"Torchwood, episode 2x09: Something Borrowed" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Burn Gorman, Naoko Mori, Gareth David-Lloyd, Kai Owen Previously on Torchwood...Rhys and Gwen finally got engaged and Gwen made it sound like she chose him over Jack because she needed stability and not because the writers finally realized that they make a better couple and let Jack start dating Ianto. Apparently they have forgotten everything that happened since that episode. It’s “Friday night”...according to the chryon and we’re in a bar where a couple women in bright red shirts and white cowboy hats are wondering where “she” is. Gwen appears and they sing a crude variation on “Here Comes the Bride”, so I guess this is a bachelorette party. She hugs them and apologizes for being late, but, you know, work. And we flashback to “two hours ago”, with Gwen running down some steps with gun drawn while Owen warns her via comms to be careful because “this thing eats people.” You know...”work”. She ends up in a bathroom and kicks in a couple stall doors before a portly guy appears at the other end of the room. She apologizes and lowers her gun and then his eyes turn red and his teeth turn into some unholy mess of razor sharp needles and he hisses. Gwen just calmly raises the gun again and shoots. The guy takes off and Gwen announces into her intercom that they’re looking for a shape shifter. Above ground, a completely different guy runs from the entrance to the underground toilet, hand pressed to a bullet wound in his side. Gwen follows shortly after. We cut back to the bachelorette party, where Gwen is shoving some chips (sorry...crisps) into her face and asking, I think, whether they will be eating or just drinking until they pass out. Before any of the women can ask if she’s ever actually BEEN to a bachelorette party before, a guy dressed like an airline pilot comes up behind her and rips off his uniform until he’s wearing nothing but a tiny pink speedo. Chrissy: Just to give you a heads up...if you ever do get married, this is totally what your bachelorette party is going to look like. Except the guy will be more ripped. And there’ll be another guy rubbing oil into his pecs. Diandra: And this is why we’re friends. Back to two hours ago, Gwen winds up out in the open in some sort of garden, where the creature tackles her and knocks the gun from her hands. They grapple for a while as she tries to get it back. Back at the party, the girls are freshening up in the bathroom or something and Gwen looks at her watch so we can clearly see the bandage on her arm that has a couple spots of oozing blood. One of the girls comments on it and we flashback to whatever the thing was biting her arm. She throws it off just as Jack arrives and finishes it off with about a half a dozen bullets. He pulls her up and tells her to have Owen take a look at the nasty bite wound. Back at the party, Gwen says it’s nothing but “a scratch”. 7:00AM the next morning, Gwen wakes up to her alarm blaring. She slaps it off, rubs her forehead a little while grumbling, probably about residual hangovers, and recovers as she focuses on the white dress hanging from her dresser. She claps gleefully and sits up on the edge of the bed, freezing as she looks down. She slowly looks toward a full body mirror and the camera focuses on that as she stands to reveal that she is suddenly massively pregnant. She just gapes in horror and makes a noise like ‘oh, holy fuck, WHAT IS THAT?!’ When we come back from the blippy credits, Owen is poking at her abdomen and listening with a stethoscope. He confirms that she is definitely pregnant and nearly at full term. Jack arrives and Gwen turns to him for an explanation because “Owen says I’m pregnant”. Jack looks down like ‘well, OBVIOUSLY.’ Gwen asks what the HELL she could be pregnant with. Owen, futzing with something, announces that whatever it is is biological. Jack says it was the alien she was bitten by last night. Because some species pass eggs to a host by biting. Gwen charges past him to the kitchen to get some water and Jack keeps rambling about stealthy ways of keeping a bloodline going and “Darwin would have had a field day if he’d made it to space.” Gwen sneers at him. Owen promises she’ll be okay because if there was any biological incompatibility she would be dead already. Uh-huh. So we’re pretending we didn’t do a story, like, three episodes ago about a parasite that keeps its host abnormally healthy while it incubates and then kills it on the way out? Chrissy: [makes monkey noises] No, seriously, you expect the writers to actually keep track of that shit? Diandra: Right. I don’t know what I’m thinking. Owen says according to the scan he did, she is carrying a “non- sentient blastopheric mass”, which is some sort of alien egg. She puts the water back in the fridge and pulls out a jar of pickles because, you know, pregnant. Owen assures her they have procedures in place for this type of situation. Gwen screeches around a half-chewed pickle that they’re telling her this sort of thing has happened before? Jack asks if she’s ever heard of immaculate conception. So we’re saying Jesus was an alien? Wait...that actually makes perfect sense if you go with the Star Trek and Marvel theory that any advanced race of aliens would be labeled “gods” by early humans. Owen tells her they just need to take her to the hub and run her through a “biozenic microtron” and she’ll be fine in a couple days. Gwen says hold the phone, she’s supposed to be getting married in five HOURS. Jack and Owen are both like yeah...she’s going to have to put that off. She says the fuck she is because do they have any idea how much a wedding costs? And besides, she’s put Rhys through enough bullshit because of her work, she’s not cancelling the damn WEDDING now. Jack barks that she’s not thinking straight. She screams at him to NOT BRING HER FUCKING HORMONES INTO THIS. Jack realizes she might actually rip his head off and backs off like ‘okay, there’s no need to get upset, let’s just be cool here...’ Owen visibly tries not to smirk. Gwen repeats Owen’s assurance that if she was in mortal danger they would know by now, so they can take care of this AFTER the wedding. You know...I know brides have a reputation for acting crazy, but going through with a wedding when you’re massively pregnant with an alien egg that could possibly decide to hatch and eat its way out of you before the reception is a special sort of insane. Chrissy: At the very least, you would think trying to explain how you became so pregnant in less than 24 hours and why there’s never an actual baby would be too much of a hassle to go through. Diandra: YOU WOULD THINK. Rhys is still passed out on the best man’s couch when his phone rings. He fumbles to pick it up and tosses something at the guy’s head to wake him while he babbles ‘heeeeeeey, honey, yeah, Banana Boat was just talking to the florist and I’m totally not hung over right now.’ She says she needs to see him. Now. He protests that it’s bad luck for them to see each other before the wedding. Then he sobers up and asks “what happened?” Hub. Tosh asks the returning Jack and Owen how Gwen is doing. Owen grumbles that she’s going ahead with the wedding. Jack says it’s okay, really, as long as she doesn’t, you know, go into labor in the middle of the vows or anything. “Rhys might forgive her going down the aisle pregnant, but not giving birth to a razor-toothed monster that eats half his family.” Chrissy: Yeah, Rhys may be the most laid back, understanding man in the universe, but you have to draw the line SOMEWHERE. Ianto arrives as he’s finishing that little tirade and asks if that could actually happen. Owen says they’re not sure because they’re not familiar with this species. Jack says that’s why they need him to do an autopsy on the guy who bit Gwen and “make sure there’s no surprises.” Owen nods and scuttles off to do that. Jack tells Tosh she just got an “early” invite to the wedding so she can keep an eye on Gwen. I assume the stress there was on EARLY because I can’t imagine Gwen didn’t invite her. Jack turns to Ianto and says Gwen is going to need a new, bigger wedding dress. Ianto turns to...I don’t know, contact a tailor or something. Gwen and Rhys’ flat. Gwen is still standing in the kitchen when Rhys arrives, freaking out that she might be having second thoughts. She says um...no, it’s definitely not that, and lifts her arms so her shirt rides up over her bulging stomach. He just stares and we cut away before he can flip a shit. For some reason, Ianto is at a shop, holding dresses up to his own body and checking the mirror to guage sizing. Because they wear the same size dress? Do I want to know how he would know a thing like that? Chrissy: Oh, I think we can guess. Diandra: I didn’t say I couldn’t. I said I’m not sure I WANT to. A salesman comes up behind him and warily asks if he can help him with...something. Ianto says he’s looking for a dress for a friend. The salesman looks him up and down and says yeah, suuuuure you are, buddy. Totally not the first time I’ve heard that. Back at the flat, Rhys is pacing back and forth and ranting about “bloody Torchwood”. Gwen apologizes that she’s screwed everything up and she doesn’t know what to say. Rhys yells that she doesn’t have to say ANYTHING, then apologizes for yelling and says it’s not her fault. It’s Jack and his damn alien- catching bullshit outfit and why the HELL did he send her into this kind of danger on the night before the wedding? Gwen says it’s her JOB and she’ll be FINE because Owen has this “machine thing” back at the hub. Rhys says okay, he’ll get Banana Boat (do I really have to keep calling him this?) to start calling people and tell them she came down with appendicitis or something. She says no, they’re not postponing the wedding. Rhys – the voice of reason - says no, fuck the cost, she is going somewhere where they can take care of her. Whether or not they get married TODAY doesn’t matter. Gwen – the voice of insanity – shrieks that it matters to HER and she doesn’t care if all hellfire and brimstone rains down on them because she’s sick of shit getting in the way of them getting married. At least I think that’s what she’s saying. But here’s what I don’t get about the whole concept of marriage: it’s a contract. You really don’t have to have a big religious ceremony with all the pageantry and “romantic” bullshit that costs as much as a mortgage when you can spend that money on a nice honeymoon and not start your married life off poor. There are these things called justices of the peace. Just go to a damn courthouse and sign some papers and worry about the alien spawn that might be trying to kill you. You can have a reception later if you really insist on making a big production of it. Chrissy: It should be noted here that Diandra’s parents were BARELY married in a small church wedding and against her mother’s wishes, so she might be biased. Diandra: Who are you talking to? Chrissy: I don’t know. Does anybody actually read these things or are we just doing it for our own amusement? I’m not saying I don’t support your plan to go in front of a justice of the peace if you ever get married, but you should know that I will be throwing rice at you anyway. Provided I’m not too busy nursing a hangover and posting pictures of the stripper giving you a lap dance on Facebook. Hub. Owen unzips the body bag in autopsy to reveal the face the shape shifting alien last took. The eyes are blood red and there is a maze of blue lines spidering away from the razor- toothed mouth. Tosh pokes her head in and Owen makes approval noises at the sight of her dress and declares it “drop dead gorgeous”. She says she doesn’t get many chances to dress up and asks what HE’S planning to wear. He says weddings aren’t really his “thing”. She says he should come because it could be “fun”. Yeah, fun. Watching Gwen explain that the massive protrusion of her abdomen is just gas until an alien suddenly bites its way out and starts chasing after members of their families. Also, there’s the fact that Owen is still some sort of zombie. He asks if she’s ever seen a dead man dance. She lamely says she’s seen Fred Astaire in “Easter Parade”. Twice. Which is both a terrible answer and one and a half more times than I could stand watching that movie. She grumbles that she watches a lot of late night TV. Owen realizes that she really does need a date. Is that what this is about? That date they were supposed to have rearing its head again? She says no, she just wants him to come to the wedding. He says okay, fine and she smiles happily. Gwen proves that she has officially lost her goddamn mind by inviting her parents over to the flat and pretending that she’s been pregnant for a while and wanted it to be a surprise. Chrissy: Okay, I know you’ve been trying to get me to believe that Gwen will prove to not be the idiot I thought she was in the beginning of this series, but... Diandra: Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and blame this one on a terrible mixture of Bridezilla craziness and pregnancy hormone overload. Daddy Cooper asks if this is why she kept cancelling visits to them. She says no, absolutely not, that was just her job. Like she said. Mummy Cooper grumbles about that “mysterious job” she’s always mentioning and says it’s not like Swansea is another PLANET or something. Although it has probably stood in for one many times on “Doctor Who”. Dad says she could have at least phoned. She apologizes. Mum has gotten over the shock and brushes off the apology before saying she can’t WAIT to see Rhys’ mum’s face when she finds out. Gwen looks less than thrilled at that idea. Her mum hugs her and gushes that this is great because they’ve been WAITING for a grandchild for SO LONG. Jesus, woman, how long has she known Rhys? A year? Two? They’re just getting married NOW. What is it with people that they are so goddamn anxious for women to get married and immediately start popping out babies every fucking year and half? Chrissy: I’m sensing a little hostility here. Diandra: I’m just saying, what the hell good were those three waves of feminism if we’re still treating women as nothing more than baby factories who barely even get a say in when and how often they have those babies? Chrissy: I’m just going to go...get some wine or something. Maybe a Xanax. Diandra: Yeah, good idea. And get yourself something too. Maybe if we drink this whole “let’s tell everyone I’m actually pregnant even though it’s not an actual baby and this is all bound to end in tears” plan will start making sense. Reception hall. Or hotel. Gwen’s parents drive up with Gwen and Rhys and then hover nearby while Gwen checks in so dad can marvel that he spent the whole night with Rhys’ friends and not ONE of them mentioned that his fiancée was pregnant. Mum says Rhys was probably under strict orders to not say anything because “Gwen knows how to control her man.” Um...sure. Whatever. Diandra: How are we doing on that wine, Chris? Chrissy: [returning and handing over a bottle and two glasses] God, you’re so impatient. Did I miss anything? Diandra: Gwen’s parents think Gwen is the boss of Rhys. Chrissy: ...she isn’t? Rhys’ parents arrive and greet Gwen’s parents with the sort of small talk usually made by people who deeply hate each other but are pretending they don’t for the sake of the kids. When they look up, Gwen has just disappeared so Mum and Dad Cooper apparently decide it is up to them to give the Williams’ a head’s up about the change in circumstances. We cut away before they can actually blab though. Upstairs somewhere, Gwen tells Rhys that this is NOT going to work. No kidding, lady, we’ve been trying to TELL YOU THAT but you’ve been refusing to LISTEN. She says they haven’t thought this through – what happens after the wedding when her parents still think she’s about to drop a grandchild that isn’t a carnivorous hellbeast? It’s not like she can just say “oops! False alarm!” after she’s gotten their hopes up. Rhys suggests telling them “the truth” because look at where all the lying has gotten them. She thinks telling them the truth is worse because they would live in fear of the monsters that fall through the rift. Okay, if you really want to protect them from the horrors of your job, maybe you should have postponed the wedding until you were no longer in danger of giving birth to one of those horrors RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. This exercise in insanity is interrupted when Jack calls to see how Gwen is doing and warn her that Tosh will be arriving any minute to provide “moral support”. Gwen says she doesn’t need a “babysitter”. Rhys suddenly demands she hand the phone to him and barks that they don’t need Jack AT ALL, thanks, because he’s fucked things up enough. Jack says okay, but...um...congratulations on... Rhys hangs up on him. Gwen says it’s not really JACK’S fault and Rhys just stews silently. The bridesmaids arrive at the hotel and marvel in thick, lower class accents at how classy it is. They tell the guy with them (who looks like he could be related to Rhys) that he should have his wedding here if he ever gets "some poor girl drunk enough" to marry him. The guy I'm guessing is Banana Boat (I didn't get a great look at him earlier) greets him as "Mervyn" and then Tosh arrives in the background, maneuvering a flat box that is almost as big as her through the doorway. Banana Boat rushes to help her and ask if she's here for the wedding. She says no thanks and yes, she's a friend of Gwen's. Not much of a "friend" if you weren't technically invited until a couple hours ago. He introduces himself as "banana", so I guess we're never getting a real name for him. She says oh, so he comes up in spots and goes soft quickly? Dear Tosh: I love you. Seriously. Banana says he's the best man, so he's basically in charge of "checking" everything like the cake, the flowers, the musician...so maybe they could have a drink later? Dude...she's not impressed. In fact, she's basically ignoring him and asking the clerk at the desk for directions to the bridal suite. She recites a few chemicals she's "allergic" to over her shoulder as she walks quickly away from him. The upshot is: "bananas make me vomit". Chrissy: Eh, he's used to women saying that about him, I'm sure. Diandra: Unfortunately, he probably misunderstands that to mean that his "little banana" is so huge that they are choking on it because he's not the brightest bulb. Banana Boat kind of slinks away and finds Mervyn gearing up to flirt with a pretty woman he found in the next room. He says she must be on the bride's side of the aisle because lord knows there's nobody that gorgeous on Rhys' side. She just sort of smiles at him and sips at a huge glass of wine because it's never too early to start excessively drinking at a wedding. Chrissy: That's my philosophy, anyway. Diandra: Yes, it's your philosophy for weddings, birthday parties, holiday parties, family reunions... basically any large gathering of people that could potentially serve liquor. Chrissy: I know you like to brag that you don't have to, but SOME of us still have to suffer through get togethers with family members they would rather not spend too much time around. It turns out that the box Tosh brought has the new, larger wedding dress Jack and Ianto got for Gwen. And Tosh says she supports Gwen's decision to tell Jack and Owen to stuff it and go ahead with the wedding no matter what. Yes, well, coming from the person who dated a killer alien, a frozen WWI soldier and now a zombie... Tosh says Gwen is very "lucky" and Gwen says "it'll happen for you one day". You know, maybe Owen. Did she hit her head at some point during that fight or something? Tosh scoffs at the idea because the whole "sickness and in health till death do us part" thing would come across kind of weird coming from a walking corpse. Tosh leaves with an assurance that she'll be downstairs if Gwen needs anything. Chrissy: Anything but relationship advice. She's really bad at that. Back at the Hub, Jack is looking at pictures of wedding dresses and concludes that Ianto made a good choice because it seems to be the best of the options here. Ianto says he got the sizing from the Hub's "security lazer scans". He says his dad was a "master" tailor who could accurately estimate the inside seam of a man's pants by the way he walked across the threshold of the shop. Jack offers to test Ianto's inherited talent sometime. Ianto starts to say that maybe later they can...but Owen bursts in at just that moment to remind us of why he is only slightly less annoying than Martha and Ianto pretends he was still talking about wedding dresses. Owen says they have a problem and we cut right to the autopsy bay where he shows them a purplish, oozing organ of some sort. He says it's the shape- sifting gland of a Nostrovite, which he removed from the thing that bit Gwen. Ianto has no idea what that is, but Jack clearly does. He just ominously declares it "trouble". You know, as opposed to the usual PEACEFUL species of alien that forcibly impregnates people and leaves them to die while the demon spawn chews them apart from the inside. Back at the hotel, Mervyn is still desperately trying to impress the pretty woman. He accidentally sticks her with the corsage he's trying to pin to her dress and offers to get her another drink. She says actually...and leans into him, dropping her voice to a sexy purr and asking "do you feel like getting a bite?" Not realizing that this isn't really a good thing for him coming from basically a Praying Mantis, he follows her from the room eagerly. Tosh goes up to the bar and looks at the napkin the woman was dabbing at her pin wound with. The tiny "bloodstain" is purplish-black. She runs off to find where the "woman" took her victim and runs into Banana in the halls, who leers that his room is over this way if that's what she's looking for "baby". She growls at him to not call her that and goes to brush past him. He tries to corner her and asks what he should call her then. She grabs his arm and pins him face-first into the nearest wall and says he shouldn't call her ANYTHING, actually. Chrissy: Although feel free to refer to me from now on as the woman who broke your arm in three places because you wouldn’t stop HARASSING HER. A scream comes from one of the nearby rooms, followed by some gross crunching and slopping noises. Tosh pulls a gun and tells Banana to stay where he is while she follows the sound. The pretty woman is sitting on the end of the bloodstained, empty bed, reapplying her lipstick. Tosh slowly creeps closer, gun at ready, and barely gets a glimpse of the body on the floor behind the bed before Banana comes in to ask what the hell is going on because clearly he's a moron who can't follow simple instructions. The woman uses the distraction to knock Tosh out and then grabs Banana by the throat and growls that he's "lucky" because she's on a diet, but...on second thought, maybe she can keep him for a snack later. Somewhere in the middle of all of that we had a disorienting and brief cutaway of Gwen's bridesmaids finding her in her room and boggling at her suddenly advanced state of pregnancy, but apparently we're not going back to it anytime soon, so... Back at the Hub, Jack is explaining as Ianto and Owen follow him into his office that a Nostrovite is a shape-shifting carnivore that is particularly fond of eating humans. It's also intelligent and he's kicking himself for not recognizing what it was before. Owen says yeah, well, it's always difficult to tell what you're dealing with when you're dealing with shape- shifters. Ianto asks if it matters because this one is dead. Owen says yes, this particular one, but while this species mates for life just like "swans and penguins" the mating process involves the male carrying the fertilized eggs in his mouth until he can find a (more than likely unwilling) host to plant them in via biting. In this case, Gwen. Ianto asks where the mother of the egg comes in. Owen says she tracks down the host and rips the offspring from it. In conclusion, Jack says, she's hunting down Gwen right now so she can kill her and retrieve the demon spawn her mate basically raped into her. Nice species. They actually make humans look a little less horrible. At the hotel, Gwen passes "mommy" hellbeast on the stairs and doubles over suddenly with some sort of cramp. Mommy Dearest says "he" is just flexing his muscles and "it won't be long now". Gwen smiles politely and walks quickly away from the creepy woman eyeing her possessively. Chrissy: Huh. That wasn’t weird at all. Did we even invite her? Diandra: Yeah, that case of baby brain is really wreaking havoc on her instincts. Ianto pulls the car around to the front of Millenium Stadium and Jack and Owen jump in. Jack says Tosh has stopped responding and asks if Owen is sure he's ready for this because Nostrovites are particularly dangerous. "You think you have it covered a hundred feet away and it's already chewing on your liver." Chrissy: And ordering some fava beans and Chianti. Diandra: [golf clap] Owen points out that he doesn't exactly NEED his liver so he should be an asset to them. He futzes with his bag so Jack has a chance to note that he's packed the Singularity Scalpel and ask just what the hell he thinks he's doing with that. Owen says the microtron weighs a couple tons and they may not have time to get Gwen back to the hub to use it anyway. Ianto reminds him that that thing has killed people. Owen reminds him that it worked on Martha because it only kills redshirts, not main characters. Jack dismisses that as luck. Owen says he's been working on it and he's sure he has it figured out now, so they should trust him. Besides, they really don't have any other options at this point. Ianto says he's right. Jack yelps that ever since Owen died, Ianto has been taking his side and what is the DEAL anyway? Ianto says he was raised to never speak ill of the dead. Even if the dead are still talking and being the same raging assholes they always were. Jack sighs and says Owen had better be SURE he knows what he's doing. The bridesmaids, now dressed in some nice, dark red dresses (because not all bridesmaids dresses have to be purple or seafoam green, it turns out) are discussing the fact that Gwen absolutely DID NOT look pregnant last night. Bridesmaid #2 (I'm calling the other one #1 because she's mouthier) wonders if maybe they had WAY too much to drink. #1 says yes, she was late, so maybe they were completely hammered by the time she got there. Chrissy: Come to think of it, I don't know how I got home, but I woke up with glitter in places I can't really explain and some guy’s phone number written across my boobs. Diandra: I would ask if you're speaking from personal experience there, but I'm afraid I already know the answer. Gwen's mom finishes stuffing her into her new dress and gushes that she looks "like an angel". Gwen apologizes about "this". Mum says something about babies being "god's blessing", but I'm pretty sure she'll change her tune when this "baby" is gnawing on her leg with razor teeth. At least I hope so. Mum says Gwen will make a great mother and she and Daddy Cooper will be there for them. She leaves with one last "I love you" and Gwen looks at her pregnant body in the mirror and cries. Unfortunately, her father is still in the bathroom, so she completely fails to hide this breakdown from him. She whimpers that she can't do this - she can't lie to them anymore. Rhys isn't the baby's father. And since she's been away from the rest of the team, she probably doesn't realize that she isn't even it's mother. Outside, Rhys' dad flags him down to say that they still can't find Banana Boat (really? Does he not HAVE a real name?) and his mother is starting to freak out that this whole wedding is going wrong. Chrissy: Oh, we're WAY past things going wrong. He asks if Rhys is sure the baby is even his. Chrissy: No, I’m pretty sure it isn’t. I’m just not sure it can even, technically, be called a “baby”. Diandra: Seriously, why are we going through with this circus of a plan? Rhys, apparently used to his parents’ disapproval, rants that he LOVES Gwen and he always has since they met with every fiber of his being. Daddy Williams notes that he loved Carys Morgan too. "I was twelve years old," Rhys shrieks. Chrissy: Yes, but you had PLANS. You were going to marry her, you were going to have two children and you were going to live in a big house in the country where you didn’t have to listen to your parents anymore. Diandra: And you would pay for that house with the money you made as an astronaut. Or a pirate. You weren’t quite decided on that part yet. Back in the bedroom/murder scene, Tosh wakes up to find that Mommy Dearest has a very cruel sense of humor as she has tied Tosh and Banana Boat together in the middle of some sort of web suspending above the bed. She struggles and Banana Boat tells her not to bother, he already determined that they can't get out of this thing. She wriggles and grunts and, realizing he's right, sighs and asks if he could at least move his hand. She waits a second, then adds "AWAY". Really, dude, now is not exactly the time to cop a feel. Chrissy: Well, hey, who knows when there will BE a right time anymore, right? Carpe diem? Or, if you are a millennial, YOLO? Look, he doesn’t want to die a virgin, okay? Gwen's dad is reassuring her that it's okay if she doesn't want to go through with the wedding because there's another man, they'll work everything out. She says there isn't another man and begs him to LISTEN. She takes his hand and explains that Cardiff is sitting on a rift in time and space and she works for an organization that deals with whatever comes through it and yes, that means aliens. Dad kind of splutters and possibly wonders if his daughter is having a psychotic break. She shows him the wrapped bite wound and says, basically, long story short, an alien bit her last night and now she's pregnant. "It's an alien," she repeats, pointing at her bloated abdomen. Chrissy: I would like to point out that you are now doing exactly what you told Rhys you couldn't do when he suggested it and basically nothing you have done this entire episode makes any sense whatsoever. Diandra: And I would like to point out that this is what you brought the wine for. Drink up. Dad has, in fact, apparently decided that Gwen has gone cuckoo, because he finds Mummy Cooper downstairs and bemoans that the poor girl has been WAY too stressed by this wedding thing. She thinks she's pregnant with a space alien, but hopefully if they can just get through this day she'll be fine. Mummy Williams interrupts to note that Gwen is awfully LATE isn't she? Mummy Cooper grinds her teeth and says she should know the bride always likes to make an entrance. Chrissy: Yeah, this one might make a memorable exit too when the alien spawn punctuates the words "I do" by ripping from her chest a la "Alien". Mummy Williams says she wasn't late to HER wedding. Mummy Cooper says no, obviously, or her husband would have gotten away and stomps off before Mrs. Williams can fully register the insult. Nice parents you have there, Rhys. Banana Boat moans that that thing is going to kill them if it comes back, isn't it? Tosh tells him to stay calm because her friends will find them. Banana Boat is not reassured and starts yelling for help. Tosh tries to get him to shut up by pointing out that the thing could come back if it hears him and then just does something that makes Banana Boat groan in pain. "That's enough," she hisses. "Unless you want to start singing in falsetto." And we're at the ceremony which seems to be in some sort of conservatory with only a couple dozen people. I like the intimacy of it, but again...why couldn't this have been postponed until she was less of a ticking time bomb? It's not like it was a huge affair. Ugh, whatever. This whole thing is contrived and nonsensical. Everyone but the parents and bridesmaids gasps as they see Gwen's stomach. As the minister begins the ceremony, we cut back to the SUV racing along, supposedly only a couple minutes away now. "What I don't understand is if people are going to make such a big deal about getting married, why come out into the middle of nowhere where no-one can find you to do it," Jack asks. He thinks it points to an "inner conflict". Ianto argues that maybe the couple just want everything to be "perfect". "An alien egg in your belly and it's mother coming to rip you open," Owen mutters from the back seat. "Yeah. Perfect." Chrissy: So does this mean Jack and Ianto are going to fight about their own wedding plans? Diandra: Like they’re going to have time to get married before...um... oops... Chrissy: Oh, God, Ianto is going to die too, isn’t he? Diandra: Well, not YET. Chrissy: Fuck the writers. Diandra: No, this is good because now you’ll have a few episodes to prepare yourself for the inevitable devastation. Chrissy: A few? It’s happening next season already? Diandra: ...um... Chrissy: DAMNIT! The minister is just getting to the part about anyone who has reason why the couple shouldn't get married speaking up or forever holding their peace when Jack bursts through the doors and yells "STOP THE WEDDING!" He runs up to Gwen and apologizes, but says they can't do this now. Mrs. Williams growls that she KNEW the baby wasn't Rhys'. Yes, it would seem that we ARE doing this little comedy of errors where it looks like Jack might possibly be trying to stop the wedding because he's in love with Gwen whether we like it or not. Rhys hisses that Jack has screwed up enough between them, he is NOT going to screw up the wedding now. Jack says he's trying to SAVE Gwen, and really, come to think of it, Rhys and probably everybody else in the immediate vicinity. Owen and Ianto follow a trace on Tosh's comm and go to work on freeing her and Banana Boat. Gwen, Rhys and Jack find a private room somewhere where Jack can explain that Nostrovites hunt in pairs, so while they killed Daddy Hellbeast, Mommy Dearest is still around somewhere, waiting to fulfill her role as the "midwife from hell". Rhys closes the door and asks if Jack thinks it's here already. Jack says it's a shape-shifter, so for all they know it's been having drinks with Rhys' parents for the last couple hours. Chrissy: No, she would have eaten them already if she had to spent any time around them. Outside, the bridesmaids are discussing the fact that some gorgeous guy just cut the wedding short. #1 asks if #2 thinks the baby is his then. #2 says well..."didn't you see the look on her face when he showed up?" Really? Either these two must be really bad at reading people or Gwen must be acting more inconsistent than I thought because I would imagine her expression at that moment would have said "Jack, so help me God, I will BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH MY SHOE YOU BASTARD." Chrissy: And then wait for you to resurrect so I can DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. #2 says she should find Mervyn and tell him not to bother getting "George Michael" out of the van. Gwen is still insisting that they're not stopping the wedding. Because Rhys has had to put up with nothing but lies and pants- shitting terror and general "crap" ever since she met Jack and he has still stood by her. And, you know, as a general rule if somebody is willing to suffer through that much insanity with you, you really should marry them or whatever your culture does to insure that you can keep them forever. But apparently we have to beat the whole sexual tension between Gwen and Jack thing into the ground first because she parks herself in front of him and pointedly asks who the hell else would marry her after all that has happened, knowing what he does including the fact that she is carrying a human-eating monster right now. No, really, WHO ELSE? She is going to go through with this wedding come hell or high water goddamnit, because she LOVES Rhys. Rhys sidles over and says that's lovely and all, but it IS his wedding too and you know, maybe he should have a say? Chrissy: No. Before anyone can say anything else, Bridesmaid #2 finds Mervyn's mostly-eaten body and starts screaming. Owen, Ianto and Tosh are still in the room but they just stare at her as she screams for a full half a minute and runs off. Jack runs in, Gwen and Rhys in tow, and orders Ianto to go after the girl because he needs this situation "contained". Yeah, why are we not doing that already anyway? Did everyone take an extra dose of stupid this morning or something? Rhys takes one look at the carnage and says they need to get Gwen out of here NOW. Tosh gives Jack a description of the shape-shifter: they're looking for a "woman in black". Remind me never to call you as an eyewitness to a crime, Tosh. Chrissy: She’s so proud of that description too. It was a woman! She was wearing black! Diandra: She had some sort of hair! And shoes! Chrissy: I suppose it’s no better than our procedurals always searching for a white man with dark hair between the ages of twenty-five and forty. Diandra: Except Tosh would apparently describe him as a “man wearing jeans”. We cut to the apparently non-descript, generic - to Tosh anyway - woman, who is listening to Mrs. Williams rant about this American with no sense of timing or fashion. Bridesmaid #2 comes into the hall shrieking for someone to call the police because Mervyn's been murdered. Ianto is right behind her. He stops, turns on his comm and tells Jack that the situation is officially "uncontained". Yeah, nice going, buddy. YOU HAD ONE JOB. Jack tells him to get to the SUV and jam the phone lines before somebody tries to call the police. He says he and Tosh will look for the woman in black and Owen will operate on Gwen. Rhys yelps that he wants Gwen safe NOW. Jack's like WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M TRYING TO DO HERE? He says if they run, the Nostrovite will find them. Gwen asks what the plan is, then. Didn't he JUST tell you the plan? Owen says he has an idea. Back out in the Conservatory, several people including both of the couple's fathers are trying to call out, but Ianto has apparently successfully jammed all signals. Jack comes barreling in, yelling at everyone to stay calm and do what he says. Mr. Williams asks who the hell he is anyway. Jack just says "Torchwood". Mr. Cooper, whose daughter was just explaining to him what Torchwood is earlier, splutters like "wait, all that stuff she said was REAL and she's not just losing her shit?" Tosh has trailed in after Jack, gun drawn, and easily spots the "woman in black" in the small crowd. Throwing all hope of doing this quietly and without risking collateral damage under a bus, she yells at Jack that she found her and Mommy Dearest goes full razor tooth monster. Both Tosh and Jack shoot at her while everyone else screams and runs in every direction until the Nostrovite jumps through the nearest window and goes running across the lawn. Well. That went well. Jack and Tosh chase Mommy Dearest around the grounds a bit until they lose track of her. Tosh says she can't have gone far, right? Jack says no, not without what she came for. Chrissy: Can I note here that Tosh is such a badass that she was able to keep up with Jack even though she was running in spiky heels AND she's barely out of breath? Diandra: I know. Don’t you love her? Owen pulls the Singularity Doohicky from his backpack and Gwen shrieks that THIS is his brilliant plan? Really? Owen sighs that it's "cool", really, he's spent a lot of time on it since, you know, he accidentally killed someone with it. There's banging on the door and Mrs. Williams' shrieking harpy voice calls her son's name from out in the hall. Gwen grabs her bouquet and tries to pretend nothing is going on while Rhys lets her in. Mrs. Williams babbles that there's this monster and the American guy and the Japanese girl were chasing it. Owen takes this as his cue to leave them, calling Jack from the hallway. Jack says the Nostravite got away and asks how Gwen is doing. Owen says Rhys' mom is with her. Tosh looks back toward the building and notes that Rhys' mom is still HERE in the crowd by the conservatory, chatting with Gwen's mom. Owen races back to the room, where Gwen is explaining to "Mrs. Williams" that the baby is actually an alien. Mrs. Williams opens her mouth, but before she can say anything or start biting or whatever, Jack bursts into the room - Tosh and Ianto behind him - and screams "step back, you ugly bitch!" Okay, we really need to discuss your approach to situations, Jack. Rhys protests the fact that Jack would say something like that to his mother while WAVING A GUN IN HER FACE, but Jack says it's okay, she's actually the alien. Mrs. Williams babbles that she's NOT an alien and she has no idea what he's talking about. "Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn't have a thing with Tonto," Jack sneers. Chrissy: Well, that explains some of the files on your computer. Diandra: And really? TrenchcoatDoctorLuvr? Don’t you think that screen name is a bit obvious? Gwen calmly asks if the shape-shifter can copy smells as well as physical traits. Owen says no. Gwen says okay then this is actually Mrs. Williams because she would recognize that terrible perfume anywhere. Jack makes fish faces and lowers his gun. Rhys punches him. Tosh diffuses the potential fight being preluded here by pointing out that this means the Mrs. Williams outside is the alien. Everyone including Gwen and Rhys runs back outside to find the fake Mrs. Williams, who immediately goes full razor tooth monster and grabs Mrs. Cooper, using her as a human shield. "The bond between mother and child is a wonderful thing," the razor tooth she devil hisses before ordering Gwen to let her have HERS. Mrs. Cooper yelps a cliched "don't listen to it" and Gwen says it will be fine, she will keep her safe. Rhys starts to say...something, but since I have no subtitles and it's garbled I can't really make it out. Gwen doesn't look at him and calls to Jack, who yells at Rhys to back down. Rhys reluctantly steps back. Gwen walks toward the Nostravite, holding her bouquet in front of her, while the rest of the team twitch nervously, guns aimed. Except the minute the Nostravite gets distracted and tosses Mrs. Cooper aside to lunge for Gwen, she is riddled with bullets, all of them coming from behind Gwen's bouquet. Chrissy: Okay yeah, I see where she can be as much of a badass as Tosh. Diandra: Yep. This is the Gwen I love. Unfortunately, the damn thing is still not dead even though this was all it took to kill her mate. She runs off. Gwen's parents flutter around her worriedly even though she's clearly more than capable of handling herself. Mr. Cooper babbles at Jack that Gwen told them about Torchwood, but they didn't believe... Jack's like yeah, later. Owen needs to take care of the alien hellspawn first. Owen shuttles Gwen back to the room and says he'll be in in a minute, but he needs to talk to Rhys privately. "We all love Gwen and I don't want anything bad to happen to her, but I honestly have no idea what the fuck I'm doing and there's a good chance this may kill her," is probably what he MEANT to say, but what comes out is that the last time he used the Singularity Scalpel he had two good hands (he holds up his heavily bandaged left hand) and he thinks Rhys should be his hands and he'll guide him through it. He figures Rhys would want whoever has Gwen's life in their hands to be fully functioning. He would have asked Jack, but...Jack's a little busy right now. Actually, Jack is somehow entering the room Gwen is back in without either of the guys noticing, so I guess they're in a completely different hallway or something. Gwen is looking at herself in the mirror. A stain that is either gun oil or Nostrovite blood spatter is dripping down the front of her bulging dress. She describes this as "not exactly the blushing bride" look and grumbles that she's given up on anything going according to plans anymore. Jack steps right up close to her and puts his hands on her shoulders. "If life always turned out the way we expected, what would be the point of living," he says, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She grabs one of his hands and says she never expected to meet someone like him and, come to think of it, she would be MARRIED by now if she hadn't. He says some cryptic thing about having met someone who knocked his world off balance too. Chrissy: Yeah. Ianto. Diandra: I'm starting to wonder if all the residual UST is actually supposed to be in this episode or if it's just the way they're playing it for some reason. The dialogue itself is pretty ambiguous. Gwen turns and babbles about how Rhys has always been there for her and loves her while Jack stares at her lips and leans in like he's going to kiss her. Before I can actually throw something at the TV though, he turns into the razor tooth Nostrovite. This both explains some of the weirdness of the last few moments and brings up an interesting question. This is the female Nostrovite. Every human she has mimicked so far has also been female. The fact that it is suddenly mimicking JACK suggests either that it has suddenly switched genders or, more likely, Jack is just as female as he is male - possibly because he has a mixture of internal organs of both or just because the distinction has ceased to exist in the future because humans have evolved beyond it. Chrissy: Is this the Face of Boe pregnancy thing again? You know you give the writers too much credit. It could just as easily be the first option: it switched genders because the writers needed it to. Diandra: Yeah, but my theory covers more loose ends so I'm running with it. Everything else about this episode suggests the writers took a sudden collective blow to their heads and developed selective amnesia, I need SOMETHING that resembles a glimmer of sanity. Owen and Rhys, finally realizing something has gone wrong, burst into the room and Rhys hits Nostrovite Jack with the nearest "weapon" he can find: a chair. Chrissy: He's been wanting to throw things at Jack ever since he met him. This is his moment. Rhys grabs Gwen and they run while Owen empties his entire clip into Nostrovite Jack. Chrissy: Yeah, he's been wanting to do that too. Diandra: He already DID, remember? That's how they all found out he's immortal. Chrissy: Oh. Right. No, I can't be bothered with actually remembering shit. I'm just here to make jokes and provide you with liquor and company while you drive yourself deeper into insanity. Diandra: And your service is appreciated. Nostrovite Jack falls back on the bed and Owen creeps hesitantly over to make sure he/she/it is actually dead this time. Of course, it isn't and it leaps up and hisses in his face. Owen freezes and mutters "come on, do me a favor." The Nostrovite sniffs at him a little, confused, and then just runs off. Yep, once again: nobody wants the dead guy. Gwen and Rhys are out in the gardens somewhere when Gwen stops and doubles over with a whine. Rhys asks if she's okay. "I'm running around in a wedding dress with what feels like a keg of lager stuck up my skirt. What do you think, Rhys?" Rhys clenches his jaw and growls at her to COME ON then. Ha. Actual Jack, Ianto and Tosh arrive at the room and Owen points a gun at Jack warily. Jack asks what the hell just happened. "It thought I'd gone off," Owen non-answers. Tosh asks where Gwen and Rhys are. Owen says yeah, they ran off, so it turns out that even though Gwen and I have put approximately fifty bullets in the thing there's something that is keeping her going like a fucking Energizer Bunny. Maybe it's the mothering instinct or something but "something is making that cow unstoppable." The guns aren't working. "Then I guess we're going to need a bigger gun," Jack says. Chrissy: Oh, that's your answer to everything. Diandra: That's every guy's answer to everything: bigger and more powerful. Chrissy; And maybe with more staying power. Diandra: Eh, that's negotiable. Along with its ability to NOT knock itself out after a big power surge. Apparently said bigger gun is out in the SUV. Ianto goes with Jack to help him assemble it. Chrissy: If you know what I mean. Diandra: That too. Gwen and Rhys run into some sort of barn and Gwen collapses into a pile of hay, crying that she can't go any further. Something starts banging at the door Rhys locked behind them and he yelps that "it" is here already. She hisses at him that it will hear and he brilliantly notes that there really isn't any point in keeping quiet anymore. Luckily, he still has Owen's backpack and he pulls the Singularity Doohicky from it, assuring Gwen that Owen showed him how it works. She screams in the direction of the door like she's decided she would rather take her chances with the "midwife from hell" than trust that that thing will actually work. Finally, she decides there isn't an option anymore and lays back, ordering him to "do it". Chrissy: She will repeat this last bit on the first night of their honeymoon. Only with less screaming. Rhys pushes a button and a lantern or something in the corner explodes. Gwen shrieks at him and he babbles that he's got it this time and twiddles a knob on the side of the device. She says she loves him. He tries not to lose it and pushes the button again as a grainy picture of an egg appears on the little screen. It vaporizes and Gwen gasps and goes still. Rhys throws himself at her and verifies that she's still breathing. They kiss and she grabs at the empty air over her flat abdomen to make sure that it is, in fact, gone. The Nostrovite, back in Mrs. Williams' body for some reason, breaks down the door and screams at Rhys to get away from her. Rhys grabs the nearest weapon he can find again...which is a chainsaw...and yells that she's too late, it's already gone. He stomps toward the hissing Nostrovite, yelling over the running chainsaw that he has had about enough of her bullshit because first she impregnated his wife and then she impersonated his mother and on top of everything she RUINED HIS WEDDING DAY. He raises the chainsaw over his head and it chooses that moment to run out of gas and splutter to a stop. He freezes, realizing his badass moment is completely ruined, and whimpers "fuck." She cocks her head and notes that he's being a "bad boy". "And do you know what bad boys get?" Chrissy: Well, I’m guessing your answer isn’t going to be as fun as mine usually is. Diandra: How’s the new boyfriend working out, by the way? Chrissy: [checking her watch] I think he can hold on another hour. Diandra: Tell me you have not actually had him tied up somewhere this whole time. Chrissy: I do not actually have him tied up somewhere this whole time. Diandra: Are you lying? Chrissy: No, I'm just saying what you told me to say. Now get back to the recap. Tick tock! She menaces toward him and then just explodes, revealing Jack standing in the doorway behind her holding a ginormous bazooka. "How's that for a shapeshift," is his lame action hero line as he postures with it like "yes, this IS an anatomically accurate representation of my dick". He looks at Rhys, staring open mouthed with bits of Nostrovite dripping from him, and says the whole "Evil Dead" thing looks good on him, actually. Very badass. He goes to check on Gwen who literally jumps in his arms like she's going to ravish him right here on Nostrovite- splattered floor of a barn in front of her fiance. Jack puts her down beside Rhys and presses their hands together, adding that "the hero always gets the girl". She looks at Rhys and remembers who the hell she's supposed to be. She apologizes for ruining everything and asks if he still wants to marry her. And we're back in the conservatory and Gwen is reciting her vows, looking warily at the team all sitting on her side of the aisle as she gives her middle name as Elizabeth. Apparently Rhys (whose middle name is Alan) went first because after she says "lawfully wedded husband" we jump right to them kissing. At the reception sometime later, Gwen and Rhys are already on the dance floor and Owen - severely underdressed in a Galaxy All Stars t-shirt made "fancy" by a flower pinned to it - approaches Tosh to ask if she wants to see a dead man dance after all. She takes his hand and they go out onto the floor, leaving Jack sitting by himself. Where the hell is Ianto? Jack goes to "cut in" and dance with Gwen because the writers just can't let this idea die quietly. Rhys says yeah, sure, he's getting kind of tired, and goes to find a beer. Nice that he's no longer worried. Jack tells her to enjoy the honeymoon. She asks what he's going to do while she's gone. "Ooh, the usual...pizza...Ianto....save the world a couple of times." Chrissy: Ianto...watch the last Avengers movie...did I mention Ianto? Because seriously, he might be walking funny by the time you get back. Diandra: No, really, your service is very much appreciated. I love you. No, seriously though, he says Rhys is a lucky man and a "perfect" husband because he's loyal and brave and he really loves her. They stare at each other for a minute before Ianto finally shows up and asks if he can cut in. Gwen makes an aborted reach for him before realizing that duh, he didn't mean her. And sometime later Ianto is bringing a beer to Rhys because apparently serving drinks is his job no matter where he is. Rhys nods at their parents, who are all slumped on their table sleeping, and says you'd never guess they were nearly eaten by a psycho alien a couple hours ago. Gwen notes that it's been "a bit much" for their mothers, who are slumped against each other. Then she looks around and realizes every other member of the wedding party is falling asleep on their tables one by one. The music cuts off as the DJ collapses on her turntable. Jack says yeaaaaahhh, it turns out level 6 Retcon and champagne are a really potent mixture. Gwen sighs that it's probably for the best because she doesn't want her mother to remember what happened to her. Um...except nobody will remember the wedding at ALL now. This was a great plan, Gwen, I'm glad you insisted on going through with it. Jack pushes two full glasses at Gwen and Rhys and suggests that maybe they don't want to remember it either. Why? It's not like they don't already know the shit that comes with her job. Also, wouldn’t they just have to go through the whole wedding all over again? Gwen says no, "there will be no secrets in this marriage." Yeah, that's what they all say. Chrissy: Cynic. Diandra: I prefer to think of it as realism. Even the most stable of couples are never 100% honest all the time. Everybody lies. Chrissy: Oh, great. Now you’re Dr. House. Diandra: Well, as you’ve pointed out many times in “Sherlock” recaps, I have a disturbing number of traits in common with Sherlock Holmes, so, by extension...yes. Rhys kind of chuckles and says all right then, they'll see them after the honeymoon. "Stay out of trouble." Chrissy: Hi Rhys. You're obviously new. Have you met Jack yet? Gwen kisses and hugs everybody goodbye and she and Rhys leave. Tosh says she's guessing they still have a lot of work to do here. Jack says yep. Major cleanup. They scatter and Ianto mutters "that's what I love about Torchwood. By day, chasing the scum of the universe. Come the night you're the wedding fairy." Chrissy: Oh, it's okay honey, you can be a fairy during the day too. Diandra: As long as Jack gets to capture you and “interrogate” you until you give up the location of the “gold”. Chrissy: Okay, first of all...you’re thinking of leprechauns. Second, I don’t know what the “gold" is in your little scenario there, but I’m still going to say you did that wrong. Jack goes back to the hub, pulls a box from his desk and starts going through old pictures of himself. And by old I mean they're practically crumbling. He stops on one that looks like it was taken around the turn of the last century. It's a wedding picture featuring him and a woman we haven’t seen anything about yet. He smiles wistfully and we fade out. Chrissy: Is it just me or was that episode nuttier and more nonsensical than usual even for this show? Diandra: Yeah, I think the writers didn’t realize that we stopped caring about their little romance triangle a long time before this episode. Chrissy: Do we have any wine left or should I restock before we start the next episode? Diandra: Yes.