“Saturday Night Live” episode 5,194,295 (okay, so I’m 
exaggerating a little)

Main cast: Fred Armisen, Will Forte, Bill Hader, Darrell 
Hammond, Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Andy Samberg, 
Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson, Kristen Wiig

Guest host: Matthew Fox

Musical guest: Does what Jack Black’s band do really qualify as 
music? I mean, it’s basically comedy set to a beat, right?


Why am I recapping this? No, really, I’m asking. Why? Am I 
really this bored? Or am I just depressed because I spent the 
day watching old Michael Jackson videos, trying to remember why 
my love for my childhood hero dissipated and am now in such 
desperate need of a pick-me-up that I’ve resorted to recapping 
a variety show that’s been going down the tubes in recent 
years? Sigh. Don’t ask. Just shut up and type.

This should be...different. Something. Whatever.

The first sketch is of a press conference with Bush Jr. and the 
Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki. The new guy doesn’t do as good an 
impression of Junior as Will Farrell, but it’s passable. He 
yammers about the progress Iraq is making toward taking back 
control of their government. The Prime Minister would like this 
process to move faster. Bush would like to not have Cheney’s 
hand quite so far up his ass. Or words to that effect. A 
reporter asks why the Prime Minister failed to arrive at a 
conference earlier in the week and whether it has anything to 
do with the White House memo criticizing his leadership skills. 
Maliki spins an excuse that seems like the plots of several 
major action movies stitched together. Seriously. ‘Uh, somebody 
tried to shoot me and my cabinet members were kidnapped by 
militia and then I got on this bus with a bomb that was set to 
go off if the bus went under 81 kilometers per hour and...’ Oh, 
and he couldn’t tell anyone why he wasn’t there because the 
Internet was down that day, due to a “massive car bombing”. Of 
course, he says, this wasn’t interesting enough for the news 
media, who made it sound like he was “snubbing” the president 
instead. Oh, I get the joke now. Ha. 

Reporter 2 says they’re hearing the Iraqi security forces are 
retreating when confronted with insurgents. Maliki says no, 
sadly, they’re not retreating. They’re handing over their 
weapons and then rolling on their backs and presenting their 
unprotected underbellies to the insurgents. Running away would 
be “a huge improvement”. Though they’re making progress because 
only six of the twenty men on a recent mission to raid an 
insurgent base tipped them off ahead of time. #3 asks if the US 
government has given them all the support and equipment their 
forces need. Maliki says well, it would be nice to have some 
flashlights so they can provide security at night and, you 
know, it would probably be useful if their police stations had 
telephones or at least a wireless telegraph. They got 
cars...which were stolen by insurgents and blown up. So they 
had to replace them with horses and camels...which were also 
stolen and blown up. Oh, which reminds him, the security forces 
could also use some artificial limbs. Bush, upset that no one 
has paid attention to him for a whole five minutes, makes noise 
about wrapping up, but Maliki says he just has one more thing 
to say. Bet you can guess what it is. Live from New York...

Announcer guy bellows that the musical guest is Tenacious D and 
the host is Matthew Fox and the band covers the sound of 
several audience members turning to each other and saying 
“who??” Matthew takes his place on the opening monolog stage 
wearing a rather flattering suit. He babbles about how he’s 
wanted to do this hosting thing for a long time and he came 
close about ten years ago when he was on “Party of Five”. Neve 
Campbell, Jennifer “Boobs” Hewitt and Scott Wolfe all took 
their turns as host. Matthew finds his inner teenager somewhere 
in the middle of this story and starts throwing a lot of 
“likes” and “you knows” into his sentences. So, like, then, you 
know,  “Party of Five” was totally cancelled. So he took up 
drinking, joined the Merchant Marines, killed a couple guys... 
I just realized why I don’t normally recap shows like this: 
it’s impossible to tell when I’m putting words in people’s 
mouths and when I’m quoting directly. For the record, I haven’t 
made anything up so far in this paragraph. He says he knew he’d 
hit bottom once he was on a first name basis with this one 
transvestite hooker in downtown LA... What? I said “so far”! 
Actually, he says he met John Ratzenburger, the only cast 
member from “Cheers” to never host SNL, who told him about all 
the other people who got overlooked among their cast mates for 
SNL hosting like Matt LeBlanc and Kramer from “Seinfeld”. This 
is the cue for a cast member (Bill Hader apparently) doing a 
rather creepy impersonation of Kramer to suddenly come running 
out of nowhere and nearly hip check him from the stage. After 
he gets his heart rate back down to a manageable level and 
stops giggling “Kramer” suggests they co-host. He also calls 
him “Foxy”. Matthew suggests this isn’t the best time for him 
to be doing comedy, which dates this episode. “Kramer”, whose 
hands are spazzing so much they look like hummingbird wings, 
babbles about this new routine he’s got and maybe Matthew could 
help him get a job on “Lost”? Huh? Huh? MY CAREER IS GOING DOWN 
THE TOILET HERE! Matthew says um...no, and “Kramer” mercifully 
leaves without making a scene, which just goes to prove that 
he’s not actually Michael Richards.

And now for a rather disturbing fake ad for Wal Mart. We know 
it’s supposed to be Wal Mart because all the employees have the 
same blue uniforms and the sale tags have the same smiley face 
logo. Really, they’re not even being subtle here. All the 
“employees” gleefully explain how they keep the store’s prices 
low by not having any benefits whatsoever and getting their 
products from sweatshops. Yeah, in case you didn’t know? Wal 
Mart is evil. Shouldn’t they have done this spoof, like, five 
years ago?

Now for Amy Pohler to do what she does best: imitate the 
bitchiest, most obnoxious women the writing staff knows of. 
This time: Nancy Grace, CNN’s resident nutjob, who, judging by 
Pohler’s impression, talks like a drunk woman trying to sound 
sexy. Her first story is Michael Richards racist meltdown at a 
comedy club, which happened, like, a week before this episode 
originally aired. She does a satellite interview with one of 
Richards’ “victims”, a black college professor (Kenan  
Thompson), who kindly retorts that he isn’t really a “victim” 
and this incident is an opportunity to open a dialog about race 
relations. Nancy makes a patronizing face and says that’s 
exactly what she’d expect a victim to say. How is this woman 
not on Fox News? He reminds her he wasn’t actually there. She 
reminds him that he doesn’t need to feel ashamed and suggests 
every black person in America sue Richards. In fact, she thinks 
Michael Richards should sue himself for ruining his career. You 
actually think he had a career before? Anyway, moving on. 

Now she wants to talk about some “legal issues” of her own 
regarding some traffic violations. The camera cuts to Matthew 
in police uniform with a moustache. His character is named 
Officer Tanner and, if his facial hair is any indication, he 
moonlights as a porn star. Nancy asks why he gave her a parking 
ticket. He says she parked in a handicapped spot. She makes 
faces and asks if she’s done that before. He says yeah, pretty 
much once a week. She gets huffy and asks what the hell she’s 
supposed to do when somebody parks in her personal parking 
space and doesn’t not having a parking spot qualify as a 
handicap? Officer Tanner says no, dingbat, and I’m pretty sure 
forcing me to do this interview is illegal if not cruel and 
unusual punishment. Nancy asks if he watches “Seinfeld”. As he 
is male, he of course says yes. She makes more condescending 
faces and says it all makes sense now. Tanner makes baffled 
faces and blinks a lot but before he can tell her to go take 
her meds she decides it’s time for a commercial. Next sketch!

Okay, now we’re on some MTV rip-off show where a tackily 
dressed Kenan Thompson with bleached hair and a douchebag beard 
is apparently going to interview musicians. He announces his 
“new” co-host, who is surprisingly not Matthew. It’s Andy 
Samberg with a ridiculously spiked and multi-shaded hairdo. A 
chyron comes up identifying Thompson as DJ Dynasty Handbag, 
which...really? Are they fucking kidding? Oh, and the new guy 
is “T’Shane”, but really? Handbag? Did we officially run out of 
ideas? Okay, so Handbag introduces his first guest “Beginnings 
Chang” (really? You’re killing me with the names here guys...), 
AKA Maya Rudolph dressed like some bastard combination of Paris 
Hilton and Pink. She sings a very bizarre, lame song wherein 
she shrugs her shoulders repeatedly and calls it dancing. She 
finishes and sits next to Handbag, who praises this song as 
“speaking to everyone”. She sneers that it “speaks” to a 
“tweaked out queen who poked my eyeball with a glowstick”. 
Canvasbag winces and asks if she’s okay. She takes off her 
sunglasses to show the audience her “glass eye”, which 
apparently moves (oops). T’Shane acts like a twit, but I seem 
to have already learned to tune him out since I have no idea 
what the hell he’s saying. 

Handbag moves on to his next guest, who he calls DJ Luxe (oy). 
Some white guy in a shiny jumpsuit with sunglasses and 
sideburns starts doing a really dorky rap while a couple back 
up dancers gyrate in the background and oh mother of god it’s 
Matthew. AUGH! I have no idea what he’s saying, but I’m pretty 
sure it’s just garbled trash talk. The live audience seems to 
find it funny. The weird disco beat in the background dies and 
he shouts “y’all ready? I’m about to get...” and then he just 
drops the microphone on the ground loudly and walks away. I 
turn the video off and laugh quietly until I pee myself. Wow, 
that was... hilariously bad. He sprawls on the couch next to 
Totebag, who asks about the rumors that he’s seeing “somebody 
special”. Matthew puts on his best “white guy pretending to be 
black” voice and says he’s dating K-Fed’s ex, yo. Handbag is 
like Brittany? Matthew says hell no, the chick before her. You 
know? The one that actually wore panties. Attaché asks what her 
name is. Matthew squints at the purple cloud that probably 
surrounds this character and says they haven’t gotten to that 
yet, man. Oy. T’Shane is pretty sure it starts with a “Ch” or 
“Sh” sound and starts blurting out random names until 
Pursestrap shuts him up. Can this skit be over before I’m 
scarred for life? No, unfortunately we have to sit through a 
third guest: Amy Pohler dressed like Bjorn and singing like a 
bad generic pop princess. I’m just going to fast-forward 
through the rest of this, m’kay?

Diandra spends the next commercial break shuddering and 
contemplating the benefits of self lobotomy.

Random New York high-rise. Matthew – dressed normally now - 
gets on an elevator next to Fred Armisen, who glances over at 
him, smirks and announces “I know who you are.” I know I 
haven’t spent much time in New York but I’m pretty sure this is 
not the way you want any conversation with a random New Yorker 
to start. Before Matthew can contemplate using the emergency 
phone he adds “you’re that guy from ‘Lost’.” Oh. Fred says he 
has a theory about the show and Matthew makes a “oh, 
great...here it comes” face and says “yeah? What’s that?” “You 
guys got no idea what’s goin’ on on that island.” HA! He 
theorizes that the writers all sit around asking what the 
hell is going on and nobody has a fucking clue. And then they 
pass the bong around and shrug and say “whatever, let’s focus 
on the love triangle some more. The fans love that!” Okay, so I 
added that last part. Matthew stops biting his tongue and 
promises that they know exactly what’s going on. Fred says 
really? Why don’t you look at me and say that again. Matthew 
looks him in the eye, says “we know. What’s going on.” Pause. 
Fred rolls his eyes and repeats that they have no idea. Matthew 
gives up as Maya Rudolph and Amy Pohler get on on the next 
“floor” and stare at him all star-struck, babbling about what 
big “Lost” fans they are. Fred is like, way to ignore me girls. 
Beat. Amy totally ignores him and turns back to Matthew and 
suggests she has trouble distinguishing reality from fiction by 
asking if he’s “mad” about Kate and Sawyer. Maya scolds her 
because she’s only halfway through season two and she doesn’t 
like spoilers. Like anything having to do with the triangle can 
really be considered a spoiler. They broke up! They’re back 
together! Now she’s with the other guy! Repeat ad nauseum. Fred 
decides to taunt the spoiler virgin by telling her about the 
hatch blowing up at the end of season 2. That’s nothing. Tell 
her about the triangle getting kidnapped by the Others and held 
in the polar bear cages. Hee. Matthew scolds him. Fred whines 
about this supposed “fan” not being caught up and forcing 
everyone to conform to her viewing schedule. He also adds that 
it’s Gwenyth’s head in the box at the end of Se7en, in case she 
hasn’t seen that yet either. Did the SNL writers pull this 
dialogue directly from message boards? I think I’ve heard it 
before... 

Kenan enters on the next “floor” dressed as a UPS guy. He calls 
Matthew “Dr. Jack” and demands to know why the show killed off 
all the black guys. Matthew is suddenly fascinated with the 
lighted numbers over the elevator door. Maya begs them to stop 
spoiling the show for her and Kenan mutters fine, he’ll ask 
next time he shares an elevator with a lead actor from the 
show. “So, what’s the smoke monster,” Fred pipes up. “I think 
it’s nightmares plus trees.” Wha? “Yeah, the ‘Others’, they’re 
ghosts, right?” Kenan adds. Maya starts pounding the floor 
buttons and bolts out when the doors open again, squealing that 
she can’t listen to this anymore. Awkward pause. Amy announces 
that she knew Ben was evil from the beginning. Yeah, and she 
probably knew Claire was Jack’s sister. Sure. Kenan goes right 
back to the black guys all dying thing. Fred would like to know 
what’s up with the polar bears, like anybody is still asking 
about them since they disappeared mid season 1. Matthew begs 
them to stop talking about “Lost”. They do, at which point Andy 
Samberg gets on the elevator dressed as a biker and loudly 
declares “purgatory!” Matthew, wondering why he’s not wearing a 
hat and sunglasses in public, says no, definitely not. Yeah, 
didn’t we officially discount this theory by the end of season 
1? Fred says hey, that theory is better than what they’ve got, 
which is NOTHING. Amy finally explodes and babbles about how 
Kate made a horrible mistake and yeah, Sawyer is a bad boy but 
she always liked Jack better and she doesn’t know if Matthew is 
single but... Matthew heads her off at the pass: he’s been 
married for fifteen years. Amy’s face falls. “Kids?” Matthew 
holds up two fingers. “In that case, keep up the good work, 
it’s a great show,” Amy says flatly. Heh.

The elevator door opens and a rumpled, winded Maya stumbles in 
and starts the same line of questioning Amy just did. “Married 
with two kids,” Fred blurts before she can get far. She says 
oh, okay, and lies down on the floor of the elevator to catch 
her breath. Heh. “See, what I like about this elevator ride is 
that stuff is actually happening,” Fred says. “Unlike your show 
where stuff only pretends to happen.”
   Kenan: I think the whole island is part of Walt’s 
    imagination.
   Adam: Definitely purgatory.
   Fred: I think the island is on the toenail of a giant.
   Matthew mouth: You know what? You’re all right. You’re 
    all geniuses!
   Inside Matthew’s head: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME OFF 
    THIS THING!
The elevator dings and they all crawl over Maya and Matthew 
runs away like his ass is on fire. Heh.

If y’all don’t mind, I’m just going to skip the musical numbers 
and news headlines. Entertaining through they may be they’re 
not exactly recap friendly. Though I probably found the joke 
about the spray-on condom being expected to sell better than 
last year’s iron-on condom funnier than I should have.

And now we seem to have wandered onto the set of “Little House 
on the Prairie”. Amy Poehler watches Kristen Wiig set a pie on 
the banister of a farm house porch and a second later Matthew 
limps up the stairs dressed like a hobo with an unkempt beard, 
weatherbeaten hat and a rifle under one arm. Oh God, this can’t 
be headed anywhere good. “How are you today ladies,” he shouts 
in a twangy accent, stooping forward like he’s either an old 
man or has a hunchback somewhere underneath that getup. “Oh, 
no, it’s Crazy Mountain Man,” the girls wail. Somebody shoot 
me. They tell him to shoo. He begs for a piece of their pie. 
Nope, it’s for the church bake sale. Because they’re good old 
southern Christians who ignore homeless, starving people. 
There’s a couple stilted pleas for him to “git” and he makes a 
noise that is either a half-hearted attempt at an evil chuckle 
or an impersonation of Bush Jr. Notice I haven’t been 
transcribing much of this dialogue. That’s because it is so 
flamingly bad that I just can’t bring myself to type the words. 
I know that’s probably half the joke, but... ::shudder::. He 
begs a bit more, they tell him to shoo some more and he finally 
mercifully ends this drawn out scene by asking if he can at 
least have a kiss. The girls look at each other and say fine. 
One kiss and then he has to scram. Amy Poehler sidles up to him 
and kisses him full on the lips for about a minute. She smiles 
in a way that suggests she is a cat and she may or may not have 
just swallowed a canary and Matthew says “ooooookay, I guess 
I’ll be going back up the mountain.” Kristen says no, wait, he 
has to kiss her too! Matthew shrugs, says today must be his 
lucky day, and puckers up. Kristen breaks character and says 
no, “don’t do it joking. Does that make sense?” Matthew’s 
expression suggests it doesn’t, but he goes along with it and 
kisses her. She smiles like a blushing schoolgirl and squeaks 
out a little “thank you”. 

He starts making noise about going back up the mountain again 
but Amy protests that he can’t until he kisses them again. 
Kristen’s like “yeah, and you’re gonna keep doin’ it till we 
tell you to stop!” Matthew drops the accent and says “Um...I’m 
sorry...has the scene been re-written?” Amy and Kristen start 
babbling about dress rehearsals and it’s been so crazy so yeah, 
if he sticks to the cue cards he’ll be fine. Matthew blinks at 
them, shrugs and gets back into character, reading the 
following from the cue card while I giggle quietly: “All right 
I’m gonna take my britches off while you two ladies lay on top 
of me.” The audience bursts into laughter and he breaks 
character again to say he’s getting really confused. The girls 
blame all changes to dialogue on Lorne Michaels but assure him 
it will be really funny and he should just shut up and take his 
pants off. Matthew gets a look like “gee, like I’ve never heard 
*that* line before”. Oh, and he can drop the accent, they say. 
And the facial hair. They pick up their accents again and ask 
why Mountain Man came down the mountain in the first place. 
Matthew, in a warbling, nervous sounding accent, says “I came 
off that mountain to say...Kristen and Amy are the sexiest 
ladies I’ve ever laid eyes on. What?” “Did you get it,” Amy 
asks. Kristen pulls a tape recorder from her skirt and squeals 
yes and they giggle like jump up and down like little girls.

Matthew asks if he can talk to the writer of this sketch. 
Kristen says he’ll see her in a minute because she wrote 
herself into the scene. Cut to a woman in the same 19th century 
style dress standing on the sidelines drinking from a champagne 
flute. She winks and blows kisses at Matthew. Matthew says 
um...as attractive as you girls might be, I *am* married here. 
Kristen, who probably does a good impersonation of Glen Close 
in “Fatal Attraction” calmly says no, he’s a mountain man and 
therefore he’s not married. “Yet,” Amy adds. “You may now kiss 
the brides.” Matthew starts whining that he worked really 
*hard* on this character! He even got a dialect coach so he 
could work on this “very specific Blue Ridge Mountain Man 
accent”! He knows all of this characters’ hopes and dreams! 
Kristen and Amy apologize and look chastened. Then Amy suggests 
they kiss and make up. This time with tongues. Hee! “No,” 
Matthew practically shrieks. Kristen points out that that’s 
what it says they’re supposed to do on the cue card. Matthew 
says no, absolutely not. “And FYI, you guys smell of booze.” 
Heh. He demands to talk to Lorne. Maya Rudolph, doing an 
impression of Lorne that she probably has perfected in after 
show parties, appears. She apologies and says she thinks 
Matthew might feel better if he came in her office and made out 
with her a little. All three women proceed to chase him in a 
circle around the porch like maybe they wandered into an old 
cartoon while we go to commercial. Did we really just have two 
sketches in a row of girls throwing themselves at Matthew? 
Really? I mean, I know he’s cute, but he’s not Brad Pitt for 
chrissakes. Do they do this with all good looking guys?

When we come back, Kristen is sitting on a couch with Will 
Forte, looking at magazine pictures or something, dressed like 
the dorkiest of suburban clichés. Andy Samberg comes through 
the door with a backpack and Will exposits that the “college 
student” is home. They group hug and “Dad” asks how the 
“history major”s first semester was. He mumbles that it was 
okay. Dad asks what his favorite historical era is. The Bronze 
Age? The Enlightenment? By the way, the walls and shelves are 
all full of historical maps, pictures and fat, dusty books with 
ancient bindings. Andy says yeah, about that...he has something 
to tell them. He changed majors and dropped history. Mom starts 
crying. Son tries to comfort her. Dad yells at him and calls 
him Benedict Arnold. This didn’t get across the craziness 
clearly enough so he throws Arnold’s birth and death dates into 
the sentence. Mom asks what will become of him. Son thinks 
maybe he’ll go into Mathematics. Dad shrieks and the glass of 
scotch in his hand shatters. “No son of mine will ever be a 
math whiz! You’re a history buff and that’s all there is to 
it!” Son yells that they always knew he was the math whiz. He 
used to do equations with this one boy after school. Behind the 
bleachers. Sometimes they would take their shirts off... Oh, 
oops. My mind wandered there. Where was I? They thought it was 
just a phase. He starts reciting derivatives and basic formulas 
while Mom shrieks inconsolably. Dad and son start having a 
ridiculous stand-off where one shouts formulas and the other 
shouts dates and names. Then Matthew enters the room dressed 
like a college professor with Ben Franklin glases and a 
graduation cap with a tassel that looks like it was made of 
Twizzlers and I lean on the fastforward button and forget I saw 
anything.

And now we have a mock History channel special. “For nearly 
2000 years the Mayan civilization dominated central America,” 
the announcer says while pictures of Mayan ruins morph across 
the screen. “Their contributions to humanity are immeasurable – 
including the new world’s first written language, an accurate 
calendar, chocolate and the number 0.” Who wrote this syntax? 
“But their genius was matched only by their thirst for blood 
and war.” In other words? We haven’t come far as a species. 
“They reached their zenith in the 5th century A.D.” The zenith 
of what? Seriously, who wrote this crap? “During the reign of 
King K’Inich Yax K’uk Mo’ (I know I’m putting too much effort 
into these recaps when I spend ten minutes searching for a name 
used in an SNL skit on PBS’s website so I can figure out how 
it’s spelled, but kudos to the SNL writers for doing their 
research and getting the right person).

Cut to Fred Armisen in full Mayan costume with an entire 
peacock plume for a headdress sitting on a throne, addressing 
an army of men. Matthew is standing next to the throne dressed 
like a central American gladiator and holding a spear. Not that 
I can see his face clearly since the camera is a room’s length 
away, but I recognize his tattoo, which this outfit does 
absolutely nothing to hide. It also doesn’t do anything to hide 
his stomach, which appears oddly distended and covered with 
hair as the camera gets closer. K’Inich declares that they will 
attack their enemies the Toltec tonight. Maya, dressed like a 
slave girl, hands him a mug of something. K’Inich asks if the 
men are prepared for battle. Matthew growls that they’ve lured 
the Toltec in and they are surrounding the city walls, but in a 
few hours “we” will massacre them and eat their children. No, 
I’m not making that up. He did say that. On a side note, 
seriously, did he gain weight before this show originally aired 
or is that skirt just too tight? He asks when they should 
strike. K’Inich says hold up a moment and raises his mug, 
asking Maya what is in it. She meekly says it’s chocolate. He 
falls into his best gay princess stereotype and declares it 
“soooooo goooood!” Slurp slurp. What’s in it? Maya’s like 
um...cocoa beans and hot water. K’Inich burbles happily and 
slurps at the mug some more. Matthew reminds him that the men 
are waiting for their orders. K’Inich says oh, right...it’s 
just that this chocolate stuff is so new and so sweet! Last 
night for dessert he had a nut. “I thought we weren’t going to 
talk about that, sir,” a servant boy in the back does not say. 

K’Inich slurps some more and clutches the mug like a giddy 
schoolboy. Matthew reminds him that the enemy is at the gate. 
K’Inich offers him the chocolate. Matthew says no, he must lead 
the men. Also? He has this giant stick up his ass... K’Inich 
insists “try this and I guarantee the next words coming out of 
your mouth are gonna be ‘this is the best thing I ever 
tasted’.” Matthew rolls his eyes, takes a sip and says “this is 
the best thing I’ve ever tasted.” Then he loses his bouncer’s 
posture and leans against the throne, gushing no seriously, 
this is *awesome*. “You know what,” he adds. “I’m a warrior and 
I don’t really express my feelings very well, but I 
feel...loved. Is that weird?” As someone who has threatened to 
explode into a homicidal rage if she didn’t get chocolate, 
like, NOW, I...have no comment. Bill Hader comes in with an 
arrow and an axe sticking from his chest and what may or may 
not be a slab of meat painted on his long knife. “Sir, their 
forces have reached our defenses,” he gasps. “There’s so many 
of them! I’m dying!” Beat. “Are you guys drinking chocolate?” 
They’re all like yeah! Isn’t it great?! Bill says they should 
add cornflower to it and bake it: “it’s like having an orgasm 
in your mouth!” And his last words before he dies are “I call 
them brownies.” Yeah, not quite as immortal as “they couldn’t 
hit an elephant from this dist...” but whatever, dude. K’Inich 
commands everyone to make brownies. Matthew suggests opening 
some sort of store and selling brownies.

Andy Samberg wanders in and wails that the Toltecs are inside 
the fortress and the Mayans are outnumbered. Matthew grins like 
a doofus and says “I honestly don’t care. I can’t stop smiling 
and I just don’t care!” Hee. K’Inich is slouched on his throne 
sipping at the mug and groaning “this is soooooo gooooood!” Cut 
back to the announcer. “And ten minutes later the entire Mayan 
civilization was wiped out.” Ha! “No one really knows why the 
Mayan culture disappeared. Some say disease. I came up with 
this chocolate thing. Got a better theory? Nerd?” Seriously, 
who wrote this?

Matthew reintroduces Tenacious D one last time, still dressed 
in the Mayan costume with full headdress. Jack Black and 
company manage not to laugh.

So all that’s left is the usual SNL closing with everybody on 
stage taking bows and the host thanking everybody. There’s 
nothing in it worth recapping except that I accidentally hit 
the “faster speed” button on the VLC player during it and 
Matthew started sounding like a chipmunk in the middle of 
thanking Tenacious D, which probably got a bigger laugh out of 
me than any of the previous sketches. Seriously, why did I 
recap this? Sigh. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take a 
long shower and eat about a pound of chocolate. What? I’m a 
woman, okay? Bite me.


-Diandra