"The Curve"

Staring Matthew Lillard and Michael Vartan. Oh, and Randall 
Batinkoff, Keri Russell and Tamara Craig Thomas, but they're 
not as important.

Oooo...cool music. Huh? Oh, hi. The opening credits are 
intercut with various scenes that serve as set-up. We open on 
a grade sheet - posted on a wall - as a finger traces down to 
the name "Christopher Mason" and across to "B+". The hand rips 
the sheet down. Then we are forced to look at the floor of a 
men's room. Ugh. A pair of legs enter the shot and Michael 
Vartan's voice calls "Tim?" Oh pfffftttt. Nice legs, Mike. I 
think *mine* have more hair on them... Matthew Lillard's voice 
calls "Chris?" from inside one of the stalls. "I nailed it," 
Chris says without any conviction whatsoever. "Well, that's 
great, now we don't have to do it!" Blah blah blah then a 
toilet flushes and Tim opens the door and says "Asshole." 
"What," Chris asks innocently from somewhere off-screen. Tim 
takes a moment to check himself in the mirror before he pulls 
Chris on screen and starts fiddling with his backpack. "Did 
you really think I wasn't gonna check the grades myself?" 
Chris mumbles something about still having time to fix it and 
Tim says "fuck you" it's already settled, then smacks Chris in 
the ass...I think and walks away. Chris just stands there, 
shooting him a long-suffering look until Tim calls to him, 
making a noise that you would normally use to call a dog.

Now we see several random scenes of the college campus and its 
students while we hear the comedy routine the entire plot of 
this movie will revolve around. "You guys hear about this 
weird policy they have now at most universities? If your 
roommate commits suicide, you get an automatic 4.0 for the 
semester. Apparently, with the psychological trauma, they feel 
you deserve it. Can you believe this? Your roommate kills 
himself and you get straight "A"s! This is like giving you a 
license to kill! I figured this out, you go through four 
years, only kill eight people, graduate with a suma cum laude. 
'Hey, Dad, what's your major?' 'Double-oh-seven'." Oh ho ho 
yeah. Right.

Now there's a cool overhead shot of Chris in the university's 
psychologist's office. "I'm worried about my roommate," he 
says. "I think he might be suicidal. Maybe you could tell me 
what signs I should be looking for?" Yeah, that doesn't sound 
suspicious at *all*... She says "spending a lot of time 
alone...despondent...overly defensive." He asks if she can be 
more specific. Excuse me for a moment while I go bang my head 
on a wall.

Chris and Tim walk through a bookstore and Chris points out 
that if they're all drinking Tequila, then they'll be drunk. 
Tim says he'll put lemon juice and water in the bottles the 
two of them are drinking. I guess he'll just put liquid Drano 
in the other...

"Well, I'd always be concerned about someone who underlines 
passages in The Belljar," the shrink continues." "Anything 
else," Chris asks a little too eagerly. "How about listening 
to depressing music?" "That's good," Chris mutters as he pulls 
out a pen and paper. "Anyone in particular?" Sheesh...could he 
be any more conspicuous?

In the music store, Chris suggests Hanson. HA! The shrink 
suggests "Suzanne Vega. The Smiths. The Cure. Anything from 
the 80s" Hey! What's wrong with the 80s? So, of course, Chris 
and Tim are buying all of the above. Back in the bookstore, 
Chris asks what they're going to do with the suicide note. Tim 
says he hasn't thought of that yet, but they have to "stick 
together on this". He grabs a lighter out of Chris' pocket so 
he check his reflection in it and tells Chris to go pay for 
the books. Then he takes the receipt, saying "like *you* need 
a deduction." Nice guy.

"What about movies," Chris asks the shrink. She says, "any 
period piece...Scandinavian films...anything by a first-time 
writer/director...Is this helpful?" You have no idea...And 
we're finally out of the credits. Gah. If anybody wants to go 
to the bathroom or get a sandwich or something go for it 
because we might be here for a while...

Now all three roommates are playing a trivia game with their 
girlfriends...well, Tim doesn't have a girlfriend apparently, 
but whatever. The victim's girlfriend starts whining about 
being sick of this game and her boyfriend (his name is Rand, 
by the way) says that's because she sucks at it. Yeah, 
basically this whole scene is just a means to prove how much 
of an asshole this guy is. So, they do a round of him asking 
her questions and she does well until he asks a sports 
question. Tim predicts that she won't get it on the grounds 
that 1) she's Canadian and 2) she's a girl. Rand calls her an 
idiot for not knowing the answer. Hey, I didn't either...of 
course, I'm also a girl. Rand says his first name is the same 
as a Sesame Street character and she mumbles "Bert..." I don't 
know why that happened to be the first name that came to 
mind...maybe Elmo seemed too unlikely...

Time's up. We move to Chris and his girlfriend Felicity...I 
mean Emma. Emma asks him the same question and Chris easily 
answers "Ernie Banks". Ugh. Men. Sports. Gag. Anyway, they 
basically cream Rand and...we'll just call her the Queen of 
Bad Choices for now. She says she wants to leave, Rand says no 
they're not finished. Emma tells him to stop being such a 
"dick". He can't help it, sweetie, it's in his nature. The QBC 
finally just leaves and Emma follows her. Rand tells his 
roommates that he thinks the QBC is "the one". One what? 

Now there's a brief scene where Emma stands in a bathroom 
looking at a home pregnancy test. Not hers. The QBC's. Emma 
tells her that, surprise, she's pregnant. She tells Emma that 
Rand is going to kill her. Honey, DUMP HIS ASS!

Now there's a pointless scene by a lighthouse featuring Rand 
and a bunch of unimportant characters we will never see again. 
Two of them are playing the same trivia game and are 
struggling with the answer to a question...something about the 
girl on the Facts of Life...and the All-Knowing-Rand shouts 
out "Natasha Henstridge you morons!" Gee, why does that name 
sound familiar? Oh, yeah... "It Had To Be You".

Sometime later Tim and the QBC are sitting in some sort of 
coffee shop on campus. He correctly guesses that she's 
pregnant and says she should tell Rand. "This is the *best* 
thing that has ever happened to Rand," he declares, and you 
can almost see his nose grow a few inches. She's sure Rand 
will ask her to get rid of it. He wants to go to grad school 
and a child would kind of put a damper on those plans. Tim 
says grad school? Nah...Rand would *much* rather start a 
family! Sure. I bet. Not. Then he makes sure when Rand shows 
up a minute later to make some vague comment to clue Rand in 
to the fact that he and the QBC are keeping some sort of 
secret from him. Yeah, he is so obviously plotting something 
that these characters would have to be complete morons to not 
notice...which, of course, they are.

Back in the dorm room, Chris is laying on the couch with Emma, 
her shirt half unbuttoned, draped all over him, playing tonsil 
hockey. She reaches for his pants and he gets this look of 
either frustration or boredom. Heh. She asks if he needs some 
water or something. He says it's just "not working". In the 
interest of taste I will refrain from commenting on that. 
Apparently he's worried to the point of obsessive about 
getting into Harvard. Emma gives him a look that screams 'Oh, 
quit your whining and FUCK ME ALREADY!' as she breathes "You 
used to only worry about getting into me." Must. Not. Comment. 
Must. Avoid. Temptation. She tries to kiss him again but he 
turns his head away and gives her the male version of 'not 
tonight honey, I have a headache.'

She huffily buttons her shirt back up and they sit on the 
opposite ends of the couch. "You know, there are people you 
can talk to about this," she says. Oh yeah... doctors... 
pharmacists... sorry. He says he's seeing a tutor and she - 
and correct me if I'm wrong here - POINTS TO HER LAP and says 
"not that. This." MUSTNOTCOMMENTMUSTNOTCOMMENTMUSTNOT...oh, 
forget it. She means the fact that she's *throwing* herself at 
you and *little* Chris is refusing to stand at attention. He 
blushes and starts babbling about midterms, grades and 
graduation until she kisses him just to make him shut up.

The sex-deprived couple goes to a party later, which Chris 
immediately announces "sucks." They go into a back room 
somewhere and find a mentally retarded boy. Tim shows up with 
his "girlfriend"...for now anyway... and asks "What is up 
Gilbert Grape?" I should really see that movie...huh? Wha? Oh, 
sorry... Apparently Tim's "girlfriend" is the boy's tutor. Tim 
decides to prove that he is an asshole by asking him a lot of 
tasteless questions. His last one is "What'd I tell you about 
girls?" "Girls are no goddamn good," the boy says proudly. The 
"girlfriend" leaves and Tim says "Now look what you did!" Oh, 
go blow yourself Tim. "Give me ten dollars and I'll go buy her 
some flowers." Prick. And why are Chris and Emma just STANDING 
THERE and LETTING him take advantage of the poor boy? Sheesh.

Now the three roommates are playing some demented game that 
looks like a cross between Spin the Bottle and Russian 
Roulette. Let's just leave it at that. Rand keeps calling 
Chris "Stevie" and "Nicky" and Tim keeps slapping both of them 
in the face. What a bunch of losers... The QBC shows up and 
Rand pulls her into his lap and sticks his hand up her skirt. 
Charming. She pulls back and says she needs to tell him 
something. He insists that she say it in front of everybody in 
the room and pushes her until she calls him an asshole and 
shouts "I'm pregnant!" Dead...silence. Tim starts clapping and 
says, "'atta girl, Natalie!" Ah, so that's her name. Got it.

Rand gets upset that Tim knew before he did and accuses him of 
sleeping with her. He shoves Natalie and asks who else she's 
"fucked" and how she even knows it's his. Jump to conclusions 
much? Tim says he's out of line and Rand gets in his face, 
ready for a fight. Chris tries to break it up and Rand points 
to him and says, "At least I know *you* didn't fuck her." 
Chris splutters and asks what the hell that's supposed to 
mean. Chris, honey, you're not even fucking your *own* 
girlfriend. Blah blah, Rand punches Chris and says "fuck all 
y'all!" Okay then Billy Bob. Then he tells Natalie he thought 
she was special, but "you're nothin' but a small town whore". 
You just made all that shit up, you moron. Natalie and Emma 
run off and Tim asks Chris if he's okay, then says something 
that sounds important, but is pretty much unintelligible.

Lighthouse of Ominousness. Rand is standing on the edge of the 
cliff when Tim and Chris approach with three bottles of 
"tequila". They ask if he wants to talk and Tim offers him one 
of the bottles. He takes a sip, spits it out and says it 
"tastes like shit". Tim frowns and offers to switch bottles. 
Rand takes a sip of the new one while Tim and Chris smirk at 
each other. Hook, line and sinker. Rand says he really "fucked 
up" and he doesn't want a child. Yeah, I think the world would 
be a better place if you didn't procreate, Rand. Chris says 
she can get an abortion and Tim says yeah, sure, little miss 
Saint Joan of Arc. Not likely. Blah blah, Tim starts acting 
drunk, but Chris, who hasn't even pretended to drink from his 
bottle yet, is looking a wee bit nervous. 

Rand pulls Tim and Chris into a hug and slurs "I love you 
guys." Yep, that would be the Sledgehammer of Irony right 
there. Rand gets up, stumbles drunkenly and declares that he 
really does love Natalie. Then he finishes the rest of his 
"tequila" and immediately begins coughing. "What did you do," 
Chris warily asks Tim. "Just a little rat poison," Tim 
answers. Sheesh. I thought it was supposed to look like a 
suicide! Better hope there's no autopsy, pal. Rand collapses 
and Chris says "Fuck, is he dead?" Well, that was kind of the 
plan, stupid. Tim kneels down to check for a pulse and Rand's 
eyes pop open. He tries to strangle Tim while some freakish 
horror movie music plays, then finally dies. Tim mumbles, 
"Well...that was unexpected." Heh.

Tim orders Chris to dump the bottles and throw them. Chris 
does, but since he apparently throws like a girl I'm guessing 
they didn't go far. Tim starts rolling the body toward the 
cliff. "What about the suicide note," Chris asks suddenly. 
Apparently, Tim almost forgot about that. "That woulda 
sucked," he says flatly. Yeah. He stuffs it in the empty 
tequila bottle and puts it next to a rock or something. Chris 
asks what happens if it rolls away. Tim says it won't. Chris, 
in full panic mode, asks, "How do you know? You've done this 
before?" Tim tells him to calm down, to which Chris responds 
"Fuck you!" Tim says it's too late, it's done now, help me 
roll the body. Chris starts to do so but stops immediately and 
says "I can't do this...I'm gonna be sick." Tim tells him to 
look away then and mutters something about Chris not being 
able to "ride the curve". 

Then we see Chris with his back turned as Tim calls his name. 
Chris turns to find Tim standing over Rand, holding a big rock 
over his head. "Should I bash his head in with a rock," he 
asks, sounding totally insane. "You know, just to be sure?" 
Chris turns and throws up. Oh lovely. Nice sound effects 
there. Ick. Tim adds, "That would be cool!" Yeah, he's totally 
lost his marbles. Then we see Chris' back for a while until we 
hear a loud splash. Chris turns and we see Tim standing at the 
edge of the cliff, alone. And you don't have to be a fan of 
murder mysteries to know that these two geniuses have left 
incriminating evidence EVERYWHERE. Bottles with fingerprints. 
One bottle with traces of rat poison inside. And you can 
obtain blood samples from vomit. Oh, don't get me started...

That night, Chris and Emma are lying in bed...oh, get your 
minds out of the gutter. She looks at the camera like she 
suspects...or maybe *knows* something. She snuggles into Chris 
and he smiles in his sleep. My, didn't we recover quickly? 
Meanwhile, a security guard discovers the suicide note.

The next morning, Chris and Tim are awakened by somebody 
knocking at the door. And apparently they both sleep with 
their mouths WIDE OPEN. Yeah, that's attractive. Well, at 
least they aren't drooling all over themselves. That's always 
a plus. It's Natalie. She wants to know where Rand is. Chris, 
his hair sticking in about fifty different directions, 
stammers, "Wh...we haven't seen him." Tim asks if she's seen 
him. She snaps, "After last night? I may be pathetic, but I'm 
not *that* pathetic!" Then she guiltily removes her bra from a 
nearby shelf. HA! She says she's going home to Canada. Tim and 
Chris start apologizing for Rand's behavior. "I've told Rand 
if he keeps treating people like that someone's gonna throw 
him off a cliff or something," Tim cracks. Chris shoots him a 
'what the fuck are you doing?!' look while Natalie mumbles 
"Hmm... that's not a bad idea." Yeah, well, you're too late, 
hon. 

Now we're in the college President's office...I think. The 
shrink is there too and she's telling the boys that there was 
nothing they could have done to prevent Rand's death. How 
about not giving him rat poison? Blah blah if you need to talk 
to someone blah blah your well being is out main concern yadda 
yadda and so you don't have anything else to worry about, we 
can "waive your academic requirements" and give you "an 
automatic 4.0." Tim acts shocked and horrified. Or insulted. 
Something like that. The President says they're not obligated 
to take it, but they should consider it and the shrink adds 
that they'll have enough to deal with without having to worry 
about midterms or finals and shit. We've notified the 
authorities blah blah we're planning a memorial service as 
soon as they find the body. Oops. Tim and Chris look at each 
other, wide eyed. The President adds that when they feel up to 
it, the local police would like to ask them a few questions, 
but "don't worry, it's just a formality." Sure. 

By the end of this scene, Tim is making a big show of crying 
his eyes out, but Chris is just sitting quietly, looking 
vaguely uncomfortable. Chris reaches over and sort of 
awkwardly pats Tim on the back and Tim yanks him into a hug, 
sobbing on his shoulder. Chris rubs Tim's arm comfortingly and 
is it wrong that I am suddenly jealous of Tim? Sigh. Then 
there's a long memorial scene where Tim, Chris, Emma, Natalie 
and a bunch of extras sit on some steps holding candles and 
Emma tries to comfort a shell-shocked Natalie.

After the memorial, the four go to some sort of bar and sit 
around sharing memories of Rand. Tim starts telling a story 
about high school prom. Rand had dated the same girl all 
through high school, but a weeek before the prom she dumped 
him. Ouch. She told Rand they could go as friends and he 
agreed, but he never picked her up that night. Turns out he 
took a really cheap hooker to the prom. The girl was so 
mortified that she missed the last two weeks of school, had to 
go to summer school to graduate and got to college a year 
late. That's a horrible story, Tim. "Yeah, Rand definitely had 
a mean streak in him," he finishes. Everybody else just stares 
at him in silence. Natalie is crying. Yeah. This scene doesn't 
sound like much in type, but it's actually very interesting to 
watch. At some point during Tim's little speech, all the 
scenery behind him fades to black and all background noises 
stop. It's basically Matthew Lillard, sitting on a darkened 
stage with a spotlight on him. It's actually really cool. 
Anyway.

"Where is Rand," Chris demands sometime later. "In heaven," 
Tim says as if he were speaking to a small, not-so-gifted 
child. Actually, I'm guessing he would be in hell, since if 
guys like him went to heaven...well, it would no longer be 
*heaven*, but whatever. Chris says he meant the body. Why 
hasn't it washed up yet? Tim says oh, I don't know, whatever, 
relax, and then changes the subject. Chris asks how he can be 
so calm. Tim says he thought Chris wanted to do this. Chris 
says he wanted to get into Harvard business. Well, mission 
accomplished. "Don't you feel the slightest amount of guilt," 
Chris asks. Chris, honey, look who you're talking to. What do 
you think?

Meanwhile, Natalie sits on the steps of the memorial, drinking 
and staring at a picture of Rand. Then she packs her suitcase 
and jumps off the lighthouse cliff. What the? Sweetie, Rand 
was certainly not worth killing yourself over!

Back in the shrink's office, the dumbest woman in the world is 
telling Chris that when he had told her of his "friend" who he 
thought was depressed, she thought he had been talking about 
himself. She says it's not uncommon for students to project 
their feelings onto a "fictitious friend" out of embarrassment 
or whatever. Yeah, that's why he was TAKING NOTES! GAH! He 
asks her why she didn't tell anybody that he was seeing her. 
She tells him about the oath she took that forbids her from 
talking about what goes on in her office. "If you decided to 
underline passages in Catcher in the Rye and told me that you 
were gonna shoot the president I wouldn't say anything." Why 
is she telling him this? Can somebody explain this to me?

Now we have the interrogation scene. "So, you say Rand was 
acting strange the last few weeks," the first cop...we'll call 
him Good Cop says. Tim says yeah, he was buying depressing 
music and movies and shit. Oh, and he was drinking heavily 
that night. Good Cop asks if he had an alcohol "problem" and 
Tim jokes, "You mean getting it?" Then he says hey, Chris you 
knew him better, do you think he had a drinking problem? What 
the... Chris looks confused and stutters an um... uh... 
maybe... Good Cop says Tim told them earlier that he had been 
friends with Rand since the fifth grade. Tim says yeah, but 
they drifted apart when they got to college. They were still 
friends, but he and Chris were like brothers. Chris looks 
totally baffled. Here we go...

"Was he upset that night," Good Cop asks. Tim says "Well...I 
don't really know. Chris, you were with him a lot more that 
night..." Can you see where this is going? Chris says Rand got 
into a fight with his girlfriend, who's from Canada. Good 
Cop's partner - we'll call him...you guessed it...Bad Cop! - 
comes out from around the corner where he was lurking and asks 
if she's Canadian. Well, duh, that's kind of implied Officer 
Dipshit. They say they haven't located her yet. Yeah, well, 
you might need a snorkel if you're gonna keep trying, boys. 
Chris says she told Rand she was pregnant, he got angry, made 
up a bullshit story about it possibly not being his and pushed 
her. Tim cuts in to say that Chris tried to break it up. "You 
shoulda seen my boy! Jumped right in the middle of the 
fray...woulda taken him too if Rand hadn't cold cocked him." 
Chris immediately adds that it was "nothing" and glares at 
Tim. "Rand had no right to embarrass you like that," Tim says 
and Chris yelps "He didn't embarrass me!"

Good Cop asks what happened next. Chris says Rand left and 
that was the last they saw of him. Tim adds "Yeah, but you 
went running right after him, di...oh..." He gets a look of 
"realization" on his face while Chris continues glaring. And 
sweating. He tries to cover his ass by saying he ran after 
Rand, but Rand had already disappeared. "My boy was lookin' to 
kick some ass," Tim says proudly. Oh, shut up, Tim! The cops 
don't believe Chris. He ran right after Rand? What, did Rand 
just disappear? "Tim, you were there," Chris says desperately. 
Tim shakes his head slightly. Yeah, you're dead meat, Chris. 
You're up shit creek without a paddle. You are the weakest 
link, goodbye! Okay, I'm done now, I promise... "I don't," 
Chris stammers. "I...no...it was...it was probably a minute." 
They ask if Chris went up to the lighthouse that night. Tim 
leans towards Chris and says, "You don't have to answer them 
buddy," then turns to the cops and reminds them that Chris has 
his rights and he should have his lawyer present.

The cops start to leave. Good Cop pauses for a moment to pull 
out the picture Natalie had taken from the dorm room of her 
and Rand and asks if this is the girlfriend. Tim and Chris 
blink at him in shock and Tim asks where they found that 
picture. "Fished it out of the river this morning." So, they 
found the picture she had with her but not her body? I'm 
starting to think these guys couldn't find their own asses 
with a GPS unit. Tim bums a ride from the cops and they pause 
to give Chris one last look of blatant suspicion before 
leaving.

Sometime later Tim and Emma are sitting at the café...or 
whatever it is and Tim says he's "really worried about Chris." 
Yeah, sure. Whatever. She agrees. First the whole Harvard 
thing and now Rand. She says she wants to help him but he 
won't talk to her. Tim says um, yeah, actually, he doesn't 
have to worry about the whole Harvard thing anymore. "He 
didn't tell you?" Grumble. Emma is so naïve... He tells her 
about the 4.0 thing and she says she can't believe Chris took 
it. "That doesn't sound like him." Yeah, it sounds more like 
Tim, doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?! But she thinks he may have 
mentioned it once a long time ago... "Before Rand killed 
himself," Tim asks. Diandra shows up behind Emma and starts 
beating her over the head with a baseball bat. HE'S SETTING 
CHRIS UP, YOU IDIOT! 

"His whole life," Tim continues. "All Chris has ever wanted 
was to get into Harvard. Then his grades...sucked this 
semester. He starts joking about this whole 4.0 Dead Man's 
Curve thing. 'Hey, kill yourself so I can get into grad 
school'." Yeah, obviously this was the plan all along... Emma 
gets pissed and leaves, reminding him that Chris is his "best 
friend". Tim calls after her "it makes sense if you think 
about it!" This is when we find out that the shrink has been 
eavesdropping on the whole conversation. She seems to think 
that it *does* make sense. Oops. 

Chris and Emma are walking along the lighthouse cliff, 
talking...sort of. She reveals that she knows about the whole 
"4.0 thing". He asks how she knows about that. She says he 
told her. He says um, no, I don't think so. She manages to 
avoid the issue and asks if he's taking it. "What would you 
do," he asks. "I'm asking you," she retorts. Oh, would 
somebody just ANSWER THE QUESTION ALREADY?! He says he doesn't 
want to talk about it. What a surprise. She says if he wants 
to take it, he can go ahead. "I'll still love you." She thinks 
maybe he would be less stressed if he *didn't* take it. I'm 
getting confused... "Harvard's not the end all, there are 
plenty of other schools..." "There is no other school," he 
snaps. "It's either an MBA from Harvard or you're flipping 
burgers!" Wow, this sounds so ironic coming from Mr. High-
School-Dropout. Flipping burgers, huh? Sure. Beats going to 
college for six years, using up the funds your parents started 
for you when you were BORN in the first *three*, just so you 
can be qualified enough to look up information in books. Not 
that I'm bitter or anything.

"Let me help you," she begs. "Don't you trust me?" Say yes, 
Chris. For the love of god, if you know what's good for you, 
say yes! He says he needs to "figure this out on [his] own". 
WRONG ANSWER! She says okay, you do that, go, I don't want to 
see you anymore and turns her back on him. He attempts a lame 
apology (too late) and she snaps "go!" Meanwhile, the 
cops/security/coast guard/whatever find Natalie's body.

Later, Tim finds Chris alone in their room, listening to...I 
don't know. Suzanne Vega? "Nice song," he mutters 
sarcastically. "Cheerful." Did everybody get that? HE'S 
LISTENING TO DEPRESSING MUSIC! You might as well speed along 
the process a little and just write that suicide note yourself 
Chris. Chris follows Tim to the bathroom and leans against the 
doorway. "We have to talk," he begins ominously. "I'm gay." 
Then he and Tim kiss for a *long* time. With tongue. No, not 
really. He just says "Natalie's dead." Tim's jaw practically 
drops. "Okay, well, that's clearly unfortunate." You think? He 
says it's okay though, everything is still going according to 
plan. Yeah, you wanna tell Chris exactly what that plan is, 
Brutus?

Blah blah, "You made them think I had something to do with 
Rand's suicide," Chris accuses. You did have something to do 
with that, you nimrod. Tim says he was just having fun. 
"You're fine. Mike and Matt thought you were fine." "Who are 
Mike and Matt," Chris asks. Um...wouldn't that be you guys? 
Heh. Was that done on purpose? "Are you kidding," Chris yelps. 
"You're on a first name basis with the cops? What are you guys 
going for beers later?" Tim says well, actually... "Why are 
you so negative?" Chris flops down in the nearest chair and 
says "I can't deal with this anymore." BINGO! I'm sure that's 
EXACTLY what Tim wanted to hear. Tim says it was his idea in 
the first place. Chris says he was just *kidding*. My lord 
Michael Vartan is a *stick*. Or *was* when he did this movie. 
Seriously, the shorts and T-shirt outfits are not helping...

"When exactly did I put the gun to your head," Tim asks. Well, 
not *yet*. Chris says none of this is worth the 4.0 and he 
doesn't think he even *wants* to go to Harvard anymore. Tim 
says hey, he's trying to get into Harvard too. Harvard Law. 
Why am I not surprised? Tim asks him to think back to six 
weeks ago when he got the B-plus and how depressed he was. 
Ahem. "I wanted to kill myself," Chris admits. "Exactly," Tim 
says triumphantly. Uh-huh. Blah blah, Chris says Emma sort of 
broke up with him. See how aaaaaaaaaalll the shit is just 
hitting him at once? Think this was planned? Yeah, so do I. 
Tim says he has a plan to get the two of them back together. 
Oh, this can't be good... He has Chris go out and buy flowers. 
Tells him to sneak into her room and set it up "all pretty, 
like the Love Shack". Tim, meanwhile, will get a few cocktails 
into her and bring her up to the room. Yeah, that doesn't 
sound like a set up at *all*. He tells Chris to wait in the 
closet for his signal, then come out and surprise her. I'm 
sure she's not the only one who'll be getting a surprise...

There's a brief scene where the cops try to ask the shrink 
some questions, but of course, since she's taken an "oath", 
she doesn't answer any of them. Then we see Tim getting a 
little *too* friendly with Emma at the bar. Seriously. He's 
licking salt from her arm. Ew. Creep. He takes her up to her 
room and says he has a "big surprise" for her. Yeah, no 
kidding. The room is *covered* in candles and roses and 
there's soft music coming from somewhere. Emma proves that her 
judgment has been completely impaired by assuming that Tim did 
it. Yeah, that really looks like something he would do. He's 
really Mr. Sensitive. Besides he was with *her* all night, 
presumably. Anyway. She gushes about how romantic it is and he 
kisses her. Then we see Chris, watching from the closet as she 
drops to her knees in front of Tim. Urg. I have to hand it to 
the director and lighting people here, though. The soft, 
reddish light around Tim combined with the angle of the camera 
makes him look like the devil incarnate.

Chris comes out of the closet and...sorry...let me rephrase 
that. Chris comes out of *hiding* and shoots Emma a dirty look 
before stomping out the door. Looks like somebody's in the dog 
house and this time it's *not* Chris. Chris wanders around the 
campus for a while, wallowing in misery. Apparently he does 
this on into the next day, when Emma finds him sitting against 
a fence somewhere. Of course he is less than thrilled to see 
her. She asks if he's okay and just barely touches his elbow. 
He *yanks* his arm away from her and snaps "don't fucking 
*touch* me!" She says she's sorry and "I know how you must 
feel." He, sympathetic and intelligent person that he is, says 
"fuck you." 

She gets defensive and tells him that people make mistakes. He 
says oh, yeah, you just *accidentally* fell to your knees in 
front of Tim and his dick just *accidentally* landed in your 
mouth, sure. "It's not like we had sex," she mutters lamely. 
"Oh, that makes me feel *so* much better," he sneers. I know, 
I know. There's a Clinton joke in there somewhere, but I like 
to think I'm above taking cheap shots. Usually, anyway. She 
admits that she "fucked up", but says that Tim got her "really 
drunk" and she was "really upset" about Natalie and "really 
lonely" and she obviously wasn't getting any from *Chris*... 
Chris snarks oh, I'm *so* sorry, it's all my fault! Why is it 
whenever Michael Vartan does a boyfriend/girlfriend fight 
scene he seems just as feminine - if not more - than the girl 
he's doing the scene with? Is it just me? 

Emma says that's not what she meant, she just let Tim take 
advantage of the situation. "How can I even trust you," he 
asks bitterly. SEE?! I swear, I'm gonna start calling him 
Christine soon. He asks her if she would have even told him 
had he not been there. "Why were you there," she asks. Oh, 
nice avoidance of the issue there, Em! "Did Tim tell you to be 
there? Did Tim tell you to go into my room and put the flowers 
and the candles..." "No, I did," he interjects. "It was my 
idea." Liar, liar, pants on fire. In more ways than one, 
actually...raaaawr. I'm so sorry, I'll stop, I promise! She 
senses this and tries again, "Did Tim tell you to do it?!" He 
says "yes, but..." Emma finally gets a freaking clue and 
decides to confront him. "Tim told me he thinks you killed 
Rand." Chris looks down guiltily and says he doesn't know what 
Tim is doing. He's setting you up, stupid, that's what he's 
doing!

"It was a joke," Chris mutters. "I saw this comic on MTV...it 
was just a fucking joke." "But you did it," Emma says, wide-
eyed. "Yeah," he admits reluctantly. "We did." Emma freaks 
out. "Chris, Tim is *setting* you *up*!" And I will just 
borrow a quote from the West Wing here and say thank you for 
coming around to the self-evident point I made five minutes 
ago. Chris yelps "what?!" Emma asks if he's blind. No, he's 
just too stupid to live. "Tim would not do that to me," Chris 
insists. Yeah, because he's such a nice guy. "But he would 
seduce your girlfriend and make sure that you see it," Emma 
asks incredulously. "He's gonna make you take the fall!" Chris 
asks why Tim would do that. She says "Maybe he just wants to 
screw you before you screw him. Or he's just a fucking 
psycho." I'm going to go with door number two, Monty. And that 
first option is giving me some very disturbing mental 
images... "We have to do something," she says. He raises his 
eyebrows and replies "we?" She asks if he trusts her. You 
know, hon, you keep asking that, but then you keep giving him 
reasons *not* to. 

After getting nowhere with the shrink, the cops have 
apparently decided to try talking to the college president. He 
says Tim acted really angry and upset. They ask how Chris 
reacted. He thinks hard and says "I don't remember him saying 
much at all..." He thinks Chris seemed "resigned to the fact." 
Bad cop asks, "Maybe like he already knew it?" Yeah, they're 
taking the bait all right.

Chris enters the dark dorm room and finds Tim sitting in a 
chair with a gun in his hand. Well that was kind of 
unexpected. "Where have you been," he demands. "You said you'd 
be back an hour ago and now dinner is ruined!" Okay, so I made 
that last part up. Chris freaks out and asks what the gun is 
for. Tim points it at Chris (what a shock) and announces that 
it's not loaded. Chris sits cautiously on the couch. Tim says 
he can explain everything. He reminds Chris of the story he 
told about Jackass Rand and the Hooker. "It wasn't Rand," he 
admits. "It was me. I did that...what I didn't tell you is she 
[Wendy presumably] came crawling back to me a week later." So 
she was a masochist? Oh, what am I saying...she'd have to be 
to date Tim. "I was testing her. I like to do that, I like to 
push people." Really? I hadn't noticed. "I fucking hated 
Rand!" Well, he's not exactly a lovable guy, now, is he? I 
mean was...oops.

And now we begin the second cool Matthew Lillard monologue of 
the movie. He talks about how spoiled Rand was and how it 
drove him crazy when Chris - Mr. Perfect - joined them. "You 
come from nothing and do better than us?" I thought he made 
some comment at the beginning of the movie about Chris having 
more money than him. Now I'm confused... "He used to joke all 
the time about how easy it would be to get you to kill 
yourself." Pay attention here, Chris. "Isn't it ironic? Don't 
you think? A little?" Yeah, it's a hoot, Tim. Then he gets all 
teary eyed as he talks about how much trust he and Chris have 
been putting in each other what with the whole murdering Rand 
thing. "That's why I kept pushing you and you stuck with me 
all the way," he says. "I've never had anybody like that in my 
whole life." Well, if you weren't such an asshole most of the 
time...deep breath...I'm okay.

Then Chris interrupts the monologue by asking "why Emma?" and 
the camera lens shifts from "telephoto" to "wide-angle", 
accompanied by a whooshing noise. And if you're not familiar 
with photography, basically that means that the wall behind 
Tim seems to move about three feet away. "I didn't do it to 
hurt you," he says. "It was a test...the final test of our 
friendship." Chris rolls his eyes and tells Tim that he's 
sick. You're just now figuring that out, Chris? Tim kneels in 
front of Chris...excuse me for a moment while I try to drag my 
mind out of the gutter. This is what I get for writing so 
freaking much slash...and says "I've never had a real friend 
before." Gee, I wonder why? He starts blaming his Daddy for 
all of his problems until Chris says he doesn't need this crap 
and tries to get up. Tim shoves him back, grabs the gun and 
points it at him again. Yeah, but he already said it's not 
loaded, right? Apparently, Chris has forgotten about that, 
because he's panicking and trying to talk Tim down. 

"You wanna go to Harvard," Tim shrieks. "I'm gonna give ya a 
fucking 4.0!" He puts the gun to his own head. Go for it, Tim, 
we won't stop you. Chris very gently asks him to hand over the 
gun as he pries it out of Tim's hands. And again, why am I 
feeling jealous of Tim? I need chocolate. Tim lets go of the 
gun and falls into Chris' lap, sobbing. And I promise I will 
not make another slash joke. Chris starts murmuring comforting 
statements and patting Tim's back while I shove an entire 
Hershey bar into my mouth. Then Chris leans forward far enough 
for us to see the tape recorder hidden in his pocket. Huh? 
Wha? "It's okay," Chris soothes. "We'll get through this 
together." I love you. [Diandra looks around the room 
frantically] Who said that?!

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (aka Good Cop and Bad Cop) are 
sitting in their car in the middle of the campus. The useless 
security guard from a much earlier scene is in the back seat 
yammering away. "It used to be that all you needed to get a 
good job in this country was a high school diploma." Or not. 
Just ask Mr. Vartan. Heh. "Then you had to have a college 
degree. Not good enough. Then it was a Master's. Hell, I don't 
even know what you can get after that." I'm thinking Ph.D., 
dummy. His point is that "the human brain weighs the same 
today as it did 150 years ago." And? The cops look totally 
bored by his idiotic ramblings and are just about to slip into 
comas when Chris walks up. Good Cop slams the car door open to 
block his path and asks "How're you doing, Mr. Mason?" Chris 
smirks arrogantly and says "Detectives." What? The hell?

Bad Cop asks where Chris is going. He says he has finals to 
get to. They say that can wait. "You wanna get in the car?" 
Chris looks at the car and says "Nah, I'm fine." They decide 
to cut the bullshit. "I think...no, correction...I *know* you 
had somethin' to do with Rand's death." Chris very calmly asks 
if they've found the body. They say no. He says, "So it's not 
really a death, it's a missing person." He tries to walk away, 
but the security guard pulls him back and he rolls his eyes in 
annoyance. Who is this guy and what has he done with Chris? 
They ask why he told them the depressing movies and shit were 
Rand's because they have three store clerks and several 
receipts that say Chris bought them. Chris looks mildly bored 
as he explains that Tim ran out of money and his credit card 
was rejected, so he paid for it. They tell him to stop lying - 
they know Tim's father is rich. Wha? Okay...

"What about the French girl," Bad Cop asks. Good Cop says she 
wasn't French, she was Canadian. Get it straight, donut boy. 
Bad Cop says, who cares, she's French Canadian. Chris points 
out that there aren't many French Canadians in TORONTO. They 
think it's strange that Chris isn't bothered by the fact that 
all of his friends are committing suicide. No kidding. They 
ask him what he did with Rand's body and if he confessed to 
the shrink. Chris just stares off into the distance as he 
tries to figure out when, exactly, he became a cocky asshole. 
Good Cop asks if he smokes. Chris asks why they're suddenly 
concerned about his health. They say they found a lighter at 
the lighthouse cliff. I guess we can add that to the list of 
evidence those two dimwits left behind. 

They ask why he said Natalie was pregnant because, according 
to the autopsy, she wasn't. What? Chris doesn't even *blink*. 
"Look, are you guys gonna arrest me," he snits. They say they 
will as soon as they find the body. Like there even *is* one. 
I mean, seriously. Is anybody else starting to wonder what, 
exactly, Tim did with that big rock he was going to 'bash 
Rand's head in' with? Hmm? Chris starts to leave. Bad Cop 
shoves him back and asks "What, are you a tough guy all of the 
sudden?" Chris sneers back "What, are you becoming smart all 
of the sudden?" WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Good Cop restrains 
Bad Cop before he strangles Chris. There's a lot of incoherent 
babble before Bad Cop says "You college kids! You're the 
*scum* of the earth, man!" Oh, gee, thanks. Like we don't get 
enough flack already. Nice.

The camera follows Chris to the lighthouse where he meets 
Emma. She asks if he brought the tape. He says yeah, but "why 
are we meeting out here?" "Do you have the tape," she repeats. 
Be afraid, Chris. Be very afraid. Chris, total sucker that he 
is, hands her the tape. They freeze as they hear Tim's voice 
nearby. "To whom it may concern. I, being of sound mind but 
broken spirit, have decided to take my own life." He steps 
from the shadows and we see that he is reading from a piece of 
paper - a suicide note. "There's no one to blame but a society 
that has pushed its youth too hard and too fast without ever 
giving them a parachute if they fail." Oh, don't get me 
started on that subject. Emma scampers over and hands the tape 
to Tim, offering Chris a completely insincere "I'm sorry." So 
much for 'I'll still love you.' Nice girl you got there, 
Chris.

"Let's face the facts, Chris," Tim says. "Your game is over. 
You have one choice left. You go out like a man or a big, fat 
girl." He sticks the note in Chris' pocket. Chris doesn't look 
very surprised, but then again, neither are we. "You want me 
to kill myself," he asks in disbelief. Well, duh, idiot. "Rand 
wasn't enough for you?" Tim says he would have been if anybody 
had found the "body". Then he kisses Emma right in front of 
Chris, apparently on the assumption that Chris will become so 
devastated that he'll just *run* for the cliff. Meanwhile, 
Chris is reaching for the gun in his backpack. "Hey, Tim," he 
calls. *Click*. Heh. He reaches into the archive of bad 
dialogue and announces that they're all graduating together... 
in prison! Oh, yeah, that was clever. Not. Tim sticks his 
hands up and says it was all Emma's idea. Snort. Emma 
innocently asks what they did and Chris says we killed Rand, 
you twit. He says he's had enough of this bullshit and he's 
gonna take responsibility for his actions. Emma and Tim glance 
mysteriously to the side with big, dumb smirks. Chris follows 
their gaze and sees...(drumroll)...Rand! Gee, I never would 
have seen that little plot twist coming...

And we're in the shrink's office. WHAT?! No! Go back to the 
cliff! AUGH! The shrink asks Rand why he wanted to kill 
himself. He gives her some BS story about Natalie, his grades 
and how he felt like his whole life was going down the toilet. 
That night he got drunk, fought with Natalie, punched Chris, 
yadda yadda. The shrink says she knows this must be hard for 
him and hands him a Kleenex, which he dabs very dramatically 
at his eye. Oh, please, like he's really crying.

Back on the cliff. Ah, I get it. We're doing a little 
flashback/flashforward thing. Tim, Rand and Emma are backing 
Chris towards the edge of the cliff. "I saw you go over the 
cliff," Chris tells Rand stubbornly. No, you didn't stupid, 
you were busy re-decorating the grass. In voice over, Rand 
continues to tell the shrink about how he stood at the cliff, 
ready to jump, and started thinking about his family and 
friends. All four of them. Chris tells the group to stop, or 
he'll shoot. He means it. Really. Although if that's the same 
gun Tim was pointing at him earlier and it's still not loaded, 
then it's not going to matter much.

Back in the shrink's office, Rand says he "hitched a ride 
downtown" and went to West Palm Beach to visit some friends. 
Apparently because he didn't think he could face his friends 
on the campus after he made such a jackass of himself at the 
party. That is such a weak alibi. He says he planned on coming 
back, he was just so wasted that he forgot about the suicide 
note. Sure. Meanwhile, Chris has reached the edge of the 
cliff. "One more step and I'll shoot all of you," he 
threatens. "What are you thinking," Tim asks. "Look at your 
life. You're not getting into Harvard. I'm fucking your 
girlfriend. Your roommate's been planning your death all 
semester. If I were you, I'd jump." "And then my roommate," 
Rand says to the shrink. "Jesus! I must be cursed!" Hey, 
you're bringing it on yourself, pal. Then, before the shrink 
can reach into her box of standardized responses, he says "I 
know, I shouldn't blame myself." Well, in this case, I think 
you're perfectly justified in doing so, buddy.

"One more fucking step and I'll shoot," Chris yelps. Y'know, 
you keep saying that, but you're not so good on the follow 
through, hon. Tim says 'really?' and takes about a dozen baby 
steps forward. "Fuck you," Chris snaps. Heh. Tim says c'mon 
girlie, you said you were gonna shoot me, go ahead! "With 
friends like you," Chris mutters. "Who wants to live?" Then he 
puts the gun to his own head. Back to the office. GAH! Could 
we STOP doing that, PLEASE?! The session timer goes off and 
Rand says he'll tell her the rest later. She says no, SIT YOUR 
ASS DOWN AND FINISH IT NOW! Finally, she says something 
intelligent.

And we're back on the cliff, zooming in towards Chris until 
his nose takes up about half the screen all by itself (Not 
that it doesn't do that already...) as he pulls the trigger. 
*Click*. Yep, it's the same gun as before. Emma smiles 
wickedly and says "It figures you'd shoot blanks." AUGH! Way 
to kick 'em when they're down, Em! Now maybe you can go drown 
some kittens or something. Seriously, that was like watching 
someone kick a puppy... Chris throws the gun to the side. Tim 
makes an annoying gesture where he 'shoots' his fingers like 
pistols and makes a clicking noise with his tongue. "Looks 
like you've run outta options," he sneers. 

Chris looks at something behind Tim and smiles. "Well, I might 
have one left," he says. *Click* Tim turns around slowly to 
find Rand loading the gun Chris just dropped. Chris asks, 
"Hey, Rand, how was West Palm Beach?" What the...how...the 
fuck? Rand says it was cold. Chris says he should have gone to 
Vegas. Rand points the now-loaded gun at Tim's head and says 
"I don't like to gamble." Tim, echoing my sentiments, says 
"you gotta be fuckin' kidding me." Chris just stands there 
with a vaguely evil smile plastered to his face. Mommy...

"I'm really gonna miss that guy," Rand tells the shrink. Now 
Chris and Tim have switched places and Emma is backing slowly 
away from the cliff. Yeah, I don't blame her. "You know this 
isn't personal," Chris says calmly. Rand adds, "Nobody ever 
liked you anyway." Ouch. That was harsh...but probably true. 
Chris says, "I guess now we're really gonna see how far you 
can push people." Yeah, that one just bit him in the ass. Then 
Chris makes the same gesture Tim just made, except now it 
looks *really* creepy. Seriously. Michael Vartan is certainly 
no Robert Patrick, but it looks like he *can* do psychotic. 
Anyway... He sticks the suicide note in Tim's pocket and says, 
"Harvard's really not going to be the same without you." Yeah, 
my guess is it'll be better. Rand promises they'll dedicate a 
wing in the Psyc department in his memory. Heh. 

Suddenly, Tim starts laughing. "This isn't gonna work," he 
says. "You can't shoot me, you morons! It's gotta look like a 
suicide." Brilliant dear. Do you really think saying that is 
going to stop them? I think they're well past the point of no 
return. At least if they shot you there'd be a chance of them 
getting arrested for murder, but you might as well just take 
the gun and blow your brains out yourself now. Idiot. 

Chris fakes a surprised look and says oh, yeah, that's right. 
Then he and Rand push Tim off the cliff. They turn to a 
scared-looking Emma. Apparently she wasn't let in on this part 
of the plan. "Hey, Emma," Chris calls to her, pulling a second 
suicide note from his pocket. AUGH! Emma freaks the hell out. 
He asks if she's 'in' or 'out'. Well, when you put it *that* 
way... She just stares back at him like she can't believe her 
wimpy boyfriend was the brains behind the entire operation all 
along. Not that we feel sorry for her. I mean, she's the one 
who kept talking about how much she loved him and wanted to 
help him out when she and Tim were really plotting to kill 
him. Yeah, cry me a river. 

Shrink's office. Rand watches out the window as Chris and Emma 
walk through some sort of grassy area on campus below. Guess 
she's in. The shrink says Rand was never legally declared 
dead, so he's still a registered student. And now that Tim is 
dead, he's entitled to that automatic 4.0. Rand says he didn't 
want to take it. Sure, Rand, we believe you. Except for the 
part where we really don't. "Chris and I talked about it for a 
long time." I wouldn't call it "talking" so much as "plotting 
a homicide". "What made you change your mind," the shrink 
asks. He says "we talked to Emma." Wha? Now we're gonna shift 
all the suspicion to her? The hell? 

He says she was Natalie's roommate and she took the 4.0 when 
Natalie bought it. We get two brief flashbacks here. One of 
Emma standing in the bathroom looking at Natalie's home 
pregnancy test results, the other of Good Cop saying "We did 
an autopsy. Natalie was not pregnant". Oh. My. God. You have 
*got* to be kidding me...  "She explained to us that it's what 
Tim would have wanted," Rand continues. Actually, I'm sure Tim 
would have wanted Chris dead. "What are you gonna get your 
Master's in," the shrink asks for no apparent reason. Rand 
smiles and says "I'm thinking about... drama." The shrink 
nearly chokes on her cigarette and stares at Rand, wide-eyed. 
WHEEEEEE!!!!!

Okay, so wait a minute, let me get this straight... Chris and 
Rand came up with this "brilliant" plot to kill Tim that 
required Chris and Tim to come up with a "brilliant" plot to 
kill Rand while Rand, Tim and Emma were really "secretly" 
plotting to kill Chris and Natalie? And it *worked*? Y'know, 
if these guys had spent as much time studying as they must 
have spent concocting that ridiculously complicated plan then 
they wouldn't have had to worry about their friggin' GPA, now 
would they? Discuss that among yourselves. I have to go lie 
down. This is giving me a headache.

~Diandra Hollman