Star Trek: Into Darkness

"Star Trek: Into Darkness"

Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, BritishGuy SillyName, Simon Pegg, Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban, John Cho, Anton Yelchin, Peter Weller, Bruce Greenwood, Alice Eve, Leonard Nimoy

Diandra: Okay, but the biggest rule I'm going to have going into this movie is that I am NOT roleplaying Khan.
Chrissy: Yes, we know. It was your one condition to recapping these movies at all. As I recall, your exact words were "I am NOT doing another goddamn character with Benedict's face."
Emilio: I seem to be playing all the bad guys, so I can do it.
Chrissy: But just so you know, Emilio and I have a side bet going on how long it will take before you do it anyway because you haven't been voicing his characters for, like, twenty movies without it becoming a reflex.
Diandra: So you learned nothing from that bet over whether I could get through a recap without a Star Trek reference then.
Emilio: That's why my bet is that you won't. That and the fact that you got through that scene in "Doctor Strange" without once mentioning Captain Pike, Picard or Khan.
Diandra: Thank you for the vote of confidence.

Michael Giacchino's Star Trek fanfare plays over the production cards for a bit before devolving into one dissonant screech that anyone familiar with his work on "Lost" recognizes as his go to "bad shit is about to happen" theme. We pan in on the "class M planet" of "Nibiru", where all the vegetation is apparently red. The locals are chasing a fully cloaked person into the woods. Some sort of troll creature crosses their path and they pull a phaser to zap it. An identically cloaked figure behind it yells "damnit man, that was our ride!" This is of course Bones, but he pulls off the cloth covering his face to prove it anyway. The other figure follows suit to reveal Kirk.

They run from the still chasing aliens, who look like humanized totems from some native island Earth tribe. Bones asks what Kirk took from them. Kirk doesn't know, "but they were bowing to it." Dude, have you even READ the Starfleet rules and regs?

Chrissy: Meh. Reading isn't really my thing.
Diandra: Right. I suppose the only way to make sure you see them is to tattoo them on the breasts of an alien woman.
Emilio: Yeah, that might work.

He pulls out a communicator and tells Shuttle One that they are "out of the kill zone" and clear to "neutralize the volcano". We pan up to see the volcano in the background spewing smoke. Ah. So basically their job was to distract the locals and get them away from the death mountain.

On the shuttle, Spock asks if the locals saw Kirk's face while Sulu bleats about the shuttle not being able to withstand the heat of flying this close to molten lava. Spock cites the Prime Directive as the reason for caution because they CANNOT interfere with lesser developed cultures.

Chrissy: Aren't we already interfering by saving them from a volcano?
Emilio: Probably.
Diandra: I think they justify saving civilizations from annihilation sometimes, as long as they aren't recognized as other worldly beings. Because then you might have a situation like that one episode of "The Orville" where they built a religion around the "visitor from the heavens".
Chrissy: I forgot that your Star Trek obsession extends to things that aren't technically "Star Trek".
Diandra: There is an argument that "Orville" is more Trek than "Discovery", which is somewhat fair because Seth MacFarlane got writers from "The Next Generation" doing very typical sci fi plots whereas "Discovery" seems to be mostly doing season long arcs ripping off episodes of "Enterprise" on the assumption that not enough people saw that show to notice.

Uhura asks one last time, as she is fitting Spock's helmet on, if he's sure he doesn't want her to do this mission. He notes that he's already wearing the suit so that would be "illogical". She smirks that she's kidding and kisses the face shield.

Chrissy: You'd think she would know better than to attempt joking with him by now.

She exposits that she'll see him again in 90 seconds, runs to the shuttle controls and opens a trap door to drop Spock into the volcano.

Meanwhile, the locals have started firing arrows at Bones and Kirk, the former of which shrieks "THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL US, JIM!"

Chrissy: Yes, you have a firm grasp of the bleeding obvious.

One of the shuttle engines starts flaming and Sulu yelps that he has to back out. Spock says he can't because this is their only chance to save the indigenous species because this volcano will take out the whole planet if it erupts.

Chrissy: Thank you, Captain Exposition.
Diandra: I think we've gotten a little too comfortable with a long running series that doesn't require large exposition drops at the beginning, so this is good for us.

The shuttle jolts and Sulu orders Uhura to pull him up anyway. She tries, but the cable breaks and Spock falls onto a chunk of rock, the case he was carrying breaking open and skittering several feet. Uhura calls to him in alarm and Spock assures her that he is still alive. "Surprisingly."

Chrissy: Yeah, funny how top billing will help you survive just about anything.
Diandra: See previous discussion on red shirts and why they were always dying.

Uhura announces that she's going to get another suit and go down there. Sulu says they need to abandon the shuttle and they don't have a choice. Uhura tells Spock that they're headed back to the Enterprise while Sulu tells Kirk that they're on their own getting back.

Kirk drops the scroll he stole on a tree branch mid-run and the natives stop chasing and flock to it to continue their worship. Then Kirk and Bones continue running right off a cliff into the water below, Butch and Sundance style. It turns out the ship is hidden underwater and they are wearing wet suits under their concealing robes. As the airlock is draining around them, Scotty yells about how ridiculous this whole "hide the starship in the ocean" plan was because they weren't DESIGNED for salt water and oh, Spock is still inside the volcano by the way.

So yeah, Spock, somehow still alive in the firey hellscape retrieves the device, also still intact.

Chrissy: Asking for a lot of suspension of disbelief early with this one.
Emilio: You're going to need the bar set high.

He punches some buttons and watches as a plume of firey magma blows up to the surface, where the locals scatter in fear.

Kirk reaches the bridge and asks if they still have contact with Spock. Uhura says yes, although the coms are fried on account of the INSANE heat inside a volcano. Kirk patches through and Spock confirms that he has activated the device. He exposits that it will render the volcano inert. Somehow. Bones snarls that it will render SPOCK inert too. Kirk asks if they have the transporter working. Chekov says the magnetic fields prevent that. But if they had a direct line of sight to him...maybe...Scotty yelps that they're talking about getting closer to an active volcano that could erupt any second. Sulu isn't sure he could do it anyway. Spock says they can't use the Enterprise to retrieve him even if it WERE possible because the natives would DEFINITELY see it. Kirk argues that there HAS to be a way around the rules. Spock doesn't think so. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

Emilio: A line every Trekkie recognizes.
Diandra: Yeah, hold that thought.

The comms short out and Uhura starts frantically flipping switches to try to get it back while Chekov announces the device will go off in 90 seconds. Kirk wonders aloud to no one in particular what Spock would do if their situations were reversed. Bones answers that he'd definitely let him die. Because, you know...Vulcan.

The locals are alerted to the noise and watch, slackjawed as the Enterprise breaks the surface of the water and flies toward the volcano. Transporter beams surround Spock as the device ticks to zero and the plumes of lava are frozen instantly. Kirk and Bones run into the transporter room to make sure Spock is okay. Spock is baffled that Kirk just revealed the ship to the locals, which Bones takes as verification that he's fine. Uhura frantically checks via comm that he's on board and tells Kirk to inform him that the device went off as it was supposed to. Then she rips out her comm and seethes. Spock is still upset that Kirk violated the prime directive. Kirk doesn't think it's a big deal.

On the planet, the locals draw a rough outline of the ship in the dirt, which they bow to. So yeah, that's definitely a thing someone will have to deal with later.

Chrissy: Is this foreshadowing of some future point in one of the series?
Diandra: Uh...I did mention I never actually watched every episode, right? I have no idea. I don't think so.

To the main title fanfare, we transition back to a shot of the ship, which shoots into warp.

Title card.

We come back on Mickey waking up in the morning to his alarm going off, followed by an enormous dog jumping on him.

Chrissy: Mickey?
Emilio: That was that actor's character on "Doctor Who".
Chrissy: Oh, right. He was in one of the crossovers we recapped wasn't he? [heavy sigh] We finally recap a "Star Trek" and she's making references to "Doctor Who". Why am I not surprised?

The camera pans out the window to show a slightly futuristic London skyline and the chyron says it is 2259.55. So...a star date. Which makes me think of a thing that happened since the last recap. I was playing that Family Guy game, which features, like, ALL the characters from the original series and "Next Generation". I tapped on Guinan (Whoopi Goldberg) and she grumbled about how she WOULD do a happy hour in her bar, but she just CANNOT figure out these freaking star dates. Just thought I would point out it isn't just me.

And this is from Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek.

Anyway. We montage through Mickey and his wife take a self driving hovercar to Royal Children's Hospital, where a doctor tells them news that is obviously not good. The wife changes the stuffed animal in the bed with an unconscious girl that is obviously their daughter and kisses her forehead. Mickey goes out to a balcony somewhere in the hospital and a figure mostly off screen says "I can save her" in a voice I'm not even going to pretend I don't recognize as Benedict's.

Chrissy: Not that you would have to pretend, as we have learned.
Diandra: When are you going to let that go?
Chrissy: When it stops being funny.

Mickey asks who the hell he is. and the camera focuses on Benedict's face for a few seconds while ominous music plays.

Emilio: Well, we've spent the last few months insisting I'm NOT Khan, but everybody knows that's bullshit, so.
Diandra: Yeah, as I recall that secret was so poorly kept that *I* knew he was Khan despite barely knowing who that even was at the time.

Elsewhere, Kirk jumps out of bed to answer his phone and the two girls from some humanoid species with cat tails complain. Yes, we will play into this trait until it becomes cliche.

Emilio: Too late.

He and Spock are headed into Starfleet Headquarters while Spock insists that Kirk is likely wrong about them being selected for "the new program". Kirk asks what else Pike would want to see them for. They have seniority AND the newest ship in Starfleet. "A five year mission, Spock!" Oh, right. We're caught up are we? He pauses in his excitement of contemplating how exciting a mission into deep space would be to flirt with a couple passing women because he is a dog.

Smash right to Pike noting that that volcano planet mission a couple scenes ago is described as "uneventful" in Kirk's log. Kirk says he didn't want to bore him with the details. He yells at them for detonating a cold fusion device to stop the volcano from erupting "right before a civilization that's barely invented the wheel happened to see a starship rising out of their ocean!" At least this is how he's paraphrasing what Spock said in his report. Kirk is upset that Spock filed a report without telling him.

Chrissy: Narc.
Diandra: Slut.

Spock is like 'forgive me for thinking your log would be at least somewhat reflective of reality.' Kirk reminds him that he saved his life. Spock says yeah, thank you, and this is why he feels he should take responsibility for what happened. Kirk snorts "that would be noble, pointy, if you weren't also throwing me under a bus." Spock frowns at this new nickname. Pike is like GIRLS! Cool it.

Pike gets up, hobbling around the desk with a cane that apparently he needs since the last movie, while he reminds them that they are supposed to OBSERVE, not INTERFERE. Spock argues that had the plan gone without a hitch, the natives wouldn't have known they had interfered. Pike says that's a technicality. Spock says yes, Vulcans are fond of those. "Are you giving me attitude, Spock?" "I am expressing multiple attitudes simultaneously, sir. To which are you referring?"

Chrissy: Meow?
Diandra: Says the dog who bangs cat ladies.
Chrissy: Is that your idea of a come on?

Pike kicks Spock out of the office so he can turn his full attention on chewing out Kirk. "Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass you are?"

Chrissy: You sound like my mother.
Emilio: Ouch.

He prompts Kirk to tell him what he did wrong like a patient teacher. "What's the lesson to be learned here?" Kirk says it's "never trust a Vulcan." Pike snaps at him that he LIED on an official report because he thinks rules don't apply to him. Kirk thinks his resistance to rule following is why Pike recruited him and gave him command of the Enterprise. Pike says no, he thought he saw a glimmer of "greatness" in him, but if he can't even have the slightest ounce of humility... Kirk spins on him and asks what he was supposed to do because Spock would have DIED. Pike thinks he shouldn't have put him in that scenario where that was a possibility in the first place. He brings up what we were questioning earlier: that they weren't supposed to be altering the fate of the planet. "You violated a dozen Starfleet regulations and almost got everyone under your command killed!"

Emilio: Yeah, like I said in the last movie: he's not a very good captain.

They argue over each other about whether Kirk has lost anyone yet (he hasn't) and whether he thinks that makes him invincible or something. Kirk trails off while Pike yells that he believes the rules only apply to other people and relies on his dumb luck to "justify playing God." He calms and says the Admiral has called a special tribunal to deal with this and HE wasn't invited, but he can guess what will come of it because they both know what the regulations say should happen now. "They've taken the Enterprise away from you. They're sending you back to the Academy." Because he doesn't respect authority, rules or "the chair" so clearly he isn't ready for command.

Chrissy: I feel like this is something you should have figured out sooner.

Back in London, TotallyNotKhan draws some blood in a lab somewhere possibly in the same hospital and puts the vial and a ring in a container.

Chrissy: Can I just note how jarring it is to do this coming off of "Doctor Strange 2"? Like, you think a decade isn't that long until you see ten years of aging suddenly reversed.
Diandra: Yeah, his features have softened a bit since then. Less alien.
Chrissy: That's...one way to put it, I guess.

In the little girl's room, Mickey takes the vial out of the container and plugs it into a machine that feeds it into her IV. The panel on the wall shows her blood pressure and pulse going up to normal immediately.

Cut to Mickey, in some sort of Starfleet uniform, going into an official looking building marked "Kelvin Memorial Archive" after establishing that TotallyNotKhan is watching from across the street. He goes to a desk, sends a transmission, cries and drops the ring into a glass of water. It makes a whining noise and explodes in a fireball that takes out the entire building.

Back with Kirk, who is at a bar drinking. He goes to hit on the pretty woman next to him when Pike appears and sits between them. After some small talk about how their first encounter was at a dive bar where some guys were wiping the floor with Kirk's ass (which Kirk choses not to remember that way) Pike says they gave the Enterprise back to him. Kirk says good for him, but he might want to watch his back with that first officer. He's a real asshole. Pike says Spock has been transferred to the USS Bradbury and he wants KIRK to be his first officer. He actually went out on a limb arguing for that outcome because he still BELIEVES in Kirk and thinks he deserves a second chance.

Chrissy: There must be better forms of self punishment. I could get you some numbers.

They're called in to an "emergency session" before Kirk can get too emotional about this. And as we cut to the Starfleet building at night we get a couple unnecessary lens flares just in case we forgot JJ Abrams is still directing this. Spock sidles up to Kirk immediately and Kirk tells him about his demotion and Spock's transfer. Spock notes that it could definitely have been worse considering. But Kirk is still mad because "I saved your life, you wrote a report, I lost my ship." Spock apologizes (sort of) for not telling Kirk he was going to file the report. Kirk says the PROBLEM is that he filed it at all because it was like stabbing him in the back. Spock is like 'so I should have gone against my very nature and lied about the whole stupid plan because you saved me from a situation I should never have been in?' Kirk asks if the human part of him understands why he broke protocol to save him. Spock blinks stupidly. Kirk says he's going to "miss" him.

Chrissy: Don't make me say it.

Spock frowns like a confused puppy some more until Kirk rolls his eyes and walks away.

In a meeting room, Admiral Hey, It's That Guy exposits that they've all heard about the London thing by now. Someone blew up a data archive, killing...wait for it...42 people. Just in case the lens flair thing wasn't enough, we're still doing the numbers.

Chrissy: Although this one doubles as the number from Hitchhiker's. What were the other numbers from "Lost" again?
Diandra: [immediately and reflexively] 4, 8, 15, 16 and 23. And 108.
Chrissy: Yeah, I was just checking if you still remember those despite forgetting your phone number and the birthdays of half the people you know.
Diandra: I said I was sorry about that. Also, in my defense, I'm pretty sure the main reason I even remember my own birthday is so I can do the math when someone asks how old I am.
Chrissy: It's sad that you think that's a defense.

[ETA: Like, a week after this I actually thought "after my birthday this year" forgetting that I already had a birthday this year]

Anyway, the Admiral got a message from a Starfleet officer about it. Presumably before he committed suicide. He said he was being forced to do it by Commander John Harrison. TotallyNotKhan's picture appears on their briefing screen along with that name, but who are we kidding? Apparently he is registered as a Starfleet officer, so they have no idea why he has decided to declare war on Starfleet like this, but they're all going to be focused on catching him now before he escapes Federation jurisdiction. The Admiral keeps talking about tracking his current location by watching for warp signatures, but his voice mutes out as Kirk zooms in on a picture of the wreckage with "John" in the middle of it climbing into a shuttle with a suspicious bag. He whispers to Pike that it's weird he would target an archive, right? What does he suppose is in the bag? Pike is trying to listen to the briefing still and shushes him. The admiral asks if Pike is okay over there like a teacher calling out a misbehaving student. Pike puts it on Kirk by claiming his first officer was just "acclimating me to his new position."

Chrissy: Seriously, I can get you those numbers.

The admiral prompts Kirk to share whatever he has to say with all of them then and Kirk hesitantly repeats the "why the archive" question. Because all the records in it are public anyway. It's more like he's trying to get their attention than do any real damage to Starfleet. The Admiral prompts him to explain that and he recites the protocol that states they respond to attacks by gathering all their captains and first officers and senior command at headquarters. And they all convene in this big glass room...He and Spock both look around in alarm as the lights turn red and something electronic whirs. Kirk screams at them to get out just before bullets start spraying from somewhere and the room erupts in chaos. Pike calls for backup. Kirk grabs a phaser and runs along the outside wall to get level with what we can now see is the shuttle from the picture hovering outside, firing all of its weaponry into the room. He shoots out the window and aims for the nearest firing arm. This doesn't seem to do much, so he runs to a panel in the wall and starts pulling out what looks like a standard firehose.

Pike is hit, like, five times before Spock drags him for cover.

Kirk wraps the fire hose around his phaser and chucks it into the shuttle's engine. The engine reels the hose all the way out and rips the entire cabinet housing it from the wall. The engine dies once this is all sucked into it and the shuttle spins and Kirk and "John" make eye contact for a second before "John" beams out of the driver's seat. The empty shuttle crashes into the room and falls to the ground in pieces.

Spock does a mind meld with Pike, who dies just before Kirk finds them. Kirk sobs into Pike's chest.

Chrissy: How did you say he died in the original series?
Diandra: He didn't. He was nearly killed in an attack and ended up looking something like Davros.
Chrissy: [groan] Again with the Doctor Who references.
Diandra: I forget what happened to him after that.
Emilio: He went to live on the planet they visited in his one episode before the actor was fired with the woman he met there. They were able to restore him or separate him from his body or something.
Diandra: Thank you, memory keeper.
Emilio: And your phone number is 6...
Diandra: [interrupting noises] I don't need to actually know it. That's what the contacts list is for.
Chrissy: Yeah, she wouldn't want to waste valuable floor space in her mind palace.
Diandra: ...................fuck you, Watson.

TotallyNotKhan rematerializes on what looks like a planet going through an apocalypse, pulls a hood up over his head and slinks off.

The next morning, Spock calls Kirk to tell him that Scotty is summoning them to talk about something he found in the wreckage of the shuttle. It turns out to be a "transwarp beaming device", which is how "John"` was able to beam off the ship before it crashed. He identified the location of the jump as "the one place we just can't go."

To explain, Kirk finds the Admiral and tells him John is on Kronos, aka the Klingon home world. He asks for his command post back and permission to give chase. The Admiral is like 'okay, before I address the diplomatic nightmare you're requesting permission for...is he defecting to the Klingon Empire?' Spock says he's hiding in a region of the planet that has been uninhabited for decades. Probably because it's a hellscape. Kirk says Starfleet can't go after him without invading their territory being considered an act of war, but he thinks HE can. The Admiral says war between the Klingons and Federation is inevitable and oh, by the way the "archive" was actually Section 31.

Diandra: Okay, THAT is definitely a reference to later series. Particularly "Deep Space Nine" where they tried to recruit the station's doctor.
Emilio: They retconned that it existed long before that, but that's when the franchise first mentioned it, yes.
Diandra: They're something like the CIA, MI6 and/or Mossad, basically. Secret intelligence. And probably the reason they didn't exist any sooner than DS9 is because Gene Roddenberry would have told the writers where they could stick that plotline. But Ronald Moore would have lapped that shit up.

Anyway. "John" was an agent in Section 31. Kirk is like 'okay, but that doesn't change the fact that he's gone rogue and I want to take him down because he killed my father figure.' The Admiral starts waxing nostalgic about how Pike always liked Kirk and swore he was one of their best and talked him into joining Starfleet. "Did he tell you who talked HIM into joining?" By way of possible answer, he says Pike's death is on him and he won't lose Kirk too. Then he turns to Spock to verify that that region of Kronos really is uninhabited. Because they have an untraceable photon torpedo they might be able to use in that case. They could park at the edge of neutral space and nuke him without the Klingons even knowing what was happening. Kirk says cool, so can I have Spock as my first officer again? Admiral says sure.

Chrissy: I figure the best way to honor Pike's memory is to endure constant objections about the morality of this from Mr. Rules and Regs.
Diandra: So you completely missed how I went ballistic (so much as my biology allows) after Nero destroyed my home planet and killed my mother then? Oh, who am I kidding. The writers probably forgot.

In the ship hangar, Bones finds Kirk and chews him out for not showing up for his medical exam. Kirk insists he's fine despite being involved in a major attack less than twenty four hours ago. Bones follows him onto the shuttle transporting them to the Enterprise and subtly scans him while he talks to Spock. Spock, predictably, thanks him for reinstating him as first officer and says his first act back in this role is to STRONGLY OBJECT to skipping right past the whole due process and executing someone by torpedo because he and the Admiral are both eager to get revenge. Bones yips that nobody told him the plan involved firing torpedoes at Klingons. Kirk reminds Spock that the region only has one inhabitant currently. Spock still objects to it on moral grounds. Kirk snots that saving him from that volcano was "morally right" so fuck rules and regulations I WILL BE USING THIS ARGUMENT FOREVER. "I'm not going to take ethics lessons from a robot!" Spock says name calling proves Kirk knows he's right and is getting defensive. And they are still risking starting a war with the Klingons.

A pretty blonde woman chooses this moment to introduce herself to Kirk as "Science Officer Wallace" and hand him the transfer orders she got from the Admiral. Spock asks if he asked for another science officer. Kirk is like 'no, but obviously I'm not going to object here'. He reads from the tablet screen that she specializes in advanced weaponry. Spock says she's redundant if he's there. Kirk is like 'OBVIOUSLY I don't care and will welcome her aboard and probably proposition her immediately.' She sits between them and Spock glowers at her.

Chrissy: Jealous much?
Diandra: I have no idea what you're talking about.

They arrive in the cargo bay to find Scotty yelling at somebody to get these weapons off the Enterprise. Kirk sends Spock to the bridge before he can back Scotty up. Since ships always have torpedoes, it's not so much the fact that they have them as the composition of these particular ones with classified specs that he knows nothing about. Scotty goes to "prime the warp core" and Kirk chases him to argue. Scotty points to the warp core and foreshadows that it is "a radioactive catastrophe waiting to happen" that could be triggered by firing several dozen torpedoes of "unknown payload". He says this is clearly a military operation they're going on and that doesn't align with the duties he thought he was signing up for by taking a job on this ship. Kirk orders him to sign off on the torpedoes. Scotty says okay, if that's how it is, he quits. Kirk argues for a bit, but accepts his resignation which the expression on Scotty's face indicates he did not expect to happen. He nods, hands over his tablet and leaves with a warning to "for the love of god, don't use those torpedoes."

Sometime later, Uhura expresses sympathy to Kirk for Pike's death and asks if he's okay. He insists he's fine, but then moans that Scotty just quit. Also, her boyfriend is really being a pain in his ass.

Chrissy: And not in a good way.
Diandra: You like how I set that one up for you there?
Chrissy: Ugh. I feel used now. Also not in a good way.

He apologizes for being inappropriate like that and wonders if he's the only one with issues with the Vulcan. She says no, he definitely isn't. Kirk asks if that means they're fighting right now. She doesn't want to talk about it. The elevator arrives at the bridge where Spock is waiting for them and she walks past him cooly. Kirk asks if his ears were burning just now and brushes past him to go ask Chekov about the engineering situation. Because he just got promoted to Scotty's job. "Go put on a red shirt."

Chrissy: That is definitely a euphemism in this universe. Something in the realm of taking a long walk off a short pier.

As the ship takes off into warp, Kirk opens a ship wide broadcast to tell everyone about the mission to hunt down the guy who killed Captain Pike and fled to Kronos where he thinks he's safe. He notes the risk of possibly provoking the Klingons and the need for extreme caution and promises to head the landing party to "capture" the terrorist himself. He grinds his teeth a little as he says they will then schlep John back to Earth for a trial. After he finishes the speech, Spock comes over to commend him for making the right choice and offer to join that landing party.

Chrissy: Thus thwarting my plan to shoot him in the face and claim it was self defense or an accident, I'm sure.
Diandra: Ah yes, I believe that strategy is known on your planet as "pulling a Dick Cheney."
Emilio: [slow clap]
Chrissy: Don't encourage her.

Spock goes to find Wallace scanning one of the torpedoes in the cargo bay. He asks what she's doing. She starts talking about verifying the torpedo's contents and he interrupts like 'obviously I was asking more generally about your presence on the ship.' Because he can't find a record of her actually being assigned. She bluffs that there must be a mistake then. He says yes there is. Also, she took her mother's maiden name as an alias and he's pretty sure that was to cover the fact that she's the Admiral's daughter. She sobers and begs him not to tell daddy she's here. She is interrupted by the ship suddenly dropping out of warp, jarring everything like a car speeding down the highway suddenly slamming the brakes. Kirk asks what happened and Chekov yelps that the core was overheating so he triggered the emergency stop so he can fix it.

Kirk grumbles and asks Sulu how close they are. Sulu says twenty minutes but they are now taking an unexpected detour through enemy space. Kirk tells the newly returning Spock that he and Uhura are coming with him to Kronos and asks if them working together will cause any problems. She says not at all and stalks off. Spock watches her and says "unclear."

Chrissy: You totally pissed her off, didn't you?
Diandra: Obviously, but centuries of literature, song lyrics and anecdotes assure me that this is easy to do because Earth women are excessively temperamental.

Bones sidles up to Kirk to ask if he's really planning on going through with the mission despite this wrinkle because "you don't rob a bank when the getaway car has a flat tire." Which is a really quaint expression for someone living in a society that gave up money generations ago. Kirk calls Chekov to assure Bones that the problem will be fixed by the time they get back. Chekov pauses in his frantic scrambling around in the bowels of the ship to say yeah, sure, he can perform miracles. Kirk tells Sulu he's in command and once they are on location he should send a message to John that they have a bunch of torpedoes aimed at his head in case he thinks about trying anything stupid. Sulu is fretting too hard about being acting Captain to be disturbed by the rest of that. Bones turns his folksy wisdom to poker and mutters that Kirk is sending him into a high stakes game with instructions to "bluff". Kirk finally tells him to cut the metaphors already.

Sulu calls down to the shuttle bay to have them prep the ship they used in the "Mudd incident" a month ago.

Diandra: And that would be a reference to that episode Emilio was talking about earlier.
Emilio: No, that was a different episode. The thing with Pike would have happened years ago.
Diandra: Mmmkay, so we're just sprinkling in Easter eggs then.

Kirk hands some clothes to the two redshirts waiting by the shuttle and tells them they need to pose as "K'normian arms dealers" because they can't have anyone linking this op back to Starfleet.

Chrissy: This will in no way increase your chances of survival.

They approach the planet and the destruction from the surface seems to be the result of some half destroyed moon like object hovering above part of it. Spock announces that he's found a life sign in the uninhabited zone. Kirk sends the location back to Sulu, who sends the message that John will surrender to the officers headed his way or consider himself the marker for ground zero of Kronos' newest crater. He has two minutes to decide which it will be. Bones mutters at Sulu to remind him never to piss him off because that cold delivery was impressive.

Spock announces as they clear the atmosphere that they are three minutes from John's location. Uh...which is a minute after he's supposed to surrender or the torpedoes will launch? Did somebody mess up that timeline? Spock predicts the likelihood of John surrendering easily as a "91.6% chance" that he will try to murder them all first. "Good thing you don't care about dying," Uhura mutters under her breath. Kirk cocks an eyebrow as this prompts her and Spock to launch halfway into an already existing argument. He tries to get them to stop and she waves him off with a "I'm sorry, just...two seconds." Apparently she is upset by the way Spock behaved when he nearly died in the volcano. Like how his death would affect her didn't even register on his radar. She ropes Kirk into her argument, claiming they are ALL upset by the way he behaved. Kirk tells her not to drag him into this, but admits she is right. Spock spews some crap about biology dictating that all life forms care whether they live or die because it's called a survival instinct. She rolls her eyes and Kirk snorts that that isn't exactly the most romantic way to put that. Spock says no, they don't get it. He just chose to accept the inevitability of death in that moment. Because he felt the emotions Pike went through as he was dying and it was similar to how he felt when Vulcan was destroyed and he vowed he would never go through that again.

Diandra: I feel like they keep forgetting that Vulcans aren't naturally devoid of emotions, they just choose to suppress them.
Emilio: Nah, they just want to periodically remind the audience.
Diandra: I didn't mean the writers. I meant the characters. In order to facilitate that very thing, yes.

Something jolts the shuttle and Uhura's replacement on the Enterprise yelps that they've lost their signal. We see a bird of prey flying behind the shuttle as Spock announces that they are under attack. Uhura suggests it's a random patrol. Of an abandoned region of the planet. Coincidentally at the exact time they are conducting this operation. Sure. They do a very Star Wars chase through the tunnels of machinery or abandoned buildings or whatever it is on the surface until Kirk manages to squeeze the ship through an opening in a wall almost too small to accommodate it, scraping both sides a few times before they clear the other side of the tunnel. Kirk is just bragging that they lost them when three more birds of prey surround them and order them to land. Uhura warns that they will torture, question and kill them, in that order. She gets up to face him and says they will not survive if they try to attack first, so she should at least try an alternative. Given that she speaks Klingon and all.

So they land to a lot of metallic sounds on the soundtrack which is becoming a whole thing with Michael Giacchino since "Lost", I think. Uhura steps out to go talk to a good dozen Klingons in full battle armor and Kirk mutters that this is definitely not going to work. Spock says it's the logical option and more importantly if he does anything to try to stop it he will make them ALL mad. Kirk grabs some phasers and starts arming his just in case, while Uhura tells the one that comes forward that she has come to "help" because the criminal they are chasing is hiding in their ruins. The Klingon takes off his helmet to reveal forehead ridges decorated with metal jewelry and asks what the fuck they care about human affairs. She notes that they are all about "honor", which this guy doesn't have and he probably poses a threat to them too. The Klingon grabs her face threateningly and starts pulling a dagger. Someone shoots at him, which judging by the startled look on Kirk's face wasn't one of them. Uhura glances at the figure firing randomly at the Klingon group before taking the dagger herself and stabbing the guy in the leg.

Kirk runs out of the ship firing, followed by the rest of the team and everyone is shooting at everyone. What is clearly now (because we can see his eyes for a second there) John shoots a bird of prey out of the sky and takes out several Klingons with a combination of a comically large machine gun in one hand a pistol in the other. Kirk ends up in hand to hand combat with a Klingon armed with a bat'leth. Because of course he does. And when he finally beats one, another one shows up and pins him to the ground before John shoots him. Spock and Uhura swoop in to get him off the battlefield and he just watches dumbstruck as John shoots down another ship and a good dozen Klingons. He seems to run out of bullets in the larger gun, tosses it aside and takes off the mask covering the rest of his face to verify his identity before taking out three more Klingons with a damn dagger.

He picks up one of the fallen guys' weapons and turns to Kirk and Uhura, asking how many torpedoes they're talking, exactly. Spock tries to get the drop on him and he casually shoots his phaser out of his hand and repeats the question. Spock says there are seventy two torpedoes aimed at his location. John hesitates for a second like he's doing calculations in his head before throwing down the weapon and saying he surrenders then. Kirk staggers upright and accepts his surrender on behalf of Christopher Pike, then hits him about a dozen times even though it seems to be wearing him out more than it's actually doing any damage until Uhura yells at him to stop.

So a couple years after Loki was marched through a swoopy high-tech facility in handcuffs to a glass walled cell, Hollywood apparently decided this was how they were going to handle all of their bad guys. Somewhere behind the guards, Kirk calls Bones to meet him in the brig and tells Uhura to notify Starfleet that they have him and they just need to wait for the warp core to be repaired before they can leave. Uhura says she'll get right on that, but then takes a minute to kiss Spock before leaving.

Kirk and Spock change back into their usual uniforms before meeting Bones on the way to the brig. Kirk says he wants to know how the hell that guy could possibly have taken out a whole squad of Klingons basically by himself because that shit was practically superhuman. Bones puts some sort of device on the wall of the holding cell that creates an opening somehow and orders John to stick his arm out so he can get a blood sample. John obeys without comment except to ask Kirk why the ship isn't moving yet. He asks if it's because something is wrong with the ship, probably the warp core and they are stranded at the edge of Klingon space. "How the hell do you know that," Bones blurts because he is obviously shit at being a spy. Kirk is like 'dude, shut up.' John says he can provide them with valuable insight. Bones finishes taking the sample and they start walking away. John says if they ignore him they will get everyone on the ship killed. Kirk stops walking and Spock looks between the two of them before declaring that John is only trying to manipulate him.

Chrissy: Oh, you figured that out for yourself, did you? Aren't you the smart one?
Diandra: Your mockery is noted.
Emilio: [mimes writing in a notepad, muttering] Possible best pressure points...each other...

Kirk mutters at Spock to just give him another minute and Spock leaves him alone. Kirk round back on the cell and snaps that John is a MURDERER and he had full authorization to kill him, but "the only reason you are alive is because I am allowing it" so he should just shut the fuck up forever now. John, in fully taunting mockery, asks what he's going to do otherwise. Hit him again? He obviously wants to, so why DIDN'T he kill him then?

Chrissy: Because my goody two shoes teammates made me feel guilty about it.

Kirk suggests that was a mistake. John says the reason he surrendered is because he sensed that Kirk had a conscience, which meant he could try to convince him of "the truth". Then he recites a bunch of numbers he says are near Earth coordinates and what they find there will totally explain his actions. Or he could just open one of those 72 torpedoes and find out what's really inside them.

Chrissy: Think I'd rather open *you* up and see what's inside *you*.
Diandra: Okay, two things...I'm not sure if you meant that in a creepy way or a sexual way and I heard the way you said it, so I have no idea how that's going to look in type. Second...why are you looking at me?
Emilio: Which part do you want to see inside? I might be willing to allow it.
Chrissy: I'm starting to think I really am going to lose that bet. Okay, well...[turns to Emilio] You sure about that? It might get really messy.
Emilio: Wouldn't be any fun if it wasn't.
Diandra: Okay, we're MOVING ON FROM THIS NOW.

Back in San Francisco, Scotty is at a bar (possibly the same one from the first movie), bitching at his alien friend/assistant about being kicked off the ship when Kirk calls. Scotty snottily calls him "James Tiberius Perfect Hair" and Kirk is like 'are you drunk right now?'

Emilio: And don't get me started on the eyes. They're like pools of water you could just fall right into...
Chrissy: So yes, you're drunk.
Diandra: He's not wrong though.

Scotty calls him Jimbo as he notes that he's off duty and can do what he damn well pleases, thanks. Kirk sighs and asks if Scotty can do him a favor and look into the coordinates John just gave him. He's not sure what they'll find there, but..."you may have been right about those torpedoes." Scotty says he'll call that an apology and hangs up. He grumbles to his assistant that he is NOT doing Kirk any favors. Really. Nope. Okay, fine.

On the bridge, Bones is upbraiding Kirk for suggesting they just open one of the torpedoes on the word of the terrorist who nearly killed him. Kirk counters by pointing out that he saved them from the Klingons when he didn't need to.

Chrissy: Except that would have been suicide right? If they died, there would be nothing stopping Sulu from launching the torpedoes.

Spock takes Bones' side and starts to go into a speech about logic, but Bones yips that they have a guy trying to trick them into blowing up the ship. Kirk interrupts to say he definitely didn't save them to do THAT, even if he's not sure what his endgame is. Bones thinks it doesn't matter because Scotty was the only one qualified to "pop open a four ton stick of dynamite." Spock points out that the admiral's daughter is a weapons expert. Kirk splutters and asks when the hell Spock was going to tell him that woman is the admiral's daughter. Spock says it only became relevant just now.

Chrissy: Her presence on the SHIP is relevant. The fact that she's here because of nepotism isn't.
Diandra: Isn't it? Oh, well.
Chrissy: You really are very back stabby, aren't you?

Cut to Wallace (apparently Marcus) telling Kirk she doesn't really know what is inside the torpedoes, which is why she forged that transfer order. Oh, by the way, she's sorry about that. She reintroduces herself as Carol Marcus and says being the admiral's daughter means she had access to every project he was overseeing. But when she tried to ask about these new prototype torpedoes he wouldn't even talk to her and any mention of the torpedoes disappeared from all official records.

They have a little exposition about how he's smarter than everything she's heard about him suggests and he realizes she's friends with a woman named Christine that he dated who "transferred to the outer frontier to be a nurse." He plays along like 'oh, that's nice, so she's doing great then' and Carol notes that he has no idea who they're talking about. Instead of confirming or denying how much of a manwhore he is, he asks why she just walked them into a shuttle. She orders him to turn around while she changes her uniform and explains as she's doing that. She says they can't just open a torpedo on the ship, but they can take it to a "planetoid" nearby. He turns around and gets an eyeful of her in her underwear because of course he does.

Back on the bridge, Kirk exposits that Bones and Carol were sent to the planetoid by asking Sulu if they made it. Sulu says yes, but if they have to wait around here too much longer, the Klingons are going to find them. Kirk asks if Uhura sent that message to Starfleet. She says yes, but they haven't responded. Chekov calls just then to say the good news is they found the leak. The bad news is there is a LOT of damage and they don't know what caused it. Kirk mutters that he's pretty sure it wasn't his fault.

He then calls Bones, who complains that Kirk has just RUINED his fantasy of being alone on a desert planet with a beautiful woman by sending a damn torpedo with them. Carol is busy sticking sensors on the torpedo and rambling about how they get inside them past the fuel compartment and unfortunately the weapons are live already. Bones brags that he once performed an emergency c-section on a Gorn and they bite and there were EIGHT OF THEM. She gets a panel open and instructs him to cut the TWENTY THIRD wire without touching ANY of the others. He grumbles like 'yeah, yeah, JJ Abrams and his numbers, got it' and reaches in with the wire cutter. The door slams on his arm and Sulu announces that the torpedo is arming. Chekov's replacement yelps that it's counting down thirty seconds to detonation. Kirk orders Spock to beam them back. Spock says the transporter will just beam the torpedo with them. Carol starts trying to diffuse it while Bones yells for Kirk to just beam her back. She argues and with about three seconds left just pulls something totally out of the torpedo. The countdown stops, the door releases Bones and a panel opens. Bones and Carol blink down at the window with a face inside it because the torpedo is actually a cryo pod.

Scotty flies to the coordinates John said they should go to which turns out to be somewhere around Jupiter. He finds what looks like a space station, which judging by his expression is unexpected. A bay door opens suddenly and a voice says something over general speakers about delivering thrusters to a loading dock.

Emilio: Phrasing.
Diandra: [heavy sigh]

Someone in a fleet of a bunch of incoming ships requests permission to enter the "construction hangar" and Scotty just swoops over to join them like 'pay no attention to the fact that this shuttle has totally different markings!' Inside he finds something that makes his eyes bug out. "Holy sh..."

And we cut back to the Enterprise. In the med bay, Carol explains to the arriving Kirk that someone removed the fuel container from the torpedo and retrofitted it into a cryotube. Bones says the guy inside is alive, but they can't revive him without proper "sequencing" and the technology is nothing he recognizes. Spock asks how advanced it is. Carol says it isn't: it's ancient. Bones sidebars that they haven't needed to cryofreeze anyone since they figured out warp, which was after this guy went in 300 years ago.

Chrissy: Which if the dates you cited for Kirk and Spock being born last movie are correct would mean the mid 20th century?
Diandra: Well...uh...we had rudimentary cryogenics then obviously, but...
Emilio: They're probably fudging the dates and saying it was sometime in the 80s or 90s.
Diandra: Right because when you're talking in centuries, a few decades are totally within margin of error. Sure. Let's go with that.

So Kirk goes back to the cell to ask why the HELL there's a 300 year old guy in a torpedo on his ship. John is like 'oh, good, you opened it. There's people in all 72 of them by the way.' And he knows this because he put them in there. Of all the questions that begs, Kirk decides to start with asking just who the hell John is. John is like 'ooo...my big expository monologue. Thank you.' He rambles about being a remnant of the past who was genetically engineered in the hopes of finding "peace in a world at war" which...yeah, that never works. Also, given the timeframe we just figured out that would mean the "war" was either Desert Storm or the Cold War. So they ended up "exiled" and went into cryofreeze for a few centuries in the hopes that everything would be better in the future. Or...something. "But as a result of the destruction of Vulcan, your Starfleet began to aggressively search distant quadrants of space." They found his ship and revived him. Kirk is like 'yeah, cool story, but I was mostly asking because "John Harrison" didn't exist until a year ago so who are you really?' "John" says the alias "was created" to advance the Admiral's cause and his name is really Khan. He pauses long enough for the audience to grumble a few "told you so"s.

Kirk is like 'ooookay, that was unnecessarily dramatic.'

Chrissy: A drama queen in every universe I see.
Diandra: He knows his strengths.
Chrissy: Really not cracking, are you?

Kirk asks what an admiral would need a thawed out 300 year old guy for. Khan says he's better. "At what?" "Everything," Khan growls.

Emilio: Speaking of strengths.
Diandra: Yeah, he's basically evil Sherlock.
Chrissy: Are we sure it was SPOCK who was a descendant?
Diandra: No, that was an Easter egg written by a guy who subscribed to the theory that the Sherlock Holmes/Irene Adler thing a guy put in a biography 30 years after Doyle died was canon and could have produced a child.

Anyway. Khan says the admiral thought he was best qualified to respond to "an uncivilized threat". Because he was a warrior who designed ships and weapons. Spock concludes that the admiral violated a bunch of regulations just because he needed to "exploit your intellect." Khan snorts that intellect is useless in a fight without a willingness to absolutely fuck up some shit. "You can't even break a rule. How would you be expected to break bone?" Nah, he's here to build weapons and help turn Starfleet into an army. He sent the Enterprise to fire those weapons on a planet, then made sure it would be dead in the water in enemy territory so the Klingons would retaliate against a sitting duck and Starfleet would HAVE to go to war.

Chrissy: Can we talk about that description you gave in "Multiverse of Madness" of Benedict doing way more with his face than is strictly necessary? Because he's doing it here too.
Diandra: Yeah, it's like he's taking cues from Ricardo Montelban's enthusiastic scenery chewing in "Wrath of Khan". Which I guess is fair since it's supposed to be the same character despite looking absolutely nothing like him. Really, it's amazing anyone figured out he was Khan ahead of time because what?

Kirk demands to know what part of this plan necessitated mowing down a room full of unarmed Starfleet officers. Khan comes unglued a bit...more...and rants about how Admiral Marcus USED his crew - his FRIENDS - as leverage to force him to do his bidding and he put them in the torpedoes to hide them, but when he escaped he figured Marcus probably killed them all. His friends and family. A couple tears spill down his cheeks and he softens his expression a little as he turns back to ask if Kirk wouldn't want to get revenge if someone killed everyone he cared about.

Chrissy: You should talk to Pointy here. I have a feeling you have more in common.
Diandra: So here's a thing. I have mentioned I came into these movies originally knowing very little about Star Trek (although even I knew Khan was a Big Bad). I also knew basically nothing about Benedict Cumberbatch as I didn't pick up "Sherlock" until maybe a few months later. So this is the first thing I saw of his where I recognized him. I use that qualifier because I saw "War Horse", but if pressed I couldn't have told you which one he was. Or which one was Tom Hiddleston for that matter. So now, coming back to this...it seems obvious that he's doing the same thing he did in "Sherlock" where the character is putting on a performance using his ability to switch emotions on and off like a tap (which makes up for the weird scenery chewing in the rest of this by the way) and I'm not sure how differently this is affecting the way I see it now versus then. Obviously, I knew Khan was the bad guy, so I figured this was a manipulation. Probably. But were people making that connection at the time?
Chrissy: Why do I feel like we're headed for another lecture about the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath?
Emilio: Khan is definitely a psycho.
Diandra: Which might honestly be why we are able to connect him to Sherlock, even though he is arguably a good guy. I say arguably because I'm pretty sure Watson noting that Holmes could just as easily put his skills to COMMITTING crimes as solving them is canon. I guess what I'm trying to say is...is it only bleeding obvious to me now because I can recognize what Benedict is doing here or was it always obvious because it's Khan, who everyone but the characters he's interacting with KNOWS is the bad guy?
Chrissy: I would think both, but the fact that this was the first thing you recognized him in implies that you didn't know at the time that the weird delivery he was doing in this scene wasn't just how he normally talks.
Diandra: .................huh.

Before anyone can respond, Sulu calls over the com that a ship is approaching at warp speed. Kirk asks if it's Klingon. Khan snorts that they would be flying at warp. "We both know who it is," he snarls. Kirk orders the nearby guard to move Khan to med bay and have him guarded by six security guys.

Emilio: You sure that's enough?
Chrissy: Obviously not.

Kirk and Spock return to the bridge and Sulu puts up shields as a ship that looks like a darker, larger version of the Enterprise drops out of warp. Uhura says they're being hailed. Kirk orders her to broadcast it all over the ship "for the record". The Admiral's face appears on the view screen and Kirk says he wasn't expecting him to be here. Marcus says he wasn't expecting to hear they had taken the target into CUSTODY because that's not what he was ordered to do. Kirk says they improvised when the warp core "unexpectedly malfunctioned. But you already knew that, didn't you, sir?" Marcus plays dumb. Kirk says that's why he's here, right? To help them fix it? Because there couldn't be any other reason "the head of Starfleet would personally come to the edge of the neutral zone", right? Sulu notes out of the corner of his mouth that they're scanning the ship. Kirk asks what they're looking for. Marcus asks where the "prisoner" is. Kirk non-answers that he's planning on returning KHAN to Earth for a trial. "Well, shit, you talked to him," Marcus grumbles. He says waking the guy up in the hope his "superior intelligence could help us protect ourselves from whatever came at us next" was a tactical risk that he realizes was a mistake now. It's his fault all those people are dead now, so "give him to me so that I can end what I started."

Kirk blinks, probably unsure who is lying anymore, and asks what he should do with the rest of the crew. Fire them at the Klingons and start a war? Marcus claims he just didn't want to "burden" Kirk with knowing what the psycho put inside the torpedoes. And, you know, his crew is just as dangerous as he is because they were all condemned war criminals sentenced to death that somehow ended up cryogenically frozen for a few centuries instead. He orders Kirk to lower shields and tell him where Khan is. Kirk sighs and lies that he's in engineering, but he'll move him to the transporter. The video cuts out and Kirk tells Sulu to ABSOLUTELY NOT drop shields. Spock asks why he just lied about where Khan is. Kirk says the plan is still to bring a fugitive back to Earth as originally stated and calls Chekov to see if warp is functional again. Chekov says warping right now would SERIOUSLY risk damaging the core. Kirk is like 'okay, but that's not a no.' Chekov exasperatedly says TECHNICALLY they could but "I would not adwise it." Kirk says okay then and orders Sulu to take them at warp toward Earth, zipping right past the admiral's ship.

In the med bay, Bones starts scanning Khan. Khan says they are not safe just because they're traveling at warp and glances at Carol. She starts running.

On the bridge, Kirk orders Uhura to tell the Federation that an unmarked Federation ship chased them right into the neutral zone. Uhura says she'll get right on that once coms stop being down. Carol arrives on the bridge, gasping urgently to Kirk that when her dad catches up to them she needs to talk him down from just blowing the whole ship up. Kirk says he can't catch them at warp. She says he's been working on an "advanced warp" engine, so yeah, he totally can. Sulu says he's getting a weird reading a half a second before the admiral's ship catches up and starts firing at them. A hole is blasted into the hull, ripping several red shirts right out into space. The Enterprise spins wildly and drops out of warp "237,000 kilometers from Earth." And now shields are down, weapons are down and they have major damage to the hull.

The admiral's ship is still following them and fires some more. Kirk orders them to take evasive maneuvers, but Carol insists he's going to get everyone killed if he doesn't let her talk to her daddy. The minute Uhura puts her through, the shooting stops and the Admiral demands to know what the HELL she's doing over there. She says she understands the whole "fixing his mess" thing, but...he's just not the sort of person who would destroy a ship full of innocent people. "And if I'm wrong about that, then you're going to have to do it with me on board." He's like 'great idea, honey, beam her over.' She tries to run as the beam surrounds her, but doesn't get to the door of the bridge before disappearing. Because that also improved since the last movie where they learned how to transport a moving target for the first time.

The admiral says he's assuming Kirk is now rogue and working with John Harrison, which is why he has no choice but to do this. But he will make it merciful and quick and just aim all the torpedoes at them at once. Kirk babbles that he takes full responsibility for everything and he will hand Khan over if Marcus will spare the rest of the crew. "Please, sir." The admiral says yeaaaaaaaaahhhh, he was never planning to let them all live. The feed cuts out and the firing arms drop out and aim at the Enterprise. Kirk turns and apologizes to the rest of the bridge crew.

And then the weapons just power down. The Admiral's crew yelps that their shields are down too and "someone in engineering just manually reset our system!" Before we can assume it's Carol, Scotty's voice comes over coms like 'did you miss me?' Kirk exposits for the slower members of the audience that he's on the admiral's ship. Scotty is like 'yeah, I smuggled on at Jupiter station, now can you beam me over? Because I just committed treason here.' Kirk would love to, but "we're a little low on power right now. Stand by." He turns to Spock to ask what their options are. Spock says they can't fight OR run away, so...

Chrissy: Stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye?

Kirk thinks he has an idea.

Chrissy: I don't know all that much about Star Trek, but I know enough to know nothing good ever follows a statement like that.

He leaves Spock in charge and goes to the elevator. Spock follows him and says he objects to whatever Kirk is thinking of doing here. Because OBVIOUSLY it involves getting on the admiral's ship. And since he would need to take someone with him with combat skills and knowledge of the ship, he's planning to "align with" Khan. Kirk says he's not aligning with him, he's just using him.

Emilio: And as I said earlier, I might be willing to allow it.
Diandra: [Sigh]

Kirk notes the "enemy of my enemy" proverb, which Spock notes was said by a prince who was "betrayed and decapitated by his own subjects."

Chrissy: Why do you ALWAYS have to rain on my parade?
Diandra: Because SOMEBODY needs to at least TRY to keep your ego in check.

Spock volunteers to go with him. Kirk says no, he needs to stay on the bridge. Spock stops him from walking and insists his job is to make sure Kirk makes "the wisest decision possible" and so he can't let him do something colossally stupid. Kirk snaps that this is a GUT feeling, not logic, and the most important thing is that the guy in the captain's chair knows what he's doing right now and right now, HE doesn't. Mostly because he doesn't know who to believe anymore. He braces himself and goes into the med bay.

Kirk stands in front of Khan, who hasn't moved since we last saw him, and demands to know everything he knows about the admiral's ship. Khan recites stats that it's twice as big and three times faster and designed to run with minimal crew. So it's a combat ship. Kirk vows through gritted teeth to make him pay for his crimes, but for now they need him. Khan asks what he gets in the deal.

Chrissy: You know my reputation, right?
Emilio: Yeah, but since I'm human and lacking in boobs...

Kirk says he can guarantee the safety of his crew since he says he cares so much about them. Khan snorts that he can't even guarantee the safety of his OWN crew.

The dialogue takes a weird sideways lurch as Kirk looks past Khan to ask Bones what he's doing with a tribble. Bones says he's injecting Khan's platelets into the dead ball of fur to see what happens because Khan's cells are regenerating at a rate he's never seen before.

Chrissy: Again...my knowledge isn't comprehensive, but even I know that sounds like a bad idea. Mostly because injecting supersoldier DNA into a dead body sounds exactly like how a zombie apocalypse would start.

Kirk refocuses on Khan and asks if he's coming with him.

Emilio: Well, that depends on how good you are. Your reputation isn't really specific. Should I ask Carol's friend Christine?

Scotty, running around in the bowels of the Admiral's ship to avoid detection, yelps that they want to do WHAT? Kirk, marching down a hall with Khan and all six security guards, says Sulu is maneuvering into position so they can come aboard. Khan directs him to a cargo door he needs to open for them. Just...manually override the airlock.

Chrissy: This is all code in Trekkie fanfiction, isn't it?
Emilio: Yep. Manually open the cargo door while we get into our protective gear.
Chrissy: Are the thrusters ready?
Emilio: [imitating Khan's deeper, suggestive voice] Yes, Captain.
Chrissy: Then we're ready to fire the torpedoes.
Diandra: Thanks, guys, for ruining pretty much every "Star Trek" from now on for me.
Emilio: You're welcome.

Scotty is like 'who the fuck is this now and is he certifiably insane?' Kirk says it'll all be fine, just trust him.

Chrissy: It might hurt a little, but just relax and it'll be fine!
Diandra: Would you STOP ALREADY?

Scotty reminds him that opening an airlock manually runs the risk that he will "freeze, die and explode" presumably in that order.

Emilio: I don't know about freezing, but it will certainly FEEL like those other two are happening.
Diandra: DON'T MAKE ME GET THE SPRAY BOTTLE.

On the bridge, Spock asks Uhura to try to get comms open to New Vulcan. Sulu says the admiral's ship is still offline and he's getting them into position now.

The Enterprise does a slow spin. Scotty climbs into an access tunnel. Kirk and Khan climb into some sort of other tunnel in full futuristic space suits with helmets that look more like motorcycle gear. Kirk asks how Scotty's doing. Scotty says they've locked access to the ship computer and will have weapons back online in three minutes and he won't be able to stop them blowing up the Enterprise.

On the bridge, Sulu identifies the tunnel Kirk and Khan are in as the trash exhaust port, which he verifies is currently aimed at the door Khan told Scotty to open. Scotty says he needs a minute and runs down the several football field length hangar, panting and groaning.

Emilio: I'm getting too old for this shit!

When he reaches the door he's supposed to open, he yelps that it's too small.

Chrissy: Sssshhhhhh, I promise we'll fit. Trust me.
Diandra: [very loud, long groan] [mockingly imitating Chrissy] Let's recap Star Trek! It'll be fun!

Scotty is concerned because of the relative size to everything else, of course. He likens what they're trying to do to jumping from a moving car off a bridge into a shot glass. Kirk says it's fine because "I've done it before." Khan turns to him like 'you what now?' and Kirk continues babbling that it was done vertically and...uh...never mind. Khan rolls his eyes and asks about the manual override. Scotty runs back to an access panel.

Spock warns Kirk that there is also a very large debris field between the ships.

Chrissy: Oh, good, because we wouldn't want this to be TOO EASY.

Khan squats and Kirk, after a couple seconds, follows. Bones leans over to Spock and mutters "tell me this is gonna work." Spock shrugs that he doesn't have "the information nor the confidence" to make such an assessment.

Scotty announces he's ready. Kirk asks the same of Khan, who just snots back "are you?"

Chrissy: You still mad about the neutron cream thing?

Kirk gives Spock the green light and on the count of three, Spock pushes a button that opens their door and shoots them into space. After a couple seconds, one of the red shirts on the bridge tells Spock that Kirk is headed for a collision. The fact that he doesn't save everyone time and tell him directly seems like an obvious inefficiency, but I was never in the military where I assume this is perfectly normal. Kirk takes a hard right around a chunk of what was probably once the hull and Bones yelps that he just put himself WAY off course.

Scotty is tying himself to the control panel when somebody appears and puts a gun to his head.

Sulu gives Kirk a course correction and he starts bending his way back to the path to the door.

Scotty is stuttering some bullshit at the guard demanding to know what he's doing about maintenance while Kirk is trying to get his attention. Uhura says she's trying to figure out why the signal cut out. Because we didn't have enough plates spinning yet, Kirk's helmet starts cracking.

The guard hears Uhura's voice coming from Scotty's communicator and asks what the hell that is. Scotty tries to deflect by asking if he's private security.

Someone yelps that Khan is about to crash into something now. He says he sees it and dodges three pieces of debris before slamming into something. An alarm blares on the Enterprise and the screen shows his signal disconnected. Sulu tries to simultaneously figure out if he's even still alive and guide Kirk back on track. Kirk's display cracks some more and goes dead. Spock blurts that it is "mathematically impossible" to hit the target destination without his guidance system.

Chrissy: Can always count on you to see the bright side.
Diandra: Your tone of voice implies that you meant that to be sarcastic, Captain.
Chrissy: Well, aren't you the smart one?
Diandra: Yes, I am well aware of my superior intellectual capacity.
Chrissy: [rude gesture]
Diandra: Well, that was just uncalled for.

Kirk mutters that they really need to talk about Spock's "bedside manner" if he survives this.

Sulu yelps that Kirk isn't going to make it. And then Khan's system comes back online. He directs Kirk back beside him and Kirk asks if Scotty has that door open yet. Specifically he says "we need a warm welcome," which explains this response:

Emilio: [Scottish accent] Aye, I'm givin' her all I got, Cap'n, but she says she's got a headache!

Spock starts giving Scotty a ten second countdown at which point that door BETTER BE OPEN if they don't want their captain splattered all over the hull. The guard asks what that is. Scotty grips the hose tying him to the panel and apologizes for what he's about to do. As Spock gets to one, he holds his breath and slams the button. The guard is sucked out into space past Kirk and Khan. Scotty slams the button again and they hit the ground and roll a couple hundred meters to a stop beside Scotty, who has been knocked on his ass.

Chrissy: Anyone else need a cigarette?

Scotty asks who the fuck this new guy is then and Kirk gasps a quick introduction. Khan just announces that he knows the quickest way to the bridge. But first they have to get out of the space suits. Kirk hands Khan a phaser he says is locked on "stun". Khan is like 'oh, good, wouldn't want to kill the guys who will DEFINITELY be trying to kill US.' Kirk suggests he avoid getting shot at then.

Uhura announces that she's receiving the transmission Spock requested and OR Spock appears on the main screen.

Meanwhile, Carol is escorted to the bridge, where she greets her father by slapping him across the face and announcing that she is ashamed of him. And then the guy from JAG appears (what in the bit part?) to tell him there was a breach in the cargo bay, which he immediately identifies as being Khan.

Khan is taking them through the bowels of the ship, rambling about how they are parallel to the engine room where the other guys can't use weapons without "destabilizing the warp core." Scotty is like 'sorry, who did you say this guy is again?'

Back on the Enterprise, Spock asks if OR Spock ever met a guy named Khan. OR Spock has apparently promised not to tell them anything that would alter their destiny, but since that fucker KILLED HIM he will bend the rules and tell Spock that he was one of the most dangerous villains they ever encountered and he will KILL YOU ALL if given the opportunity. Spock asks if they defeated him then. OR Spock says yeah, eventually. Someone did anyway. But it took a "great cost."

Chrissy: Are we sure it's actually the same guy? Because...I mean...a Mexican who could pass for vaguely ethnic is a far cry from a pasty Brit.
Diandra: Yeah, I just assume they were trying to get away from the "vaguely ethnic" othering while also embracing the recent trend of the bad guy having a British accent. Even though they went to great lengths to make everyone else look like their original series counterpart.

Back on the Admiral's ship, Scotty prefaces his question about where everyone else is by acknowledging that those sort of questions usually don't lead anywhere good. Khan repeats what he said earlier about minimal crew and adds that technically this ship could be operated by one person "if necessary". Scotty starts to yelp about that, but is interrupted by a guy attacking Khan. Kirk and Scotty slowly back away as Khan fights him, but another couple guys show up and we cut between all three of them fighting until their attackers are all down and Khan has disappeared.

Chrissy: Knew I should have put a shock collar on him. Or bomb collar. Something.
Emilio: We're only here because you couldn't kill me the first time.

Spock orders Uhura to get all the medical and engineering staff to the weapons bay. She looks confused, but obeys without questioning. He turns to Bones after she leaves and asks if he could trigger one of those torpedoes on purpose this time. "Damnit man, I'm a doctor, not a torpedo technician," he snaps. Yeah, we're just seeing how many times we can repeat the "I'm a doctor, not ________" formula in these movies at this point.

Kirk and Scotty are crawling around equipment looking for Khan when he just appears behind them like 'you're going the wrong way, idiots.' Before they follow him, Kirk mutters to Scotty that he should "drop" Khan once they get to the bridge. Scotty splutters that he thought Khan was HELPING them. Kirk mutters that he's pretty sure they're helping him somehow.

Emilio: Yeah, who's using who now?
Chrissy: This is only sort of related, but you know that thing where people declare their sexuality as something very specific? I think my sexuality just became "Benedict Cumberbatch and Chris Pine skulking around in black turtlenecks like sexy assassins."
Diandra: What, just now?
Chrissy: Well, it started back when they were in cargo.
Emilio: What started? Do you need a change of underwear or something?
Diandra: Oh, ew. Please don't answer that.
Chrissy: Thank you, no. I always keep a spare in my purse. [pause] And now I kind of have to pee, but I'm afraid it'll be weird if I ask to use your bathroom as long as you have the movie on pause after that conversation.
Diandra: Just go.
Chrissy: Thank you!
[pause]
Emilio: Did you see if she took her purse with her?
Diandra: Please stop.

And now this next scene of them creeping down a corridor with guns at ready is ruined. Thanks, Chris.

Chrissy: See? Also, notice how Simon Pegg stays well behind them like even he knows nobody is looking at him right now.
Diandra: [groan]

They arrive on the bridge just as the ship comes back online and Marcus orders them to target the Enterprise again and start shooting everyone. And now we know why the phasers were locked on "stun". Carol elbows one guy in the face when the shooting starts. And then once she and Marcus are the only ones still conscious and Kirk has his phaser pointed at the latter, Scotty shoots Khan in the face. Kirk sends him to watch over Khan and make sure he stays under while he arrests Marcus. Marcus starts arguing as Khan opens his eyes, apparently unnoticed even by Scotty who is SPECIFICALLY SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING FOR THIS. Marcus says Kirk led an attack on the Klingon homeworld, killing people, so there WILL be a war no matter what now and if HE isn't in charge when that happens god help the Federation. "So you want me off this ship? You better kill me."

Chrissy: I mean...I couldn't even kill the guy who murdered my father figure in front of me when I was ORDERED to, so...obviously I can't.

Kirk says he CAN stun him and drag his unconscious body out of the chair, but he'd rather not do that in front of his daughter.

Emilio: Why?
Diandra: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she would help you, but go ahead and get all chivalrous now why don't you?

The mention of the daughter reminds him he should probably check on her, so he takes his eyes off Marcus to ask her if she's okay. For some reason, I guess this makes Scotty take his eyes off Khan too, which Khan uses as a chance to jump up and knock him out.

Chrissy: You LITERALLY HAD ONE JOB.
Emilio: I thought he would be unconscious for a COUPLE minutes at least.
Chrissy: What part of supersoldier is confusing here?
Emilio: How am I supposed to know he's a supersoldier? I just met him five minutes ago.
Chrissy: Oh. Right. This whole plan was just doomed to failure from the start, wasn't it?

Carol yells a warning to Kirk, but Khan tackles him less than a second later. Marcus just fucks off into a corner while Khan beats up Kirk a little and throws him aside. Carol jumps in front of him as he heads toward Marcus. He throws her down and stomps on her leg, breaking it. She screams and watches helplessly while he crushes her father's skull with his bare hands while snarling "you should have let me sleep."

On the Enterprise, Sulu apologetically tells Spock that they've lost contact with Kirk. Like, a second later, the view screen flares to life with an image of Khan twisting Kirk's arm behind his back and holding a phaser to his head. He offers a very simple exchange: "your crew for my crew." Kirk tries to yelp something at Spock and Khan knocks him out and just repeats his order for Spock to give him the crew. Spock asks what he intends to do with them. Khan says they will continue what they were working on before they were "banished". Spock is like 'so...driving all lesser beings into extinction because you are the master race?'

Diandra: Is this why Khan needed to be British now? They're basically Daleks?
Chrissy: Would you STOP with the "Doctor Who" references?
Emilio: No.

"Shall I destroy you, Mr. Spock," Khan growls.

Chrissy: Yes, please.

"Or will you give me what I want?"

Chrissy: Assuming that those two options aren't related?
Diandra: Okay, how about I promise to stop making "Doctor Who" references if you promise to stop being a hornball over there?
Chrissy: [sigh] Okay, fine, make all the references to WHATEVER you want.
Diandra: .......really? It's that difficult for you?
Chrissy: Sexy assassin, D.

Spock just blinks and says their transporter isn't working. Khan says his is working just fine, so.

Emilio: Shame about your performance issues, though. Guess that's another thing I'm just better at.
Diandra: [blinks] If you're trying to get a rise out of me oh god, I can't even finish that sentence.
Chrissy: That's okay, we all know he can't.

Khan orders Spock to drop the shields. Spock notes that if they do that, he could totally destroy the Enterprise. Khan rolls his eyes and lays out the most likely series of events here. "Firstly, I will kill your Captain to demonstrate my resolve. Then, if your holds, I will have no choice but to kill you and your entire crew." Spock points out that destroying the ship would defeat his purpose since his crew is on board. Khan says they don't require oxygen being that they are in cryotanks, so he can just target the ship's life support. "And after every single person aboard your ship suffocates, I will walk over your cold corpses to recover my people. [pause] Now. Shall we begin?"

Chrissy: Why do I feel like you could change maybe a half a dozen words of that whole last exchange and turn it into a much sexier scenario?
Diandra: Because fanfiction and Rule 34 are things that exist?
Chrissy: Is there a fanfic that turns this into a fuck or die scenario?
Diandra: You're hoping I say no so you can say I should write it, aren't you?
Chrissy: ..........well, or you could say yes and send me a link.
Diandra: I have no idea. And I'm not going to go looking for it. And I'm DEFINITELY not writing it.

Spock nods at Sulu, who deactivates the shields. Khan kicks Kirk, who was just starting to maybe get up and goes to the controls, pulling up a screen identifying the location of the torpedoes. He says all 72 are still in the tubes and "if they're not mine, I will know it." Spock says they are and "Vulcans do not lie." Khan activates transporters to shift them all into the cargo bay of the ship that is now his, I guess. Spock notes that it's his turn to fulfill his end of the bargain. Khan sits in the Captain's chair and bad guy soliloquies about how appropriate it will be to send Kirk back because "no ship should go down without her Captain." The transporter beams lock on Kirk, Scotty and Carol despite Khan not being at all near the controls.

Alarms go off on the Enterprise and Sulu announces that he's locked phasers on them. Again, he isn't even touching the controls, so I guess he's doing this all through telepathy now. Kirk et al materialize in Khan's former holding cell a second before he starts blasting the ship. Spock asks a red shirted lieutenant a vague "how much time?" Lieutenant says twelve seconds. Spock opens a ship wide channel and tells everyone to prepare for "proximity detonation." Kirk, helping Scotty carry Carol to sickbay, realizes the loophole: Spock didn't lie about the torpedoes being Khan's, but he has armed them.

In the cargo bay, the torpedoes all detonate and Khan is thrown against the control panel as a huge chunk of the ship is blown out.

In the med bay, Kirk confirms that Bones armed all the torpedoes and killed all those people in them. Bones says yes to the first part, but Spock isn't THAT big of an asshole. He points to all the cryotubes wedged in wherever they could be plugged in. Kirk has just enough time to let that sink in before all the lights go out and someone tells Spock that the power grid just failed. He orders them to switch to auxiliary power, which...also fails. The ship starts listing toward Earth as it is sucked into its gravitational field. Something explodes and a computer screen in engineering flashes a scary message about the warp core. Spock orders an evacuation of the entire ship. He activates some sort of seatbelt on the Captain's chair and says he'll stay behind to make sure power keeps routing to life support as long as possible and all the escape shuttles take off. Everyone on the bridge just stares at him and Sulu says uh...no, they're not leaving him behind. He activates his own belt.

Kirk and Scotty are staggering through the listing hallways while Scotty rants about how he was only gone for ONE DAY and everything went to shit. The gravity system fails and they have to hang on while everything lists and people start falling toward the source of gravity. Kirk asks if they can restore power somehow. Scotty says they would need to be in engineering and when the ship rotates in the right direction again they run toward that, running along walls and jumping over cross corridors as the whole set rotates.

They reach the engine room and are nearly killed by a falling tank as everything rotates sideways again and they have to cling to a walkway. Kirk catches Scotty as his grip fails and he starts to fall. After a few seconds, Kirk's grip fails too and another hand appears to catch him. It turns out to be Chekov, who strains to pull them back onto the walkway. We don't see the inhuman feat of him actually doing this though as we just cut to them running again. Scotty yelps that even if they can get the warp core up and running, they have to divert power, which means someone needs to hit the manual override. Before we can get to what THAT means, Chekov runs off to flip some sort of deflector switch, which is complicated by the next jolt sending him skidding across the entire deck. He reaches a giant switch and flips it and the computer happily announces that the core is "misaligned". Scotty consults the readout on that and tells Kirk they can't redirect the power and the ship is dead. Kirk thinks there's still one hail mary here and he runs toward the core container with Scotty yelping that they can't do THAT because the radiation will kill them before they can even get to it. Kirk mutters that SCOTTY isn't doing anything here and punches him out, taking a moment to strap him into a jumpseat before climbing into the radiation filled chamber that powers the ship.

On the bridge, Sulu exposits that they will be incinerated upon reentry into Earth's atmosphere if they can't get the shields back up.

We montage over Kirk climbing the mountain of machinery to the core that SHOULD be between a couple endcaps if they were facing each other like they're supposed to. He kicks the misaligned one repeatedly until it realigns and he is thrown against the wall.

The power comes back on and Sulu scrambles to fire the thrusters and get them flying again. We get a shot from outside the Enterprise as it falls into a bed of clouds briefly, then reemerges to triumphant music. They all confirm that everything is stabilizing and the shields are up and it must be some sort of miracle. Spock frowns and wonders what really happened. He doesn't have to wonder long as Scotty calls him and tells him to get down to engineering quick.

Spock runs, totally ignoring the elevator. Scotty meets him outside the radiation chamber and shakes his head like a doctor apologizing for not being able to save a patient. Spock orders him to open the door, but Scotty says the chamber is still decontaminating, so the door is locked. But there is a glass door so we can recreate what every fan of the original "Star Trek" movies recognizes as one of the most famous scenes in "Wrath of Khan". Except backwards. Spock squats beside it and a sick looking Kirk asks if the ship is okay now. Spock confirms they are out of danger for now. Kirk praises Spock's use of the torpedoes Khan wanted against him. Spock says he just did what Kirk would have done. And probably did in the original timeline. I don't remember.

Chrissy: Oh, QUEL SURPRISE.
Diandra: Bite me.

Reinforcing that analysis, Kirk notes that he's doing what Spock would have done, because, you know...logic. Except he's openly feeling that fear that he's dying right now and asks how Spock can just CHOOSE not to feel emotions like he does. Spock's face twitches, his eyes tear up and he says he can't do it right now.

Chrissy: Oh, look at that. You do love me.
Diandra: Yeah, god help me.

Kirk says he wants Spock to know why he couldn't just let him die on that volcano. "Because you are my friend," Spock warbles. A tear spills down his cheek. Kirk chokes a bit and puts his hand on the glass. Spock mirrors him, his hand forming the Vulcan salute. Kirk rearranges his fingers to do the same. Again, this is pretty much a reversed reenactment of the scene in "Wrath of Khan", which it should be noted somebody decided to commemorate with a Christmas ornament. An emotional death scene. Yeah. Brilliant marketing.

Emilio: Probably the same people who made the Doctor regenerating/dying a Christmas tradition.
Chrissy: Oh, don't YOU start now.
Emilio: Sorry. [whispers to Diandra] No, I'm not.

Kirk stares at him until his eyes go vacant and his hand slides away. Spock bows his head. Uhura arrives beside Scotty and they both sob while Spock skips to the anger stage and channels his inner Shatner, yelling "Khan" in a way that is immediately recognizable to anybody who even vaguely knows a Trekkie.

This segues to Khan's all but forgotten damaged but still somehow operating ship diving past the Enterprise suddenly, with Khan yelling at the computer to set the destination for Starfleet HQ. The computer informs him that guidance has been compromised and it cannot guarantee that, but can he confirm that order? He does and people on the ground stare at the enormous ship headed straight for them. It smashes Alcatraz before nosediving into the water, then mowing straight over a few blocks of San Francisco that may or may not include Starfleet before groaning to a stop.

Spock returns to the bridge and growls at whoever to search for signs of life on the ship. Sulu protests that no one could have survived THAT. Seriously SUPERSOLDIER.

It turns out they don't have to search very hard because Khan just slides through the wreckage to the nearest blasted opening and jumps out. Sulu yelps that he just made a 30 meter jump. Spock asks if they can beam him. Chekov, back on the bridge, says their transporter is damaged, so they can't get an incoming signal, but maybe they can beam HIM down. Yeah, convenient that is. Spock looks to Uhura, who is like 'I'm not stopping you. Kill.'

Khan staggers through a plaza not far from the ship and grabs an abandoned coat. Spock beams down to roughly that location a second later, phaser at ready. They catch sight of each other and start running. Khan goes through a building lobby and a glass wall and across a street, narrowly missing getting hit by a car, Spock right behind him running like a goddamn Terminator.

In the med bay on the Enterprise, Bones...maybe sort of pronounces Kirk dead and flops into the chair beside the desk with the tribble. He has a couple seconds to look defeated before the tribble suddenly gurgles to life.

Chrissy: Obvious Chekov's gun is obvious.
Diandra: Yeah, that could have been set up less awkwardly.
Chrissy: Hey I just realized...Star Trek isn't the origin of the Chekov gun, is it?
Diandra: No, Chekov was a 19th century playwrite. But I would bet somebody made that reference at some point in the last half century.

He yells for somebody to get him a cryo tube.

Khan does a pretty impressive leap onto what looks like a flying car that's taking off. Spock follows, but only manages to catch the edge of it and haul himself up. Khan kicks the phaser from his hand before he can get fully onto the top side and throws him into a fin. They exchange a few punches before Spock gets the chance to try the Vulcan neck pinch. Khan screams, but catches his hand and twists it away before it can be fully effective.

On the Enterprise, Bones orders somebody to take one of Khan's crew out of his tube so they can put Kirk in instead, but keep him in a coma state.

Emilio: Yeah, the last thing we need right now is two of them.
Chrissy: Speak for yourself...

Carol asks how much of the blood sample is left. Bones says none, he's just trying to keep Kirk's brain alive right now. He gets on the comm and tries to call Spock who is KIND OF BUSY GETTING HIS ASS KICKED RIGHT NOW.

Khan starts doing the same head crush maneuver he used on the Admiral and Spock responds by doing a mind meld until he yells and shakes him loose.

Diandra: If I get a chance, remind me to ask about some of the shit I just saw. Seriously. What was the deal with the sadistic Baron? [That link goes to a whole original recap. I should make an explanatory page about all the references we've made across multiple recaps since.]
Chrissy: Oh, COME ON. You need to stop bringing that into everything!
Emilio: It might work as a backstory here though. You should write that fic.
Diandra: And now I regret doing it.

Then he just walks to the edge of the car and jumps off onto another one passing underneath. Spock takes a running leap off the other side to follow and almost falls off the edge again. He pulls himself back up and Khan, looking kind of tired of this at this point, jumps him again. And here's where I'm reminded of another thing I noted when I first saw this movie. Which is that while I barely knew who Benedict even was, I DID recognize Zachary Quinto...as the bad guy from "Heroes". So it felt a bit like I was rooting for the bad guy here either way. And when I came back to this a few years later, it felt REALLY weird to be rooting for Sylar to kick Sherlock's ass.

Emilio: Or since it would make more sense in a comic book world, Doctor Strange.
Diandra: I don't think it was THAT many years later. Like...I'm sure the first "Doctor Strange" movie had come out, but that was the only thing he'd done with Marvel at that point, so that wasn't the first thing that came to mind.

Bones is back to getting the cryotube up and running. He goes back to the comm to tell the bridge that they need to make sure Khan is taken alive because he might just save Kirk. Sulu asks if they can beam them both up. Chekov bleats that they keep moving, so the transporter can't get a lock.
Which...um...I literally just noted a few scenes ago how they figured out how to do this in the last movie, but okay. I guess the fact that they're moving around on top of a moving vehicle makes a difference?

Chrissy: Plot convenience.
Diandra: Or that. More likely. Yeah.

Uhura asks if they can still beam someone down again.

So as Khan gets back to his signature skull crushing move, this time far enough away that Spock can't mind meld him, Uhura appears behind him with a phaser. She shoots what would probably be an entire clip of a regular gun at him while he keeps staggering toward her. Spock jumps up and punches him a couple times before breaking his arm over his shoulder. Khan screams and so does Uhura. Spock slams him down and punches him about a half a dozen times before registering Uhura screaming that they need him to save Kirk. Spock looks at her like 'seriously? When did that become an option?' and winds up for one last punch. The screen goes dark.

We get snippets of the conversation between Kirk's parents at the beginning of the last movie, followed by Pike talking about his father, Thor, who saved 800 people in his twelve minutes as captain and "I dare you to do better." Kirk wakes up in a bed in med bay to Bones teasing him about being "so dramatic" when he was "barely dead". He waves his sensor thing over Kirk and mutters that the worst part was the transfusion because it knocked him out for two whole weeks. Kirk is like 'the what now?' Bones says he synthesized a serum from Khan's blood once they were able to pin him down again. "Tell me, are you feeling homicidal? Power mad? Despotic?" "No more than usual," Kirk quips.

Chrissy: I'll probably discover some weird side effect eventually like the sudden loss of the ability to say "penguins" or something.
Diandra: [slow clap]

Bones steps away to go look at some equipment and Spock, hidden behind him, steps forward. Kirk notes that he saved him then. Bones snots that Spock had him and Uhura to help him and Kirk just rolls his eyes. Spock starts saying he owed him for saving his and everyone else's life, but Kirk is like 'whatever, just shut up and read the "I love you" into this.'

Chrissy: And I promise to show you just how grateful I am once Cranky McGee over here gives the all clear.
Emilio: And keep in mind there is a part of me inside him now, so...you're welcome.
Diandra: Yeah, since I'm pretty sure they said at some point that a mind meld leaves some trace of a connection between participants in it...ditto.

We pan over some of the cryotubes probably loaded back into the cargo bay while Kirk voiceovers that fighting against guys who want to do them harm always risks "awakening the same evil within ourselves." The camera tilts down to show Khan back inside one of the tubes and jesus christ is his skin shinny. I think I get the cheekbone polishing jokes now.

I just wanted an excuse to use this screenshot again.

Chrissy: There's a joke in there somewhere about Sleeping Beauty. Or Snow White maybe. Something.
Diandra: Just because you want to kiss him awake?
Chrissy: I don't know. Maybe.
Emilio: You know the Anne Rice version of Sleeping Beauty, right?
Diandra: NO! Don't make it any worse than it already is!

It turns out he's talking at Pike's funeral. He continues that the first instinct is to seek revenge against those who take their loved ones from them. "But that's not who we are." Anymore. Because this is the future and Gene Roddenberry was a relentless optimist. Apparently the ceremony is both to honor everyone that died "nearly one year ago" and re-christen the Enterprise. He says when Pike gave him the ship, he made him recite the Captain's Oath, which goes like this: "Space, the final frontier..." Yeah, he recites the whole opening of the original series. Not sure that makes sense as a Captain's Oath. It's more like the preamble to the official mission logs.

Inside the ship, he takes his post on the bridge, evicting the briefly acting Captain Sulu, both of them noting how the Captain role suits him like 'one day you will have your own ship. And so will Uhura, but we'll never officially make THAT canon until after the original actress who played her dies by putting it in a footnote somewhere.' He calls down to engineering to ask Scotty how the warp core is doing. "Purring like a kitten, captain. She's ready for a loooooong journey."

Chrissy: That reminds me...did someone load that program I asked for on the holodeck?
Diandra: We uh...don't have that technology yet.
Chrissy: They didn't have a holodeck in the original series?
Emilio: Nope. They had to entertain themselves the old fashioned way. Sports, exercise and "shore leave" with the natives of whatever planet they were visiting.
Diandra: Hence why Bones probably spent a lot of time treating Kirk for alien STDs.
Chrissy: Beauty standards really have changed in the last half century, haven't they? There really was a time when William Shatner was the ultimate ladies man.
Diandra: Yeah, funny thing about that. They actually created Chekov to appeal to women so Walter Koenig was actually the eye candy that they knew full well Shatner wouldn't be. But now that Kirk is played by an actual sex symbol, the fact that Chekov is also pretty is just a bonus.

Kirk officially welcomes Carol to the ship for the five year mission they're about to go on. She's happy to be there...for now. My guess is things will become a little strained after she and Kirk inevitably sleep together. Kirk asks Spock where they should go. Spock notes that nobody has ever tried a mission this long yet, so..."I defer to your good judgment."

Chrissy: I heard the women on Pandora are pretty foxy.
Diandra: Are you trying to do a crossover with "Avatar" there because they are blue cat people or because Zoe Saldana is in it?
Chrissy: Yes.

Everybody takes their usual posts and the ship warps away, replaced by the credits as the full original series theme song plays.

Chrissy: You know, I'm so impressed that you managed to get all the way through this without slipping up that I'm not even mad I lost the bet.
Diandra: You forget how annoying I was finding it that literally every "which character are you" quiz was telling me I was someone Benedict played. I never even took a quiz for this one because I was afraid it would tell me I was Khan no matter what I said. [ETA: I found one and it said I was Scotty, the funny one. I'll take it.] Being able to do the Sadistic Baron joke anyway helped too.
Chrissy: Yeah, we seriously need to put a moratorium on that one. You've officially milked that one dry.
Emilio: That's what...
Chrissy: She said. Yeah, I knew I was phrasing that badly the minute I said it.

So as I said, I didn't really remember the plot of "Wrath of Khan" going into this. I read the synopsis of both that movie and the OS episode that introduced Khan ("Space Seed") after finishing this recap though. Like the first movie, this is a sort of reboot with a lot of the same beats of both the episode and the movie while largely doing its own thing within a separate timeline. I forgot that Dr. Carol Marcus was a character in the original movies who HAD A CHILD with Kirk. Another thing that is similar yet very different: the 84 frozen (200 year old) superhumans (72 of which survived) were discovered by the Enterprise crew and Kirk leaves them on an uninhabited planet they can colonize in lieu of sending them to a penal colony after Khan tries to kill him and take over the ship. The entire plot of Wrath of Khan basically stems from Khan blaming Kirk for everything that happened after that: a nearby planet exploded, the colony failed and his wife (one of the other 72) died. Which sounds a lot like the plot of the first movie. But the discrepancy of 100 years - and the fact that Khan looks absolutely nothing like the original version - is simultaneously confusing and might explain a lot. Confusing because obviously Nero couldn't have affected something that happened so far in the past by creating this new timeline. Most likely the backstory had to change because the original Khan was a product of "The Eugenics War" of the 1990s, which would have been decades in the future when "Space Seed" was written. A lot of franchises that set some apocalyptic or generally world altering event in the future run into problems when they try to do sequels past that date. "Terminator" and "The X-Files" are the first to spring to my mind. With Star Trek everyone has just kind of accepted that they are always referring to a war that never happened because it is fictional anyway, so...maybe it was always in an alternate universe? But instead of going with "it was 200 years ago and the war he's talking about is WWIII", the implications here seem to be that Khan is the more real world application of the sort of mad science that created Captain America in the Marvel Universe. Except obviously in England. I mean, it could still be the Cold War, but considering some of the crazy experimental bullshit the Nazis tried...it could just be WWII. I would say this all explains the whitewashing, but I just found a piece of trivia saying that four Hispanic guys were considered to play Khan before they landed on Benedict. Considering Khan's full name is very Indian, Hispanic casting seems odd anyway, but Gene Roddenberry was very insistent on ethnically blind casting decisions, so.

I saw someone once complain that "Into Darkness" is basically just "Wrath of Khan" redux with some role reversal. This is overly simplistic and I'd be willing to bet it came from a similar breed of "fan" I see a lot in the Marvel sphere nowdays (one who talks a lot of shit about how new movies are "ruining" their source material without actually having a working understanding of that source material). JJ said at some point around the time of this movie that once they went with the idea that these movies existed in a separate timeline or parallel universe, it gave them the freedom to recombine story elements in new ways to tell familiar yet completely different stories. Which is why there are probably just as many elements from "Wrath of Khan" in the first movie as this one. So Khan and Carol, while similar enough, are actually different characters. Familiar lines are used in different contexts and the entire famous death scene was done with roles reversed. And it pulls elements (like the resurrection, which is not nearly as weird) from later movies as well. So yes, it is a reboot. But it is not a remake.

And on that note, you will notice I am alone for the wrap up portion of this recap. We will probably take a break from doing recaps until after what might be our last democratic election in this country (speaking of Nazis and WWIII). Which reminds me of a thing I saw someone say on social media recently: every day, with every news story, I feel like we are less likely on the path to a "Star Trek" future and headed for "Mad Max". Yeah. Here's hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.