"Torchwood, episode 2x04: Meat"

Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Burn Gorman, Naoko Mori, 
Gareth David-Lloyd, Kai Owen


We begin with Rhys (remember him?) driving down the road 
singing loudly with a radio commercial jingle. His phone rings 
and, because he’s not American, he actually pulls over to the 
side of the road to answer it. It’s somebody named Ruth and, 
while we don’t hear her side of the conversation, obviously 
something has gone wrong. He says he’ll be over right away.

He arrives at the scene of an accident so big the police seem 
to have blocked off both sides of the highway. One of the 
officers tells him to stay back and move his car and he says 
he’s the manager of Harwood Haulage and apparently this is one 
of their semis that jackknifed. The cop says he can check on 
the vehicle later. Rhys doesn’t care about the vehicle: he 
knows the driver. A stretcher with the body of the driver is 
wheeled into view just then and the paramedic throws a blanket 
over him as the cop confirms that the driver didn’t make it. He 
asks if Rhys can give him some details then and Rhys numbly 
gives the guy the driver’s name and the name of his wife and 
then he just moans that the wife just had a baby. Because of 
course he did. The cop prompts him for an address before he 
totally falls into the ‘but he was so young and he had his 
whole life ahead of him’ mind trap. The ambulance takes the 
body away and he recovers his senses and says he’ll need to 
arrange for somebody to move the truck. The cop says there’s 
something suspicious in the back of it, so he can’t do that 
yet. Rhys protests that it’s just meat that was headed for the 
abattoir. Cop says Torchwood needs to have to look at it first. 
This is the cue for the SUV to pull up. Rhys stares at his wife 
as she piles out with the rest of the team.
   Chrissy: Wait...doesn’t he know who she works for?
   Diandra: I can’t remember if she told him at any point 
    other than that one time that he died and time reversed 
    and his memory of everything was wiped. 
   Chrissy: Ugh. Sci-fis are confusing.

Bleeping credits.

The team ducks into what I assume is supposed to be the back of 
the semi (even though it looks bigger) and coughs at the 
apparently disgusting smell of the burst packages of meat. Jack 
pokes at one with his shoe and notes that there aren’t any 
bones in it – it’s all just really dense flesh. And since there 
haven’t been any recent sightings of cows big enough to produce 
blocks of pure flesh that big they should probably take a 
sample back to the lab and try to figure out what it is. Gwen 
steps out to tell an officer that they need to confiscate the 
contents of the van. Jack asks Ianto, who has been hanging 
back, if he found anything. He says it belongs to Harwood, so 
they’ll need to ask someone there. Gwen happens to be passing 
and pipes up that that is the company Rhys works for. Yes, and 
he’s been hovering near the scene gawking at all of you for the 
past few minutes. Not that anybody has noticed him because 
apparently nobody ever notices him. Though he seems to be 
trying to keep it that way because he ducks behind vehicles to 
stay hidden from Gwen’s line of sight as the team finishes 
packing everything up and returns to the SUV. He gets back in 
his car and tries to follow them, but a cop stops him because 
that involves going over the barricade. 

Hub. Owen has already run enough tests to determine that 
whatever the thing was once, it had a vertebra. But it’s DNA 
doesn’t match any animal known on Earth. Also, whoever is 
farming it already knows its questionable origin because the 
vet stamp on the packaging declaring it fit for human 
consumption is clearly fake.
   Chrissy: So probably Monsanto.
Jack orders Tosh to contact the firm and find out where the 
meat came from and where it was going. Gwen grumbles that the 
possibly corrupt meat hauling company just HAD to be the place 
her husband works. Jack asks if she wants to stand down. She 
says no, she wants to find out what’s going on. She immediately 
proves that this is probably not a good idea when Tosh 
questions aloud whether the haulage firm might be in on it and 
she splutters that no, they couldn’t possibly because Rhys just 
hires out the vans and he has no idea what goes into them. Tosh 
asks if she has his direct number and she goes off to retrieve 
her cell. 

The phone on one of the desks in the trailer Rhys is apparently 
working out of rings and a woman answers. She tells Rhys it’s 
the police and transfers the call to him. He doesn’t recognize 
the voice on the other end and we don’t hear the question, but 
we cut back to the hub where his voice is coming through the 
speaker, explaining that the firm that was using the truck was 
called Harris and Harris. They’ve only been working with them 
for a few months on a weekly contract. Tosh asks if they’re 
licensed. Rhys is like ‘well, duh, what do you take us for, 
lady?’ Follow up question: would you know a fake license if you 
saw one? Tosh asks for their address. Rhys looks down at the 
paperwork and then at his co-worker when he realizes there’s no 
address anywhere on it. She says they just have a pick up 
location because they said it was hard to find. Yeah, that 
doesn’t sound suspicious at ALL.
   Chrissy: Why does this large shipping container of 
    “meat” have air holes?
   Diandra: SHUT UP! DON’T ASK ANY QUESTIONS!
Rhys apologetically gives Tosh the only address he has: a 
service station off the highway 15 miles outside of Cardiff. 
Tosh asks for a contact number. Rhys looks at the paper and up 
at the co-worker again like ‘are you fucking KIDDING me?’ and 
says no, they didn’t provide that either. Tosh asks why the 
driver took the shipment. Rhys says he was taking the meat to 
the Caerwen abattoir, which is a processing plant. Tosh asks 
what time he left. Rhys flips through records and gives her the 
time he signed out and then asks what this is all about. Tosh 
says she can’t release that information and thanks him for 
cooperating, then hangs up quickly.
   Chrissy: And at this point Gwen is thinking ‘great. My 
    husband is a massive dolt.’
   Diandra: Oh, she already knew that, I’m sure. 

Rhys slams the phone down and mutters that this is just fucking 
BRILLIANT. His co-worker – who is apparently Ruth - says that 
aside from the first booking, they worked exclusively with that 
driver so they didn’t have much to do with it. Rhys snaps that 
that doesn’t matter because now it looks like they’re hiding 
something. It’s okay, sweetie. It wouldn’t take long for anyone 
to realize that you’re too clueless to be intentionally hiding 
anything.

Hub. Ianto announces that he’s traced the truck on traffic 
cameras and determined that, based on the path it took and the 
amount of time it would have taken to load, the place they’re 
looking for is within a ten mile radius. Owen calls Jack into 
the surgical theater suddenly. Everyone else trails behind him. 
Owen says the meat is definitely alien. Tosh says if they’re 
sending it to a processing plant that means it’s going into the 
food supply. Gwen says that would mean people have been eating 
it for months already. Owen says the DNA is “stable” and other 
than traces of animal sedative he can’t find any diseases or 
anything that would harm humans so it’s probably safe to eat. 
“Would YOU eat it,” Gwen asks with a grossed-out expression. 
Yeah, history shows that humans are spectacularly terrible at 
questioning where their food comes from and what, exactly, is 
in it. I would say Americans are the biggest offenders here 
given our tendency to eat at fast food restaurants that form 
burgers out of processed, mutant pink slime but the UK found 
horsemeat in their beef supply, what, a year ago? Ianto 
interrupts to announce that the pizzas he ordered have arrived. 
And he made sure to get Owen’s usual, which is, of course, the 
meat lover’s special. Everyone looks nauseous.

Cut to Owen delicately picking pieces of ham, pepperoni and 
possibly space alien from a slice while Ianto says he’s 
narrowed the location of the supplier to three areas. Luckily, 
only one of the warehouses is unoccupied, so they can probably 
safely assume that’s the one they want. Jack says they have to 
shut down this place and identify what this mystery alien meat 
is. Um...duh? Gwen is distracted when Rhys sends her a text 
asking if he can see her. She says she has to go home and check 
on Rhys before she does anything else. Jack, mouth full of 
pizza, says that’s a good idea because she can find out what he 
knows. Haven’t we been over this? Also, were you raised in a 
barn? Gwen’s like yeaaaaahh, not what I meant. Bye!

House of Secrets and Lies. Rhys is sitting at the kitchen 
counter when Gwen clomps in and brightly asks how he’s doing. 
He says it’s been kind of a rough day actually because one of 
the lorries at work crashed. Gwen asks if anyone was hurt. Rhys 
says his driver, Leighton, was killed. He was 24. Gwen acts 
appropriately sympathetic. Rhys is like yeah, and then the 
police confiscated the meat that was in his van and does she 
have any idea why? “How would I know,” Gwen asks. 
   Chrissy: Yep. Just keep digging that grave.
   Diandra: The other casualty of all of this is whatever 
    trust their relationship might have once been founded 
    on.
Rhys reminds her that she supposedly works for the police. So I 
guess the blissful cluelessness required to believe that the 
person you live with is a banker or an airline manufacturing 
rep or a travel agent despite the fact that they work 
ridiculous hours and routinely come home with mysterious 
bruises extends beyond the worlds of “Alias” and “The 
Americans”. She says she doesn’t deal with traffic accidents. 
Rhys looks at her like ‘I don’t even know who you are anymore’ 
and says at any rate, the police called and asked a bunch of 
questions but he doesn’t know anything since he just hires out 
the trucks. She says then he shouldn’t have anything to worry 
about, right? His expression doesn’t change. He says obviously 
something “dodgy” was going on. She stresses that even if there 
was, he DIDN’T know anything. They stare at each other for a 
while and she apologizes that she has to go back to work. She 
kisses him and tells him to go have a beer with one of his 
buddies or something. He waits until approximately three 
seconds after she walks out the door and follows her because, 
of course, this was the real reason he called her: it gives him 
another chance to track her.

Millenium Stadium. Rhys watches Gwen walk across the plaza from 
the car some distance away. Jack seems to appear out of nowhere 
to greet Gwen because he obviously just stepped off the 
invisible lift. Gwen says Rhys has no idea what’s going on. 
Yeah, it turns out that blissful cluelessness goes both ways. 
Jack makes a show of playfully asking her to accompany him to 
the slaughterhouse and she threads her arm through his. She 
asks if he’s ever eaten alien meat. He says sure. She asks what 
it was like. Predictably, he says “he seemed to enjoy it.”
   Chrissy: Here we go with the giant openings to well-used 
    jokes again...
   Diandra: Hmm, yes. Although Jack will take any opening, 
    honestly. He’s not that discriminating.
It takes a couple beats for the joke to click in Gwen’s mind 
and she laughs. Rhys, meanwhile, sees her walking away arm-in-
arm with some tall handsome stranger and laughing happily. And 
again, I honestly can’t remember where we are on this front. I 
don’t think Rhys remembers Gwen admitting her affair with Owen 
because she ret-conned him, but I’m guessing we’re going down 
the “she must be having an affair” road here because THAT NEVER 
GETS OLD.
   Chrissy: Though I suppose the fact that she was having 
    an affair before with a different guy throws a bit of a 
    monkey wrench into the cliché since she can’t deny that 
    she’s cheated on him.
   Diandra: And I guess it’s safer for her to assume she’s 
    cheating with Jack since Rhys can’t hurt him. He could 
    probably snap Owen like a twig.
   Chrissy: ...I say we tell him about Owen.
   Diandra: How did I know you would say that?

They drive through what looks like a landfill and Jack’s voice 
over tells Ianto and Owen they’re on their way and asks how 
things are looking at the slaughterhouse. Ianto says it’s 
pretty quiet. Oh, and there’s s deserted access road off to one 
side so “we won’t get noticed. I’ll direct you in.”
   Chrissy: IANTO! I thought we agreed we would wait until 
   we got back to the hub!
They turn onto the road and somehow utterly fail to notice the 
small car following them down the otherwise deserted road. Rhys 
pulls off to the side somewhere to watch the group move around 
the building. Ianto says they’ll have to use the main entrance 
because the rest are all padlocked. Jack asks how many are 
inside. Owen says they can’t tell because there aren’t any 
windows. Tosh, back at the hub, interjects to say that she’s 
pulled up the blueprints of the warehouse and whatever they’re 
looking for has got to be in the dead center of the building. 
Owen says the sensor is picking up a heat signature across the 
entire length of it.

Gwen’s phone rings. She looks at Rhys’ name printing out and 
hits the direct to voicemail button. Jack directs Ianto and 
Owen to take the sides while he and Gwen go in the front. He 
says they don’t want any casualties, so just stun anyone they 
come across. Ianto asks if Owen brought the alarm deactivator. 
Owen pulls out a gun and shoots the padlock off one of the 
doors. Ianto is like ‘or you could do that. That works too.’

Rhys gets out of his car and wanders past a sign that says keep 
out, dialing his phone. Gwen and Jack approach the building and 
hesitate when they see him. They watch as a car pulls up to 
Rhys and Jack decides that this must mean he’s in on whatever 
is going on here. They are too far away to hear when one of the 
guys who gets out of the car tells Rhys not to bother running 
and announces to somebody over his walkie talkie that they have 
a problem.

Ianto and Owen have just kicked the door open when Jack orders 
them to stand down.

Gwen babbles that Rhys promised he had no idea what was going 
on and he wouldn’t lie to her because he’s the honest one in 
the relationship. Well, she doesn’t say that last part, but 
let’s assume. She thinks something must be wrong and tries to 
run to him. Jack grabs her and shoves her against the nearest 
wall. They pause for several moments too long in a position 
that, if Rhys were to see it, would do absolutely nothing to 
convince him they aren’t having an affair. She says she has to 
get Rhys out of there. He asks how she plans to do that, 
exactly: just charge in and knock him out? “You have to do as I 
say.” How is that different from what she normally does?
   Chrissy: What show have you been watching? She’s usually 
   the first to question his orders.

The goons/security escort Rhys into the building, meeting 
another goon – probably the one on the other end of the walkie 
– before coming to a room where guys in protective clothing are 
bringing in large bricks of meat. There’s a low moaning sound 
in the background. The lead goon says they should have waited 
for the ketamine injection before they started doing this. One 
of the workers says something about the hoses and Lead Goon 
says those are just lidocaine. One of the goons who found Rhys 
tells him to go work for the RSPCA and orders one of the 
workers to grab a meat cleaver and follow him.

They take Rhys into a side room for questioning. They ask who 
sent him. He babbles that he’s just looking for “the boss”. 
   Chrissy: Ugh. Springsteen fan. Probably too stoned to 
    realize he got the wrong address for the concert.
   Diandra: I think you have Bruce Springsteen confused 
    with Willie Nelson. Don’t be disrespecting The Boss!
He says he works for Harwood and gives the nearest one his 
card. He badly tries to bullshit that their driver told him 
what was going on here. Luckily, they’re stupid, so they 
actually believe that. The one I thought was the lead goon 
earlier – who has a sort of emo hair thing going on - grumbles 
that they paid the mouthy shit to keep quiet. Rhys says yeah, 
well...his truck crashed and he’s dead. They look at each 
other, alarmed, and ask if the “goods” were inside the truck 
and if anybody saw them. Rhys lies that he picked it up and 
incinerated it before anybody could see it. He says he was 
hoping he could continue the deal the driver had with them 
himself. Emo Goon asks how they know HE won’t report them. 
Possible actual lead goon asks what the driver told him 
exactly. Rhys clears his throat and says um...er...everything. 
Yeah, all of it. The whole...um... ‘cleaning old meat’? Thing? 
Emo Goon is like ‘yeah, he didn’t tell you jack’.

Lucky for Rhys, they’re dumb enough to go along with this and 
they just bring him to the main part of the slaughterhouse. The 
moaning sound gets louder and is now accompanied by the 
occasional squeal. Rhys stares slackjawed at what looks like a 
giant blob with an eye that blinks at him. 
   Chrissy: They’ve captured Jabba the Hut!
He jumps back, startled, and asks what the hell it is. Head 
goon says they don’t know, but it keeps growing no matter how 
many times they cut into it. The camera pans back so we can see 
the airplane sized slug thing held to the floor with cables 
that may or may not be a space whale.
   Chrissy: I can’t tell if you’re trying to be funny and 
    making things up or actually referencing stuff from 
    “Doctor Who”.
   Diandra: One of the first episodes after Stephen Moffat 
    took over with the Eleventh Doctor was about how in the 
    29th Century England would be a giant spaceship ruled 
    by a black warrior princess named Elizabeth the Tenth. 
    The ship is mounted on the back of the last known space 
    whale, just floating around until Earth becomes 
    habitable again. Or they find another Earth. Something. 
    I might be confusing it with Battlestar Gallatica a 
    little bit.
   Chrissy: ................
   Diandra: Yeah, I believe I’ve mentioned before that 
    these shows are nuts.
   Chrissy: Actually, I was just thinking ‘yeah, that 
    sounds about right’ and wondering at what point my 
    barometer for weirdness with all things “Doctor Who” 
    related recalibrated.
Rhys spots one of the workers either injecting something into 
the alien animal or drilling into it and turns to throw up.

Jack and Gwen are still hovering outside when the lead goon 
escorts Rhys back out to his car. Rhys smiles, shakes his hand, 
says a few words we don’t hear and then hurries to his car and 
high-tails it out of there.

He is back at the flat desperately sucking down a beer 
(probably not his first) when Gwen arrives. She’s barely in the 
door before she loudly demands to know what the HELL he was 
doing out at that warehouse. He yells that she LIED to him 
because he knows she was at the crash scene and he’s tired of 
her treating him like the idiot she clearly takes him for. She 
asks if those men are paying him. He says no, HE will be asking 
the questions for the rest of the foreseeable future of this 
conversation okay? He says he followed her and launches into 
the predictable offensive. “The tall bloke in the coat...you 
fucking him or what?” She stares at him with a wide eyed, 
offended look that she doesn’t really have the moral high 
ground to be mustering at that question and says all she ever 
asked was for him to trust her. He says she’s one to talk since 
she obviously doesn’t trust him. Also because she actually did 
cheat on him and got him killed and rewound time to fix it, but 
he doesn’t know that. She says there are things he couldn’t 
possibly understand and he goes back to the ‘you just think I’m 
stupid’ argument. Then he goes flying off the rails and demands 
to know why she even agreed to marry him if he’s such a moron 
that she has to keep these big secrets from him. “What am I, 
just a habit you can’t be arsed to break?” Where the hell is 
that coming from? He doesn’t have to push much further before 
she screams FINE, the special ops assignment she said she was 
on was all a cover story. Before she can say what it is, 
though, he screams about how it took her a whole YEAR to tell 
him this and is there anything about her life that’s actually 
real? She says yes, “us”. He laughs hysterically at this. She 
shrieks that she doesn’t ENJOY keeping things from him, she’s 
doing it to PROTECT him. And rather than consider that 
possibility for one fucking second, he went ahead and blundered 
into an ongoing investigation because his heart might be in the 
right place, but “his brain is a million miles fucking back.” 
Rather than point out that she’s essentially calling him an 
idiot again, he presses her to tell him what, exactly, he needs 
her to protect him from. “I catch aliens,” she shouts. There’s 
a long pause and then he scoffs “piss off” and accuses her of 
not taking things seriously. She says THIS is why she couldn’t 
tell him and repeats that yes, she hunts aliens for a living 
and collects the technology they leave behind. He theorizes 
that she’s either crazy or she’s been brainwashed or something 
because what she’s saying is bananas. 
   Chrissy: Yeah, welcome to the show, pal. Why don’t you 
   go get another beer because, trust me, you’re gonna NEED 
   IT.

Gwen sits down and calmly tells him that everything she is 
saying is true and she has wanted SO MANY TIMES to tell him 
about this. She sits back and sighs in relief. “Have you never 
seen something so mad, so extraordinary that just for one 
second you think that there might be more out there?” The man 
who just looked a giant alien blob in the eye says oh yeah? 
“Prove it.”
   Chrissy: Oh good, we get to explain everything to him 
   all over again because he doesn’t remember that he came 
   face to face with a Weevil last year.

Apparently Gwen decides to give the team prior warning because 
the next scene has them all standing around like they’re 
waiting for a bomb to drop. Ianto notes that this is 
unprecedented: the fiancé of one of their own finding out their 
secrets. Okay, two things. First: you guys are so  incompetent 
with the whole top secret thing it’s a miracle EVERYBODY hasn’t 
found out about you at this point. Second: no, it really isn’t. 
You just all have a habit of forming your romantic 
relationships with each other and people/aliens you meet on one 
of your cases and THOSE are often cut short by said 
person/alien dying or disappearing into the time stream they 
came from so you don’t have to actually LIVE with a civilian 
knowing everything. Or, as Tosh points out: everyone but Gwen 
is single and pathetic. Owen shrugs that off by insisting that 
he’s perfectly happy not having the hassle of a relationship. 
Because the writers are obviously nudging us toward a possible 
romantic relationship between Owen and Tosh, Tosh suggests the 
“answer” would be for him to date somebody who knows what he 
does. “Look around you, Tosh. Only we know what we do,” Owen 
says cluelessly. Tosh looks embarrassed and sips at a glass of 
wine like ‘well, that’s the last time I go for subtlety.’ Ianto 
glances at Jack and sips his beer and I can’t figure out if 
anybody is supposed to know about them yet.

Outside, Gwen takes Rhys to the invisible lift. He says he saw 
her here with “that bloke” earlier who just seemed to appear 
out of nowhere. She says it’s “too complicated” to explain and 
pulls him up onto the lift. 
   Chrissy: No, it probably isn’t, but nobody seems to be 
   able to do it.
He marvels at the crazy ass world he’s lowered into like the 
noob he is. He says the pterodactyl that flies overhead looks 
“so real”. Gwen says um...it is. “They’re extinct, Gwen,” he 
says in a patronizing tone. Yeah, NOW they are. But there’s 
this staple of science fiction called “time travel”. Might want 
to get used to it. Jack walks over to introduce himself when 
the lift hits bottom, but everyone else kind of hovers in the 
background while Gwen introduces them. Jack welcomes Rhys to 
their headquarters and Rhys responds with something Jack has 
probably heard before: “it’s a bit bigger than mine.” Jack, 
Rhys and Gwen laugh and everyone else purses their lips like “I 
am NOT going there.” Rhys decides to get down to basics. He 
says Gwen tells him they catch aliens. Owen recites the 
textbook purpose (now anyway) of Torchwood to monitor the rift 
in space and time that runs through Cardiff and handle whatever 
slips through from other planets and timelines. Rhys turns to 
Gwen and asks if she’s sure this isn’t just some weird sort of 
cult. Gwen reminds him that he saw that thing in the warehouse 
and prompts him to describe it to Jack. Rhys says it was a 
ginormous blob that took up almost the whole space. Tosh pipes 
up that this explains the heat signature: it’s one massive 
entity. Owen says his latest test shows high levels of 
chloride, which would suggest it used to live in water and it 
beached itself when it came through the rift. 

Ianto asks how they got it to the warehouse because if it fills 
the whole space it would have to be nearly fifty meters long. 
Rhys suggests it was smaller when they found it because one of 
them said it was growing. This gets Jack’s attention. “It’s not 
dead?” Would it be giving off a heat signature if it was? Owen 
says that would mean the protein chain is regenerating. Every 
time they cut a chunk, it both regenerates the flesh cut away 
and multiplies it. Tosh, somehow viewing this as something 
other than horrifying animal cruelty, thinks if they could 
figure out how it worked they could solve world hunger. Ugh. 
No. Jack reminds them that right now they’re dealing with a 
“dodgy” meat supply coming from an animal that is being carved 
up alive. Oh, and they totally could have put a stop to this 
already if Rhys hadn’t messed up their plans. Rhys protests 
that he thought Gwen was in “danger”. Um. Not exactly true. You 
thought she was banging Jack. Jack informs Rhys that Gwen is 
perfectly capable of handling herself and all he did was mess 
up their mission and insure that the warehouse will have 
tightened security now, making it difficult for them to try 
again. Oh, and he’s a caveman. Rhys snaps that if Jack would 
stop showing off for two seconds and ASK him what happened in 
there he would have said that he told them he was the new 
delivery guy so, you know, they have a way in. Oh, and he can 
go fuck himself.
   Chrissy: I’m sure he’s tried that before. 
   Diandra: Ew.
Jack, who has Rhys so far up his grill that he can probably 
tell exactly what he had for lunch, turns to Gwen and says 
“this is quite homoerotic.” Gwen treats this as the throwaway 
attempt at diffusion that it probably is and says her fiancé is 
NOT helping them get in. Jack just calls a team meeting, points 
at Rhys and adds “you too.” He marches toward the conference 
room and everyone else kind of trails slowly behind.

Conference room. Rhys points at various spots on the blueprints 
of the warehouse to identify the room where they keep the 
animal, the room where they keep all the drugs they use on it 
and the room where they store the meat. Gwen is like ‘that’s 
nice, thank you, you’re still not getting us in there.’ Rhys 
says they’re already expecting him and the team can hide in the 
back of the van. Gwen says there’s no way in hell they’re 
involving him. Rhys asks where he was when SHE decided to get 
involved in this. Did she think about how that would affect 
him. Owen mutters “oh, joy. A domestic.” Jack interrupts the 
spat before Gwen can get more worked up than she already is to 
say Rhys is right: this is their best way into the warehouse. 
He says they’ll use stun guns only. Owen says they’ve dealt 
with bigger operations than this, why can’t they just storm in 
with guns waving and arrest everybody. I’m going to go with: 
because you’re not an American cowboy? Jack says because these 
guys aren’t organized criminals. If the team goes in armed to 
the teeth, they’ll just destroy the evidence and run for the 
hills. He says Rhys can load the truck. Gwen starts to protest, 
but Jack interrupts that she doesn’t HAVE to come with them. In 
fact, it might be a good idea if she doesn’t because their 
relationship could potentially be a vulnerability. I hope 
somebody remembers this after your relationship with Ianto goes 
public. She says like hell he’s going in without her. Rhys 
tries to get her on board with the plan and she tries to 
impress upon him that this is real and dangerous and REAL. “And 
if you mess up, I will kill you!” Rhys sits down and Tosh, 
shaking off the startled expression that outburst prompted, 
lays out the plan. They will stun the workers and then put the 
poor animal out of its misery. Jack says no, they’re going to 
save it and “send it back” the next time the rift opens. “Guess 
who’ll have to look after it in the meantime,” Ianto mutters. 
Tosh thinks this hardly falls under their mission parameters. 
Jack argues that it’s a living creature that needs their 
protection. Rhys pipes up that they couldn’t hear the sounds it 
was making from outside. Owen points out that this plan might 
be impossible if it’s continually growing. Jack thinks they can 
find a way to stop the mutation. Because finding a way to fix 
things has worked out so well for him in the past. Whatever. He 
insists that they are DOING THIS and that is final. Everyone 
but Gwen and Rhys scurries off and Gwen quietly notes “so you 
do have a heart.” Jack looks from her to Rhys and says they see 
enough death as it is.

Tosh finds Owen at one of the more private work stations, 
frowning at a computer rendering of what the alien looks like 
based on the genetic information he has. She says it’s “lovely” 
despite the fact that it looks like a giant tadpole. She 
awkwardly adds “you’re just a big softie, aren’t you” and goes 
to touch his back, pulling her arm back as he walks away from 
her muttering something about a report. She offers him a plate 
of cheese and pickle sandwiches because the British really will 
eat anything. She offers to keep him company because she’s not 
tired. He says in that case, maybe she should do the report 
because he’s exhausted. 
   Chrissy: Honey, I know your last two relationships ended 
   badly, but you could do SO MUCH BETTER. Just GIVE UP.
Owen looks at Rhys and Gwen sitting on the couch in the next 
room and mutters something about another “lump” out of its 
natural habitat. 
   Chrissy: Say that to his face. Please. I dare you.
Tosh looks at them wistfully and says it makes you wonder 
whether it IS possible to balance a relationship and this job. 
Then she makes the following bizarre segue: “do you fancy a 
game of pool sometime?”
   Chrissy: Ah, English euphemisms are so adorable.
   Diandra: Except it’s like golf: the balls go in the 
    hole, not the stick.
   Chrissy: You had to go and ruin it, didn’t you?
Right, I forgot this is what she was doing with Tommy. She 
thinks they work so much it might be nice to have some fun for 
once. Owen says yeah, what the hell. He’ll just check with the 
rest of the team and they can play teams.
   Chrissy: He is still talking about actually playing 
    billiards right now, right?
   Diandra: God, I hope so.
He thanks her for the sandwiches and walks away, completely 
oblivious to her GODDAMNIT, YOU CLUELESS IDIOT face.

Meanwhile, Rhys is telling Gwen he sort of assumed she was 
working in anti-terrorism. Which was bad enough. She says he 
doesn’t have to do this. He doesn’t have to prove anything to 
her. He looks around and jokes that he can’t just leave her 
with “all these sexy young men” now. She lies that she can only 
see ONE sexy man and kisses him, very pointedly looking at Jack 
over his shoulder as she’s doing it. Which is not at all creepy 
except for the fact that it totally is.

Jack drives Rhys to his trailer office at Harwood and asks 
again if he’s sure about this. He says yes, and marches into 
his trailer, Jack trailing after him. Ruth brushes past Jack to 
hand Rhys his tea and a Danish. Jack announces that he is 
clearly in the wrong line of business. Sweet, clueless Ruth 
turns to him and says “we have got job vacancies.” Jack smiles 
wickedly and says maybe she could “fit [him] in”. She says 
she’d be delighted to. Oh my GOD lady, run for your life!
   Chrissy: Oh, because you would?
   Diandra: Probably not, but I’m not this innocent and 
    naïve.
Oh, we’re not done. He asks if he needs a trucking license 
which...I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be cute or 
insulting. She says yes, but that only takes four weeks and 
then “you can go long distance.” He leans close to her ear and 
murmurs “that wouldn’t be a problem.”
   Chrissy: Yeah, I’m pretty sure John Hart would be able 
   to refute that lie.
We are saved from having to go any further with this joke by 
Rhys’ phone ringing and his announcement of “it’s them”. Jack 
winks at Ruth and she leaves in a fluttery cloud of ‘what the 
hell just happened?’

Cut to the car. Rhys is driving this time, probably because 
he’s learned already that this is a better arrangement if he 
doesn’t want to have his life flash before his eyes. He asks 
“why her?” Jack says it’s not like he actively tried to recruit 
Gwen – she came to them. “Sort of stumbled on us.” Rhys says he 
did too, but he doubts they’ll be inviting him onto the team. 
Jack thinks this is different as she was a trained police 
officer. Rhys goes back to the ‘you could have picked any cop’ 
argument, but Jack says she’s more than a cop. “On her first 
day of work, she told me off for being too clinical.” Rhys 
agrees that this sounds like her because she’s stubborn and not 
the least bit shy about telling you what she thinks and she’s 
wonderful and amazing and he’s so lucky to have her. “I just 
wish you were a bit uglier.” They both laugh and Rhys asks 
“you’re not gay by any chance, are you?”
   Chrissy: No, but don’t tell my boyfriend I said that.
   Diandra: He’s bi too. Although his last girlfriend 
    transplanting her own brain might have put him off 
    women for a while.

They pull up to...somewhere and Gwen appears at Rhys’ window to 
announce that she brought Rhys his favorite Danish because she 
knows what he’s like on an empty stomach. Neither Rhys nor Jack 
point out that he’s probably already eaten one of these today 
courtesy of his secretary/coworker. He gets out of the truck 
and she reminds him to get out of there as soon as he can. He’s 
like ‘yes, yes, I KNOW WOMAN STOP FRETTING.’ He opens the back 
and the rest of the waiting team piles in. She gives him one 
last kiss and he coaxes her into the van. Jack goes to follow 
her and pauses to stare at Rhys for a minute. I’m betting 
somewhere there’s a blooper of him kissing Rhys too.
   Chrissy: Or at least asking why he doesn’t get one.

Rhys, seeming pretty calm actually, drives through the 
checkpoint toward the warehouse while the team ready their 
weaponry in the back. Owen explains that he’s preparing a 
Ketamine antidote. Jack says he, Gwen and Tosh will take the 
main area while Owen and Ianto clear the corridors and the 
little rooms along the side Rhys was pointing out. Gwen is 
busily grinding her teeth. Owen assures her Rhys will be fine.

Rhys is greeted by a guy in reflective gear. He says he just 
needs the guy’s boss to sign off on this clipboard so he 
doesn’t get people asking him questions. While the guy goes to 
get the boss, Rhys runs back to open the back of the van, but 
it’s already empty. Because what is the point of being a 
powerful super-secret government organization if you can’t 
sneak around when people have their backs turned. The boss 
comes back to sign the paper and hands him a tip. Rhys acts 
nervous and keeps looking around like he’s trying to figure out 
where they all went. You know when you were noting that Jack 
wouldn’t ask you to join their ranks? No, he wouldn’t. And THIS 
IS WHY. Do us all a favor, Rhys, and don’t quit your day job. 
You’re hardly MI-6 material. Luckily, Emo Guy, who apparently 
has nothing better to do than follow the boss around all day, 
doesn’t think anything of this and instructs Rhys to ask for 
Graham when he gets to the abattoir because it’s his guys who 
clean and process the meat.

Inside, the team has split up the way Jack instructed. Jack, 
Gwen and Tosh stare slack-jawed at the massive, moaning blob 
for a minute until some worker moves around nearby and they 
have to take cover. Jack makes a few silent gestures and runs 
off. Gwen and Tosh watch in disgust as the worker hacks away at 
a hole already carved into the animal and it squeals in what 
any species on any planet would instantly recognize as agony. 
Yeah, it’s horrible. There seems to be a pattern here wherein 
the fourth episode of each season highlights just how much more 
monstrous humans are than anything that could possibly come 
through the rift. Anyone who can torture another living 
creature without batting an eye is an unfeeling monster. The 
worker starts to leave with a wheelbarrow full of meat when 
Jack jumps up and tases him unconscious.
   Chrissy: Yeah, I’m all for scrapping the “stun only” 
    plan now. Shoot away.
   Diandra: As long as you avoid killshots. That would be 
    too merciful.

The team get up close to the alien’s eyeball and Jack mutters 
“imprisoned, chained and drugged. Welcome to planet Earth.” The 
alien’s eye opens and Tosh notes that it heard him and it’s 
sentient. They move around to the hole carved into its side and 
Jack puts a hand carefully on one of the walls of hacked-off 
flesh and bemoans what these people have done to the poor 
thing. 

Elsewhere, Owen roughs up one of the workers before tasing him. 
He finds a gun tucked in the back of the guy’s trousers and 
warns the rest of the team that they’re armed. “Rhys,” Gwen 
murmurs. Jack orders her to stay put.
   Chrissy: Oh, you should know better than to try to order 
   her to do things by now.

The guy I thought was the leader at first, who is apparently 
actually the vet, arrives on a bicycle and Emo Guy demands to 
know where he’s been because the injection was due ten minutes 
ago. He says he needed more Ketamine because the previous dose 
is no longer enough. The animal is clearly suffering. Emo 
Asshole says it’s just MEAT and it can’t feel anything and the 
vet is going soft. I will say the same thing I say to every 
person who says “it’s just a DOG” after the loss of a beloved 
pet: fuck you. Seriously, fuck you sideways with a telephone 
pole. You are a heartless bastard who knows nothing about love 
and kindness and I sincerely hope that when you die you are 
surrounded by people who are just as apathetic.
   Chrissy: And now tell us how you really feel.
At the back of the van, the boss scolds some workers for not 
having enough bags of meat inside. They need to get three more. 

Somewhere else in the facility, a worker runs into Ianto, who, 
caught off guard, apparently decides to play bumbling idiot. 
“Hello! I uh, have a thingy here, somewhere.”
   Chrissy: It’s both bigger AND lasts longer than Jack’s.
Actually, it turns out to be his taser and when the worker 
reaches for him he jams it in his chest.

Rhys, who has been acting fidgety and looking at his watch, 
says he needs to get going because he has jobs backing up. The 
unfeeling bucket of emo slime says they’ll just have to wait. 
Then he gets a call from someone inside the building who has 
just spotted Ianto standing over the unconscious worker and 
announces that they have trouble. Emo Asshat elbows Rhys in the 
face and shouts “you want to mess with me?” Because he gives 
the double bird to subtlety.

Gwen asks Ianto if Rhys got away. Ianto says he’ll go check and 
goes into the next room where he immediately runs into Emo 
Douchecannon and his thugs, who are lugging a roughed up Rhys. 
Emo Antichrist asks how many of them there are. Ianto says 
there’s just the two of them. Emo Nazi says nah, they’re not 
stupid enough to think they could take them with only two guys 
and orders one of his goons to tie them up and lock all the 
doors. Owen sees this from around the corner somewhere and 
tells the rest of the team that Rhys and Ianto have been 
caught. Gwen starts running basically before he even finishes 
the sentence. Jack grabs her, but it turns out she couldn’t 
have gotten very far because the doors are already all being 
locked. Also because the goons march Ianto and Rhys right into 
the main hangar. Jack, Gwen and Tosh hide again. Ianto gawks at 
the alien the same way they did and asks what it is. Emo Amin 
says they call it the “cash cow”. The vet runs up to ask what 
the hell he thinks he’s doing. Emo Jong Il says they just 
couldn’t bear to see others making money and thought they’d 
steal some. 
   Chrissy: Are we sure he’s not American?
Then he points his gun at Rhys’ head and demands “show 
yourselves or I shoot the delivery boy”. Gwen jumps out in the 
open like she’s been shot out of a cannon, her hands in the 
air. Emo Mussolini orders her to kick her gun over. She tries 
to claim she doesn’t have one, but nobody buys that so the 
delay doesn’t go very far. She tosses her gun. 

Emo Nero asks if there are any more of them and threatens to 
shoot her if she lies this time. Ianto and Rhys both shake 
their heads. She says it’s just her. Except one of the goons is 
up on a catwalk and announces that there are two more of them 
in the back corner. Jack and Tosh come out of hiding and toss 
their guns. “You know what you’ve got here, Dale,” Jack asks. 
Who the hell is Dale?
   Chrissy: The emo “douchcannon” you’ve been naming after 
    every famous dictator in history.
   Diandra: Oh, that bastard. He doesn’t deserve a name.
   Chrissy: Agreed, but I’m finding it rather alarming that 
    you’re not running out of dictator names.
Jack says it’s an alien. As in from another galaxy. The “vet” – 
who I’m now guessing is working for them because he’s not good 
enough to find legitimate employment - thinks that’s 
impossible. Because a giant whale-like creature that 
regenerates flesh carved out of it could totally exist on 
Earth? Tosh points out the ridiculousness of this denial. The 
alien moans and raises its giant blobby head while Jack yells 
at them to look at the sentient creature they are carving into. 
Emo Pol Pot tries the old “it’s just business” argument of 
every soulless capitalist who would step over their own 
grandmother and poison poor people’s water supply just to make 
a buck. Gwen says it isn’t too late: he can “walk away from 
this”. Emo Koch says nope and turns his gun on Gwen. Ianto, who 
has been wriggling his way out of the rope around his wrists, 
reaches for the gun and wrestles him for it, but by then he’s 
already fired at Gwen. Rhys jumps in front of Gwen just in time 
to catch a bullet to the chest. 

All hell breaks loose and the creature starts yanking free of 
the cables holding it down and knocking barrels, boxes and 
equipment over. Emo Trump runs out of bullets and runs for it, 
along with the rest of the goons apparently. Jack screams at 
Ianto to go after them and calls to Owen – who is still back in 
that side room somewhere – that Rhys has been shot and the 
creature is getting loose so they need that sedative NOW 
because they’re trapped. If they try to get past it they’ll 
just be crushed when it thrashes. Owen says he’s on it, but I’m 
pretty sure he’s been “on it” for the last twenty minutes. He 
is distracted by the vet suddenly showing up behind him. Owen 
throws him against the wall and he yelps that he didn’t do this 
and he never wanted to be part of it. Also, sedatives won’t 
work. Once the alien gets loose, it can’t be stopped. Ianto 
comes around the corner and tases the vet into unconsciousness 
before telling Owen that the alien is out of control and they 
have to do something. Um...isn’t that what the vet just said? 
Owen mutters “change of plan”, grabs a jug of something from 
the shelf and runs from the room.

Main office. Emo Gordon Gecko is filling duffel bags with money 
because of course he is. Ianto slams his way into the office, 
calmly tases his goon and kicks the gun from his hand. “Pray 
they survive,” he says very quietly before jabbing the end of 
the taser against Emo Scrooge’s forehead and pulling the 
trigger. I hereby declare my undying love for Bad Ass 
Motherfucker Ianto.
   Chrissy: Too late. Get in line.

Owen arrives in the main room and skids to a halt because he’s 
the only one who hasn’t seen the creature yet and therefore 
hasn’t had an opportunity to gape at it slackjawed. The 
creature has lifted it’s head and has it’s mouth open to better 
scream bloody murder. Owen fills a whale-sized hypodermic with 
something, mutters an apology, and runs up to jab the contents 
into the alien’s side. The alien keeps thrashing and yelling 
and Jack says he’s just making it worse. Owen ignores him and 
jabs another hypodermic full of whatever it is into the alien’s 
nose. The alien stops thrashing and starts moaning pitifully. 
Jack sidles up to Owen and asks what he did. “Mercy killing,” 
Owen pants and throws down the hypodermic angrily. Then he goes 
over to help Rhys, who Gwen is cradling in her lap and ordering 
to keep his eyes open and stay with her.

Meanwhile, Jack approaches the dying alien and strokes it’s 
face. Owen finishes stabilizing Rhys and goes over to touch the 
alien’s nose, babbling apologies. Tosh comes over to put a hand 
on his shoulder in support.
   Chrissy: Okay, I’m finally coming around on Owen.
   Diandra: Took you long enough.

Back at the hub, Owen patches up Rhys in his autopsy bay. Gwen 
hovers over Rhys as he comes around and smiles dopily at her, 
asking if she’s okay. She says she is now and kisses him. He 
groans in pain and she apologizes. From nearby, Ianto calls to 
him that next time he should just let her take the bullet.
   Chrissy: Easy for you to say. Your boyfriend could 
   survive a bullet to the face.
Rhys asks what happened to the guys back at the warehouse. Jack 
– also nearby – says they gave them amnesia pills that wiped 
out the last few months. Rhys points out that this means they 
basically got away with it. Jack says none of it would ever 
stand up in court so there’s not much else they can do. Ugh. 
Rhys asks what happened to the creature and everyone goes 
silent for a moment before Jack says it was incinerated. Then 
he calls Gwen away. She kisses Rhys more gently this time and 
traipses after him.

Jack’s office. Jack tells Gwen that Rhys is going to have to 
forget this whole incident too. She asks if she can at least 
give him the Retcon at home. Jack just silently hands her the 
pill, staring at the far wall and clenching his jaw as she 
stuffs it in her pocket and walks out.

Sometime later, Gwen and Rhys emerge onto the square around 
Millenium Stadium and Rhys rejects the idea of going straight 
home, offering to get some ice cream. Even later, they sit on 
the steps leading to the stadium and he gestures with his 
mostly eaten cone, marveling at how none of these people around 
them have any clue what just happened or what it means about 
what is “out there”. “The sky won’t be the same to me anymore.” 
He says this puts all the piddly little annoyances of his job 
in perspective now and he’s marveling that he got to be a part 
of it. He says he wants to know more and he promises he won’t 
say anything to anyone. He says he’s even okay with Jack. 
“Yeah, all right, yeah, he’s handsome, enigmatic, saves the 
world and all that, but it’s me you come home to at the end of 
it all.” Gwen smiles and says she always will come home to him. 
   Chrissy: Yes, let’s pretend that little affair with Owen 
    didn’t even happen. And while we’re at it, let’s 
    pretend she and Jack haven’t been flirting since the 
    beginning of the season.
   Diandra: That would be what the writers are hoping for, 
    yes.
Rhys gets a phone call from one of his friends and even though 
we only hear his end of the conversation it’s obvious he’s 
saying nothing much is going on in his “boring” life right now 
and getting wrapped up in whatever drama the friend has going 
on instead. He steps away from Gwen for a minute to continue 
the conversation and she contemplates the pill Jack gave her.

Inside the hub, everyone is at their stations when Gwen marches 
through the cog door shouting that she is NOT doing this. She 
is NOT drugging her husband into forgetting everything. Tosh, 
Owen and Ianto all argue that she has to because they can’t 
have civilians knowing about this and blah blah rulebook. She 
says none of them have partners outside of their little group 
and they don’t understand what it’s like to have somebody on 
the outside to talk to and she’s sick of lying to him. “What he 
did today was so brave. Braver than any of us because we signed 
up for this, but he didn’t.” She says she won’t “take that away 
from him” even if Jack has to fire her or retcon her. Jack 
marches toward her and asks if she really thinks she could go 
back to her old life before she joined Torchwood. She glares at 
him defiantly and says she wouldn’t know any different now, 
would she? Jack’s voice cracks a little as he says HE would. 
They stare at each other for a couple beats and he tells her he 
will see her tomorrow and “give Rhys my love.” She leaves again 
and he retreats back to his office, watching her join up with 
Rhys outside again via security camera monitor and looking like 
he might cry.

And now that I’ve gone back over this recap for editing 
purposes I have decided that either this episode was more 
incoherent than usual or I am in my efforts to describe it.
   Chrissy: And you can’t even blame alcohol this time.
   Diandra: Is it possible that we make more sense when 
    we’re NOT sober?
   Chrissy: I don’t know, but I think we should test that 
    theory.