"Speed Racer" 

Staring: 
Written and Directed by: The Wachowski “Matrix” Brothers

Okay, I’m just going to say this up front and I’m only going to 
say it once. I hate Spritle Racer and his pet monkey. I don’t 
care if they’re your personal favorite characters. If I have to 
recap any scenes of them gnawing on the scenery and acting 
“cute” I will be crawling up the walls by the time I’m 
finished. So as far as I’m concerned, Paulie Litt and the twin 
chimps were not in this movie. That is the last you will hear 
of either of them and anyone who doesn’t like it can bite me.
   Chrissy: Can we get to the seizure inducing special 
    effects and men in spandex already? After that train 
    wreck recapping the X-Files movie I need a good laugh.
   Diandra: You’re not going to slap me if I make slash 
    jokes, are you?
   Chrissy: I’d like to see you try. Half the characters in  
    this movie are related to each other. 
   Diandra: Yeah, like that ever stopped a fandom.
   Chrissy: Yeah, well, I know you. Incest really isn’t 
    your kink.
   Diandra: True. Never mind. 

Before we’re even out of the Production company screens we see 
spiraling, multicolored shapes pinwheeling back and forth like 
one of those kaleidoscope toys kids play with. You know, the 
toilet paper tubes with confetti stuck in one end? Yeah, those. 
Once we’re good an disoriented, we cut to a guy wearing what 
looks like a white body suit, sitting on a locker room bench. A 
voice over a PA calls all drivers to their cars. The guy’s leg 
is jittering like he’s got about a case of Red Bull surging 
through his veins, which switches to a boy’s yellow tennis shoe 
tapping almost as crazily on a classroom floor. The boy is 
taking a test and getting frustrated, erasing more bubbles than 
he’s filling in. He stares at the test question. “Grace buys a 
bag of 240 jellybeans. There are 35 yellow ones, 52 red ones, 
63 green ones, 26 white ones, 41 blue ones and 40 black ones. 
If Grace wants to eat one of each while keeping her eyes 
closed, what is the minimum number she will Blah Blah Blah Blah 
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah -- All drivers to your 
cars, please. All drivers to your cars...” I’m actually not 
making that up. I think I’ve taken that test before. I believe 
the answer was “Grace has way too much time on her hands.” 
Also, if train A is going West at 25 mph and train B is going 
East at 30 mph, eventually they will crash. The boy looks at 
the clock and, when the second hand reaches the 12, he hears a 
non-existent gunshot and starts scribbling frantically.

Cut to Susan Sarandon sitting in the principals office. 
“Distracted,” she asks. The principal – or maybe she’s just the 
teacher and she’s at one of those mythical Hollywood K-12 
schools where every teacher gets their own private office – 
says that’s not really the right word. All he ever talks about 
or seems capable of thinking about is car racing. Mom Susan 
sighs and says well, his father does design race cars. 
Principal asks where daddy is. Uh...working. “Perhaps the apple 
hasn’t fallen far from the tree,” the Principal says dryly. She 
asks who Rex is. His older brother, why? Principal holds up the 
test he turned in last week. He filled in the bubbles to spell 
out “Go Rex!” Cute. I’d have made hearts and Christmas trees. 
Susan makes fish faces and smiles apologetically.

In the classroom, the little boy is scribbling in the margins 
of a test booklet. He has apparently done this on every page in 
the book as he has a little flip animation of two cars crashing 
into each other. He plays with this, providing his own sound 
effects. The camera pans behind him and the classroom blurs 
away, turning into streaks of pretty much every primary and 
neon color you can think of while he makes gestures like he’s 
driving his desk along some sort of invisible race track. A 
couple of sketched cars zip past him, both seemingly driven by 
Ronald McDonald and a couple European sterotypes. They shout 
gibberish at him. His “car” arrives in front of a “stadium” 
that totally looks like a third grader drew it and which has 
signs that say “Go Speed!” and “Yay!” and “[incomprehensible 
squiggle]”. Back in the classroom, a little girl smiles at 
Speed making crowd cheering noises under his breath with his 
eyes closed. The teacher I’ve been identifying as the principal 
looks frustrated. The bell rings and he runs from the room like 
his ass is on fire.

Outside, someone we can assume is Rex is standing next to a car 
across the street while a bunch of really brightly colored 
futuristic cars zip by at 200 mph on the street. Holy shit, the 
colors in this movie make the sets of “Pushing Daisies” look 
dull by comparison. Speaking of which...damn you, ABC. Speed 
jumps in the passenger seat and buckles himself without a word. 
Rex smirks at him. “I take it you’re ready to go,” he says. 
Heh.

As Rex is driving home, he tries to ask Speed about his day at 
school. Speed’s like yeah, we learned about fractions blah blah 
let’s talk about racing. Are you going to the track? Can I 
come? Huh? Huh? Pleeeaaaaaaasssseeeee? Rex doesn’t fall for it 
but puts the blame on daddy, who he says would kill him. This 
is the wrong tack and Speed knows it as he tries to cajole Rex 
into doing it behind his back. I won’t tell, I promise! He says 
please about fifty times and Rex finally sighs and gives in 
just to get him to shut up. 

We cut back to the present where an older Speed puts on his 
jacket, grabs a well-worn picture of Rex and his helmet and 
slams the locker shut.

Wait, now we’re back in the past. Speed is sitting on Rex’s lap 
in a car speeding around a race track, mostly skidding 
sideways. I don’t have much of a maternal instinct but even I’m 
having a heart attack at this flagrant disregard for life and 
limb. Rex is correcting Speed’s technique and babbling about the 
car being a “living, breathing thing” who is “telling you what 
she wants, what she needs. All you gotta do is listen.” 
   Chrissy: I think we just morphed into a whole other 
    conversation here.
   Diandra: Why do guys pay better attention to their cars 
    than their girlfriends?
   Chrissy: Oh, honey, this movie isn’t long enough to get 
    into that discussion.
Then Rex tells him to close his eyes so he can hear better and 
I let out an involuntary squeak. Yeah. You’re going, like, 200 
mph. Closing your eyes is pretty inadvisable right now. They 
gun it over a large gap in the track and when they’re halfway 
across the shot goes into slow motion like just about every 
“cool” ninja move in the Matrix movies in case you forgot who 
the writer/directors of this movie were. I’m totally expecting 
a different car to come down on the other side driven by Speed 
in the present, but we don’t even get that far. Instead, about 
a dozen cars zip right toward the camera and the background 
changes to a night shot. It’s a good thing this movie wasn’t 
shot in 3D or that would have been really alarming.

Okay, before I try to actually recap this scene, let me 
describe the surroundings. It’s night, so everything is lit up. 
With neon-colored lights. The cars are all neon colored blurs 
zipping around the track and every time the camera tries to 
whip around to show the crowd or the announcers or anything 
really it creates a neon streak effect. To top it all, the cars 
are zipping past advertising billboards, flashing various 
product placements and fake companies. If I get all the way 
through this recap without having massive seizures it will 
probably be a miracle. That being said...I have no idea what’s 
going on. And then suddenly there are camera lights flashing 
everywhere in the crowds because YEAH, THE SCREEN WASN’T BUSY 
ENOUGH. Have I mentioned I have ADD? My eyes have absolutely no 
idea where they’re supposed to be focusing right now.
   Chrissy: You’re supposed to be focusing on the lead car.
   Diandra: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE LEAD CAR IS 
    ANYMORE.
Oh, thank god, we’re slowing down. Push in on the lead car. 
It’s Speed. Duh. Announcer yammers about Speed Racer. Then we 
switch to announcers yammering in Italian, Russian and Japanese 
with a whipping camera effect that actually makes my head 
wobble.
   Chrissy: I feel like I should point out that Dee’s 
    actually not kidding. Her eyes are jittering around 
    like Mexican jumping beans. It’s kinda scary.
   Diandra: [massaging forehead] Thanks.
   Chrissy: You need a break?
   Diandra: No, I’m good.

A final announcer ominously hopes that Speed doesn’t make “the 
same mistakes that his brother made.” Some Aussie in the stands 
informs Speed via some sort of comm that some evil looking guy 
named Snake is about to be up his ass. Speed flips a few 
switches in his space car, and a second before Snake plows into 
him the whole damn car snaps it up into the air, Snake’s 
zipping by underneath. Yeah. These are not just futuristic 
cars, they are James Bond rejects that Q deemed “too flashy” 
and which “only a kamikaze whacko” could drive. I have no idea 
what happened next because it happens so quickly and I can only 
freeze frame so much. Also? I don’t really care. Suffice to say 
Snake crashes. I don’t think he’s hurt though. I think he was 
ejected safely from the car via a method that involved 
something that looked like soap bubbles. Anyway, it happens so 
fast that whether or not he’s hurt is irrelevant because he’s 
totally disappeared. In fact, every other driver seems to have 
disappeared and Speed is just zipping around the track, pulling 
a few flashy spins. Aussie’s eyes bug at his stopwatch and he 
asks if Speed knows who he’s racing. Rex suddenly seems to join 
the race in a ghostly red car.

Just to make sure everyone’s confused, we snap backward in time 
suddenly and Speed disappears and Rex’s car becomes real and 
surrounded by totally different racers. Lil’ Speed and Mom and 
a newly introduced “Pops” (John Goodman) are watching, 
marveling that Rex is setting the course record. “My brother’s 
the best racer in the world,” Speed says with stars in his 
eyes. Yeah, probably a good thing he died before he could 
disappoint you then.
   Chrissy: Hey, you’re not supposed to know that!
   Diandra: What? It’s pretty obvious that’s what happened. 
    I mean, unless he faked his death and got a whole new 
    identity and why the hell would he bother with that?
Some “Godfather” reject manhandles Aussie (who doesn’t seem to 
have reverse aged much) and yells that they were supposed to 
“take him out” damnit! Oh. That’s why. Rex spins around a 
corner, goes into slow motion, morphs back into a ghost and 
Speed bursts through him back in the present. Does anyone else 
have a headache? 
   Chrissy: My nose is bleeding. Is that a bad sign?
   Diandra: Nah, probably nothing.

The announcers are all in a tizzy talking about records and 
eight years ago and fancy ass maneuvers and for those of us who 
haven’t caught on yet they blatantly point out that “he’s 
chasing the ghost of Rex Racer.” Mom and Pop are in the 
audience again, along with an annoying little chatterbox who 
shall remain nameless. Also, Christina Ricci is watching from 
somewhere else in the stands and doing her best impression of a 
G-rated sex kitten. Smash back to whenever where Lil’ Christina 
listens to a Lil’ British Tart yammering about how her Daddy 
thinks that whole Racer family is completely insane. Lil’ 
Christina defensively says Speeds not crazy. Tart says yeah, 
he’s just dumb. Well, if he’s too busy thinking about racing to 
pay attention in class he certainly will be. Tart keeps 
needling excessively though, and when she calls Speed a 
“retard” Lil’ Christina punches her in the face. And man, does 
she have a mean right hook. Lil’ Speed notices her as he’s 
driving by in a little kiddy version of his future racecar and 
everything around them blurs into little heart shapes from 
their perspectives. It has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. 
Lil’ Speed is so busy picturing her in a white dress that he 
drives right off the path and into some bushes. Lil’ Christina 
runs after him and finds him in a little clearing with the 
overturned car, covered in rose petals. Oy. He’s like ‘who are 
you, angel of death?’ and she introduces herself as Trixie and 
reminds him she’s in his class. He’s like ‘oh...right. One of 
those smartypants up front I usually only see the back 
of...wanna see my car collection?’ She seems very excited by 
this prospect even though most girls her age are into ugly 
homemade jewelry and hair ties, illustrating very clunkily that 
they are Meant for Each Other.

Still in the past, Speed drives Trixie home in his mini racecar 
(which would probably land him in juvie here in the real world) 
and hands Pops a package some guy gave him. “Says he was a big 
fan.” Pops chest puffs and he says it’s been a while since 
they’ve had somebody with “some taste” around here. “Where is 
he?” Speed says he was kind of in a hurry and rushed off in a 
68 Fendersin after he dumped the package on Speed. Rex drops 
whatever tool he was using to fiddle with his car, grabs the 
package and puts it to his ear. It ticks. So he stuffs it in 
Speed’s empty car, rams a mop onto the gas pedal and sends it 
out onto the street, where it explodes in a big, flashy ball. 
Trixie’s reaction to this knowledge that she barely missed 
being blown up? “Cool beans.” Yeah. You need therapy, kid.

Back in the present, the announcers are rambling about the 
“tragic story of Rex Racer” who was “brave” but a “dishonor to 
his family” who “nearly ruined racing”. They might be saying 
more but at 1,000 words a minute without subtitles I can only 
understand the announcers speaking in English and French. 

Flashback. AUGH! Speed begs to go with Rex wherever he’s going. 
Rex apologetically says he can’t. Speed asks when he’s coming 
back. Rex doesn’t know. So never? He seals his fate by giving 
Speed the keys to his Mach 5, which he doesn’t need anymore. 
“One day, people might say things about me. But no matter what 
they say [...] I hope you never believe them,” he says just in 
case the keys weren’t enough of a signal. Speed promises he 
won’t and they hug. Then Rex walks past Pop on his way out, who 
rants at him for giving up and “selling out” and turning his 
back on their family and their legacy and blah blah “you walk 
out that door now, you better not ever come back!” 

We skip through time a little. Apparently Rex was accused of 
foul play on the race track, possibly actively trying to kill 
other drivers. He went to trial and possibly “took orders from 
the criminal underworld” for five years. Speed becomes 
distraught and starts getting into fights in school. Rex’s 
trial somehow brought down a racing powerhouse connected to 
some gangster currently in prison. I’m starting to feel like I 
need a flowchart to keep track of this backstory. And then we 
see the Racer family staring slackjawed at a news story about a 
crashed race car belonging to Rex while a fireball surges in 
the background. Mom cries, Speed sobs inconsolably and Pop 
probably wishes he and Rex had parted on better terms.

Present. Speed and Rex’s phantom car are neck and neck and the 
announcers are peeing themselves with very vocal excitement. 
Speed looks over at the ghost car and takes his foot off the 
accelerator, crossing the finish line a split second short of 
his brother’s record.

The oldest announcer gets really close to the camera, 
completely ignoring the celebrating going on around him, and 
says “I knew Rex Racer, and if he’s up there somewhere watching 
this race, you can bet your ass he’s damn proud of his little 
brother.” We pull back from this screen to a striking black 
woman casually swirling a martini and noting that Speed is 
going to be a good racer. Next to her, a man half-obscured by 
shadows growls “no, he’s going to be the best. If they don’t 
destroy him first.” And I know we’re apparently not supposed to 
know who this is but I’ve watched every episode of “Lost” and 
spent roughly 48 hours total recapping Matthew Fox movies and 
shows. I would know his voice anywhere even though he seems to 
be trying to alter it by speaking two registers lower than 
normal and like he has a really bad cold. 
   Chrissy: I think I would gladly listen to him read a 
    phone book in that gravely voice.
   Diandra: I don’t doubt you would.
   Chrissy: Mmm...wait, what?
   Diandra: Nothing. Does he have black makeup around his 
    eyes? He looks sort of like he was in a bar fight.
   Chrissy: I think those are shadows, genius. Or at least 
    it’s makeup to make him blend further into the shadows.
   Diandra: Know what else is a giveaway? The slightly 
    crooked nose.
   Chrissy: You’re just trying to goad me, aren’t you?
   Diandra: Hmm? No, I’m just saying...from certain angles 
    his nose makes me think of the Wicked Witch of the 
    West.
   Chrissy: How would *you* like to have a black eye?
   Diandra: Moving on now.

The next two minute scene is totally pointless and ridiculous 
and my mind instantly represses it. There’s something at the 
end about Speed not wanting to talk to sponsors because he 
races for Pops and has no desire to sell his soul to the Devil, 
but I’ll just skip it because I’m sure we’ll come back to it 
later. Many times. 

Breakfast. Aussie is reading aloud from “The Racing Chronicle”, 
which has a full front page article on Speed “dazzling” the 
crowd at the Thunderhead track. Predictably, it makes a lot of 
comparisons between Speed and Rex and ominously predicts that 
this could all go just as bad for Speed. Damn media. Aussie 
can’t understand why there’s no mention of “Racer Motors”. Pops 
grumbles “that’s because the sponsors control the media, 
Sparky.” Is his name really Sparky? Oh, who cares, I’ll call 
him that anyway. Trixie arrives because apparently she’s half-
adopted or something and Speed staggers from the bedroom and 
they make cutesy goopy eyes at each other. She twitters about 
the papers all being in love with him today and Sparky adds 
that they’re all speculating about which sponsor he’ll sign 
with. The whole house shakes, accompanied by what sounds like a 
space shuttle launch. The doorbell rings as the shuttle powers 
down. Pops goes to open the door and finds a guy in a suit 
trying to shout over the racket of the huge purple jet parked 
behind him. The guy makes gestures and very muffled noises to 
indicate that he’d like to come inside. Pops lets him in and 
apparently their house is really super insulated against all 
outside noises because the racket instantly stops without them 
even having to leave the entryway. Can whoever designed that 
come and redo the insulation on my house so I don’t have to 
listen to planes roaring overhead onto the new airport runway 
that nobody asked for or needed at three in the morning? Note 
to the Minneapolis Airport Commission: FUCK OFF AND DIE!
   Chrissy: Okay, let’s just get back to the recap.
   Diandra: [incoherent growling and snarling]

The guy says he’s from Royalton Industries and presents the 
Racer ‘rents with flowers he claims will bloom three times a 
year in different colors each time and very expensive cigars 
from a fictional island. He pointedly asks if he’s interrupting 
their breakfast and Mrs. Racer invites him in for pancakes, 
which he eats like they are literally orgasm inducing. He 
offers to buy Mrs. Racer’s recipe. She thinks that’s ridiculous 
– she’ll give him the damn thing. He says no, no, his company 
has a foods subdivision that could use it for a new line of 
“homecooked meals for travelers”. He finally gets down to 
business and starts kissing Speed’s ass. Some obnoxious little 
“cherub” snits that Speed doesn’t wanna race for him or any 
other sponsor. “Is this your manager, then,” smarmy asks. No, 
just some annoying little useless character. Feel free to 
ignore him. I am. Smarmy blows a lot of hot air about not 
wanting to steal Speed from Racer Motors – he just wants to 
help them out, give them resources and generally make them 
dependent on him and take over their company completely. He 
doesn’t say that last part outright, of course. He then spews a 
probably bullshit story about slaving away on his own car in 
his foster parents basement in his youth before he built this 
corporate conglomerate with his own two hands and the sweat off 
his back.
   Chrissy: I think you’re mixing metaphors.
   Diandra: Whatever.
He says he’s met their family and now he wants them to meet 
his. If by “family” you mean “drones”.

We zoom off to a chaotic skyline that looks like it was 
designed by Lane Smith on a really wild sugar high. Or maybe 
the Vegas casino designers got together with Roald Dahl at some 
point and tried to design an entire city while on a meth trip. 
It’s really cluttered and futuristic and flashy and seizure 
inducing is what I’m saying.
   Chrissy: You just described the entire movie.
   Diandra: Yeah, pretty much.
The jet has one of those viewing windows in the floor like 
you’d normally find in aquariums, through which Sparky points 
out the coliseum for the Grand Prix, which Smarmy has no doubt 
Speed could possibly win one day. They arrive at a swoopy, high 
tech skyscraper soulless corporate headquarters with drones 
racing around on segues in little hard hats and lab coats. The 
hats are different colors, which I assume identifies which 
department they work in. Smarmy rambles about how wonderful it 
all is and look, they even have a really fast, fully automated 
plant to build cars that would significantly decrease Mr. 
Racer’s standard labor time at Racer Motors. Oh, screw this. 
Let’s just say the guy’s evil and trying to take over the world 
and leave it at that. And apparently they design cars whose 
drivers have to withstand 4 Gs of force and whiplash that would 
snap any normal human’s neck like a twig. 
   Chrissy: I love how the company logo is a giant 
    “registered” symbol...with a small “registered” symbol 
    next to it.
   Diandra: Yeah, although a pitchfork with a curly, 
    pointed tail would probably have been more appropriate.

They enter a swanky ballroom with classical music playing and 
giant chandeliers and I get the feeling every set in this movie 
was designed as a giant over-exaggerated cliché. Smarmy 
introduces Speed to some apparently famous racer who won a 
whole bunch of really big races. His nickname is “Cannonball”, 
which...yeah, who wants to get into a car with a guy nicknamed 
after something designed to smash into things at destructive 
speeds? They make pointless small talk and Cannonball assures 
Speed that if he wants to win in the big leagues, he needs 
Smarmy. Smarmy grins and probably slips him a fifty. 

They finally settle down in a penthouse suite that would 
probably make Donald Trump blush...if he were capable of such a 
thing and gives Speed a brand new expensive suit, which he 
disappears to change into. Pops, bless him, is not impressed so 
much as disturbed and intimidated. He rambles about how people 
with as much money as this guy start thinking they’re gods and 
the rules no longer apply to them, which is completely true if 
overly simplified. 
   Chrissy: [flaming sarcasm] Oh, really? Is that why the 
    economy is in the tank?
   Diandra: Shh. Back to work, drone.
But, dad rambles, the best things he ever did in his life are 
marry his wonderful wife and produce two...sorry, three sons so 
if Smarmy can get Speed to make a deal with the Devil, then 
he’ll go along with it. Speed returns in the suit and Trixie 
drools a bit. Smarmy says he can have the suit even if he 
doesn’t agree to sign with him. Right. So, about that deal... 
Speed is naturally overwhelmed and he needs some time to think. 
Smarmy doesn’t really like that idea and tries to pressure him 
some more, like a good salesman. Speed says well, if he had to 
give him an answer right this minute, honestly, he’d 
probably...Smarmy, recognizing by the blatant body language 
that this is headed for a rejection, cuts him off like ‘no, 
never mind. Just think about it.’ He puts a hand on his 
shoulder, looks him in the eye and very slowly tells him to 
think about it and they’ll talk next week. Look deeeeeeppppp 
into my eyes...you *will* come over to the dark side!

And now we’re in a room somewhere and an Asian guy is getting 
the crap beat out of him while Don Corleone’s younger Aussie 
brother moans that he thought they had a *deal*. Asian guy’s 
name is Taejo and Corleone Down Under says he really likes him 
and he *really* likes his sister (ew). CDU unwraps a piece of 
raw turkey leg and dumps it in the tank of piranhas behind him 
and they strip it clean in a blur of movement before it hits 
the bottom. A couple henchmen go to untie Taejo, who is 
squealing in terror and wishing he had watched more James Bond 
movies. Lead Henchman assures him it’ll only hurt for a few 
seconds and he’ll probably black out through most of it. CDU 
raves that if he even thinks of ratting them out, his sister 
will be next. You can’t wait a few minutes to make that threat? 
Hmm. Lucky for Taejo, before they can totally submerse his hand 
in the tank an alarm starts bleating. A phone on the desk 
rings. CDU answers snippily and a woman driving a rig says 
“someone’s tailing us”. Gah. Yes, the perfectly stationary 
looking room is actually inside an eighteen wheeler going, 
like, 90 mph. Because if anything in this movie slows down for 
longer than two minutes it might implode. One of the henchmen 
looks through a peephole and CDU asks if it’s “him”. Henchman 
says uh...maybe? I’m not really sure... The bright yellow 
racecar behind them zips closer and starts darting around 
behind and to the side of them like a distressed hummingbird. 
Yep, it’s him, CDU concludes and everybody starts retrieving 
guns, which they poke out from various peepholes. 

They start shooting and the whole rig swerves across the road 
and the guy in the car just slams on the brakes and spins to 
the other side of the rig and zips in front of it while the 
henchmen are trying to reposition. A big machine gun emerges 
from the front of the rig and CDU, at the controls in the back, 
locks target on the car. I giggle when the center of the 
crosshairs on the control screen appears as an evil looking 
smiley face. I burst into insane laughter when his lock on the 
target is accompanied by a sound normally found in video games 
from the 80s. Oh, it’s Superman III all over again. Awesome. He 
fires and the car pulls the same trick as Speed’s, launching 
into the air to let the missile pass underneath. How many 
points is that? Then it spins around and keeps driving backward 
without missing a beat, swerving to avoid a couple more 
missiles. Then some guns unfurl from the back and sides of the 
car and the shots from both sides manage to meet in the middle 
and create a giant fireball that goes up over the nose of the 
rig, causing it to swerve and take out a guard rail. Everything 
and everyone inside the rig goes sliding, the rig skids to one 
side and the car’s bullets riddle up and down the broadside. 
All action goes into extreme slow motion on the chaos inside so 
the Wachowski brothers can attempt to recreate a battle scene 
from The Matrix. 

As they’re taking a moment to recover, CDU notices the gushing 
hole in the fish tank and yells at the nearest henchman to 
stick his finger in the hole to stop the gushing. Apparently, 
the pain of doing this is nothing compared to the pain of 
disobeying an order as the guy does it rather easily with a 
whimper. CDU goes back to talking to the woman driving while 
the henchman screams and writhes in the background. Is that 
supposed to be funny? ‘Cause it really isn’t.
   Chrissy: Says the person who grew up on Loony Toons.
   Diandra: That’s cartoon violence. It really doesn’t work 
    when the characters are living people and not drawings 
    or computer generated creatures that bounce right back.
Driver says they can’t take any more damage. CDU tells her not 
to stop and his henchmen toss Taejo out the back, which 
miraculously doesn’t kill him.
   Chrissy: You keep trying to apply Earth logic to this 
    movie. Stop it.
   Diandra: Sorry.

The yellow car stops on a dime a few feet away from him and the 
driver gets out. And...yeah, it’s Matthew Fox in a full body 
black suit and sunglass-thingee combination that covers 
everything but his nose and lips and probably leaves little to 
the imagination. I say probably because it’s nighttime and the 
black is kind of blending with the background except for the 
areas on his forehead and chest that are crossed with big white 
“X”s. 
   Chrissy: And I’m not having any trouble “imagining” 
    anyway, thank you.
   Diandra: [shudders]
   Chrissy: Oh, quit acting like you don’t have a crush on 
    the man too.
   Diandra: Not really. And I certainly have no desire to 
    see him naked, thanks.
   Chrissy: We’ll discuss your issues with denial later. 
    Get back to recapping.
Matthew – who I’ll just start calling Racer X because I’m not 
sure when or if his name will ever be mentioned – stands over 
Taejo and growls “are you hurt?” Taejo blinks up at him like 
‘dude, why are you talking like that? You sound like you’re 
trying out for a porno,’ and says no. X snaps at him to get up 
then.

They zip away down the road and Taejo manages not to grip the 
seat and arm rests in terror as X winds along treed, cliff side 
roads at breakneck speed which is better than I’d be faring. He 
thanks X for saving him. X grumbles that he needs to get smart 
“real fast” and stop trying to take on the “cartel” all by 
himself or it will all have been pointless. Well, aren’t you a 
bright ray of fucking sunshine. “You have been on Cruncher 
Block’s leash for so long, maybe you forgot how it feels to 
stand up and be a man,” he growls. Seriously, why is he talking 
like this? It sounds like every word is straining to claw out 
of his throat past a barren wasteland filled with giant 
boulders.
   Chrissy: I’m not sure that actually makes sense.
   Diandra: Shut up, you.
He adds that the only way to stop these people is to “bring 
them to justice”. And that line fell flatter than his tone. 
Taejo doesn’t really believe in justice. X screeches the car to 
a halt and snarls at him to get out. Taejo does so without 
argument and says “I’ll see you at Fuji.” X snits that he won’t 
finish and when he loses, “if you can still dial a phone”, he 
should call the number on this card. He hands him a business 
card that says “CIB” and “Inspector Detector” on it. As if the 
names weren’t bad enough, the logo is terribly boring and 
unoriginal.

Elsewhere, Speed and Trixie are parked at some lover’s lookout 
point or something. She can’t believe he’s really considering 
signing a deal with Smarmy. He says he’s still thinking about 
it. And while we’re talking about weird vocal manipulations, 
why is Christina Ricci talking in a breathy little girl’s 
voice? Speed blathers about how Smarmy’s team has won a lot of 
major league races. “And since when did winning become so 
important,” she squeaks. Speed says he has to win if he wants 
to keep driving races and that’s all he knows how to do, so... 
“That’s not true,” says the deluded woman-child. Speed exposits 
that he couldn’t have made it through high school without her 
holding his hand. There’s some cutesy little relationship 
discussion, but I’m afraid if I recap the details I might 
actually get a cavity from the sweet overkill. He paints an 
image of him crossing a finish line, sweeping her into his arms 
and kissing her amid blinding flashbulbs and she practically 
hyperventilates. “Oh, God, I’m gonna hurl,” an annoying little 
voice groans from the trunk where He Who Will Not Be Named is 
hidden. As much as I hate this character, this is his one 
redeeming moment. It’s not enough for me to stop ignoring him 
for the rest of the movie though. 

Okay, now there’s a conversation between Smarmy and some random 
henchman about a transponder that can go over 800 kilometers an 
hour and if a car with one of *those* in it won the Grand Prix, 
the asking price would surely go up. And if one company is 
controlling the output of all the world’s transponders... Yes, 
yes, supply and demand 101 you will be richer than God. The 
comic-book profile sliding across the screen effect shots of 
these guys is giving me motion sickness. Smarmy makes an offer 
to this apparent bigwig to deliver the rival he’s been trying 
to buy out for years – Togokahn – on a silver platter. Bigwig 
says if Smarmy can do that, he’ll gladly sell him his soul. 
Factory. I meant factory.

Speed goes back to talk to Smarmy. Smarmy shows him the mock-
ups of their new logo – a slightly more stylized “registered” 
symbol with a few stripes shooting off the sides. Apparently, 
they’re still working on it.
   Chrissy: I’ll say.
Smarmy’s like, ‘so, you’ve been giving this deal some 
thought...I just want to remind you that the future of your 
whole family is riding on this. We’re not above breaking thumbs 
to convince you.’ Or words to that effect. Just say yes. Come 
on. You know you want to. Speed hems and haws for about five 
hours. Then he rambles about racing meaning everything for his 
family and he was “tooling timing pins” with Daddy before he 
was out of diapers, but...you know...when big brother died it 
all kind of went to hell and Daddy practically gave up the 
company. The background behind him shifts and spins around 
until Speed is out of frame as he describes watching some old 
races with Pops one night and suddenly spontaneously cheering 
one of the drivers on. Well, that’s really easy to do when it’s 
an old race you already know the outcome of. Or it’s hopelessly 
disappointing depending on who you’re cheering. 

So, to make a long story short...
   Chrissy: Too late.
...they realized racing is just in their blood, but it’s more 
than a sport for Pops, it’s “like a religion” 
   Diandra: Yeah? Most sports are that way. Hence my issues 
    with sports.
   Chrissy: And religion.
And in their house the big sponsors are basically the devil so 
the short answer is thanks but no thanks. Smarmy chuckles 
evilly and says “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that little 
sickening schmaltz” and give you another chance. Heh. He’s a 
jackass, but you gotta love that his response to a meandering 
sob story is “oh barf. Let’s try that again, shall we?” 

He points out a poster cut out of five black and white (the 
photos are black and white...the men are all white) men in top 
hats, who he calls the “five most powerful men in the world at 
the turn of the last century” who created the world’s first 
racing league. There’s some stock footage of old Fords whose 
top speed was 30mph.
   Chrissy: As compared to current Fords which get closer 
    to 40. 
   Diandra: Oh, har har. You should do stand-up.
He rambles about some other racer in the race Speed and Pops 
were watching who flamed out so embarrassingly that the company 
he was driving for saw a drop in stocks, which the CEO took 
advantage of by buying up a controlling interest at a low price 
and then merging with the company whose racer won. Smarmy 
points out the window and says just about everything with a 
motor out there is powered by that company’s fuel cells. He 
finishes this rant with a line about racing having nothing to 
do with cars and drivers and everything to do with power and 
money. Then he shatters Speed’s schoolboy illusions by saying 
the winner of the race was decided a week before because big 
corporations basically always decide the Grand Prix results. 
“This is the true heart of racing, boy. This is my religion.” 
He rolls his eyes at the shock and disbelief on Speed’s face 
and asks again. “You ready to put away your toys and grow up?” 
and make more money in “one year” than his father ever made and 
become a “real racecar driver”. Speed hands him the suit he got 
in the last scene and says if this is his idea of racing he can 
shove it. Smarmy snarls and puts on his prophet cap, predicting 
that Speed will go to Fuji and try to prove Smarmy wrong, but 
he won’t win. In fact, he won’t even finish the race. Oh, good. 
He and Taejo will have something to bond over.

We cut directly to what is presumably this Fiji race on a track 
designed by people who normally design roller coasters. A 
couple random drivers try to knock Speed off the track and X 
swoops in and takes them out in big balls of flame with 
maneuvers too quick for the human eye to actually catch. They 
ride side-by-side for a few seconds and Speed looks at him like 
“wanna piece of me?” and zips ahead of X. Dude, you’re not bad-
ass. Don’t even try. An announcer calls X “The Harbinger of 
Boom” and I’m not sure whether I should laugh or just groan at 
the lameness. Apparently, they’re kind of used to seeing 
carnage in his wake. Somebody tries to run off Taejo, who flips 
his car up and over the guy and gives him what appears to be 
the motorized version of a bitch slap, sending him into a rock. 
What the? And now we’re in full-on video game mode as everybody 
goes around a giant loop and starts fishtailing. Taejo smashes 
into somebody and there’s a massive explosion that apparently 
doesn’t kill either of them as the announcers talk about them 
needing to be fished from the water. What kind of protective 
bubble do these cars come with? Is that why X doesn’t seem to 
be wearing a helmet? 

Apparently there’s only one racer between Speed and the finish 
line now: some guy nicknamed “The Grey Ghost”. Except the guy 
in the red car behind him slams into his side, attaches their 
cars together somehow and they both spin out and flip over a 
few times and Speed is surrounded by those soap bubbles. “Soon 
after that, there will be litigation against some of your 
father’s designs,” Smarmy continues. Wait, that all didn’t 
actually happen? We’re still in Trump Tower listening to Smarmy 
play Nostradamus? Aurgh. Apparently, Pops will be sued for 
infringement. Whether it’s legit or not makes no difference as 
the sole purpose of it is to discredit Pop’s company. “Within a 
year, he’ll be filing for bankruptcy,” Smarmy smarms. “Pops is 
right,” Speed murmus. “You are the Devil.” 
   Chrissy: Oh, really? What gave it away? The pointy tail?
   Diandra: I’d say the horns.
Smarmy has Speed thrown out of the building. Speed flatly says 
he’ll see him in Fuji, where Smarmy vows he’ll realize what a 
mistake he made.

So Speed is in some locker room type place some unidentified 
time later when he is approached by Richard “Shaft” Roundtree, 
who he calls “Ben Burns”. Damn. Does that man ever age? What 
the hell is his secret? Shaft compliments Speed on his race and 
those fancy moves he hasn’t seen in years. Speed moans that it 
didn’t matter since he still lost. Wait, so that race scene did 
happen? These time jumps are killing me.
   Chrissy: Says the woman who could make a flowchart of 
    all of the time shifts on “Lost” off the top of her 
    head.
   Diandra: That’s different. At least that show gives some 
    indication of when you’re jumping through time *before* 
    the nosebleeds and disorientation start. 
Shaft just says yeah, true that, and wishes him luck. He starts 
to leave but Speed has one more question: did he know he was 
going to win that old race referenced in the last scene and 
whose winner I didn’t name (whoops)? Shaft just makes some 
nonanswer comment about him and the guy who came in second not 
really hating each other like everyone thought.

Sparky reads another article about the litigations surrounding 
Dad’s company and Speed being just another shameful cheater 
like his brother. Speed numbly mumbles that Smarmy said this 
would happen. Pops says they did the same thing to Rex – it’s 
just a scare tactic. They want a fight and they’ll get it. 
Speed has no idea how they’re supposed to do that. Pops just 
says the truth will out. Speed rightly calls that naïve 
thinking and goes off to his room to sulk.

Mom goes to check on him and they have the standard “have I 
made a mistake?” conversation. Blah blah maybe it is all just 
business blah blah you are special and gifted and I love you 
blah blah your brother almost killed you because you insisted 
on him letting you drive blah. She calls him a sort of artist. 
Who takes a sledgehammer to his paintings, maybe. She watches 
him race because it’s so “beautiful” and “inspiring” even 
though she has her eyes closed half the time because it’s also 
terrifying and ulcer inducing to watch your child basically 
play Russian Roulette with his life. Besides, he makes his 
father so proud and that makes her proud too. Everything will 
work out! She knows it!

We mercifully leave this sentimental drivel as X and 
his...lackey? ring the doorbell. Unfortunately, some little 
overdramatic brat opens the door, slams it in his face and 
hides behind a couch screaming things like “we’re all gonna 
die”. Yeah, he’s not that scary looking. Outside, X grumbles 
that this is a bad idea. Lackey says if it was anyone else he’d 
be here. Huh? Pops opens the door and greets Lackey as 
“Inspector Detector”. Oh. 

ID, Speed, Pops and Sparky sit around talking while X stands 
nearby doing an impression of a bouncer. ID says they’ve been 
trying to get Smarmy’s company for corporate crimes – including 
race fixing - for a long time but they can’t get enough 
evidence to convict. He glances at X and says Captain Sunshine 
over here works with their WRL Corporate Crimes Division and 
helps them recruit drivers. Some nameless person asks why he 
always wears that mask.
   Chrissy: You’re really sticking to your guns with the 
    Ignore Sprittle thing, aren’t you?
   Diandra: Who?
ID says if anyone knew X’s identity he’d be targeted by their 
enemies, “which include some of the most vicious fixers in the 
world.” Speed asks what this has to do with him. ID asks if he 
knows Taejo. Speed’s like “what, that guy who spun out right in 
front of me and nearly knocked me off the track? Yeah, I’ve 
heard of him.” Apparently, he’s been “contracted by a fixer 
named Cruncher Block” for years. Block, apparently, is CDU, who 
we are shown smirking at a henchman threatening to drop Taejo 
off a skyscraper, while ID says Taejo tried to resist after 
being forced to lose several races. He has enough to connect 
CDU to Smarmy and put them in jail for the rest of their lives. 
I’m sorry, can I pause for a minute? Matthew? Could you step, 
like, six inches to your right so your crotch is not hovering 
over this guy’s shoulder while he’s talking? It’s rather 
distracting. Or, I should say, the fact that Chrissy is 
currently giggling over this unfortunate framing and drooling 
on my left shoulder is distracting me.
   Chrissy: Yeah...”unfortunate”. (giggle)

Where was I? Right. Taejo won’t give them the info, though, 
unless they help him stop his family’s company’s takeover. He 
thinks if he can win the upcoming race it will give the family 
company a boost and kill the takeover. Speed says but there 
aren’t any other races except for the Grand Prix which they 
both failed to qualify for. ID’s like ahem, uh...yeah. There 
aren’t any more *track* races, but there is a cross-country 
rally at Casa Cristo. While the ‘rents are freaking out over 
this ID apologetically says Taejo only agreed to the deal if he 
can get X and Speed on his team. Pops thinks he’s insane. 
“Rally racing is a back-alley sport filled with jackals, 
headhunters and thugs [...] I’ve already lost one son to that 
deathtrap. I won’t lose another.” ID apologizes for wasting 
their time and he and X slink off. 

Back at Lover’s Lane. It’s storming outside. Inside the car, 
Speed’s telling Trixie his plan to take the offer and chance to 
destroy Smarmy despite Dad’s objections. Trixie goes along with 
it and says he’ll need her help building an alibi. He says no, 
it’s to dangerous for a little female like her and she says if 
tries to argue with her she’ll tell Daddy and he’ll be locked 
in his room for the rest of his life. Heh. 

So. Casa Cristo. The announcer describes the race as “spanning 
two continents, three climate changes and 5,000 kilometers of 
the most winding and treacherous roads ever raced.” Also? The 
spectators apparently watch from helicopters, which they seem 
to fly themselves.

In some dark recesses somewhere ID thanks Speed for helping 
them on this. Speed says he really doesn’t give a flip about 
corporate crimes or ID’s operation, he’s just doing this 
because somebody’s trying to hurt his family and he’s looking 
for revenge. The camera cuts to X a couple times, who is 
looking a bit shifty.

One of the announcers admits – with a really thick French 
accent – that there were “a few” fatalities a few years ago on 
this race, which has kind of given it a bad reputation and the 
nickname “The Crucible”. In the dark room, ID confirms that the 
racers in it are some of the most dangerous in the world who 
will do anything to stop him.

On that note, we get a briefing on the gadgets in his car by a 
blacker, more female version of Q. The windshield around the 
cockpit is bulletproof, the tires are shielded against attack 
and the spare automatically inflates, much like Bond’s Ashton 
Martin. There are also sawblades mounted on the front, spikes 
that can be activated on the tires and a homing device with 
video. That sound you hear is the new Q frantically taking 
notes, though I’m sure all of these bells and whistles were 
used by the original Q at least once. Meanwhile, the announcers 
are describing some of these “illegal” modifications and 
denying that any but a few “bad apple” racers actually use 
them. Sure. We swoop down and get X-ray glimpses of such 
modifications in some of the cars, including tanks of something 
with a skull and crossbones on it and mace balls. At least, 
Frenchie says, they try not to get caught using them.

A heavily made up Asian girl with insanely puffy lips tries to 
talk Taejo out of this. Family honor aside, is this really 
worth dying over? He says he doesn’t have a choice and “he’s 
your father too.” 

In yet another snippet of a flashback or flashforward or 
flashsideways, Speed and Trixie stand by a memorial to all the 
racers who died trying to finish this race, which includes Rex 
and several people with really ridiculous names. He says he 
finally understands his brother was trying to change this 
corrupt business and “they” killed him for it. And then we 
randomly cut to X sitting in his car, ready to start the race 
and shooting glances at Speed. Yeah. Hold that thought. There’s 
some ritual about the “Queen” of Casa Cristo – a striking woman 
in a bright red fluttery dress and enough bling to cause an 
accident right off the bat - starting the race when she sees 
the sun rise. Then we cut back again to CDU having to deal with 
a diva of a racer who thought this was supposed to be *his* 
race and he wanted to *win* and wahhhhhh! CDU tells him if he 
can take out Taejo and prove himself he can have it. This guy, 
who I will call Greaser because his hair is so shiny it looks 
like an actual oil slick (and because he dresses like he just 
wandered off the set of “Grease”), is currently sitting in a 
leopard print car in a leopard print outfit and smirking 
evilly. The queen fires the starter pistol and everyone takes 
off in a roar of smoking tires.

I don’t know what they’re racing through but there are pillars 
everywhere and several drivers are banging into each other 
already. Speed flips over one redshirt, who smashes into a 
pillar, car parts flying everywhere. The guy with the toxic 
waste tanks tries to use them on Taejo, but X rear ends him and 
he ends up shooting it at someone else, who flips over and 
smashes, forcing everybody to jump their cars over the slow 
motion wreck. The announcers babble about Taejo’s team meaning 
business as the cars zip around a few curves and out into the 
desert, losing a few redshirts along the way. The announcer 
says the guy leading is “Snake Oiler”, AKA “Greaser”, which is 
a painfully appropriate name. And I just realized his helmet is 
in the shape of a coiled snake. Ew. A couple of bad ass women 
from Snake’s team surround Speed and batter him a little. Taejo 
is surrounded by a couple of what looks like military 
guerillas. And X is surrounded by a couple of guys who wandered 
off the set of a Viking movie. Great. Where did they find these 
bad guy lackeys, Cliches R Us? One of the bad ass chicks 
punctures one of Speed’s tires. Speed spins out for a minute 
and flips up into the air to inflate the spare, then darts back 
into the fray, engaging his tire shields so she can’t do it 
again. The spear and shield recreate a scene from a gladiator 
movie and I laugh until I cry at the ridiculousness of it. Then 
he gets behind the women, engages the sawblades of death and 
takes them both out in a whirlwind of desert sand and spinning 
cars. I’d like to know just how much money the Wachowski’s 
spent on the special effects of a movie that tanked because it 
couldn’t figure out who its audience was.
   Chrissy: No, you wouldn’t.

Speed joins up with Taejo and snarkily asks if any of these 
drivers are familiar with the rulebook. Heh. One of the Viking 
clichés abandons X for a minute to take a flying leap at Speed, 
missing completely and vaulting right over him. The mace balls 
shoot out the back of one of the Viking’s cars and he starts 
spinning circles, flipping them at X. X just cuts sharply past 
two other drivers, flips up over Taejo and butts one of the 
Guerillas. Then Speed gets the Viking distracted chasing him 
while X sneaks up behind and batters him a little. The other 
Viking tries to hurl a hive of angry bees onto Speed (no, I’m 
not kidding), but X warns him in time for Speed to butt the guy 
and send the bees right back onto him. This pisses off the mace 
Viking, who bellows angrily and goes to flip over Xs car. X, in 
possibly the best defensive maneuver yet, springs his car up to 
meet him and, when their faces are inches apart, punches him. 
They land and X vaults over the startled guy without missing a 
beat and chuckles. Now really pissed off, the Viking takes a 
flying leap at Taejo, who Speed defends in a maneuver I can’t 
even begin to track. Seriously. He butts the Guerilla next to 
him and suddenly they’re both airborne, spinning over Taejo and 
knocking the Viking away and Michael Giachinno is blaring a 
heroic brassy trill. The announcers are peeing themselves in 
excitement at what they call “a rear single-set jump into a 
flying kick.” 

We take a break for a moment to check in with the world’s most 
obnoxious scenery munchers, which I only mention because they 
inadvertently stumble onto the fact that Speed has entered 
himself in the race he wasn’t supposed to be in. Brilliant, 
Speed. You didn’t think maybe your parents would catch on to 
the lie seeing as the race is being BROADCAST TO THE GENERAL 
PUBLIC? Genius.

Back in Casa Cristo, the racers are ending the first leg of the 
race, led by Snake. Joy. Taejo is not happy with this and 
screams at X and Speed that if they keep this up they’re going 
to lose. Speed notes that Snake is weak on turns so they’ll 
pull ahead in the mountains. Taejo says yeah, maybe, “if you 
stop showing off.” Speed says he was just saving Taejo’s ass, 
which is true, but he says it with this tone and expression 
that make me want to slap him. Taejo goes to punch him and X 
catches his fist and says they still have a ways to go so let’s 
not devolve into infighting yet. And for a second, Matthew 
slips into his normal voice, which only reminds me of how 
absurd the gravely “I am a dark, mysterious, angsty stranger” 
voice is. Taejo sulks off and X tells Speed a guard will be 
posted outside his door. “We got their attention today. You and 
Trixie should be very careful tonight.” How would them using 
protection have anything to do with...oh. Right. Speaking of 
rubber, can I ask what fetishist designed Matthew’s costume? I 
know it’s a vast improvement over the original Racer X outfit 
and Matthew said in some interview somewhere that his son would 
find it cool, but...well, let’s just say if it was my father 
prancing around in a dominatrix outfit and a skull cap I’d be 
telling everyone I was adopted.
   Chrissy: Tell me you didn’t just compare Matthew Fox to 
    your father.
   Diandra: Oh, look who decided to stop drooling and 
    rejoin the recap. And no, there’s not enough therapy in 
    the world that could undo that damage. I’m just saying, 
    when his kids are teenagers they will look back at this 
    and decide that their dad is a hopeless dork.
   Chrissy: In other words, they will be normal teenagers?
   Diandra: Pretty much.

X starts to saunter out the door, which I imagine was 
accompanied by a lot of squeaking leather before ADR. 
   Chrissy: Would you look at that ass?
   Diandra: Is that a gun holster strapped to his side?
   Chrissy: You’re hopeless, you know that?
“I thought we made a good team today,” Speed calls after him. 
“It felt like we’ve been doing it for a long time.” X turns his 
head as far as he can with the leather hoodie and is like 
‘yeah, whatever, kid. I’m totally not your brother. Stop 
looking at me like that.’ 
   Chrissy: You’re not supposed to know that either. 
   Diandra: Oh, come on! How many people going into this 
    movie *didn’t* know that? Matthew even said it in an 
    interview! And really? RacEr X. Not the best alias. 
    Plus, I’m getting tired of pretending that it’s just a 
    coincidence that every time anybody mentions Speed’s 
    dead brother the camera randomly cuts to X looking 
    uncomfortable. Remember that first scene with X where 
    the announcer in the background was yammering about Rex 
    watching somewhere and being really proud of his little 
    brother? Yeah. I’m surprised the television wasn’t 
    crushed by the giant anvil.
   Chrissy: Are you finished?
   Diandra: (deep breath) Yeah. I’m good.

Smarmy calls CDU to scream at him for not doing his job. CDU 
points out that the race isn’t over. Smarmy makes vague threats 
about what will happen if the heroes cross the finish line.

Speed, meanwhile, is telling Trixie about how weird it was that 
he and X seemed to know exactly what the other was going to do 
before he did it. He goes out on a short limb to point out that 
X first showed up two years after Rex died. Trixie gently 
reminds him they buried Rex. Speed says they buried *someone*, 
but the body had been badly burned by the crash so nobody could 
have identified it as him. And apparently this was all before 
DNA was discovered. Or dental records. Trixie says Speed really 
thinks he faked the crash with someone else’s body in the 
driver’s seat? Um...yeah. Speed also notes the soap bubble 
system was disabled at the time and ID always suspected foul 
play but nothing could be proven. Trixie isn’t sure Rex would 
have put his family through that. Speed thinks maybe he didn’t 
have a choice. Suddenly the guard outside knocks on the door 
and asks if Speed knows the small family standing in the hall 
around a very angry man. Heh.

Dad paces the room sometime later, ranting at Speed and Trixie 
for going behind their back and entering the race knowing full 
well what it’s already done to the family and did they think 
about that for one minute? Speed moans that he has, but they’re 
in trouble and it’s his fault. Pops says entering this race 
isn’t here or there. “You think you can drive a car and change 
the world? It doesn’t work like that!” Speed calmly says he has 
to do *something* and it’s all he knows how to do. You can 
thank Trixie for that. All that bailing him out in school and 
social promotion kept him stupid. Dad says fuck that, we’re 
going home. Get packing. Speed puts his foot down and says he’s 
not going anywhere. Pops starts looking like he might have an 
aneurism. “I’m not a child, Pops. You can’t tell me how to live 
my life.” The rest of the family starts cringing and staring 
with open mouths and wondering if maybe they should duck before 
Pops explodes. Pops yells that he sounds just like his brother. 
“You wanna die like him too? Will that make you happy?” 
‘Actually, I think he might be right across the hall. Wanna 
talk to him?’ Speed doesn’t say. Instead he gets up in Pops’ 
face and accuses him of feeling guilty about Rex and taking it 
out on him. Mom breaks it up before it can get any uglier and 
says if they’re staying, everybody’s staying and they should 
really just get a room. Pops grumbles and changes the subject. 
They added crap to the car, huh? Probably threw it out of 
whack? He drags Sparky with him to presumably fix it. Speed 
reassures Mom that it will all be okay and she hugs him 
tearfully.

Sometime during the night ninjas creep into the hotel, knock 
out the guard outside and drip something into Taejo’s mouth. 
Then one ninja sneaks into somebody else’s room and blows a 
dart into the shapeless lump under the blankets. X comes out of 
the shadows behind him, wrapping some sort of cloth around the 
lower half of his face like maybe he’s going to knock off a 
bank later in the old west. Yes, because nobody could put the 
top half with the lower half and come up with a description. 
There’s a couple minutes of fighting between stunt men that 
mostly consists of “X” ducking punches and kicks and doing 
sommersaults. Then he lands one good punch, which causes the 
ninja to defy all laws of motion and spin in the air a few 
times on his way to the ground. Oh, we’re not done. The ninja 
springs back up and this time it is actually Matthew he’s 
fighting judging by the large discoloration on his left 
shoulder where his tattoo should be. 
   Chrissy: Oh, for fuck’s sake. The man is shirtless, has 
    muscles bulging all over the place, is kicking some 
    serious ass and all you can see is his tattoo?
   Diandra: What? The thing’s huge!
   Chrissy: I think I’ve discovered why you’re still 
    single.
   Diandra: Oh, that’s just because all the guy’s I’d want 
    to date are married or gay and the ones that want to 
    date me are defective or pretending to be rich doctors 
    from African countries so they can rip me off.
X manages to trap the ninja between the couch and the wall in a 
manner normally not found outside of Roadrunner cartoons.

The ninja going after Speed isn’t faring much better. Mostly 
because Speed is now sharing a room with his entire family, 
apparently. Sparky lasts about two seconds against the ninja. 
Speed fares a little better. Then Pops wakes up and wanders 
into the room to find out what the hell all this noise is and 
grabs the ninja, who is about a foot shorter than him. We get a 
good look at Pops’ Greco-Roman wrestling champion ring before 
he proceeds to wipe the floor with the terrified ninja, at one 
point actually twirling him in the air over his head until all 
of his nun chucks and his car keys come flying out. And yeah, 
the car keys embedding themselves in the wall amid all the nun 
chucks is kinda funny. Pops sends him flying out over the 
balcony and grumbles “terrible what passes for a ninja these 
days.” “Cool beans,” Trixie breathes. Seriously, girl, get some 
therapy. Taejo’s sister comes knocking on the door looking for 
Speed at that moment. She says something terrible has happened.

Taejo’s room. X is back in his Catwoman suit...
   Chrissy: Would you stop comparing it to women’s fantasy 
   clothing already?
...and identifies the drug dripped in Taejo’s mouth as 
Narcolyte Benzamine, which is not fatal but is very 
debilitating and stays in the system for hours. Taejo, lolling 
on the sofa, pants that he’ll be fine by morning. X says he can 
barely stand up and he certainly won’t be able to drive a car. 
Taejo hauls himself upright and snarls “you do not tell me what 
I can do!” X does not say ‘Gee, you’ve gotten younger since I 
last saw you John. Also, less white.’ Taejo collapses again. 
Speed asks what they’re going to do now. Trixie makes faces 
like ‘hmm...’

Part 2 of the cross-country race from hell. The announcers are 
predicting it’s going to get ugly. Snake catapults a snake into 
some redshirt’s car and the guy drives right off a cliff. From 
a helicopter over head, Sparky warns Speed via comm about an 
upcoming sidewinder. The bright red car next to Speed starts 
battering him.
 
CDU meanwhile, is chasing after Taejo’s sister, who is wearing 
a giant hat to hide her face. Of course, when CDU waves a gun 
at her and she stands up and turns to face him it’s actually 
Taejo, who starts kicking the crap out of CDU. I thought X said 
he wouldn’t be able to stand up? What was the point of taking 
him out of the race if he’s just going to recover so fast? CDU 
wonders aloud who’s driving Taejo’s car and we cut to...Trixie. 
Naturally. Everybody’s whipping around hairpin turns and Speed 
and Trixie are bickering about letting Snake get ahead of them 
because she can’t see with her damn helmet visor down. Speed 
grumbles about her talking him into this. She reminds him he 
always says she’s a better driver than most of the 
“professionals”. He thinks now isn’t a good time to make that 
point because it’s too dangerous. “It’s too dangerous for me, 
but not for you,” she says snottily. That line alone makes me 
love her. “Children, focus,” X barks. Hee! Or, what, you’ll 
turn the car around and go home? He says they have to pass 
Snake before the rendezvous, wherever that is. 

Speed starts battering Snake, who is shouting totally pointless 
goading things. One of Snake’s leftover henchmen knocks him 
off. Trixie sideswipes him with a little girly grunt and X 
smacks him into the cliff wall and falls back immediately. 
Guys? Y’all suck. Trixie and X manage to catch one of the 
henchmen between them and send him (or possibly her, I can’t 
tell) spinning off the cliff. Then Snake pushes Trixie until 
she’s straddling the guard rail and his wheel is almost ripping 
her face off and she acts like a helpless damsel in distress 
for a minute until Speed knocks Snake away and somehow manages 
to get Snake up onto the guardrail. Snake starts begging and 
whimpering for Speed to spare him as his wheel inches toward 
Snake’s head. Speed, being the hero, lets him go and Snake 
spins back onto the road, but the announcers point out that at 
least Speed’s team is now leading.

Up in the helicopter, Pops is assuring Taejo’s sister that he 
found some areas in the mountains that the cameras don’t cover. 
Don’t ask. Just go with it. Speed, X and Trixie come screeching 
to a halt in one of these dead zones so Trixie and Taejo can 
switch places. Apparently that tranquilizer wore off. As plot 
devices go, that was pretty lame. Taejo’s men have CDU in tow 
because they don’t know what to do with him. “Do what he’d do,” 
X volunteers. “Break his legs and let him walk back.” Trixie 
goes to give Speed a good luck kiss when henchmen start crawling 
out of the woodwork and spray a little warning automatic 
gunfire. They free CDU and hold everyone else hostage. Some 
henchman confuses himself by snarling at X that they’re 
“changing your plan that changed our plan to change... your... 
plan. Right, boss?” CDU is like ‘here’s a cookie, now shut up.’ 
Then he gets up in X’s face and is like ‘break his legs and 
make him walk back, huh? Sounds like a good idea.’ But first he 
wants to see what X looks like. 
   Chrissy: Just don’t hurt his pretty face!
   Diandra: Yeah, you can break his legs all you want, 
    however.
   Chrissy: Judging by the “Lost” fic you write, you might 
    actually enjoy that.
   Diandra: I might.

CDU reaches to rip off X’s hood, but some annoying little kid 
hits him with a slingshot and X headbutts the henchman holding 
him from behind and a massive fight breaks out from all corners 
of the clearing. X and Pops are both fighting two guys at a 
time, which seems to require a lot less effort on Pops’ part 
and a lot of age and gravity-defying maneuvers on X’s. Trixie 
is kicking some serious ass, which makes up for all the 
annoying girly squealing she was doing in the car. X hurls a 
guy across the clearing in total ridiculous comic book fashion. 
I mean, it’s one thing for the guy who looks like a sumo 
wrestler to do it, but come on. Sparky actually manages to run 
right into CDU’s outstretched fist, proving that he is totally 
useless. I’m not even sure why this character was necessary. Or 
who he is. Is he a third brother?
   Chrissy: Fourth. You forgot Spritle.
   Diandra: I have no idea who you’re talking about.
Everybody starts grabbing guns from downed henchmen. CDU gets 
his hands on a machine gun and whips around like ‘aha!’, only 
to find *everybody* else pointing a gun at him, including 
Sparky, Taejo’s sister and a couple random redshirts. Sidenote: 
I don’t know what the hell sort of look Christina Ricci is 
going for here, but it’s just not working for me. She’s either 
posing for a photo shoot or trying out to be a dancer in the 
next James Bond credits sequence. “Looks like another change of 
plan,” X smartasses. The henchmen start hauling CDU back to 
wherever Taejo just swooped in from and the other racers zip by 
on a street in the near distance. Everybody scrambles back to 
their vehicles.

The announcers, who have been waiting impatiently for Taejo’s 
team to come back out of the large blind spot pass, are baffled 
when the “Hydra Cell” team are the first ones out. Speed, Taejo 
and X come zipping out shortly behind and the announcers groan 
that they’re right back where they started this leg of the 
race. Except now “only one obstacle stands between Snake Oiler 
and victory. The Maltese Ice Caves.” Trixie helpfully supplies 
for the audience that this is where Rex bit it. And no wonder, 
because we see them zooming into a dark cave of pure ice, 
which, despite what most Minnesota drivers seem to think, is 
impossible to drive on without losing complete control of the 
car at some point. X asks if Speed is okay. Speed says he is, 
despite the fact that he appears to be driving sideways. X 
directs Speed when it’s time to make a move and Speed whips up 
the wall and ceiling of the tunnel and rams one of the bad 
girls. And now, in case this wasn’t hard enough to follow, we 
have laser light trails bouncing around in the dim tunnel after 
the cars and I don’t know what the hell’s going on. X takes 
some redshirt out somehow. Snake spews oil from his car because 
the ice wasn’t slippery enough and X screams as Speed loses 
control and goes rocketing over the rail when they burst from 
the tunnel. 

Somehow, Speed lands flat on the ice going down the cliff face 
and engages the tire spikes, which give him enough friction to 
launch onto the opposite cliff face and climb up. The French 
announcer gets so excited he slips back into his native 
language, making wild gestures. Speed lands back on the track 
right behind Snake and growls “hi, remember me?” Snake creates 
another oil slick, which Speed avoids by launching his car over 
the side onto the continuing track below, right in front of 
Snake as he rounds the corner apparently. How is everybody else 
getting around these oil slicks?
   Chrissy: Shh...it’s not important. Don’t ask questions.
Snake finally loses it and pulls out a gun. The French 
announcer gets so excited he slips into garbled French and 
probably literally pees himself. Luckily, Speed has a 
bulletproof cockpit shield, which he engages while Snake starts 
shooting and cackling insanely. He also engages his tire spikes 
and starts driving along the cliff wall right next to Snake. 
Okay, now he’s just showing off. Speed finally just slams Snake 
over the cliff and he squeals and ejects before the car 
fireballs at the bottom. And the announcers ominously declare 
that with less than 250 km to go, nothing seems to be standing 
in Taejo’s way now. Oh, shut up. Taejo squeals across the 
finish line, followed by X and Speed. 

Smarmy calls up Taejo’s sponsor daddy while Taejo, framed by 
fireworks, waves a big honking trophy. I thought this was a 
three-part race. 
   Chrissy: Nobody ever said it was.
   Diandra: But...I thought...[scrolls back through the last 
    several pages futilely]
   Chrissy: You hearing voices in your head again?
   Diandra: I...think I need a nap.
Taejo puts an arm each around Speed and X, neither of whom seem 
particularly thrilled with this, especially X, who looks like 
he might break Taejo’s arm if he tries it again. “We make a 
good team,” he says to X, who glowers and tells him to just 
make sure he keeps up his end of the deal. 

Smarmy chokes out a congratulations to Taejo’s dad. A reporter 
asks if Taejo will be in the Grand Prix this weekend. Taejo 
coolly says “we’ll see.” Smarmy and Daddy Togokahn argue share 
prices and Smarmy accuses him of extortion and threatens to 
sue. Daddy’s like ‘okay, have fun with that,’ and goes to hang 
up. Smarmy gets an evil plotting look on his face and 
negotiates a deal. Togokahn hangs up and compliments Taejo, who 
is suddenly sitting across from him in a suit, on a job well 
done. The fact that we are time shifting again doesn’t really 
bother me so much as the GIANT FISH floating in a tank behind 
Taejo. Seriously. It looks like a fifty foot goldfish! What 
radioactive waste dump was that thing pulled from?

Somewhere else, Sparky asks Pops what the hell just happened. 
Ah, I see his purpose now. Pops says Taejo played them all. 
He just wanted to drive up the stock in his family business – 
even if he had that information he claimed to have he never 
intended to hand it over. Oh, right. Speed takes out his anger 
over this double cross by driving like a complete maniac around 
the old track from the beginning of the movie. Suddenly X 
drives up alongside him and Speed lashes out at him, whacking 
into him a few times until they both spin out crazily and come 
to a stop. Speed sits in his car, calming the fuck down and 
notices that X seems to have disappeared from his now scrapped-
up car. He panics and goes running over but X just sits up from 
where he apparently sprawled over the passenger seat, giggling 
like ‘wheee! That was fun!’ He staggers from the car, babbling 
that he hasn’t been thrown around like that in *years*.
   Chrissy: Really? Well, how about --
   Diandra: Finish that thought and I may have to throttle 
    you.
   Chrissy: What makes you think it was going to be dirty?
   Diandra: Gee, I don’t know. The evil smirk on your face 
    might have been a tip off.
   Chrissy: Damn it.

X says the inspector told him what happened. Speed asks what 
the hell he cares. Then he rants at him to just admit it: he’s 
Rex. X plays dumb. Speed spews the whole theory: you appeared 
just after he died, you drive like him and “you knew I’d be 
here, because this is where he always used to take me.” X just 
stares for a minute and slowly pulls off his headgear. Speed’s 
face falls. “You’re not Rex.” Pause for a second. According to 
IMDb, the part of Racer X was originally offered to Keanu 
Reeves. While taking parts Keanu Reeves turns down is not 
really an advisable career choice, judging by this scene it 
turned out to be kind of a good thing for the movie. I 
mean...it really was never going to do any better in the box 
office since nobody knew who the hell it was made for. But 
Keanu – cool as he may look dodging bullets – couldn’t emote 
his way out of a paper bag most days and I certainly wouldn’t 
want to see him try it while interacting with tennis balls 
against a green screen in a leather body suit. 
   Chrissy: Do you even remember “The Matrix”?
Matthew, on the other hand, acts the hell out of this scene. 
His lips say “no, Speed’s brother is dead,” but his warbly tone 
is saying “shit, even *I* don’t believe that” and his eyes are 
saying “don’t cry, damnit!” 

Speed apologizes. X says no, that’s okay. “I’m sure if he was 
here, he’d be immensely proud of you.” And his eyes transmit 
said pride so blatantly I’m surprised Speed doesn’t see right 
through this. Then again, he probably can’t see much past his 
own building tears as he moans that he’s making all the same 
mistakes Rex did, what the hell would he be proud of? X is like 
‘for trying to make a difference in the world. That’s what Rex 
was trying to do, right? I mean, I didn’t know him personally, 
I just read a lot about him and STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, 
I’M NOT HIM! I SWEAR!’ Speed bitterly rants that he got himself 
killed for nothing because racing is never going to change. X 
spews some philosophical crap about it not mattering as long as 
they don’t let racing change *them*. “You don’t climb into a T-
180 to be a driver. You do it because you’re driven.” Yeah. 
Real profound. Speed says if he’s so smart why doesn’t he give 
Speed a good reason why he should keep driving. Clunk. X says 
that’s for Speed to figure out and he hopes when he does he’s 
there to see it. He smiles wistfully at Speed and goes back to 
his car. Speed looks after him like ‘I don’t get it. If he’s 
not my brother...is he hitting on me?’
   Chrissy: Oh, quit trying to shoehorn slash subtext into 
    this.
   Diandra: I can’t help it! I don’t just write slash, I’m 
    *driven* to write slash!
   Chrissy: Quit being a smartass before I’m “driven” to 
    smack you.
Ahem. Moving on.

Speed recreates his brother’s exit scene, except this time Pops 
is nicer and sits him down to apologize for saying things he 
wishes he hadn’t in the heat of the moment. He says he’s proud 
of Speed, not for winning but for not being afraid to stand up 
for what he believed was right. Speed grumbles that it didn’t 
do a whole lot of good. Pops says pshah! “I saw my son become a 
man. I watched him act with courage and integrity”. Ow, anvil. 
He says he took off after Speed because he was afraid he would 
die like his brother and he just didn’t think he could take 
that, but he realized that “I didn’t lose Rex when he crashed. 
I lost him here. I let him think that a stupid motor company 
meant more to me than he did. He’ll never know how much I 
regret that mistake.” Somewhere, X is crying and he doesn’t 
even know why. Pops vows he won’t make that mistake again and 
while he understands Speed has to leave home eventually, he’ll 
always be welcomed back. Also? “I love you.” They hug and 
nobody cries, which makes it a nice, sweet but non-sappy 
moment. Then Speed says he feels confused right now, like his 
whole world is spinning and not making much sense. Pops says 
yeah, well, when Rex died his whole world turned upside down 
too. Then he reminds Speed of that damn old race Speed went 
over ad-nauseum earlier. Apparently, that got him back on 
track. Speed says yeah, about that...the race was fixed. Smarmy 
says every race for the last fifty years has been 
predetermined. Pops scoffs at Speed for believing anything that 
guy told him. He has a point there. Realizing that there’s 
still, like, fifteen minutes left of this movie and something 
needs to propel the plot forward again, the doorbell rings. 
It’s Taejo’s sister. She apologizes for what the men in her 
family did and hands Speed an invitation to race in the Grand 
Prix. She says Taejo was planning to decline anyway and 
according to the rules anyone who was part of the winning team 
can compete if they have an invitation. How convenient. There’s 
some weepy schlock about the whole family supporting him 
proudly on this, but I’ll spare you the details.

There’s a montage of the whole family scrambling to build Speed 
a new car – which looks exactly like the old one but with a 
deeper, louder engine roar. What happened to the old one is not 
at all clear. This is intercut with Smarmy making the deal with 
Taejo’s father, which I really don’t give two shits about at 
this point. At the race, Smarmy unveils a monster of a machine 
with that new thingamagig he was boasting about earlier that 
will supposedly cream the competition. Shaft is one of the 
announcers and babbling about how they expect one of the 
largest audiences in Grand Prix history. The line up includes 
The Grey Ghost, Cannonball, the Scarlet Valentine and “Boom-
Boom”.
   [Diandra falls out of her chair giggling hysterically]
   Chrissy: Oh, get a grip.
   Diandra: I want to see the list of names rejected for 
    being too silly. 
Cannonball is apparently driving the new Smarmy car. Then, for 
some reason, we get a random shot of Mom making sandwiches. 
What the hell was that about?
   Susan Sarandon: Hey! Watch it! I just found out I’m 
   playing mom to a 42 year old and – what’s worse – THAT’S 
   ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. I have officially been 
   relegated to playing grandma. Or at least Over the Hill 
   Mom. You do NOT want to mess with me right now.
Ahem.

The other announcer notes that they have an odd number of 
racers because Taejo declined invitation, leaving them one 
short. Shaft suddenly notices a commotion down at the entrance, 
which is the officials fretting over Speed’s sudden appearance. 
Smarmy catches wind of this and starts making noise with 
management, spluttering that Speed just *can’t* be allowed into 
the race this late in the game. ID says yes he can and if 
Smarmy tries to stop it he’ll be violating the WRL charter 
which will force him to shut the race down until he can 
complete a full investigation. 

So an announcement is made over the PA that there is a new 
racer entered in 40th place. Shaft starts to say “holy sh—“ and 
is actually bleeped out. Heh. Taejo, watching from a swanky bar 
somewhere nearby, blinks at the scoreboard, looks questioningly 
at his sister and smiles approvingly. Somewhere, Smarmy offers a 
million dollars to whoever can take Speed out of the race. He 
also tells Cannonball that they’re installing a spearhook in 
his car. Cannonball sneers that he doesn’t need that to beat 
Speed. Smarmy says think of it as a precaution. X takes a seat 
in some viewing box somewhere. He’s wearing a normal dress suit 
and has nothing at all covering his face. And there’s not even 
any shadows covering him. I’m confused. Does it not matter if 
he can be identified anymore? Huh? What? Why? 
   Chrissy: Oh, be quiet and just enjoy the pretty.
   Diandra: But...
   Chrissy: SHH!

Sparky gives Speed a pretty lame pep talk and they have a 
little brotherly chat that makes my ears bleed.
   Chrissy: I think they were already bleeding, hon.
   Diandra: Who are you? Is this movie almost over yet? 
The white announcer spews crap about electricity in the air 
and all eyes on Speed and no pressure or anything kid. Shaft 
says this isn’t a race – it’s a showdown. Every major character 
from the movie flashes across the screen as the world’s longest 
countdown begins and when X goes by, Chrissy lets out a squeal 
that vaults me two feet from my chair. 
   Chrissy: Damnit, why did we have to spend an hour and 
    forty minutes hiding that?
   Diandra: Oh, get a grip, would you?
   Chrissy: Hey! I have had to sit through hours of you 
    drooling incoherently over Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom. 
   Diandra: Yeah, and you made fun of me for it the entire 
    time, what’s your point?
   Chrissy: I did not.
   Diandra: Did too.
   Chrissy: Did not.
   Diandra: Did too.
   Chrissy: Did not.
   Diandra: Did too.
   Chrissy: Did...why are we arguing about this?
   Diandra: Because somebody forgot to bring the alcohol to 
    this recap and I’m not as mellow as I usually would be 
    by now?
   Chrissy: You are not mellow when you’re drunk. Excuse me  
    if I didn’t want to have to deal with you raving 
    nonsensically and passing out on the keyboard.
   Diandra: I do not do that.
   Chrissy: You do too.
   Diandra: Do not.
   Chrissy: Do too.
   Diandra: Do not.
   Chrissy: Do too.
   Diandra: Do not.
   Racer X: SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!
   Chrissy and Diandra: Yes, sir.
   [Diandra sticks her tongue out at Chrissy. Chrissy flips    
    Diandra the Bird].
   Racer X: I MEAN IT! KNOCK IT OFF!
   Chrissy and Diandra (mumbling): Sorry.

The race starts and immediately some henchman darts in front of 
Speed and slams on the brake. The announcers identify this as a 
“misfire”. Another car comes zooming up from behind and Speed 
launches out of the way, the two cars crashing together 
underneath. He lands and takes off with what appears to be a 
sonic boom. He catches up quickly and can someone explain to me 
why the walls of this tunnel have one of those moving picture 
sketch thingies of a Zebra running? The speeding cars weren’t 
enough movement for the Wachowski’s so they added a wild animal 
running through the background? All the other drivers 
coordinate to block Speed from pulling ahead, bumping him 
around like a pinball and shoving him up the wall. He jumps 
clear across the track, smacking several drivers along the way. 
There’s a lot of commentary and flipping back and forth but 
suffice to say Speed gains on several drivers. The announcers 
are very excited by this underdog threatening to take the lead 
angle. They drive through a ditch filled with spikes and Speed 
flips some redshirt into one, creating a spectacular explosion 
the camera lingers on almost lovingly. And there are lights 
flashing in the audience. It’s a miracle I’ve been able to get 
through this entire movie without having a seizure. Really. 
Race race, skid bump bang boom. Giachinno slips into something 
totally ripped from an old Hanna Barbara cartoon. A few more 
redshirts go cartwheeling away. Speed comes up right behind 
Cannonball. They start taunting and banging into each other and 
generally playing Gladiator Death Match. Speed gets Cannonball 
hanging half off the track. Smarmy looks alarmed. Shaft cheers 
Speed on. Cannonball recovers and they whip around a few more 
turns and Cannonball spins on the nose of the car like a top 
for a second. Speed gets bored of this and, once he’s in front, 
just guns the engine and pulls ahead. Smarmy is starting to 
pace and mutter to himself. Cannonball gets pissed and rear 
ends Speed, getting so far up his ass that no one can see him 
engage the spearhook in Speed’s undercarriage. 
   Chrissy: That sounds vaguely dirty.
   Diandra: I actually wasn’t going there, but thanks for 
    that lovely mental image. Ew.

So now the cars are attached and spiraling around each other 
down the track. Speed glances at the cameras along the track 
and does the smartest thing he’s done all movie: he flips both 
cars into the air, waving the undersides in front of one of the 
cameras so they can get a good look at what Cannonball is 
doing. This also manages to detach them and they both cartwheel 
on landing, Cannonball ejected from the wreck in a ball of soap 
bubbles and Speed spinning to a stop. The announcers and 
general media review the footage from the camera and the 
blatant weapon laying amid the wreckage of Cannonball’s car and 
declare foul. Shaft looks directly into the camera and declares 
shame on Smarmy’s company. Unfortunately, Speed is having 
trouble restarting his car and all the other racers are 
gaining. Speed freaks out and squeals at Sparky to help him. 
(Re)X, from up in his viewing box, mumbles to himself. “Don’t 
panic. Just listen to her.” Speed seems to pick up whatever 
vibes (Re)X is sending at him and closes his eyes, feeling 
around on the controls and going into some sort of zen state. 
Then he punches the exact right combination of levers and 
pedals to jump start the car and jolts forward in a squeal of 
burning rubber.

As he’s ripping past the other drivers he starts having a 
little internal montage. He sees Re(X) spewing that crap about 
being *driven* instead of just *driving*. Then he hears Smarmy 
ranting about cars and drivers having little to do with 
*racing*, really. “Are you ready to become a *real* racecar 
driver?” He starts reaching warp speed, probably picturing 
Smarmy’s neck in place of the control’s he’s strangling, and 
the announcers yelp about him aiming to beat the lap record. 
Speed’s continuing inner battle switches back to Re(X) waxing 
philosophical about Speed’s particular reason to keep racing 
and hoping he’s there to see it. In the present, Speed weaves 
between cars, jumping and spinning with wild flourishes and 
(Re)X smiles and gets a little misty eyed. There’s more of this 
inner montage of every significant moment from the movie so 
far, but I’m getting tired of repeating myself. He’s two cars 
from first and Smarmy is shrieking angrily. The two cars try to 
batter him away. The foreign language announcers and press corp 
are practically foaming at the mouth in their excitement. Taejo 
is cheering Speed on. Speed’s family is shrieking and jumping 
up and down. Speed manages to whip both cars away and they 
smash into each other in a massive explosion worthy of a Jerry 
Bruckheimer film. Speed flies through the explosion, doing a 
couple sommersaults just to make it even flashier, and skids to 
a stop in a shower of sparks. The car collapses on itself a 
little and dribbles oil. I imagine if he can really hear her 
she’s saying “can I die now? Urk...” From Speed’s perspective 
we see lights flashing crazily from the crowd and several 
muffled firecrackers. He tugs off his helmet and is surrounded 
by shrieking people throwing confetti. Smarmy loses it 
completely and knocks over an ice sculpture in the swanky 
lounge he’s watching from. Taejo’s dad shakes his head at him 
disprovingly. Speed looks around at the firecrackers overhead 
and the screaming crowd, dazed, and is carried up on stage by 
the crowd surrounding him.

ID finds (Re)X grinning stupidly at all of this and says this 
is going to change everything. Re(X) says it already has. At 
least until everyone forgets about it, as they are wont to do. 
ID says his men are bringing the family down and asks if (Re)X 
wants to go with them. (Re)X blinks rapidly, says no 
uncomfortably and starts to leave, pulling that woman who keeps 
hanging on him along. ID stops him short to ask him a question: 
“Did you ever think you made a mistake, hiding the truth from 
them?” And we get a sort of flashback montage sliding back and 
forth across the screen. Rex blowing up his car via remote, 
watching his funeral from a distance and getting plastic 
surgery that not only changes his entire face and bone 
structure but ages him 13 years in 8, which, incidentally, is 
how old John Goodman would have to have started procreating 
(13) to have a child Matthew’s age.
   Chrissy: Let’s assume he’s not actually supposed to be 
    40.
   Diandra: Yeah, for sanity’s sake, let’s.

Okay, so I guess now the dropping the disguise thing sort of 
makes sense if it was more for the family’s benefit than his 
“enemies”. But then...why bother going through that much 
plastic surgery if you’re going to hide behind a mask anyway? 
Gah. I’m thinking too much. 
   Chrissy: I keep telling you to stop doing that.
   Diandra: Yeah, sorry.
In the present, (Re)X makes angsty faces and tries not to cry. 
“If I did...it’s a mistake I have to live with.” He slinks away 
and we go back to the celebration down on the ground, already 
in progress.

Speed’s family surrounds him, hugging and laughing. Pops’ chest 
puffs with pride. Mom cries. Speed and Trixie share an overly 
dramatic kiss and the flashbulbs in the background blur into 
heart shapes. Michael Giachinno whips the brass into a frenzy 
and Speed is handed a trophy the size and probably weight of a 
kindergartener. And we wrap up with a few headlines: “Racer 
family triumphs!!!” (overdone emphasis totally not mine), 
“[Smarmy] indicted”, “Taejo Togokahn testifies: key witness to 
implicate [Smarmy] and [CDU] fixing scam!” and finally 
“[Smarmy] incarcerated”, which is accompanied by a picture of 
Smarmy in a comical jail uniform with black and white stripes 
and a funny little hat and a quote from the judge: “cheaters 
never prosper.” Oh, who are we kidding?
   Chrissy: It’s a kid’s movie. What were you expecting?
   Diandra: Is it? It seems more like a Wachowski brothers 
    sound and light show.
   Chrissy: (mumbling) Yeah, that too.
   Diandra: I mean, I never saw the original Speed Racer, 
    but I can imagine this is a pretty good homage to it 
    and I can appreciate the comic book/anime look of the 
    movie. I’m just with all the reviewers who wondered who 
    this movie was actually intended for: kids or the 
    adults who remember the original. Obviously trying to 
    reach both didn’t work that well. Not that the plot was 
    too convoluted for a kid’s movie, but it rushed by so 
    fast accompanied by so many distractingly flashy and 
    cluttered special effects that it was hard for anyone 
    to follow in real time.
   Chrissy: There was a plot?
   Diandra: [Sigh] Never mind.

If you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go take some aspirin and 
sit in a dark, quiet room for about an hour until these 
seizures are totally gone.