"Only Lovers Left Alive" Starring: Loki, The White Witch, Chekov, Alice in Wonderland, Bernard/Arnold and an appearance by the War Doctor. A few months ago, Emilio Taylor and I got drunk and had a running Twitter conversation about gorilla penises based on some trivia I remembered reading long ago. Not long after that, when he tried to convince me we should recap "The Circle", I offered to do "Kong: Skull Island" instead. Without Chrissy. Chrissy: That's where you made your mistake. Halfway through, Emilio texted Chrissy and she showed up with beer - for him - and insisted that I do another non-MCU Tom Hiddleston movie with her to make up for not inviting her to that one. I offered to let my Twitter followers decide which one we would do. I figured I would only get maybe two responses. Somehow, I got eleven votes, with this one the clear winner and "she can wait until Ragnarok" in second place. Chrissy: You couldn't have put The Night Manager as an option instead of that? Diandra: It honestly didn't occur to me to consider that one. Chrissy: Hero Spy Loki and Evil Doctor House? Seriously? Diandra: Yeah, I'm regretting it now too. Chrissy: Just now? Anyway. I'm thinking there's a distinct possibility this will put us to sleep, but I could be wrong. So here goes nothing. Appropriately, given the context we are entering this recap into, we begin on a record player playing what sounds like a damaged record from the Vietnam War era. Tilda Swinton, wearing what looks like a very nice bathrobe, is crashed at what looks like the foot of a bed. The camera looks down on her from the ceiling and starts spinning like the director is trying to recreate a psychedelic music video. Abruptly, it switches to Tom Hiddleston mid-spin. He is crashed on a couch, clutching a guitar and wearing...uh...pants. Black leather pants. And eye liner. Chrissy: Okay, this is already worth it. And that's not a guitar, it's a lute. Diandra: How do you recognize a lute so easily? Chrissy: I was looking at pictures after reading Matt Haig's "How to Stop Time". Diandra: Isn't that the one Benedict Cumberbatch is supposedly making into a movie? Chrissy: Yep. So if you were looking for yet another opportunity to do a crossover between one of his characters and one of Tom Hiddleston's... here you go. Diandra: Well, first of all, that's assuming he actually makes it all the way through production and it doesn't turn into another "Crimson Peak". And second, somebody already cast Benedict in a fanfic for this movie, much like I cast Tom as a character in my Sherlock story. Benedict plays a priest. Chrissy: Okay, I want to read that. And then I want you to write a Tom Hazard/Adam story anyway. The singer wails about going deep into the tunnel of love... Chrissy: [snort] Diandra: Yes, we get the allusion. ...and we just switch back and forth between them for a while until the audience feels dizzy. Tilda gets up and Tom looks at a screen showing security camera footage of somebody getting out of a car on the street outside. He puts the lute down and goes to the window. The guy outside - totally in shadow - rings the doorbell, waves and goes to get a couple instrument cases out of the trunk of the car. Meanwhile, Tilda is looking down at a street where some vendor is playing middle eastern music. Because no, they are not in the same location. Psych. Chrissy: This can't even be happening at the same time if it's night where they both are. Diandra: You could at least pretend you don't already know he's in the United States. Chrissy: Nah. Tom greets Anton Yelchin (may he rest in peace) at the door and they establish each other's names, which are Adam and Ian, respectively. Adam ignores Ian's questions about how he is doing and asks if the guitars Ian brought are the "supros". Ian gushes about how awesome they are and how difficult they are to find as Adam helps him carry them in. Then he belatedly asks if he should have taken his shoes off because he thinks he stepped in mud. Adam grumbles that it doesn't matter. Adam admires the contents of the first case - an electric guitar from the 50s - tunes it a little and plays a note. "I shall call him William Lawes," he declares. Ian's like 'what? The guitar is male? Don't guy's usually give them female names?' Adam says THIS one is a dude. Ian asks who William Lawes is. Adam says he was just some 17th century Englishman. Chrissy: That I totally fucked. Diandra: I was wondering how long it would take you to jump in there. Chrissy: I was waiting for YOU to say something about him giving a male name to the thing he was admiring and fondling. Adam says William wrote some really great funeral music. Chrissy: We get it. You were Goth before it was cool. He was shot by a Parlimentarian during the English civil war. Ian is like 'man, that really sucks, dude.' Chrissy: Yeah, so did he. Diandra: Like, a lot. Which is why I'm naming the thing that's going to be spending a lot of time in my lap after him. Chrissy: There you go, knock the training wheels off. Ian redirects him to another case, which contains a pretty sparkly blue guitar that Adam says is from 1960 Sweden. He flips it over to show the back is pretty and sparkly too, but it's white. He identifies it as "mother of toilet seat", which makes Ian giggle. The third guitar is a somewhat plainer black and white from the 60s and has the amp built right into the case, which...I mean, it's portable, but I wouldn't think that would be a very powerful sound. The final guitar is brown and Adam gushes as he tries it out, saying he once saw Eddie Cochran play one just like it. Ian says wait...how could you have seen Eddie Cochran play? Adam blinks, remembers he hasn't told this kid how old he really is, and says he saw it on YouTube. Ian is dumb enough to buy the blatant lie, which is probably how Adam is able to maintain this friendship. Tilda...can I just start calling her Eve already?...goes walking through the streets with a scarf wrapped around her face, but her hair only partly covered. Which...I'm pretty sure is wrong. A couple guys proposition her in English, presumably because any woman who shows her hair like that must be a prostitute. Or because white women are easy. Back with Adam, Ian is expositing that Adam has refused to do live performances because he wants to remain anonymous, but being so reclusive is probably only going to make people even MORE curious about him and his music. Adam is like 'yeah, that sucks' and starts plucking sullenly at the guitar on his lap. Then he has a thought and sets the guitar aside, turning to face Ian. He says he's thought of something Ian can do for him. He needs a bullet. Ian asks what happened to the box of shells he already got him with that .38 caliber last year. Adam is like 'um...yeah...unrelated, but the new bullet needs to be .38 caliber and made of wood'. Ian is like 'um...' Adam says it can't be just any wood: it has to be very hard and very dense. Chrissy: And if possible, treated with garlic oil and blessed with holy water. He suggests a few breeds of wood, reciting their Latin names. Ian is like 'uh...could you repeat those names again? Also, why?' Adam gets blatantly shifty as he says it's for a...project. He pulls out a wad of twenties and hands it to Ian before belatedly adding that the shell casings should, of course, be brass as normal. Ian asks if he just wants one of them. Adam is like 'yeah, I only need the one, hopefully. I mean...it's for an art project.' Ian is like yeah, sure buddy. Also, if you need any other weird shit, this guy I know is having a warehouse sale...guitar parts, of course. Adam is like 'nope, I'm good. Bye!' Ian asks if he can use the bathroom before he leaves. Adam says it's "still out of order". Ian boggles and offers to get somebody to fix it. Adam is like NO! It's fine! Really! He's going to fix it himself. "Please feel free to piss in the garden." Chrissy: If you have to do more than piss, just...bury it. Back with Eve. She goes into a café and sits at a table staring at men smoking (both cigarettes and a hookah) and playing games (cards and chess). A man with a dishtowel on his shoulder - who she calls Bilal - comes out to sit with her, kissing her cheeks and speaking unsubtitled Arabic. She responds to whatever greeting that obviously was, then switches to English to ask how "he" is. He says his "teacher" is frail but still has a strong spirit. Eve says he's in good hands. Bilal says he's "family" and he protects "his secrets". And hers. Which we will get to explaining soon, I'm sure. Back with Adam, he is exiting his house dressed in doctor's scrubs. Coyotes howl in the distance. I love how coyotes in the movies always howl totally at random and always at night to broadcast their presence to the humans instead of...say...in the middle of the day when an ambulance passes with the sirens wailing like every other canine. Chrissy: Speaking from experience, obviously. Diandra: Yeah, now is when you should probably realize where he is. He kind of looks back at them as he's going out to his car like 'at least they are coyotes and not wolves'. He drives through the post-apocalyptic wasteland of a former city - easily recognizable as basically anywhere in Michigan - and arrives at a hospital. He goes through hallways with a surgical mask over his face and everyone kind of looks at him like 'oooooookay. Sure. That's normal.' John Hurt (may he rest in peace) arrives at Eve's café on crutches. He greets her as his mistress and kisses Bilal on the cheek. He plops two pharmacy bags on the chair Bilal just vacated. Eve notes that they only have an hour before sunrise, then asks if that bag contains the "really good stuff from the French doctor." He says yes, it is. And then she asks how "Christopher Marlowe" is doing today. He chastises her for using his name in public. She scoffs and rambles about the "most outrageously delicious literary scandal in history." He says that was four hundred years ago. She says yeah, and he's been wearing that weskit ever since. He says it was GIVEN to him in 1586 and it happens to be his favorite article of clothing. She asks if they're EVER going to "let the cat out of the bag". Can't they at least drop a few hints every century or so? "It would cause such thrilling chaos." Chrissy: Yes, because NOBODY suspects that Shakespeare didn't really write all of his plays. Diandra: Just like everyone is perfectly content with the knowledge that Oswald and Oswald alone planned and executed JFKs assassination. Christopher thinks the world has plenty chaos at the moment. And it will likely only get worse in the coming years. She pouts, grabs one of the pharmacy bags and kisses his cheek on the way out. Adam is now wearing sunglasses as well as the face mask because that's not suspicious AT ALL. He goes into a lab where Jeffrey Wright is working on some blood samples, his back to the door. He stands behind him for a while until Jeffrey senses somebody else in the room and nearly jumps out of his skin. Once Jeffrey gets his blood pressure back down to a normal level, he says he's actually been expecting Adam...er...Doctor Faust, apparently, according to the name on his coat. "It's good to see you again, Doctor Watson," Adam says behind his face mask, reading the tag on Jeffrey's coat. Chrissy: Okay, yes, you definitely need to do that crossover. Diandra: With Sherlock? Chrissy: Not necessarily. Tom Hazard has to keep changing identities, so Sherlock could have been one and he just never came back from "dying" after Reichenbach. Diandra: And when Adam mentions having to visit "Doctor Watson" it makes him angsty? Chrissy: Yeah! You're getting it! Seriously, you should write this story. Diandra: I feel like you're taking it for granted that the plot bunnies you come up with in recaps end up as fics. Except for that one about the sadistic Baron who... Chrissy: Oh, dear god, no. Not that again! Adam pulls out another wad of cash and Watson snatches it, shoving it in his pocket before noting that this method of transaction is "a bit unnerving". He asks if Adam would ever consider meeting OUTSIDE the hospital. Or, you know, at least not sneaking up on him with no warning like some sort of ghoul. Adam says nah, that would need to be arranged ahead of time. Watson is like 'yeah...and?' Adam is perfectly happy with the mutual risk involved in him coming right to the hospital whenever he feels like it. He plops a bag on the chair Watson vacated and opens it. Watson is like 'yeah, fine. Whatever "Doctor Strangelove".' Chrissy: How do you know about me and Stephen?! Diandra: Wait...okay, we can incorporate other characters they've played into this little headcannon, but there are limits. Chrissy: He can't just happen to look like Loki? Didn't you say something in another recap about an Emo Goth phase? Diandra: I'm not sure which question you want me to answer there. Chrissy: You're a fanfiction writer who attempted - and for some reason abandoned - a story about all the characters from "Sherlock" basically being X-Men back in the late 1700s. I know you can do suspension of disbelief. Doctor Watson pulls some canisters from the fridge, saying they are Type-O Negative as he loads them in the bag. Then he notes that the stethoscope around Adam's neck is "for all intents and purposes an antique" because it's from the 70s. Chrissy: Yes, that's the last time I was a doctor. I lived in a high rise where everybody went Lord of the Flies. Diandra: Yeah, that...that one's fine. I think. I still haven't seen it. Chrissy: Maybe we should recap that one next. Diandra: I thought this one made us even! Chrissy: You're saying you would object to doing another one of Tom's movies? Diandra: ...................no. Chrissy: And then we're doing Night Manager. Diandra: We do have to get back to the MCU eventually, you know. Chrissy: Yeah, but now that I've seen "Infinity War" I'm not really in a hurry to get to that. Adam just says 'oh, really?' and runs off. Watson sits down, looks over his shoulder nervously one more time, and grumbles that that guy has to be from Cleveland or something. As he's winding back through the hospital - minus the sunglasses because plot convenience - Adam lingers at the doorway of an emergency room where a doctor is removing a bandage from a woman's leg. She is bleeding a disturbingly large puddle, which he stares at longingly before probably reminding himself that he has a whole bag full in his hand if he can WAIT. So in case you're still not getting this...Eve arrives home and takes the bottles of thick, red liquid out of the bag. We intercut between her, Christopher Marlowe and Adam (back at his house in his bathrobe), pouring blood into tiny cordial glasses. Adam and Eve finger beads around her wrist and his neck. They all drink and make orgasm faces, their mouths open to reveal fangs. Chrissy: And if you were looking for the visual to go with that Parlimentarian story from earlier...here you go. Diandra: Oh, I thought I was supposed to be picturing some character of Benedict's. Chrissy: Who says the Parlimentarian didn't look like him? Diandra: Uh, the fact that he died. Chrissy: Did he? Well, then maybe it was just a coincidence and the resemblance is what drew Adam to Tom Hazard in the first place. Diandra: This might be getting too complicated already. Chrissy: Oh, shut up and just go with it. Diandra: I feel like nothing good ever comes from you saying those words... Sometime later, Eve is crashed in her bed. She picks up her product placed iPhone and calls Adam, who hasn't moved at all. He puts down the empty glass and grabs the cordless phone from under the table. Because he's not big on new technologies. She greets him with "hi, darling." He visibly melts a little and says he wants to see her. She turns her phone to video mode and teases him for scrabbling around with wires and shit while he does something to connect the phone to the television via his laptop or something. He smiles at her lovingly. She asks what's wrong because he looks tired. Chrissy: Well, nice to see you too. She asks if he has any "supply problems". He says no. She keeps prompting him, saying he can tell his wife what the problem is. He grumbles that it's the "zombies". And no, it's not what you think. That's how they refer to humans. He rambles about how they treat the world and the sand being at the bottom of the hour glass and I am suddenly disturbed by how much I relate to this guy. Eve just says that means it's time to turn the hourglass over. Then she calls him her "liege lord" and reminds him that they've done this all before in the Middle Ages and he missed "all the fun". Uh...as did literally everybody else. Then again, she defines "fun" as all those things that were killing people like floods and plagues and witch trials. They go quiet for a minute and she asks how he's doing with his music. He plucks sullenly at a guitar and says he's writing a lot of funeral music. She sighs and asks "why don't you just come over here and kiss me?" Chrissy: If he had a dollar for every woman who said that to him... Diandra: ...it would go right into restraining orders. She reminds him that he used to love Tangiers. He just sulks again. She sighs and says fine, she'll come to him. "But I can't believe you're doing this to me again" because travelling is such a bitch for nocturnal creatures like them. He says he loves her and she kisses the screen. And then we have a little interlude of him playing instruments in his makeshift studio and her dancing around her bedroom for no particular reason. Chrissy: So how are your fics coming along? Diandra: Bored already? Chrissy: No, I just figured I could make conversation as long as nothing is really going on in the movie right now. Diandra: You're just looking for spoilers. Chrissy: Probably. Adam is interrupted by the doorbell ringing. He peeks through the curtains at a group of guys hovering around a car, gesturing back at the place. The car drives away and he wanders over and pulls a violin off the wall, sniffing at it. Chrissy: Still smells like cigarettes and leather. Diandra: What? Chrissy: Too subtle? I'm trying to imply he got it from Tom Hazard when he was playing Sherlock. He plays a little bit of a classical piece, his fingers fluttering impressively up and down the neck of the violin. Chrissy: Ahem. Diandra: Yes, I know. Sploosh. Eve calls an airline to make reservations for two night flights with a stopover in Paris under the name Fibonacci. Then she pulls a couple books from a haphazardly stacked library lining a flight of stairs and we get a little montage of her speed reading in multiple languages and piling suitcases full of books. Chrissy: Huh. She prioritizes like you do. Books first, then maybe think about clothes. Back in Michigan, Ian rings Adam's doorbell and waves at the window he checks from so he'll actually open the door. Ian says he wanted to come right away because he has "that thing for you". Yes, we all know about your homoerotic...oh, you meant the bullet. He hands a little cloth bag to Adam, who dumps the bullet out in his palm. Ian says the wood is cocobolo, which was one of the Latin species Adam listed, which is apparently so dense it actually sinks in water. He says the guy who made it didn't even ask any questions. Adam shoves it in his pocket and says "you know for a zombie you're all right." Ian is like 'uh.......thanks?' Chrissy: A bit dim though. Diandra: Only a bit? Adam invites Ian to sit and pulls out another wad of twenties. Ian protests that he paid him plenty last time and bought him his car and... Adam shoves the money at him and he relents and offers to get him anything else he wants. A kidney. His first born. Adam says actually, there were some kids ringing his doorbell last night. Ian splutters that anyone was able to find him out here where NOBODY lives and offers to spread some rumors about him living somewhere else to get people off his back. Adam says whatever, just...take care of it. Chrissy: I really don't want to pack up all this shit and move AGAIN because I was forced to eat somebody. Adam vaguely says he has something he needs to do and he'll see Ian later. You know, unless that "art project" actually works and Ian finds a pile of ash with a wooden bullet in it sitting next to a gun next time he stops by. Back in Tunisia, Christopher Marlowe - on crutches - accompanies Eve to some docks. He says he had a dream about her little sister last night. "You had a dream about Ava," she asks by way of exposition. He stares into space, unresponsive for a second like John Hurt forgot his line or something until she nudges him. He apologizes that he was just thinking about Italy a few hundred years ago. Eve asks if he was "painfully good- looking". Marlowe stares into space for a beat again and finally says "what?" He finally remembers what he meant to say and urges her to be careful because he couldn't bear it if something happened to her. He grumbles that he doesn't understand why they don't just live in the same place "because you can't live without each other" and ends with asking her to give his regards to the "suicidally romantic" goth boy. She sighs and says she blames Shelley and Byron and "those French assholes he used to hang around with". Chrissy: Especially that one that aged really slowly. Diandra: We're just going to keep circling back to that, aren't we? Chrissy: Duh. Marlowe says he wishes he'd met Adam BEFORE he wrote "Hamlet" because he would have been the perfect model for that character. Chrissy: In fact, he could do a stage production. Diandra: We might be getting too meta now. Chrissy: Oh, quit overthinking everything and just GO with it! Diandra: And I don't think anything good has ever come from you saying those words either. In Michigan, Adam sits on his bed with an empty gun in one hand and the wooden bullet in the other, staring at his wall of portraits of famous people throughout history that he probably knew. He loads the gun, presses the barrel to his chest in the general vicinity of his heart and makes an exploding noise with his mouth. On a plane, Eve is reading one of Shakespeare...sorry, MARLOWE's love poems in voice over and sighing. A guy across the aisle cuts himself trying to open his can of juice and she watches him mop up the ridiculous amount of blood and put on a band aid and struggles to keep her composure. Chrissy: Ever notice how easily people bleed in vampire stories versus literally anything else including real life? Diandra: As in a slight prick with a needle somehow causes a whole geyser of blood? No, not really. A stewardess with a thick French accent announces that they are landing in Detroit. A cab drops her in front of Adam's house and he peeks at her through the curtain. He comes outside to greet her - actually wearing a shirt now for some reason - and they have a little simulated sex right on the front stoop. Then he carries her bags in, escorts her over the threshold with a formal "my lady" and removes her white gloves, tossing them on a pair of black ones by the door. And then, presumably, they fuck. And we switch to them both crashed on the couch, her head in his lap and I am convinced that this director has an obsession with her legs and his chest because he's giving both as much exposure as possible so far. She has blood on the corner of her mouth, so I guess he offered her a drink. "I love what you've done with the place," she says. Recognizing the blatant sarcasm, he covers her face with one of his really big hands. She moves it to her chest and strokes the back of it while she talks about how his new music reminds her of that string quintet he gave Schubert, which the jerk promptly passed off as his own. Adam says he told him to do that and he only gave him the adagio anyway, so... He just wanted to get it OUT THERE somehow. She asks if that's why he's doing this new music. He rambles about reflections and trying to "see if it would echo back before..." he trails off and she realizes what he means by "before". Apparently this isn't the first time he's gotten depressed and threatened to kill himself. She sighs that he always uses the zombies as a convenient excuse when he's depressed and he forgets about his heroes. What about his precious scientists? He reminds her that the idiot zombies have a long history of killing and imprisoning them. "And they're STILL bitching about Darwin." He keeps grumbling about how the humans have ruined everything including the water and their own blood. Eve says oh, well, if we're discussing all the horrible things the zombies have done since they climbed out of the trees we'll still be at it when the sun comes up. He says the sun IS coming up, actually. Then he sighs and bafflingly offers to tell her about "spooky action at a distance". Which might be his nickname for Einstein's theory of entanglement. She smiles and dreamily says she loves how he tells that one... Chrissy: Yeah, I'd think he could tell literally any story and it would have the effect of foreplay. Diandra: Doesn't even have to be a "story". It could be a user manual. She's mostly asleep already when he asks if she can tell how old the guitar next to him is. He places her hand on it and she dreamily says "she's a pretty one." Chrissy: He. Diandra: Is that the one he named after the Parlimentarian? Chrissy: I don't know. She says it's from 1905 and notes that his dressing gown is at least a century older than that. And then we get an artistic shot of them curled naked on the bed together. Chrissy: Deep Blue Sea. That's another one you forgot to make an option. Diandra: Oh, come on, I'm not recapping an entire movie for one scene! And then the next night...I guess...they go for a drive. Eve looks at the miserable landscape and notes that this is Adam's idea of "wilderness". He says well, Detroit is pretty quiet since everybody left. They drive past a plant that used to produce cars before the whole American car industry collapsed. She is optimistic that the place will "rise" again. Yeah, the south has been saying the same thing for a century and a half. She says there's water here and when the southern cities start burning, places like this will flourish. Well, that's ominous. Adam asks if she wants to see the Motown museum. She shrugs and says she's more of a "Stax" girl. Chrissy: I want a divorce. Diandra: Shhh... After a pause he realizes that there is something he can show her. Chrissy: Didn't you already do that back at the house? Diandra: You just have one setting, don't you? He pulls up in front of Jack White's childhood home and she gushes about how much she loves Jack White. Chrissy: Who is Jack White? Diandra: Not a clue. He takes her to the Michigan theater next: an ornate building from the 1920s that is basically derelict. He plays tour guide, rambling about how it was built on the site where Henry Ford built his first prototype and was used for concerts and movies and now they use what's left of it as a car park. And we're back at the house and they're playing chess. He's playing the black pieces because of course he is. She announces that she's taking his queen and oh, yeah, his hero Christopher Marlowe sends his love. He grumbles again that he doesn't have heroes and she can stop trying to distract him. Chrissy: If she was really trying to distract you, she wouldn't have just crossed her legs AWAY from you. She ignores him and asks if he played chess with Byron and what was he like? Adam groans and says he was a pompous ass. Eve finds that unsurprising and moves on to Mary Shelley. What was she like? "Delicious," he says. Eve chuckles and fails to bemoan the fact that Adam never offered to share her and suggestive dialogue is suggestive. Eve suddenly remembers an "experiment" she put in the freezer...which she had to plug in because what does he need a fridge for? She hands him a popsicle made of blood and commences sucking on her own. Adam sniffs at it, sucks delicately at the tip and I lose complete track of anything I was going to say. Chrissy: And suddenly a bunch of guys are questioning their sexuality. Diandra: I think it's safe to say the Parlimentarian wasn't the only one who knew how to suck. Eve moves a piece, declares checkmate and pats him on the head on her way out of the room. He grumbles that it was all that TALKING she was doing. Chrissy: That and the popsicle licking reminding him of other things. Diandra: The popsicle licking she was doing or the way he was fellating his just now? Chrissy: Both. Sometime later, Adam puts on a record, which he says is "Charlie Feathers". This twangy song starts playing and she identifies it as being "Can't Hardly Stand It" from 1956. And then the lights go out and the record player wobbles to a stop. Eve follows him out to the garden to check the fuses. He grumbles about the grid being antiquated "zombie shit". She notes that it isn't connected. He says yeah, he disconnected it and opens a panel in the ground that has what looks like a steampunk generator inside it. He says he cobbled it together from whatever he could scavenge and she coos about how brilliant he is. He says something about recalibrating the charge and starts futzing with it. The generator starts humming. Eve gets distracted and wanders over to look at some mushrooms. She asks if he's noticed these things growing out of season. He says yes, they keep appearing and disappearing, which he takes to mean that they don't really understand how fungi work or any other life on the planet for that matter. The next night, apparently, she's laying in bed and he's in his doctor outfit again, listening to her heartbeat. She is just waking up and asks if they're "playing doctors" now. Chrissy: Ahem. Well...he is. Now open your mouth and say "ah". He says he has to run out for an hour or so. Without her. She grabs the stethoscope and dates them as being from 1968, noting he could use a newer pair. She asks if he's used it on anyone. Chrissy: Ah, no. No one else. The speculum though... Diandra: Oh, ew. Stop. Chrissy: What? As long as we're going down this road anyway... He just stares at her, so she asks him what's wrong. He says he had a dream about her sister. She notes it must not have been good. He says he guesses it could have been worse. Then he kisses her forehead and slinks off. She pulls a picture of them that is clearly from the very early days of photography from the bedside table. But to make sure the audience gets it, she announces the date it was taken out loud. "June 23, 1868. Our third wedding." She goes to look at his wall of photos, which is equal parts scientists, writers and musicians. And Rodney Dangerfield for some reason. She locates the print of a painting of Marlowe, then stumbles on the gun he apparently just left on the floor. She pops the bullet out and identifies the wood it was made out of and the fact that it was done recently. Watson finishes putting the fresh thermoses of blood in Adam's bag and gets right up into his face like he's trying to see through the sunglasses. "You're looking awfully pale there, Doctor Caligari," he says. He suggests he get more sunlight to avoid Vitamin D deficiency. Chrissy: And I recommend talking less to avoid exsanguination. Diandra: Nah, he can't cut off his supply. He'd have to start over. Adam just backs away from him silently and he pockets the new wad of money. The coyotes are howling as he pulls back in front of the house. He tosses his lab coat and face mask on a chair as he enters and waves the bag of fresh blood at her. She's like 'yeah, that's nice...wanna explain this gun I found?' He stares at it like '..........fuck.' She expresses the sincere hope that this just means he's having problems with one of the "others". He says uh...no. She loads the gun and points it at her chest. He goes to grab it and she yanks it out of his reach, both of them moving at accelerated vampire speed. He reaches again and successfully snatches it from her, snapping at her to not "fuck around" like that again. Chrissy: Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were the only one allowed to be a drama queen around here. He whines about how SICK he is of the zombies and their fears like that justifies nearly killing himself WHILE SHE WAS ON HER WAY TO SEE HIM. She's like 'you really want to talk about fear right now?' He slumps into a chair. She sighs and asks how he could possibly have lived for so long and STILL NOT GET IT. "This self-obsession...it's a waste of living that could be spent on surviving things, appreciating nature, nurturing kindness and friendship." Chrissy: Fucking... Diandra: Hello, one track mind. She goes to change the record on the player to an old R&B song and dances over to him, dragging him with her. They dance for a while and then we just transition to them in the car again. She notes that the moon is full. Yeah, definitely want to watch out for wolves. Chrissy: Or not because what self respecting wolf would still be surprised by something that happens once a month? That's like a woman being surprised by her period. Actually, less likely because the full moon happens on a definite schedule and if you skip one one month and have two the next month you will know well in advance that it's going to happen. Unlike periods, which can fluctuate at random in both time and severity. Diandra: I...seem to have touched a nerve. Chrissy: Sorry. Eve starts rambling about a "diamond up there the size of a planet" that "emits the music of a gigantic gong". Up there in very general terms since I think it's a few thousand light years from Earth. Or...50 apparently because I guess there are several diamond planets. This one is - I am not kidding - nicknamed "Lucy" because...you know...Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds. And I'm not sure what sort of gongs she's listening to that sound like warbling space noises ripped from the soundtrack of an episode of Star Trek. (Maybe the writer watched the same video I did and got it confused with the star in Hercules). Adam is like 'uh-huh...that's nice, dear.' They keep driving in silence and she starts a new conversation with "I have to tell you something..." Chrissy: Please don't be pregnant. Can vampires get pregnant? Diandra: Only in the Twilight universe, I think. No, wait...she was human at the time. Never mind. Chrissy: Should I find it disturbing that you remember stuff like that from those books? Diandra: You should probably be more disturbed that that Sherlock AU I abandoned that you were describing earlier had a lot of parallels to "Breaking Dawn". She says she also had a dream about her sister and so did Marlowe. Which apparently means Ava is looking for them because that's how vampire senses work. "Shouldn't she be sleeping in a fucking coffin somewhere," Adam grumbles. "Preferably with a wooden stake shoved in?" Eve gives him a look and reminds him that she's her SISTER. As in they are actual blood relatives. Chrissy: And your point is? They get back to the house after apparently just circling the city for no reason and hear music playing upstairs. Also, the lights are on. Adam picks up a weapon that looks like a cross between a baseball bat and a scepter. Chrissy: Or a really wicked sex toy. Diandra: No. No, it doesn't. Does EVERYTHING have to be a sex toy to you? Chrissy: Is that rhetorical? Diandra: Something that comically large could only be a sex toy for a giant. Otherwise it's probably a torture instrument. Chrissy: A giant, huh? Or maybe...a Titan? Diandra: Oh, dear god, I see where you're going. MOVING ON. Eve realizes that the music playing is one of Adam's compositions. They creep up the stairs and find Mia Wasikowska sprawled on a couch, wearing a fur coat and high heels like she fell through a wormhole from a party in the 20s. Or 50s maybe given the design on the dress. Eve identifies her as Ava. Adam just wants to know what she's doing in his house. Ava burbles about how great it is to see them and hugs Adam while he does an impression of a pissed off statue. She coos about how "beautiful" he still is and tries to prompt him to take off her gloves like Eve did several scenes ago. He rolls his eyes and walks away. Chrissy: She'll get you eventually. Like, in a couple years. Diandra: That's very meta, but Crimson Peak definitely can't exist in the same universe. Ava shrugs and goes to hug her sister while Adam turns the music off. Ava asks if Eve got her "message". Eve says maybe...was it in the form of a dream? Chrissy: Ugh, no. I sent an email. What are you, from the Dark Ages? Actually, she burbles that it worked then and drags Eve to the couch. Eve looks at Adam like 'see? Told you.' He grunts like 'yeah...whoopee.' Eve reminds Ava that it's "very bad luck" to cross a threshold into a place she wasn't invited. So I guess it's not a rule so much as a superstition then? Ava chuckles and asks if Eve is still afraid of garlic too. Chrissy: Only when it's on Adam's breath. Diandra: Quick with that one, weren't you? So if all the myths aren't actually real...why keep the one about not being out in the sunlight? Unless there's a non turning-to-a-pile-of-ash reason? Chrissy: If the next thing you say includes the word "sparkle", so help me... Diandra: I do know other vampire stories, Chris. I was thinking more like "Moonlight" where he could be out for short periods, but it basically gave him something like heatstroke faster than a normal human. That was what I was planning on doing when I started that other abandoned vampire AU fic. Chrissy: Wait...when was this? Diandra: It was a post-series-finale "Lost" fic. Chrissy: Just how many fics have you abandoned? Diandra: In which fandom? Chrissy: Ugh. Writers. Adam grumbles that it's also "bad luck" to listen to somebody's private music uninvited. Chrissy: But like anyone would be, I am flattered by your fascination with me. Diandra: ............did you just quote Alanis Morissette? Chrissy: Yes, dear, keep up. Ava gushes that it's so GREAT though. She asks if she can get a downloadable copy. "No," he growls. She makes a pouty face at him. Eve is like 'so you really think we're going to believe you were just passing through Detroit, huh?' Ava says no, duh, she lives in L.A. She would only come out here to bumfuck nowhere to visit them. Adam asks if she's alone. She's like 'well, right now no, obviously, since you're both here.' Adam rolls his eyes so hard they nearly pop out and wishes he had a wooden stake. He says there's no way she's staying here after last time. Eve sighs that that was 87 years ago. Ava doesn't even remember what he's holding a grudge over. "Are you still upset about that Paris thing?" He just glares. Chrissy: You mean that time you pretended to be F Scott Fitzgerald? Diandra: Oy. Managed to fanwank another one in, did you? Chrissy: It was just too perfect. Also, it works with the "How To Stop Time" thing because Fitzgerald was one of the people Tom Hazard met and the scene totally looked like the one in "Midnight in Paris" so I was picturing Tom Hiddleston playing him. Diandra: That...okay now I really want Tom Hiddleston to be cast as F Scott Fitzgerald in "How to Stop Time". Chrissy: Right? Ava whines that she's REALLY hungry and asks if they have anything she could eat. Adam starts to tell her to fuck off, but Eve prompts him to be a good boy and get his sister-in-law something to eat. He rolls his eyes a few more times and leaves the room. Ava hugs Eve again and gushes about how happy she is to see her and how much FUN they're going to have together. Eve looks less than thrilled. That...morning, I guess. Adam is using Eve as a pillow. He grumbles about her sister drinking an awful lot of their stash. Eve, half asleep, sighs that she's been travelling and that takes a lot out of you and it will be fine, really. Adam asks where she's sleeping. Eve says she put her in the downstairs bedroom. Chrissy: You know, the one you use to bang that ancient human whenever he visits. Diandra: Because she couldn't put her in the one SHE uses for casual fucks. That would be weird. He grumbles that he'll have to put his tapes in the safe. Eve takes a drained glass from his hand and tells him to go to sleep and stop worrying about sister dear. Chrissy: Ahem. So...what tapes do you suppose he means? Was he using tapes to record his music, or... Diandra: You want me to say he's referring to the amateur porn, don't you? Chrissy: Yes, thank you. Flashforward and now she's using him as a leg rest and they may or may not be naked beneath the artfully arranged sheet. Ava knocks on their door and then just sticks her head in when they don't answer. She asks if she can come in and Adam sleepily says no. She ignores him and jumps on the bed beside her sister like an eager child, asking if it's time to get up yet. Adam pulls his pillow over his head. Eve asks if they can maybe sleep a little longer. Ava flops next to her sister and plops her foot on Adam's pillow, whining that she's hungry again. Adam's muffled voice begs her to just go away. Eve says they'll get up in a bit. Ava keeps wheedling and asking if they have more of that good stuff she was drinking last night and where do they keep it? Eve sighs and tells her to go get dressed. She skips out of the room and a minute later loud noises drift in from a television. Adam and Eve find her crashed on the couch watching some terrible old show with a Dracula stereotype. She still wearing her pajamas because she is easily distracted. Eve identifies it as being a French show from the 70s. Apparently it's a YouTube video streaming from a laptop. Adam turns it off. Ava whines and then says she doesn't feel well. Adam says that's probably the blood poisoning. Chrissy: Sorry, did I say blood poisoning? I meant the poison I spiked your blood with. Eve doesn't think he's funny. Adam wasn't trying to be. Eve, apparently finding his train of logic, asks if Ava is being careful because there is a lot of "contamination" these days. Adam pours her a glass and she sucks it down and lolls like the rest of them were earlier, fangs popping out. She gushes about how good it is and asks for more. Adam says she's had more than enough and she's going to deplete their supply. Chrissy: I'm sure there's a paper somewhere on this, but...is vampirism as a metaphor for drugs a common thing? I thought it was about sex or rabies or witchcraft or something. Diandra: It's probably been all of those things at some point in history. Chrissy: True. Diandra: I doubt it's new, but it's usually more subtle than this. I think. Because Ava has the attention span of a labradoodle, she jumps from the couch and demands to hear more of Adam's music. He sighs that it's PRIVATE and they've already been over this if she can remember all the way back to yesterday. She asks why she's heard his "private" music in L.A. He demands to know WHERE she heard it in L.A. Chrissy: Oh, this Frenchman with a British accent was playing it in a club... Adam skeptically asks how she knew it was his. Chrissy: Did I mention he had bite marks on his neck and I'm pretty sure I saw him flirting with you in the 20s? Ava scoffs that she wasn't born yesterday and she recognized it immediately. She grabs one of his guitars and starts messing around with it until he marches over and takes it from her. She says fine, whatever, but she wants to go out and hear some music. He's like 'fine. Nobody's stopping you.' She whines that she wants them to come with her. She flops on her sister and complains that her husband is boring and he probably never takes her anywhere. Eve says well...they go for a drive from time to time. Chrissy: Not to be confused with "going for a ride", which they do much more frequently. You can jump in anytime here, Dee. Diandra: Why? You seem to be doing fine without me. Ava thinks that sounds boring and she wants to GO somewhere fun with music. And people, presumably. Eve caves in and says she wouldn't mind going. Adam is like 'see, this is why I don't like it when your sister visits'. Ava chirps that Adam is going to take them out. Adam says no, Adam is definitely NOT doing that. So we cut to a club where the three of them sit at a table wearing matching sunglasses because we all know who the boss of this marriage is. There's a grunge band playing - all electric guitars and shrieking. Oh, and Ian seems to have joined them at some point. A song ends and Adam and Eve start sucking each other's faces off. Ian looks at Ava kind of awkwardly and she rubs his arm. He starts babbling about the gloves they're all wearing before being mercifully rescued by a human friend named Scott. He says he'll be right back and runs off to show Scott something. Ian and Scott huddle out of earshot and Ian asks if Scott remembers the "12-inch". Chrissy: How could I forget? It still hurts to sit. Diandra: I'm pretty sure that's not anatomically possible outside of bad romance novels and porn. Chrissy: Shh... Ian offers to go "grab it." Chrissy: Okay, but make sure you bring a lot more lube this time. There's a weird moment after Ian runs off where Scott turns to look at Adam creepily and then Ian comes back and hands him a vinyl record. Scott gushes over it and Ian points out that it doesn't even have any printing anywhere on it. They shake hands and Ian comes back to the table gushing at Ava about how he's never been able to drag Adam out of the house before and this is so great. He asks if Adam wants to meet the band. Adam says no quickly. Ian is like okay...um...that's cool. Then he slowly pulls out a pair of sunglasses like THIS WILL MAKE ME FIT IN WITH THE COOL KIDS and drinks a beer. He belatedly notices they aren't drinking anything and offers to get "Eve" a drink. Ava corrects their names, then pulls out a flask and drinks from it. Adam does a double take and asks where she got that. She smirks, says she filled it at home before they left and asks if he wants some. Eve takes it and sips from it. Adam is like 'yeah, whatever' and takes a long pull. Ian asks if he can try it as it passes back to Ava. She says yeah, sure, whatever, and holds it out. Adam snatches it at vampire speed before Ian can grab it. Ian is like 'woah...dude...what kind of martial arts is that? You are so awesome.' Chrissy: No wonder he calls the humans zombies. His favorite one is brain dead. Ava drags him out onto the dance floor as Ian continues to gush about how awesome and mysterious Adam is and he had to sign a confidentiality agreement promising he wouldn't talk about him with other people and who does that? Are you sure that's what you signed? Did you read it? Chrissy: We don't actually do the miles of paperwork in 50 Shades of Awful BDSM if that's where you're going with this. Diandra: It wasn't, but that's good to know. One of Adam's songs comes over the speakers, which Eve points out immediately. Ava starts dancing with Ian, looking back at her sister and Adam pointedly while she guides his hands all over her butt. Adam is like 'yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh, we're done here.' Eve calms him down and reminds him they can't draw attention, grabbing at Ava on her way out the door. Back at home, Ava messes around with a drum set while Ian smiles encouragingly. Adam snaps at her and she stops. She drags Ian over to the couch while Adam packs some boxes with music or something. She asks if she can have that flask back now. He repeats that she's had enough. Eve suggests they go to bed because it's beginning to get light out. Ian doesn't question this logic and offers to share his beer with Ava. Chrissy: The one you probably brought back from the club that has long gone warm? No, I'm good. Adam suggests maybe it's time for Ian to go home. Ava puts her arm around Ian and says he can go once he's finished his beer. Adam just stares at them like 'one of these days I'm going to stake you in your sleep regardless of my wife's sentimental attachment to you.' Eve kisses Ava goodnight and shakes Ian's hand. Adam reminds Ian that he really has to go soon before following Eve out the door. Outside, the coyotes are howling again. Inside, Eve finds Adam crashed on the bed in exactly the same position as "yesterday" with a pillow over his head. She pulls the pillow away and cuddles up to him. He points to the thermos thing in her hand and asks what she's doing with it. She says she filled it for Ava. Adam grunts like 'damnit, I went a whole five minutes before remembering she is still here. It was nice.' Eve sighs that she's going to go check on her, but then she's going to kick her out like he's been encouraging her to. She kisses him and slinks off. He rolls over and grumbles something about getting up. Chrissy: Ahem. Yes, and can you do it before the cameras cut away this time? I wanna see if you have any underwear under that sheet. Cut to Eve going down the stairs. Chrissy: DAMNIT. She goes to the bedroom they gave Ava and finds it empty and totally strewn with her crap. She searches the house and finds Ava - and Ian - never left that room and Ian now has a red mark on his neck and is awfully still. Eve drops the flask and blood spills out on the rug. She looks at the broken records strewn everywhere, purses her lips and sits on the couch, waking Ava. She checks the bite marks on Ian's neck, confirms that he's dead and shakes Ava, hissing at her that they are in the 21st goddamn century and she can't DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE. Ava whines that she didn't MEAN to and she doesn't feel well now. Eve is like 'yeah, no shit. Five minutes with him and you can tell he's done a lot of drugs.' They both still as Adam comes into the room half dressed. "You drank Ian," he says in the calm voice of someone whose fuse is already lit and is seconds from blowing. Eve says they can sort this out and Ava is leaving. Adam just walks away, apparently to start collecting her things because the next shot is of Ava standing outside the front door while he throws them at her. She asks where she's supposed to go. He says she can go back to L.A. for all he cares. She has a hissy fit about them being "condescending snobs" and marches off down the street, yelling back petty send offs like "fuck you" and "go fuck each other." Chrissy: Well, that sounds like a plan. And then apparently Adam goes back inside and slumps on the couch next to Ian's dead body, where Eve finds him. She murmurs that Ian seemed like such a lovely guy. Adam looks at Ian mournfully and wonders aloud why Ava didn't just turn him. Chrissy: Then we could have invited him to live with us and taken turns with him for the next couple decades until he got boring. Eve asks if anyone can connect Adam to him. Adam is like 'um...you do remember the four of us were in public together last night, right?' Eve sighs and asks where Ian's car is. Adam says he left it at the club. Eve says well, that will take care of itself in a day or two when somebody steals it then. Isn't Detroit lovely? She sits on the couch and Adam holds the partial guitar Ava destroyed that he's been clutching out to her. Eve reflexively notes that it's a 1905 and it's beautiful despite being totally ruined. There's a long lingering shot of them both slumped on either side of Ian's body and I half expect Ian to gasp back to life or something. Then she asks if Adam has some old carpet he can get rid of. They struggle to get Ian's carpet-wrapped body in the trunk of the car and start driving. Eve gets twitchy when a cop car passes them and asks what they're supposed to do with the body because it's not like the old days when they could just toss them in the Thames along with all the other bodies. Chrissy: How long would it take to drive to Chicago? Diandra: And disguise the body to look like a mob hit? Probably past dawn. Also, I love how you assume the mob only operates in Chicago. Chrissy: Well, no, but nobody operates out of Detroit anymore and it seems like that would be the closest big city. And you're the one who automatically knew I was referring to the mob. Diandra: Ahem. Yeah, I have friends from Chicago who make that joke frequently. They arrive at some sort of abandoned factory and Eve marvels at how "lovely" the coyotes scampering through the parking garage are. "I think they're clocking you." Adam says eh, they're all over the city. They drag Ian's body over to a pool of something he tells her to not even ask about. The bag and all of Ian's skin and hair dissolves within seconds of them throwing him in. Chrissy: If this is Flint, that could just be water. Diandra: Ahem. "That certainly was visual," Eve declares as what is left of Ian sinks out of sight. Back at the house, Adam is literally standing around twirling his hair while Eve books them both night flights back to Tangier. The doorbell rings and Adam peeks out the window, identifying the kids from earlier, who he says are "on to" him. Eve grumbles that at least it isn't the police. The agent she's speaking to offers to connect their flight through London and she's like 'no, we can't go back there! Anywhere else!' The agent offers Madrid and when she repeats that Adam nods. Then she gets to the part about them not having any luggage and Adam yelps about all his instruments. Eve is like 'I'll find you more in Tangier!' They'll just take what they can put in carry- ons. Adam asks if they can put blood in carry ons. When is the last time you flew on a plane? You can't even take a fucking water bottle. Chrissy: Or in some cases: toothpaste. Diandra: Why would you try to put a full size tube of toothpaste in a carry on? Chrissy: Did I say it was full size? Diandra: Oh, for fuck's sake...I hate flying. She says they'll get some the minute they arrive and starts paying over the phone, using passports for Stephen Dedalus and Daisy Buchanan while Adam plucks sullenly at one of his guitars. Okay, I had to look up that first one because I don't really know James Joyce that well, but why would she pick a name from one of the most recognizable pieces of American literature? Chrissy: Because John Doe and Jane Smith would be too suspicious. And then we get a little montage of them curled together like kittens on the plane and in the taxi He seems to be actually unconscious for most of it. They trudge to her place and crash on the bed, her phone still clutched in her hand. She wakes up, calls Marlowe and grumbles when she can't get through. Sometime later, she has to slap Adam to wake him up. He whines and asks what that was for. She says they need to find Marlowe and drags him from the bed. He grumbles that he isn't sure he can even walk. Chrissy: Not the first time. Diandra: Yeah, yeah... They stagger through back alleys and are propositioned by people selling drugs or whatever. Adam gets right in one guy's face so he can see the weird glowing eyes they apparently get when they really need to feed and spooks him. Chrissy: I don't see why he doesn't just take the guy up on his offer, retreat into one of those dark alleys somewhere and then suck him dry. Diandra: You're going to say "and then drink his blood", aren't you? Chrissy: You know me so well. They arrive at the back door of the restaurant and Eve bangs on the door until Bilal opens. Eve introduces him to Adam by forcibly holding out Adam's hand to shake his. They go inside and Bilal rambles that things are really NOT good right now and his "teacher" is very not well and hey, they don't look too hot either. He escorts them to a little hidden backroom where a sickly, ancient looking Marlowe rasps that they look terrible. Eve kneels beside him and holds his hand. Adam slinks in behind her and he and Marlowe quote Hamlet at each other. Marlowe takes a tiny flask from his pocket and gives it to Eve, saying it's the "very last" of the good stuff he was bringing her before because the French doctor is "no more". There are only drops in the flask. Eve dribbles some on her tongue and hands it to Adam. Marlowe is like 'so, once I ran out of that I decided to just drink the contaminated stuff and here we are.' He suggests they steer clear of the local hospital. Adam notes the paper covered in scribbling handwriting on a desk nearby and notes that Marlowe is still writing. Marlowe calls Bilal over and gushes that he is a great writer as well and he should use the fuck out of it because in his experience being humble only gets you exploited by some two-bit illiterate zombie hack. Adam grabs a candle and illuminates the picture of "Shakespeare" stabbed to a nearby wall with a knife through the forehead. Chrissy: Bet this is killing Tom. Diandra: Well, he did agree to do this movie. Adam says playing the game ultimately paid off though because his work is OUT THERE. Marlowe grumbles about politics and how he was technically supposed to be dead so he didn't have a choice. "And now...at last...I shall be..." He goes still and Bilal and Eve cry. Adam tries to comfort Eve. This extends all the way to the street where she buries her face in his chest. After a minute she yanks herself away and checks the empty flask Marlowe gave her again. They manage to get a couple more drops each and he tries to cheer her up a little by pointing out the mess of antiquated wires powering the nearby buildings. They stare into space and ask "what are we gonna do," at the same time. She rallies and announces that she has a plan. Chrissy: I'm going to go to Nepal, shave my head and start a school. Diandra: Still doesn't work. Actually, she says she's going to get him his present now and demands he hand over all his money. She takes the wad he hands her and drags him halfway down an alley before having to stop to suck his face a little. Chrissy: Yeah, I can sympathize. She stops at the end of the alley and tells him to wait there while she goes around the corner and he should be a good boy. She puts on her sunglasses, pauses, fishes his out of his pocket and puts his on him as well. Chrissy: You notice that, other than those moments where he was comforting here while she grieved, he's basically been functioning as a giant Ken doll these past few scenes? Diandra: Yep. I think the effects of their relationship as characters might have lingered for a while after the movie finished too because I saw some footage of them doing a promotional tour and Tilda was totally manhandling Tom to get him in front of whatever interviewer/photographer they were supposed to be talking to. Like 'no, over here, darling. That's a good boy.' Chrissy: Wonder if his publicist took notes from her. Adam stares into space, content to stay exactly where she put him because he no longer has a will of his own, until a band starts playing around the corner. He follows the sound as a woman starts singing in Arabic. This goes on for a while. So long, in fact, that Chrissy becomes bored and starts checking her phone. Chrissy: No, I'm not bored, I just...why is Emilio texting me a link to a quiz about which MCU character I am? Diandra: Probably trying to prove a point. Chrissy: Is this the one that told you you're Doctor Strange? Diandra: Yes. He got Star Lord. Chrissy: [snort] Oh, that's gonna be a thing when we get to "Infinity War". Diandra: Yeah, I figured. Chrissy: And possibly "Ragnarok" because I just got Loki. Diandra: Of course you did. Eve comes up behind Adam and leans on him as the song with not a whole lot of melody finishes. He says the "bird" is great. Eve says she's Lebanese and she will probably be famous one day. Adam hopes not because she's "too good" for fame. Eve shows Adam the real present she was going for - a beautifully carved lute with a curved handle. He identifies the type of wood it's made of, which I think is the same as the one he had Ian make the bullet from. He plucks at it to hear the reverb and thanks her. They sit off in a corner somewhere and Eve tries to get one last drop of blood from Marlowe's vial, but it is totally dry. Adam notes that 82% of the blood in a human body is water. "Have the water wars started yet? Or is it still about oil?" She says they're just starting now. He grumbles that they only figure things out when it's too late. They both take their gloves off and ramble about the percentage of the Earth and the human body that is water and he plucks a melody on the lute. Then he sighs and says "I'm barely still here. We're finished, aren't we?" And then an amorous couple wanders into view. Eve perks up and prompts Adam to talk about entanglement and Einstein's theory of "spooky action at a distance" and its relationship to quantum theory. Chrissy: Was this whole script written by some college student while he was high or something? Diandra: I should think that was obvious long ago. Adam says it isn't a theory. It's been proven. If you separate an entwined particle and move the parts away from each other, affecting one will similarly alter the other even if they are at opposite ends of the universe. Chrissy: And you can travel between them if you use a tesseract to wrinkle time and space. At least that was my understanding of Madeline L'Engle's book. Diandra: A tesseract, huh? Chrissy: Oh, now you want to talk Marvel? They keep watching the oblivious couple and Eve grumbles that they're seriously considering reverting to the 15th century here. Although they do look awfully tasty... Adam sighs that they don't really have a choice. Eve says they can turn them, right? "How romantic of you," Adam says dryly. Chrissy: And have two more mouths to feed? Come on. And so we end on them creeping up on the amorous couple and leaping on them, fangs bared and fade to black. Diandra: Well, that wasn't so bad. Shall we get back to the MCU now or...what are you doing with my phone? Chrissy: You are just never going to change that profile picture on Twitter, are you? Diandra: What are you doing on my Twitter account? [grabs phone] [sees a string of posts with gifs of Tom Hiddleston debating the next of his movies we should recap] GodDAMN it, Chris! Chrissy: What were you saying? Oh, yes, MCU. What are we on now? Spider-Man? Diandra: [scrolling] Why the HELL would I recap Shakespeare?! Chrissy: And then we can start on "The Night Manager". Diandra: [incoherent whimpering sounds]