Spider Man: No Way Home

"Spider Man: No Way Home"

Starring: Tom Holland, Zendaya, Jacob Batalon, Benedict Cumberbatch, Marisa Tomei, Jon Favreau, Alfred Molina, Willem Dafoe, Jaime Fox, Tobey Maguire, Andrew Garfield, JK Simmons and the voices (mostly) of Thomas Hayden Church and Rhys Ifans

Appearances by: Benedict Wong, Charlie Cox

For the last few Marvel recaps I've noted how COVID wrecked whatever plans there were originally for the MCU, first by pushing back the release dates, like, three times and then by messing up the order in which parts of the story were supposed to be told. At one point I thought this movie would mark the point at which they finally righted the ship, but...no. It wasn't as obviously affected as "Multiverse of Madness", but the fact that it was supposed to be a sort of joint story that came AFTER that one (which was supposed to be in theaters at the same time "Loki" was running) shows that the whole multiverse plot wasn't revealed the way it was originally supposed to be and there were a lot of fan reactions that couldn't quite grasp that because they seem really determined to believe that every single detail was mapped out from the beginning.

Chrissy: Hence the fan theory that "Multiverse of Madness" takes place BEFORE "No Way Home" to explain any weird inconsistencies in character and/or plot.
Diandra: Yeah. Aaaaaaalmost had it there.

Anyway. I'm sure this will come up at some point - or several points - later. But the biggest reason fans were willing to overlook any plot holes or inconsistencies here is because this movie relied VERY HEAVILY on fan service.

Chrissy: I mean, if you're giving a guy a reacharound, he's not going to notice, like, ANYTHING that you're saying while you're doing it.
Diandra: Thanks for the imagery. Can always count on you for crude analogies.
Emilio: What about me?
Diandra: Yes, you too. Although in this case, you're here because you ARE Peter Parker and you probably remember ALL of the Spider Man movies better than we do.
Emilio: Yeah, probably. Although to be fair, I remember a lot of things better than you do.
Chrissy: [laughs and high fives Emilio]
Diandra: Already ganging up on me then. This'll be fun.

Anyway, previously on Marvel, the company nearly went bankrupt and sold the rights to Spider Man and the X-Men in the 90s. Both turned into wildly popular franchises with Toby Maguire and Hugh Jackman respectively (I mean, there were other people in the X-Men movies, obviously, but...), although according to popular opinion they both fell apart after two movies. Spider Man rebooted again for reasons of needing to maintain copyright or something with Andrew Garfield and didn't even get past the two movies.

Chrissy: Yeah, my favorite piece of trivia on this movie is that Andrew responded to people demanding a third "Amazing Spider-Man" with "where the fuck were you people in 2014?"
Diandra: And the answer to that is, obviously, elementary school.
Chrissy: Obviously.

The X-Men is still trying reboots or prequels or whatever the hell is going on over there, but we'll get to that later. Maybe. Because where I was going with this little story is that after those first two franchises, Marvel took a gamble on Robert Downey Jr. staging a comeback and launched movies about all the second tier DC ripoff characters in the pantheon and accidentally created the biggest franchise yet. Twenty something movies and a half a dozen TV shows later, here we are.

Previously on this particular iteration of Spider Boy Wonder: Peter was introduced as a sort of protege to Tony Stark, which I guess makes a sort of sense even though we're doing his entire character arc while he's still in high school. He fought Birdman...er...Vulture and Mysterio because I guess they were avoiding literally anything that looked like the stories fans had already seen twice in the past two decades. Instead of Tony convincing him to out himself as Spider-Man during the Mutant Registration debacle that turned into a Civil War as happened in the comics, Mysterio dropped that bomb in a video leaked to the press. JK Simmons, who went from Tobey's curmudgeon of a boss to Andrew's "yeah, he's in here somewhere, we swear!" vague reference has turned into the MCUs right wing scream "news" host who gleefully broadcasts the video on every frequency everywhere.

We begin right there, with Jake Gyllenhal's voice babbling over the opening studio cards about how Spider-Man attacked him with Stark's drones and he says he's going to be the new Iron Man and "Spider-Man's name is Peter Parker!" This time, instead of cutting to credits, Peter's "what the fu..." is cut off by a car honking loudly. MJ is on the ground where he just deposited her and he sees people start swarming around her like 'aren't you his girlfriend?'. Peter jumps down to try to pry her away and people start descending on him, angry because they now believe he is a cold blooded murderer and he's JUST A CHILD at that.

Emilio: Well, I should really be in college by now, but whatever.
Diandra: Yeah, it was interesting to go back and look at what the comic book arc for his character is and how each franchise chose different pieces to construct it. Tobey's mostly followed the arc but skipped over the whole Gwen Stacey thing (and then weirdly introduced her later as a third wheel). Andrew's focused entirely on that part and never got to Mary Jane. And then Holland's...
Emilio: They're pretty much doing their own thing with an MJ who isn't really either of his comics girlfriends.
Diandra: But tried to do the Civil War thing in a sort of backwards way without any of the context covered in the other versions, yeah.

One lady tries to rip his mask off and yells that he hit her when he pushes her away. He finally just grabs MJ and webs out of there, flying past screens where JK is showing his yearbook photo and declaring him Public Enemy Number One. And a poster for the Rogers musical. Which is, arguably, more traumatizing. MJ is clinging to him for dear life and stops screaming long enough to ask where they're going. He suggests her house. She says her dad will KILL him. Because even if he liked him before...

He lands them on a beam so he can take a call from Ned and they just scream "DUUUUUDE" at each other a few times before MJ is like HELLO, I'M STILL HERE. A passing zipline car full of tourists gawks at them, as do people on nearby balconies. And then a couple helicopters hover near them. They swing down into the subway past Flash, who is just now figuring out who SpiderMan is because he really is that dense. Except instead of maybe getting on a train he just swings them along the tracks for a bit and they crawl up back through a manhole. "That was so much worse," she mutters.

Emilio: You're totally going to break up with me, aren't you?

She wraps all her limbs around him and he apologizes before webbing them all over town again until they reach his and Aunt May's apartment and crawl through a window. Out in the hallway, Happy is tearfully apologizing that he didn't realize May was "so miserable". She says no, it was fun, but it was just a fling. They can totally "hang out" again though. She starts to close the door on him when there's a crash from Peter's room and he rushes to check that out. As he's barreling down the hallway, we hear Peter yelling "oh no, I don't know what to do!" He opens the door and Peter is mostly undressed and MJ is cradling his head like she was trying to get his attention or something and he draws the obvious conclusions.

Chrissy: Although the yelling about not knowing what to do makes that kinda...worrying.
Emilio: Meh.
Diandra: At least he admits it?

Happy backpedals, swearing he didn't see anything there and May starts to close the door with a reminder for them to be safe, whatever they're doing there when she realizes the girl is MJ. She greets her instead. Peter notices Happy has been crying and he says yeah, they broke up. Thrilled to have this distraction, he latches onto her and asks what happened. She mutters something about boundaries and rushes to answer the door as the bell rings. This whole scene has been one long shot with everybody talking quickly and over each other like maybe it was written by Aaron Sorkin or something. And it keeps going as Peter pulls May from the door and MJ slams it in a curious neighbor's face and returns to the living room to find May whispering to Peter about being so nervous about sex. Peter says this doesn't have anything to do with sex and runs around webbing all the window shades down as people yell about Spider Man outside. The TV switches to a "breaking news" story about Spider-Man's identity as he tries to talk to May and Happy about this breakup thing. MJ points to the screen and they realize they're looking at a shot of the outside of the apartment building where three helicopters are hovering and a crowd is forming on the street. Peter suggests this might not be as big a deal as it looks.

And we smash to Jonah Jameson yelling about "Spider-Menace", the MURDERER and WAR CRIMINAL who is being investigated by MULTIPLE governments.

Emilio: See? It's fine.

Sometime that night, Peter and May are still watching news footage announcing that the drones used in that attack in London were definitely from Stark Industries when some agents bang on the door with an arrest warrant.

At the police station, he tries to explain that he didn't kill Quentin Beck, the drones did. Which...yeah, doesn't sound great. I mean, basically it's the equivalent of the gun he was using to try to kill Peter backfiring, right? Anyway, the cop says the drones were Peter's. Peter insists Nick Fury was there the whole time and they can just ask him. And here's where a post credit scene becomes critical to understanding because it wasn't until then that we knew it wasn't really Nick Fury the whole movie. One of the cops says yeah, about that...Nick Fury hasn't been on Earth for the past year, so. Peter is confused, but he's distracted when May and MJ (and Ned for some reason) are paraded past the interrogation room. He says they had nothing to do with any of it and they simultaneously yell at him to NOT say ANYTHING until he has a lawyer.

We quickly drop some exposition that was somehow never mentioned before when the cop interrogating MJ calls her "Miss Jones-Watson" and she snaps that she doesn't go by "Watson". It's just "Jones". So...she's a completely different character. But not really. It's not all that clear. The cop asks why a smart girl like her would risk her whole future by "getting involved with a vigilante like Peter Parker?" She doesn't say anything, probably, because she's too smart to fall for their attempt to get her to talk without a lawyer present. Ned, however...just babbles about helping Peter fight Vulture LONG before MJ knew anything. The cop is like 'oh, so you admit to being his main accomplice!' He's like 'uh...I plead the fifth?'

The cop goes to May next and smarms about how she is guilty of child endangerment. And since she is effectively his mother now, this encouraging him to endanger everyone else is just...awful.

Chrissy: And on a related note...have you even had the Birds and the Bees talk with him? Because eye witness testimony suggests you haven't.

She refrains from ripping his head off with her bare hands. Sadly.

And then they're all back at the apartment watching a news story about Stark Industries being under investigation and using a picture of Happy from apparently the turn of the Millennium with that unfortunate long hair look to accompany his "no comment" statement. He thinks it's a good picture.

Chrissy: Oh, honey. No.

And then Matt Murdock sits at the table with Peter, hanging up his phone and announces that the charges against Peter are not going to stick. But the feds are still looking into that missing Stark Industries tech, so...Happy might need a lawyer if he was involved in that. Also, even though Peter isn't in any LEGAL trouble, there's still "the court of public opinion". A brick comes sailing through the window suddenly and Peter starts to catch it but Matt is a couple seconds faster. Peter is like 'dude...what the hell? Aren't you blind?'

Chrissy: Did ANYBODY see my show? I mean, I know it was on Netflix, but still.
Diandra: Seriously, this is sort of an awkward scene that probably had to be explained to a lot of people. Like...everyone who wasn't the target audience of fanboys who have watched literally everything Marvel (and possibly nothing else) for the past two decades.

Peter takes the brick and looks down at the paper wrapped around it that says "we believe Mysterio". May realizes they're going to need to move to someplace safer.

So they go to a safe house of Happy's, which is triple locked and alarmed. Dum-E waves at them from the kitchen.

Peter goes to wash his Spider costume and finds a case from Stark Industries hidden in the laundry room. Then he apparently just retires to the couch and calls MJ so they can chat about whether they've gotten their college applications in yet and what he sees as her best qualities. Which he is obviously being flamingly sarcastic about because they include "relentless optimism" and being into sports. MJ hears a noise and Peter shows her Happy sleeping on a barcalounger in the corner because May has his room. MJ turns serious and asks if Peter is maybe just a little relieved by "all this". Peter says he's only had one week of "normal" ever since he was bitten by that spider. Whenever that was. It was when she found out because once she knew then everyone he cared about officially knew.

Emilio: And also, like...a bunch of guys - and a few girls - in spandex and whoever Vulture talks to in prison before he's sent into the Morbius universe in a few scenes apparently.
Diandra: Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and pretend that shit never happened.
Chrissy: You and a LOT of other people.

Happy suddenly tells Peter to hang up because he could really use some sleep instead of listing to a couple teenagers gush and goo and make heart eyes at each other.

Chrissy: The fact that he can hear anything around [a sleep apnea machine] proves that the machine isn't actually turned on.

So Peter returns to school a newly minted celebrity, running the gauntlet of protesters and groupies outside. Flash, meanwhile, has totally taken advantage of all of this to quickly write a book in the last few days or something and peddle it to the reporters as a tell all from Spidey's best friend. Because he's THAT kind of dick. He's standing right next to Peter's actual best friend Ned, who the reporters don't recognize at ALL, while he does this, which...I feel like this is the potential breeding ground of a future villain.

Emilio: Well, that would make sense, because Ned is a Spiderman villain in the comics.
Chrissy: Seriously?
Diandra: Yeah, he told me about that when I first saw the movie. This was another character I knew nothing about outside of the MCU. See also: Christine Palmer, who is a completely different character and we'll definitely be talking about that with the next movie. Anyway...Wikipedia only has him as a minor character - the abusive husband of Jameson's secretary - who becomes the third Hobgoblin. Nerdopedia though...has a whole story that might provide some insight into where this part of the MCU might have gone and which this movie might be giving occasional winking references to. Apparently while he was Hobgoblin, he helped Mordo steal a book of Magic from the Sanctum Sanctorum that somehow made Mordo the Sorcerer Supreme and Ned his apprentice.
Chrissy: ..........what.
Diandra: And this involved going into the realm of Nightmare, who was originally supposed to be the villain in "Doctor Strange 2", so...
Emilio: I don't know if that would have been better or worse.
Diandra: It's wildly different anyway, which brings me to the thing I will DEFINITELY be bitching about in the next recap: HOW THE FUCK CAN THIS BE UNIVERSE 616?!

Gah. Moving on. For now.

One of the ways we are shown how surreal things have gotten in Peter's life is that he and MJ are wanded by security guards before they can get in the high school, which...um...is already a thing in a lot of inner city schools, actually. Welcome to America, where the number one cause of death in adolescence is now gun violence because Republicans worship the second amendment too much to do anything about this.

Inside, he is greeted by the principal, that teacher we've seen in the last two movies and that one teacher who referred to Captain America as a terrorist and is apparently here under protest. They have changed the school moto to "where we shape heroes" and made a display case about Spider Man. The principal says they're totally cool with him swinging through the halls or crawling on the ceiling to avoid his classmates or whatever. Peter walks away awkwardly, through a crowd of classmates all taking pictures of him on their phone.

Chrissy: Luckily, it's senior year, so it wouldn't be weird if you just...ditched out early.

He and MJ hide out on the roof of the building sometime later and MJ proves to be the weirdest Zoomer by reading to him from a physical newspaper. It's a tabloid all about Spider-Man and she highlights the part where they suggest he may have the power of hypnosis that he uses to "seduce Jones-Watson into his cult of personality." Because, you know, male spiders are known to do that to female spiders according to a reporter who either read that science fact wrong or got if from some mirror universe because I'm pretty sure that's backwards and also one of Spider-Woman's abilities. Ned crashes in on their little party and rambles about how they should all live together when they get into MIT. Peter thinks that sounds great, but they need backup schools in Boston in case they don't all get into MIT. So they'll be together anyway and he can still be Spider-Man because they have crime in Boston, right?

Emilio: Yes, but Batman is already taking care of that.
Diandra: Ha. Wait...which Batman? Because two of them are already villains in the MCU - one directly connected to Spiderman - so that would leave...oh, god, it's Emo Twilight Batman, isn't it?
Emilio: Or it could be Batfleck, which would mean all the other Justice League characters would be there too.
Diandra: I both love that and think it would be the crossover from hell.

Peter notices MJ doesn't seem enthusiastic about this plan and she recites her life philosophy: that if you expect disappointment, you can never be disappointed. He holds her hand and assures her it will be a "fresh start" and they will be together no matter what. Ned puts his hand on top of theirs like 'I too am in this relationship!'

To whimsical music (according to the closed captioner), May and Peter open rejection letters from colleges he applied to, which he brushes off because they are "backup schools". When he gets the letter from MIT, he and Ned rush to the cafe MJ works at so they can all open their letters at the same time. The sad music telegraphs the contents before their facial expressions. Peter and MJ confirm verbally that they were rejected. Ned reads out loud that it is due to "recent controversy" that they can't even consider the applications. In other words, their proximity to a guy the world has decided is a murderer. Peter whines that this isn't FAIR, which...uh...yeah, kid. Welcome to your first lesson in life. Flash crashes in wearing an MIT sweatshirt and acts surprised that the others didn't get in which shows a surprising ability to tell who is really Peter's friends and who isn't on the part of admissions since he tried so hard to convince everyone he was one. He apologizes lamely and runs out of the diner. MJ says it doesn't matter because she wouldn't have changed anything. Ned agrees. They rip up their letters and leave Peter alone to contemplate the Halloween decorations that haven't been taken down yet, which include a string of plastic lights shaped like a person with a witch hat and a goatee.

Chrissy: Are those custom, or...
Diandra: A couple of them look like they might just have the facial hair magic markered on, but I can't really work out what they are supposed to look like without that, so...yeah, maybe it made sense in universe for somebody to make all the witch decorations look like Doctor Strange now.

In case this is too subtle, the Doctor Strange theme (which still doesn't sound anything like the "Sherlock" theme, Benedict fans, cut it out) weaves into the soundtrack while Peter has a very slow "aha!" moment. The music continues as he goes to the Sanctum. He goes to ring the doorbell and the doors open before he can touch it, revealing the entry and main staircase covered in ice and snow. Peter steps in awkwardly and starts introducing himself to the minions who are shoveling the main floor. Wong appears through a portal and says yeah, they know who he is. He's the most famous person in the world right now.

Chrissy: Jealousy over that is probably part of the reason Stephen is going through an Elsa period right now.
Diandra: Must you describe it like that?
Chrissy: Yes. Let it go, Stephen.

Wong introduces himself offhandedly and tells Peter not to slip because "we don't have liability insurance."

Peter is like 'so...is this just some really elaborate party prep, or...' Wong says the gateway to Siberia in the rotunda malfunctioned and spat a blizzard through the sanctum. Stephen appears and floats down the stairs to join them while snotting that it happened because SOMEBODY didn't cast the monthly maintenance spell to tighten the seals. He slips as he lands on the icy floor, but manages not to spill the contents of his mug, which has a sanitized swear joke on it.

Chrissy: You know, I know we joke about you being Doctor Strange, but...I'm pretty sure you actually have that mug, D. I know I've seen it before.
Diandra: It's not a mug. It's a wine glass. Which is why you would recognize it.
Chrissy: Ah. Okay. Not sure if that's better or worse.
Emilio: Considering that headcanon you did in "What If", there's a good chance there's alcohol in that mug anyway.

Chrissy: I just realized all three guys here are covering their British accents and we should have taken bets on who would break first.
Diandra: Oh, we all know who would break first. [points at self] Seriously, I know his fans think he's perfect, but if he talks with this accent long enough there's always a point where it sounds like he's trying to swallow his own tongue. (Or as Honest Trailers described it, like a British man playing a German man playing an American).

Anyway, Wong looks at Peter as he pointedly says that yes, SOMEBODY didn't do the spells because SOMEBODY forgot that he has more important shit to do now, being the Sorcerer Supreme and all. Stephen thinks Wong only got that job by default when he was blipped for five years. "If I'd been here..." "You'd burn the place down," Wong growls before yelling at the minions to keep shoveling.

Emilio: Should I come back later when you guys aren't fighting?
Chrissy: Nah, we're done. For now. Until His Majesty decides to make another snide remark about me not keeping up with my duties while swanning around day drinking.
Diandra: You keep talking to me like that and you wonder WHY I drink?
Emilio: [snort][clapping] I know I had to be in this recap because of the Peters, but this was really the reason I wanted to be here.
Diandra: The thing is...this actually kind of feels like it's from the comics where Stephen and Jason (which is his first name there if not here) have known each other forever and totally talk to each other like they've been married for years. At least the two that spring to my mind had them doing that. I distinctly remember one where Stephen teams up with Peter to defeat a Big Bad and comes home to Wong, who almost literally greets him like 'so how was your day, honey?' I love that they're bringing that dynamic in here.

By the way, Stephen is wearing the cloak over both his own college sweatshirt and a parka, like...way to be extra.

Chrissy: You say that like it's a surprise to anyone.
Diandra: Oh [blows a raspberry]

He asks what Peter is here for while he heads for a fireplace along the wall to drop some sort of fire spell into. Peter starts babbling apologies for bothering him and calls him "sir". Stephen snorts that he can drop the "sir" thing since it's kind of weird to be that formal after they saved half the universe together. But Peter calls him Stephen and his face kind of twitches like 'I was wrong. That's weird. Let's just keep going and ignore that.' Peter says Mysterio revealing his identity has messed up his whole life and he was wondering if Stephen could go back in time and fix it. Stephen says they already messed with spacetime to resurrect billions of people and he wants to do it again for THAT?

Emilio: Uh, well, we COULD wait for somebody to shoot Aunt May like in the comics so it makes more sense, but...

Peter claims this is ruining the futures of everyone in his vicinity and all they are guilty of is knowing him. Stephen is like 'yeah, that sucks kid, but the Infinity Stones are gone now, remember? The only way we can mess around with time travel anymore is if we steal Ant Man's Quantum Time Tunnel.'

Peter does his best impression of a kicked puppy and starts slinking away, muttering that Stephen can forget he was even here. Wong reappears behind him to say that shouldn't be a problem because "he's very good at forgetting things."

Diandra: Just because I forgot an anniversary I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE WERE CELEBRATING doesn't mean I don't care.

Stephen has a half a second to look at Wong like 'dude, you're really going to have this out in front of the kid?' before the word "forget" triggers a thought. He says Wong actually is on to something there. "The Runes of Kof-Kol" which is a standard forgetting spell that could make people forget he was ever Spiderman. Wong says no, bad idea. That spell is skirting the border of dark magic. And here's the first obvious rewrite of these next two movies. In the trailer for this movie, Wong just tells Stephen not to do it and disappears through a portal and Stephen winks conspiratorially at Peter like 'he thinks he can tell me what to do just because HE'S Sorcerer Supreme. Pffffttttt' and does it anyway. Somewhere between that trailer release and the actual movie release it turned into this. "We've used it for a lot less," Stephen says. "Do you remember the full-moon party at Kamar Taj?" "No," Wong says. "Exactly."

Chrissy: This isn't the time I woke up next to a goat and you couldn't look me in the eye for a full week, is it? Or the time we kept finding glitter in your hair and clothes for, like, a month?
Diandra: Yeah, I...may have used it more than once.
Emilio: You should write a fic about this.
Diandra: Not everything is a fic prompt.
Chrissy: No, but this DEFINITELY is.

Stephen makes his own puppy dog eyes at Wong and says Peter has suffered enough. Wong grumbles whatever, just "leave me out of this" and disappears through a portal.

Chrissy: You know I can't stay mad at you when you act all cute.
Diandra: [smiles and bats eyelashes]
Chrissy: You're still sleeping on the couch though.

Stephen smirks at Peter, waits maybe half a second and takes him into the as-yet-unseen basement of the Sanctum to perform the forgetting spell.

Emilio: Quick question: why does this place have a torture dungeon?
Chrissy: I can answer that.
Diandra: Please don't.
Chrissy: You see, Peter, sometimes Stephen is a naughty boy and needs to be punished...
Diandra: [loud groan of annoyance]
Chrissy: ...and it's just easier if all the equipment is on-site and also far enough underground that nobody can hear because he can get really loud.
Emilio: That's what I thought.
Diandra: Ugh. Why do I keep inviting you to do these things?
Chrissy: Because you love me and you are a masochist? That's another free fic prompt by the way.
Diandra: No. I am not writing another Doctor Strange BDSM porn fic. Jesus. We're like, twenty minutes in and this recap is already getting away from me. [ETA: notice I had to say "another"? Yeah.]

So actually, when Peter asks what this place is Stephen blathers something about the intersection of energy currents and parts of the Sanctum are thousands of years old. Then he randomly adds that it was used to film an episode of "The Equalizer" in the 80s like 'we are so committing to loading this sucker with ALL the easter eggs possible that we are not limiting ourselves to Marvel. Get used to it.' Peter thanks him for doing this and calls him sir. Stephen says "don't mention it" while he pours something into, like, a cauldron or something and adds "and don't call me sir."

Emilio: Oh, sorry. Guess that's probably weird having someone else call YOU that in here.
Diandra: GodDAMNit, Chrissy.
Chrissy: What? HE said it!

Stephen announces he's ready, says it was nice knowing him and rolls his eyes like he's going into a trance while he starts gesturing. Peter frowns and says wait a minute...what does THAT mean? Stephen says the spell will make the whole world forget that Peter Parker is Spiderman including him. Peter is like wait a minute...it has to be everyone? Really? Stephen says yes and it is "very difficult and dangerous" to change the parameters of the spell WHILE he's casting it, so if Peter would just shut up now.

Chrissy: This is why you should have discussed the terms ahead of time. A concept I would THINK you would understand, Stephen.
Diandra: [glares]
Emilio: Is his safeword still Shambala?
Chrissy: No, I think that was just the wifi password. His safeword is Dormammu.
Diandra: You would remember that detail, wouldn't you?

Peter frets that his girlfriend will forget and would that make her not his girlfriend anymore? The runes swirling around their heads and in Stephen's hand start wobbling and Stephen asks if she's only his girlfriend BECAUSE he's Spiderman. Peter doesn't THINK so, but... Stephen swipes all the runes away and starts over with the conditions that everyone in the world BUT his girlfriend will forget that he's Spiderman. Peter is like '....and also my best friend Ned.' Stephen sighs, the runes wobble and he tells Peter to stop changing the parameters while he's casting the spell now. Peter says yeah, okay. But Aunt May should know too.

Chrissy: JUST TELL THEM AGAIN YOU IDIOT.
Emilio: I could, but that would be too hard.

Stephen growls FINE, one more exception. Now shut up before I make YOU forget who you are. Peter starts babbling about how Happy should know too and explaining who he is and the runes wobble insanely before everything sort of...explodes and the runes form big rings spinning around them while they're levitated a few feet and the Sanctum turns into rubble while Peter yells that everyone who knew he was Spiderman before, like, yesterday should still know. Stephen looks at the chaos swirling around and strains to gather the Sanctum back together, screaming. The runes disappear and they drop back to the ground. Peter asks if it worked then. Stephen is like NO YOU GODDAMN IDIOT BECAUSE YOU INTERFERED LIKE HALF A DOZEN TIMES. Peter mumbles that it was only five. Stephen snaps that he TOLD him not to do that and points at the glowing orb on the podium now that apparently contains the messed up spell or something and says that it went TOTALLY out of control there.

Emilio: Well, maybe you shouldn't have invited me to watch while you cast it then. I mean, when you think about it...this is kinda your fault.
Diandra: [sputtering noises] You know what? You're lucky I don't have the time stone anymore because I might be tempted to use it right now.
Chrissy: Can we talk about how Emilio just totally did a call back to Peter saying pretty much exactly those words to Tony in "Infinity War"?
Diandra: And in this case it is far more applicable. [applauds]

Peter starts to apologize again, calling him Stephen and Stephen barks at him that it's SIR to him now. Peter sort of shrinks like 'yes sir, sorry sir' and Stephen mutters that he keeps forgetting that Peter is just a KID. He opines that the problem was never Mysterio, it was the fact that he was trying to live two different lives at once.

Emilio: Meh...pretty sure it's that Mysterio told everyone I was a murdering psycho, but okay.

Stephen says and about the whole college thing...if he asked them to reconsider their applications and they didn't then there's really nothing else anyone can do. Peter is like 'wait...I can just ask?'

Chrissy: I love how because he's in this crazy universe with magic he went to the most insane solution before even THINKING of the obvious alternatives.
Emilio: Well, that probably IS how most Spiderman plots start.
Diandra: Yeah, I kind of skimmed through all the previous Spiderman movies to refresh my memory before I watched this one and I realized that all of his villains are either mentally unstable or had a horrible accident while trying an insane solution to a problem or both.
Emilio: Or just...had an accident. Which is common in all comic books.
Diandra: Yeah, fall in a vat of questionable chemicals and gain superpowers.

When Stephen realizes this, he sweeps the podium with the jacked up spell aside and menaces toward Peter like he's totally about to straight up murder the kid. He says Peter didn't think to try asking nicely before getting a sorcerer to "brainwash the entire world"? REALLY? Peter is like 'uh...no?' And we smash right to him getting the front door of the sanctum slammed in his face.

Emilio: Does this mean you won't come to my graduation party?
Diandra: That's it, I am DONE dealing with kids named Peter.
Chrissy: [slow clap]

Peter calls Flash to ask where that party he's at is so he can maybe talk to somebody there about getting MJ and Ned in at least. Flash says he's taking a big risk just talking to Peter right now, so...what sort of incentives can he offer? Peter shrugs and suggests Spiderman swinging him to school for a week. Flash agrees easily, but wants to negotiate until Peter agrees to tell everyone he's his best friend. And then the best he can do is give Peter the location of the Vice Chancellor lady who just left the party.

SpiderPeter swings to the freeway to intercept her and tries to use the facial recognition software in his suit to match scans of the vehicles against a picture Flash sent him of her and what happened to Karen? Does every version of his suit have a new AI voice attached to it? This suit is nano tech, just like Tony's last one, so he's able to make it disappear to reveal a regular suit underneath while he walks around the jammed cars to try to find her the old fashioned way. He finds the car she's in and launches into a plea about how MJ and Ned don't deserve to be punished because they agreed to help him even though helping him saved millions of lives and... His Spidey Sense now comes with an audible ominous ringing noise and it activates just then. He frowns and jumps on top of the car. People run past, away from something as yet unseen that is crushing cars along the bridge. Peter drops down into his superhero pose (which is even more dramatic than Nat's) and yells at everyone in the vicinity to get off the bridge. The Vice Chancellor tries to get out of the car, but...childproof locks are a bitch.

Even though everyone involved here tried to keep it a secret that Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield were going to be in this movie, the presence of their respective villains was known basically from the beginning. Especially Alfred Molina's Doc Ock. So it's no surprise when we see the robotic arms punching through the road from beneath to precede his dramatic entrance in the very scene that ended the first trailer for the movie. "Hello Peter," he growls. Peter waves in confusion like 'um...should I know you from somewhere?' Otto is just as bad at voices as I am, apparently, because he continues like he's talking to his Peter, demanding to know what he did with his machine. Peter's like 'uh...no, really, who are you?' Otto is like 'fine, BE that way you little shit' and uses his tentacles to fling a couple cars at him. Peter manages to web a family out of one of the cars and swing them up to relative safety. Presumably the other car was empty.

Otto sneers about Peter thinking this fancy new suit is going to save him and flings him into the Chancellor's car and then into a UPS truck. "I should have killed your little girlfriend when I had the chance." Peter spears his way out of the truck with the spider legs that were added to his suit a few movies back like 'oh, you did NOT just say that.'

Emilio: Even though it makes no sense since you've probably never met my girlfriend either, but YOU TAKE MY GIRLFRIEND'S NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!
Diandra: Oh, hello random reference.

A helicopter circles the bridge while the two multi-robotic-armed guys fight in a very CGI and explosion heavy sequence. Peter has to stop when the Vice Chancellor's car starts sailing right off the bridge, barely catching it with a web before it is smashed by a passing train below. Otto grabs him before he can get her out and slings him around comically while he swears that he has this under control, really.

Otto gets Peter pinned to the underside of the bridge and rips away part of the nanosuit. He recognizes the nanotech immediately and absorbs it through one of his robot arms like 'oh, how precious. Now I've got some shiny red metal in my robot arms. Cool.' He plunges a dagger end of one of the arms at Peter, which...doesn't do anything? Apparently? But the suit retracts from Peter's face while he's groaning in pain and Otto drags him closer and declares that he's not Peter Parker. One of his roboarms turns on him and Peter's suit announces that it has detected a new device and is connecting.

Chrissy: I love how Bluetooth actually works like it's supposed to in this universe. No 'what device? I don't know what you're talking about' problems ever.
Diandra: I mean...Hollywood is wildly optimistic about electronics capabilities in general. Just ask anyone who works with any video software and has seen the shit they do on "CSI".

Peter gets an arm free, tests his control of the roboarms a little and then uses one to grab the Vice Chancellor's car and set it and him back up on the bridge. He webs her door open and checks that she's okay. She shakily notes that Peter is actually one of the good guys in super suits and she will definitely be talking to admissions about the mistake they made rejecting him and his friends. She totters off so she can maybe still get to the airport although I think everyone would understand at this point if she missed her flight. Peter returns to Otto, who takes a couple wild swings at him. He reminds Otto that he's in charge of the tentacles now and starts to ask him questions when the Spidey Sense goes off again. The next Tobey era villain is preceded by little glowing green grenades that he never actually used before in those movies, but hey, they were in the comics so shut up. They create a big fireball of explosions and the Green Goblin emerges through the smoke on his glider, cackling like the complete lunatic he is. Because they are from the same franchise, Otto recognizes him and asks "Osborn?"

The Goblin dives toward Peter, but doesn't reach him before a portal whisks him back to the Sanctum's wet basement. He looks around warily and starts to call for Stephen when the lizard man from Andrew's first movie leaps at him and smashes into the force field that forms the front of his cell. Otto bangs on the force field of his own neighboring cell. Peter screams as Stephen appears suddenly and grabs his shoulder. Stephen is a bit roughed up and has blood on his face and is basically like 'so guess what bullshit I've been dealing with since you left here?!' "That little spell that you botched where you wanted everyone to forget that Peter Parker's Spiderman? It started pulling in everyone who knows Peter Parker's Spiderman from every universe into this one." Or...you know...the villains that we could and/or wanted to put in this movie anyway.

Otto stops banging on the invisible wall and asks who the HELL this guy is and also WHERE AM I? Stephen tells Peter not to talk to them because they really don't know very much about the multiverse since the movie that was supposed to introduce it was STILL FILMING when this one hit theaters, having been rewritten entirely twice and yeah this whole story is a fucking mess. Luckily, the audience won't notice because they'll be too busy blowing their wad over all the easter eggs. Peter says "wait, the multiverse is real?" I thought Mysterio was just making that shit up. Hell, HE thought he was just making that shit up. So which universe is this, since it can't be the one he said, right? Right? ............right?

Stephen starts muttering about how this shouldn't be possible and Peter notes that he stopped the spell, right? Stephen says he CONTAINED the spell, but obviously not before these guys got through. Which I suppose explains the limited number of cameos.

Chrissy: Uh-huh. Sure it does. [wanking gesture]

Stephen finally gets around to explaining how he figured this all out...sort of. He says he felt an "otherworldly presence" after Peter left and since we're not doing the talking ghost dog thing...yet...he followed it into the sewer where he found Lizard Guy. Otto is like 'can we go back to the part about a "spell"? Like...as in Harry Potter wizarding nonsense?' Sidenote: I just figured out why Benedict was talking about going to Hogwarts in the SNL monologue right now. Ha. Sorry. Anyway.

Chrissy: Seriously?
Diandra: I thought it was just a British joke not a "I'm actually magic" joke.

Stephen decides to do a demonstration, turning to the guy he just told Peter not to engage with and asking if he knows a Peter Parker who goes by the alias Spiderman. Otto says yes. Stephen points to Peter and asks if that's him. No, of course not. He'd be, like, fifty by now. Peter is maybe starting to catch on and tells Stephen he saw another one of these guys on the bridge. "He looked like a...flying green elf." Stephen is like cool, he can start with catching that one and bring all of them back to the torture dungeon while he figures out how to send them back to their universes "before they destroy the fabric of reality. Or worse, Wong finds out."

Chrissy: He's still sore from the last time he did something I explicitly told him he shouldn't. And I mean that literally.
Diandra: Would you stop telling people about that?
Chrissy: Stop telling people about that, what?
Diandra: ............sir...
Chrissy: Good boy.

Stephen starts walking away. For some reason. But Peter starts arguing that he did successfully convince MIT to take him and his friends back but if they see him fighting monsters on the 5 o clock news now... Stephen is like WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT COLLEGE ALREADY and tosses some sort of nano...thing at him. It slides across his chest and boomerangs back to Stephen, forming some sort of gauntlet around his wrist. He casts some runes onto it and fires a blast from it at Peter, teleporting him into an empty cell. Then he turns some ancient looking dial to open the cell again and throws the gauntlet at Peter, where it automatically forms around his arm.

Chrissy: We're not even being subtle about him replacing Tony in every way anymore. Seriously, I know I said it before but if you even THINK of hitting on Pepper, you're a dead man.
Diandra: They're finally getting around to introducing my wife from the comics and she's played by Charlize Theron. Trust me, Pepper is safe.
Emilio: Should I start calling you dad anyway?
Diandra: When did you ever call Tony dad?
Chrissy: That might not have been Peter, but I think Tom did it to Robert in just about every interview for "Homecoming". And then they keep sending Benedict with him...
Diandra: I figured that was just because Tom proved a liability when it came to spoilers, so they put him with the guy who had experience dodging those sort of questions for years. I found it kind of funny that when they came to this movie, Benedict was shooting "Multiverse of Madness" and couldn't be in 99% of the press lead up after all and Tom had to prove that he didn't need a human spoiler buffer. Except in the one where Benedict is sitting behind him while he's asked questions about Tobey and Andrew, staring at the back of his head like "snitches end up in ditches, kid." Sorry, what was the question?
Emilio: Uh...I think it was can I call you "dad"?
Diandra: Oh right. No.

Stephen says he can use that magic tech to send any bad guys he finds here. He starts to leave again and Peter calls "sir?" He sighs very loudly and asks "now what?" Peter says this is his mess and he promises to fix it, but he can't do it alone.

Cut to Stephen letting Ned and MJ into the sanctum. Because I guess Stephen doesn't have a source of competent supers who can help, so he'll just enlist a couple regular teenagers because they happen to be friends with Spiderman. Ned dorks out over the fact that he's actually in the Sanctum Sanctorum and babbles questions at Stephen related to the fact that his Nana says they have magic somewhere in their bloodline. He says sometimes he feels this tingling in his hands...Stephen says he should definitely talk to a medical professional about that and marches up the staircase away from all these kids as Peter joins them. Except he's not out of earshot yet, so when Ned asks how all these bad guys got here in the first place, he calls that they screwed up a spell to get them all into college. Ned and MJ splutter that he used MAGIC to do that and Peter says no, it didn't...um..."let's just focus on the good news." Stephen is like 'what good news? Y'all are just standing around while your multiversal villains run amok!' "Scooby Doo this shit," he orders. MJ snorts and fires back that it was HIS spell that messed everything up, right? So it's kind of...HIS mess they're being asked to clean up and he's not even asking nicely? The two boys kind of look back and forth between them like 'giiiiiiiirl, you are either crazy or have bigger brass ones than us.'

Chrissy: Meh. He's not scary. Even if that variant of Mary Jane obviously thought so since she flat out refused to come through the portal when she saw him.
Diandra: [slow clap] Yes, for those of you playing the home game, we have now managed to make two references to "The Power of the Dog".

Stephen shrugs, plasters a fake smile on his face and amends "please... Scooby Doo this shit." Stephen says they can work in the "undercroft", which Ned thinks sounds exciting...

...until it turns out it's obviously just a basement. Ned still gawpes at it like he's not standing between a water heater and a washer/dryer piled with dirty laundry (and the sweatshirt Stephen was wearing a scene ago hanging overhead). He declares it "badass" and the dryer bleats in direct contradiction. Though it does contain an odd assortment of shit because he goes to pick up a bow and arrow sitting beside a pile of board games and MJ goes to stand in front of a croquet set and a large animal trap while she assures Peter that it's cool he wanted to help, but maybe next time he should ask them to brainstorm some ideas before breaking the universe. Ned suddenly yelps that he's found a torture rack and runs over to it while MJ corrects that it's a Pilates machine.

Chrissy: Yeah, you're in the kid-friendly part of the basement. Although with a little creativity, you can use the Pilates machine for a different kind of exercise too if you know what I'm saying.
Diandra: Gee, no, that was too subtle. Why don't you spell it out?
Chrissy: [takes a breath]
Diandra: THAT WAS SARCASM.

The laundry/storage room has a partial wall that leads directly to the other part of the basement that we've already seen and now I'm picturing the lizard watching the human who just chased him through a sewer and trapped him in a magic cell casually wandering over and doing a load of laundry. MJ thinks this should be easy enough. Peter will catch the bad guys and Doctor Dickwad will send them back where they came from. The three kids stand at the opening to the other part of the basement and Otto demands to know who these new kids are now. Peter introduces them and realizes he doesn't know Otto's name. "Doctor Otto Octavius," Otto snarls and they all burst into laughter and Peter is like 'seriously dude, your real name, not your made up super-villain name.'

We montage over them setting up down there, pausing long enough to note that MJ has uncovered a box labeled "goatee template" at one point.

Chrissy: I don't know if that's more funny or sad.
Diandra: That's not technically mine. Tony left it to me in his will.

Peter decides to try getting those stubborn paint stains out HERE too like maybe Stephen has tougher detergents than Happy while he talks to Aunt May on the phone. He is interrupted by Ned announcing he has found a "disturbance near a military research facility". According to witnesses, there was a monster flying through the air.

Chrissy: How far outside of the city are we talking here? This isn't another "hick hopped up on moonshine mistakes a barn owl for an alien" is it?

Peter thinks that must be the same guy he saw on the bridge. The angry elf. Otto mutters from his cell that that isn't possible because Norman Osborn died years ago. But have fun fighting a ghost, kid.

Emilio: Unless it's HARRY Osborn.
Diandra: Much as that would make sense, we all know it's Willem Dafoe, so...
Chrissy: Yeah, James Franco was notably absent from the list of potential people from the other franchises to call.
Diandra: Well...they could have TRIED to get the guy from the Andrew Garfield movies, but that would probably have been too confusing. One villain from each movie. No duplicates. Even if that means we only get five and not the SINISTER SIX like the fanboys really want. Quick, throw another easter egg so they don't get mad about that!

Ned opens a refrigerator and stares in alarm at the various jars of alarming looking creatures, most of which look right at him, and a foil covered bowl with something moving in it.

Chrissy: They're for experiments, apparently. Or cases. We keep trying to explain to him that he isn't Sherlock Holmes. Don't know where he got that idea in his head.

Ned returns to his chair beside MJ at the laptop dejectedly. She is watching Peter's body cam feed. Peter lands in a clearing and the ground at the tree line sort of...ripples. Ned notes that it's really dark out there, so it will be pretty hard for them to see anything. Peter asks what "that" was and MJ asks what's going on. Is it the Peter Tingle thing? "Is your tingle tingling?"

Emilio: Well, not yet, but maybe if you describe what you're wearing...
Diandra: Ugh. Whose brilliant idea was it to change Spidey Sense into Peter Tingle anyway? Like that doesn't sound SO MUCH WORSE?

Whatever is going on, apparently it activates the MagicTech gauntlet, which lights up with runes. And then Electro appears, suspended by tendrils of electricity. Ned asks if that's that Osborn guy. Peter is like 'not unless he decided to change powers and also go from a green suit to blue skin since I last saw him'. He awkwardly calls "you wouldn't happen to be from another universe, would you?" MJ is like 'what are you doing? Just web him and ask questions later!' Peter fires the MagicTech cannon at Electro and it goes sailing through him and sends a tree back to the torture dungeon. Hans Zimmer's "I am Electro" theme blares and Electro starts firing electrical blasts at Peter. Peter swings and dodges several blasts before getting hit with one that shorts out the camera. But before Electro can finish him off, Sandman forms between them, absorbing the electricity. He awkwardly shoehorns his name in - Flint Marko - while asking if Peter remembers him.

Emilio: I mean, he was one of, like, three villains in a movie a lot of fans have tried to forget, so...
Diandra: I only remember two, but the other one was Topher Grace and apparently everyone hated him as Venom, so...
Emilio: So we're bringing in Tom Hardy's Venom instead.
Diandra: Ugh. No. I'm not watching those.
Chrissy: At least it will be less confusing for you. We don't need another "Diandra can't tell these people apart" shtick.
Diandra: Don't make me regret telling you about that.
Emilio: What's this now?
Chrissy: You know that episode of "Black Mirror" with Topher Grace?
Emilio: Yeah.
Diandra: I got all the way to the end credits before I figured out he wasn't Tobey Maguire.
Emilio: .........wow.
Chrissy: And she thought telling me this was somehow working in her defense like "look, it isn't just Rachel and Amy I can't tell apart!"
Emilio: Wow. Was "Spider-Man 3" really confusing for you then?
Diandra: Yes, it was. For more than the reasons everyone else complained about.

ANYWAY.

Peter says he's not HIS Peter and it's a long story that can wait until after they do something about Sparky over there.

Flint contains Electro in a sand tornado while Peter disables the power lines he's drawing electricity from, probably cutting power to a whole chunk of the state, but whatever. It works. Peter rips off his mask and Flint realizes what he meant by the not your Peter thing. This all somehow restores Electro to his normal not-blue body because everyone hated that CGI anyway. Peter tells Flint and Electro that they are in a different universe now. And presumably they already know they're not from the same universe either. Electro says that explains why the power feels different here and his eyes light up like 'hey, new effect nerds!' He asks if they're just going to pretend he isn't totally naked right now. "I am," Flint answers quickly. Peter spots an electrical lineman uniform storage area nearby and apparently gets one of them on Electro before sending him to the dungeon, where the lights flicker and Otto waves like 'welcome to the party, man.'

Back in the woods, Flint asks what Peter just did to that guy. Because it kind of looks like maybe he killed him. He starts getting mad and growing in size and before he can take a swing at Peter, Peter hits him with the MagicTech cannon and sends him to his own cell in the dungeon. And now that we have a couple representatives from each universe in the same room we're gonna play a little game of Exposition Dump. The Lizard laughs at the ridiculousness of all of this and Electro identifies him as Curt Connors (thank you, IMDb wasn't helpful there at all), a scientist at Oscorp who went loopy and tried to turn everyone into lizards. Curt argues that it was the next step in human evolution. Also, he calls Electro Max, which is another thing I forgot.

Chrissy: At this point it's more surprising when you actually remember things.
Diandra: [rude gesture]

Ned and MJ are just surprised to find out that the Lizard can talk because he hasn't said anything yet. Curt notes that the last time he saw Max was before his makeover when he had bad teeth, glasses and a comb over. Max is like 'yeah...uh...sometimes superpowers make you look like a mutant freak of nature and sometimes they make you swole. I don't make the rules.'

Flint is like CAN WE FOCUS HERE?

Emilio: No.
Diandra: No, we're clearly written by an overgrown ADHD child up in here.

He asks where they all are anyway. Ned says it's complicated. MJ says no, it isn't. They're in "a wizard's dungeon." Max is like 'a what now? Y'all have wizards here? Eh, whatever. Don't care. Give me some more of that sweet, sweet electricity.' The lights flicker again and MJ's phone rings. Peter asks if those guys are in the dungeon yet. MJ is like 'yeah, they're making introductions and chatting and WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE COMING BACK NOW.' Peter says he's going to have to clean this mess he made trying to catch them, so...

Morning. Norman is digging in a dumpster somewhere while his Green Goblin mask taunts him like 'why are you not trying to take over this universe already?' Interesting that he figured out the whole different universe thing on his own at some point. The evil alter ego sneers about how pathetic and weak Norman is through the mask that he never actually had in his movie until he smashes it with a rock and runs away.

Chrissy: Yeah, that was the other reason we went with Willem instead of James Franco. He's just a better actor.
Emilio: Anyone would be a better actor.
Diandra: Hey now. I saw "127 Days" and it convinced me that he - like Ben Affleck - gets an undeservedly bad rep. I mean...Oscar caliber he is not (which would probably put him way out of his depth in the MCU), but he's not BAD.
Chrissy: Yeah, I kind of gave up on the whole concept of "Oscar caliber" when they nominated Ryan Gosling, who was beaten by Ben Affleck's brother, who is of exactly the same acting caliber and I don't care what other people say.
Diandra: And somehow those were the front runners over Denzel Goddamn Washington. Yeah. Sometimes the Academy has questionable judgment and I'm just gonna chalk that up to 'Denzel already has two so we're gonna put him in the same boat with Meryl Streep.'
Emilio: What were we talking about?
Diandra: Oh, god, I don't remember. Okay, your job is to make sure we stay on track, Emilio.
Emilio: If you're counting on me to do that, we're doomed.

Peter has just finished webbing the electrical wires back into place (like yeah, that'll work) when Aunt May calls to tell him that one of the guys he's looking for just came into her office. So he reacts by racing to the shelter and barreling into the kitchen at breakneck speed like he's (understandably) expecting a hostage situation. But Norman is just sitting at the counter with her having coffee and donuts. He says he saw Spiderman in an ad for this center and thought maybe he could help, but now that he sees Peter without his mask...Oh, right. I forgot that he was one of the characters with split personalities. So while the Goblin apparently knows he's in another universe that he wants to wreak havoc on, Norman just wandered into the help center like a senile old man who thinks Spiderman can help him figure out why everything just changed overnight and someone else is living in his house and neither his kid or Oscorp exist anymore. Right. No wonder we set artificial limits on how many characters would come into this universe. Anyway, Norman is aware that his other persona is completely Mr. Hydeing his body, but he doesn't remember anything he does when he's that guy so he doesn't know how he got here.

May kind of soothes him a little and goes over to Peter to mutter - totally within earshot - that this guy is totally crazy and are they all like this? Peter says well, they all have somewhat different mental or physical "issues", but yeah, Marvel likes to keep building off the same template. May thinks she may have found the plot to this movie: getting these guys whatever help they need. Peter thinks they can be better helped in whatever universes they came from, so we're sticking with the plan to send them back. May asks if that's helping THEM or PETER.

Chrissy: Well...I mean...they might be breaking the spacetime continuum the longer they stay here, but I GUESS you could read it that way.

As all three of them are leaving the shelter, one of Jonah Jameson's informants spots them and calls in right away. Jonah snarls at the guy to not lose them and just walks away from his desk during a commercial break.

Sanctum of questionable decision making. Aunt May drops the guys off and tells Peter they both have faith in him. He just thanks her for finally getting his suit clean. He takes Norman into the dungeon and introduces him to Ned and MJ. Norman is like 'man, your Mary Jane looks TOTALLY different here' and MJ has to explain that MJ stands for Michelle Jones.

Emilio: Yep, totally different character. I don't know a Mary Jane. Or a Gwen Stacey.
Diandra: We don't know where the writers are getting this either, no.

Norman wanders over to the cells to talk to Otto, who he recognizes but never saw with the Octo arms bullshit. Otto reminds everybody that Norman Osborn died years ago in his timeline.

Chrissy: Is it possible that they AREN'T all from the same universe, but from ones close enough that they recognize variants of each other?
Diandra: ................why are you trying to make this more complicated?
Emilio: Well, that might explain why Norman has a mask, he and the lizard both look different than they did in their movies and Flint is stuck in Sandman form.
Diandra: Oh, god, we're fanwanking. Stop it!

Being the last of Tobey's villains, Flint steps in here to say yeah, they're BOTH dead because they died fighting their Spiderman. Specifically, Norman was impaled by his own Green Goblin glider and Otto drowned in the river. Otto says he had Spiderman pinned down after stopping him from destroying his fusion reactor when...uh...he ended up here? Max says he was beating Spiderman like a drum when he got trapped inside an electrical grid, absorbing energy and...uh..."oh shit. I was about to die." Stephen appears at the end of the room suddenly, sees Norman just wandering around in the open and transports him into a cell over Peter's objections. Peter then notices the McGuffin Stephen has brought with him and asks what it is. Stephen says it's a Deus Ex Machina...er...something something machina anyway. Close enough. He used it to contain the messed up spell and when he gets that straightened out it will reverse it and send everybody back to their universe. Which they are all realizing now means they return to imminent death. Which Peter is now feeling awkward about, but Stephen thinks it's destiny or whatever.

Emilio: And you suddenly care about not changing things to try to save people.
Diandra: Shut up, kid.

Specifically, Stephen argues - right in front of them - that the sacrifices of these guys mean more than their continued existence. And he's sorry about the harsh lesson, but...that's life for you. He starts going into a trance and the box shifts and glows and the villains all get nervous. And then Peter webs the container away from Stephen and hits him with the teleporting gauntlet. MJ and Ned cover Peter while he flees the sanctum because Stephen is able to walk right through the containment field on Sandman's cell that he is transported to. Flint tries to follow him and smacks headfirst into the invisible wall to confirm that it's still there. "This is why I never had kids," Stephen growls.

Emilio: Whatever. You know you love me.
Diandra: Do I? Are you sure about that?
Chrissy: I love that we're proving this many movies in that we absolutely chose the correct roles for ourselves.
Diandra: Why do I feel like that isn't a compliment?

Outside, Peter tries to swing away on a web, but a portal just shoots him right back. Stephen glares at him from the front steps and orders him to hand over the box. Peter tries to use the gauntlet again, but Stephen has rendered it inactive somehow and just magics it away. Peter tries to web away again and Stephen forms portals on either side of him so he ends up webbing his own ankle, then yanks him down to do the punching the astral form out of the physical body move on him. "Oh my god, I'm dead," Peter yelps as he looks down at his astral form. Stephen pauses to tell him he's not, then tries to grab the box. Peter - despite moving in slow speed - is able to play keep away with the box, which confuses both of them. Peter swims back into his body and says that was fun, but don't do it again. He webs away again. This time Stephen just throws the cloak after him, which catches him and holds him in place for a while.

Emilio: When I asked if you would let me wear it, this is NOT what I had in mind.

Stephen catches up and forms a wall of mirror dimension, which the cloak throws Peter into. Peter runs along buildings and roads that Stephen twists into MC Echer drawings. And then a train runs through it because why not? This is basically "Inception" on steroids. Peter briefly drops the cube, but webs it back before Stephen can actually pick it up and drops into his superhero pose on top of the train. He asks what the FUCK this insanity is. Stephen says it's the mirror dimension "where I am in control."

Chrissy: SNORT. Oh, honey. You keep telling yourself that. We all know better.
Diandra: Clearly I don't remember what happened the last time I tried this. And we're hoping that was enough movies back that the audience doesn't either.

Stephen waves a bit and chunks of cities and landscapes group randomly both below and over their heads. Peter asks if they can just take a minute and discuss this. Stephen yells that there are an INFINITE number of people in the multiverse who know Peter Parker is Spiderman, despite the limited number they've seen so far and if the contained spell stops being contained they will all just start coming through. Peter says yeah, he's not arguing that point, he just thinks there might be a better solution than sending the ones he's bonding with home to die. Stephen argues that they can't do anything about that because they can't change people. Peter is like 'but what if we CAN?'

Emilio: Also, weren't you all about fixing things before? You WERE a doctor.
Chrissy: Not to mention a stubborn asshole who was constantly breaking things because he refused to accept any limitations.
Diandra: Yes, if we could all just ignore the inconsistencies and stop theorizing that I'm really Mephisto or something just because this whole plot had to be rewritten two or three times...
Emilio: People were expecting Mephisto because that's what happened in that comic.
Diandra: After Doctor Strange told him he couldn't undo Aunt May's death. Although actually...yeah, this is pretty consistent because Peter nearly kills himself by trying to perform the spell HIMSELF after Stephen tells him he can't because "hey, I know Latin too."

Stephen forms the perpetual falling portals he used on Loki and sends the cloak to wrestle the box away from Peter. At some point, both Stephen and Peter are playing tug of war with webs and light whips that kind of shatters the mirror dimension.

Chrissy: How are you doing with the descriptions over there? Is this helping prepare you for "Multiverse of Madness"?
Diandra: I think we both know that nothing is going to prepare me for that insanity.

As they're chasing after the free falling box, Peter pauses to note that the chunks of skyscrapers merged with southwestern rock formations seem to be floating in an "archimedean spiral". He realizes the mirror dimension is based on geometry, which is one of his best subjects, so he starts webbing things while muttering mathematical equations until it totally surrounds Stephen just before he can disappear through a portal back to the sanctum with the box. Peter cockily notes that math beats magic, which sounds like a really dumb early draft of a line that somehow made it all the way to the finished product. He takes the box and Stephen's sling ring and jumps through the portal, apologizing that he has to TRY at least while the portal closes.

Ned and MJ race up to ask what happened and Peter says he just won in a fight with Doctor Strange and he stole his ring thingy.

Chrissy: Well, he did tell them to Scooby Doo this shit, so he can't be too surprised.
Diandra: Was that a Scooby Doo thing? It felt more like an educational video or after school special demonstrating "real world" math applications. See kids? You too can defeat a powerful sorcerer using just the Power of Math!
Emilio: Well, it also helps if he's not as powerful as he thinks he is.
Diandra: Yeah, keep mocking me, kid. There's no way that will blow up in your face.

MJ asks where he is, exactly. Peter says he's trapped in that insane dimension he thought he was in control of for who knows how long. Otto pipes up that he could have just LET them die instead of picking a fight with a wizard there. MJ says that's not who Peter IS.

Peter addresses all the bad guys as he argues that he might be able to "fix" them so that when they go back to their own realities they might not die. Uh. Not sure that's how that works, but okay. Apparently this is based on the realization that this universe's special effects...sorry, I mean technology...is more advanced than theirs. Norman offers to help because "I'm something of a scientist myself." Because we WILL find a way to wedge call backs in at every opportunity here. Otto says he will not be fixed "like a dog." Peter says he can't promise it would change anything, but they would have a second chance. Maybe. Curt notes that "fixing" people generally leads to unexpected, bad outcomes in their worlds.

Emilio: That's because your definition of "fixing" involves mutating DNA to cure disease.
Diandra: Yeah, that's how we got "Planet of the Apes" and "I Am Legend" among MANY others, I'm sure.
Chrissy: Yeah, the dangers of screwing with nature have been a staple of science fiction since "Frankenstein".

Peter says they don't have to go along with his idea, but the alternative is "dealing with the wizard." They all reluctantly admit that not going back to die would be preferable, so...

Peter is like 'okay, so we're all in agreement and I totally know what I'm doing here and am not just flying by the seat of my pants. Cool.' He turns to huddle with Ned and MJ while they try to figure out what to do with the doomsday button box. Peter suggests MJ take it and he can text her when they're ready for the button to be pushed. MJ objects to leaving him. Ned agrees that they're all in it together. Peter argues that he can't do anything if he is worried about them being in danger, so it really would be better if they could just babysit the button. MJ sighs and agrees, but tells all the collected baddies that she WILL push the button if anything happens to Peter. She and Ned leave with the McGuffin and Peter turns to the others like 'ooooookay. Here goes nothing.'

So he and May take them all back to Happy's condo. Except Curt stays in the van because we can only do that CGI rendering for so long, apparently. Max turns on the TV by waving at it. Flint gets his dust all over the couch. Otto, being held captive by his reprogrammed octoarms sneers that Peter is just going to cook up some cures alongside a frozen burrito in the microwave of a condo or something. Norman is like 'do you have burritos? I'm kind of hungry suddenly.' Peter goes into the laundry room and Max follows, saying he can feel that "weird energy" emanating from whatever is back there. Norman follows too and prompts Peter to explain what that Stark Industries thing under the sheet is. Peter calls it a "fabricator".

Chrissy: It makes stuff.
Diandra: Then we need another one to go ding when it detects stuff. Sorry, random "Doctor Who" reference.
Emilio: [high fives Diandra]

Basically it's a magic gadget that can replicate or create anything the plot requires it to. So a literal plot device, I guess. Max's eyes light up when the arc reactor powering it comes into view and the whole thing knocks a hole in the wall that wrecks the microwave on the other side. Otto flinches at the sight of this and mutters that the kid is going to get them all killed.

Flash ahead to Norman and Peter working out how the chip controlling Otto's tentacles works via holographic display. Peter realizes what I think we knew from "Spiderman 2", which is that the chip was shorted out and now the tentacles control Otto instead of the other way around as intended. Out in the main part of the condo, May is tentatively offering Otto some water. Max is looking out the window and drooling over the potential of this new world where he isn't a blue skinned wierdo. He asks why Flint is going along with this whole thing and Flint exposits about the daughter he'd like to see again. Then he asks how Max got his powers because we have to at least try a LITTLE to catch up the members of the audience who haven't seen every Spiderman movie made in the last two decades before coming to this. Max says the place where he worked was experimenting with electrical alternatives and long story short: he fell in a vat of electric eels. Flint is like 'huh...and I fell into a supercollider.'

Chrissy: Weird how similar your experiences are. Almost like you were written by the same comic book writers recycling ideas.
Emilio: Wait'll Norman finds out that the lizard got that way trying to find a cure for HIM in the Garfield universe.
Diandra: I know what you meant, but for a second there, I was wondering when Marvel did a crossover with the comics about an orange, lasagna eating cat.
Emilio: Sometime in the 90s, probably.

Norman watches Peter construct a new chip for Otto, drooling. He says when this is all over he'd like to hire Peter. Assuming, you know, that he'd be willing to transfer to another universe. The chip finishes and powers up and Peter runs out to install it in Otto, which for some reason he needs to do while using the Octoarms to suspend him near the stair landing. Otto struggles and hisses a threat that is cut off when the new chip clamps on to his neck and his system powers down. Peter calls his name worriedly and after a couple seconds Otto springs back to life practically sobbing at the realization that the evil voices whispering in his head have stopped. Peter transfers the nanites back to his suit and gives control of the arms back to Otto. Otto says he's grateful to the "dear boy" and offers to help with whatever they need to do next.

On the freeway somewhere, Happy calls Peter's voicemail and says yeah, um...who are those guys I'm seeing you let into my place on my doorbell camera's feed? It looked like one was a cyborg and another was made of mud. "What's going on? Call me back."

Otto and Norman get to work on Norman's "cure" to exorcise his evil alter ego and Peter sits at the kitchen table with Max. He attaches an arc reactor to Max's chest and explains that when the lights on it all turn green it means his electricity has been "discharged". Er...like...all the electricity NOT needed to power his brain and heart. He kind of sputters to a stop and says he doesn't know why he's explaining electricity to an electrical engineer whose superpower is being able to control electricity, but...whatever. Max asks if the Legos scattered on the table belong to Peter like he's trying to gauge just how much younger this version of Peter is than his. Peter runs off to check on something else and Max starts muttering that he doesn't like where this is headed. Flint tells him to go with it because the sooner Peter fixes them all the sooner they can go home.

Outside, the lizard overhears Jameson arrive and chew out his spy for not getting any footage of Spiderman yet.

Inside, Peter's Spidey Sense (please don't make me refer to it as a Peter Tingle anymore) goes off. He goes out to the main room where he is surrounded by all the guys not relegated to the van. They all ask what's wrong, except Norman. Peter webs Norman's hand to Dum-E's control arm and Norman is like 'so, you figured out that the other guy took over sometime in the past few minutes, huh?' He smarms that Peter didn't really think he wasn't going to get pushback trying to eliminate Norman's alter ego, did he? Aunt May slips into the room with the replicator and puts whatever cure they were working on in a bag while Goblin Norman rambles about how SHE talked Peter into this stupid plan. "We don't need you to save us. We don't need to be fixed. These are not curses. They're gifts." He likens all the superpowered beings to gods. Peter tells May to run. Max rips the arc reactor off his chest before it can finish and summons the one powering the replicator from the other room with a bolt of electricity. Or something. Flint turns to sand and blows off. Goblin Norman starts fighting Peter. Otto tries feebly to object to all of this and Max just blasts him out the window. He catches himself before he hits the ground and starts climbing the next building while Jameson directs his guy to film because "that's the guy from the bridge!"

Flint spills out of the Otto shaped hole in the condo, forming some sort of sandstorm that may or may not be containing Max's electricity. Curt breaks out of the van and runs past a startled Jameson.

Inside, Peter and Norman are fighting and May is running down the stairs because Max shorted out the elevators. After they smash through a couple floors, Peter jumps out a window and starts climbing back up the side of the building, much to Jameson's delight as the camera is pointed right at him. Curt rappels down the side of the building and tosses him back in, where Norman smashes him all the way down to the lobby just as Aunt May arrives. He strangles Peter while cackling that his real weakness is "morality". Aunt May knocks him off by stabbing him with the antidote injector thing. Norman rips it out and sneers that it didn't work because his "sickness" came from them and he didn't need fixing. Which...huh? He lifts Peter up by the hair and May goes into angry momma fighting stance. Peter begs her to just run, but she doesn't and the green goblin flyer appears outside the window. It smashes through, knocking her down. Norman, in full Goblin mode now, hops on it, cackles that "no good deed goes unpunished", launches one of his grenades and flies off. Peter deflects the explosion, but Norman also bombs all the cop cars outside to cover his escape.

May and Peter both stagger upright. May insists she's okay despite being very unsteady. Peter thinks he may have broken ribs. He thinks he probably made a mistake going against Stephen's plan to send them all back. She insists he did the right thing because he saved them from certain death. And because we're deliberately setting up the most well known line of dialogue in Spidercanon, he says they aren't his responsibility. She obliges: "you have a gift. You have power. And with great power there must ALSO COME GREAT RESPONSIBILITY." Take that, Uncle Ben.

Chrissy: Was there actually an Uncle Ben in this universe? I feel like we're all just assuming they skipped it so we wouldn't have to do it again, but...
Diandra: But this whole scene looks like a composite of Uncle Ben's and Gwen Stacy's deaths in the comics, yeah. I don't know anymore.

They start to make their way out of the rubble and she slurs that she needs to catch her breath and collapses. He says everything is fine and they'll get her to a doctor and then he reaches under her and gapes as his hand comes away bloody. She asks if he's okay like she doesn't register what's happening. He starts panicking and yells for the officers inching into the building to get an ambulance. He tries to reassure her again, but now he's crying. She goes still and stops breathing and he really loses it. Happy arrives just then, providing a distraction so Peter can run, which he doesn't do until the officers start actually shooting at him.

The next broadcast from Jameson smarms about how Spiderman brings death and destruction everywhere he goes and he is a MENACE.

Chrissy: I mean...so does literally every other Avenger, but sure.
Diandra: Yeah, I'm not even going to pretend to follow the changing thresholds of tolerance for superhero destruction in this universe anymore.

He adds this line to really twist the knife as we focus on Peter watching this broadcast in the rain: "everything Spiderman touches comes to ruin! And we, the innocents, are left to pick up the pieces."

Emilio: Ouch.

At Ned's house, Nana brings Ned and MJ snacks while they wait for a call from Peter and watch the news footage. MJ threatens to press the button on the MacGuffin box. Ned awkwardly pushes the plot forward by gesturing wildly while wearing Stephen's sling ring and saying "I wish we could see him." Sparks appear in the middle of the room. MJ stares at the spot where the portal almost formed and orders him to do that again. He does and a small portal forms for a second. He stands up, mimics Stephen's motions to open a portal and says "I wish we could see Peter!" A portal opens to a dark alley and Spider-Man waves at them, startled. Nana comes around the corner and Ned assures her it's okay, but she was right about him being magic, apparently.

And here's where this will definitely get confusing, but if I can't do it now, I definitely won't be able to do it in the next movie. So buckle up. Here goes nothing.

Ned and MJ call Peter's name and Spider-Man jumps through the portal into the living room. Nana screams and throws things at him and he tries to reassure her that he's really a nice guy, but she runs away because we don't really know what to do with her here. He rips off his mask, confirming what his voice probably already told anyone who recognized it: that he is Andrew Garfield. He slowly explains that he is Peter Parker/Spiderman, just...not THEIR Peter Parker/Spiderman, obviously. He's from another universe and somehow found himself in this one yesterday. He babbles about string theory and matter displacement and multiverse and he KNEW it was all real.

Ned loudly tells MJ that he must be here because of the spell too. Andrew Peter says wait, MAGIC is real in this universe?! Ned babbles awkwardly for a bit and MJ deflects by demanding that Andrew Peter prove that he's Peter Parker. Andrew Peter says he doesn't carry ID on account of being an anonymous superhero and his suit not having pockets. She throws a roll at him and it bounces off his chest. He asks what that was about. She says she was testing for the "tingle thing". Andrew Peter doesn't even blink at this weird way of referring to Spidey Sense and just says he has it, it's just not that easily triggered. She picks up another roll and he acknowledges that she is a "deeply mistrusting person" and proves his identity by jumping and sticking to the ceiling. This isn't quite enough, so she tells him to crawl around up there. He argues and she throws the roll at him. Nana has apparently adapted to the weirdness and asks Ned in Tagalog if his new friend can get that cobweb in the corner. Andrew Peter sighs and crawls across the ceiling to get it before jumping down like 'are you happy now?'

The portal finally closes as Ned turns to MJ and spells out that he opened it to the wrong Peter Parker. She's like 'no shit. Try again and see if we get the right one this time.' Ned repeats the motions while chanting "find Peter Parker". A portal opens behind him and, unsurprisingly at this point, Tobey Maguire steps through it. He is not dressed like Spider-Man at the moment, so Ned grumbles that he just got some rando this time. The portal closes immediately this time before Tobey Peter can escape back through. MJ, quicker on the draw than Ned obviously, asks if he's Peter Parker then. He says yes and waves at Nana, who is smiling at him in a strangely suggestive manner.

Emilio: Go grandma! Although it's kind of disturbing to think that this version of me is old enough to have little old ladies creaming over me.
Diandra: Ugh, did you have to describe it like that?
Emilio: What?

And then Tobey Peter notices Andrew Peter, who he knows isn't the Peter from this universe because THAT Peter's face has been plastered everywhere. They stare at each other for a moment before shooting webs at each other and doing acrobatics to dodge said webs. They stop when Tobey Peter successfully webs Andrew Peter's wrist, covering his web canon tech. Ned asks Tobey why he didn't just tell them he's Spider-Man. Tobey laughs that he doesn't exactly advertise his secret superhero identity. Andrew is like 'right? What is the DEAL with this universe?' Nana goes on a whole rant in Tagalog that Ned translates as asking if the two Peters could clean up the mess they just made trying to web each other.

Chrissy: And also maybe stop trying to "web" each other. This is supposed to be the kid friendly wing of the MCU and we can only have so much of that before it prompts some very awkward questions.
Diandra: Ugh. Must you?
Chrissy: They're shooting white sticky goo at each other. Yes, I must.

The closed captioner decides to assign numbers to the Peters right off the bat, so I suppose from here on out I can refer to Tobey as Peter 2 and Andrew as Peter 3.

Emilio: They would be one and two, but this is Tom Holland's universe, so he gets to be number one.
Diandra: Because of the order of release or seniority?
Emilio: Yes, and also because he's the only one with an American accent.
Diandra: Nice reference there. Random, but nice.
Emilio: I needed to mention SOMEWHERE that only one of these guys is American.

Peter 2 says he's actually been trying to find Ned and MJ's Peter since he got here because he can sense he needs his help. Peter 3 corrects that he needs BOTH of their help. MJ and Ned are like 'yeah, he definitely needs help, but we don't know where he is, which is why we were fucking around with portals.'

Chrissy: We could keep doing the portal thing, but honestly we're afraid we might find ANOTHER variant at this point. Three Peter Parkers is enough.
Diandra: I mean...we COULD bring in Chris Pine Peter Parker from "Into the SpiderVerse", but three Chrises is also enough.
Emilio: And that would be awkward since it's animated.
Diandra: And yet supposedly also the 616 universe. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Peter 2 prompts them to think of a place Peter might go that would have a special meaning to him. Preferably one that was already mentioned in this movie if not literally anywhere else. He says his special hideaway was the top of the Chrysler building. Peter 3 says his was the Empire State building. Which has a better view. MJ realizes there is one top of a building they have been on recently.

So Ned and MJ find Peter on the roof of the school, still in his costume and bloodied and crying. They hug him and let him cry a bit more. Until Peter's Spidey Sense triggers and MJ is like 'yeah, there's some guys you need to meet.' The other Peter's are crouched on the building's tower, waiting for their cue. They start to jump down and Peter freaks out so they stop on the lowest ledge. Peter 2 expresses sympathy for the Aunt May thing.

Emilio: My Aunt May died recently too. Of course, she was, like, 90.
Emilio: Mine is still alive, but she's in her 70s.
Diandra: Yeah, I know people were joking about how Aunt May keeps getting younger and hotter, but...like...this version of Peter is still stuck in high school while the others had the majority of their arc while they were in college AS IT IS IN THE COMICS, so...that's really one of the least wonky parts of this canon.

Peter 3 starts to express understanding for his loss, but Peter cuts him off on account of not being interested in bringing up what happened in that movie. I guess. He says it's HIS fault she's dead and she died for "nothing". He reaches for the MacGuffin box MJ brought with her, saying they don't belong here, so he's going to send them all home like he should have a long time ago. They can deal with their respective bad guys however they need to and leave him out of it because he doesn't care anymore.

MJ kind of pulls the box away from him...maybe. It's not really clear what stops him, actually, before Peter 2 pipes up that he felt the same way Peter did when his Uncle Ben died. Peter 3 is like 'yeah, ditto, but since I have one death that's unique among the three of us, let me talk about my girlfriend Gwen, who died in my arms because I couldn't save her from MY Green Goblin.' He's tried to carry on with the Spider Man thing since she died because "that's what she would've wanted" but he has "stopped pulling my punches." And now he's a bitter husk of what he once was and he wants to stop Peter from going down that road and ending up like him. Peter 2 is like 'and that brings it back to me because I tried to get revenge on the guy who killed Uncle Ben and it turns out vengeance doesn't solve anything.' Peter sniffles that he DOES want to kill Norman violently, but he can hear May telling him they did the right thing even as she was dying. "She told me that with great power..." Peter 2's eyes light up and he finishes the line.

Emilio: Yeah, we all know the catchphrase, kid.

Peters 2 and 3 say they heard it from their Uncles Ben when he died and maybe that's a sign that it wasn't for nothing. Er...sure.

So they all schlep down into the science lab with the broken equipment Peter rescued from the condo for curing some of the bad guys. He thinks he can fix the ones for Max and Flint, but he's not sure about the others. Peter 3 thinks he can cure Curt because he did it once before. He puts on a lab coat and goes to a separate station. Peter 2 suggests he can do one for Otto, which Peter doesn't point out he...already did? Dude, you get Norman. They all get to work while MJ gawpes at the surreal image of three Peter Parkers all bustling around a lab.

Because we didn't have nearly enough in jokes, easter eggs and callbacks yet, Ned sidles up to Peter 2 and asks if he has a Ned in his universe.

Emilio: Yes, I had a best friend right up until he tried to kill me and I had to kill him first, but his name wasn't Ned so I'm sure that won't happen to you. [cough hobgoblin cough]

Ned looks at Peter 3 like '...uh...not sure I want to ask.'

Emilio: Yep, same guy. Although I don't think I got to kill him yet since I was too distracted by him killing my girlfriend.

Ned shuffles over to his Peter, who asks him to run a diagnostic on the computer and he kind of skittishly taps a couple keys and runs away like 'don't kill me! I can't help how annoying I am!' MJ takes his place and Peter starts to apologize for ruining her life again and she shushes him and promises they will get through this shitshow together.

Peter 3 is watching the two of them sort of mournfully and there's a continuity error in what he's doing and which way his facing when Peter 2 catches him and asks if he has a significant other of his own. Peter 3 bullshits that he doesn't have time for relationships with all the Spider-Maning. He asks if Peter 2 does and Peter 2 says it's "complicated" but Peter 3 shouldn't "give up" because he and Mary Jane made it work eventually.

Emilio: You were SO CLOSE to finding your Mary Jane.
Diandra: Like, 'they actually filmed it and then cut it for time' close.

Ned suddenly shouts "Peter" excitedly and all three Peters respond. They do a variation of the meme where they're all pointing at each other in confusion while Ned tries to figure out how to make it clear WHICH Peter Parker he wants. He points to the computer that has just finished that diagnostic and Peter 1 goes to check. The other Peters say they're ready with whatever they've been working on and now they just need a plan to lure all the bad guys to one place. "Try to cure them while they try to kill us and then send them home," Peter 3 finishes. "Using a magic box," Peter 2 adds like 'what the fuck even is this insanity?' Peter says yep, that's the plan. Peter 3 asks if Peter 2 brought his suit or just plans to go into battle dressed like "a cool youth pastor". Peter 2 tugs his shirt collar down to show the suit underneath his normal clothes.

Ned hands Peter his web cartridges, prompting a discussion of the part of the original trilogy everyone was most weirded out by. Peter 2 has no idea why the other Peters need tech to shoot webs. He shoots his organic web at a nearby stool and they all yelp and recoil from him like 'that's gross, man!'

Emilio: Yeah, tell that to the director.
Diandra: He should be with Doctor Strange already. Have fun with that! I'm sure it won't be at all weird!

Peter 1 moves on while Peter 3 is still distracted by the webs under the skin thing, saying they'll use the box to draw them all to this isolated place the audience can't see yet. The only thing he doesn't know is how they're going to get there. Ned is like 'oh, right, I can do that because I'm totally magic and can make portals just like Doctor Strange!' Peter is still processing this new information while Ned adds a vow to not turn into a supervillain and try to kill Peter. Peter 3 slaps him on the back and winks at him. Peter frowns at them like '.......what the fuck?'

We go right to the big battle. Sort of. Jameson announces in voice over that they have received a call from Spider-Man "fresh from his rampage in Queens." With that bias in mind, he asks this tongue twister to be cute: "So, Peter Parker, what pernicious propaganda are you peddling?"

Chrissy: That feels like a call out to Michael Giacchino, who definitely named one of the songs on the soundtrack something like that.
Diandra: "Peter Parker Picked a Perilously Precarious Profession". Yes.
Chrissy: [groan] Of course it would actually be worse.

In a video being broadcast everywhere, Peter admits that all this horrible shit is his fault, but it was an accident. And if any of those people he totally didn't mean to bring into this universe are watching...he waves the MacGuffin box pointedly and says he TRIED to help them. Because Aunt May taught him "everyone deserves a second chance." He turns so the camera catches the Statue of Liberty's face behind him and we pan out to show the scaffolding he's standing on wrapped around it, I guess because they're still changing her torch to a Captain America shield. He asks the world to wish him luck with this while Jameson splutters about how much damage he's going to inflict on a national landmark.

While the Spiders Men are waiting for the bad guys to arrive, having finished positioning their "cures" all over the scaffolding, they decide they have time for a few more references to really put the fanboys over the top. Peter 2 starts moaning about his back. This is partly because Tobey Maguire is 50, but also it's an obscure reference to the injury that almost got him replaced by Jake Gyllenhaal for "Spider-Man 2". Peter 3 says oh, yeah, he's starting to get that too and offers to do an impromptu chiropractor adjustment, which Peter 2 accepts. Peter 3 starts giggling about how he always wanted brothers and that's kind of what he's getting here, right? Clones are kind of the same thing? Can we circle back to the fact that your web fluid COMES OUT OF YOUR ACTUAL BODY BECAUSE I REALLY CAN'T GET OVER THIS.

Emilio: Hey, we all shoot sticky white stuff. It's actually less gross when it comes out of your wrists.
Chrissy: Is it? Are you sure about that?

The other Peters are fascinated by this difference and want to know how it works. Peter 2 doesn't know, it just sort of...comes as naturally as breathing somehow. Peter asks if it comes from anywhere other than his wrists. Peter 2 is like 'I'm just going to cut you off before you make any suggestions of just where else it might come from. No.' Peter 3 rambles about running out of webs because he has to make them in a lab and Peter 2 is like 'oh, I've actually run out of webs before because the plot required it.' Er..."existential crisis stuff". Peter is like 'enough of that, let's compare notes like fucking nerds.' He asks about the craziest villains they've ever fought. Peter 2 is like 'besides the ones you've met already?' He cites Venom: "an alien made out of black goo." Peter says he fought an alien too: a big purple one, both on Earth and in space. Peter 3 whines that he hasn't fought an alien yet. Peter 2 is like 'did you just say in space, kid?' Peter 3 grumbles that the most exotic bad guy he had was a Russian in a rhinoceros machine and he is so lame. Peter 2 focuses on the "lame" thing and gushes that Peter 3 is "amazing" like the writers were handing out points to whoever could work in the most easter eggs here.

This nerdgasm of dialogue is finally cut off by their Spidey Senses all going off. Bursts of lightning precede Electro arriving first, suspended midair in a net of bolts. He orders Peter to hand over the box so he can destroy it. If he cooperates, Electro won't kill him. Peter pulls on his mask and runs off the statue's crown. The other two pull on their masks and run in opposite directions. And here's where it's going to start being difficult to tell them apart.

Chrissy: It wouldn't be if you could recognize voices.
Diandra: Shut up.

Spidey 3 calls to Max that he missed him (context clues, thank you, that will help) and webs away before Max can hit him with a bolt. Spidey 1 tosses the box through a portal at the end of a walkway to MJ, still back at the lab with Ned. She catches it and Ned tries to close the portal, grunting in distress as it stays stubbornly open.

Lizard boy swims up out of the bay onto the pedestal and roars. Spidey 3 is still trying to talk to Max, insisting that he's just trying to HELP him. Max snarls that he can save himself now and blasts him off the statue. Spidey 3 catches himself with a web and yelps at the others for assistance. Spidey 2 is like 'I'm too busy dealing with your other guy here trying to climb me like a tree.' Spidey's 3 and 2 call to Peter to toss them the Electro and Lizard cures respectively. Peter gets all of two steps before Sandman shows up and catches him in an enormous fist. Since Flint is one of the guys who was actually pretty sympathetic, Peter tries to convince him to help. But Flint has decided to have a change of personality, so.

They all fight for a while until they are able to shake their bad guys for a bit. Flint forms a giant sandstorm around the entire statue and scaffolding while they regroup. Peter 3 snaps that he keeps yelling for "Peter 2" and Peter 2 is NOT RESPONDING. Peter 2 is like 'wait, when did we decide on those numbers?' "YOU'RE Peter 2!" Peter 3 looks confused. Peter is like 'this is my universe, so I'm going to decide who is which Peter. Also, I'm the only one with experience fighting as part of a team because Avengers.' The other Peters are like 'is that a band?' Peter 2 yells at him to focus. Peter says they need to coordinate. Peter 2 agrees that they each need to pick ONE target and neutralize them all one at a time. Peter 3 takes a moment to gush that he loves them both so much.

Emilio: And I don't even care if that makes me narcissistic.
Chrissy: Hey, as long as you don't pretend to be one of their girlfriends and make out with them like SOMEBODY I WON'T NAME NAMES, we're cool.
Diandra: Technically that wasn't canon.
Chrissy: Oh, it was canon SOMEWHERE, Stephen.
Diandra: Sorry, didn't you just full on make out with your variant, causing people who had never even heard of fanfiction to discover the concept of selfcest?
Chrissy: Oh, right. I forgot that probably comes with the territory of being an interdimensional communal bicycle.

Uh...spoilers for the next movie, I guess?

They all pull on masks and leap off the scaffolding, swinging around in tandem and webbing off each other and landing on the crown in three different poses, only one of which is that hyper stylized three point bullshit so I can at least be absolutely certain which of them is Tom.

Emilio: Tobey's costume has more white webbing, Andrew's has more blue and Tom's has a lot of gold.
Diandra: Got it. Thanks.

Flint, Curt and Max all line up to face them and they leap in slow motion toward whichever one they are directly facing. SpideyTom announces that they will start with Sandman. TobeySpidey (I think) says he'll lead him into the statue and AndrewSpidey says he'll meet them there. But Curt tackles him before he can get too far, so he tosses the cure vial at SpideyTom swinging past. Max attacks SpideyTom and he drops it on the scaffolding. Peter 2 successfully reaches the crown with Sandman on his tail and yelps for somebody to pass him the cure before he is consumed by sand.

Peter 3 webs Curt to the scaffolding so he can deal with him later and runs to recover the vial. He slings up to the crown, tosses the vial at Peter 1, who activates it and tosses it in to Peter 2. Light blasts from inside the crown and the sand recedes until Thomas Hayden Church is left blinking at his refleshed hands.

Chrissy: So we've just completely forgotten that he wasn't permanently stuck in Sandman form in his movie then?
Emilio: [shrugs] Apparently.

Because he can't be ignored, Electro is next. Peter 3 says he's never seen Max this powerful and he's not sure how they're going to do this. Peter thinks that's probably because he's somehow incorporated the arc reactor he put on him to drain his power. He tries to web it away and Max is like 'the fuck you will.' He blasts at the Spideys all perched on the statue's crown and they scatter, along with a lot of blasted scaffolding. Peter directs the other Peters to hold Max from either side with webs. Peter tries to jump at him from the front and gets blasted back by the reactor. The other two Peter's lunge at him in turn and get blasted back too. He spends some extra time electrocuting Peter 3 just because before one of the other Peter's distracts Max and he drops onto the scaffolding somewhere.

The lizard breaks free of the webbing and runs right through the portal Ned still can't get closed. Peter follows and barely holds off Curt while the other kids run through the portal to the statue, which is...not exactly the safest direction, but okay. Curt gives chase, shaking Peter.

And then we go back to Max, who still has Peter 3 suspended mid-air because I guess the continuity guy took a lunch break or something.

Chrissy: It's okay, no one will notice!

Peter 3 drops...I guess the device they need to use on Max. Peter 2 webs it and tries to swing over, but is caught by an Octoarm. Another tentacle grabs Peter 3 and Otto hovers behind Max, smarming that he can take these two from here. Lest we think he's had a sudden change of heart like Flint did since a few scenes ago, Otto waits a couple beats and then uses a third tentacle on Max. He drops the Spidermen and uses the fourth tentacle to attach the "cure" to a dazed Max.

And the lizard is still chasing Peter's friends around on the scaffolding. Ned frantically opens a portal into the ocean somewhere and water knocks Curt back. MJ grabs the canister containing Curt's cure, which she somehow knows exactly where to find, and tosses it to Peter, who shoves it in the attacking lizard's mouth. It breaks, green smoke goes everywhere and we cut away as Curt starts reverting back to human form. MJ prompts Ned to open another portal so they can "get rid of" the doomsday box. The reasoning here isn't important, the writers just needed him to accidentally open a portal to wherever Stephen ended up so he can rejoin the action. He staggers out and webs the box away from MJ. Ned yelps that Peter's plan to cure all the bad guys is working before he can do anything with it. Stephen peers over the railing to see Curt fully returning to Rhys Ifans mode. He takes a half a second to acknowledge this before turning to Ned and asking if he just opened a portal. Ned is like 'uh...yes? Sir?'

Chrissy: Don't mind him. He's just upset that it took him forever and a near death experience to learn how to do something you were able to do by accident.
Diandra: I mean...WHAT THE FUCK?!

Elsewhere, a now unmasked Peter 3 and depowered Max drop down onto the scaffolding. Max groans that he's back to "being a nobody" and now it's Peter 3's turn to stroke an ego. And I guess I forgot that Max never saw this Peter without his mask because he rambles that he's a good looking kid and all, but...all the good he was doing for poor people in Queens, he was kind of hoping Spider-Man would turn out to be black. Peter apologizes for the disappointment and Max says it's okay because there must be a black Spider-Man out there in SOME universe.

Emilio: Yes and his name is Miles Morales.
Diandra: He might be in this universe somewhere if it is the 616. Or not. [exasperated handwaving] I don't know, he's SOMEWHERE, SOMEWHEN.

The Amazing Spider-Man theme, written by James Horner, RIP, plays as Peter helps Max up.

Otto is admiring the arc reactor he took off of Max when HIS Peter lands beside him and pulls his mask off. Otto is happy to see him and notes that he's "all grown up" now.

Emilio: I mean, I was probably already in my 30s when you met me, but...
Diandra: But we're pretending he was only in his 20s. Like we're pretending that Tom Holland is still a teenager.

Peter says he's "trying to do better," which I'm going to assume is a reference to a plot from Tobey's movies that I don't remember.

A portal opens near them before this can get too sappy and Stephen emerges with the MacGuffin box. Peter 1 swings over and starts babbling at him to wait because they're SO CLOSE to winning here and... Stephen yells at him to shut up because he just left him hanging over the Grand Canyon for TWELVE GODDAMN HOURS.

Chrissy: Now you know how it feels.
Diandra: You were only falling for thirty minutes, drama queen. You didn't have enough time to question how the hell you're supposed to relieve your bladder, which would DEFINITELY be a thing that would be necessary in that amount of time and YES I AM IMPLYING THAT I PROBABLY PISSED MYSELF.
Chrissy: Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything about the smell. I just figured you were used to it by now.
Diandra: ........did you just make another obscure reference to "The Power of the Dog"?
Chrissy: Maybe?
Emilio: She's just trying to prompt you to write that fic you said you were going to write.
Chrissy: Thanks for the generous assumption there, Emilio, but...no, I wasn't. [ETA: In the time it took me to type this recap up, I did, in fact, write that fic]

Peters 2 and 3 swing over to stand by Peter and Stephen looks at them like 'oh, dear god, there are three of you now.' Because they don't know the context of that Grand Canyon thing, they start berating Stephen for going sight seeing when he could have been helping Peter with this situation here. Peter calls them off and introduces them to Stephen as Peter Parker and Peter Parker, pointing at Tobey and Andrew in turn for some reason, and they are variants from other universes. He introduces the Peters to "the wizard" he was telling them about while Stephen splutters and groans like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS INSANITY? He cuts Peter short, saying it's great that he managed to make...whatever this is work, but they really have to stop now.

And that's the cue for the one everybody has apparently forgotten about to return. "Can the Spider-Man come out to play," Norman cackles. He flies up, grenades floating all around him. And then a bunch of things happen quickly and it's kind of hard to track the movement. Otto appears behind Stephen, catching a bunch of grenades with his tentacles and then somehow Norman has the MacGuffin box and Otto grabs his flier before he can escape with it. Stephen rips the box back with a light whip. Norman snaps the tentacle arm holding him.

All three Peters spot the grenade lodged in the MacGuffin box just as its about to go off and Peter yells a warning to Stephen. The box explodes in his face and the rings of contained spell burst out. Somehow in all the chaos, the shield breaks away from the statue and starts crashing through scaffolding. MJ falls off the rickety scaffolding, screaming and we switch to slow motion as we do a complete homage to Gwen's death in "Amazing Spider-Man 2". Peter leaps after MJ, but is intercepted by the Goblin and his flier before he can catch her. Peter 3 recognizes this redemption moment for what it is and leaps after her, catching her and webbing them both to a safe landing. And then he gets emotional while he's asking if she's okay and she's like 'uh...are YOU?'

Emilio: NO I AM NOT THANKS FOR ASKING.

Stephen is levitating over the statue's crown, straining to pull the spell back in. It works for about two seconds and then explodes completely outward and creates some sort of purple cracks in the sky.

Ned nearly falls right behind MJ, but just as he loses his grip, the cloak catches him like it wasn't just keeping Stephen in the air .25 seconds ago like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

Chrissy: Hey, you try getting stuck with an angry magic asshole for twelve hours and see if you don't drop him in favor of a kid you barely know the first chance you get.
Diandra: Are you the CLOAK now?
Chrissy: Hey, there's an idea.
Emilio: So you're mad because you got pissed on then?
Chrissy: Meh. Not the first time. Also, not the only body fluid I've been covered in.
Diandra: Okay, we're DONE WITH THIS NOW.
Emilio: I thought you preferred to watch, not participate.
Chrissy: I love that you already know me well enough that you bypassed more innocent possibilities like "blood" there, Emilio.
Diandra: [gets up and leaves the room in the middle of that last sentence]
Emilio: That's because I didn't bypass anything. My brain went RIGHT to the gutter. [long pause] She's coming back, isn't she?
Chrissy: Who? Diandra? Yeah, I'm sure. But to answer your question: yes. But you know, unless there's another human or tentacle creature or whatever involved, I kind of HAVE to get involved on account of the state of his hands, so [stops with a startled shriek as Diandra returns with a spray bottle and squirts her in the face] HEY!
Diandra: NO! Bad Chrissy!

The shield finishes destroying all of the scaffolding and the two Spidermen not currently riding a demented villain's flier scramble to catch everyone not capable of flying and the cloak still has Ned somehow because we cut the moment where it dropped Stephen onto the torch that was still under the shield, I guess. And then the editors just...felt free to cut back and forth between Stephen trying to contain the spell with the cloak still around his shoulders and the cloak rescuing Ned like 'it's okay, the fanboys aren't paying attention to ANYTHING that isn't an Easter egg anymore so they'll never notice.' Stephen looks at the purple cracks widening everywhere and starts throwing spells at them to seal them up.

Peter 1 is still hanging onto the Green Goblin flier. He pulls a panel off it and finds the grenade stash. Norman looks down just as he sticks one on the underside of the flier. It explodes and they crash onto the fallen, half submerged shield.

"Thank you, Mr. Cape, sir," Ned says as he's deposited on the ground. Cloak. It's a cloak. MJ runs to greet him and they call down to Peter to verify that they made it out of that clusterfuck. Thus reassured, Peter turns back to Norman, posing at him. Norman snorts that Peter is too "weak" to send him home to die. Peter says nah, "I just wanna kill you myself." They lunge at each other. Peter briefly gets Norman's foot webbed to the shield. Norman pulls a dagger and gets a couple swipes in between punches.

The other Peters hear the commotion and peer over at this worriedly before nodding to each other. And then Peter picks up the flier with its sharp pointy ends, raises it over his head and goes to stab Norman with it. Peter 2 appears suddenly to grab it and stop him. He just stares at Peter and they have some sort of silent argument until Peter lowers the weapon. Because I guess none of them needs to really say things out loud being variations of the same person. And then Norman uses the distraction to stab Peter 2 in the back. Instead of trying to finish him or anything, he then turns to Peter and taunts him about Aunt May's death really being his fault because HE was the reason she was there in the first place.

Because we really just need to end this at this point, Peter 3 tosses the last injector to Peter, who stabs Norman in the neck mid-cackle. Norman collapses, the Goblin personality leaves his body and he frowns at the Peters in confusion. "What have I done," he moans.

Peter 3 goes to check on Peter 2, who insists he's fine because he's "been stabbed before." I don't think that's how that works, but okay. Peter squats beside them and they're all distracted by the universe cracking noises still going on overhead like 'oh, right...that's still a thing.' Peter 2 gapes at it and asks if he's dying and are there people up there? Peter 3 says no, they can all see it. He's fine.

Emilio: Relatively anyway.

The cloak has returned to hovering Stephen over the torch in what might be an exact repeat of the shot from earlier because seriously, the editor probably gave up at some point trying to make sense of the chaos. Peter climbs up onto the torch and Stephen tells him everyone else from everywhere else is coming through to this universe and he can't seem to stop it. Peter asks if he can just cast the spell again as he was originally doing it before Peter messed it up. Stephen thinks it's way too late for THAT to work. Peter asks what if he makes everybody forget who he is completely. Stephen agrees this would somehow work, but it would mean that everyone who knows and loves Peter would have all memories of him wiped like he "never existed". And halfway through that he acknowledges that he is one of those people.

Emilio: Told you you love me.
Diandra: [grumbling]

Peter assures him he is aware of the consequences and he should do it anyway. Stephen tells him to go say goodbye to his friends then. Peter says "thank you, sir," and Stephen returns to "call me Stephen." Except he still thinks it sounds weird.

Emilio: How about...
Diandra: NO, you still cannot call me "Dad".
Chrissy: Yeah, I'm the only one who was ever allowed to do that.
Diandra: ..........sorry, who are you now?
Chrissy: Or did I only do that in my head after your cloak slapped me for touching an artifact?
Diandra: [blink]
Emilio: That's from "Infinity War". She's Tony.
Diandra: Oh, dear god, no.
Chrissy: Why not? Seems like a good outlet for exorcising his daddy issues.
Diandra: [holds up spray bottle warningly]

Peter swoops back down to the shield while Stephen starts casting a circle of runes. Because he decided to start with his variants. Peter 2 is on his feet now, being supported by Peter 3. Peter 1 starts babbling through an awkward thank you and Peter 2 cuts him off with a smile and a "it's what we do." They group hug and he runs off to find Ned and MJ. "You're in so much pain right now, aren't you," Peter 3 asks from the corner of his mouth. "I am," Peter 2 agrees.

Emilio: When you're my age you'll realize that you can't just walk it off.

Peter webs over to his friends somehow and hugs them too before explaining that they're about to forget who he is, but he promises to find them and explain everything.

Chrissy: Again, this is LITERALLY WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE ALL ALONG.
Emilio: Still think that's too much work.
Diandra: It would have been less work if you had done it when the spell was just everyone forgetting Peter Parker is Spider-Man.
Emilio: Yeah, it would be. Why didn't you suggest it then?
Diandra: [inhales slowly through clenched teeth] So looking forward to forgetting you now.

MJ is afraid this plan won't work and says she doesn't WANT to forget him. Peter promises it will be okay and he wouldn't do this if he had literally any other options. MJ sobs that she WILL figure it out again because she did it once, so. She says she loves him but stops him when he starts to reciprocate, saying he can wait to say that until after when he comes to find her and fix this. They kiss and a sad, soppy version of his Spider-Man theme plays.

The villains disappear in a glowing light one by one so they can experience a moment of clarity and realization just before they die. Probably. The other Peters separate and wave at each other as they both disappear back to their own universes where they have already killed those bad guys that they now realize had been reformed at the last possible second. I don't know. Is that how this works? Does ANYBODY really know?

Peter looks up at Stephen, who nods. Then he spends a really long beat staring at Ned and MJ before webbing away.

Emilio: Wouldn't it be easier if I just stayed and explained everything right away?
Diandra: DON'T QUESTION THE WRITERS. JUST GO.

Stephen blasts the finished circle of runes outward over the horizon in all directions. And then we just skip ahead in time before anyone can ask any awkward questions about what just happened like 'what the fuck am I doing on Liberty Island?'

Chrissy: Or, like, hovering above it. Is there a lag before that actually goes into effect? Does it work on Tobey and Andrew's universes too or just this one?
Diandra: Why do I suspect the answer to those questions would just involve lobbing more easter eggs?
Emilio: Everybody forgot who Peter Parker is. They didn't forget Spider-Man.
Diandra: So they remember a big battle with Spidermen and their villains from two other universes, just...not his real identity? You know, what you said earlier about just forgetting Peter Parker and Spiderman are the same person being SO MUCH EASIER is absolutely true. Because how does this even work? What sort of fucked up memories do MJ and Ned have that explain why they were on Liberty Island during that whole mess with Spider-Man? Is everyone's memory of the past few days erased completely along with all those protest signs, the original video and that display they put in the school? Is everyone's memory of Spider-Man with his hood off edited now? How much of his involvement in the last two Avengers movies does anyone still alive remember?
Chrissy: See, this is why you shouldn't think too hard about these plots.
Diandra: UGH!
Emilio: It should be interesting to see how this influences other movies going forward. Because it might only apply to people who were ON EARTH at the time the spell was cast. Right? So Nick Fury and Carol Danvers might remember him.
Diandra: .........you are putting way too much faith in the writers of this series to have their shit together.

Anyway.

Over a shot of the Statue restored to her original shieldless state, Jameson exposit rants about it being two weeks since the "fiasco" and the Spider-Man "cultists" are still insisting on calling him a hero. Jameson yells that if he truly were a hero, he would stop being a coward, take off his mask and reveal his true identity.

And we're now at Christmas, which means I guess the entirety of the main action in "Hawkeye" plays out right here. But since there's no significant overlap between the two stories, it doesn't matter all that much to anyone but the people who obsess over timelines and WHEN exactly every single event in a fictional universe occurs on them. And those people are probably still more concerned about all the shifting of the first few movies of the MCU and the fact that "Homecoming" went into a wormhole and declared that eight years had gone by since the Chittauri attack four years earlier. But yeah, the writers totally have had this all mapped out years ahead and know exactly what they're doing and it's all airtight.

Chrissy: Pfffffttttt. [wanking gesture]

Peter is practicing a speech reintroducing himself to Ned and MJ as he goes back to the cafe. MJ turns as he enters and looks like she's recognizing him, but it turns out she's just waving at Ned arriving behind him. MJ stands in front of Peter and does a standard food service greeting. Peter starts his speech and I guess chickens out when he sees the blank stare she's giving him and ends up saying "my name is Peter Parker and I...would like a coffee, please." She snorts at his overshare greeting and grabs a donut for Ned. MJ and Ned banter a bit about MIT, which they are both still accepted to.

Peter is staring at Ned when MJ brings his coffee. He asks if she is excited to go to MIT. She says yeah, actually, which is pretty out of character for her. He's like 'I know...I mean...uh...' He really clumsily goes to pay for the coffee and asks if the mark that she got on her forehead at some point during that last scene that is still covered by a bandaid hurts. She says no, not anymore. He stares at her again like a creepy stalker before shoving the speech he had written in his pocket and leaving with the coffee. MJ frowns like she's maybe sensing something or maybe they're just fucking with the audience.

Emilio: The scene might have originally gone that way before a rewrite.
Diandra: Yeah, either that or that's a fanwank theory that came out after the movie. I can't remember which.

Sometime later, Peter goes to put a single white rose on May's grave. Both her date of birth and date of death are obscured, which is convenient in case the writers realize they fucked up something and need to retcon dates later.

Chrissy: Such an optimist.

And then Happy shows up and asks how this kid he no longer recognizes knew her. Peter sort of gulps and says uh..."through Spider-Man". Happy says yeah, me too.

Chrissy: This is going to create a major headache for any future installments involving him, isn't it?
Diandra: I have absolutely no doubt.

Happy starts rambling about how he lost a really good friend recently and "it hurts 'cause they're gone and then it hurts all over again because you remember what they stood for and you wonder 'is all that gone too?'" Peter doesn't think so. He's confident that all the people she helped will "keep going".

Emilio: In this universe. Those guys I cured and sent back to their universes are probably dead by now.

Peter slips away and goes back to the now empty apartment that I guess is all his now. We see a copy of a GED test prep book in one of his moving boxes because I guess his entire academic history has also been erased. He listens to a police scanner through his phone, puts on his suit and jumps out the window, swinging down the street in the snow past the Rockerfeller tree that is still up so that last episode of "Hawkeye" obviously hasn't happened yet.

And we smash to credits accompanied by a song about three being the magic number.

Chrissy: Very comforting. People usually give up after three.
Diandra: [heavy sigh]
Chrissy: That was a reference to-
Diandra: I KNOW what it was a reference to.

And now we get the scene that made me yell at the television screen.

Tom Hardy's Venom is at a tiki bar in Mexico, scribbling notes on several pieces of paper. He says so what the bartender is saying is that this place is just LOUSY with supers? The symbiote snarls that yeah, dummy, that's what that several hour Q&A has been ALL about. Eddie begs forgiveness because "I'm an idiot": so this billionaire in a flying tin suit and a big angry green guy fought this purple alien with a jewel fetish... He says that sounds like bullshit because in his experience aliens only want to eat people's brains. The bartender says this one is very real and made his family disappear for five years. Eddie wonders if he should go to New York and have a little chat with this Spider-Man guy. The symbiote thinks he should go skinny dipping on account of he's drunk. The bartender thinks he should pay for his drinks. And this is apparently when everyone returned to their universes because Eddie starts to glow and the symbiote yells about how they JUST GOT HERE as he disappears. The bartender grumbles and walks away without noticing the drop of symbiote on the counter that starts to crawl away on its own.

Emilio: And that's how we get Venom in this universe.
Diandra: As long as I don't need more than a vague awareness that those movies exist...I can live with that.

Instead of a post credit scene, they just tacked the preview for "Multiverse of Madness" after the credits, which suggests either they DIDN'T run it before the movie in theaters (I don't know because I refused to risk catching COVID and waited for it to come on video) or the die hard Marvel fans who know to stick around for mid and post credit scenes got disappointed twice with stuff that added nothing.

Chrissy: Although it does start with dialogue from this movie that suggests the repercussions of the botched spell are responsible for the mess that will need to be fixed now.
Diandra: I guess. Although the little recap things Disney+ does under the title "Legends" had three going into "Multiverse of Madness" and NONE of them mentioned anything that happened in this movie. Again, this is probably because the whole multiverse storyline was messed up by the pandemic and they're still trying to get it back on track.
Emilio: So what do you think? Will this be your longest recap so far?
Diandra: Maybe? [ETA: No. It doesn't even beat "Endgame"]

Chrissy: That wasn't so bad, was it?
Diandra: I didn't think it would be. It's not that I didn't like this movie, I just think that all the fanservicing and nostalgia gave the fanboys the biased impression that it was the best superhero movie ever made that deserved to win an Academy Award for Best Picture. (The fact that they pushed the Academy to create a ridiculous "fan favorite" Twitter poll category just for this, only to have it fail to win that too is something I will never NOT find hilarious). And then they carried this bias to "Multiverse of Madness", which they declared the worst MCU movie ever (an equally ridiculous statement) for failing to live up to their expectations that every Marvel movie now be chock full of cameos and easter eggs and ONLY the comic book plots they liked. Which is weird in itself because they don't seem to realize just how closely the plot of this one aligned with "One More Day", which they didn't particularly like.
Chrissy: .........you feel better now that you have that out of your system?
Diandra: Sorry.
Chrissy: No, I'm surprised you waited this long. So are you ready to just jump into the next one?
Diandra: I will never be ready for that. But more importantly, ever since I decided to do brief recaps I'm catching up to actual releases faster than usual, so we should probably take a break.
Chrissy: Maybe you can write some fan fiction.
Diandra: Haha. You're funny.