"Doctor Who, episode 3x14: The Sound of Drums" Starring: David Tennant, Freema Agyeman, John Barrowman, John Simm Previously on “Doctor Who”, I attempted to summarize nearly fifty years of a cult sci-fi and Chrissy found her inner pervert. Chrissy: Hehe...inner. Diandra: Stop it! And I’m just going to go ahead with this episode because there are no actual previouslies. A wormhole...time vortex...thing appears in a back alley somewhere in London or Cardiff (they’re used sort of interchangeably on these shows so I’m not really sure without any other clues). The Doctor, Jack and Martha fall out kind of clinging to each other and stumble for a bit looking disoriented. Chrissy: I’m pretty sure Jack actually had his leg around the Doctor. Diandra: Wouldn’t be the first time. The Doctor growls that time travel without some sort of capsule is a “killer”. Jack cracks his neck grossly and... ...and they’re calmly strolling down a street by the time he notes that at least they seem to have made it back to 21st century Earth. The time lapses on these shows drive me crazy. Chrissy: Er. Crazier. Than usual. Diandra: I’m so glad you’re able to take time out of your busy schedule to come here and share insights like that. Chrissy: Me too. Diandra: That was sarcasm. Chrissy: I know. Jack thinks they were lucky to land in the right place. The Doctor mutters that it wasn’t luck and we get a flashback of him barking at Jack to “hold still”, damnit, while he waves his sonic over the Vortex Manipulator/wrist strap. Well, gee, Doctor, he’s only trying to hold off the horde of Thunderdome rejects trying to KILL YOU, but whatever. Go ahead and be cranky about it. He grabs Martha’s hand, placing it on Jack’s arm and they all disappear from Yana’s lab. “The moral is,” Jack is saying in the present. “If you’re going to get stuck at the end of the universe, get stuck with an ex- Time Agent and his vortex manipulator.” Martha, who arrived at the end of the universe with a Time Lord in a TIME MACHINE, says yeah yeah, whatever, what are we going to do about the fact that The Master has the TARDIS? “He could be anywhere.” The Doctor says no, he’s definitely here. Martha asks who the hell this guy is anyway because that voice at the end there wasn’t Derek Jacobi. Oh, right. She only vaguely knows how the regeneration thing works if she was paying attention in the last episode. Which she probably wasn’t because they were talking about Rose and she was too busy being jealous. Jack explains the process to her again in very general terms while The Doctor focuses on a homeless guy tapping a four-beat rhythm on his tin cup. I guess as establishing plot details goes this is effective because 99% of the audience already knows what the hell regeneration is even if they just started watching one episode back so it’s just in the dialogue to establish how Martha will know what it is. So we can focus on that four beat rhythm as establishing part of the actual exposition. At least until Martha asks how the hell they’re supposed to find the guy if he’s a completely different person now and they don’t know what he looks like. The Doctor insists that he’ll recognize him anyway. Because Time Lords always recognize each other no matter what they look like. You know, unless they use a chameleon whatchamathingy to make themselves human. Or until Steven Moffat takes over this series and fucks with everything Russel T. Davis established. Wait...do humans with regenerative capabilities count? Chrissy: Oh, dear God, do I even want to know what the hell you’re talking about now? Diandra: It’s not important. Since I already know Steven gunked up every detail having to do with regeneration, let’s just assume it’s the second option and call it a day. Martha’s attention kind of wanders as she looks around at all the Vote Saxon signs and notes that she missed the election and you don’t suppose... Everyone turns to one of the TV screens set up in the square where a news anchor is announcing that Harold Saxon has just returned to his headquarters from Buckingham Palace and is “greeting the crowds”. And yep, the camera zooms in on John Simm smiling at the pretty housewife on his arm and Martha reminds us that she SAID she recognized that voice from somewhere. For anyone stuck in the slow lane, The Doctor spells it out: that’s the Master and he is somehow the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Because of course he is. And this is where this show really excels no matter who is in charge of it: plots so complicated that it takes a whole season or more to bring all the pieces together. “Vote Saxon” posters were showing up in the background of several episodes the entire season leading up to this (including the ones I noted in an episode of “Torchwood”) like Easter eggs. Martha mentioned that there was an election coming up in her very first episode, I believe. And the little loophole that would hide a Time Lord anywhere in time and space by making him human was introduced midway through the season. All of this adds up to the old time travel conundrum of “you obviously already set this plot in motion because there’s plenty of evidence even though you couldn’t have known that would happen because for you it hadn’t happened yet.” Chrissy: And that is why you can’t kill your own grandfather. Diandra: Exactly. Wait...what? Unfortunately, that also means that stopping these next few lines of groan-inducing dialogue is apparently out of the question. Master Harold Saxon steps up to the microphones the press is waving in his face, opens his mouth and the following mind-numbing stupidity comes tumbling out: “This country has been sick. This country needs healing. This country needs medicine. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that what this country really needs...right now............ is a Doctor.” OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KILL ME NOW. Was that really necessary? I mean really? Luckily, this is when the credits roll, so there’s plenty of time to start drinking just in case the rest of the dialogue in this episode is that bad. Chrissy: Oh, were we supposed to wait until now to start? Oops. So Master Saxon is walking down the hallway of a set I’m pretty sure this show has used before as 10 Downing Street while people shove folders with budgets, expenditures and crap in his arms. Yeah, see this is why villains become evil in the first place: so they don’t have to deal with this shit. Or maybe that’s Libertarians I’m thinking of. Chrissy: What is it called when you follow Ayn Rand’s philosophies? Diandra: A mental illness. Chrissy: Yeah, I’m not sure being a selfish whiner is a diagnosable disorder. Diandra: It should be. He stops outside a door and wifey simpers that she’s SO PROUD of him. Also, she calls him Harry. He kisses her in a way that would make Tipper Gore blush. Seriously, he’s like...jamming his tongue in her mouth and nothing else. And then because there haven’t been enough people with names so ridiculous their parents should probably have been sued for emotional damages, Gugu Mbathu (aka: Black Sydney Bristow) arrives. I almost forgot she played Martha’s sister. I also forgot she was British. She exposits that she’s sort of...new here so she’s not exactly sure what she’s supposed to be doing. Whoever hired her should obviously be fired if she can’t go to them with that question. Oh, right. She’s asking for the benefit of the audience, which is also why she has to introduce herself as Tish to him. He slimily says she should just “stand there and look gorgeous”. I’m guessing somebody missed the sexual harassment in the workplace seminar. As he enters the full conference room, he yammers about how nice a day it is and how lovely it was of Russell T. Davis to have Downing Street restored to exactly as it was before the Doctor and Rose blew it up a couple years ago. “Let the work of Government begin,” he announces, throwing all the folders up in the air and grinning as the paper flutters all over the room. Everyone stares at him and he complains about them not having a sense of humor. Some guy he calls Albert forces a smile like ‘if it will ensure you don’t do that again, whatever’ and asks if they can get down to business now because there’s this policy matter that... Master Saxon says before they do that he just wants to thank them all. “You ugly fat faced bunch of wet, sniveling traitors.” Oh, honey, your Babel Fish is broken. What you meant to say was “fuck you”. Albert dismisses this as another joke and tries to move on again. Master Saxon says no, that wasn’t meant to be funny so maybe he needs to clarify a little. He then proceeds to show them through exaggerated smiles and scowls what “funny” and “not funny” looks like. No, he says he really does think they are traitors because they all abandoned their former parties the minute they saw the vote was going his way. Um...welcome to Earth politics. No, it doesn’t make much sense and most of it doesn’t involve much honor. Anywhoodle, he says he wants to reward them for it. Then he puts on a gas mask and patiently takes the time to answer the inevitable ‘what is that and why are you wearing it’ question before the little gas bombs on the table pop open and spray everybody. As everyone is choking and falling over, Albert gasps that “Harry” is “insane”. Master Saxon grins and gives him a double thumbs-up, then starts tapping that same four beat rhythm on the table. Apparently the random drumming from last episode has become this repeating dit-dit-dit-dah dit-dit-dit- dah (or, for those who understand Morse code: vvvvvvvvv). Martha’s place. Martha rummages for some sort of computer the Doctor can use and the Doctor asks Jack who the hell he thinks he’s calling because he can’t tell anyone where they are. Jack, cell phone firmly attached to his ear, simpers that he was just trying to reach some friends for non-work-related reasons and it doesn’t matter anyway because they’re not answering. Couldn’t afford to do a full crossover yet, huh? He gives up and grabs the laptop Martha holds up, offering to show the Doctor the sites for Harold Saxon. He says he’s been around for a long time. Martha is marveling at the logistics of time travel because the election was supposed to be four days after she first met the Doctor. Yeah, that time-travel jet lag is a doozy. The Doctor grumbles that the Master was “here” the whole time. Doesn’t this kind of poke holes in his “I would totally recognize him” theory? I mean...if he had to be on Earth in the present long enough to establish a fictional life and run a political campaign how could the Doctor not have seen his face at some point in the eleventy times he’s been to this period? Martha wants to know who this “Master” is, exactly, but the Doctor insists that all she needs to know is that name and the fact that he’s a Time Lord. Martha rolls her eyes and goes to check her phone messages. She listens to approximately thirty seconds of a message from her sister excitedly telling her she just got this job offer out of the blue suddenly before pounding the stop button and grumbling “like it matters.” Because Martha is too important to be concerned with little things like whatever is going on in her sister’s life. Also, she’s a terrible sister. Obviously. Chrissy: Yeah, you would never do something like that to your sister, would you? Diandra: Who? Oh...right. The ignored sister is currently trying to explain to a heavily made up middle-aged woman that she can’t go into Saxon’s office. The woman just hands her an article describing Saxon as the “modern day Churchill” and keeps walking. Wasn’t Churchill barely liked and only because there was a war going on and not liking him was an unpopular opinion? Sort of a “yes, he’s an asshole, but at least he’s on our side” thing? Chrissy: Yeah, us Yanks wouldn’t know anything about that. Diandra: Shh, the NSA might be listening. Chrissy: I don’t think anybody cares what we think of previous administrations anymore. Diandra: Oh, well in that case... Tish chases after this woman, telling her for no particular reason that she’s new. The woman says whatever, she’s here to see Mrs. Saxon and just barges into a sitting room, announcing herself to Wifey as Vivien Rook of the Sunday Mirror. Wifey says it’s been a long day and she’d like very much if she could just have an hour of not being pestered by reporters. Vivien ignores her plea, calls her Lucy because I guess English reporters are just as overly familiar and annoying as American business people and says she just needs twenty minutes to interview her for an article about Britain’s First Lady. She promises it will be a front-page story and Lucy caves. Vivien shoves her coat at Tish and tells her to get lost. Tish protests that she’s supposed to stay if there’s going to be an interview, but Vivien insists that it’s just a “profile piece” – total fluff. Which is completely the opposite of what you were just telling Lucy, but go ahead and assume Tish is a moron. “Mrs. Saxon, I have reason to believe that you are in very great danger,” Vivien says the minute she shoves Tish outside and slams the door. In fact, she thinks the whole human race might be in danger. Lucy laughs, but Vivien insists that “Harry” isn’t who he says he is and everything she thinks she knows to be true is a lie. Meanwhile, The Doctor is watching a campaign video featuring several celebrities and politicians endorsing Harold Saxon. Not only is the Master’s picture featured in the corner of the page, but the Master himself is in the video, grinning beside some woman I would probably recognize if I followed British politics. Like I said: I don’t see how the Doctor couldn’t have noticed this until now if he supposedly recognizes his own kind. Jack explains that “Harold Saxon” was a former Minister of the Defense and gained recognition for shooting down Shelob...sorry, the Racnoss on Christmas Eve. “Nice work, by the way,” Jack tosses at the Doctor. Yeah, I don’t remember exactly what happened in that episode because I’m basically programmed to tune out giant-spider-related nonsense, but I’m pretty sure the Doctor did at least 90% of the work in saving the day on that one and the other 10% was Donna reigning him in before he got himself killed. Chrissy: So “Saxon” arrived at the eleventh hour to blow the shit out of something that probably didn’t need blowing up because the battle was basically over and he took all the credit for winning? He really is a politician. Diandra: I was going to say “how American of him”, but that works too. Martha reaches over to scroll through a bunch of pictures, noting that “Harold Saxon” goes back years: he graduated from Cambridge, won some sort of athletics thing (her words, not mine) and wrote a book before getting married and going into politics. At Downing Street, Vivien is telling an increasingly distressed Lucy that all of that evidence of Harold Saxon’s life is bullshit. His entire life history is a massive forgery right down to the parents listed on his birth certificate. The thing Vivien can’t figure out is why no one can see that it’s all fake because it doesn’t even hold up to a simple background check. She didn’t even have to dig that hard to figure out his entire life history is a lie. “It’s as if he’s mesmerized the entire world.” He didn’t actually exist until 18 months ago just after “the downfall of Harriet Jones”, aka the Prime Minister who pissed off the Doctor by slaughtering the aliens involved in that whole Christmas Day debacle where he lost his hand. Probably not at all coincidentally, this is when the Archangel Network was launched. She holds up an article explaining the Archangel Network as some sort of breakthrough in satellite technology. Lucy, who has been getting increasingly distressed throughout this whole one-sided conversation, begs her to stop but Vivien completely disregards her interruptions. She says she was able to find plenty on Lucy though. Apparently she’s not overly bright which explains a lot of this scene, but she comes from a good family and she’s “essentially harmless” which is why Vivien feels she can take her concerns with Master Saxon to her. Has she seen or heard anything at all that would give her cause to doubt him? Lucy – who seems to have been having an argument in her head this whole time – admits that there was a time when she suspected something wasn’t quite right with him, but he was so good with her father and... Her face hardens. “I made my choice. For better or for worse. Isn’t that right, Harry?” The camera pans over to the Master, who has suddenly appeared in the corner of the room. Vivien gulps but recovers quickly and starts gathering up her things. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have a very good excuse because she lamely claims she was just having a little joke with Lucy here. Master Saxon says oh, but you’re right: Harold Saxon doesn’t exist. He says – and I am only slightly paraphrasing here – that he is the Master and say hello to his little friends. Ginormous metal balls appear suddenly around his head, bleeping and humming. Chrissy: That’s quite the set of balls you have there, sir. Diandra: Might want to get those blinking lights checked by a doctor. I mean shut up, Chrissy. Chrissy: Too late. Lucy apologizes for whatever her husband is about to do. With the big ass balls that he’s showing off to this strange woman. Good christ, please let’s get this scene over with so I can focus again without devolving into a teenage boy! He asks Vivien if she can hear the drums yet because they’re getting closer. One of the balls suddenly blurts that the blonde lady with the briefcase doesn’t seem to like them. The second ball thinks this is ridiculous and they should totally kill her. Knives spring from the balls and they dive at her and the soundtrack is filled with Vivien screaming and a lot of thunking and slicing noises as The Master and Lucy run out the door. Lucy rails at him that this woman KNEW EVERYTHING and he promised that this sort of thing wouldn’t happen. “You said Archangel was 100%.” The Master says eh, well, maybe more like 99 or 98. Certainly no lower than 97. She asks how much time they have. He makes exaggerated sympathy faces and pulls her into a hug. He promises that it will all end tomorrow morning. Jack is making tea in Martha’s tiny kitchen. I love that this is the British answer to everything. Apparently they are in the middle of a debate because he points out that the Master has the TARDIS so it’s possible he could have been here for decades establishing Harold Saxon’s backstory. The Doctor takes the mug Jack hands him and says no, when he was waving the screwdriver at the TARDIS in a seemingly useless gesture he was actually “fusing the coordinates” to make sure it could ONLY travel back and forth between the silo at the end of the universe and this place. Because for whatever reason the TARDIS has a built in safety feature – previously unmentioned as far as I know - that locks it between whatever the last two landing points were. Anything else you’d like to pull out of your ass, Russell T. Davis? Chrissy: Word of advice: don’t ask a gay man that sort of question. Diandra: How did you know he was gay? Chrissy: How did you never see “Queer as Folk”? Jack asks if the Doctor is sure there wasn’t ANY margin of error in his calculations. The Doctor says nope. None. Well, okay, it’s POSSIBLE he’s been here for eighteen months but absolutely no longer. And really, how could he possibly have done all this in eighteen months? He admits that “the Master was always sort of...hypnotic”, but really. Oh, he was, huh? Chrissy: You ever think maybe The Master was secretly in love with The Doctor and they had a falling out before The Master went to the dark side and now his ignored attentions have turned into some twisted sort of hate? Diandra: Isn’t that the backstory JK Rowling gave for Dumbledore and Voldemort? Chrissy: What? That can’t be used here too? Diandra: Good point. Although given everything we’ve learned in the last couple episodes, I’m not sure The Master’s attentions were totally ignored. Maybe there was some other factor getting in the way like...oh, stop distracting me with fanfic ideas! The Doctor isn’t sure how the Master could have hypnotized people on such a massive scale. In answer to his question, Martha blurts that she was going to vote for him before the last season happened because she liked him. The Doctor asks what she liked about him – what sort of platform he ran on. Martha zones out a bit and non-answers that she just thought he sounded so good and trustworthy and she can’t remember exactly what he said but she really liked the sound of his voice. Her fingers begin tapping the dit-dit-dit-dah rhythm repeatedly on the couch she’s sitting on as she’s talking and the Doctor asks what the hell that tapping rhythm is. She’s shaken out of her stupor but obviously has no clue what he’s talking about. Before they can explore this obvious evidence of hypnotic suggestion any further, the computer bleats a notice that Master Saxon is speaking live right now on the TV channels. The Doctor runs to turn it on. The Master is babbling about how small the world was before “they” came falling from the skies. A bunch of clips play, reminding the viewer of all the paranormal bullshit they’ve seen in the past few years: a spaceship smashing Big Ben’s face, “ghosts” (actually Cybermen), the Racnoss star zapping people in the streets. He bemoans the fact that the government never said anything about any of this bullshit. Um...probably because they were just as confused as everybody else. But Harold Saxon promises he won’t do that. In fact, he wants to announce that he has been contacted by beings from another world and would like to share a message meant for all of humanity. He nods at somebody off camera and the image switches to one of those blinking balls. “People of the Earth,” a voice says. “We come in peace.” Yeah, that’s what they all say before they unhinge their jaws and swallow small furry animals whole and zap the shit out of anyone who gets in their way. She continues that they bring gifts of technology and wisdom and protection and all they ask in return is for the humans’ friendship. Uh-huh. Seriously, everyone who saw either version of “V” should be having major flashbacks about now. Back to the Master, who says this species has identified itself as the Toclafane, which the Doctor scoffs at. The Master promises that tomorrow they will reveal themselves to everybody. Chrissy: Yes, tomorrow everybody will catch a glimpse of the Master’s balls. Diandra: I am already regretting going down that road. Chrissy: I’m surprised you avoided the route of him already having been “contacted” - and probed - by life from another planet if you count the Doctor. Diandra: Because I’m really trying to rise above the humor of an adolescent boy here. Chrissy: Since when? The Master says they will begin diplomatic relations immediately. Chrissy: Yeah, I bet you will. Oh, are we talking about the Toclafane again? Never mind. Oh, honey, banging your head on the desk like that isn’t going to help your headache. He rambles on about every person on Earth taking their place in the history of the universe and starts listing job titles like “every teacher and stockbroker and janitor” etc. He puts so much stress on the words “medical student” that everyone in Martha’s apartment jumps. The Doctor spins the television around to reveal a bomb that somehow escaped their notice before and they run, getting clear of the sidewalk just before flames shoot from all the windows with a loud bang. Martha starts frantically dialing her phone because if he knows about her, he might go after the rest of her family right? The Doctor tells her not to tell them anything. She tells him to fuck off because he can’t tell her what to do. Or words to that effect. She reaches her mother, who calmly assures her that everything is just fine and suggests Martha come by the house because she and Martha’s father have been talking and they’re thinking of getting back together. She eyes the woman who is obviously listening in on the call. Martha is a little slow as she scoffs that her mother is being “daft” and “you’d never get back together with him in a million years”. Mum gives up and says here, you can talk to him yourself, handing the phone over to a man on the other side of the table surrounded by what looks like armed government goons. He says if she comes around, they can explain everything to her. She finally gets a clue and tells him to just respond with a yes or a no “is there someone else there?”. Of course the yes or no trick only works if the someone else isn’t already listening to both sides of the conversation, so Dad decides fuck this shit and yells at her to run for her life, running himself and getting almost to the door before he is tackled. There’s a lot of screaming and Mom shrieking about protecting Martha from “him”. Martha hangs up and starts running, saying she has to help them. The Doctor points out that that’s exactly what the Master wants her to do because it’s obviously a trap. She snarls that she doesn’t care, damnit, and jumps in her car. The Doctor and Jack look at each other and jump in after her. Martha’s dad is bundled into an armored police vehicle and the woman who was tapping the phone tells somebody that they have a “Condition Red on the Jones Plan” so they’re just going to take them all in. Mum squeals that she was HELPING them, damnit, as they manhandle her toward the van too. Martha dials Tish via her car’s speakers. Oh, now she cares about her sister. Tish picks up and says she can’t talk right now because they’ve just made contact with the...hey, where the hell do these burly guys think they’re taking me?! She drops the phone and Martha screams at the Doctor that this is ALL HIS FAULT. Which part? Because I’m pretty sure he couldn’t have predicted this whole scenario would come about after he went to the end of the universe by accident and met a man he was pretty certain was dead. They rip around the corner just before the officers can slam the door shut on Mum and she shrieks at Martha to just get the hell out of here as fast as she can run, damnit. The armed goons start firing at the car and Martha – who is not as stupid as she sometimes acts - turns around and drives away in a hail of bullets. She’s still ripping the Doctor a new one over the whole scenario because of all the places in the Universe, he had to ensure that the Master would end up on present day Earth. As opposed to where? Skaro? Qo’nos? Caprica? Chrissy: Asgard? Diandra: Let’s not be completely ridiculous here. Although it could make for an interesting crossover if the Doctor were to meet a bad guy who looks a lot like his previous self. Besides, according to the bullshit rules Russell T. Davis just invented, the only place he could have sent the Master was wherever the TARDIS was last which, if you’ll recall, was a necessary refueling stop on the rift, so...again, literally none of this could have been anticipated. Jack finally cuts the bickering short, instructing her to pull over so they can ditch the car. She finally reaches her brother as they’re running away from the car. I forgot she had a brother. And the Master may have too because he and his family are taking a leisurely stroll through Brighton without a goon in sight. She instructs him to hide – don’t go home, don’t call any of their other family members. He scoffs and she insists that he go to some guy named Boxer’s place and don’t tell anyone where he is. Which will be pretty difficult since the next thing we see is the Master listening to this tapped conversation. The Master, not one for subtlety, obviously, cuts in to tell her as much: it doesn’t matter what she does, he will find her. No matter where she goes. If it takes a thousand years. In a place with no frontiers. Chrissy: Oh, please don’t get that song stuck in my head. Diandra: But I like that song. Chrissy: Yeah, it’s okay, but it reminds me of the cheesefest that was “The Last of the Mohicans”. “Let them go, Saxon,” Martha screams, because that always works in a hostage situation. The Master laughs because humans are obviously entertainingly stupid creatures. The Doctor mercifully rips the phone from her hands so he can talk to the Master himself. And now that my brain is stuck on the idea that they are the sci-fi version of Voldemort and Dumbledore the whole subtext of this conversation is suddenly changed. All the Doctor says is “I’m here” and the Master gets this LOOK on his face, takes the phone off speaker and says “Doctor” in a ridiculously breathy, wobbly voice. Then this happens: Doctor: Master. Master: [sigh][groan] I like it when you use my name. Chrissy: I’d like it better if you were on your knees with your hands bound in leather, but... Diandra: PLEASE don’t make the images in my head any dirtier than they already are right now. I would like to get through this episode without it completely devolving into fanfic porn. Chrissy: Where’s the fun in that? The Doctor points out that the Master chose the name himself and any psychiatrist would have a field day with THAT. The Master points out that he chose his name too: “the man who makes people better. By the way, I’m in desperate need of some doctoring right now.” Wait, scratch that last part. He actually calls it sanctimonious bullshit. My bad. Although he does ask him about his balls because “there’s no such thing as the Toclafane”. The Master confirms that the Toclafane were basically characters in the fairy tales they used to read to kids on Gallifrey. By the way, what happened to Gallifrey? The Doctor says it’s gone, burned and all the other Time Lords are dead, along with most of the Daleks. Except for the part where they keep showing up at least once a season and a whole army of them was involved in the Battle of Canary Wharf because time travel really throws a monkey wrench in things. He asks what happened to the Master. The Master says the Time Lords “resurrected” him because they knew he’d be the perfect warrior for the Time War, so he was there “when the Dalek Emperor took control of the Cruciform”. Chrissy: Please tell me you know what the hell he’s talking about. Diandra: Nobody knows what anybody is talking about the minute it’s put in context of the Time War, remember? If you look up “Cruciform” in the Doctor Who reference databases (because of course they exist), the entire entry consists only of information gleaned from this chunk of dialog along with an apology that nobody can even confirm WHAT it is. He might as well have said “the Flying Spaghetti Monster resurrected me to fight in the Battle of the Orcs and then the King of the Oompa Loompas hopped on a magic carpet to Wonderland.” Chrissy: That might actually make for a hilarious crackfic. Diandra: No. Just...no. Apparently WHATEVER the Cruciform is, the fact that the Dalek Emperor was controlling it so terrified the Master that he ran to the end of the universe and turned himself into a human so they could never find him. Moment of honest confession over, he points out that the Doctor survived the genocide of the Time Lords, which must mean... “I was the only one who could end it,” The Doctor interrupts. He insists he tried everything else and that was the only way. The Master asks how it felt to watch two whole civilizations burn. And because he is a deranged sadist, he switches to a husky bedroom voice as he presses the Doctor to give him all the details. Was it like being a God? Did it give him a tingly feeling in his “screwdriver”? I would like to take this moment to apologize for that last joke and any other tasteless bullshit my brain farts out for the rest of this recap. The Doctor tries to redirect by saying he’s been alone ever since... Chrissy: With his screwdriver. Diandra: STOP IT! I’M SORRY! Chrissy: Has Jack ever had the chance to touch his screwdriver? Diandra: He wishes. I mean SHUT UP! But he’s not alone anymore! “Don’t you see? All we’ve got is each other!” And then the Master says “Are you asking me out on a date?” and I pause for a minute to make sure that was actually in the subtitles and I didn’t just hear it in my head. Chrissy: I would think it would have been much dirtier if it had been. Diandra: I honestly don’t know anymore. This whole scene is so slasherific that I’m starting to think I’ll be lucky to make it to the end without my head exploding. The Doctor says the Master could stop all this right now and they could leave this planet. “We can fight across the constellations if that’s what you want.” Chrissy: Is that the Time Lord equivalent of “Christening” every room in the house? Diandra: YOU’RE NOT HELPING! The Master considers this for about two seconds, then says it’s too late and rambles about the drumming and how it NEVER STOPS. “Can’t you hear it?” He taps it out on the table while he’s talking. The Doctor says he can help him, but the Master is too far gone. He keeps rambling about the drums and suddenly a homeless guy near the Doctor starts slapping the same four-beat rhythm on his lap. The Doctor decides ‘fuck this’ and just starts demanding answers. How is he doing this? What are the “Toclafane”? What is he planning? The Master ignores this and says by the way, he and the other two musketeers are on TV right now. The Doctor peeks in a store window at a television where a news broadcast is flashing pictures of him, Jack and Martha with the words “nationwide hunt for terrorist suspects” who are identified as being “armed and extremely dangerous.” “Oh, and you can tell handsome Jack that I’ve sent his little gang off on a wild goose chase to the Himalayas,” the Master adds as an afterthought. He says they should really start running now and gives an oddly clunky suggestion that he start by turning right to establish that he can see them via the security camera on the building. The Doctor hangs up and tells Jack the Master has control of everything. Jack agrees that they have nowhere to go. Martha asks what the hell they’re supposed to do now. “We run,” the Doctor says. Oh, that’s your answer to everything. Diandra: Dear God, I seriously didn’t think I was going to make it through that scene. Chrissy: Hmm? Sorry, my mind kind of wandered at the words “Handsome Jack” and now I’m picturing the Master asking Jack to hold the Doctor down while he plays with his screwdriver. Diandra: I hate you. We see a series of news reports from Britain, America and China excitedly discussing the Toclafane meeting (with the American president naturally upset that they are contacting the BRITISH government because it implies the US isn’t the center of the world). And then we’re watching a clip from the Teletubbies because it turns out the Master is flipping through channels on a television and THIS is what he chooses to stop on. Centuries from now, historians will remember that show as a contributing factor in the downfall of current civilization. One of the “Toclafane” appears behind him and he stops laughing at the television to ask it if it has ever seen this. “This planet’s amazing”. Yeah, we bombard our young with colorful, hyperactive nonsense until their brains are the consistency of oatmeal. The Toclafane’s like ‘yeah, whatever, I’m just here to ask if you’re ready’. He says the machine will reach critical at 8:02 tomorrow morning. The Toclafane says they have to escape because Winter is coming. Sorry, I mean “the darkness” is coming. Chrissy: Are you going for a record number of pop culture references in this recap or something? He rubs his forehead like this is all so VERY annoying and maybe he should have just taken the Doctor up on that offer to run away together and repeats that they should be ready at 8 tomorrow morning. Super secret abandoned warehouse of blue-tinged nighttime rebel planning. Martha arrives with a plastic bag in hand and asks Jack if they have any news. He says he’s tuned his wrist strap to government frequencies so they can follow what Saxon is doing. She’s like yeah, I meant anything about my family because it’s all about me. The Doctor, who is parked in front of a laptop, says all they know is the “Jones family” was taken in for “questioning”, but there’s no mention of the brother, so, you know, that’s something. She hands them both paper- wrapped bundles of chips because it is the staple of the British diet and happily notes that her brother isn’t so “daft” after all. Then she wonders aloud how she reached the point where she’s talking about her family being on the run from the government like it’s normal. I keep saying it, but seriously: this is what travelling with the Doctor does to people. That and cause them to age and different rates relative to everyone they know. She and Jack share a LOOK and she nods toward the Doctor. This is apparently Jack’s cue to ask for more clarification on who this Master person is exactly. “And what is he to you,” Martha adds. “A colleague or...” The Doctor jumps in to say he was a friend, initially. Martha breathes a sigh of relief. “I thought you were going to say he was your secret brother or something.” And yes, I had to listen to that a couple times to verify that she said “brother” and not “lover”. Which is too bad because I might have had to declare my love for Martha just then. The Doctor gives her a weird look and says she’s been watching too much TV. Ha! Ahahaha! No, seriously, you totally fucked him in college, didn’t you? Jack seems hung up on the Psychotic Time Lord angle: all the stories he ever heard of Gallifrey made it sound like a perfect planet. The Doctor says that’s just because it was so beautiful it was known as “the Shining World of the Seven Systems”. “And on the continent of Wild Endeavor in the mountains of Solace and Solitude there stood the Citadel of the Time Lords.” And we cut to a dream-like view of the place he’s describing and...it’s a futuristic city in a giant snowglobe. Except the snow is on the outside, which...who the hell designed this and what was the purpose of it? Is there a scientific reasoning having to do with the atmosphere either inside or outside the globe or is it like a gated community? Is it just there for aesthetic reasons? Why am I asking all these questions? Chrissy: Nobody knows. An old man’s face is superimposed over this as he describes the Time Lords as the oldest race in the universe, who knew and watched over all the other races and planets while swearing never to interfere. We get a brief glimpse of the outfit their leaders wear which looks like a Cardinal’s robe with a giant, ridiculous looking headpiece. The Doctor says the children of Gallifrey are taken from their families when they turn eight and entered into the “Academy” and some people think that’s when everything started going downhill for the Master. Basically, somebody let him look into the “Untempered Schism”, which the Doctor calls a gap in the fabric of reality where you can see all of time and space. Basically, it sounds like the Total Perspective Vortex minus the “you are here” dot. Looking into it can either make a person run away in terror, inspire them or drive them absolutely batshit crazy. Martha asks how the Doctor responded when he looked into the Vortex. He says oh, he’s one of the ones who ran away, obviously, and he hasn’t stopped running since. Heh. Wait, so you’ve known the Master was a budding psycho since he was EIGHT and you still became friends with him at some point? Chrissy: I can CHANGE him with the power of my love! Diandra: I...[snort] I’m sorry, I’ve got nothing to say to that. Chrissy: Oh, you know it’s true. Ahem. Moving on. Jack’s Vortex wrist strap thingy starts beeping. He reads that he has an incoming message on an encrypted channel with attachments. The Doctor tells him to send it to the laptop. Jack’s like okay, but...uh...as long as we’re telling stories about our past there’s something I should probably tell you first. And we cut to the Torchwood logo appearing on the laptop screen because that’s where the message is coming from. The Doctor is glaring at Jack because – as I mentioned in the last episode – Torchwood was basically founded on the premise that the Doctor was mortal enemy #1 and has been fucking up things for him ever since. Jack babbles that everything is different now: the “old regime” was destroyed with Torchwood 1 at Canary Wharf. He rebuilt it with the purpose of being the English X- Files bureau. “I did it for you! In your honor!” Aw, isn’t that cute. The Doctor just glares at him a little longer, then stabs at the keyboard to open the video. Chrissy: You still love me, right? Right? PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME AGAIN. The video was taken by Vivien Rook sometime before she decided to take a chance on Lucy being a sympathetic dupe. She says if she hasn’t returned to her desk by 22:00, this video and the files attached to it will automatically be sent to Torchwood. It is everything she has on Harold Saxon and Archangel. She thinks they should especially look at the Archangel report because that’s when this whole conspiracy seems to have started. You have to hand it to this woman: she was smart. The Doctor asks what the Archangel network is. Martha pulls out her phone and unhelpfully says she has it because everybody else does. I’m starting to get the impression that Martha is one of those people who would totally jump off a bridge if everyone else was doing it. Jack says it’s a mobile phone network that’s gone global. He points to the monitor, which is now showing a model of Earth with fifteen little dots connected by white lines all around it. He says those are the satellites and every other network is now controlled by Archangel. So they’re Comcast merged with Clear Channel and dialed to infinity. Lovely. The Doctor takes Martha’s phone and waves his sonic screwdriver over it, muttering “I said he was a hypnotist”. He bangs the phone on the table and it starts beeping in the “dit-dit-dit- dah” rhythm. (It’s a message from the Vs! Everybody run!) He concludes that it has been playing all over the planet in everyone’s subconscious. Martha asks if it’s some sort of mind control. The Doctor says that would be too obvious so it wouldn’t work (except maybe on the Americans). But somewhere embedded in it beneath layers of code is something that has convinced everyone that Harold Saxon is a trustworthy person who deserves their vote. He says this is how the Master managed to hide from him because obviously he should have been able to sense the presence of another Time Lord, but this signal “cancelled him out”. Um...what? No, seriously, what the actual fuck? Time Lords communicate their presence to each other using radio waves? So a Time Lord can basically conceal themselves from other Time Lords by hiding in a building lined with aluminum foil? You know, there are some times when Russell T. Davis sounds like a storytelling genius who plans every little detail of his plots months and years in advance. And then there are times like this where he’s more like a con artist whose lies finally catch up to him, forcing him to pull the fire alarm as a distraction while he makes an escape. Chrissy: You are putting way too much thought into this. Haven’t we talked about this before? Diandra: Yes, and we’ve decided I’m a masochist. Live with it. Jack asks if they can stop it. The Doctor says not from “down here”, but at least now they know how he’s doing it. Martha concludes that this means they can fight back. Montage of the Doctor futzing around with some electronics. When he’s finished, he has three identical keys hanging from strings. He explains that they are TARDIS keys and, as pieces of the TARDIS they have “low level perception properties”, which is what used to make the TARDIS blend in before it got stuck in permanent Police Box mode. He grabs one and asks Martha to verify that she can see him before putting it around his neck. Her eyes immediately slide over to focus on the nearby wall. She blinks a few times and says “it’s like I know you’re there, but I don’t WANT to know.” Yes, for those in the audience NOT watching Torchwood, it’s called a perception filter and it was explained in the very first episode as the reason nobody questions why people with guns keep appearing and disappearing from the sidewalk near Millenium Stadium. Let me just take a moment to review how Jack described it then: [copypaste] his best guess is a “dimensionally transcendental chameleon circuit” that “welded its perception properties to a spatial-temporal rift”. [/copypaste] Yeah, it still just sounds like a bunch of science-y words jumbled together in a way that sounds smart. Chrissy: As compared to any other explanation of anything on this show? Diandra: Good point. The Doctor takes off the key and says it doesn’t make them invisible, but it should make them unnoticeable. Then he comes up with this ridiculously contrived comparison: “It’s like when you fancy someone and they don’t even know you exist.” He runs off so Martha can blink at Jack like “did that dumbass really just say that to my face”? “You too, huh,” Jack asks. Oh, honey. Don’t worry; you still have Ianto. In a dark back alley somewhere, the Doctor gives some final instructions to the team regarding the perception filters. Keep quiet, no sudden movements, try to stay in the background and not draw attention. This might prove a difficult mission for Jack. They put on the filters and start over a very long bridge to...I have no idea where that is. Cut to Air Force One landing at an airbase in England because the President of the US just CAN’T STAND that something important is happening on the planet and it doesn’t involve the US. Sigh. He is met by Master Saxon, who salutes him. The President doesn’t salute him back which is well beyond rude. Instead he tries to order the British army to stand down and says UNIT will control this situation from here. Master Saxon blinks and wonders how he got the impression this was an invasion. President Jerkface says first contact policy was established by a security council in 1968 and Saxon completely disregarded it. Master Saxon excuses it as one of those teeny mistakes you make when you take on a new job like loading the printer wrong or calling the wrong number for HR or forgetting where you left the nuclear football. He tries to distract him by introducing him to his wife. President ForeverAlone growls that there are provisions in place that could have Saxon removed from office if he fucks this up any further. Master Saxon makes a “my lips are sealed gesture” with an exaggerated frowny face. President MyDickIsBigger asks if he’s taking this seriously. Master Saxon nods. President AngryDad says okay then, the deal is that first contact can’t happen on sovereign soil because somebody said so, so they’re bringing in an aircraft carrier for the meet. Master Saxon makes a bunch of muffled noises in reply without opening his mouth. The President is like ‘okay, now you’re just being an asshole’. The Master “unzips” his lips and verifies that the US is basically in charge now then. The President says well, since the British seem to have elected an overgrown idiot child, yes. Because the US is the only country allowed to elect a classless moron from a state that is constantly trying to defect. Chrissy: Not that you’re thinking of anyone in particular. Diandra: Rick Perry. Chrissy: Oh...yeah, him too. President Exceptionalism says he’ll see Saxon on board the good ship Noble...sorry, Valiant. Master Saxon just wants to verify that the meeting is still going to be televised because he PROMISED. The President says yes because it’s too late to keep it quiet now that Saxon OPENED HIS BIG MOUTH ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. But they will be watching HIM, not Saxon. Also, pbbbbbtttttt. President Juvenile turns and marches away while Master Saxon leans over to Lucy and dubs him “the last President of America”. He points her in the direction of the plane waiting to take them to the ship and then hangs back a while, looking in the direction of the three musketeers, who have been watching this whole exchange from a safe distance. I’m guessing he can sense the Doctor’s radio waves whether he can see through the filter or not (which is also a possibility since it’s windy and both Jack and the Doctor are wearing long, billowy coats). Then an ambulance arrives and Martha’s family are herded out by armed men in SWAT gear. The Doctor grabs Martha’s arm and warns her not to move. She growls that she’s going to kill the Master. Jack asks what would happen if he used the filter to sneak up behind him and snap his neck. “That sounds like Torchwood,” the Doctor says dismissively. “He’s a Time Lord, which makes him my responsibility.” Oh, why don’t you just admit that you still have feelings for him? He says he’s not here to kill him, he’s here to “save him”. What, from himself? Chrissy: Yes, and he’s going to do it with the power of his love! Jack locates the ship on his Vortex Manipulator and they use it to teleport directly to it the same way they got here from the End of the Universe. They land in the bowels of a ship, groaning and moaning like last time. “Oh, that thing is rough,” Martha complains. “I’ve had worse nights,” Jack fires back because it’s been a few episodes since he’s reminded us of what a slut he is. Martha notes that it’s dawn outside the windows, then peeks out one and asks where the hell the ocean is if this is supposed to be a ship. Oh, Martha. Sweet, naïve Martha. We pull back from the window until the whole airship is in full view, floating just above the clouds with jets taking off and landing. Meanwhile, Master Saxon and Lucy arrive in the ship’s main control room...or board room. Or something. Lots of people in suits are milling around trying to look important. President Ego is telling someone that the UN seal will be replaced with his presidential seal because it’s ALL ABOUT THE US. Master Saxon asks if he can do anything, like maybe make them tea. Unless, you know, that’s too ENGLISH for the American president, in which case he could make grits once he figures out what they are and how they’re made. Because he’s British and Europeans tend to think that all of America looks like the darkest, most hillbilly infested parts of the south. Just like Americans think all Brits fit on a scale somewhere between James Bond and Mr. Bean. President Narcissism tells him to sit down and shut up. Master Saxon shrugs and pulls out one of the chairs at a long table for Lucy. She can’t stop staring at the ship décor, slack-jawed, noting that the Valiant is “beautiful”. The Master says since he was the Minister of Defense when they were building it, he was one of the designers and it’s one of his crowning achievements. Another being, of course, convincing the world that he is sane. The three musketeers are running through the bowels of the ship when the Doctor suddenly redirects because he “hears” something. It turns out to be the TARDIS buried in a corner somewhere. They run inside and stop abruptly, staring at the cage surrounding the center console, which is putting out a distressingly red glow and making strange noises. “Don’t touch it,” the Doctor says. “I’m not even anywhere near you right now,” Jack says except it comes out as “I’m not going to!” Chrissy: That doesn’t sound any better. Diandra: No. No, it doesn’t. Martha notes that the TARDIS sounds “sick” somehow. The usual humming noise sounding distorted and kind of muffled. The Doctor says the Master has “cannibalized” it and this is a paradox machine. He points to a gauge on the side of the cage and says when the needle hits red, which by his estimates will be at 8:02, the machine will activate. He calculates this by grabbing Jack’s arm and checking his watch because apparently Time Lords don’t need watches. The Audience Surrogate (aka Martha) asks what a paradox machine does, exactly. The Doctor doesn’t know exactly and he can’t stop it until he does because one wrong move could blow up the entire solar system. Bomb squads must be very highly trained on Gallifrey. Jack and Martha determine that they need to get to the Master, but they still don’t know how to stop him. “Oh, I’ve got a way,” the Doctor says. Chrissy: Will it involve you wearing clothing? Diandra: One can only hope. Chrissy: What? Diandra: I mean, uh...[cough] what? I didn’t say anything. The Master sits back, snacking on a bag of...something, smiling like a simpleton as President Napoleon orders all armed personnel to leave the flight deck. Then he offers Lucy a jelly baby and fans of the Fourth Doctor squeal in delight. We see a couple groups of people gathered in front of television screens as a reporter announces that Harold Saxon has invited “President Winters” to deliver the address, which is sort of like suggesting a coastline “invites” a tsunami to pound the shit out of it. Chrissy: Who’s pounding who now? Diandra: Oh my GOD, do you have an off switch? We go to the Valiant where the President speaks into the camera. “My fellow Americans...” Well, we’re off to a good start. Yes, just a reminder: at least half of the population of the states really do think the whole world revolves around us. He adds the word “patriots” because most of us also don’t know what that word means and finishes the sentence with “people of the world”, which is basically the equivalent of saying “etcetera”. He says he has declared himself king of the human race – sorry, AMBASSADOR – and he will serve this function with the utmost “solemnity” because God knows he doesn’t have enough humility. He says the Toclafane may offer us a lot in this exchange, but it’s not the “material benefits” that matter. What’s important is the perspective that will be gained from this experience. And everyone who knows what Americans are like takes a moment to laugh until they drool. Yeah. Because we’re totally not about material possessions. Nope. We don’t stand in ridiculously long lines for days just so we can trample each other to get whatever newfangled electronic toy is going on sale the day after Thanksgiving like total assholes. Ahem. Sorry. The three musketeers sneak into the room while the President continues delivering a speech that he clearly hopes will be remembered in history books as being right up there with the Gettysburg Address, Churchill’s “we shall fight on the beaches” speech and Kennedy’s “ask not what your country can do for you” speech. Clearly this man’s ego needs its own separate cabinet. The Master’s eyes sort of half-follow the musketeers toward the back of the audience where they start whispering about what this plan of the Doctor’s entails. Apparently he’s hoping to get close enough fast enough to get his key around the Master’s neck so everyone will see him for what he really is. Because that will cancel out his perception filter/mask/whatever instead of just making him unnoticeable. I’m getting a headache. Chrissy: That’s because you haven’t had enough to drink. Diandra: What am I drinking? You finished most of that bottle of wine in the last recap. Chrissy: Oh. I’ll go get another one. The only problem he can see is that it will be difficult for him to sneak up on Saxon with everyone on alert, so if he gets caught they’ll have to back him up. “Yes, sir,” Jack agrees quickly. Probably not the first time he’s said that to the Doctor. Chrissy: Though it’s probably the first time he’s said it while fully dressed and standing up. Diandra: Oh, you’re back already. Chrissy: I’ve learned to keep the liquor close at hand when you’re recapping. The Doctor starts creeping toward the Master as President Overcompensatingforhislittlegeneral concludes that he would like the world to join him in welcoming the Toclafane. The blinking balls appear over the bridge behind him. He introduces himself to them as Arthur Coleman Winters “president elect of the United States of America”. Holy shit, THIS MAN ISN’T EVEN PRESIDENT YET?! Where is the actual sitting president and why is he letting this assclown parade around like King Shit if he hasn’t even been sworn in yet? He welcomes them – as the (self appointed) delegate to the United Nations - to the planet Earth “and its associated moon”. Only because it doesn’t have a choice – it’s locked in orbit. I’m sure it would rather hang around Jupiter. That planet is so much more fun. Chrissy: Alcohol kicking in already? Diandra: What alcohol? My glass is empty. Chrissy: That’s because you already drank it dry. Diandra: Oh. Well, don’t just sit there: fill it up again! “You’re not the Master,” one of the Toclafane says. Another says it likes “Mr. Master” and a third says it doesn’t like President Notevenreallypresident. President Dumbbell says he can be the Master if that’s what they want. Back in the states, Fox News’ live coverage of the event immediately cuts back to a talking head screaming about how he’s OBVIOUSLY WEAK ON FOREIGN POLICY and he’s a PANSY ASS FASCIST LIBERAL COMMIE. Er...he says he will accept mastery over them “if that is God’s will.” I take that last thing about Fox News back. This man talks like a Republican. They would probably love him. Toclafane #2 notes that this human is obviously stupid (well, yes, he is American) and #1 whines again about wanting the Master. “Oh, all RIGHT,” Master Saxon blurts, jumping up before the Doctor can reach him and apologizing to everyone for the way people tend to get obsessed with him. President Secondbiggestegonow asks what the hell he’s going on about. “I’m taking control, Uncle Sam.” The Master turns to one of the Toclafane and orders it to kill him. It fires a laser and the President (elect) of the United States explodes into confetti. We get a few quick reaction shots of people watching their televisions looking horrified and the Master laughing and clapping gleefully. The Master’s guards are pointing guns at people and yelling at them not to move. The Doctor sort of freezes with his hands still on the key string as the Master runs up to the deck the President Who Really Wasn’t was standing on to address the cameras. And then for some reason, the Doctor is running toward him with the key in his hand and a couple guards are grabbing him because he’s totally visible now. What? His plan was ruined so he decided to just make a run at the Master in plain view of about a dozen armed guards? Did he have a brain fart or something? “We meet at last, Doctor,” the Master purrs, which is apparently a common line of his character because he adds that he loves when he gets to say that. The Doctor just shrieks at him to stop this right now. Um...because you say so? Really, what were you hoping to achieve with this tactic? Chrissy: Maybe it would have worked better if he was naked? Diandra: ............no. Chrissy: You’re right. Having him on his knees and begging is probably a bigger turn on. Diandra: [sigh] [drains glass again] Chrissy: “Please, Master, I promise I’ll be good this time if you’ll just take me with you!” Diandra: YOU CAN STOP NOW. The Master scoffs at the Doctor for thinking a perception filter would work on him. Oh, and he can see the rest of the Doctor’s team too, who he calls “the girlie” and “the freak”. “Although, I’m not sure which one is which.” Oh, so you’ve met Jack before then? Jack, who is, of course, both, decides to employ the Doctor’s strategy of running at the Master haphazardly. The Master removes his own screwdriver and a beam shoots from it to blast Jack in the chest. He falls down dead. The Master waves the screwdriver at the Doctor and declares it a “laser screwdriver” because what moron would carry a sonic screwdriver? Also, he points out that since Jack won’t stay dead long, he’ll get to kill him again because that was over way too quickly and it just wasn’t satisfying enough. Chrissy: Don’t you just hate when that happens? Diandra: What, when the guy’s screwdriver goes off too fast? Yeah, that really is a buzkill. Although there are pills to prevent that these days. Chrissy: I see the alcohol is kicking in. Diandra: What makes you say that? The Doctor pleads with the Master to just calm down, take a step back and LOOK at what he’s doing here. The Master turns to the camera and apologizes to the viewing audience, saying he has some “personal business” to take care of and he’ll be back in a minute. He orders the men to let the Doctor go and saunters down the steps. The guards shove the Doctor to the ground. I accidentally pause the video on a shot of the Doctor on his hands and knees looking up at the Master and laugh for a good five minutes straight. Chrissy: Yes, BEHOLD MY MAGNIFICENT SCREWDRIVER! Diandra: This is seriously the last time we do a recap while drinking. Chrissy: Where’s the fun in that? The Doctor stammers that this is all because of that sound in the Master’s head and he might be able to help. “Oh, how to shut him up,” the Master muses. I can think of a good way. Chrissy: Oh, I’m sure Jack has tried that one before. Diandra: BEHOLD MY MAGNIFICENT SCREWDRIVER! Chrissy: Exactly. Actually, the Master decides to park himself on the step in front of the Doctor and just yammer about Professor Lazarus – a guy from several episodes back who tried to make himself immortal through genetic manipulation and ended up turning himself into some half-scorpion affront to nature instead. He reminds the Doctor that Tish was working for him and asks how he thinks she got that job. Has she never gotten a job on her own actual merits? Whatever. Apparently the point he’s trying to make is that he concentrated all the power of Lazarus’ genetic fucker-uper in his laser screwdriver and now all he needs is the Doctor’s biological code. Which is when he reveals the severed hand Jack completely lost track of at the end of the universe. He reminds us – again – that Lazarus used it to make himself younger, but he could always reverse the process. He points the screwdriver at the Doctor, who screams and flails for about five minutes. Jack wakes up and orders Martha, crouched beside him, to teleport because they can’t stop the Master. “Get out of here.” She totally ignores him and crawls over to the Doctor as he hits the ground. He now looks like his own grandfather. The Master, now in a fit of gloating, shows her that he is still holding her family captive. They are brought in at the other end of the room and her sobbing mother is still apologizing. The Doctor – ever the stickler for priorities – asks what the hell the Toclafane are. Or who the hell are they. The Master squats beside him, puts a hand on his chest and murmurs that if he told him that, his “hearts would break”. Chrissy: You wait until he looks like Grandpa Kettle to feel him up? Diandra: Ageist. Time Lords and Immortals don’t discriminate against someone just because he has a few wrinkles. Chrissy: A few? You can barely recognize David Tennant under there anymore. He is still under there somewhere, right? Diandra: Yeah, the extras for this episode are really creepy because he’s running around like a normal thirty year old and he LOOKS LIKE THIS. The Great Blinking Balls of Death (oh, I like that name. I’m using it from now on) start circling over the Master’s head, asking if the machine is ready and “singing” yet. He looks at his watch and notes that it’s two minutes past eight. He jumps back in front of the camera (was everyone at home just watching a blank screen for the past few minutes?) and addresses the audience as “Earthlings”. “Basically, um...end of the world.” Put your heads between your legs and kiss your asses goodbye! He raises the laser screwdriver over his head and shouts “here come the drums” which is apparently the cue for the song “Voodoo Child” to start blaring from nowhere in particular while the TARDIS wobbles and spews smoke. An enormous fiery rift forms in the sky over the Valiant like maybe the atmosphere is guarding the planet from the gates of hell and millions of Blinking Death Balls come pouring in. He sidles up to Lucy, who is gaping out the window at this, and asks what she thinks of his giant blinking balls. He says there are six billion of them. Hmm...that’s almost as many as there are people currently on Earth. That must just be some weird coincidence, right? (Hint: no). We follow a group of the Great Blinking Balls of Death down to street level where they start zapping and knifing the hell out of everyone. The Master asks Lucy if she thinks they should decimate the humans. Then he decides that, now that he’s heard that out loud, he likes that word so much that he’s decided to just go ahead and do it. He turns on a loudspeaker and orders the Toclafane to “remove” one-tenth of the world population. Yes, kids, today you have learned what the word “decimate” means. Tomorrow we will learn all about the word “genocide”. Isn’t this fun? Chrissy: I don’t think you have much of a leg to stand on since we’ve been making porny slash jokes all the way through this show that’s supposed to be kid friendly. Diandra: Who’s we? You’re the one who started it. Martha, one lone tear falling down her face, lets go of the Doctor’s hand and stands up, clutching Jack’s Vortex Manipulator to her chest as everyone listens to the screaming, mostly in English but with a random burst of what sounds like Japanese (they should be used to this sort of thing there, right?), and frantic calls to the Valiant from Geneva and London. She looks at the Doctor, Jack and her family one last time and teleports the hell out of there. Jack and the Doctor share some sort of significant LOOK that appears to be mostly relief. ‘I’d still do him,’ Jack probably thinks. Chrissy: That’s not fair. Jack is, what, 500? Diandra: That was my point. The Doctor was 900 before the Master employed this little plot device. Age means nothing. And if you’re still around when I finally get to season 4 of Torchwood, we’ll explore this concept all over again. Chrissy: By the time you get to season 4 we’ll both have almost as many wrinkles as David Tenant’s prosthesis. Diandra: Only if you keep DISTRACTING ME. Martha lands in the middle of a field and gapes at the London skyline, almost totally obscured by swarms of Blinking Death Balls and turning into a fiery wasteland on the edges where there doesn’t seem to be any actual buildings or, you know, people. Yeah, I think they ran out of the special effects budget for this episode just now. It looks like two completely different locations cut-and-pasted together lazily. “I’m coming back,” she growls before turning around and running for the woods. The Master and Lucy each have hold of one of the Doctor’s arms but I can’t tell if they’re holding him captive or holding him up because he’s a frail old man now. They’re looking out the window and the Master is intoning “and so it came to pass that the human race fell and the Earth was no more. And I looked down upon my new dominion as Master of all and I thought it good.” The Doctor just breathes heavily through his (blazing white) teeth and glares. To be continued. Hey do you think maybe in the next episode we’ll find out what the hell happened to the real POTUS? Chrissy: I’m guessing the English don’t give any more of a flying fuck about our politics than we do about theirs. Diandra: Americans don’t give a flying fuck about American politics most of the time. I know. It just BOTHERS ME. Chrissy: The alcohol must be wearing off. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go read some porn before I start the next episode.