"Torchwood, episode 1x12: Captain Jack Harkness" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Burn Gorman, Naoko Mori, Gareth David-Lloyd So I’m not sure if the previouslies are a new thing or if I just didn’t notice them before on this show because they are run through so quickly at the tail end of the opening that it’s easy to just blink and totally miss them. Since they’re all about Diane and Owen I’m going to say they’re new. Previously on Torchwood, Owen met a woman from the 50s who ditched him and he tried to commit suicide by Weevil. Chrissy: Unfortunately, he didn't try hard enough. Diandra: Oh, be nice. We open on a quiet street in I’m going to say Cardiff. At least it looks like it used to be quiet until the black Torchwood SUV rips around a corner and comes barreling down it with complete disregard for lanes. I’ll give you three guesses who’s driving and the first two don’t count. Tosh is chattering calmly on her cell phone in Japanese beside him, so she’s obviously been desensitized to this by now. She says goodbye and hangs up as they get out of the car, waiting until we get a good look at the totally uncharacteristic dress she is wearing before explaining to Jack for the benefit of the audience that it is her grandfather’s 88th birthday and she will be going to watch a bunch of grown men throw rice in celebration after they finish up whatever the hell they’re doing in this backstreet. She walks past a couple signs that says “Vote Saxon” and Jack waits for her in front of another one plastered to the door of the building. Loyal “Doctor Who” viewers who have been seeing these things freaking everywhere all through the third season note the significance of this and wonder when the hell the payoff for this setup is coming. Everyone else (admittedly a smaller group) completely ignores it or forgets about it completely in about five seconds because it will never be important as far as this show’s cannon is concerned. They enter the building, which Tosh explains is The Ritz dance hall and has been abandoned since 1989. Which is why it is currently covered in old posters and graffiti. Except they’ve gotten complaints of 1940s music coming from the building. Jack goes running up the stairs. Tosh follows and humors him as they reach a ballroom and he starts babbling about soldiers and pretty girls and twirling her around a couple times. “And as they danced, the girls would look into their partners’ eyes, smile softly and say...” “Jack, mind my laptop,” Tosh interrupts. Yeah, close enough. Oh, you mean an actual computer. Never mind. Chrissy: That was weak, dude. Diandra: Oh, shut up. Jack concludes that there’s nothing to see here and they start heading down the stairs at the other end of the room when a muted band starts up and voices drift from the ballroom. They run back up, right into the middle of the scene Jack was describing. Tosh notes that everybody looks so real. Jack looks at his wrist strap and says that’s because they aren’t ghosts. They’ve gone through a “temporal shift”. They run back downstairs, which has now also changed to its original shiny and new 1940s state. A creepy looking doorman invites them to come back sometime as he shows them out. Unfortunately, it's the 1940s outside too because it's not the large group of people in the dance hall who have shifted in time; it's just Jack and Tosh. More specifically, it's January 20th, 1941 according to a poster on the front of the building announcing a "kiss the boys goodbye" dance. Also, there's Union Jacks and those little red-white-and-blue triangles everywhere. Tosh completely ignores all of the mounting evidence and asks why it's night and where the SUV went. Oh, come on Tosh. You're the smart one. Chrissy: Yeah, well, considering who you’re comparing her to, it’s not a very high bar. After the blippy credits, we are back in the hub in the present day and Owen, who for some reason is sleeping on the couch, is woken by a loud beeping. Ianto is standing in front of Tosh's computer, staring at the mess of equations it's spitting out along with a little red "ALERT" message. He explains that Tosh set some sort of rift monitor to tell him if there was any activity. The rift has, apparently, been "opening more and more" in recent days. Not sure if he means it's widening or just opening and closing more frequently. Tosh has been looking for a pattern in the readings. Ianto doesn't know much more than that and nobody really understands the specifics of the things Tosh's computer does so he tries to call her to see if she has similar readings where she is. Yeah, good luck with that. Owen asks why he wasn't told about all this. Ianto's like, well, you've been off doing your own thing and not really paying attention to what's going on back here, haven't you? Pretty sure the guy who keeps half-metal monsters in the basement of glass houses shouldn't be throwing stones. Chrissy: You are spectacularly bad at cliche'd expressions, you know. Diandra: Yes, I did know that. Thank you. Tosh, meanwhile, is glaring at her phone which, of course, has no signal as there will not be cell towers to bounce a signal off of for another forty-plus years. She says she can't get through to the hub. Sure you can, Tosh. It's the future. I'm sure there are plenty of ways to send a message. It's one of the perks of time travel. Jack says they should get back inside because that's where they were when they crossed over, so the answer must be in there somewhere. Meanwhile, Ianto is contacting Gwen, asking if she can get to the street Jack and Tosh were at before both of their phones mysteriously died at the same time. Is it strange that they aren't worried about this yet? "We really are in 1941," Tosh murmurs, blinking at one of the dance posters. She asks what happens if they can't get back. Well, if all else fails, you could probably find the pre- immortal version of Jack, who should have his spaceship parked up against Big Ben right about now and hitch a ride, Tosh. Of course, that could strand you in the distant future or on another planet. Or, you know, you could give that message I mentioned earlier to him or Rose and tell them to leave it with Torchwood on her next stop (which actually happens to be Cardiff in the present). Either way, you can't take this Jack with you or the universe will explode. Or something. Yeah, time travel is HARD. Chrissy: If he was already time travelling back when he was human and he "lived in the past" when he was immortal, wouldn't that mean there are now three Jacks somewhere in the UK in 1941? Diandra: I already spend the majority of my brain power researching that last paragraph. Do you have any idea what "timelines" look like in the “Doctor Who” universe? Don't make me think for at least the next half hour. Chrissy: Oh, shut up. I know you. You live for this kind of confusion. All I'm saying is would it really be that dramatic if he met himself? It must have happened at some point. As long as he doesn't talk about his own future or try to alter it in any way he should be safe. I haven't watched more than a few clips of “Doctor Who”, but I would think it wouldn't be the first time somebody has met themselves. Diandra: We are talking about *Jack*, right? The man who hits on everything that has the equivalent of a human pulse? He'd probably hit on other versions of himself. I've forgotten what the question was. Where am I? Oh, right. Jack tells Tosh not to worry because stuff goes through the rift all the time. They'll get back eventually. Yeah, that's...not really reassuring. Tosh points out that the team can't help them because she has the latest readings from the rift here. People in the immediate vicinity start noticing the strangely dressed people over by the door and gawk. Jack removes his blinking earpiece and says they need to try to blend in. Tosh is like 'oh, yeah, the guy who is already wearing a WWII overcoat is telling the only Asian girl anywhere in the immediate vicinity to blend in. Sure.' Hub. Owen has gotten into Tosh's files and found the readings from December 24th when Diane flew through the rift. Yeah, Christmas is not a good time for anybody in Whodom. Aliens invade/try to blow up the planet, Doctors regenerate and everyone they care about dies or disappears into a rift/void. Ianto notes that Owen was in love with her because apparently he's late to the party again, which I suppose is what happens when you spend more time with your killbot girlfriend in the basement than you do talking to the people you work with. Owen thinks that if Tosh finds a way to open the rift, they can get Diane back. I think, actually, that her first priority might be to kick your ass for messing with her computer right now. Also, Ianto points out that opening the rift is dangerous. 1941. A Maggie Gyllenhal lookalike is singing. Jack orders drinks from the bar before he realizes that he doesn't have any money - or at least not something anyone in the 40s would recognize as money ("who the hell is this old woman?"). Luckily, at the same moment a soldier has sidled up and started hitting on Tosh and he volunteers to pay if Tosh will dance with him. He drags her out to the dance floor without even giving her a choice and Jack laughs. The smile slides off his face about two seconds later as a woman asks aloud why George is dancing with a "Jap". Present. Gwen arrives at the dance hall and tells the boys back at the hub that the SUV is still parked out front. She wanders through the abandoned main room, turning when she hears faint music playing, and shouts "Jack!" In 1941, Jack turns suddenly in the direction she is like he can hear her somehow across time. If he did, he shrugs it off. Tosh gives him a look that says "save me!" and he goes to cut in. The guy gets defensive and says he was only "borrowing" her. Jack utterly fails to diffuse the now growing argument by saying maybe she didn't want to be "borrowed". "You can always dance with me if you like." The guy shoves him. Jack shoves him back. The guy punches him. Now that they have everybody's attention, Tosh steps in to remind Jack that they're supposed to be blending in. Yeah, it's a bit late for that now. Luckily, some other guy in uniform has stepped between them and told Jack's opponent to stand down. He turns to Jack and apologizes, explaining - in an American accent - that it's the "last day of OTU" tomorrow, so the men are a bit "lively" tonight. He makes the guy apologize to Jack. Jack, who apparently doesn't know how NOT to taunt people, says it's okay, "you barely got me." Luckily, new guy redirects by making him apologize to Tosh too, who accepts it far more graciously. Jack and Tosh start to walk away, but the new guy trails after Jack and asks if he's a volunteer too. Jack's like yeah, you could say that. They go to introduce themselves to each other but end up both talking at once. Jack laughs and offers to let him go first. "I'm Captain Jack Harkness, 133rd Air Squadron," the guy says. Chrissy: Four. Diandra: That we know of. Tosh's eyes bug out. Jack's smile freezes and he gets a terrified look in his eyes. The creepy doorman in the corner snaps a picture with one of those huge flash cameras. Owen and Ianto are pulling up information on the dance hall back at the hub, which is apparently due to be torn down a week from the present day. Owen is reviewing the reports that prompted Jack and Tosh to go out there and wondering what could be taking them so long when Ianto stumbles across a picture of a bewildered Jack shaking...uh...Jack's hand. Back in 1941, the doorman announces that he needs one more picture for the record and steps between the two Jacks while someone else takes it. Jack...oh, god help me, this is a recapper’s nightmare. Let's just agree to call them Jack and RealJack for reasons that will be explained in a couple minutes. Jack mumbles that they have to get going, but RealJack protests that he didn't get their names. Jack looks at Tosh like HELP! and she frantically recites her name, looking back and forth between them like she's trying to figure out how she ended up in the Twilight Zone. This apparently buys Jack enough time to come up with a response: "I'm Captain James Harper, 71st". RealJack says 71st is where he's hoping to be posted next and offers to buy Jack a drink. Jack, still anxious to escape, says maybe later because he and Tosh have to go...do...something. Jack goes around the corner to a deserted hallway, Tosh following at his heels, demanding to know why that guy has Jack's name. Jack says because it isn't really his name - he stole it. He just never met the guy whose name he took. At least that's what I'm inferring from "I didn't realize he was so hot." "Jack," Tosh snaps in a tone that clearly says "can't you FOCUS?" Snerk. By the way, the answer to that question is "no". She tries halfheartedly to get more information from him, but he just gives some cryptic brushoff of "you wouldn't want to know" and redirects. "We have to get back." Chrissy: WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE! I mean, uh...Tosh. Diandra: Yes, thank you. This is why we are friends. Tosh says she only has half of the equation they need - the other half is back at the hub. She just needs to find SOME WAY to get her half to them so they can combine the two halves and open the rift for them to get back through. If only there were SOME way for messages from the past to travel to the future. In the present, Gwen is wandering the halls telling Ianto and Owen that she heard music earlier so if she can hear them maybe they can hear her. To support this theory, she shouts their names down an empty hallway and Tosh, in 1941, turns in that direction, baffled and tells Jack that she could have sworn she just heard someone say her name. In the hub, Owen basically repeats what Tosh just said about combining the equation so they can open the rift. Ianto points out that half of it is missing. Owen thinks he's just not looking in the right place. Ianto's like yeah, it's probably in her laptop, which she never leaves behind. "Shit," Owen concludes. Tosh and Jack find an empty office which, according to the nameplate, belongs to Bilis Manger. Terrible name. Tosh turns on her laptop, which promptly informs her that her battery is very low. Jack - ever the master of the obvious - tells her to just take down everything she has in case it dies completely. She scribbles as fast as she can with a fountain pen, trying to read around the continually flashing low battery message. Aren't computers wonderful? Chrissy: Yeah. I especially love the noise they make when they're dropped from a great distance. Jack reads it out loud to her and they just get the last letter before the computer snaps off. She babbles something about coordinates and "waveform equation" as she stuffs it into her purse. She is interrupted when the creepy doorman shows up in the doorway suddenly and demands to know who they are and what they are doing in his office. Jack goes to introduce himself and almost trips over the name. At least he didn't try anything too creative. I read somewhere that it's easier to remember false names if you keep the first letter or two the same. Chrissy: No you didn't. You saw it in a Harrison Ford movie just before you pulled the name "Diandra" out of your ass. Diandra: I thought I was being creative. And hey, thanks for just blurting out that Diandra isn't my real name right there. Chrissy: Oh, please. I would think that would be obvious by now. According to the Internet, you don't exist. Unless you have some sort of secret life as a porn star in England. Diandra: ....I'm not saying anything. Anyway. creepy guy intoduces himself as "Bilis, the manager" and notes that "James" is not in full uniform. Jack says he's on 48 hour leave. Tosh suddenly notices the camera Bilis put down on the desk is some sort of steampunk polaroid. She notes that it's...um...interesting. Bilis confirms that it takes pictures instantly. Tosh says she didn't know they could do that...yet. Bilis retorts that he didn't know they made attache cases out of metal either and looks pointedly at the laptop she still has clutched to her chest. The clock in the corner chimes and he announces that he should be getting back because "they're coming for us now." He waits for Jack and Tosh to leave the room before opening a drawer in his desk and pulling out a folder that says "Torchwood" across the front. Okay, that explains the camera and any other weird shit in his office. Chrissy: It does? Is he Jack from the future or something? Diandra: Wasn't it established earlier on this show that Torchwood has been around since the late 1800s? Chrissy: It was? I must have been drunk when we did that episode. Diandra: Queen Victoria originally established Torchwood for reasons that aren't completely clear even if you've seen the episode it happened in. She might have been bipolar. At least in Whoverse. So in the present, Gwen is standing outside, glaring at the front of the building when Bilis - totally unaged and just as creepy as ever - suddenly shows up behind her. He explains that he's the caretaker and asks if he can help. Chrissy: He's a vampire! Run! Diandra: Well, I actually wouldn't rule that out as that bipolar personality of Queen Victoria's might have been brought on by a werewolf bite. Chrissy: ...are you shitting me right now? Diandra: Why would I make that up? Gwen asks if he could open all the doors inside because they're locked and she thinks some of her friends might be trapped in there somewhere. Bilis probably knows who she's looking for and therefore knows goddamn well that opening some doors isn't going to help, but he goes to do it anyway. "Pearl Harbor, Jack," Tosh hisses as they make their way back to the main hall. He points out that it's January and that didn't happen until December. She says her grandfather was in London when it happened, but he was still persecuted. Jack is too busy staring at RealJack to really pay attention to this conversation. She raises her voice to get his attention. "If I stay stuck here, what will happen to me?" Jack focuses long enough to promise that he'll take care of her. She points out that he fits in to the period really easily. "Have you been here before?" Oh, a couple times. Seriously, go see if there's a spaceship parked next to Big Ben. He says he can't explain the details, but he served in the war in 1941. He was undercover, which is why he used RealJack's name. And never stopped using it? Wait...when was this in his timeline? Because he was already using that name when he was first introduced on a “Doctor Who” trip to 1941 and he already had the coat and didn't seem to be serving in the military. I know he was time traveling before he met the Doctor, but how many times can he possibly have come back to the same damn year and managed to not fuck everything up? "Who were you before you took his name," Tosh asks. Jack just stares at RealJack and says nothing. Chrissy: We're never gonna find out what his real name is then? Diandra: Nope. It's kind of a thing they inherited from “Doctor Who”. There always has to be a character so mysterious nobody even knows his damn name. Tosh gives up and asks why he picked *Jack's* name then. Jack says it was just convenient, seeing as RealJack is going to die in battle tomorrow. And if you remember, this was actually mentioned already in the very first episode of this show when Gwen was trying to track Jack down. The only person with that name went missing during the Blitz and was presumed dead. Because Russell T. Davis has an uncanny ability to at least make it *look* like he planned every single detail of his plots well in advance. Tosh sidles up to a group of men that includes RealJack, the meathead who was dancing with her earlier and a kid who looks barely old enough for military service and asks who the best navigator is. Meathead points to the kid and she pulls him aside to "chat". Back in the present...future...21st century. Bilis leads Gwen into a dark, damp basement. I’m pretty sure this is how a lot of murder plots begin. She waves the flashlight around a bit and he asks why her friends were here in the first place. “Just a silly dare,” she lies. “Someone said it was haunted.” Bilis ignores the fact that Gwen - and therefore most likely her friends as well - is obviously too old to be playing juvenile gags like that and offers to make her a cup of tea. Because that is the British answer to literally everything. Chrissy: Well, to be fair, Americans treat coffee pretty much the same way. Diandra: And, in some cases, alcohol. Chrissy: That might just be us. 1941. “You must have seen some action,” Meathead says to Jack. Oh, don’t go there. Please don’t. You’ll be here all night. Meathead, who is obviously still green around the gills and all bluster, says he can’t wait to get up to those front lines and kill him some Nazis. He brags about how many people RealJack killed in the Battle of Britain. RealJack looks embarrassed and tries to redirect. Meathead says RealJack hasn’t lost a man yet. RealJack offers to get Jack a drink to escape. While he’s up at the bar, a woman appears and says she knows this is supposed to be a guy’s night out or whatever, but she just wanted to check on him. RealJack kind of looks shyly back at Jack and says yeah, that’s fine. Back in 2006 or so, Bilis leads Gwen into the same office we saw earlier and asks if anyone is expecting her back anytime soon. Seriously, he is throwing up red flags all over the place here. She says yes, actually. Good girl. He says she should call them before they think she’s disappeared too, then disappears to start the tea kettle. Gwen taps her Bluetooth and asks if the boys have found anything. Ianto says there’s no pictures of Jack and Tosh after that one night, which is probably encouraging. Owen says yeah, unless the bombs killed them. Well, aren’t you just a ray of sunshine these days? Ianto ignores this and says the building manager – Bilis Manger – kept the pictures for “posterity”. Gwen gapes at the name plate on the desk in the office and says that’s the name of the caretaker she’s been talking to. But it can’t be the same guy, obviously, since he’s not old enough. “Although he does look a bit out of his time. He wears a cravat.” Ianto looks at the pictures he has of Bilis – wearing a cravat in all of them – and concludes that it IS the same guy. Really? That’s pretty weak. They couldn’t have at least had one of them send a picture to the other’s phone so they could verify that it was the same person or something? Owen jumps up and barks that Bilis is the answer to this because he’s apparently come through the rift and Gwen should find out more. Ianto yelps that no, she should get out of there now and wait for backup. They argue for a bit as Owen repeats that he is obviously the key and they could lose him and Ianto points out that they could lose GWEN because for all they know this guy is the reason Jack and Tosh are in the 40s in the first place. “He could be sucking us back through time one by one.” Not unless the weeping angels took a massive evolutionary step. Chrissy: The what? Diandra: Never mind. Ianto orders her to leave. Owen asks who the fuck put him in charge. Chrissy: Jack, probably. Diandra: Outside of the bedroom, he means. Chrissy: Oh. Never mind. Gwen apparently decides Ianto has a point and backs from the room. 1941. Jack finds Tosh in the corner folding the paper with the equation on it into her purse. Her talk with the navigator has helped her complete her half. She says now she just needs to find a way to leave the message for the rest of the team that will stay preserved for the next 70 years. They start heading up the stairs for some reason when the bitchy woman who called Tosh a Jap earlier cuts her off. She sneers that she hasn’t seen them around here before and why is she talking to their navigator? Is she a spy? Some dumbbell nearby says he thought the Chinese were on their side. Tosh corrects him: she’s Japanese. For fuck’s sake, Tosh. You couldn’t at least pretend to be Korean? Oh, wait...no, maybe that wouldn’t be better. Bitchy keeps pushing, demanding to know what Tosh has in her bag and trying to rip it from her arm. Jack finally jumps in to explain that she can’t tell them anything because – as a decoder for the British military – her work is top secret. RealJack jumps in to help him defuse the situation by shoving one of the glasses in his hands at Jack and making a toast to Tosh because without people like her in intelligence they would be totally screwed. Tosh pulls Jack barely to the side and says she wants to try using Bilis’ camera. Jack goes to follow her up the stairs but RealJack protests that he can’t run out on him again. “I just got you a drink.” Tosh looks at them like “whatever. This was bound to happen eventually”, says she’s fine on her own and scampers up the stairs. The Jacks start making small talk and barely get two sentences in before the woman who was talking to RealJack earlier buts in to ask if she can join them. Chrissy: I think you can just refer to her as RealJack’s beard. Diandra: Thank you. Tosh is snapping a picture of the formula when Bilis sneaks up on her again. She babbles that she was just...um...trying it out. “This little beauty is very unusual and rare,” he murmurs. “Not unlike like yourself.” She blinks at him for a minute, then starts to run from the room, nearly forgetting the original formula. Yeah, I’m sure he has that effect on most people. Owen lifts one of the panels of grating in the floor and starts futzing with the mess of wires underneath while Ianto just stands to the side and asks what the hell he thinks he’s doing. Owen says something about improvising with the rift manipulator. Ianto says that’s risky enough if they HAVE the equation. Without it, they have no idea what will happen. Owen points out that Jack and Tosh are stuck in the middle of the goddamn Blitz and could potentially be killed if they don’t do something to try to get them out. Yep, keep rehearsing your excuse that way and you can pretend you DON’T have an ulterior motive, Owen. Gwen is walking back through the ballroom when she is distracted by the sound of Jack and RealJack laughing in the distance. There’s a creepy little moment where she has her head turned and a dancing couple dressed in 1940s wardrobe go spinning behind her, disappearing like the ghosts they basically are the minute she turns. Ianto is still trying to convince Owen that opening the rift is a bad idea because they have no idea what will be sucked through in either direction. He finally brings up the elephant in the room: “This is about Diane, isn’t it? When will you accept that she chose to leave you?” Owen is like ‘oh, because your girlfriend totally wouldn’t have skipped out on you if she hadn’t been plugged in to the machinery in the basement’. Ianto growls that that was different. Owen’s like yeah, it was. Diane wasn’t a half metal monster who tried to kill the whole team. Ianto says he thought Lisa was still in there somewhere and he loved her. “You only knew Diane for a week!” Owen says yeah, and that wasn’t enough, so BACK OFF. He starts messing with wires inside the giant central post of the hub and, after only a minute, announces that it isn’t working. Ianto’s like ‘good, because this is still a horrible idea.’ Owen concludes that there’s a piece missing and goes running off to figure out what it is or something but Ianto grabs him and suggests he go home. Owen laughs like ‘you’re not the boss of me’, then gives up. “Okay, we’ll play it your way. Safe and boring.” Chrissy: Yep. Safe and boring. He totally doesn’t have a closet full of whips and chains just waiting for Jack to show interest. Nope. Diandra: I...okay, how do you expect me to continue recapping if you put images like that in my head? Chrissy: I have no idea what you’re talking about. 1941. The Jacks and the Beard are sitting at a table again. RealJack asks what Jack’s next mission is. Getting into your pants, probably. Jack suggests that that’s classified. RealJack’s Beard goes to leave. RealJack says he has to stay and she reminds the audience that he’s leaving tomorrow. He kisses her on the cheek and promises to get in touch with her the next time he has leave. Then he reveals that he basically just met her by thanking her for the past few weeks. I suppose that means that the whole theme of this episode is whirlwind relationships and the time spent together is less important than how that time is used, but really it’s pretty obvious that she’s just here to suggest that RealJack is straight even though he’s basically been sort of awkwardly flirting with Jack in every scene so far. She leaves and RealJack sits back down. Jack looks at him like “what the fuck was that, dude?” and asks if that’s really all the goodbye he’s giving her. RealJack mumbles something about having to “look after my men” tonight. Jack’s like ‘fuck that. You need to go after her.’ “Anything can happen tomorrow.” RealJack laughs that they’re just doing a routine training exercise so it’s not likely he’s gonna die tomorrow. I half expect to see a black cat fall off a ladder through a mirror in the background. Chrissy: That’s not...ugh. I am thisclose to putting a lifetime ban on you using clichés. Jack insists that he doesn’t KNOW what could happen tomorrow and he really needs to go over there and kiss her goodbye. RealJack looks at him like ‘dude, that look in your eyes is starting to creep me out’, slugs down the rest of his drink and chases after the girl. He kisses her and she whispers an “I love you” in his ear. Our Jack gets a look like he’s decided this was the whole reason he was brought here: to give the guy whose name he took some sort of closure before he died. He doesn’t notice that RealJack is looking at him like ‘oh, fuck you.’ He marches back to the table, grabs his hat and growls that he just made things worse because “now she thinks she’s in love with me.” He marches off, Jack chasing after him, rambling that this is hardly his fault and he can drop the act he puts on in front of the rest of his men because it’s okay to be scared. RealJack snaps that he’s a CAPTAIN, damnit, and he needs to “keep his head”, which I guess translates to having no human emotions whatsoever because...he’s a guy. Jack says a captain should be realistic and honest about the risks his men are facing. RealJack snaps and starts ranting about a kid he saw die on a previous mission – listening to him cry for his mother when he was shot in the face and then watching his plane go down in pieces. Jack couldn’t possibly understand what that was like. Jack’s like, yeah, actually he grew up in a warzone and he and his best friend got caught crossing over into enemy territory and they tortured his friend to death in front of him. Wow. Okay, well, that explains the reluctance to talk about his pre- Jack Harkness life, but...where would this story make any sort of sense coming from an American on 20th century Earth? I thought you were supposed to be keeping a low profile, Jack. Chrissy: Future Earth sounds lovely so far. Diandra: He’s not from Earth. Chrissy: Wait...what? Diandra: Oh. Right. That hasn’t been mentioned yet has it? He’s from a planet that was colonized by humans in the future. Chrissy: I swear you’re either making some of this shit up or you were pranked by fanfiction writers. Meanwhile, Tosh wraps the Polaroid of the half-formula in the plastic sleeve the birthday card for her grandfather came in and mutters to no one that she hopes the team likes treasure hunts. 21st century when everything changes. Owen runs out on Ianto to go check Bilis’ office on the assumption that he knows something about the rift and maybe he can find some clues there. Gwen is wandering outside again, trying to figure out what Jack and Tosh might do to make contact with them. She finds an electrical box or...something...with the lock busted off, reaches in and pulls out the wrapped Polaroid, now yellowed with age. Well, that was easy. She recites it to Ianto to plug into the computer back in the hub, but he says it isn’t long enough. Something’s missing. In 1941, Tosh realizes this when she notices that part of the equation is out of the frame of the picture. She shoves it into the box where Gwen found it anyway just as an air raid siren blares. She gets back inside to find Jack looking frantically for her while everyone else is running for the bomb shelter/basement. He yanks her in that direction while she babbles that she didn’t get the first part of the equation in the photo. “If they find it, they’ll keep looking, won’t they?” No, they’ll just assume you died and give up, Tosh. Really, this is Gwen we’re talking about here. The woman who has nearly died at least three times trying to save complete strangers (and Ilsa). I think you can trust her to go after a lead on you like a dog with a bone. Owen is in Bilis’ office, which he apparently arrived at in record time and without running into Gwen at all. He paws through drawers for a while until he finds a safe behind the desk covered with a tablecloth. 1941. Bombs are falling outside. The dumbbell who thought Tosh was Chinese is trying the “we could die any minute” line on Bitchy, who totally falls for it and starts making out with him. Tosh searches for something that won’t fade in 70 years time to copy the rest of the equation. She finds a coffee tin that she determines is airtight, cuts her hand on the sharp edge, dips the pencil in her own blood and starts writing the rest of the equation in the greeting card (which luckily is blank). Here’s hoping she had a tetanus shot recently. Maggie Gyllenhal’s doppelganger starts singing again to keep everyone’s mind off the fact that they could die at any minute. Owen gets the safe open, but it’s empty. Then the grandfather clock behind him starts chiming and one of the dozen or so timepieces on the shelf near him starts buzzing an alarm. He opens the grandfather clock and rips a cog-like piece off the pendulum, which we see in a brief expository flash looks like it would fit where the piece of the rift manipulator back in the hub is missing. He runs into Gwen outside, and mutters that he didn’t find any equations so he’s headed back to the hub. She either fails to notice how squirrely he’s acting or she doesn’t care because they’re obviously still pissed at each other. She says she’ll keep looking. Chrissy: What’s that? Gwen failed to notice something? Diandra: Yeah, yeah... Bomb shelter, 1941. RealJack makes his way over to where Jack is standing away from the rest of the group. “Yes. Of course I’m scared,” he says. Was that the question still? I’m so disoriented with all this time jumping. Jack just stares at him...or at least at his lips. Tosh finishes writing and stuffs the card into the can, putting it back where she found it. Because why would anyone throw out an old coffee can they found in an old bomb shelter? Gwen finds the bomb shelter and starts going through the random shit strewn all over, startling for a moment as she hears an echo of the song Not-Maggie-Gyllenhall is singing. Jack and RealJack are still just staring at each other. Bitchy and Dumbbell are on second base and seriously eyeing third because they have apparently forgotten there is a whole crowd of people in the shelter with them – Chrissy: Or they don’t care. It’s not like voyeurism was invented recently. - when the air raid siren goes off again and Bilis turns on the lights and announces they can go back to the party. Tosh comes out of the back room where she hid the can and tells Jack it’s finished. One of the babyface soldiers jumps when he sees her hand covered in blood and offers to get the first aid kit from his van to help her, guiding her out of the shelter. Meathead asks RealJack if he can get him a scotch. RealJack asks if he can have some time alone with “Captain Harper”, actually. Ahem. Meanwhile, Gwen finds the coffee can buried in a corner somewhere and opens it far too easily for something that was supposed to be airtight and – one would assume after 70 years – rusted shut. Mr. Contrivance is on duty this week, I see. Chrissy: I thought it was Ms. Contrivance. Diandra: No, it’s Ms. Exposition Fairy and Mr. Plot Contrivance. They’re going through a bitter divorce, remember? She finds the barely-aged card inside and tells Ianto she found the rest of the equation and it’s written in blood. Owen arrives back in the hub just in time for Ianto to plug the numbers into the computer. He says they need at least three more numbers. How the hell would he know this? Gwen says somebody scratched out the final numbers and we get a little insert of Bilis doing this. Why? Why wouldn’t he just hide the whole damn thing? Why bother saving it in the first place? It’s not like they would notice if the stupid coffee can was missing. I don’t...argh. Then Gwen reads the message Tosh scrawled at the bottom of the card after the equation: “tell my family I love them”. You know, just once I wish somebody would leave a message that said something other than “tell so-and-so I love them”. Chrissy: Like “tell Owen he’s a jackass and the best part of being trapped in the past will be that I won’t have to ever see him again”? Diandra: Something like that I guess. Jack and RealJack are sitting at a table on the balcony overlooking the dance hall where everybody has resumed previous activities as if nothing happened. Because that is something Brits are really good at. RealJack asks why Jack made him kiss that girl. “I just think you should live every night like it’s your last,” Jack says. “Make tonight the best night of your life.” RealJack has apparently sensed something in the whole strangeness of everything Jack has said and done so far as he asks what Jack is really trying to say here. This would be so much quicker if Jack could just say “I’m from the future and you’re going to die soon”, but I suppose that would change history too much. Or some bullshit. Instead, he says RealJack should go to her and forget about whatever duties he thinks he needs to uphold because the men would be fine without him for the night. RealJack stares for a moment, then asks if Tosh is Jack’s woman. No, she’s hung up on some skinny prat for some reason. Chrissy: NOBODY KNOWS WHY. Jack says no he doesn’t have anyone right now. Damnit. Wasn’t Ianto flirting with you, like, two weeks ago? What the hell are you waiting for? Ever hear of taking your own advice? RealJack gives him one last strange look and leaves. Owen puts the piece from the clock into the rift manipulator, ignoring Ianto’s protests that they still don’t have the whole equation. The machine makes a few godawful sputtering noises and stops. Owen starts digging through drawers in Jack’s office, looking for the key to the safe where he keeps all the stuff they’re not supposed to ever use because it’s too dangerous. Ianto yelps that he can’t do that. Owen says he’s second in command, so yes he can. Oh, when did Jack make HIM second in command? Really? “I’m not gonna play with his toys, Ianto!” Chrissy: Good, because nobody wants to see that. Besides, that would be unsanitary. Diandra: [long, slow, blinking stare] Chrissy: Oh, you know you were thinking that. Diandra: [backs away from keyboard and puts her head between her knees, groaning] Chrissy: Now you know how I feel. He finds the password and opens the safe, sorting through all the objects we’ve seen Jack locking in there throughout the season, until he finds the blueprints for the rift manipulator. RealJack finds Jack in a deserted stairway somewhere in the building. Jack asks what the hell he’s doing back already. “This could be your last chance.” RealJack is like yeah...um...I know. “That’s why I came back.” He sits next to Jack and stares at him with that same doe-eyed look he’s been giving Jack since shortly before the air raid. Jack – who must be finally noticing the signals RealJack is giving off - says he’s probably going to have to leave before the night is over. RealJack says they’ll have to make the most of what time they have then and takes his hand. Then an amorous couple come bounding up the stairs and they jump apart like ‘nope, we weren’t doing anything. Nothing suspicious going on here!’ The female half of the couple asks if they can use “lover’s corner” and RealJack stammers that he was just...um...discussing strategies with the captain. Chrissy: I am totally using that as a euphemism from now on. Diandra: I thought you were still using that “fixing the door” one from that Johnny Depp movie. Chrissy: Yeah, well, any excuse to think about Johnny Depp. Jack offers to go somewhere else. RealJack says that won’t be necessary since “you told me all I need to know” and leaves. Dude. Totally getting mixed signals here. Back in the present/future/whatever Ianto has concluded that Bilis wanted them to find the blueprints for the rift machine and this is totally a trap. Owen asks why the hell he would do that. Ianto’s like ‘duh, to open the rift and create complete chaos and destruction’. No, really, why? Did I miss the part where we found out Bilis is one of those villains who wants to destroy the planet because he’s evil and unintelligent enough to not think through the negative side effects of destroying the planet (mainly, that you depend on it to live). Ianto points out that all the reports about music coming from the dance hall were anonymous. How do they know it wasn’t Bilis trying to lure them out there? That’s a hell of a long con. Chrissy: In which case, I would think that would be Suzie’s domain. Diandra: Who? Chrissy: *sigh* Ilsa. You really need to stop that. Owen says he’s tired of “being in awe of the rift” and “living with Jack’s secrets”. Chrissy: So they don’t even know what the rift is or how it works? Diandra: It’s a rip in the space-time continuum. What more is there to understand? I would think a third grader could tell you that messing with that is probably a bad idea. Ianto grapples with him for a while, although I’m not sure what he thinks that will accomplish. Somehow, even though he probably has a good thirty pounds (all of it muscle) on Owen, this ends with him on the ground groaning and gasping after having been kicked a few times. Tosh finds Jack moping at one end of the dance hall. He tells her the details of what history says will happen tomorrow. It was supposed to be a routine training exercise, but they will be surprised by “two formations of Messerschmitts” and RealJack will take down three of them before suddenly going radio silent. He won’t be able to bail out for some reason and his whole plane will catch fire but everyone else will make it back to base, so he will have died heroically saving their asses. Ianto – having finally ruled out reasoning and begging as strategies for getting through to Owen – hauls out a gun and threatens to shoot Owen if he doesn’t stop this. Chrissy: Feel free to keep going, Owen. Back in 1941, Jack and Tosh are now sitting at a table for some reason and he’s telling her he used to be a conman, so it was easy for him to steal RealJack’s identity. Tosh – apparently having learned that she is never going to get any more information about who he used to be and given up trying – asks how he ended up at Torchwood. Jack answers this with this cryptic nonsense: “Someone saved my life. Brought me back from death. And ever since then it’s been like they’re keeping me for something and I don’t know what it is.” I’m going to go ahead and assume that the real answer would take too long and isn’t really relevant to this show’s cannon because...seriously, what? Chrissy: The person that saved him knew he was critical to some future plot that would require him to be working at Torchwood? Diandra: The person who saved him wasn’t even...you know what? They’re right. There’s no way you can go into that can of worms and come out sane. Chrissy: Seriously. Stop with the clichés. It’s painful to listen to. Jack apologizes for dragging Tosh into this. She points out that it was totally her choice so it’s not his fault. He gets teary-eyed and promises again that he’ll keep her safe, but there’s nothing he can do for RealJack. Tosh looks sympathetic and holds his hand. Ianto says Owen needs to let Diane go, just like he let Lisa go. Owen scoffs at Ianto comparing himself to him. “You’re just a tea boy.” Ianto says he’s more than just a damn tea boy: Jack NEEDS him, damnit. “In your dreams, Ianto,” Owen sneers. “In your sad wet dreams when you’re his part-time shag maybe.” I feel the need to point out that I totally did not make that up just now. Also: part-time? Ianto cocks the gun. Owen says the rift took his lover (who he only knew for days) and his captain (who he just admitted he barely knows at all), so he’s perfectly willing to die trying to beat the odds here because it will have been “in the line of duty”. Well, I guess that makes about as much sense as half of the things that are done under that guise. They stare at each other for a minute. Then Owen goes to put the...whatever that thing is he got from Bilis’ clock into the rift machine and Ianto shoots him in the shoulder. Chrissy: Have I mentioned I love Ianto? Diandra: Yeah, yeah... It’s not enough to stop him though as he gets the piece settled and the machine roars to life. Back in 1941, Not-Maggie is singing about falling in love with somebody she just met at a dance at the Ritz and RealJack is staring at Jack from across the floor. If you look carefully, I think you can actually see all subtlety literally fly out one of the windows in the background. RealJack finally gives in and marches over, taking Jack by the hand and silently leading him out onto the floor. Basically everyone stops what they were doing to stare. If this were modern times I would totally expect them to shrug and go about their business like nothing happened because they’re British and they just don’t get their underwear in a bundle over the shit we Americans do. But this is the 40s. This whole keeping a low profile thing has basically been shot all to hell. But putting all of that aside...they are adorable. They’re both kind of leaning on each other and looking like they might cry and it’s just so sweet. They pull back for a moment, stare at each other and then lean in to kiss and...a bright light explodes from the other end of the dance floor and Tosh jumps up shrieking “Jack, we need to get out!” Tosh, honey. I love you. You are my favorite of all the characters on this show. So I say this in the nicest way possible: shut the fuck up and go away. Everyone else seems to be frozen and completely unaware of the bright light except Jack, Tosh and RealJack. Jack, who is now definitely crying, says he has to go because...duty. Oh, whatever. You can’t die. You could totally stay and meet up with the rest of the team when the 21st century comes around again. Chrissy: Why? He just said RealJack is going to die in less than 24 hours. Diandra: Can’t you just let me be a hopeless romantic for a minute here? Chrissy: You? A hopeless romantic? Ms. Why-Get-Married- if-I’d-Probably-Just-Get-Divorced-Again? Diandra: Oh, shut up. RealJack looks stricken, but stands back as Jack goes to follow Tosh. And because he apparently is capable of taking his own advice, he gets all of two steps before going back and kissing RealJack like one of those romance novel heroes trying to convey just how INTENSELY PASSIONATE he is through a kiss alone. And Jesus Fucking Christ is it hot. Chrissy: Would you like me to take over for a minute? Diandra: No, I’m fine. Chrissy: It’s just that I’m not sure you are fully aware of the fact that you have now watched this thirty- second scene approximately seven times and you’ve been holding your breath every time. You’re starting to turn a little blue. Diandra: I’m fine. Chrissy: Do you need me to hose you down or something? Diandra: I said I’m FINE. Where was I? Right. Jack follows Tosh, turning to look at RealJack one last time as the people in the dance hall start disappearing. RealJack straightens and salutes him... Chrissy: With his hand. Diandra: Must you ruin the moment? ...and disappears as well. Jack and Tosh run into the light, presumably right back into the present where there is a weird shot of Bilis walking toward the camera and smiling creepily. Was he right behind them or something? Okay, can we talk about the ramifications of what just happened for a minute? As far as anyone in that dance hall saw, some guy they’d never seen before just disappeared into thin air after dancing – and nearly making out with – one of their captains, who now has a little more than a hunch that he’s going to die tomorrow. How did that not change something? I mean, I’m assuming everyone in 1941 didn’t just instantly forget that Jack and Tosh were even there. Otherwise, what was the point? Chrissy: Maybe they did. The important thing is that Jack and Tosh remember, but RealJack doesn’t have to. Right? Diandra: Aren’t the pictures still there? Chrissy: I don’t know. Are they? I’m pretty sure Bilis could have cleaned up any traces and Retconed everyone. Diandra: Oh. Right. Let’s just assume that’s what happened. Gwen is sitting in the car when Jack and Tosh come out the front door, Jack’s coat reappearing out of fucking nowhere as far as I can tell. She leaps out and runs to hug them both, babbling excitedly about how goddamn happy she is to have them back. Jack sort of laughs, but the minute she turns her back he looks back at the dance hall longingly. Hub. Tosh is acting as nurse while Owen patches up his bullet wound himself, glaring at Ianto the whole time and muttering about how he KNEW they did the right thing when they opened the rift because hey, the world didn’t end and they saved Jack and Tosh after all. “Good job you’re a crap shot,” he mutters. Ianto snaps that he was actually AIMING for his shoulder. Jack walks by, dragging a cloud of moodiness behind him. Tosh puts down the medical equipment she was holding and follows him into his office. Jack hands her a glass of whatever liquor he keeps on his desk. She says RealJack would have been “proud” that Jack took his name because, you know, he’s a hero. She holds up her glass and says “to Captain Jack.” Jack smiles a little and repeats her toast. And then presumably drowns his sorrows in the rest of the bottle after the screen fades to black and Tosh leaves. Chrissy: Really? We’re never even going to get a hint about what his real name is? Diandra: Malcolm Merlyn. Chrissy: Yeah, nice try. I watch “Arrow” too. Diandra: Eh. Worth a shot.