"Torchwood, episode 1x06: Countrycide" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Burn Gorman, Naoko Mori, Gareth David-Lloyd, Kai Owen A young woman is driving down some deserted road with nothing but fields around for miles, talking to her father on her cell phone when she goes into a dead zone and loses the signal. Chrissy: Isn’t this the opening scene of every horror movie ever made? Diandra: I don’t know, but it’s certainly the opening scene of a lot of procedurals. Either way, this is probably the last time anyone will ever hear from her. The woman sees a body laying in the road and stops. At least she has the good sense to grab a baseball bat out of the back of the car before approaching it. Too bad she’s so focused on the body she doesn’t see the shadowy figure running toward her car. She pokes the “body” and the soccer ball head rolls into view. She runs back to the car to find her tires slashed and her keys missing. She locks her door and grabs her phone, but she still can’t get a signal (naturally). Something thumps on top of the car, the door unlocks and the shadowy figure drags her away, screaming. Blippy credits. In the SUV, Owen is bitching about how much he hates the country. Apparently they have been called to the scene of the woman’s disappearance because there have been 16 other disappearances in the same area in the past five months and the police have run out of ideas and punted the case to Torchwood. Because the UK doesn’t have an equivalent of the FBI? I guess? Jack traces a twenty-mile radius on the map where the people were all last seen and says there is absolutely no profile – ages, race, gender are all over the map – and their bodies were never found. Gwen asks if it’s possible the rift could spread this far. Jack says they don’t know enough about it to be sure, but whatever is doing this is escalating. Owen hypothesizes that it’s some sort of suicide club because why would an alien want to hang around in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere waiting to snatch a few humans. Ianto – who is wearing jeans and actually out in the field but still somehow basically in the same role – hands him a burger he just got from a stand by the side of the road. Chrissy: Good. Maybe that’ll shut him up for two minutes. Also? Eeeee, pretty! Ianto asks if Tosh is sure she doesn’t want anything while he hands burgers to Jack and Gwen. Tosh says she’s sure: a friend of hers caught hepatitis off one of those roadside burgers. Gwen and Ianto, already in the process of biting into theirs, freeze with hilarious “ew” expressions on their faces. Jack sighs, tosses his burger aside and says they should focus on the most recent victim. He points to the spot where her cell phone signal cut out and says it looks like a good place to set up camp. “Sorry, did you say camp,” Owen asks, making a face like he would rather eat his burger off the floor of a subway platform in the seediest part of London. Jack just smiles at him. What, exactly, is wrong with sleeping in a hotel, Owen asks as he helps Jack unpack the truck. Jack says people are going missing, so sleeping in a place run by strangers is probably not a good idea. Yes, because camping right out in the open is SO much safer, Owen snarks. Jack has no argument for this (because Owen is right: both plans are equally stupid), so he BSs something about humans being the only beings in the universe who make a vacation out of sleeping under glorified tarps in the middle of the woods. Owen glowers at his wadded-up tent and Tosh sweetly asks “need a hand getting it up?” Chrissy: Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew! Owen makes a hilarious face, then recovers and says if he did, he wouldn’t ask her. Diandra: Jerk. Chrissy: Finally, she comes around to my point of view. Tosh purses her lips and disappears into her already-erected tent. Something watches from the woods as Owen struggles with his tent, making loud breathing noises. Chrissy: Yes. Please take the scrawny one first. Gwen, out of sheer boredom apparently, asks Owen who the last person was that he “snogged”. Owen grumbles that she sounds like an eight year old because “who the hell says ‘snog’?” I...thought that was a common British expression. Gwen, undaunted, says hers was Rhys. Shocker. She turns to Tosh, who smiles a shy little Kewpie smile and says “Owen.” “Only in your dreams,” Owen says. “3AM, Christmas Eve in front of the Millennium Center,” she reminds him. “Waiting for a cab. I had mistletoe.” I kind of love the idea that she carries mistletoe in her pocket around Christmas just waiting for the chance to use it on some unsuspecting boob. Owen gapes at her as he realizes she hasn’t kissed anyone since Christmas. “So who was yours,” Tosh deflects. Owen seems to consider it for a moment and Gwen’s face falls as she realizes this was a very ill- conceived “game” she came up with. “Gwen,” he finally says. Everyone looks at them like ‘the who now?’ and Tosh asks when this was. “It was complicated,” Gwen non-answers. No it wasn’t. You were being chased by a killbot, thought you were going to die and Owen coped a feel. Tosh smiles an adorably wicked smile and notes it didn’t take Gwen long to “get your feet under the table”. I think I love Tosh. Owen decides it’s Jack’s turn. “Are we including non-human life forms,” Jack asks. “You’re a sick man, Harkness,” Owen grumbles. And you should have known this already, Harper. Seriously, what did you expect? “I never know when he’s joking,” Gwen says worriedly. Chrissy: Wouldn’t the answer be Ianto? Diandra: Maybe. Then again, as far as I can tell kissing is Jack’s way of saying “hello”, “goodbye”, “I love you”, “I hate you”, “I want to get into your pants” and “it’s Wednesday” so there could have been any number of people/creatures since then. Speaking of Ianto, he decides to rain all over everyone’s good mood just then by piping up that his was Lisa. Everyone looks uncomfortable and Gwen apologizes and looks like she wants to hug him. Ianto smiles bitterly. More awkwardness. Owen gets up to go collect firewood and Gwen leaps after him, relieved to be free of this conversation. They leave poor Tosh with Jack sort of glowering at Ianto and Ianto finding sudden fascination with the clouds overhead. “Couldn’t you have kept that to yourself,” Gwen asks when they are out of earshot. “You’re such an arrogant shit sometimes, Owen.” Chrissy: SOMETIMES?! Owen says he thought it was a pretty spectacular kiss, if he does say so himself, and seeing as she’s been avoiding him ever since... She says he’s delusional. He says he could tell a lot from that kiss, including the fact that her sex life isn’t all that great lately. She snaps and slams him against a tree, daring him to elaborate. Moron does. “Rhys makes the earth rumble, but he doesn’t make it move, does he?” Gwen makes a half hearted threat. Owen flips them around so she’s backed up against the tree, puts his face right up against hers and growls “when was the last time you screwed all night? When was the last time you came so hard and so long you forgot where you are?” Somebody thinks a little too highly of his abilities. He hypothesizes that she and Rhys are too “familiar”, which I guess translates to “boring” in his book, whereas he and Gwen still barely know each other which would somehow make sex between them spectacular instead of awkward and potentially embarrassing. They almost kiss, but then Gwen is distracted by a shadow moving through the trees behind Owen. She warns Owen, who freezes and asks if she has her gun. “You go left, I go right.” They break apart, running in opposite directions and waving guns around seemingly at random. They run into each other again after a minute and Owen wonders how the hell they managed to lose the guy. Because you were thinking with the wrong part of your anatomy and the blood was slow to return would be my guess. Then Gwen spots something on the ground: some sort of lump with a cloth thrown over it. They sidle up to it and Owen shoves the cloth back with a stick to reveal a bloodied human skeleton. Or most of it anyway. They both reel back and a crow shrieks happily in the distance. Horrible vultures. Chrissy: I see you haven’t gotten over that irrational hatred of crows then. Diandra: It’s not irrational. They’re nasty creatures. Sometime later, the whole team is hovering around the body as Owen determines that the vic is a male, late 40s to early 50s and since there are no signs of struggle or blood spatter this was obviously a pop and drop. Chrissy: Stop throwing random “CSI” terminology in there. Diandra: Why? Chrissy: Because I’ll have to hurt you. Gwen wonders why the unsub bothered to dump the body in the woods and not just bury it. Chrissy: “Criminal Minds” counts as a “CSI”. Diandra: Ugh. Fine. Tosh thinks maybe she and Owen distracted him. Ianto thinks maybe it’s some sort of territory marking thing. Oh, right. Because we’re still assuming the killer isn’t human. Jack asks what the COD is. Owen doesn’t have a clue seeing as there’s hardly anything left of the body and he is not Temperance Brennan. Chrissy: Seriously, how many of these shows do you watch on a regular basis? Tosh asks if the Weevils could possibly have come out this far. Jack says this was definitely not a Weevil. A car starts in the distance. “Is that ours,” Gwen asks. “Yep,” Jack says, running off. They get back to the campsite just as whoever is driving finishes driving over all of their supplies and rockets off. Tosh is yelling at Owen as they’re picking up the wreckage because apparently he left the keys in the SUV. Which...Jack was driving and Jack was the last one out of the car, so why would that be Owen’s fault? Chrissy: Because it’s ALWAYS Owen’s fault. Trust me. Jack says the body must have been a decoy. Gwen says that would mean somebody has been watching them since they arrived. Jack asks Tosh if she can get a tracking signal on the car and Ianto pipes up that he’s already done that. Why don’t they bring him in the field more often? Chrissy: My thoughts exactly. He says it’s 3 miles away and it’s been just sitting for the past four minutes so it appears to be parked. Gwen points out that that’s roughly in the vicinity of the only town for thirty miles around on the map. Tosh thinks that sounds disturbingly like a trap. Jack says ‘yes it does. Let’s start walking toward it and see what happens.’ Or words to that effect. They come up on a largish farmhouse, which Ianto’s device says the SUV has been parked near for the past hour now. And then the disc this episode is on up and died on me, so I will not have subtitles for the rest of this episode because I have to work from a downloaded copy somebody ripped from British television. The house appears totally abandoned. Jack orders Ianto and Tosh to continue trying to find the car while the rest of them search the house. Inside, they find a pub that appears to be well-kept with money still in the register, but it still looks abandoned. They poke around waving flashlights for a while until Gwen finds a body in the apartment upstairs. It’s in pretty much the same state as the one they found in the woods, but this one still has some of its skin. Jack and Owen find Gwen vomiting in the corner. Owen gapes at the body, muttering “oh my god” over and over and doesn’t seem to hear the noise downstairs. Jack and Gwen run after it, Gwen still bending over and retching every few seconds. “Jack please [something something] going on here,” she mumbles. Yeah, this is going to be a long episode. Chrissy: That’ll teach you to become dependent on subtitles. They go into another part of the building and find another body – although all we see is a puddle of blood on the floor, so we’ll just have to take their word for it. Gwen asks what the hell is doing this because whatever it is it can’t be human. “Stay focused,” he says. “I should be home having dinner with Rhys,” she continues, ignoring him. “What am I doing here with you?!” Chrissy: More importantly, what is she doing contemplating cheating on Rhys with OWEN of all people? Diandra: She hates herself? Jack says they have a couple more houses to check and darts outside again. Meanwhile, Ianto and Tosh have tracked the SUVs signal to another building. This one seems to have a locked door. A woman screams in the distance and they freeze. “Just a fox or something,” Ianto dismisses nervously. They split up and go opposite ways around the building and find nothing but a bunch of dead animals hanging from trees in back. Ianto wanders toward a hill behind the building and says they should keep going that way. Then he realizes Tosh has disappeared. He pulls a gun and yells her name frantically, creeping back around the side of the building, until a shadowy figure knocks him to the ground. And we’re back to Jack and Gwen, who come up to a door with an engaged chainlock. Apparently it is either old or Gwen is Superwoman, because she rips it open with only a little effort and takes two steps inside before a shot rings out and she goes flying back. While she is coughing and groaning and clutching her stomach, Jack points his gun at the very shaky looking guy with the shotgun inside. The guy drops his gun and yelps “I thought you’d come back for me!” Jack asks who the fuck he’s talking about, but the guy just cries and looks terrified. Meanwhile, Owen has apparently heard the commotion and comes running, medical bag in hand, as Jack comes back out, picks Gwen up and carries her inside. They lay her on a table and Jack runs off to “check upstairs” while Owen tries to peel back her clothes to look at the wound. “Bet you thought you’d never be glad to see me,” he mutters. It looks like buckshot or something – tiny fragments barely embedded beneath the skin – and he says she got lucky and pulls out a needle full of anesthetic or something. “Do you want to quip about feeling a small prick,” he asks...I think. She says no, but “thanks for offering” and goes back to moaning and grunting. Yeah, she’ll be fine. She settles as the medication starts working and watches him fish the fragments out. She asks if he misses being a doctor. He says he still is – he just doesn’t work with patients anymore. At least not ones that are breathing. Which is good because his bedside manner sucks. Jack comes back down, shotgun in hand and wonders what the hell is taking Ianto and Tosh so long. Owen tells him to relax – the SUV could be “locked up or under guard”. “Or they could be dead,” the nearly forgotten guy who shot Gwen yelps. “Everyone else is!” Jack rounds on him and tries to ask him some questions, but the guy just yelps that “it’s not human” and he’s gonna die and his mother won’t know what happened to him. Jack promises to get him home and says they’ll make their way back to the pub. Owen suddenly decides to switch roles in the conversation and ask if they should go after Ianto and Tosh. Jack says not until they know what they’re dealing with. “They’re not children. They know what to do.” Chrissy: You did say this show is uneven. Diandra: In every possible way, apparently. Tosh wakes up on the floor of some dark basement. Ianto is sitting next to her with a crowbar clutched in his hands. “You know,” he says. “I never liked camping.” Ha! Bless you, dear. He says they took their weapons, but apparently they left Tosh’s flashlight. She starts poking around while Ianto babbles that as far as he can tell they’re pretty far underground. “Chances of rescue?” She says they don’t need rescue – “I haven’t met a cell yet I couldn’t get out of”. Bet she has an interesting back story. Too bad we won’t be exploring it anytime soon. Ianto asks if she saw what attacked them. She didn’t. “That body in the forest...” “Don’t think about it,” she snaps, her voice cracking as she accidentally puts her hand in a puddle of blood. He starts muttering about how they all seem to be enjoying putting themselves in danger and don’t they ever wonder how long they can last before they go crazy or lose somebody or get killed or... “It’s worth the risk to protect people,” she barks. “And who protects us,” he yells back. Day one in the field isn’t going so well for him, obviously. After an awkward moment, Tosh mutters that she’s hungry. Ianto says she should have had the burger then. She says she isn’t *that* hungry. Then she comes across a whole pile of shoes stacked along the floor and wall ledges. “How many people have been down here,” she moans. Ianto wonders what happened to them all. This part, at least, is answered when Tosh spots a refrigerator and opens it to find it full of cut up body parts. “We’re food,” she concludes. In the pub, Jack and Owen barricade the door while Gwen jots down notes on a chalkboard. “Have we ever heard of a species that strips human bodies of flesh and organs,” she asks. Sure: bears, any sort of wild (or sometimes domesticated if they’re hungry enough) cat, wolves, hyenas, vultures...pretty much anything that eats meat. But since this is obviously something smart enough to set up traps for people driving by I’m going to go with: other humans. Or Bigfoot. It could be Bigfoot. Chrissy: Wrong country. Diandra: The Loch Ness Monster? Chrissy: You would never have made it as an investigator of paranormal phenomenon. Diandra: Werewolves? Chrissy: Let’s just go with that and move on. Owen tells her she needs to rest. She woozily says she’s just compiling what they’ve got so far to see if it helps any. Jack says they can assume the other 16 people are dead too and maybe a few more that weren’t declared missing. Owen says this must mean the rift is spreading and dumping out “aliens and psychos” in new and less-than-exciting places. No, it means you people have apparently never heard of Jeffrey Dahmer. Chrissy: You know, I think watching all those shows about psycho serial killers has made you cynical. Diandra: Probably. But seriously, what kind of police department skips over “serial killer” and goes right to “some paranormal shit probably” to explain a pattern of disappearances? Chrissy: The kind that can’t tell the difference between Wales, Scotland and Northwestern America? Diandra: Okay, you’ve made your point. Something moves outside a window and Gwen and Owen wave guns in the general direction of the movement and hyperventilate. Jack tells them not to get jumpy because they don’t know who these things are or what their intentions might be. The lights go out. “I’m thinking that’s not a good sign,” Owen says dryly. Something rattles at the door and the kid with the shot gun – who was sleeping for some reason – wakes up and shrieks that they’ve come back. The cellar door starts rattling and Jack leans on it. And then all hell breaks loose but it’s too dark to really tell what is going on exactly. Jack is shooting down the cellar, the kid is shooting at the main door (which is somehow blasting open despite all the furniture in the room being piled in front of it) and bottles on the bar are exploding from bullets that seem to be coming from nowhere. Something drags the kid out the door. Gwen tries to run after him but Jack holds her back. He says they still don’t know what they’re dealing with, but he hit whatever was behind the door so they can find out before they go running after one of them. She says fine, do that, I’m going to find the others. He points out that she’s wounded. “You think that’s going to stop me?” she screams. Pause. “Be careful,” he mutters, stepping aside. Ha. Pushover. She runs off and Owen follows her. In the basement, Tosh determines that the door is reinforced and they can’t break through it. Ianto tries to kick it down anyway and then a light comes on on the other side, visible through a tiny peephole. Ianto stands back and tackles the homely woman brandishing a rifle as she opens the door and steps through. The woman yelps that she’s not going to hurt them and holds the gun off to the side, looking all wide eyed and frantic. She asks if they’re injured and if anyone else knows they’re here. Tosh says there’s three more of them in the village. Chrissy: Don’t tell them that, you idiot! Diandra: I see you’re catching up. The woman says she’s sorry but she’s been sent to collect them. “I’ve got to take you to them.” Tosh calmly says if she tells them what’s going on they can help. The woman laughs a little and says no, they can’t. “Every ten years, it takes us again. The harvest.” Ianto tries to run past her and she waves the gun in his face and says they HAVE to come with her. Back in the other building, Jack is poking around in the cellar, finding several jars full of what looks like organs and a blood trail. The latter leads to a very human male sitting against the far wall. “Please help me,” he cries. Jack drags him over to a lighter area and ties a tourniquet around his bleeding leg. He demands to know what happened to the kid and what is going on around this creepy, creepy place. The guy laughs hysterically. “You don’t know!” Jack, tired of this shit, undoes the tourniquet and growls that the guy should know he was once the “go to guy” for torturing information out of people. He reaches for the wound and does something that makes the guy shriek. Chrissy: Oh please. We’re supposed to believe HE tortured people? He’s a freaking marshmallow. Diandra: A marshmallow who hands children over to sociopathic demon creatures for the “greater good”. I wouldn’t really put much past him. But no, he’s not exactly Jack Bauer. Chrissy: You didn’t even like that show. Diandra: Sayid Jarrah? Chrissy: Yes, that sounds more like you. Outside, Gwen and Owen wander onto a road and are stopped by a police car with flashing lights. Gwen tells the cop they’re Torchwood and he says “what’s that then, a band?” He asks what’s wrong with Gwen since she’s leaning heavily on Owen and looking pained. She deflects to ask what that light peeking through the trees is. The cop says it’s the “big house. A sort of unofficial village hall.” They brush past him toward it. Ianto and Tosh are led into another house – or possibly one of the ones somebody was in earlier. I can’t really keep track of the sets anymore. Tosh starts bargaining: they can stop all this if the woman will just help them. The woman apologizes and prods them toward a little partition made of plastic sheeting. Behind it, bodies wrapped in plastic are hanging from the ceiling, jars full of organs and crap are on the tables and there’s blood everywhere. Tosh asks what these creatures are. “Do they look like us?” A guy who looks like a hillbilly appears suddenly behind them and says “how else are we gonna look?” The woman laughs and the guy kisses her. Ianto tries to rush him while he’s distracted and ends up knocked to the ground and handcuffed. Then Pa Serial Killer kicks Tosh to the ground and starts trying her up. She must be in shock or something because she went from badass to helpless female in, like, two minutes flat. “I think they’re the best we ever had,” Ma Serial Killer says. Pa says oh, yeah, by the way, I caught the boy. He yanks up the kid who shot Gwen. Tosh asks who he is. “He’s meat,” Pa says in a tone like ‘duh’. Ma chuckles and practically licks the side of Ianto’s face. Okay, pause for a second. The most prized livestock humans use for food (pigs, cows, etc) is the fattest, right? The more fat and muscle the better? Why would they want Tosh? She’s tiny and you can practically see her bones through her skin. Chrissy: Since when do serial killers adhere to logic? Diandra: If you’re hunting for edible meat, you hunt turkeys, geese, ducks, pheasants...not hummingbirds and chickadees. Chrissy: You do if eating is only the secondary reason for killing. They’re obviously not starving and I’m guessing it’s not that difficult to find other animals in the woods. They’re more like the kind of people who hunt wolves they have no intention of eating or catch fish even though they hate seafood: they’re doing it for the thrill of the hunt or some such bullshit. Diandra: Oh. Right. Chrissy: Yeah, I watch “Criminal Minds” too. Pa says they’re ALL just meat and disappears for a moment, returning with a baseball bat. He waves it at Tosh, says meat needs to be tenderized and licks his lips in creepy ass fashion. He goes to pinch Ianto’s arm or something and Ianto smiles at him, then headbutts him and yells at Tosh to run. Somehow, this works and Tosh gets past Ma and flees into the woods. Ianto gets the butt end of Ma’s rifle to the head. Pa goes searching for Tosh in the woods, a flashlight in one hand and a ginormous knife in the other. She manages to hide but utterly fails to stay still until she’s SURE he’s far away and ends up flat on the ground with him smiling and laughing like the lunatic that he is over her. “No one’s coming for you,” he taunts. She kicks him in the crotch and runs away again. THAT’S my girl! Run, run, chase, chase. The sound guys layer in the sound of a lion or something under his breathing to fuck with us. And then she falls again and he pounces on her, growls “no more games” and just starts choking her. A gun appears at his temple and Owen’s voice orders him to let go or he’ll shoot. Pa doesn’t seem to be dissuaded by this so Owen just kicks him away and Gwen kneels down to hug Tosh, who hysterically fills her in on the whole ‘cannibal serial killers’ backstory. The cop they met on the road earlier is hovering nearby, just watching, which is weird. Pa tells Owen to put the gun down. Gwen says everything is okay now and tells the cop it’s safe to arrest Pa now. The cop looks back and forth for another few seconds, then pulls his gun and points it at Owen. Which absolutely anybody who is not Gwen or Owen could probably have seen coming. Luckily, Gwen has a quick response time as she jumps up and points her gun at the cop. Unluckily, she is also really bad a bluffing as the cop’s threat to blow Owen’s head off makes her surrender almost immediately. Chrissy: Damnit! Another missed opportunity! So they’re all shoved back in that main house, where Ma Serial Killer is waiting with a small group of people, a deranged smile plastered to her face. Gwen asks who the fuck these people are now and Ma says they’re the “village”. A whole family of cannibals. “Only in the bloody countryside,” Owen sneers. Pa and the “cop” shove them all into that back room with the hanging bodies. Gwen checks on the kid who shot her, who is somehow still unharmed and Tosh demands to know what they’ve done with Ianto. How would Pa know that, Tosh? He was chasing you through the woods. Pa pulls a bound and gagged Ianto off the floor, slaps him awake and picks up a bloodied meat cleaver. Chrissy: NO! NOT THE PRETTY ONE! Diandra: *sigh* Everyone is distracted as the ground starts rumbling. Pa drops the knife and joins the “cop”, who is pointing his gun at the source of a motor noise outside...what is that, the back door? It looks like the door to a barn. Why does the main house have a barn door? Oh, fuck it. A tractor bursts through the door and Jack leaps out, shooting all the members of the fucked-up “village” with the shotgun he relieved the kid of earlier. Or the kid dropped it when he was being dragged from the pub. I haven’t really been keeping track of who has what weapons here. When that runs out of bullets, he pulls his pistol and shoots a few more times until everyone is on the ground, groaning and bleeding. The cop totally unsubtly starts reaching for his gun. “Really?!” Jack says and shoots his hand. He grabs Pa by the shirt front and makes like he’s going to blow his head off but Gwen stops him. Not because she is a bleeding heart or believes in the justice system or anything. Because she wants to question him and try to understand why somebody would do something like this. Oy. That’s a one way trip down the rabbit hole. So, sometime later, Gwen is sitting at a table in the pub across from a handcuffed Pa. “The whole village was involved,” she is saying. “Every generation,” he says, staring off into space. “A tradition. Once a decade, target those travelling through, those most likely to disappear.” Gwen wonders aloud what sort of psychopath gets up in the morning and thinks ‘I’m going to kill a few people and make hamburger out of them.’ Chrissy: Sweeny Todd. Diandra: Yes, thank you for reminding me of that movie. You just had to bring Johnny Depp into this recap, didn’t you? Chrissy: [smiles dreamily] Gwen asks why they do it. “Come on: make me understand.” “Why do you care,” Pa grumbles. She spews some ridiculous nonsense about seeing things that would make his head spin, but THIS she can’t understand. Pa smiles creepily at Jack, who is glowering at him from a couple tables over. “I need to know why,” Gwen shrieks. Jack says that’s enough and moves to pull Pa away. Pa, a tear rolling strangely down his cheek, says he’ll tell her something, but he has to whisper it in her ear. Then he leans over and murmurs “cause it made me happy.” Jack drags him away, leaving Gwen to stare into space with a horrified look. Skip ahead to Gwen sitting on the couch with Rhys, watching television, her voice over wondering how the hell she went from a perfectly normal life with a normal job to this fucked up shit. Cut to her standing in bedroom with wall-to-wall windows wearing an oversize shirt and nothing else. “All these things, they’re changing me. Changing how I see the world.” We push in on her face and realize this isn’t voice over anymore – she’s talking to somebody. “And I can’t share them with anyone.” Owen appears behind her, naked and says “you can now.” Chrissy: NO! NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! They kiss, the screen fades to black and Chrissy shoves her head between her knees and dry heaves for a couple minutes. Chrissy: Seriously, the woman had Jack practically eyefucking her two episodes ago and she falls into bed with OWEN? Diandra: Yeah, like I said...she hates herself.