"Doctor Who, episode 3x15: The Last of the Time Lords" Starring: David Tennant, Freema Agyeman, John Barrowman, John Simm Previously on “Doctor Who”: The Master (AKA the Lex Luthor to the Doctor’s Superman) returned, hijacked the TARDIS, turned it into a Paradox Machine and brainwashed Great Britain into making him Prime Minister. Then he introduced everyone to his little friends: an alien race of giant, hovering death balls he calls “Toclafane”. He took over an international airship, killed the man who called himself POTUS, took the main cast and Martha’s family hostage (except Martha, who escaped with Jack’s Vortex Manipulator) and aged the Doctor roughly a thousand years. Also, Chrissy and I had a contest to see who was the biggest pervert. Chrissy: The winners were David Tenant and John Barrowman. Diandra: I’m sure John Simm was in there somewhere. Chrissy: Oh, I bet he was. *winks* Diandra: That’s not what I... *sigh* We open on a weird blue screen computer simulation type thing while a female voice advises that all space traffic steer clear of Sol 3, AKA Earth, as it’s human population is going through some sort of extinction by crazed despot. “Earth is closed,” she announces. Was it ever really open though, when you think about it? I mean, really? “One Year Later” says the chyron. On a beach somewhere at night, Martha hops out of a rowboat and runs to meet some guy waving a lantern. They are both wearing dark, militaryish clothing and she is carrying some sort of backpack and looking all authoritative as she demands to know what his name is. He says it’s Tom Milligan, not that she cares. He notes that she must be the “famous” Martha Jones. The Exposition Fairy pokes him and he asks how long it’s been since she was last in Britain. She says 365 days. “It’s been a long year.” How long was it? Oh, wait...that wasn’t a setup for a joke. Never mind. She asks if he can get her to a Professor Docherty. He says yeah, she works at Nuclear Plant 7, but why is it important she talks to her again? Martha says that’s need to know only and he doesn’t. He shrugs that off and goes back to discussing her celebrity status. “You’re a bit of a legend.” The legend is that she sailed the Atlantic and walked all the way across America and she was “the only person to get out of Japan alive”. “Martha Jones, they say, she’s going to save the world,” he concludes. “Bit late for that.” He shows her his Jeep, which he says he has special permission to drive nowadays because he is considered medical staff and they need his help at the labor camps. Martha finds it hilarious that she is once more traveling with a doctor. Martha, honey? Weren’t YOU supposed to be a doctor? They climb in and Tom reverts to the legend conversation to say that according to the stories, she is the only one who can kill the Master. Unless she can do it with her special powers of annoyance, I doubt it. “Let’s just drive,” she grumbles. Dauntless. No, wait...Intrepid. Sorry, Valiant! Chrissy: Why am I getting flashbacks of Pirates of the Caribbean? Diandra: Oh, good, I thought it was just me. The Master enters the main meeting room to the tune of “I Can’t Decide” (whether you should live or die). He dances around a little and shoves his tongue in Wifey’s mouth. Martha’s mom – dressed like a French maid – hands him some tea, which he sips and then promptly spits out and glares at her like “I said you should LOOK French, not make tea like they do”. He rings a bell, which is apparently the cue for the Doctor to crawl out of a little tent in the corner labeled “dog”. Chrissy: I would say something about deep sub-space, but I’m still processing the fact that he looks old enough to be my great-grandfather. The Master shoves him in a wheelchair and runs him around the room, singing with the continuing song at the top of his lungs while the Doctor looks completely bored. He stops in front of a window and announces “it’s ready to rise, Doctor.” Chrissy: Wow, that was easy. He’s not even touching you. Diandra: I see you got over the squick factor already. Chrissy: Oh, come on, I can’t NOT say anything to a line like that! Apparently he means the Time Lord Empire. “It’s good, isn’t it? Isn’t it good?” Chrissy: Mffffmmgggghhhhhffffff Diandra: What’s that? I can’t hear you with my hand over your mouth. Chrissy: Fffffmmmmmmpppphhhhhhhhhhuuuuu! The Doctor just silently glares at the Toclafane flying around outside the window. The Master sighs that the Toclafane broke his hearts the minute he worked out what they are (apparently over the past year). “They say Martha Jones has come back home.” This finally gets the Doctor’s attention. “Leave her alone,” he growls. The Master reminds him that he said something to her a year ago before she disappeared and we get a quick flashback of the Doctor whispering in Martha’s ear. The Master wants to know what he said. The Doctor says he only has one thing to say to the Master and he knows what that is. The Master clearly does because he springs up and shoves the chair at the nearest wall. A voice on the loudspeaker announces that the Valiant is now entering Zone One airspace and the Master barks something about “launch day” in 24 hours. The Doctor makes a three-finger hand signal at Martha’s mom. She picks up the tea tray and walks out, making the same signal at her (ex?) husband who is mopping a floor somewhere. He relays it to Martha’s sister Tish as she passes with another tray and she openly STARES at his hand because she is clearly a terrible spy. Chrissy: I think we found the real reason “Undercovers” was cancelled. Diandra: That and it was a bad “Alias” knockoff. Tish goes through a door into the bowels of the ship somewhere where Jack is chained up. He greets her by babbling about sea air and how he could really go for some fish and chips, but of course she just has “cold mashed swede” for him again and this is really the last time he comes to this crappy hotel. She shoves a spoonful of slop in his mouth to shut him up and uses her other hand to relay the Doctor’s signal. He winks at her. In a rock quarry somewhere, there is a statue of the Master, striking a “I am King Shit” pose possibly modeled after Stalin, gazing wistfully into the distance. As they climb around below, Martha notes that the Master has put variations of this eyesore all over the planet, including his face added to Mount Rushmore. Really? How did he manage to do that without destabilizing the mountain? They creep to the edge of a cliff and look down at the “shipyards” below. It’s a sea of rocket launch pads. Tom says a new shipment of slaves comes in every morning to break up cars, houses, anything made of metal to convert into more of these things. Martha thinks this doesn’t look as bad as Russia, where the shipyard cuts a path all the way through the entire freaking country (or at least covers the entire northern part of it, it’s not really clear from her description). She says they’re getting ready for war with the rest of the Universe. Wait...what? Isn’t that the ultimate in Supervillain idiocy? “I will bomb the shit out of the whole universe until I am the only one left standing! Then I will rule the Universe! I see no logical flaws in this plan!” Two great blinking balls of death fly over and demand Tom identify himself. He holds up the special medical travel license he mentioned earlier. He starts to make up an excuse for what he’s doing here, but the blinking death balls don’t care. They just want to brag about how very BUSY he’s going to be once the apocalypse starts, you know, being a medic and all. They fly away again and Tom notices that Martha has been sitting very still since they approached. “They didn’t see you,” he marvels. “How do you think I traveled the world,” she gloats, holding up the perception filter key around her neck. Um...how can TOM see you then? Chrissy: Here. Diandra: What is this? Wine? Chrissy: Mixed with vodka. Diandra: Pulling out the big guns already? Chrissy: I have a feeling we’re going to need them. Also, I’ve been thinking about vodka ever since she mentioned Russia. Martha explains the whole Archangel Network brainwashing thing to Tom. Because that wasn’t in the previouslies or anything. Except she adds that the key is somehow tuned to the same frequency so people won’t notice her. He points out that he can see her though. Oh, good, so I’m not crazy. Chrissy: I wouldn’t go that far. She says that’s because he WANTS to notice her. What? That’s not...but if that’s how... Chrissy: Shhh. Think less, drink more. Diandra: You should stitch that on a pillow. Tom blushes a little and Martha asks if there’s a Mrs. Milligan. Really, Martha? The entire planet is in a police state and preparing for war with every other planet and now is a good time to pick up a date? Tom says no, there isn’t. At least not any more since she died horribly in that first Toclafane attack. No, he doesn’t say that, but I wish he had. Tom asks after her availability and she says cagily that “there used to be someone”. And we get a flashback of the Doctor kissing her. Okay, two things, Martha. One: the tenth doctor kisses everybody. You are not that special. Two: as I recall, he only did that to transfer some trace DNA (aka saliva) to your face so the aliens that had hijacked your hospital would be distracted following you for a while. In other words, YOU WERE THE DECOY. You’re just lucky they didn’t kill you before asking questions. He’s NOT your boyfriend! There’s also a repeat flash of him whispering in her ear a year ago, but this time we focus on the fact that he’s holding her hand as he whispers. And we’re back as she murmurs that that was a long time ago. Yeah. And mostly in her head. Back on the Valiant, the Doctor, Jack and all the Jones’ are sneaking glances at clocks ticking down to three. Right. That explains the hand signal of flashing three fingers. Because it would take a genius of monumental proportions to crack that code. Apparently there’s a whole other story going on in the background here because the Master swaggers in and starts flirting with this girl he’s supposed to be getting a massage from right in front of his wife, who suddenly has this bruise under her eye like she got punched in the face. Downstairs...er...wherever...Jack is pulling at one of the chains, which is already coming unbolted from the wall. At three, he breaks it free and grabs some sort of...steam pipe? I don’t know what it is, but he points it at the guard and the guard screams. Father Jones dumps a mop bucket on something that sparks and runs for it. Back in the main room, a voice on the loudspeaker starts barking about “condition red” and the Master’s men start scrambling. Mother Jones grabs the Master’s jacket, abandoned in the chaos and throws it at Tish, who gives it to the Doctor (so glad you could be part of this Tish) and he fishes out the laser screwdriver and points it at the Master. “I told you: I have one thing to say,” he repeats. The Master just laughs, which is generally not a good sign. Father Jones runs into a locked door. Jack runs into a wall of armed guards, who shoot him way more times than is probably necessary. The Master points out that nothing is happening when the Doctor pushes the button on the sonic because the controls are “isomorphic”, which means it can somehow only respond to the Master. I would like to take a moment to point out that a few years after this, Doctor #11 would run into something similarly locked against his tampering and he would stubbornly insist that there is no such thing as isomorphic controls. I would like to submit this as evidence that the regeneration process between David Tenant and Matt Smith was so traumatic that it destroyed brain cells. Chrissy: Or evidence that Stephen Moffat didn’t see/remember this little detail. Diandra: Or that. That’s possible too. I like my theory better though since it would explain a LOT about the Eleventh Doctor. The Master grabs the screwdriver and whacks the Doctor so hard that he falls down. Mrs. Saxon flinches and reaches instinctively toward the bruises on her face like she’s remembering getting them when she ran afoul of the Master too. He shoots a blast into the wall beside Mother Jones and demands that she apologize for this whole charade, which she does through gritted teeth. He orders the men to take her and Tish away and lifts the Doctor into a chair so he can torture him with another one of his musings. “I remember the days when the Doctor was waging a Time War.” At least somebody remembers that. “Battling Sea Devils and Axons. He sealed the rift at the Medusa Cascade single-handed!” Chrissy: Russell T. Davis is just making shit up now, isn’t he? Diandra: Oh good, you’re catching on. Anyway, the Master would like to know how that badass became this pathetic old man hatching a terrible plan to steal his screwdriver. What happened to that guy? He pauses for a minute, then cackles “oh, yeah. Me!” Chrissy: What’s gotten into you? Oh, yeah...me! Diandra: Okay, that’s ENOUGH. The Doctor pleads with the Master to just LISTEN to him. Yeah, right. Just face it, Doctor, you can’t change him. The Master babbles something about revenge and how he has a message for Miss Martha. That will have to wait though because Miss Martha is currently breaking into the nuclear facility with her potential new love interest to meet that Professor Docherty before we forget totally about that plot thread. She’s just as generically post- apocalyptic looking as the people in the Rocket at the End of the Universe. She barely looks up from the television she’s futzing with and growls that she’s busy and doesn’t have time for them. Martha points out that televisions don’t work anymore, so if she’s trying to get a signal she’s SOL. Docherty says there’s supposed to be some sort of broadcast from Herr Crazypants the Isomorphic and applies the age old repair technique of whacking at the television until it suddenly springs to life. Of course, it just happens to be the exact moment that the Master is starting his address. “On this, the Eve of War...lovely woman...but I know there’s all sorts of whispers down there, stories of a child walking the Earth, giving you hope.” He saunters back over to the Doctor and prompts “say hello, Gandalf.” That might be the best line of the show so far. Also, was he always this scatological and I didn’t notice? Is John Simm just ad libbing lines as he goes? He explains that this old man is actually an alien and not even that old because his species lives a whole lot longer than “you stunted little apes.” He suggests trying a little experiment: he will suspend the Doctor’s regenerative abilities, which will apparently show his true, 900 year old self. What? That’s...not at all how I thought this worked. He points the Lazarus Fucker Uper at him again and the Doctor flails for another five minutes before falling from the chair out of frame. The Master calls his name and we pan across the Doctor’s now mostly empty suit as something moves and something that looks like a smaller, cuter Gollum sticks its head out and blinks up at the Master. I just remembered why this episode, perhaps more than any other, is best watched rip-roaring drunk. Chrissy: Now you tell me?! The Master gets a look like maybe he wasn’t QUITE expecting that, then glowers at the camera and growls “received and understood, Miss Jones?” Uh...I’m sorry, what point were you trying to make again? Chrissy: That’s he’s crazy. Diandra: Oh, well then. Mission accomplished. The transmission cuts out and Tom whispers an apology to Martha. Martha just smiles at the blank TV because “the Doctor’s still alive”. Sometime later, Professor Docherty says the Archangel Network is the Master’s greatest weakness. Because the 15 satellites all around the planet are still broadcasting telepathic signals to keep people scared and complacent. Tom logically concludes that they could beat him by just taking those satellites out. She says yeah, sure, they just need 15 ground-to-air missiles. Also, any military action will cause the Toclafane to descend. Martha sighs that they’re not actually CALLED the Toclafane because that’s a name the Master obviously totally made up. Yeah? Do you know what they’re actually called then? Docherty asks as much. Martha shrugs and says that’s why she came to find her. You know, I was always sort of ambivalent about Martha when I was watching season 3. Now I’m realizing I just don’t like her. Martha holds up a CD by way of explanation. She says nobody has been able to even get close to the spheres and they seem pretty indestructible. Except one was hit by lightning in South Africa and she has the readings from it on the disc. Cut to Docherty applying the “bang on it until it works” rule to the ancient computer and muttering that she never thought they would actually miss Bill Gates. Chrissy: Well, there goes your theory about those being Apple computers. Diandra: Or you could look at it this way: Bill Gates might actually be able to get one of those flashy iToys to actually do something useful. Chrissy: Sweetie? Bill Gates is a businessman. Not a magician. Tom asks if this is what Martha traveled the world for: to find a disc of alien sphere readings. Docherty says the legend was she was walking the Earth to find a way to build a weapon to defeat these things. Martha gets another flashback of the Doctor whispering instructions in her ear, but before we can get even the smallest piece of new information from this she is distracted by Docherty finding something. Apparently that something is the exact amount of electrical charge needed to take down a sphere. Fast forward to that night – or some other night...I don’t know – and Tom fires his gun into the air a few times, then runs so one of the alerted Blinking Death Balls will chase him. It chases him down a narrow corridor and when it is level with some electrical doo dads Docherty set up, she plugs them in and zaps it down. Back on the Valiant, the Doctor is in a large birdcage hanging from the ceiling of the main room. I’m not sure which part of this is stranger: that the Master seems to have had that cage on hand or that the Doctor is dressed in a miniature version of the same suit he was wearing earlier. Chrissy: Is there anything about this whole scenario that isn’t batshit insane? Diandra: Good point. In a different holding cell, Mother Jones is muttering that she is going to kill the Master if it’s the last thing she does, no matter how long it takes, because he has to let his guard down at some point. Father Jones says not if he beats her to it because that fucker is MINE. Mother Jones smiles and leans over to kiss him. Tish, apparently moved by this family homicide plotting, says no, SHE’LL do it. Oh, honey. It’s sweet of you to offer, but you should leave the big stuff to the rest of your blood thirsty family. She reminds them of how the Master made them stand on the deck and watch as he destroyed Japan, killing millions. She will see him dead even if it kills her. Ah, family bonding. Aren’t they adorable? Back in the main room, the Master enters, Wifey in tow, and announces that they are “opening a rift in the Braccatolian space” tomorrow and they’ll never see him coming. The Doctor halfheartedly grumbles that he should stop this. The Master’s like ‘ooo, there’s an idea. How about...no?’ Not until the new empire is established and there’s a new Gallifrey that he will presumably be the uncontested ruler of. Then he leans closer and confides that he’s been hearing that drumming in his head ever since he looked into the Vortex at age eight. He thinks it’s a call to war and he’s baffled that the Doctor is insisting he can’t hear it. Chrissy: I’m baffled at his insistence on making the Doctor more and more dependent on him. I’m sure it’s part of his controlling nature, but first he made him a “dog” and now he’s an overgrown parakeet? Is he getting off on this? Diandra: I’m sure nobody actually wants an answer to that. One of the Blinking Death Balls enters the room to announce that they are ready. “Tomorrow we rise, never to fall!” Funny, I’m pretty sure Caesar and Napoleon said something similar. Chrissy: And Hitler. And since you brought it up earlier: Stalin. “You see,” the Master says bafflingly. “I’m doing it for them! You should be grateful! After all, you love them!” Post apocalyptic den of the resistance. Dockerty manages to pry open the sphere to reveal a human face. Well, mostly. With all the wiring and crap covering most of it, it looks kind of like an ancient, blind Bane. She, Martha and Tom all gape in horror as its cloudy eyes open and the circuitry around it glows. “Martha Jones,” it says. “Sweet, kind Martha Jones. You helped us to fly. You led us to salvation.” She asks what the hell he’s talking about and the affront to Nature says “the skies are made of diamonds.” This makes Martha flash back on Oliver Twist from the End of the Universe, who apparently said the same thing even though I have no recollection of that. “You can’t be him,” she moans. Bane says not really, but he shares Oliver’s memories. Tom and Dockerty ask what the hell is going on and what is he trying to tell her. Martha comes to the conclusion the Doctor has apparently already come up with over the past year: the “Toclafane” are actually humans from the distant future. Meanwhile, the Master is rambling about how he took Lucy (aka because I actually forgot her name for a while there: Wifey) to Utopia. Because I guess he wanted to play Time Lord traveling with a human companion just like the Doctor has for the past 50 years, but the Doctor fixed the TARDIS so he could only take her to one place, so... He prompts Lucy to tell the Doctor what she saw. “Dying,” she says in a robotic voice. “Everything dying. The whole of creation was falling apart. And I thought ‘there’s no point. No point to anything.’” Chrissy: Worst. Honeymoon. Ever. The Master declares this somehow the Doctor’s fault. Because, as Martha pointed out earlier in these episodes, everything is apparently the Doctor’s fault. He is the alien equivalent of President Obama: an all powerful wimp who can’t do ANYTHING but manages to be responsible for EVERYTHING. That about cover it? Martha says she’d sort of figured it out what with the whole paradox machine and the Doctor explaining that he’d fixed the TARDIS so it could only bounce between the End of the Universe and the present on Earth. “He found Utopia.” Future Bane says there was no Utopia. Nothing. Just cold and darkness and death. “You should have seen it, Doctor,” the Master continues. “Furnaces. Burning. The last of humanity screaming at the dark.” He says all the technology and knowledge that sustained humanity across the millennia “turned inward. They cannibalized themselves.” “But then the Master came,” Bane says. “To bring us back home.” Dockerty points out that that would create a paradox if they are the future of the present human race. They can’t destroy their ancestors, right? Yeah, hence the “paradox machine” Martha mentioned, lady. Do try to keep up. Martha confirms this and we flash back on the Master futzing with the TARDIS while he explains to the Doctor how it is “strong enough to hold the paradox in place.” The Doctor points out that he’s changing the history not only of Earth, but of the entire universe. Isn’t that what the Time War was about? The Master thinks he has every right to fuck with the time continuum since he is, after all, a Time Lord. You know, this is a theme Russell T. Davis explored pretty heavily. We always get the impression that the Time Lords are good guys because their only living representative is the Doctor. But apparently they are all basically James Bond villains (even the one played by Timothy Dalton, which is hilariously ironic). The Doctor was the rebel who rejected their megalomania, stole a space ship and ran away. Chrissy: Have I ever told you how smart you are? I love that about you. Diandra: ...you’re drunk right now, aren’t you? Chrissy: Maybe...s’the only way to deal with this batshittery, isn’t it? Hey, that’s a fun word. Think I’ll trademark that. Patent? Which one is for words? Diandra: You couldn’t have at least waited for me to catch up? I’m still only buzzed here. Chrissy: I started when the Doctor turned into a house elf. Not my fault you didn’t keep up. The Doctor asks why the hell he would come all this way just to destroy everything. The blinking Post-Human death ball answers for the Master: they are building a new empire. Part human (or human-like anyway) and part Time Lord. Oh, well. Okay then. Can I take a moment to point out that the special effects on Doctor Dobie are really creepy? I mean, his mouth is moving properly and totally in sync with David Tenant’s voice, but his eyes are part anime and part dead-eyed doll stare. Chrissy: I’m forming a band. It’s called the Dead Eyed Doctor and the House Elves. Or maybe Doctor Masochist and the Bond Villains. Diandra: I think you’ve reached your limit of vodka for the day. Tom asks why, if the “Toclafane” are actually human, are they killing so many humans? They’re the same species! The Post- Human says “because it’s fun” and giggles until Tom shoots it. Yeah, that can’t be all that surprising to learn that future humans are just as deranged and violent as present day humans. The Master agrees, since he calls us all the “greatest monsters”. Then he says nighty-night and he and Lucy walk out arm-in-arm, the Post-Human Death Ball (I’m just going to start calling them PhDbs for short) trails after them like a puppy. Apparently, Professor Dockerty waited until they got the dead PhDb cleaned up and every one cooled down and settled in with their cups of tea before demanding that Martha tell them everything. Is it true what the legend says about her traveling the world to find a way to kill the Master? There’s a pause and Martha takes a breath. “Just before I escaped, the Doctor told me...” And we flash back to the Doctor whispering in her ear and...all we hear is a whole lot of indistinct whispering. WHAT THE HELL? Martha starts over, explaining that the Doctor and the Master have been visiting Earth for years. About fifty of them at least. UNIT, Torchwood and who the hell knows who else has been watching them for much of it and they made a weapon to defend against these Time Lords just in case it was needed. She pulls what looks like an old laser gun from a case. Tom scoffs that all he needs is to get close enough to the Master and he can shoot him with his ordinary pistol. Yeah, because nobody has thought to try that. Martha says it’s not easy to kill a Time Lord because they can regenerate into a whole new body. Well, they can only do that twelve times, apparently, but let’s assume you won’t have time to stand over the Master and kill him over and over. Martha holds up the gun, which is actually some sort of injector gun probably designed for an elephant or something, and says it takes four chemical cylinders and mixes the contents into something that can kill a Time Lord permanently. Tom points out that she only has three vials of neon-colored chemicals. Martha says yeah, the pieces of the weapon were kind of scattered all over the world (or at least in four places so far) and she still needs to find that one. She suspects it’s at an old UNIT base in London and she needs Tom to get her there. There’s some discussion about how dangerous it is to travel across London at night that concludes in a plan to stay in the “slave quarters at Bexley”. The what now? They say goodbye to Docherty and Docherty holds Martha up for a moment to ask if she thinks she can really kill the Master. Martha shrugs and says she doesn’t have a choice. I see why fans remember her as “the soldier” instead of “the med student”. Docherty says Martha may be “many things” (no, not really), but she doesn’t look like a killer. Martha just stomps out. Row houses of even scruffier refugees. Martha and Tom slip past a couple Gestapo on patrol and enter a small flat occupied by roughly a dozen people. They are not happy to learn that the new temporary occupants have no food. Tom explains to Martha that there’s actually 100 refugees packed into each of the houses and they are sent to the shipyards every morning to work for their alien/robot overlords. One guy suddenly asks “are you Martha Jones?” Martha is startled. The guy spouts the rumor again that she can kill the Master and asks if it’s true. Everyone starts talking and pleading with her until Tom tries to fend them off with the excuse of her being “exhausted”. Martha says no, it’s okay: they want her to talk, she will. Docherty’s lair. Docherty goes into a corner and pulls open a computer panel we haven’t seen before, asking for Priority One access. She says before she says anything, she needs to know about her son. Ah. The old double-cross by desperate parent plot. The robotic voice just keeps asking her to state her “intent”, no matter how much she pleads to know whether or not he’s even alive. She debates for a minute, then slowly says she has information about Martha Jones for the Master. Sometime later, apparently, the Master skips into the main room in his bathrobe, waking the sleeping Doctor and says “guess what?” with a demented grin. Chrissy: You finally found that last marble you lost? Diandra: No, that’s long gone. Banana? Chrissy: What? Diandra: Nothing. Chrissy: You finally got the wife to agree to a three- way if you revert the Doctor back to a human shape? Diandra: Four-way. Don’t want Jack feeling left out. Chrissy: That’s my girl! Have another drink... Story time at Camp It’s the End of the World As We Know It (and Jack Probably Feels Horny). Martha is talking about how she traveled the whole world: from the “ruins of New York” to the “fusion mills of China” and the “radiation pits of Europe”. Once again, Europe gets the shit end of the deal. She says she’s seen people just like them everywhere: slaves in the Master’s regime. And they’re wrong about her being the legend because she isn’t the important one in this fight. She says she’s just doing what the Doctor told her to do. As usual. Chrissy: Who’s a good little soldier? Yes, you are! She proceeds to replace the legend of Martha Jones with the legend of The Doctor, a benevolent god-like man (er...whatever Dobie is) who has saved their lives countless times even though they don’t even know he exists. Also, he never expects anyone to thank him (that she knows of), mostly because he’s always running off on a new campaign to save the world. But she KNOWS and LOVES him: she KNOWS what he can do. Ah, there she is. I’m beginning to understand why I liked Amy so much. Not only did she not fawn over the Doctor like he was the Messiah (at least not for long), she got over this infatuation fast and acted more like a sister. It’s also why I liked season eight Clara more than season seven Clara. Martha’s little speech about just how much she LOVES and worships the Doctor is interrupted when a woman runs into the house shrieking that the Master is here. The guy who identified Martha woodenly points out that the Master has never come down from the Valiant. But yeah, he’s walking down the street outside with about a half a dozen PhDbs and some armed guards, sing-songing that he KNOWS Martha is here and demanding that she come out to meet her lord and master. The refugees try to hide Martha by throwing a coat over her and huddling around her. Yeah, that’s a bulletproof plan. When she doesn’t respond, the Master says ‘okay then, if you don’t surrender, my guys will just start killing people’. “Ask yourself: what would the Doctor do?” So Martha puts on the perception filter key and walks out the door. The Master claps with delight and crows “good girl! He trained you well!” Chrissy: He definitely has some sort of dog-collar, sadist fetish. Diandra: Is that the term for it? Chrissy: No, probably not. I’m drunk. What do you want from me? I’m saying there’s got to be a fanfic out there where he’s keeping the Doctor as a pet: eating out of dog bowls and obeying his every command. Diandra: Especially the ones that involve their “screwdrivers”. Chrissy: On second thought...that probably exists in most fandoms. Diandra: Yep. Chrissy: Are we still recapping? Diandra: I don’t know. I kind of lost my train of thought there. The Master has Martha toss her backpack full of Time Lord killing gun parts over, and it makes a weird, LOUD noise when it hits the ground. Like it’s full of bowling balls and instead of the ground it hit a car parked just off camera. Chrissy: Sorry, Russell! We’ll pay for that! He zaps the bag with his laser screwdriver, then turns it on her, announcing that her work is done. This is, of course, the cue for Tom to come charging out of the house so he can take the blast to the chest instead of her. The Master giggles as Tom falls down dead and Martha just looks back and forth between them with a mostly blank expression. Well. Nice to know you cared about him for a minute there, Martha. This little delay has given the Master enough time to change his mind. He decides the Doctor should get to see her die. Because it’s been a while since the Doctor became numb to all the death and destruction and he wants to make him cry again, I guess. Valiant. The voice on the PA system prompts everyone to rejoice. Yeah, fuck you and the horse you rode in on, buddy. The Master and Wifey are standing on the bridge while Martha is marched into the main room, past her gathered family and a ridiculously dirty Jack. Chrissy: He’s always been that way. Oh, wait. You meant actual dirt. Sorry. Diandra: *sigh* The Doctor gives her that dead-eyed-doe stare from his cage and she manages not to scream in horror. Chrissy: The Dead Eyed Does. Diandra: Okay, you can stop with the band names now. Chrissy: But it’s fun! Band names are cool. Diandra: As are bowties, apparently. And fezzes. Chrissy: What? Diandra: Never mind. I’ll explain later. The Master orders her to hand over her teleporter “in case you thought I’d forgotten.” Um, well, since you neglected to take it away at any point in the last however many minutes it took for you to have her escorted up to the ship, yeah it kind of looks like you did. In fact, since she had several opportunities to use it and utterly failed to, I’m guessing she forgot too. Chrissy: The level of incompetence on this show is really quite breathtaking. Diandra: They’re usually smarter than this, I swear. Martha tosses Jack’s manipulator up to him and he says “and now: kneel.” Chrissy: Not you, Jack. Diandra: Wow. I was going to bring up the whole sit- stay-good-dog thing again, but it looks like you’re about five steps ahead of me. “Down below,” the Master continues. “The fleet is ready to launch.” That’s an interesting euphemism. Don’t think I’ve ever heard it put quite like that before. Chrissy: I have. Diandra: ...did you sleep with a sailor or something? Chrissy: Pirate. It was Halloween. Costume options are kind of limited for guys with one leg. Diandra: Oh. I’m just...going to move on now. The Master pushes a button on a consol and asks if they’re ready. We get a shot of the sea of phallic-shaped rockets at the shipyard as a voice responds that the fleet is awaiting his signal. Oh, and rejoice! The Master looks at his watch and announces that they have three minutes to “align the Black Hole converters.” Chrissy: Now, THAT euphemism I... Diandra: DON’T. SAY. ANOTHER. WORD. The Master starts a very loud, ticking clock (which is a sound he says he can’t resist...because he is utterly lacking in subtlety). He asks if his “children” are ready. The PhDbs are practically salivating (or whatever it is they do...shoot little EMPs of delight?) at the prospect of upcoming bloodshed. The Master says oh, and when the clock hits zero he will kill Martha, which he’s very excited about since she will be his “first blood”. What, all those people you killed in the past year don’t count? Even if you don’t count people you ordered your minions to kill, what about the guy you just lasered to death? And you’ve probably killed Jack at least five times by now. Chrissy: And that was just the first night! Oh, wait...you’re not speaking in euphemisms any more, are you? Sorry, I got confused by all the cherry popping giddiness he’s exuding up there. The Master asks if she has any last words. She just stares blankly at him. As is her way. The Master declares this new companion of the Doctor’s to be so disappointing. They used to be willing to absorb the Time Vortex in a ridiculous, suicidal plan to rescue him. Okay, before I grumble about the fact that we’re AGAIN reminding everyone of how much more awesome Rose was...how does the Master know that? Did Jack tell him? I doubt the Doctor would have. He points the sonic at her and orders her to bow her head. Then we get a quick shot of the ticking clock while he takes his sweet time making a ridiculous speech about the New Order of the Time Lords. Jesus, he really is a Bond villain. He stops when he realizes Martha is chuckling. What now? She makes vague references to the gun she was showing Docherty and Tom before. The Master’s like ‘yeah, what of it? I destroyed it when I blasted that bag of yours’. Martha asks if he really believed that crap because really? A gun in five pieces scattered in well secured locations around the world? Because the Master still isn’t quite sure what she’s getting at, the Doctor pipes up that he would never have asked her to kill for him. He does all his killing himself. Chrissy: Also all of his own falling on swords. Diandra: Was that supposed to be a euphemism? Chrissy: I see the alcohol is dulling your senses. What do you think? Diandra: Whose sword is he falling on in this scenario, exactly? Chrissy: Does it matter as long as Jack is involved? The Master decides it doesn’t matter because he has Martha right where he wants her now. Words that are apparently always followed by a victory for the VILLAIN in his alternate reality. Martha’s like but you see, I KNEW Docherty would blab because her situation with her son is well known by members of the Resistance. The Master still doesn’t understand how that helps her because she’s still going to die. No, not unless you PULL THE TRIGGER AND STOP TALKING. But no. Instead, Martha asks if he has any idea what she was doing when she was traveling around the world. He sighs and prompts her to continue. Basically, she visited as many places as she could and told variations of the same story we saw her telling the people in that house. Hopefully with a little more embellishment because that really wasn’t much of a story. She encouraged them to keep spreading the story to other people until the whole world knew about the magic alien god. Chrissy: Magic Alien God would be... Diandra: A terrible name for a rock band. Shut up. Chrissy: I was actually going to say “a really difficult position in the Kama Sutra”, but okay. The Master sneers that this is all about giving people faith and hope then? Pshah. Martha says no, she gave them a specific set of instructions too. As per the Doctor’s instructions. And we FINALLY get a snippet of what the Doctor was whispering in her ear: “use the countdown”. As the clock ticks down the last thirty seconds, she explains that she instructed everyone to think one word at the exact same time. The Master scoffs that her “weapon” is prayer? Yeah, that’ll work. Stupid humans and their religious crutches. Martha keeps rambling about millions of people around the world and one thought and then she throws in “with fifteen satellites”. The Master stops smirking suddenly. “The Archangel Network,” Jack pipes up. Oh, you’re still here? Nice of you to participate, third wheel. Martha is still babbling, timing it so she concludes “and the word is ‘Doctor’” just as the counter ticks to zero. The cage the Doctor is in starts glowing. Martha, Martha’s family and Jack all start chanting “Doctor”, along with the crowds we’re suddenly seeing just now on monitors showing feeds from around the world. The Master yelps at them to stop it and Lucy suddenly closes her eyes and joins them. Heh. The Doctor, now back to the old man from the beginning of the episode with absolutely no explanation of how his clothes are still fitting him and not exploding werewolf-style all over the room... Chrissy: Or how he’s suddenly outside the cage. ...explains that he’s had a whole year to tune in to the “psychic network”. Well, that’s one way to run up the Master’s credit card debt. Oh, wait...not that one. Blah blah “integrated with its matrices” bullshit. The truth is, Russell T. Davis read “Peter Pan” and decided it would be cool to do a sci-fi version of “clap to believe in fairies, kids!” Chrissy: Speaking of fairies...OW! Diandra: You deserved that. The Master tries ordering them to stop, but that doesn’t really work on the millions of people around the world we keep seeing shots of who are all chanting in English for some reason. The Doctor transitions fully back into his younger self as he declares that the one thing the Master can’t do is “stop them thinking”. Yes, only Fox News has succeeded on that front. Jack and Martha laugh. Everyone else just stares at the Doctor like “the fuck?” We switch to a long shot and realize that he’s still large-doll-sized, apparently and growing, clothes and all, back to his normal height. Chrissy: I am so glad I’m drunk right now. Diandra: Told you. “Tell me the human race is degenerate now,” the Doctor says. “When they can do this.” Hm, nope. Still mostly degenerate with occasional bursts of altruism. The Master starts screaming nonsense rage and shooting laser beams at the Doctor, which bounce off the force field of...I don’t know...love hope and fairy dust that surrounds him. Because he is a very British character, the Doctor responds to this with “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Chrissy: So that’s where Canadians get it from. Diandra: Yes. The Master says fine then, he’ll just kill the people who don’t have magic bubbles protecting them, and turns to the Jones family. The Doctor waves a hand at him and the sonic flies from the Master’s hand. He says the Master knows what happens now. Chrissy: He gets Jack to tie him up and take control of his screwdriver? Diandra: ... Chrissy: Hello? Dee? Diandra: Sorry, my mind wandered. What was the question? Chrissy: You’re right. He’d probably rather take charge of the Doctor’s screwdriver. Diandra: We really need to stop drinking when we do these. The Master yelps and backs into the corner as the Doctor levitates into the air and starts floating toward him. At least I think he’s levitating. Either that or my brain is entering early stages of alcohol poisoning and cells are starting to die off. Fuck it, just give me the bottle of Vodka, Chris. We finished it. Also, you forgot to switch to script form just now. Diandra: Damn it. Why did I think this recap was a good idea?! Chrissy: Are we sure this is just Vodka? Was the bottle sealed when you opened it? Diandra: I thought you opened it. Chrissy: I did? When? Diandra: We are never finishing this goddamn thing, are we? Chrissy: Finishing what? The Doctor says the Master wouldn’t listen because he KNOWS what the Doctor is going to say right now. The Master shrieks and cowers as far into the corner as possible, sobbing. The bubble disappears and the Doctor crouches beside him, puts his arms around him and says “I forgive you.” The loud, rude sound of a raspberry being blown fills the room behind me, followed by a thump as Chrissy goes in search of more liquor. “My children,” the Master whimpers. At that moment, the PhDbs orbiting the Earth all start swooping in, chanting “protect the paradox.” The Doctor jumps up and yells “Captain, the paradox machine!” Captain who? Oh...right. Jack orders the guys who were JUST pointing rifles at them to follow him. Because their loyalties are that easily changed? Or...what? The Master gets up and pulls something from an inner jacket pocket. I’m guessing it’s Jack’s vortex manipulator because the Doctor screams “no!” and runs over, his hands touching it just as it teleports them from the ship. I jump as a bottle of cheap white wine bangs down on the table beside me. Chrissy: I walk away for two minutes and they’re in a rock quarry? Diandra: Vortex manipulator. Chrissy: Uh-huh. *pours wine* Say when. Diandra: Next Saturday. The rock quarry turns out to be the same one Martha and Tom were in when they saw the shipyard. The Master stands on the cliff overlooking the rockets quivering, getting ready to ejaculate into the sky. Sorry, I mean take off. Chrissy: No, you don’t. Diandra: No, I really don’t. He spreads his arms and bellows “now it ends, Doctor!” Alarms start bleating and white “smoke” dribbles out of the rockets. The Doctor tells the Master that he can’t launch them because they have control of the Valiant now. The Master waves something he says is a “Black Hole converter” at him and says there’s one in every ship. “If I can’t have this world, Doctor, then neither can you. We shall stand upon this Earth together as it burns!” Chrissy: Oh, I’m sure there are more creative things you could be doing at the end of the world than STANDING. Diandra: *long pause* Chrissy: What? Diandra: I’m just...trying to scrub my brain of the picture that just jumped into it. Chrissy: It involve the Doctor and the Master fucking? Diandra: Did you ever read the “Lost” fic I wrote called “Blood and Sacrifice”? Chrissy: So, yes is what you’re saying. Diandra: Except more disturbing. Chrissy: Awesome. On the ship, Jack and several armed guards are running below decks. Martha finds the control room and flutters frantically around the control panels as she sees that all six billion PhDbs are headed for them. Jack opens the door to the room the TARDiS is being stored in to find three PhDbs guarding it. He and both guards shoot at them for a solid minute which of course does absolutely nothing as Martha pointed out earlier. One of the men announces that they CAN’T go in or they’ll be slaughtered. Jack says yeah, that happens to him a lot and goes in. By the way, John Barrowman makes a really weird duck face when he’s shooting that thing. I don’t know what that’s about. Meanwhile, the Doctor points out that all the Master has done all these years is “talk and talk and talk”. Takes one to know one. “But over all these years, I’ve had the greatest secret of them all.” Chrissy: I’m in love with you! Diandra: He said SECRET. Chrissy: I’m pregnant and it’s yours! Diandra: How would that even be possible? Chrissy: You’re seriously arguing logistics here? Okay, I’m pregnant and it’s Jack’s! Diandra: More likely, Jack is pregnant and it’s the Doctor’s. Remember the Torchwood pilot back, like, five years ago? Although considering the circumstances it would more likely be the Master’s. Chrissy: You really need to get out of fic writer mode. Diandra: You started it! No, the “secret” is that he knows the Master. And he knows he would never kill himself, which is basically what he’s threatening to do by blowing up the rockets. The Master hands over the black hole do-dad whatzit just as Jack makes it into the TARDiS and starts shooting the shit out of the main (cannibalized) console. Everything wobbles and they fall over and start wrestling for it. Chrissy: You know what would improve this scenario? A mud pit. Diandra: That only works with bikini clad women. Chrissy: Says you. The Vortex Manipulator goes off again. Back on the Valiant, everything is wobbling and the Jones’ are being thrown around. Martha pitches to one side and is caught by the Doctor, who grins at her and yells at everyone to get down because “time is reversing”. Diandra: Remember back on the Torchwood finale when you scoffed at the idea of a magic reset button that would reverse time and undo everything and I said “hold that thought”? This is why. Chrissy: I’m so drunk right now I don’t even care. This show is so bonkers a magic rewind button would actually be the least insane thing about it. Everyone holds on to something on the ship as papers blow around and not a whole lot else happens. On the ground, everyone is screaming and kind of stumbling around from what looks like the combined effects of an earthquake and the world’s laziest tornado. Then they suddenly disappear, along with the shipyards and all the statues of the Master. The Earth continues to spin backward for a while and I half expect to see Superman flying in circles around it. Chrissy: Somewhere in Texas, that idiot Republican congressman is saying “see? I told you this would happen if you built wind turbines!” The spinning stops, everything stabilizes and we get quick shots of normal activity going on around the world (as represented by New York, London, Beijing and Tokyo). The Doctor jumps up, messes around with a control panel a bit and announces that they’ve reverted back one year and one day to the exact time the Master first turned on the paradox machine and unleashed the death balls. He flips on a radio, where a guy from UNIT is demanding to know what’s going on up there because “we just saw the President assassinated!” He concludes that they’ve arrived just after Winters was killed and just before the death balls descended so “everything back to normal, planet Earth restored.” Oh, yeah. The President of the US is still dead, which could very easily cause a war to break out, but everything is FINE. I love how naïve the British are about Americans. It’s kind of refreshing to see people assume we WON’T react to things in the worst way possible. To reiterate: everything that happened after that moment never happened. Oh, and the PhDbs are trapped at the end of the universe with the Thunderdome rejects and possibly a depressed cow. Mother Jones is confused by this declaration because she can still remember everything that happened. The Doctor says that’s because they’re in the eye of the storm and bullshit magic bullshit plot convenience anyone on board the ship will remember and nobody else. Then he gets distracted introducing himself to Martha’s dumbstruck father because he has the attention span of a cocker spaniel. Meanwhile, the Master tries to make a run for it, running straight into a returning Jack, who shouts “woah big fella” and uses a nearby soldier’s handcuffs to restrain him. Chrissy: Bet it won’t be as fun as last time that exact sequence of events happened. Diandra: I was going to ask why he didn’t have his OWN handcuffs, but I like your response better. “So...what do we do with this one,” Jack asks. Oh, honey, I thought you had already worked that one out. Do I need to do the demonstration again? Does somebody have a banana? Martha’s father and sister volunteer answers involving bloodshed. The Doctor scolds them “that’s not the solution!” But Martha’s mom has picked up a gun and is pointing it at the Master already. “All those things,” she says, crying. “They still happened. Because of him.” The Master gives her a deranged look and encourages her to do it already. The Doctor sidles up to her, telling her she’s “better than him” and sort of reaching for the gun but not really because he has a major aversion to touching weapons (one of the things I like about him, actually). Chrissy: The screwdriver doesn’t count as a weapon? How about Jack’s “screwdriver”? Diandra: Respectively: no, and only if you count weapons of love. Chrissy: Ugh. That was terrible. Diandra: Sorry. I think the Vodka is wearing off. Mother Jones drops the gun and cries on the Doctor for a minute before going back to her family. The Master says the Doctor still hasn’t answered his question: “what happens to me?” The Doctor says since the Master is the only other Time Lord in existence, he’s his responsibility now. Translation: “I’m going to keep you chained to the end of my bed in the TARDiS until you learn your lesson”. Chrissy: And what lesson is that exactly? Dinadra: I don’t know. I lost my train of thought again. Chrissy: You also forgot how to spell your own name just now. Dibnwioop: What? Chrissy: The Vodka hasn’t worn off as much as you think it has. Jack protests that the Doctor can’t trust him. The Doctor agrees that he sure can’t. Which is exactly what makes it fun. Maybe he’ll let him take charge every so often when they play “hide the screwdriver”. Chrissy: You know, I think I might go back to slapping you when you make a slash joke. You’re starting to abuse the privilege. Diandra: Remind me never to recap “Sherlock” with you then. Chrissy: Dear God, no. Actually, the Doctor concludes that the only safe place for the Master is the TARDiS. “You mean you’re just going to keep me,” the Master says breathily. Chrissy: Did I say you could talk, Slave? KNEEL! Diandra: Wow, that...came out of your mouth with entirely too much ease. It’s like you’ve said those exact words before. Chrissy: Mmm...you met my ex, didn’t you? The Doctor kind of mutters that yes, if he has to, he’ll just have to make that sacrifice. Jack gives him a hilarious – if unintentional – sideways look that says “are you SHITTING me?” The Doctor adds that maybe he’s been wandering the Universe for too long and it’s time he settled down “now that I’ve got someone to care for.” Jack utterly fails to reply with “I follow you everywhere including to the end of the goddamn universe and freaking DIE for you, repeatedly, and he prances in, kills a few million people and you fall all over yourself to play house with him?! It’s because he has two hearts, isn’t it, you speciesist!” Lucy takes the decision from everybody’s hands, though, as she quietly retrieves the gun and shoots the Master. The Doctor runs to catch him while Jack disarms her. “Always the women,” the Master mutters. Chrissy: Yes, clearly you picked the wrong team. The Doctor apologizes that he didn’t see her. Yeah, that’s kind of the problem. Nobody has been paying attention to her this whole time. “Dying in your arms,” the Master continues. “Happy now?” The Doctor says it’s just a bullet – he can regenerate. The Master’s like yeah, he could, but he refuses to. Wait...that’s...since when do the rules say they can consciously resist regenerating? Chrissy: Are we sure it’s Steven Moffat who messed with the continuity? Diandra: No. Not exclusively. The Doctor leans REALLY CLOSE to the Master’s face and shouts at him to REGENERATE DAMNIT. The Master is like “and spend eternity imprisoned by you? No thanks.” This is when the Doctor starts crying and moaning that after all the “things we’ve done”, it can’t end like this. Chrissy: Don’t worry, baby, we’ll always have Paris. And Gallifrey. And that one time at the top of the London Eye when you were trying out that new setting on your screwdriver and... Diandra: And that one time across the consol of the TARDi...oh, wait, that was, uh...somebody else. The Doctor repeats that they’re the only two left and he can’t just LEAVE HIM, damnit! “How about that,” the Master murmurs, smiling at the Doctor’s distraught expression. “I win.” Then he asks if the drumming will stop now and his eyes roll back in his head and he stops breathing. The Doctor clutches his body to his chest and sobs while everyone else looks on like “seriously, what is this guy’s DAMAGE?” Then he lets out a scream of grief and John Simm – obviously a professional – manages to stay absolutely still and not flinch even though it was right in his ear. Speaking of professional, it’s scenes like this that make me think at least half of the dialogue on this show is beneath David Tenant and probably goes a long way toward explaining why he is usually cited as everybody’s favorite Doctor. And we get a brief scene of the Doctor burning the Master’s body on a pyre on a beach somewhere and walking away. Chrissy: Well, so much for that character that’s been around since the 70s. Thanks, Russell! Diandra: Yeah...not so much. Chrissy: ...what? Diandra: Yeah, he was resurrected a couple years later. Then he disappeared and came back two Doctors later as a woman. Apparently Steven Moffat is experimenting with the gender-switching thing after all. Chrissy: I really don’t get this show. The next day. Or whenever. Martha runs up to Professor Docherty at what I assume is her school, hands her a bunch of flowers and says “I don’t blame you.” “Who are you,” Docherty rightfully asks as Martha runs away again, leaving her staring after this strange girl in bafflement. Okay, can someone explain the concept of time travel to Martha again? I think she might need a refresher. Cardiff. Somewhere on top of the rift it looks like. Jack, Martha and the Doctor are standing at a banister watching the world go by. Martha is marveling that only a short time ago everybody in the world knew the Doctor’s name and now they’ve all forgotten again. Um...they didn’t know his name though. Doctor isn’t his name. Do we need to explain this again too? Chrissy: Oh, please don’t. This recap is getting too long as it is. Diandra: And whose fault is that? Chrissy: Russell T. Davis’ for writing the most ho-yay- rific thing I’ve ever watched you attempt to recap. Jack announces that he needs to get back to work. The Doctor says it’s okay if he wants to come with him again. Really. He doesn’t mind. Chrissy: Yeah, I bet you don’t. Jack says he did a lot of thinking over the past year, which he dubs the Year That Never Was. All he could think about was his team and his responsibilities here on Earth. Plus, there’s the whole ‘just realized I’m sloppy seconds to a crazed Time Lord, so...’ The Doctor shrugs and says he can’t really argue with that. He can, however, sonic Jack’s Vortex Manipulator so he’s not running around with a fully functioning time travel/teleporting device in the 21st century. “You could go anywhere. Twice. The second time to apologize.” Chrissy: Yeah, he really knows him well I see. Diandra: I would think the second time would be to try to prevent the pregnancy or STD acquired from the first time. Jack asks if the Doctor can fix HIM too. “Will I ever be able to die?” The Doctor says nope, sorry. “You’re an impossible thing, Jack.” Jack laughs that he’s been called that before. Among other things less appropriate for the mixed audience that watches this show. He salutes them both (with his hand, yes) and turns to leave. “But I keep wondering,” he says before he even gets one step further. Ugh. It’s like Lord of the Rings. The goodbyes never goddamn END. He babbles a bit about ageing and how does that work with an immortal exactly? Because he’s starting to get a few gray hairs so...”What happens if I live for a million years?” Oh, but it’s probably just the vanity talking because he used to be some sort of model back on the Boshane Peninsula (way the hell in the future). “I was the first one ever to be signed up for the Time Agency.” People were so impressed, they dubbed him the Face of Boe. Then he’s like ‘eh, well, see ya!’ and runs off, totally oblivious to the fact that the Doctor and Martha have suddenly stopped smiling and are staring at him, wide-eyed. “It can’t be,” Martha gasps and the Doctor repeats variations on “not a chance in hell” until they finally just break down laughing because shit, didn’t see that one coming. Chrissy: Seems like a giant evolutionary step backwards to go from pretty boy there to a giant, creepy face in a tank. Diandra: A giant telepathic face. There’s another little detail that reinforces this though: you know how I reminded you earlier about Jack joking about that one time he was pregnant in the pilot of Torchwood? There was a throwaway line in an episode the first year Russell T. Davis took over Doctor Who. A news report in the background said the Face of Boe had announced he was pregnant. Chrissy: Oh, we’re back to the mpreg thing again. You know, between that and the ho-yay factor, I’m getting a clearer understanding with each passing episode of just what it is you like about this show. The Jones’ place. The Doctor watches through a window from the street as Martha talks with her family. Mother Jones catches his eye and they share an understanding look. He kind of smiles and disappears into the TARDiS, bypassing the coat rack by the door to throw his jacket over one of the twisting coral beams (why did he even bother with the coat rack in the first place then?). He kind of wanders around the console for a minute so the audience can register all the details of the ship, including the addition of the glass case with his hand floating in it, which will no longer be a prop on Torchwood. Chrissy: That’s a creepy conversation starter. Hey, wanna see the hand I keep in a jar? Diandra: I don’t know if it was more or less creepy that Jack had it. Chrissy: Depends on what he was using it for. He sits and puts his feet up on the console to wait for Martha. Martha, meanwhile, is trying to call Tom on her cell phone. He picks up the phone at whatever hospital he’s working in A&E for and she hangs up, apparently content with the knowledge that he’s alive and well. Chrissy: And she interrupted his clearly important job for that? Diandra: Yeah. Between this and the Docherty thing, I’m thinking she’s not really grasping the whole concept of alternate history and people not remembering things that never happened. Chrissy: I may have to be more forgiving of Gwen from now on. Diandra: Oh, good. Glad to know this little side trip wasn’t wasted. Martha enters the TARDiS and the Doctor jumps up and starts babbling about where they should go next, totally ignoring that she is just kind of staring at him like she has something IMPORTANT to say if he’ll shut up for a minute. She doesn’t need to though because when he sees her expression his face falls and he just says “okay.” She says she just can’t do this anymore. She spent years training to be a doctor and her family has just been through a year of trauma and she just can’t abandon them and blah blah blee. He thanks her for everything she’s done and they hug. She asks if he’s going to be okay. Eh, no, but go ahead. His best companion should be coming back any day now. You won’t be missed for long. She kisses his cheek and runs off. Then she hesitates outside and goes back in, babbling about this friend Vicky and this guy she shared student housing with named Shaun and she was completely in love with him and could never seem to shut up about him. “Is this going anywhere,” the Doctor asks, bless him. Seriously, you couldn’t LEAVE IT ALONE?! She says yes, Shaun never gave Vicky a second glance. He was completely and utterly oblivious to her slavering devotion to him and OH MY GOD SHUT UP I HATE YOU. I’m sorry, I know fans of the show liked her and think she was one of the best companions but for the life of me I can’t figure out why. She is the strongest, smartest and most capable, yes, but much of the time she managed to COMPLETELY IGNORE all of that and act like a love-struck teenager following the Doctor around in the hopes that one day he would pay attention to her. I HATE this about her. And I think what pisses me off more than the fact that she has this puppy dog devotion is the fact that she COULD BE so much more awesome and badass if she would just KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF. Chrissy: You have been incredibly restrained for most of the last three recaps, haven’t you? Diandra: Sorry. I think I’ve had just enough alcohol to turn off whatever filter I may have in my brain. Chrissy: You have a filter? Anyway, the point of her stupid story is that her friend wasted years pining after this guy who was totally ignoring her and totally missing opportunities with guys who actually would give her the time of day. And since Martha is better at giving advice than taking it, she always told Vicky to get out of there and now she’s decided it’s time to take her own advice. Except she tosses him her phone and says if and when that number rings, she expects him to answer it, because...I have no fucking idea what she hopes to get out of this. I’m just going to stop trying to understand her because it’s giving me headaches. She says she’ll see him again and finally, mercifully, leaves. He takes a moment to kind of gaze wistfully into the distance (or make sure she’s really gone this time, who knows?), and then flips the lever to take off. And now we flash back to the Master’s body burning on that beach after the Doctor walked away. A ring with Gallifreyan symbols falls off the pyre and a woman’s hand with bright red painted nails picks it up. A distant voice cackles a bit. Yeah, like I said, this is just temporary but I’m not recapping any more episodes with the Master so let me summarize: that’s Lucy. She made some sort of wacko deal with somebody to resurrect the Master and he came back as some sort of cross between Hannibal Lecter and Skeletor (or Ghost Rider...I’m not really sure which). It was really weird and really the only highlight of it was the scenes with Donna’s dad and that one part where the Master ties the Doctor to a bondage chair. Chrissy: Wait...what? Diandra: I’ll text you the pictures. The Doctor pushes a few buttons and flips a few switches and then a ship horn blares and the prow of a ship blasts into the side of the TARDiS via such half-ass special effects that I can actually see green screen when I hit the pause button. The horn blares at him a couple more times petulantly while he repeatedly splutters “WHAT?” in a steadily increasing pitch. He crawls through the debris caused by the collision and picks up a life preserver, flipping it over to reveal the name “Titanic” emblazoned on it. He looks up at the prow, drops his voice back to a normal register, and adds “what?” Chrissy: So eloquent, isn’t he? And now you’re going to have to explain what this is about because it looks awesome. Diandra: Yeah, it was mostly a disappointment, actually. It’s a spaceship designed by a race of alien fascinated by Earthlings. They identified it as the most famous ship in Earth history, but neglected to figure out WHY it was the most famous. The rest of the episode was batshit nuts. Chrissy: Ah...well, I think we’re out of liquor, so we’ll have to restock before going back to Torchwood recaps. Diandra: I thought we were going to try to drink less during recaps? Chrissy: Why? Diandra: ...fine.