Flying Dutchperson. Jones plays "dramatic organ music" with his beard tentacles below decks. Above deck, an "officer" orders "secure the mast tackle, Mr. Turner!" Naturally, both Bill and Will respond, rushing up to the mast tackle (whatever that is), resulting, more or less, in the following conversation: "Stand back!" "No, *you* stand back!" "What the hell is wrong with you? Is your name Turner?" "Yes, actually!" Bill gapes at him and hisses "no!" The rope slips from his hand and the cannon they were raising for some damned reason crashes to the lower deck. Will, stupidly, doesn't let go of the rope and gets dragged several feet. Officer Bossypants orders the other creepy monsters to haul Will to his feet and they shove him against some netting while Bossypants hauls out a whip and growls something about five lashes. [Diandra perks up and scoots closer to the TV, dragging the keyboard with her] Chrissy: You're a sick puppy, you know that? Diandra: Shh! Bill grabs Bossy's arm and yells "no!" Bossy snarls that Bill will share the punishment for "impeding" his duties. Bill offers to take *all* of the punishment. Davy Jones appears suddenly to ask why on Earth he would do something like that. Bill states the obvious: "He's my son." Will and the lobotomy patients look surprised. Jones cackles at this "fortuitous circumstance" and hands Bill the whip. Bill says he won't do it. "The cat's out of the bag, Mr. Turner," Jones shouts. Either he does it or the "bosun" will. I have two things to say to Ted and Terry. First: that is not the origin of that expression, despite what you claim in the commentary, though it may have been another, later version of the expression. I can give you the correct origin – which refers to an actual cat – if you'd like. Second: have you been reading fan fiction? Because I swear I've seen this scene before... "No," Bill repeats. Jones calls for the Bosun and Bill shrieks "no!" again and snatches the whip. The guys restraining Will rip his shirt off. [Chrissy turns to see why the typing sounds stopped and finds Diandra staring into space] Chrissy: Oh, for... [snatches keyboard] Will's father whips him while Davy Jones watches, looking vaguely...orgasmic. [WHACK!] Diandra: SEE?! HA! [snatches keyboard back] Sometime later, Will is tossed below deck and we get a gratuitous close-up of his scored, bleeding back. Bill follows and puts a hand on his shoulder. Will jerks away and snarls "I don't need your help!" Bill says, basically, that the bosun is a sadistic gorilla who would have done worse and hands Will a vest. Oh, so that was an act of compassion, Will spits. Yes, dummy. Bill walks with him as he exposits about his life on the Flying Dutchperson. Will shrugs into his vest, screams in pain and crumples to his knees. Or he would if he were a human and capable of feeling pain which, apparently, he isn't. The Exposition Fairy sneaks up behind Bill and jabs him in the ass with her wand and he blathers about how those gullible enough to agree to work on the Dutchperson gradually lose themselves and become part of the ship. As evidenced by a guy who seems plastered into one of the walls. He adds that once you've sworn an oath to the Dutchperson you can never leave until "your debt is paid". Will says he never swore an oath. Bill says he should run for it then. Will says he can't until he finds the key and shows Bill the drawering that somehow survived all of this. Wall guy pries himself partially loose – his brain detaching itself half-way – and says "the dead man's chest". The Exposition Fairy twists Will's arm behind his back and forces him to ask the half-dead person with a detachable brain what he knows about it. "Open the chest with the key and stab the heart," no-brain babbles. Then he says no, wait, don't do that. "The Dutchman needs a living heart or there'll be no captain. And if there's no captain, there's no one to have the key." Note to Ted and Terry: put down the crack pipe and get back to work. Will concludes that the captain has the key (duh) and asks where it is. "Hidden," no-brain says mysteriously. "Where is the chest," Will tries. "Hidden!" No- brain presses back against the wall and closes his eyes, going back into hibernation until the next time some nitwit stumbles onto the ship and demands some answers. Well, that was useful. Liz scampers after Jack, who is on his way back to the Pearl. "I'm here to find the man I love," she announces. Jack stops short, looking startled. "I'm deeply flattered, son, but my first and only love is the sea," he calls over his shoulder, making "let's get the hell out of here" gestures at Gibbs. Norri (what the hell is she bringing him along for?) vomits into the water. That's nice. Did we really need a close-up of that? "Meaning William Turner," Liz adds. Jack turns and recognizes her, which is unfortunate, because it could've been fun to drag that out a little more. He turns back to Gibbs and mutters "hide the rum." Ha! Nice. Then he goes into full on drag queen mode and says those clothes don't flatter her at all. "It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin." Heh. As if. She says she knows Will came looking for him and she just wants to know where he is. Jack says he's sorry he has to say this, but... "through an unfortunate and entirely unforeseeable series of circumstances that had nothing whatsoever to do with me, poor Will has been press-ganged into Davy Jones' crew." "Oh, please," Norri groans as he apparently doesn't believe in the Flying Dutchperson/Davy Jones crap. Jack asks what the hell Norri is doing here. Norri says Jack hired him, remember? "I can't help it if your standards are lax...among other things." [Diandra is hit in the head with a remote.] OW! Chrissy: Watch it. "You smell funny," Jack snaps back childishly. Liz reminds him that she just wants to find Will. A light bulb goes on and Jack asks if that's really what she wants most. She says no, I'm just doing this for my health. He says there may just be a way to save him. See, there's this chest... The Exposition Fairy: [throwing her wand to the ground angrily] Oh for fuck's sake! Would you people get on with it already?! I'm getting tired! Blah blah whoever has the chest has the leverage to command Jones to do his or her bidding. "You don't actually believe him, do you," Norri asks, staggering over. She hesitates, then asks how they would find this chest. Jack says with *this* and presents the Compass of Misdirection to her. He says it points to the "thing you want most in this world", places it in her hands, reminds her that what she wants is to find the chest, opens it and leaps back like it might explode. It spins crazily and finally settles on North East. Jack announces that they have their heading. Excuse me, I think my phone is ringing...Hello? Oh, uh...hiiii, Erin. What? You want me to return the Exposition Fairy right this minute or you're pressing charges? Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am. I'll send her right over. Ahem. Where was I? Beckett's evil den of evilness. The mapmaker is still diligently painting. Beckett is babbling to a shackled Governor Daddy about one's place in the world. Governor Daddy protests that the handcuffs aren't really necessary. Sure they are. Otherwise you wouldn't have to stand there and listen to Beckett gloat like a pompous ass. Beckett says he thought Gov. Daddy would want to know the whereabouts of his daughter. Creepy Guy says she was recently spotted in Tortuga with Jack, who is "a known pirate", a fact they seem to delight in pointing out to all and sundry every chance they get. Beckett adds that the previous owner of the sword he's fondling was also with her. [WHACK!] Diandra: Well, how the hell would you describe what he's doing? Chrissy: [pause] Yeah, okay. I'll let you have that one. Diandra: Thank you. Beckett continues babbling but no one's listening. Not even the chair. Sorry. Governor Daddy asks what they want from him. Basically, they want to make him their puppet. He gives in because they hold all the cards including the "get your daughter out of jail free" card and he doesn't really have a choice. And we're back on the Flying Dutchperson for the most simplified version of poker ever. The monsters are betting years of service based on the number of dice under their cups that show a certain number. Basically, there's not much skill involved. Or, as Will understands it, it's a game of deception, but your bet has to include all the dice in play, not just the ones under your cup that you know. Like Texas Hold 'Em with more bullshitting. He asks his father if any crew member can be challenged to a game. Bill, who hasn't seen his kid in years and therefore has no reason to suspect he's gearing up to do something crazy, says yep. Will announces that he would like to challenge Davy Jones. Everyone gapes at him. Jones appears like maybe somebody said his name three times or something and says he acceptsah. They sit and Jones asks what the stakes are. Will says his soul. "An eternity of servitude." What'd I say about the crazy? Jones asks what he's betting against. Will slaps down the drawering and says he wants *this*. Jones demands to know how Will knows about the key. Will just says he doesn't have to answer that and offers Jones an out. Jones pulls the key from beneath his facial pasta (tm Lisa "I'm so smart I can't write in terms normal humans can understand" Schwarzbaum from Entertainment Weekly) and dangles it in the air for no apparent reason other than to prove that he has it. They roll their dice and slap the cups down on the table and Bill suddenly appears and slaps his own cup alongside theirs, announcing that he's matching Will's wager. Awww...that's... sweet? I guess? Will protests but Bill says the die's been cast already and bets 3 twos. Jones chuckles confidently and bets 4 fours. Will looks at his dice, waffles for an hour or two, and bets 4 fives. Bill's turn: 6 threes. And now we get a look at the dice: Will has 3 fives, a one and a two, Bill has a full house – twos over threes - and Jones is one away from Yatzee (4 fives). Will bets 8 fives. For those of you playing the home game: he just lost. Jones laughs and welcomes him to the crew. "12 fives," Bill blurts. Gee, you couldn't aim a little lower their, chief? Like somewhere in the realm of actually statistically possible considering there are only fifteen dice actually in play here? Jones snatches his cup and calls him a liar. Dur, really? He adds that Bill will spend an eternity on the ship and tells Will he's free to go ashore at the next port. Um, why? What about Jack's deal? Hello? Writers? The monsters all leave and Will calls Bill a fool and demands to know why the hell he did something so stupid. I'm going to venture a guess and say the apple didn't fall far from the kamikaze tree. Bill basically says 'to save your ungrateful hide you little pisant'. Will spits that it wasn't about winning or losing and Bill realizes the game was just his ploy to get Jones to show him where the key is. Which...doesn't seem like the best plan to me. I mean, what good is knowing where the key is if you lose? Chrissy: Why are you still asking questions? Diandra: Because I'm a glutton for punishment? Night. Will sneaks into Jones' room, where Jones is asleep sitting in front of the organ, and plays a little amateur Indiana Jones. He's carefully lifting Jones' beard tentacles with a feather and some sort of chopstick when one slips and hits the keyboard, causing the organ to bleat loudly. Davy snorts and starts to come awake but then Mr. Contrivance rushes in and winds up the little music box inexplicably sitting on the organ and it begins playing a lullaby. Jones drifts right back to sleep without even noticing that Will is practically sprawled across his lap, holding up one of his tentacles with a chopstick clenched between his teeth. Right. If you'll excuse me, I think my disbelief needs suspending again. Will sighs in relief at the near miss and grabs the key, replacing it with the drawering. As he's slipping out the door, a mouse crawls up on the organ and sneezes, jolting Davy awake...oh, wait...wrong movie. Up on deck, Bill hands Will a knife and tells him to get to land and STAY THERE, damnit. Will stares at him. Bill shrugs that it was always in his blood to die at sea but he never meant for Will to follow his footsteps. Will says he didn't choose his fate. Bill says he could say he did what he had to but that would be a lie. And, you know, going to hell for that would be so much worse than the situation he's in now. "You owe me nothing, Will. Now go." Will flails that they'll know Bill helped him escape. Bill chuckles and asks what more they could possibly do to him. Oh, I wouldn't ask that. Will vows that he'll find a way to free his father and use the knife to stab Davy Jones' evil heart. "I will not abandon you." The unspoken addition here being "like you abandoned me." Nice. Pearl. Liz is showing Jack the papers. Gibbs muses that Will was working for Beckett all along and concludes that Beckett wants the compass and there's only one reason he'd want that. Jack pitches in that he wants the chest. Liz says yeah, he did say something about a chest...of course he was staring at my cleavage at the time so I just assumed he was a bug-eyed little pervert. Okay, so that last part is mine. Gibbs overtones that if "The Company" controls the chest then they'll control the seas. Wow, what an original name. Is this the same company that is run by Jack Bauer's father and is responsible for framing Lincoln Burrows for murder? Is Prophet Five involved somehow? Chrissy: Are you finished? Diandra: No. What about the Others? Do they work for this company? How about Mr. Linderman? Seriously, I know they're referring to The East India Trading Company here, but repeated references to the generic, nefarious "The Company" make me think there is a giant, shadowy organization somewhere that is responsible for everything from the JFK assassination to Dana Scully's pregnancy. Anyway. Moving on. Gibbs runs off to see if they can make the Pearl go any faster. Jack asks how Liz got the letters of Marque. "I had to sleep my way through the commanding officers of the British Navy," she says. Or maybe she just said "Persuasion." "Friendly," Jack asks. "Decidedly not." Heh. He notes that Will tried to strike a deal to get the papers "fairly" and yet she's the one who managed to actually get them – a "full pardon and commission as a privateer on behalf of England". Yes, kids: crime *does* actually pay. Now go knock of a liquor store and bring me a vat of the strongest ale you can find because I have a feeling I'm going to need it. Jack says he can't be bought for such a "low price". Liz offers to take the papers back then. Like the big baby he is he clutches them tighter and says "no!" Then he adds, "Persuade me!" She leans closer and purrs "you do know Will taught me how to handle a sword?" Diandra: Er...what kind of persuasion are we talking about here? Chrissy: I don't know, but this just got a whole lot more interesting. He gives her a "seductive" look and says "as I said, *persuade* me." She just stomps off and he looks after her like an abandoned puppy and makes a little whimpering noise. She doesn't get far. She is leaning against the railing, smirking in the general direction of the ocean when Norri staggers up. He reminisces about a time when he would have given anything for her to look like that while thinking of him. She says she has no idea what he's talking about. He thinks she does. She says he's being absurd – she just trusts Jack. Coughcoughsputter. That is either a really lame excuse or a sign of sheer gullible stupidity. Norri suggests that she consider how her current fiancé could possibly have ended up on the Flying Dutchperson. Then he leaves and she pulls out the compass, which points North West. Coincidentally, this is the exact direction Jack is standing in relative to her. Oy. Ted and Terry? Let it go. On some random fishing boat somewhere Will is huddled under a blanket, holding a mug of something I assume is alcoholic and telling the captain to put as much water behind them as fast as possible. The captain asks what they're running from. Will notices Liz's dress (correction: not a random fishing boat) and demands to know where they got it. The captain regurgitates the spirit story. One of the crew members adds that the spirit brought them good fortune as it told them to go to Tortuga where they made a nice profit "off the books". Will puts two and two together and, amazingly, gets four, predicting that some of their crew jumped ship in Tortuga. Before they can get him to explain how he knows that, a crewman pokes his head in the room to announce that a ship is approaching and it's not flying any "colors". It's the Flying Dutchperson and Davy looks really pissed. Presumably over the disappearance of his key, not the loss of a cabin boy. [WHACK!] "You will watch this," he snarls at a restrained Bill. Some monsters are forced to walk in a circle by a slave driver with a whip, turning a giant wheel. A column at the center of the wheel ratchets upward as Davy babbles a lot of nonsense about hope and cursed days and blah blah Kraken. "NO!" Bill screams. The column slams down, sending a shockwave through the water. Over on the fishing boat soon to become splinters, the crew stares, confused, at the mysterious ghost ship. Will has climbed to the top of one of the sails for some reason (to get a better look at their impending doom?) and shouts down to the crew that it's the Flying Dutchperson and something crashes into the side of the ship, cutting him off and nearly sending him flying right off the mast. The crew think they hit a reef, despite the fact that they don't seem to be moving. Must be one of those traveling reefs. The captain shouts a few orders and is abruptly yanked overboard by a giant tentacle. The tentacle surfaces briefly, shakes him like a rag doll and submerges again. Everyone scrambles, yelling about a Kraken. Will clambers back to his feet and watches them throw spears, offer it Liz's dress, etc. No dice. Several tentacles snatch crewmen and snap the mast. Will jumps to the next one as it falls and slides down the sail. Chaos, scrambling, screaming. Will climbs around in the rigging and joins the fray, hacking away with his sword. The Kraken quickly becomes sick of this shit, shoots it's tentacles high in the air and slams them across the ship, snapping it in half like a twig. Everyone goes flying. Will, somehow, lands a safe distance away and gives us a murky underwater view of a giant blob before swimming away frantically. On the Dutchperson, Hammerhead tells Davy that the "boy" isn't there and must've been claimed by the sea. "I am the sea," Davy snarls. Someone asks what they should do with the survivors they've hauled from the wreckage already. Davy says there are no survivors and they shrug, axe the remaining fishing boat crew and dump them overboard. Will watches this from a hiding place near the bow. He ducks as Davy approaches and is therefore practically under Captain Octopus as he announces that the chest is no longer safe and they need to head to Isla Cruces and they need to get there first. "First," one monster asks dumbly. Davy asks who he thinks sent "that thieving courtesan" to get the key. [WHACK!] Okay, so he actually used the word "charlatan". Same difference. Chrissy: Not even close, brainiac. Diandra: Well, that's the way I heard it. Chrissy: That's because you're warped. Diandra: [grinning] Thank you! Davy answers his own question: "Jack Sparrah [huff huff snarl]". Pearl. Liz is sulking (what else is new?). Jack plops down next to her and says "my tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled." She rolls her eyes and says she thought she'd be married by now. He offers her a swig of his rum because that's basically his answer for everything and says "you know...ehm...Lizzie...I am captain of a ship." Which, he says, means he technically has the authority to perform a wedding right on the deck of the Pearl. Now, in fact. Liz looks repulsed by his forwardness or his breath or both, says no thanks and slips off. He scampers after her and points out that they are actually very much alike. She says yeah, "except for a sense of honor and decency and a moral center. And personal hygiene." Jack sniffs his armpit and says "trifles." Heh. He says he knows she'll come over to the dark side...er, *his* side eventually because she's curious and longs for freedom and wants to see what it's like to act on impulse and do whatever she wants just because. Oh, what fucking ever. I hate to break it to you, Ted and Terry, but if you feel like you have to drop anvils on your audiences' heads to establish a romantic pairing then you should probably consider other alternatives. Chrissy: Are we a little bitter? Diandra: No, we are a little confused by the sudden ham- fisted push for Sparrabeth. Wasn't the whole point of the first movie to get Will and Elizabeth together? Should we just forget any of that ever happened or is this just a really stupid subplot? Chrissy: Breathe with me, sweetie. Oohhhhhhmmmmm... Diandra: Yeah, whatever. Ooohhhmmm gonna send a few big dogs to shit on the writers lawns if they keep yanking my chain for no damn reason. "Why doesn't your compass work," Liz asks. Jack, not realizing this is a lame attempt to change the subject, says his "compass" works just fine, thank you. As does his sword. Would she like him to prove it? Okay, that last part was me. I know, ew. She non sequiters that if they're so much alike there will come a chance for him to do the "right thing". "I love those moments," he slurs. "I like to wave at them as they pass by." Heh. She predicts he'll have a chance to do something "courageous" and he'll discover that he is, in fact, a good man. She has faith in him. She keeps babbling, ignoring the giant anvil splashing in the water behind them, and I wonder if there is a point to this scene other than blatant foreshadowing. She taunts him by leaning so close she is practically kissing him. He tries to follow through but is distracted by the spot reappearing on his hand. He backs away from her and looks skittish. She says she's proud of him for not "compromising [her] honor" or some such shit. Gibbs shouts land ho and Jack goes looking for his jar of dirt. Larry and Curly row Jack, Liz and Norri ashore and argue over the pronunciation of "Kraken". Nice, writers. Way to slip that in. When they land, Jack grabs a shovel and orders them to watch the boat and not touch his jar of dirt. Shift to Liz pacing a bit with the compass, which spins and points in the general direction of Jack, who is hilariously posed with his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out like the hero of a bad harlequin romance novel. She shakes the compass angrily and plops down in the sand with a huff, stating that it doesn't work and it *certainly* doesn't point to what you want most. Jack scurries over to look and the compass spins and points at Liz. He concludes that it does and she's sitting on it. Several yards from shore, Davy sees Larry and Curly doing their comic relief routine and concludes that "they're here". Unfortunately, he can't go ashore for almost another decade because the writers are trying to hastily stitch two separate myths together. He orders "down" and we get a cool shot from behind his shoulder of the Dutchperson plunging underwater. Where's Will? Did we forget he's clinging to the bow? Larry and Curly see this and run squealing in the direction the rest of the A-team went in. Back at the dig site, Jack is meditating while Norri digs. No, I'm serious. There's a loud thunk and everyone scrambles to pull out a fairly large chest. Jack breaks the lock with the shovel and opens it to find a bunch of letters and...another chest. Great. Maybe they'll find an even smaller chest inside this one and an even smaller chest inside that one so on until they finally end up with a chest barely big enough to hold a postage stamp. No, wait, this one has a keyhole. They lean their ears against it and hear a muffled ba-bump. Liz is surprised that the legend is real. Norri is surprised Jack was telling the truth. "I do that quite a lot," Jack says. "Yet people are always surprised." Snerk. "With good reason," Will sneers, staggering up behind them, dripping wet...well, damp anyway. Liz runs to hug him and they kiss. Before she can rip his clothes off or anything Jack asks how Will got there. Will pries his lips from Liz and snarks "sea turtles." Ha! Nice callback. The lobotomy patients scratch their heads in confusion, shrug, and go back to watching "24" where their lack of retention is more valued. He says he owes Jack a thanks though, since "after you tricked me onto that ship to square your debt with Jones..." "What?!" Liz interrupts. "What?" Jack squeaks reflexively. "...I was reunited with my father." Jack says oh, well, you're welcome then. No harm no foul. Liz marches at him, accusingly saying that everything he said to her was a lie. Usually. Meanwhile, Will kneels next to the chest with the key and knife. Jack, alarmed, asks what he's doing. Will says oh, nothing. I was just going to shave this little bit of fluff of my face before I open the chest and STAB THE FUCKING BASTARD'S HEART. Except minus the first part. Jack draws his sword and says he can't let Will do that. A random, ominous chord bleats across the soundtrack. Thank you, Mr. Zimmer. And by the way, it's nice of you to take a break from scoring "The Da Vinci Code" to do this movie. It's too bad you were only able to finish a couple songs before the deadline and had to fill the rest of the soundtrack with stuff from the first movie. Anyway. Jack rationalizes this strange reaction by saying that if Jones is dead there's no one to call his "beastie" off the hunt. Whuh? Chrissy: Would you like an aspirin? Diandra: Fuck aspirin, I need alcohol. Lots of it. Will stands. Jack holds his hand out for the key. Will grabs Liz's sword (anyone notice he had swords on hand at all times, appearing and disappearing via the wormhole of contrivance, in the first movie but now suddenly he has to use everybody else's sword?) and snarls "I keep the promises I make" which... makes sense to nobody but you and your father, Will, but okay. The random ominous chord bleats again. He says he intends to free his daddy and hopes Jack is still around to see it. What? "I can't let you do that either," Norri says, drawing his own sword. Diandra: Why? Chrissy: Who the hell knows? Hans Zimmer: I just love this dissonant chord of shocking character turns! Jack stumbles in his direction, smirking. "I knew you'd warm up to me eventually. Norri isn't interested in cuddling, unfortunately [WHACK!] and whips his sword around, pointing it at Jack. Jack hilariously stops in his tracks and points his sword at Will so the three of them and their swords form a complete triangle. [Diandra smirks at Chrissy] Chrissy: Don't you dare. Diandra: Wouldn't dream of it. Norri says Beckett wants the contents of the chest. Apparently he's under the delusion that if he gives it to him he'll get his life back. Let the fighting begin! Liz squeals at them to stop as they dart around, swinging randomly at each other. The tight camera shots and quick cuts are making me dizzy. Will kicks Norri in the chest, knocking him down and runs down the beach after Jack. Liz yelps and runs to...I'm sorry *Norri* kicks *Will* in the chest and runs after Jack. Like I said, this is making me dizzy. Chrissy: I'm sure the alcohol isn't helping. Diandra: Shut up and keep pouring. Will orders Liz to guard the chest and scrambles after them. "No," Liz shouts like a petulant child. She then launches into a tirade about this being no way for a grown man to act and "oh, fine! Let's just haul out our 'swords' and start *banging away* at each other!" Chrissy: [WHACK!] Don't think I don't see what you're trying to do over there. Diandra: Oh, what? Like this whole thing doesn't scream HoYay? [WHACK] [grumble] Fine. "Let's just haul out our swords and start banging away at each other! That will solve everything! I've had it!" She generally has a total freaking meltdown, screaming at the top of her lungs at the guys, who are completely ignoring her. Larry and Curly arrive to find Jack, Will and Norri darting in a circle, swords swinging, with Liz chucking rocks at them from several yards away. Curly: How'd this go all screwy? Larry: Well, the writers forgot what the whole point of the movie was and thought the audience might not notice if they just threw in another big sword fight with complex choreography... Curly: No, I mean *this*! [gestures] Larry: Oh! Well, each wants the chest for hisself. Mr. Norrington, I think, is trying to regain a bit of honor. Old Jack's looking to trade it to save his own skin and Turner...I think he's trying to settle some unresolved business twixt him and his twice cursed pirate father. Curly says that's sad...then redirects to conclude that the chest must be worth a pretty penny and if they were "descent people" they would remove the temptation for the three stooges. Heh. Liz tries the same trick she used in the first movie – fainting dramatically. The stooges don't notice. She sits in the sand and pouts like the child she is until she notices Curly and Larry run by with the chest. She chases after them. And now we're going to play follow the key. Jack snatched it when the fighting first started. Now they're running down the beach, stopping occasionally to clash swords. Jack falls to the ground. Will grabs the key and darts off. Clang clang. Jack socks Will and takes it back. Clang clang. Norri shoves Will to the ground, kicks sand in his face and takes off after Jack. Meanwhile, the monsters are trying to recreate the "take a walk" scene from the first movie. It's creepier and yet not as cool. Jack finds an old mill house or something with the staircase from Vertigo running up the inside of the tower and runs up, Norri on his heels. Fight fight clang. Norri grabs the key. Will arrives and, apparently sensing what's about to happen, grabs one of the ropes hanging from the bell. Norri knocks Jack off their floor and he grabs the rope as he falls. Will shoots up the other side, grabs the key as he passes Norri and lands a few floors above him. The monsters find the chest empty, hear the bell ringing in the distance and start for it. Norri chases Will out on top of the crumbling stone structure and they continue their fight. Jack trails after them and tries to snatch the key from Norri unnoticed...hey, since when does Norri have it? Could the continuity person get back to work, please? Thank you! Hans Zimmer: Maybe no one will notice this is exactly the same song I used in both major fight scenes in the first movie. Jack grabs the key and joins the fight. Clang clang clang. As much bitching as I do I actually love this scene and it's one of the scenes that totally makes this movie worth while. Jack's sword goes flying and everyone freezes, all swords on Jack. "Do excuse me while I kill the man who ruined my life," Norri growls over his shoulder at Will. You gonna slit your own throat? "Be my guest," Will says happily. "Let us examine that claim for a moment," Jack babbles. "Who was it that, at the very moment you had a notorious pirate safely behind bars saw fit to free said pirate and take your dearly beloved all to hisself, eh?" What? Isn't that directed at Will? "So who's fault is it really that you've ended up a rum-pot deckhand what takes orders from pirates?" Norri swings at him angrily and he ducks and careens down the side of the building. They're not that far off the ground, but still. He does a somersault mid-air and lands on his ass. Oh, whatever. My disbelief is slowly drowning in black raspberry liquor. Norri says unfortunately, he's right, and turns to continue fighting Will. "Still rooting for you, mate," Jack calls, slinking away. He walks right into an open grave because I guess this building used to be a church with a cemetery out back. A really funny looking church because it also has a water wheel, which Will and Norri jump onto mid-clang. It detaches from the wall and begins rolling, forcing them to run along with it as they fight. Ah, yes. I see we're still applying the same demented logic as before. Nice. The wheel turns for no apparent reason and rolls over the open grave as Jack tries to crawl out, taking him with it. His legs kick frantically as the wheel spins, distracting Will and Norri for a moment but they just shrug and return to their fight. The key Jack had just put around his neck slides right off and catches on a nail. Jack springs up into the wheel as it comes around and runs like a hamster for about two seconds before slamming his head into a spoke with a loud clang and falling sideways out of the wheel. Heh. Hans Zimmer: I love this song! Hopefully no one will notice I use it in *every* fight scene! Larry and Curly are running through the jungle with the chest when Liz cuts them off. How did she get ahead of them? Does she have some sort of magical powers I don't know about? She reaches for her sword, which, of course, isn't there any more because Will took it. Larry and Curly look at each other, drop the chest and draw their own swords. Everybody stops suddenly as a giant wheel rolls through the background, Will and Norri fighting on top of it. Jack is running several feet behind it. It's a hilarious image. They go back to their advance and stop when an axe strikes a nearby tree, announcing the arrival of Jones' monsters. Curly and Larry shoves their swords in Liz's hands and run like hell, only pausing long enough to take the chest. Of course, they're dumb enough to run on opposite sides of a small palm tree and drop it. The monsters leap right over it and the fighting begins. Giant wheel. Seriously, did either Ted or Terry buy a hamster recently? Between this and the rolling bone cages... Jack jumps back on the ride from hell to try to get the key. Hans Zimmer cues up the same old sword fight song and hits "remix" except this time it's in a different key or is played with different instruments or something. Will notices the keys dangling on the inside of the wheel and crawls in, grabs them and begins fighting Jack. Norri, not wanting to miss out on anything, climbs in after him and we're back where we started with all three of them darting around fighting each other indiscriminately. Back with the other stooges. They're darting around, passing their two swords back and forth as needed and working together quite well, actually. Meanwhile, a monster with a conch shell for a head grabs the chest. Jack grabs the keys from Will and swings out on top of the wheel, grabbing a tree branch to lift himself off the crazy merry go round and dropping several feet to the ground, landing on his feet without injury. Coconuts fall all around him. He hears a noise and looks up, baffled, to see a cloud of black smoke dart through the jungle...oops, wrong reference. I totally wouldn't put it past Disney to do that though. Actually he sees Conch Shell run by with the chest, giggling crazily. He picks up a (surprisingly light) rock and tosses it, hitting Conch Shell in the head. His head flies right off and he drops the chest. The head begins yelling "follow my voice" and the body staggers around like a particularly stupid dog trying to find a scent. It's comical but it's not necessarily a *mistake* as some people seem to believe. Or at least it's not an original one. Jack goes to get the chest as the head gives directions and the body smacks into a palm tree. Jack sticks the key into the lock. The wheel around the lock spins and little spokes shoot out from the rim of the chest, under the lid. He opens it and inside, of course, is the still-beating heart of Rambaldi. Davy Jones! I mean Davy Jones! He stuffs it in his shirt (ew!) and runs as the stooges come running in his direction, monsters on their tails. Liz ends up with both swords, fights a couple guys, turns, spins the swords around and drives them under her arms and into two advancing guys without looking. And yes, it looks exactly like a move Orlando did in Lord of the Rings which lends credence to Liz's claim that Will taught her how to fight. Larry and Curly grab the chest and they all flee. Jack gets to the boat first and sticks the heart in his jar of dirt. Chrissy: Nice. Get crap in all the valves so it'll kill him instantly when he puts it back in. Diandra: Please. The man CUT OUT HIS HEART and A) he's still alive and B) the heart is still beating. Like logic is even an issue here. A monster appears from nowhere and swings at him. He grabs an oar and uses it as a sword. The stooges and other monsters arrive. Norri and Will, meanwhile, have given up fighting and are just clinging to the wheel as it rolls crazily. It takes out a couple of the guys Liz was fighting, rolls about a half a mile down the beach and collapses on it's side with a loud splash. Distraction over, the remaining monsters go back to fighting. Will and Norri climb out of the wheel, wobbling dizzily. Norri splats into the water. Will hangs on to the wheel, trying to find his balance and sees the people fighting down the beach. "Right," he breathes. He raises his sword and staggers in their direction, getting all of two feet before pitching face-first into the water. Norri, meanwhile, recovers quickly and runs toward Jack and the lone monster he's fighting. He grabs the papers from the boat, spies the spilled dirt next to Jack's jar and his mind visibly reels. We don't see what he does though, and he runs off as the stooges get their now-empty chest back in the boat. They try to shove off and run into Will, who waves a sword menacingly. They reach for their swords, which, of course, they don't have and improvise by grabbing an oar and a fishing net and encouraging him to bring it. No, I'm not kidding. Will sees the chest and heads for it while Curly and Larry are distracted by a shriek nearby. Everyone's fighting and there's too many people to keep track of. Especially now that there are two Wills and four comic relief stooges. Chrissy: [capping the bottle] That's it. I'm cutting you off. Jack sees Will with the chest and pauses in his fighting long enough to knock him out with his oar. Liz sees this and runs over. Jack shouts at her to leave him unless she plans to use him to hit something with. Hee. Hehehehe. Wow, I'm totally drunk right now. Jack, Liz and Norri huddle near the boat, surrounded. "We're not getting out of this," Liz moans. Honey, even the lobotomy patients know the producers have to keep you in more or less pristine condition for the third movie. Chill. Norri says not with the chest they're not and grabs it, ordering them into the boat. Don't wait up, he adds, running off with the chest tucked under his arm like maybe he's looking for the end zone. The monsters chase him. "I say we respect his final wish," Jack says. Okay, quick show of hands: who thinks Norri is actually doing this as an act of heroic self-sacrifice? And who thinks he's up to something and this is going to end up benefiting him somehow? Yeah, that's what I thought. Norri stumbles, chest and knife scattering. He goes to grab them but is thwarted by the arrival of the monsters. Conch Shell is holding his head in his hand and cackling like a James Bond villain, telling Norri his bravery is "wasted" and "I shall pry the chest away from your cold dead hands". And then he'll take over the world, I guess. Norri looks at the monsters surrounding him, shouts "here you go!" tosses the chest at Conch Shell - who stupidly drops his head to catch it - and runs off. The monsters cackle and head back the way they came, leaving the head behind. It tries to call its body back, gives up and morphs into some sort of crab to crawl after them. Ew. If he could do that all along why did he waste all that time trying to direct his body to find him? Chrissy: I don't think the alcohol helped with your masochistic need to ask questions. Diandra: Guess not. Hic. Will wakes up on the Pearl to find Liz hovering over him. Er...not like that. Get your minds out of the gutter, thank you very much. He asks what happened to the chest. She tells the story of Norri's "brave sacrifice". Gibbs asks after the "commodore." Jack says he "fell behind". Gibbs takes approximately two seconds to mourn him and says the good news is Jack is okay and made it back "free and clear". This, of course, is the cue for the Flying Dutchperson to surface suddenly right next to them. Jack confidently says he'll handle it and steps forward. "Oy, fishface!" He holds the jar of dirt over his head. "Lose something? Eh? Scungilli!" What? He stumbles and falls down the stairs to the lower deck comically, lifts the jar of dirt into view and calls "got it!" Davy watches all this curiously, wondering what the hell kind of brain damage this man has anyway. "Come to negotiate, eh, have you, you slimy git," Jack taunts. "Look what I got. [sing song voice] I got a jar of di-irt. I got a jar of di-irt. And guess what's inside it?" Will and Liz look at each other like 'I guess he finally lost that last marble then'. Davy is not amused. We can tell because the Flying Dutchperson's canons are emerging from the hull threateningly. Jack, jar still raised above his head, squeaks "hard to starboard?" Everyone runs around frantically, shouting orders, pulling the Pearl away from the Dutchperson. Davy orders his 'men' to follow and "send his beloved Pearl to the depthsah". They fire the canons and large chunks of walls explode inward on the Pearl. Davy orders them to fire the "triple guns", which emerge from the front of the Dutchperson and look basically like three canons strapped together. Somebody falls off the deck of the Pearl and Wilhelm's scream screeches across the soundtrack. Jack takes over the wheel, jar clutched firmly in one hand. The Pearl suddenly pulls way ahead out of range of the canons. Will, baffled, asks if they're faster than the Dutchperson. Gibbs says "against the wind, the Dutch[person] beats us - *that's* how she takes her prey, but with the wind..." "We rob her advantage," Will concludes. Oh, whatever. Way to neuter your bad guy, writers. On the Dutchperson, Hammerhead asks if they're giving up. Davy just smirks. That can't be a good thing. The slave drivers whip the monsters at the wheel, rousing the "beastie" as the Pearl crew rejoices in their victory. Will hisses at Jack that his father is on that ship. Yeah? And? He thinks if they can outrun her, they can turn and fight. Yeah, that's a brilliant plan. Walk right up to the pissed off monsters who could rip you to shreds with one arm tied behind their backs and challenge them to a duel. They can't be killed, dipstick. And there's no curse to break to stop them this time. Quit acting like a suicidal moron. Jack asks why they should fight when they can negotiate. "All one needs is the proper leverage." He sets the jar down just as "something" rams the ship, sending everything tumbling. The jar shatters, making a mess of sand and broken glass all over the deck. Jack scrambles after it and paws through it, distressed to find no heart. A random redshirt says they must've hit a reef. Liz joins the crew at the railing. Will shouts that it's not a reef and pulls her back. He explains to the slow ass crew that it's the Kraken and starts shouting orders to load the guns and "it'll attack the starboard!" Huh? What? How does he know that? He points out that he's seen it before but that doesn't really explain how he knows exactly which side of the ship it'll attack on. The crew all load the canons and wait for Will's signal. Tentacles creep up the hull, right over the gunwales. Will ducks his head below deck and shouts "easy boys!" Easy for him to say. He's not the one crapping his pants. He waits until the tentacles start crawling onto the upper decks and Liz begins screaming at him to do something, damnit! They fire, blasting holes in the tentacles, which flop and twitch and slide back into the water with an inhuman squawk. The crew cheers at their victory. Will, always the pessimist, announces that the Kraken will be back and they need to abandon ship. Liz points out that the tentacles destroyed the lifeboats. Jerry Bruckheimer appears suddenly and complains that there haven't been nearly enough explosions in this movie yet. Gore Verbinski agrees wholeheartedly and tosses a barrel of gunpowder onto the deck. It rolls past Will, who gets an idea and orders everybody to put all the gunpowder into the net in the cargo hold. He hands his riffle to Liz and says "whatever you do, don't miss!" She apparently knows exactly what he's planning to do and vows "as soon as you're clear." Jack rows a lifeboat away frantically. I guess the Kraken missed one. Liz notices as the rest of the crew scrambles and mutters "you coward." You're just now noticing? Loud thump. "Not good," Marty says. Thank you, oh master of the obvious. Tentacles shoot up on both sides of the ship and plunge through the gunwales into the lower decks. I'll spare you the Freudian subtext. [Chrissy groans loudly and rolls her eyes]. Will orders the net raised. Gibbs hilariously adds "heave like you're being paid for it!" Will holds on as it lifts through the decks, being chased by the tentacles, which snatch and whack any errant crewman in their path. Except Curly and Larry, of course, as they are immune. Jack stops rowing, looks back and forth between the Pearl and relative safety and debates with himself. He pulls out the Compass of Misdirection, but we don't see where it points. Will orders the net raised higher. Wait any longer and there won't be anybody left to raise it, dear. A tentacles slams the wheel being used the raise the net, breaking it and the net drops a bit. Will, brilliant person that he is, taunts the Kraken, waving his sword. A tentacle bats at him like he's a kitty toy and he loses his grip, drops his sword and gets his leg caught in the net. I suppose it would be too much to expect that he will learn anything from this incident. He pulls the dagger his father gave him and saws frantically at the net. Liz aims the rifle and hesitates when she sees Will hanging upside down from it. He yells at her to shoot. Yeah, that's likely. Before we can find out if she's willing to kill her fiancé, a tentacle grabs her and starts to drag her away. Larry chops off the tentacle with an axe before she gets too far. Unfortunately, she lost her rifle in the process and when she goes to retrieve it some yahoo snatches it and is immediately snatched by the Kraken. The rifle goes flying to the upper deck. Are we really so desperate for added suspense that we need to play capture the weapon? Ted? Terry? Hello? Liz clambers after the gun and reaches it just as a foot steps on it. She looks up and...it's Jack. Shocker. He grabs the rifle and she...grabs his leg. Let's assume she's trying to steady him. Chrissy: Let's not. Diandra: Oh, come on. I know he's pretty but we're starting to cross the line into character assassination here. Will finally cuts himself free and plunges to the deck. A couple barrels come free and tumble in slow motion. Jack shoots and we follow the bullet Matrix-like into the barrels. Aaaaannnnd BOOM! Pieces of barrel rain around Will and ragged, flaming tentacles retreat. "Did we kill it," Marty asks Gibbs. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say no. Gibbs agrees. He says they've just made it angry. Then why do we keep trying? For that matter, why do the characters in these movies keep picking fights with invincible beings? Are they all kamikaze nutwads or do they just lack the ability to reason? Chrissy: You're questioning again. Diandra: Damnit. I really have to do something about that. Jack orders them to abandon ship. Gibbs sputters. "The Pearl!" "She's only a ship, mate," Jack says dejectedly. Oh, what fucking ever Mr. It's Not a Ship, It's Freedom. Chrissy: What was that about character assassination? Diandra: This I'm willing to accept, but ONLY because he looks like he doesn't believe it himself. Liz says he's right – they need to head for land. Will says they may be able to escape while the Kraken takes down the Pearl. Jack wanders off to have a moment with his beloved doomed ship as they go load the boats. Liz corners him and thanks him. He says they're not free yet. She says no, thanks for coming back. "I always knew you were a good man." And then she kisses him. Chrissy: [squeal] Diandra: [confused frown] Okay, I admit I saw that coming...what with all the ham-fisted lead up, but...WHAT? Will sees this from the boat and gapes for a moment before Gibbs blocks his view. Liz backs Jack against a mast and there's a loud metallic *clink*. Jack pulls back and grins at her as she finishes cuffing him to the ship. "All you had to do was ask, love," he smarms. Not. But he's totally thinking it. "It's after you, not the ship," she explains. "It's not us. This is the only way, don't you see?" She moves in like she's gonna kiss him again but just adds "I'm not sorry." Jack smirks and says "pirate." She just marches off. Damn. "Where's Jack," Will asks as she gets in the boat. His tone suggests he's looking for a fight. Then again, he wouldn't be Will if he wasn't. His face, though, is pretty blank, which makes it look like maybe he's just lashing out in confusion. "He elected to stay behind to give us a chance," Liz lies. The others look back at the Pearl in confusion, probably because they know that doesn't sound like Jack AT ALL. Will just stares at her, the little thought bubble over his head saying "If I had known you would turn into a lying, cheating bitch I would have..." [WHACK!] Diandra: [gapes at Chrissy in shock] How did you know I was going to say he should have run off with Jack? [WHACK!] All right, all right. Sheesh. Jack struggles to break the chain holding him to the mast, muttering a string of "bugger"s. There is an ominous thump and the Pearl lists a little. He grabs a nearby lantern, smashes it on the mast and coats his hand with the oil, sliding it free. As he's doing this we see the tentacles rising behind him. Hans Zimmer turns up the ominous music but Jack doesn't appear to notice. He pauses as we finally see the actual body of the Kraken. Sort of. Jack turns toward it and it's "mouth" explodes open with a roar, revealing about twenty rings of teeth leading into a dark, wet cavern. Somebody has some serious female issues. No, really. Freud would have a field day with this. It vomits approximately five gallons of slime onto Jack and his hat (remember the hat?) tumbles out and lands at his feet. He shivers in disgust (see? I...[WHACK!] Oh, shut up!) and wipes slime from his face as the Kraken inexplicably pauses. He picks up his hat, shakes it out and plops it on his head. "'ello beastie," he drawls. Then he draws his sword and charges at it in slow motion. Hans Zimmer plays dramatic hero music that sounds suspiciously closer to "The DaVinci Code" than "Pirates of the Caribbean" but it's still an awesome moment. The jaws close around him and we cut to a long shot of the Pearl as the Kraken pulls the whole damn thing under. The rest of the crew watches, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. It should be noted that all the redshirts are now gone, leaving only the original main cast. Davy Jones watches, pleased and purrs "Jack Sparrow, aouer debt is settledah." No kidding. "Captain goes down with his ship," one guy adds. "Turns out not even Jack Sparrow can best the devil," Hammerhead gloats. We'll see about that, I'm sure. Sigh. Chrissy: Suck it up. You've got a year to recover before you have to recap another two and half hours of this. Davy and the monsters turn to open the chest and gasp in horror. Davy's facial pasta writhes crazily. "Damn you, Jack Sparrow," he screams at the sky so we can see via overhead shot that the chest is, in fact, empty. You know, in case that fact might have changed somehow in the last few scenes. Beckett's lair. Damnit. I almost forgot about him. It was nice while it lasted. His lackey notes that all of their ships have returned. Beckett doesn't care. He just wants to know about the chest. The creepy guy (remember him?) says no, but one of the ships picked up a man adrift at sea. "He had these." He holds up the letters of Marque. From an unseen corner of the room Norri drawls that he took the liberty of filling in his own name. Is anybody surprised by this revelation? Put your hands down lobotomy patients. "If you intend to claim these then you must have something to trade," Beckett slimes. "Do you have the compass?" "Better," Norri smirks confidently. He drops a cloth sack on Beckett's desk and it moves with a muffled ba-bump. "The heart of Davy Jones." "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," Beckett squeals, knocking the sack to the floor and jumping up on the desk. "Kill it! Kiiiillll it!" Yeah, I'm just entertaining myself over here. Feel free to ignore me. Tia Dalma's swamp. The remaining Pearl crew are back for... some reason I'm sure. They row past dozens of people standing in the water holding candles and humming eerily. I think they're holding a vigil for Jack, assuming they already know what happened. Which, I guess wouldn't be a shock. Inside, Will tosses his knife into a table over and over again dejectedly. Everyone else sits around staring into space like shell-shocked refugees. Tia offers them mugs of something to ward off "the cold and the sarrow". Liz takes one numbly. Tia bends beside Will and says "it's a shame. I know you're tinking that with de Pearl ya coulda captured de devil and set free your fadder's soul." Is it just me or has her accent gotten stronger? Will says it doesn't matter now. The Pearl is gone. "Along with its captain" and his last shred of love and respect for Liz. "Aye," Gibbs says. "And already the world seems a little less bright." I believe "colorful" would be a more accurate choice of adjective, but go on. He says Jack fooled them all right up to the end but "I guess that honest streak finally won out." Oy. Liz looks guilty. Gibbs proposes a toast to Jack. Curly and Larry tearfully add that there's never another like him (hopefully) and he was "a gentleman of good fortune." "All right, I chained him to the mast and left him to die," Liz shouts. "There, are you happy?! God, leave me alone!" Or she nods and says he was a good man. Will squints at her but seems to soften. "If there was anything could be done to bring him back," he says gently. Seriously, writers, I'm gathering that army of dogs right now and if Liz ends up with Jack by the end of this movies, so help me, I'll send them right to your door. Don't think I won't! "Would you do it," Tia cuts in eagerly. She turns to address them all. "What would you...hm? What would any of you be willing to do, hmm? Would ye sail to da ends of de Eart and beyond to fetch back witty Jack and him precious Pearl?" Long pause. "What the hell is she talking about?" "I have no idea, just nod. Maybe she'll bring us more liquor." "Aye," Gibbs says confidently. Larry and Curly fall in and Cotton's parrot chirps "aye". What, no "shiver me timbers"? Liz agrees. Will finally nods and whispers "aye". Tia smiles triumphantly and says if they're going to brave the "weird and haunted shores at world's end" then they'll need a captain "who knows dose waters." She turns to look at the stairs in the corner where a pair of boots appear and thump ominously down, practically shaking the rickety wooden steps. The crew all gather at the bottom and gape as...Barbossa comes into view. "So tell me. What's become of my ship," he asks as Hans Zimmer brings the music to a dramatic crescendo. Barbossa takes a bite out of an apple and Jack the Monkey leaps onto his shoulder. Apple juice dribbles from his chin and he cackles like the raving loony he is. The monkey squawks at the camera and we smash to black and roll credits. Okay, this movie may have dragged a little in the middle, but that? Was totally awesome. But seriously, Ted and Terry. Army of dogs. I mean it. Watch yourselves. TO BE CONTINUED...in 2008. Possibly. Diandra Hollman