Kong Skull Island Starring: Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, Samuel Fucking L. Jackson (yes, this will always be his name to me), John Goodman, John C. Reilly Yep, I have officially lost my mind. And joining me to give it a proper send-off this time is Emilio Taylor. Emilio: Oh, come on. It’ll be fun. Diandra: You know, I think you might be as masochistic as I am. The subtitles on the disc are completely unreadable for some reason, so I guess I’m going to have to do this without a net. Wish me luck. We open with the production company logos hovering in the clouds to the sound of fighter planes having an aerial battle. The chyron identifies this as “somewhere” over the South Pacific in 1944. Not a good year. There’s a sound of an engine failure and then we abruptly cut to a blue sky, the calm, peaceful scene disrupted by a screaming man falling. What is left of the airplane crashes on a serene beach and he lands a few hundred yards away, having obviously successfully deployed his parachute. He’s an American. He rips off his helmet and watches another plane crash into the jungle. Its pilot lands on the beach on the other side of his plane. This one is Japanese. The American runs over to continue the fight they were obviously having in the sky, shooting at the Japanese guy until he runs out of bullets. He is obviously a terrible shot. Japanese pulls his own gun and gives chase as American runs into the jungle. They run until they reach a cliff. Japanese pulls a sword because of course he does. American tries to dodge and then finally does the stupidest possible defense of grabbing the blade and getting both his hands sliced. Somehow he manages to knock the sword away anyway and punch Japanese a couple times before Japanese pins him to the ground and waves a dagger in his face. Emilio: [snort] Diandra: Yes, I heard it as I was saying it. Emilio: There’s really no avoiding it with this movie. Especially since you kept tweeting me stuff on gorilla penises. Diandra: Random trivia that’s been with me for years. But hey, those tweets are why you’re here instead of Chrissy. Emilio: I thought that was because you were under the mistaken impression there would be less drool involved if you invited me. Diandra: Well, that...wait. Mistaken? Emilio: Mmm. Diandra: Does that mean you like Brie Larson? Emilio: Like? Sure. As in I would LIKE to spread her legs and go for a nice, deep dive. Diandra: .................. Emilio: You're regretting asking me to do this already, aren't you? Diandra: No, I'm just wondering how I never noticed that you're the male version of Chrissy. Emilio: The difference is, I wouldn't need props and restraints to make her beg for it. Diandra: And now I’m regretting it. They struggle and just as Japanese is about to win and drive the blade into American’s throat, two giant gorilla hands appear on either side of them on the cliff. They stop fighting and gape as the head comes into view, glaring at these pesky, tiny pink ape creatures. Emilio: GOJIRA! Diandra: Ha! Yes. Did you know that name actually means “Gorilla Whale”? So...that works. Emilio: Why a whale and not a lizard? Or, more accurately, a dinosaur? Diandra: I don’t know. It sounds better than Gokage or Goryu? Didn’t they have a completely different explanation in the last Godzilla movie? Emilio: I don’t think they ever said anything about that. Gorilla Whale roars and we zoom into American’s eye and roll credits while we fast forward through snippets of history post- 1944. Dropping the bomb on Japan, the Allies winning the war, satellites, the Cold War, television, the space race, the moon landing, Vietnam. We stop in 1973 with an anti-war/impeach Nixon protest going on outside the White House. We pan down to a taxi where John Goodman is blinking at the chaos from the back seat in what was either a late addition to the movie or the most prescient scene written all year. “Mark my words,” he says. “There is never going to be a more screwed up time in Washington.” I doubt there were any theaters showing this two months after Trump’s inauguration and the biggest damn worldwide protest march ever of said inauguration where this wasn’t met with laughter. AFI has a list of greatest movie lines ever and regardless of what anybody thinks of this movie, I think this line should be considered when they update the list. John and a young black guy I recognize from The Walking Dead (back when I was actually watching that) holding a briefcase labeled “Monarch” get out of the car and they have a little expository conversation as they make their way inside. Apparently the guy’s name is Brooks and Monarch is going broke, so John thinks they have to get approval for their expedition now or never. Emilio: I’m pretty sure Monarch will be fine because it was still operating in the 90s when that last Godzilla took place. Diandra: .........that movie was in the same universe as this one? Emilio: Technically? But since it takes place a good twenty years later... Diandra: So I don’t need to go back and watch that again because canonically it hasn’t happened yet? Emilio: Correct. Diandra: Good. I’m getting tired of franchises making me backtrack or referencing details I’ve forgotten. Brooks doesn’t think their presentation is very good on account of him having no time to prepare it. They stop in front of a television where Nixon is announcing an end to the war in Vietnam and withdrawal of all troops. John is like ‘yeah, we need to do this NOW.’ He turns to the nearest secretary and announces himself as Bill Randa and says he’s here to see Senator Willis. Emilio: Oh, how I wish that were Bruce Willis so we could have a reference to "Unbreakable". Diandra: Did you actually like that movie? Emilio: Meh. I just think the reference would be cool since Samuel L. Jackson is in this. The secretary says Randa must not have gotten her message then because his appointment needs to be rescheduled. She is sure Willis will have time to see him in the coming week...s. Willis comes out of his office then, sees Randa and groans. Randa goes to shake his hand and make pleasantries. Willis says so you didn’t get the message, huh? Randa says no, he must have missed it. Along with the other four that came before it that were exactly the same. Willis reluctantly takes them into his office and tells them they have five minutes because he’s already late for his meeting. “So what imaginary monster are you hunting this time,” he asks Randa. Randa ignores the blatant hostility and points to a photo Brooks hands over of a satellite image from an island in the south pacific that nobody knew even existed until just now. Possibly because it keeps moving around every time somebody cranks a giant wheel. He says many civilizations have legends about it, though. Something about a creature in the woods made of smoke that makes weird clanking and howling noises. Emilio: Okay, I started watching "Lost" because you insisted after that "Sherlock" recap, so I actually get that reference. Unless the person cranking a wheel was part of it. Diandra: Yes, but that will come MUCH later. No, it’s called Skull Island: “the land where God did not finish creation” and it has sucked in enough ships and planes to rival the Bermuda Triangle. Willis notes as much skeptically. Randa thinks it’s more than that. There were some “nuclear tests” in 1952 in that area that seem to have been less tests than “the military tried to kill something”. He thinks there’s a whole other ecosystem represented on that island, which he describes as a place “where myth and science meet”. Willis is like m’kay, and we’re done with this fantasy bullshit. He picks up his briefcase and just leaves. Randa chases after him, Brooks trailing behind, reminding Willis that Truman funded Monarch in 1946 and he didn’t think it was crazy then. Willis sighs that he puts the waste of money that is Monarch right on par with the search for alien life. Well...yeah, if you’re looking for little green men or something. Looking for life elsewhere in the universe can be valuable to science and human understanding. But whatever. Randa says the difference is that “those guys are nuts”. Willis purses his lips and walks away. Randa keeps chasing him out into the hallway as he grumbles that he should have shut down Monarch years ago. Brooks pipes up that there’s already a mission headed to the island they could piggyback off of. Willis asks what they’re hoping to find there anyway. Brooks doesn’t know, but it’s uncharted so for all they know there’s some untapped resource like alternative fuels or unobtanium or a plant that cures cancer. Emilio: No, unobtanium is only on Pandora. Diandra: Yes, I know. He gets the senator to stop walking and turn to listen, then admits they don’t really know what’s there. But in three days a Russian satellite will pass over it and get the same images and they will probably be just as curious about it and YOU WANT TO BEAT THE RUSSIANS TO THE MYSTERY ISLAND, DON’T YOU? Ah, yes. Cold War era logic. You could convince Americans to do any stupid thing just by suggesting the Russians might beat them to it. Willis sighs and notes that that argument “almost made sense”. He reluctantly agrees to get their mission tacked on to that other one as long as Randa swears to NEVER ASK HIM FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. Emilio: Shouldn’t be a problem. Diandra: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves just because we know he’s gonna die. Oops. Sorry. Emilio: No, you’re not. Randa says okay, but...um...he needs a military escort. We switch to an air base in Vietnam and a song I will forever think of as one of the themes of Early Edition (because that’s the kind of shit I watched in the 90s) plays. I think it’s called “Time”. Emilio: It’s actually called “Time Has Come Today”. Diandra: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. A recording announces that they will be starting final troop withdrawls so PACK YOUR SHIT GUYS. A group of guys whose names are probably unimportant are talking about how many letters one guy wrote a woman back home and how few he got back. Before we assume it’s his girlfriend, a guy nearby grumbles that he has a “shitty mom” and they all laugh. None of this is important because Sam Jackson is standing up on a walkway looking down at everyone, signaling that he’s the reason this entire expository scene exists. He goes into his office and flops into his desk chair despondently. A soldier sticks his head in to ask if he’s okay or needs anything or... Sam says nah and pulls a box of cigars from his desk. He asks what the kid is planning to do when he gets back to the “real world”. The kid rambles about getting a job with an airline, but Sam is busy staring into the cigar box that contains a bunch of medals. He’s like ‘yeah, that sounds great. You can go now.’ Sometime later, he’s walking out in the rain when a guy announces there’s a phone call for him. He steps into a phone booth and announces himself to whoever is on the other end of the line as “Packard”. It’s a general, who asks if he would like to do one last op. He’s like ‘hell yeah. Fuck civilian life.’ The general apologetically says he’d just be babysitting this group of scientists who discovered an island they want to survey. He’s like yeah, whatever. I’ll take it. Saigon. The Exposition Fairy prompts Brooks to give quick context for the scene by asking Randa why the hell they need a military escort AND a tracker from SAS. The Exposition Fairy whacks Randa, who replies that he’s FORMER SAS, actually, and he rescued 12 pilots back before he cut ties. The Exposition Fairy shoves her wand up Brooks’ ass and he yelps that their source says he spends most of his days in a bar now. Emilio: Are you trying to say this exposition is forced and awkward? Diandra: No, why would you think that? Emilio: You know I speak fluent sarcasm. Diandra: Good for you. Randa gets impatient and snaps that Brooks' degree from Yale isn’t going to help them navigate an uncharted jungle and his father taught him “not to judge a man by where he drinks. Only by how he holds it.” Emilio: Those might have been two very different conversations... They enter the seedy looking bar that apparently doubles as a brothel/stripjoint through a plastic curtain and Brooks asks how much they should tell this guy. Randa says enough to get him to say yes. Emilio: You going to make him an offer he can’t refuse? Diandra: Oh. I expected you to go way dirtier than that. Emilio: Well, it’s still early in this recap. Have to save something for later. I suppose I could have said he could play his character from “Normal, Ohio” and flirted, but that show was on so briefly I don’t think anyone would get the reference. They find Tom Hiddleston at a pool table, knocking the eight ball into a pocket and reaching for a pile of money. A guy stops him and rants in unsubtitled Vietnamese while another guy pulls a knife and starts coming up behind him. Tom glares, whacks the guy behind him with the pool cue, then jams it into the other guy’s mouth and slams him into the table. A guy on the other side of the table decides to join the fight, throwing pool balls. Tom dodges one and uses the now broken pool cue to boomerang the second back into the guy’s face. Randa and Brooks blink like ‘........okay, which of us wants to talk first?’ We switch abruptly to them sitting at a table. Tom, slouched opposite them, grumbles about unchartered islands and all the things that could possibly kill them, many of which they won’t even see because it’s some tropical disease that will make them shit themselves to death or something. Randa points at the pile of money he just put on the table and offers to double it. Tom says pfffffttttt. Five times that and a bonus IF they make it back alive. Emilio: So why take the rest of the money now if you’re not sure you’ll make it back? It’s not like you have any family you can give it to and it won’t do YOU any good if you’re dead. Diandra: Shh. No thinking. Brooks gulps, nods and urges Randa to just do it because “Mr. Conrad should be fairly compensated.” I’m mostly quoting him here because I’m pretty sure that’s the first time we hear this character’s name. Yes, he is named after the guy who wrote the book "Apocalypse Now" was based on. Joseph...sorry, JAMES...squints at him and asks what they need a tracker for anyway. Brooks says they don’t really have any information. All they have is satellite images. They need someone who can lead them through possibly dangerous uncharted jungle. Randa adds that they are just “scholars and scientists” so they have no skills in that department. Plus, having someone with military training would be useful if one of those dangerous things he mentioned tries to kill them. “Men go to war in search of something, Mr. Conrad,” he declares. “If you’d found it, you’d be home by now.” And we cut to a photo room where Brie Larson is developing prints. Here’s an age test: how many people don’t understand what I just said? Because I’m thinking they’re not going to get this either: a phone rings and she grabs the receiver, pulling the entire base over to the table in front of her so the cable doesn’t have to stretch. She answers with “Weaver”. The guy on the other end says it’s Jerry. She asks if she “got it”. He says yes and she grabs a pen and knocks the phone on the floor, pulling it back up by the cord as he rambles about a ship named Athena docked in Bankok and she should be there at 6pm tomorrow. She writes it down on the back of her hand and says she owes him one. He awkwardly asks why she wants a mapping gig when she’s on the cover of Time magazine. “Jerry, when three sources tell you the same thing word for word, you know they’re lying,” she says, which...is true. Also, if they repeat it word for word when questioned later. She thinks something shady is obviously going on. Bankok. A truck pulls up near the dock of the Athena and four redshirts climb out, bitching about the fact that they were ALMOST sent home and now they’re being shipped off to ANOTHER freaking jungle hell. Their names are Mills and Cole, by the way. Not that anyone cares. Emilio: Nope. Somewhere else on the pier, probably, Weaver marches up to the first guy she sees with a clipboard and announces her name. The guy blinks at her and notes that “Mason Weaver” is a woman. “Last time I checked,” she snarks and saunters past him. Emilio: I could help you check again if you want to be sure. Diandra: Down boy. She finds Sam Jack- Packard. Sorry. Probably not the last time I’ll make that mistake. She finds Packard standing at the bottom of a staircase going onto a ship and hands him a paper. “Two years in country,” Sam reads off the paper. “Where you been?” “Embedded in MACV-SAG,” she fires back. He is sufficiently impressed by that, but notes that people like her are the reason they lost the support of the people back home. Yeah, funny how telling them what war is actually like makes them want to support it less. She thinks the idea of blaming the people NOT armed with guns for them losing is absurd. He shrugs and says a camera is more dangerous than a gun when it comes to hearts and minds and they didn’t lose. They took their ball and went home. Just like they would years later with Afghanistan. She brushes past him up the stairs, eyeing him warily. Presentation room. The Field Supervisor – a Hispanic man in typical 70s suit and porn stache – introduces himself (Victor) and the guy who was surprised they were letting a woman on the team (Steve). He begins a presentation with images on a slide projector of the satellite footage they’ve gotten of the island. He points out that it is surrounded by a perpetual storm system, which is why nobody has attempted to go there yet. Or succeeded, I guess. But with Colonel Packard’s escort, they are confident they can get through it. Also, they will be traveling with an expedition team led by Randa that includes Brooks (a geologist) and an Asian lady named Miss Sam, who is a biologist. He hands the presentation over to Brooks to explain what they’re hoping to find. Brooks explains that they plan to use explosives to vibrate the shit out of the ground so they can map the surface. This plan brought to you by the same idiocy that invented fracking. Conrad, who has been brooding in the back of the room, is like ‘wait...what the fuck? Nobody told me we were dropping bombs.’ Brooks is like ‘er...technically they’re scientific instruments’. One of the redshirts in the audience jokes that they’ve technically been scientists all along. Victor says ANYWAY, once they land, the ground exploration team will be led by the British guy back there and since you meatheads probably won’t understand his funny accent, here’s a redneck to explain what you’ll be doing at that point. I mean, none of this is said out loud, but I’m assuming. Redneck explains that all the storm interference will prevent them from using their radios to communicate with anyone outside the little bubble around the island. To repeat: they will be ALONE and TOTALLY OUT OF CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD. Except for the time where another team will meet them three days after they are dropped off. He stresses that this will be the only time they know they can safely leave, so...you know...be there or have your affairs in order because you may never be seen again. Emilio: I think I saw this in a horror movie. Diandra: Yeah, or EVERY horror movie. We get an establishing shot of James striding across the deck of the ship for no particular reason before going down to the restricted cargo hold to verify that they are, indeed, carrying explosives. Mason finds him bending over a crate, reading the label by the glow of his lighter and they launch into a little ‘what are you doing here?’ ‘no, what are YOU doing here?’ She is holding her camera in ready position, already in nosy reporter mode. She asks what a geological mapping mission needs explosives for. You were in that meeting. You know he didn’t know about this until just now either. He just repeats the explanation they gave in the meeting. She asks if he believes them. Meh. She asks if he’s met Colonel Packard yet. He’s like ‘yeah, he put me in a glass cage on a plane and threatened to drop me through a trap door into the ocean...no, wait...’ Emilio: The best part of that joke is that SHE is in that universe too. We just haven’t seen her yet. Diandra: Yeah, this is probably not the last time we will make a reference like this in this recap. Mason notes that Packard is “wound pretty tight”. James thinks all decorated war heroes are like that. Sometimes they even go completely crazy and retreat into the jungle until somebody has to be hired to go retrieve them. He asks what she’s doing here anyway since photographing a mapping mission is kind of a step down from what she’s been doing during the war. She spits the standard line about changing hearts and minds with the right photograph. Yeah, that...wasn’t the question. He notes it can also win her a Pulitzer. She defensively asks what Captain Conrad of British Special Forces is doing here. He says it’s just Conrad now and they’re giving him money. “You don’t strike me as a mercenary,” she says. “You don’t strike me as a war photographer,” he snots back. She says she was an anti-war photographer, actually, and they just stare at each other like WELL THEN until the camera cuts away. Sometime later, she is photographing the meatheads up on deck doing random shit. Redneck is writing a letter to his son so we know he’s marked for death. A black guy comes up and pretends he’s reading it. “Dear Billy. I know I said I’d be home by your birthday, but I lied straight to your face. I’m a terrible dad. I hope this letter makes up for it.” Yeah, you’re going to feel like an asshole when he doesn’t make it back for Billy’s birthday because he’s DEAD. Emilio: He’s a black guy in a disaster/horror plot. He probably won’t live either. Diandra: True. We pan up to the bridge, where James is hovering as they approach the perpetual storm surrounding the island, then we go inside where the captain suggests they maybe consider postponing the mission. Until when? Packard asks how far the island is still. Fifty miles. At least. Randa demands they get them closer. The captain of the ship says no, they’ll have to launch from here if they’re going through with this insanity. Randa asks Packard if he can “punch through”. Packard is like ‘yeah, I can ram through that hole there’. Emilio: [SNORT] Diandra: Yeah, I might have altered the wording a little there. Emilio: Not by much, actually. Pornstache reminds Randa that he’s actually in charge of this mission and he thinks they should abort. Randa gives him the crazy eyes and sneers that the Landsat Inspector will be “inspired by his courage”. Pornstache says it’s common sense and a reluctance to potentially kill them all over a MAPPING MISSION. Randa says it’s the LAST uncharted area on the planet and it could be years before they have another chance to do it and he’s balking at a little rain. He stops just short of calling Pornstache a “pussy” for being afraid of a giant wall of thunderclouds. He suggests they leave it to Packard to decide whether he can handle the weather. Pornstache says fine, but “there is no way I’m getting on that helicopter.” And we cut right to him reluctantly climbing into a helicopter. Across the deck, Brooks is asking if maybe they should have warned the people on the helicopters of the real reason they needed to arm them. Randa says nah, that would just raise an alarm. They climb into different helicopters along with biologist Sam and Steve, whose function in this I’ve already forgotten. Emilio: I believe he’s dead guy number four. Packard saunters out, leading his team. The two redshirts from earlier – already on their chopper - debate what the hell he’s getting them into, but are sure to note that at least he’s personally putting his ass on the line with them, so it can’t be TOO crazy. Mason takes a few last pictures on her way to the helicopter where James is already waiting and gestures pointedly at him to move over so she can get in. He rolls his eyes and moves while she continues to give him dirty looks. If there’s one thing I have to give this movie credit for, it is that having seen it through already I know that this tension is never played as sexual. Almost as if her part was actually meant for a man originally and they managed to go entirely through production without shoehorning a romantic subplot in at the last minute when they cast a woman. I’m sure that sounds cynical, but I’m used to Hollywood assuming that a) a woman’s sole purpose in an action movie is damsel in distress and b) when the attractive leads interact with each other like they instantly hate each other they will invariably wind up in bed together within a handful of scenes. Emilio: Although it does reduce the chances that Tom Hiddleston will take his shirt off at some point in this movie. Diandra: ......I know you’re trying to provoke a response there, but I am perfectly capable of drooling over him without him having to remove clothing. That didn’t come out right. I mean, it’s not like I don’t KNOW what he looks like without a shit. Or pants for that matter. Damnit, that’s worse. You’re enjoying watching me dig myself into a hole, aren’t you? Emilio: Very much. Anyway. From another helicopter, Sam Jackson reminds us that he was in “Jurassic Park” by telling everyone to “hold onto your butts.” Emilio: It was a very small part for Sam Jackson. Wait, that didn’t sound right. Diandra: No, I’d question the proximity of the words “small part” and “Sam Jackson” too. Pornstache looks nervously at Brooks in ANOTHER helicopter. And I’ve already lost track of how many helicopters there are. They all take off and head for the wall of storm clouds. There’s, like, a dozen helicopters, but let’s assume only the ones with named cast members in them matter. Mason frantically snaps pictures of the impossible perpetual storm. Pornstache clutches his briefcase to his chest. The black guy who was teasing Redneck earlier asks “Billy” if he ever looked at a hurricane and thought ‘nah, it doesn’t look that bad. I’m just gonna fly right into that raging inferno.’ A couple other guys tell him to can it and they all brace themselves as they fly into the storm. Randa’s helicopter takes a blow immediately and an alarm starts blaring. Mason’s hair whips around her face. James looks like he might scream, but my understanding is that Tom usually looks like this when you put him in a helicopter. Packard just calmly continues giving orders while telling the story of Icarus. Because a story about a mythical bird flying too close to the sun and burning to death is really comforting in this scenario. But he assures them their “wings” will not burn because they’re made of good old American metal. They fly out of the maelstrom and everybody relaxes and probably pretends they weren’t just whimpering quiet prayers that they wouldn't shit themselves. They gawk at the beautiful landscape that is all mountains and tiny islands clustered together. Mason goes back to taking pictures. Packard orders them to split up so they can cover more ground. Pornstache points to a spot and orders the pilot to put them down there. Two helicopters do so and unload equipment. Pornstache announces they are ready and the guys in the choppers still in the air start tossing bombs to the ground. We duck down to show all the deer and other animals that are in the path of these bombs. Mason and James look at each other warily. On the ground, Brooks and Sam marvel at the seismic readings they’re already getting and Brooks tells Randa that the bedrock is “practically hollow”. They keep gleefully tossing out more bombs than is probably necessary because guys just love making things go boom, until one of the helicopters full of unimportant people is hit by a flying tree and falls out of the sky. A second one is grabbed by an enormous gorilla hand and slung in a few circles before Kong’s giant face comes into view, peering in to see if any of those funny little hairless monkeys are still in there. He roars and shakes one loose, seemingly right into his mouth. And we cut right to a guy eating a sandwich. Because if you haven’t abandoned all hope of subtlety by now, you are probably watching the wrong movie. It turns out it’s Steve, who stops eating when Packard starts screaming about two of the choppers being down. And then we get the shot that was on the poster for this movie. A hazy "Apocalypse Now" style sunset on the horizon being obscured by a giant ape as helicopters fly toward it. The remaining pilots all start chattering frantically to the tune of WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Everyone gapes stupidly except Randa, who takes a video with a Super 8. “That a monkey,” asks Redneck. Emilio: No, it’s a gorilla. Diandra: That walks upright like a human. Or, I guess, like the evolved apes in any of the "Planet of the Apes" movies. The choppers start breaking around Kong, who clenches a fist and growls. He roars at one, which starts firing one of the weapons Brooks was talking about. Kong flinches and roars some more and then punches one of the helicopters right out of the sky and beats his chest while it bursts into flames. James yells at their pilot to get the fuck out of there. The pilot snots that he doesn’t take orders from HIM. Emilio: Shut up, Loki. In his helicopter, Randa is also yelling into a walkie to get the fuck out of here. Kong grabs the tail of one redshirt's chopper and cuts himself, roaring angrily as it spins out of control but mostly unharmed to the ground. Packard orders a recovery team to their location. Another redshirt rappels down and just reaches the chopper before Kong slams his hand over the entire thing, crushing them all. Kong roars and runs toward Packard’s helicopter. Packard orders “kill the son of a bitch!” Kong jumps up OVER the chopper and it crashes into another one, both going down. Kong stomps a couple of the soldiers guarding the science team and then swipes all their equipment and one remaining guy into the air. The guy slams into the windshield of Mason and James’ helicopter and flies up into the rotors, which rips them off and shreds him with very little blood because that’s how you get away with portraying violent death in a PG-13 movie. They hit a half a dozen trees on the way down, but since both passengers are top billed cast it’s pretty safe to say they’ll survive. Speaking of which...Packard gets free of the wreckage of his chopper and goes to help the pilot. Before he can reach him, Kong grabs the remains of the helicopter, flinging the pilot several miles away and tosses the twisted fuselage at Randa’s helicopter. We get a little slow motion shot of Kong smashing three more helicopters, but they don’t have any named cast in them so they die an insignificant death worthy of a redshirt. A couple hundred yards away, Packard glares at him murderously, ignoring the extras running past him yelling at him to FUCKING RUN ARE YOU CRAZY?! He doesn’t flinch as Kong smashes the remains of one chopper on the ground between them and it explodes, Kong’s half-crazed eyes meeting his over the flames. Emilio: Mine is bigger. Diandra: Whose? Sam’s or Kong’s? Emilio: I believe this is the conversation we had on Twitter already. Sam’s. Diandra: Oh, right. If you’re reading this and wondering what we’re talking about: there is a statistic that says when you account for differences in overall body proportions, human males have bigger dicks than almost any land mammal on Earth. Except probably horses. Emilio: Speaking of horses... Diandra: If you’re going to bring up the fact that Norse Mythology Loki fucked a horse, Chrissy and I already covered that in the "Avengers" recap. And then we cut to James watching Kong stalk away from the flaming mess through binoculars on the other side of a break between mountains. A kid with a radio - Slimko, who I think was introduced earlier but whatever - calls to the fleet to ask if anybody is still in the air. James, finally able to call the shots in this group, says no, they’re all down and starts giving directions to the nearby river, which he thinks they can follow to reach the north side of the island where the extraction point is. Pornstache – oh, they’ve already grouped – asks what the fuck they should do then if all the helicopters are down. James steps close to him, towering over him and says something about a search party and exit windows. Slimko screeches “are we just not going to talk about this?” As James keeps rambling about how wide a radius they are all scattered around, my guess is no. He repeats that they should just go north and they can just join up with any survivors they run into along the way. Then he asks Mason if she’s okay. She numbly says she doesn’t know how to answer that yet. He says yeah, he doesn’t know what that whole thing was about either. She says he better be worth all that money he says they paid him to do this mission. She stalks off and he contemplates how much of a headache this is going to be while Slimko again screeches about how they should REALLY TALK ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE. A roughed up Redneck picks up a radio to answer Packard's frantic calls for somebody to verify they are still alive. He gives Packard his coordinates, which point to a nearby mountain peak. He tells Redneck to stay where he is and Packard and what team he's assembled so far will come to him. He adds that there should still be enough munitions on his chopper to "kill this thing." Redneck goes to respond but the walkie cuts out so we can only assume he said something along the lines of "ARE YOU CRAZY YOU MOTHERFUCKER?" Packard tries to get through a couple times, then give up and announces to his group that they're moving out. Cole is sitting on some wreckage numbly eating a can of beans when Mills asks how the HELL he can be eating right now. Emilio: What? You don't eat when you're stressed? Diandra: Oh, he'd be a lot fatter than that if he did. Mills summarizes that they just got swatted out of the sky by "a monkey the size of a building". Cole is like 'yeah...that was weird, wasn't it?' Mills splutters and Cole shrugs like 'how am I supposed to react to a crazy ass situation nobody could possibly have prepared for? We did the best we could. I'm alive. I found a can of beans. I'm eating it.' Packard appears over the ridge and waves at them. Then we cut to him arriving at the clearing they're in and hugging Mills and Cole in turn, relieved that at least a couple redshirts are still living. Emilio: Two more bodies Kong has to go through before getting to him. He asks how many of them are left. Mills says seven living and seven confirmed dead so far. Emilio: You know what just came to my mind at the proximity of the words "Mills" and "Seven" right? Diandra: WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?! Emilio: Exactly. This is why we are friends. He gives Packard the dog tags of the dead guys and says Slimko and everybody else are unknown because I guess Slimko never successfully got that radio to work. Packard clutches the tags, makes angry faces and demands to know where Randa is. He finds Randa sitting on an overturned crate beside the river and calmly asks how he's doing like he actually cares. Randa says he's fine. Packard says good, then sits in front of him on another turned crate and pulls a gun. "You are going to tell me everything I don't know, or I'm gonna blow your head off," he says calmly. Randa, obviously recognizing that no version of Sam Jackson is ever somebody you want to fuck with, says okay, sure. "Monsters exist," he begins. Emilio: But kids aren't afraid of them anymore. Diandra: Shut up, Mike. Emilio: There it is again. See? You should invite me to do this more often. Packard says yeah, no shit. Care to elaborate? Randa says nobody believed him until now. Packard concludes that dropping those bombs was never about geological mapping or whatever bullshit he sold the mission as - it was about flushing that thing out. Randa asks if Packard has ever heard of the US somethingmumbleton. It was a ship full of 1,000, of which Randa was the only survivor. They told everybody back home that it sunk in battle, but he knows what really happened to it and he's been trying to prove it for 30 years. "This planet doesn't belong to us. Ancient species owned this Earth long before mankind and if we keep our heads buried in the sand they will take it back." Well...technically the longest reigning form of life on the planet is bacteria and we only think we are in charge because we need it more than it needs us, but whatever. He explains that his organization - Monarch - specializes in tracking down "Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms." Emilio: Sort of like a cross between "Torchwood" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Diandra: I'll have to take your word for it because I've only seen, like, two episodes of Buffy. Emilio: What were you watching in the 90s, woman? Diandra: Early Edition. Quantum Leap. Lots of time travel stuff, basically. And Friends. Emilio: Oh, well. Who wasn't watching THAT one? Packard is more concerned about the fact that Randa knew that beast was out there and he brought them right to it like sacrificial lambs. Randa is like yeeaaaaaahhhh. Sorry. But if he can get them home with the proof they can send in the cavalry to take care of it. Packard just gives him a 'fuck you' stare, holsters his gun and saunters away, calling back "I am the cavalry". Elsewhere on the island, James is showing off his guns while Brooks rambles about hollow earth theory. Emilio: Guns? Plural? Diandra: Ahem. [looks at Emilio pointedly] Emilio: Oh. But seriously, guns? Brooks says Randa hired him because of a paper he wrote suggesting the "crackpot" theory some people had about massive, previously undiscovered spaces underground might be onto something. Biologist Sam adds that Randa believed maybe this island was sitting on one of those. Emilio: Is that like a rift? Can we go back to the "Torchwood" thing for a second? Diandra: Or one of those portal things through time from "Primeval"? What were they called? Emilio: I think they called them anomalies eventually, but at first they called them "earthquakes in time". Diandra: Yeah, that sounds appropriately dumb. Emilio: Is this what's going on with "Lost" too? Is that thing in the woods a dinosaur? Diandra: I loved "Lost" to death, but...you might want to lower the bar of your expectations a little. Emilio: Or just prompt your muse into writing a crossover where a T-Rex stumbles through an anomaly and chases the survivors around the jungle until they all fall through a rift and wind up in the 70s on Skull Island. Diandra: ...............talk to me again once you get to season four. The group emerges into a clearing alongside what looks like the same river, Brooks still talking about Randa's theory that the island is an "emergence point" for one of those underground passages, a safe haven for ancient species. Slimko tries his walkie again, announcing to whoever can hear that they're headed to the extraction point. James tells him he's wasting his time because they're out of range and he should wait until they're closer to the rest of the group. Something that looked like a clump of trees in the middle of the water suddenly moves and Slimko shits a brick and waves his gun at an emerging giant water buffalo. James calmly tells everyone to calm down and reaches over to lower Slimko's gun as the animal lumbers over and stares at them curiously. Mason takes a picture of it and, deciding these funny looking creatures aren't that interesting after all, the animal turns around and lumbers away again. So if you're keeping track of how everybody reacts to the kind of weird shit they could find on this island: Mason takes pictures, Slimko freaks out like a trigger happy idiot, James does exactly what a rational person should be doing and the two scientists just disappear in a puff of smoke or something. Seriously, what, are they hiding behind a rock somewhere? Emilio: More accurately, Slimko and Conrad are reacting the way guys with military training but varying degrees of actual experience would act. Weaver is acting like a photographer. Diandra: And the scientists are acting like nerds whose self preservation instinct outweighs their curiosity? Emilio: Yeah, sure. Packard and his small band of soldiers bury the dead and he says a few words over their graves that are basically just a vow to get revenge. Then they start off to find Redneck and his arsenal. On the way, Cole asks if Mills ever heard the fable about the mouse who helps the lion get a thorn out of his paw. He thinks that's the answer if they run into the giant monkey again. Mills is like 'wait...make nice with him and become his friend?' Cole is like 'what? I thought the mouse killed the lion with the thorne.' Oh, sure, because that makes so much more sense. Mills asks who told him that jacked up version. Cole says his mother. Because I guess she forgot the actual ending and just wound up doing a variation on David and Goliath instead. "That actually explains a lot," Mills mutters as Cole walks away. One of the remaining unnamed redshirts stops to take a drink of water and freezes, staring up in horror. The camera cuts away from his face as he silently drops the water bottle. Up ahead, Randa, Steve and another soldier redshirt slowly turn to see what just happened. It looks like a bamboo tree suddenly sprang from the guy's mouth. They follow the "tree" up to where an enormous spider is hovering over the little bamboo grove, its legs camouflaged. Because of course there are giant spiders. There are always giant spiders. Jesus. Emilio: Shelob! Diandra: Oy. The "bamboo tree" that is actually a sword like leg rips free and starts stabbing at the others while they scramble to take cover in the actual trees. Cole starts shooting up at the body, which...I mean...shouldn't he be trying to rip its legs off and stab it with them? Or something? What is the thorne in this scenario? Shelob sends down some sort of webbing to snare Mills, hauling him up and Cole loses his clear shot. Then he yells at everybody else to cut off the thing's legs. They get maybe three legs before Mills manages to cut himself free, then they go back to shooting until puss or something explodes on them. They clear out before it hits the ground and Packard shoots several rounds into what is presumably its face. Elsewhere, James stops in a small clearing and stares at something off screen. Everyone else hangs well behind him. Slimko asks what the HELL that is. James cautiously creeps up to what obviously used to be an opening in a wall now in ruins. The rest of the team follow him through the opening. Mason goes to take a picture of a wall and a human face appears, camouflaged in front of it. She yelps and several more camouflaged natives come out of hiding to surround them, pointing spears. They form a circle and point guns back although James keeps yelling at them to not shoot. And then John C. Reilly - in an air force jacket and hat - appears and tells everybody to calm down. He rambles at the dazed team about how he didn't believe them when they said people were coming and he and Gunpai dreamed of this moment for a LONG time and now after almost 29 years and 8 failed attempts to leave this crazy place... "Did you crash here," Mason asks. John apologizes for his manners, but...you know...he's been here a while. He introduces himself as Lieutenant Hank Marlow of the 45th. He says they are "more beautiful" than a hot dog and a beer on opening day at Wrigley field. Then he gets distracted at the thought of a hot dog and beer for a minute. Then he asks if they are, in fact, real. The team all stare at him silently. The natives slowly lower their spears. Slimko whimpers that there's something out there in that jungle. Hank is like 'yeah, there's a lot of things out there. You want to be more specific? On second thought. Let's go someplace safer because you do NOT want to be out here after dark.' Obvious foreshadowing is obvious. Emilio: Well, if you're on an island with giant monkeys, muskoxen and spiders you probably don't want to just hang around until the nocturnal animals come out. Diandra: Although it would probably be entertaining to watch Slimko get carried off by a giant owl. Redneck stands in a river filling his canteen with water and washing away blood from the crash. He hears some creaking and snapping noises from nearby and then Kong walks through the water up ahead. Redneck freezes, then runs and hides behind a rock as Kong stomps in his direction. Kong doesn't seem to see him. Redneck watches as he squats, prods at a wound on his arm, flexes his fingers to reveal accompanying cuts all over his hand and then scoops an entire pond's worth of water in his other hand to get a drink. Then he suddenly slams his hand into the water and unearths a giant octopus. Or squid. Kind of hard to count the legs when they're all over the place. Emilio: Squid. Elongated head. Diandra: Okay. The squid wraps Kong in probably more tentacles than it should strictly have and Kong roars, crushes its head and starts ripping the tentacles off and eating them. Because hey, free sushi. Emilio: Isn't that technically sashimi? Diandra: Yeah. In other news, I am no longer hungry. Emilio: Well, at least you're not gagging and making me take over the recap while you run to the bathroom. Diandra: You read my LoTR recaps, huh? Then you saw the part where I admitted I was just doing that because I was bored. Emilio: So I don't have to worry about you doing that to me? Diandra: Well...as I recall it does get pretty cringey, but you only have to take over if you want to. Emilio: Probably not a good idea. I'd just talk about how this looks like some messed up tentacle porn. Diandra: Dude...you clearly have not read very many of my recaps if you think that would be worse than usual. Redneck watches while Kong chews and entire tentacle, then gets back up and drags the rest of the carcass back up river. Because he doesn't waste his food. Hank takes the A-Team back to a little walled off native village, similar to what we have seen in basically every other King Kong movie. He assures them that as long as they stay here where the natives live they will be safe. Mason points to the wall and asks if it's supposed to "keep out that thing". Hank is like 'the giant venomous snake? Yeah. Oh, wait...what thing?' Emilio: But there really are giant snakes on the island. Diandra: Well, yes, there are at least two, but since this movie is rated PG-13, they have to remain hidden. Emilio: ...you walked me right into that joke, didn't you? Diandra: [innocent smile] Emilio: Okay...well. At least they're not poisonous then. Diandra: No, but they do sometimes spit. Emilio: But they have really bad aim because they only have the one eye. Diandra: See what I meant about the tentacle porn not being any worse? Emilio: Just to be clear...by two you mean Sam Jackson and... Diandra: The fans' choice for the next James Bond, yes. I'll send you the Tumblr posts outlining all the evidence. Emilio: No, that's okay. I think I got it. Hank says no, HE'S not the one they want to keep out. Brooks asks what that means. Hank starts rambling about the natives and how they live in the trees and don't seem to age. They live a peaceful existence wherein nobody commits any crimes and there is no need for personal belongings or money. An Asian (or Polynesian maybe) couple that looks like they're probably the oldest members of the tribe step in front of Hank and bow slightly. He bows back, says thank you and tells the team they said it's okay if they "shack up" in the village. James is like 'wait...what? None of these people have said anything since we got here.' Hank says yeah, they don't talk much but he's been here long enough that they understand each other. Emilio: Also, the telepathy helps. Pornstache pipes up that they can't STAY here. They have to get off this island. Emilio: There is no way off the island. You're trapped here forever with the monsters and probably some polar bears. Diandra: I mean, unless you find the giant donkey wheel in the middle of it or you find a rift via a combination of a shitload of mathematical equations, a giant pendulum and dumb luck. Emilio: There's the giant wheel thing again. What kind of show have you gotten me into? Diandra: A really awesome one that I miss terribly. James says now really isn't the time to get into this. Hank says sorry, dude, I hate to break it to you but whatever lands on the island tends to not leave the island. Then he shows them a rusted out ship still faintly marked "Black Rock". Sorry, I mean "Wanderer". I'm sure it's not actually a slave ship from the 1800s that washed into the jungle on a tidal wave. Hank says it crashed 10 years before he did. Mason somehow just now registers that he's been on this island since 1944. Hank asks if we won the war. "Which one," Slimko asks because he failed history class. Hank grumbles that that figures. They duck into a temple and Hank warns them not to touch anything because this is all "hallowed ground". He takes off his hat and they all gape at the forest of stone pillars with hieroglyphs painted on them leading up to the shrine at the end of the room. Hank exposits that according to the legends, the people of the island lived in fear for thousands of years. We follow the group until the hieroglyphs on some of the pillars form an image of giant lizard like skulls attacking a group of humans. Further down, the next image is a giant gorilla face and the people are bowing to him. Hank says one day, some of the things they were afraid of started to protect them against the other things that were actively trying to eat them. The next image is of a gorilla burying a couple gorilla skeletons. They come to the last image, of Kong with his arms raised in a benevolent gesture, which Hank says is where the natives honor the last of their protectors. He finally formally introduces them to Kong. "He's king around here." And he's a pretty good king, actually. Very benevolent. Totally doesn't treat the humans like they're just his pets that he keeps safe from wild anim...wait a minute. Emilio: That's totally what they are though. Hank finishes his little exposition by chastising them for coming into the King's territory and just dropping bombs on it. Instead of pointing out that it wasn't really their idea, Mason asks if Kong killed Hank's friend. Hank points at an image of a giant lizard and says no, one of THEM did it. Emilio: When did we even talk about his friend dying? Did we skip that part? Diandra: Probably one of the things cut in editing. James asks what those things are called. Hank looks around and whispers that the Iwis don't speak their name so he just calls them skull-crawlers. James asks why and Hank drops the reverent tone to say he doesn't know really, he just thought it sounded cool. James and Mason look at each other and try to keep straight faces while Hank babbles that he made the name up because it sounded appropriately scary. Mason's like no, that's cool. We can totally call them that, crazy eyes. Hank is like 'yeah, well, now that I say it out loud it sounds kind of stupid, so whatever. The nameless giant lizard creatures that look like walking skeletons. Thanks for coming here and shitting on my ideas.' Emilio: [who has been scrolling through IMDb trivia on his phone since he last spoke] They cut an entire hour of scenes and they kept THIS intact? We see Kong outside peering down a steaming hole in the ground as Hank says the lizards come up from underground, which is why the bombs really pissed Kong off. It "woke" some of them up. And the only reason the humans invaders are even still breathing is probably because Kong has been keeping those things at bay. Kong roars at one of the skull crawlers (yes, might as well call them that) peaking from behind a dead musk ox near the hole. The skull crawler flicks its tongue cockily and starts crawling over the ox on legs that look like these creatures live on a steady diet of steroids. Another crawler comes over a nearby ridge behind Kong. Hank continues to narrate as the fight begins that Kong can handle them when they're still small, but god help them if they wake up "the big one". Sam asks how big he's talking here. Hank cryptically says "bigger". It wiped out Kong's entire race. Also, he's basically still in adolescence, so as big as he looks now, he's still growing. Hank finishes with the Iwi legend that once Kong dies, the Big One will come up and destroy everything. James explains the whole extraction from the north end of the island in three days plan and Mason adds that Hank should go with them. Hank starts laughing. James reflexively laughs along with him and slowly stops as Hank starts patting his face a little too hard. Hank stops laughing and says yeah...that's not going to happen. At least not if they're planning on just WALKING to the north side. Packard's group is wading through a swamp with bugs buzzing noisily, so I guess the ones that aren't killed by the giant monsters are going to die of malaria. They stop when Packard spots what looks like a flying dinosaur on a rock. He looks at it through his rifle scope and notes that it is an "ugly ass bird" before shooting its face off. It explodes in a rain of blue blood and about a hundred of its kin take off suddenly from a nearby tree, flying over their group. One of the men notes that this place is hell. Also, monsters are real. Mills asks if anybody else thinks Packard has decided killing that giant monkey is more important than getting them all off the island. He questions whether they can make the exit point in three days at all. Cole insists they'll make it. Emilio: Funny how the redshirts always think that. Hank takes the A-team to a boat he says he and Gunpai ALMOST got working. Was this really the guy's name? Because it's also a name for a particular kind of hand fan generals used, so...it's possible he misunderstood something. Emilio: Eh. At least he didn't call him "pickpocket". Diandra: No, apparently that's a girl's name that WOULD mean princess if was spelled it right. For those of you playing the home game, yes we are talking about Tom Cruise's kid. Hank says the plan was go out to sea and try to get home, but one of "those things" got Gunpai before they could attempt it. James looks at the "boat" made out of the remains of the American and Japanese WWII fighter planes and makes a snarky comment about it being "lovely". Hank thinks it's beautiful though, and says it's called The Grey Fox. They spent six years working on it. Slimko asks if it floats. Hank says yes, and it runs on the engine parts of both planes. Plus another one they found on the beach one day. Pornstache is like 'yeah, this is a giant tetanus trap'. Hank says look, it may not be the most beautiful ship ever made, but let's see you guys come up with a better plan. Mason takes pictures of the natives and lets one of them take a picture of her. Their happy little montage is interrupted by something bellowing in the distance. She creeps through a gap in the wall and looks at the sharpened wood spears sticking out to keep the monsters away. Most of them have blood on them. She keeps moving past this and finds one of those waterbuffalos trapped under a fallen chopper. She runs up to try to lift the tail pinning it down and yells at it to get up. It just keeps wailing. Then suddenly the entire chopper is lifted into the air and the buffalo staggers away as Mason blinks up at Kong. She doesn't scream. Just stares, wide-eyed. Kong tosses the twisted chopper aside, turns and lumbers away. She gasps like she's been holding her breath. Packard - Chrissy: WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?! Diandra: [nearly falling out of her chair] Um...hiiiii, Chris. What are you doing here? Chrissy: Emilio texted me. I've been waiting for you to call and tell me you're ready to do the "Doctor Strange" recap and instead you go and do this with Emilio - a movie I HEAVILY HINTED I would be onboard for. Emilio: In her defense, she was under the mistaken impression there would be less drool if she invited me. Chrissy: .........Brie Larson? Emilio: Brie Larson. Chrissy: Yeah, she's cute. Oh, and here's that beer you asked me to bring. Diandra: You brought beer? Chrissy: Yes, but you can't have any. That's what you get for going behind my back. Now get back to the recap and be glad I didn't make you start the movie all over again. Diandra: Now do you see why I was skeptical when you called me the boss in the last recap? Chrissy: [cracks open a beer and gives Diandra the evil eye] Damnit. Where was I? Packard points to a mountain that has red streaks on it and laughs that "it bleeds". He repeats that if they can find those munitions Redneck is sitting on they can "finish the job". Cole sidles up to Randa and starts rambling about how his rifle looks different than the ones the others are carrying because he took it from a Vietnamese farmer who joined the national army. He surrendered after the Americans destroyed his village and claimed he'd never even seen a gun in his 50 years on Earth before they came charging in. "Sometimes an enemy doesn't exist until you're looking for one." That...is surprisingly profound considering the source. He walks away while Randa mutters "what happens when they show up on your doorstep?" The soundtrack of rock classics from the 70s kicks in again with "Bad Moon Rising" or, if you are really good at mishearing song lyrics like me "Brand New Horizon". Emilio: Isn't that a Sting song? Diandra: Is it? Emilio: My favorite misheard lyric from you is still "it's not Christmas if it's not on fire." Diandra: Yes, thank you for continually bringing that up so you can tease me about it. Emilio: Hey, I have to earn my BroSis title somehow, Firecup. Chrissy: Firecup? Diandra: Long story. Emilio: Not really. I called my girlfriend Buttercup and she misheard. I told her she could be Firecup if she wanted. Chrissy: That's awesome, actually. Diandra: [groan] James asks if Slimko knows what he's doing back there. Emilio: Not the first time he's said those words, I bet. Diandra: Hey! Chrissy: [loud barking laugh] [high fives Emilio] Slimko says his dad is a mechanic and he'd disown him if he couldn't fix a problem like this. James is working with Hank, who calls him "Churchill" and asks what the hell he means we're in a "cold war" with our ally (ha) Russia. He asks if it's a war where you "take summers off". James just blinks at him and goes back to work. Hank decides to change the subject and asks if the Cubs have won a world series yet. Chrissy: No, Dr. Shephard, but since you're stuck on a deserted island and that seems to be when miracles like that happen... Diandra: Okay, now I'm regretting not having you here all along. Emilio: Was that another "Lost" reference? Chrissy: Ah...I see...you've been making obscure connections to "Lost" this whole movie, haven't you? Diandra: There's just SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES. Also, let me just scroll back and show you what Emilio said about crossover potentials... Chrissy: [five minutes later] HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, man, you are in for a crazy ride, Emilio. Slimko says not even close. "Were they ever good?" Emilio: Not really. They are the Vikings of baseball. Chrissy: Still bitter about that 11th hour loss? Emilio: Eh. I'm a Packer's fan. They have a little bickering over the Cubs and the team from Slimko's home town of Detroit: the Tigers. Slimko points out that in a fight between an actual tiger and an actual cub, a tiger would win. He smirks like he's won the argument, which...no, they're both idiots. Chrissy: Hey, so Emilio...who would win in an actual fight? A Viking or a Packer? What is a Packer anyway? Emilio: Depends on what they're packing. Diandra: LET'S MOVE ON, SHALL WE? Getting back to more important things, Pornstache pipes up that we put a man on the moon. Hank squints up at the sky and asks if they just left him up there. Pornstache doesn't seem to hear him so he assumes that's a yes and asks what the poor abandoned astronaut is eating. Pornstache says Tang and Spam. Chrissy: And the dead bodies of the other guys on his crew. James is like COULD EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK SO WE CAN MAKE SOME PROGRESS BEFORE THE SUN GOES DOWN? Chrissy: Shut up, Loki. Diandra: Yes, we've already done that. Chrissy: Yeah, well, I wouldn't know now, would I? Elsewhere, Redneck stabs a knife into a tree and hangs some boots and the "dear Billy" letters from it. He keeps trying to call out on his walkie and getting weird static. Chrissy: Il est dehor! Il les a tue! Il les a tue tous! Diandra: Okay, I'm really regretting not inviting you to do this from the beginning. Chrissy: Aww. I love you too, Firecup. Diandra: Aaaaaaaaand you ruined it. He groans and says "dear Billy, sometimes life just punches you in the balls." He slaps his walkie down on the log beside him and jumps across the clearing as the "log" suddenly lurches upright and makes weird squawking noises at him. He lunges for his rifle and starts shooting at it. It retreats, mewling. And then a skull crawler lunges at him from the woods. Emilio: Like I said earlier, somebody's going to feel horrible when it turns out he's missing Billy's birthday because he died. Diandra: One down...how many redshirts to go? Emilio: That's more than one. Also, they multiply, remember? Night. We get a brief shot of a gorgeous aurora behind the Black Ro...I mean...hell, I don't remember the actual name. It's the Black Rock now. Fuck it. Slimko plays some "modern" music on a record player and Hank does the Greatest Generation 'what the hell is with the crap these kids call music these days' act. He's using a knife to shave his mountain man beard. Slimko laughs that he's like a "time traveler". Chrissy: Yeah, you laugh now, but wait till the people from YOUR future come and ask about the Dharma Initiative. Pornstache starts fretting about whether the jerry rig he calls a boat will get them where they need to be in 36 hours. The scientists are over in another corner. Brooks says when he first presented that paper on Hollow Earth Theory, the committee laughed at him. The only guy who took him seriously was Randa. Which felt good until he starting talking about how it's not so much "hollow" as it is "filled with ancient monsters". Hank has apparently decided to mess with Pornstache as he does a crazy man act where he claims to not know when he's talking out loud or in his head and "I'm going to stab you by the end of the night." Chrissy: But it won't really be me. The voices in my head are telling me to do it and I MUST OBEY THE VOICES. Pornstache is like 'wait...what?' Hank says he's just kidding. Or IS HE? James finds Mason gawking at the aurora and says "isn't it odd the most dangerous places are always the most beautiful." Chrissy: Aren't they getting ready to sleep? Shouldn't he have his shirt off by now? Mason says she was trying to take a "long exposure" photo, but her flashlight broke. James offers to let her use his... Emilio: Yeah, I bet he does. ...lighter. Diandra: Are you two going to be like this for the rest of the recap? Emilio: Maybe. Chrissy: Yes. Diandra: Can I at least have one of those beers then? Chrissy: I only brought enough for two, so you'll have to get your own. Diandra: Fine. [leaves the room] From the recording of the recap session... Chrissy: So, was she doing that thing where she pretends she's not drooling, but she's totally drooling? Emilio: She actually zoned out for several minutes and then acted like it didn't happen. Then she started describing Tom's biceps as "guns". I pretended I didn't know what she was talking about. Chrissy: [snort] Yeah, that sounds about right. I once came in in the middle of her "Troy" recap and she had the scene paused and was absently tracing her finger over Brad Pitt's bare abs. I had to call her name a couple times. She still says I'm exaggerating when I talk about it. Emilio: I remember reading that. Did that really happen then? Chrissy: Yeah. Wait...you actually read these recaps? Diandra: [returning to the room] What are you guys talking about now? Chrissy: I found the person who has been reading your recaps. Where were we? Mason uses the lighter to adjust the settings on her camera and notes that it says "Royal Air Force" on it. James says it was his father's, thrown to him as dad was leaving to fight in WWII. He gets nostalgic and says his dad was like a mythic hero to him: a John Wayne. So...a macho badass who never existed. Mason asks a question that probably has an obvious answer here: did his dad come back? No, they stopped searching a few months after his plane crashed. James waxes philosophical about how no man really comes home from a war. Because this is a continuing theme here in case you haven't noticed. We pan up to the pretty aurora and back down to Packard's group, settling down to sleep out in the open. Randa goes to sit with Packard and tells him that his idea of going to Redneck's crash site to get the weapons is insane. He understands the need to go recover one of his men, but...I mean...he just wanted to prove he wasn't crazy. Not go nuclear on the monsters' asses. Colonel Kurtz...sorry...Packard tells him if he doesn't like the plan he can fuck right the hell off. Randa started this and Packard is damn well gonna FINISH IT. Elsewhere on the island, Kong watches the pretty lights. Morning. Hank gets to filling in the backstory just now. He has built a shrine to "Gunpai Ikari" out of whatever belongings he had, including a picture of a Japanese woman over the spot where he buried him. He says once they realized how far they were from the war and any place where their uniforms mattered, they realized how much they had in common and became like brothers. Yeah. Funny how that always seems to happen. He sniffles and says they swore they would never leave each other behind. Chrissy: I think they might have been more than "brothers". Diandra: Yeah, that also happens when you throw a bunch of men in a place with no women for a long stretch of time. Emilio: Or just away from the heteronormative expectations of society. Diandra: Like in prison. Emilio: Exactly. He recovers a moment later, takes the samurai sword he used to mark the grave and announces that they are getting off this island. We get a little montage of everybody getting the jerry rigged boat to staagwnaio;goviemcralhiuwegbvan,lcorm Chrissy: Oy. Emilio: Should we try to snap her out of it? Chrissy: Nah, if that noise her computer made when her keyboard smash opened a pop-up menu in Word didn't do it...she'll come out on her own. Emilio: Want another beer? Chrissy: [not looking away from the screen] Hmm? Oh, sure. Emilio: Oh. Now I see why she invited me instead of you. [cracks open another beer and tosses cap at the screen] Diandra: [startling] What happened? Emilio: Oh, nothing. Tom flexed his arms and the two of you got lady boners. Diandra: Pffftttt. Whatever. [sees image on screen frozen on Tom straining to move a lever or something] [clears throat] [goes to type and computer bleats because a menu screen is open] [clicks menu screen shut nonchalantly and clears throat again] Emilio: Got something in your throat there? Diandra: Shut up. Anyway. They manage to get the "boat" started after a few tries, but the celebration is cut short when Mason realizes the entire native tribe is standing on the shore staring at them. Hank goes over to say goodbye to the tribe elders and thank them for everything they've done. They nod solemnly. The boat starts moving and Mason starts frantically snapping pictures of the natives as they are separated. Sad music plays. And then as the boat gets out into the open water and we switch back to Packard's team - somehow still all alive - walking, the person in charge of the soundtrack does the one thing the TWoP recapper for "Lost" spent YEARS begging for. They play Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Run Through the Jungle". It turns out somebody on the boat is playing it. Probably Slimko again. Sam is struggling to open a can with a knife and Brooks rushes to help her before she cuts herself. Chrissy: And then immediately cuts himself because seriously, like he can do any better? He actually literally does this. She takes it back and goes back to what she was doing before he tried to get all macho on her. Chrissy: And when she gets it open he will probably claim he loosened it. Hank is holding a picture of a woman he says is his wife. Or was. He's not really sure. Emilio: Oh, she moved on. She's married your best friend and they have three kids and she barely even thinks about you anymore. He says they married just before he deployed and she gave birth to a son the day before he got shot down and stuck on this island. So there's a grown man somewhere that he's never met who is his son. Chrissy: Thank god he's American and James' dad was British or this would be potential for another cliché. Diandra: 'He'd be about your age, wouldn't he? What did you say happened to your dad?' Slimko grumbles that his wife definitely thinks he's dead. James tells him to can it. Emilio: Except in a more polite, British way. Diandra: Naturally. Hank says nah, the kid has a point. He doesn't expect that she waited this long for him. Because that would be insane. Especially since as a woman at that time she would have needed a man's salary to survive and raise a child. No, he just wants to see them one more time. A walkie bursts to life and Mills voice asks if anybody is out there. Slimko grabs the radio giddily and babbles that YES! WE'RE HERE! WE'RE ON A BOAT! Mills is like a...what? Slimko keeps rambling about how they met this "crazy Santa Claus time traveler guy from World War II" and the boat is more of a plane...or two planes... James reminds him they need a location and Slimko tells Mills to send up a flare. Packard is like 'already on it' and shoots a flare to signal their location, which happens to be a couple miles ahead of where the "boat" is. Pornstache points it out like nobody else can see it. Chrissy: Can't one of those skull things eat some of these people already? And suddenly their celebrations are cut short as one of the flying dinosaur birds drags Pornstache right off the boat. Chrissy: Yay! Another bird joins the first, both of them gripping Pornstache. James and Slimko grab riffles and go to shoot, but they're already too far away. A bunch more birds join in and one manages to rip Pornstache's arm off in a way that is almost cartoonish. Emilio: Yeah...almost... James is like 'yep, he's gone. Let's get out of here. We can pretend anybody gives a shit about him later.' Brooks splutters and asks if they're going to TALK about what the fuck just happened. Ah, nope. It's probably best if we don't think too hard about anything that happens from now on. Hank says there's nothing TO say since, you know, talking won't change anything. So he gets behind the wheel James just vacated and gets them moving again. They reach land and wait by the river for Packard's team to come to them, which James announces shouldn't take long because they were only two klicks away. Mason is like 'yeah, assuming they haven't been eaten yet.' Chrissy: Thank you, Debbie Downer. So glad you could join us. Something rustles the trees nearby and Slimko yelps and possibly scrambles for his gun, but luckily he doesn't get to it before Packard's team comes out. The soldiers hug each other. Randa shakes Brooks' hand and admits he wishes he had been crazy about this thing. James asks Packard how many people he has left. Packard says they're looking at them right now. Emilio: So you didn't bother to do a headcount is what you're saying. Hank wanders over to greet them and Packard is like 'uh...Pornstache is looking really different since the crash.' Hank introduces himself and Packard does the same "you've been here since WWII" song and dance and they salute each other. James repeats his plan to follow the river to the rendezvous point. Packard is like 'yeah, that's a nice plan, but we're not leaving, so...you know...fuck it.' He justifies this by saying they still have a man they need to recover just west of here. Sure. Hank splutters and says they can't go WEST because that's where the skull demons live. Emilio: I thought they were called skull crawlers. Diandra: Oh, was that the name? I forgot and he said "skull things" just now, so...I made that name up just now. But if you don't like it... Chrissy: Whatever. You'll probably come up with another one the next time you forget. Diandra: Are you saying I'm predictable? Chrissy: You named a guy in your last recap after an insurance company and a brand of lighter. Yes. Diandra: Hey, you're the one who started that. Also, I believe I said "Gekko", not "Geiko". Hank isn't finished. He yells that there is a saying on this island: "east is best, west is worst". Chrissy: It's a saying he came up with and only he uses. Diandra: Probably. He keeps rambling about how if they want to go southwest, he's all for it, but if they're going to do the exact opposite they're gonna need a LOT more guns. Mason, who has been sitting quietly staring into space, stands up suddenly and announces that they should listen to him because this is insane. James looks like he's about to agree with her, so Packard redirects him and says he's the one who's supposed to be an expert at finding people, right? RIGHT? James sighs and says yes, sir. Emilio: 'Oh, so you do remember what happened last time you argued with me.' Diandra: He escaped, killed one of Fury's men and opened a portal so aliens could attack Earth? Chrissy: Yes, but in the end Fury still won. Diandra: Technically. James quickly adds that they are going to be back here by nightfall whether they find him or not because they have to be on the other side of the island in 24 hours. Packard is like 'yeah, sure. I will totally agree to those conditions and I will not argue with you about it later'. James stares at him like he knows full well he just made a big mistake. Hank cheerfully tells the remaining soldiers that they are good men and good soldiers and they're all totally going to die out here. He laughs and adds "you shouldn't have come here!" James goes over to where Mason has gone back to sitting staring into space and grumbles that she's free to tell him this was a bad idea latter. She's like 'fuck that, I'm telling you that now. Moron.' So they all trudge up a hill and just over the ridge find a graveyard of enormous, half covered bones. After another little ridge is another graveyard, but this one is fresher and there's a thick fog of decomposition hanging over it. Hank explains that this is what is left of Kong's ancestors. Mason says yeah, she's taken a lot of pictures of mass graves so this is familiar. Packard says the place they need to get to is on the other side of that valley, so they need to cross. Steve is like 'fuck this, let's go back to heading straight for the rendezvous point'. Packard says he's welcome to do that by his own damned self because they're not leaving Jack in this hellhole. Oh, is that Redneck's name? Have they said that before? Emilio: I don't think so. But then you keep using first names when they're using last names, so who knows? Diandra: Would you rather I called James and Mason Conrad and Weaver? Emilio: No. No point changing everything now. James says yeah, okay...they can make it across the valley. Packard is like 'damn right, bitch.' Hank just shakes his head and mutters "I've only been here twenty-eight years. What do I know?" They creep through the valley among the giant ape bones. This time Randa is taking pictures and Mason is kind of staring, shell-shocked. James squats beside some tracks. Cole lights a cigarette and Mills yells at him that now is NOT THE TIME. Cole glares at him and tosses the lit cigarette, which causes an explosion when it hits the ground. Randa yells at them to watch the fumes, then grumbles about what idiots they are. And then there's a screeching/cackling noise in the distance and Hank yells at everybody to run. Everyone dives for cover, Packard and several of his men hiding inside one skull, Randa and the scientists in the other and James, Mason, Hank and Slimko hiding behind adjacent slabs. Packard and his men watch as one of the skull demons crawls into view, sniffing around by the slabs like it can smell prey. It roars and Hank whimpers that he TOLD them this was a bad idea. But the skull demon has already eaten, as it illustrates by puking up a mess between the two slabs that includes a human skull conveniently still wrapped in a dog tag. Mason looks horrified. James squints at the tags, reading Jack Chapman's name. The skull demon, feeling much better now, strolls away. Packard and his men emerge from hiding, Packard yelling for everybody to get moving again. For some reason, James doesn't stop them despite the glaring evidence that this mission may be pointless now. They all move forward again, weapons at the ready, including Hank's friend's sword. And then the skull creature - who couldn't possibly have gotten very far - returns and grabs Randa while he's paused to take pictures again. It flings him (or...you know...Robert Patrick's CGI legs) around for a while before swallowing him whole. Chrissy: Random Jurassic Park reference is ra... actually, it's totally appropriate. Emilio: Oh, they openly invited it by having Sam Jackson repeat a line he said in that movie at the beginning of this one. Chrissy: Ha! I forgot about that. Packard and his men shoot at it, but it seems content with just one victim at a time so it turns and swaggers away as they're prepping their machine gun. Except it's still circling them because Randa's camera is still flashing and squealing from inside it. Everyone kind of freezes and tries to figure out which direction its going and the guys who just fucking FINISHED fighting a war this crazy are going through varying degrees of PTSD. Hank holds the sword over his head and says "death before dishonor" in Japanese. When the skull demon charges past him suddenly he slices into one of its legs, barely slowing it down. A redshirt fires the machine gun and the skull demon knocks him into the air, catches him with a lizard tongue and swallows him without even trying to chew. It goes chasing after Mason, who dives for cover in a tunnel made out of ribcage. It tries to bite through the bones and she squawks. One of the soldiers hauls out a flamethrower and sends a steady blast at the skull demon, totally surrounding Mason while he's at it. Nice to see your regard for the lives of civilians, Packard. Somehow she escapes and the skull demon whacks flamethrower guy with its tail. He lands inside one of the skulls and the explosion sends a nearby Slimko flying and scatters a bunch of cans labeled "toxic gas". James screams a warning and starts running toward Slimko. The gas tanks explode, creating a dense cloud. And because this wasn't enough, a bunch of those flying dinosaurs return, screeching overhead. Everything turns to chaos. Hank seems to be faring the best, slicing the incoming pterodactyls with the sword. And then James gets it in his head to do an action hero move and charges past Hank yelling "sword!" Hank throws it to him and he catches it, grabs a gas mask somebody apparently dropped, and dives into the cloud of smoke, slicing through a half a dozen pterodactyls in a gratuitous slow motion sequence. As the person who wrote the abridged script put it: "Uh...thanks, Tom, that was...something." Chrissy: Oh, whatever. I'm not complaining. Diandra: Did I say I was? Emilio: So is this an audition for James Bond or just action hero movies in general? Chrissy: Did Dee tell you about our idea to petition Benedict Cumberbatch to be the villain if they ever do get Tom to play Bond? Emilio: No, but I read it in one of her recaps, I think. Chrissy: My god, you really are reading these things. Are you masochistic or do you just have a lot of free time and a desperate need to kill the boredom? Diandra: Hey! Chrissy: I think we should revisit the idea of Emilio doing the MCU movies with us. Diandra: We'll discuss it later. Let's try to finish this one first. Skull devil is picking off all the redshirts who have somehow made it this far. Then it lurches in the direction of James, who has a woozy Slimko half-draped over his shoulder and just stares. Mason runs up, flicks the lighter she apparently never gave back last night and throws it toward the charging monster, creating an explosion that tosses all three of them back. Emilio: This is what I remember about the difference between this movie and all the other variations on King Kong. Usually the woman is a standard damsel in distress character. Here, if anyone is playing the damsel in distress, it's Tom. Diandra: Which would make Brie the knight on a white horse riding to his rescue. Emilio: Yep. Diandra: Which explains why you're drooling right now. Emilio: Hey, I told you this wouldn't be any better with me than with Chrissy. The skull devil finally dies and the three of them just lay there panting and groaning for a while. Chrissy: So...was it good for you guys too? [WHACK] Hey! You are skating on thin ice over there, Shiksa. Diandra: You didn't bring me beer. Emilio: If you girls are expecting me to be the adult here, we're all screwed. The remaining team continues past the valley, James now half- carrying Slimko. Hank reminds Colonel Kurtz that even though he is a lower military rank, he has WAY more experience in this hellhole and he knows there's a LOT more of those creatures where that one came from and they're entering their territory and this is stupid and they need to turn back. And even though the subtitles are barely readable, I can tell the idiot who put them in spelled "tout suite" phonetically as "toot sweet". Chrissy: Is it any wonder foreigners think Americans are stupid? Diandra: Oh, they don't wonder. They know. Packard says they're not doing that as long as Chapman is still out there. James, who probably should have mentioned this earlier, says yeah, um...that thing back there ate him. He holds up the dog tags to illustrate, although I'm not sure when he had time to grab them. Emilio: Must have done it in one of the scenes that was cut. Packard finally admits that he never gave a rip about Redneck, he just needed an excuse to get to the crash site. James asks what the hell is there that he wants to badly. Enough firepower to kill "it". James says wait...you're risking everybody's lives parading through the den of the monsters that killed Chapman just so you can get revenge on the monster that only attacked us because he thought we were a threat? Hank splutters that Packard can't just kill Kong. Brooks pipes up that the weirdo is right. The lizard things are the real threat and Kong is keeping them in check. "If you take away a species' natural competition they'll proliferate out of control." Packard, a true American with a shitty understanding of nature, insists they can take down those skull things too once they've taken out the monkey. Hank gives up and pulls his sword on Packard, announcing that he can't "let" him do this. Packard smacks the sword away with his rifle and jams the butt into Hank's chest, knocking him to the ground. "This is one war we are not gonna lose," he announces. The scientists scream that they're not at WAR and the colonel needs to listen to them before he does something really stupid. Listening to civilians not being a strong suit of military men, Packard waves his rifle at Brooks and yells that this stupid mission of theirs got his men killed. Mason steps in front of the gun and says HE is going to get the rest of them killed. James pulls her back like 'honey? Much as this turns me on, now is not the time to be a hero.' He offers to take the civilians back to the boat and wait while Packard goes ahead to the crash site. After a long minute, Packard lowers his gun and starts moving in the direction James pointed, taking his men with him. And Steve, for some reason. James helps Hank up. Hank insists they need to STOP that idiot. Mason snarks 'yeah, why don't you try talking to him again? Because you were SO CLOSE to getting through to him.' Emilio: Have I mentioned I love her? Diandra: Once or twice, yeah. Captain Obvious adds that Packard is "loosing his grip". Then adds that anyone who wants to get out of here alive should follow him. Chrissy: No, you have to do that with an Austrian accent. Diandra: Oh, hey, we found a way to work in another random reference. Packard and his team find Redneck Chapman's dear Billy letter pile still stabbed to the tree. They have a moment of silence and Packard tells Mills to get those letters back to his family. Elsewhere, James squats beside a pile of mushrooms and mutters that there's water nearby somewhere. Brooks is like 'dude...just admit that you're lost.' Something roars in the distance and the birds chirp frantically in the nearby trees. James tells the group to wait while he goes to high ground to figure out which direction the river is in. Mason is like 'fuck that' and starts marching after him. Hank sits on a log, cocks his gun and says "I'll be right here." When James and Mason are out of earshot, he tells the scientists to keep alert and watch for shit in the trees. Brooks asks what they should look for in the trees. Hank says ants. Because everything else is comically giant sized on this island, the ants are the size of normal birds. In fact, that's what was making those "bird" noises earlier. Emilio: Yes, this is definitely connected to an anomaly somehow. Dumping creatures from the giant everything period of Earth history. Chrissy: Anomaly? Diandra: I'll explain later. Packard and his team reach the crash site and Packard orders them to gather everything including the seismic charges. They wander over to stare at the weaponry warily, muttering that this is a bad idea. But since they are soldiers they will do what they are told no matter how stupid it is. At night they start setting a trap and dumping napalm into pools of water. Also at night, James and Mason reach the top of a cliff to find the river right in front of them. James concludes that the boat is just around that bend up ahead. Mason takes pictures. And then Kong comes through the mist right at eye level with them. Mason takes a few startled steps back and grabs James' hand. Kong just looks them both up and down and sniffs. So Mason changes course and steps over to place her hand on Kong's nose. Kong's eyes roll and his face twitches like 'what is it doing? Why is it touching me?!' He huffs and Mason's hair blows backward. She gasps and laughs a little, then staggers back into James (who appears to be doing an impression of a statue). Kong huffs and backs away too. And then there are explosions in the distance. Kong roars and starts lumbering in that direction. James comes online again, announces they need to go and starts back down the cliff. Packard is standing by the edge of a pond, torch in hand, as Kong appears on the other side among the charges he and his men set. Their eyes meet and they have another of those "mine is bigger" stares as Emilio so tactfully described it. Chrissy: Ha! Well, let's face it. Sam Jackson's is always bigger. Diandra: You're not helping. Chrissy: Since when am I here to help? Back with the "civilians". A twig snaps in the woods and Brooks swings his rifle wildly until James runs out and yells "don't shoot!" Emilio: How the hell did this guy survive Vietnam? Brooks asks which way they're going then. James says the three of THEM are going to the boat which should be directly behind where they're standing now. If he and Mason don't meet them by dawn, they should just go. Brooks is like 'okay, sure. It was nice knowing you. Bye!' Hank is like wait a minute, why are we splitting up now? James looks at Mason and announces that they're going to save Kong. Hank grins, says he's going with them then and dramatically sheaths his sword. Chrissy: I don't think you're supposed to be giggling this much. Diandra: Oh, shut up, you are too. Emilio: Understandable. It is SO cheesy. Chrissy: Let's just be honest here: none of us is doing this right now because we think this is a good movie. Diandra: No, we're here because it's a campy action movie full of in-joke potential. Chrissy: Oh, honey. Still in denial, are you? Diandra: If I was going to recap a movie just to drool over Tom Hiddleston, wouldn't I have picked one where he at least takes his shirt off? Emilio: She does have a point there. Also, she suggested it as an alternative when I said we should do a recap of "The Circle". Chrissy: Yikes. Yeah, this one is actually less awful. Good call, Dee. Kong crashes through the jungle into the water and glares at Packard. Then he does the universal sign for "I am the Alpha male. Fear me." He beats his chest and roars. Chrissy: Yeah, I've seen that before. The loudest ones usually have the most to compensate for. Diandra: [raises beer] Preach, sister! Emilio: [innocently] Oh, is that why Conrad was just standing there silently earlier? Diandra: [chokes on a mouthful of beer] Chrissy: Now I remember why I like you, Emilio. Diandra: [cough wheeze] Emilio: You're welcome. Diandra: I hate you both. Emilio: Hey, you were the one talking about giant snakes earlier. Kong splashes through the water toward Packard and once he is a few steps away Packard throws the torch on the napalm coated water. Kong roars as he's surrounded by fire and thrashes like he's in his death throws before going quiet. Packard grins. And then Kong lunges out of the flames, swipes some of them right onto a redshirt and steps on Steve. Then he wobbles and crashes to the ground, his face feet in front of Packard. Packard puffs his chest and spews a bad line about his men showing Kong who is really king on this planet. The men set charges and Packard readies a trigger. And this is when James and Mason show up and stand between Packard and the fallen Kong. James points a rifle at Packard's head and orders him to stand down. Hank holds two of the men at gun and sword point. Packard repeats the little 'but this thing attacked us and killed my men' song and dance. James is like 'yeah, it's called defending territory, dick.' Packard goes sailing past reason with a rant about how their duty as soldiers is to protect their countrymen back home who shouldn't have to even know monsters like this exist. James says he's lost his mind, which is always the best thing to say to a crazy person. He tells Packard to put the detonator down. Packard takes a few steps toward him cockily, powers up the detonator and puts his thumb on the button. Chrissy: ...in the universal sign for 'oh, yeah? Make me, pencil dick.' Mason yells at both of them to knock it off because "the world is bigger than this." Packard [actual line]: Bitch, please. Chrissy: Pfffftttttt. Women. Always trying to stop men from solving everything by blowing it up to prove who has the bigger brass ones. Emilio: Hey! Diandra: Are you pre or post op male, Emilio? Wait... never mind. Don't answer that. Either way, you didn't spend the majority of your life so far having an appendage between your legs that did 90% of your thinking for you. Emilio: Yeah, I guess that's true. Packard orders Slimko to get Mason out of the way. Slimko looks back and forth between Packard and Hank, who is holding him at gunpoint. Hank, seeing that he's not really on board with this, appeals to him. He knows what Packard is doing is wrong. Right? Everyone stares at each other over their weapons for a long several beats before Slimko turns his gun on Packard and orders him to put the detonator down. Packard reaches for his gun. James yells at him. And then everybody but Slimko and James slowly puts their weapons down. "It's over," James declares. In direct contradiction to him, a large circular area of the pool Kong just crossed burbles as if something under the surface of the water belched. Or farted. They all watch as an enormous skull devil bursts out in a plume of water. "That's the big one," Hank says probably unnecessarily. James, also unnecessarily, orders everyone to fall back. Everyone runs for the hills except Packard. James calls to him a couple times, then gives up and runs. The skull devil is still just making noise and not moving yet, but it is enough to wake up Kong. Packard holds up the detonator and says "die you motherfu-" getting cut off as Kong smashes him with his fist. Mason stops running and turns back to take pictures as the monsters go to face off. The skull crusher gets Kong pinned to the ground and then the view through her camera wobbles and she squawks as James abruptly wraps an arm around her waist, lifts her off the ground and keeps running away from the hellbeasts. Chrissy: Okay, you can get away with the Tarzan thing ONCE because...well, that was kind of hot...but we're going to have a talk about this later. It's now dawn and the two scientists are at the boat fretting over whether they should just leave like James told them to. James, Mason, Hank and the three remaining soldiers arrive at a body of water full of crashed ships. James declares it the "edge of the island" and orders Mason to go up on some nearby rocks and fire a flare. Hopefully the scientists at the boat will see it. They startle as there's some rustling and growling from the woods behind them. James says "we'll buy you time" and then when she runs off he runs everybody else right back toward the things they were just running from. Emilio: Seriously, how did this guy survive Vietnam? Chrissy: Seeing as it's an action movie I'm going to go with: he's too pretty to die. Diandra: I don't think that's a thing. Except they end up at another beach. James starts taking them right into the water. Cole hangs back, dropping his rifle on the ground. Mills notices he isn't with them and calls back to him. Cole is like 'nah, I just realized I'm not making it out of this movie alive so I might as well die heroically in an effort to stall that monster a little bit and save the rest of you.' He turns to face the approaching skull fucker and pulls the pins out of a couple grenades. Mills tries to run back and James has to grab him by a gear strap to stop him. Cole mutters "come on...come on, you son of a bitch". Except his sacrifice turns out to be for nothing because instead of trying to eat him the Big One just turns around, flicks its tail and sends Cole into the side of a cliff where the grenades and probably everything else he was carrying with him explode. We focus on Mills' face as he is dragged away, crying. And then I guess he recovers because everybody is running across an open clearing as the Big One chases them. James stops for some stupid reason just as Kong leaps in to smash the skull demon in the head with a rock. The humans all run clear as the monsters face off again. Big One grabs Kong by the throat and smashes him repeatedly into a cliff. Kong punches it and then tries to do the move he did in the Peter Jackson movie where he grabs the thing by the jaws and tries to break them open. It doesn't work here, so he just slams it headfirst into the cliff. It ducks as he tries to deliver a death blow and he roars as he ends up smashing his hand into rock. They return to wrestling in the water. Mason reaches the top of the rocks and fires the flare. Kong rips up an entire tree and holds it like a club. The Big One charges and gets a tree to the face. They go back to wrestling and Kong manages to get tangled in the chains of the wrecked ships. The skull demon stands over him, gloating. And then somehow the scientists are there with the ship and Brooks is firing at the skull devil with the machine gun. James and the rest of the men are about halfway between the fighting hellbeasts and the boat. They clamber onto it just as the skull demon decides this new opponent is more interesting than Kong and starts for them. Aaaaaaaand that's when Brooks runs out of bullets. Hank shoves him aside to reload. Kong manages to break free of most of the chains and roars at the skull demon. Mason loads another flare and shoots the skull demon in the side of the head. Chrissy: Okay, I officially don't know where everybody is anymore. Diandra: Pretty sure it doesn't matter. This movie is just a bunch of action sequences strung together with the barest hint of a plot. Emilio: Isn't that true of all action movies? Diandra: Most of them, yeah. The skull crusher wails as the flare explodes and paws at the side of its head. Hank gets the gun working again and starts shooting. And then James gets the brilliant idea to jump down and start running across the open like 'come get me!' Chrissy: And again...thanks, Tom. That was...something. Diandra: Yeah, I really don't know what he's doing anymore. Emilio: Playing the damsel in distress who does stupid things to get into dangerous situations he needs to be rescued from? Lucky for him, Kong realizes one of the chains still wrapped around him is attached to a propeller, which he can use as a weapon. He slings it and one of the blades drives into the skull devil's side, knocking it over. He drags it toward him like he's reeling in a fish and everybody just kind of stares stupidly. More fighting. And then Kong flings the skull demon into the side of the cliff Mason was on top of, sending her flying into the water below. James screams uselessly. Kong looks at where she just was worriedly before he is distracted by the skull devil attacking again. They continue their epic battle that practically has "for your consideration: special effects" stamped across it until Kong clocks the Big One with the propeller again and it falls and stops moving. Mason is sinking through the water, apparently unconscious, when Kong's giant hand scoops her out. He makes 'awww' faces at her. And then the Big One springs to life and attacks him again, getting a long lizard tongue wrapped around the hand holding Mason and swallowing his fist. Chrissy: Dude, you should have said you were into fisting before we started this. Diandra: Ew. Kong struggles and then rips his arm out of the skull fucker's mouth, taking its entire digestive system with him. Emilio: Okay, I know I offered to take over for you if this got too icky, but I think I might need to throw up first. Diandra: Yeah, that's okay, I...urk...I'm fine. Kong tosses the limp remains of the Big One aside and opens his hand to reveal a still somehow entirely unharmed Mason. He sets her down gently on land and James runs over to her, picking up her discarded camera along the way. Chrissy [sarcastically]: Oh, yeah. My hero. Diandra: Well, at least he's pretty, right? Chrissy: Oh, yeah. He has a face you could sit on. Diandra: ................... Emilio: Well, YOU could. Diandra: Don't encourage her, Emilio. Mason wakes up coughing and probably wondering why she smells like the inside of a dumpster. She looks at Kong striding away, a tear falling down her cheek, and then falls onto James. And then the eight survivors of this shitty mission are on the boat heading for the rendezvous point. Mills asks what the other two soldiers think about Key West. They manage to restrain themselves from killing him on the spot. James rambles about how this place is bound to change soon once word gets out about it. Mason says yeah, I'm not telling anybody about this shithole. She takes a picture of Hank, looking at a picture of his wife and singing "We'll Meet Again" quietly. Hank's singing morphs into the actual official song as they sail toward the arriving helicopters in the distance. And we end by panning back to Kong, who puffs himself up, pounds on his chest and roars. Oh, wait no. One more scene. We get a little super 8 film of Hank getting out of a Chicago cab, dressed in full uniform and holding a bouquet of flowers. He goes up to a suburban house and rings the doorbell. A thirty something guy opens the door. The woman from the picture comes up behind him and drops the tray of drinks she was holding. The credits start rolling over their tearful reunion. Because I guess she did actually wait thirty-some years for him to come back. Only in the movies. And then after the last of the credits leave the screen, Tom Hiddleston's voice booms "you just going to sit there? In the dark?" When I saw this movie in the theater, I was making my way toward the door at this point and I actually jumped and looked around me like 'who the fuck said that?!' Chrissy: You'd think Marvel would have gotten you used to this by now. Diandra: Yeah, well...despite the casting it isn't actually Marvel, so I wasn't expecting it. "You're enjoying this, right," he adds. The picture comes back up and he appears to be talking to himself, hopefully in a mirror. Chrissy: What do you mean "hopefully"? Like him having an identical twin would be a bad thing? Emilio: Well, it might be because one of them would probably be evil. Chrissy: Yeah, I'm still not seeing the downside here. The camera flips around to show James in an interrogation room, talking to a one-way mirror, Mason sitting at a table behind him. He sighs and says he promises not to tell the Russians. Mason is like fuck that, I'LL tell them. James is like 'fine. I'm not stopping her.' He slumps into the chair next to her and throws a pencil at the mirror, demanding to know why they are being kept here. "We get it. There was no island. We were never on an island." The door opens and Brooks stumbles in and asks what island he's talking about. Chrissy: Oh, the one we all hallucinated going to as part of a government experiment. Emilio: Is that...is that how Lost is going to end? Diandra: No. But it was a better theory than "the island is purgatory". Chrissy: Might have been a better ending than what really happened too. James asks what the hell is going on here. Brooks is like 'the two of you are now part of Monarch. Congratulations.' He and Miss Sam sit at the table and start flipping through a folder as he says Skull Island was just the beginning. There's a whole lot more shit where that came from. He recites a variation on Randa's line from earlier: "This world never belonged to us. It belonged to them. The question is how long before they take it back?" A video starts on the far wall with images of other monstrous skeletons and then we end on a roar that might belong to Godzilla. Emilio: Gorilla Whale! Chrissy: ..........what? Diandra: It was before you came in. I'll explain later. Chrissy: Oh, good. You can also explain why you didn't invite me in the first place. Emilio: So back to the movie...can we all just agree that that was pretty dumb? Diandra: Well, yeah, but it kind of had the right idea in terms of subverting the original King Kong story and for once the "beauty" wasn't a useless twit. Chrissy: Yes, he kind of was. Diandra: Yeah, I walked right into that. Apparently there was a good hour cut from this movie, so maybe the original version made more sense. Emilio: Or it just featured even MORE special effects scenes of monsters trying to kill each other. Diandra: Or that. Chrissy: So can we go back to the discussion about Emilio joining us for our MCU recaps? Emilio: Yeah, we talked earlier about how she should invite me more often. Which movie are you on now? Chrissy: "Doctor Strange". Emilio: Oh, awesome. It'll be like doing "Sherlock" with you girls all over again. Diandra: Yeah, except it might actually be fun. Chrissy: Hey, we did our best. Emilio: How is that Doctor Strange fic coming, by the way? Diandra: Don't you start.