you can't just walk it off.
Peter webs over to his friends somehow and hugs them too before explaining
that they're about to forget who he is, but he promises to find them and
Chrissy: Again, this is LITERALLY
WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE ALL ALONG.
MJ is afraid this plan won't work and says she doesn't WANT to forget him.
Peter promises it will be okay and he wouldn't do this if he had literally
any other options. MJ sobs that she WILL figure it out again because she did
it once, so. She says she loves him but stops him when he starts to
reciprocate, saying he can wait to say that until after when he comes to
find her and fix this. They kiss and a sad, soppy version of his Spider-Man
Emilio: Still think that's too much work.
Diandra: It would have been less work if you had done it when the
spell was just everyone forgetting Peter Parker is Spider-Man.
Emilio: Yeah, it would be. Why didn't you suggest it then?
Diandra: [inhales slowly through clenched teeth] So looking forward
to forgetting you now.
The villains disappear in a glowing light one by one so they can experience
a moment of clarity and realization just before they die. Probably. The
other Peters separate and wave at each other as they both disappear back to
their own universes where they have already killed those bad guys that they
now realize had been reformed at the last possible second. I don't know. Is
that how this works? Does ANYBODY really know?
Peter looks up at Stephen, who nods. Then he spends a really long beat
staring at Ned and MJ before webbing away.
Emilio: Wouldn't it be easier if I
just stayed and explained everything right away?
Stephen blasts the finished circle of runes outward over the horizon in all
directions. And then we just skip ahead in time before anyone can ask any
awkward questions about what just happened like 'what the fuck am I doing on
Diandra: DON'T QUESTION THE WRITERS. JUST GO.
Chrissy: Or, like, hovering above it.
Is there a lag before that actually goes into effect? Does it work on
Tobey and Andrew's universes too or just this one?
Diandra: Why do I suspect the answer to those questions would just
involve lobbing more easter eggs?
Emilio: Everybody forgot who Peter Parker is. They didn't forget
Diandra: So they remember a big battle with Spidermen and their
villains from two other universes, just...not his real identity? You know,
what you said earlier about just forgetting Peter Parker and Spiderman are
the same person being SO MUCH EASIER is absolutely true. Because how does
this even work? What sort of fucked up memories do MJ and Ned have that
explain why they were on Liberty Island during that whole mess with
Spider-Man? Is everyone's memory of the past few days erased completely
along with all those protest signs, the original video and that display
they put in the school? Is everyone's memory of Spider-Man with his hood
off edited now? How much of his involvement in the last two Avengers
movies does anyone still alive remember?
Chrissy: See, this is why you shouldn't think too hard about these
Emilio: It should be interesting to see how this influences other
movies going forward. Because it might only apply to people who were ON
EARTH at the time the spell was cast. Right? So Nick Fury and Carol
Danvers might remember him.
Diandra: .........you are putting way too much faith in the writers
of this series to have their shit together.
Over a shot of the Statue restored to her original shieldless state, Jameson
exposit rants about it being two weeks since the "fiasco" and the Spider-Man
"cultists" are still insisting on calling him a hero. Jameson yells that if
he truly were a hero, he would stop being a coward, take off his mask and
reveal his true identity.
And we're now at Christmas, which means I guess the entirety of the main
action in "Hawkeye" plays out right here. But since there's no significant
overlap between the two stories, it doesn't matter all that much to anyone
but the people who obsess over timelines and WHEN exactly every single event
in a fictional universe occurs on them. And those people are probably still
more concerned about all the shifting of the first few movies of the MCU and
the fact that "Homecoming" went into a wormhole and declared that eight
years had gone by since the Chittauri attack four years earlier. But yeah,
the writers totally have had this all mapped out years ahead and know
exactly what they're doing and it's all airtight.
Chrissy: Pfffffttttt. [wanking
Peter is practicing a speech reintroducing himself to Ned and MJ as he goes
back to the cafe. MJ turns as he enters and looks like she's recognizing
him, but it turns out she's just waving at Ned arriving behind him. MJ
stands in front of Peter and does a standard food service greeting. Peter
starts his speech and I guess chickens out when he sees the blank stare
she's giving him and ends up saying "my name is Peter Parker and I...would
like a coffee, please." She snorts at his overshare greeting and grabs a
donut for Ned. MJ and Ned banter a bit about MIT, which they are both still
Peter is staring at Ned when MJ brings his coffee. He asks if she is excited
to go to MIT. She says yeah, actually, which is pretty out of character for
her. He's like 'I know...I mean...uh...' He really clumsily goes to pay for
the coffee and asks if the mark that she got on her forehead at some point
during that last scene that is still covered by a bandaid hurts. She says
no, not anymore. He stares at her again like a creepy stalker before shoving
the speech he had written in his pocket and leaving with the coffee. MJ
frowns like she's maybe sensing something or maybe they're just fucking with
Emilio: The scene might have
originally gone that way before a rewrite.
Diandra: Yeah, either that or that's a fanwank theory that came out
after the movie. I can't remember which.
Sometime later, Peter goes to put a single white rose on May's grave. Both
her date of birth and date of death are obscured, which is convenient in
case the writers realize they fucked up something and need to retcon dates
Chrissy: Such an optimist.
And then Happy shows up and asks how this kid he no longer recognizes knew
her. Peter sort of gulps and says uh..."through Spider-Man". Happy says
yeah, me too.
Chrissy: This is going to create a
major headache for any future installments involving him, isn't it?
Happy starts rambling about how he lost a really good friend recently and
"it hurts 'cause they're gone and then it hurts all over again because you
remember what they stood for and you wonder 'is all that gone too?'" Peter
doesn't think so. He's confident that all the people she helped will "keep
Diandra: I have absolutely no doubt.
Emilio: In this universe. Those guys
I cured and sent back to their universes are probably dead by now.
Peter slips away and goes back to the now empty apartment that I guess is
all his now. We see a copy of a GED test prep book in one of his moving
boxes because I guess his entire academic history has also been erased. He
listens to a police scanner through his phone, puts on his suit and jumps
out the window, swinging down the street in the snow past the Rockerfeller
tree that is still up so that last episode of "Hawkeye" obviously hasn't
And we smash to credits accompanied by a song about three being the magic
Chrissy: Very comforting. People
usually give up after three.
Diandra: [heavy sigh]
Chrissy: That was a reference to-
Diandra: I KNOW what it was a reference to.
And now we get the scene that made me yell at the television screen.
Tom Hardy's Venom is at a tiki bar in Mexico, scribbling notes on several
pieces of paper. He says so what the bartender is saying is that this place
is just LOUSY with supers? The symbiote snarls that yeah, dummy, that's what
that several hour Q&A has been ALL about. Eddie begs forgiveness because
"I'm an idiot": so this billionaire in a flying tin suit and a big angry
green guy fought this purple alien with a jewel fetish... He says that
sounds like bullshit because in his experience aliens only want to eat
people's brains. The bartender says this one is very real and made his
family disappear for five years. Eddie wonders if he should go to New York
and have a little chat with this Spider-Man guy. The symbiote thinks he
should go skinny dipping on account of he's drunk. The bartender thinks he
should pay for his drinks. And this is apparently when everyone returned to
their universes because Eddie starts to glow and the symbiote yells about
how they JUST GOT HERE as he disappears. The bartender grumbles and walks
away without noticing the drop of symbiote on the counter that starts to
crawl away on its own.
Emilio: And that's how we get Venom
in this universe.
Diandra: As long as I don't need more than a vague awareness that
those movies exist...I can live with that.
Instead of a post credit scene, they just tacked the preview for "Multiverse
of Madness" after the credits, which suggests either they DIDN'T run it
before the movie in theaters (I don't know because I refused to risk
catching COVID and waited for it to come on video) or the die hard Marvel
fans who know to stick around for mid and post credit scenes got
disappointed twice with stuff that added nothing.
Chrissy: Although it does start with
dialogue from this movie that suggests the repercussions of the botched
spell are responsible for the mess that will need to be fixed now.
Diandra: I guess. Although the little recap things Disney+ does
under the title "Legends" had three going into "Multiverse of Madness" and
NONE of them mentioned anything that happened in this movie. Again, this
is probably because the whole multiverse storyline was messed up by the
pandemic and they're still trying to get it back on track.
Emilio: So what do you think? Will this be your longest recap so
Diandra: Maybe? [ETA: No. It doesn't even beat "Endgame"]
Chrissy: That wasn't so bad, was it?
Diandra: I didn't think it would be. It's not that I didn't like
this movie, I just think that all the fanservicing and nostalgia gave the
fanboys the biased impression that it was the best superhero movie ever
made that deserved to win an Academy Award for Best Picture. (The fact
that they pushed the Academy to create a ridiculous "fan favorite" Twitter
poll category just for this, only to have it fail to win that too is
something I will never NOT find hilarious). And then they carried this
bias to "Multiverse of Madness", which they declared the worst MCU movie
ever (an equally ridiculous statement) for failing to live up to their
expectations that every Marvel movie now be chock full of cameos and
easter eggs and ONLY the comic book plots they liked. Which is weird in
itself because they don't seem to realize just how closely the plot of
this one aligned with "One More Day", which they didn't particularly like.
Chrissy: .........you feel better now that you have that out of
Chrissy: No, I'm surprised you waited this long. So are you ready
to just jump into the next one?
Diandra: I will never be ready for that. But more importantly, ever
since I decided to do brief recaps I'm catching up to actual releases
faster than usual, so we should probably take a break.
Chrissy: Maybe you can write some fan fiction.
Diandra: Haha. You're funny.