"Torchwood, episode 2x12: Fragments" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Burn Gorman, Naoko Mori, Gareth David-Lloyd, Kai Owen The Torchwood SUV pulls up in front of some abandoned building somewhere and Jack, Ianto, Owen and Tosh pile out. Ianto tells Gwen via comm that he’s texting her the location where they have “four or five” signs of life that are decidedly NOT human. Thank you, Mr. Exposition Fairy. Chrissy: I thought we weren’t supposed to call them that. Diandra: Welcome back, Chris. Nice to have you again. Owen asks if they’re sure these aren’t just Weevils. Tosh says it’s a different energy pattern – a weird one that doesn’t seem to belong to any species they’ve encountered before. Jack orders Owen and Ianto to go around to the other side of the building and check the upper floors. We follow Jack and Tosh as they sweep the lower floor from the front of the building. It seems abandoned, but Tosh says she’s getting “mirror readings” on both floors of creatures at both ends of the building on her little handheld doohickey. Jack says they should split up. Upstairs, Owen silently gestures the same thing at Ianto. We follow all of them separately as they continue talking through their comms about how spookily quiet these creatures are. Ianto wonders if maybe they’re “hatching”. Tosh comes up on a small, funny looking device with a softly beeping clock that generally has all the standard outward appearance of a bomb. Jack finds an identical device at the other end of the building. Upstairs, Ianto and Owen come upon two more just as they all tick down the final three seconds. “Snap,” is all Owen offers before the bombs go off and we cut to the outside of the building where all of the windows blow outward. Chrissy: While I object to “snap” as a slang replacement for much better alternatives, I can think of worse final words. Diandra: Yeah, there’s one more episode. He’s not dead yet. Chrissy: Oh, fuckballs. Bleeping credits. Gwen and Rhys’ flat. Gwen wakes up to her phone beeping frantically. She fumbles for it, muttering a stream of “shitshitshit” like someone who totally didn’t hear the alarm go off and is now seriously late for work. She listens to the voicemail Ianto left and adds “shit!” We zoom in on Jack laying amid the rubble of the blown up building, his head turned at a weird angle and cut to a black screen that says “1,392 deaths earlier”. Jack – sporting some rather alarming sideburns – gasps awake in an alley, a broken wine bottle lodged in his stomach. He yanks it out with all sorts of squealing and squelching noises and tosses it, then notices the women in 19th century dresses standing nearby. Instead of loudly declaring something like “that’s not the first time I’ve had something that big inside me” as I would expect from him, he just says something along the lines of “it’ll take more than that to kill me” and staggers upright. He says he was in a bar fight that got a little out of hand, but it’s okay, the giant hole in his side is just flesh wound. He groans, wobbles and says he’s still not used to these... um...hangovers. The women advance on him silently. He introduces himself and asks how long they’ve been standing there. They just keep advancing. He says oh, they’re the silent type. That’s nice. “I used to date a guy with no mouth. Surprisingly creative.” Okay, I get that that’s a cute little throwaway allusion to the number of people...er...bipedal life forms he’s had suck his dick, but...are we supposed to assume that this “guy” was not human and got his sustenance some other way that didn’t involve pumping liquefied food directly into his stomach? I’m not sure I want to picture the implications here. Chrissy: Dude, you are WAY over thinking that joke. Diandra: Well, somebody has to do it. Chrissy: No, you really don’t. It would be like if I made a rude gesture with a hotdog and a doughnut and you became overly concerned about me having a heart attack from eating foods like that. It kind of ruins the joke. One of the women punches him in the recently healed stomach wound and kicks him flat on his back again. The other women straddles his neck. Predictably, he looks at her hovering crotch and says well, they could have just ASKED, but can they go somewhere private first? She stuffs a handkerchief in his mouth and holds him until his face turns red and his POV shot goes black. He gasps awake again when a bucket of water that is probably cold is thrown on him. He looks at the dungeon like room he’s tied to a chair in the middle of and tells the women, who are hovering silently again, that this isn’t exactly the kind of room he meant. The woman who choked him – the blonde - rips his shirt open and attaches a couple electrodes to his chest. “Time was electrodes to the nipples meant the start of a good night,” he jokes because seriously, he has no off switch. She just smirks and turns a lever on a device to shock the hell out of him. He alternately screams and laughs until she shuts it off again. Finally speaking, she notes that she just gave him a full charge and he’s still breathing. He gasps that she has some pretty advanced equipment over there and asks where the hell he is. The brunette picks up a pistol and shoots him in the face. When he gasps awake AGAIN, the brunette is still standing there holding the pistol at ready, rolling her eyes like ‘sheesh. What a drama queen.’ She asks why he isn’t dead. The blonde says they’ve been “monitoring” him and he has died fourteen times in the past six months but somehow he keeps popping back up. Also, who is “The Doctor”? Jack lies that he has no idea. The brunette picks up a piece of paper and reads some quotes: “The Doctor. He will be able to fix me. When The Doctor turns up, it’ll all be put right. You wait ‘til I see The Doctor. First I’m going to kiss him, then I’m going to kill him.” Chrissy: And when I say I’m going to “kiss” him, I don’t necessarily mean it will be on the lips. Diandra: Preferably not, actually. She says these are things he’s been overheard saying in various bars. She reaches down and does something to make him gasp, but we just breeze past it and she stands back again, offering to let him go if he tells them where The Doctor is. The blonde notes that he’s with Torchwood, an institute created “to combat the threat posed by the Doctor and other phantasmagoria”. Jack laughs and says the Doctor isn’t a THREAT. Also, he has no idea where the Doctor is. The blonde reaches for the switch on the nipple torture device and he yelps that the Doctor LEFT him here and he hangs around because he knows he uses the rift to refuel his ship. He asks if he can go now because they can’t just keep him here. Blonde says they can, actually. “Unless...” the Brunette teases. Jack takes the bait: unless what? The blonde says there are “opportunities” with “The Institute” and since whoever stabbed him with that bottle probably took every last penny he had he’s going to need money. Jack sighs and asks what the assignment is. And we cut to Victorian Era Jack catching one of those fish humanoids. Fish face protests that he didn’t do anything. Jack lists his offenses, which include joyriding in a stolen carriage and all manner of petty theft. He says it’s an addiction with his species, isn’t it? Chrissy: Racist. Wait...speciesist? Fish face says he’s just having a “bit of fun”. Jack says this planet is a whole century away from having any contact with alien life forms. Hell, they’re over a half a century away from even finding out that the moon doesn’t have any of those life forms. So, you know, quit fucking with the timeline. Fish face asks who he is so Jack can stand over him like an all powerful badass and growl “I’m Torchwood”. So Jack throws Fish Face into the Victorian version of Torchwood’s basement cells. When Fish Face protests that they can’t lock him up after he apologized and pinky swore to correct his mistake, Jack tells the brunette that they can’t just lock him up because he’s obviously just a KID. They should send him back where he came from. The brunette wishes that were an option, but the Rift only works one way. That they know of. Until literally last week’s episode. But whatever; they couldn’t control it even if they knew about it. Jack asks what they do with the ones they catch then – long term storage? The brunette pulls her pistol and shoots Fish Face. Jack freaks out and asks why the HELL she did that. She yells that he was a THREAT to the British empire. In what might be the old version of the Hub, the blonde gives him a wad of cash for catching Fish Face, then follows it up with his next assignment. He stops just short of telling her where she can shove it. She makes veiled threats to reveal exactly what he is if he refuses to work with them. As long as he’s working with them, he’s an asset to the Empire, but he could just as easily be considered a threat. You know, like Fish Face. Also, how else is he going to make money? Well, presumably he was getting by BEFORE you showed up. Chrissy: Without resorting to prostituting himself. Diandra: Oh...well...um... He takes the “assignment”, makes a show of considering it for a second or two and tosses it back on her desk before storming out. The brunette, recently arrived, notes that he’s “pretty” but “you’re prettier”. Chrissy: Now, girls, this isn’t a competition. Diandra: But if it was, Ianto would have them both beaten, right? Chrissy: Hmm...yeah. Bar. Jack is using his recently earned blood money to drown in a bottle of wine when the young tarot card reader from several episodes back shows up and offers to do a reading. He says no, but she just clears the table in front of him and starts dealing. One of the cards actually has HIS face superimposed on a knight posing like he just won a battle in the crusades. She announces that the man he’s looking for is “coming” but it will take two turns of the century before they find each other. Jack scoffs, realizes she’s serious and asks what the hell he’s supposed to do while he’s waiting a hundred years for the Doctor to show up. Chrissy: There are billions of people on the planet. I’m sure you can work your way through a few thousand by then. Or, you know, however many it takes for your dick to fall off. Diandra: Didn’t they say he’s immune to all STDs at some point or am I thinking of fanfic? Chrissy: Yeah. I’d say you just answered your own question. So he goes back to the shady women and starts working for Torchwood as an “uncontracted agent”. The blonde handwrites a note and puts it in a file drawer designated for him and we get a little montage of hands adding information to the file over the years, writing and then typing on typewriters and varying computer keyboards. We stop on New Year’s Eve, 1999. Jack, looking very much the way he does now, comes into the present day version of the Hub joking about the real “Millenium bug” having 18 legs and spitting poison. As compared to the virtual one which...yeah, that didn’t do anything. He stops laughing when he realizes the members of his 90s era team are laying on the floor dead. All except one guy, who is sitting in the middle of the carnage, staring numbly at a television where the New Year’s celebrations are being broadcast. Jack is like um...Alex? What happened? Alex is like yeaaaaaaah, it turns out chasing after aliens for a living screws with your head so I had a nervous breakdown and killed them all. He says Torchwood Three is all Jack’s now and tells him to give the place a purpose “before it’s too late.” Jack babbles that it’s going to be okay. Alex says no, he looked inside the...locket? he’s clutching in his hand and saw what is coming. “They were mercy killings,” he mumbles, glancing at the nearest body on the floor. He only wishes he could do the same for Jack, but, you know...immortal. “Twenty- first century, Jack,” he concludes. “Everything’s going to change. And we’re not ready.” As the fireworks start going off on the TV screen, he blows his brains out. Jack lunges to try to stop him and gets splattered. Present. Jack gasps awake with Gwen and Rhys hovering over him. Chrissy: Wait, I’ve had this dream before... Rhys leaps backward and yelps that he checked his pulse and he was DEAD. Oh, right. The one thing we haven’t told Rhys yet. Gwen is like all right, thanks, now hush, and asks Jack what happened and where the rest of the team is. Jack just asks what the hell Rhys is doing here. Gwen sort of non answers she was late and he gave her a ride. Because she suddenly can’t drive herself? Did she give up her driver’s license when she married? They start digging him out of the rubble. As they are searching for Tosh, we zoom in on her, trapped beneath some rubble, panting and squeaking in distress. She apparently hears them calling her, takes a deep breath and screams. And we flash back to five years earlier. Tosh is sitting at a desk in an office building, looking all mousy with her sweater and glasses. A guy in a suit goes to leave and chastises her for working too hard. She says she’ll leave in another hour. He gives her a sad smile and says he wishes the rest of the employees were like her instead of running off like teenagers after the last bell at 5:30. She tells him to have a good evening. “I doubt it,” he says. So basically, his home life sucks and she probably doesn’t have one and he thinks the productivity that results from being reluctant to go home at night is a good thing. Apparently, though, she’s only staying behind because she’s waiting for him to leave. The second he’s out of sight, she fishes a key from her desk and breaks into his office. She pulls up a long alphanumeric string on his computer and memorizes it, looking over her shoulder periodically at a CCTV feed of a hallway with a security guard doing a slow patrol. She checks her watch, locks the door behind her and runs across the building and down the stairs. She reaches the hallway on the feed and times it so she is out of range of the moving camera as she enters the code into a pinpad beside a door, slipping inside just as the camera moves back in her direction. Chrissy: Dude, she’s Asian Sydney Bristow! Diandra: Yeah, or Neil Caffrey. It’s not really clear what side she’s on yet. It turns out the room is some sort of storage. She pulls a package labeled “for your eyes only” from a shelf, takes a folder out of it and puts it back. Then she waits by the door until the guard is out of the hall and the camera is facing the other way again and runs for it. She’s heading out the door like she’s going home for the night and the security guard at the front notes that she’s put in another late night. She says yeah, George, you know me. Always working. Haha. He jokes about whisking her away from this dull life and she says, as she has obviously said before, that he can do that as soon as he clears it with his wife and grandchildren. Did I mention he’s elderly? In fact...he kind of looks like a white George Takei. I’m totally calling him that now. Chrissy: Oh, my! Diandra: Feel free to read Chrissy’s response in Takei’s voice. Chrissy certainly tried to. Chrissy: I thought I did a pretty fair approximation, actually. Diandra: I’m sure you did. Think that. As she’s leaving, she walks past a sign identifying the building as a research facility connected to the department of defense. At home, she lays out what she stole. It looks like blueprints for some sort of missile. And then she hauls out a bunch of equipment and starts building it. Except it’s small. Like, flashlight size. In fact, it looks very much like a sonic screwdriver. Sometime later, she knocks on the door of a flat in a shady looking part of town and announces that she has “it”. A beefy guy shoves her inside, where a matronly looking woman is futzing with a piece of electronics. She says she wants to see her mother. The woman holds her hand out and Tosh gives her the device she built, which she declares a “perfect sonic modulator”. The beefy guy steps out and brings Tosh’s mom (who we know from last season’s finale is currently dead) back into the room, keeping hold of her in a threatening manner. Tosh says they have what they wanted and begs the woman to let mom go. The woman says oh, but now that they know what she’s capable of they want to really put her to work. They can let mom go if she agrees to stay. Otherwise, you know, they’ll hang on to her for leverage. As a demonstration of...I don’t know, how much of a Bond villain she is?...she and the guard put on earmuffs and she turns on the modulator. Tosh and mom both fall to the floor grabbing their ears. Some soldiers burst in and scream at her to turn the device off, but not before mom starts bleeding from parts of her face where there aren’t even any orifices. The soldiers cuff Tosh and drag her off before she can find out if mom is okay. Tosh is thrown into what looks like a solitary jail cell. A female voice on a speaker overhead identifies it as a UNIT facility and declares all her rights as a citizen officially revoked. Also, she will not be getting a lawyer or talking to ANYONE and they can keep her here forever. You know, usual Patriot Act stuff. Including the part where they can “discipline” her if she gets out of line. She doesn’t care; she just wants to know if her mother is okay. The lady on the speaker says nope, they can’t tell her that. Goodbye! We get a little montage to show the passing of time until Tosh has completely lost her will to live and is just laying in a ball in her dirty prison jumpsuit at the back of the cell. The voice tells her to prepare for inspection and she sluggishly stands. The door opens and Jack is standing in the hall in his standard WWII coat. He sits with her while she eats. He promises her mother is safe. In fact, she doesn’t even remember being held hostage because he wiped her memory. Not knowing about Retcon yet, she gasps that he did WHAT? “Who are you,” she asks. He says technically he’s nobody: he doesn’t exist. “Which for a man of my charisma is quite an achievement.” Chrissy: And by “charisma” I mean “ego”. He says UNIT is making an example of her; keeping her here for stealing “official secrets” without even charging her officially. Because, you know, ever since some terrorists flew planes into American buildings, the rules of law no longer apply. He holds up the sonic weapon and rhetorically asks if she made it. She says she was just following the plans. He says yeah, sure, but most people wouldn’t even be able to understand what a sonic modulator IS, much less attempt to build one. Also, the plans she was following were wrong. They had been “shelved” because they were full of mistakes. Somehow she knew how to adapt and correct them. In other words, she’s fucking brilliant. If she is willing to work for him, he can get her out. Chrissy: Okay, you were right. She’s Neil Caffrey. Diandra: Hmm...it’s kind of a tossup which one is prettier though. She asks what he does, exactly. He says he helps people. Sort of. “It’s kind of a work in progress.” One caveat: she must only have limited contact with her mother. Like sending postcards. Because, you know, top secret. Or something. And obviously we know she said yes, so we cut right from him warning her that it could be “a little dangerous” to Gwen and Rhys digging her out of the rubble while she continues to scream. Gwen stops and reaches for her hand. Tosh moans that they’re making it worse: the chunk of building on top of her is threatening to crush her completely. Her arm is possibly already broken. Rhys mutters that they need more “strength”. Gwen says Jack has gone for Owen and Ianto and promises she will be fine until he gets back. Or something. Rhys tells her to go help Jack and he’ll stay with Tosh. Gwen promises to come back for her, squeezes her hand and goes to leave. Rhys, apparently deciding to waste valuable time fretting over what ifs, stops her to say this could have been her if she hadn’t been late this morning. Um...yeah. Can we worry about that later, Captain Obvious? Gwen says as much, only nicer. And we cut to Ianto. All we can see of him is his head and one arm sticking from beneath the rubble. He screams a little as he tries to claw himself out and hears Jack calling him from somewhere nearby. 21 months earlier. Chrissy: The writers binge-watched episodes of “Lost” and got an idea for an origins episode. Diandra: Yes. That too. Jack is in the woods somewhere having a knock-down, drag-out fight with a weevil. The weevil pins him and bites his neck. And then Ianto runs up and starts beating the weevil with a club. The weevil attacks him and Jack manages to get the upper hand again, tackling it and subduing it with every chemical means he has on him. He thanks Ianto and adds “and you are...” “Jones, Ianto Jones,” Ianto says without a trace of irony. Chrissy: Works for me. Diandra: I’m sure the close-fitting jeans he’s wearing instead of his usual suit are working for you too. Chrissy: Hmm...yes. Jack does his standard introduction of himself as “Captain Jack Harkness”. Ianto dubs this situation with the Weevil a “lucky escape”. Jack insists he had it “under control”. Ianto is like riiiiiight and reaches for the bloodstain on Jack’s neck, noting that he’s hurt. Jack flinches back before Ianto can actually touch him for some reason and Ianto notices that the wound has disappeared already. Jack says he’s gotten worse from shaving. Chrissy: Of course, I spent a few decades there shaving with a straight razor, so... Ianto notes that their attacker looked like a Weevil. Jack tries to play dumb. A what? Never heard of those. Ianto gives him a ‘really?’ look and Jack throws the weevil over his shoulder and walks away. “By the way,” Ianto calls after him. “Love the coat.” Chrissy: I’d love to see you in it and NOTHING else. The next morning, Ianto is waiting outside the tourist office with a mug of coffee, which he presents to Jack when he emerges. And when I say mug, I mean it’s an actual coffee cup, not one of those paper waste-fillers you get from a coffee shop. Jack sniffs at it warily, takes a sip, has a mini orgasm and hands it back, saying simply “wow”. Ianto says he wants to work for Jack. Chrissy: Sorry, did I say for? I meant under. Or over depending on your preference. Jack says he doesn’t have any vacancies. Chrissy: He does, however, have a couple openings. Diandra: [groan] This again? Chrissy: What? Also, Jack already looked into Ianto’s background, obviously, because he recites his full name, birthday, general school aptitude (able, but not exceptional), his juvie criminal record (only one instance of shoplifting) and his employment history which was all temporary jobs until he was hired by Torchwood One in London. To give us a better timeframe, Jack adds that his girlfriend is named Lisa Hallet and Ianto corrects that she’s deceased. So this is after the destruction of Torchwood One in the Battle of Canary Wharf. So...where is he keeping half-terminator Lisa? His apartment? Ianto notes that Jack “checked [him] out”. Chrissy: Oh, and you didn’t? Jack says he thought given the fact that Ianto knew what a Weevil was, he would have to find him and “deal with” him. Chrissy: And then wipe his memory. Diandra: And repeat as many times as necessary. Ianto says okay, but Jack can see that he has all the right qualifications, right? Jack repeats that there isn’t a job for him. Also, they have the same name, but they’re not actually connected to Torchwood London. They had very different ideas about what their mission statement should be so Jack severed ties with them. Ianto notes that there were two of his people scavenging when the dust cleared though. Jack says that’s because they didn’t want the equipment falling into the wrong hands. Ianto begs him to give him a trial period of three months. Jack says no. Ianto says okay then, three weeks. Jack stares. Three days, he amends. He doesn’t even need to be paid. Jack still says no and tries to walk away, but Ianto persists, demanding to know what he’s supposed to do after he saw what happened at Canary Wharf. Chrissy: Okay, I know you’ve described this as a “clusterfuck” battle between species of alien, but how was Torchwood involved with this? Diandra: They were trying to tap an “energy” source and ended up opening a portal between parallel universes and armies of Cybermen and Daleks came through. Chrissy: I can see you checking Wikipedia over there. Diandra: It’s been a while. My memory isn’t that good. I do remember though that in the end the Doctor had to close the portal between universes and Rose got sucked in just before it closed. Chrissy: Uh-huh. Jack barks that Ianto isn’t his responsibility. He walks away. Ianto calls after him that he’ll see him at the same time tomorrow. Jack calls back that there is no job and there never will be. Heh. Night. We tap into the team’s coms as Jack orders Tosh to decode some hieroglyphics and Owen to do a cross-section of the paramedic’s brain. Oh, and Ilsa should check the reservoir for the other half of...something. Apparently he’s driving as he’s talking and he’s distracted when Ianto just jumps in front of the SUV. Jack gets out and rants that Ianto has to stop doing this because he doesn’t have time for it. He threatens to wipe Ianto’s memory if he keeps “stalking” him. He should forget they ever met and go back to London and, oh, if he doesn’t get out of the road right now Jack is just going to run him over. Ianto, who has been trying tentatively to interject into this rant, says “so you’re not going to help me catch this pterodactyl then?” Jack blinks at him like ‘what the what now?’ So we cut right to Ianto watching as Jack prepares a giant syringe. Ianto notes that this is the best Jack can do. Jack grumbles something about not having dinosaur treats in the back of his SUV. Ianto says Torchwood London would have. Jack glares at him and they run into a warehouse where Myfanwy is circling overhead, squawking. Chrissy: Since when does it have a name? Diandra: She. And apparently it was never used in the actual show. It was only ever mentioned in a behind- the-scenes thing and has been used in writing and fan works ever since. Chrissy: Get off of Wikipedia already. Diandra: What? I was curious. I’ve always seen that name in fanfic, but I had no idea how everybody knew what she was called. Myfanwy swoops toward them angrily and they dart back outside and slam the door shut. Jack asks how the hell Ianto managed to find her. Ianto says he has a rift activity locator. Jack says she’s obviously very “excitable”. Ianto says it’s probably Jack’s aftershave. Jack says he doesn’t wear aftershave. That smell he’s detecting is just 51st century pheromones. Chrissy: Does that mean he’s in heat? Diandra: Would that make him an Omega? Chrissy: A what? Diandra: Oh, honey, there is a whole subgenre of fanfiction I need to introduce you to. It’s mostly “Supernatural” and “Sherlock”, but there’s got to be some “Torchwood” in there somewhere. Even if Jack’s biology is already messed up enough to not need the added expository bullshit. Chrissy: This is a really weird mpreg thing, isn’t it? Diandra: Basically. Although it tends to focus more on mindless sex and gender politics. It’s kind of an extension of the sex pollen/Pon Far trope. Chrissy: So porn. Diandra: I said it was a subgenre of fanfiction, didn’t I? They brace themselves and go back in the warehouse, splitting up and running in either direction as Myfanwy goes to dive at them. She lands and Jack tries the gentle “calm the wild skittish animal” approach. He says he won’t hurt her, but she can’t stay here. If she comes with him he can find her a nice big place to fly around in. Ianto, beside him again, grumbles that great, he’ll let in an ancient lizard bird that might decide to eat him or something, but not HIM. Jack, not looking at him, says he could use a guard dog. Ianto hisses that he could do THAT. He could also be a receptionist, building maintenance, dry cleaning, WHATEVER. Jack says they don’t need a butler. Ianto notes that he has dried egg on the collar of his shirt. And by the way, does he actually have a plan here or is he just making shit up as he goes? Ianto, meet Jack. Jack says he’s going to act as decoy. Ianto asks if the dinosaur won’t just rip him apart. Jack says nah, he’s had dinosaurs for breakfast. “Had to. Only source of food protein after the asteroid crashed.” Ianto stares at him and he says “long story”. Possibly also not a true one unless it happened back when he was a time agent because I’m pretty sure he went right from the year 500,000 to the mid-1800s and hasn’t done any jumping around since. Chrissy: What? Jack making shit up to make himself sound more badass? I’m sure he’s NEVER done such a thing. Diandra: Point taken. He hands the syringe the Ianto and tells him to inject it in Myfanwy’s central nervous cortex (which...I didn’t do well in anatomy, but I’m pretty sure that’s not a thing) while he has her distracted. Ianto hands it back and says no, he’s a better decoy since she “knows” him. Also, he has a bar of chocolate in his pocket, which he happens to know she loves. Chrissy: It’s how we know she’s a “she”. Diandra: Stereotype much? Guys like chocolate too. Just like girls can like sports, sex and watching nerdy science fiction shows like this. Chrissy: And cars. Diandra: No, I suspect that one is tied to the Y chromosome. Along with a fascination with blowing things up. Ianto creeps closer to Myfanwy, holding up the bar of chocolate in offering. He tosses it close to her and she looks at it and back at him in the standard expression of “for me? Really?” that dogs often use before diving for it. Except she notices Jack creeping up behind her practically right away and drops the chocolate, flying at him and grabbing him by the arm with her talons. She flies Jack around the warehouse while he shrieks at Ianto. Ianto just stands there staring because what the hell is he supposed to do? Luckily, she flies back in his direction and drops Jack right at him after Jack stabs her leg with the syringe. Jack lands directly on top of Ianto and Jack rolls them to the side to avoid Myfanwy crashing to the floor, unconscious as the drug takes hold. Ianto is now on top of Jack... Chrissy: As is his natural inclination. ...and they laugh and then freeze, staring at each other with their mouths centimeters apart. Ianto says he should, um...go now and gets up, leaving Jack staring at the ceiling like he’s concentrating on redirecting the flow of blood back to his brain. He gets up and announces that Ianto can report to work on Monday morning. And by the way...nice suit. Ianto kind of cringes because I guess he’s still deeply closeted at this point and confused about why he enjoyed that just now and keeps walking away. Present. Jack and Gwen heave Ianto out from under a pile of rubble and he moans that he thinks his shoulder is dislocated. Jack positions himself next to him and asks if he can “take this”. Chrissy: Is now really the best time for that? No, apparently the British learned how to treat dislocated shoulders the same way Americans did: by watching “Lethal Weapon”. Jack instructs Ianto to take a deep breath and just wrenches his arm back into position. Ianto screams and then stills, supported by both Jack and Gwen. He asks where the others are. Jack says they need his help getting Toshiko out. Yeah, because the guy whose shoulder was just wrenched back into its socket in a way that absolutely no medical professional would advise attempting can totally start lifting heavy chunks of concrete right away. Ianto asks about Owen. Gwen says they haven’t found him yet. Ianto reminds the audience (because I would think Jack and Gwen would actually remember this) that if he’s hurt his body will not repair itself. Jack instructs Gwen to go look for Owen while he and Ianto help Rhys dig Tosh out. Because whatever. The writers obviously don’t care so why should we? Owen, it turns out is basically fine and not buried in very much rubble, but he has a broken window pane hovering above his prone body, threatening to guillotine him if it comes loose from its precarious moorings. We flip to four years earlier and Owen is lounging in bed, fully dressed with a woman we’ve never seen before, arguing about who they are and are not inviting to the wedding. Wait. These are still flashbacks, right? We’re not slipping into some backward, alternate universe? She says he can still back out now – it’s not too late. He says no, he’s marrying her even if it kills him. Chrissy: But more likely it will kill her. Diandra: That would be a pretty safe guess, I’m thinking. They kiss sweetly and she offers to make some tea. He says he can get that. She scoffs that she can manage THAT. He finds her in the kitchen minutes later with a cup in one hand and a tea bag in the other, staring blankly into space. He calls her name, which is apparently Katie, and reminds her that she needs water. She laughs like ‘oh, yeah, THAT’S what I was doing’ and turns to fill the cup from the tap. Owen says no, from the kettle. She looks at the plug-in kettle that’s already boiled and shoots him a sheepish look. Chrissy: Oh, awesome. You’re marrying the chick from “50 First Dates”. Diandra: Or the guy from “Memento”. Chrissy: Aren’t those the same thing? Diandra: Eh, maybe. She pours the water and goes to take a sip immediately and he reminds her to get milk. She snaps that she doesn’t WANT milk and she’s never liked milk in her... She trails off and he supplies the word she’s looking for: tea. She says yes, she takes her tea without... she snaps her fingers, frustrated and he says “milk”. Yikes. She cries and he goes to hug her. And then we’re somewhere else where somebody is telling Owen that they got the invitation and is he really going ahead with this? Owen, watching Katie having a cigarette outside the window, murmurs that he promised her a summer wedding. The guy he’s talking to says yeah, that was before “this”. Owen says it changes nothing. The guy says it changes EVERYTHING actually. We see brain scans above the desk in the room they are in as the other guy says they’ve gone over Katie’s test results more than he has any other patient in his whole career (which is probably a long time judging by the amount of grey in his beard hair) and as a doctor Owen KNOWS everything points to early Alzheimer’s. Owen says she would be the youngest case in medical history. The brain specialist says that doesn’t mean the diagnosis is wrong. Owen begs him to just run a few more tests. The specialist says it won’t make a difference. Owen starts grasping at straws: suggesting that this is such an unusual case that maybe he missed something and it’s actually something they haven’t seen before. Owen calls the specialist “Jim” so I am saved from having to call him the specialist any longer and says he doesn’t UNDERSTAND. One day, Katie is just fine and she remembers everything and the next it’s just GONE. Yes, that’s how most diseases that attack the brain work, Owen. He tears up and says he’s losing her and he doesn’t know what the point of being a doctor is if he can’t help his own fiancée. Jim sighs that he’ll see what he can do. We get a short little montage of Owen sitting up at night, staring at Katie while she sleeps and then her going through another MRI. Then they’re sitting in the hallway of the hospital and she says this disease is like “being lost in a place you know really well. You can’t get your bearings.” She apologizes for putting him through all of this. “Last night I dreamt that you left me.” He promises that he won’t leave her. And then they’re in Jim’s office and Owen is asking “how is that possible?” Jim says they’ve never seen anything like it, but her brain isn’t actually deteriorating. It’s a giant tumor making it act like it is. Owen says but the tumor wasn’t even THERE last week. Jim says they didn’t SEE it last week. The good news is that they can operate on this. Owen looks at Katie, who is staring at him, distraught, and asks if she understands. She cries that she can’t remember his name. So we go right to the surgery and Owen is pacing around the hallways outside like a caged tiger when there’s a weird thumping noise inside and the doors wobble. Jack appears behind Owen’s shoulder and apologizes. “I tried to tell them you should prepare for the worst.” Owen asks who the HELL he is and tries to stop him from going into the operating theater. They both go in to find Jim and two other doctors/nurses on the floor, possibly dead. Katie’s skull has been opened and something is sticking out of her brain. And it’s moving. Jack apologizes that he tried to stop “them”, but long story short: she’s dead and that thing in her head is an alien that incubates in the human brain. We get a quick shot of what looks like a squid attached to Katie’s exposed brain. Jack says when the alien is threatened it emits a gas that’s fatal to humans, but, you know, it clears the air pretty quickly which is why he and Owen aren’t dropping dead right now. Owen sobs that she CAN’T be dead and fishes for his phone, threatening to call the police. Jack says yeah, okay, he can tell them Torchwood is already dealing with it. That should save some time. Oh, and he needs to take Katie’s brain with him. Owen flails at him and Jack slaps a cloth that is probably covered in chloroform over his face. Owen wakes up in a hospital bed and asks the nurse who comes to check on him where Katie is. The nurse doesn’t know who he’s talking about. Owen says her name is Katie Russell, she’s a junior doctor and she WORKS HERE DAMNIT. Chrissy: Really? Russell? Diandra: I’m sure it’s a coincidence. Another nurse arrives and they both wrestle him back into the bed, ignoring his screaming protests. So Owen gives a report to an investigator that he was attacked by an American with an old military coat. The investigator says they have already checked the security footage and haven’t seen anybody who fits that description. Owen says Jim Garrett was poisoned by some sort of alien toxin and... The investigator interrupts that Jim was in a car accident, actually. Also, the bit about the American taking Katie’s brain because there was some alien creature humping it is just weird. Owen shrieks that he KNOWS what he saw and it isn’t just some sort of “delayed grief” psychosis or whatever the hell the investigator is putting in his notes. The investigator says Katie’s tumor was inoperable. She died. Period. Owen sobs and the investigator...or possibly hospital administrator, orders him to stay away from work for a few months. Owen reviews the security footage himself, which...who is letting him do that? He can’t find any sign of Jack. And we cut to a graveyard where he stands before Katie’s flower-covered grave. He cries a little and then notices Jack standing on the other side of the graveyard. He runs over and punches Jack in the face, following him to the ground and punching him a couple more times while shrieking that Jack COULD HAVE SAVED HER. He goes to strangle Jack, but is overcome with grief before he can realize the futility of the gesture. Which is good because otherwise Russell T. Davis would have had to explain why Owen didn’t figure out Jack was immortal until he shot him in the face last season. He cries on Jack’s chest and Jack comforts him warily, murmuring that no, he really couldn’t have done anything. Sometime later, they’re both walking through the graveyard and Owen is asking if Jack is really not a figment of his imagination. Or something. Is this what a mental breakdown feels like? Jack says Owen is fine. “It’s the rest of the world that’s delusional.” Chrissy: Because that’s not exactly what any crazy person would think. Diandra: Nope. Jack says his life doesn’t have to end just because Katie died, but he probably can’t just go back to work like nothing happened. He needs a new purpose. “I’m building something. I need a medic.” Owen scoffs that Jack wants HIM. Jack notes Owen kept insisting on more tests despite repeated diagnoses and tried very hard to hunt Jack down after the fact. Basically he admires his stubbornness and thinks he could use somebody that determined. “To fight aliens,” Owen says. Jack says yep. Owen sighs that he’s still not totally clear on what, exactly, happened to Katie or who Jack is, but he’s pretty sure there’s no such thing as aliens. So to prove he’s wrong, Jack apparently takes Owen directly into the Hub. Owen blinks at his surroundings and concludes that he’s not having a mental breakdown, he’s having a full mental collapse. Jack asks why he became a doctor. He says he thought if he could save just ONE life, it would make his own life worthwhile. But it turns out that in the medical field the number of people in need of saving is never ending. “And even if you do succeed, you can never save enough.” Jack suggests that maybe he can do that here. And we’re back in the present where Gwen finds Owen in his little Sword of Damocles scenario. Chrissy: That’s not QUITE the best analogy there. Diandra: Don’t care. He warns her to be careful and points at the broken window hovering overhead. She agrees and reaches for him “softly”. They both yelp as the window wobbles. She removes bricks from around him and orders him to look at her and grab her hands. He is too busy watching one of the panes of the window pry loose and shift down. But he manages to grab her hands and she yanks him out just as the pane falls and shatters in the spot where he used to be. The rest of the team meet them outside, half carrying a battered Tosh. Chrissy: Wait, so...we just rescued Owen and Tosh from a potentially fatal situation only to kill them in the next episode? Diandra: Um, yeah. Chrissy: Why? Diandra: Considering most viewers didn’t know they would be in the next episode at the time? My guess is that Russell T. Davis is a mean son of a bitch. Owen responds to Tosh’s state with alarm and she says she has a broken arm and bruised ribs. But considering she was an inch from being crushed by a girder it could have been a lot worse. Chrissy: Seriously, how did Owen escapes this completely unscathed? Tosh has injuries, Ianto’s shoulder was dislocated, Jack was DEAD, but Owen managed to fall in a spot where he was barely covered in debris and only had the THREAT of injury hanging over him. Diandra: My guess is killing him now would have resulted in remains that were TOO gruesome for the show. Be glad he didn’t hang around until season four when they stopped caring about being gross. Gwen asks who set up this ridiculous terrorist plot. More importantly, Rhys asks what the hell happened to the SUV. Jack gets a message on his...I’ve forgotten what it’s called already...time skipping wrist strap thingy. He pushes a button and John Hart appears in another Princess Leia-like video in front of them. “Ooo, déjà vu,” he purrs. “Or did I say that already?” Heh. Shut up. He greets the team, although he says there may not be as many of them as there was the last time he saw them. He knows JACK is there anyway. And he hopes he liked his little “gift”. Chrissy: Wow, I really need to brush up on my anniversary gifts. Let’s see, first anniversary is paper. Fifth is wood. Twenty-fifth is silver. Fiftieth is gold. Which one is multiple homicide? Diandra: The last one. John bemoans that Jack has all this TIME and he still can’t manage to find any time for HIM. Chrissy: You’re hardly ever around! The kids barely even know who you are anymore! Diandra: What kids? Chrissy: Well, I say “kids”, but it’s actually a cat and some fish. It used to be more fish, but the cat figured out how to reach into the fishtank. John says that reminds him: “say hi to the family”. HE pushes a button on HIS wrist strap to project an image of some guy we haven’t seen before. Jack moans that it CAN’T be. John notes that it’s been a LONG time since Jack has seen his brother, hasn’t it? For the idiots in the front row, Jack spells this out: the man John is showing them is Gray. John comes to his ultimate threat: he will kill everything and everyone Jack loves. There isn’t any sort of clause to this like “I will do this unless you do this”. He’s just randomly lashing out like your average Bond villain. Or the Joker. “Maybe now you’ll spend some time with me.” Chrissy: Um...not bloody likely, nutwad. And on that note...to be continued. Chrissy: Ugh. Let’s just get it over with. Diandra: Said the unhappy housewife. Chrissy: Don’t try to distract me with bad jokes. Diandra: Well, I didn’t think it was BAD.