"Sand"

Staring Michael Vartan as Tyler Briggs, Norman Reedus as Jack, 
Kari Wuhrer as Sandy, Marshall Bell as Gus ("Daddy"), Dennis 
Leary as Teddy and with brief appearances by Jon Lovitz and 
Emilio Estevez.

**WARNING!!** 
This review/recap is rated "R" for language, although it 
*might* only have been a PG-13 if it wasn't for Denis Leary.
**END WARNING**

I'm gonna warn y'all right now: if you have delicate 
sensibilities when it comes to language (the "f-word" in 
particular) then you should just hit the back button right 
now. There was so much swearing in this movie that I had to 
pull out my little (imaginary) modified 'speed gun' (those 
things that cops use to clock cars - whatever they're called). 
I call it a 'fuck-o-meter'. And I spent most of the movie 
pointing it at Denis Leary. 

Okay. We open with some *really* long credits, set to some 
really cool music. Seriously, I love the music in this movie - 
it's the best part! Which, granted, is not saying much, but... 
It morphs into some Enya-esque song as we see a woman playing 
with a cute little boy on a beach somewhere. We can assume 
this is her son, because...well, because it is. The camera 
pans up her right arm and stops on her head, switches to a 
shot of a stone statue and travels down its left arm. Now 
we're in a graveyard. Michael Vartan is standing over a grave, 
and a "priest" is next to him. From this, we can conclude two 
things. One: the woman in the opening shot is now dead and 
we're at her burial. Two: this is the son, all grown up...but 
still cute, albeit in a *different* way...

This is confirmed when we see the headstone. "Marina Tyler 
Briggs: gifted artist, devoted friend, loving mother". And the 
movie dates itself by showing us a death date of 1996. The 
"Enya" music is cut off abruptly with a car horn. Michael 
frowns in the general direction of the noise as an older guy 
(we can assume he's the father, because...well, same reason) 
says "Come on, Ty, we're leaving!"

Ty, Daddy and three other guys (hereinafter referred to as 
Dipshit #1, Dipshit #2 and Dennis), who we can assume are Ty's 
brothers because...well, you know, are sitting in a restaurant 
when a couple of newlyweds pull up. We know they're newlyweds 
because the words "just married" are painted across the 
windshield in REALLY BIG letters. The classless boys start up 
a commentary. "He doesn't deserve to even live *near* that... 
now he's hitched to it. Un-fucking-believable." Yep, that 
would be Dennis. Then he says it doesn't matter because "in 
three days he's still going to wake up in some hotel 
someplace, look down at her and say 'what the fuck did I do?'"

They all continue to generally lambaste the entire concept of 
marriage (except for Ty, who's just staring into space) as the 
couple comes over and sits at the next table. Ty focuses long 
enough to say "Hey, insult mom's memory a little more, why 
don't you," although it only vaguely makes sense for him to 
say something like that. I'm guessing it's just thrown in to 
confirm that Marina was, indeed, his mother. Daddy pipes up, 
announcing he's going to tell them all something about women. 
Oh, this should be good. Groan. "They're the source of all the 
pain and misery and suffering in the universe." Gee, thanks. 
Then he nods to Tyler and adds, "Except for your mother of 
course." Well, isn't that nice? "My advise to you," he 
continues (unfortunately), "is to avoid marriage like the 
plague that it is."

The male half of the newlywed couple finally speaks up to say 
um, excuse me? Hi. Daddy leans over to their table and says, 
"Congratulations. How's it feel?" The couple, of course, 
leaves. Ty shakes his head and says, "It's getting harder and 
harder to believe we have the same blood running through our 
veins." Again, this is probably just to confirm that they are, 
indeed, all related. Dennis, looking out the window at the 
retreating couple, just mutters "nice ass." By the way, the 
fuck-o-meter is already on 11. 

The Dipshit boys sit outside a lawyer's office smoking and 
taking hits off of something. #2 asks if #1 thinks Marina left 
them anything. #1 says "she wasn't our mom, we just called her 
that" and "we drove her fuckin' nuts every chance we got!" So 
apparently they're Ty's *half* brothers. According to the sign 
on the door next to them, we're in Bristow...excuse me 
*Barstow* California.

The reading of the will. The lawyer begins by telling Ty that 
his mother was "the loveliest, sweetest woman that this town's 
ever seen and she's gonna be dearly missed." Daddy tells him 
to just get on with it. Lawyer says according to Marina's will 
the house, the cash, the car, personal effects, everything 
goes to Tyler. Daddy splutters angrily and asks how that's 
possible. Lawyer says, "you left Marina over twenty years ago 
when this boy was just a baby...I don't understand why you're 
surprised." Daddy starts getting defensive, claiming he loved 
Marina "very much." Really? Is that why you left her? Roll 
eyes. Tyler interrupts to say he just wants her car, guitar 
and photo albums - Daddy can have the rest. Lawyer tells Ty 
he's definitely his mother's son, which is obviously a good 
thing.

Bar of flashbacks. Ty sits staring at a beer while we are 
treated to the same beach-scene flashback (to the same music) 
as before since this is apparently the only happy memory Ty 
has of his mother. Then he downs a shot glass and at least 
half the beer in one breath. The next day, he's getting in his 
car when Daddy tells him he can't just *leave*. "Your mother 
wouldn't'a wanted it this way." Ty snits, "Bye Dad," and 
drives off. How's that for tough love?

And now there's a LONG driving scene set to some Bob Dylan-
like music (aptly titled "The Bob Dylan Blues"). Winding 
roads. It's obvious he's actually driving here since 1) he's 
LOOKING at the ROAD, 2) he's not sawing on the wheel like he's 
maneuvering an obstacle course and 3) the camera is bouncing 
at a realistic tempo. He ends up at a beach...and the Enya-
inspired music is playing...wait for it...yup, same old 
flashback. This time it's interrupted by a different voice 
informing Ty that he's on private property. Ty says he didn't 
know...he used to play here as a child...mother lived here... 
Marina Tyler, blah blah. Tyler meet Jack, Jack meet Tyler. 
Jack notices Ty was named after his mother. He says he was 
too. Nobody cares, Jack.

Hotel of the worst hosts in the world. Jon Lovitz (Kirby, 
although I only know that because I looked it up), wearing a 
hideously mismatched outfit is sitting on the bed eating a 
bowl of cereal and just generally acting like a pig. The role 
Jon was born to play I guess. His wife - played by Julie Delpy 
- is sitting next to him clipping her toenails. Lovely. More 
classless people. Kirby asks if she can do that someplace 
else, she - mature person that she is - snatches the cereal 
bowl out of his hands. 

Ty walks in as they're wrestling over the bowl and asks if he 
can get a room. Wife smiles sweetly at him and says sure, her 
husband will get him a room. She has a fairly obvious French 
accent, by the way. And not the kind of fake American-
attempting-to-sound-French accent either. It's obvious that 
she really IS French. Anyway. Kirby grumbles, "*You* get him a 
room, I'm not your goddamn slave." They yell at each other a 
little and Ty warily offers to find it himself. Hee. Kirby 
reluctantly gets up, tells Ty to follow him, and climbs out 
the window. 

On the way to the room, Kirby offers Ty some advise: "Don't 
ever get married." Isn't it nice how EVERYBODY in this movie 
is absolutely appalled by the idea of marriage? Hmpf. Kirby 
says his wife leaves hairs everywhere, won't let him watch his 
TV shows, "shits" on his friends, snores "like a fucking 
gorilla", "corrects my talkin'" (oh, really? I wonder why...), 
leaves his razor in the shower, can't cook, doesn't clean, 
blah blah. Something seems wrong with Jon's voice in this 
scene... Then Kirby turns to Ty and spits, "It's hell on 
EARTH!" And when I say "spits", I mean it. I almost expect Ty 
to wipe his face off. Instead, he just gives Kirby this *look* 
like 'um...oooookaaaay, are you done now?' Then he goes to his 
room and sits staring into space, playing his mother's guitar 
sadly.

Now we get a completely pointless scene where Kirby lectures 
Ty on how to get away with bad driving. He says driving 10 
miles over the limit will get you a ticket, so go 9. Um...like 
that isn't common knowledge? His brother is a cop, so he knows 
how the breathalyzer is calibrated. Apparently, if you want to 
drink and drive, you can have four Mexican beers and one and a 
half German. Whatever.

Jack and his friends (Max, Useless, and Trip) are sitting on 
the beach when Ty walks past. Ty asks where he can find work. 
Trip (played by Emilio Estevez) tells him about a lady who 
needs repair work on her house and the others offer to meet 
him later at the local bar. 

At the bar Useless V2.0 and Max start telling pointless 
stories, but since they're both talking at the same time it's 
pretty much impossible to tell what they're saying. They do 
manage, however, to up the fuck count to 22. The group goes 
out to sit on a fence or something by the water and Max tells 
Ty about some Indian tribe and the "Sacred Brotherhood of the 
Canoe". Then he starts this really annoying chant, getting 
louder and louder until he's shouting in Ty's face. Then Max 
and Useless shove Ty into the water. They laugh at Ty's 
gullibility for all of three seconds before Jack gets up and 
pushes *them* into the water before jumping in himself. 

The next day, they're all lying on the beach looking vaguely 
hung over when some girl runs up and jumps on top of Jack. 
They hug and kiss as Ty looks completely confused. The other 
guys hug her and introduce her to Ty. Sandy, Ty. Ty, Sandy. 
Then Sandy and Jack take off down the beach. Ty asks Max how 
long they've known each other. Max, who is completely off-
camera throughout this whole scene for some reason, smacks him 
in the arm and says that's his sister pervert, not his 
girlfriend. "Could've fooled me," Ty says. No kidding. Useless 
invites Ty to join them later and "see how the other half 
parties." Max the Not-So-Gifted asks "who's the other half?"

Back with the happy couple. Oh joy. Kirby is eating...I'll 
assume peanuts and smacking at Frenchie's hand every time she 
sticks it in the bowl. She asks when he's going to share. He 
says she came to this country (from France, of course) flat 
broke and he fed her, clothed her, married her and got her her 
own remote and now she thinks he doesn't share? I'd argue that 
the marriage part was not exactly doing her a favor... She 
shoves her hand back in the bowl defiantly (I like her) and he 
tells her to cut it out or else she's "not gonna get any 
tonight." Yeah, like that's really a threat. Snort.  

Ty pulls up and thanks them for the room. Frenchie turns on 
the sweet and says, "You're welcome! Come and see us again!" 
Yeah, like that'll happen. Kirby reminds him of the "54 in a 
45" lecture as he drives off. Then he turns to Frenchie and 
says, "How much you wanna bet he goes 60 and drinks four 
Mexicans?" Then he laughs hysterically until Frenchie grabs 
another handful of nuts. They yell at each other a bit and he 
pulls his lame threat again. She pretends to cry. He says oh, 
come on, don't *cry*, she says I'm not crying you moron and 
plunges her hand in the bowl again. Hee.

Now there's a scene with Jack and Sandy on the beach, talking 
about... Okay, honestly, I have no idea because I blanked out 
through most of it. Something about her being back from 
college and getting a "fellowship in Santa Fe" and mom and dad 
would've been *real* proud of her. Meanwhile, Ty arrives at 
the house he's supposedly going to fix up although we never 
actually see him *do* that. It is a BIG ASS house 'o glass 
right on the beach. Obviously the owner has never heard of 
hurricanes. He wanders back to that gigantic rock and sits on 
it, thinking. What? No flashback this time? Gasp!

Later on the beach, Useless thanks the ocean gods "for safely 
delivering back to us our most favoritest honey in the whole 
wide world." English teachers everywhere cringe in horror. Max 
finally figures out that the other half is women. Useless and 
Jack tackle him to the ground, throw him in the water and run 
down the beach as he chases after them, leaving Ty and Sandy 
to...I don't know, chat about the weather and stare at each 
other awkwardly.

That night Ty and Sandy are at the house that will be referred 
to from now on as Ty's even though, you know, it really isn't. 
She's talking about driving home but feeling like she was 
leaving home at the same time and does he think that sounds 
crazy? He sort of mumbles something that resembles a no. 
Sometime later he pulls out mommy's guitar and starts playing 
some sort of ballad while Sandy sings in a really high, 
breathy voice. On a side note, I'm sure Michael is really 
playing the guitar here, you know, since he *can* and all, and 
according to IMDb, the song was written by Kari. This song 
continues through the next sequence. 

We see them walking on the beach, then rolling around playing 
tonsil hockey in the sand (wheee!). Then she runs toward the 
water, darting back to shore every time a wave comes toward 
her since the dinky little slip she's wearing is pure white 
and would therefore leave nothing to the imagination if it got 
wet. She keeps turning back to him with this expression that I 
can only describe as 'sex kitten', but he just sits on his ass 
staring stupidly at her. Then there's a weird sex scene where 
all we can see is her face in extreme close-up and, 
occasionally, his gigantic nose and permanently stubbled chin.

The next day, Sandy meets up with Jack. "So," he says. "Did 
you have a good time last night?" So apparently he didn't hear 
her shouting OH GOD OH YES RIGHT THERE YEEEEEEESSSSSSSS! Or 
maybe he did since she says yes and he gives her a *look* and 
says "Mmm-hmmm."

So of course, since everything is going right for Ty, it's 
time for Daddy and the three stooges to show up and wreck it 
all. "How the fuck did you guys find me," Ty asks Daddy. 
Nobody answers. So he tries "What the fuck are you guys doing 
here?" Apparently the Dipshit brothers got them into some sort 
of *situation*, Dennis "shot his mouth off" and made it worse 
(says Daddy, to which Dennis responds "fuck you") and they 
need someplace to "lay low" for a while. So they thought 
they'd come pay Ty a visit. Isn't that sweet? Not. Ty says 
they can't stay. Dennis asks if they can have something to eat 
at least. Ty says there's a 7-11 on the way back to the 
freeway. Dennis says fuck you, Ty. What a shocker. And the 
Fuck-O-Meter has jumped to 31.

So the relatives from Hell go to a motel and sit around 
smoking and snorting shit while Ty goes to the bar to talk to 
Jack. "So...you cool with me hangin' with Sandy," he asks. I 
think you're doing a bit more than 'hangin' with her, pal. And 
does Jack really have a choice? Jack says yeah, "just so uh, 
you know that uh..." "Goes without saying," Ty says. Yeah, 
apparently... Then Ty runs into the Dipshits. #2 seems to 
think that "all guys with blond hair are fairies," meaning 
Jack is an open target for ridicule. Daddy wants to know if Ty 
will have dinner with them, but since Ty just invited the 
"fairies" over to "his house" I'm guessing no. #1 says you 
still have time for your family, right? Ty manages to *not* 
laugh until he drools and says no.

I'll just fast forward a bit here... Daddy and the three 
stooges are hangin' around a hot tub somewhere, drinking. They 
make a toast to "pussy". Yeah, that's real nice. Gag. "Pussy 
pussy pussy pussy." Gee, thanks Dennis. "And while we're on 
the subject," he adds. Groan. "Here's to JFK." WHAT?! 
"Probably the greatest American President who ever lived..." 
All right, I'm starting to warm up to him. "...and the 
greatest fuckin' pussy in the history of fuckin' pussy 
chasin'" Blink. Maybe I spoke too soon...

Dennis rattles off a list of the women Jack Kennedy was 
"fucking" or *could* have been fucking while he was president. 
Oy. Then he says "And here's to Bobby Kennedy," Oh, lord... 
"Second greatest pussy of all time who also fucked Marylin and 
probably fuckin' got seconds on fuckin' everybody else that 
Jack was fuckin' and would have ended the Vietnam War had he 
lived and my brother Mikey would be here right now." Oh, don't 
get me started on the conspiracy theories...yeah. "Here's to 
the whole fuckin' Kennedy family," Dennis declares. Then he 
starts naming them off although all he can think of is Rose 
and a bunch of guys named Joe. "I love 'em all," he says. "And 
I love Teddy the most of all, 'cause he's fat and he's flawed 
and he's a great fuckin' liberal senator!" Okay, I'm starting 
to like him again. In fact, I kinda like this whole scene. Of 
course, I may be a bit biased because if it weren't for the 
Kennedy's I wouldn't be here, since...you know what? It's a 
long story, forget it.

Daddy apparently isn't fond of Ted Kennedy and they get into a 
little bit of an argument. Dipshit #1, bored out of his mind, 
starts splashing water. Dennis yells at him to stop. "We're 
having a political fuckin' discussion here!" Then he says it's 
an animal territory thing, whatever that's supposed to mean, 
"but you know what? They're my animals. I love 'em. So fuck 
you." Daddy proves that he is, in fact, an old fart by calling 
Ted Kennedy a "macrelsnapper". Wanna guess what the fuck count 
is now? Go ahead, guess. Seventy-two! Thirty-eight in this one 
scene alone! And almost all of it came from Dennis, naturally.

Ty, Jack, Sandy et all are asleep on the beach. Sandy wakes up 
and winces, grabbing her head. She wanders into "Ty's house" 
to get an aspirin and is ambushed by the Dipshits. There's a 
painfully long scene where they try to rape her but are 
interrupted by Daddy and Dennis. Daddy apologizes to Sandy. 
Um...yeah. So of course she's acting all skittish the next 
time Jack sees her. She says she doesn't want to talk about 
it, but ends up telling him that "some guys" at "Ty's house" 
attacked her. He offers to take her to a doctor. She says no 
doctor, no police, let's just forget it ever happened. Which 
would make sense if she knew the guys were Ty's brothers, but 
since she doesn't I would think she'd have no qualms about 
calling the police. 

Now for a bit of irony, we see the Dipshits sitting down to 
lunch with Daddy and Dennis, bowing their heads in prayer 
before eating. Oh ho ho...yeah. Then there's a strangely 
choreographed scene with Jack and Ty shouting and pushing each 
other around a room that apparently has no furniture. Ty asks 
if Sandy's all right, Jack says no, you moron. Ty says he 
wants to see her, Jack threatens to do him bodily harm if he 
tries, spits in face and leaves. Ouch.

Back with the Dipshit clan outside as Ty storms toward them. 
Daddy restrains him as he shouts "if you weren't my fucking 
brothers, I'd fucking *kill* you!" #2 asks what his fucking 
problem is. Ty says he's never going to fucking forgive them. 
Dennis tells him to calm the fuck down. Ty tells Dennis to 
stay the fuck out of his sight, says something garbled and 
incomprehensible and mutters "fucking assholes." Daddy asks 
what the problem is. Ty says "these fucking guys" tried to 
rape his "girl". #1 says she was begging for it. EXCUSE ME?!?! 
What a male chauvinistic, wife beating bastard. Somebody shoot 
him, please. Ty says "fuck you, scumbag." Ah...family feuds... 
I'm getting all misty-eyed over here... Dennis takes the 
Dipshits out of Ty's line of sight and Daddy reminds him that 
they *are* his brothers, as if that's any consolation. Ty says 
he wants them to leave. Daddy says "son, we'll leave this 
place when we get goddamn good and ready and not a minute 
sooner." Why? Why why why why WHY?! Oh, and the fuck count? 
Ninety-four. And I can't even blame Dennis this time since it 
mostly came from Ty.

The three stooges are all by Ty's car when he goes to leave. 
They stare at each other for a few beats before Ty punches 
both Dipshits a couple times while Dennis just stands there 
laughing. Then Ty gets in the car and drives off as Dipshit #1 
says "I think he's pissed." Snicker.

Ty goes to see Sandy, but is stopped by Jack. Of course. Ty 
says he found the guys who attacked Sandy and they're his 
brothers. Yeah, because that's gonna make Jack feel *so* much 
better... Meanwhile, Dennis asks the Dipshits just what the 
fuck they were thinking attacking Ty's girlfriend in his 
fucking house. They ask how the fuck they were supposed to 
know who she was. "She should've said something!" Yeah, and 
how was she supposed to do that with your hand covering her 
mouth, you moron? Asshole. Dennis shakes his head and calls 
them "fuckin' retards". #1 says "What's your point?" Heh.

Bar. Jack runs in and yanks Max and Useless 2.0 out the door 
while the bartender looks confused. Meanwhile, Ty and Sandy 
are just staring at each other, holding hands. Not... 
saying...a word...just...staring. Okay then.

Wherever the heck that hot tub/mini bar combination is. The 
one where Dennis revealed his obsession with the Kennedys? 
Yeah, the beach boys find the Dipshits smoking cigarettes, 
snorting coke and downing enough booze to float a small 
sailboat. Jack says we're looking for Ty, are you expecting 
him? Dipshit #1 says yeah, maybe. Jack asks if they can sit 
and wait for him. Dipshit #1 says sure. Fine. Whatever.

So, after they've all gotten themselves higher than a rocket, 
Dipshit #1 says that he hates the beach and he hates sand. Max 
says "You're from the *desert* man..." Pfffft. Apparently, 
that's exactly why - he's sick of it. Somehow they get into an 
argument and start name-calling. Dipshit #1 announces that 
he'd like to make a toast...to his gun, and slams it on the 
table. Dipshit #2 says "hear hear!" and slams an exact 
duplicate of his brother's gun on the table. Useless 2.0 asks 
if they have matching socks and underwear too. Dipshit #1 says 
yes, actually, they do. Useless laughs and says guys like them 
are all alike: greasy hair, smoke cigarettes "like it's some 
kind of fucking art form or something", can't surf, "and worst 
of all, whenever shit gets the least bit dicey, you guys 
always gotta pull a fucking gun."

Jack interrupts Useless 2.0's suicide attempt by making a 
toast to Sandy, only he calls her Sand. Okay, so that would 
suggest that the movie is named after her...and her face is 
the most prominent on the box cover...and yet the back of the 
box only talks about Ty and Michael's name comes first in the 
credits? What the fuck? Anyway. Dipshit #1 wants to know who 
the fuck Sand is. Jack says he should know her. "What, you're 
not gonna drink to my sister?" How would they know that some 
random woman they didn't even realize was their brother's 
girlfriend is this guy's sister? Methinks I smell a plot hole. 
Dipshit #1 breaks a bottle over Jack's head and they all jump 
in the hot tub for a fist-fight. Why? Because it's there and 
it looks cool, that's why. And the fuck count has officially 
cleared 100. It's at 120 to be exact. I'm not kidding.

So, when Jack talks to Sandy later he's got a bruise on his 
eye and is acting annoyingly cocky and macho. Sandy is not 
happy, of course. "I just want this whole thing to go away," 
she moans.

Daddy and Dennis enter the pool area to find the Dipshits duck 
taped to a wooden support beam. Daddy and Dennis - loving, 
caring relatives that they are - laugh so hard they nearly pee 
themselves. They take their sweet time removing the tape from 
the boys' mouths. And since both Dipshits are yelling and 
swearing at the same time the numbers on the fuck-o-meter are 
probably going to be *approximate* from here on out. As in, we 
are now *approximately* at 137.

Later, the Dipshits are in their hotel room. #2 is jumping up 
and down on the bed in his underwear (great, I really needed 
THAT image) to some sort of really loud heavy metal. Dipshit 
#1 yells at him to turn "that fucking shit-ass music" down and 
Dipshit #2 turns it *up*. Outside, Ty confronts Daddy and 
tells him about the Dipshits getting in a fight with his 
girlfriend's brother. Daddy says he'll "talk to 'em". Yeah 
right. Lot of good that'll do. Ty, frustrated, asks him to 
"just put 'em in the car and take them home before someone 
gets hurt." Daddy says "I'm sorry son, I can't do that quite 
yet." WHY?! Why why why why WHY? Because he's masochistic? 
Because he wants to make sure his only *sane* offspring ends 
up needing therapy? I DON'T GET IT! Daddy goes into the hotel 
room and gets Dipshit #2 to finally turn the music down. He 
tells them they're supposed to be lying low..."I don't want 
this shit to go any further." They say 'yes daddy' like good 
little boys, but of course they're lying.

The car of ironic-but-not-so-intelligent conversations. The 
Dipshits are bitching about Tyler. #1 asks what is "up with 
him" and says Ty's starting to 'piss him off'. Oh, belive me 
pal, the feeling is mutual! He continues to say that Daddy was 
right and "women are the source of all the fuckin' shit in 
this world." If it makes you feel better, sure, we'll leave 
you to that delusion. Dipshit #2 shakes his head and says 
"choosin' pussy over family...what's his fuckin' morals?" Oh 
ho ho that's a good one. ::cough::irony::cough::.

So the Dipshits ambush Jack on the beach. Yeah, like that'll 
accomplish anything. They point guns at his head and Jack, who 
has suddenly turned suicidal, taunts them. "Go ahead! I always 
thought I'd die on this beach anyway." Dipshit #1 puts a 
silencer on his gun and pauses just long enough for Trip to 
show up and smack them away from Jack with a really big stick. 
"MVP. Pacific Coast Little League. 1982," he says proudly. 
Then he and Jack start talking about baseball while Trip 
smacks the Dipshits a couple more times. Heh.

Meanwhile, Daddy and Dennis are in their hotel room playing 
cards and discussing the Dipshits. Dennis mentions their 
little...ahem...run in with Ty's girlfriend. Daddy says "yeah, 
that was a little ugly." Really? You think?! Then he says "I 
know you're thinkin' about goin' back to Boston...I was 
thinking maybe you could take 'em with you." Dennis splutters 
and says "oh, no fuckin' way!" Daddy asks what would be so bad 
about it. Hmm...you want the short list or the long one? They 
could get "some Eastern culture". Oh, don't make me laugh. 
Dennis says sure he'll take them back "and I'll cut their 
balls off and dump 'em in Charles River, how's that?" Sounds 
like a plan to me! Woooo!

And Ty and Sandy are still staring at each other silently. 
Apparently they don't TALK to each other anymore...

Max is reading poetry aloud...to no one when he is interrupted 
by the Dipshits. They threaten to "bring the hurt" on him if 
he doesn't tell them where Jack is. Max, still not the 
brightest bulb in the box, says "you can hurt me all you want 
you ugly motherfucker." Dipshit #2 pulls out a knife and asks 
if he's ever been bled before. Eep.

Sandy calls Jack at the bar and says "Maxie just called, it 
sounds like he's really hurt bad." Okay, why did he call Ty's 
house? I'm assuming that's where she is... And *how* did he 
call? It doesn't look like *any* of these people have cell 
phones! You know what? Just forget it. Jack grabs Useless 2.0 
(I think. To be honest I could very well be referring to 
multiple characters by that title but I have no idea. They all 
look the same and none of them are really important) and runs 
out the door...colliding with the Dipshits. Dipshit #1 asks 
where Sandy is and threatens to rape her right in front of 
Jack. Oh, yeah, taunt the fiercely protective brother when you 
already know he can win a fist-fight against you. There's a 
good idea. Jack says she's on the pier. What?

The Dipshits escort Jack and Useless 2.0 to the pier and 
find...nobody. Of course. "Any last words, motherfucker," 
Dipshit #2 asks, waving his gun at Jack. Jack says yes, 
actually, and he and Useless 2.0 start that annoying sacred 
canoe chant or whatever it is. You can see where this is 
going, right? They all start shouting at once, and the fuck-o-
meter spins out of control, landing on 186 as Jack and Useless 
tackle the Dipshits, crashing through the fence and into the 
water. The Dipshits bodies wash ashore the next day and I 
wonder exactly how it is that they ended up dead while Jack 
and Useless 2.0 came out of it without so much as a *scratch*.

Daddy, Dennis and Ty talk to a cop on the beach. Cop asks if 
Daddy knows "who these gentlemen are." What gentlemen? Where? 
You mean the assholes in the body bags? Pfffffft. Dennis 
answers for Daddy. Cop says he's really sorry. Well, don't be. 
The remaining Briggs clan walk several feet away and just 
*stop*. Ty and Daddy stare at each other while Ty shakes his 
head wondering why nobody ever listens to him. Then Ty turns 
to Dennis and they burst into a stream of insults or 
something. It's impossible to tell what they're saying since 
they're both talking at the same time, but I'm guessing 
somewhere in there is a 'fuck you, you fucking motherfucker. 
FUCK!' At any rate, my fuck-o-meter decided it couldn't deal 
with this much stress and crapped out so I'm on my own now.

Ty finds Jack and tells him to take Sandy and leave before 
Daddy finds them. "What if I don't," Jack snarks. "You 
obviously don't realize how ugly my father can get!" Literally 
or figuratively, Ty? And why can't these two talk to each 
other any more without getting into alpha male pissing 
contests and invading so far into each other's personal space 
that I almost expect them to start making out? Uh...note to 
self: stop reading so many slash fanfics. Sandy tries to break 
up the little closet-lover's spat. Jack says he'll go talk to 
Daddy and settle the whole thing. Ty asks if he's lost his 
mind. "He'll fucking *kill* you!" Meanwhile, Daddy's loading 
his gun and Dennis is trying to talk him out of doing 
something stupid. Dennis seems to think they should go home, 
wait a couple of months, come back and *then* kill Jack. 
Lovely. Daddy's having none of it, though.

Jack 'n' Sandy's place. Jack barrels out the door. Sandy asks 
where he thinks he's going. He says he's going to put a stop 
to this shit. She points out that he *started* it in the first 
place. She says she appreciates him sticking up for her, but 
he's going a bit overboard. He says yeah, okay, but I'm still 
going. In one ear...

Ty finds Daddy, whose plan to find Jack seems to be sitting by 
the side of a road near the beach and hoping he'll just happen 
to walk by. He tells Ty that he thinks Dennis already left. Ty 
says he's leaving too, right? Right?! "Soon," Daddy says 
cryptically. "What do you mean soon," Ty asks warily. He means 
after Jack is six feet under, you idiot, what did you think he 
meant? Jack shows up and starts mocking Daddy right off the 
bat. Ty starts wrestling Daddy for the gun. Jack repeats what 
Useless 2.0 told the Dipshits about always pulling guns. Yeah, 
that's a good idea, Jack. Taunt the angry man with the gun. 
Obviously, he has a death wish. 

"You little punk," Daddy growls. "I'm gonna..." "Yeah, what 
are you gonna do," Jack goads. "Shoot me?" Ty, fed up with 
this idiocy, wrenches the gun from Daddy's hand and shoots 
Jack himself. Or maybe that's what *I* would do if I were him. 
Sandy arrives as the gun fires randomly and Ty yells at her to 
"get him out of here!" Yes, please do. She does. Daddy shoves 
Ty aside and gives chase. Ty follows. It looks like Ty is the 
only one actually *running* here. The others are just sort 
of...jogging lazily. I know Daddy is an out-of-shape old fart 
but what's Jack and Sandy's excuse? Daddy manages to shoot 
Jack in the leg before Ty tackles him to the ground. They 
continue wrestling for the gun as Sandy twitters inefficiently 
over Jack. 

"You son of a bitch," Sandy screams at Daddy. Honey, with his 
attitude I'm sure Jack was going to get himself shot 
*eventually*. I have no sympathy for him anymore, can you 
tell? Overconfident kamikaze ass. Ty tries to reason with 
Daddy while they're still wrestling around. He says this isn't 
going to bring the Dipshits back (and really, who would want 
to anyway?) and "don't insult mom's memory any more than we 
already have!" Oh please...it didn't make sense before and it 
doesn't make sense now Little Johnny One-Note! Gah! He finally 
grabs the gun and helps Sandy carry Jack to a doctor while 
Daddy watches sadly and the faux-Enya music starts up again. 
Wait for it...BINGO! Same friggin' black and white memory of 
mommy dearest!

Fade to Tyler sitting on top of that big ass rock that I get 
vertigo just *looking* at. Sandy approaches and he climbs 
down. Then they walk down the beach with their arms wrapped 
around each other...a little too close to the water. A wave 
about waist-high smacks into them before the screen goes black 
and the credits roll. I'm guessing if the shot went on any 
longer we'd see them land on their asses in the sand with a 
mouthful of water.

For some reason I can't bring myself to dislike this movie. 
The plot is mostly boring and pointless and it could certainly 
have toned down the language a bit so it wasn't so damn 
distracting. The final fuck count came to 203. I'm certainly 
not a prude when it comes to profanity, but there is a point 
when it's just excessive and unnecessary. Namely, when I'm 
spending more time counting the number of times a variation of 
"fuck" is used than I am paying attention to the plot.

This movie is, however, visually interesting. And for the most 
part, the actors are fun to watch - especially Dennis (despite 
the fact that almost every sentence that comes out of his 
mouth contains enough expletives to rival a Quentin Tarantino 
film...well, *almost*...I *hated* "True Romance"...). But if 
you're looking for a movie with a good plot that doesn't 
require everybody to swear like a drunken sailor then you 
might want to try something else.

~Diandra