"One Hour Photo"

Starring: Robin Williams and...does it really matter? Anybody 
else is basically a *minor* character. 

**This review/recap is rated "R" for language and brief 
(unfortunately) nudity.**

The credits flash by to soft, creepy music (get used to that, 
it will be played throughout the entire film), before we get a 
shot of a camera. Just sitting there. Not doing anything. 
Nothing's happening. Hellllooooo? The music build to an 
inexplicable crescendo, so we almost expect the camera to 
suddenly grow fangs and fly off the table in a psychotic fit 
or something, but all that happens is *click* and the screen 
goes black again.

Now we see Seymour "Sy" Parrish (Robin Williams, although he 
has so little hair you'd barely recognize him) getting his 
mugshots taken. Then we cut to him sitting in an interrogation 
room as Eric LaSalle walks in and announces that they 
processed the roll of film in Sy's bag and they're "not very 
pretty" pictures. He says they're also going to process the 
roll he left at the hotel. Sy asks if he can see them and "do 
you guys have your own lab, or do you have to send it out?" 
Eric just blinks at him for several seconds before hesitantly 
telling him they have their own lab. Freakshow. Speaking of 
which, what is wrong with Robin's makeup? I mean, I understand 
they're trying to make him "blend in" to the background and 
become "invisible" and all that, but he's got, like, two 
inches of the stuff caked on his face. So instead of just 
looking pale, he ends up looking like a really bad drag queen.

Eric reminds Sy that he doesn't have to talk until his lawyer 
shows up, then proceeds to ask him questions anyway. "What was 
it about Will Yorkin that upset you so," he asks. "What did he 
do to provoke all of this?" I think it's more a question of 
*who* he did, my dear. Yes, I know...I'm getting ahead of 
myself, aren't I? Okay. Sy begins filling Eric in on what the 
heck is going on, meaning that the rest of this movie will 
mostly be one long flashback.

We start with a montage of moments from Jake Yorkin's 9th 
birthday party. "Family photos depict smiling faces," Sy 
begins in voice over. Oh, really? Obviously he's never seen 
pictures of my family... "People take pictures of the happy 
moments in their lives. Someone looking through our photo 
album would conclude that we had led a joyous, leisurely 
existence - free of tragedy." So, in other words, they create 
happy little delusions? "No one ever takes a photograph of 
something they want to forget." Well, no. That would kind of 
defeat the purpose, now, wouldn't it?

Yorkin Home. Get it? Yor-kin? Your kin? Oh, whatever... Will 
(Michael Vartan) is parked in front of a computer designing a 
chair or something. Wife Nina (Connie Nielsen) is standing in 
the doorway. He asks if she's sure she doesn't need him to go 
with her then calls to their son Jake - who is playing a very 
noisy video game - that he's sorry, but he has to go to work. 
Yeah, I still don't know what's going on. Will gives Nina this 
*look* as she walks away. Yeah, he's guilty as sin. Bastard.

Cut to Nina and Jake in the car. Jake announces "there's one!" 
and she pulls into a parking space in front of a SavMart. 
Um...one what? SavMart? That can't be right, because we find 
out in the next scene that they're regulars, so he must mean 
parking space. But that still doesn't make sense, since the 
parking lot doesn't even look remotely full. Whatever.

Photo lab of ominousness. We see Sy clipping rolls of film. He 
snips one picture cleanly in half when the other photo guy 
(Yoshi) says, "Hey, Mrs. Yorkin!" He comes to the desk just as 
Yoshi is asking Nina for an address, announces it himself and 
says, "I'll take care of Mrs. Yorkin." 

Nina says she has two rolls of film to develop and possibly 
another in her camera. Sy admires said camera, saying it's a 
very nice one. She says well, Will has been trying to get her 
to go digital... Sy shows restraint by *not* freaking the hell 
out and says "Oh, don't do that! I'd be out of a job!" And a 
hobby, apparently.

Sy notices that there's one picture left on the roll and says 
it would be a shame to waste it. Nina flusters and protests as 
Sy tries to finish it by taking a picture of her. So he turns 
the camera on himself. Oh, joy. They'll appreciate having 
*that* picture. Treasure it forever. Uh-huh. Then there's an 
awkward pause. Sy tries to make small talk while the film is 
rewinding. More awkwardness. Sy tells Nina that they're 
closing in forty-five minutes, but she's such a good customer 
that he'll make sure to have her pictures done by then.

After she leaves, Sy goes back into the developing room where 
Yoshi points out the severed picture. He says he knows and if 
the customer complains, Yoshi can just offer her a free roll 
of film. Is that coming out of your paycheck, Sy? Then he goes 
to work developing Nina's pictures as he waxes poetic (in 
voice over) about the art of photo developing. "When people's 
houses are on fire, what's the first thing they save after 
their pets and loved ones are safe," he asks. "Family photos." 
Uh, actually, I think it would be the wall safe with the money 
and important documents in it. He babbles on and on about how 
he takes his job more seriously than most other people he's 
seen. "I process these photos as if they were my own." And, as 
we will soon find out, in some cases they actually *are*.

Less than an hour later, he gives Nina her pictures and 
announces that they're five-by-sevens. She says she asked for 
four-by-sixes. He sort of weakly says the larger ones are 
better and he didn't charger her extra. Then he notices Jake 
looking at disposable cameras and announces that he can have a 
free camera since it's his birthday and all. Lovely. I bet his 
manager just *loves* him... Again, is this going to come out 
of his paycheck? Is he even getting *paid*? Sy notices a book 
by Deepak Chopra sticking out of Nina's grocery bag and 
visibly makes a mental note of it, so you can expect to see it 
again later.

Employee parking lot. Sy goes all the way to the back where he 
parked his car. He notices a crack in the windshield and 
mutters "great" angrily. Seriously, he's got this restrained-
shouting thing going on that kind of freaks me out.

Back with the Yorkins as they look through the pictures, 
laughing and making comments on some of them. Nina finds a 
rather unflattering picture of herself and announces that it's 
going in the trash. Jake rips it out of her hands and gives it 
to Will and they both have a good laugh. It's a close-up of 
Nina with her eyes half-closed and her lips pursed, by the 
way. She looks like she's on drugs. I've actually seen worse 
though. I used to have this picture of myself that was taken 
when I was trying to do some sort of dance move. All of my 
hair was flipped up on top of my head and into my eyes. I 
looked like Tina Turner with a hangover. Anyway, Nina asks for 
the picture back and, after holding it out of reach and 
teasing her a little, Will reluctantly hands it back and both 
he and Jake complain as she rips it to pieces. 

Will finds Sy's picture and asks who it is. Nina explains. He 
says "great, so now we have a picture of Sy the photo guy" 
sarcastically and throws it on the table next to the half-
empty boxes of Chinese food. Woah. Power of suggestion. I 
swear I can actually *smell* Chinese food...oh, wait...*sniff* 
never mind, it's just the lingering scent on my clothes.

Rundown restaurant of lonely regulars. Sy is sitting at a 
booth, looking through the same pictures we just saw the 
Yorkins looking at. The waitress asks if they're family 
photos. He says yes, the little boy is his nephew. Got him a 
camera for his birthday. Well, that's one way to twist the 
truth to fit your own delusional fantasy. She says "Well, you 
must be his *favorite* uncle then," which plasters a smile all 
over Sy's face. Eek.

Yorkin House. Nina is putting Jake to bed. He tells her that 
he feels sorry for Sy because he doesn't have any friends. 
Nina says they don't know that, he might have *lots* of 
friends. Maybe even a "girlfriend" and a "mommy and daddy who 
love him". "I don't think so," Jake says sadly. Smart kid. 
Nina suggests that they close their eyes and send Sy "good 
thoughts". Meanwhile, at Sy's lonely, depressing apartment, Sy 
freezes, his ears practically perking up as if he's actually 
receiving them.

As Sy is feeding his hamster, we get our first indication (as 
if there weren't warning signs already) that Sy is a bit too 
obsessed with the Yorkins as we are shown a dresser behind him 
covered with framed photos of the happy family.

Back with the "happy" family. Will and Nina are having a fight 
in the kitchen. I can't help but think of something a wise 
woman once said: "never fight in the kitchen, because we know 
where everything is and you don't." Will seems to think Nina 
takes all their luxuries for granted and doesn't understand 
that he has to work hard to make enough money to pay for them. 
She says that's not what she meant and he knows it. She was 
talking about him being "emotionally neglectful". "You're 
never here," she points out. Not that we would know since 
we've mostly seen them through pictures of the "happy moments" 
when the whole family is together. Oh well. We see Jake, who 
has been listening to this "conversation", scamper back into 
his room. Nina leaves the kitchen, crying as soon as she 
reaches the next room. Will just stares at the countertop, 
grateful that Nina didn't decide to reveal where she keeps the 
sharp knives.

Wait a minute, let me get this straight. Nina tried to 
confront Will about the fact that he's hardly ever home and 
Will immediately became all defensive and told her he has to 
work hard so they can pay for things? And she doesn't find that 
suspicious at all? What the heck kind of job is he supposed to 
have anyway? If it has something to do with that chair on the 
computer screen earlier, I hardly think it would be reasonable 
for him to be spending every spare moment at work. Nina, 
honey, get a CLUE!

At Sy's apartment, Sy has plopped down in front of the 
television. We see that he is watching an episode of The 
Simpsons but *gasp* he's NOT LAUGHING! Oh, big whoop. Not that 
I don't find the Simpsons amusing, but I wouldn't have laughed 
at that clip either - it wasn't funny. Meanwhile, we are given 
our first look at the stalker's wet dream - an entire wall of 
Sy's apartment that is covered with pictures of the Yorkins, 
seemingly dating back to before Jake was born. We get a 
detailed look at these while that creepy music plays again. 

The next day. Monday, as Sy points out. It's his busiest day 
since people usually take pictures over the weekend. He tells 
us about his regulars, who apparently all decided to get their 
pictures done on the same day. We get a little montage set to 
soft, cheerful music of these regulars as Sy describes them in 
voice over. They include an old lady who only takes pictures 
of her cats, an insurance claims adjuster who takes pictures 
of wrecked cars and a nurse from a cosmetic surgery clinic 
with before and after photos of patients. There's also the new 
parents, who Sy says go "photo crazy." Then a rather nervous 
young man approaches the counter and the music comes to a dead 
stop. "Then," says Sy, "there's the amateur porn artist..." 
Hee...

Cut to Sy having an argument with the guy who repairs the 
photo printing machine about a "plus three blue shift". 
Whatever that means. This is when we first see Sy's boss, the 
manager, who gives Sy a warning look, obviously not thrilled 
about the scene created by that argument. 

Later, we see Sy eating lunch in the break room - alone, 
naturally - and staring at an old (I assume) Christmas picture 
of the Yorkins. We zoom in on it until the lights on the 
Christmas tree start blinking on and off. Now we're in the 
middle of the Yorkins living room, but the Yorkins still 
haven't moved. They're just sitting there like cardboard 
cutouts while the tree blinks away behind them. We pan around 
to find Sy, wearing a Santa hat and smiling maniacally. 
Mommy...

Sy snaps out of his...fantasy, when the manager enters and 
reminds him that he is not at *his* store and these are not 
*his* customers, so stop being so anal and yelling at the 
repair guy because the pictures aren't coming out perfect. 
"If [these people] wanted to see yelling and screaming, they'd 
stay home," he declares. Sy promises it won't happen again. 
Yeah, right. Bossman tells Sy he should take a vacation. Oh, 
and his lunch break was over a half an hour ago.

So, as Sy is going back to his counter, we hear a voice off-
screen ask if Sy can help figure out this... "I'm sorry," Sy 
interrupts, "this isn't my section." Then he turns around and 
his eyes practically bug out when he realizes the voice 
belongs to Will Yorkin - whom he has only seen in family 
pictures since Nina apparently does all the shopping, and who 
is, naturally, in a hurry. Sy introduces himself to Will and 
generally acts like a star-struck goober while Will wonders 
what the heck is wrong with him. Sy finally calls for 
assistance and asks Will if the rest of the family is there. 
Will says Jake is "around here somewhere". Lovely. This is how 
children get kidnapped pal. 

Then Sy channels his inner stalker and says "You're a very 
lucky man, Mr. Yorkin." Blank stare from Will. "Excuse me?" 
"You have a wonderful family. And if you don't mind my saying 
so, a very beautiful house too." Will just blinks at him for a 
moment and sort of stutters out a thank-you. Yeah, just back 
away slowly Will. Back. Away. Slowly. Don't make any sudden 
moves... Then another employee finally responds to the call 
for assistance and Sy walks away reluctantly. 

Sy runs into Jake, who is carrying a toy that he "really 
wants". Yeah, I'm sure he doesn't do this *every time* he's in 
a store. Roll eyes. Will calls him, saying "no more toys - 
we're leaving!" Oh, yeah, he's a *terrible* father! Not. Jake 
runs to daddy, who - I think - admonishes him about talking to 
strangers. So either he has a really short memory or he 
doesn't trust Sy. I'm going to go with option B. Can't say I 
would blame him, really. He gives Sy another *look* as they 
round the corner and disappear. 

Sy's lonely restaurant. Sy is reading the same Deepak Chopra 
book Nina bought at the SavMart. See? Told you that would be 
come up again! Then we see him walking through an open-air 
market, stopping at a stand that has a box full of really old 
pictures. Seriously, most of them are black and white - 
probably taken around World War I. Meanwhile, he talks in 
voice over about photographs being a "little stand against the 
flow of time" and yadda yadda. He stops at a picture of an 
Elizabeth Taylor look-alike and asks how much it is.

Cut to Sy sitting in his car outside the Yorkin house, which 
basically screams STALKER! "Most people don't take snapshots 
of the little things," his voice over declares. "A used 
bandaid. The guy at the gas station." Um, well, no. Maybe the 
guy at the gas station if he's wearing a funny hat or 
something, but a used bandaid? Ew. "But these are the things 
that make up the true picture of our lives," he continues. 
Whatever. Then he up and WALKS RIGHT INTO THE HOUSE! And since 
this is obviously not reality, the door is unlocked and no 
alarm sounds when he opens it.

He wanders into the kitchen and finds pictures attached to the 
fridge with magnets. Including the one of him. Yeah Sy, because 
that would make so much sense. Some funky CSI-type music 
starts up as Sy keeps wandering around. He finds Jake's room 
and nearly trips over one of the several dozen toys scattered 
all over the floor. Oh gawd...apparently we *had* to see a 
shot of him sitting on their toilet. Excuse me for a moment...
BLERGH!!! 

When he reaches the parents' bedroom, he finds a set of 
clothes and a pair of tennis shoes laid out. Next thing we see 
is Sy sitting on the couch, wearing these clothes, watching a 
football game, drinking a beer and talking to the dog. Wait, 
what dog? Where the heck did he come from? Huh? Okay...I guess 
the Yorkins have a dog now...

Suddenly, the front door unlocks with an ominous *click*. 
Sure. They lock their front door, but they leave the back door 
WIDE open. The Yorkins walk in. Will is carrying a couple of 
grocery bags and Jake is holding the toy Sy caught him with at 
the store. Sy jumps and assumes the Deer Caught in Headlights 
position. The Yorkins see him and everybody freezes for at 
least two beats. Then Will drops the groceries and pulls out a 
gun as Nina grabs Jake's hand and darts to the kitchen to call 
the police. Oops...sorry. That's what would have happened in 
the real world. Here, Will just says, "hey Sy," and heads for 
the kitchen, Nina says "I thought you said you were going out 
today" and Jake shouts "Uncle Sy," then runs up to him and 
asks him to help put his toy together.

So of course this is the point when we see Sy still sitting 
out in his car. It was aaaaalll just a fantasy. As if we 
couldn't tell already...

The next day, a Maya Burson drops off her pictures at Sy's 
booth. He asks her if she's had pictures developed there 
before because her face "looks *very* familiar". Uh-oh. She 
says maybe, a long time ago. He says they're backed up, could 
she pick up her pictures at six? She says she won't pick them 
up until at least tomorrow. How convenient. 

Jake's soccer practice. Jake kicks the only shot that the 
goalie is able to catch. Poor kid. Sy cheers and claps from 
the bleachers anyway. The coach tells Jake it's not good 
enough and they'll have to work on it while Sy waves at Jake, 
smiling. How embarrassing would that be? After practice, Jake 
runs over and grabs a water bottle from his bike. Sy asks him 
if his mom is picking him up. He says no, he's got his bike. 
Doofus. Okay, so that last part was only implied. Sy says the 
coach was a little rough on him. "Want me to have a word with 
him for you?" Jake says no. Sy says, "I will." Yeah, I'm sure 
you would, Sy, but don't you think you've embarrassed the kid 
enough?

Sy starts walking home with Jake. Sy says he was never into 
sports as a child. He was always sick and one year he fell out 
of a tree and broke his collar bone so he had to wear a cast 
all winter. "I wasn't exactly the most popular kid," he 
admits. I'd say that's an understatement. "How's your dad 
doing," he asks for no discernible reason. "He come to see any 
of the games?" Jake ums and ohs and says "He's really busy at 
work I guess. He owns a company and everything." Wait a 
minute. He OWNS the friggin' thing? You'd think he could give 
HIMSELF time off! Sheesh. What a lousy excuse.

Sy bends down to tie Jake's shoe and then says "I've got 
something for you." It's in his car. Oy. Jake proves that his 
parents aren't total failures where he's concerned by NOT 
following Sy to his car. Sy hands Jake the toy he'd had his 
eye on. Jake thanks him but says he can't accept it. "My 
parents won't let me. Thanks anyway Mr. Parrish." Then he 
leaves, but not before Sy can insist that Jake call him 'Sy' 
instead of 'Mr. Parrish'. Yeah, he is getting way too close to 
this kid.

Shopping mall of not-so-chance meetings. Sy rides up an 
escalator behind some trashy looking teeny bopper. Then we cut 
to the food court where he spots the same girl and wanders 
over to sit next to her. Oh...it's Nina. I don't know why I 
didn't recognize her...maybe I've forgotten what she looks 
like because it's been so long since we last saw her. Anyway, 
Sy says he's never seen Nina outside of the store. "After all 
these years, you'd think we'd run into each other at some 
point," he claims. After all these years, I'd think you would 
have made *sure* of that, Sy.

They start talking about Jake. Nina says "He likes you. He 
calls you 'Sy the Photo Guy'." Sy grins at that, but I figure 
his thoughts are running along the lines of 'Darn...he doesn't 
think of me as Uncle Sy?' He points out that he's basically 
watched Jake grow up. Nina says that's right, he's been doing 
their pictures for a *long* time. "I almost feel like Uncle 
Sy," he laughs. Yeah, he just can't let that one go.

Nina excuses herself and starts to leave when Sy very 
obviously takes out his Deepak Chopra book and starts 
'reading', making sure Nina has a clear view of the cover. And 
she falls for it. "Oh my God...I'm reading that exact same 
book right now," she splutters. "You're kidding," Sy exclaims 
as if he never would have imagined that she would read a book 
titled "The Path to Love" (on which, incidentally, she seems 
to have taken a wrong turn). They chat about the concepts in 
the book for a while and establish that Sy has no kids, no 
wife, no girlfriend, no nothing. But, he says he has a 
snapshot of his mother. Then he pulls out, you guessed it, the 
Elizabeth Taylor doppleganger picture he bought at the market. 
Nina says she looks "very nice". Sy, his voice completely 
devoid of actual emotion, says she passed away. Nina flusters 
and apologizes. Then she starts to leave. "I'll probably see 
you soon. We can't seem to go a day without taking a picture 
of something," she says. "Lucky for us," Sy smiles. Meaning 
lucky for *him*, of course. I'm sure he could always use more 
wallpaper.

SavMart. Sy, in full quarantine outfitting, is dumping a 
container of...some sort of fluid into some machine or 
something in a back room. I have no idea. I'm busy wondering 
why he has to wear full body protection and a gas mask but the 
guy he passed by - who is standing only a few feet behind 
him - is wearing normal clothes. Anyway, he's doing this when 
he is called to the manager's office. Dun dun DUN!

In the manager's office, we see photographs of the manager's 
family (wife and a daughter about the same age as Jake) 
sitting on his desk. Yes, this will be important later. 
Bossman asks "what's with the getup?" Sy answers, "It's 
Wednesday, Bill. I was doing the SRS." Whatever that means. 
Bill says he's found some "discrepancies"...somewhere and Sy 
immediately tries to blame it on Yoshi. Poor Yoshi. Bill says 
it's all on the stuff Sy initialed. Oops. Then he says 
something about "net clicks" and "shutdown clicks" and the 
fact that they don't "zero out". Okay. Sure. Whatever. Sy asks 
if it could be a problem with the counter. Bill says no, he 
already checked it and it's working fine. "So the question is, 
Sy," he finally says. "Where did all those unaccounted for 
prints go?" Ah! Now I get it... 

"We're talking about hundreds of prints," Bill continues. Sy 
says that's not possible. Sure it is, Sy. You've got at least 
nine friggin' years worth of pictures on The Stalker Wall. Sy 
says he doesn't know anything about it, then looks away, his 
body language clearly screaming LIAR. "Well, I think you do," 
Bill says firmly. Oh, really Bill? What was your first clue? 
Bill says he's got a family and he can't lose his job over 
this whole thing, so Sy's fired. Sy looks ill. "And if you do 
something like fuck up today's prints," Bill warns. Sy 
interrupts angrily "I haven't fucked up a customer's prints in 
eleven years!" Wait. He's been working there for ELEVEN YEARS 
and Bill is just NOW figuring out there's a problem? Geez, 
first Nina and now this guy... These people are SLOW!

Later, Nina and Jake show up to "get Jake's birthday gift 
processed." What perfect timing... Sy, of course, is not his 
usual happy self and isn't participating in Nina's friendly 
chatter. Then he asks "what was that address again," and Nina 
stares at him in shock. She asks if he's all right. He says 
"I'm fine," which, as all X-Files fanfiction writers know, is 
the universal code for "NO!" He says the pictures will be 
ready "tomorrow" and goes into the back. 

There's a couple of good scenes here to show the grieving 
process Sy is going through in losing his job. He has trouble 
getting the disposable camera open, so he just slams it into 
the counter angrily and yanks the film out. Yet, even though 
it doesn't appear that Yoshi - or anybody else - is around, he 
is still trying to keep calm. Then we see him sitting in a 
corner of the lab, looking through the developed pictures - 
which are abstract in a cute, childlike way of course - and 
smiling. Then laughing silently. Then crying.

Sy's apartment. Apparently, Sy finally figured out why Maya 
looked so familiar. He gets on a ladder for a closer look at 
one particular picture on the Freak Wall - a group picture 
taken at a softball tournament, with Will and Nina draped all 
over each other in the middle. Sure enough, right behind them 
is Maya. I certainly hope he's seen her somewhere else before, 
because I find it very hard to believe that he would have 
recognized her from this one picture where she's in a group of 
about a dozen and the camera is so far away that Sy needs a 
magnifying glass to see her face clearly.

So, Sy goes back to the SavMart in the middle of the night 
(when it's closed) and pulls out Maya's now-developed 
pictures. I guess Yoshi developed them, otherwise Sy would 
already know what he's going to find in there. He flips 
through about half the stack, finding only pictures of Maya at 
a beach. Then he finds a picture of Will. Then a picture of 
Will and Maya. Then a picture of a shirtless Will engaged in a 
very heated kiss with Maya. Sy stares at this picture, 
whimpering. Or was that me? Sorry. Sy just looks like he's 
going to throw up. He agonizes over the picture for a while 
before he very obviously gets an idea.

Later, when the store is opened, we see him put an envelope 
marked "N. Yorkin" into the drawer. Oh, man...I'm sure that's 
the *last* way a woman would want to find out that her husband 
is a lying, cheating bastard. Ugh. Sy tells Yoshi that he's 
leaving early...and he's not coming back. Yoshi looks shocked 
and crestfallen. He thanks Sy "for teaching me all the stuff." 
He's obviously not the most eloquent person in the world, but 
it's still sweet.

As Sy is making the long walk out of the store, this freakish 
music featuring the sound of a heartbeat starts up. Both Sy 
and the music come to a grinding halt in the middle of an 
aisle. An aisle featuring hunting gear...uh-oh. He uses a key 
that he should probably have turned in by now to open a 
display case and removes the largest, meanest looking knife. 
Cringe. 

Now we see Sy sitting outside the store in his car, waiting 
for Nina to come pick up her (actually, Jake's) pictures. He 
watches through his camera's zoom lens as she arrives and 
leaves Jake in the van - with the engine running - while she 
runs in quickly. I'm beginning to think it's a miracle that 
this child hasn't been kidnapped yet. She comes back out and 
hands the envelope to Jake. Oh, yeah, let's scar the kid for 
life. That's lovely. 

Sy follows them in his car as they drive away, watching 
expectantly. What does he think is going to happen anyway? 
Does he think the van is just going to suddenly SWERVE all 
over the lane...oh. Okay then. When Nina gets control of the 
van, she pulls it to the side of the road. Sy does the same. 
Gee, Sy, you think maybe they'll know they're being followed? 
Okay, I'll grant them this one because Nina is probably too 
preoccupied to notice.

Nina, by the way, is looking at the pictures in disbelief. As 
if she can't believe that Will, the "emotionally neglectful" 
and overly defensive workaholic could possibly be cheating on 
her. I'm guessing he could have come home with lipstick all 
over his shirt and clothes reeking of women's perfume and Nina 
still wouldn't have believed he was having an affair. Sheesh. 
She starts crying, but I'm sure she's busy imagining all the 
ways Will could die a slow, painful death. Okay, maybe not.

Sy, meanwhile, keeps looking at the van as if he expects 
something to happen. I don't know, maybe he thinks Nina will 
jump out and try to throw herself into oncoming traffic so he 
can rush to her rescue or something. Instead, the van just 
pulls back onto the road. Sy follows them home and sits in his 
car across the street, watching through his telephoto lens as 
the family sits down to dinner. "C'mon. *C'mon*," he mutters. 
Nothing happens. Nina seems to be pretending that nothing is 
wrong. "What is wrong with this people," Sy wonders aloud. 
What does he expect? Nina to suddenly pull out a large butcher 
knife and slam it into Will's chest while screaming YOU 
BASTARD? Jake is sitting RIGHT THERE for crying out loud! Sy 
pounds the steering wheel a couple of times and drives off 
angrily - plowing right through a stop sign. Okay then.

Sy's apartment of stalker memorials. An old sci-fi movie is 
playing on the television, but Sy is not watching it. Instead, 
he is studying his homemade wallpaper intently. Then we get a 
shot of him sleeping sometime later to establish the following 
scene as a dream sequence. Sy stands in the middle of an aisle 
at the SavMart. All the shelves around him are empty. He's 
just standing there with his eyes closed, meditating or 
something. Then there's a *whoosh* on the soundtrack and he 
opens his eyes. They're bright red. He covers them with his 
hands, screaming as blood starts spraying out of them in 
ridiculous amounts. It's completely fake looking, but it's 
still really gross and disturbing.

Sy wakes up, panting, sweating...you know, the usual nightmare 
stuff, and looks at the table by the bed where the action 
figure he had gotten for Jake is sitting. Why the heck did he 
keep that? Can someone explain that to me? This seems to give 
him an idea, because the next thing we see is Sy on his ladder 
at the Freak Wall, scraping away at the pictures with the 
figure's little plastic sword. Then we see him taking a 
shower. Ugh. Robin, honey, I love you and all, but please, 
keep your clothes *on*! Then he's brushing his teeth when he 
suddenly pauses to stare at himself in the mirror. I could 
probably come up with many theories on what this is supposed 
to mean, but I've still got about a half an hour of movie to 
get through, so MOVING ON.

Sy parks his car on some random street as his long abandoned 
voice over returns to say that "According to the Oxford 
English Dictionary the word 'snapshot' was first used in 1808 
by an English sportsman" and described "a hurried shot, taken 
without deliberate aim." As he gets out of the car and crosses 
the street, we see that he even has a picture of the Yorkins 
on his keychain. Could he *be* any more obvious? "'Snapshot' 
then," he concludes, "was originally a hunting term." Then he 
starts clicking away at something off-camera and we get a cool 
sweeping shot into the camera's lens while the shutter sounds 
increasingly less like a *click* and more like a *bang*.

Later, he enters the SavMart to drop off his film. Bill stops 
him and asks what he thinks he's doing. Sy very loudly points 
out that there's no reason he shouldn't be able to shop here 
*just* because he was fired. Bill says there's hundreds of 
other photo shops and Sy has no reason to come to this one in 
particular "other than to fuck with me." Sy points out that he 
has a very good reason since he calibrated the photo machine 
himself and therefore knows it's the best in the state. Bill 
relents but "just this one time." 

Next, we see Sy sitting in his car outside what I assume is 
Will's company building. Will exits alongside Maya and gets in 
her car. Completely clueless. Yoshi, meanwhile, is visiting 
Bill's office with some pictures he says Bill "needs to see." 
He hands Bill an envelope marked "Sy Parrish" and Bill looks 
at him in surprise. He opens it to find an entire roll's worth 
of pictures featuring his daughter playing on their lawn. 
How's that for a "fuck you, boss"?

Sy follows Maya and Will to a hotel. Oh no...here it comes...
whimper. He watches as they get out of the car and wrap their 
arms around each other with a kiss that is a few steps past 
"friendly" before they disappear into the building. Sy just 
glares after them.

Now is when Detective Eric enters the picture. He's 
questioning Yoshi and Bill back in the SavMart break room. He 
asks if Sy seemed "upset or agitated in any way" the last time 
they saw him. Bill admits that they "had some words," and "I 
suggested, in strong language that in the future he bring his 
pictures somewhere else." Well, obviously *Bill* was agitated. 

Eric asks if Bill's wife and daughter are somewhere safe. Like 
it makes a difference since we, the audience, know that Sy 
isn't going after *them*. This is just a distraction. Eric 
seems to realize that though, since he says he figures Sy knew 
Yoshi would see the photos, show them to Bill and Bill would, 
in turn, call the cops. "It's just a warning." But they put 
out an APB on Sy's car and sent officers to his apartment 
anyway. "If he's stupid enough to come back here," Eric 
declares, "he'll never make it inside the store." Actually, if 
he's stupid enough to come back to the store, it'll be far too 
late, sweetie.

Meanwhile, the aforementioned cops arrive at Sy's apartment to 
find the TV blaring, but nobody's home. Of course. We already 
knew that. Then they find the Stalker Wall and stare at it, 
slack-jawed. Turns out that Sy was using that action figure to 
scratch Will's face out of every picture. One of the officers 
finds some still-intact pictures on the dresser, including the 
Christmas card we saw earlier that has the family's name on it.

At the hotel, Sy is on the phone, asking the hotel operator to 
put him through to a room registered under the name "Yorkin". 
How dumb does he think Will is? I'm sure if you're going to 
have an affair rule number one is DO NOT under ANY 
circumstances register the hotel rooms for your little trysts
in YOUR name. Sheesh. He tries "Burson". The operator patches 
him through. Maya answers. "Hello, this is room service," Sy 
says, attempting to sound perky. "We have your order ready to 
go, we just need to know if you'd like coffee with that." She 
says no. Sy says okay "and this is for room 217." Maya the 
Dipshit says "Um, no, we're room 511." AUGH! Sy says he'll 
bring it right up, then hangs up and re-dials the *real* room 
service, says his name is Will Yorkin and he'd like to cancel 
his order.

The cops arrive at the Yorkin home. Nina immediately asks if 
Jake is all right. Notice how she doesn't ask about Will? 
Yeah. The cops say they need to speak to Will. She says he's 
"at work". At least that's what she thinks. See? All that time 
he's supposedly working his ass off to pay for shit? Probably 
spending about half of it on a little adulterous mattress 
surfing.

Sy books a room at the hotel. Why he does this is not entirely 
clear. He specifies to the man at the counter that he doesn't 
want "too high a floor". The guy offers him a room on three. 
Sy asks if he has one available on five. Hello? You just said 
'not to high a floor'! Isn't this a contradiction? Oh, never 
mind.

Nina calls Will's workplace and asks to speak to him. His 
assistant, or secretary, or co-worker, whoever says, "He's not 
in right now..." Nina gets this look like she can't believe 
she's been falling for this for...well, however long it's been 
going on. Neither can we, Nina. Neither can we. She says she 
needs to talk to him RIGHT NOW, "This is an emergency!" The 
guy, who has obviously been told to cover Will's cheating ass, 
just blinks and says "Oookaaaay, I'm gonna try him right now," 
and puts her on hold while he goes to grab a donut or 
something. She gives Eric and Sidekick - who are sitting (or 
in Eric's case pacing) in the room with her a nervous look and 
stares at the evidence bag in her hand containing one of the 
pictures taken from Sy's wall.

Brief check-in with Sy, who is in the hotel elevator, going up 
to the fifth floor before we're back with Nina and the not-so-
dynamic duo. Sidekick asks where Jake is. Nina says he's at a 
friends house. Sidekick recommends that she have the friend's 
mother take him home. Although it's not like he's in any 
danger or anything. He's not the one with his face SCRATCHED 
OUT OF THE PICTURES. 

Now Sy has arrived at room 511, which is located in a 
conveniently empty hallway, and places a sticker marked 
"glossy" over the peephole in the door. Why we needed to see 
what the sticker said, I'm not sure, other than to keep up the 
photography theme since it was obviously taken from the lab.

Will's lackey comes back on the line and tells Nina that Will 
isn't answering his cellphone. I'm betting he didn't even 
call, anybody agree? Nina finally explodes. "I know he's 
fucking Maya," she hisses. "I don't give a shit about that 
right now, I just need you to tell me where he is!" Um...
didn't she just answer her own question?

Sy listens at the door for a moment. What does he expect to 
hear, exactly? *Pause* Um...okay, I'm not going to go there. 
He knocks and calls "room service!" Maya's muffled voice asks 
if he can just leave it outside the door. And yes, I'm sure 
her voice is just muffled by the door, so y'all can just drag 
your minds out of the gutters, thank you very much. Sy says, 
"I'm afraid not. You have to sign for this." Okay, how stupid 
would a person have to be to fall for *that*? "Just a second," 
the most gullible person in the world replies as she 
presumably de-tangles herself from Will and tries to locate 
her robe. Obviously she's not very familiar with murder 
mysteries and therefore puts her face right up to the door, 
trying to see out the covered peephole, as she unlocks it, 
enabling Sy to slam it right into her forehead.

She stumbles backwards as Sy quickly shuts and re-locks the 
door before pulling the hunting knife out of his bag. Will 
jumps off the bed...EYAUGH! Um...okay...give me a minute to 
recover here...I'll just leave the VCR on pause in the 
meantime... Uh...where was I? Oh, yeah. Will grabs a 
conveniently placed towel to cover himself, and thousands of 
women around the world squeal in protest. 

Sy tells Maya to get on the bed. Will starts babbling that he 
has money...in his wallet...which is in his pants...which are 
around here somewhere. Sy tells him to shut up and close the 
drapes. Will does and moves to secure the towel around his 
waist. "Did I tell you to wrap a towel around yourself," Sy 
asks angrily. Will whispers "no," weakly and lets it fall 
until he's just holding it in front of him again. And even 
though he's still a cheating bastard, he looks so much like a 
little boy that's just been scolded that I have the sudden 
urge to hug him. And no, I wouldn't use that as an excuse to 
take his towel away. Sheesh.

Sy tells them that he'll be calling the shots here, so they 
won't do anything unless he tells them to do it. Then he 
orders Will to get on the bed. Will keeps the towel 
strategically placed as he does this and tries to comfort the 
now-crying Maya. Sy screams "NO!" and grabs his head, 
muttering to himself psychotically. He tells Will not to touch 
her. "If you touch her again, I'll stab you in the heart." Oh, 
I can think of a much better use for that knife that'll insure 
he never cheats on his wife again... *evil wink* 

Back with the not-so-dynamic duo, en-route to the hotel. 
Sidekick is driving while some guy tells Eric over his CB that 
nobody in the room is answering. Duh. Eric orders him to try 
again.

In the hotel room, Sy says, "Now, Missy, you have to take the 
robe off." Missy? She tries to be defiant and says "no," but 
she looks too scared for that to fly. The phone starts ringing. 
I wonder who that is... Nobody notices though as Sy lunges 
toward Maya, waving the knife in her face and says, "I'm not 
asking. I'm telling you!" Will, obviously a slow learner, 
tries to help her remove it and Sy yells at him again.

Back with Nina, who is apparently trying to reach Will's cell. 
She gets a "the cellular customer you are trying to reach is 
not answering" message. Her hands are shaking slightly and 
she's starting to cry. I'm sure she is hoping that Sy doesn't 
hurt Will because she wants to have that pleasure all to 
herself. Or not...

Hotel room of knife-wielding psychos. Sy, holding a camera, 
tells Maya to 'stop sniveling'. "This is supposed to look like 
fun!" Yeah, just call the nice men in the white lab coats 
because he's gone totally off the deep end into Loonyville. 
The couple, meanwhile, is sitting on the end of the bed, 
facing each other, with their arms held out awkwardly. He 
keeps telling them not to touch each other and I'm reminded of 
the Michael Curtiz quote, when directing two actors in a love 
scene "Could you two get a little closer apart?" Yeah, I'm just 
full of random quotes, aren't I? "Smile," Sy hisses angrily. 
"You have to look like you're having fun." Well, they *were* 
until you showed up. I'm sorry, that wasn't funny... I'm doing 
my best here, but this scene is just too disturbing to make 
fun of. Sy throws a towel at Maya and tells her to wipe her 
nose, because she looks "disgusting".

Then Will is laying on the bed and Maya is kneeling over him. 
Sy directs her to "put his thing in your mouth." Now Will is 
starting to lose it and I'm cowering deeper into my chair, 
whimpering, peeking out at the TV from between my fingers. Oh, 
please make it stop! Sy yells at Maya as she starts to 
actually do as he asked. Okay, he's starting to scare the crap 
out of *me*. "Pretend," he says in a disturbingly calm voice, 
"This is all pretend." She begs him to stop yelling at her. He 
grabs her by the hair and forces her head down while Will 
starts crying. Sy takes a couple more pictures and grabs her 
by the hair again as she shouts "No," and Will makes a sort of 
sobbing/choking noise. 

And we're back at the Yorkin home, thank God. Nina and Jake 
are watching a news report on tornadoes with the TV on mute. 
Not really *watching* it, of course, just waiting to hear 
something. A cop is sitting in the hallway, reading the paper.

Sy enters his own room and slumps against the door, sighing. 
He washes his face in the bathroom sink and pauses again to 
look at himself in the mirror. Again, I'm not going to 
speculate or I'll never finish this thing. Then he just lays 
in bed, staring at the ceiling, mentally calculating at what 
point, exactly, he lost his last remaining marbles.

The cops arrive at the hotel. Blah, blah, do I really need to 
recount this part? At the same time, Sy, who is sitting on the 
bed, notices a flashing light on the other side of the 
curtain. The lights of a police car, of course. Nice going, 
guys! Real inconspicuous! Sigh. So, of course, by the time 
Eric and Sidekick get to his room, it's empty. Meanwhile, Sy 
tries to escape out the front door, but finds an officer 
guarding it. Eric finds the knife in the sink and Sidekick 
finds the camera. What? Huh? Why would...Okay... They head for 
room 511.

Sy runs through the kitchen and several *long* hallways into 
the parking garage, activating an alarm as he goes through an 
exit door. Hearing this, Eric turns and runs back the way he 
came to try and find Sy, who is now running down a *really* 
long parking ramp while a cop car is driving up the same ramp 
to meet him in the middle. Eric running. Sy running. 
Everybody's running. 

Sidekick enters room 511 and doesn't seem to find anything. 
Geez, these cuts are going fast now... Sy finds an exit, but 
is stopped when a police car blocks it and several cops pull 
guns on him. Back in 511, Sidekick searches...I don't know, 
the closet? ...And asks, "William Yorkin?" Sy turns and is 
blocked from the other direction by the car that we saw coming 
up the ramp earlier. More guns. Sidekick enters the bathroom 
to find the shower running and somebody in the tub...not 
moving. Sy puts his hands on his head and gets on his knees. 
Eric finally arrives. Buddy, you need to cut back on the 
donuts and go to the gym more often. You're late. 

Now we finally see what Sidekick found. Maya is in the shower, 
just sitting under the spray, looking traumatized, and Will is 
sitting on the bed, staring at the floor, also traumatized. "I 
just took pictures," Sy says sadly (Ooo, alliteration!) as the 
cops cuff him and read his rights. This whole sequence might 
have been more suspenseful if I hadn't already seen screencaps 
online and therefore known that Will wasn't dead, as we are 
obviously being led to believe. The screen fades to black for 
a *long* time.

Yorkin home of people who are going to be in *serious* need of 
therapy. The doorbell rings and Jake runs to the door. The cop 
opens it to find Will and his escort Eric. There's an odd 
scene where Jake waits until Will is fully inside the door 
before running to him instead of just barreling into him the 
second he saw his face. It's so obvious the kid was waiting 
for his cue that it almost ruins the moment. What? I said 
*almost*! They hug and Will sniffles a bit, wiping at his 
eyes. He looks like he's just gone through hell. Dang it, I 
want to hug him again... Nina approaches much more slowly and 
she and Will just stare at each other from across the room. 
Can you say "irreconcilable differences"? Yeah, I thought so.

And we're back to the beginning. Sy and Eric just stare at 
each other from across the table in the interrogation room for 
several moments. "Are you married, Detective," Sy finally 
asks. "Have any children?" Eric says he'll be asking the 
questions, but Sy insists he just has one. "Detective, are you 
a family man?" Eric says that's none of his business. Sy says 
no, it isn't, "but I'm guessing by your answer - and that ring 
on your finger - that you are. And it makes you a very 
fortunate man. I can also tell by the way you've treated me so 
far and the way you carry out your job [that] you're a good 
man. A good husband and father. A man who appreciates his good 
fortune. You're not the type of father who'd cheat on his 
wife. Hurt his family. Betray their trust. You wouldn't ever 
neglect or abuse your children. Make horrible demands of your 
children." He becomes increasingly agitated. "You would never 
ask your children to do things...things that children 
shouldn't do. You would never take disgusting, sick, degrading 
pictures of your children doing these things..." Anybody want 
to take bets on when, exactly, he stopped talking about Will 
and started talking about his own father? I'm thinking 
somewhere around the word "abuse".

Sy stops to take a breath, then starts again, calmly. "You 
would never treat your children like animals." He pauses as he 
probably realizes how far off-topic he's gone and tries to 
reign it back in. "Will Yorkin had it all and he threw it all 
away. He's not a good father." Well, we don't really know 
that...he's certainly not a good *husband*. I'm afraid reading 
this scene does not do it justice. This one scene - this 
monologue - is all the proof you need of why Robin Williams is 
an Oscar Winner. Although why he won that Oscar for "Good Will 
Hunting", of all things, I will never understand. I mean it, I 
literally *stopped* breathing at some point during this scene! 
I just...wow. That's all I can say, just wow.

Eric clears his throat. "Well...I think I understand now, Sy. 
Thank you." Yeah. I think you understand more than you ever 
wanted to *know*, pal. He starts to leave when Sy asks, "Can I 
see my pictures now?" Eric says sure and hands them to him. Sy 
takes them with an almost childlike giddiness and spreads them 
out in neat rows on the table. They're all pictures from the 
hotel, but they're pictures of the room itself. The shower 
head. The couch. The curtains. Cracks in the ceiling. What? 
How...huh?! Sy looks up after Eric leaves. Then his eyes lower 
slowly, a sad expression on his face and we fade into a 
picture of him smiling...with his arm around Jake. Will is 
next to him, with one arm around Sy and the other around Nina. 

And then the credits roll. Oy. That was a fun little roller 
coaster. Gah. It's probably the best movie I've seen Michael 
Vartan in yet, but if you see this movie for anybody other 
than Robin (who, frankly, was the reason *I* saw it) you might 
be disappointed. Robin is truly excellent here, though. I 
really don't know what else to say. I think I'm still trying 
to catch my breath. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm 
going to go light a few candles, put on some soothing music 
and try to recover.

~Diandra