"Torchwood, episode 2x08: A Day in the Death" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Burn Gorman, Naoko Mori, Gareth David-Lloyd We open on Owen standing in the middle of some bustling back street in Wales, staring into space while people flitter around him in fast forward. He voice overs that his name is Doctor Owen Harper and this is his life. We get brief flashbacks of stuff he’s done for the past season or two as he says it’s full of action and violence and wonder and sex and heartbreak and death. Chrissy: No, I know you want us to think you’re more interesting than you really are, but I’m just not buying it. We linger on flashbacks of him being shot and laying on his own autopsy table as he says he survived his death and is still “living through” it, but he’d hardly call it “living”. And now we’re in his apartment except it doesn’t look like the same apartment he took Diane to. He grabs a bottle of juice from the refrigerator and hesitates, likely remembering what happened the last time he tried to drink something, before putting it back. His voice over rambles about how he does the same thing every day: get up and get ready for work like everybody else. He stands in front of the mirror lathering shaving cream in his hands and stops, blinking at the reflection of his already clean-shaven face, and the voice over says he’s not actually like everyone else though. Because he died three days ago and everyone around him is just going about their business thinking he’s fine. And we get a random shot of him submerged in water, freaking out as he realizes he’s not able to drown because he’s not breathing. “But they’re wrong,” he concludes. And then it’s night and he’s sitting beside some woman on the ledge of what looks like that same damn car park we keep revisiting, asking her if she’s ready to jump. Now that the writers have your attention, we’re going to explain what all that was about once we get past the blippy credit sequence. GODDAMNIT, FREEMA/MARTHA IS IN THIS EPISODE TOO. FUCK! The woman on the roof tells Owen to piss off and leave her alone so she can commit suicide in peace. He says he’s not here to stop her, but if she thinks she’s got problems...and he shows her his gaping chest wound. She thinks this is some sort of ploy and reaches over to poke at the “fake” wound, leaping back off the ledge with a gasp when her finger goes right into the hole. Chrissy: I would make a joke about somebody fingering Owen’s “hole”, but I’m afraid I would need to take a long shower afterward. With bleach. Owen says yeah, um...he’s dead. She says that’s not possible and obviously he’s NOT dead since he’s walking around and talking to her. He says he was brought back. Sort of like Jesus but without the beard. Or dark skin. Or benevolence. But let’s focus on the beard thing, because it turns out he’ll NEVER be able to have one of those now. She babbles okay okay, she gets it, he’s dead...somehow...but what is he doing threatening to jump then because “you can’t die twice”. “Sorry, are you an expert?” he snots. “Sorry, are you an idiot?” she fires back. Then she lights a cigarette and asks what it’s like being dead so she knows what she has to “look forward to”. He says well, there’s darkness. And that’s it. She sarcastically thanks him for that cheerful little thought. Well, you asked. She asks what he’s doing here anyway. Aaaaand NOW we get a flashback to the events leading up to this. Jack’s office. Jack informs Owen that he’s being relieved of his duties and he needs to hand in his gun and badge. Owen objects that he’s fine. Jack says he DIED three days ago (which means we only flashbacked to a few hours ago, apparently) and they need to figure out what he is before they can think about declaring him fit for duty. And in the meantime Martha will be his replacement. Also, she’ll be doing the testing to determine his state which, you know, isn’t a conflict of interests or anything. Owen asks what happens if he refuses. Jack says they’ll just throw him in one of the cells downstairs and do the tests anyway because, you know, Torchwood. He begs Owen to please not make this difficult. They’re doing this for his own good. Yada yada. Owen slowly, reluctantly hands his gun and security ID to Ianto, who has been hovering in the background. Owen asks what the hell he’s supposed to do while Martha is running these tests. Jack says they could always use somebody who can make coffee. Both Owen and Ianto look horrified by this prospect. And we cut to Ianto showing Owen how to run the coffee machine. He pulls out the steaming cup and takes a deep whiff before handing it to Owen, declaring it “fresh and strong”. Owen asks if he remembers what happened last time he drank something and Ianto takes the cup back. Heh. He asks if Owen wants to have a try at it then. Owen grumbles and manhandles the machine a little, quickly getting frustrated when it doesn’t work. Chrissy: That’s because he’s yanking at the big levers. That’s not how you do it. There’s probably a button hidden somewhere that he can’t find because he’s too impatient to FUCKING LOOK FOR IT. Diandra: Problems with your new boyfriend? Chrissy: What makes you say that? Diandra: Oh, nothing. Once he calms down a little, Ianto asks if Owen is okay. Owen grumbles that Ianto must be loving this because “it’s like you’ve won”. Ianto mumbles that he didn’t realize they were in any sort of competition with each other. Owen snarls that Ianto used to have even less of a social life than Tosh and now he’s going out on missions all the time and shagging Jack and now Owen is going to be stuck in the bowels of the hub making coffee. Ianto frowns that it’s not like that, you know...him and Jack. Okay, A) you’re missing the point and B) who are you trying to fool? At the beginning of the season you were already alluding to the fact that you’ve slept together already and you’ve been dating since shortly before that. Unless you’re objecting to the word “shagging” because it makes what you’re doing sound cheap and impersonal I’m not sure what the problem is here. Owen’s like whatever: Ianto has Jack, Gwen is getting married, Martha has a boyfriend and even Tosh had Tommy. Um...did you miss the part where Tommy died tragically like all her other lovers of the week? Seriously? Ianto says they’ve all been through shit and rambles about how much good he’s seen Owen do working with them and how now he’s refused to let even death beat him. Then Ianto just walks away and leaves Owen to stare after him pensively. So we cut to Owen going through whatever tests Martha needs him to do, which is apparently just your run of the mill fitness test. He runs on a treadmill for a bit with the flat, terminator expression of someone who is incapable of getting out of breath. Then he decides to continue his usual bantering with Martha while he climbs off and picks up some weights because I guess he’s recovered fully from that last scene. He notes that she’d rather spend time with him than her boyfriend and that must mean she finds him irresistible. She makes a face when her back is turned to him and mutters that yeah, every morning she thinks up new ways to get him alone like this. He gives her a look like ‘okay, well, you don’t have to be SNOTTY about it.’ She checks the computer and says there’s no decay in his muscle tissue, so he’s still in great physical shape. “No stiffening anywhere?” Chrissy: Oh, gee, thanks for bringing THAT up again. Diandra: Any holes that need fingering? Chrissy: I am not kidding. Do that again and I’m leaving. Diandra: Sorry. “Well...” Owen starts to lie. Martha gives him a look and he says no, there aren’t any signs of rigor mortis setting in. He concludes from the muscle tone that if he keeps exercising he won’t have problems with atrophy. She says yep, and he won’t age either. Um...duh. And finally, weirdly, she waves a device over him and declares that there are no further signs of mutation so he is 100% human. The what now? He was 100% some sort of alien demon creature gateway to the underworld three days ago and all of that just went away, what, by magic? Chrissy: Honey? Diandra: Yeah, yeah, I know...what fucking ever, writers. Gwen’s voice comes out of a speaker somewhere suddenly to ask if Martha can come down to the boardroom because they need her. When did they get that installed? Owen says she’d better go then. Martha looks apologetic and asks what he’s going to do. “Cappuccino with chocolate sprinkles,” he says. Before we can think that’s some weird, kinky code for something he adds that that’s what she drinks. Ugh. Really Martha? Frilly little decorations that don’t actually taste like anything? Why don’t you skip the pretense and just put a squirt of chocolate syrup in there? Or better yet, just get a hot chocolate and a caffeine pill because that would taste better than any of the coffee I could ever find in the UK. Chrissy: Are we still pretending we don’t like English food? Diandra: Who said anything about food? I was just talking about coffee. God help you if you don’t drink tea in the UK because the coffee is as bad and unpredictable as French orange juice: it’s either colored water or you have to chew it. Conference room. Jack is showing the slightly altered team a picture of a guy he calls “Henry John Parker”, saying he used to be a “looker” but something eighty something “even I have my limits”. Yeah, I’m working without subtitles again. Be patient with me. He says Henry is their garden variety millionaire collector of “alien hoo ha”. Chrissy: I thought collector of alien hoo ha was Jack’s official title. And speaking of which...I’m calling bullshit on him suddenly having limits. Diandra: Different definition of hoo ha. And I think you know that. Chrissy: Yeah. I just like saying “hoo ha”. Owen comes in with a tray of coffee and notes that those are usually filed under “mostly harmless”. Chrissy: Yeah, but all Earthlings are in that category by default. Diandra: I thought that was the label for the planet itself. Chrissy: Well, the most intelligent species on the planet would basically be the reason for that, wouldn’t it? Diandra: I thought the most intelligent species was dolphins. Chrissy: Okay, fine. That’s why it’s “mostly harmless” and not “avoid at all costs”. Tosh says well, there was a sudden rift energy spike coming out of Parker’s house this morning. Owen finishes setting everyone’s coffee in front of them, except of course he totally messed it up so once he has his back turned they’re all handing cups back and forth across the table to get the right ones. They continue talking so Owen doesn’t notice anything suspicious. Martha asks if Parker is a threat. Gwen says so far he’s just been a Howard Hughes type that nobody has seen much of since his wife died in 1986. Owen finishes whatever he’s doing and sits at the table, noting that they’ve been monitoring him for YEARS and he’s never been a threat. Apparently Gwen is still in charge sometimes because she orders Tosh to get her schematics on Parker’s house, Ianto to get an inventory of everything he has collected over the years and Martha to pull his medical history, although why she needs THAT isn’t really clear. Everyone but Owen gets up to leave and Jack engages Gwen in what sounds like an ongoing discussion of her wedding plans as they file past. Owen stares into space while his voiceover notes that nearly a million people kill themselves every year worldwide. Back on the roof of the carpark. Apparently later that day. Owen says that’s three times the population of Cardiff, which, you know...makes you think. Yeah, I didn’t realize Cardiff was that small. The woman asks if he’s some sort of “suicide geek” or something. He says no, he’s a “bloody brilliant” doctor. But not a modest one, obviously. Back in autopsy, Owen has apparently just used this description with Martha, who moans that she KNOWS he is, but Gwen asked her to do this because he’s not supposed to be working until they know he won’t go demonic on them or something again. Also, she politely asks if he could stop flipping that scalpel into the air like it’s a pencil. He asks if her boyfriend doesn’t miss her. Or oh! Even better: has he met Jack yet? Because nobody ever likes finding out their girlfriend is working with THAT. Martha snaps that she doesn’t WANT to take Owen’s job, okay? He says he’s FINE. He’s dead, sure, but she said herself that he’s 100% human now, so why can’t he get back to work? She stares at the scalpel that has landed the wrong way and calmly notes that he has sliced his hand open. He drops the scalpel to reveal a deep, though obviously bloodless, cut. As she’s stitching the gouge, Martha notes that it won’t heal so Owen will have to replace the stitches every week or so. But on the plus side: he won’t need anesthetic because he apparently can’t feel it at all. Wait...no, that’s not a plus because he notes that he can’t feel ANYTHING including her hand holding his. Martha notes that this is probably why Jack is justified in his concern: Owen doesn’t heal anymore. Bruises, broken bones, any sort of scrapes...”you’re fragile”. This being a blow to his ego, Owen decides to take the needle from Martha and continue stitching under the excuse that he should get used to doing these things himself from now on. The woman on the ledge notes at this point that Martha was offering to help him and he PUSHED her AWAY. Chrissy: Because he’s a MALE. He couldn’t possibly admit to anyone including himself that he might possibly need the help of a woman to do anything including stitch himself up. Diandra: Seriously, are you and your boyfriend fighting or something? Chrissy: What? No, that was an observation about half the male population in general. Diandra: Half? Chrissy: Okay, two thirds. They’re sitting on the ledge again and she’s lighting a cigarette. He grumbles something about not being worried about niceties anymore. Oh, because that was such a big concern for him before? She’s actually observant enough to note this herself and he grumbles something about her being a pain in the ass. He asks if that’s why her boyfriend dumped her. She sneers that no, actually, he died. Owen just blinks and mutters a half ass apology. She says forget it, he isn’t sorry because he doesn’t care about her any more than she cares about him and the fact that they’re both planning to jump off this building isn’t going to make them bond or anything. He says something to this, but I can’t for the life of me decipher it. I want my subtitles back! In the hub, Owen, bandage wrapped around his sliced hand, is making rounds with coffee and begging Jack to give him something else to do. Chrissy: Yeah, he’s already made coffee at least three times so far. If they can’t find something else to keep him busy, they may never sleep again. Jack says something about rules and regulations and Owen snits that he might as well go home then. Jack glances pointedly at his bandage as he says “okay”. Owen goes to leave, then turns and asks what he’s supposed to do when he GETS home. Hey, you were the one who was asking if you had time to read “War and Peace”. He says that Jack might get to live forever, but HE gets to die forever, which I’m pretty sure is an observation he made last episode so I guess the writers are just repeating themselves now. Chrissy: Only now? Speaking of inconsistencies on this show, we go back to Owen’s apartment. Seriously, while it looks like a place a single guy might actually live now, THIS IS NOT THE SAME PLACE AS LAST SEASON. It’s all brick and wood where it used to be glass and chrome. Chrissy: Are we sure that wasn’t a hotel? Because if he was trying to impress Diane... Diandra: He wouldn’t have been frantically trying to clean debris from the floor and probably wouldn’t have left all of his beauty products out in the bathroom. Chrissy: Okay, so the production department was hoping you wouldn’t remember. Diandra: That would be my best guess. Would it be alarming if I said I really like and would totally live in this new version of his apartment? Chrissy: Only if you didn’t change the comic book artwork to something less...busty female. Diandra: How else am I supposed to lure in men? With my sparkling wit and personality? Chrissy: Personally, I always go for my flexibility and willingness to try crazy things, but honestly your attraction to nerdy stuff in general is probably enough. Any Star Wars paraphernalia will do – it doesn’t need to have Leia in the slave girl bikini. In fact, that might just confuse them. Diandra: So I can have my shirtless Hugh Jackman as long as he has the Wolverine claws? Chrissy: Yes. Diandra: How about shirtless Chris Hemsworth if he’s holding Thor’s hammer? Chrissy: Don’t push your luck. Also, I sincerely hope you were referring to an actual hammer there. Diandra: Of course I was. If I had meant that as a euphemism I would have said Loki was holding it. Chrissy: ...I’m sorry, I think I’ve forgotten what we were talking about. Diandra: Good. That makes two of us. Owen is trying to watch some crap reality show (redundant, I know). He finally comes to his senses and mutes it (okay, partly to his senses since he doesn’t turn it OFF). He turns his stereo to some awful techno metal or something, grabs a trash bag and starts cleaning out the refrigerator, the cabinet over the sink and anything else he doesn’t need now that he’s a walking corpse. This montage ends somewhat alarmingly on him staring blankly at some bananas and then looking off into space. Chrissy: I’m sure that didn’t mean anything. You just haven’t fished your mind out of the gutter since that whole “fingering a hole” debacle. Diandra: Are you serious? My mind hasn’t seen daylight since 2012. Also, I might be stuck on the “Thor’s hammer” thing now. And then Owen just sits staring into space while the music that sounds like a badly skipping CD recording of industrial machinery running continues to play. This is mercifully interrupted by the doorbell ringing. It’s Tosh. She breezes in and asks if he minds if she eats something because she’s really hungry. Owen grumbles that Jack must have sent her to check up on him, maybe get him to talk a little. She purses her lips at him and says he obviously hasn’t changed at all since he still thinks the world revolves around him. Chrissy: [hums a couple bars of “You’re So Vain”] Diandra: Yes, thank you. Tosh cracks open a beer and digs into the pizza box she brought in with her while she rants about the day she’s had. Apparently Jack called her bright and early because he couldn’t possibly wait until she came in to tell her she needed to look into an energy spike. Also there’s something about Gwen apologizing for not making her a bridesmaid although she seems to find the idea ridiculous. She keeps talking, but Owen is staring off into space and her voice is just an indecipherable murmur in the background, accompanied by some baffling hand gestures. The lady on the roof notes that they sound like an old married couple. Oh, that’s just sad. On the roof, she adds that “Brian” used to tell her she talked too much. Owen asks her to tell him about this Brian person. Oh, LIKE YOU CARE. She says today is her wedding anniversary. Except the marriage didn’t last long because we flash to images of her in a white dress covered in bloodstains, crouching next to a crashed car and holding the hand of what we can probably assume is her husband’s mangled body, mercifully hidden off camera. Owen, properly chastised, begins to apologize. She brushes it off. He asks why she waited until her anniversary to try to commit suicide. She says because she believed people when they told her it would get better and now she knows otherwise. And now we’re back with Owen and Tosh for some reason and she’s still prattling on about her day. Her voice cuts back in as she’s talking about running this language through the translator and finding out that it’s just Croatian. “Why are you here, Tosh,” Owen blurts suddenly. She says she wants to help him. He asks how she thinks she’s going to do that. She splutters, but before she can come up with any sort of excuse he says that’s not why she’s here. She’s here because, for whatever reason, she still wants him. He doesn’t know why, but he knows she’s always been pining after him and watching, heartbroken, while he screwed a long line of other women. Except now the rules have changed because he CAN’T have any other women and she can have a safe, romantic relationship with him that doesn’t have to be complicated by sex. She thinks he’s just trying to get her to run and says he can be as much of an asshole as he likes, she’s not leaving. He says no, of course not, because they’re finally getting that date she wanted. She snaps and asks what the hell is WRONG with him. He yells that he’s BROKEN. He has no heartbeat, he can’t feel anything and he can’t even CRY about it. Chrissy: I’m not sure how most of that is any different from the way he used to be. Oh, but maybe she needs someone who is just as screwed up as she is, he concludes. I would think this was well past as far as he needed to go here, but he adds that he’ll show her “broken” and snaps the little finger on his already wounded hand completely backward. Then Owen just leaves Tosh standing in the middle of his kitchen while he goes racing out, across a park and to one of the dock areas of Wales where he just runs right off the pier screaming angrily (but silently because all we can hear is a variation on his awful music). He stays under the water until he realizes that nothing is happening because he’s not breathing, which is obviously where that clip of him screaming underwater from the beginning of the episode was supposed to go, but we don’t play it again. Owen heaves himself back up onto the dock and lays there until Jack’s boots come into view beside his face. “Thirty-six minutes,” Jack announces, looking at his fancy time-travel watch. “You were watching,” Owen mutters into the wood planks. “Skinny guy in tight jeans runs into water? I was taking pictures.” Yeah, I know you probably think this is diffusing the tension, but really...now isn’t a good time. Chrissy: When the subject in question is Owen, there’s NEVER a good time for that. Owen stands up and glowers at him. Jack asks how long this is going to go on and then just walks away. Really? That’s all you’ve got? Hub conference room. Gwen is asking what they’ve got on Parker. Ianto lists some of the things he’s purchased in the past year and since I have no subtitles I make absolutely no guarantees that any of this is right. “A Dogon eye, a pair of Ichean wings, meteorites...an Archetinian translation of James Herbert’s The Fog.” Really? Two thousand years of human literature and aliens thought it worth the effort to translate an obscure horror pulp novel? Ianto admits there are a few things in the collection they’ve never seen before. Gwen says one of them is causing the energy spike, right? Ianto says yeah, probably, and they’re getting alarmingly bigger. Gwen says they need to get in the house and hands Ianto a file on the guy Parker hired to do security. She says there’s a lot of electronic surveillance, but they can take care of all of it by killing the generator. The problem is that there are also heat sensors and they’re solar powered. There’s one in every doorway and window. Ianto wonders aloud how they’re going to get past them for no reason other than to give the just-arriving Owen an opening to say they could use somebody who doesn’t give off body heat. Everyone stares at him. He asks what they have to lose. After a beat, Jack nods at Ianto, who hands Owen a gun. Owen turns to the door just as Tosh arrives and awkwardly hands him his keys, muttering that she turned the television off for him. Back on the roof, Suicide Mary is marveling that Owen treated Tosh like that. Chrissy: You’re thinking of Typhoid Mary. Diandra: Whatever. I’m tired of her not having a name. Owen says Tosh is always a professional. Suicide Mary starts ranting that she doesn’t care about any of this bullshit because she came here to kill herself and he keeps distracting her with stories about alien trinkets. He says okay then and grabs her by the shoulders, running with her right up to the ledge like he’s going to run them both right off. He stops just before that can happen though and she stops shrieking and stares at the ground below, wide eyed and panting. He asks if she’s scared. “Aren’t you,” she asks. She decides she will, in fact, let him continue his story and asks what happened after that. How did he end up here? We cut to a shot of his even more heavily bandaged hand as Martha repeats that anything he does to hurt himself is not going to ever HEAL. Apparently they are outside the facility they need him to break into and she’s giving him some last minute instructions about NOT engaging in physical combat under ANY circumstances. He says he understands: “I’m made of glass.” Chrissy: Kind of like the Samuel L Jackson character in that M. Night Shamylan movie. Or was that the Bruce Willis character? Diandra: Honestly, I don’t remember a thing about that movie and I don’t care to. He starts walking away, but she stops him to insist that he be careful and take care of himself. He smiles at her. Jack tosses him what looks like a wadded up bundle of clothing, reminding him that he’ll need it. Owen runs up to a gate out back by the swimming pool. There are two security guards just inside though, so he just backs up and crouches by the gate. Tosh’s voice comes through his earpiece to guide him. She says the power to the whole house is supplied by one electric generator and if he takes it out he’ll have a minute and twenty seconds of blackout before the backup supply kicks in. Owen asks if they can get rid of the guards. Ianto thinks it would be suspicious if they both suddenly got phone calls. Owen tells him to just take out the big one then. A phone rings and the scrawnier of the two guards answers his phone while Owen groans in annoyance. Chrissy: Yeah, we totally knew which one you meant. We just thought this was an excellent opportunity to get some revenge. It’s Gwen on the line and she introduces herself as a nurse at “St Helen’s” hospital where somebody with the same last name and his number as an emergency contact was taken an hour ago after a car accident (it turns out this is his wife). Speaking as someone who has recently gotten a call almost exactly like this in the dead of night...NOT COOL, GUYS. Gwen says she’s fine, but she’d like to see him. He says he’s on his way and hangs up, babbling an apology to the other guard before running off. Owen happens to catch a lucky break though as the bigger guard gets on his walkie to tell somebody about this change in routine and as he’s talking he opens the gate and walks right past Owen. Owen darts through the open gate and runs across the grounds. He announces he’s in once he’s at the generator. Except the big guard came right back apparently and yells at him to get away from that before he can even do anything. Owen manages to hit him hard enough to knock him down without hurting himself and draws his gun. He wraps the thing Jack tossed at him earlier – a t-shirt – around his non-gun hand and yanks out the generator’s main power line, giving himself a pretty good shock while knocking out all the lights in the building behind them. He kicks the guard unconscious, which...there’s no reason he couldn’t have done that earlier and saved some time now, but okay. Tosh announces he has a minute twenty and a man’s voice announces that the backup generator will come on in forty-five seconds. Tosh groans that they must have updated something. Owen breaks in a door of the main house and waves his hands in front of one of the heat sensors to verify that he can’t set it off although at this point the reminder is completely unnecessary and repetitive. Chrissy: Unnecessary and repetitive? On this show? Nah. Diandra: Your sarcasm is duly noted. He darts around a bit like a kid playing at being a spy, but let’s face it: he will never be as cool as Ethan Hunt. Chrissy: Or James Bond. Or Jason Bourne. Or Sydney Bristow. Or Jack Bauer. Or Jack Ryan. Or, honestly, even Maxwell Smart or Johnny English. Diandra: Okay, you don’t need to run it into the ground. Tosh says the energy reading is coming from a room on the first floor at the back of the house, but she doesn’t have much else because it is strong enough to screw with the rest of the system. He’s creeping up some stairs when another guard appears at the top and points a gun at him. He decides to play stupid, apparently, and tells the guy this is a nice place he has and the interior decorator did a great job. The guard isn’t buying his shit though. He asks who he is and why the sensors aren’t reading him. Owen looks down at the heat sensors lining the window on the staircase landing and just raises his hands in the air and continues walking past them. The guard tells him to stop or he’ll shoot. Owen says no, he won’t because he’s a security guard and that gun is probably just for show and he’s never actually shot somebody before. “Do you know what a bullet does to a living person?” He starts describing the way it rips through flesh and organs while rotating like a drill. Except he says you can’t really kill a dead man and the guard has already noticed he doesn’t have body heat, so... The guard, increasingly alarmed at the fact that Owen is still advancing on him, asks what the hell he is. “I’m Owen Harper,” Owen says, grabbing the gun by the barrel and ripping it from his completely unresisting hands. “And I’m having one hell of a day.” Chrissy: And you’re fired. Diandra: Okay, the Donald Trump impression doesn’t work in type. It just makes me want to punch you and deport you to Russia. Chrissy: Why would you want to send Trump to Russia? Don’t they have enough problems with Putin? Diandra: Specifically Siberia. With nothing but the comically inadequate clothes on his back. Owen knocks the guard out with the butt of his gun, then drops it and pulls his own gun. Back in the Hub, the team all frown worriedly as Owen creeps down a series of hallways. He finds a room with trophy cases full of artifacts and an ominous door on one end. He goes through the door and finds a guy in a bed surrounded by netting and a whole bunch of machines. He is peeking at another display case off to the side when the man’s voice calls “yes?” Owen says he’s not here to hurt him – he’s a doctor. The guy I think we can assume is Parker says he’s awfully violent for a doctor and points to the security monitors nearby where he’s been able to track Owen’s progress through the building. Owen pulls back the netting and confirms that the guy is, in fact, Henry Parker. Parker says he must be Torchwood and asks if “the American” sent him here and why didn’t they send the Japanese girl? He likes her. Chrissy: Everybody does, dude. He asks if she can hear him through that thing in Owen’s ear and calls that he just wants to say she’s “got very lovely legs” and should “show them off more”. Before he can go any further with this objectification that is only excusable because he’s old, he dissolves into a coughing fit. Owen asks what’s wrong with him. He grumbles that he’s had three heart attacks and a failed attempt at a bypass. But he’s okay now thanks to this glowing thing he pulls from under the covers beside him. He calls it “the pulse” and it’s keeping him alive. Owen goes to scan it and he flinches back, yelping that Owen isn’t taking it from him. Owen says it could be dangerous because they’ve been detecting massive energy readings coming from it. Parker says all he knows is that it’s working. Owen says um, actually...it’s not. His scanner says the power is just building inside the thing, but none of it is actually going into his body. Parker whimpers that Owen is wrong because he can FEEL it. Owen gently explains that for all they know it’s a bomb and if it explodes they have no idea how bad the fallout will be. Parker grumbles that he’s young and he doesn’t UNDERSTAND what dying is like. Oh, really, writers? We went through this whole thing just to make the same point again? Chrissy: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they’ve never been exactly...oh, what’s the word? Subtle. He says there’s nothing on the other side. Owen apologizes that he can’t stop the inevitable here because it WILL happen one day. Parker moans about darkness and being alone. Owen notes that that’s not all that different from the way he’s currently living. Parker says he doesn’t understand what’s keeping him here and starts coughing, setting the machines by the bed to frantic bleating. Owen puts a discarded oxygen mask over his face until he calms down and says it’s hope. The thing is giving him hope even if it’s not actually physically doing anything to him. He asks if Parker thinks being hooked to a bunch of machines in his mausoleum of a house by himself is really better than dying. “You’re just scared of the darkness.” Um...so is literally every sane, functional human being on the planet. He sort of acknowledges this, but then goes off on some gripe about how shitty life can be. Parker goes back to his argument about Owen being just a KID and he doesn’t know anything. Parker has “traveled the world” and fought in “the war” (I assume he means the second one). He keeps running through a summary of his life and concludes that after all he’s done, this is where he ended up: “alone, lying in my own piss.” Chrissy: Sounds exactly like a really bad date. Diandra: ... Chrissy: I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do with this morbid shit anymore. Diandra: Welcome to the club. He asks if Owen knows what he wants. “Clean sheets,” Owen offers like the smart ass he is. Parker doesn’t blink. He says he wants a steak with black pepper sauce. Instead, he’s getting his food through a tube. “I might as well be dead already.” Isn’t that kind of the point Owen was just making? Why are we talking in circles? He comes to the same realization suddenly and hands the glowing pod thingy over to Owen. Owen sets it aside and takes Parker’s hand (which can’t be all that comforting since he’s a walking popsicle) while Parker moans that it’s dark and he’s alone but he’s still stuck here in this bed. Owen promises to come back and the two of them can face “this” together. Parker lights up a little and says if Owen comes back he can tell him all about Torchwood because he wants to hear what it’s like working with all those aliens. “I need to know that there’s more out there. That this isn’t all there is.” He sees something in Owen’s eyes and reminds him that he’s dying so it’s not like he’s going to tell anyone. He won’t even “tell the Japanese girl that you’re still holding my hand.” Oh, come on. He starts coughing and the monitors start bleating again. Owen slaps the oxygen mask on him, but it’s too late because he’s already gone still. Owen starts pushing buttons on the machines impotently and goes to perform CPR, stopping himself before he can try to blow a non-existent breath into Parker’s lungs. He makes pained faces and babbles apologies to the dead man. On the roof, Owen tells Suicide Mary that in that moment when Parker needed him, he was helpless to save him. Um... he didn’t need saving. He needed help letting go. I thought we just established this. “Everything I’ve seen... everything that’s out there...and it was an old man dying of a heart attack. It was just another person dying because of me. Everything that’s happened...and that was the final straw.” He gets up onto the ledge. “Because at that moment, I just wanted it all to end.” Tosh’s voice suddenly calls his name with the tinny sound of someone speaking through an earpiece and before we can assume she’s talking to him in the present we go right back to Parker’s bedside where Owen is still “crying” over his body. She asks if the device is doing anything right now because the energy levels are “going off the screen”. She says it’s going to explode. Back in the Hub, Jack asks what they can do to stop it. Tosh, in full panic mode, says they can’t do anything. Owen’s distraught brain farts out a plan: he will try to “absorb” the energy it’s giving off. Tosh says with the sort of energy readings she’s getting, he’d never survive that. And this is a problem why? He says that’s fine, it’ll aaaaaaall be fine. He cradles the egg like device like it’s a baby and addresses Martha directly: if anything happens to him, the team will need a new doctor and it should be her. Chrissy: Okay, well, now he HAS to survive. Diandra: And thank all that is good and holy for that. Owen tells Jack to not even THINK of trying to bring him back again. His farewell message for Gwen and Ianto is “it was fun...mostly...thank you.” Which brings him to Tosh. All he has for her is “I’m sorry.” She says she loves him again and the egg thingy glows brighter and makes a loud groaning noise. And then the screen goes black and presumably the station went to commercial. Ugh. On the roof, Suicide Mary is like ‘yeah? AND?!’ He babbles something about everybody assuming life is always shit, but you know, sometimes it isn’t. He gets off the ledge and unzips the backpack he left on the ground, pulling out the egg that is still pulsing and glowing. Mary asks what it is. He reminds her – and, more importantly, the audience - that NASA sent messages into deep space in the 70s. This is a reply, although they’re not sure who it’s from. Chrissy: It has some weird 3D blueprints of a device that can transport one person to the sender’s home planet via wormhole though. Seems legit. Mary asks what it does and Owen spews some crap about a glimmer of light in the darkness. He holds it up and it glows and flashes. “Sometimes it does get better,” he adds. Hub. Gwen and Ianto come out to greet the SUV. Jack and Owen climb out. Martha comes out behind them and Owen apologetically tells her that it looks like there aren’t any job openings at Torchwood after all. Which is awesome, but it’s yet another example of people on this show apparently having long, awkward silences in the car before talking about what happened. He thanks her for everything, kisses her on the cheek and hugs her until Jack calls “oi!” because it’s starting to get weird. Martha goes over to get a hug and kiss on the cheek from Gwen and Ianto (respectively) and stops in front of Jack. She says it’s been “interesting”. Chrissy: Oh, she speaks Minnesotan. Diandra: “Different” would also be acceptable. He corrects that it’s been “fun”. I would protest that nearly getting killed a couple times and having to put up with Owen’s smarmy flirting doesn’t exactly qualify as “fun”, but the Doctor’s companions all seem to be the crazy sort of adrenaline junkies who would get off on that sort of thing, so whatever. And then Martha kisses Jack on the lips. He stares at her, surprised, when she pulls back. “Well, everyone else has had a go,” she laughs, brushing it off. Chrissy: And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a Cipro. He smiles at her wistfully and says she can come back any time. No, she can’t. Shut up. She says maybe she will one day and gives him a little salute before walking off into the night. Okay, are we actually done with her now? Can you stop teasing me, show? Inside the Hub somewhere, Tosh makes Owen promise that he will talk to her if things get bad again. No more pretending. He says yeah, sure, okay and immediately adds that he’s scared. “I’m scared if I close my eyes I’ll get trapped in the darkness.” She clutches his arm and promises “I’m here.” And he’s walking down the street when a picture of Suicide Mary and her dead husband drops to the ground right in front of him. “That’s when I saw you,” his voice over says. And we’re finally caught up. Lucky she didn’t just jump right after the picture, huh? I would also like to note that at that point he did NOT have that backpack he pulled the glowing message egg from earlier. Mary mutters that she thought he came up here to jump too. He says no, he thought he could help her. He hands her back the picture. She asks what she should do now. He says she has a choice. If she thinks the “darkness” is too much, she can totally go for it and end it all right now. Or, you know, she could accept the fact that bad shit happens sometimes and it’s totally possible to move on and maybe try dating again. I might be using my own words on that last part. “If there is even a tiny glimmer of light...then don’t you think that’s worth taking a chance?” Now, finally, in the final minutes of the episode, he thinks to ask what her name is. She says it’s Maggie. Well, I was close. He takes her hand and says it’s up to her because, you know, free will. The message pod glows in his other hand and he asks if she still wants to jump. She doesn’t answer and we just end with Owen’s voice over saying “my name is Owen Harper and this is my life.” Okay, well. That was...something. I’m not sure what, but it was definitely something. Chrissy: It was “interesting”. Diandra: Not sure I would go that far. It was different. Chrissy: Oh, sure, you betcha.