"It Had To Be You"

Written and Directed by Steven Feder. Here's hoping he sticks 
   to directing from now on.

Staring: Michael Vartan as Charlie Hudson, Natasha Henstridge 
   as Anna Penn, Michael Rispoli as Henry Taylor, Olivia d'Abo 
   as Tracy Meltempi, Joelle Carter as Claire Parker, a 
   dissembodied voice as David Allen and - according to IMDb - 
   Joseph Baldwin as Charlie Hudson. Excuse me? 


**WARNING!!** 
This review/recap will give away the ending of the movie, 
although, if you don't know what the ending is going to be 
within the first 10 minutes then you were probably born 
yesterday (and that will not be the only cliché you see in 
this review).
**END WARNING**

We open with some Frank Sinatra-like music, which, of course, 
will end up being significant later. And we see Michael Vartan 
(aka Charlie Hudson) clicking away at a typewriter. One of 
these days, somebody is going to have to explain to me why on 
earth movie characters always write using typewriters instead 
of, say, a computer like normal people.

Some woman comes over and starts a conversation with him...
with no sound...and I begin wondering if there's something 
wrong with the tape. Before I can try to "fix it" (translation: 
throw something at the television and hope it will go away), 
we cut to Charlie saying "We're finalizing our wedding plans 
and you want me to go by myself?" And there you have the 
entire set-up. Right there. Didn't catch it? That's okay, 
it'll be repeated about a half a dozen times throughout the 
movie.

The woman (Claire) says that she's taken care of everything 
and he just has to answer a few questions like 'gold or 
silver'. I'm surprised she's trusting him with that much. This 
whole conversation is just set-up. All you need to know is 
that they're planning their wedding and Claire - who has 
obviously never read a romance novel in her *life* - is 
sending Charlie to a hotel for the weekend to take care of 
the details. And then presumably, they'll hop on a flying 
donkey for their honeymoon in Never Never Land, because that's 
about as likely as them actually going through with the 
wedding.

The hotel that is fancier than anything I've ever stayed in. 
In any country. There is an obligatory scene here. If you've 
ever seen a romantic comedy, you've seen some version of it. 
Charlie is at the check-in counter when Natasha Henstridge 
(aka Anna Penn, whose name I could have sworn was "Anne" until 
the last 10 minutes) comes up next to him. He pauses long 
enough to give her a Significant Look before walking away. 
Then, just in case we missed it, they stand right next to each 
other to wait for the elevator and then get on it together.

Anna's room. Anna is making small talk with the chatty bellhop. 
Blah blah, Central Park fountain, blah blah, reminds me of 
Europe, blah. He tells her to try drinking a glass of wine by 
the fountain some time this weekend and it'll be just like 
being in Europe. Or she could go to a truck stop on a rainy 
day and get a good whiff of diesel fumes. I find it's just 
like being in France.

Meanwhile, in Charlie's room, Charlie calls his best buddy 
(whose name I figured out later is Harry, but I like Buddy 
better, so I'll just stick with that) and invites him to 
dinner at the hotel. Buddy picks up a picture of him and 
Charlie for no reason other than to establish their 
relationship to each other, which is that they were partners 
in the NYPD.

Charlie and Buddy meet at the hotel bar for a bit of exposition 
dialogue. Buddy is an alcoholic. He went to one AA meeting and 
told some elaborate fictional story when it was his turn to 
talk about himself. Oh and he hates Claire, did I mention 
that? He also says that he does believe in the idea of marriage 
"and if ever I meet a girl who drinks Bourbon and shaves, I'll 
marry her in a minute." Buddy stops mid-sentence as Anna walks 
into the bar. She and Charlie nod at each other and Buddy asks 
how they know each other. Charlie tells him they rode up in 
the elevator together, then, realizing that that story is not 
impressive enough for Buddy the Entertainer, says they're both 
spies and "planning to make love before we're assassinated by 
the CIA." Insert your own "Alias" joke here. This all leads to 
Actually Funny Moment #1: 

   Buddy: You know, if I was lucky, she'd really turn out to 
      be a spy and you'd get shot while making love to her and 
      I could write the story. 
   Charlie: Tell you what, forget about her. I'll shoot 
      *myself* and you can write my tragic biography.

After dinner they have a vague conversation about what 
happened That Day to make Charlie give up his badge although 
considering how formula-driven this movie is, you can bet it 
involved some sort of accident where some innocent person died 
and he blames himself for not being able to save them.

Charlie gets on the elevator and a female voice yells for him 
to hold the door. Gee...I wonder who it is? Anna gets in and 
there's an awkward silence until Anna informs Charlie that the 
elevator won't move if he just stands there with his finger on 
the door open button like an idiot. Then there's a stilted 
conversation about dinner. Anna says she recommends the 
Washington Salmon. And "Washington is our 20th largest state. 
Average rainfall 32 inches." Wait, when did this turn into an 
episode of "John Doe"? Charlie looks at her the way you'd look 
at somebody you suspect is criminally insane and mentally 
wills the elevator to go faster.

Charlie's room - Night. Charlie is lying in bed...um...sorry, 
I lost my train of thought for a moment there. Charlie is 
lying in bed when water starts dripping onto his face. He calls 
the front desk and demands to know "what's above my room?" 
Um...the ceiling? Yadda yadda, blah blah, they'll send someone 
to fix it.

Charlie wanders upstairs to find the repair guy banging on the 
door of the room the water came from. Guess who answers the 
door wearing only a robe? She asks if the water came into his 
room and he says oh, just a *trickle* and he was just a 
*little* concerned. Sure. Liar. Anna says she fell asleep in 
the bathtub listening to Frank Sinatra. Guess what? They both 
like Sinatra! What a coincidence! Cue eye roll. Then Anna 
opens her big yap and informs Charlie that Sinatra has "21 
gold, 2 platinum and one multi-platinum" albums. Cue blank 
stare from Charlie as the smile slides right off his face. The 
repair guy comes back into the hallway, Charlie and Anna 
introduce themselves to each other, blah blah, moving on.

Bridal Registry...whatever. An obnoxious saleslady greets 
Charlie, much to Anna's surprise as she happens to be in the 
next room. Turns out she's planning a wedding too. And 
apparently this is the only Bridal Registry in all of New York 
City. Obnoxious Saleslady asks if they dated in high school or 
something. Anna says no, but she flooded his room last night. 
Obnoxious Saleslady watches with a raised eyebrow and wonders 
what kind of kinky sex act they're referring to as Anna then 
turns to Charlie and asks if the bed finally dried and he says 
"Yeah, well, I sorta slept sideways." This marks the first 
time that one of them has to explain that they're both getting 
married, but NOT to each other.

"You two want to look at towels first or go right to bed 
linens," Obnoxious Saleslady asks dryly. Ha! Of course, when 
she shows them some bed sheets made of cotton, Anna feels 
compelled to announce that "The United States produces one-
fifth of all the cotton grown in the world." Charlie leans 
back and stares her in the eyes as if he's checking for normal 
dilation.

While they're looking at silverware patterns, Charlie admits 
that he actually has his grandmother's old silverware still, 
but that Claire wants something "new". Then he tells her a 
story about watching his grandmother polish that silverware 
every Sunday. "I'd say you have no need for new silverware," 
she states. And, yes, the "just a new fiancée" part is implied. 
Yadda yadda, break for lunch or something.

Charlie and Anna take a walk and chat about their never-to-be-
had marriages. They're both getting married in nine months - 
within a week of each other. Oh, and both of their fiancés are 
workaholics, currently away on business. Wow, what are the 
chances? (That was sarcasm, by the way) 

Charlie says that he's writing a book. Anna asks how long it 
is. He says he's on page six. She says oh, he must be just 
starting then. He says "No, actually, I've been writing it for 
about six months." Hmm...that sounds like the way I write. 
Anna starts laughing, prompting Charlie to tell her that he 
doesn't need *strangers* to laugh at him, he has *friends* 
for that.

They stop at some sort of greenhouse called "Tavern on the 
Green" and Anna says she always wanted to have her wedding 
there, but David (her fiancé) doesn't. Yeah yeah, their 
fiancés are all wrong for them, WE GET IT!

Pointless scene back at the Bridal Register before we're back 
outside. Charlie says it looks like it might rain. Yeah, now 
he's just asking for it. Anna babbles something about the 
number of "rain days" recorded at Central Park or something. I 
think it's supposed to be cute when she does this, but I think 
if I knew somebody who was constantly rattling off pointless 
statistics, it would take all of my willpower to keep me from 
slapping them. Charlie tells her she has a nice laugh...and 
nice teeth. She says "Thirty-four. That's two more than 
average!" That banging sound you hear is my head hitting the 
desk. Repeatedly. 

They go their separate ways, both looking for gifts for the 
groomsman/maid-of-honor. Charlie ends up in a shop run by a 
guy named Ricky Valentino who so fits every Hollywood cliché 
of "mobster" that I'm surprised he doesn't start talking like 
Marlon Brando. Apparently, Charlie arrested him once. Now, 
he's watching his cousin's shop "while he's away". "When's he 
coming back," Charlie asks. "Eight to ten years," Ricky growls. 
Then he shows Charlie a pair of "gold-platted" cufflinks and 
declares "Nobody can tell they ain't real gold!" Prompting 
Charlie to wonder how the heck this guy got out of jail.

Meanwhile, Anna has gone to a much...classier store. And of 
course, in Hollywood, the classier it is, the snobbier the 
employees. She ends up buying a kind of tacky looking necklace 
for $1,700. I'm wondering why a snooty place like this would 
even carry something that does not have some sort of big ass, 
sparkling jewel on it.

And now there's a semi-pointless scene at the hair salon where 
the aforementioned maid-of-honor (played by Olivia d'Abo and 
looking very much like a refugee from "Notting Hill") works to 
establish Anna's friendship with her. "So, what does Charlie 
look like," Olivia asks. And yes, I know that's not the 
character's name - which is Tracy - but I don't care. "He's 
kinda cute," Anna says warily. "Ah! Cute means hot," Olivia 
declares. Why does this conversation sound so familiar? Oh, 
yeah..."Alias". "We went shopping together," Anna says 
defensively. "What do you think happened? Wait...don't answer 
that." Snort. Olivia points out that they're both *getting* 
married, meaning they're not married *yet*, so there's no harm 
in "having a little fun" before then. I like her. Anna acts 
all flabbergasted as if the idea would *never* have crossed 
her mind. 

Back at the hotel, Charlie gets a message from Claire that 
says absolutely nothing important. It only serves to show us 
just how boring she is by having her drone on monotonously in 
voice over until Anna shows up, at which point Charlie stops 
reading mid-sentence. Can we say "plot device"? Yeah, I thought 
so. Anna says she's exhausted and she just wants to eat dinner, 
take a bath and go to bed. Charlie thinks that sounds good...
except for the bath part. He offers to join her for dinner, 
but unfortunately, not for the rest. She refuses because she 
is apparently determined to get through this cliché of a plot 
the hard way.

Anna's room. Anna listens to a voice mail from her own boring 
fiancé, who ends the message with "Goodnight...oh, I love you." 
Yeah, *there's* a real romantic, right there! Not. So she 
decides to join Charlie for dinner after all. Yeah, that'll 
show him. Let the flirting begin!

She tells Charlie that she's a teacher, which is supposed to 
explain why she acts like a human encyclopedia. He asks her 
about the eternal question of 'If train A leaves the station 
going at such and such miles an hour and train B leaves going 
in the opposite direction...' She admits that they arrive at 
their destination at the same time, confirming the theory that 
the whole scenario was devised just to torture school children. 

Meanwhile, Buddy is at the bar. What a shocker. Olivia 
saunters in, plops herself on a barstool and orders a Bourbon, 
which of course makes Buddy's ears perk up. Methinks I doth 
hear wedding bells.

Back in the hotel dining room, Anna orders a cheesecake, takes 
one bite and announces that it's "Better than sex." Then her 
jaw drops open and she mentally pounds herself on the forehead 
for saying that out loud. Too late. "Really," Charlie laughs. 
"You're probably having sex with the wrong guy. I mean, the 
cheesecake is *good*, but..." Everybody raise your hand if you 
think that was a blatant offer to prove her wrong. Yeah, me 
too... Anna gets that innocent, shocked expression again as if 
the thought hasn't crossed her mind by now.

Bar. We find out that Buddy is allowed to drink for free 
because he's a cop and therefore the criminals tend to not try 
robbing the place as long as he's there. So, he's always 
there. Isn't that thoughtful of him? Pffffffttttt.

Central Park. Charlie and Anna are taking a walk after dinner. 
And now we finally find out what, exactly, happened That Day 
that made Charlie leave the NYPD. Are you ready for this? 
Apparently, he was a negotiator who spent most of the time 
talking people out of jumping from tall buildings. On That Day, 
the jumper was just a teenager and - in true teenage fashion - 
did NOT want to listen to some stupid adult telling her what 
to do. He blamed himself for not saving her and quit. See? 
See?! What'd I tell ya?! 

Buddy's Bar of Drunken Soulmates. Buddy and Olivia find out 
that they both have friends that are getting married in nine 
months. No duh. And they both *really* hate their friend's 
choices of fiancés. Oy. 

Central Park. Again. Charlie invites Anna to "listen to 
bands" with him "tomorrow". He promised a friend that he'd 
"give his cousin a chance". How about giving your own cousin 
a chance? Yeah, I know, I know...reality versus fiction. 
Whatever. But seriously, Michael, sweetie, if you ever do get 
married, two words: David Hallyday. Just a suggestion.

Buddy's Bar. Again. Closing time. Buddy offers to take Olivia 
home, but, you know, not go home *with* her or take her home 
with *him* or anything. Cheesy dialogue abounds and I'm afraid 
it's only going to get worse.

Charlie's room. Charlie apparently can't sleep because his 
muse has decided that he needs to work on his book RIGHT NOW! 
Yeah, I hate when my muse does that. 

The next day, Charlie and Anna arrive at the "Love Lounge" 
where they meet Charlie's friend-of-a-cousin, or cousin-of-a-
friend, whatever. He looks like a reject from the 70s. He 
introduces himself as "Bobby Love" and asks whose barmitzvah 
they're looking at bands for. And, of course, he mistakes Anna 
for Charlie's fiancée, marking the second time they have to 
explain that they ARE both getting married, but NOT to each 
OTHER.

Viewing room of the worst home movies known to man, or 
Actually Funny Moment #5. (Yeah, I know...I skipped a couple.) 
It turns out that the "bands" are actually a bunch of weirdoes 
so lacking in talent that they could probably get themselves 
kicked out of a Karaoke bar. The horrified expressions on 
Charlie and Anna's faces are priceless. Anna tries to slip a 
little snark into the scene by announcing that one particular 
singer - who is either a drag queen or just really, really 
ugly - is "lovely". Charlie turns to her and snaps "Don't 
encourage him!" Bobby tells Charlie to "tell Richie I took 
good care o' ya!" And Charlie, voice dripping with sarcasm, 
says "Don't worry, I'm gonna take good care of Richie!"

Unfortunately, the writers apparently decided that we viewers 
are too simple-minded to grasp the meaning of that statement 
and therefore thought it was necessary to have Charlie clarify 
it as they are leaving the "Love Lounge" by saying "Next time 
I see Richie, I'm gonna shoot him." Then we have a totally 
useless scene with a former friend of Charlie's who is now 
homeless that should probably have just been left on the 
cutting room floor.

Charlie decides to pay a visit to his priest - the one who 
will be performing the ceremony if there ever is one, which, 
of course, there won't be. At least not the one they're 
thinking of. Anna goes with him for no reason other than to 
create yet another reason for somebody to confuse her with 
Claire.

The priest is named Father Fitzpatrick, wears a bright green 
robe, and speaks with a thick Irish brogue. Yeah. He might as 
well be wearing a sign that says "Irish Stereotype!" In fact, 
I think I'm going to start calling him "Laddie" (Yes, I know 
that's Scottish, but how many people in Hollywood can tell the 
difference anyway?). Oh, and when I say he *looks* like a 
"Father", I mean he looks like a "grandfather". Complete with 
bald head, beard and thick, white eyebrows. Laddie tells Anna 
that he's known Charlie since he (Charlie) was a little boy 
and that he (still Charlie) used to sneak into the girl's 
locker room through the air vent and take pictures. Michael 
Vartan makes some sort of "artistic choice" to stop 'acting' 
during this exchange and start 'overacting'. I guess he 
finally realized just how cheesy this movie is and decided to 
just play along.

Of course, Laddie assumes that Anna is the girl Charlie is 
marrying. I would like to submit the ensuing conversation as 
evidence that Charlie and Anna are both dumb as rocks (and 
Actually Funny Moment #6):

   Charlie: We're not getting married.
   Laddie: Now, now. Everybody gets the jitters!
   Charlie: No you don't understand, we're practically 
      strangers.
   Laddie: Well, we're all strangers at first, Charles. It 
      takes a lifetime to get to know someone...
   Anna: Father, we're marrying *other* people.
   Laddie: You've fallen for others? During your ENGAGEMENT?! 
      Let me tell you a little story. A man walked for miles 
      in the desert, having lost his way...oh, no, no, that's 
      the one for adultery...

It never occurs to EITHER of them, until after they've already 
gone through this whole circus, to say "THIS isn't my fiancé(e) 
and never was. This is just a friend who happens to also be 
getting married"? "You two just seemed like a couple," Laddie 
stammers. Groan. Say it with me now: They're both getting 
married BUT NOT TO EACH OTHER! As the couple that insists they 
are not is leaving, Laddie gives them a cliché-riddled speech 
that I frankly don't remember a word of because I blocked it 
from my memory. Really. You know the spam-blockers you can get 
for e-mail? It's kind of like that, only more effective. I 
call it a sap-blocker. I'm also suddenly distracted by Michael 
Vartan's hair, which I'd swear has started changing styles all 
by itself. Seriously, I think it changes to 'windblown' before 
he even steps outside! Oh, great. Now that's gonna distract me.

Anna's dinner with Mommy and the Mommy-in-Law that will never 
be. Mommy insults David (Anna's invisible fiancé, remember?) 
and tells Anna "When you were a little girl you used to say 
that someday a knight on a white horse was gonna sweep you 
away. And I used to tell you 'settle for a guy in a white 
Cadillac'." Now, she's changed her mind. "Don't settle." You 
don't suppose this will be important later, do you?

David's mother shows up and we get a scene that only serves to 
remind us of just how horrible the prospect of marrying into 
this family should be for Anna. Basically, she is a stuck up 
bitch who's obsessive-compulsive cleaning habits would rival 
both Niles and Frasier Crane *combined* and Anna's mother 
hates her. Moving on.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Buddy meet at some café...or something. 
They start talking about Anna (You know, The Spy? *wink wink*). 
Charlie says she's a teacher. Buddy says "You should ask her 
about the two trains..." "I did," Charlie admits. "They arrive 
at the same time." "I KNEW it," Buddy exclaims as though he's 
been waiting for somebody to tell him the answer to that 
question for YEARS. Then Charlie reaches into his Id of 
Repressed Desires and asks if Buddy believes in love at first 
sight. Buddy reveals why he is still single in what I'm 
guessing is his late 30s to early 40s.

   Buddy: Let me ask you something. Why do you think cupid 
      uses an arrow? Not a feather or a cotton ball or the back 
      of a soft bedroom slipper, but an arrow?
   Charlie: It's metaphoric. An arrow gets your attention - 
      makes you feel something.
   Buddy: No. It's because an arrow blinds you or kills you. I 
      think you find love and then the arrow pokes you in the 
      eyes and blinds you. Then you spend the rest of your 
      life bumping into things, hoping to see again.

Charlie apparently agrees with me as he says "I can see why 
women tend to avoid you." "Actually," Buddy muses. "Men tend 
to avoid me too." Wait, wait! Does that mean that he's tried 
to hit on men before or something? Okay, I'm not going to go 
there...

Olivia's apartment...I think. Olivia and Anna are also 
discussing love at first sight and the fact that David is not 
the right man for Anna. Zzzzzzz...

Back with Charlie and Buddy, still discussing love, fate and 
why Buddy is in serious need of therapy. Charlie asks if Buddy 
believes there is one person you're meant to spend the rest of 
your life with. Buddy thinks there are two. "The first one 
takes all your money when she leaves you. Then, a year later, 
you meet the second one and since you've got no money left for 
her to take, she just rips your heart out and then she leaves 
you." Pessimistic much? Charlie asks him where he gets all the 
hostility. "Talk radio," Buddy answers. Heh.

Back at the Apartment of Estrogen, Anna and Olivia are having 
a weepy conversation about true love. Oh, please don't make me 
recount this. Basically: David? A loser. Charlie? Possibly the 
love of Anna's life even though they only met, like, two days 
ago, barely know each other and haven't even kissed. Then we 
get the male version of this same exchange, minus the 
waterworks, of course, but just as gag inducing. 

Anna's hotel room. Anna, dressed in what appears to be satin 
pajamas, is lounging on her bed when her phone rings. She 
answers the phone with "Hi, David," so, of course, it's 
Charlie. I wonder what would have happened if she had said 
"Hey baby, I was just thinking about you..." He asks her to 
come down to the front entrance because it's their "last 
night" and he wants to do something special. Does that sound 
weird to anybody else, or is it just me?

Presumably, she gets dressed (although the next scene might 
have been more interesting if she hadn't), but we don't know 
because the next shot is the exterior of the main hotel 
entrance as Anna swoops through the doors to overly-dramatic 
music and stops just outside as her jaw falls open and her 
eyes practically pop out of her head. Want to take a guess 
what she's looking at? If you said anything that included the 
words "white horse," then congratulations, you've obviously 
been paying attention. If you said "Charlie. Naked. With a big 
ole red ribbon strategically placed," then get the hell out of 
my gutter. 

Of course she's looking at Charlie standing next to a horse-
drawn, two-seater carriage complete with champagne and white 
horse. Think you've set the bar high enough there, Casanova? 
Now it's gonna be that much harder to get away with forgetting 
your anniversary. How you planning to propose? Rent a 
billboard in Time's Square? 

Carriage of bad dialogue. Charlie hands Anna a glass of 
champagne. She says she has a "sneaking suspicion" that this 
isn't the first bottle he's opened. He says no, "the first 
bottle was to get up the nerve to open this one." Great, so 
he's already pretty buzzed. I'll just blame the following 
conversation on that then. They find out that they apparently 
lived on the same street for twenty years. What are the 
chances? Groan. Here we go with the fate stuff again. She says 
they must have passed each other dozens of times. I'd like to 
remind everybody here that this movie is supposed to take 
place in NEW YORK CITY! What do you suppose are the chances of 
that happening? At least in the real world? Oh, what am I 
saying... He says no, that's impossible because he "would have 
stopped." Somebody please shoot me. Better yet, shoot the 
writer responsible for this sappy dialogue.

Anna is oblivious to the hideousness of that line, however. 
They lean in until their lips are exactly one millimeter from 
each other and pause for a moment while we viewers wonder if 
we really care whether or not they actually kiss. Then Anna 
pulls away, embarrassed and Charlie passes out drunk in her 
lap. Okay, so they both pull away embarrassed, and Charlie 
asks the driver to take them back to the hotel, but I like my 
version better. At least that could have been funny.

And when Charlie gets back to his room, he finds Claire 
sitting in the dark. Apparently, she finished whatever she was 
doing early and decided to surprise him. He seems less than 
thrilled to see her, probably because he's feeling guilty for 
coming *thisclose* to cheating on her. Claire calls him 
"darling", apologizes for sticking him with all the wedding 
stuff, tells him she missed him and would he maybe, possibly, 
make love to her? Charlie, who was probably mentally 
undressing Anna and therefore not paying attention, looks at 
her blankly and says "Wha?" Claire, certainly not one to beat 
around the bush, rips off her dress, shoves him onto the bed, 
climbs on top of him and starts playing tonsil hockey.

The next morning...damnit. Charlie wakes up to see Claire 
bustling around, getting ready to leave for work. Again. I 
have no idea what she's saying because the camera keeps going 
back to a shot of Charlie from the foot of the bed somewhere 
and I am distracted by the fact that Michael Vartan appears to 
have no nostrils. Anyway. He starts whining about the 'good 
old times' when the two of them stayed up all night eating 
pizza and thinking of ideas for her advertising job. He misses 
those times. She doesn't. She gets a bit uppity and reminds 
him of how crappy and low paying her job was then. Blah blah, 
see you later honey, not a chance in hell.

Later, Charlie sees Anna taking a walk in the park through the 
hotel room window. The repair guy (remember him?) says they 
"look good together". Oh, goody. Here we go again with the 
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED BUT *NOT* TO EACH *OTHER*. Then the 
friendly repair guy breaks out the "book of wisdom" and tells 
Charlie a story about a woman he met when he was a sailor on 
leave in Hawaii. She was an R.N. and he fell in love with her 
but they had to part when his ship took off on a six month 
trip. He tried to find her and failed so he married somebody 
else. "I love my wife," he says. "But a day doesn't go by that 
I don't wonder about Kara." I know this is another clichéd 
moment - the cautionary tale to encourage the hero to make a 
move - but I actually know somebody who lived it. Of course, 
he didn't have any trouble locating the woman; it just turned 
out that she was married. Sorry. Moving on.

Oh no. Here comes the fountain scene. God. Oh, it starts out 
innocently enough: Charlie sits beside Anna, who has finally 
decided to try the bellhop's (remember him?) suggestion and 
have a glass of wine by the fountain. She says she only has 
one glass, but he can drink out of the bottle if he wants to 
join her. Yeah, I'm gonna blame the alcohol again. Liquor + 
Charlie = Awful attempt at "romantic dialogue" that a monkey 
could write. 

They close their eyes and imagine they're in Europe. He asks 
her where she is. She says she's on the Spanish Steps. Where 
is he? Michael...I mean Charlie, says "Paris. Eiffel Tower." 
Yeah, that figures. He says something about the Paris lights, 
but I'm too busy wondering if the writers did that on purpose 
to pay attention. She says it sounds beautiful and she's never 
been to Paris. He tells her to join him then and takes her 
hand as her eyes *fly* open. His are still closed though, so 
she keeps playing along and says she's there. He asks "How 
does it look to you?" She just stares at him. I wonder what 
would happen if she said that it has kind of a big nose with 
no visible nostrils and a five-o-clock shadow? She says she's 
scared because she's "never been up this high before." Is 
there supposed to be some sort of double meaning to that? 
Charlie opens his eyes (and, unfortunately, his mouth) and 
says "I have you. I won't let you fall." This is the point 
when I curl into a fetal position and start whimpering. 

"Charlie, can you imagine what our lives would be like 
together," she asks. Happier than they would be having to 
listen to your friends bitch about your anal husband whose 
idea of being romantic is "oh...I love you"? Charlie counters 
with "Do you believe there's only one person we're meant to 
spend our lives with?" Oh, honey, drop that already, would 
you? Anna says she does and Charlie asks how it's possible, 
then, to be in love with two people. She says "I don't think I 
am," and walks away. Ouch. That was harsh.

Now we get a completely predictable montage of scenes to the 
tune of Brandi's "Have You Ever Really Loved Somebody", except 
it's being sung by somebody else. Once again, I would like to 
point out that these people met TWO DAYS AGO and HAVEN'T EVEN 
KISSED YET! We see Anna teaching (or just walking around to 
make sure the kids are working and not screwing around), 
Charlie actually writing (gee, I would never have seen *that* 
coming), Buddy speaking at an AA meeting (and actually telling 
the truth this time) and Olivia looking for Buddy at the bar, 
which of course he's not at. Oy vey.

One year later. What?! They were both getting married in nine 
months and we jump to 'one year later'? Okay, okay, just go 
with it. Anna is at work and on lunch break. She sits with 
some woman who is apparently her friend but whom we've never 
seen before. We'll call her Four-Eyes (I wear glasses, so I'm 
allowed to make that joke). 

Four-Eyes is completely engrossed in a book, dabbing at her 
eyes and sniffling as she reads. Anna asks what the book is 
about. Four-Eyes says "It's about this guy...he meets this 
girl...and he falls so in love with her." Congratulations, 
sweetie, you've just described every romance novel ever 
written. I get the feeling it's also the way this movie was 
pitched... Anyway, Anna says as much, but Four-Eyes says the 
catch is that "they meet on the weekend they're both planning 
their weddings." Anna just sits there for a moment before she 
asks "How does it end?" He swears off of women forever and 
becomes a priest? Four-Eyes hasn't finished it yet, so Anna 
snatches the book out of her hands, sees Charlie's picture on 
the back cover and flips to the last page. "Though it was only 
a weekend, it might as well have been a lifetime," she reads. 
"What I gained from her was believing in myself again and 
realizing that, in fact, there was only one person I was meant 
to spend the rest of my life with. Anna." Oh for the love of 
Goddess. He didn't even change the names? Gee, do you think 
she would have found out eventually? And don't even get me 
started on the likelihood of a man writing a decent romance 
story...well, a *straight* man anyway. Gag me.

If you're lactose intolerant, you might want to skip the next 
few paragraphs because there's enough cheese here to rival 
Wisconsin.

Anna goes to Olivia's hair salon and announces that Charlie 
never married Claire. Olivia drops what she was doing and says 
she's going with Anna to find Charlie. Here is where the 
extras prove that they are, in fact, in a movie and therefore 
required to act unrealistically because they're all smiling 
and happy for Anna or some such crap instead of, you know, 
asking what the hell this woman is yaking about and where the 
hell Olivia thinks she's going when she hasn't even finished 
their highlights yet. I mean, come on, this is supposed to be 
NEW YORK CITY!

Police station. Anna and Olivia ask the officer behind the 
desk if he knows where they could find Charlie, because Anna 
doesn't know anything other than he used to work there. 
Apparently she's never heard of a phone book either. The 
officer says "Detective Hudson" is on a call, but she can 
leave a message in his mailbox. Anna says wait a minute, he's 
working here again? The officer says no, dipshit, we just keep 
calling him 'Detective' and putting mail in his box in the 
hopes that he'll come back someday. Olivia flirts with him a 
bit and he finally gives them the address the call came from. 

Building of formula-driven plot devices. The jumper is a 
teenage girl. Just like the one Charlie couldn't save. Can you 
see where this is going already? Charlie and Buddy arrive on 
the roof and Buddy says "You bring her in, Charlie." Oh shut 
up, Buddy. Charlie introduces himself to the girl and starts 
making random comments in the hope that she'll respond to one 
of them. He points out a rainbow in the sky and says something 
about them having something to do with the moon. She tells him 
they're a reflection from the sun, moron. He asks if she 
learned that in school. She says yes, and that woman down 
there on the street was probably her teacher, because 
apparently New York City is a *small* town. 

She finally agrees to come in and, of course, slips the second 
she grabs Charlie's hand. Of course, since we're shown the 
inflatable mattress set up on the sidewalk to catch her if she 
falls, I'm assuming Charlie could probably just let her go. 
But of course then he wouldn't be the big hero, now, would he? 
He pulls her back over the ledge, comforts her a bit and calls 
her "sweetheart". She doesn't look that much younger than me. 
Great. So I'm apparently young enough that, hypothetically, 
Michael could pat me on the head and call me sweetheart. Wait, 
why am I complaining? And where did that come from? GAH!

Now we see Anna and Olivia waiting at the building entrance 
for Charlie to come back down. Thankfully, Buddy is the first 
to arrive, so we are spared the 'happy reunion' for the moment 
as he is confronted by Olivia. Thank God for Buddy and Olivia. 
They provide an adorable, much-needed break in the sap right 
here. Buddy warily asks Olivia how she's been. "Suicidal for a 
day," she quips. "Then fine." He says he doesn't know what to 
say. She snaps "How 'bout 'I'm gonna do the right thing and 
take Cyanide'?" She says she couldn't find him at the bar. He 
says he doesn't go there anymore - he's sober now. "I just 
wanted to get myself straightened out before..." Olivia, who 
doesn't buy into the same old, tired lines everybody else in 
this movie does, rolls her eyes. Seriously, I *like* her! 
Buddy says he's picked up the phone a hundred times but he 
"wanted to say something romantic." Actually Funny Moment 
#...7? 8? I forgot.

   Olivia: Yeah? Well here I am, so give it your best shot.
   Buddy: What, here? Now?
   Olivia: Here! Now!
   Buddy: Romantic?
   Olivia: Romantic! Let's go!

He gets down on his knees while they both glance around 
nervously as if their reputations will be damaged if people 
were to find out that they bought into all that mushy romance 
stuff, and says "In the deep of night...a star began to 
light...that star I know was you." What song is that from, 
Buddy? Olivia says that's really sweet, now get up this is 
embarrassing.

Break over. We're back with Anna as Charlie finally exits the 
building. Do I really need to tell you what happens as if it's 
not bleeding obvious? They kiss. And it's their first kiss, 
thank you very much. Sheesh. And I'm just going to pretend 
that the movie ends right there and there's no torturously 
long wedding sequence (at "Tavern on the Green", of course, 
and featuring the worst hairstyle I've ever seen on Michael 
and that includes "One Hour Photo") while Etta James sings 
"At Last." 

Now, I realize I've been mostly negative throughout this recap, 
so I'm just going to say that I really don't think it was 
*entirely* bad. It's not like a movie can't be riddled with 
clichés and still be considered a good movie. The actors 
certainly seem to be trying to sell their lines. There doesn't 
seem to be anything wrong with the overall *look* of the 
movie. But when you're working with a script that sounds like 
it was written using a random generator of lines that have 
been in use since "Gone With the Wind" (and quite possibly 
earlier), none of that matters.

So, if you want to see a good romantic movie...well, I would 
recommend "Amélie", "Kate & Leopold" or "Somewhere in Time". 
If you want to see a romantic comedy with all the same clichés, 
but better writing, try "Return to Me". And if you want to see 
a good movie staring Michael Vartan, try the drama section.

~Diandra