"Monster in Law"

Staring: Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda
Featuring: Michael Vartan and Wanda Sykes

Before I start I should tell you about my former neighbor 
Viola McCrazypants. She was convinced that the world in 
general was out to get her, especially my father who she 
firmly believed was responsible for her mailbox being knocked 
down every few months. He tried to point out that he didn't 
own an off-road vehicle capable of making the tire tracks in 
her lawn, but she persisted, accusing him of calling one of 
his (non existent) friends to drive all the way out into the 
suburbs at three in the morning just to knock down her 
mailbox. I can't recall whether he tried to point out that the 
culprit was probably a drunkard coming back from one of the 
bars down the street (a far more likely scenario), but I doubt 
it would have done any good. I mention this because, between 
her, this movie and a villain I remember from a book I read in 
elementary school, I am officially leery of all women named 
Viola.

Panning shot of the Malibu Canyons. Sigh. I miss Malibu 
already. More shots of gorgeous southern California. Great, 
I'm already drooling and Michael isn't even anywhere to be 
seen. We zoom in on a Spanish-looking villa where JLo plops 
herself down at a desk with a big sigh. Yeah, it must be so 
hard being you, Lopez. A phone rings and the answering machine 
picks up immediately so we can discover that her name is 
Charlie and she's a temp. Some guy enters in his bathrobe, 
coffee cup in hand, and says good morning around a mouthful of 
donut. She says yeah, sure, go ahead and help yourself to my 
food and I thought I gave you that key for *emergencies*? He 
says caffeine cravings count as emergencies (good to know) and 
wrangles a crumpled up fashion design drawing from her, 
declaring it so good that "I'd even wear it". Considering it 
was distinctly feminine and drawn on a female model I'm going 
to take this as proof that he's fulfilling the Hollywood 
stereotype wherein all close male friends of female leads are 
flamingly gay. 

After some expository banter, Charlie leaves, hand-kissing a 
picture of a couple on a table surrounded by candles. I'm 
gonna go out on a limb here and say that's a picture of her 
dead parents.

She knocks on an older woman's door and asks if the "boys" are 
ready. Before we can wonder if she's babysitting or perhaps 
dating twin brothers two big dogs come racing around the 
corner, barking excitedly. 

So the next scene has her walking approximately a dozen dogs 
of all sizes along the beach. And they're all walking at the 
same pace and not even attempting to dart after passing 
joggers or tangle their leashes with each other or anything. 
Right. I can't even do that with two dogs of the same size. 
She sits on the beach with them and reads the paper, as if 
that wouldn't invite normal, untrained dogs to run off chasing 
frisbees or diving into the surf, ripping her arm off if 
necessary. Instead, one dog tries to hump another one and she 
swats him with the paper and goes back to reading her 
horoscope out loud. "Romance is in the air today. No one can 
resist your obvious charms [...] stop looking so hard, love is 
right in front of you." The dog who was just being humped 
suddenly jumps up and barks at one of the joggers, who turns 
out to be Michael Vartan. He's shirtless. At least I'm pretty 
sure he is. I was too distracted by the anvils splashing 
loudly in the surf behind him to pay attention. They share a 
significant look and she looks around sheepishly like she's 
afraid somebody may have caught her drooling over the hot guy 
and not paying attention to her dogs. And I call bullshit on 
the barker just laying back down as if nothing happened. My 
dog is well behaved but she would still have been chasing 
after him, trying to bite his ankles. 

Coffee shop, sometime later. Charlie, minus the dogs (here's 
hoping this is much later and she didn't just tie them to a 
mailbox outside), eavesdrops as an incredibly rude customer 
bitches at the server that this is NOT non-fat and "how hard 
is it to make a friggin' cup of coffee?" I think all people 
who treat servers like that should be required by law to take 
a serving job for a couple weeks (preferably during a holiday 
or whenever the place is busiest) and see just how easy it is. 
Anyway, the asshole goes to answer his phone and drops a 
twenty on the floor on his way out. Charlie picks it up and 
sticks it in the tip jar, calling it "karma". So maybe he 
should make a list of all the bad things he's done and try to 
fix them one by one. Charlie is so busy talking to the 
incredibly grateful server that she backs right into Michael 
as he enters the shop. Because there's only one coffee shop in 
that area. Roll eyes here. He says hi. She acts flustered and 
skittish and mutters a hello before scampering out the door. 
For somebody who reads horoscopes and talks about karma, she 
seems pretty clueless about the concept of fate. Or maybe the 
anvil dropping from the ceiling hit her in the head. 

Back at Casa del Charlie, Platonic Gay Friend is reading tarot 
cards. I rest my case. Now we're introduced to Charlie's other 
friend - a dark haired girl, fulfilling the other cliché of 
Flaky Girlfriend. Charlie tells them she saw the same guy 
twice today and that must be a "sign", right? Yes, Charlie. 
There was a big fucking neon sign that said ASK THIS GUY OUT, 
but apparently you didn't see it. PGF asks what he said. 
Charlie says she didn't talk to him. Silence. PGF stares at 
Charlie as if she just whipped off her JLo mask to reveal a 
Martian. Flaky Girlfriend decides now is a good time to 
confront Charlie about her "weird" behavior of late and 
hypothesizes that she is in desperate need of a boyfriend or a 
meaningless roll in the hay, whichever is easier. Charlie 
protests that she's perfectly happy and just waiting for the 
"right guy" and drones about the qualities she's looking for 
in a man and thank god for the eye rolling and "I think she's 
drunk" pantomiming from PGF and FG because it's the only thing 
keeping me from poking out my eardrums right now.

Aaaaand we're at a doctor's office. Charlie is the 
receptionist. She easily handles multiple phone lines, walk-in 
patients and offers to take care of a call for her co-worker 
while she does something else. I'm surprised she's not 
knitting, reading a book on how to program a hard-drive and 
reciting Italian phrases from a walkman playing in her other 
ear. We get it, writers. She's a *really* hard worker. Move 
on. 

And now we're in some sort of art gallery. I think. Charlie 
and PGF arrive in the kitchen to help FG serve food and how 
many jobs does this woman have anyway? Good lord. PGF comments 
on how good it feels to be secure enough about his sexuality 
to wear a girlie printed apron. Gay, gay and gay. Charlie 
walks out, armed with an hors d'oeuvre tray, spots Michael 
across the room and ducks back in, taking PGF with her and 
squawking that that's the guy she was talking about earlier. 
And you're hiding in the kitchen...why? FG says that's funny 
because he's the one the party is for since he just moved back 
from San Francisco. Oh, and did she mention he's a doctor? 
Right. My friend thought this was a hilarious stretch of 
believability. Apparently all the doctors at the clinic she 
goes to look like the bastard child of Santa Clause and the 
Wicked Witch of the West. Anyway. PGF says wow, you're right, 
he is hot. No, really writers, we get it. He's gay.

Charlie walks over and paces back and forth behind the group 
Michael's talking to in the hopes that he'll notice her. Twit. 
Go over and ask if he wants a cheeseball or something. I've 
catered parties before and I've found that people don't mind 
being interrupted from their conversations as long as you're 
holding a tray of food or booze. My point? Tap him on the 
shoulder or shove the tray under their noses if you have to, 
damnit! Instead, she listens as they yammer on about how great 
a doctor he is and gush about how wonderful he is in general 
and I may throw up. Somebody calls him "amazing" and Charlie 
draws attention to herself by muttering "yeah". Brilliant, 
moron. Then, instead of pretending nothing happened and 
offering them hors d'oeuvres, she starts to scamper off with 
her tail between her legs. For such a multi-talented person, 
she's not so quick on her feet. Michael (yes, I will keep 
calling him that until somebody says his name) stops her to 
ask what she's serving. She babbles flusteredly that it's 
shrimp balls which is shrimp in...some sort of ball. The 
blondie of the group...let's call her, oh, Lauren...snits that 
they're not interested and basically makes it clear that 
Charlie is a worthless peon to important people like her. 
Charlie runs off, sadly neglecting the opportunity to chuck 
shrimp at Lauren's head and duck into the crowd before she can 
figure out who threw it. 

Lucky for Charlie, Michael has gotten sick of waiting for her 
to make a move and chases her down, observing that she's a 
caterer and has a lot of dogs. Charlie says oh, that, no, 
she's got, like, six different jobs and one of them is 
dogwalker and sorry about eavesdropping back there. He says 
no, she should have stayed to talk to him. Urk. Charlie says 
his girlfriend seemed pretty offended and he stutters that 
she's not...his girlfriend...uh...he doesn't *have* a 
girlfriend and hasn't for a long time and oh, shut up. Charlie 
stares at him dreamily for a while and then snaps out of it to 
introduce herself. Her full name's Charlotte, by the way and 
his name is Gaylord. No, actually his name is Kevin, but I 
thought I'd pretend for a moment that he was playing a 
character with a more interesting name. Meanwhile, Lauren is 
with her own version of PGF, who points to Charlie and Kevin 
and says "looks like somebody else is mowing your lawn." There 
are so many possible replies I have for that that I'm afraid 
if I try to choose one my head will explode.

Sometime later, Charlie is spying on Kevin sitting on a sofa 
talking to the PGF version 2.0 when Lauren takes the 
opportunity to mess with her, striking up a conversation as if 
they're old friends. Charlie stiffly asks if she can get 
Lauren something. Lauren points at Kevin and, channeling 
female "Alias" fans everywhere, says "one of him on a 
platter". Then she sighs and adds "what a waste." Charlie, 
gullible doof that she is, asks what that means. "Oh, you 
didn't know," Lauren asks "innocently". "Kevin's gay" and the 
man sitting with him is the groom...or the bride, she can 
never remember "which one's the top and which is the bottom." 
She says they're getting married next week in Maui. And 
because I am a slasher at heart, I found it incredibly cruel 
that the writers would tease me with the possibility of 
Michael playing a gay character. Also? He would totally be the 
bride. 

Charlie, clearly not the brightest bulb, says oh, huh..."I 
didn't get that vibe." Maybe that's because he was flirting 
and ogling you like he was picturing you wearing skimpy 
lingerie, holding a hockey stick in one hand and a six pack in 
the other. Lauren says trust me, shoves her mostly empty 
cocktail glass into Charlie's hands and saunters off, her 
pointy tail swishing behind her. Charlie watches as Kevin and 
PGF v. 2.0 laugh and Kevin slings an arm around PGF 2.0's neck 
and leans on his shoulder and damnit, stop teasing me! Charlie 
mutters something I can't make out and chugs the rest of 
Lauren's drink. 

While we're on the subject of intelligence...I played that MSN 
Outsmart game against both Michael and JLo recently. I beat 
Michael by, like, 300 points, although I think I should have 
gotten bonus points for knowing that it was Wild Bill Hicock 
who was shot holding the Dead Man's Hand and not "some guy". 
Then I got my ass handed to me by JLo, so I guess it all 
evened out. Not that Outsmart is an accurate gauge of 
intelligence anyway since my mother couldn't score any better 
than Michael when she played and I know she's smarter than 
both me and Michael combined. Also, thank you, Michael, for 
confirming my suspicions (see "Kitchen Confidential" recap) 
regarding your fear of commitment. 

And while we're going off topic on all things related to 
Michael Vartan, my employer's daughter has taken to whapping 
me in the arm every time I mention him. Of course, that could 
be because I insist on calling him Hottie McSexyPants, but 
still. The first time I said it, we had the following 
conversation:
   Employer's daughter: *whap*
   Me: What? He is!
   Employer's daughter: *whap* *shakes head and rolls eyes*
Then again, she's twelve, so what the hell does she know?

There. Now that I've got all that off my chest, we can move 
on.

Next day. We get a quick clip of Charlie walking the dogs 
before she goes home and collapses on the bed next to PGF. The 
phone rings and the machine picks up immediately like, does 
she ever actually answer the damn thing? She practically jumps 
out of her skin when she hears Kevin's voice but doesn't even 
try to pick up. We see Kevin pacing the hospital hall by the 
phone as he awkwardly babbles that he was thinking uh, that, 
uh, maybe she wanted to walk his dog. Nearby, PGF 2.0 hisses 
"What? No!" Kevin gets a hilarious deer in the headlights 
expression on his face and stutters that uh, no, actually, 
that wouldn't work because he doesn't have a dog. This is 
bringing back memories of my not-so-boyfriend's desperate 
attempts to get my attention. Relax, guys, we're not gonna 
bite your head off. Unless you're a jerk. Or we're a bitch. 
"Erm...maybe you could walk me," he tries. Oh, the mental 
images I could conjure from that suggestion. Ahem. No, I'm not 
picturing Michael in a spiky dog collar and handcuffs, why? 

PGF 2.0 collapses against the nurses desk, slapping his 
forehead in frustration, wondering how he could possibly be 
friends with such a doofus. Charlie frowns at the machine in 
confusion and PGF 2.0 hisses "hang it up!" Kevin babbles that 
he has to go and she should call such and such number and ask 
for Dr. Fields. "Oh man, that was horrible," he mutters after 
he hangs up. Which part? The part where you tried to create a 
reason for her to see you by inventing a non-existent dog or 
the part where you gave her reason to suspect you've been 
sniffing industrial glue lately? "Yeah, I wouldn't hold your 
breath for a call back on that," PGF 2.0 snarks. I think I 
love him. Charlie, meanwhile, just shrugs and falls back on 
the bed next to PGF, who says "so...take out or raid your 
fridge?" Hee.

Next day. I assume. Charlie is walking her dogs on the beach 
when Kevin appears next to her, a cup of coffee in each hand. 
He says she never called him back so he figured he'd bring the 
coffee to her. Okay, A) she's got three leashes in each hand. 
I don't think bringing her coffee is a good idea right now. 2) 
we already established that the likelihood of her calling was 
nil, and D) you never said anything about coffee, numbnut. 
Charlie tries to be nice and says it's sweet and all but... 
uh... "I'm a woman." No, really? Kevin looks confused 
(otherwise known as Michael's default expression) and says uh, 
*yeah*? He starts drinking his coffee for the sole purpose of 
being able to spit it all over the sand when she asks "have 
you ever been with a woman?" Okay, that was totally expected 
and contrived but it made me giggle anyway. 

"Excuse me," he splutters. She asks if he's only ever been 
with men. He says what? Who? I'M NOT GAY AND I DON'T CARE WHAT 
MY OLD COLLEGE ROOMMATE SAYS! Yeah, I made that last part up. 
I can dream, can't I? Actually, he protests that he likes 
"women. Lots of...no, not *lots* of women..." Methinks he doth 
protest too much. He asks why she would think he was gay and 
she neglects to say that a little bird with blonde hair and a 
bitchy attitude told her. Instead, she squeaks "awkward" and 
tries to make a break for it. He blocks her off and offers to 
prove he's not gay by taking her out for pizza and then 
watching the play offs and completely ignoring her. No, I'm 
not making that up. He actually says that. How that works in 
his favor is anyone's guess. "Give me one good reason," she 
challenges. "'cause I'm different," he says. Durr...could you 
be more specific, Casanova? She says 'oh really?' and turns 
her back and asks what color her eyes are. Look out, incoming 
bullshit. "Well, at first glance your eyes are brown," he 
says. "But when the light hits them they change to amber and 
if you look really closely around the iris the color is pure 
honey." I'm not sure what he said after that because I was too 
busy vomiting. 

She turns around, her jaw practically hanging and says "I 
would've settled for 'brown'." No shit. I would've taken it as 
proof that he was gay. I mean, I went on three dates with my 
not-so-boyfriend and I still couldn't tell you for certain the 
color of his eyes. Hell, I don't think my own father knows the 
color of my eyes! That's just not the first thing you notice 
about a person unless they've got really brightly colored eyes 
or some weird eye color like purple or red or one eye is dark 
green and the other is light blue or something. This moment of 
sappiness is mercifully interrupted by one of the dogs biting 
Kevin's leg. Oh, just now? What kind of guard dogs are these 
anyway?

So Charlie takes Kevin to her apartment so they can do 
something about the bite. He looks around at her organized 
chaos and asks if she just moved in. She says yeah...a year 
and a half ago. He says "oh...nice place" sounding totally 
sheepish. He indicates a random pile of clutter and asks what 
it is. Apparently it's flyers and a rolled up floor mat 
because she explains that she's a yoga instructor...and a 
little league coach and a dog walker and a caterer and does 
she ever sleep? Is there a spotlight with a picture of a dog 
on a leash that the villagers can shine into the night sky to 
summon her in case of an emergency? I mean, what?

PGF wanders through, adding that she's a pretty good artist 
too. Yeah, and I bet she makes a mean soufflé. Grumble. We get 
it. She's Wonderwoman. Move on. Charlie emerges with a first 
aid kit. The ensuing small talk reveals that her parents died 
when she was little. Except she brushes off his sympathy with 
an assurance that it was years ago and she's over it. The 
memorial shrine in your front entry would suggest otherwise, 
Charlie. She picks up the hydrogen peroxide and asks if he's 
ready. He says yeah, but this is kind of embarrassing since 
he's the doctor and all and he should be the one OW OW OW! She 
apologizes, wide eyed and he just laughs and says he always 
wanted to do that. She doesn't chuck the bandage at his head 
for scaring her like that, so she's clearly a bigger person 
than I am. Then again, she probably figured out that he was 
kidding since she points out that she wasn't anywhere near the 
wound yet and no one is that big a baby. 

His beeper goes off and she asks if he needs to use her phone. 
Why would a doctor not carry a cell? He says nah, it's just 
his mother and it's her second call of the day so she's just 
getting started. Charlie ignores the big fat neon warning sign 
flashing in the corner and goes back to playing nurse. He asks 
if maybe they can do this again sometime..."without the 
biting". Well, that's not very optimistic about the outcome of 
the date. Ahem. Welcome to my gutter. She says yeah, that'd be 
great and he sighs as his beeper goes off again. You might 
want to check that. Just in case it's the hospital this time 
and they need you in the ER stat because some yahoo stuck in 
traffic on the 405 finally snapped and started a shooting 
rampage. 

Cue Jane Fonda. She bursts through a studio door, her long 
suffering (I'm assuming) assistant Wanda Sykes beside her and 
asks if Kevin has responded to her pages yet. Wanda says no 
and Jane tells her to page him again. Wanda notes that she's 
in a good mood and Jane says that's because the last time the 
network execs came to her dressing room she got her own show 
and a raise. Her mood is quickly deflated when a twenty-
something girl interrupts to ask for an autograph...for her 
grandmother. Jane grinds her teeth and says sure, fine, and 
get me a latté, will you? She disappears into the execs' 
office and the young bimbo continues to gush to Wanda about 
how amazing "Viola" is and she's a legend and blah blah "I 
can't believe they picked me to replace her!" She skips off, 
oblivious to Wanda's wide eyed "oh, shit" face.

Cut to Viola, who looks like she's having a minor freakout as 
the execs try to let her down easy. Blah blah amazing career 
blah blah younger demographic bullshit.

Shortly afterward, somebody knocks on her dressing room door 
to announce that they're ready for her on set, which is pretty 
gutsy considering the screaming and banging emanating from 
behind it. Wanda opens the door and doesn't bat an eye as a 
vase flies through the room behind her and crashes into a 
wall. Nice. She says Viola will be ready. 

Viola watches from behind the cameras as the musical guest of 
the show - a thinly (read: not at all) veiled version of 
Brittany Spears - performs her new single. She flinches as 
FauxBrit gyrates and waggles her scantily clad hips. Wanda - 
fuck it, Ruby - asks if she's okay. She says great. Just 
great. She's done exclusive interviews with the Dhali Lama, 
Henry Kissenger, Mohammed Ali and four sitting presidents "two 
of whom hit on me", has five Emmys and now she's being thrown 
out with yesterday's trash so the execs can try to appeal to 
the shallow audience by hiring a young bimbo. She says she 
plans to finish her contract and "leave the show with my 
dignity intact." Yeah, good luck with that.

So. She sits in the interview chair, opposite FauxBrit, who is 
popping gum, twirling her hair and giggling for no damn 
reason. Oy, the clichés. Yech. After some mindless chit chat, 
Viola asks how old FB is. FB says she'll be seventeen in a 
month. Oy. Viola falters and asks what she does for fun. FB 
says she loves watching really *old* movies like "Grease" and 
"Benji" and "Free Willy" and "Legally Blonde". Viola looks on 
the verge of tears and I don't blame her. I find that 
depressing and I'm only 22. Viola (stupidly) asks if FB has 
ever read a newspaper. The drums of Look Out, She's Gonna 
Blow! start up and Ruby, watching the monitor backstage, 
wonders aloud if Viola has taken a good look at FB. FauxBrit 
says no, she doesn't have much time for that. 

Viola starts breathing heavily and squirming and says so 
basically FB knows nothing about what's going on anywhere in 
the world and yet she's sold over 5 million albums and is 
influencing a whole generation of kids who "won't know how to 
think straight, vote for a president or remember the 
significance of Roe VS Wade." And that's different from the 
present generation...how? Viola, honey, you might want to pick 
up a newspaper yourself once in a while. FauxBrit says "oh, I 
don't support boxing as a sport." Groan. Viola stars at her, 
flames shooting from her eyes and Ruby mutters "y'all better 
get that little girl outta there." Deadly pause. Viola screams 
and lunges at FauxBrit, toppling her chair over. Heh. 

"Several months later", at Inverness Valley Mental Clinic, a 
therapist shows Viola a tape of the interview, saying she 
wants Viola to have one last look at the old her. Before they 
dope her to the gills and send her on her merry way. "Oh, 
thank god I've changed," Viola breathes. Sure she has. Hope 
you're giving her plenty of refills. The psychologist reminds 
her to take it slow and avoid stress. By the way, the 
psychologist is played by the same woman who plays Felicia 
Huber on "Desperate Housewives", so I find it amusing that 
anyone would take psychiatric advice from her. (Yeah, yeah, 
she was trying to catch her sister's killer blah blah. Anyone 
who would readily cut off her own fingers is certifiable in my 
book.) Anyhow. Viola says oh, absolutely, in fact she was 
planing on taking a vacation because she's promised Kevin they 
would go to Africa ever since he was little and now she 
finally has the time to follow through. Yeah, maybe they can 
catch their flight over on the corner of Unrealistic Delusions 
Street and Never Gonna Fucking Happen Way. She assures the 
shrink that she's "completely in control". Let's see how long 
that lasts.

Ruby is waiting for her with a car. Viola loudly coos that she 
missed her good old friend and hugs Ruby, who smiles and says 
"oh good, they still have you medicated." Heh. I love her. 
Viola babbles about how she's got a whole new outlook on life 
and her priorities and she realized that what's important is 
relationships. Like her relationship with her son. I'm 
surprised the violins of impending psychotic breaks aren't 
playing here. Ruby assures her that she got the tickets and 
"the three of you should have a good time." Beat. "Three," 
Viola asks warily. Ruby wisely doesn't look at her as she says 
uh-huh, you Kevin and his new girlfriend. Viola gets twitchy 
and uncomfortable and consoles herself by saying that it can't 
be too serious because she wasn't in the Funny Farm for *that* 
long. 

We go to a house in one of the identical expensive 
neighborhoods along the coast of southern California where 
Kevin and Charlie are busy unpacking boxes. He holds up 
something of hers and asks if he should put it by the door so 
she can "make a quick escape to the apartment you still have 
for some reason." Wow, writers. Way to gloss over the 
questionable chemistry between characters - skip right from 
arranging the first date to moving in together. Nice. Charlie 
reminds him that he agreed to let her keep the lease (it 
probably makes her feel better to know she can still 
technically provide for herself since I doubt she can 
contribute much to the payments on THIS house on her salary). 
He says he would have agreed to anything to get her to move in 
with him. That line would make me gag, but he says it so 
adorably that I'm willing to let it go. Then he kills the mood 
by mentioning that they're having lunch with his mother 
tomorrow. Charlie is justifiably nervous. He promises it'll be 
okay, so clearly he takes after his mother on the oblivious 
and delusional front. They kiss and she scampers off to take a 
shower, with him following close behind her. 

Okay, I have to address this screwy chemistry before I 
explode. The first time I watched this movie I thought Michael 
and JLo had all the chemistry of a wet blanket. On second 
viewing, I've decided that the problem is that JLo is trying 
so hard to fit the shy, nice girl image and Michael is trying 
so hard to not look like a nervous wreck and throw up on JLo 
that their characters' relationship comes across as forced and 
awkward. They're cute, yes, but...awkward.

Tomorrow. Kevin and Charlie are in the car, driving toward 
imminent doom, AKA Mom's house. You would think that this guy 
would have learned to watch the road a little more carefully 
when driving from past experience, but you would be wrong. Oh, 
wait. That hadn't happened yet when this movie came out. My 
bad. This is what happens when I take so bloody long to put 
together a recap. Charlie decides to use this expository 
filler to talk about his dad, Viola's first husband, who died 
when Kevin was two. She probably killed him. Or drove him to 
suicide, one or the other. She married a network exec after 
that, divorced him for another guy who turned out to be gay 
and "threw him out for sleeping with her second husband." 
Charlie asks just how many times she was married. Kevin says 
four but she lived for her career. Which she lost. So now all 
she has is Kevin. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! 

They drive through some massive gates toward a mansion of a 
house and I can no longer watch this scene without thinking 
about the part of the blooper reel where Michael announces 
that every time he goes through those gates he gets an 
erection. Somewhere in the afterlife Sigmund Freud is saying 
"for God's sake, man, get a hold of yourself!" I begin to 
ponder the fact that I have a crush on a man whose dog may 
well be more mature than he is. Then I pause the tape, groan 
and curl into a fetal position as I realize the unintentional 
double entendre I made with my use of the words "get a hold of 
yourself". I think I made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up 
in Michael's gutter. I'll try to find my way out by the end of 
the recap, but I can't promise anything.

Viola watches from a window upstairs as Charlie gets out of 
the car in a salmon dress that looks like a throwback to the 
50s except it has butterflies instead of a poodle. "Playing 
dress-up, are we," she sneers and runs off to change.

Charlie is gawking at Viola's celebrity photos when Ruby 
bustles in to greet Kevin. She pulls him aside with some lame 
excuse about needing to talk to him about a rash. That is the 
weirdest...oh, right, he's a doctor. Almost forgot. They move 
over all of a few feet and Ruby asks in a stage whisper if 
he's insane bringing a woman home to meet his crazy-ass mother 
right after she got out of the loony bin. Kevin brushes it off 
and asks how mommy's doing. Ruby says she's fine, but she had 
to lock up all the booze. Yes, that will be important later.

Out in the courtyard, Kevin tells Charlie that the property is 
four acres and has an indoor and outdoor pool. Charlie 
jokingly asks if there's a helicopter pad. Kevin cracks that 
there's one out back and Charlie actually believes him for a 
moment even though you'd think she would have learned by now 
that half of what he says is bullshit. Viola shows up, dressed 
in some Southern Grandma's Sunday best. I guess she decided to 
fight fire with even more ridiculous fire. She swoops in to 
kiss Kevin, turning her back on Charlie completely and leaving 
a big smear of lipstick on his lips. Oy the Freudian subtext. 
Kevin introduces her to Charlie and she says hello in a fake 
pleasant purr. 

They end up on the porch or verandah or whatever the hell it 
is and the girls drink tea and make nice-nice. Blah blee you 
look so young blah blah oh, nonsense, look at you etc. The 
sound fades and we see them chattering silently, acting like 
old girlfriends, while some jazz music plays. Kevin sits 
across from them with a big dumb smile on his face, clearly 
unaware that he has just stumbled into the Twilight Zone. 
Viola finally notices that Kevin is smiling at them like the 
village idiot and notes that he's being awfully quiet. He's 
busy contemplating his own impending doom, Viola. Or not. He 
says he's just happy they're getting along so well because he 
was really nervous about them meeting each other. They 
innocently ask why on earth he would be nervous and I shout at 
my television in a futile attempt to stop Kevin from going any 
further. Alas, he completely ignores me and blathers about how 
important them getting along is to him because Viola is the 
most amazing woman he knows and he's never met anyone as 
"real" and "fun" as Charlie. From the look on her face it 
appears Viola is suffering from reverse Oedipus complex. 

Kevin finally gets around to the damn point and asks Charlie 
"what are you doing for the rest of your life?" The music dies 
with a sick wail of trumpets as Viola gawks at them in horror. 
Heh. He gets down on one knee and proposes while the romantic 
piano limps along quietly. Charlie splutters and Viola leaps 
in to say that it's "too sudden" and "she's in shock". Charlie 
snaps out of it and asks if Kevin is serious. Well, if he 
isn't he certainly has a sick sense of humor. She says yes and 
they hug and Viola looks shell shocked. "Oh, shit," Ruby 
mutters from the sidelines. Viola lies through her teeth, 
gushing that she's so happy for them. She hugs Charlie and 
then, while still smiling and gushing, grabs her by the hair 
and slams her face repeatedly into the cake sitting on the 
coffee table. Cut back to Viola staring into space and we 
realize that the writers clearly have been watching too much 
"Ally McBeal". Non-daydream Viola gives Charlie a quick hug 
and congratulations, smiling with so much false brightness 
that her face is practically splitting apart. She excuses 
herself and runs upstairs, pawing through her medicine cabinet 
in search of cough syrup, which she checks the alcoholic 
content on before chugging it down. 

Meanwhile, Kevin is reminding us he's a doctor by giving 
Charlie a ring that probably costs more than the house I'm 
currently living in. She asks if she should check on his 
mother. He says nah, she's probably just calling all their 
relatives.

...and we cut to Viola, sitting on the floor with a scarf 
wrapped around her head waving what I hope is incense at her 
face with a feather and calling on the Holy Spirit to surround 
her with light and help her be a better person. Snort. Then 
she snaps and squeals "I could just kill that dog walking 
slut!" Apparently the incense has at least jogged her brain 
because she somehow comes to the conclusion that Charlie is 
pregnant and saunters back downstairs, babbling about how she 
had no idea they were so serious and totally ignoring Kevin, 
who is trying to alert her to the giant cowlick on the back of 
her head. She says marriage isn't the best solution to their 
situation because women have so many options nowadays... 
"adoption, abortion...lesbianism." She wishes. Kevin asks what 
the hell she's talking about. I think if he couldn't figure it 
out at the word "abortion" then whatever crackpot med school 
he went to should seriously consider revoking his medical 
license. Viola says come on, there must be a pressing reason 
for this sudden engagement. Kevin assures her Charlie isn't 
pregnant and Viola grinds her teeth. "Call me old fashioned," 
she flails. "Marriage is a sacred union that should only be 
entered into with the utmost care." 

Excuse me for a moment. 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ahem. Where was I? Ah, yes. Viola was being a hypocritical 
nutburger. Charlie gently points out that Viola was married 
four times and Kevin's "don't taunt the crazy woman" 
expression sends me into a fit of giggles. Viola calmly says 
yes, dear, and that's what makes her an expert. Kevin's pager 
goes off and since Viola is sitting right in front of him it 
must be the hospital this time. He excuses himself and Charlie 
not at all subtly asks if he wants her to go with him. What, 
so he doesn't get lost trying to find the phone? She might as 
well be screaming "PLEASE don't leave me alone with the crazy 
woman!" And apparently Viola has picked up on the fact that 
Charlie is easily manipulated as she uses their time alone to 
try to convince her that the proposal is "too sudden". Charlie 
the Total Sucker goes along with it for a while and then looks 
at the giant rock on her finger and mutters "what am I doing? 
I love Kevin. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. 
Oh, my god, I'm getting married!" Viola makes a face that 
suggests she's seconds away from an aneurysm. "RUBY," she 
shouts. There's a loud crash and Ruby appears, pretending she 
wasn't just eavesdropping outside the door. Viola says they 
need a bottle of champagne to celebrate so she needs the key 
to the liquor cabinet. Ruby pretends she has no idea what 
Viola is talking about and they argue from between gritted 
teeth. Ruby offers to "take this outside" and then shuffles 
off with a grumble, telling Viola to fix her hair because she 
looks "like a damned cockatoo!" 

In the car on the way back home, Charlie asks Kevin if he 
thinks his mother liked her. Was she even there? He says of 
course she did, why? Wow, is he in denial. Charlie says "I 
don't know, because she called me a pregnant lesbian?" Kevin 
is sure his mother meant that as a compliment, like, what the 
hell is he smoking? "Trust me, she loved you," says the most 
delusional man on the planet.

Meanwhile, Viola is ranting to Ruby about her successful 
doctor son marrying a *temp*. Actually, I think she just 
referred to Kevin as a brain surgeon, which...yeah. Remind me 
never to go to that hospital. Viola throws a complete 
screaming hissy fit and Ruby, champagne in hand, mutters that 
they're going to need something stronger. Yeah. I'm thinking 
some Valium with a Prozac chaser.

Later, Viola is sprawled on the couch with a facial ice pack, 
demanding a martini and ranting about how Charlie is obviously 
going to destroy Kevin because she has no career goals and she 
was just waiting for a "rich innocent" to fall in her lap. 
Yeah. Because the odds of a cute rich doctor just falling into 
anyone's lap are so good. Ruby assures Viola that Kevin is 
smarter than that (I wouldn't be so sure, Ruby) and Viola 
raised him well (a miracle in itself) and he's a "good boy". 
Viola says that's the problem because he's a *man* now and 
"the only time they think straight is when they have an 
erection and it's usually pointed right at the crappiest 
woman." I would be applauding but I'm too busy trying to 
figure out if I should find her portrayal of her son as a 
hornball disturbing. "Are you talkin' about her or you," Ruby 
asks, which I hope is a comment on her generalization of men 
based on her four husbands because I don't even want to think 
about the alternative. Yes, I am still trapped in Michael's 
gutter. It's really dark in here so I have no idea how I'm 
going to find my way out.

Ruby says Viola needs a project or another husband or 
something. Viola bolts upright, wheels visibly spinning, and 
says she's right, she *does* need a project and she has one in 
mind: "I am gonna save my son." She tells Ruby she needs as 
much information on Charlie as possible because "everybody's 
got a past." Yeah, but unless Charlie's parents were killed BY 
CHARLIE in a sleepwalking fit I'm not sure what she's hoping 
to find by researching her life story. Oh, and Viola is going 
to plan their engagement party in the hope that Kevin will see 
just how "out of place" Charlie is in his world and dump her. 
"This will end badly," Ruby mutters. Thank you, oh queen of 
bleeding obvious predictions.

We cut right to said engagement party where a casually dressed 
Kevin and Charlie arrive to find people in cocktail dresses 
and three piece suits milling around Viola's estate. "I 
thought she said this was a barbecue," Charlie squawks, 
stuffing the gift bag and wine bottle behind her back. She 
would probably be wiser to turn around, ask Kevin for his keys 
and throw everything back in the car but I guess they're a 
perfect match in the common sense department. They find Viola, 
who looks inexplicably like a recovering cancer patient and 
who admits that she didn't warn them it was a formal party 
because she got some clothes for them to wear herself but 
before they go change she wants to introduce them to a few 
people and make Charlie uncomfortable. She introduces them to 
an African prince who comments - in French - on their lateness 
but is sadly brushed aside before Kevin can say anything to 
him. Viola pulls someone else over and introduces Charlie, 
pointedly mentioning that she's a temp. Charlie finally begs 
Viola to let her change clothes before introducing her to any 
more important people and Ruby hustles her upstairs where 
Charlie is thrilled to find a "vintage" strapless gown.

Downstairs, Lauren arrives and Viola tells her that Kevin is 
up in his old room if she wants to say hello. This makes no 
sense to me as it seems like a maneuver intended to strike out 
at Kevin more than Charlie but whatever. So the next thing we 
see is Kevin coming out of the bathroom (I guess), fiddling 
with his shirt cuffs and finding Lauren lounging on a divan. 
Did I mention he's not wearing pants? Yeah, that's probably a 
key detail here. They exchange a few hostilities and she 
saunters over to purr "you and I had a very strong [something] 
once." He says no, they had very strong drinks once. Hee. But 
this doesn't discourage her from throwing herself at him and 
demanding a kiss. He shrugs her off, protesting that he's 
happily engaged.

Charlie struggles to put on her dress which is, of course, a 
couple sizes too small. It rips. At a loss, she sneaks over 
into Kevin's room and finds Lauren draped all over him, 
chewing on his lips as if they were made of chocolate. To his 
credit, Kevin is struggling to free himself in a way that does 
not require him to punch her lights out. Lauren pries herself 
off him and gives Charlie a totally insincere apology and 
tells her not to worry because she was just giving him a 
congratulatory kiss. I'm no expert, but I'm fairly sure that 
when you kiss somebody to congratulate them on their 
engagement you don't shove your tongue in their mouth. Unless, 
you know, you're *really* good friends. Charlie says why would 
she worry? "He's gay, right?" Then she storms off.

Kevin follows her back to her dressing room and says "that was 
not what it looked like." Yeah, because that's always the 
right thing to say in this kind of scenario. She says she's 
leaving now because after embarrassing herself in front of the 
majority of the world's royalty and catching her fiancé making 
out with his ex girlfriend there's really no hope of this day 
getting any better. By the way her ripped, too tight dress is 
doing a wonderful job of making her look like a cheap hooker. 
More so than JLo normally looks anyway. "I don't belong here," 
she moans miserably. Somewhere, Viola is cackling gleefully. 
Kevin spews some crap about this not being his world anymore 
because she is his world. Or something. I can't be completely 
sure since I had my head in a garbage can and I couldn't quite 
hear him clearly over the sound of my own gagging. He offers 
to take her home and she says sure, just give her a minute to 
get out of this dress. He leaves without even volunteering to 
help and presumably goes back to his room to get undressed 
again. Charlie stupidly doesn't follow him or at least ask him 
to bring her back some scissors and a vat of Crisco. 

We morph to Charlie painting flowers on their kitchen wall. 
Kevin enters and she bubbles that the place is finally 
starting to feel like home and she's planing to paint all the 
walls. He announces it's time for her to take a break and 
hauls her over his shoulder, carrying her out of the room as 
she giggles and makes half-hearted protests about not letting 
the paint dry.

Casa del Loco. Ruby yanks open some curtains so we can see 
that Viola is suffering from a hangover. Ruby asks if she's 
planing to get up. "What for," Viola moans. "I could die and 
nobody would care." I take it the rest of the party didn't go 
well. She clings to Ruby and sobs like the drama queen she is 
and asks if Ruby has anything on Charlie yet. Ruby says she 
has no criminal record, no history of drug use, good grades 
throughout school and "she's had fewer lovers in her entire 
life than you had at closing day of Woodstock." Yeah, yeah, we 
get it. She's perfect. Can we stop with the anvils now? Viola 
tells her to find something, damnit, and Ruby jokes that maybe 
if she had a hair sample she could take it to her little crime 
lab and play CSI. Viola's eyes light up and she says that's 
great, she can get that! Sarcasm is lost on her. Ruby says 
look, there's nothing to find and "I would like to speak to 
that woman who got back from the Loony Bin. Is she around? 
Because *you* are taking me for a spin in the Crazy Mobile." 
This just gives Viola a better idea. "When a woman marries a 
man, she marries his mother too, right?" Lord help her. 
Viola's new plan, therefore, is to drive Charlie so batshit 
crazy that she runs screaming for the hills.

Kevin and Charlie are cuddling on the couch, which...what? I 
assume this is immediately after he did his caveman impression 
in the kitchen since she's still wearing her paint-splattered 
overalls, but...was the bed too far away? And why are they 
still fully dressed? Is this foreplay or something? The phone 
rings and Kevin groans as Charlie picks up. "Charlie and 
Kevin's house," she chirps brightly as Kevin goes back to 
sucking on her neck. "Oh, I forgot you live there," Viola says 
brightly. Charlie bats Kevin's hand away and hisses at him to 
knock it off because she's on the phone with his mother. Now, 
one would think that any normal guy would be immediately 
turned off by this, but apparently Kevin is not a normal guy. 
Viola covers the mouthpiece and hisses "the slut's practically 
fornicating with him" at Ruby. "I don't blame her, that boy's 
a fine piece of ass," Ruby hisses back. Heh. Amazingly, Viola 
doesn't hurl the phone at her. Also amazingly, Kevin is still 
attempting to raise a hickey on Charlie's shoulder. Viola 
brightly asks if Charlie wants to have lunch next week. 
Charlie, understandably shocked, asks "really?", batting 
distractedly at Kevin's hand as it wanders under her overalls. 
Dude? Therapy. 'How's Tuesday?' Charlie giggles that Tuesday 
is fine and look, she's kind of in the middle of something 
right now, so... Viola, practically sobbing in outrage, says 
"yeah, me too" and hangs up so Charlie can go back to banging 
her only child. Ruby announces that she's going to get the 
Vodka. I guess she officially gave up on trying to keep Viola 
sober.

Lunch Date of Ominous Doom. Charlie shows up at what looks 
like the dining hall of a snobby tennis club in a skirt and 
shawl ensemble that I might like if the colors weren't so 
hideous. Viola snobbishly orders a salad with low fat dressing 
and an iced tea. Charlie orders a cheeseburger and soda. Sure. 
I suppose she has a really high metabolism. Viola asks if 
she's not worried about being able to fit into her wedding 
dress. Charlie wisely says she's making the dress fit *her*, 
not the other way around. Viola says she wishes she had been 
so confident when she got married (I assume she means the 
first time), but Charlie is going to have one thing that she 
didn't: a wonderful wedding at the cathedral down the street. 
Here we go. Charlie says she's more "spiritual" than religious 
so they were thinking of having a non-denominational ceremony. 
Viola says okay then, they'll have it at her place. She starts 
babbling about how she'll plan the whole thing; the band, the 
caterer... Then she reaches over to "fix" Charlie's hair 
and yanks out a strand, stuffing it into a handkerchief in her 
purse. 

The waiter arrives with their salads and Charlie asks if she 
can get one without nuts because she's allergic. Viola visibly 
files this information away for later use. Then she hands 
Charlie a frilly pink wedding planner and a "present" from her 
"new momma". It's a giant rosary. She says Charlie can wear it 
on her wedding day...just like she did. "Of course, I was a 
virgin," she adds. Liar. Then she pulls out all the stops and 
starts babbling about a horse drawn carriage and doves with 
ribbons and bridesmaids (who she has already talked to) and 
for their honeymoon they should really go to St. Barthas and 
blah blah. Charlie finally reins her in and says thank you but 
no. Absolutely not. Viola makes a dramatic show of feeling 
sick and searching her purse for her pills and then just falls 
out of her chair dramatically.

So the next thing we see is Charlie pacing a hospital hallway. 
Kevin appears and says Viola had an anxiety attack, which she 
apparently confused with a heart attack but she'll be fine as 
long as she avoids stress. Oh, speaking of which, "she said 
you were yelling at her...refused her gift and said she 
couldn't plan our wedding." Charlie says um...technically she 
wasn't *yelling* but Viola kept pushing and what was she 
supposed to do? Kevin leaps to his mother's defense, claiming 
she's been having a hard time lately so she's "a little 
difficult." Charlie points out that this is like saying 
Antarctica is a little cold. Kevin says come on, she's all 
alone and they're all she has anymore and yes, my mother has 
said the same thing about me but she would never try to 
actively scare away my boyfriend for trying to take me away 
from her you naïve man. My mother may be eccentric, but she's 
not crazy. If she didn't like a boyfriend I brought home it 
would probably be because he's a jerk since the majority of my 
family has a habit of making poor relationship choices. Except 
for my one uncle whose wife his mother hates even though she 
may be the most sane member of my family. [Diandra prints out 
the last page of recap and sticks it in a folder labeled 
"future therapy material"]

A man in a lab coat approaches, claiming to be the resident 
psychiatrist, and says he's a bit concerned that Viola may be 
on the verge of a "psychotic break". I think we're long past 
that, actually. He says he'll need to see her twice a week and 
he's prescribing some anti-anxiety pills and does she live 
alone? Because he thinks it would be a good idea if she had 
relatives caring for her until they're sure she's out of the 
woods. Kevin just says okay, thanks, like, what kind of doctor 
is he anyway? You would think a brain surgeon would know 
something about neurological disorders. Worst. Doctor. Ever. 
Charlie promises she'll take care of Mommy Dearest because 
she's sweet to the point of masochistic. Kevin drags her into 
Mommy's room where she grudgingly apologizes and Viola plays 
ill and depressed and says no she was being too pushy. Kevin 
looks pointedly at Charlie. "No," she blurts belatedly. "I 
would love it if you'd help me with the wedding." That had to 
be painful. Kevin tells her she's going to live with them 
until she's feeling better and she perks up like, "are you 
sure?" No, but that's beside the point. Viola says oh, no, she 
couldn't possibly and starts hyperventilating and grabbing for 
the oxygen mask. "Not without knowing Charlotte's forgiven 
me," she says, slapping the mask on her face. Kevin looks at 
Charlie pointedly again. Shut up, Captain Clueless. Charlie 
says of course I forgive you. You know, at least until such 
time as you force me to kill you.

So Charlie is directing movers bringing Viola's stuff into 
their house. Ruby enters and Charlie asks if she's moving in 
too. Ruby says "nah, I don't like the neighborhood. Do you 
have any firearms in the house?" No, Charlie says, confused. 
"You might want to get one." HA!

Sometime later Kevin is packing to go...somewhere and asks if 
Charlie is going to be okay alone with his mother. I'm going 
to go with NO here, Kevin. As a general rule, if your mother 
is around, Charlie needs you to act as a buffer. But Charlie 
says sure, it's only for one night and those pills the doctor 
gave her will make her sleep most of the time, right? Right? 
He just shakes his head and says "look, I know my mom can be a 
little *challenging*..." Honey, The Great Depression was 
"challenging". Your mom is a nightmare on wheels. He says if 
she has any problems she can call him and he'll be on the 
first flight back. "Hey, who knows? Maybe when I get back you 
two will be best friends." Only if the plane hits a 
particularly nasty air pocket and shoots you into an alternate 
universe where people survive horrific plane crashes only to 
end up on deserted islands full of smoke monsters and polar 
bears and the remnants of some crazed psychology/science 
experiment gone wrong. Ahem. I mean, yeah, sure. Whatever.

Viola bursts in and starts yammering about caterers and color 
plates and blah blah blah. The phone rings and Kevin answers 
and tells whoever it is he'll be right down. Viola shows 
Charlie the china pattern she picked, Charlie says it's 
beautiful and they hug. Kevin announces that his ride is here 
and awkwardly gives them both a goodbye kiss as Viola won't 
release her stranglehold on Charlie. Charlie watches him leave 
with the expression of a child being separated from its 
mother.

Later that night...or early the next morning, Charlie is 
awoken by Viola's loud fake-crying. And because she's a 
gullible wuss with a bleeding heart she goes to check on Viola 
instead of just stuffing some earplugs in her ears and going 
back to sleep. Viola sobs that she can't sleep and she feels 
so alone and WAHHHHH! Charlie asks if she took her pills. 
Viola says oh, no, I forgot. Can you get them for me? She 
shoots a "yes, it's working!" look at the camera when Charlie 
turns her back. Charlie brings her the pills and Viola asks if 
she can have some water, which you would think Charlie would 
have thought of before but whatever. Viola adds that she can't 
drink from the tap so she needs Charlie to get some Evian in a 
glass with ice. Charlie walks into the kitchen, grabs the 
already prepared glass from the prop guy and returns in two 
seconds flat. Seriously. It's bleeding obvious she didn't have 
time to get a glass, pour the water and fish ice cubes from 
the refrigerator in the amount of time she was gone. Yes, this 
is driving me nuts and yes, I will shut up about it now. 
Charlie goes to escape but Viola stops her by meekly asking if 
"Charlotte" would spend the night with her. Charlie grudgingly 
agrees and makes a mental note to try to talk Kevin into re-
admitting his mother to the Loony Bin when he gets back.

So in the next scene Charlie is laying in Viola's bed, staring 
at the ceiling when Viola fakes a nightmare and screams and 
thrashes and whaps Charlie in the chest a couple of times with 
her arms. Then she snuggles up to Charlie, pinning her down 
while Charlie plays dead and watches her warily from the 
corner of her eye. Heh.

The next day Charlie is, of course, fighting to stay awake. 
Luckily she's only walking two or three dogs down the beach. 
Or maybe she lost the other five somewhere after she fell 
asleep and took a header into the sand. She comes home to find 
Viola bustling around the kitchen, pots and pans strewn 
everywhere. Viola proudly declares that she wanted to make 
Charlie dinner and plops some "steak and kidney pie" on her 
plate. Charlie takes a bite and Viola admits that the steak 
didn't defrost in time so it's mostly kidney. And from the 
look on Charlie's face it was marinated in a lemon-soaked gym 
sock. 

She spits it in her napkin when Viola turns her back, babbling 
about calling a lawyer and redoing her will to include her new 
"daughter". Charlie says that's not necessary and Viola says 
oh, nonsense. Oh, but they have all these questions they need 
to ask like is Charlie an illegal alien and does her family 
have a history of hereditary illness and how many men has she 
been sexually active with. Viola, if the previous scenes are 
any indication, I'm not even sure *Kevin* makes that list. 
Let's assume little miss perfect has only slightly more sexual 
experience than a nun. Charlie asks why the hell they would 
need to know something like that and Viola winks and says 
"that many, huh?" Is Charlie willing to sign a prenup? Charlie 
sputters. Viola says I know! Those nosy bastards, it's none of 
their business! Why don't we just deal with this later? 
Charlie says no, why don't we deal with it right. Now. She 
grabs a pot and clubs Viola in the head with a loud clang, 
smiling as Mommie Dearest collapses to the floor and groans in 
pain. Alas, the writers are only trying to rip of "Ally 
McBeal" again. In reality, Charlie offers to clean up the 
dishes and Viola announces that she'll go to bed because she 
didn't really sleep well last night (ha) and she's pretty 
tired.

Close up of a television rapidly flipping channels. Charlie is 
holding the remote and she stops when she finds a B-rate 
horror film and cuddles on the couch, watching raptly as an 
out of focus Viola sneaks up behind her. She jumps in front of 
Charlie, wearing what looks like an Indian headdress and long, 
fake "nails" from the Edward Scissorhands collection. 
Obligatory screams follow. Viola babbles that the robe was a 
gift from Chairman Mao and the hat and nails were from the 
Dhali Lamma. Then she plops next to Charlie and proceeds to 
act like the annoying moviegoer everyone wishes would choke on 
their popcorn. "Why is she running?" "Someone's chasing her." 
"Why is he chasing her?" "I'm not sure." "Well, who is he?" "I 
don't know, we have to watch." "Mmm...don't you hate what she 
wearing?" Yech. She goes on and on about fashion, demographics 
and network television in a time-morph montage while Charlie 
looks increasingly annoyed, bored and tired.

Charlie finally falls asleep on the couch, only to be woken 
bright and early when Viola blares an air horn. "I'm sorry," 
Viola apologizes fakely. "I thought it was air freshener!" 
Then she cackles like the wicked witch of the west. So Charlie 
ends up falling asleep at work again, this time at the 
doctor's office.

Night. Kevin calls Charlie from a hotel somewhere. He's 
lounging in bed, surrounded by pillows that look so 
comfortable I think I would long to be there even if he 
wasn't. Charlie is in a bubble bath, which...hey, all hands on 
deck! Captain Delusional is still under the impression that 
his mother is only a "little eccentric" (just like the Pacific 
Ocean is only a "little wet"). Charlie says she doesn't want 
to talk about his mother and she misses him and by the way she 
is currently taking a bath so she is naked and wet and did she 
mention she's naked? This gets his attention as he is *male* 
and he sits upright, all smiles like "really?" and asks if she 
knows what he'd do to her if he was there. Judging by what 
we've seen previously I'm going to say "not much". Charlie 
playfully says "no, what?" "Well, for starters..." 
Unfortunately, we don't get to hear the rest of that sentence 
because Mommie Dearest bursts in the room at that moment, 
announcing that she's returning Charlie's shampoo and oh, is 
that Kevin? She snatches the phone and chirps "Sweetie! Hi!" 
Apparently, thinking about his mother only turns him off when 
he's actually able to hear her voice because it seems to work 
this time. She babbles about how much she's loved spending 
time with Charlie and she's not looking forward to going home 
and she just loves this neighborhood and she's thinking of 
buying the house a couple doors down since it's for sale and 
all. Charlie's eyes widen in horror.

"Bullshit," she spits later to FG. "She doesn't even like this 
neighborhood! She's driving me insane!" FG tells her to stop 
being a baby; Kevin is the best thing that every happened to 
her so she cannot give up on him just because his mother is a 
certifiable wackadoodle. PGF appears, dressed in Viola's 
clothing and announces that he was in V's room, "minding [his] 
own business" when he found this folder with a whole bunch of 
PI type information she's been collecting on Charlie. Charlie 
gawks in horror as they sift through her GED and a bunch of 
candid photos of her.

So, of course, they go pawing through her room and PGF finds 
the anxiety meds. He opens the jar, babbling about this stuff 
being strong enough to knock out a horse and then sniffs the 
jar and looks baffled. He says he doesn't know what these are 
but they are not the same stuff he takes and they smell like 
oranges. Charlie looks thoughtful. And pissed. 

Day. Charlie follows Viola as Ruby takes her to see "Dr. 
Chamberlain". Note to Charlie: a pair of sunglasses do not an 
impenetrable disguise make. She follows them to the mall and 
then to a café, where she is surprised to recognize the waiter 
as "Dr. Chamberlain". She gets a call from the clinic at that 
moment and is told that the "anxiety meds" that she called to 
ask about are actually just "chewable vitamin C" tabs. The 
fact that Viola was able to slip this past her DOCTOR son is a 
tribute to his stupidity, really. Seriously, brain surgeon? 
Shudder.

Charlie goes home and futzes with some pill bottles and waits 
for Viola to get back. Ruby drops Viola in front of the house 
with a reminder to "look crazy" like that'll be a challenge. 
She saunters in and is greeted by a growling Doberman. She 
squeals and yells for Charlie who rushes – spaghetti sauce 
covered spoon in hand - to assure her it's just one of her 
charges and she had to bring him home with her and he's 
harmless, really! She yells "no" and "sit" and gestures 
wildly, "accidentally" splattering red sauce all over Viola's 
spanking white suit. The dog sees this and promptly sits. Heh. 
"Is that expensive," Charlie asks apologetically. Viola says 
it was and stomps off while Charlie fake-sweets a "sorry!"

Viola arrives in her room to find the rest of Charlie's dogs 
tearing apart pillows, clothes, suitcases, etc. There's 
feathers everywhere. One of the dogs is happily lapping up her 
ultra expensive facial cream. Downstairs, Charlie hears Viola 
scream and silently laughs with glee, skipping into the 
kitchen with the dog trailing behind her. Heh. Again.

Sometime later Viola is reacquainting herself with her old 
friend Mr. Martini when Charlie appears and yelps that she 
can't mix her pills with alcohol. Viola says she's a bit 
*upset*, okay? Charlie takes the drink away and says she'll go 
get the pills and shoots an evil look over her shoulder as she 
does so which you would think would be a huge tip off to 
Viola, but apparently not. Then Charlie chirps that she hopes 
Viola likes what she made for dinner because it's her mother's 
specialty. She plops down a plate of tripe in front of Viola 
and urges her to try it. Unfortunately, Viola is too busy 
trying to figure out why her vitamin C tablets are making the 
room look fuzzy. Charlie chatters about Kevin coming home 
tomorrow and she's so excited because she misses him so much 
and she was thinking they should all go to lunch together and 
what does Viola think? Apparently, Viola thinks 
"Frrrrnnnnssshhh..." SPLAT. "Yeah, I think it's a great idea 
too," Charlie bubbles as Viola snores into her plate of tripe. 
"Don't you just love being girlfriends," she adds before 
swaggering off with a victorious gesture to enjoy her first 
full night's sleep since Kevin left for whereverthefuck.

Morning. Ruby enters the kitchen to find Viola still sleeping 
on her pillow of animal intestines and snarks "and good 
morning to you too!" Charlie enters shortly thereafter and 
asks if she's all right. Ruby says she's not sure. "I haven't 
seen her like this since The View won an Emmy!" Charlie says 
she'd love to stay, but she has to go get Kevin at the airport 
and why are you staring at me like you know exactly what 
happened here? "I underestimated you," Ruby says proudly. "You 
don't need a gun." Snort. Charlie brushes it off with feigned 
ignorance and skips off. Ruby leans over Viola and shouts 
"last call!" Viola jerks awake, tripe dripping off her face.

So. Viola goes to meet Charlie and Kevin at lunch later, 
wearing dark sunglasses and generally looking hung over. We 
establish that neither Kevin nor Viola knew they would *all* 
be there, which I really don't see a reason for. Is Charlie 
trying to prove to Kevin how out of place he is in his own 
family now in the hopes that he'll ditch his mother? I mean...
what? Kevin asks how Mommie Dearest is doing. Viola says she 
had a rough night and Charlie brightly says it must have been 
the martini she had. Kevin looks alarmed and scolds his mother 
for mixing her pills with alcohol. Charlie then babbles about 
how sorry she is that they got off on the wrong foot and blah 
blah and "you're gonna be my mom soon" so she's willing to do 
whatever it takes to make their relationship work. With that 
in mind, she would like Viola to be her maid of honor. Okay, 
that's just stupid. I know, I know, keep your enemies closer 
and shit but why the hell would she want to openly invite 
trouble like that? Then Charlie hands her a peach bridesmaid 
dress that we can probably assume is hideous. 

Viola flails and says she should probably call her doctor 
first and Charlie says oh, she did that already and "he 
thought it was a great idea!" Long pause. Viola takes off her 
glasses and squints at Charlie. "You called my psychiatrist?" 
"Mmm-hmm," Charlie smirks. "In fact, we had lunch. At the 
*Ivy*." The jig? She is up. And it is yet another testament to 
Kevin's intelligence (or lack thereof) that he remains 
clueless throughout this entire thinly-veiled conversation. 
Viola glares and squirms as Charlie blathers on about family 
and the future. Viola bursts into loud, fake tears and Kevin 
hands her a handkerchief. This prompts Charlie to start her 
own round of fake crying. Poor Kevin looks baffled and 
uncomfortable and takes the handkerchief from his mother to 
give to Charlie (BAD FORM, MORON!) and tries in vain to 
reassure the two crazy women who are both clinging to his 
hands and declaring their love for him weepily. Charlie 
suggests he give them a moment alone and he gratefully runs 
off like the table has suddenly caught fire. Heh.

Both women instantly drop the act. "Just so you know, the 
crying bits are getting old," Charlie sneers. "Just so *you* 
know, Kevin likes his girls *thin*," Viola hisses back. Low 
blow, dude. "Well," Charlie fires back. "I can always get 
liposuction. I've been meaning to ask: is it painful?" Viola 
chuckles nastily and says the maid of honor thing was 
"priceless". Charlie says yeah? Well, keep your enemies closer 
blah bullshit. Now listen up: "This is my game now. You are 
going to tell Kevin that you are *not* moving into our 
neighborhood and that you've decided that you're feeling that 
it's time that you go on with your own life" and don't let the 
door hit you in the ass on your way out! "This. Is. Over." 
Viola laughs and they stand up and get in each other's faces 
as Viola sneers that no, it isn't and Charlie growls "bring it 
on, grandma." And then for some reason the part where Kevin 
comes back and they pretend to be hugging and crying all over 
each other (which was in ALL the previews) was cut out of this 
scene, the result being that this scene seems to end rather 
abruptly.

"Little bitch," Viola spits to Ruby later as Ruby loads 
Viola's luggage into the car. Ruby grumbles and acts hostile 
and Viola innocently asks what her problem is. Ruby says she's 
sick of this shit. "When I'm not sick, I am tired. I'm sick 
and tired." Is Bill Cosby writing her lines or what? Viola, 
deeply in denial, asks "what are you saying?" Yeah, because 
Ruby is so good at being subtle. They get in the car and 
Charlie runs up to shove the bridesmaids dress Viola "forgot" 
into her lap and they drive off. Charlie waves prettily and 
acts shocked when the dress comes flying out the window. 

And now I think we're in Kevin and Charlie's house sometime 
later. Somebody's having a party at any rate. Ruby asks 
Charlie's flaky girlfriend how Charlie's doing. FG says 
"mediocre" under the circumstances but "she's tough". Ruby 
says not as tough as the "old bird". PGF asks what that means 
and Ruby says for their safety they should "know where the 
emergency exits are at all times". I have no idea what any of 
that conversation had to do with anything, but it was worth 
mentioning if for no other reason than Wanda's hilarious 
delivery, complete with airline attendant hand gestures.

Meanwhile, Charlie is reassuring Kevin that everything is fine 
between her and his mother and she has everything under 
control. Pan around the corner to Mommy Dearest chugging a 
martini. Viola gets everybody's attention and welcomes them to 
the rehearsal dinner. PGF leans over to FG and comments on how 
"amazing" Viola looks even though she bears a slight 
resemblance to the Bride of Frankenstein. Viola saunters over 
and promises to tell all her rich friends about FG's catering 
service and PGF gushes over her. Charlie storms over the 
second Viola leaves and starts acting passive aggressive with 
her (possibly former) friends for making friends with the 
enemy or something. I don't know. Can we move on to a scene 
that doesn't bore me?

Dinner table. Viola is telling a story about talking to Snoop 
Dog and a sultan and she told Snoop that she thought some of 
his lyrics were offensive to women (like, what rap songs 
*aren't*?) and the sultan said "really? I have 114 wives and 
they're all huge fans of The Dog." Oy. Charlie seethes 
quietly. The doorbell rings and she asks Kevin to go see who 
it is. He runs off like a well trained puppy. He comes back 
with "Dr. Chamberlain" in tow, much to Viola's horror. Charlie 
announces brightly that they'll need another place setting and 
Fake Dr. Chamberlain says he'll get it and goes to get the 
plates, coming back with them balanced on his arm and plopping 
them down with the ease of a long time server. Heh. The 
doorbell rings again and Ruby goes to get it. She comes back 
with Lauren, which doesn't make any sense whatsoever as a 
battle tactic for Viola since it's more likely to upset 
*Kevin* than Charlie. Again. Kevin looks horrified (or maybe 
confused) and Ruby gestures at him like "dude? Wasn't me. Talk 
to your crazy ass mother." "Chamberlain" jumps up and offers 
to get the wine and Lauren leans over to ask PGF 2.0 how long 
they have to stay because she has something (or maybe someone) 
to do tomorrow. Kevin starts to get up but Charlie shoves him 
back down and asks Chamberlain to tell them about med school. 
He says oh, that's a boring story and nobody would be 
interested in hearing that...Viola loudly declares that they 
need more gravy and darts into the kitchen. 

Ruby follows Viola and watches as she frantically crushes some 
almonds in a bowl. Ruby tries to stop her from putting them in 
the gravy, reminding her that Charlie is allergic to nuts. 
Duh, I think that's the point, Ruby. They wrestle and Viola 
knees Ruby in the groin and dumps the nuts into the gravy 
while Ruby hits the floor with a grunt. Outside, everybody 
stares in the direction of the kitchen, wondering what the 
hell is going on in there. Ruby tells Viola she's crazy (No, 
really?) and Viola slams a drawer on her hand. Well, that was 
mature. Ruby groans loudly and everyone outside looks 
confused. Or maybe it just looks that way because the camera 
keeps focusing on Michael and JLo. "Put the gravy down or I'm 
telling Kevin," Ruby hisses. Why in the name of all that is 
holy did she not think to try this threat before? Viola asks 
what the big deal is, Charlie's face'll just swell up a 
little. Uh, she could also die depending on the severity of 
the allergy and how much she ingests. Your son is a doctor, 
lady. You'd think you would know better. Pause. Wait. Maybe 
not. Never mind. Ruby says her face'll "blow up like a Macy's 
Day balloon". Viola sneers and coos that it'll match her other 
body parts then. Ouch. Meanwhile, Chamberlain shows up in the 
background and snatches the forgotten gravy boat of death and 
nobody notices. 

Ruby finally gets Viola to agree to back off and they turn, 
naturally, to find the boat missing and hear Chamberlain in 
the next room ask if anyone wants any more gravy. Ruby flips 
and makes a run for the door. Viola tells her not to panic. 
"If we get arrested, I'm gonna sing like a canary," Ruby vows. 
Oh, Ruby, don't be silly. If you get arrested you're going to 
totally make Viola your bitch. Viola says maybe Charlie won't 
eat it. Cue Charlie loudly commenting on the gravy. Then she 
starts choking and complaining that her tongue feels weird and 
V'n'R scramble to hide the evidence. Someone says get her some 
water and Chamberlain runs to the kitchen, stopping in the 
doorway as Viola slams a drawer shut and she and Ruby try to 
act natural despite their cheeks being puffed out like 
chipmunks, and he asks "flat or sparkling?" Pffffttt.

Later, Kevin tells Charlie that the caterer has no idea what 
happened and Michael tries not to laugh as JLo, in full puffy 
mouth makeup, whines that eben her tongue ith thwollen. Kevin 
lies that it's not that bad and the swelling is going down. 
This is PGF 2.0's cue to enter the room, reel back in horror 
and squeak "for the love of GOD!" Oh, yeah, he's all sorts of 
useful. Kevin glares and tells him to beat it and assures 
Charlie it'll be completely gone in 24 hours. She lets out a 
high pitch whine and slaps a washcloth over her face.

Morning. A non-puffy Charlie wakes up to find a flower on 
Kevin's pillow, along with a note that says "I can't wait to 
marry you." Remember what I said about Michael's characters 
having a tendency to be a little too perfect? Yeah. Lather, 
rinse and repeat. She darts over to the mirror and sighs in 
relief to discover that her face is once again beautiful and 
she can stop worrying about the villagers coming after her 
with torches. PGF arrives with breakfast as she ponders aloud 
how the nuts got into the gravy. I'm sure if she thought about 
it long enough she'd figure it out. Then again, maybe she and 
Kevin really are meant for each other in that she's stupid 
enough to not suspect that Viola would stoop that low in an 
effort to sabotage their marriage. "Hey, do you think... 
she'd..." PGF broaches. Long pause. "Nah," they both laugh. 
Charlie assures him that Viola's crazy but she's not a 
psychotic killer. Are we sure? I mean, does anybody really 
know how that first husband died? Hello? Why is nobody looking 
into this? Then PGF asks if he can bring a date to the 
wedding. Charlie gleefully says yes and he tries to make a run 
for it before she asks any questions, getting no further than 
two feet. "Don't be mad," he says. "It's Dr. Chamberlain." 
Charlie asks if that's his real name and PGF says ha-ha, now 
if you'll excuse me I'm due for a manicure, pedicure and 
eyebrow wax. No I am not avoiding the question, why?

Elsewhere, Ruby walks in on Viola in her hideous, poufy peach 
bridesmaid gown, complete with a giant sun hat. She laughs 
hysterically and cracks "where's your prom date, seniorita?" 
Bwah! Love her!

Wedding. Kevin greets people and pats a small child on the 
head with the look of a person who really wants kids but is 
afraid he may never have any if he doesn't get over his fear 
of commitment sometime in the near future. Or maybe I'm 
reading too much into it. An elderly woman with a permanent 
scowl gets out of a car and bitches at the poor man who dared 
try to help a little old lady get out of a car because she can 
do it her own damn self thank you very much. Joy. She demands 
to know where "she" is. Uh-oh. PGF 2.0 tries to hit on a girl 
who turns out to be a minor. It's not really funny.

PGF saunters into Charlie's room where a bunch of squealing 
girls are surrounding Charlie, who is wearing what is actually 
a really pretty wedding dress. I mean, it's amazingly 
conservative, it doesn't have any big poufs of lace or 
plunging necklines and it doesn't require toupee tape to hold 
it up. It's actually kind of...shocking. FG assures her that 
the priest agreed to skip over the "if anyone should object" 
part. Heh. Speak of the devil, Viola breezes in, wearing a 
much nicer dress than she was earlier aside from the gigantic 
feather boa. Unfortunately, it's white. Charlie looks pissed 
and PGF ushers everybody out of the room before she blows her 
top. Can I just say that I think the whole nobody but the 
bride can wear white thing is totally stupid? Who cares what 
color people wear? In this case, Charlie should be grateful 
the woman is not wearing a black dress and a hat with a 
mourner's veil! I hate mindless traditions. You don't see the 
groomsmen scrambling to make sure nobody is wearing the same 
black suit as the groom. If I ever get married I'm going to 
wear black or red or neon rainbow colors or something. And my 
bridesmaids can pick their own dresses. Knowing my friends, 
I'm sure some of them would prefer to wear pantsuits. 

Charlie demands to know where Viola's peach dress is. Viola 
says she gave it to Ruby's daughter. "She works at Hooters. 
She was thrilled!" Oooo...ouch. Charlie snarls that Viola is 
going to take off that dress or Charlie will take it off for 
her. I'm sure several baby boomer men just perked up. And by 
that I don't mean...never mind. Oh, look, I finally found a 
way out of this gutter! Viola snaps at Charlie to not tell her 
what to do. I think I've officially lost it since I just 
typoed "tell her who to od" and it made me giggle. They jab 
each other in the shoulder and push each other and then 
Charlie slaps Viola. Wooo! Catfight! Except that Charlie looks 
horrified and starts to apologize. Viola slaps her and barks 
"you don't slap someone and apologize! Get some backbone!" 
Snort. They slap each other a few more times and Charlie 
finally calls it quits and tells Viola she might as well face 
the fact that Charlie is marrying her son and she can't do 
anything to stop it. Oh, don't challenge her. Viola says 
"*you* face it. You will never be good enough for him!" Our 
Lady of the Eternal Scowl of Bitchiness enters and snits that 
that didn't stop Viola from marrying *her* son. Which one was 
that? They then have the following conversation...

OLotESoB: Oh, look, a white dress. How predictable.
Viola: Oh, hello, bitch. How was traffic? I assume you flew in 
on your broom as usual. I didn't even expect you to show up. 
OLotESoB: Really? Well, I guess that's understandable seeing 
as you DIDN'T SEND ME AN INVITATION YOU TRAMP!
Viola: That's because I thought you were dead, but I guess the 
wooden stake must have missed your heart, which is perfectly 
understandable, seeing as it's so small and shriveled. 
OLotESoB: Hey, congratulations on getting thrown into the 
loony bin. How did you escape?

I'm not transcribing exactly, but that's the general gist. 
OLotESoB spits an hors d'ouvres into a napkin and declares it 
terrible. Classy gal, she is. Then she does an about face and 
turns all kind and grandmotherly on Charlie, gushing that she 
looks beautiful and Kevin is so lucky to have her and "would 
that my son had been that lucky." "Oh, here we go again," 
Viola mutters. "What," OLotESoB snits. "You were the weather 
girl in Dubuque, Montana. You drove around in a broken down 
minivan and you drank red wine from a box!" Charlie goggles. 
"You killed him, you know," OLotESoB continues. "All the 
doctors agreed. My son died of terminal disappointment." Viola 
sneers that if anyone killed him, OLotESoB did. She smothered 
him to death. Oh, like you're trying to do to your son now, 
Viola? "Nobody was ever good enough for him," she complains. 
So what was it you were saying when OLotESoB so rudely 
interrupted you? Pot? You're black. Sincerely, Kettle. Pause. 
"My god, you look old," OLotESoB sneers. Viola looks at Ruby, 
who has appeared in the doorway (and who hilariously makes 
eyelift gestures and assures Viola that she looks "fine!") and 
stage whispers "this woman is gonna drive me crazy!" OLotESoB 
says nah, she can't take all the credit for that, snatches the 
feather boa from the bed and stalks off. 

Charlie looks dazed and not unlike she has just seen her life 
flash before her eyes and man is it UGLY. She drops into a 
chair dejectedly and says "this is never gonna end, is it? I 
mean, that's gonna be me and you in thirty years." Nah, 
Charlie, I'm sure you'd never last that long! The weepy piano 
of sentimental monologues plays and she babbles about how she 
and Kevin make each other happy but obviously Viola is 
determined to keep them from marrying each other so fine. "You 
win, Viola." She rips off her white gloves, declares the 
wedding off and storms out. Ruby startles as the door opens 
and pretends she wasn't just listening in through her scotch 
glass. "I can't believe she compared me to Gertrude," Viola 
flails. Ruby says yeah, that was just wrong..."you are *far* 
worse." Heh. That woman has excellent comic timing. Ruby 
points out that Gertrude never tried to poison her and she 
wore *black* to her wedding, claiming she was in mourning. 
Man, did I call that one or what? Viola whines that she just 
wants her son to be happy. Honey, have you taken a good look 
at him lately? What do you think that big dumb smile 
permanently plastered to his face is a sign of? Deep denial? 
Gas? Ruby says as much, in fewer words.

Proving that the apple of intelligence doesn't fall far from 
the demented tree, Charlie stumbles into Kevin's room and he 
babbles about it being bad luck for the groom to see the bride 
before the wedding and takes roughly ten minutes to notice the 
"two seconds from a crying breakdown" look on his fiancee's 
face. He takes this as a sign that she is nervous. Because he 
is a dipstick. I'm now thinking that the shady "college" that 
gave him a license to cut open people's skulls shut down soon 
thereafter. Viola bursts in only seconds behind Charlie 
despite the rather long delay she had in leaving Charlie's 
dressing room because the continuity person on this movie is 
obviously out to lunch again. Viola interrupts before Charlie 
can say anything, blurting that she needs to talk to Charlie 
because "the flower girls are drunk again." Oh, good one 
genius. Maybe next time you can say that one of her canine 
charges is on the phone and wants to talk to her. "What," 
Kevin says, completely dazed and probably confused. "Yeah, in 
the...toilet," Viola adds, wringing her hands. Oy. She says 
it's *really* important. Kevin says Charlie will be with her 
in a minute, turns to Charlie and asks what's wrong. Charlie, 
by some miracle, decides to give Viola the benefit of the 
doubt and excuses herself.

Back in her dressing room, Viola says she doesn't want Charlie 
to walk out on the wedding. "What, am I supposed to believe 
that you've had some epiphany," Charlie asks. "That all of a 
sudden everything's gonna be different?" Apparently? Yes. And 
it's a total cop out, but I love that the writers are kind of 
acknowledging that so I guess I'll give them a break. Viola 
says it was never about Charlie, it was about her fear of 
losing Kevin. And to that I say: duh. I think we got that from 
the repeated reminders that he's the only family you have, 
Viola. "He's the only family I've got," Viola whimpers. What 
did I just say? Charlie says this is *her* chance for a family 
and admits she's scared. Viola tells her not to "blow [her] 
chance" at happiness and Kevin's never needed her approval (he 
hasn't?) and he loves her and she promises to get out of the 
way and let them be happy. Right. Charlie calls bullshit and 
says there needs to be boundaries. "I can do boundaries," 
Viola says. Somewhere, Felicia Huber is laughing and muttering 
"yeah, good luck!" Ruby, chair pulled up, glass firmly pressed 
to the door, rolls her eyes.

Charlie says for starters they're going to limit the number of 
times she calls Kevin every day down to one. Viola protests 
that she needs at least four. Good lord, woman, get a grip! Of 
course, what do I know? I *live* with my mother. They 
negotiate it down to two. "Two *long* ass calls," Ruby 
mutters. And when they have kids Viola will not be telling 
them how to raise them. If Charlie wants advise, she'll ask 
for it. Yeah, now she's just asking for miracles. And finally, 
Viola "must be present for every Christmas, Thanksgiving, 
birthday, school play, clarinet recital and soccer game." Like 
I said, she's too nice for her own good. And she will regret 
this eventually. Viola looks weepy as Charlie says she wants 
Viola to spoil them and teach them the things she and Kevin 
can't. Again, you're going to regret this someday. For all you 
know you just gave her permission to teach them how to hold 
their liquor. "I want you there, Viola. I do. Front and 
center. On this point, I will not negotiate." Outside, Ruby 
mutters "damn, that girl can give a nice little speech." Yes, 
she can also dig her own grave quite well. She'll probably 
have one kid and then die of...ahem..."terminal 
disappointment". Viola asks if they can call her "Viola" 
instead of "Grandma". I wonder how long it took for her to get 
used to Kevin calling her "mom"? Charlie says fine and they 
hug and Viola asks Charlie to help her change. Charlie 
protests that she doesn't really have to wear that horrible 
peach dress from the Stevie Wonder collection and Viola says 
yes, actually, she does and gives her a proud momma smile. Gag 
me.

And, as we already skipped the whole dating process with these 
two, we skip the entire actual wedding and cut right to the 
newlyweds exiting the house, ducking handfuls of flower 
petals. Viola jostles her way to the front of the crowd in 
time to see Kevin help Charlie into the car. She smiles sadly 
and starts to slink away. Kevin appears behind her suddenly 
and asks if she really thought he would leave without saying 
goodbye to her. Aww...he's so cute. I just want to kiss him 
and pinch his cheeks. The ones on his face, I mean. Well... 
maybe the other ones too...damnit, I'm back in the damn gutter 
again! They hug and kiss and he says "I love you, mom." Aw. 
Gag. Sniff. Cut to Charlie throwing the bouquet, which 
disappears into the crowd of scrambling females. The crowd 
parts to reveal Viola, staring at the bouquet in her hands in 
shock. Lord help husband #5. Charlie shrugs and they both 
laugh and OLotESoB rolls her eyes in disgust. I kind of like 
her. Even if her role was tragically short. Viola and Ruby 
watch the car drive off and Viola sighs. "Just you and me 
now." Ruby's smile droops and she mutters "Jesus, who'd I kill 
in a past life? And take off that dress, you look like a giant 
peach cobbler. You're making me hungry." Heh. Love her. They 
walk back into the house and she adds "come on weather girl, 
I'll buy you a box of wine." Viola laughs and Ruby rolls her 
eyes as she closes the door, ushering the card with the words 
"The End" across the screen. 

Oh, that's it? Okay. So aside from the fact that the majority 
of the story was predictable (as are many great movies, for 
the record, including much of Lord of the Rings) and the 
standard happy ending seemed to come out of nowhere and the 
general hatred of all things JLo...I don't see the problem 
that people had with this movie. :shrug: Oh, well.

~Diandra