"Deadpool"

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Morena Baccarin, Ed Skrein, T.J. Miller, Karan Soni, Leslie Uggams, Stefan Kapicic, Brianna Hildebrand, Gina Carano (who yes, I just realized is the MAGA chick from Mandalorian and I'm going to pretend I don't know that)


I have gone back and forth about whether I should do this recap. Part of the fun of recapping is the jokes Chrissy (and sometimes Emilio) and I can make on the sidelines. Basically we are doing a combination summary and Rifftrax. This seems like a waste of time on movies where the title character is basically providing his own running irreverent commentary throughout, but...
Chrissy: But you will do anything to put off recapping Endgame, basically.
Yeah. So as I was about to say, I decided if we were going to do it we might as well go all out. Both Chrissy and Emilio are joining me via Zoom for what will no doubt be a sheer overkill of a recap.

A little exposition before we start. Technically, this was not the first movie with Wade Wilson/Deadpool. I scrubbed most of the Wolverine origins movie from my mind, but I tried to refresh my memory just a little recently knowing it would at least be referenced, if only for purposes of entirely deserved mockery. One thing I'm learning with regards to Marvel: canon is a really fuzzy concept. So all you need to know is that that version of Deadpool was created by scientists of questionable ethics as part of the Weapon X program, a program that tried to create mutants based on Wolverine's DNA. He could teleport and shoot lasers from his eyes and he almost succeeded in killing Logan before Logan sliced his head off and threw him into a cooling tower. It was...batshit. And none of it really matters much because this movie is effectively a reboot of Deadpool's origin and we can largely pretend none of that happened, even if it does kind of explain some of the jokes.
Emilio: I usually find it best to pretend that neither of the Wolverine origin movies happened.
Diandra: Yeah, much as I love Hugh Jackman (and Ryan Reynolds), it wasn't enough to make me want to actually watch that movie beyond, like, the one scene I just described.

Okay. Here goes nothing.

So instead of the old title card theme, which I'm pretty sure Marvel was still using when this movie came out, we get the opening bars of the 80s pop ballad "Angel of the Morning". And when we come out of the title card, it is to a guy frozen mid-scream, some piece that might have once been on a car headed into his mouth. Or out of it. It's not really clear. Also there is a bullet hole in his forehead. We pan backwards past a Starbucks cup (or...a generic coffee cup with any logos hidden) mid-spill and the gun that fired the bullet as the credits start playing. Or what passes for credits in this universe anyway. As we pass a copy of the People magazine where Ryan Reynold's was declared Sexiest Man Alive, the words "Starring God's Perfect Idiot" flash past, followed by "a hot chick" and "a British villain".
Chrissy: Unfortunately not the one you're probably thinking of. Or the other one you're thinking of.
Diandra: On a barely related note: I just realized I still have that exact People magazine issue.
Chrissy: Considering I'm pretty sure that first inset picture is of Brad Pitt, I'm not really surprised.

We pass somebody's wallet falling open with a comic card for Green Lantern sticking out.
Chrissy: Booooooooooo.
Emilio: Oh, come on, it wasn't THAT bad.
Diandra: I'm pretty sure it was. I can't be certain though because I scrubbed that entire thing from my memory too.
Chrissy: I would make fun of you and your shitty memory, but honestly you can be forgiven in this case.
Also, speaking of British villains... remember that whole discussion about two of the guys from the car commercial about British villains being in the MCU and one in two separate DC comic movies? Green Lantern was one.
Diandra: Of course it was.

We keep panning past destruction and broken glass in frozen tableau until we reach a guy with his face buried in Deadpool's crotch.
Chrissy: Really setting the tone for the whole movie within the first couple minutes, aren't they? 
Diandra: Probably a good idea. Give the people who assumed this would be another PG-13 superhero movie time to back out.
We know it's Deadpool because of the logo on his belt buckle. And also by the red spandex. He has a gun pressed to another guy's eye. The credits are still going, by the way, and include "a CGI character" and "a gratuitous cameo".

We keep panning to show Deadpool's other hand is gripping another guy by the underwear to stop him from escaping. We finally pull back far enough to see the bigger picture: they are in a car that is mid-flip and on fire. Also, there is a motorcycle. It is also on fire.

We stop on a singed child's drawing of Deadpool, stabbing a guy while introducing himself, then smash through to sometime earlier where Deadpool is just sitting in the back of a car, looking at the travel brochures stuck to the seat and playing with the window. He pulls a wad of still tacky gum from the ceiling and struggles to shake it off his fingers. Then he finally sticks his head through the partition and announces that it's LONELY back there before just climbing right through to the passenger seat. The taxi driver is like "okay, um...sure...I guess."

He introduces himself as Dopinder. Deadpool shakes his hand, points to the picture of a woman stuck to the dashboard behind the wheel and says "nice". Dopinder says yes, Gita would have made a very "agreeable" wife if his better looking and "dishonorable" cousin hadn't beaten him to it. Deadpool says he suspects there was a reason he ended up in this cab today. Dopinder cluelessly says yes, he called for it. Deadpool is like, no, genius, so I can convince you to not make the same mistakes I did and FIGHT FOR HER. Dopinder is like okay, sure...crazy man. What's with the red suit anyway? Deadpool says he's wearing it because it's Christmas Day and "I'm after somebody on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and...fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me." Recognizing his function in this movie as exposition fairy, Dopinder asks what this guy did, exactly. Deadpool just lifts his mask to reveal massive amounts of prosthesis that make him look like he barely survived a fire. Or something.

Sometime earlier...or...now, somewhere else. Some guy is waiting at a dock when a military looking helicopter lands and a guy in a suit approaches and I just realized I'm seriously out of practice with recapping exposition after so many movies where we already know everyone going in. It's obvious suit guy - who has a Russian accent - is buying some sort of weapons from the other guy - who has an Australian accent. Russian asks if he can expect another package next month and Aussie says nah, he's not the only one with money playing at war at the moment. Russian isn't happy. Aussie calmly talks about supply chain disruptions and how they would really appreciate if he could be patient while he grabs the Russian by the throat and LIFTS HIM A COUPLE FEET OFF THE GROUND WITHOUT STRAINING EVEN SLIGHTLY. Russian relents and Aussie puts him down, says "pleasure doing business with you" and swaggers away. "Fucking mutant," Russian mutters. Because this is the end of the Marvel universe that could still talk about mutants in 2016.

Back in the taxi, Deadpool realizes he forgot to bring his "ammo bag" with him. Dopinder offers to go back for it. Deadpool says there's no time and counts the bullets currently in his gun clip. There are twelve, so that should provide for a nice, arbitrary limitation in the upcoming battle. He tells Dopinder to stop suddenly, right in the middle of the freeway. Dopinder recites the cab fare and Deadpool is like...uh...do you see pockets on this giant body condom I'm wearing? He offers an increasingly dejected Dopinder a high five and a Merry Christmas instead. Dopinder says "and a convivial Tuesday in April to you, too." Snort.

So he's sitting on the railing at the edge of the freeway, blaring "Shoop" from a Walkman and drawing what looks like a child's crayon depiction of him shooting a guy announcing himself as Francis. Chrissy: Therapist recommended exercise. Really helps get some of the aggression out. He suddenly looks right at the camera and addresses the audience directly. "I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie?"
Emilio: Harvey Weinstein. We know.
Diandra: DUDE! No.
He says he can't say, but his name rhymes with Pulverine.
Chrissy: Yeah, you wish.
Diandra: He does, actually.
In case this was too subtle, he gushes a bit more about Huge Ackman's "down under" in an Australian accent.
Emilio: Nice use of the name from Night at the Museum.
Diandra: Thank you.

He is interrupted by the approach of the bad guys he's waiting for. We see a caravan of SUVs and motorcycles headed in his direction. He sighs "maximum effort" and steps off the overpass, crashing through the moonroof of the lead SUV, which is playing "Angel of the Morning" on the radio. They launch immediately into fistfighting. One guy gets tossed out the back of the SUV. Deadpool says - between blows - that he's looking for Francis and waves his drawing in one guy's face, asking if they've seen him. The guy grabs him by the neck and slams his face into the radio screen, each blow punctuated by Deadpool grunting "ow" and the channel changing. The guy pulls his gun and tries to shoot Deadpool...in an enclosed space...like a moron...but ends up hitting the driver instead. Guys in bikes ride up alongside and shoot from the outside, but likewise only hit the driver and passenger baddies.

Deadpool kicks the passenger out of the car along with the door. The bike rider collides with the whole mess and falls back. The guy who was kicked out the back finally drags himself up into the van again. Deadpool punches the driver's foot off the gas and floors it himself, engages the cigarette lighter and waits for the guy to crawl up while the SUV slams into other vehicles on the road because nobody is paying attention to where it's going. The cigarette lighter pops and Deadpool uses it to burn the guy's forehead. Then he shoves it in the guy's mouth and says "I've never said this, but...don't swallow."
Chrissy: Well...maybe in my head. I've never said it to OTHER people though.

The passenger is still connected to the car by the seatbelt, by the way. Another car pulls up alongside them with some bad guy's wielding major weaponry and Deadpool kicks the wheel so the SUV hits the median and flips several times, reaching out to grab the biker through the broken sunroof as they flip past him. Everything slows to a halt and we are caught up on the scene from the opening credits. Deadpool unfreezes, looks at the camera, and wonders if he left the stove on at home.

Everything unfreezes and the biker is beheaded, one of the guys splatters messily into a highway sign and everyone else is scattered and/or crushed along the road as the SUV flips to a stop. And even though I know this is the rated R end of the Marvel universe where (Weasley Snipes) Blade and Logan live, it is still jarring to see the difference after so many PG-13 installments and their bloodless violence.

Xavier's school for mutants. Colossus watches a news report about the "accident" while eating breakfast. He stops eating as the perp is described as armed and dangerous and wearing some sort of red...suit...leotard thing. He slams his spoon down and calls Negasonic, aka Teenage Warhead. I find it fascinating which characters are allowed to exist in which Marvel movies. Like...why was Scarlet Witch allowed to be in the MCU? Why was Quicksilver in both places? And if they could do that, why can't we have Storm as the Queen of Wakanda?
Emilio: Well, that will probably never happen now that T'Challa is gone.
Diandra: Yeah. Ugh.

Negasonic joins Colossus as he goes into some sort of hangar and he rants about how he's tried to bring Deadpool in, but he'd rather be a petulant manchild and refuse to see the benefits of joining the X-Men. Negasonic is like yeah, it's great. We get to live in a house that blows up every few years and wear matching uniforms. Pfffftttt. He asks if she ate breakfast today and gives her a protein bar. She scowls at it like "thanks, MOM."

Back on the freeway, men with guns surround the tipped over van. The window rolls down and Deadpool barely sticks his head out before they begin shooting, forcing him right back in. When the shooting stops, he sticks his hands out first and starts rambling about how he wears a red suit so the bad guys can't see him bleeding. Kind of like how that one guy over there with the machine gun is wearing brown pants. The guy shoots furiously. Deadpool ducks back down and shouts that he only has twelve bullets, so they're going to have to share. He flips up out of the van, firing from guns in both hands and we zoom in on the spent casings, which are numbered in descending order from twelve. Twelve and eleven hit two guys right in the foreheads.

As he's regrouping, another guy on a bike drives past, shooting several bullets, at least some of which obviously hit him. He looks at the hole blown through his arm and wastes three bullets trying to fire back at the guy, swearing each time one doesn't land. The biker rides away. Bullet seven goes in a guy just starting to come around the van. He runs along the gauntlet of stopped cars, flipping over one like a cocky showoff...
Chrissy: Like?
...and hides behind an SUV while one of the guys shoots the hell out of the windows in the hopes that some of the bullets will hit him. As the guy comes around to his side, Deadpool is just lounging on the road. He goes to shoot, but the magazine is empty. "Someone's not counting," Deadpool sing-songs before using bullet number 6 to blow his brains out.

Bullet five goes into a grenade one guy just pulled a pin in, exploding it before he can throw and taking out both him and the goon next to him. As he's doing a little celebratory dance, a guy comes up behind him and shoots, then makes the mistake of creeping closer to see if he got him. Deadpool, awkwardly splayed with his ass in the air, grunts "four" and shoots from between his legs. Then he drags himself upright, fires two more bullets in the guy and yells "STUPID!...worth it." Of course, now he only has one bullet and three guys closing in on him. Somehow, he leaps past them as they are lined up and gets the bullet to go through all three of their heads. Instead of blowing on the smoking barrels of the guns, he inhales the smoke and announces that he's totally going to masturbate tonight.
Chrissy: Which is different from his usual nightly routine?
Emilio: Probably not.

He skips (literally) over to an SUV, calling for Francis. The SUV is empty. One of the guys he shot suddenly gets up, pulls the bullet that is only partly embedded in his forehead out and rolls up his sleeves. Deadpool thinks this last part is hilariously overdramatic. The guy pulls a dagger in each hand and starts running toward him. Deadpool reaches for the two swords crossed on his back and skewers him, thrusting him into the air. The scene freezes and Deadpool's voiceover notes that some girl is probably wondering what the hell kind of superhero movie this is that her boyfriend dragged her to. "Yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is. A love story." We zoom in on his ass, which seems to have a bullet hole in the middle of it like somebody actually shot a bullet directly up his rectum, as he says he's gonna need to flash back now to before he started squeezing this ass in this red spandex thing.

The shot switches to...some other guy's ass in very sparkly jeans and the chyron says it is now two years ago. He reaches one hand back to scratch and all I can think is that we're headed dangerously for "Idiocracy" territory here.
Emilio: EVERYTHING is in Idiocracy territory now.
The guy is arguing with a pizza delivery boy that he definitely DID NOT order that pizza. And then Ryan Reynold's voice from the next room says HE ordered it and a toilet flushes before he comes out looking like his usual pretty self. The other guy is like "who the fuck are you and how did you get in my apartment?" Wade (I'm pretty sure they said what his name is at some point), pulls a gun on him. The guy starts babbling some sort of excuse about "that poker game" and whatever he told "Howie" and look, man, just take whatever you want and don't kill me. The pizza guy is like "hey, so if you can just tip me before you splatter this guy's brains on that wall over there..." Wade says uh, no, because he's actually here for pizza guy, Jeremy. The other guy starts laughing and Wade punches him and threatens to shoot his cat. The guy has no idea what that means because he doesn't even have a cat. "Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?"

He shrugs and, having subdued the guy, returns to Jeremy and pulls a giant knife that he uses to open the box, rambling about a Megan Orflosky or Orlovsky or something who Jeremy's been stalking. And if he promises to stop harassing her, then Wade won't have to use this giant knife he's waving around. Jeremy is like "uh...okay, sir." Wade says cool and sheaths the knife. Jeremy is like "that's it?" and Wade is like "yeah, I have a soft spot" and they all start laughing to diffuse the tension. And then Wade shoves him up against the wall with a grip on his throat and says if he so much as LOOKS at Megan again "you will find out in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too." Long pause. "That came out wrong. Or did it?" He kisses his cheek mockingly and Jeremy whimpers and possibly pees his pants.

Cut to Wade finding the girl who paid him at a hangout where kids are skateboarding and dumping the pizza box and some polaroids in front of her, announcing that she will never hear from Jeremy again. She hugs him and he jokes that this is why he does what he does. That and the money. Mostly the money. She announces that he is her hero as he goes to walk away and he says no, he's definitely not anyone's hero. In voice over he continues that he really isn't: he's a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up even badder guys.

He goes through a door marked "Sister Margaret's School for Wayward Girls", which he calls a "job fair for mercenaries." It's...a bar. He goes up to the bartender, who identifies him by name and asks what he wants. Wade says he wants a blow job. The bartender mutters "god, me too," and Wade says he means the drink.
Chrissy: But you know it's called that specifically so this sort of scenario can play out.
Emilio: 99% of drinks are named for these sort of scenarios.
Diandra: And the other 1% are named for how they look, like Duck Turd.
He hands the bartender what is apparently that Megan girl's stolen credit card, but tells him to make sure it gets back to her. Bartender is like 'aww, you're just a big softie, aren't you?' He bets Wade let that kid he was paid to rough up off easy too. Wade says the kid was just a stalker and he did WAY worse when he was that age. Like kill people for Special Forces.
Chrissy: Whoops, just spilled a whole load of exposition on the floor here...

The bartender (whose name is Weasel, apparently) finishes the drink and Wade hands it to a passing waitress to give to that guy over there and tell him it came from that other guy over there. Then he drinks a regular shot while a fight breaks out behind him as a result. Continuing the expository phase of this movie, when the fight ends, Weasel goes to check whether the unconscious loser is still breathing and there are jeers when he announces he is. Wade says that's too bad because he picked him in the "dead pool". He asks who Weasel picked and Weasel is like 'um...uh...'. Wade looks up at a big chalkboard where the bar regulars apparently place wagers on who is going to die when. Most of the names are celebrities like Bill Cosby, Ozzy Osborn, Ryan Reynolds (hah) and Vladimir Putin, but yeah, Weasel has bets on Wade at age 39.
Chrissy: Which is one year after the bet for Ryan.
Wade declares Weasel the World's Worst Friend and says he intends to live to 102 before dying. "Like the city of Detroit." Then he says the next round of drinks for everyone is on him.

Morena Bacarrin sashays up and purrs "baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad?" He openly stares at her breasts before introducing himself. She's like 'and I'm Vanessa and I am very much available.' A biker cliche slaps her ass as he walks by and announces he'd "hit that". Wade grabs him and starts ordering him to apologize, but before he can get to the threat of what he will do if the guy doesn't, Vanessa grabs him by the balls and orders "say the magic words, Fat Gandalf." Fat Gandalf starts to apologize that he doesn't have a filter between his brain and his mouth and she either squeezes harder or twists and Wade has to call her off.

They have a little bit more expository dialogue to establish that she is a hooker. Possibly. He asks if she had a rough childhood. She says her daddy left before she was born. He says yeah, well, his daddy left before he was conceived.
Chrissy: This bit of dialogue inspired by Weird Al Yankovic.
Diandra: My brothers and sisters all hated me, because I was an only child!
Chrissy: Yeah, that.
Because this is now a competition, she says she was molested. He says he was too, by his uncle. She says hers was uncles, plural. He says yeah, well he was locked in a closet during his own birthday party once. Also, the closet was his bedroom. She says she slept in a dishwasher box. "It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn," he says. And now that she knows what his kinks are...

And we cut away to a really close shot that looks like he's laying hovering over her. "It's time to put balls in holes," he says. Because of course this is a psych out and they're standing in front of a skee ball machine. And because everything is meta, he says he just wants to get to know the real her and not the "two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood." He throws one ball directly into the 1000 point hole to establish how good he is at this game and then we cut right to him handing a whole fistful of tickets to the guy at the prize booth so he can get a limited edition Voltron ring. She says the time he already paid for is up. He asks how much more he can get with the ring. She says three minutes. The probably predictable comeback is "deal. What do we do with the remaining two minutes, thirty-seven seconds?"

The following montage (to the tune of Calendar Girl) suggests that they proceed to meet and fuck for the next three holidays, which are Valentine's Day (fairly vanilla), Chinese New Year (he is behind her because it is the Year of the Dog), International Woman's Day (she is behind him). There's a brief interlude for Lent, where they just sit across from each other reading and then for Halloween he apparently tries to perform oral sex while wearing Dracula teeth. For Thanksgiving, they do it on the table while she smears mashed potatoes on his face. This is when he announces that he loves her and we stop on Christmas. Her hair is longer and they are both wearing ugly sweaters and she is talking about how red is really his color. He wants to talk about why he thinks they are such a great match. "Your crazy matches my crazy." I think this is what people think the whole Joker/Harley Quinn thing is about, but...
Emilio: No, this is way less toxic.
Diandra: Not even going to point out that I'm in the wrong comic book universe again?
Chrissy: I think we can safely assume that anything is fair game on this end of the Marvel verse, which is why that photoshop of Deadpool shoving Tony aside and using the Infinity Gauntlet while announcing "and *I* am Batman!" is funny and totally appropriate.
Diandra: You don't know how much I wanted to do that in my fic.
Chrissy: We do, actually. Because you said those exact words at least three times.
Emilio: And it would have been funny, but also very out of place.

He says they are like two jigsaw pieces and she finishes the thought that their weird, curvy edges fit together to reveal a whole picture. She turns serious and says there's something she wants to ask him because apparently he's not going to ask her..."will you..." and then they do the following at the same time.
Vanessa: ...stick it in my...
Wade: [holding up one of those sucker "rings"] ...marry me?
She pretends that's exactly what she was saying like 'you never heard the other thing I was saying. Forget it.' She asks where he was hiding that thing until just now and he's like 'definitely not up my ass, but you might want to throw it away and not put it in your mouth ever.' She says if he really means it, then the answer is yes. He whoops and says he feels "just like a little girl." He cuddles up behind her and says he could hold on and never let go. She ruins the thought with "just ride a bitch's back like Yoda on Luke."
Chrissy: And I'm never going to look at Star Wars the same way again. Thanks, Marvel.
He moans that he loves it when she makes Star Wars references and she's like 'bitch, please, that was "Empire Strikes Back" and you know it.' He says she really is the girl of his dreams, isn't she?

He grabs a polaroid camera from the nightstand and takes a selfie of the two of them to remember this moment, then announces he has to go pee. We focus on his doofy ass smiling face while he does this (like, five feet from the bed where there is hopefully a toilet) and his voice over says that life is a "series of train wrecks with brief, commercial like breaks of happiness." And this was a commercial break, so... He starts to return to the bed (without washing his hands) and suddenly passes out on the floor.

Cut to them finding out he has late-stage cancer and the outlook is...uh...not good because the doctor is pinning hopes on drugs that haven't been invented yet. Vanessa clutches his hands and starts talking to the doctor about her uncle whose thyroid cancer was treated with experimental drugs from Germany. Wade just stares at her while his voiceover notes that while she's trying to find a solution he's memorizing every detail of her face like it's the last time he will ever see her. The doctor gets his attention and stresses that he should take his time processing this news and "not do anything rash."

Her voice carries us into the next scene, which flashes forward again to the point where we left: him skewering a guy with both swords. He lets the guy drop and mutters that he still needs to find that Francis guy. A motorcycle revs nearby and he chases the driver, who shoots at him. He leaps over a car in slow motion, throwing one sword into the motorcycle's front wheel and knocking the driver off. He gives sports-like commentary while he starts beating on the guy (who is the Australian from earlier). He runs the guy - who he identifies as Francis - through with the other sword, then squats down to ask if the guy recognizes him. He peels his mask partway off. Francis does recognize him and says he's "fucking gorgeous". Deadpool says he looks like he got bit by "a radioactive shar pei" and it's all Francis' fault and he would like him to undo it now. Francis thinks Wade should thank him, actually, because he's now apparently immortal. Deadpool doesn't think this is "living" thought and announces that "I'm going to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s."

Colossus walks up behind him as he is finishing this threat and as Deadpool winds up for a hit, he whangs him right in the metal crotch. Colossus picks him up and flings him aside. We snap into slow motion as Deadpool notes that things have gone...a little sideways.

Time for another flashback. This one starts with Wade showing Vanessa his "most prized possession". He picks up an action figure of Deadpool from that Wolverine Origin movie and tosses it aside, waving the vinyl Wham! album that was under it at her. He puts it in a backpack while she asks if she's just supposed to smile and wave as he walks out the door now. He thinks it helps to think of it as spring cleaning except that in this case you substitute "death" for "spring". He unearths a coin purse with Bernadette Peters' picture on it and says he totally jerked off thinking about her many times. Vanessa takes the purse from him and says it's not going anywhere and neither is he. He says sure, he can live without his liver, prostate, lungs and brain because those are all the organs the cancer has already spread to. She means he should stay. He thinks cancer is a "Yakov Smirnov opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit show" and he wants her to remember him as he is now. At least until he is reincarnated and can find her again and do a John Cusak in "...Say Anything" except the boombox would be playing George Michael instead of Peter Gabriel. She insists they're going to fight and she just realized that he finally won their little competition over who was more fucked up. They kiss and we smash to the bar again.

Weasel notes that Wade looks like death warmed over this time. Wade orders a drink and Weasel offers to make him a wheatgrass smoothie instead. Wade grumbles that he sounds like Vanessa and pulls out all the brochures she found for experimental treatments in other countries like Chechnya. A picture of him and Vanessa falls out and Weasel asks if he can keep it to remember what Wade used to look like. Then he remembers this guy who came in earlier asking for him and hands Wade a black business card that has nothing but a phone number on it. "I don't know, might further the plot," he says.
Chrissy: Or at least be an important thing for you to have a flash back about later.

Wade goes to sit at the table with the middle-management looking guy and asks if he needs help with anything besides luring kids into a shady looking van. Middle Management says he recruits people who have recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He exposits again that Wade was with special forces and killed 41 people before retiring to this life of "sticking up for the little people". Anyway, because Wade is so special, the people he works for would like to maybe try to cure his cancer and give him....abilities. Turn him into a superhero.
Chrissy: Probably nothing crazy like teleportation or shooting lasers from your eyes, but...
Wade says yeah, uh......don't call me, I'll call you.

Sometime later, Vanessa wakes to him crying in a chair by the window. She asks what's going on and he tries to bluster that it was just a "Liam Neeson nightmare" which was basically the plot of "Taken", but with him as the kidnapper. He gets back in bed and mutters that after three of those movies you wonder if maybe Liam's just a terrible parent. Vanessa just hums because she's already fallen back asleep. Also probably because she's just used to his nonsense by now. So he packs a bag and sneaks out before she wakes up again, voice overing that the worst part about cancer is not what it does to you, but to loved ones and maybe that guy can't save his life, but he can at least save hers.

Back to the present, Deadpool wants to go over the pros and cons of the superhero thing while he slams into the car. "Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass." Discounts, film deals, etc. "Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets." This last part he visibly says out loud while looking at the camera. Colossus points out that they can HEAR him. Deadpool says yeah, well, he wasn't talking to THEM.
Emilio: I was talking to the voices in my head!
Colossus is like 'whatever. We discussed what is and isn't acceptable use of your powers and you're coming back to Xavier's school with me.' Negasonic steps beside him and Deadpool asks who she is. She recites the entire name and Deadpool gushes that that's the coolest name EVER. Colossus says she's a trainee. Deadpool is like 'oh, so she's on drudge detail for a while, huh?' He goes over to punch Francis again and Negasonic asks if they can go. Deadpool does an impression of a teenage girl to mock her. "I'm all about long, sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences." Colossus asks if he's going to come willingly then, or...
Chrissy: Depends on how much foreplay you're willing to put in.
Diandra: ..............[sigh]

Deadpool asks if they're really going to try to stop him here, because that bag of dicks has this coming to him and "nobody's getting hurt." This last part is punctuated by the guy who splattered on the billboard finally sliding off and hitting the car underneath loudly. "That guy was already up there when I got here." Colossus is still pleading with Wade to use his powers for good and become a superhero. Deadpool thinks it will be a cold day in hell before he goes to live on Neverland Ranch with a "creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate looking" dude who is either Scottish or British, we're not really sure. He turns to get back to what he was doing and realizes that Francis has disappeared. With the sword. This enrages him so much he tries to punch Colossus in the face and breaks his entire hand. Not one to learn lessons easily, he tries to punch Colossus in the crotch with his other hand. And then tries to kick him. Colossus begs him to stop, but he is DETERMINED to see this Monty Python reference through to the end! He hops up and down on his one good limb and Colossus asks if he has an off switch anywhere. Deadpool says yeah, next to the prostate. "Or is that the on switch?"
Chrissy: Pretty sure Vanessa was doing something wrong on International Woman's Day.

Colossus slaps him into a car, attaches them to each other with some manacles and announces they're going to go talk to the professor. "McAvoy or Stewart," Deadpool groans. "These timelines are so confusing."
Emilio: Plot twist: it's actually the Professor from Gilligan's Island.
Diandra: I think his name was Hinkley. And that would be a trick since he died two years before this movie came out (presumably before it was filmed).
Emilio: Why am I not surprised you knew any of that?
Diandra: Because you know he was my first crush even though he was old enough to be my grandfather?

As he's being dragged along the road, Deadpool rights his unmanacled hand, pulls out a knife and asks the fourth wall if we've ever seen "127 Hours". After a few seconds of squishing noises, Colossus lifts him up by the hand he's sawing off like 'the fuck do you think you're doing?' Blood sprays him in the face, which Deadpool declares a "money shot". He cuts through and flips off the bridge into a passing flatbed, leaving Colossus with a hand that is, of course, flipping him the bird.

And we flashback again while Deadpool talks about being able to trace everything back to one bad decision.
Chrissy: Yeah, but unfortunately we can't go back and give your father a condom.
Diandra: Ouch, dude.
Wade is on a gurney being wheeled down some hallways that don't look even remotely like they are in a hospital. The agent hovers over him gloating that he came around. Wade says he just needs to "do right" by someone. "And please don't make the super suit green." Ha!

He's wheeled past rooms full of test subjects. We zero in one one who has spikes coming out of his back. A guy somewhere screams and another guy who looks traumatized and bloody is wheeled in the other direction. "This place seems sanitary," he quips. The orderlies put him on a table and strap him down while he jokes about how they really should have agreed on a safe word by now. And then a lady with a matchstick poking out of her mouth like a toothpick pulls a strap across his neck. He asks if she has an oral fixation or is just a Stallone fan. She slaps her hand over his mouth.

Francis arrives, wearing a lab coat, and exposits that her name is Angel while waving her off. Deadpool starts rambling again about his first day at Superhero Camp, so she finds a gag to shove between his teeth. "Francis" introduces himself as Ajax and says he runs this place, NOT the government and they deal specially with "reclamation projects" like this. Oh, and fair warning: the process of gaining superpowers hurts like a motherfucker. He injects Wade with a serum to activate any latent mutant DNA. But it really only activates once the subject is exposed to "extreme stress", so...he injects something else that is yellow with spots of red floating in it. Ajacis says the serum affects everyone differently. Angel got superstrength, he got quick reflexes and inability to feel pain. Or anything else. Yeah, he's pretty much a monster. Wade says something muffled. Angel removes the gag and he says what he has apparently been desperate to say: "you have something in your teeth." Francis rolls his eyes and starts walking away, pausing to look in a mirror. "Made you look," Wade chuckles. He asks if Ajax is really his name because that sounds fake. He starts throwing out guesses as to what his real name is, including Basil Fawlty which is not really a reference you expect to find in a Marvel movie.
Chrissy: Like we said earlier, NOTHING is out of bounds here.
Diandra: Yeah, but how many people in this audience can they realistically expect will overlap with that one?
Chrissy: Probably the same ones who got the Monty Python reference earlier.
Diandra: Oh.

Frajax (oh, that works better) says that sense of humor will be the first thing to go because nobody ever leaves this facility with one. Wade thinks he'll be an exception. Frajax shrugs "we'll see" and leaves him to Angel. Wade whines that he's just going to leave him with "less angry Rosie O'Donnell" and all the other names Ryan used in various takes go on the gag reel. She punches him unconscious.

Montage. Frajax voice overs that they're using adrenaline to try to kick start the serum and then torturing him through various methods probably explicitly forbidden by the Geneva Convention until the mutant gene activates. Or, you know, until he dies because they really don't care if this works or not.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, Wade is chatting with the guy in the next room - whose name is apparently Cunningham - about bucket lists, which starts with the usual macho stupidity but crumbles when Cunningham says "making pancakes with my kids".
Emilio: Way to kill the mood there, Donny Downer.
Wade has a little vision of Vanessa that is interrupted when Frajax arrives in Cunningham's room. Wade reveals that he has somehow discovered Francis' real name in the past days or weeks or whatever and that the name Ajax came from a soap dish. Francis menaces over to Wade's side and Wade sort of explains that he ripped the dry cleaning tag from his lab coat. He is clutching a tag that says Freeman, Francis. Francis snatches it and mutters that Wade is SO "relentlessly annoying". Wade takes that as a compliment. Francis tells him to shut up before he decides to "sew your pretty mouth shut". Wade is like 'yeah, we tried that in the last movie and it turned out really dumb, so...'
Chrissy: Besides, there are much better uses for a "pretty mouth" as well as better methods of training him on it's proper uses.
Diandra: ................okay, I'm just going to move on and pretend you didn't say that.

Francis decides to try one last method of torturing Wade into mutating and if that doesn't work, NOTHING will. He has him strapped into an incubation tube while he explains that they will lower the oxygen in the air in the tube and once he's about to pass out they'll turn it back up. And once he's able to catch a breath, they'll lather rinse and repeat for an indefinite amount of time. By the way, he says, Wade is seriously deluded if he thought he was coming to this place to be turned into a superhero because, you know, they don't do that with guys like him. They're going to turn him into someone's pet mutant and they don't care if his owner uses him to go after terrorists or just regular citizens. He closes the tube, turns off the oxygen and watches Wade choke for a couple seconds before leaving the room. We zoom in on Wade's skin turning into what we've seen of his present Deadpool state while he voiceovers that he takes back what he said about this being a love story. Obviously it's actually a horror movie.

We smash to black and go to sometime later when Francis returns and opens the tube. He announces that he seems to have cured Wade's cancer because the mutant cells are attacking the cancer cells as fast as they form. But that's more of a side effect than anything, so...he's just going to keep going because he's having fun. Cool? Angel reaches into the tube and Wade headbutts her. Francis stops her before she can do anything to retaliate and sends her away. She pulls a match out of her pocket to put in her mouth so we realize what Wade just did there.

Francis shuts him back in the tube and he coughs up the stolen match, spitting it into his hand. He lights it with his thumbnail and tosses it at the oxygen vent. It almost goes out, then sparks and sends flame shooting all the way down the line to the oxygen tanks, blowing the whole lab. Francis comes down from whatever loft he apparently sleeps in to put out the fire and notices the tube is empty a second before Wade clocks him. They fight for a while amid burning rubble, Wade's hospital gown catching fire in a couple places. He's impervious to it though and just rips the whole gown off and the cameraman has to carefully angle every shot of the rest of this fight. Francis taunts that Wade doesn't really want to kill him because he's the only one who can fix him now. Wade just keeps fighting until Francis runs him through with a pole.
Diandra: andnotinafunway, ha, beat you to it.
Chrissy: Not sure I'd be proud of that, but okay.

Actually, I take back what I said about the cameraman being very careful because you can totally see everything here. Not necessarily clearly, but...
Chrissy: But about equivalent to Viggo Mortensen in that one scene in Eastern Promises.
Diandra: ..........um...yeah, okay.
Chrissy: You haven't seen that?
Diandra: No. Any good?
Chrissy: Honestly, I don't remember anything other than that one scene.
Francis bends the end of the pole so it won't come out that way and bends down to taunt "what's my name?" Then he walks away, leaving the whole place to fall apart around Wade and everyone else still alive, including Cunningham, who makes eye contact with Wade for a second before passing out.

Sometime later, after the whole place has totally burned down, Wade crawls out of the ashes as his voiceover explains that he didn't just get the cure for cancer. He got the cure for anything that might try to kill him.

So he finds Vanessa and follows her down a busy street until he realizes the looks of horror everyone who can see his face are giving him. So he goes to the bar instead to talk to Weasel, who insists it can't be THAT bad. If she loves him, she won't care what he looks like, right? Wade pulls down the hood on his hoodie so Weasel can get a good look and Weasel is like 'OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S CREATURE FUCKED QUASIMODO.' Actually, he says it looks like an avocado hate-fucked an older, grosser avocado, but...
Emilio: Your version is better.
Diandra: Thank you.
Wade reiterates that the only one who can fix it is the asshole who ran that "mutant factory" and he disappeared so clearly his new mission is to hunt him down. Weasel is like 'or you could start a new career starring in horror movies' because he looks like "Freddy Krugger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah." You had that in the barrel and you led with the avocado thing?
Chrissy: Gotta warm up first.

Wade is like 'yeah, so as I was saying...' He plans to track down Francis' crew until one of them tells him where he can find the fucker and then he'll shoot him in the face and stick his dick through the hole. Weasel is like 'I am never letting that mental picture see the light of day, thanks.' But, he points out the guy thinks Wade is dead, right? He should keep it that way. "What, like, wear a mask?" Weasel says YES ALL THE TIME AND FOR MORE THAN THAT REASON. Sorry, but seriously you are ugly and will die alone. Assuming you can die now. Wade is like 'thanks, buddy, I'm so glad we had this talk.' Weasel says all he needs now is a name to go by and he throws out several terrible ones before realizing this situation has insured he'll never win the dead pool now. Wade is like 'hey...I have an idea...'

So we montage him experimenting with costume ideas and working his way through goons to find Francis, keeping track on a stalker wall. And realizing what he pointed out during the fight earlier: that white is not a good color to wear if he's going to be bleeding a lot. He's at a laundromat, scrubbing at the red-brown outfit when a blind lady recommends using seltzer and lemon to remove blood stains. "Or wear red. Dumbass."

So he has an early prototype of his recognizable red costume for the next goon hunt. And then, quickly, we montage over him making improvements as he keeps going through the goon network. One goon he decides to dispatch in the most ridiculous way possible: by running him over with a zamboni. Which takes forever because it's a zamboni ("tell me where your boss is or you're gonna die! In five minutes!"). And when he reaches one female goon he agonizes over whether hitting her is sexist or not hitting her is EVEN MORE sexist and WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE?! He seems to settle for shooting her off camera because we cut away before he pulls the trigger.

He finally finds the agent who gave him the phone number, who he calls Jared, not because that's his name but because he is COMMITTED to this running gag about him looking like a pedophile. "I'll take the foot long," he says. If you don't know who Jared from Subway is...just...Google it. Or, better yet, don't. He dispatches the agent's guards (pretty gruesomely as I'm pretty sure he just sliced that one guy in half, but I'm not going back to check) and chases the agent out onto the street, slamming him into a parked car. He reminds the agent of those 41 confirmed kills he had back in special forces and updates him on his current number, which with him will make an even 90. The agent is like '....Wade? You're still alive?' Deadpool says only on the outside. Agent says this won't end well for him, will it? Deadpool says uh...no. Then he reaches over to tilt the camera away while he gets Agent to give him his answer and we watch the horrified passerbys faces as he says "this little piggy went to..." followed by crunching sounds and screaming.

So with this information, he flags down a taxi sometime later and Dopinder pulls up and he turns to the camera and notes that we're all caught up now. We fast forward through the fight scenes we've already seen and inexplicably stop for a moment on him jerking off while clutching a stuffed unicorn so he can yell "whoops! You weren't meant to see that..." and end with him landing in the back of the truck after sawing off his hand. We can now see it is a garbage truck. He climbs out when it stops in an alley and offers the drivers the seltzer and lemon tip for getting any blood out of their...garbage. He talks directly to the camera as he finds a towel to wrap around his stump like he's doing an infomercial. "Some kinds of anger can be managed. Like the kind where your year long plan ends with the WRONG GUY GETTING DISMEMBERED. That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. And I share that home with someone you've met. The old blind lady from the laundromat, Al." We flash back to sometime later in that scene, apparently, where she is muttering that she misses cocaine. Wade points to her and says "her. [gasp] Fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break! That's like [visibly tries to do math in his head] 16 walls!"
Chrissy: Nooooooooon, je ne regrette rieeeeeeeeeeeeen.
Diandra: No.

Back in the present, he says it turns out she's Robin to his Batman. Except, you know, for being old blind and female. And black. And she might be in love with him. Wait, no, that doesn't contradict the Batman and Robin thing because we all KNOW Robin totally had the hots for Batman. He knocks on the door and she grabs her cane and goes to answer it, but trips on a Roomba that darts across her path. He just bursts in, announces that it smells like old lady in here and exchanges his shoes for a pair of bright blue crocs. She notes that at least being blind has spared her knowing what he looks like wearing those travesties. "You mean my big rubber masturbating shoes?"
Emilio: Ah, yeah. Glad to be spared THAT image too.
Chrissy: Though the sounds might be worse.
Actually, she says that IS the downside of being blind: her hearing is REALLY good.
Chrissy: Nobody needs to hear your fantasies about "Pulverine" and why you started using that as his nickname.
Diandra: Because he doesn't have to worry that Logan's claws might accidentally activate at an inopportune moment?
Chrissy: .....ew, no. That is not at ALL where I was going with that. What is wrong with you?
Emilio: Hey, he's probably into a little pain.

He flops on the floor and says what she apparently recognizes as a code: "sit on a stick." Then he asks how that Kullen is going because "IKEA doesn't assemble itself." She says it's fine and much better than the Hurdal. He snorts that that's not saying much because "I'd have taken a Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal." There's some incredibly specific nerdiness going on in the dialogue here and I shudder to think of how many IKEA catalogs the writers went through to come up with it. She asks for a screw and he fires back "here? Now? Just kidding, I know it's been decades." She's like 'oh, you think so, huh?' She finishes putting together what looks like a chest of drawers, says "ta da" and sits in her chair. And the whole thing immediately collapses. "I wish I'd never heard of Craigslist," she mutters. He asks if she's rather pay the rent while HE puts the furniture together. She asks why he's such a dick today. He summarizes that he ALMOST caught the guy who turned him into a circus freak today, but failed and now he can't be made hot again and go back to his hot fiancee. Oh, and stop the guy from doing this to somebody else. That's probably important too.
Emilio: Eh.

Francis meets up with Angel and whatever other goons he has in a shady warehouse somewhere and tells them who the red suited weirdo turns out to be. Angel stitches up his sword wound, which he notes is where his ability isn't quite as great as Wade's, though at least he doesn't have to hide his hideous face. Angel says okay, so how do they kill him if he can heal so well, exactly? Francis says he can't heal if there isn't enough of him left TO heal.

Back at the apartment, Wade moans and Al asks if he needs some Tylenol PM. He says fuck that, he took some percocet. "I'm orbiting fucking Saturn right now." She sits on the couch beside him and he uses her as a body pillow, reaching up with a newly grown baby hand growing from the stump to stroke her face. She shrugs off that weirdness and says his mood is never going to get any better until he finds this woman of his and tells her how he feels. He starts to use the 'but I'm a hideous monster' excuses again and she reminds him that looks aren't everything. "You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method," he snorts.
Emilio: Obviously not.
Diandra: Hey now. At least he can act, which is more than I can say for the other Ryan.
Chrissy: Except that one was nominated for an Oscar, wasn't he?
Diandra: Wasn't that around the same time they gave one to Casey Affleck over Denzel Washington? Yeah, I'm starting to have doubts about the Academy voters' abilities to recognize acting ability. Also, he doesn't have to be Oscar caliber to be better at emoting that a department store mannequin that somehow gained sentience.

Al still thinks love is blind. Wade thinks it definitely is not. Al is like 'so you're just going to give up?' He says no, he's going to work up a new plan, but...he just realized how big his dick is going to look compared to this tiny baby hand, so she may want to clear the room.

Francis and Angel go to the bar to ask Weasel for tips on how to contact Wade Wilson. Weasel claims not to recognize that name. Angel rips the picture of Wade and Vanessa off his wall behind the bar and hands it to Francis. Then she lifts Weasel by the throat and everyone else in the bar cocks guns and aims them at Francis. Francis tells her she can stand down because they have what they need. Weasel is like really? Because they look like they could use some clothes that didn't scream "goth". "Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II," he tosses out as they leave the bar.
Chrissy: I mean, it's not as good as Blade III, but they can't all have Ryan Reynolds.
Once they're gone, he retreats to the bar phone to call Wade.

And we cut to an unmasked, hoodied Wade stomping down the street with Weasel beside him, muttering that he can't believe he has to do this. Weasel asks what he's going to say to her. Wade, possibly not paying attention to the question, spits "fuck me." Weasel says he might want to lead up to that. They enter a strip club where Stan Lee is announcing dancers to the stage. Weasel asks how Wade knows she's here. Wade says because he stalks her. He passes all the naked dancers on stage and the music fades out as he finds Vanessa filling her waitress tray with drinks at the bar. He hesitates, then walks right past her because he is a giant coward.

He goes right into the bathroom and tries to psych himself up by talking to his reflection, reminding himself that he's here to save her. "Maximum effort!"

So what is probably Vanessa's floor supervisor calls her over to tell her some old boyfriend "out back" wants to see her. She goes out to the rainy alley behind the club where...someone we are clearly supposed to think is Wade is hiding in the shadows. He starts toward her and we see Francis beneath the hood a second before he smarms "you have Wade Wilson to thank for this." She turns to run and Angel knocks her over.

Apparently, Wade is just coming out of the bathroom now. He asks Weasel where Vanessa went.

And by the time he makes it out to the alley, he finds nothing but his Bernadette Peters coin purse that she has apparently been using.

Back at his...lair...Weasel tries to get him to calm down while he screams and raves. His phone rings with a text from Francis telling him where he can find Vanessa and signing off with the poop emoji. Wade yells that he needs "all the guns." So we montage them (Al included) assembling an arsenal, which Wade piles into a bag and slaps a copy of the People magazine with Hugh Jackman as sexiest man alive on top of.
Chrissy: Because he doesn't go anywhere without his wank material.
Weasel piles what he says is about 3,000 bullets on top of that and Wade reminds the audience that we've seen what he can do with a whole lot less. Al says she was planning to spend the night putting together another Ikea piece, but this seems more interesting. He orders her to hand over the pistol she apparently keeps strapped to her leg instead. Weasel shakes his hand and says "I'd go with you, but...I don't want to." Wade just nods like 'that's fair.' He leans over to Al and says in case he never sees her again, he just wants her to know how much he loves her. And also that "there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment. Right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck." He leaves before she can rip him a new one.

On a shipping vessel, Angel secures a zip tied Vanessa to a metal beam while she tries to plead with Francis through her duct tape gag. He finally decides she's not going to stop trying and gives Angel the okay to remove the gag. The second she can speak freely, she snaps "thanks, dickless." Francis is like 'yeah, I can see what Wade sees in you.' She says she's been TRYING to tell them that they must have the wrong person because her old boyfriend is dead. Francis says yeah, I thought he was too, but it turns out not so much. "He keeps coming back. Like a cockroach. Only uglier."

Deadpool runs up to what is clearly the mansion Professor X uses for his mutant school. Negasonic opens the door before he can knock. "Ripley from Aliens 3," he says. She sneers that he's SO OLD. He laughs sarcastically and orders her to "go get Silver Balls" because that bad guy they let escape from him just kidnapped his girlfriend and they are going to FIX IT. He says he'll wait out here for Colossus, then notes how weird it is that he only ever sees the two of them. "It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man."

And then he's in the taxi with Dopinder again, finishing whatever insane ramble he just went on with "and that is why the movie Cocoon is pure pornography." Dopinder is like 'yeah, so as I was asking a half hour ago before you went on that tangent for some reason, what's with the big metal guy?' Because Colossus and Negasonic are crammed into the back of the cab this time. Deadpool says he's doing him a favor in exchange for Deadpool considering joining his club. Changing subjects, he asks if Dopinder has had any luck getting his own girl back. He says nah, the other guy - Bandhu - trying to win her over is smarter and hotter. They go over a pothole and a man screams. There's a long moment of silence before Deadpool asks what that was. Dopinder says yeah, um...that was Bandhu because it turns out he's not quite smart enough to avoid being kidnapped and thrown in a trunk. Because he plans to take Deadpool's advice and "gut him like a tandoori fish and dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep." Deadpool shrieks in Colossus' direction that something got lost in translation because he DID NOT TELL HIM TO DO THAT. He then gives alternating messages to Dopinder at full volume and in a stage whisper. "THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO WIN GITA'S HEART BACK i'm so proud of you DROP BANDU OFF SAFE AND GENTLE-LIKE kill him AND THEN WIN GITA BACK THE OLD FASHIONED WAY: WITH YOUR BOYISH CHARM kidnap her."

They pull up to the dock and Dopinder is like 'I suppose I'm getting paid in a high five again'. Deadpool is like 'I'm feeling generous, so...double high five!' Then he whispers "you know what to do" and makes a throat cutting gesture. The three mutants do a partial slow motion walk to rap music toward the ship until Negasonic asks where Deadpool's duffle bag is. You know, the one with all the guns and the wank magazine.

So Deadpool calls Dopinder, which distracts him so he doesn't see the truck pulling in front of him and has to slam on the brakes, forcing the guy behind him to rear end him, which makes Bandu scream even louder. He doesn't get a chance to answer, so Deadpool concludes he's going to have to do this the old fashioned way: "two swords and maximum effort." He gives the music editor the cue to start the rap music again and they continue their "bad ass" walk to the ship, stopping when they are greeted by a bunch of armed men. Francis calls Wade's real name from up on the deck and asks "what's my name" like he is determined to make this his thing.
Chrissy: It's going to be my safeword from now on is what it is.

Angel steps beside Francis and he greenlights her to go "get some". Deadpool starts excitedly yipping that she's going to do a superhero landing. Sure enough, she jumps down, landing in the one-knee-one-hand on the ground pose that apparently started with an Iron Man comic and everyone has to do now. Deadpool applauds and notes that that is completely impractical and really hard on the knees, but they all do it anyway.
Chrissy: But we will single out Widow for adding a hair flip because of course all female superheroes have to have the added impracticality of long hair waving in their eyes while they're fighting.
Diandra: Hmm, yes. Because as we learned, a female super cutting her hair signals to the dudebros that she is a lesbian.

Deadpool stops talking to the audience as Angel stomps toward him, saying sorry, but he's saving himself for Francis and she's going to have to do with a substitute. Colossus approaches, babbling that he doesn't like to hit women, so...she hits him so hard he flies several dozen yards. Deadpool is like 'okay, well, at least I have backup.' He looks at Negasonic, who is on her phone. He says by all means, finish that tweet. She flings her phone aside and starts running, a ball of flame appearing around her and slams Angel into a shipping container. Her outfit turns into her classic X-Men costume, presumably. Angel orders the soldiers to fire and Deadpool and Negasonic dive behind some metal. Colossus just walks through it, grabbing an enormous tire and flinging it at two of the shooters. Then he and Deadpool have the uncensored version of the Stony spat from Ultron.
Deadpool: Finish fucking her the fuck up!
Colossus: Language, please!
Deadpool: SUCK A COCK.
Angel bodyslams Colossus over to a different area of the docks and they continue their fight away from everyone else.

Deadpool tells Negasonic to look away and then apparently pulls his white underwear out through his unitard. He puts it on a stick and waves it until the shooters stop firing. He says he's giving them a chance to lay down their weapons and they will be granted leniency. The shooting recommences immediately. So, he goes running out to pick them off with swords and whatever other sharp implements he has strapped to him. Angel and Colossus are still fighting. Because there's really no way for either of them to win this.

Deadpool is still stabbing, spearing and beheading. Negasonic fires up her power to make a van slide sideways into a wall, crushing a couple guys.

Colossus does the same move on Angel that Hulk used on Loki and tosses her behind a pile of rubble.

Deadpool goes to kill a goon and stops. "Bob?" Bob pulls his face mask down and says "Wade?" Apparently they met at a TGIFridays in Jacksonville. Deadpool feights like he's going to hug Bob and headbutts him unconscious instead. Then he continues babbling to nobody about Bob's kids and wife and his wife's tuna casserole while he drags him away.

Colossus finds Angel with her left boob popping out of her top. He makes a show of averting his eyes so she can fix it and she thanks him before punching him in the dick, sending him flying again.

Francis drags Vanessa to the edge of the ship deck to see Deadpool has spelled "Francis" with dead bodies on the dock. Unimpressed, he has the men who are still with him open fire. Deadpool dives for cover. Negasonic calls to him from where she has crouched beneath a big hunk of metal and tells him to climb on top of it. He does a gymnastics routine to get to it, dodging explosions. She goes nuclear and launches him right up onto the deck of the ship, screaming like a little girl. By the time he pulls himself upright, he finds Francis standing next to a familiar looking tube propped upright and now containing Vanessa. He tells her not to worry, oh, and she was right about red being his color, obviously. At this confirmation that he is really alive, she yells at him for leaving her. Francis tells her to take a breath, then laughs at his own terrible joke there and activates the tube. Then he picks up some long handled axes and says "I hear you grow back body parts, Wade. When I'm finished, parts will have to grow back you." Deadpool takes a moment to look at the camera and acknowledge that that was a good one before launching into the fight.

One sword spears the tube, messing up the pressures and giving Vanessa air. Francis axes Deadpool in the back. Deadpool spears right through Francis' leg into a shipping container and he just cuts the handle off and drives the blade all the way through.

Angel gets a rope around Colossus' neck and starts choking him out.

Vanessa works one of her hands free.

Now that they've both lost their weapons, Francis mutters "fine...fists." Deadpool reflexively quips that that sounds like his last Saturday night.
Chrissy: No, wait...it was MY Saturday night. Never mind.
They get a few blows in before Francis decides that actually, he does have another knife. He drives it into the side of Deadpool's head.

Meanwhile, Vanessa manages to get the sword out (slicing her hands in the process) and pries the tube open. She takes a minute to suck in a few breaths before climbing out, grabbing the sword and running to save Deadpool by driving it totally through Francis. All three of them collapse. Deadpool sees some cartoon characters running around Vanessa while Chicago sings about inspiration. He tries to make a heart with his hands, except it ends up looking more like a box. Then he just makes a ring with the fingers of his left hand and sticks the index finger of his right through it like 'okay, we're done with the mushy crap, let's get to the point'. She calls him an asshole. Francis picks her up and throws her aside. The music warps like it's playing on a cassette deck with a low battery until Deadpool rips the knife out of his head. Then it plays right up until Negasonic jumps Angel (still choking Colossus) and creates a massive fireball.

The explosion sends the whole ship listing, so Deadpool and Francis resume fighting on a tilting deck...
Chrissy: ARE WE HAVING FUN YET, FX PEOPLE?!
...until a loose shipping container knocks Francis right over the side. Deadpool runs to save Vanessa before she goes flying as well. He sees the tube sliding toward them amid the rest of the debris and announces that he has a plan she isn't going to like. He shoves her into the tube a second before they reach the ledge and the tube ends up dangling over it, with him hanging onto the end. He tells a screaming Vanessa not to worry because he's TOTALLY got this.
Emilio: I got it! I got it! I ain't got it.
Diandra: Thanks for that reference.

Colossus is running with both women along the dock.

Deadpool yells "maximum effort" and flings the tube with Vanessa free of the ship as it finally rolls completely onto its side, crushing anything still beneath it.

Black screen. After the dust settles, Negasonic and Colossus find the tube under a pile of rubble and free Vanessa. She has no idea who these weirdos are, but they're obviously the good guys so...

Somewhere up on top of the mountain of debris, Deadpool starts yelling about how AWESOME that was, but is interrupted by Francis barreling into him. Sigh. Yes, I think I understand the frustrations of people who complain about any of these superhero (or similar) movies because it can never end when neither party can DIE. They go tumbling down the debris mountain and Deadpool straddles Francis and repeatedly punches him and breaks both of his arms. Francis laughs, but at least he stops fighting for a minute. Deadpool pants that he is going to FIX this now, gesturing at his face. Francis snorts that he actually thought there was a cure for that. Deadpool whines that after all of this, it turns out he was lying and he can't even fix him? Francis thinks it sounds even dumber when he puts it like that. Deadpool says no, what's stupid is admitting that you can't do the ONE THING that was stopping me from just killing you a long time ago. He pulls out a gun and points it at Francis' forehead, pausing to ask if he has any last words. "What's my name," Francis taunts.

Deadpool cocks the gun, but then Colossus stops him by calling "for or five moments, that's all it takes." Deadpool is like 'and this is about what now?' Colossus rambles about how everyone thinks being a hero is a full time job, but really over an entire lifetime there are "only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend, spare an enemy." Francis stops rolling his eyes as Deadpool seems to be considering this. Colossus keeps rambling "in those moments, everything falls away. The way the world sees us. The way..." Deadpool pulls the trigger and the resulting splatter makes Colossus turn to the side and vomit. "Why," he asks between retches. Deadpool is like 'because I was getting bored of listening to that little speech and, you know, let's face it: I was never going to spare this psycho. And if that means I'm not a superhero then whatever.' "Not everyone monitors a hall like you." But yeah, he'll keep an eye out for the next four moments.

"Now if you'll excuse me. I'm just a boy, about to stand in front of a girl and tell her...what the FUCK am I gonna tell her?" Colossus stalks away saying he'd better figure it out quick while Vanessa comes up to stand beside Deadpool. He turns to her and she doesn't even give him a chance to say a word before she starts punching. He admits he deserved those blows, but stops her when she takes aim at his crotch. He babbles that he's sorry for everything. For leaving. For not "cowboying up" sooner. But these last couple years have been really rough. She scoffs at his choice in vocabulary. So he does the whole competition to see who has had it worse thing again. He says he's living in a crackhouse with a family of twelve and they have to all spoon together for warmth and it's a competition to see who can get the fattest (AKA warmest) one. And they have to share everything including dental floss and condoms. She's quiet for a minute before taking the bait and noting that at least he lives in a house.

He says seriously, he knows he should have come back to her sooner, but he's just SO hideous now. She wouldn't even recognize him. She reaches to take the mask off and he flinches at first, then lets her. She frowns as it comes off to reveal the cover photo of Hugh Jackman from that People magazine tapped to his face with the eyes cut out so he can see through it.
Chrissy: I would have used the one of Ryan Reynolds, but fuck that guy.
Emilio: He would, actually.
Chrissy: Fuck him?
Emilio: Yes.
Diandra: Yeah, I would bet money there were already fanfics about that back then.
Chrissy: How much would you be willing to bet that at least one of them has Deadpool wearing that mask?
Diandra: I would be willing to bet one of them has Ryan stealing a better Hugh mask from his wife for Deadpool to wear.
Emilio: Okay, if that one doesn't exist, I think you should write it.

Vanessa tries to gently tug the tape off and he coaches her to rip it like a bandaid between "ows". Then he stops her before she can pull it entirely and asks if she's sure. She says yes, pulls it off and takes a step back, mouth falling open. "Wow," she mutters. He's like 'yeah, I'm hideous.' She peels some remaining tape from his chin and says it will only take a bit of adjustment and some alcohol, but..."it's a face I'd be happy to sit on." He says she'll probably really like some of the other changes not related to his face then because "super penis". Colossus cuts in to remind him that there is a CHILD present. Wade is like 'what the fuck are you guys still doing here? Have you just been watching this whole exchange? Perverts.' He tells Colossus to go do something useful like "tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn" and turns to Negasonic and says "nothing compares 2 U. Sinead O'Connor, 1990. Sorry" like no, he really doesn't have an off switch. She shrugs and says it's okay "you're cool." He splutters that she actually said something NICE to him.

Colossus swears they will make an X-Man out of him one day as he and Negasonic leave. Once they are out of earshot, Wade turns back to Vanessa and announces that they've come to "the moment I've all been waiting for." That was not a typo. Vanessa kisses him and "Careless Whisper" starts playing faintly. She pulls back and frowns and he holds up his phone, which is playing the song like 'I believe I mentioned how much I love Wham!?' She kisses him again and the camera pulls back while the voice over says it turns out he didn't even need to be a superhero to "get the girl" because "the right girl will bring out the superhero in you." Then he starts directing the cameraman to "pull out" and sidelines that that will be the only "pulling out" happening tonight. Because of course he does. "Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singin'..." and then he sings a couple lines with George Michael in a ridiculous falsetto and we go to credits.

There's some gags throughout involving a cartoon version of Deadpool running around, ducking an anthropomorphized heart at a urinal, getting an erection as the actors' names scroll by and he notes how hot they are and riding a unicorn whose horn he strokes until it shoots rainbows and craps money. And then, after the last of the credits scrolls by, we have a little recreation of the end credit scene in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" with Deadpool in a bathrobe telling the audience that the show is over and they can go home. Then he realizes we're expecting a teaser for the sequel. "Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up with an eye patch and a saucy little leather number?" He makes one last shoo gesture and disappears through the door at the end of the hall.
Chrissy: And he just clued us in to what his new wank material is going to look like.
The screen goes black again for a second and then he comes back out into the hall to say that actually there is ONE secret he can spill: the sequel is gonna have Cable. And if you don't know who that is, you should look it up because he's an awesome time traveling badass with a bionic arm. They don't know who is going to play him, but it will be a big guy with a flat top. "Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Kiera Knightly. She's got range, who knows?"
Chrissy: We would say Josh Brolin, but he's already playing Thanos, so...
Diandra: Aaaaaand on that note...
Emilio: Are you ready for Endgame now? Did this help?
Diandra: I don't know if I'll ever be ready, but I'll do it anyway.
Chrissy: Atta girl.