Deadpool 2

"Deadpool 2"

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Josh Brolin, Morena Baccarin, Zazie Beetz, Julian Dennison, Leslie Uggams and as little of T.J. Miller as they could get away with

With cameos by: Terry Crews, Brad Pitt, Bill Skarsgard, Alan Tudyk, Matt Damon and Hugh Jackman (although that one probably doesn't technically count)

Welcome to the fun antidote to "Endgame". I'm going to start by doing something I didn't do for the first movie: addressing some of the extras going in. Specifically, a couple trailers that are on the DVD.

One of them is a pretty standard preview, but veers off when Deadpool stops the playback on a shot of Josh Brolin as Cable before the FX were added so his arm is wrapped in green screen material. He yells at "Dale" about the effects still not being done because "it's a metal arm! It's not like we're trying to remove a MUSTACHE!" This is one of those timely jokes that probably didn't make sense to everybody even at the time of the whole CGI mustache removal debacle because that was in the other comic book universe. But I love it.

The other is a tribute to Bob Voss, the former drill sargent who spent his second career painting happy little trees on public television. It really sets the tone for the movie so well that a snippet of it remains in the opening menu of the DVD. Deadpool, with jeans and a white shirt over his leotard and with a curly wig does his best impression of Bob's voice as he points out the color names of the paints he will be using scrolling on the bottom of the screen. The colors include Clockwork Orange, Soylent Green, Doc Brown, Yellow Snow and Betty White (the last of which he pronounces with an exaggerated H sound like Stewie Griffin saying cool whip). He wets a paintbrush and beats it against the easel "like it owes you money". He paints a big swath of yellow across the "sky" and then after a camera cut there is a whole finished painting of a snowy mountain scene behind him that has absolutely no yellow in it. He looks at it and says "sweet baby Jesus, wish I could jump in there and roll around in all that cascading white powder. Yeah. Just get high on all of life's splendor. God, I love cocaine." The painting changes again and he adds "holy fuckknuckles, I am high as a kite right now." He starts painting a "happy little tree" into the new scene as he advises against eating the paints. Then he announces he's going to "whack off" again and slaps the brush against the easel so enthusiastically that it flies right out of his hand.

After a few quick shots from the actual movie, we return to him standing in front of a Norman Rockwell-esque Thanksgiving scene of all the major characters in the movie. He gives a little sign off "remember kids: hugs, not drugs!" and we go to some absolutely bullshit credits that include "Chief Engineer: Geordie LaForge", "Lighting: Tom Edison" and "Boom: Goes the Dynamite". This might be my favorite movie preview ever.

Okay. Joining me for what is bound to be ANOTHER overkill of a recap is both Christine "Chrissy" Anscher and Emilio Taylor, coming right off of finishing our recap of Endgame and still a little bit drunk.

Chrissy: Some of us more than others. [hic]

We still use the old opening card of flipping pages without Michael Giacchino's music in these movies apparently. And after that one card, we go right to Wade, face only half covered by the Deadpool mask, smoking a cigarette. He winds up a "music box" that commemorates Wolverine's death scene at the end of "Logan" and sets it on the table, pressing the branch sticking out of Logan's chest to make it play. It rotates while playing a music box version of "All Out of Love" by Air Supply.

This switches to the actual song on the soundtrack as he circles the room, flicking a knife stuck in the wall, knocking over a row of glasses and turning on all the burners and oven, making sure the gas is flowing. He cooks a toaster pastry, acts like he's maybe going to eat it and flings it across the room instead. He looks moonily at a wall of pictures of him (mostly pre-disfigurement) with Vanessa, then lays on a bunch of barrels of combustible liquid sitting in the middle of the apartment and flicks the cigarette into one. "Fuck, Wolverine," his voiceover says as body parts and a blue croc fly amid the fireball.

Chrissy: Yeah, you'd love to, wouldn't you?
Diandra: I believe we have already established that, yes.

No, he accuses Logan of "riding my coattails" with an R rating in a largely PG-13 universe and then upping the ante by dying. "Well guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one too!"

We go to an establishing shot of Hong Kong while he says he needs to go back six weeks to explain why he just did that. He was in Hong Kong because he started getting international hit jobs. "People nobody would touch. Except me. I'm gonna touch them all over." He calls a guy he exposits is a sex trafficer. The goon says in subtitled Cantonese that he'll double whatever they're paying him. Deadpool says yeah, I don't speak Cantonese. I can't even read your name on this business card I used to track you down. "But I took eighth grade Spanish so...donde esta la biblioteca?" He translates this as "I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker." He tosses the phone he's using and jumps from the roof he's standing on across the street and through the window into the bar the sex trafficer is in. A bunch of other goons pull their guns and he starts counting them in Spanish, getting to four before they shoot. He dives behind the bar and tells the cowering bartender that he'll take a cranberry grapefruit vodka. "I know it's called a Sea Breeze. Don't make me say it."

Chrissy: Oh, you'll say "give me a blowjob", but this is where you draw the line?
Emilio: Yeah, usually.

He says "hit it, Dolly" to the camera and jumps back over the bar and takes out all the goons while "9 to 5" plays on the soundtrack. The song continues as he crashes a funeral in Sicily to take out one of the mourners and Tokyo where he dismembers a bunch of guys in a bathhouse. He stops, shrieking "time out" and splashing water on his face because he got "bad guy blood" in his eye. He wipes his face with a cloth that turns out to belong to another goon's underwear and he looks at the guy's dick and asks "scoutmaster Kevin?" Because we never get tired of the child molester jokes, apparently. The music starts again as he launches right back into fighting.

All this is lead up to some guy named Sergei that he's after back home. We focus on Sergei running from Deadpool, who is distracted by a bunch of goons jumping in his way. He voiceovers that "you" are probably thinking that you are SO glad you left the kids at home right about now. But joke's on you because the babysitter is "high as fuck" and this is actually a family film. "And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. 'Bambi'. 'The Lion King'. 'Saw 7'." Somebody on fire runs screaming through the background and Deadpool laughs "holy shit pickles. That's not CGI, folks."

Sergei runs into a panic room and closes the door. Deadpool uses a can as a step stool so he can wipe blood from the lens of the camera outside and yells "really?" He asks if Sergei can get out here already because it's his anniversary and he really needs to finish up here. A bunch more goons with guns appear at the end of the hallway he just slashed down.

And we cut to a taxi waiting outside. Because Dopinder is back and Deadpool apparently told him to wait for him. He's listening to some sort of self help...thing...and doesn't hear Deadpool screaming "start the car" as he's running toward the taxi, followed by a mob of bad guys. He dives through the (not open) back window and Dopinder screams and peels away. "I shit my pants," he moans when they are a safe distance from the goons. Deadpool says that might have been him, actually.

Chrissy: Either that or it's an open gut wound. Same difference.

Dopinder asks if he accomplished his mission then. Deadpool says only "in a George W. sort of way" because he left the guy in the panic room back there.

Emilio: Ha.
Diandra: Yeah, we can laugh about him now. I don't know if we'll ever be able to laugh about the other one.

Dopinder says Deadpool is "living the dreams". Deadpool agrees and says he's now being talked about in the same sentence as Jesus. Then he has to turn to the camera to explain how that makes sense because, see, the first movie grossed ALMOST as much as Mel Gibson's torture porn opus domestically. "We beat them overseas where there's no such thing as religion." Or where there isn't enough conservative Christians to rent out megachurches for screenings. Whatever.

Dopinder says he wishes he could "live the dreams" because being a taxi driver is not as glamorous as it looks. Deadpool climbs through the plastic divider as he asks what Dopinder's vice is: coke? Not being able to get an erection without buying shoes online? "I've never experienced that last one."

Emilio: I have...questions...but I don't think I want them answered.

Dopinder says he wants to BELONG to something. Deadpool soberly says "the depth of your heart is extraordinary" and agrees that everybody needs to belong - to have a place in the world to call home and...Dopinder interrupts that he wants to be a contract killer too. Deadpool is like 'what now?' Dopinder reminds him of how he kidnapped that guy in the last movie and that was never actually resolved but apparently he did kill him at some point. "And then remember the movie 'Interview with the Vampire'," he seemingly non sequitrs. "Don't want to," Deadpool fires back. Dopinder continues anyway: "when Tom Cruise fed ten year old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said 'I want some more'?"

Chrissy: Okay, where do you want to start unpacking that?
Diandra: I think the question isn't "where" so much as it is "when" and the only possible answer is "never".

Deadpool stares at the camera while Dopinder rambles about how he is a ten year old Kirsten Dunst. Deadpool is like 'thanks, I'm never going to get that image out of my head now.' "But I can't wait to never speak of this as soon as possible." They arrive outside the apartment and Dopinder calls "you're my Tom Cruise," as Deadpool flees the taxi. Now, my first instinct was to say that Dopinder was wrong and it was Louis (Brad Pitt) who turned Kirsten's character into a vampire, not Lestat, but the more I think about it... Yeah, Louis flaked and couldn't follow through and Lestat had to finish her off.

Emilio: Which is funny because I'm pretty sure it would actually be Tom who would have that problem in real life.
Chrissy: Oh, dear god, what is happening. Okay, first of all...bad, Emilio! Bad! Second...I would question why your memory of THIS is so much better than anything else, Dee, but I suspect I know the answer. How many times did you see "Interview with the Vampire?"
Diandra: The full version or the TV edit?
Chrissy: [long sigh]
Diandra: Funny story: it was a crush on Tom Cruise that initially brought me to that movie. Somewhere around the fourth viewing or so, I had fully switched teams.
Emilio: You had a crush on Tom Cruise?
Diandra: Briefly. I had crushes on a lot of guys in the 90s. Including, probably, both mains from "Quantum Leap." (RIP Dean Stockwell.)
Chrissy: Ah, yes. Your favorite time travel show that somehow wasn't mentioned during "Endgame".
Diandra: I'm pretty sure I did mention it.
Emilio: Yeah, I remember a joke when they were planning the time heist.
Diandra: See, this is why I invite Emilio to recaps now. He is my memory keeper.

Wade runs into the apartment, mask off, to find Vanessa waiting. He apologizes for being late, but there were these handicapped children stuck in a tree... She stops him like 'try again.' He says he was fighting a capped bad ass "but then we discovered his mom is named Martha too!" And if you got the CGI mustache reference in the preview, you will get that one.

Emilio: You should recap those movies.
Diandra: NO! NononononononoNONONONONONonononONOnonoNonononoNO!

She doesn't buy that one either. He tries "traffic?" She laughs and orders him to kiss her. She vaults into his arms and they kiss like they're trying to choke each other with their tongues while Aha's "Take On Me" plays faintly.

She asks if he wants his surprise now. They trade small boxes and he says "happy anniversary" as she climbs on the counter to open hers. It's a skee ball token, which she recognizes as being a souvenir from their first date. She presses it to her lips and vows to keep it forever. He opens his box to find an IUD, which he starts to describe as beautiful before admitting he has no idea what it is. She tells him and he asks if that's some sort of bomb. She calls him an idiot and says it's the thing that WAS stopping him from getting her knocked up. He figures out what she's getting at gets excited and jumps right to "I want a boy! Or a little girl! Definitely one of the other!" And he wants the kid to have only one name "like Cher or Todd."

Chrissy: I would try to link this to the whole one name conversation from "Doctor Strange", but I'm too busy trying to figure out the Todd thing.

And then sometime later they're watching Yentl for some reason and Wade is asking if "Papa Can You Hear Me" sounds familiar.

Chrissy: We're just doing this to weird out Josh.

Vanessa is distracted, coming up with baby names. Wade turns focus and talks about how weird it is that he's talking about starting a family when his was so shitty, like, he doesn't have any role models to work from for Todd. Who Vanessa just said will actually be named Connor, but whatever. She says first of all, he is not his father and second "I will never ever let our child be named Todd." He reminds her of the lesson from Star Wars: that men are always destined to become just like their fathers. And possibly have sex with their sisters. "I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie," Vanessa says. And he's still confusing "New Hope" with "Empire Strikes Back". But whatever. Kids are an opportunity to do better. Be better. He says she's "a lot smarter than I look." He invites her to go get the strap-on and they can try to make a "super baby". She's like 'and speaking of things you didn't learn in grade school...'

Chrissy: Hey, this could be an Omegaverse! You never know.
Diandra: Um...yeah, you do know. Have you ever actually read Omegaverse?
Chrissy: It's basically mpreg with Pon Farr rules, right?
Diandra: Okay, I'm just going to send you some links later.

He goes to put some toaster strudels in the toaster oven and stands in front of it while it ticks and she rattles off a few more names. Apparently, Krystal would be destined to become a stripper and Earl would end up in jail (and then spend a few years atoning for everything he ever did to anybody). He hears a creak out in the hall and tells her to get down. A couple goons come through the door shooting and she dives behind the couch while he goes after them with a frying pan and a wooden block full of knives. When they're all down, he finds Vanessa behind the couch, shaken but still alive and unhurt. He holds up the last thing in the block and says "thank god I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader!" And then someone else comes into the doorway and he tosses the spreader at him. It embeds in the door frame just as the guy shoots. In slow motion, Wade dives for Vanessa, but the bullet gets there first and he just catches her as she falls. He cries and yells without sound as the pool of blood spreads over her heart. The toaster dings and he jumps out the window in full rage mode, landing on a car and chasing the goon - who apparently turned tail immediately - down the alley. Wade's pursuit is slowed when he is hit by a car coming out onto the street. The goon leaps into his own car and peels away, getting into an accident immediately. Wade charges, screaming, and knocks him completely from the car like some sort of human wrecking ball. Then he picks him up and this movie's title theme by Celine Dion starts playing. He hugs the goon and starts dancing with him down the street in the rain until they are hit by a passing truck.

The song continues over the "credits" that are even less actual credits than the ones for the first movie. "A film by: Wait a Minute!" "Produced by: did you just kill her?" and "presented by: what the fuck?" This song, by the way, is simultaneously so out of place and entirely perfect. It comes with another extra I forgot to mention: a music video that is somehow devoid of Celine's usual chest thumping entirely where she is accompanied by a string orchestra and SOMEONE dancing around her in a Deadpool suit and high heels (I think it's Ryan when Celine isn't on the stage and a professional dancer when she is). At the end of it, Ryan (in the suit) calls from the theater control area that that was amazing but "we need to do it again" because this is the theme for Deadpool 2, not Titanic and she's singing at a level of eleven when they only need, like, a five. "Just phone it in." She snaps that she only goes to eleven so "beat it, Spiderman."

The actual credits (or as close to them as we're gonna get here) are "someone who hates sharing the spotlight" as written by "the real villains" and directed by "one of the guys who killed the dog in John Wick". The images in the sequence mostly look like a James Bond tribute, but at one point Deadpool is doing the Flashdance pose while bullets fall on him.

We come back to him flipping the skee ball token in his hands absently as he tearfully realizes that the reason "Papa Can You Hear Me" sounds familiar is that it sounds suspiciously similar to "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" from "Frozen". He sings "Papa Can You Hear Me" a couple more times like 'I am going to totally mess up this crush we all know you have on me, Josh.' It turns out he's back at the bar and Weasel tells him to go home because he's been there for three days now and he smells "like somebody shit in a Civil War wound after it had become gangrenous." Some lady wanders by in the background to announce that she loves "Frozen" like 'okay, give me my SAG card now.' Wade moans that he really loved her. And he LIKED her too. "George Michael was right: I'm never gonna dance again." Then he realizes George is also dead and comes a little more unglued. "At least we still have Bowie." Weasel is like 'uh...sure buddy. We sure do. NOBODY TELL HIM.'

Dopinder is hovering nearby like he's waiting for Wade to finally decide he needs to go somewhere. Or he's in training. Wade says he's fine and falls off his stool drunkenly. The biker dude sitting next to him says yeah, if fine stands for "fucked up, insecure, needy and emotional." He starts a speech about the Kubler Ross model and denial that Wade has to feed him prompts for. "No more speaking lines for you." Wade grumbles.

He sneaks quietly back into the place he shares with Al, pulling up a floorboard under the couch to reveal a hiding place with a gun, a couple bags marked "Wade's cocaine" and a box marked "cure for blindness".

Diandra: You know, one of the advantages of doing these recaps much closer together than the movies were originally released is that you really appreciate the callbacks.
Chrissy: Yeah. You actually have a chance of remembering things that happened in the first movie.
Diandra: You know...

He takes one of the bags of cocaine and replaces the board and couch just as Al comes over to sit. "I'm thinking it over," he starts. She yells "MOTHERFUCK" and pulls a gun, pointing it past him because...you know...she's blind. She askes if he has some aversion to knocking like a normal person. He moans that he's in SO MUCH PAIN and falls dramatically on the floor. She sobers and says she heard the news and she's sorry. He asks what he's going to do now. "Probably something terrible." He rambles about how he just wants to see her again and it's all his fault and...Al tells him to speak up because "it's a little hard to hear you with that pity dick in your mouth." She says he just has to keep on living. Wade says thank you, "Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure."

Chrissy: I love how you can never spell that name right without having the IMDb page open WHILE YOU'RE TYPING one letter at a time.
Diandra: Yeah, recapping "We Are Marshall" was fun.

Al ignores him and starts talking about pain being both a history teacher and a fortune teller and it TEACHES US WHO WE ARE, WADE. Sometimes it feels like dying but "we can't really live till we've died a little, can we? Wade? Wade?" He has gotten up and is putting his mask on. He says yeah, that was beautiful. He smacks the bag of cocaine right into his face and coughs as he is covered in powder. He says she was right. Not about all that mushy stuff: about the fact that he's definitely going to do something terrible.

And we're caught up to the firebomb opener, which he claims is a test of the "can't live till we've died" theory. He has flashes of Vanessa as he dies and ends up in a dream like version of their apartment. He bumps into some sort of watery glass barrier as he tries to walk toward her and bangs on it, yelling that he can't get to her.

Emilio: Also, I think my teeth are falling out.
Chrissy: And I'm pretty sure if I go back through that door I'm gonna be in the hallway of my junior high and I'm gonna be naked.
Diandra: This is some very enlightening insight into your psyches.
Chrissy: Zip it, Freud.

She just shakes her head and calls that his heart isn't in the right place. He asks what that means and the toaster dings suddenly as he's yanked back to life.

Colossus gathers all of his body parts in a body bag and drags him to Xavier's mansion, where we are spared the process of all those body parts stitching back together and just fast forward three days to Colossus finding Wade finally awake on the couch he put him on (after dressing him in jeans and a shirt with cats on it). Wade moans about his inability to die. Colossus thinks he needs a fresh start and should really join the X-Men. Wade calls him "Shiny Jesus" and insists he would NOT fit in. He doesn't fit in anywhere, which is why I assume he changed sides halfway through the civil war in the comics. That and the pro registration people tortured him.

Negasonic appears in the doorway to introduce her new girlfriend: a massive Asian teenybopper cliche named Yukio with pink hair and a phone permanently attached to her hand. Wade is surprised anyone would want to date Negasonic. "Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony." He winks at her and she says "I like this guy" through the insane smile permanently plastered to her face. Yeah. Opposites sometimes attract. They leave and Colossus launches into the "ground rules" Wade is going to need for Xavier's mansion. Number one is no killing. Ever. Anyone. Number two is label everything in the refrigerator. Before he can get any further he realizes Wade is already gone.

Turns out he found a motorized chair somewhere and is riding it around, commenting on all the pictures of old white men on the walls and how he feels like he needs a rape whistle. He knocks over a bust and yells "those were already damaged after they fell there!" Colossus catches up to him at the entry and Wade asks where everyone is because the halls are weirdly empty and he's only ever seen Colossus or "Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever." Colossus throws him out of the chair, snapping "enough!" Wade continues that the studio could have thrown them a bone and let them have a cameo by ONE famous X-Man. "How about that putz with the giant pigeon wings?" The camera turns to a different angle and we see the First Class versions of Professor X, Beast, Cyclops, Storm, Nightcrawler and Quicksilver are right in the next room.

Chrissy: Dear god, you didn't even have to look any of those up. What sort of monster have we created with these recaps?
Diandra: That's not the alarming part. The alarming part is that my first though was 'why are THESE versions of the characters in the present timeline?' I mean...Ryan made a point of telling everyone that Wolverine wasn't actually dead yet in Deadpool canon because "Logan" took place in the future, but obviously logical timelines are not more important than a funny gag for these movies and they just used whoever was on the set filming the latest "X-Men" that day. Most of them are hidden under makeup, so they could just be stand ins for anybody and no one outside their immediate family would know, but that is obviously Evan Peters and James McAvoy, so.
Chrissy: ..............you're right. That is more alarming.
Diandra: I blame you.

Wade continues to rant obliviously about how stupid Pigeon Guy's powers are while Beast slowly and quietly closes the door. He says he is NOT X-Men material because..."first off: I'm not even a virgin." Before he can get to his second point, Colossus grabs him by the neck and slams him into a wall and rants about how he could have just LEFT HIM where he found him, but "this is what friends do. We show up. Not when it's convenient or easy, but when it's hard. And you ALWAYS make it hard." Wade looks pointedly at the camera like 'we all know what I'm thinking right now, but I can't say it because I'm being strangled.' Wade finally interrupts, choking out as best he can that one of the guys who killed Vanessa got away. Colossus releases him and says then they can track him down and bring him to justice. Wade says no, because the asshole is HIM. He could kill all the goons, but he is just as much to blame and he CAN'T kill himself. And they were gonna start a FAMILY goddamnit. This kind of feeds into the refrain Colossus has been playing for a while now though as he says "this may not be family you want, but it's family you need." He has a good heart, but it belongs here. Wade is like 'wait...what? What about my heart and it's location?' He hugs Colossus and immediately ruins the feel good moment by reaching down to cup his ass.

And now we need to introduce another Marvel character played by Josh Brolin. We zoom out from what initially looks like a Terminator eye until we see his whole, totally normal face. He is looking at a post-apocalyptic wasteland that was maybe once New York. He bends near a couple charred skeletons on the floor and picks up a worn teddy bear. He grits his teeth, strips off some sort of cloak wrapped around his shoulders, straps on a rifle and twists a dial on his metal arm. Images from the 80s and 90s project out of the device and when he finds whatever time he was looking for he pushes the dial and screams as everything warps around him and he disappears.

Back at Xavier's mansion, Colossus finds Wade sitting on the couch again with Professor X's amplifier thingy on his head. He says he was just trying it out and taking a peek at the future. Colossus points out that that's not what it does, but Wade pretends to have already seen this conversation play out by echoing Colossus' somewhat predictable lines at the same time. Until he gets to the part about Colossus wanting him to join the mission the X-Men have been summoned for. Wade thinks that's a terrible idea that is bound to end badly. Colossus is done arguing and tells him to meet them at the jet in five.

We cut to news footage of a "Mutant Incident" at a mutant rehab house in Essex. A teenage boy with an Aussie accent is standing amid some scorch marks and burning cop cars screaming at the authorities to back off, his hands glowing orange. Also, the scroll on the screen has the following meta joke: "Christopher Plumber refuses role in Deadpool 2." Because APPARENTLY there was something about calling him to replace TJ Miller at the last minute when he was involved in a sex scandal parallel to Kevin Spacey. Hence my reference to "as little" of him as they could get away with in the credits at the beginning of the recap. Anyway.

The jet lands nearby to triumphant music and the reporter on the scene announces that the X-Men have arrived with a "trainee". Colossus, Negasonic and Deadpool saunter up. Deadpool is wearing a bright yellow X-Men shirt over his costume and loudly declaring that the "dated metaphor for racism in the 60s" is here. Colossus pulls him aside immediately to ask what the fuck he's doing. He's like YOU WANTED ME TO COME HERE and you KNEW I thought it was a bad idea but I'm HERE NOW, so... "like Beyonce says...please...please stop cheating on me." The officer on the scene is like 'if y'all are done with...whatever that was...this is the fifth time this kid has gone off and something needs to be DONE.' A guy who looks like he would run a very questionable boys camp insists the kid is fine and they have it all under control. Deadpool notes the firey scene and says it doesn't LOOK like they have it under control. "Marty...it is Glen, isn't it?" The guy is like...uh...my name is Daniel...Deadpool snaps that HE'LL be asking the questions here. And he's gonna go talk to the kid now. "You stay here with your weird...secret sex lips."

Deadpool slides over and says hi. The kid yells at him to stay back or "[pointing to Negasonic] Justin Bieber dies!" Deadpool laughs like 'I really like this kid. Reminds me of me.' The kid's hand starts glowing harder and Deadpool yells at him to not do...whatever that is. His name is Russell? Russell says it's Firefist, actually. Deadpool is like 'cool name. Does the fire just cover the fists or the whole arm?' He ducks as Russell throws a fireball, shooting Negasonic back into a firetruck. Colossus decides this is going too slowly. "Come quietly or there will be trouble." Both Russell and Deadpool call him out for stealing lines from Robocop. Deadpool tells him to "stop embarrassing me" and turns to Russell. He tries to say "Firefist" and falls apart laughing halfway through because nope, can't say that with a straight face. Russell shoots another fireball that knocks Colossus into the news van. Deadpool is like 'okay, I'm done playing good cop. Now for bad cop.' He pulls two pistols and tells Russell to get on his head and put his hands behind his knees. No, that was not a typo.

Colossus peels himself from the destroyed truck and yells at Deadpool to remember their first rule. Deadpool is like 'label everything in the fridge! I know!' Colossus says no, don't escalate. Which...wasn't it no killing? Is that the same thing? Deadpool is like 'fine! Party pooper.' He puts the guns away and starts over with de-escalation tactics. Sympathizing that the kid is scared and all alone and doesn't have any family and his body is going through some confusing changes and... Russell blasts him up through the window of a nearby building, which turns out to be a cafeteria. He picks himself up, goes over to the kid eating cereal at a table and rambles that he should stay in school...or not...whatever...while he signs the cereal box. It has Wolverine's face on it and he signs it Ryan Reynolds. He rips the trainee shirt off and jumps back out the window, declaring that he's gonna do the superhero landing. He does, groans and creaks back upright while moaning that that is SO not practical.

He dodges the next fireball from Russell and throws his sword, which looks for a minute like it's going to spear Russell right in the face before just knocking him out with the handle. Then he does a little gymnastics leap over a car and takes a bow while a crowd cheers. He swaggers over as the SWAT team gets an electronic collar on Russell and asks what it does. The officer exposits that it's a power dampener which nullifies all mutant abilities and can't be removed "unless you've got a grenade." Deadpool is like 'huh...that'll probably be useful for the rest of this movie and could have come in handy earlier, but whatever.'

The headmaster of the school comes out to thank him but also claims they will handle it from here. Russell begs Deadpool to just take him to prison. Deadpool kneels beside him and peeks under the collar where Russell has some marks on his neck. He asks which of those guys over there hurt him: Baldilocks (headmaster) or Jared Kushner (weird sex lips and thanks for making me type THAT, Marvel). Or both? Russell nods. This triggers one of the soft spots Wade was talking about in the last movie and another call back. "Four or five moments," he yells, standing up and looking back at Colossus.

Chrissy: Seriously, you need to watch these movies in a double feature, apparently.
Diandra: I wonder if we'll have to watch both of them before the inevitable third too.

He starts giving the same speech Colossus gave him except he throws in some alarming thing about ejaculating into a soap dispenser that seems to make Colossus realize why the soap at the mansion smelled funny today. Ew. The Headmaster looks at his watch like 'can we get to the point?' and Deadpool finally finishes that it only takes a few moments of doing "what no one else will do", pulls his gun and shoots "Jared Kushner" in the forehead. Headmaster ducks behind a squad car before he can get him and Colossus tackles him to the ground.

Deadpool chokes out that the kid was obviously being abused, but Colossus isn't moved. "We have rules! You are not judge, jury or executioner!" Deadpool says whatever, sometimes you have to do what is right and fuck the rules. Colossus grimly says Wade has let him down for the last time and steps back so the SWAT guys can put a collar on him too.

The prison Wade and the kid are taken to is hidden in some frozen mountain region of probably some fictional Marvel country in Eastern Europe. Wade asks what sort of gang he should join as they're led past a bunch of prison stereotypes. "Is there like a sorting hat?" He waves at one guy who has the word "mutant" tattooed on his forehead. He fakes like he's going to double cross Russell and run off with the guard when they get to the cell and the guard - already sick of his shit apparently - tasers him, which he obviously has a harder time recovering from than usual.

The screen goes black and then Matt Damon's voice says with a thick southern hick accent "I'm gonna tell you what the big lie is: toilet paper." Lest we think he's in the prison somewhere, we come back to him and Alan Tudyk sitting on the back bed of a truck dressed as redneck cliches while Dickie Greenleaf (because this is how he appears in the credits) continues this absurd speech about toilet paper being an "appetizer" for a product placed brand of baby wipes. Cable appears in the background and marches toward them, sadly not before Dickie talks about using toilet paper to mop up "extra moisture" and then doing a "blow and go" with a hairdryer. Cable drops his rifle in the back of the truck and growls "year."

Chrissy: EEEK! It's Thanos! Run!
Diandra: Yeah, that was my first thought when I watched that preview.

Realizing that his spartan way of talking isn't going to get through to them, he asks what year it is. Alan asks what the hell kind of dumbass question that is. Cable tasers both of them since this is clearly not going anywhere and drives off in the truck...which actually has fake testicles hanging from the hitch.

Chrissy: Thanks, Dickie! We loved you in that one movie where you played Matt Damon!
Diandra: Ha. Except that wasn't Matt's character. It was Jude Law's.

Chrissy: Right, because Matt was Ripley. You actually remember THAT?

Diandra:Not really, I just remember seeing it in the list of names I could raid from Jude's filmography whenever I forgot his character's name in "Captain Marvel".

Back in prison, Wade is throwing up in a bucket. Because the powers being dampened by his collar are just being able to survive the cancer that is totally rampaging now. He drags himself back over to his mattress. Russell says he always wanted to be a superhero and have a suit and everything, but "when was the last time you saw a plus sized superhero? The industry discriminates." Wade says yeah, well...fuck the supers anyway. And then Russell goes really dark, vowing that when he gets out of this place he's going to burn that headmaster alive and then take a selfie with his corpse. Wade doesn't object to this, but then...remember Francis? Yeah. We get a little flashback of some of the treatment Russell was subjected to at the center, which looks like your typical Pray the Gay Away clinic with electroshock therapy.

The whole facility sort of jolts and Wade says yeah...fun fact...there's a monster in the basement "right next to a huge steaming bowl of foreshadowing." He reminds Russell that with the collar on, he's useless. "Give me a bow and arrow, I'm basically Hawkeye."

Chrissy: So everyone is in agreement that Hawkeye is the lamest Avenger then.
Diandra: Yeah, fun fact: the arrow guy kind of is the lamest of any team. I just saw "The Boys" and their Hawkeye equivalent "hit rock bottom" when he ran out of arrows in the middle of a fight and was basically rendered useless because he has no superpowers.
Emilio: So you're probably skipping "Hawkeye" then?
Diandra: ..............let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here.

Russell goes around the corner to the bathroom to get the pen he stole from the guards and stashed in "the ole prison wallet" that he wants to try to make a shank out of.

At a hotel somewhere, Cable is watching the news story about two mutants being arrested and held in the Ice Box, which I guess is what the maximum security prison for supers is called. He is laying out an entire arsenal on the bed and activating a "repair mode" hologram that projects over them to guide him.

The next day, Wade is staring sullenly at a tray of food in the cafeteria when Russell slides over and rambles about how he's decided it's up to him to protect Wade now that he's obviously sick. Then a slimy dude comes over and starts talking to Russell until Wade pulls his attention because yeah, he's still going to be the one doing the protecting. The guy says his name is Black Tom Cassidy. He is...not black. Which is why Wade guesses that his superpower is "cultural appropriation." Tom sneers that the rumor is Wade is the "toughest cunt in here" and really?

Chrissy: Has. The rumor was that he HAS the...you know what? Never mind.

Russell pulls out his shiv pen and goes to stab Tom's buddy. This goes about as well as expected. Tom picks up the dropped shiv and stabs through Wade's hand. Russell tries to leap to his defense and gets punched out again. Wade gets hit in the face with the food tray. And it finally breaks into an official brawl while the guards scramble to break it up and get everyone back in cells.

Back in the cell, Russell babbles about how fun he thinks that was while Wade groans and begs to just die already. Russell says they make a great team. Friends. Partners. Whatever. Wade says they are none of those things, actually, and he should really stop insisting. There is no happy ending here - he's going to die of cancer soon. And the "only person in the world" he cared about is dead, so he's basically fine with that. But he has one piece of advice: don't try to shank the biggest guy in the prison, just...make friends with SOMEONE who can get his back. Like Black Tim. Or Evan. Whatever his name was. "All I remember is he's African American." Or, you know...he should have been. Otherwise what was the point of that name? He curls up on his cot and fiddles with the skee ball token.

Elsewhere in the prison, Cable blasts a hole in the wall, knocking out two guards immediately, and steps right in. He goes to the main guard hub and casually tosses a concussion grenade in. When it blows, the whole system goes down and all the cell doors open. He grabs a network cable and his computer implant searches the prison records and identifies which cell Wade and Russell are in. A couple guards try to stop him as he is headed in that direction and some sort of shield forms around him, protecting him, before he takes them out. Wade and Russell manage to escape their cell just before he blows it with a rocket launcher. Wade loudly questions what he did "to piss off a grumpy old fucker with a Winter Soldier arm." He keeps telling Russell to get away from him, but Russell keeps following him like a puppy. Then Cable manages to get up on the catwalk right in front of them and snarls "Hello, Russell" and everyone realizes he's not after Wade.

Chrissy: We're sure his name is Collins or something, right? Not Connor?
Diandra: I think they finally got away from the John Connor thing with that last reboot. What was the name of the new woman?
Emilio: It doesn't matter. They're pretty much ignoring everything that happened since the original series.
Chrissy: Have you both actually seen ALL the Terminator movies?
Diandra: Yes. Even the stupid one where John is a Terminator and The Doctor is Skynet. Which is apparently in it's own separate universe and can be completely ignored now, but...
Chrissy: Wow, you really will watch anything time travel, won't you?

Cable tries to just gun Russell down right away, but Wade stops him. They fight and Wade takes a knife to the stomach, which...of course, he can't just brush off like he used to. While he is distracted trying to finish Wade off, Russell manages to shank him and run away. Cable gives chase and gets the kid cornered in a cell. Wade jumps him, knocking him from the catwalk and down to the cafeteria, breaking his back on a table. Lucky for him, this somehow causes the dampening collar to break and fly off, so he gasps back to life before Cable can catch up to Russell again. He finds a loose pipe and starts beating Cable with it. It bends around Cable's metal arm when he deflects a blow and Wade just goes with it and bends it all the way around his neck. Cable asks who the FUCK he is. "I'm Batman," Wade growls.

Wade picks up the...I'm gonna say sonic blaster...Cable brought with him and twirls a number dial to increase its power before blasting Cable across what's left of the room. He follows and asks who the HELL Cable is and more importantly WHY is he trying to kill a fourteen year old? Cable says his name and that he is from the future, but doesn't answer that last part. Wade says oh, from the future huh? Then he has some questions: "One: is dubstep still a thing? Two: which Sharknado are we on? And three: at what point do audiences say 'enough with the robotic arms'?" Cable activates some sort of magnetic thing that rips the gun right out of Wade's hands and they end up fistfighting again until Wade gets his arm wrapped around Cable's neck (backward and definitely broken in about ten places) the same way he had the pipe wrapped earlier. Cable stabs him in the leg, then stabs him a few more times after he lets go. Of all things to answer, he then growls "dubstep is for pussies." Wade cracks that he's so dark he might secretly be from the DC Universe.

Cable punches him around some more, taking the skee ball token when it goes pinging out of his pocket, and demands to know why he's protecting that kid. The kid peeks around the corner just then to hear Wade spit that he doesn't really care about the little shit. Then he activates an explosive on Cable's belt and they both go shooting right through the prison wall and down the snowy mountainside of wherever this is. An instrumental version of Celine's song plays while Wade voiceovers about how there's always a point in a movie where the hero hits rock bottom. Such as when John Candy's bobsled broke in Cool Runnings or when those people signed on to do "Human Centipede" in the first place.

Chrissy: One movie that defies the "so bad it's actually good" cult status. It's just bad. Like, legendarily.
Diandra: Yeah, I drew the line there when I was looking for horror movies to watch for Halloween. Nope. Not even interested to see just how bad it could possibly be and that was the reason I watched "The Room" and "Waterworld".

He smashes his head on a rock as he's rolling down the mountain and falls in the lake at the bottom.

Back in the Purgatory version of the apartment, he asks if Vanessa can let him in now. She doesn't even look at him. So he flops on the floor and moans about the lack of guidance she's giving him. "Is it the kid?" She repeats the thing from earlier about kids giving them a chance to be better. The timer on the toaster dings and he shoots back to life, popping out of the frozen lake.

And then for some reason he's back at the bar telling Weasel about his near death Vanessa telling him his heart needs to be in the right place and THIS IS TOTALLY WHAT SHE MEANT and he can't abandon the kid now. Because he failed to save Vanessa, but damnit, he's gonna save Russell. Weasel is like 'okay, so my role is now the guy who knows the guy who knows shit and I can tell you which prison they're transferring the kid to.' Wade thinks he can intercept the transport. Weasel says no, they're very heavily guarded and armored and there is a "supersoldier from the future that is looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray" chasing them. Wade concludes that they need to build themselves a team of people who are "tough, morally flexible and young enough to carry this franchise 10 to 12 years." Dopinder, hovering nearby, is like 'OOOOO, PICK ME! I want to help Mr. Pool!' Wade is like 'that's cute, but you have no powers, so...' Weasel says he'll start gathering resumes.

Cable looks at his shirtless torso in a mirror so we can see just how much of it is metal (not just the arm) while he has flashbacks of the little girl the teddy bear belonged to and a child sings a song from "Annie".

Back in the prison, Russell runs away from the cafeteria when Black Tom starts another fight. He ends up outside the cell of the "monster" they were talking about earlier. He slides his lunch tray through the food slot and then sits and tries to strike up a conversation because hey, Wade said he should try to make friends. He tries to sympathize with how lonely the guy must be and offers to help get him out. He says they should have some sort of secret code and knocks on the door with the first part of Shave and a Haircut and the thing on the other side finishes it, which he takes to mean they are now a Team.

Speaking of teams, Wade and Weasel are going through headshots of potentials, which includes Ruth Bader Ginsberg (may she rest in peace until she is needed to ensure Trump roasts in Hell for eternity). Then we go right to them doing interviews, starting with Bedlam, played by Terry Crews. He says he can distort electrical fields and demonstrates by making the lights in the room flicker. And then he messes with the electrical activity in their brains and Wade and Weasel wince as he explains that he can make them feel anxiety, confusion and pain. "So basically you're Dave Matthews," Wade concludes. We'll take it, next.

A skinny guy (Skarsgaard) introduces himself as Zeitgeist. Wade asks if that name means he has his "finger on the pulse of society". He's like what? No. Why would you think that? I vomit acid. He offers to demonstrate and they both quickly assure him that they don't need that, thanks. But he's in anyway.

Next is someone Weasel says is named The Vanisher. His power is, of course, invisibility. Maybe. Or maybe the room is just empty because "he may be running late". He is a big question mark anyway, whose headshot is non existent because nobody knows what he looks like. But he's definitely in.

Next up is Rusty, aka Shatterstar, who I think might be an actual Marvel character NOT swimming around at the bottom of the barrel [ETA: actually, I was confusing him with Northstar. Nevermind]. Except he might be either bullshitting or delusional because he says he's from another planet called Mojo World and his abilities are being better than them at literally everything. Wade goes off on a tangent about finding a planet where everyone is worse than him at everything - "a whole bunch of functional idiots" - because he could be their Superman. This leads to this joke:

Weasel: Isn't that Canada?
Wade/Ryan Reynolds: You shut your goddamn trash mouth!

And then we have Domino, an actual recognizable character, a lady whose name probably comes from the fact that she has Vitiligo so her skin is some combination of black and white (more black here, possibly more white in the comics). Her ability is that she is...lucky. Wade thinks if she's so lucky she wouldn't be here. She says she's here for a reason, but she doesn't know what that is yet. She's not worried about it because everything always works out for her. Y'know, the luck thing. Wade argues that luck isn't a superpower.

Chrissy: Neither is not dying of cancer and YET...

They have a little argument about whether it is or isn't, but Deadpool hires her because he likes her. She's sassy.

And then there's a guy named Peter, who looks nothing like the headshot, which looks kind of like a darker, more brooding Chris Pine. He has no powers at all. "I just saw the ad and thought it looked fun." Wade says yeah, sure, why not? "You're in." Dopinder (hovering in the background) shrieks in outrage at this.

Cable takes Weasel hostage as he's leaving the bar, ties him up with duct tape and rambles about how he was BORN into war and peacetime just makes people soft. Then he starts talking about pain and a list he's going to work down here. "Number one, I'm gonna bend something. Something that was not meant to be bent." Weasel is like 'I'm just going to save you a whole lot of time and tell you whatever you want to know because PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.' Also, he says he gets nervous erections when he's scared, so...you know...ignore that, it doesn't mean anything. He then gives the route the prison supers convoy is going to go down, but the "monster" is with them, so...Cable might not want to try anything. And he shouldn't mess with Deadpool either, because he's built a TEAM now and they are "unstoppable". This merges into a shot of Deadpool giving the plan to intercept the convoy to said team, warning them that Russell has an ass pen he WILL try to use and they should watch out for this Cable guy. "He's very short, 5'11". Not like in the comics."

Emilio: But closer than that other guy who looks like him only he's purple.

And in conclusion, Weasel says, if he tries to go after them he should be warned: "there's a wind advisory in effect."

So at dawn, Russell et. al are herded into armored vehicles with smaller versions of their prison cells. Deadpool and his team of misfits are flying to intercept in a helicopter. Everyone is readying weapons, except Peter, who is smearing sunscreen on his face and rambling about how many people are killed by melanoma. As they get close to their intercept point, Deadpool gives a little speech about how offensive he always thought the name "X-Men" was. Their group will not be so sexist. They will be called...he crosses his arms in front of him dramatically..."X-Force". Domino asks if that's maybe a bit...derivative. Deadpool snaps at Peter to shut up. Peter is like 'uh...that clearly wasn't me. I didn't say anything.'

Deadpool gets emotional then as he says he's so proud of them all and they look so great. Even Vanisher, presumably, although he's invisible in a bobbing harness because THIS IS THE JOKE AND WE ARE SEEING IT THROUGH. Deadpool really feels like they are the family he always wanted and shit he's gonna cry. Peter interrupts to ask if anyone else is nervous about those high winds that seem to be rocking the plane. Deadpool calls him Gary and tells him to relax because he's "been chosen by a higher power." Domino asks Bedlam if she seriously just heard him call himself God. Bedlam is like 'uh-huh, he's clearly going ego mad here.'

Peter is like 'yeah, I think we should call this off' and Deadpool screams in his face about how they never canceled Special Forces missions because of a "light breeze". Then he strokes Peter's face and stage whispers that he's just yelling to impress the others and "I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear."

Chrissy: That might actually be worse.

Some techno music starts playing and they jump out of the plane (except Peter who Deadpool has to push). Everything is fine at first, until Deadpool gives the command to deploy the chutes. The wind rips them all back harder than he expected, throwing them off course. He gets caught on a billboard and watches from there as the others spin crazily in the wind. Bedlam slams right into a bus. Shatterstar goes through the blades of a helicopter powering up on the roof of a building.

Deadpool cuts himself free of his chute and looks up at the empty harness that is Vanisher, wondering aloud if maybe his invisibility will protect him. Basically the minute this movie was in theaters, everybody knew the punchline to this joke. Ryan revealed in an interview that the goal was to get a big name to play someone with no lines whose face you only see for, like, a second. So, he called Brad Pitt and said he'd buy him a cup of coffee if he would do this thing that would take so little of his time that he would be done before the coffee was cold. Brad agreed. So when the harness hits a power line, we see Brad for a few seconds as Vanisher is electrocuted.

Chrissy: I love the casual implication that he just had Brad Pitt's phone number lying around somewhere.
Emilio: Maybe he's a Mint mobile customer.
Diandra: HahahahahaproductplacementthatwilltotallybeinDeadpool3.

Deadpool says it's fine, they can still do this with four people. "Sugarbear" lands nearby safely and gives an excited "X-Force" arm thing. Vomit guy also lands nearby but goes right into a running woodchipper legs first. Peter runs to try to save him (jumping over the hood of a car on the way) and Vomit guy vomits acid all over him before getting sucked the rest of the way through the woodchipper. Deadpool gags and takes deep breaths to stop from also vomiting.

Chrissy: You completely forgot his name already, didn't you?
Diandra: Schadenfreude? Whatever. It had nothing to do with his "superpower" and he's dead now, so it doesn't matter.

Fun fact: that show "The Boys" also had a super who vomited acid and proved that this really is one of the worst abilities because he was killed by being knocked on his back while he was vomiting and burning his own face off.

Emilio: Ew.
Diandra: Yeah. I forget if this was before or after the guy whose ability was being able to use his penis like a tentacle.
Chrissy: [snorts so hard she coughs] Tell me you're kidding. Oh. Oh, god, you're serious. That's like...the absolute worst fanfiction idea come to life.
Diandra: Yeah, the show is sort of like a Deadpool series without any of the fun.

Domino is still in the air like 'hello? I'm hovering over the convoy. Where y'all at?' Deadpool is like yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh, they're all dead. Except possibly Vanisher... a smoking corpse lands in the middle of the street and he says nope, he's gone too. He steals a moped while he's moaning about how it's just the two of them and who knew the winds were going to be that bad? Domino says EVERYONE KNEW THAT. Even Weasel knew that and he wasn't anywhere near this trainwreck.

He tells her to hold tight while he catches up now that he's the only chance Russell has. Domino says fuck that, she's going in. He starts ranting about how LUCK isn't a superpower again while she lands right in the middle of the street. She detaches the parachute, which lands on a car, causing it to crash into a lamppost, which crashes into the street. She jumps over it. Another car veers to avoid her and slams right into a gas station, the whole station exploding in a fireball. One of the pumps shoots out onto the road and an SUV hits it and flips right over her. She jumps over it, sailing off an overpass right through a hole in the main armored truck into the passenger seat while Deadpool continues his rant about how ridiculous luck is as a superpower because "it's not very cinematic". "What coked out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut? Probably a guy who can't draw feet!" This is a little in-joke reference to the fact that the main artist for Domino apparently couldn't draw feet and masked it by always hiding characters' feet off the ends of panels or something. Very few audience members probably got that and most of those are probably like me and only got it when they read about it later.

The driver of the armored car goes to shoot Domino, but his gun won't fire. She kicks him right out the door, takes over the driver's seat and interrupts Deadpool's continuing rant by announcing that she's in. He's like 'you're what now? How? Huh?'

Chrissy: Chicks get shit done.
Diandra: Hell, yeah! [fist bumps Chrissy]

Meanwhile, Cable scales down the side of a building and starts running toward the convoy from the opposite direction with gun blazing. Because she is the one he's shooting at though, he trips and misfires and the bullet bounces underneath her truck and explodes the one behind it. Cable vaults on top of the truck as it mows down a car. Deadpool has caught up on his moped. She asks where Cable is now and he shouts "he's on top of you!"

Emilio: And not in a fun way.

Cable walks to the back of the truck and rips the back door off. "He's going in through the back," Deadpool adds.

Chrissy: Again...not in a fun way.

"OH GOD HE'S INSIDE!" Domino asks if he can hear himself talking right now. He shouts that YES HE CAN AND THE DOUBLE ENTENDRES ARE NOT INTENTIONAL.

Emilio: Sure they aren't.

Deadpool yells at "John Connor" to stay away from the kid and starts shooting wildly. I would point out the problem with calling the terminator John Connor, but...considering that horrible sequel we were just talking about actually did that plot twist...

Cable starts detaching the little prison cells and shoving them right off the truck into traffic. Domino cocks her gun and starts firing blindly behind her, managing to propel a gas canister right into Cable and knock him into the last of the attached cars. The bomb he was trying to set up explodes, detaching the car and propelling him back toward the new caboose, which he barely catches onto. Deadpool announces that he can do that too and crashes into a taxi, flying through the air toward the car. "I've got it," he shouts, then adds "no I don't" and crashes to the street.

Domino tells "Lady Luck" to take the wheel and just abandons it to go into the back and confront Tha...ble directly.

Chrissy: I'm impressed it took you that long to almost make that mistake.

When she runs out of bullets, she grabs a shock stick and starts beating him with it.

Deadpool, meanwhile, gets hit by one of the other armored cars. He punches out the window and when the driver goes to shoot him just slaps his hand over the barrel and flips it around so the driver ends up shooting himself. Instead of wasting time crawling in and actually taking the wheel, he stands up and spears his sword through to press the gas pedal, looking upside down between his legs to maybe sort of steer. Which he notes is really difficult, but he's committed to this now, so. He reaches the main car, which is still driving along by itself with Domino and Cable fighting in the back and slams into it, launching him right in alongside Domino. He deflects Cable's gun just as he shoots, points his own gun back and snarls at Cable to give him back that skee ball token. Domino is like 'I'm gonna go back and get the wheel. You're doing great, sweetie!'

In the ensuing battle between Deadpool and Cable, Cable shoots Black Tom right through the cell barrier. Deadpool gasps and calls him a racist. Domino realizes the brake line has been cut and yells the update back to Deadpool. Deadpool is like KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW CAN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. He unsheathes his cross swords and does the trick he did in that Wolverine movie we're kind of, sort of, pretending didn't happen where he spins the blades crazily to deflect bullets as Cable shoots at him. Except this time he misses, like, half the bullets and ends up riddled with holes. "Ow," he moans. He yells at Domino to at least try slowing them down and lurches at Cable as she drives them through the lobby of a building. Russell figures out how to hotwire his door open just as Cable grabs a door off a car and hits Deadpool with it.

Russell goes directly to the "monster"s cell and opens it. A growly voice praises the move and Deadpool and Cable look up from their fight just in time to see an enormous guy we still can't really see clearly yet as he punches through the floor of the car.

We watch from the outside in slow motion to the tune of Enya's Only Time as the whole car jolts into the air and through a hole punched right through the overpass. Yes, the soundtrack of this movie is bonkers. Wade's voiceover acknowledges that this is...not going according to plan. But hey, "that plan was written in crayon". Domino is ejected directly into a giant blowup panda, cushioning her fall and just walks back out without a scratch. Deadpool lands on top of the vehicle with his head spun around backward. He spins it back and falls to the ground, calling for Russell. The big guy punches the door of the cell open and Russell climbs out. And then Deadpool starts screaming as the big guy - who is finally identified by him as Juggernaut - follows. Deadpool gushes that he's a huge fan and starts listing comics Juggernaut was in. In case anyone needs a reference point.

Domino wanders over, sees the monstrosity facing Deadpool and is like 'fuck that, I'm out.' Juggernaut charges right over to Deadpool, picks him up by the throat and announces - in a voice that sounds suspiciously similar to Wade's because it's totally Ryan Reynolds - that he is going to tear him in half. Deadpool laughs but it turns out Juggernaut meant that literally. [ETA: after seeing "Free Guy", I'm starting to think Ryan might have a very specific kink for fighting bigger, CGI versions of himself].

I am not going to recap the version of this movie that is framed like "Princess Bride" with Deadpool pulling a Kathy Bates in "Misery" on adult Fred Savage and forcing him to listen to a sterilized version of this movie. Because that would be repetitive. But I will note that this provided probably the best moment in that version. The camera cuts away quickly after Juggernaut tears Deadpool in half at the waist and Fred and Wade kind of stare at each other for a long, uncomfortable beat before Wade turns back to the story like ".....yeah...........anyway..."

Deadpool looks up at Russell, who announces that he knows what his mission is now. He's going to get his revenge on that headmaster and BURN HIM ALIVE. Deadpool tries to reason with him by appealing to their friendship and Russell is like 'YOU TOLD ME WE WEREN'T FRIENDS. LIKE, REPEATEDLY. Asshole.' Deadpool yelps that that's because WADE was useless to him, but he has his powers back now! Russell flips him a double bird and walks off with his new "friend" Juggernaut while Wade yells about how he CARES and he just wants what's best for the kid and GODDAMN IT DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU. Domino wanders back over now that it's safe and Wade asks her to get him out of here by carrying him like a backpack.

Somewhere in the wreckage, Cable wakes up and peels himself from the ground with a lot of grunting and groaning. Because he is human, but he's also a terminator who can't be killed.

Wade is curled up to Al on the couch back at the apartment, having obviously filled her in on everything that happened. He moans that he can't believe Russell just walked away like that and she should have HEARD the coldness in his eyes. No, that wasn't a typo either. Then he asks her to rub his legs because he's getting growing pains and they HURT.

Chrissy: She's either gonna have to move out or start demanding hazard pay.

She sighs and reaches over, asking why his hand has turned tiny again. He says because that's still not his hand and frankly it's becoming alarming that she keeps making that mistake. She reels back before Weasel comes barreling into the room. He starts to say something, then gets distracted at the sight of Wade. The camera pulls back to show that Wade has the bottom half of maybe a three year old (privates covered by the shirt). Al reminds everyone that she's blind and has no idea what's going on here. She asks Weasel to describe it. Wade is like 'please, god, not another one of his descriptions', but Weasel has already started. "It's like he was giving birth anally but they quit halfway through. It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down." Except you can see his twiggy baby penis.

Dopinder mercifully cuts off the one man act here by sticking his head in and telling Mr. Weasel that he can't stay double parked out here. He screams when he comes in view of the couch and moans "not again". Then Domino shows up and just says "wow." Wade is like 'yeah, yeah, we've all seen the baby legs. They're growing back.' She says she was commenting on his face, actually, because she never saw him without the mask. But hey, the baby legs thing is cute. She throws a tiny pair of pants at him and they land right on his crotch. "You must be wondering why I didn't call you [all] here," he snaps. Weasel pulls a gun and says he knows he's here because the Time Traveler's Wife's husband tortured him for information. "But all I told him was everything he wanted to know." So now he figures he should help make sure they're geared up "so we can go after him without me." Wade says he can do it himself, he just needs a couple hours to get his legs back. Literally. He's determined to keep Cable from getting the kid "even if I have to teabag him to death." Domino is like 'that's going to grow back too then? Because that would probably be difficult to do with what you've got there now...' He snaps at "black Black Widow" to shut up.

He says if they can just get him in front of Cable, he will "pull all the fucking blood out of his body and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry. Then I'm gonna take his skin and stretch it out over a homemade mating drum." He pauses, then notes that Cable is standing right behind them. Everybody pulls guns and Wade redirects Al's wild aim again. Then Wade does an impression of Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" and not only can we see his penis this time, he might have an erection. Cable is like 'did I really have to see that? Really?'

Chrissy: Well, it *is* for you.

Cable says he's here to "proposition you." Wade laughs and Weasel asks who should get the honor of coming up with the response to THAT. Domino says they should all go at the same time and they all start talking at once. Except Weasel and Domino are saying almost the same thing about hard limits and Dopinder is talking about Guy Pearce's performance in the movie "The Proposition". Cable just yells that he needs Wade's help. And he's NOT happy about this situation, but Deadpool had to go and unleash the Juggernaut, and he can't deal with THAT alone. Wade cheerfully tells him they aren't accepting applications for X-Force anymore and "even if we were, there's a wind advisory in effect until at least..." Cable interrupts that they don't have TIME because "your friend's about to make his first kill." Wade asks the same question Rhodey did in "Endgame": why doesn't he just go back to when he was a baby and killing him would be easier? And while he's at it, he could kill baby Hitler too. Cable gives a non answer that the device he uses to "slide through time" is harder to control the longer he goes. Also, it works the same way the Pym particles did after a rewrite so he can only make one trip back and one forward again. Wade looks directly at the camera and says "that's just lazy writing."

Chrissy: Uh-huh. Welcome to Marvel.

Cable says the kid is going to kill the Headmaster tonight and that will give him a taste for killing. Dopinder says 'oooo! Just like ten year old Kirsten Dunst in' NO FUCK STOP WITH THIS COMPARISON. Cable says the kid is going to just keep right on killing until he kills "the wrong people". He flips his shoulder bag around so he can reach into it and tells everyone reaching for their guns to relax because he just needs to get something from his "utility bag." "It's a goddamn fanny pack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch," Weasel snarls.

Chrissy: Actually, I'd say it's more like a purse.
Diandra: Yeah, I actually do have a purse that looks just like that.
Chrissy: I know, that's why I said that.

Cable just calmly pulls out a chap stick and starts smearing it on his lips while looking right at Wade. "You remind me of my wife," he says.

Emilio: Okay, do we want to unpack THAT now?
Diandra: Not really. But mostly because Wade's about to do it himself.

Wade is like 'thanks for saying that while "making heavy eye contact" and applying lip balm, you psycho.' Cable says he just means she filtered all her pain through humor too and he could never figure out how. And it's his fault she's dead now because he failed to stop Russell. We get a little flash of an adult "Russell" sending a blast of fire over an apartment where a woman and child were just sitting at the dinner table and then see Cable plucking the teddy bear from the charred remains again. Wade is like 'dude...really, I'm sorry about what happened, but that doesn't sound like the kid I know, so obviously there's some turning point here where maybe we can prevent him from going evil.' Cable asks if he would go back and stop the people who took his girlfriend if he could. Wade is like 'low blow, but yes. Except you're talking about killing a kid before he turns into whatever attacked you.' Cable says Russell is going to kill hundreds of other kids and burn down that orphanage. Wouldn't his girlfriend want him to do the right thing? "So what's it going to be, handsome?"

Chrissy: Well, when you put it that way...yes, I will have sex with you. Wait...that's what you were propositioning, right?

Wade has discovered a loophole: he only gets a taste for killing after killing that one guy, right? So, there's a chance Wade can save him. He asks Cable to give him a chance to save him and prevent him from going down that road. Cable says he can give Wade thirty seconds. Wade thinks about it and wobbles off the couch toward Cable on his toddler legs to shake his hand on it. Everyone is weirded out, except Al who has no idea what's going on.

So next thing we see is Deadpool, Cable and Domino in Dopinder's cab and Deadpool is just finishing a story with the moral that you should never eat a live starfish. Cable, from the backseat, is like 'uh-huh...you're an idiot...anyway, where are we going now?' Deadpool says they need backup. "I will bathe in the blood of your enemies," Dopinder says creepily.

Emilio: Is there a way to say that without it being creepy?
Diandra: Good point.

Cable asks Dopinder to turn off the music and Deadpool starts ranting at him about intolerance because it's pop-y Bollywood music and DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, RACIST SCUM? Then he starts stroking Dopinder's head while apologizing that "it gets better". And he keeps doing this while he asks what sort of job Cable has in the future. Soldier? Cable grumbles that that's close enough. Deadpool asks if they're friends in the future, y'know, since they have that in common. Cable says Deadpool is dead, along with a shit ton of others because "your generation fucked this planet into a coma." Then he sneers that Deadpool isn't a hero, regardless of what he might think. "You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy."

Chrissy: So you think I would make a good sex toy?
Diandra: Can we discuss that look in Josh's eyes for a second there that seems to say "how do you like that one? Eh?" Was any of this actually in the script?

Deadpool says whatever, his HEART is in the RIGHT PLACE now and he's gonna stop Russell from killing anyone. "Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like." Cable decides to go for the petulant retort here as he sneers that because of Wade, he knows what a grown man with "baby balls" looks like. Domino, by the way, is periodically muttering about how she shouldn't be here, should have finished college, should have taken an Uber instead of this taxi... She really is such a relatable character.

They reach the X-Men mansion suddenly and Deadpool gets out, holds his phone over his head, which displays a picture of a boom box and is playing Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes. Inside, Colossus tosses aside his reading and curls up on a bed with his hands over his ears while Wade rambles about how much he regrets taking the trust Colossus placed in him and turning it "into a glory hole in an airport bathroom. The one in Minneapolis. You know the one."

Chrissy: Ah yes, one of the things people in other states actually remember about Minnesota. Thanks, Republicans.
Diandra: Considering Michele Bachmann is another thing we're known for, I'll take it because I think it might actually be less embarrassing.

He yells that he wouldn't be asking if this wasn't life or death. The kid NEEDS them and they need to get past Juggernaut to get to him and Juggernaut is a real dick. "He's hard as a rock and causes nothing but problems!" He is briefly distracted when Yukio and Negasonic appear on a balcony of the castle and Yukio waves at him, grinning. Then he starts laying it on thick: he knows he doesn't deserve anything from Colossus, but this kid does and he can't just BAIL on him like EVERYONE ELSE in his life and COME ON, MAN! You know what? Fuck you. He gets back in the taxi.

Elsewhere, Russell exposits that Juggernaut wears that ridiculous bell helmet to keep his brother from reading his mind. Juggernaut adds that his brother is in a wheelchair. His brother is Professor X?

Emilio: Stepbrother.
Diandra: Yeah, see, I'm pretty sure I'm never going to know everything there is to know about this universe.

They're at the orphanage already and an orderly inside warns the Headmaster that Russell is coming. What little there is of X-Force arrives as they're going inside and Domino announces that she just realized why she is here: because she grew up here. Deadpool asks what the deal is with the "creepy, dirty hobo bear" Cable is carrying anyway. He growls that that isn't dirt, it's his daughter's blood. Deadpool nods and non sequitrs that he has a gluten sensitivity. Then he bleats something about going back and doing another take on that, or...no, whatever. Fuck it. Rap music plays and they start running toward the orphanage. Including Dopinder because Wade can't stop him anymore I guess.

The headmaster opens the door and Deadpool skids to a stop at the bottom of the front steps, yelling at Russell that he doesn't need to do this. Then he gets distracted by the hoodie the kid has pulled over his head and the sunglasses he's wearing and how the whole ensemble makes him look like the Unibomber. The Headmaster slams the door and runs away. Russell blasts the door open. Cable says the kid is OBVIOUSLY too far gone and Wade retorts with a line they probably insisted needed to be in this movie SOMEWHERE even if it ends up being a non sequitr: "Zip it, Thanos." Juggernaut turns to them and announces that he is going to shove Dopinder right up Deadpool's ass.

Chrissy: Hey, he might enjoy that.
Diandra: Briefly.

Dopinder and Deadpool both suggest that Dopinder go back to wait in the car.

Juggernaut stomps toward them and Cable hits him with his sonic blaster, shooting him into the side of the building.

Meanwhile, Russell is chasing the Headmaster through the halls, setting fire to walls along the way and yelling at him to "say it!" The Headmaster turns and yells that Russell is an "abomination". Russell sends a fireball toward him that somehow misses.

Outside, Juggernaut is charging toward the three "heroes", all of whom are shooting double fisted and not accomplishing anything. He says now that the cab driver is gone, he's gonna shove the red one up the old one's ass.

Chrissy: He would DEFINITELY enjoy that.
Diandra: Which one?
Emilio: Both.

He actually ends up just kicking Cable into a parked car. Deadpool jumps on his back, stabs both swords into his...helmet maybe...and tries to hang on while he yelps "sun's getting real low!" Who started that anyway and do we have any idea what it MEANS? Juggernaut grabs him by the leg and slams him to the ground where one of the posts of a low garden fence goes right through his head.

Russell is still chasing the Headmaster and demanding he "say it".

And then Colossus arrives and picks up Deadpool to that Peter Gabriel song, which is probably playing inside Wade's head. Deadpool strokes Colussus' head and makes rude gestures because apparently this is what he does when he takes a blow to the head. Colossus sets him down (not nearly as roughly as he could have I'm sure) and rips the post from his skull. Deadpool sputters back to coherence, breathing "you came for me."

Chrissy: No, that will happen much later.
Diandra: Or never.

Colossus is like yeah, I haven't given up on you yet. "It's time to fight dirty." He turns to Juggernaut, who has cornered Cable and Domino and yells at him to pick on someone his own size before rushing toward him. Deadpool cheers him on and announces that a big CGI fight is coming up. Juggernaut starts punching and stomping him repeatedly while Deadpool rejoins the others. They hear Russell in the background screaming "say it" still. They head in that direction just before Colossus figures out a strategy involving using part of the broken fence to jab at any soft areas of Juggernaut he can reach like eyeball or testicle.

A bunch of orderlies with a ridiculous amount of firepower greet Cable and Wade outside. Wade asks if he can use one of Cable's two guns. Cable says nope. Wade says cool, he'll just use this brick he found laying on the ground then. Domino has somehow snuck right through the door and is confronted with a few orderlies inside. We go back and forth with all three of them picking the orderlies off.

Russell is still trying to get the Headmaster to "say it". Specifically, he wants to hear the thing they always said to him as they were torturing him. But since he isn't cooperating, Russell finally just says it himself: "blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand."

When Domino isn't actively picking off bad guys, they are, of course, picking themselves off accidentally by trying to kill her. One slips and breaks his neck on the footboard of a bed. One trips on something kicked by another guy and falls on his own knife. One is pinned to a bed by a bunch of metal frames and then beheaded by a falling bookshelf. And the children standing by watching all of this cheer.

"Only best buddies execute pedophiles together," Wade says after he and Cable have picked off all the remaining orderlies attacking them. Cable reminds him that he still has those 30 seconds and calls him a "jabbering butt plug".

Chrissy: Notice how his nicknames have become more sexual recently?
Diandra: Mmm...pretty suggestive of how he views Deadpool, yeah.

Juggernaut picks up a bus and hits Colossus with it. It comes crashing through the wall of the orphanage just as Domino is saying she's going to need a bus for all the kids. Except it's upside down, so they just slide along the roof after she pries open the escape door.

The Headmaster yells that a child should not be burdened with this sort of power, which...I mean...kind of a fair point. One of the problems dredged up by the mutant registration act was that it meant forcing children who had no control over their powers and most likely had no say in whether they even HAD powers to register as weapons the government could consider part of their arsenal. Like the worst possible version of a draft that has no age limit. Xavier's school is the kind way of dealing with it, mentoring and training them. And I think he actually worked out a deal to shelter the kids there from the act and the war it spawned. This orphanage...is obviously analogous to conversion therapy. If we scare it out of them, then none of us will have to deal with it anymore. Russell builds up a rage-fueled fireball, but Cable and Deadpool burst through the door before he can release it. Cable deflects it up through the roof, which they have to dodge as it collapses. Cable starts to draw his gun and Wade reminds him that Russell hasn't killed anyone YET so he still has time.

Speaking of Freudian slips...Juggernaut announces that he's going to melt down Colossus and turn him into a cock ring.

Chrissy: That'll go nicely with the Deadpool butt plug.
Diandra: For who? You know what? No, don't answer that.

Negasonic and her girlfriend FINALLY arrive just then and Yukio throws what looks like a lightning whip around Juggernaut's ankles. He drops Colossus, who grabs at the back of his jumpsuit on the way down, ripping open the butt flap. Colossus grabs a power cable and shoves it up his ass a second before Negasonic sends a blast into him and he falls into a pool, sparking. "That's how we do it in Mother Russia," Colossus declares.

Chrissy: Only if you claim it was an accident or suicide.

Wade is trying to talk to Russell, but Russell isn't exactly willing to listen at the moment. Cable tackles him and he sears the metal arm and shoots them both out of the building. He stands at the blasted opening and yells at Wade to "go home" because he's "ruining everything."

Chrissy: Yeah, you're not the first person to tell me that, MOM.
Diandra: .............wow.

He looks at his firey hands and says he's getting better at this. He throws another fireball at them and snarls that he is GOING to kill the Headmaster and they can't stop him. Cable looks to a pistol lying several feet away that only has one bullet left in it. Wade tries one more time, facing Russell and attempting to talk him down. Yeah, the guy is a shit and he deserves to die, yadda yadda, but "if you kill him, he wins. You become everything he says you are, but worse." It isn't too late. It gets better.

He apologizes for leaving Russell in that prison and hugs him. This seems to work for less than a minute. Then Russell says he can't trust Wade, or anybody else for that matter, and his hands flame, burning Wade's back. He blasts Wade away from him. Wade shakes it off, gets up and pulls a dampening collar out of...somewhere. He admits that this Hail Mary plan is terrible, even for him, and puts the collar on himself. He says if Russell has to kill somebody today, then it's going to be him. Russell conjures up a big fireball and everything kicks into slow motion. Cable starts running toward the gun and Wade starts running toward Cable. The headmaster cowers behind some wreckage in the background. Cable reaches the gun and shoots at Russell, but Wade dives between them and takes the bullet. This diffuses Russell, who shrieks in horror.

Wade rolls onto his back and grunts "tell me they got that in slow motion." Russell kneels beside him and notes out loud that Wade sacrificed himself for him. Wade thinks it was the best decision he's made. Then he points to the now bloodless, intact bear hanging from Cable's belt and says it must have worked because the future obviously changed.

Chrissy: Because the rules of time travel are different in this part of the Marvelverse.
Diandra: I believe we just spent three hours bemoaning the fact that the rules vary even in the same part of the Marvelverse. But yeah. This is how it works in the comics, so.

Colossus reaches to rip the dampener off of Wade. Wade swats him away and lays down, muttering that his heart was in the right place and they should just LET IT HAPPEN. Russell tries to make him comfortable by putting some cement blocks under his head and taking his mask off. He whimpers an apology. Wade says no, he's been trying to get this to happen for a while now. It's okay, just as long as they don't leave because he doesn't want to die "without an audience", which is an interesting way of putting it. It makes sense when he adds "I hope the Academy is watching."

Emilio: It's a superhero movie, so no.

He starts singing Papa, Can You Hear Me, punctuated by coughing. He trails off and goes still like he's died and everyone looks somber.

Just as they start slowly walking away, he gasps back like ONE OTHER THING. He needs to say some emotional goodbyes. He gives Domino his Adventure Time watch and says it turns out HE was the lucky one. He has similar thanks for "Sabrina the Teenage Witch". Then he thanks Colossus for being a friend to him even if he didn't return the favor and begs him to say "fuck" just once. Colossus does and he laughs "enjoy hell, swamp mouth!" He tells Cable to get back to his family and tell them he said "hi".

Chrissy: And win one for the Gipper!
Diandra: [giggle] Sorry. Every time I hear that line I think of Leslie Neilsen doing a parody of that scene in Airplane!. "I don't know where I'll be then, but I know it won't smell too good."

And also he wants Cable to promise he'll start judging people "not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." Cable sighs heavily like I AM NOT A RACIST STOP. But Wade has already moved on to Russell, who holds his hand. "Family is not an 'f-word', all right? There's one out there for you. Just keep looking."

He addresses them all to say that "for a second there" they made a pretty good team. Then he goes still again. Then says "god, it's so hard to go. I just love being around you guys so much!"

Chrissy: Pretty sure one of them should be willing to put everyone out of their misery here.
Diandra: The fact that no one has yet is probably the best evidence that they actually love him.

No, but really, he's dying now. He can feel his soul leaving his body. Does anybody see that bright light? He goes still for a second, then says no, wait, that's the sun. Don't look at it. A few more final words... "woodpecker. Gingivitis. Codswallop." Cable sighs really heavily like he's debating shooting him in the head after all. Russell starts crying, so he ends with "Do You Want To Build a Snowman?" He goes still again and seems to stay that way this time.

Back in Purgatory Apartment, Take On Me is playing softly. Vanessa smiles at him and gets up to approach the barrier. She reaches through it for his hand and pulls him over, where he instantly turns back into his former pretty self. He says he's sorry for being late, but he had to save some "handicapable" kids who were stuck in a tree. She's like 'yeah, I know you were saving that one kid with the terrible superhero name.' He asks if this is heaven. She just non answers that it is now.

Chrissy: So that's a no.
Diandra: I mean, honestly, even if by some cosmic miracle he ended up in the Good Place, would he really want to be there?

Back in the world of the living, Cable clutches the teddy bear to his face and then starts scrolling his time turner back.

Vanessa gets a sad look and says it's not time. "You can't stay." Wade is like 'what? I finally made it here!' She says it's okay, they'll have time later and she'll be waiting for him, but "they need you." They say I love you's and they repeat their earlier tongue-choking kiss performance. Then they part with this:

Wade: Don't fuck Elvis.
Vanessa: Don't fuck Colossus.
Wade: What?
Toaster: DING!
Chrissy: Yeah, he might have a hard time with that promise.
Emilio: Not really. Strictly speaking, Colossus would definitely be fucking him.

Cable pushes the button on his time machine and shoots back to the moment when they first arrived and Wade asked about the "creepy, dirty, hobo bear." This time he just says it's his daughter's and "her name is Hope" as he reaches over and pats Wade on the chest, tucking something under a strap in his uniform. We fast forward, literally, back to the moment when Wade asked if they got his hero moment in slow motion. Russell whimpers that Wade sacrificed himself for him and Wade reaches for the bullet wound...only to find a lead coin with a bullet stuck in it. "You time-sliding son of a bitch!" Cable looks down at the teddy bear, which is still intact because Wade didn't have to actually die to fix that. But, Wade remembers the other catch: Cable can't go back to the family he saved now. Cable is like 'yeah, but they're safe. And before you start getting sentimental, I didn't do it for you. I did it to see what else I can fix if I stay here.' Wade is like 'that's cute, but you totally did it for me.' They have a little back and forth 'no, I didn't' 'yes, you did' 'no, I DEFINITELY didn't' 'oh, we all know you love me.'

Colossus is like ANYWAY, we need to get the collar off him. Wade says they don't just COME OFF. Russell produces the shiv he still has and starts picking at the lock. He gets a plate off, revealing a numeric panel. Domino suggests he try "seven". Wade says there's no way the code to unlock the thing is just ONE NUMBER. Russell pushes the seven, the collar unlocks and Wade mutters about lazy writing again. Wade staggers upright and turns to Cable, saying he doesn't know how to thank him, so he's just going to hug him. Cable is like 'you are not.' Wade hugs him and whispers in his ear that "the kids call this docking." There's a loud sound of a knife being unsheathed and Wade is like 'oh, that's not...my mistake.'

The by now completely forgotten headmaster catches up to them as they are all walking away, screaming that they are all going to burn in hell because they are filthy MUTANTS beyond redemption. Cable brandishes his knife and Wade stops him, yelling that they are BETTER than this. They can forgo the senseless violence and any more bloodshed and just let karma deal with him. Karma turns out to be Dopinder mowing him down with the taxi. Wade admits that he could hear him coming for the last thirty seconds and could barely keep a straight face while he was saying that bullshit back there. Dopinder, his face full on Renfield now, says "I want some more" because he is DETERMINED to drive this analogy into the ground.

Colossus thinks they should leave before "Fuckernaut" wakes up because of COURSE he's not dead. Also, Deadpool may have opened a floodgate by making him say "fuck" earlier. Supersonic says she and Yukio will take the kids back to the X-Men mansion. Wade corrects her that they are "X-People" like that doesn't sound like he's saying "former people".

The "family" starts walking again as Pat Benetar plays and Wade voiceovers that see? He wasn't lying when he said this would be a family film. And the main takeaway he wants viewers to have is WEEEEEEEEEEEE BELONG! And that song plays us right into the credits.

At the midway, we return to Negasonic and Yukio working to fix Cable's timewatch. Wade has another nickname for Negasonic: Eleven. Yukio notes that Cable is totally going to kill him for doing this. Negasonic says that's WHY she's helping and tosses the fixed time machine at him.

So the rest of the mid/end credit sequence is done to the tune of, naturally, Cher's If I Could Turn Back Time. Starting with the most obvious, he returns to the apartment on that anniversary night, quickly exposits that he sharpened the cream cheese spreader and chucks it into the goon's forehead before he can shoot Vanessa. He says they are DEFINITELY naming their kid Cher and spins the time machine, which apparently has unlimited travel capacity now because this end of the Marvelverse gives zero fucks about rule changes.

His next stop is the day of their X-Force mission, where he yells for Peter to WALK AWAY. Just...do it now. Go home.

Chrissy: The rest of the team can die. Fuck 'em.
Diandra: Yeah, either he doesn't care about any of the others or we're only going to show this one and it really doesn't matter which is true.

In what is possibly just a clip from the first Wolverine movie even though it doesn't really look right as there doesn't seem to be anybody behind Hugh (which there definitely should be), Wolverine meets the newly mutant'ed Deadpool. He barely gets his claws unsheathed before old Deadpool is shot in the head. New Deadpool sticks his head around the corner and waves, assuring Logan that he's just "cleaning up the timelines." He shoots Old Deadpool about a dozen more times, whispers "love you" and slinks away.

And then we have Ryan Reynolds sitting at a desk, grinning at an apparently newly arrived copy of the script for Green Lantern. There's a gunshot and the script is splattered with blood. Ryan, a hole in his forehead and the stupid smile still on his face, falls on the desk to reveal Deapool standing behind him with a smoking gun. "You're welcome, Canada," he says.

Chrissy: How early in the writing process do you suppose this scene was suggested? Like, the minute they said "time travel", or...
Diandra: Nah, that was when the one with Wolverine came up. But this probably followed very soon after.

Brad Pitt and Alan Tudyk are actually credited, but, as mentioned earlier, Matt Damon is credited as Dickie Greenleaf and Juggernaut is, bafflingly, credited "as himself". And the whole thing ends with a song featuring a choir singing about how Juggernaut cannot be stopped and "holy shitballs".

Chrissy: Well, that was fun. I don't know if you're going to be able to turn that into a decent recap, but it was a nice break from the MCU proper after "Endgame".
Diandra: Yeah, I had reservations about recapping these, but if they're going to justify the need for these recaps by doing callbacks to details from a movie they did years earlier...
Chrissy: So, on to Spider Man 2?
Diandra: Uh...

Yeah, so I totally did a non-recap quick summary of Spider Man 2, Black Widow and Falcon and the Winter Soldier without consulting either Chrissy or Emilio first. Or finishing typing up this recap. I would apologize, but honestly, I am not sorry.