"Myth of Fingerprints" Staring: Noah Wyle, Michael Vartan, Julianne Moore, Blythe Danner and that’s all the names I recognize. Credits. Some really slow, dreary music plays. Then we see some really old home movies of a child’s birthday party. I say really old because it’s obvious it’s being played on a projector and I assume most normal people would use a video camera now days. Cut to Noah Wyle, sitting in a shrink’s office. Oh, goody. He says he had a dream about his family. “We were all sitting around the Thanksgiving table. And I was telling everybody how happy I was. How great my life had turned out.” I’m guessing that’s a total lie. The rest of this scene is intercut with a montage of various members of said family so we can see just who he’s talking about. Julianne Moore climbs a ladder to paint a wall or something. She looks generally depressed. Get used to that expression on her, you’ll be seeing a lot of it. Some woman I don’t know is running at a track. Michael Vartan is in some sort of office, shutting down for the night. His face is completely blank. You might as well get used to that too. The disembodied voice of the shrink asks Noah if he’s going home for Thanksgiving. He says yes, but he doesn’t really look happy about it. Ah, the holidays. Brings up all sorts of fun memories doesn’t it? Mostly involving people screaming and throwing food at each other if pop culture and the general public gossip is accurate. Apparently it’s been three years since he’s spent Thanksgiving with the family or “a year after Daphne” whatever the hell that means. Now we see Blythe Danner bustling around the house, putting sheets on beds and a guy who’s name I unfortunately don’t know (but who’s face I recognize nonetheless...all you need to know is he’s playing the dad) stares out the window and generally looks creepy. Once more, get used to it. [A/N: His name is Roy Scheider. Sorry, I never saw "Jaws". I did, however, see "The Peacemaker", "The Rainmaker", "Daybreak" and "Angels Don't Sleep Here" (the last of which I recaped on this site).] Noah...oh, hell, his name’s Warren, okay? Warren says it’s “been long enough that I can’t quite remember why I shouldn’t go.” Why don’t you try calling first? Maybe that’ll jog your memory. He does not take this advice, however, and we see a montage of him driving, stopping at a gas station, etc. I guess it’s a long way from the Invisible Shrink’s office to Mommy and Daddy’s house because it’s night by the time he arrives. Daddy answers the door, wielding a rifle and looking all sorts of creepy. He looks surprised to see Warren, despite the fact that Warren is his son and it’s the day before (or maybe a couple days before, I’m not sure) Thanksgiving. Later, Mommy and Daddy discuss the fact that Warren arrived a day early. Daddy’s not happy about it because “maybe there are things I wanna do tomorrow.” Like refinish the dining room table or something. Mommy points out that Warren’s not going to be sleeping on the damn table and maybe he can help Daddy out with whatever the hell he needs to do. So, the next morning the woman I said I didn’t recognize earlier arrives at the train station dressed like a hobo. What? I’m just saying... A train pulls up and she sees Julianne in one of the windows, bouncing around on top of some guy. She laughs, nudges the nearest guy and says, “that’s my sister.” Oh, that’s classy. Sheesh. The woman – whose name is Leigh by the way – and the horny couple arrive at the house. The guy – Elliot – says it’s “nice out here.” Julianne says it’s “freezing in here. Close the window.” Why thank you Madame Pessimist. We establish that her name is Mia as Elliot begs her not to ruin their vacation. That’s what the rest of the family is supposed to be there for. Okay, maybe he didn’t say that part. She snips that she’s going into town and marches her tight little butt off. Speaking of horny couples... A car sits by the side of the road, lights blinking, and we hear moaning coming from somewhere nearby. Here we go...gasp pant moan “now?” “no, not yet...” Oh, crap, I know that voice. We pan down to find Michael Vartan flat on his back in the grass with some blonde bouncing around on top of him. Pant gasp “we’re gonna be late” grunt groan “we’re already late” moan squeak “we’re gonna be *later*.” Well, you people should have thought about that before you decided to pull over in the middle of nowhere for a roll in the grass. He flips her over and says “we’ll call.” Grunt groan...etc. Yawn. By the way, has anybody seen the new ads for season four of Alias? The ones with Sydney telling Vaughn that they have to “take this slow,” followed by some shots of them rolling around between the sheets? I think I laughed so hard I sprayed water out of my nose. I mean, I know they were doing it before she was kidnapped and forced to run around the globe in a blonde wig calling herself Julia while he married the Evil Queen of Eyeliner, but seriously. If this is her idea of taking it slow, I’d like to see her definition of “fast”. I suspect it involves several martinis, a ring and a trip to Vegas. Or maybe I’m thinking of that one episode of “Friends”...damn, I miss that show. Wow, I have totally derailed from the topic, haven’t I? Sorry...let’s see...well, they’re still going at it. Of course, that’s probably because Chrissy just showed up unannounced, snatched the remote from me and has been replaying this scene over and over while I was busy babbling about Alias. Chrissy: Damn, who is this guy? Diandra: Who let you in? Chrissy: I let myself in. You gave me a key, remember? Diandra: I should have known I’d regret that some day... Chrissy: Yeah, yeah...seriously, who is this guy? He’s *hot*! Diandra: I’ve told you about Michael before, Chris. I’ve been recapping his movies for a couple years now. Chrissy: And why was I never invited to those recapping sessions? Diandra: Because I knew you would be like this. Now hand over the remote and clean up that puddle of drool. Chrissy: (sarcastically) Yes, mistress. Diandra: Bite me, Blondie. Anyway, back to the recap. Grunt groan...the unnamed blonde finishes with a squeal loud enough to scare the crap out of every bird within a one-mile radius and giggles when they squawk angrily. Amorous couple #2 stands in the kitchen at mom and dad’s house some time later while Mommy snits at Michael...oh, the hell with it *Jake*...for being late. Jake splutters “Yeah, I... we...I called...we stopped for a while...” What a pathetic excuse for a liar. “You didn’t call,” Mommy points out, accusingly. But not in a mean way. More like a somewhat playful ‘rolling the eyes’ kind of way. Can I say right now that I already love Blythe Danner in this part? Cause I do. Jake pathetically revises that he meant to, but they didn’t want to stop to make the call and be even later. Jake’s girlfriend protests that it wasn’t *her* idea. “I told him we should call.” Way to back him up there, Toolbox. Jake apologizes to Mommy and shoots his girlfriend a “what the fuck are you trying to do to me” look the second Mommy turns her back. Mommy tells Jake to show his girlfriend to the study, where she will be sleeping. Jake and his girlfriend look at each other uncomfortably. “Actually,” Blondie protests haltingly, “Jake and I are used to sleeping together.” Mommy looks...I don’t know, either shocked or amused depending on your interpretation. Jake looks too scared to help his girlfriend out here. Girlfriend says she would like to sleep with Mommy’s son...”please?” Snort. Mommy stares at her silently for about an hour, then turns to Jake, says, “I like her” and walks away, chortling. Man, this is the kind of mom everyone would want to have, isn’t it? No? Just me? Okay... We cut to the amorous couple’s room (presumably), where Leigh is waiting with barely concealed giddiness as we hear them make their way up the stairs. Hilariously, Blondie is saying that Jake is “just upset because she likes me more than she likes you.” Snort. Leigh jumps out and shrieks, scaring the crap out of them as they enter the room. Jake tackles her to the bed while she giggles like a total loony toon. Blondie dryly asks if this is one of his girlfriends. Ew. Leigh finally notices Blondie and introduces herself. “I’m Jake’s little sister.” Blondie politely shakes her hand and says, “Hi, I’m Margaret. I’m Jake’s lover.” Yeah, you might want to work on that introduction a bit. “Congratulations,” Leigh says awkwardly. Elliot appears in the doorway. Leigh bounces over, throws her arm around him and introduces him to amorous couple #2. “He’s not mine, he’s Mia’s. But he’s cute,” she burbles, resting her head on his shoulder. Y’know, this chick is cute and kinda funny, but this could definitely get annoying if she doesn’t take it down a notch. And now we join the most pointless scene ever, already in progress. Warren is sitting on the floor somewhere with a couple of losers he apparently calls friends. The friends (who are clearly higher than a kite) are having a conversation about “all the stuff that wouldn’t get done” if they were the only people in the world. Diandra: Chrissy, could you get me a pencil? Chrissy: Why? Diandra: Because if this conversation goes on any longer I’m going to need something long and sharp that I can use to puncture my ear drums. The conversation ends (mercifully) when Jake walks in the room, choking on the smoke fumes. He says he came to get Warren to come home for dinner. Warren’s face lights up and he runs to give his brother a hug. Aw, isn’t that cute? The mention of food causes the losers to yammer on pointlessly about potatoes. Seriously, these guys are starting to remind me of Tom’s loser friend in “The Only Thrill”...MAKE THEM STOP! Warren promises to call them later and pulls Jake out the door. Warren stops on the sidewalk and confusedly asks Jake where he put the car. Jake says he walked. Warren asks why the hell he would do that. “Is this supposed to be, like, Brotherly Talk Time?” Jake says no, of course not, because god forbid a couple of grown men be forced to TALK TO EACH OTHER. Jake asks Warren why he arrived at Ma and Pa’s house so early. A good comeback here would be “why did you and Blondie McSquealer arrive so *late*,” but unfortunately, Warren doesn’t go for it. He just asks if it’s that unusual. Jake rolls his eyes and says “yes. I got here late, as usual.” So, do you usually stop by the side of the road for a quickie with your girlfriend, Jake? You must date some very carefree women... Chrissy: LOOK at him! I’d stop by the side of the road for that anytime! Hell, I would never let him leave the bed! Diandra: (blink) You just discovered this guy five minutes ago and you’re already drooling all over him? Chrissy: Did I mention he’s hot? Dianrda: (throwing up hands) Okay, okay, never mind. Jake says everybody’s there, including Elliot. Warren says Mommy told him about Elliot. Jake sounds surprised that Warren talks to Mommy on the phone since Mommy thinks Warren is upset and zzzzzzzzzzzzz... Back with the sisters and Margaret. Mia is setting the table. Leigh says it’s a good thing she and Elliot didn’t drive because they could have been in an accident. Margaret (damn it, this name is too long. I’ll just call her Marge) giggles and Mia asks what the hell that’s supposed to mean. “I mean, I think Elliot would have had a hard time seeing down the road with you spread-eagle on the dashboard.” Yeah, Leigh’s just a bundle of class, isn’t she? Mia, understandably, is pissed that Leigh would blab about her sex life to Marge. “Well, excuse me, but I didn’t think privacy was your main concern,” Leigh snarks. Okay, I guess she has a point there. She adds that she only mentioned it because Marge was explaining to her why she and Jake were late. Speaking of class. This girl just met Jake’s family and she’s already blabbing away about their sex life with his sister? I mean, come on, would anybody really discuss something like that with their boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/spouse’s siblings? Chrissy: Hell, if my boyfriend looked like that, I’d be telling the whole world! Diandra: (rolls eyes) Don’t make me turn the hose on you. Leigh just mentions it because she thought it was funny that everybody was banging a gong on the way to Thanksgiving at Ma and Pa’s house. Ew. Way to make it sound dirty. Mia snippily tells her that if she wants to talk about her sex life, she will, otherwise they can leave her out of the discussion. She slams the silverware on the table and marches out the door. Mommy finds Daddy in the study. With a candlestick. Yeah, that was a lame joke. I’m going to blame that one on the number of times my employer’s daughter has forced me to play Clue (The Simpson’s Edition) with her. Daddy winges about how he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with his *family*, not their current boyfriends and girlfriends. Oh, boo hoo. Moving on. Back to Warren and Jake. Zzzzzzz... Oh, all right, fine. I’ll recap this scene. But let the record show that I’m doing so under protest. Blah blah blee blee Jake says something about “Daphne” being home for Thanksgiving. Apparently he bumped into her in town yesterday. Must be a small town. Warren stops walking and starts acting panicky. “What’d she say? No, forget it, I don’t wanna know. How’d she look? No, I don’t wanna know that either.” Jake decides he’s not going to wait for Warren to make up his mind and says she’s gonna be home for a while. “Didn’t I just say I didn’t wanna know,” Warren asks. Hey, you’re the one who’s so friggin’ indecisive! He stares at the ground for a minute, then asks, “how did she look?” Are you sure you wanna know this time? Really? “How did she *always* look,” Jake replies. Can I sleep now? Dinner. Marge taps her glass and announces that, even though it’s not Thanksgiving yet, she wants them to know how thankful she is to be invited and be dating Jake and blah blah. Then, further solidifying her status with the rest of the family as “the ditzbrain who runs off at the mouth”, she thanks Mommy and Daddy for “creating” Jake. Daddy hilariously rolls his eyes. Elliot says the same goes for him “except for the Jake part.” So I guess that means I won’t be making any slash jokes in this recap. Jake squirms and Marge reaches over to wipe sweat from his forehead. How much do you wanna bet that that wasn’t in the script and Michael really was sweating? Elliot babbles for a while longer until he runs out of steam. Daddy shoots him an “are you done now?” look. Heh. That night. Jake and Marge’s room...oh, great, here we go again. Pant pant “oh god” rustle SQUEAK. They stop abruptly and Jake mutters that Mommy gave them the “creaky” bed. Marge says they’ll just have to be quiet. Somewhere, a bitter gaggle of birds is thinking “yeah, right. Good luck with that.” Groan gasp pant creak creak “oh god” louder moan CREEEEAAAAAAAKKKKKK noises not usually found outside of a porn movie squeak creak thump. Chrissy snatches the remote out of my hands and rewinds this scene approximately 25 times. Chrissy: (whining) Why the hell does he have to be wearing a T-shirt? Diandra: My guess is so they don’t have to explain why “Jake” would have a giagantic tattoo on his shoulder. Chrissy: Tattoo? Really? Damn, that makes him even hotter! Diandra: (rolls eyes) I do agree that it seems stupid for him to be half dressed, but I’ve seen more of Michael than I ever really needed to see, so I’m not complaining. Chrissy: (perks up) WHAT? Diandra: Oh, crap... Meanwhile, Elliot is sticking his head out the window, listening to this racket. “Can you hear that,” he asks Mia in disbelief. Mia says yeah, no shit. Dead people can hear that. “Jake and Margaret fucking,” she says flippantly. Elliot splutters “do you have to put it that way?” Well, I can think of a few more ways to put it, Elliot, but I don’t think you’d like them any better. He grumbles that she’s been acting so hostile lately. Lately? They climb into bed as the muffled noises continue. Thump groan thump. “Jesus, what, do they think we can’t hear them,” Mia gripes. Well, you could at least pretend. “Relax,” Elliot mutters. “Is that your advise as a therapist,” Mia asks hautily. “Fuck you,” he retorts. Well, that’s a lovely way to talk to your girlfriend. She snits something else and he says, “Shut. Up.” Pause. Thump thump moan thump. “Don’t tell me to shut up,” she brats, kicking him underneath the sheets. “Don’t kick me,” he snaps, kicking her. Good lord, they’re like five year olds. They kick and bitch some more and end up wrestling. She jumps on top of him and we cut away quickly, but I assume they were just about to tear at each other’s clothes like wild animals in heat. We go the parents’ room, where they are being serenaded by The Sounds of Sex in full stereo. Daddy rolls his eyes and mutters “Jesus Christ.” Thump thump groan giggle. Okay, who the hell was that? “Don’t they have any manners,” Daddy asks, mildly annoyed. Well, who’s fault would it be if they didn’t? Hmm? Thump thump groan grunt “Oh! Oh!”. Mommy sits up and shoots Daddy a look that says “Come here, big boy!” Oh GOD! Can’t these people control themselves for a few friggin’ days? Mommy starts sucking on Daddy’s ear and whispers “we have to be quiet.” Yeah, because that’s working so well for Jake and Marge. And we see poor Warren, all alone in his bed, unable to sleep because everybody else is getting some and they WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT. He stares at the ceiling while the noises flood into the room from every direction until it sounds like he’s in a whorehouse. Not that I would know what that sounds like. He stuffs a pillow over his head, but that’s not enough to drown out the racket, so he wanders out into the hall and knocks on Leigh’s door – which is apparently the door to the attic. I have no idea why, so don’t ask. She’s fast asleep. Heh. She’s like me. I once slept through a tropical storm while on vacation with my parents. My mother tells me the R.V. was rocking so much she thought it would blow right over and I was just snoring away, totally oblivious. Warren says he’s going to join her anyway and slips inside, slamming the door behind him. Thump thump groan moan thump thump. Giggle. That was fun. And we’re back with Jake and Marge sometime later. Probably not much later because I doubt Jake (who’s what? 30?) has *that* much stamina. I may be a virgin, but I’m not stupid. It looks like they’re attempting to perform tonsillectomies on each other using only their tongues. “Ow,” Marge mutters when she comes up for air. SNORT! Yeah, I bet there’s going to be a lot of sore people at the breakfast table in the morning. She makes herself comfortable on top of him and mumbles the third most popular phrase used to scare a man off (the first two being “I’m pregnant” and “we need to talk about our relationship”): “I love you.” The hand Jake was using to stroke her back *freezes* in mid air and there is dead silence for a solid minute. “Thank you,” he finally replies. Grumble. Well, I guess it’s better than “I know” or – heaven forbid - “ditto”. Morning. Mommy wakes up a groggy Warren to tell him he has a phone call. He asks who it is. “It’s your mother,” Mommy replies. Hah! He grumbles something unintelligible that may or may not have included the f-word in it and says he meant who is on the *phone*. Gee, somebody’s cranky. What’s the matter, couldn’t get any sleep last night? Oh, wait... It’s Daphne. He leaps out of bed and scrambles to answer. Breakfast. Jake asks if everybody slept okay. Oh for...why don’t you just come out and ask if you and your girlfriend kept them up all night with your rousing (heh) game of Naked Twister? (On a side note, I tried to come up with a more clever euphemism here, honestly! But you should see some of the search results I came up with. “Sinking the Titanic”?) Leigh is listening in on Warren’s call. She hangs up and joins the rest of the group, announcing that Warren just agreed to meet Daphne later. Blah blah boring family talk. Mommy mentions something about Daddy taking the rest of the kids turkey hunting. Leigh tries to get Elliot to agree to go along. Elliot looks slightly ill at the thought. Snore. Warren bounces in, all chipper and shit, and does anybody else think it’s odd that the two most bubbly people in the room are the only two who *didn’t* get laid last night? Mommy makes a crack about it being 1:00pm and is Warren sure he doesn’t want to sleep another couple hours? Warren complains that he was kept awake all night. Silence. “That wasn’t you and Dad,” Mia asks Mommy accusingly. “Please don’t answer that,” Jake begs. Ha! Mia says she thought it was Jake and Marge. Marge says ‘um, actually, it was’. Mommy gripes about the fact that no matter how old children get they just can’t accept that their parents are still knocking boots. Everybody starts talking at once, Jake sticks his fingers in his ears and bolts and Mia squeals “stop it!” Mommy asks what the hell they think she and Daddy have been doing since they moved out of the house. Mia asks if they can please drop the subject while somebody – possibly Jake – makes exaggerated gagging noises in the background. I love this scene. Chrissy: Great. Now I’m picturing my parents having sex. (shivers in revulsion) Diandra: You know, it doesn’t really bother me to think of my mother having sex. Is that weird? Now, my *father* on the other hand...blegh. Chrissy: Word. Later that day...Daddy walks into the bedroom, sits on the bed and starts cleaning his rifle. Mia curls up on the couch with a book. Elliot and Leigh sit on the porch steps...alone. This can *not* be a good thing. She asks what he does. He says he's a therapist. Which has already been stated at least twice before and I'm starting to tire of the repetition. She scoots over until she's practically sitting in his lap and says "physical?" If somebody could just turn the hose on her already I'd appreciate it, thanks. Chrissy: Maybe she's just jealous because she's the only one who doesn't have a date... Diandra: ...and isn't getting any... Chrissy: Exactly, so she's hitting on anything in pants that isn't a blood relative. Elliot explains that, no, he's a psychotherapist. Daddy marches past them, rifle in hand, and calls over his shoulder that he's going turkey huntin' alone this year. Leigh reminds him to make sure it's a big turkey because Warren's loser friends are coming over. I instruct Chrissy to remove all sharp objects from my immediate vicinity in preparation for that scene because, frankly, if I have to listen to those two intellectual voids attempt conversation again I don't trust myself to not do anything drastic. Warren and Daphne meet at a diner and share old memories. The ensuing conversation is so dull and awkward that it damn near put me to sleep. I'm not kidding. I started working on this recap a long time ago and took a break at this point to go work on the Lord of the Rings trilogy. When I came back I realized I had forgotten just how bleeding boring this movie is. Anyway, the upshot is that Warren is not dating anybody now because he never got over Daphne. There. An entire conversation summarized in one sentence. Then, to annoy me even further, we have a long scene of the angsty couple walking across a frozen lake. "Did you wanna know why I left," Daphne finally asks. Warren doesn't answer. She asks again. Could we please get on with it before my hair starts turning grey over here? "For a while I did," he finally replies. She says it's important that she tell him now. OH MY GOD WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY?! Chrissy: Honey? Breathe. Diandra: (pounds head on computer desk, muttering angrily) And we cut back to the house where the angsty couple is dancing around the living room. Presumably this is a flashback, but it's never directly stated as such. Daphne stops dancing, says she'll be back in a second and wanders up the stairs, humming and giggling to herself. Clearly, she has been hitting the sauce. She bumps into Daddy in the upstairs hall and he joins in her little drunken dancing antics. He grabs her by the waist and spins her around while she laughs merrily. And then he kisses her. Oops. She has the worst reaction ever. She plasters a half-hearted, fake expression of shock on her face and says "Jesus, why are you doing that," in a totally unconvincing voice before disappearing into the bathroom. Seriously, where did the casting director find this woman? She leaves Daddy alone in the dark hallway and even though we can only see him as a shadowy outline, it is clear that he's still outacting her. Back to Warren in the present, staring into the distance at nothing. Then I get a brief shot of Queen Latifah standing on a curb bitching at Jimmy Fallon about how she can't be seen riding around in this crappy car because I accidentally hit the record button when I tried to stop the tape here. And Warren is still staring into the distance at nothing when the little clip stops. That was just priceless. Chrissy: You're giggling because you accidentally recorded over 30 seconds of tape? You are incredibly easy to entertain, aren't you? Diandra: I believe we already went over this during the recap of The Two Towers and we decided that the answer to that question is: duh. Okay, so Daphne says she was angry with herself for a while for making a big deal out of the whole thing. Um...first of all? When you're boyfriend's dad practically forces himself on you? It's a big freaking deal. And second: that was making a big deal about it? Could have fooled me. Blah blah she left because she didn't want to be the person to drive Warren and Daddy "any further apart than you already were." Oh, please. They're perfectly capable of doing that on their own anyway. She says for a long time she thought it was her fault. Like maybe something she did...GAH! Don't EVEN go there, girl! This is the kind of thinking that people use to justify rape! You were drunk and clearly not expecting your boyfriend's *father* to try to make a move on you. Read my lips: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Great. Now, in addition to boring the crap out of me, this movie is starting to piss me off. Chrissy: Do I need to get you a paper bag? Diandra: Yeah, that might be a good idea. Warren says it wasn't her fault. Good boy. She says she knows that now and about a year ago she was just lying in bed, thinking about Warren...oh, I am so not going to go there. Chrissy: I will! I plan to be laying in bed tonight thinking about his brother. Diandra: Dude, that is way too much information. Anyway, she was laying in bed thinking about Warren and realized that thinking about Warren *didn't* make her think about his pervy father anymore and...I just lost interest in this scene. Moving on! So, Daddy the Pervert is walking home with a store-bought, frozen turkey when he remembers he was supposed to be shooting a wild one. So he puts the turkey on the ground, crosses the street and shoots at it. I'm with Roger Ebert on this one: I would like to have seen him explain why the wild turkey he shot came all plucked, cleaned and wrapped with a neat little bag of giblets inside it. Mia is apparently a member of some speed-readers club because she has gotten all the way to the last fifty pages or so of her book (which looks at least 300 pages long) and discovers that the pages have been ripped out. She marches outside to meet Daddy as he's returning and demands to know what happens at the end of the story. He says he has no idea because he didn't read it and nobody else was reading it so he thought he'd just use some of the pages for kindling. Elliot and Leigh pull up in somebody's car. Apparently, they went out for ice cream, despite the fact that it's late fall/early winter in what appears to be somewhere in the Midwest. My point? It's damn close to freezing outside and they're standing there eating ice cream? Elliot kisses Mia and she asks if he's eating butter pecan ice cream. Mmm...that sounds good. She bitches that it's a disgusting flavor, bitches at the world in general and hops in the car to go find another copy of the book in town. She's just a big ole ray of sunshine, isn't she? She gets to the bookstore and immediately bitches to the woman behind the counter because they don't have a copy of the book. The woman offers to order it for her and Mia snips that she doesn't want to *wait* for it, damnit, she wants it NOW! She generally acts totally unreasonable for a while before giving up and stomping out the door. Some random guy who overheard the conversation follows her, dopey smile on his face. Mia asks if he has some sort of problem. He says he had a dream about her last night. Ew. She asks Stalker McCreepypants if they went to school together or something. How did she come up with that random conclusion? He says yeah, kindergarten. Yeah, like she can remember the kids she knew in kindergarten. I mean, *I* do, but that was, like, 15 years ago for me and I only remember the one girl. He asks if she recognizes him. Yeah, because I'm sure his appearance hasn't changed much in 25 years or so. He seems to think she should recognize him anyway because he was her "first love". He wishes. Actually, if he knew anything about her current personality, I'm sure he wouldn't. Mia checks her watch in a show of exasperation. As much as she's been getting on my nerves this whole movie with her tortured bitch act, I really like her in this scene. She asks what his name is. He says it *was* Leonard Morrison, but he changed it to Cezanne. Okay, I can see wanting to change your name from 'Leonard', but I fail to see how this is an improvement. She still doesn't remember him and she moves to get in the car and make her escape. He asks what book she was looking for. She gets visibly annoyed (which is really nothing new for her) but tells him anyway. He says oh, yeah, he knows that one. It's a good book. Her ears perk up and she steps away from the car. Now we get a long monologue where he describes the ending of the book to her in great detail. I'd like to just skip it, but there's some nice metaphors and shit in it, so here it is: "As night wore on, he could barely wait. He tried to sleep. Moving from bed to bed, he wandered. He sat in the dining room, reflecting on his childhood and his mother before she got sick. And he remembered her hand on his back at night before he went to bed. And he couldn't understand why some memories were so vivid...like a painting, and others were as though they hadn't even happened to him. It was like they were a story that his uncle had told him when he was a boy. And he thought about his rabbits and what their fur felt like against his face. He was so lonely. I think, basically, his life was passing in front of his eyes like it does in front of a person who's about to die." What does the metaphor mean? I don't have the energy to explain and even if I tried it'd probably take ten pages. You can read whatever the hell you want into it, but I'm thinking it's something along the lines of "live life to the fullest" or "grab the bull by the horns" or something like that. Anyway, Mia asks if the guy was really dying. Cezanne (okay, it's killing me to call him that, so I'm just going to stick with Leonard...better yet, Leo. It's shorter) says he didn't say *that* and she has to let the story come as a "steady stream or else it won't make sense." Then he feels her forehead for some odd, unexplainable reason and she suddenly remembers that she has to get home for dinner. She says she'll call him to hear the rest of the story. He asks if she remembers who he is. "Leonard Morrison," she shouts over her shoulder en route to the car. "Cezanne," he tries to correct. Oh, give it a rest Leo. And now we find out in flashback that Warren followed Daphne upstairs that night however many years ago (please, like I care about timelines here) and saw his pervy father make a move on his girl. And Daddy may or may not have seen him after she locked herself in the bathroom, it's hard to tell. Elliot and Leigh sit in the living room (I guess) waiting impatiently for Mia to get back. Leigh starts giving Elliot a foot massage, much to his discomfort. She still annoys me, but I kind of like the dynamic between these two characters. Marge wanders in and says this seems...awkward. Heh. Leigh offers to rub her feet too. Um...so either this really is innocent or she swings both ways and she's hitting on her brother's girlfriend now too. Marge takes her up on her offer. I almost wish Mia and Jake would walk in right now just to see the looks on their faces when they see this. Snort. Yeah, don't mind me. I'm just so bored I've resorted to entertaining myself over here. Mommy and Daddy wander into the room and everyone bitches about Mia being late for dinner. Then everyone leaves except Daddy and Marge. Uh-oh. Where's Jake? Pervy father alone in a room with his son's pretty girlfriend - MAYDAY! Marge asks Daddy why he always asks everyone what time it is even though he wears a watch and they don't. Yeah, this was mentioned earlier in the scene, but I don't care. He says it's a game. He asks the kids what time it is and they try to guess, but they're not allowed to wear watches. She says that doesn't sound fun. No shit. Before he can reply, Mia marches past him. He asks her what time it is. She tells him to go fuck himself. Basically. I think that whole conversation was supposed to be another metaphor or something, but damned if I know what it was supposed to mean. Dinner. Everybody's eating silently and staring at their plates as if all the answers to the universe are etched on them in 14 karat gold. Mia rubs Elliot's leg under the table. He slams his knee upward, banging her hand on the underside of the table and she yelps. Awkward pause. Silence. Man, I don't know about you, but this is starting to remind me of the average evening meal at the Hollman residence before my parents got a divorce. Warren starts humming. He stops when he sees Jake giving him a *look* and asks what's wrong. Jake says he's humming. Warren says 'oh, really? I didn't notice.' Then he asks Mommy to explain again why she always keeps an open box of baking soda in the fridge. Oh, my god. Seriously? I think this lame attempt at starting a conversation is making my eyes bleed. Speaking of bleeding, I took a break from writing at this point and just came back from cleaning blood off my carpet upstairs. Er...not *human* blood, *animal* blood. Chrissy: Yeah, that really doesn’t sound any better. Diandra: Oh, shut up. Chrissy: Your dog looks ridiculous with that bandage wrapped around her neck by the way. It’s not what it sounds like, I swear! She’s got some sort of growth and it just started spurting blood. Honest! Anyway, back to the recap. Warren asks if today is supposed to be the shortest day of the year. A) no, dummy, that’s Christmas and b) SHUT UP! Mia finally snaps: “Jesus, can’t you ever just let things be uncomfortable?” She thinks it would be better if he just yelled or insulted someone or something instead of coming up with all these lamebrained questions. “Okay, fuck you,” he quickly replies. She says ‘oh, yeah, that’s a good one and why the hell are you so perky anyway?’ What happened to normal, “insecure, depressed” Warren? How’s that for projection? Or maybe it’s a genetic condition. He says he spent the day with a friend and she should try it some time if she can find anyone who will put up with her bitchy personality for more than two minutes. Daddy has had enough. He slaps the table, gets up and leaves the room. Everyone stares at each other and returns to the previous uncomfortable silence. Apparently, Daddy was headed for the treehouse in the backyard, where he stands around looking thoughtful and angsty. Meanwhile, inside, Jake is doing the dishes. Can I just stop right there and say how much I love the fact that a MAN is the one wearing the apron and doing what is traditionally considered “the woman’s job”? Chrissy: Oh, here we go with the feminist rant... Diandra: I’m not going to *rant*, I’m just saying it’s nice to see a guy pulling his weight around the house. Okay, moment over. Mia enters and they talk about absolutely nothing for at least a minute. Then, just as I’m getting ready to fall asleep, Jake asks if she thinks it’s necessary to have a healthy family life in order to have a successful relationship. God, I hope not. Otherwise you people are all screwed and I might as well give up hope right now. “God, I hope not,” Mia says. Thank you, I just said that. Jake asks what she thinks the problem is with their family. You want the short list or the long one? Either way, you might want to pull up a chair. She says she doesn’t know, they’re probably just “fucked up, like most families.” Then she totally changes the subject (either because she’s avoiding the issue or because it was a stupid question, either one of which I can see as valid options) and asks if he remembers this Leo guy. He doesn’t get a chance to answer because Marge chooses this moment to wander into the kitchen, drape herself all over him, and say “it’s late...come to bed.” Mia gives up and leaves as Marge starts unbuttoning her blouse. Sheesh, does this woman have an off switch? I mean, I know he’s cute, but seriously. They’re in the KITCHEN. Does she have to act like a raving nymphomaniac? Chrissy: Hell, I don’t blame her. Diandra: (mumbling) Yeah, you wouldn’t. Chrissy: What is that supposed to mean? Diandra: (“innocently”) Nothing. Mommy takes Mia up into the attic because Mia apparently asked her about Leonard and she can’t believe Mia doesn’t remember him. Mia gets unnecessarily testy. Speaking of people who need to tone it down a notch... Mommy gives her a hard I-am-your- MOTHER stare. And if you don’t know what that is, then you’ve obviously never been around a mother before. She says Mia never appreciates anything and refuses to remember the happy moments in her life. Really? I never would have guessed. She seems like such an upbeat, happy-go-lucky kind of person. “There’s no point to good memories,” Mia grumbles. “They remind you of who you are,” Mommy retorts. That’s a good line, but I’m not entirely sure what it’s supposed to mean. Mia reaches for her cigarettes and realizes she left them in the car. Mommy says that when Mia was little she used to say that only “sad people” smoke. Yeah, well, Mia’s not exactly a bundle of joy now, is she? “Don’t go in a direction you don’t want to go in, Mia,” Mommy warns. “It’s just going to make you bitter.” I’m thinking that ship has already sailed. Mia says she’s sorry but she really doesn’t think Mommy knows shit about her life right now. Hmm...let’s see...you seem to have a decent job. You’ve got a sweet, incredibly tolerant boyfriend who seems perfectly happy to let you use him as a punching bag. Where is the problem, exactly? Mommy pulls out an old Valentine’s Day card from a trunk that Leo made for Mia in kindergarten. Aww, how cute. The boys I went to school with only ever gave me grief. Rim shot. Actually, the girls did, too. I only ever got Valentine’s Day cards because my teacher forced everyone to give cards to everyone else. And even at that, I always got the suckiest cards. The ones nobody wanted to give anyone they actually liked. The ones that said things like “eh, you’re okay...I guess.” If you’ll excuse me, I have to go cry now... Night. Daphne throws rocks at Warren’s window, waking him up. He sticks his head out and asks how she knew he was sleeping in the attic. She says Mia told her because she threw rocks at her window first. I’m sure Mia also told Daphne exactly what she could do with those rocks, but Daphne doesn’t mention it. Warren laughs and asks what Mia said. Behind him, Leigh stumbles out of her bed and tells him to stop asking stupid questions already and invite her inside because it’s cold out there, damnit. Mia calls Leo and says she remembers him now. When did she get his number, exactly? Did he shout it to her as she was driving away? Or did he anticipate that she would have to call him to get the rest of the story later and gave her the number before he even started? Why am I worrying about this? Warren and Daphne sit on the bed, kissing. He stops suddenly. She asks what’s wrong and he mumbles something I can’t understand no matter how many times I rewind the tape. They start kissing again and he stops again after a couple seconds. He looks frustrated. Is this a movie or an advertisement for Viagra? He flops down on the bed and asks “how’s your mom?” Well, that’s certainly a mood killer. She psychobabbles that he doesn’t have to be afraid of her and blah blah blah. They keep talking but I can’t understand a word he says (note to Noah Wyle: diction is NOT your enemy!) and I just don’t care to make the effort to understand anymore. Meanwhile, Jake wakes up to find Daddy sitting on the edge of his bed, humming to himself. I like the attempt at realism here in the sense that it takes him a good minute of twitching, blinking and rubbing his eyes to fully wake up and realize that there’s somebody in the room. Usually movie characters just snap awake and sit bolt upright in bed. It’s the little things that make me happy. Chrissy: I’ll have to remember that for your birthday. Diandra: What? Michael Vartan in a bed? Chrissy: Hell, no! That’s *my* birthday present. Ahem. He says “you scared me.” Daddy ignores him and keeps staring into space, humming eerily. Then he falters and mutters something about not being able to remember the lyrics to the song. Jake asks what the hell he’s talking about and what the hell is he doing here. He touches Daddy’s arm to get his attention. Daddy stops singing and shoots him a look that makes him retreat instantly. Daddy mumbles some nonsense and calls Jake “Warren”. Either he’s sleepwalking or he’s going senile. Anybody wanna take bets on which one it is? Marge appears in the doorway (where the heck was she?) and she and Jake shoot worried looks at each other as Daddy goes back to humming. I really think it’s time they start thinking about putting him in a home. Morning. Jake and Warren sit on the porch steps, chatting. Jake is smoking a cigarette. Okay, I get it. They all smoke because they’re all depressed and their family life is shit and blah blah blah can we stop with the falling anvils now? Also, Jake is wearing what may very well be the most hideous pair of plaid pajama pants I have ever seen in my life. I may go blind by the end of this scene so don’t be surprised if Chrissy has to take over and recap the rest of this movie. Chrissy: I’m not recapping this snoozefest. You’re on your own here, chica. Blah blah blah “look, I know your true passion theory about two people destined to be together, but we can’t all be filled with that much faith, trust and emotion,” Jake babbles. “If it just means you have someone so you’re not alone, then that’s what it means, but you’re not gonna find it in some fairy tale romance.” Okay...what? I think I lost track of what he was saying about half way through that little speech. Aw, hell, I’ll just put the TV on mute and focus on how pretty he is. Oh, fine, I won’t. Warren asks if he thinks he’s being a wee bit “existential” so early in the morning. No, I think he’s being a wee bit “nonsensical” so early in the morning. Jake just restates that you can’t always be so emotional because it’s “not healthy”. That is just such a GUY thing to say. Warren asks why Jake is acting so bitter suddenly. I’m guessing spending a few days with Mia will do that to anybody. Daddy marches past them and announces he’s going to the gym. Warren points out that it’s Thanksgiving. “Happy Thanksgiving, be back in two hours,” Daddy replies distractedly. “He’ll be back in twenty minutes. The gym’s gonna be closed,” Warren mutters. Apparently Daddy has figured that out now because he turns on his heel and goes back inside, saying “I don’t think the gym’s gonna be open today.” Okay, that was cute. They all freeze when they hear a scream coming from inside the house. Marge opens a window upstairs and shrieks “Jake! Come up here and kill this spider!” Oh, for Pete’s sake. What a useless ninny. I admit, I sometimes shriek like that when I see a spider dart across the floor, but I never feel the need to find a *guy* who will kill it for me. I’m not that helpless. I hate how some women think they need a big strong guy... er... some sort of guy anyway for that sort of shit. Just pick up a shoe or a heavy book and hit the damn thing! How hard is that? Chrissy: Sweetie, you’re foaming at the mouth. Diandra: (wiping foam off on sleeve) Sorry. Marge disappears inside, there’s some more shrieking coupled with bumping and shuffling and banging and then Leigh sticks her head out the window, shoe in hand, and declares “I got it.” Okay, now I like her. Mia sits in front of a mirror brushing her hair. “You look beautiful,” Elliot says from the bed. Okay, if she says something mean or blows that off I will completely wash my hands of her. She pauses for a while and finally says “I should be back for dinner” and leaves the room. What did he ever do to deserve her? Kitchen. Daddy is dressing the turkey and wearing an apron. I really mean it, I love how the only characters we ever see wearing an apron in the kitchen are males. It’s refreshing! Marge sniffs at the turkey, shrugs and starts munching away at a banana. Oh, the Freudian implications I could make. But I won’t, I promise. She blathers about the incredible size of the...spider. Sorry, I had to do that. Chrissy: Sigh...how old are you again? Diandra: Oh, come on that was funny! Daddy ignores her and shoves the turkey in the oven. This scene is actually really cute, but it (like the rest of this movie) is full of little non-verbals that are entertaining to watch but impossible to recap. You’ll have to trust me on that. Marge continues to twitter pathetically until Daddy is practically rolling his eyes in annoyance. He takes off his apron and announces he’s going for a walk. She offers to join him and he looks less than thrilled. Heh. Mia wanders in and Marge asks if she wants to come with them. Who is she kidding? Mia says no thanks and grabs her keys. Marge tells her to be sure she’s back by five. Mia gives her a death glare. “I mean...that’s...when we are...eating,” Marge flusters. Heh. Mia just storms out silently... ...and is ambushed by the rest of her siblings in the living room. They try to get her to play football with them. Warren (or Jake, I can’t tell) taps her on the head repeatedly with the football while they’re talking. Does he *want* to lose an arm? She tells them to go ask the guy across the street to join them. Warren and Leigh shrug and run off to do so with Jake trailing after them, whining about how that guy “sucks.” Hee. So Mia goes to Leo’s house. They make small talk for a while and she says she’s not sure why she came. He says “the book”. Wow am I bored. Bored bored borzzzzzzzzzzz... Chrissy: (nudges Diandra) Oh, sorry. She shows him the Valentine’s Day card, which is really a heart-shaped ornament by the way. He smiles and says he used to be “so creative” then. That’s creative? It’s a paper heart with a piece of string on it! I suck at art, but I can do *that*! Meanwhile, Daddy and Marge are walking in the snow. She starts humming the same song he was humming in his sleep the night before. He asks how she knows that song and she gives him some lame story about Jake playing a recording of it for her. She says she likes it, but she can’t remember the words. He starts singing it – words and all. Um...what the hell is she trying to prove? And, for the fifth time this movie: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Mia and Leo sit on a bed while he tells her the end of the story. “They die.” Well, that was easy. Why couldn’t he have just done that over the phone? Mia asks how that happened and what about “the babies”. “Franklin hides the mother and the babies in the bottom of a Cribbage board in the dining area,” Leo explains. I assume they’re still talking about rabbits. “So he can show [something that sounds like “Lubert”]” who has no idea the babies even exist blah blah blah. Then he “goes out to work in the garden. [whatshisface] comes home, he goes into the dining area and sees the Cribbage board with all the pieces out. So he goes to replace them. He puts all the pieces back in their holes and goes upstairs.” Oh, so it’s one of *those* stories. The ones with a depressing ending that make you wonder what the point was in the first place. Wait a minute...that sounds familiar... “So they suffocate,” Mia guesses. She asks what Franklin does about it. Leo says he buries them and goes back to work in the garden. She demands to know why he doesn’t “do something”. Leo asks what he’s supposed to do. Can you perform CPR on bunnies? “I don’t know,” Mia yelps. “He should just do something. It doesn’t make any sense!” “Why does it have to make sense,” Leo asks. I get the feeling that was the scriptwriter’s mantra when he was working on this movie. She gets upset and starts crying. Then she just up and spills her guts in a tearful monologue that I can totally picture being part of an award show clip. “I pick up the phone at work and I say ‘hello, gallery.’ And I know that there’s something that’s supposed to come next, but I can’t remember what it is. So I look around the room and I see this...stupid fucking plaque with my stupid fucking name on it and I say...[softer] ‘Mia speaking’.” She flops down and Leo silently wipes away a couple of her tears. She mutters that she hates that name. He just stares at her and – in total seriousness – says that if you stand on your head for two (or ten, I can’t tell) minutes a day it’ll improve your memory. What? Then he kisses her. She says maybe she should take up gardening and giggles. Wait a minute, stop, HOLD THE PRESSES! Mia just giggled! This has got to be one of the signs of the apocalypse. Mommy and Leigh talk about Elliot (who is sleeping nearby for some reason even though they seem to be in the attic). Leigh says no wonder he’s tired, he has to put up with Mia all the time. I have to give her that one. Mommy says something about Daddy and the sandals Leigh gave him and could we please get to the point? I’m begging you. Then she tells Leigh this story about Jake coming home the first time after being away at college. He hugged her and told her he missed her and...Jake? Are you sure? Somehow I’m having a hard time picturing that, considering what we’ve seen of him so far. She says he’d changed but she “loved him just the same.” Well, I would hope so since he *is* your son. “Your father likes to tell me that it’s only a mother who’s allowed to love that way. Unconditionally.” Um...no. What a jerk. “I can’t explain to you all the reasons I love your father.” Yeah, I bet you can’t. I’m sure it’s a short list. “But I still do.” That was another good scene and a really great moment for Blythe Danner, but what the hell is up with the dialogue? Half the lines in this movie fall flat and the other half don’t make any sense. Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone’s singing (except Jake, Elliot and, naturally, Mia). Oh, please, spare me. Warren’s loser friends start yammering pointlessly about mustard – the rest of the family joining in one by one – until I feel my brain actually begin to melt. This leads to Elliot revealing that Mia always uses too much mustard, which makes them snip at each other. Really? They’re fighting over *mustard*? They finally shut up about the damn mustard and Mia asks Daddy (for reasons I didn’t quite follow) if he’s drunk. “That’s a good idea,” Daddy snits. “Let’s all go in the next room and get drunk.” Sounds like a plan to me. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if I should have been drunk before I even started this recap. It might have made the movie seem more interesting. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there’s some great character moments in this movie, but the time spent between those moments feels like time that would have been better spent watching paint dry. I keep expecting the camera to suddenly dip down and point at the floor because the camera operator fell asleep. Daddy leaves the room, presumably to make good on his words and everyone else eventually follows except Mia, who just sits staring at the table, stunned. Warren comes back and stands behind her with his hands on her shoulders. “Am I a bad person,” she asks. He says he doesn’t know what that is. “I feel like I don’t belong here,” she says. She asks what he’s doing here. He says he doesn’t think she’s a bad person, thus bringing the conversation full circle without actually getting anywhere. On a side note, I can see now why the casting director thought Noah Wyle and Michael Vartan could pass for brothers. The camera angle on this scene highlights the fact that Noah has almost the exact same gigantic nose. Daphne arrives at this moment and we see her and Mommy hugging in the background while Warren looks pained. Living room. Elliot and Leigh sit by the fire, fiddling with something I can’t make out. Marge plops herself on Jake’s lap and they start playing tonsil hockey. Um, hello? There are other people in the room, you know. Could you maybe, I don’t know, GIVE IT A REST? Mommy sits on Daddy’s lap, both of them drinking wine and the loser boys are submitting Daphne to more of their stupid discussion on mustard. Whose idea was it to invite them anyway? Warren starts to join in the discussion when Daddy snaps at him to “make yourself useful and open up that last bottle of wine.” A ‘please’ would be nice. Warren goes to get it while Marge coaxes Elliot to get up and dance with her. Daddy takes the cue and asks Daphne to dance with him. Amazingly, she agrees to do this. Has she learned nothing? Warren clenches his teeth, returns to the living room with the bottle and drags Mommy off the couch she just sat on so he can dance with her. This is basically just an excuse to join them so it won’t be so obvious he’s trying to get Daphne away from his pervy father when he tries to cut in. Daddy is either drunk or in need of a hearing aid because he totally ignores Warren and seems reluctant to let go of Daphne. Warren’s solution to the problem is to yell and push Daddy so hard he falls on the coffee table and breaks it. Mommy and Marge help him back up. “It’s okay,” Daddy protests. “I just...fell.” Awkwardness and pained looks abound. Ah...family reunions. You gotta love ‘em. Night. Warren sits on the couch, half naked and wrapped in a blanket, looking angsty and sniffling. Daphne appears and sits next to him. What? She’s staying the night? When did that happen? He tells her he saw what happened that night, some undetermined number of years ago. Then he says something I can’t understand at all. Note to Noah Wyle: enunciate, damnit. Daddy goes down to the basement to smoke and watch the same old home movies we saw at the beginning of the movie. We watch right along with him as one of the kids (I’m going to assume Jake) does the “crack an egg on your head, let it all run down” game my friends and I used to play in elementary school to the birthday boy (who I assume to be Warren). Daddy sneaks up behind Warren, scootches Jake over and cracks a couple of real eggs on Warren’s head. Hang on a second, I’m confused. I assumed Warren was the oldest of the two boys, but here it looks like the birthday boy is the *younger* one. Unless the birthday boy *is* Jake and I have everything backwards. What movie is this again? Where am I? Chrissy: I think somebody’s overdue for her nap... Diandra: Who are you? How did you get here? Anyway, present-day Daddy looks kinda, sorta happy as he watches the home movie. At least as happy as he gets. Now we have some random wrap-up scenes that don’t actually wrap anything up. Elliot goes up to the attic to talk to Leigh. At least I assume he’s there to talk but since the scene is only thirty seconds long and they don’t actually say anything – just stare at each other – it’s hard to tell. Jake and Marge are in bed. Again. But this time they’re just lying there. “I love you,” he whispers and thousands of females squeal and melt into puddles on their couches. Marge smiles and says “thank you.” Okay, Princess Leia. Mia is reading a piece of paper when Leigh appears in the doorway to tell her that Elliot left. Mia holds up the piece of paper and says she knows, he left her a note. I guess he finally got tired of being her punching bag and grew a set of nads. Leigh says she gave him a ride to the train station. I certainly hope that’s not some sort of sexual metaphor or anything. Mia thanks her stiffly. “I wish you would act like my sister every once in a while,” Leigh chastises. Mia apologizes and attempts a split-second, half-hearted smile. Well, she has to start somewhere. Warren sneaks quietly out of the house. Daddy climbs out of bed and goes to close the window when he sees Warren making his getaway. Mommy, by the way, is sleeping obliviously. Kinda like I wish I were doing right now. Warren stops suddenly, for no apparent reason, and stares pensively at nothing. “Warren,” Daddy says softly from his spot by the window. Warren turns around like he actually heard it and Daddy darts to the side, hiding behind the curtain. Is this another one of his stupid games or what? Daphne pulls up next to Warren and we cut to a shot of Daddy’s face as he hears - from his spot behind the curtain - Warren get in the car and take off. He looks...damn, I don’t know. Sad? Pensive? And that’s it. No, I’m actually not kidding. Like I said, the wrap-up doesn’t actually wrap anything up. I have to say that I pretty much agree with Roger Ebert’s review of this movie. The acting is great (with the possible exception of the girl who played Daphne) but the script could have used a bit more work. I’m not even entirely sure what the whole point of the story was supposed to be, come to think of it. Chrissy: Oh, I don’t know, I thought it was interesting. Diandra: (rolling eyes) You weren’t even paying attention to the plot, you were staring at Michael the entire time. Chrissy: Hence why I found it interesting. Diandra: (sigh) ~Diandra Hollman