The Intrepid. Will is bandaging Liz's hand in some room below deck that has very good lighting despite the apparent lack of windows. He asks why she told them her name was Turner. She stares at him like a starving dog would stare at a big fat steak and says, "I don't know." Except for the staring part because she's apparently still deeply in denial. She flinches and he apologizes, babbling something about his hands being rough. She insists they're not and puts his hand on her thigh to prove it. [WHACK!] Diandra: What the...how was that a slash joke? Chrissy: Oh...oops. Sorry. Diandra: I mean, I know Will looks kinda feminine and all, but... Chrissy: Okay, that's it! [WHACK!] Diandra: Okay, you're gonna have to ease up a bit there, chica, or I'll have to do something drastic. Chrissy: Like what? I hate to tell you, but you hit like a girl. Diandra: I was thinking more along the lines of using your Johnny Depp collection for kindling. Chrissy: (gasp) You wouldn't dare! Diandra: Try me. Ahem. More awkwardness that vaguely resembles sexual tension. Will leans forward like he's gonna kiss her and she stops him. Chrissy: (shriek) YOU IDIOT! Diandra: Well...she's still the Governor's daughter and Norri did ask her to marry him...(sees Chrissy giving her a death glare) All right, so she's a masochist. She gives him the medallion, saying it's his. And considering the last twelve hours or so I'm sure she'd want to get as far away from that bloody thing as she can. He says it was a gift from Daddy Dearest. She admits that she took it from him because she was "afraid" he was a pirate. Yeah. That makes sense. Sure. For those of us in the audience too brain damaged to have figured it out by now, Will says very blatantly that the Not-So-Merry-Men need *his* blood to break the curse because his Daddy was a pirate. I'm going to pretend this makes sense to me. Then he clenches his jaw and slams the medallion on the table. Uh-oh, quick! Hide all the knives! Liz, wisely, scampers away. Heh. Back on the Pearl, Barbossa is saying, "so you expect to leave me standing on some beach with nothing but a name and your word it's the one I need and watch you sail away with my ship?" Jack says no, of course not! He'd sail away first (on *his* ship) and shout the name back to him. Barbossa looks at Jack like he just suggested the "mutinous" captain should put on a dress and run around the room flapping his arms and clucking like a chicken. Jack points out that *he's* not the one who committed mutiny against his captain, so he's actually the more trustworthy of the two of them. Then he snags an apple and sits, putting his feet up on the table like it's his ship or some...oh. He says he should probably thank Barbossa for marooning him, actually, because it saved him from being cursed along with the rest of the Not-So-Merry-Men. Barbossa just glares at Jack, wondering why the hell he didn't just torture the information out of him. The BBBG enters and announces that they're gaining on the Intrepid. Barbossa goes up on deck to verify this by looking through a telescope, but all he sees is a close up of Jack's big mouth. Jack says he's "having a thought." That must be painful (rim shot). "Run up the flag of truce" and try to bargain with the Hapless Crew for the medallion. Barbossa says this is why he overthrew Jack and took over his job: he's a pansy. "People are easier to search when they're dead." He takes the half-eaten apple from Jack as BBBG drags him away, stares at it for a moment and throws it overboard. Hmm... that's actually a funny little moment, it just doesn't work well in type. On the Intrepid, Liz emerges from below decks, hastily readjusting her clothes and finger-combing her mussed hair. Yeah, I wish. Anamaria...can I just call her Ana? Ana informs Liz that the Pearl is gaining on them. "But this is the fastest ship in the Caribbean," Liz splutters. Ana says good, you can tell them that while they're tearing the Intrepid up into driftwood. I like her. They start babbling in nautical terms and I loose track of what the hell is going on. Something about dumping shit overboard to lose some weight. Meanwhile, BBBG is throwing Jack into a holding cell on the Pearl. Jack looks at the water covering the floor and informs him there's a leak. Like he cares. Intrepid. Liz's brilliant plan failed. Will shows up and announces that they have to make a stand and fight. Of course he does, we already know he's aaaall for the dramatics. Ana points out that they threw all the cannonballs overboard. Will says they should load the guns with whatever they have then. Cut to below decks where the Hapless Crew loads the cannons with silverware and Gibbs' rum (I'm assuming) flask. Now Ana, Liz and Will are all babbling away in sailor speak. Lalalalala look at the way Will's hair is flying around. This is why I'm glad I don't have curly hair. My hair is enough of a mess when it's windblown, I can't imagine trying to brush *that* mess. Huh? Oh, sorry. They drop anchor and the ship does a 180 at high speed without capsizing or people being thrown across the deck hard enough to cause concussions and induce vomiting. Oh, who am I kidding? Like there's any realism *anywhere* in this movie? The two ships start blasting at each other from a distance of about ten feet, which I find amusing for some reason. Jack ducks as a blast goes through his cell and yelps, "stop blowing holes in my ship!" Larry gets a fork stuck in his eye. Oh, how Disney. Also? AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! EW EW EW EW EW! Have I mentioned that I have issues with things coming at my eyes? Admittedly, I've gotten better about it since I started wearing contacts, but...[shivers in revulsion]. Bang. Boom. Crash. Screaming. Jack picks up Gibbs' flask and realizes that the door to his cell has been blown open. Liz, Will and Gibbs are shooting rifles at the Not-So-Merry- Men. Is anyone else wondering what makes them think it's a good idea to get into a fight where the other side can't be killed but they can? Anyone? Gibbs says something about a Devil's Dowry and Ana points a gun at Liz, snarling, "we'll give 'em her!" Will responds to this, naturally, by pointing his rifle at Ana and saying she'll do that over his dead body. What? What do mean 'no he doesn't'? You mean he actually doesn't go straight to threats this time? Chrissy: Who are you talking to? Diandra: Shh, it's just your imagination. Look, it's Johnny Depp! Chrissy: Where? Actually, he very calmly tells her that Liz isn't the one they want. Yeah, but do you want to explain why they would want to kidnap *you* instead of a pretty woman with a rich daddy, Will? Liz realizes they left the medallion below decks and we get a full on shot of Keira's perky breasts. Ah. Wonderbra. Will scrambles down the hatch to retrieve it and gets knocked over by the blast when a cannonball flies through the room RIGHT behind him. It also snaps the mast in two, which crash lands onto the deck of the Pearl and blocks Will's exit. The Not-So- Merry-Men cast lines onto the Intrepid. More fighting. Will, waist deep in water, gives up on the medallion and starts banging on the ceiling, shouting for help. Of course, even if anyone *could* hear him, they're kinda busy at the moment. Dreadlocks and Biker Dude board the Intrepid and start spreading gunpowder. Jack enters the fray and swings over to the Intrepid, knocking one of the Not-So-Merry-Men from Gibbs. He hands Gibbs his flask and gripes that it's empty. Gibbs looks baffled. While Will is doing his impersonation of Jack Dawson below deck, the monkey slinks in, grabs the medallion and scampers off. Up top, Jack asks Liz where the medallion is. She says something I'm assuming to be very 'unladylike' and goes to slap him. Jack, tired of being slapped by angry women, catches her wrist and asks where *Will* is. She gasps and darts over to attempt dislodging the fallen mast from the hatch. Jack sees the monkey escaping with the medallion and chases it, coming to a halt in front of Barbossa, whose shoulder the monkey perches on. "Why thank you, Jack," Barbossa smarms. Jack says he's welcome and Barbossa says "not you, we named the monkey 'Jack'." Aw. How sweet. They must have missed him after they left him on some island TO DIE. Back on the Titanic, Will takes his last breath and the room completely fills with water. He starts swimming, presumably looking for another way out. Dreadlocks and Biker Dude light the gunpowder and bolt. And we're with the rest of the Hapless Crew, who have been taken hostage by the Not-So-Merry-Men. Curly warns them to not even *think* of saying the word "Parley", or he'll tell them all about his relationship with that Eunuch or something (shudder). Because the Not-So-Merry- Men are so incompetent that they can't even tie their hostages securely, Liz easily shrugs out of the ropes and marches to the side of the ship. Although I don't know where she thinks she's going because the Intrepid's about a mile away now. Aaaand BOOM! She freezes, horrified, and whimpers, "Will." Yeah, like he's really dead. Haven't we gone through this already? They could probably shoot him multiple times, tie weights to him and throw him in a pool of sharks and he'd survive. Especially if the Not-So-Merry-Men tied the weights. Liz jumps on Barbossa in a hissy fit and he just throws her to the crew, saying something about her "taking advantage" of their "hospitality" and it's payback time. Ah, so we *are* going to address that now? No one notices as Will crawls up onto the deck. God. He managed to swim that far in a short amount of time AND HE'S BARELY EVEN WET! In the real world, his hair would be a soggy, knotted mass at least partially covering his face, his clothes would be plastered to him and water would be POURING off him in sheets, forming a large puddle on the deck. Instead, his hair has come loose from its ponytail but managed to stay neatly styled and he's *slightly* damp. Chrissy: Honey? Breathe. Diandra: I'm sorry, but this is just BUGGING me. (Breath) Suspension of disbelief. Suspension of disbelief... oooooohhhhhhhmmmmmmm... Will grabs a conveniently placed pistol (sigh), points it at Barbossa and demands that he let Liz go free. Barbossa asks if Will just got off the short bus or something because we've already established that he and his Not-So-Merry-Men can't be killed. Jack stage-whispers "don't do anything stupid" to Will. Will jumps on the railing and puts the gun to his own head. "Like that," Jack sighs. Hee! Luckily for Will, Barbossa thinks to ask who he is. Otherwise there wouldn't be much incentive for them to keep him from killing himself now, would there? Like I said, Will obviously has trouble thinking things through before actually doing them. Jack tries to tell Barbossa that Will is some distant relative of his and he's a Eunuch (again with the Eunuch thing?!), but he has a lovely singing voice. Will rolls his eyes and pitches the gun at the back of Jack's head. No, not really, but that could have been funny. Will says he's Bootstrap Turner's son and, in the strangest hostage situation ever, threatens to blow his *own* head off if they don't do what he says. Barbossa agrees to free Liz and asks if he'd like anything else. Perhaps a big fluffy towel and some Vallium? Jack points to himself frantically. Will ignores him and orders that the Hapless Crew not be harmed. Jack glares at him as if his eyes can shoot poison darts. Barbossa gives us a nice close-up of his ugly face and rotting teeth as he smarms, "agreed." Off the coast of some uninhabited island paradise the Not-So- Merry-Men force Liz to walk the plank. Will (whose hands are tied, but since the rope looks about as secure as the one Liz shrugged off I'm thinking they’re pretty useless) yelps that Barbossa promised to free her. Barbossa says yes, but you didn't say when or where I should do that so nyah nyah nyah. A couple of the Not-So-Merry-Men hold Will back and shove a gag in his mouth. Barbossa asks Liz for the dress back. She throws it at him as the Not-So-Merry-Men whistle and whoop and generally act like a bunch of pigs. Will is struggling against the men holding him...still gagged. Chrissy: Sweetie, could you not drool on me so much? Liz dawdles until BBBG gets impatient and knocks her off the plank. We get a reaction from Will...still gagged. Chrissy: Dude! Cut it out already! You're gonna drown me! Diandra: Oh...sorry. Chrissy: And you think *I* have issues? Diandra: What's that guy behind Will doing anyway? Chrissy: Looks like he's coping a feel... [WHACK!] Hey! You tricked me! [Diandra blows a raspberry at Chrissy] The Not-So-Merry-Men push Jack toward the plank, kicking and squealing like the big sissy he is. [Chrissy glares at Diandra] [Diandra smirks at Chrissy] Barbossa points out that the island is the same one they ditched Jack on before so maybe he can come up with the same miraculous escape he did then although he really doubts it. Sigh. If they can't kill Will, what the heck makes them think they can kill Jack? He agrees to leave Jack his pistol (still with the one shot) just like last time. He says Jack can blow Liz's head off and starve to death himself. Diandra: Hey, where's the reaction shot of Will? Chrissy: Don't make me turn the hose on you! I'll do it! *Paradise Island. Liz walks aaaall the way around the perimeter of the island. This takes her about five minutes. Meanwhile, Jack futzes with his pistol. Now, I'm certainly no expert on 18th century weapons (or any weapons for that matter), but wouldn't that thing be pretty useless after being submerged under water? Anyway, when Liz gets back, Jack says "It's not all that big is it?" (Diandra dissolves into a fit of giggling). Liz tells him to get it over with and shoot her. He asks who shoved a torch up her ass and she accuses him of trading Will for a ship. Jack points out that he was actually trying to keep them from knowing about Will because as long as they didn't he had something to bargain with. Er...yeah, I... yeah. But of course, "bloody stupid Will" had to go and fuck up his plan. After Liz yanks her foot back out of her mouth, she points out that Will risked his life for them and they should save him. Jack says 'yeah, sure, and then we can sprout wings, join a pack of flying monkeys and ride the Trade Winds all the way to China because that's NOT BLOODY LIKELY.'* Liz points out - for those of us who missed it the first five times - that Jack escaped from Paradise Island once before so why don't they just do whatever he did then and head on back to Kansas. Basically, their conversation goes like this: Liz: How did you escape? Jack: Who cares? By the time we catch up to them they'll be using Will's liver as bait. Liz: How did you escape? How did you escape? How did you escape? How did you escape? How did you escape? Jack: (ignores her and staggers around drunkenly, trying to find something) Liz: HOW DID YOU ESCAPE ASSHOLE?!?!?!?! He finally tells her he bartered passage with the rum runners who used a cute little rum cellar built into the island for storage three days after he was marooned. Liz is not impressed. "That's it? You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum?" He hands her a bottle and says, "Welcome to the Caribbean, love." Hee! *Liz, who obviously has nothing better to do, keeps needling, asking if the other legends about him are bullshit too. He shows her a nasty scar on his arm and two old bullet wounds in his chest and asks 'what do *you* think?' She whimpers that they still have to do something about Will. He says sure, raises his bottle and declares "here's luck to you, Will." Liz rolls her eyes, plops down next to him, mutters "drink up me 'earties yo ho" and starts drinking. Jack looks at her like she's grown antennae and started speaking Pig Latin. She says she learned That Blasted Song as a child. He thinks she should teach it to him. She says she's not nearly drunk enough for *that*. Yet.* Later that night, Jack and Liz - both thoroughly trashed - dance around a bonfire singing That Blasted Song at the top of their lungs. They land on their asses in the sand and Jack gives some drunken speech about freedom and the Pearl while Liz watches his mouth with all the fascination of a stoner. Must be the gold teeth. Oooo...shiny! She snuggles against him, mumbling something about how awful it must have been for him to be marooned on this sand trap and blah blah he's not paying any attention. He's mentally doing a little happy dance and thinking "I'm getting lucky tonight!" He wraps his arm around her shoulders and says 'at least the company is better this time'. Then he kisses her passionately and starts undoing what's left of her clothes. Chrissy: Um...dude? She climbs into his lap and rips clumsily at his shirt... Chrissy: Dee? They roll around in the sand while they finish removing the rest of each other's clothes and -- Chrissy: DIANDRA! Diandra: What? Chrissy: What are you doing? Diandra: I'm seeing if I can push the rating of this recap from an "R" to an "NC-17". Chrissy: Well, stop it. Diandra: (grumble) Fine. Actually, she just looks at his hand like it's a hissing snake and says she's not THAT drunk. They make another toast and Jack drinks until he passes out. Next morning. We return to the previous bickering match when Jack wakes to find Liz using the last of the rum to set fire to the nearby trees. He protests that she's destroying their food, shade, and - most importantly - rum. She reminds him that her Daddy has sent the entire Royal Navy searching for her and they can't miss a thousand-foot-high smoke signal (although I wouldn't be sure since they're not very bright). Jack has a comical debate with himself over whether or not he should shoot her after all and takes a walk to calm himself. He sees the Dodge headed their way and mutters something about her never letting him live this down. Heh. Dodge. Liz is continuing her Save Will campaign. Norri says it's "regrettable" (ha!) that Will is going to die, but... well...tough shit. Jack takes over for Liz, apparently thinking that Norri is more likely to listen to a *pirate*, who really has no reason to give a rat's ass about Will, than to the woman he is trying to impress. After a lot of back and forth and going in circles Liz begs Norri to do this for her as a wedding present. Let me get this straight. She's agreeing to marry this guy - who she has no attraction to whatsoever - just so he'll rescue the guy she does? That's just...wrong. And completely transparent. But because Norri is inherently gullible (and dumb as a freakin' rock) he agrees to do it. Prison on the Pearl. Will is in one cell and all the rest of the Hapless Crew is in the other. Larry and Curly are attempting to mop up the water all over the floor. Will, obviously bored out of his mind, starts asking Curly about Daddy Turner. Instead of telling him to shut his piehole or he'll be gutted and thrown to the sharks, Curly practically pulls up a chair and spills the whole story. He must be desperate for the company of somebody who doesn't turn into something out of a haunted house funride at the sight of a full moon...which apparently happens every night in Pirate Land. Anyway, Daddy Dearest was a member of their crew until he started complaining about the way they threw Jack out like yesterday's trash. So he shipped one of the Coins of Doom to Will as a birthday present because he thought the Not-So- Merry-Men deserved to be cursed. They resolved this conflict by strapping him to a cannon and throwing him overboard. Will has virtually NO reaction whatsoever. Um...what? Okay, I'm starting to think that Will was abducted by aliens and this is some sort of replicant because I would think Will would be reaching through the bars to strangle Curly at this point. At the very least, he'd be trying to burn a hole in that shiny head with his eyes. Instead he just stares at the floor, searching for his missing balls. Jack and Norri sit in a lifeboat outside the Cave of No Return, looking at the suddenly-empty-but-for-the-Hapless- Crew-and-two-lone-Not-So-Merry-Men Pearl, strategizing. Well, Jack is strategizing. Norri is just pursing his lips and adjusting the stick up his ass. Jack's plan is to go in and convince Barbossa to send his boys out so Norri and Co. can blast the shit out of them. He asks what they have to lose. "Nothing I'd lament being rid of," Norri grumbles. Hee! Jack says 'gee, thanks, I love you too.' [WHACK!] No, I didn't mean it like *that*! Sheesh. Then he points out that it's still going to be dangerous and mentions Liz. Over on the Dodge, Norri's men lock Liz in a cabin while she shrieks and snarls that "this is Jack Sparrow's doing!" I guess Jack has learned that Liz is just as impulsive as Will and doesn't want to take any chances. Heh. Cave of Ridiculously Overdramatic Blood Rituals. Curly is leading Will - hands tied behind his back, medallion around his neck - and reassuring him like he's a child getting a booster shot. 'It'll just be a little prick...there won't even be much blood, really! You'll barely even feel it!' And all the other BS the doctor tells you before he whips out a needle the size of a baseball bat. Biker Dude says 'uh, actually, we were planning on bleeding him dry. We've killed one Turner already, might as well take out the rest of the family.' Barbossa starts making the same long pompous speech he made last time. Oy. Thankfully, Jack shows up and mercifully cuts him short. Barbossa's eyes practically bulge out of his skull. If he were a cartoon character, his jaw would have crashed into the floor. Will gasps "Jack!" Presumably, he's just relieved that Jack is saving his sorry ass. Chrissy: (raises hand and freezes, confused) Um...could you at least make it clear when you're making a slash joke and when you're not? ...although I suppose it could also have something to do with Jack seeing him bent over the Chest 'o' Gold with another guy standing behind him... [WHACK!] Chrissy: Thank you. Diandra: You're welcome. "It's not possible," Barbossa mutters. "Not *probable*," Jack corrects. Will buts in to ask where the hell Liz is. I'm thinking you should worry less about your Not-So-Girlfriend (tm Sarah) and more about the DAGGER aimed at your jugular, sweetie. Jack assures him that she's safe, like he promised, she's promised to marry Norri and Will's gonna die for her after all. "So we're all men of our word really...except [Liz], who is, in fact, a woman." Are you sure, Jack? Did you check? Barbossa has had enough of this and snaps "shut up! You're next!" Heh. I love this overboard, bad guy caricature Geoffrey Rush is doing. It's fun. Barbossa bends Will over the chest and...uh...[WHACK!!] Chrissy: EW! Did you have to put THAT image in my head?! Diandra: Sorry. Here, here's a barf bag. Have at it. Barbossa holds the knife to Will's throat and hesitates just long enough for Jack to inform him that this is a bad idea. Barbossa rolls his eyes almost all the way to the back of his head and mutters "I'm getting too old for this shit." I wish. He asks what the hell the problem is now. Jack announces that the Dodge is waiting outside. Speaking of which, Norri is proving himself to be a complete, uptight horse's ass by ordering his men to follow a new plan that is in complete opposition to Jack's. Paranoid much? Jack lays out the plan to Barbossa. The Not-So-Merry-Men will go out and pound Norri's men into oblivion (that means "kill" for those of you with your minds in the gutter [WHACK!] like Chrissy). They can capture the Dodge, let Jack captain the Pearl again and Barbossa can call himself Commodore of his own two-boat fleet. It sounds like there's more in that for Jack, but whatever. "I suppose in exchange you want me not to kill the *whelp*," Barbossa snarls, spitting the word "whelp" so hard that Jack nearly falls over and starts rubbing his eyes frantically. Or he would if Barbossa was facing him. Jack says nonononono "by all means, kill the whelp!" Will shoots Jack a betrayed look and sobs "I thought you loved me!" [WHACK!] Or he just glares at Jack and wishes his hands weren't tied behind his back so he could rip his throat out. Jack clarifies that they should wait to break the curse for the "opportune moment". He gives Will a Significant Look as he says this, practically winking conspiratorially. He picks up several coins and continues yammering away, dropping them back into the chest one by one, except for the last one which he obviously conceals in slow motion. But because Barbossa and his Not-So-Merry-Men have turnips for brains Will is the only one who notices. This makes him snarl at Jack and accuse him of planning this all along. Jack looks at Will like he just revealed that he arrived via spaceship from some planet where impulsive idiots are worshipped like gods and says 'ya think?' Barbossa interrupts their little spat to say he wants 50 percent of Jack's "plunder" in order to go for his idea. They finally agree to 25 percent and a nice, big hat. Snerk. Barbossa orders his Not-So-Merry-Men to "take a walk" and they scatter. "Not to the boats," Jack asks, confused. Barbossa just looks at him like he can't believe he used to take orders from this candy-ass nincompoop. [WHACK!] Excuse me for a moment... [Diandra grabs a copy of "Chocolat" and a lighter] Chrissy: No! I'm sorry! I forgot! [Diandra moves the flame close to one corner threateningly] Chrissy: Only slash jokes! I promise! Diandra: (releasing the "hostage" and returning to the keyboard) Good. Let's move on, shall we? Chrissy: Wait a minute...this is *your* tape! Diandra: I know (smirk). Chrissy: In that case...(flicks lighter and holds it close to the tape) Do you promise to stop making fun of Johnny Depp? Diandra: You do realize that that threat doesn't work on me right? Chrissy: Damnit... We get a cool underwater shot of the Not-So-Merry-Men walking across the ocean floor, scaring the crap out of a bunch of fish and turning into skeletons. Meanwhile, Larry and Curly row a lifeboat out into the open to distract Norri's men, dressed in the women's clothes they found in that trunk earlier, the parasol hiding their ugly skeletal faces. "This is just like the Greeks done in Troy," Larry babbles excitedly. Except they weren't wearing women's clothes. And they were trying to get into the city not just provide a distraction. And they probably weren't speaking grammatically poor English. Anyway... On the Dodge, Gov. Daddy parks himself outside Liz's room and begins a one-sided, father-daughter heart-to-heart. I-just- love-hyphens! He says that even "good" decisions can be "bad" if they're made for the wrong reasons, although in this case I'm thinking it was a bad decision all around. He finally realizes that she's not responding and opens the door to find...nobody because Liz has made a makeshift rope and escaped out the window. Curly finally gets tired of Larry always stealing his scenes and tries to strangle him, blowing their cover and alerting Norri's men to the impending half-dead pirate invasion. And the battle begins! Treasure Cave of Blood Rituals. The boys are playing a rousing (heh) game of strip poker. Chrissy: EW! Geoffrey Rush naked? (shivers in disgust) Diandra: Hey, aren't you forgetting something? Chrissy: (raises head from barf bag) Oh, yeah. [WHACK!] Diandra: That's better. Actually, Jack is inspecting a gold statue of Buddha while Barbossa yaks about Jack being a difficult man to predict. Jack says nah, not really. "A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly." Snerk. Then he throws the statue aside and from somewhere off-screen a crew member screams and lets loose a slew of curses. Jack continues talking as if nothing happened. "It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you never know when they're gonna do something incredibly...*stupid*." He gives Will another Significant Look, then grabs the nearest guy's sword and throws it to him. Will manages to catch it and knock BBBG into the water with his hands still tied behind his back. He breaks free *far* too easily (again with the incompetent rope tying) and a Big Ass Sword Fight ensues. Yeah. Like I can recap this. Clang clang clang. There's a cute little Disney moment where Jack slices the feather on Barbossa's hat in half. Will is fighting approximately six of the Not-So-Merry-Men at once, none of whom can be killed, but since he's apparently some sort of mutant blend of Zorro, Jesus and Catwoman, he's actually *winning*. Yes, I *am* rolling my eyes right now, why? One of the guys tries to psych him out with a skeletal "booga-booga" act and then shrieks like a little girl when Will punches him. Snort. Liz climbs aboard the Pearl and a skeletal Jack the Monkey jumps in front of her and shrieks. She just glares at him. Jack the Monkey's scary face falls flat and if you listen carefully, you can almost hear a tiny "uh-oh." Cut to the two Not-So-Merry-Men on guard duty as the monkey crashes into the cannon outside their window, imaginary stars swirling over his head, and falls over into the water. Nice one, Liz, alert them to your presence. Oh, well, it's still funny. Heh. She easily evades them and goes to rescue the Hapless Crew. Dodge. More fighting. Larry and Curly join the fray. Clang clang clang. One of the soldiers manages to ring the SOS bell, alerting Norri and the rest of his men out in the lifeboats. Clang clang clang. The Not-So-Merry-Men realize that Gov. Daddy has locked himself in the cabin Liz escaped from and start breaking windows. One grabs his wig and he breaks off the hand in order to get it back. Ew. Oh, and hee. Treasure Cave. Clang clang clang. Barbossa finally gets bored and throws his sword down. Jack - who is a little slow on the uptake - runs him through with his sword. Barbossa looks at the sword and rolls his eyes, sighing at Jack's obvious stupidity, pulls it out and runs Jack through with it. Jack chokes and gasps and staggers back into the moonlight where he turns into a skeleton. How convenient. Barbossa looks confused. The Not-So-Merry-Men fighting Will take a break so he can take in this new information and also look confused. Jack whips out (no, not *that*) the coin he palmed earlier and says he "couldn't resist". And we return to our regularly scheduled fight scene. On the Dodge, Gov. Daddy is being chased around the room by the disembodied hand he ripped off one of the Not-So-Merry- Men. Yes, it looks ridiculous and yes, this is still a Disney movie. He shoves it in a desk drawer and struggles to keep it there. Cave of Invincible Pirates and One Apparently Superhuman Blacksmith. Will and a couple of Not-So-Merry-Men are doing an impression of the three stooges. Barbossa slams face-first into a wall. "Sorry," Jack yelps as he runs past, arms flapping crazily. Clang clang clang. They stop for a second and Barbossa asks why the hell they're still fighting if neither of them can kill the other. No shit. Jack suggests Barbossa surrender. Yeah, that'll happen. Jack runs (like a sissy, of course) with a comical expression on his face as Barbossa chases after him. Pearl. Liz and the Hapless Crew knock out the two Not-So- Merry-Men with a lifeboat. Liz says 'okay, now let's go save Will' and the Hapless Crew stare at their feet and fidget uncomfortably. She asks if they're really thinking of leaving Will and Jack to fend for themselves. Why not? It's not like there's any danger of them actually dying or anything. She says fuck the code; they're just guidelines! Cut to Liz paddling a lifeboat into the cave all by her onesies, muttering angrily. Hee! On the Dodge, Larry and Curly notice the Pearl sailing away and Larry shouts, "bloody pirates!" Nothing like a baseball bat of irony to the skull, eh? Then Larry's fake eye pops out and he chases it across the deck. Cave of Immortals. Crazy Burning Beard is throwing grenades at Will. Yeah, because that worked so well the first time. Sigh. He manages to disarm Will and knock him flat on his ass. Then he performs Fundamental Bad Guy Error #4: telling the hero what he's going to do to him instead of just, you know, DOING it. James Bond would be dead many times over if it weren't for this little cliché. This gives Liz enough time to arrive on the scene, stuff her bra with a couple gold coins, smoke a cigarette, locate some sort of spear or something and whack him in the head. She helps Will up and they watch Jack and Barbossa fight, both turning to skeletons every time they step in the light. She asks just who's side Jack is really on. Will shrugs and says "at the moment?" That sounds about right; 'his loyalties are flexible'. Great. Now I'm quoting "Alias". Clang clang clang. Will and Liz skewer three Not-So-Merry-Men together. Will sticks a lit grenade in the middle one (who happens to be CBB) while they're in skeletal form and pushes them back into the shadows so he can't just yank it out and lob it at Will's head. Of course, since they can't be killed, what's the point in finding new, inventive ways of killing them exactly? Jack stops fighting Barbossa for a moment and slices his own palm. Then he throws the bloodied coin to Will, who has apparently teleported himself over to the coin chest. I'd swear he was no where *near* that thing a second ago. Barbossa calmly pulls his pistol and points it at Liz. There's a shot that we're supposed to assume signals Lizzie's tragic demise but of course doesn't really. Barbossa smiles at Jack, who is holding a smoking pistol. "Ten years you carry that [thing] and now you waste your shot," he smarms. Will announces he didn't and drops two bloody coins into the chest. Everybody who was surprised by this development raise your hands. Oh, shut up, you were not. Blood starts pouring from the hole Jack blew through Barbossa's heart and he falls over dead. His hand falls open and an apple rolls out. What the fuck? Where did *that* come from? Is there really any point to that other than creating another reference to Snow White so those of us who've been in a COMA for the last two and a half hours know that this is a Disney movie? I don't...I...oh, forget it. Dodge. Everyone stops, mid-clang, as the curse breaks and the Not-So-Merry-Men return to their normal, non-skeleton states. The ones that don't fall over dead immediately drop their swords and surrender. Norri's men start celebrating and Gov. Scaredy Cat comes out of hiding to join them, acting like he did something other than lock himself in a corner and whimper helplessly during the whole attack. Yes, he's definitely a politician. Probably some distant relative of the Bush's. Treasure Cave. Will and Liz stare at each other longingly while Jack paws through the piles of loot noisily. Liz says she should be getting back. Will stares at her lips, practically drooling, and says yeah, she should. Diandra enters the scene, trips over a sword some idiot left lying on the ground, gets up and slaps Will repeatedly, shouting "just KISS her you MORON!" Alas, he just stands there, staring stupidly and she leaves. Jack approaches, arms full of crap, crown on his head and says "if you were waiting for the opportune moment - that was it." Will just tackles him to the ground and kisses him hungrily. [WHACK!] Or he just gives Jack a look like he can't believe he's getting relationship advice from the lovechild of Keith Richards and RuPaul. [WHACK!] Chrissy: Ow...damn girl, my hand is really starting to hurt! Diandra: Then switch hands. Chrissy: I did. They both hurt. Diandra: Well, if you didn't keep hitting me when you're not supposed to...speaking of which, I don't think I deserved that last one. I still have your copy of "Sleepy Hollow" around here somewhere... Chrissy: That's not fair! You can't make jokes using sexually ambiguous people! It confuses me! Diandra: (grumble) Fine. Fast forward. Port Royale courtyard. Jack stands at the gallows while the Drums of Impending Death whang away. One of Norri's men opens a scroll and says "Jack Sparrow..." and starts reading the charges against him, but all we hear is Jack muttering "*Captain*!" Heh. Somebody wearing a bright red cape and ridiculously large hat with a two-foot feather hanging from it pushes through the crowd below. Oh, it's Will. I'm not sure if this is supposed to make him stand out in the crowd or make him look like the lost Musketeer, but either way it's working. Liz, Gov. Daddy and Norri are at the edge of the crowd. Liz declares that this is "wrong", but doesn't try to convince her father to stop it although I'd think it couldn't hurt. Daddy says the law's the law so tough shit. And the guy is *still* reading the charges. Sheesh. Diandra: Do you suppose "sodomy" is on there somewhere? Chrissy: [WHACK!] Ow... Diandra: He-he. A parrot lands on the flagpole Tweedle Dum is holding (remember him?). Will sees this and, for some reason, this spurs him into action. I guess it tells him the Hapless Crew is nearby. You know, because there's only *one* parrot in the *entire* Caribbean, so it must be Cotton's. Instead of immediately running to Jack's rescue, however, he walks up to Liz and says he should have mentioned this before (no shit) but... "I love you." Okay. It's sweet and all and he says it in such a cute, lovesick puppy sort of way that it makes me want to hug him or scratch him behind the ears or something, but...um...COULD YOU DO THIS SOME OTHER TIME? Like maybe when the man in the black mask isn't putting the noose around Jack's neck? I know you're all for the dramatics, but seriously! Chrissy: Dude. Why can't you just let it go and enjoy the moment? Diandra: Because he's had at least two opportunities to do this before and he waited until now when he should be saving Jack? Chrissy: Honey...it's a *movie*. Do you really think there's any real danger of Jack dying? Diandra: No, but it's still annoying. Liz, instead of throwing herself into Will's arms and showering him with kisses as any woman with half a brain would do if a guy she already had a crush on declared his love for her like that, just stares at him blankly. Chrissy: What is *wrong* with that girl? Diandra: Maybe somebody should check her pulse... Fortunately, Will doesn't notice as he's already pushing his way back through the crowd. Then Liz sees the parrot and apparently figures out what's going on because she promptly announces that she can't breathe and "faints", effectively distracting Norri and Gov. Daddy. Will just barely makes it to the gallows as the trap door is opening. See? If he hadn't stopped to talk to Princess Whines-a-Lot, he wouldn't be cutting it so close! He throws his sword in a repeat of his earlier trick and it spears dead center in the trap door. You can almost see the sword Orlando actually threw fly past at the bottom of the screen. Jack balances on it precariously, somehow managing *not* to snap it in two. Liz bolts upright to see what happened and Norri and Gov. Daddy slap themselves in the forehead, cursing their gullibility. Norri scrambles to sick his men on Will, but of course this will take a *long* time. Will darts up the gallows stairs, sword in hand. Excuse me, what? Since when did he have two? Could somebody go wake the guy in charge of continuity and tell him to get back to work? Thanks. Anyway, Will and his magically appearing sword start fighting the hangman, a big guy with a mean looking axe (a gift from the Tsarina of Japan. Hee! Sorry.) But of course, Will was apparently born with a sword in his hand and he's guaranteed a victory anyway, so... Eventually, the hangman's axe cuts through the rope and Jack drops to the ground, using Will's original sword to free his hands. Will pushes the hangman off the platform, takes a moment to carve a "W" on the nearest beam and jumps off as well, doing a somersault in mid-air and managing not to break any bones or land on any bystanders. Show off. And his hat didn't even *budge*. I'm guessing if it fell off it would pull an Indy and fly right back to him. Oh, and the magically appearing sword is gone, probably back to the wormhole of plot convenience from whence it came. Jack throws Will one end of the hanging rope and they use it to disable several of Norri's men. They dive into simultaneous somersaults for no reason other than it looks cool. I think if you look carefully you can see Johnny's stunt double's face. Orlando's, on the other hand, is safely hidden beneath the hat, which I'm starting to think is attached to his head by a combination of duct tape and super glue. Will disables another guy and takes his sword. He and Jack are surrounded by Norri's men, all of whom are wielding swords and muskets. They circle, back-to-back, apparently hoping one of the men will suddenly fall over in a seizure so they can escape. Jack tries to blow Will's feather out of his face. No, that's not important, but it made me giggle. Jack turns and stands on his toes so he can see over Will's shoulder as Norri steps up and says he thought there'd be an escape attempt, but he didn't think Will would be the one starting it. Why the hell not? It's not like it goes against his character or anything. Gov. Daddy splutters that he gave Will "clemency" for all the crap he pulled already (namely, working with Jack) and instead of kissing his ass or sending him a fruit basket or something he does *this*. "He's a pirate," Gov. Daddy reminds him as if Will is a child with severe brain damage who couldn't have figured *that* out by now. Will argues that he's also a good man. He just happens to be a lying, cheating thief. Will throws down his sword and says if all he's done is give them a reason to hang him too, it's okay because at least his conscience will be clear. Jack grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him violently, shouting, "have you lost your MIND?" Okay, maybe not. "You forget your place," Norri snarls. Will replies, "It's right here. Between you and Jack." [Diandra smirks at Chrissy, waggling her eyebrows suggestively] Chrissy: I quit. Liz finally makes herself useful and slips in next to Will, declaring that it's her place too. Yeah, that's just...um... yeah. No comment. Gov. Daddy orders the men to drop their weapons. Norri looks like he might burst into tears and asks if this is where Liz's heart "truly lies". Well, duh. Everyone else could see that including people who are legally blind. Here, Norri, here's a dollar, go buy yourself a clue. Jack, who is now cowering behind Liz for protection (a fact that amuses me to no end) sees the parrot fly off and starts babbling at Norri and Gov. Daddy about...something. Is it really necessary for him to lean so close to people when he's talking to them? Then he turns to Liz and says "it would never have worked between us, darling." Liz, frantically trying to recall what, exactly, happened on that island when she was drunk out of her mind, just glares at him. He ignores her and says, "Will..." Then he kisses Will passionately, grabbing his ass in a decidedly possessive gesture. Chrissy: You're taking advantage of my pain, aren't you? Diandra: If that's what you want to call it, okay. Actually, he just says "nice hat", but I like my version better. He stands by the wall Liz fell from at the beginning of the movie...can you see where this is going? "This," he says dramatically to Norri and Co. "Is the day that you will always remember as the day that y--" and he falls over the ledge. Heh. One of Norri's lackeys gloats that Jack has nowhere to run and then shoves his foot in his mouth when the Black Pearl sails into view and Jack swims toward it. One of the lackeys (maybe the same one, I don't know) asks Norri what his plan of action is. Norri falters and Gov. Daddy suggests that maybe piracy is not inherently bad. Er...at least certain aspects of it...when taken out of context and done to ultimately accomplish something good. Like stealing from the rich to give to the poor or something. But isn't that why he gave Will clemency in the first place? "Mr. Turner," Norri barks. Will flinches and wonders if maybe he should dive in after Jack to escape whatever's coming next because it certainly doesn't *sound* like a pat on the back. He decides against it and tells Liz he's willing to accept the consequences of his actions. He steps in front of Norri, who draws a sword and waves it at him. Norri blathers something about the man who made it (Will, of course, because I guess there are no other blacksmiths in Port Royale) showing the same "care and devotion in every aspect of his life". I don't care; I'm being distracted by the way the sword jumps about a foot every time the camera angle changes. Chrissy: Wait a minute. Orlando is on the screen and instead of looking at him, you're watching a *sword* move back and forth? Diandra: (distractedly) Huh? Ooo...shiny... Chrissy: That's just...sad. Norri tells his men they can give Jack "one day's head start", which we can assume means they won't even try to catch him. He walks off as Gov. Daddy gently reminds Liz that giving up Norri in favor of Will - at least in terms of socio-economic status - is like discarding a nice, juicy steak to gnaw on the bone. Liz says she's perfectly happy gnawing on this particular bone. Uh...I mean... Chrissy: (laughing) Oh, we know *exactly* what you mean, sweetie! Diandra: (blushing furiously) Excuse me, I think I have to go crawl into a hole and die now. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happens next, right? Will and Liz kiss. Moving on! Chrissy: WAIT A MINUTE! (grabs the remote from Diandra and rewinds the scene at least a dozen times, drooling) (sigh) He looks like a good kisser... Diandra: How can you tell? It's mostly a shot of the back of Keira's head. Chrissy: (sigh) MUST you ruin this for me? Okay, so they kiss for approximately ten minutes and then Will breaks away and says he can't do this. He jumps over the wall and swims after Jack into a life of piracy, adventure and hot boy-on-boy action. At least he does in numerous fanfiction stories. The Hapless Crew haul Jack up on the Pearl. He sneers at Gibbs and asks why the hell they didn't keep to the code. Gibbs says they figured those were more like *guidelines* than actual rules. He says this EXACTLY the same way Barbossa did earlier. Is there some significance to this? Like, did Barbossa's ghost fly out of the cave and possess Gibbs when nobody was looking? What does this MEAN? Anamaria hands Jack some sort of cape or coat or something and announces that the ship is his. Again. Jack...I don't know how to say this other than he *fondles* the wheel like it's some sort of long-lost lover and stops when he realizes the crew is watching in amusement. He starts barking orders at them and they scramble in every direction. Then he pulls out a compass and starts singing That Blasted Song. And cut and roll credits. Finally. After the credits, we get a brief scene of Jack the Monkey swimming into Treasure Cave. He scampers over to the chest 'o' gold and removes a coin, instantly turning to a skeleton. Then he leaps at the camera, shrieking. Bad monkey! No banana! Despite all my bitching and moaning, I should really point out that I loved this movie. Really. Loved it! And that’s saying something because I didn’t really want to see it the first time; a friend of mine did. Not Chrissy, fortunately. Chrissy: I resent that. But does that mean you’ll want to see the sequel? Diandra: Heck yeah. Maybe I’ll even recap that one too. Chrissy: Remind me to bring a drool bucket and barf bag. Diandra: Of course. Seriously, the actors are entertaining as hell, it’s a fun story and I loved the music so much that I ran out to buy the soundtrack and have been listening to it on a practically continuous loop ever since. Chrissy: Yeah, speaking of which, I’m getting kind of sick of hearing that blasted thing (waves lighter threateningly). Diandra: (groan) For those of you keeping track of all the references I made throughout this recap, they were (in order of first appearance): Poccahontas, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Lord of the Rings, Bambi, Star Wars, Snow White (although this one was already there), The X-Files, Titanic, The Wizard of Oz (vaguely), Lethal Weapon, Alias, The Three Musketeers, Zorro, Indiana Jones and Robin Hood (general). “Lle naa vanima no uuminda ya ron quent” means “I am beautiful no matter what they say” in Elvish. Thanks to whoever translated that. The thought of Legolas looking down his nose at Aragorn as he says it and then flipping his hair over his shoulder and stalking away sent me into a fit of giggles. ~Diandra