"Sherlock, episode 4x01: The Six Thatchers“

Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch, Martin Freeman, Rupert Graves, 
Jonathan Aris, Mark Gatiss, Una Stubbs, Louise Brealey, Amanda 
Abbington


Previously on Sherlock: Sherlock killed a guy to protect John 
and Mary because he promised he would and Mycroft talked the 
British government into sparing him whatever prison sentence in 
favor of sending him off on some suicide mission that was cut 
short when Moriarty appeared on every television screen in 
England. Or at least the London area. Presumably because he 
knew he was headed to his death, Sherlock did enough drugs to 
kill a small horse before he got on the plane, which Mycroft 
claims is why his trip into his mind palace to solve the 
mystery of how Moriarty could possibly have survived being shot 
in the head was trippier than usual (although it didn't look 
any worse than the time he was dying).

We open on some shaky footage of Sherlock shooting Magnusson, 
which Mycroft is showing to the same people he had to convince 
to send Sherlock on that mission instead of just locking him up 
and throwing away the key. He says it's "beyond top secret", so 
the woman who takes minutes cannot record anything. The only 
people allowed to know about this are in the room and have the 
codenames Antarctica, Langdale, Porlock and Love.
   Chrissy: I assume since he's so warm and cuddly that 
    Mycroft is Antarctica.
   Diandra: That would probably depend on who chose the 
    names.

Sherlock is sitting next to him tapping away on his phone, the 
keyboard clicking noise playing loudly because apparently he 
took it off mute for some reason. Mycroft stops talking 
midsentence to bark "are you TWEETING" at him. He jumps and 
flips his phone over like a kid caught with his hand in the 
cookie jar and says "no! Of course I'm not tweeting. Why would 
I be tweeting?" Mycroft wrestles the phone from his hand and 
reads "back on terra firma. Free as a bird." Sherlock grumbles 
that he's being a spoilsport. Mycroft snaps at him to try to 
take this seriously. Sherlock asks what makes him think he 
isn't taking it seriously. "Hashtag oh what a beautiful 
morning," Mycroft reads dryly. Sherlock defensively says that 
he was JUST sent on a mission that was guaranteed to kill him. 
And now here he is, back home safely and...he gets distracted 
when he notices the plate of ginger snaps (nuts in Britain) on 
a table and goes to grab a handful. Oh, and he's still riding a 
massive high. Lady Smallwood (remember her?) notes that the 
doctors said he was clean. Yeah, you might want to check their 
credentials again. Sherlock, between mouthfuls of cookies, says 
he is and he doesn't need stimulants anymore now that he has 
work again. This is a natural high that comes from seeing your 
life flash before your eyes (because you took enough stimulants 
to stop your heart at least twice) and surviving. Then he sings 
(sort of) that he's just glad to be alive and starts rambling 
about what the other people in the room would do on such a 
lovely day. 

This goes on until Lady Smallwood's patience runs out and she 
snaps "Mr. Holmes", which, of course, both brothers respond to. 
Mycroft plays the video again, which has been edited so that it 
looks like Sherlock never actually raised the gun in his hand. 
Sherlock asks who shot Magnusson then. The guy who isn't 
Mycroft says it was some overenthusiastic sniper. Sherlock 
sniffs that that's not what happened at all. Mycroft says as 
far as anyone knows, it IS what happened. The guy says they 
have some very talented people working for them and if James 
Moriarty can hack into every broadcast channel in the country, 
they can edit a damn video. THAT is now the official version of 
the video they will be circulating to whoever asks what 
happened. So, Lady Smallwood notes, he doesn't actually need an 
official pardon anymore. As far as anyone knows, he did 
nothing. Sherlock, who has been tossing pieces of ginger nut 
into his mouth and chewing twitchily the entire conversation, 
jams the last cookie in his mouth and jumps up like he's going 
to run for it before they change their mind. Lady Smallwood is 
like hold up...you said Moriarty filmed that message before he 
died, but you "know what he's going to do next". Other guy 
suggests this was the extent of it: random fearmongering from a 
terrorist. Sherlock says nah, that would be too pedestrian for 
him. He planned something far more long term and elaborate. A 
sort of dead man's switch in case he didn't make it off the 
roof.
   Chrissy: Or, you know...somebody else who is still alive 
    was behind him the entire time and he was just doing 
    their bidding.
   Diandra: Let's not address that character assassination 
    until we absolutely have to, hmm?
Lady Smallwood reminds him that THIS is what they brought him 
back for and asks what he plans to do. Sherlock says since he's 
the target all he has to do is wait. The trouble will 
eventually come to him.

Credits.

We come back to some footage of an aquarium. Specifically, the 
sharks. Sherlock voiceovers a story about a Persian merchant 
meeting a surprised Death at the market in Bagdad. Of course, 
the merchant was scared out of his mind and ran like hell all 
the way to Samarra, only to find Death waiting there for him. 
Rather than trying to run to another city, he accepted his 
fate, but wanted to know why Death was so surprised to see him 
in the market. "Because I had an appointment with you tonight 
in Samarra," Death said. This is the paradox that makes all 
time travel stories a bitch.

Sherlock stabs a whole stack of papers into the mantle over the 
fireplace, noting that at this rate, he's going to need another 
knife. He frowns at John, tapping on his computer, but doesn't 
comment on the fact that he is clearly just massaging the 
keyboard and the screen is stuck on a Microsoft Paint image of 
his blog because this is the first sign that the people behind 
this show aren't really even trying this season. Mary is pacing 
and looking uncomfortable. She asks what Sherlock is planning 
to do about Moriarty then. Sherlock flops into his chair, 
tapping away at his phone, while he explains that he's going 
to...um...monitor the situation and wait for Moriarty's next 
move. Hovertext says he is Tweeting again with the hashtag 
221bringit! John notes that his plan is basically to just sit 
around solving crimes like he always did. 
   Chrissy: I mean, it's like you think this show is about 
    CASES or something.
   Diandra: I know, right? Ridiculous.
Sherlock smirks at him like 'yep!' and grabs a sheet from the 
knife. 

Montage of cases featuring flashes of blog entries that were 
apparently never actually made. Sherlock is tapping away 
noisily on his phone the entire time. First woman says they 
thought her...husband...somebody...drowned, but when the 
coroner's office opened his lungs they found sand. Sherlock 
declares it "superficial" and they move on with no explanation. 

The next one has Sherlock inspecting a bag full of ice and a 
dismembered finger. Sherlock calls for somebody to come back 
because "it's the wrong thumb". A door slams downstairs. 

Next is a guy who manages to be in two places at once and dead 
in one of them. But Sherlock still insists it can't be twins 
because "it's never twins" is a running joke now. 

Then he has an inspector (the guy from the episode nobody liked 
and who probably nobody remembers) and a coroner on split 
screen video chat, solving two cases at once, one of which 
seems to be the case that was mentioned at the beginning of 
"The Abominable Bride" of the dismembered body. While he's 
doing this, he's STILL tapping away at his phone. John and Mary 
both try to get his attention because they are concerned about 
all this burning the candle at both ends he's doing.

Cut to him telling a client that he killed his own brother and 
doesn't remember because his medication causes amnesia. He's 
still tapping on his phone. Possibly taking notes and thinking 
about how he could alter this guy's strategy successfully 
should he ever need to get rid of his own brother.

Both John and Sherlock arrive home, laughing about something 
having to do with a jellyfish, and John realizes he has fifty-
nine missed calls on his phone. From Mary. "We're in trouble," 
Sherlock concludes. And then we jump right to John speeding a 
car toward the hospital and trying to coach Mary, screaming in 
the back, through lamaze breathing. He glares at Sherlock, who 
is sitting next to Mary tapping away at his phone, and Sherlock 
belatedly jumps in to coach her. She snarls at him and slams 
his face into the window. He is still somehow tapping on his 
phone. Mary yells at John to pull over NOW and screams and 
Sherlock looks at her lap, wide-eyed.

And then we're at the Watson house and Mrs. Hudson is taking 
pictures of them with the baby while Molly drinks champagne. 
Sherlock is standing in the corner staring at his phone. Mrs. 
Hudson asks what the baby's name is. John says "Catherine". 
Mary says no, they changed their minds about that. "Have we," 
John asks. Sherlock reminds them that they already have his two 
cents on the matter and they both snap that Sherlock is NOT a 
girl's name. John tells Mrs. Hudson and Molly that they would 
like them to be godparents. Then, after a hesitation, John says 
"you too, Sherlock." Sherlock doesn't look up as he says 'hmm? 
whatsat?' John says he'd like him to be the baby's godfather. 
"God is a ludicrous fiction dreamt up by inadequates who 
abdicate all responsibility to an invisible magic friend," 
Sherlock grumbles while apparently solving three more cases via 
text. John says yeah, but...just do it, okay? Also, there will 
be cake involved at the ceremony.
   Chrissy: You mistake him for Mycroft.
   Diandra: It can't be a shared weakness?

So they're all at the christening and Sherlock is STILL goddamn 
texting. Mary tells the priest that the baby's name is Rosamund 
Mary. Both Sherlock and John look surprised by this. Molly 
explains to Sherlock that the name means "rose of the world" 
and they are calling her "Rosie" for short. Then, after a 
pause, she adds that it was in the text John sent so he should 
KNOW that. Sherlock mutters that he deletes his texts, or any 
text that begins with "hi". Molly snarks that it's a wonder why 
people think he's incapable of human emotion. Then she directs 
him to put the damn phone away and he puts it behind his back 
and continues typing blindly. The priest asks if the godparents 
are ready to perform their duties. The women both respond and 
Sherlock stares blankly. Molly elbows him and the British male 
version of Siri apologizes that he didn't catch that from 
behind Sherlock's back. John looks annoyed, but nobody is 
really surprised.

And then we're back in 221b where Sherlock is grumbling that 
"Watson", as usual, sees but does not OBSERVE. He turns to 
John's chair and continues to blather about how "to you the 
world is an impenetrable mystery whereas to me it is an open 
book. Hard logic versus romantic whimsy. You fail to connect 
actions to their consequences. Now, for the last time, if you 
want to keep the rattle, do not throw the rattle." We switch 
view to show Rosie sitting in her dad's chair in some sort of 
baby seat. Sherlock hands her the aforementioned toy and we cut 
back to his face as she chucks it into his nose. Rosie giggles 
happily.
   Chrissy: That's my girl.
   Diandra: Yeah, see if you're still laughing when her 
    first word is "idiot".
None of this wakes up John and Mary, who are passed out in a 
heap on the couch on the other side of the room. 

We cut to John sitting on a bus, his eyes still closed, so if 
your chosen method of dealing with the general fuckery that is 
this season is to believe that it is all happening in John's 
head somehow or we are in some sideways world where the old 
rules no longer apply, now would be the point where that break 
would occur. Because in hindsight, this is the point when 
everything started to go sideways. 

John is startled awake by his phone buzzing. He pulls up a 
message from Sherlock asking him to come around 221b tomorrow 
at five because Lestrade says he has a case for them. John 
doesn't respond, so Sherlock sends a follow up: "Mary says it's 
okay." 
   Chrissy: Good of you to check with the boss first. 
    You're learning.
   Diandra: I thought I was Mary.
   Chrissy: Yeah, well, you were too slow to respond.
John puts the phone away, then catches a striking redhead 
smiling at him. He becomes self conscious immediately, fussing 
with his hair and sneaking glances at her. She is playing with 
a piece of paper in her lap.

The bus stops and John gets off. He catches sight of himself in 
one of the windows of the bus and realizes he still has a 
flower in his hair that he put behind his ear while he was 
diapering Rosie earlier. He takes it out as the bus drives 
away.

221b. Um...I guess it's the next day already. Lestrade fills 
him in on the details of the case he promised would be a "good 
one". We see the events in flashback. Some guy named David 
Welsborough had a 50th birthday party at the mansion he 
apparently lives in. He and his wife have an inane little 
conversation to establish how very much in love with each other 
they still are. Then the wife complains that that bust of 
Margaret Thatcher on the table in the room they just moved into 
is "looking at me disapprovingly again". 
   Chrissy: Nothing personal. She looked at everyone that 
    way.
   Diandra: Except possibly Ronald Regan which tells you 
    everything you need to know about her.

David's phone buzzes and he takes the call over his wife's 
objections. She softens when she sees it's coming through 
Skype, which means "it must be Charlie". A twenty-something 
appears on his screen (and suspended beside them for the 
audience) with a mountain scene in the background and says "hi 
dad!" The connection starts breaking up immediately as he 
wishes dad a happy birthday and apologizes for missing the 
party. The image freezes entirely and cuts out. Charlie 
apologizes for the terrible signal, but says he can still hear 
him. David puts the phone to his ear and asks where Charlie is 
anyway. Mom, not liking being cut off, does the standard mom 
questions, demanding David ask if he's eating properly. Yeah. 
He's a guy. My dad once told me that when he was living on his 
own his idea of "healthy eating" was pouring dressing over a 
head of lettuce and eating it over the sink. Someone calls them 
(her name is Emma, apparently) and David moves away to find a 
quieter place. Charlie is slow to respond now, though, and says 
he's a bit..."nothing. Probably it's the altitude." He reminds 
dad he's in Tibet. Then he asks if dad can do him a favor and 
go check something on his car. "The guys here don't believe 
I've got a Power Ranger stuck to the bonnet. Could you take a 
photo and send it?" Dad goes out to the car and takes a picture 
of the blue Power Ranger figure jammed over the Ford logo. He 
hits send and asks if Charlie got it. There's no response. He 
assumes the connection died and hangs up.

Lestrade says the weird part comes a week later when a drunk 
driver smashed into that car, still in front of the house, 
after being chased by some cops. The car, either because it's 
in TV land or because it's a Ford, explodes in an enormous 
fireball. Lestrade says the drunk guy survived, but after the 
fire was put out, they found a body in the parked car. DNA 
tests verified that it was Charlie, the son who was supposedly 
in Tibet. And it was empty the night of the party. Sherlock, 
eyes closed and in thinking pose, chuckles. John asks for the 
lab report. Lestrade digs it out while he adds that David is a 
cabinet minister, so there's kind of a lot of pressure to solve 
this case. Sherlock grumbles that nobody cares about that part 
and asks for more details on the seats of the car. He snatches 
another report from Lestrade and reads that two different types 
of vinyl were found. He asks if it was Charlie's actual car. 
Lestrade says yeah, it was nothing fancy because he was a 
student. Sherlock notes that vinyl is cheaper than leather. 
Lestrade blinks at him like yeah...okay... John pipes up that 
according to the autopsy, Charlie had been dead a week before 
the fire. "Oh, this IS a good one," Sherlock chortles. "Is it 
my birthday?"
   Chrissy: Are...are you actually asking? I can't tell.
   Diandra: Well, since this season is all about changing 
    everything that was previously agreed upon by 
    generations of Sherlock Holmes fans, it's quite 
    possible he doesn't actually know when it is anymore.

Sherlock says he'll help on one condition: that Lestrade takes 
all the credit because "it gets boring if I just solve them 
all." Lestrade grumbles that he says that and then John puts it 
in his blog and he gets all the credit anyway, making Lestrade 
look like "some sort of prima donna who insists on getting 
credit for something he didn't do."
   Chrissy: And we all know if anyone here fits that 
    description, it would be YOU.
   Diandra: Are you calling me a drama queen again?
   Chrissy: If the shoe fits, dear.
John smirks and notes that Sherlock has hit some sort of "sore 
spot". Sherlock sighs and says FINE he'll take all the credit. 
Again.
   Chrissy: You think maybe he does this as some sort of 
    reverse psychology?
   Diandra: Probably. It's probably more that this is an 
    attempt to reference the original stories that doesn't 
    quite work. Doyle's stories had John writing them some 
    years AFTER the cases were finished. So whichever 
    investigator was working the case took credit at the 
    time and John outed Sherlock as the real brains behind 
    it long after the fact.
   Chrissy: Too bad that's all he outed him for.
   Diandra: Yeah, I regretted that word choice the second I 
    said it.
 
Sherlock says yeah, sure, he'll solve it. He calls Lestrade 
"Giles" and everyone kind of freezes like 'seriously?' Sherlock 
grins, says he's just kidding, then mouths "what is it" at 
John. John mouths back "GREG" twice and they both pretend they 
weren't just doing that when Lestrade looks up from putting the 
papers back in his briefcase. John says it's kind of obvious 
what happened, isn't it? Sherlock says oh, really? He's solved 
it then? John says no, he was just expecting Sherlock to say 
that because this is usually the point where he does. Sherlock 
gets up to get his coat and pointedly calls Lestrade "Greg". 
Lestrade and John smile like 'see? he figured it out 
eventually.' This probably making Lestrade think of training a 
small child, he asks John how things are with Rosie. John says 
it's great. Lestrade asks if he's getting any sleep. "Christ, 
no," John says flatly. "You at the beck and call of a 
screaming, demanding baby, woken up all hours to obey his every 
whim? Must feel very different," he says, staring at Sherlock 
pointedly. Sherlock is like 'huh? what? but I thought the baby 
was a girl...'
   Chrissy: Yes, he is.
   Diandra: Really, John? Really?
   Chrissy: Sorry, that sounded sexist, didn't it? You're 
    not a girl. But refer back to previous conversations 
    re: you being a drama queen.

John continues the joke as they go down the stairs, saying it's 
all about cleaning up their messes and patting them on the 
head. Sherlock is like 'okay, seriously, what is this?' John 
pretends he can't hear him. And they NEVER say thank you. 
Lestrade piles on with "it's all 'oh, aren't you so clever?'" 
Sherlock stops and asks if this is some sort of joke and if 
it's about him. Lestrade tells John he thinks the big baby 
needs "winding". John agrees. Sherlock grumbles that he really 
doesn't get this joke.
   Chrissy: We know sweetie. It's a good thing you're cute.
   Diandra: You do remember me saying I had run through 
    scenarios in my head of ways I could kill you and get 
    away with it, right? 
   Chrissy: Yeah. Could have done without that in the best 
    man's speech.

So the three of them visit the mansion. As they go inside, 
Lestrade begs Sherlock to "go easy on them". "You know me," 
Sherlock blusters. Yeah. Hence why he said that. John is 
distracted by a phone call from Mary. He answers by swearing he 
remembered to get the diapers and the cream he was supposed to 
get for the baby. Mary is like 'yeah, whatever, are you at the 
dead kid's house yet?' She is standing in the Watson's kitchen, 
bouncing the baby on her hip distractedly while she asks what 
sort of theories Sherlock has so far. Because despite what some 
asshole once told my mother, women CAN, in fact, walk and chew 
bubble gum at the same time. Specifically, she's wondering if 
they've got anything more than the two types of vinyl thing. 
Sherlock grabs the phone from John's hands and demands to know 
how she knows that much. She says receptionists hear 
everything. He asks if she's solved it then. She says she's 
working on it. He says motherhood is slowing her down. She 
calls him a pig. He smirks and gives the phone back to John. 
Mary asks what John is planning to call this one. "The Ghost 
Driver," he says. Sherlock begs him to stop giving them titles. 
He hates that. John says the readers love them though and he 
really thinks they should give the people what they want. "No, 
never do that," Mofftiss say through their Sherlock puppet. 
"People are stupid."

I um...had a comment for that one, but I've decided to 
just...leave it at that.

So they go into the main sitting room and Sherlock greets David 
and Emma and says he's sorry to hear about their daughter. 
"Son," John corrects. "Son," Sherlock says like 'that didn't 
happen and you will NOT put that in the story'. Lestrade 
introduces them to Sherlock and David says they've heard a lot 
about him. And you still wanted him to help you? Really? 
Sherlock is immediately distracted by the shrine to Margaret 
Thatcher set up on the table (now missing the bust that was 
looking at Emma disapprovingly). Everything goes watery and 
ominous like the shark tank has been superimposed over this. 
After a couple seconds he snaps out of it and tries to refocus 
on David, except David is just rambling about how Charlie was 
their whole world and they may never get over this. Sherlock 
excuses himself and wanders over to the shrine. 

John follows and asks what's wrong now. Sherlock has no idea, 
he just has a feeling... John scoffs at this and Sherlock 
lectures him about intuition being data processed too fast for 
the mind to fully comprehend. He points at the table and asks 
David what it is. David, rightly embarrassed, says he was 
always a fan of "Mrs. T" since he was first getting started in 
business. Her anti-labor policies really appealed to you, huh? 
Sherlock says right, yes of course. Sorry, who is this again? 
David splutters that he can't possibly NOT recognize Margaret 
Thatcher, the first female Prime Minister of the country. 
Sherlock says yeah, of course. Wait...what's a Prime Minister? 
John snaps that Sherlock knows PERFECTLY well who she is (as he 
demonstrated back in Hounds of Baskerville although now I'm not 
sure Mofftiss actually remember details like that about 
previous episodes, so...) and asks why he's stalling. 

David goes back over to the couch with his wife, annoyed. I'd 
like to think this is the real reason Sherlock is pretending 
not to know her (because, as I said, previous episodes show 
that he DOES know who Margaret Thatcher was). Sherlock mutters 
to John that there's a gap on the table. Everything is 
perfectly ordered to the point of OCD. One of the figures is 
repositioned and the picture straightened after the maid cleans 
but there's a giant, ugly gap in the middle of it all like 
something went missing recently. David says yes, there used to 
be a plaster bust there. Emma snaps that it was broken and this 
has NOTHING to do with Charlie, so what is the point of it? 
Sherlock points to the floor and notes that there's a rug 
underneath it so how could it have simply fallen and broken?
   Chrissy: Because Emma knocked it so it would land just 
    past the rug?
   Diandra: The bitch kept GLARING at me!
No. Emma repeats that this has nothing to do with what they 
called him for. John apologizes to her, but says it's worth 
just letting Sherlock go on whatever tangents he finds because 
he gets the results in the end. Emma asks if he's "mad". John 
says no, he's an asshole. David says FINE, they had a break in 
and some little twerp smashed the bust out on the porch. To add 
ridiculousness to insult, he bemoans that anyone would hate her 
so much that they would go through so much trouble to destroy a 
likeness of her. Yeah. You do remember when she died and the 
song "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" saw a massive spike in 
downloads from the UK, right? Or did you just pretend that 
wasn't happening and continue to believe everyone loved her 
because you live in a blissful little conservative bubble that 
reality can't penetrate?

Anyway. Sherlock suggests maybe it had something to do with her 
face. Ha. Then he wonders why the person didn't smash all the 
other memorabilia. Like the one where she has that smug smile 
on her face. Emma starts moaning to Lestrade that this is a 
waste of time. Sherlock interrupts that he knows what happened 
to her son. He says it's "simple", perhaps even "superficial".
   Chrissy: How about elementary?
   Diandra: Pfffttt. No. I've never said that.
He asks for further clarification on the circumstances 
surrounding the night of the break-in. This room would have 
been dark, right? And the porch would have been lit? John 
concludes that the guy who took it needed to break it somewhere 
where he could see it. Sherlock says yes, but WHY.

Emma begs him to get back to the point. He takes a deep breath, 
turns to her and spews a long explanation about how her son 
supposedly couldn't come back for his parents' 50th anniversary 
because he was in Tibet. But the first part of the phone call 
was pre-recorded. Charlie was in the car the whole time, 
covered by the second vinyl car seat so he could "surprise" dad 
when he got close enough. Except that he suffered some sort of 
seizure - possibly related to whatever was happening that he 
claimed was "altitude sickness" - and died before he could 
spring the surprise. Because nobody had any reason to check the 
car for the next week, nobody noticed until someone happened to 
crash into it and set it on fire, melting the top seat cover 
and revealing Charlie's dead body. Emma cries and Sherlock 
excuses himself to go check the porch where the bust was 
broken.

Lestrade and John follow behind him and John asks what the HELL 
is so important about this bust. Sherlock says he can't stand 
loose threads. 
   Chrissy: Well, you're REALLY not going to like the third 
   episode then. 
He announces that he's taking the car and the two of them can 
catch a bus. John asks why. Sherlock says he has to concentrate 
"and I don't want to hit you."
   Chrissy: Notice how I don't question how those two 
    concepts are related?
   Diandra: I said I was sorry about that. When are you 
    going to stop bringing it up?

Mycroft's dungeon. Seriously, that's what it looks like. 
Mycroft says he met Thatcher once. He thought she was arrogant, 
which is really something coming from him. He asks why he's 
looking at this picture on his phone. Sherlock says it's a 
picture of John and Mary's baby. Mycroft says oh! Yes! "Looks 
very.......fully functioning."
   Chrissy: Why the hell did we send him a picture?
   Diandra: Sorry. Forgot he was in the contacts.
Sherlock asks if that's really the best he can do. Yes. Why are 
you surprised? Mycroft says he was never good with "them". 
"Babies," Sherlock asks. "Humans." 
   Chrissy: You know, we keep joking that you're Sherlock, 
    but I think you might have a little Mycroft in you too.
   Diandra: I am NOT that bad.
   Chrissy: Oh? So that wasn't you grumbling about a friend 
    proudly showing off pictures of her hideous baby? And 
    making the joke about "are you sure it's fully cooked"?
   Diandra: It was a newborn. All newborns are hideous. 
    They need a month or two to stop looking like 
    Mandrakes. And stop stalking me on Twitter.

Sherlock asks if Moriarty had any sort of connection with or 
interest in Margaret Thatcher. Mycroft thinks that's a 
ridiculous question. But he humors Sherlock to say that in the 
last year he was alive, Moriarty was involved in four political 
assassinations, 70 plus robberies and terrorist attacks 
"including a chemical weapons factory in North Korea."
   Chrissy: Ugh. The Brits are using North Korea as the 
    generic bad guy factory too?
   Diandra: Isn't everybody outside of Asia?
Oh, and he was showing interest in tracking down the "Black 
Pearl of the Borgias". He notes that that is still missing just 
in case Sherlock wanted to do something USEFUL. "It's a pearl. 
Get another one," Sherlock grumbles. Mycroft rolls his eyes. 
The water effect thing starts again because that will be a 
theme throughout this season apparently and Sherlock mutters 
that there's something important about this. "Something's 
coming." Mycroft frowns and asks what the hell that's about. Is 
he having a premonition? Sherlock shakes himself and spews some 
nonsense about premonition just being the interactions of the 
billions of people and their collective consciousness and if 
you could quantify that you could totally predict the future. 
Or something. Honestly, I'm not sure I can bring myself to try 
to make sense out of anything on this show anymore. 

Mycroft starts talking about the Samarra story. He says 
Sherlock always hated that story as a child. In fact, he re-
wrote the ending once so that the merchant wound up in another 
city entirely and survived. 
   Chrissy: And he writes fanfiction to correct things he 
    doesn't like in a story. Okay, the similarities between 
    you and him are getting scary.
Sherlock is like 'okay, we're done here'. "Then he becomes a 
pirate for some reason," Mycroft continues. 
   Chrissy: Yep. Definitely fanfiction. 
   Diandra: I want to know which of the writers are pulling 
    this from their own personal experience because you 
    KNOW they were doing this as children.
   Chrissy: Oh, both of them, probably. But Moffat's were 
    probably more likely to feature Deus Ex Machinas in the 
    form of the Doctor rescuing people.
   Diandra: Definitely.
Sherlock grumbles at Mycroft to "keep me informed". Mycroft 
asks what he's supposed to keep him informed about. Sherlock 
doesn't know, he just wants out of this conversation. He stomps 
off and we literally smash to the next scene in a cutaway 
worthy of somebody's film school project.

We pan across the broken pieces of another Thatcher bust, 
unfortunately still recognizable, and end up on an extreme 
closeup of a man's eye. He seems to be crying and breathing in 
a way that suggests he's scared of something. A voice says 
"ammo". Another statue smashes. 

And we're outside 221b with a pretty woman we've never met 
before. Lestrade arrives, greets "Stella" and asks if she's 
waiting to talk to Sherlock or something. She says he has a 
client in there.
   Chrissy: Oh, that's just what he says when he and John 
    are...um...
   Diandra: Playing Cluedo.
   Chrissy: You know, I don't think that euphemism is used 
    outside of those Twitter accounts. Nice going getting a 
    bunch of teenagers mad at you for suggesting you would 
    kill Sherlock in a story, by the way.
   Diandra: Ugh. Don't remind me. Those accounts were fun 
    until the insane fangirls ruined them.

Lestrade is like okay, so guess I'm waiting here too then. He 
tries to make awkward small talk about her still "seeing" 
Sherlock, which...um...when? What? She says she just "pops 
round" every so often when she finds a really good case. 
Lestrade asks what she's here for now. She says Interpol is 
still fretting over that Black Pearl thing...
   Chrissy: Borgia Pearl. 
   Diandra: Yeah, well...that won't be the last time I do 
    that.
They think it traces back to London. She redirects to ask how 
he and Greg first met. Lestrade says it was ten years ago where 
an old lady died of hypothermia inside a sauna. Don't bother 
checking the Doyle cannon to see if that's some sort of Easter 
egg. It's not. However, the rest of this episode is pretty 
faithful to "The Six Napoleons", which I'm surprised to find 
Mofftiss actually read since they misidentified a quote from it 
in the commentary of a previous episode.

Sherlock opens the door and yells at them to be quiet, then 
slams it again. The detectives act like children who have been 
banished to a corner.

Inside, Sherlock continues whatever conversation he was 
supposedly having with the client, expositing that he wasn't 
always in life insurance. He used to be a manual laborer, as 
evidenced by the fact that his dominant hand is significantly 
larger than the non-dominant. The client says he was a 
carpenter just like his father. Sherlock, barely listening, 
adds that he's unsuccessfully trying to give up smoking and he 
once had a Japanese girlfriend that he is now indifferent to. 
   Chrissy: What have we said about showing off?
   Diandra: I don't know, I wasn't listening.

The client looks down at the e-cigarettes in his pocket and 
says oh...that. Sherlock says there are TEN of them and if he 
was just using e-cigarettes because he wanted to smoke indoors 
he would use "one of those irritating electronic pipe things", 
but that would be admitting defeat and he really is determined 
to quit. So he keeps buying individual ones because he's sure 
each one will be the last. "Anything to add, John?" Sherlock 
looks at John's chair and jumps a little as he realizes there 
is nothing there but a red balloon with a face drawn on it in 
sharpie. "John," he asks and the thought bubble over his head 
says "I didn't take any drugs today, why am I hallucinating? 
Please tell me I'm not the only one seeing this!" John sticks 
his head out from around the corner dividing the sitting room 
from the kitchen, coffee cup in hand, and says yes, he's 
listening. "What is that," Sherlock demands to know. John says 
it's a substitute for him. You know, since he's basically a 
replacement for the skull on the mantelpiece and Sherlock 
doesn't even notice whether he's there or not before he starts 
talking. Sherlock acts embarrassed and says "don't be so hard 
on yourself. You know I value your...little... contributions." 
John notes that the balloon has been sitting there since 9am. 
Sherlock asks where John was then. John says he was helping 
Mrs. Hudson with her sudoku. Jesus, how many hours did that 
take? It's really not THAT difficult.

The client tries to redirect Sherlock back to him by asking how 
he knew about the girlfriend thing. Sherlock says oh, he has a 
Japanese looking tattoo on his arm with the name "Akako" that 
he's tried to have removed. The client notes that that would 
suggest he was trying to FORGET her, wouldn't it? Sherlock 
thinks in that case he would have "obliterated" the name 
entirely, but since the first attempt to remove the tattoo 
didn't work and he hasn't tried again he obviously decided he 
just doesn't give a shit and he can live with the reminder. The 
client laughs and says basically that he thought Sherlock was 
some sort of wizard, but now that he's explained it it's 
actually pretty obvious. Sherlock takes a deep breath and 
glares at the client like 'I could murder you and my brother 
would bury the evidence.' He launches into a monologue about 
how the client thought his wife was having an affair 
(apparently the reason he came in the first place) because, 
honestly, he's out of her league anyway but she's really a 
Swedish spy named Greta Bengsdotter. In fact, she's the most 
dangerous spy in the world and she's been undercover for four 
years to get close to the American Embassy across the street 
from his flat in an insane plot to inject the American 
president with a new drug that will render him the puppet of 
criminal mastermind James Moriarty. At that point, Moriarty 
will use him to destabilize the United Nations before the vote 
on nuclear non-proliferation and start a chain of events that 
will inevitably lead to world war three.
   Chrissy: There should be a scroll running across the 
    bottom of this scene noting that nobody knew at the 
    time this was written or filmed that the new president 
    of the United States would be the moron puppet of a 
    shady foreigner who doesn't need to be drugged to 
    believe completely crazy bullshit and lead us into 
    World War Three.
   Diandra: Yeah, but I feel like that might give Mofftiss 
    the false impression that they are prophetic or 
    something.

John laughs and asks "you serious?" like he knows the answer 
already. Sherlock says no, of course his wife left him because 
he has horrible halitosis and he likes to wear her lingerie. 
The guy whimpers that he does NOT. Well...just the bras... 
Sherlock stomps over to the door and holds it open, ordering 
the guy to leave. Then he slams the door on the guy's back like 
Lestrade and that other woman aren't still out there waiting to 
talk to him. John asks what all of "this" is about. Sherlock 
says he's having fun. "While I can." 
   Chrissy: Before Mofftiss take it all away from me.
The woman knocks before letting herself in, babbling that she 
just needs to talk to Sherlock about... "Borgia Pearl. Boring. 
Go," Sherlock interrupts, shoving her out the door and slamming 
it. Lestrade opens it again and Sherlock grumbles that this one 
had better be good. Lestrade holds up an evidence back full of 
broken pieces of Margaret Thatcher's face. He says this is a 
different one belonging to a different owner in a completely 
different part of town. Are there a lot of people who would own 
one of those? In 2015? Really? 

Sherlock stares at the pieces and the special effects 
department blows part of the budget for all three episodes on 
an effect to superimpose a piece of the bust over his face for 
no reason whatsoever. I mean, it's neat, but I will be bringing 
this up again when I question their ability to budget 
appropriately later. "The game is on," he says because we have 
to figure out a way to work that line in at least once an 
episode now.

Sherlock inspects the broken pieces under his microscope while 
Lestrade says there's actually been TWO more broken statues, 
one belonging to Mohandes Hassan, the other to a Doctor 
Barnicot. John notes that they're not just busts of the same 
person, they're the SAME bust. Lestrade doesn't understand this 
oddly specific behavior. John suggests the person who did it is 
one of those people who gets an idea in their head and just 
CAN'T LET IT GO. He looks very pointedly at Sherlock as he says 
this. Sherlock of course misses the significance of that and 
points out that there were other pictures of this woman - 
Margaret, was it? - at the first scene that were untouched. 
Seriously, is this pretending he doesn't know who she is thing 
supposed to be a running joke? Why? 
   Chrissy: You need to stop assuming there is a rhyme and 
    reason to the things television writers do.
   Diandra: I just...aaarrrrrrrgggggghhhh.

He finds blood on one of the pieces and asks Lestrade if anyone 
was injured. Lestrade says no, so Sherlock concludes the 
suspect must have cut themselves while they were breaking the 
statue. He shoves the bloodied piece in a bag and announces 
that they're going to Lambeth to see Toby. John pretends to 
know what he's talking about for a half a second, then asks who 
Toby is. Sherlock just says wait and see and John, obviously 
long ago having recognized the pointlessness of trying to get 
answers out of him, just goes along with it. He asks if 
Lestrade is coming. Sherlock says he isn't because he has a 
lunch date with a brunette forensic officer, which is why he 
has been looking at his watch approximately every five seconds 
since he came through the door. Lestrade asks who told him that 
like he hasn't known Sherlock for a decade and should have 
stopped asking shit like that long ago. Sherlock points out the 
hairs on his jacket, the smell of formaldehyde coming off him 
and the blatantly obvious watch thing. Lestrade goes to leave 
and Sherlock, tapping away on his phone again, mutters that 
she's not right for him though. Lestrade is like yeah, fuck 
off. John asks what makes him say that after Lestrade is out of 
earshot. Sherlock says she has three children in Rio Lestrade 
doesn't know about. John asks if he's making that part up. 
"Possibly," Sherlock says. And then John asks who Toby is 
again, blowing my theory that maybe he's learned something from 
the last few years.
   Chrissy: If he had he wouldn't still BE here.
   Diandra: Good point.

As we montage our way to a flat in Lambeth, Sherlock rambles 
about a hacker kid he knows who got in trouble with the 
Americans a couple years ago by hacking into the Pentagon. 
Somehow Sherlock managed to get the charge cleared, so he owes 
him a favor. John asks how a hacker is supposed to help them. 
Sherlock is like 'note the fact that I never said his name.' A 
chubby guy with clunky glasses opens the door and Sherlock 
greets him as Craig. Then he introduces John to Toby, the 
bloodhound who slinks out the door behind him. And then Mary 
sticks her head out, holding Rosie who is wearing a bright pink 
bunny outfit. Or something with ears anyway. John splutters and 
says they agreed they wouldn't take the baby on a case. Mary 
says yes, they did. She hands Rosie over to him and tells him 
not to wait up. Sherlock confirms that he's taking her along 
because "she's better at this than you." John bristles. 
Sherlock is like 'come on, she was a secret agent bad ass. 
Duh.' "Nothing personal." John asks if he's just supposed to go 
home then. They have an odd few lines of banter where Mary asks 
if they should take him along and Sherlock asks if she means 
John or the dog and Mary describes John as "handy and loyal" 
and are we trying to kill screen time or something here? John 
thinks all this sarcasm is hilarious and asks if it's too soon 
to ask for a divorce. 

And now we come to the first sign that this season was cursed 
from the start. Every interview with anyone involved with this 
scene noted that the dog playing Toby was spectacularly 
uncooperative. Sweet and perfectly friendly if the pictures of 
Amanda hugging and kissing him are any indication, but stubborn 
and immovable. So the sequence where Toby drags Sherlock on the 
trail of a scent turned into some awkwardly edited shots of the 
dog plodding along slowly at Amanda's coaxing or just because 
Benedict is running beside him, a possibly different dog 
entirely running with a GoPro attached to him, the three of 
them walking with the leash out of frame so we can't see the 
crew member monkey-shuffling while tugging the other end and 
the following little interlude. 

Sherlock, John (with the baby in a bjorn) and Mary (holding the 
leash) stand beside a phone booth, noting that the dog isn't 
moving. Sherlock insists he's "thinking". The dog whines and 
Amanda scratches his head to reassure him. "Slow, but sure, 
John. Not dissimilar to yourself." "You just like this dog, 
don't you," John asks. "Well, I like you," Sherlock retorts. 
Yeah. This is what happens when you have to rewrite a scene at 
the last possible minute.

At some point in there, Sherlock and Mary have an awkward ADR 
conversation about why the Thatcher busts were specifically 
targeted. 

They wind up in a covered marketplace, where Toby loses the 
scent to all the meat smells. Mary and John both realize that 
this is the perfect place to hide in a crowd and cover tracks. 
Sherlock scratches Toby's ears and says "better luck next 
time." But he adds that this is "the one". He can feel it. "Not 
Moriarty," John scoffs. 
   Chrissy: You ever feel like sometimes they're skipping 
    crucial parts of conversations?
   Diandra: Yes, it IS possible Moriarty has a living 
    relative determined to continue his work, but it can't 
    be a twin because it's NEVER TWINS.
   Chrissy: Like that, yes.
Sherlock says it's just too BIZARRE and "barock" (do Brits 
really pronounce baroque this way?). Whoever is doing it is 
teasing him, luring him in with something that is just TOO 
TEMPTING for him to ignore. Dude? It's broken statues. If he's 
going from strapping bombs to people and making you solve 
puzzles to free them to petty vandalism of Margaret Thatcher 
statues then he is REALLY slacking in the psycho foreplay 
department.

We get a brief cutaway to gloved hands breaking a couple more 
statues. My new theory is that Mofftiss adapted "The Six 
Napoleons" this way just so they would have an excuse to break 
a bunch of Margaret Thatcher busts. It's certainly cathartic to 
watch.

And we're at the Watson's residence. John and Mary are lying in 
bed, talking about their day. SOME day, anyway. Certainly can't 
be the day we just saw because Mary is likening it to a scene 
from "The Exorcist" and John is asking if Rosie's head was 
actually spinning around. Mary says no, but she WAS projectile 
vomiting, so... She jokes that she would think they'd have 
noticed the 666 on her forehead when she was born. John points 
out that that is "The Omen", not "The Exorcist" and you can't 
be the devil and the antichrist at the same time. Rosie wails 
from the next room and Mary asks if he's sure about that as she 
drags herself out of bed to go see what she needs. John's phone 
buzzes and he picks it up. And the flashback that totally 
wasn't clear it WAS a flashback ends.

And we're back with Toby's owner Craig the hacker. Craig is 
asking if Sherlock heard about that thing in Germany. Sherlock 
bemoans the vagueness of that question. Craig says there's this 
psychological phenomenon wherein people are missing the "good 
old days" of Communist rule. Uh-huh. Get back to me in a year 
or two when they're waxing nostalgic for the Nazis because 
APPARENTLY THAT'S A THING NOW. Anyway, the reason he's thinking 
about it is because it turns out there's a real market online 
for Cold War memorabilia. Thatcher statues are just as popular 
as Regan and Stalin shit. "Time is a great leveler, innit?" 
Sherlock would like Craig to get to the point faster. Where did 
the statues come from, exactly? Craig says according to the 
supplier: Georgia. I'm going to assume since this is England 
and not the United States that they mean the country. Sherlock 
needs a more specific location. Tblisi. There were six in that 
batch and he has the names of all five people who purchased 
them. Yes, somebody actually deliberately bought TWO creepy ass 
statues of Margaret Thatcher. Sherlock gets a call from 
Lestrade and asks if the new one is "Harker or Sandeford". 
Lestrade says the first one and somebody was murdered this 
time. Sherlock thinks that really "perks things up". 
   Chrissy: A bit not good.
   Diandra: Oh, like I'm going to change now?
   Chrissy: You could at least PRETEND you aren't a 
    psychopath who gets off on people killing each other.

Sherlock does some research on the black pearl of Borgia on his 
phone on the way to the crime scene. What pops across the 
screen doesn't really tell us anything new. There are no 
suspects or leads. 

At the scene, Lestrade explains that the defensive wounds on 
the victim suggest she fought her attacker before her throat 
was cut. Sherlock asks if they found the same pattern with the 
statues inside. Lestrade says yes, and there were two of them. 
Sherlock fills him in on the limited batch made in Tblisi 
thing. Lestrade wonders what the point is of destroying them 
all now. Sherlock doesn't think the point is to destroy them. 
He barely even glances at the body before announcing that he's 
headed to find the last bust in Reading owned by a Jack 
Sandeford. He congratulates Lestrade on his impending solving 
of a big case and walks away. From the dead body. I know he's 
sure he can catch the killer by following the same path he is, 
but this whole thing feels off somehow. 

So we wind up at an ultra modern, expensive looking house, not 
unlike Henry's in "Hounds of Baskerville". It's night. 
Presumably the same night but my sense of time is getting 
totally fucked up by this episode. A little girl is splashing 
around in a pool outside, when a man - obviously her dad - 
comes out to tell her it's time to go to bed. He makes sure to 
walk past the one remaining statue on his way out. The girl 
gets out and follows him inside and he turns off all the fancy 
lights by swooping his hand in front of sensors. Sherlock's 
silhouette appears outside, where he apparently waits for the 
next couple hours like a creepy serial killer.

Somehow he gets inside by the time the burglar/killer arrives 
as the second the guy grabs the bust, he turns on the lights 
and announces that it would be easier to take out his 
"grievances" in a voting booth. Which...doesn't seem to make 
any sense in this context, but whatever. I'm starting to think 
this season will go much easier for me if I stop trying to make 
sense of it. What they lack in coherent dialogue in this 
episode, they make up for in action sequences, though, so when 
the killer turns around waving a gun, they are launched into a 
fight. After Sherlock gets his face slammed into the kitchen 
counter enough times to give a normal human a concussion and 
probably render them unconscious, he rips the guy's face mask 
off and starts panting his deductions while ducking further 
punches and kicks. The guy stole something, but he had nowhere 
to hide it and he was running. So when he wound up in a 
workshop where some plaster busts were still drying, he figured 
he'd shove it inside one. Also, Sherlock demonstrates that he 
DOES know who Thatcher is by calling her the Iron Lady here. 
So. 

There's a bit more stilted dialogue that involves Sherlock 
telling the killer his name for no apparent reason before the 
killer tackles him through the plate glass window behind him 
right into the pool outside. They grapple for a while, making 
several unsuccessful attempts to drown each other, before 
Sherlock escapes back into the house, retrieves the statue from 
the killer's bag and clobbers him with it. Then while the guy 
is groaning on the floor, Sherlock demands he talk about his 
boss, Moriarty. The guy has no idea who that is. Which...I 
thought everybody knew about the trial and the taking over all 
the television thing. Sherlock continues to press this point, 
leading the killer to think he's a moron. Then Sherlock spikes 
the statue on the floor himself, declaring Interpol will be 
thrilled to recover the Black Pearl of the Borgias. Except that 
it isn't a pearl sitting among the plaster dust, but a flash 
drive labeled A.G.R.A. You know, like the one Mary gave John 
and he threw in the fire. 
   Chrissy: This is when I began to suspect this entire 
    season was one long dream sequence or something.
   Diandra: Yeah, that's why I said the scene earlier was 
    the first breaking off point if you subscribe to the 
    Bobby-Ewing-in-the-shower theory to explain the 
    weirdness of events this season. There will be more, 
    but...

Sherlock boggles at it and bends to pick it up while we flash 
back on Mary handing it to John and John throwing it on the 
fire. He mutters about this not making sense because "she 
destroyed it". The killer picks up his gun again and levels it 
at Sherlock. "You know her?" He says "she" is a bitch who 
betrayed him. Sherlock, still flailing stupidly, notes that 
this whole thing has been about Mary. The guy asks if that's 
what she's calling herself now. He demands Sherlock hand the 
drive over just as the police arrive outside, sirens wailing. A 
cop with a bullhorn yells for him to come out with his hands 
up. He returns that if they try to shoot him, he will kill this 
guy. And they can see who you're talking about? Can they even 
hear you? Oh, whatever. They continue the stilted standoff for 
a while before the killer instructs Sherlock to tell Mary she's 
a dead woman. Sherlock, totally frozen in confusion apparently, 
mutters that she's his friend and he is sworn to protect her. 
The guy is like 'yeah, well...pffffftttt', shoots out the 
lights and makes a run for it. 
   Chrissy: Dee is paraphrasing and making this sound 
    slightly better than it is, by the way. That whole 
    chunk of dialogue was actually hella awkward.
   Diandra: Thanks, Chris. 

And we flash back to Tblisi, six years ago. There is a bizarre 
hostage scenario playing out in an embassy building. One woman 
is sitting beside a chess board, making bad jokes about how 
many moves it will be before checkmate. One of the hostage 
takers roaming around waves his gun at her threateningly. Turns 
out she and the other guy at the board really are playing chess 
to pass time. The guy says they should be sending someone soon. 
She scoffs at the faith he has in this "they" to get them out. 
Although she drops a totally unsubtle hint that she has 
something "they" would love to get their hands on: "Ammo". 
Before she can say anything else, two people in full secret 
agent gear drop from the ceiling, opening fire on the hostage 
takers. Two more agents come through the doors. You know, the 
easy way. They clear the area and pause while the screen 
divides and labels them as "A", "G", "R" and "A".

"R" goes to help the woman up, calling her "Madam Ambassador". 
It is clearly Mary's voice. "What took you so long," the woman 
complains. Well, you're just never happy, are you? The team 
clear the hostages and take them into a poorly lit underground 
chamber somewhere where they run into even more of the hostage 
taker's confederates. The guy we now recognize as the one 
breaking all the Thatcher statues takes off his mask and asks 
what they should do now. Mary takes off her mask, says "we die" 
and throws a flash bomb on the ground. 

And we're back in the present. Lestrade finds Sherlock standing 
in the middle of 221b, fidgeting with the drive. He admits they 
don't have the suspect yet, but he's sure they'll have him soon 
because he couldn't have gotten far. Sherlock doesn't think so. 
He starts texting frantically. 

Elsewhere, the suspect is doing a search for Sherlock Holmes, 
running through pictures until he finds one from the wedding. 
He focuses in on Mary's face and flashes back again. 

He is chased into the workshop with the plaster busts. Things 
explode in slow motion just for shits and giggles apparently. 
He takes the flash drive from around his neck and shoves it in 
the opening at the bottom of one of the busts and is almost 
immediately captured.

We get a quick scene of some burly guys performing some 
"enhanced interrogation" on him, repeatedly saying "Ammo". He 
"passes out" and one of the guys asks what he would do if he 
knew about "the English woman". "What would you do to a 
traitor," the other guy asks. "Maybe we'll tell him one day," 
the first guy smarms awkwardly. "If he lives that long."
   Chrissy: Oh, so this is going to be one of those 'bad 
    guys sit around and reveal information in front of 
    person they think is unconscious for no apparent 
    reason' scenes, huh?
   Diandra: Yeah, I'm starting to think Mofftiss are using 
    this episode as a trial run for writing the next James 
    Bond or something. I mean...the original Sherlock 
    Holmes story is there, but the majority of this episode 
    is not up to their usual standard. 
   Chrissy: I'm afraid of what episode three is going to 
    look like if we're already complaining this much on 
    episode one. 
   Diandra: I suspect it will just be more of the same 
    except completely unmoored from the original stories.

The agent opens his eyes as soon as they leave and drools blood 
all over himself. He sees shadows move on a wall outside the 
door as the brutes "interrogate" another prisoner. He falls 
over, morphs back into the present, and takes a drink of 
something that looks like maybe Scotch.

Mary meets Sherlock at a creepy old church somewhere in a 
rainstorm. "I am an idiot," he says by way of greeting. "I know 
nothing." She shrugs off her hood, shakes off some of the rain 
and says she's been trying to tell him that for a while now. 
Heh. She notes that that was QUITE the text he sent her. And 
now that she's here, she would like to know what's going on. He 
says he was so convinced Moriarty was behind everything that he 
missed the obvious. He was expecting to find a pearl, but... He 
holds out the flash drive. She gulps. He notes that it's just 
like the one she gave John, except it belonged to someone else. 
He asks who it belonged to. She says she doesn't know, then 
rambles that they all had one, but the others...has he looked 
at the contents? Sherlock says yeah, a bit, but he wants to 
hear it from her because "I'll know the truth when I hear it."

She sighs and begins that there were four agents: Alex, Ajay, 
Gabriel and her. The drives they each had copies of guaranteed 
their trust in each other because it contained all their real 
backgrounds and aliases. "We could never be betrayed because we 
had everything we needed to destroy the other." I'm...trying to 
understand how that makes sense.
   Chrissy: Yeah, good luck with that.
They were for hire assassins who would work for whoever paid 
them. But then the coup in Georgia happened. A terrorist 
takeover of the British embassy. They were sent in, but there 
was a change of plan at the last minute and they didn't know 
who it came from. It was just a voice on the phone with the 
codeword "ammo". They went in, but that whole mess in the last 
scene happened and she was the only one who escaped in the 
confusion. She assumed everyone else died. Sherlock plugs the 
drive into a laptop and pulls up a picture of the guy who was 
looking for the Thatcher statues. She identifies him as Ajay 
and starts babbling that she really thought she was the only 
one and she wants to see him now where is he? Sherlock asks if 
she kept her stick safe before she gave it to John. She says 
yes, of course. They made sure to keep them from falling into 
enemy hands. Sherlock says Ajay hid the memory stick and has 
been looking for it. But that all happened six years ago. Where 
has he been and why is he looking for it now? Mary has no idea. 

Sherlock apologizes and says Ajay wants her dead. She thinks 
that's ridiculous because they were like family. Sherlock notes 
that the stick would be the easiest way to track her down. 
Er...how? It's been in a statue for six years, it's not like 
the information on it would be current. He just happened to 
stumble on her current identity through a ridiculous 
contrivance that caused him to run right into one of the few 
people who know her AND know who she used to be. Mary thinks 
he's just trying to find her. Sherlock says no, he said himself 
that he wants to kill her because she betrayed him. She 
splutters that that's insane. Then she slumps into a chair and 
says she always knew on some level that something from her past 
would come back to haunt her one day. She had hoped she had 
finally found peace. Sherlock reminds her that he made a vow to 
look after all three of them. If she sticks close to him, he 
intends to keep that promise. She blinks, says she'd hoped she 
wouldn't have to do this, and hands him a piece of paper, 
instructing him to read it. He opens it, stares at it for a 
second, then sniffs it and falls over. She helps him down, 
apologizing, takes the flash drive and asks him, while the room 
is spinning and wobbling from his perspective, to "look after 
him till I get back."

Sherlock has a brief little dream memory thing that I'm going 
to completely ignore for now. He comes back, realizes the flash 
drive is gone and just runs off leaving the laptop and all the 
burning candles and shit behind.

Mycroft's dungeon. Mycroft identifies Agra as a city in 
Northern India. He lists a couple facts about it while Sherlock 
stares at him like 'DID I FUCKING ASK?!'
   Chrissy: Yeah, well. Now you know how the rest of the 
   world feels.
"What are you, Wikipedia," he asks. "AGRA's an acronym." 
Mycroft bristles. Sherlock says furthermore, he knows full well 
who AGRA is because they were the best agents in the business 
and he MUST have been aware of them. Two of the members are 
still alive and the one that isn't Mary is trying to kill her. 
Mycroft says this part he didn't know, but it's unclear if he's 
being serious or not. Sherlock summarizes the chase for the 
memory stick and asks if the British government has anything to 
do with this. Mycroft babbles about how AGRA used to be 
reliable until the Tblisi thing. They stopped hiring freelance 
agents after that. It was too messy. "I don't like loose ends."
   Chrissy: I see the writers have taken a break from 
    speaking through the characters because that doesn't 
    sound like them. 
   Diandra: It is, however, a running theme of this season 
    apparently.

Sherlock grabs a piece of paper and writes "AMMO" on it, 
presenting it to Mycroft as one more detail in the case. A 
codeword. He asks Mycroft to do him a favor and look into it. 
Mycroft asks what he's going to do if he manages to neutralize 
this threat against Mary. "You think you can go on saving her 
forever?" Sherlock is arrogant enough to think so, yes. He made 
a promise. 
   Chrissy: I just realized there might be the potential 
    for a drinking game. Take a sip every time they hammer 
    the same reference over and over. Take two sips when 
    the dialogue turns to repetitive nonsense as a direct 
    or indirect result. Chug when something happens to make 
    you wonder if Mofftiss ever actually READ the original 
    stories or are just basing everything on some movies 
    and the 1980s series with Jeremy Brett.
   Diandra: Yeah, but if we start now we'll die of liver 
    poisoning. Let's hold off on the drinking until the 
    last episode. I'm pretty sure that's the only way I'm 
    going to get through that one.
Mycroft says he'll see what he can do, but reminds Sherlock 
that there's a reason why agents like Mary tend not to live to 
retirement age. Sherlock just stubbornly repeats that he's not 
going to let that happen. 

At the Watson home, John is reading a letter from Mary. It's 
literally a Dear John letter. 'I tried to start a new life, but 
the old one won't leave me alone. I have to go away to protect 
you both, but I'm not abandoning you, really. I just don't want 
you and Sherlock fucking up my plans. Love and kisses.'

We see Mary on a plane, speaking in a loud, obnoxious New York 
accent about how she hears a noise and she watched this 
documentary about why planes crash and the wing is probably 
going to come off any second and THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE but 
she doesn't like to complain, so.
   Chrissy: Like a good Jewish mother. Complain constantly 
    and then claim you don't complain.
   Diandra: Speaking from experience?
   Chrissy: I plead the fifth.
An attendant comes by to ask her to please calm down because 
everything is fine. 

Fast forward to her gagging and loudly announcing that she 
feels awful and she thinks she's dying. The attendant comes 
back to reassure her.

And then somehow, Mary is dressed as the flight attendant when 
they land, pushing a wheelchair full of the actual attendant 
dressed in her clothes. Um...how did she manage that in the 
close quarters of an airplane? Wouldn't it have been easier to 
find somebody in the airport bathroom and fuck it, I give up.
   Chrissy: Yeah, it's definitely going to be a long 
   season, isn't it?

Mary is still reading the letter in voiceover over the 
continuing montage, assuring John that there is no use trying 
to follow her because she is using a dice system to travel 
around Europe at random so even SHE doesn't know where she's 
going. She's hoping to draw the "target" as far away from John 
and Rosie as possible. She'll come back once she's finished.

Somewhere in Norway, she finds a hidden American passport with 
her picture and the name Gabrielle Ashdown. She puts on a dark 
wig so she looks like the picture in the passport and 
travels...somewhere else. And then somewhere else where there 
are palm trees and camels. And then somewhere else that looks 
Middle Eastern but map claims to be Morocco. She goes into a 
building where somebody seems to be reading bad terrorist 
dialogue ripped right from any cheesy spy movie ever. It goes 
something like 'mwahahahaha you walked right into my trap and 
now that I have you where I want you I will destroy you and 
there is nothing you can do to stop me!' Mary realizes this 
sounds off and frowns before we hear Sherlock's voice announce 
that he's won whatever game they're playing.
   Chrissy: So basically a similar gag to the 
    chess/Operation thing last season except much less 
    effective.
   Diandra: Basically. 

She comes around the corner and we see him sitting with a 
teenager. He stops and says "hi, Mary," nonchalantly. "Nice 
trip?" She stares at him and starts "how the fu..." Sherlock 
interrupts her to point out that there is a child present and 
she should probably watch her language. The boy - Karim, 
apparently - waves at her happily. Sherlock asks him to go get 
them some tea. Karim does and Mary asks no, really, HOW did he 
manage to find her. She was choosing aliases and destinations 
entirely at random. Sherlock blathers that nothing humans do is 
ever random and anyone can figure anything out if they combine 
advanced mathematics with understanding of human psychology and 
the particular habits of one person. He knows at least 58 ways 
to reduce the number of probable outcomes in a supposedly 
random array of possibilities. Then after a beat he adds that 
all of those 58 methods are really hard though, so he just put 
a tracker in the memory stick. "You bastard," she says as he 
snort laughs, although really she should have guessed this 
because a) what kind of spy doesn't check for trackers or bugs 
and b) they basically had a conversation that followed this 
exact same template back before the wedding except it was about 
him learning napkin folding on YouTube. 
   Chrissy: Incidentally, if you were looking for a sign 
    that the writers have gotten lazy...here you go. 
   Diandra: Oh, I'm sure we can find many more and better 
    examples than that.
John comes around the corner then to say that actually, the 
tracker in the memory stick was his idea and her face falls. 

We cut to the outside view where night is falling so either 
we're supposed to assume that they've been talking all along or 
they waited until after dinner or something to continue. John 
reminds Mary that she told him AGRA was her initials. 
   Chrissy: And here is the sign that the writers actually 
    don't have anything planned out in advance and are 
    totally lying their faces off when they claim they knew 
    all along that this story arc would end with a reveal 
    about Sherlock having a sister who is an evil 
    mastermind batshit crazy Hannibal ripoff. 
   Diandra: Ahem. Yeah. Maybe we should start stocking up 
    on liquor now in preparation for that last episode.
   Chrissy: [already tapping on her phone, which is open on 
    a shopping list app] Way ahead of you.
Mary says yes, well, that was sort of true, wasn't it? John 
sighs, lists all the other names again and concludes that her 
real name is Rosamund. She says yeah, Mary is her middle name. 
She always liked it better. He grumbles that he did too and 
starts pacing. She's like 'come on, don't be like this.' He 
snits that she could have STAYED and they could have TALKED and 
worked things out like a normal married couple. Pffffffftttt. 
Please. 
   Chrissy: Just because your family routinely needs 
    lawyers to act as moderators of their arguments doesn't 
    mean that's normal. 
   Diandra: Who said anything about my family?
   Chrissy: ...............
   Diandra: Sigh. Fine.

John says he may not be the greatest man, but he's pretty sure 
he's better than she gives him credit for. "Most of the time."
   Chrissy: How about we wait for a verdict on that until 
   we find out what you did with Rosie while you and 
   Sherlock went off on a potentially dangerous mission?
She says she never doubted that he was a good man. "You never 
doubted. You never judge. You never complain. I don't deserve 
you." Yeah, well, his curse is that he surrounds himself with 
people who don't deserve him. Just ask the psychopath the 
camera just revealed has been lurking in the corner this entire 
conversation for some reason. Mary says she just wanted to keep 
John and Rosie safe. Sherlock repeats that HE will keep them 
safe. 
   Chrissy: Drink.  
He says he can only do that in London though, because he knows 
the area. He pleads with her to come home. And then a red dot 
appears on John's head and Sherlock yells for them to get down. 
Ajay bursts in, shooting randomly. John and Sherlock plaster 
themselves to the ground while Mary draws her gun and shoots 
back. 

They take a break from shooting to talk to each other from 
around corners. Mary yelps that she really thought he was dead 
and she was the only one who escaped. Sherlock cuts in to ask 
how Ajay found them. He holds out his hand for Mary's gun, 
which she hands over without question. Ajay says he just 
followed Sherlock. He spews a few more lines about as bad as 
the ones Karim was reciting earlier and Sherlock shoots out the 
lamp. John pipes up that they can TALK about this and work 
things out because he's all about that strategy suddenly. Mary 
asks why he wants to kill her. Ajay rambles that those people 
held him prisoner and he watched while they tortured Alex to 
death. She looks ill, but reminds him that she lost sight of 
HIM too. Where was he when she escaped the embassy? He says he 
got out just long enough to hide the memory stick so it 
wouldn't fall into enemy hands because HE was loyal to his 
friends. He keeps babbling that they weren't even torturing him 
for information or anything. They just thought it was fun. They 
were expecting him to die too and when he didn't they just grew 
bored and left him in a cell somewhere. For six years. At which 
point he escaped. Mmmkay. Sure. He says he heard them gossiping 
about how the smarter agents had been taken down by her though. 

A car drives by outside, shining a light through the window. 
Mary grabs her gun back from Sherlock and she and Ajay come out 
into the open to face off directly. Somehow, John has a gun too 
and is pointing it at them.
   Chrissy: They felt they needed to give him something to 
   do since he's spent the last couple scenes just staring 
   at a piece of paper and looking angsty.
Mary says he knows she'll kill him. Ajay suggests he doesn't 
care. He's been planning how he would kill her every day for 
the past six years. Sherlock asks him to repeat exactly what he 
heard them saying while he was being held captive. Ajay 
entertains this plot contrivance long enough to confirm that he 
heard them say "ammo" a lot before refocusing on Mary to sneer 
that she betrayed them. Sherlock asks if they SAID it was Mary 
who betrayed them. Ajay says they kept saying it was the 
English woman. With these words, I guess his usefulness is 
officially ended, so some random guard guy comes in at that 
moment to shoot him in the back. Mary screams and she and John 
both check on him and we just...cut away.

Back in England, Mycroft is on the phone with Sherlock, who is 
relaying this information. Mycroft asks if this couldn't have 
waited until he got back. Sherlock says no, because it's not 
over yet. He summarizes that the hostage takers in Georgia knew 
AGRA were coming because a voice on the phone told them. All 
they had was a female, British voice and the codeword "ammo". 
Sherlock finally suggests that maybe it isn't "ammo" as in 
"ammunition", but "amo" as in the Latin word for "love". It 
took Sherlock Holmes how many days to arrive at this idea?
   Chrissy: I see we're back on the 'he's not as smart as 
    he thinks' argument.
   Diandra: No, I'm just saying. They came up with the 
    Rachel VS German word for revenge thing RIGHT AWAY, but 
    this never occurred to them until just now?
Mycroft, even slower to pick up on this despite supposedly 
being the smarter one, jolts with realization, says he'd better 
be right and hangs up the phone.

Lady Smallwood tries to swipe her access card at a panel in a 
government building and gets rejected. Some guys descend on her 
and apologetically explain that her security clearance has been 
temporarily suspended pending investigation. She is escorted 
away, the woman who was taking minutes in that first scene 
following her like a puppy.

Sherlock, John and Mary are headed home, taking up two whole 
rows of seats on the plane because I guess they've found the 
one airline that doesn't overbook. John flashes back to that 
morning on the bus when a pretty girl was maybe sort of 
flirting with him and he found out he had a flower in his hair. 
This time, as the bus pulls away he realizes the woman is 
standing next to him. She says hi and compliments him on the 
daisy. John lamely jokes that it's not really him like the 
writers are trying not to make this about his male pride being 
wounded by the realization that he was wearing something 
effeminate but it's really not working. She says she doesn't 
normally do this, but...and gives him her phone number before 
acting all nervous and running away. John walks away a few feet 
maybe before having an awkward little internal argument about 
whether he should put the number in the contacts of his phone 
or (upon seeing the lock screen picture of Mary and Rosie) 
throw it in the nearby trash can. 

He winds up taking it all the way home where he continues the 
debate and we see that she signed the slip "E, xx". He punches 
the number in as a new contact and sends a text that just says 
"hey". He walks away, leaving the phone on the table as it 
buzzes with a responding "hey".
   Chrissy: So...what are you wearing?
   Diandra: Which one are you supposed to be?
   Chrissy: Given that we know full well where this is 
    headed, I suppose it would make sense for me to be "E".
   Diandra: And what if I want to pretend I don't know 
    where this is going and the "E" stands for Elizabeth or 
    something?
   Chrissy: You're going to have to face it sooner or 
    later, Diandra. It's a recap. Not fan fiction.
   Diandra: Urrrrrggggghhhhhh. You know that shopping list 
    you made of the alcohol you need to stock up on before 
    episode three?
   Chrissy: Yeah?
   Diandra: Double all the numbers. 

And then we're back to that scene where John and Mary were 
talking about their day and Mary called their daughter a demon 
spawn. This time we see the message on his phone and realize it 
is "E" bemoaning the fact that it's been SO long and she misses 
him. He looks at the clock and notes that it's really late. "Or 
early," she texts back.
   Chrissy: Really, I just woke up from a lovely wet dream 
    about you.
   Diandra: .....what are you looking at me for? I thought 
    you wanted to play both of these characters.
   Chrissy: Oh. Right. This is going to be like you playing 
    both Sherlock and Mary in an argument all over again, 
    isn't it?
   Diandra: Except potentially a lot more disturbing when 
    you start the conversation like THAT.
   Chrissy: Okay, well. Here we go. I fantasize about 
    tearing your clothes off with my teeth. I really 
    shouldn't be...no, new paragraph. New paragraph. Dee, 
    I'm talking to you, stop typing.
   Diandra: What? Oh...
   Chrissy: Sigh. Give me that. [grabs keyboard]
   Chrissy: I really shouldn't be doing this. I should tell 
    you I was wearing that flower because I have a daughter 
    and she's IN THE NEXT ROOM, but...[actual line: Night 
    owl?]
   Chrissy: [actual line: Vampire.] And I want to suck you 
    dry, if you know what I mean.
   Diandra: Okay, that's enough of that. [takes keyboard 
    back]

They are mercifully interrupted as Mary comes back with Rosie 
in her arms and passes her off to John to try to get her back 
to sleep. He almost leaves his phone on the night table, then 
takes it with him. Sometime later...maybe...I have no idea 
because time seems to have become relative this season...he 
texts that this isn't a good idea because he's taken and it 
will NOT go well. But hey, it's been fun. He pushes send as he 
gets off another bus and looks up to find her waiting at the 
stop.
   Chrissy: You don't happen to have a pet rabbit, do you? 

Mycroft is interrogating Lady Smallwood, who is ranting that 
this is ridiculous and he KNOWS it. Mycroft reminds her that 
she did a briefing on foreign operations six years ago under 
the codename "love". She spits that he's basing all of this on 
a whispered voice giving a CODENAME over the phone? Really? 
Mycroft defensively notes that she was the one giving AGRA all 
their assignments. She says yes, that was her job. But she sure 
as hell didn't betray them in Georgia. She appeals to the fact 
that she and Mycroft have known each other a long time and 
swears she has no idea what is going on here. She didn't do any 
of the things he's claiming she did. Mycroft looks at the one-
way mirror to the side and we see Sherlock standing on the 
other side of it.

At the Watsons, John is babbling about how he'd like to do 
bedtime stories with Rosie because right now all he's doing is 
making noises at her. She seems to like it, but... Mary says 
she'll have to "give that a go" and muses that she has a lot to 
catch up on. How long was she gone?

Sherlock leaves the interrogation that went nowhere and stops 
on Vauxhall Bridge to ponder all the details of the case. These 
are all layered over a shot of the back of his head and include 
the comment from Mary that receptionists know everything 
because they hear everything. This is so completely random and 
seemingly unrelated to anything that it is obviously 
significant. He remembers Mycroft telling the woman in the 
corner not to take minutes in the opening scene. In case we are 
still not getting it, Mary repeats that "they know EVERYTHING". 
Sherlock takes off running. 

Back at the Watsons, Mary grumbles that John isn't making it 
easy, what with being so perfect and all. John clears his 
throat and says um...he needs to tell her something... Sherlock 
interrupts by texting them both at just that moment, 
instructing them to meet at the London aquarium. She says 
whatever it is, John will have to tell her later.
   Chrissy: Yeah, that's not ominous at all.
   Diandra: I swear I've seen this exact set up before.
   Chrissy: We all have.
Mary realizes belatedly that they can't both go because Rosie. 
John tells her to go ahead and he'll join them when he's found 
someone to watch her. Because she's the one who needs to see 
whatever Sherlock has found out if it regards this case. She 
agrees easily.

Aquarium. I would just like to take a moment to note something 
from one of the precious few extras related to this season 
because it's cute. Benedict once said that he probably has 
undiagnosed ADHD himself and there are times when he does an 
interview that I would agree. One of them was in the behind the 
scenes video of this scene where he kept getting distracted 
mid-sentence by a shark swimming past the glass like a dazzled 
little boy, blurting "wow" and "cool" in an awed tone.
   Chrissy: So Sophie has three children basically.
   Diandra: I'm sure she knew that going in, yes. Like 
    millions of other women who came before her.

Sherlock is walking through the glass viewing tunnel under the 
shark tank when a voice announces that the aquarium will be 
closing in five minutes. The tunnel dumps into a room where the 
secretary who was following Smallwood around is waiting. The 
woman, whose name is apparently Vivian, says this was a 
favorite spot of hers for agents to meet. She's looking at one 
of the sharks, noting that "we" are a lot like them, actually. 
"Ghostly. Living in the shadows." Sherlock adds "predatory". 
She says yeah, well...that depends on which side you're on. She 
belatedly adds the "we have to keep moving or we die" thing. 
Sherlock compliments her on her choice of location for their 
"final act", but acknowledges that he has a soft spot for 
dramatics. She says actually, she just came here to look at the 
fish. She says she always knew this would happen one day. It's 
like that story... Sherlock interrupts that he's very busy and 
he would like her to get to the point. She ignores him and 
begins the merchant story. He groans that he never liked that 
damned story. She's like 'good, you know it. NOW I can skip 
ahead' and likens herself to the merchant, thinking she could 
outrun "the inevitable". But she's always expected Death would 
find her eventually. Mary arrives just then, out of breath, and 
tells Sherlock John is on his way. Sherlock introduces her to 
"Amo", the woman who used AGRA as her personal assassination 
squad. Mary demands to know why she betrayed them. Sherlock 
guesses she was selling secrets. Vivian says yeah, well...she 
got a nice cottage out of it. She thought she was finished when 
the ambassador in Tblisi found out. But then she was taken 
hostage because Karma is a bitch, but she gets confused 
sometimes. It bought Vivian some time. Sherlock continues that 
she found out her boss had sent in AGRA and tipped off the 
hostage takers and gave them a clue about Lady Smallwood's 
codename. 
   Chrissy: Um...it's not really a "clue" if you say the 
    actual codename outright.
   Diandra: [gasp] Are you questioning the brilliance of 
    the writers of this show?
   Chrissy: Yes. And sarcasm duly noted.

"I was tired," she says. "Tired of the mess of it all." She 
managed to get rid of the hostages and AGRA in one fell 
swoop...at least she thought she did...and she assumed that her 
secret was buried with them. But...like the merchant...here we 
are. Vivian appeals to Mary that she understands what it is to 
just want some peace. A family. She asks them to just let her 
walk away and she'll just disappear. "After what you did," Mary 
growls and menaces toward Vivian, getting all of three steps 
before she pulls a gun. 

John is in a cab, headed toward them. 

Vivian muses that she was never an agent, but she always 
thought she'd make a pretty good one. Mary snorts. Sherlock 
notes that she handled the situation in Tblisi pretty well for 
a secretary. "Can't have been easy all those years, sitting in 
the back, keeping your mouth shut when you knew you were 
cleverer than most of the people in the room." Vivian splutters 
that he thinks this is about simple jealousy. Sherlock adjusts 
his assessment a little to note that she must have been bored 
with the daily "drudge" and wished she could go out into the 
field. 
   Chrissy: Just because you and John get off on danger 
   doesn't mean the rest of the world does.
He adds an unnecessary detail that he knows by the clay on her 
shoes where she lives and that area is full of tiny little 
boring flats. She spent all the money she got from her 
treachery on that cottage and the state of her wedding ring 
tells him she's widowed. Also, she has a lot of cats. Mary 
tries to reign Sherlock in despite being the one whose 
hotheadedness got Vivian to draw the gun in the first place. He 
ignores her and keeps outlining how sad and lonely she must be 
to be spending her Friday nights in an aquarium. Also she has a 
drinking problem. In conclusion, yes she did it out of 
jealousy. "To prove how good you are. To make up for the 
inadequacies of your little life." Mycroft shows up just then, 
followed by Lestrade and a couple other guys, and notes that 
this is "unexpected". Also, he gives us her full name: Vivian 
Norbury. She smirks, suggests that she might still be able to 
surprise Sherlock, raises the gun and fires at him. 

Everything goes into slow motion, except Mary who somehow 
manages to jump in front of the bullet in time despite not 
moving until a full second after the gun went off. Because 
physics works differently in this universe this season. 
Sherlock crouches beside Mary and assures her that everything 
will be fine. Then he orders Mycroft to get an ambulance, which 
he does without argument. John arrives just then so he never 
sees what, exactly, happened. He takes Sherlock's place and 
starts spewing the usual nonsense like "stay with me". She 
sneers that he can do better than that. 
   Chrissy: Always have to have the last word, don't you? 
    You really are just like Sherlock.
   Diandra: Yeah, well, that EXPLAINS A LOT.

She says this is it and proceeds to babble through tears about 
how happy he's made her and makes him promise to take good care 
of their daughter. Then she turns to Sherlock and says she 
always liked him and she's sorry about shooting him that one 
time but she's pretty sure they're even now. That may very well 
be one of the weirdest sentences I've ever typed. She refocuses 
on John and thanks him for the time she was Mary Watson because 
it was the only part of her life that was really worthwhile. 
And then she goes still as she's saying "thank you" and John 
checks her pulse and slowly breaks down into a sort of scream 
crying that sounds like a water buffalo in heat.
   Chrissy: How would you even know what that sounds like?
   Diandra: Well, how would you describe that? 
   Chrissy: Eh. Probably a wookie vomiting or something.
   Diandra: I feel like this recap is in serious danger of 
    devolving.

Then Sherlock kind of tentatively reaches for his shoulder and 
he looks up, furious, and snaps at him to back off because he 
made a VOW. Again, I'm kind of paraphrasing because the actual 
line is much dumber. I seriously don't know what happened this 
season.

We get some artsy bullshit of sharks swimming and Vivian being 
led to her new cell and Mary being possibly cremated. Martin 
spends another few minutes of screen time staring into space 
and saying nothing while a phone buzzes in the background.

And then we're with his therapist from the first couple 
seasons, except she has a different office now. She's talking 
about recurring dreams and repeatedly prompting who we are 
clearly supposed to assume is John to talk to her about it. 
"The whole world has come crashing down around you. Everything 
is hopeless. Irretrievable."
   Chrissy: Remind me how much I'm paying you to make me 
   feel better again?
She says she can only help if he opens up to her. The camera 
backs up enough that we can see curly hair and realize she's 
actually talking to Sherlock before he says yeah, um...not 
really the kind of thing he does. He just needs to know what to 
do about John. 
   Chrissy: And I'm pretty sure the tin hat people have 
    written volumes on how the oddness of this scene is 
    proof that it isn't real.
   Diandra: Well, it is pretty weird in the sense that it 
    appears to be taking place in the attic of a church. 
    Seriously, what is with this set?

Mycroft goes home, stares forlornly into his refrigerator like 
he's just remembering he ate the last of the cake already and 
there's nothing else in there that looks good. He closes it and 
plucks a chinese take out menu from the array on the front, 
revealing a post-it that says "13th". He hesitates, then pulls 
out his phone and orders somebody to put him through to 
"Sherrinford". Fans of the original Doyle stories perk up at 
the name of the hypothetical third eldest brother that was 
invented to explain why Sherlock and Mycroft were able to forgo 
Victorian traditions regarding family responsibilities. 
   Chrissy: Ah. Remember back when we thought this plot 
    point would prove to actually make sense or have 
    anything to do with the original stories whatsoever? 
    Wasn't that nice?
   Diandra: How naive we were then.

And we're back in 221b. Sherlock is sitting in his chair and 
Mrs. Hudson is in John's. The red balloon John stand in is 
hanging limply off the little table beside John's chair. Mrs. 
Hudson is crying and moaning that nothing is going to be the 
same anymore, is it?
   Chrissy: That's what we're afraid of, yes.
Mrs. Hudson says they'll have to "rally" a bit and all look 
after Rosie. Sherlock, getting uncomfortable with this 
conversation, jumps up to look through the crap on the table 
for a possible case. Mrs. Hudson doesn't think he could 
possibly be up to solving a case right now. Hi. Have you two 
met? Sherlock grumbles that work is "the best antidote to 
sorrow". Er. No, I'm pretty sure it's a way of ignoring the 
sorrow. You throw yourself into it so you don't have to think 
about what happened because otherwise you might spend all day 
in bed crying and reopening the wounds over and over. 

Mrs. Hudson offers the other British answer to any and all 
problems: some tea. Sherlock doesn't look at her as he says "if 
you ever think I'm becoming a bit full of myself, cocky or 
overconfident would you just say the word Norbury to me?" Okay. 
So this is one of those times where the writers make a 
reference to an original Doyle story that is technically right, 
but the context is completely changed and not necessarily for 
the better. "The Adventure of the Yellow Face" was one of my 
favorite stories. It was about a woman keeping her mixed race 
daughter from a previous marriage secret from her new husband, 
fearing he would reject her. When the boys revealed the 
deception to the husband, however, he welcomed the child with 
open arms and told his wife that he may not be the greatest 
man, but he might be better than she gives him credit for (i.e. 
the line Mofftiss gave John a few scenes back in an entirely 
different context). Holmes was so moved by it that he gave 
Watson similar instructions when they got home. I have no idea 
what to make of this altered version of one of the better 
moments of the canon as far as I'm concerned. I mean...it's 
basically the same instructions, just given to a different 
character, but...
   Chrissy: Not as humbling?
   Diandra: Maybe?

Mrs. Hudson is like 'uh...okay...whatever that means...sure.' 
Then Sherlock finds a package on the table and she remembers 
that she brought it up because she found it mixed up with her 
stuff. Sherlock pulls a disc out of the package that is labeled 
"MISS ME?" Mrs. Hudson jumps and asks "is that..." "Must be," 
Sherlock interrupts. He babbles that he KNEW Moriarty had made 
plans and it wasn't really over. Why are we so certain of that? 
Where are the writers getting this conviction that Moriarty 
must be involved in more than he ever was in the canon?  
   Chrissy: Because he's a fan favorite?
   Diandra: Ugh. I don't know how many times I've argued 
    with idiots claiming he MUST still be alive despite 
    being shot in the head. HE'S DEAD. He's already been 
    more involved than his namesake ever was. LET HIM GO 
    ALREADY.

Sherlock loads the disc in the laptop and a video of Mary pops 
up. "Thought that would get your attention," she smirks. She 
launches into the standard 'if you're watching this it means 
I'm dead' set up. She acknowledges that her former life was 
dangerous and full of consequences that she knew she couldn't 
outrun forever and Sherlock should KEEP THAT IN MIND. She takes 
a breath and says she's giving Sherlock a case and it might be 
his most difficult. When she dies, she needs him to do 
something. 

We cut away before we can see the rest of that because for some 
reason this video is shown in small pieces scattered throughout 
this season and it makes a little less sense each time.

Sherlock goes to the Watson's house, which apparently has an 
entrance under a staircase. Molly comes out with Rosie in her 
arms. Sherlock awkwardly says he was just...um... seeing how 
things are going...um...and if there's anything he can do. 
Molly hands him a letter from John and tells him he doesn't 
need to read it right now. She apologetically adds that her 
instructions were if Sherlock came around offering to help that 
she should tell him he'd rather have ANYONE ELSE. She slinks 
back into the house.

In voice over, Mary repeats that she needs him to do something 
for her: save John Watson. 

Sherlock walks around London sullenly, his own voice over 
rambling about destiny and traps and death awaiting us all in 
Samarra. "But can Samarra be avoided?"

Credits. And if you stayed through the credits because, like 
me, you were too busy asking yourself when the HELL this show 
became so bleak to locate the stop button on the remote, you 
noticed that Mary cut in again to say "Go to hell, Sherlock."
   Chrissy: Yes, that sounds more like her. Also, anyone 
    who is a fan of Marvel knows to stay to the end of the 
    credits, Dee.
   Diandra: Oh, right. 
   Chrissy: Speaking of which, maybe we should take a break 
    from this and go do that "Avengers" recap now because I 
    think it might be a lot more fun.
   Diandra: Right behind you.