"Torchwood: Children of Earth, episode 1" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Gareth David-Lloyd, Kai Owen, Peter Capaldi, Cush Jumbo “1965, Scotland,” a chyron announces on a black screen because we’re not even pretending this season is in any way connected to anything that happened last season. The writers only have five hours to tell this story and they are JUMPING RIGHT IN. A bus full of young children is driving along deserted country roads at night for some reason. It stops and the children pile out, all of them looking far too nervous for this to be the usual sort of field trip. A light appears in the sky and all but one kid walk toward it. Chrissy: [hums the theme melody of “The X-Files”] Diandra: Yeah, that won’t be the last time you can’t tell the difference between that show and this one. Chrissy: Are you kidding? It’s not even the first. We go to this season’s Spartan version of the blippy opening credits. It’s just a white screen with the words “Torchwood” and “Children of Earth, Day One” accompanied by a half a bar of something faintly reminiscent of the main theme. Cardiff, which we now apparently need a chyron to identify. Yes, yes, I know. We’re assuming some viewers have only just discovered this show and are joining having no idea what this show is about. We get a close up of Cardiff Castle tower, recognizable because all the architecture of that place was designed by a guy who was...let’s say “eccentric”. Chrissy: Because it’s a much nicer word than “crazy”. Diandra: Exactly. Gwen is getting money from an ATM when she notices a woman scolding her son for just stopping in the middle of the street and staring into space because she doesn’t have TIME for this shit. Gwen sort of smiles when the woman threatens to just LEAVE him here then because it’s hilarious as long as it’s not your kid. Then Gwen notices a man having a similar argument with his daughter, who also seems zombified. Lest we think this has something to do with that street in particular, we cut to some woman at home talking to her kids, totally oblivious to the fact that they’re both staring blankly. Probably because they happen to be staring at the TV. Chrissy: I think Ray Bradbury had nightmares that looked like this. Diandra: Rupert Murdoch probably had something similar to that, only for him they were wet dreams. And then we’re in another house and Peter Capaldi is coming down some stairs rambling about booking a car for 7:30, but he has no idea what time it’ll be so he’ll send a text. Now...back when this aired Peter Capaldi was a well known and respected actor in the UK, but he was probably the equivalent of a “hey, it’s that guy!” He wouldn’t even be known as Malcolm Tucker for another few months. Now, of course, he is known as the Twelfth Doctor (or thirteenth, depending on how you count), which makes going back and watching this potentially REALLY CONFUSING. And if you think I’m not going to bring this up again at least once per episode than welcome to what I can only assume is the first of my recaps you have ever read. Chrissy: Didn’t you say he was already on “Doctor Who” when David Tennant was the Doctor? Diandra: Yes, and Stephen Moffat managed to fanwank an explanation for that, but that doesn’t take THIS into account. Neither Peter nor a woman I assume is supposed to be his wife notice that their pre-teen daughters are also staring into space across the kitchen table. We see another woman with very dark hair, chastising a boy with very blond hair for standing in the entry with the front door open because “those cats will get in”. I wish I had that problem. I have to worry about squirrels and coyotes. Chrissy: Well, you also have rabbits and various feathered creatures. Those are at least cute. Rhys is in one of his trucks, stopped at a crosswalk where the crossing children have just frozen in place. The first mom finally realizes something is wrong and tries to get her kids’ attention. Stephen blinks, says goodbye to his mother and skips off. At the same moment (apparently) all the children everywhere suddenly continue whatever they were doing before as if nothing just happened. The first mom shrugs as her two kids continue whatever argument they were having and goes back to whatever she was doing. Gwen enters the Hub through the tourist office/cog door entrance. Everything is dark. She announces her presence loudly and turns on the lights, expressing the hope that “you two” aren’t up to some sort of “shenanigans”. Chrissy: Well, NOT ANYMORE. She goes to her computer, says hello to a very worn picture of Owen and Tosh and runs a search on “children”. Chrissy: And now she’s on the Welsh equivalent of an FBI watchlist. Hospital. A doctor is in the middle of a failed attempt to revive a patient. He gives up, calls time of death and leaves the cleanup to the nurses. He finds Jack and Ianto in the hallway and apologizes that there was nothing they could do for the guy. Jack acts choked up about “poor Mr. Williams”. The doctor says they’ll do an autopsy, but he’s willing to bet the guy’s heart just gave out. How were they related again? Jack strokes Ianto’s shoulder and says they live next door. Ianto adds that “Mr. Williams” has no family, really, so they were keeping an eye on him. The doctor takes a moment to process the fact that they’re a couple and praises them for being such caring neighbors. Jack says yeah, um...by the way...can they see the body? The doctor takes them to some sort of holding area where “Mr. Williams” is laying under a sheet on a gurney. Jack asks if they could have a minute to pay their respects or whatever. The doctor tells them to find him when they’re done. Yeah, that’ll happen. The second he pulls the curtain, Jack and Ianto crouch over the body, Ianto opening some sort of case and babbling about the way the doctor was talking about them like they were a couple. Jack is like um...honey? We are. Ianto says um...sorry, he’s just still adjusting to that. He hands Jack a handheld laser, which Jack uses to cut a gaping wound in the body. The doctor, apparently having forgotten to tell them something, comes back just as Jack rips what looks like an organ out of the body with a set of tongs. He gapes, wide eyed, as Jack proceeds to ignore him completely and ask Ianto if this looks human. It might, if it wasn’t writhing and making a rattling noise. He says it didn’t kill the guy though. Ianto sort of explains to the doctor that whatever it is releases endorphins into the bloodstream so, actually, the man died happy. He holds out a Tupperware container, which Jack deposits the alien spawn organ into. Jack runs the laser backward over the wound, which somehow seals it, and brushes past the silently sputtering doctor, Ianto trailing behind. The doctor follows them to the parking lot, yelping that he should report them for that because, you know, rules and regulations. Jack invites him to go for it. The doctor asks what that thing even IS. Jack invites him to make sure he mentions it in the report. “You’re Torchwood,” the doctor finally says impotently as they climb into the SUV. “Never heard of ‘em,” Jack calls before slamming the door shut. The doctor yelps that there are bodies going missing. This gets Jack’s attention. He rolls his window down and asks how many bodies we’re talking about. The doctor says in the past two months, five bodies have disappeared somewhere en route to the morgue, all associated paperwork disappearing with them. One was Indian, one was African and three were Chinese. All male. Jack considers this and asks what the doctor’s name is. Rupesh Pathenjali. Oh, yeah, he’s Indian too. I probably forgot to mention that. “NHS,” Ianto growls. Jack says yeah, there’s probably too much red tape to get through, wishes him luck with that situation and they drive off before Rupesh can protest. Parliament. Oh, look, we’re actually in London now. Cush Jumbo, more recently known as Alicia’s partner Lucca on “The Good Wife” arrives at the same time as Peter Capaldi. Except she doesn’t really know where she’s supposed to be and flits down a couple hallways in search of someone while he heads right for a room where a few people are already gathered. One guy is in full military general uniform. A woman reminds him of a meeting Peter has later, hands him a folder and he disappears into an office with the general just as Cush arrives, babbling apologies for being late. The woman just says good morning and goes to shake her hand, introducing herself as Bridget Spears. Cush introduces herself as Lois Habiba. In the office, the future face of the Doctor begs the general to tell him it’s “something small” like a meteorite or a shadow on the moon. The general says well, it MIGHT be nothing, but he has to warn the government just in case. “It’s the children.” Before we can explain any further, we go back to the Hub where Jack and Ianto are returning. Jack starts to ask Gwen to check up on anything hinkey going on in the morgue of the hospital they just left. Gwen points out that there are plenty of computers around and his fingers aren’t broken, so, you know, he can do that himself because she’s busy. Chrissy: Ooo, I think I might like this new and improved Gwen. Diandra: Yep. She says there are reports of dozens of accidents across the country this morning. All of them happened at exactly the same time and all of them involved children just standing in the middle of the street. The general, having apparently just told the Future Doctor (can we have a name for him please?!) the same thing, adds that the accidents are only part of it because every child everywhere seems to have stopped at exactly the same time. And not only in Britain. Ianto announces that he’s finding similar reports from France. The time is different, but only because France is in a different time zone. The search he was running completes and starts listing more countries reporting the same phenomenon. Basically, it’s every country in Europe. The general is adding reports from India, Egypt and Guyana. Ianto adds Japan. And Singapore, the general finishes. Nobody was awake in the US yet, but they’re getting a few reports of it happening there too. “As far as we can tell, at 8:40 [Greenwich time] this morning, every single child in the world stopped.” Chrissy: We’re currently trying to rule out the possibility that it’s just a glitch in the Matrix. He says without further information they’re not sure if it’s extraterrestrial, but, you know, let’s go out on a limb and assume it could be. He says they’ve put UNIT on Yellow Alert. Chrissy: Yellow totally meaning “we’re in danger of peeing our pants if anything else happens”. Diandra: What’s Orange Alert then? Chrissy: You really don’t want to know. Lois comes in with some tea and Future Doctor pretends they were just catching up on office gossip about a colonel who recently transferred to Vancouver. The general is like yeah, I hear it’s lovely this time of year. Hardly any snow. Lois finishes with the tea and kind of hovers until Future Doctor looks at her like ‘what do you WANT?’ She introduces herself and says she’s helping out Ms. Spears while they transition to the new computer system. Future Doctor looks back and forth between her and the general and is all yeah, um...thanks. Run along now. Outside, Lois asks Brittany what that uniform that guy was wearing is because it doesn’t look like British Army. Chrissy: Bridget. Diandra: What? Chrissy: Ms. Spears first name is Bridget, not Brittany. And while I can understand how you came to make that mistake, I feel I should be ashamed of you right now. The general says Malcolm Tucker (fuck it, I’m just going to keep doing this until somebody says his name) has two daughters, right? Malcolm asks if he should call them home from school. General says no, they shouldn’t draw any attention because for now this seems to be random enough to have gone mostly unnoticed. They can suppress any news reports. So far they’re the only ones capable of piecing this all together. “Well,” he quickly adds. “Us and Torchwood.” Malcolm offers to talk to them because, while they’re a pain in the ass they MIGHT be useful. The general says they’re working on that already. Hub. Jack gets off the phone and grumbles about Martha picking now of ALL TIMES to go on vacation. Chrissy and Diandra simultaneously: Oh, THANK GOD! Gwen chastises him because “she’s on her honeymoon”. Jack says UNIT in Washington has run some tests on a couple kids and found nothing unusual. Ianto sticks his head in the office to announce “you were right: he’s back.” Jack jumps up like ‘I KNEW IT’ and follows him out to the main floor. Gwen trails after like ‘what? who? Nobody told me the Doctor would be in this season...’ Chrissy: Well, apparently he is. Diandra: Yeah. But nobody recognizes him yet. It’s really weird. Ianto has the security feed from outside up on a computer screen. Rupesh is pacing nervously near the sculpture garden/waterfall. Ianto says he’s been there for twenty minutes. They discuss this for a few seconds, finishing each other’s sentences until Gwen groans about their married couple speak and asks who the hell this is now. Ianto fills her in on the alien hitchhiker and missing bodies from the morgue. “We need a doctor,” Jack explains. If you could call that an explanation. Gwen says so they just let this random doctor follow them home? Chrissy: Well, it worked with you when we needed a police officer, didn’t it? Ianto says he didn’t follow them. He probably just asked where he could find Torchwood. Most people these days point to Cardiff Bay if you do that. Because they are the worst kept secret in the country. Chrissy: Eh. Maybe the second worst. Diandra: What’s the first? Chrissy: That nobody can stand Camilla. Diandra: That’s not actually a secret. Gwen suddenly remembers what Chrissy just pointed out: this is exactly what they did to her. She says she’s appointing herself recruitment officer and runs to greet Rupesh. Ianto notes that Gwen is referring to him and Jack as a couple now. Chrissy: Oh, I doubt it’s just now. Jack suddenly decides he hates the world “couple” and stomps off. “Me too,” Ianto calls after him sadly. Chrissy: Um...what happened since last episode? Are they having a fight? Diandra: If they are they can’t seem to decide which side of it they’re on. Ianto was the one having issues with calling them a couple earlier. Chrissy: You know, I accept that a certain degree of inconsistency is inevitable on tv shows, but it usually isn’t within the same episode. Up in front of Millenium Stadium, Gwen introduces herself to Rupesh and says she’s Torchwood. We cut right to them sitting at an outdoor table near the waterfall (or, as John Barrowman refers to it: The Shaft. Because of course he does.) She is going over his “case” of missing bodies. She notes that three were Chinese and asks if they were related. He says nope. Also, one was twenty seven and two were in their fifties, so age doesn’t seem to be a thing. She agrees that this is all statistically “odd” for a city the size of Cardiff. Rupesh thinks his definition of “odd” may have been recalibrated a little after seeing that thing Jack pulled out of his patient. She asks if it freaked him out. He says yeah, a bit. She says yeah, it freaked her out too. “Apparently anyone could have one.” Chrissy: Oh, yeah. That helps. Diandra: Welcome to Torchwood! Chrissy: Stick around and maybe you’ll get to see the Shaft up close and personal! Diandra: Yeah, that only works if Jack is the one saying it. Rupesh is like yeah, hahahaha...dear God, this city is WEIRD. She chit chats with him a little bit. Other than the weird alien bullshit, is he liking the place? How about his job? Because, you know, Torchwood pays really well. He asks what that job is like – what they actually do. She plays coy, asking what he’s heard. Does he think it’s exciting and glamorous? He says no, it’s just...”the thing is, we’ve all seen it now. The past few years. Alien life. Even though half the world’s still denying it.” He points out that what strikes him most is the fact that the suicide rates have doubled in the past few years. His first case was a suicide. The woman – a Christian – blamed the alien contacts in some letters because “science has won”. And when she realized just how small and insignificant her own personal place in the universe was, she killed herself. Oh, for fuck’s sake. Gwen sighs and says yeah, she went through a period where she found it terrifying, but then she realized that it is also amazing the way everything you think you know just becomes so much bigger. Chrissy: Yeah, I would think it would be LESS depressing to know that we aren’t the only beings in the entire universe. Diandra: You’d think. But this is why I distrust organized religion. More often than not, it encourages people to become so rigid in their understanding of the world that the slightest thing (like knowing that there is life somewhere else in the universe) can send them into fits of rage or depression. Chrissy: Or, as he pointed out, they can just deny it. Which is why there are still flat Earthers and Creationist museums. Diandra: And morons who go to the science museum and tell their homeschooled kids that dinosaurs weren’t real and these big things were really just dragons. Before we can dwell on this point any longer, Gwen notices a little girl on the other side of the “park” has frozen again. Her mother is tugging at her arm desperately. Gwen mutters “shit” and runs, calling Jack on the way over to tell him that it’s happening again. Rupesh follows her. When she reaches the child, the mother insists that she’s just “playing a game” and everything is FINE. Chrissy: Yeah, humans are VERY good at denial. We get a bunch of shots of kids in various school playgrounds and standing by the road waiting to cross again, all frozen. Then they all start screaming, long enough that it forms one continuous, high pitch frequency. Jack and Ianto join Gwen and Jack asks what the hell is going on. Rupesh goes to reassure another mother nearby. Ianto pulls out a camera and starts taking a video. Chrissy: Which is probably the most normal reaction anyone would have. Diandra: Sadly? Yes. The kids stop screaming and start chanting. “We...we...we...we are...we are...we are coming. We are coming. We are coming.” Chrissy: We must sacrifice all to He Who Walks Behind the Rows! Diandra: ............... Chrissy: We really need to work on your knowledge of Stephen King. Ianto makes ‘holy shit’ faces and Gwen helpfully yelps “oh my god!” He Who Will Become Doctor gets off the phone and sticks his head out to order Bridget to find him a child NOW. At a mental hospital or something, a nurse drags a couple other staff people outside to see a patient – a full grown man – who is also chanting “we are coming”. Gwen leans over the original girl’s fretting mother and asks “who are you? Who’s coming?” All the kids go silent and then suddenly snap back to normal, continuing with whatever they were doing before like nothing happened. One boy nearby asks why Ianto is filming them. Are they going to be on television or something? Chrissy: Okay, I’m not sure if I should find it good that he’s questioning why some random guy is pointing a camera at him or bad that he’s not concerned about it. The one adult in the mix falls to his knees as the chanting stops. The nurse drops beside him and asks if he’s okay. “They’ve found me,” he whimpers. The team are running toward the Hub. Jack tells Gwen he’s going to contact the “home office” and suddenly pulls up short when he realizes Rupesh is with them. He asks what the hell he thinks HE’S doing. Rupesh says um...I don’t know. Helping? Gwen points out that his beeper is going off. Jack says he’s probably needed in A&E right now and runs away into the tourist office. Gwen promises to get back to Rupesh later and follows Jack. London. Bridget and Lois are frantically answering calls from what sounds like the press. No comment. No comment. Doctor who? Chrissy: Oh, I just figured out why the show is called that. Diandra: Yep. Welcome. He Who Will Be Doctor comes in and tells Bridget to stop taking calls. Bridget gives Lois her account information so she can set up and auto-reply. Then a man comes in and demands to see “Mr. Frobisher”. Oh, thank CHRIST, we finally have a name. Bridget gets an ominous look and sticks her head in to “Frobisher’s” office to tell him “Mr. Decker” is here. Frobisher barely looks up as Decker comes in and sits across from him. “Four Five Six,” he says simply. “I warned you.” Outside, Lois is taking a call from Jack, apologizing that she can’t put him through, but if he can leave a number... Jack says “tell him it’s Torchwood.” “Right, and how do you spell that,” asks the woman who is dangerously close to being fired on her first day. Jack marvels that she’s working for the Home Office and she’s never heard of Torchwood. Lois says um...I’m new? Chrissy: Like, to EVERYTHING. I’m still trying to figure out how to work the stapler. Jack grumbles that she picked a great day and repeats that she should just tell him Torchwood called and they can help. He asks her name (presumably again) and wishes her luck before hanging up. She shrugs and goes to type his name into some sort of missed calls memo program on her computer. The second she types “Torchwood” as the company, the computer beeps and a pop- up prompts her for a log in with the header “CLASSIFIED: Security Level Two”. She looks at the log in Bridget just gave her, looks at Bridget busily arguing with somebody, and gives it a shot. This pulls up a “Government Information Network” entry on Torchwood. Blah blah Queen Victoria blah paranormal and extraterrestrial blee currently just Torchwood 3 in Cardiff. She blinks at the words “extraterrestrial threat” while Frobisher and Decker file past and out of the building. Thames House. Decker exposits that it’s been a long time since he and Frobisher have been here. Everything is digital now, but he kept the original equipment anyway. He escorts Frobisher into a back room with some old analog computer equipment. He says it “woke up” this morning and plays a recording of a transmission it made “on the 456”. It sounds like your average swoopy space noises. Frobisher stares at him. Decker says yeah, well, it only lasted five seconds, but... Frobisher asks what it says. Decker says it’s a burst of compressed information and the translators can’t seem to make anything intelligible out of it so far. Chrissy: Although if you listen carefully, you can almost hear Hitler giving the opening ceremony speech at the Olympics... Diandra: God, “Contact” again. We need to broaden our reference pool. But whatever, the POINT is that the 456 is receiving again. Frobisher asks why they would “change”. Decker says it’s Frobisher’s job to find out. Frobisher says he’ll have to tell the PM. Decker snorts that the 456 was here long before HIM and will probably still be around long after all of them are gone. Frobisher – apparently apropos of nothing – asks if Decker has any kids. Decker says he never had time because he was too busy working. Which, you know, turns out to have been a good thing. Back at the Hub, Jack is theorizing that that was some sort of transmission or signal. Ianto piggybacks off this idea that it’s like those mosquito things that only kids can hear. What? There’s a mosquito alarm that drives kids crazy in the UK? Chrissy: I think he meant THIS signal works on kids the same way THAT one works on mosquitoes. Diandra: Oh. Yeah, that makes more sense. Chrissy: Wait, so for a second there you thought the English had come up with a device audible only to mosquitoes and children for some reason? Diandra: Well, probably dogs too. Chrissy: Is this because we’re working without subtitles? Because we should do that more often if it results in ridiculousness like that. Diandra: I think you just like it when I’m wrong. Chrissy: Eh. Only if it implies that you have a scenario going through your head that the British came up with a device that drives mosquitoes crazy only to discover that it also worked on children. That sounds like the worst James Bond plot ever. Jack adds it would have to be something that only works on prepubescents. Ianto says yeah, maybe testosterone and estrogen interfere somehow with... Gwen interrupts their little couples brainstorming to say they’re missing the bleeding obvious. She shows them a video taken of a child in Taiwan chanting “we are coming”. In English. She says there’s more from other countries. So why is every child in the world suddenly speaking English? Jack thinks maybe somebody viewing the Earth from outside would view English as the “dominant” language. Only if you’re looking at technology and number of countries that speak it. And French and Spanish would be tied in a close second. Which is why English and French are the two official languages of the UN. So presumably the fact that UNIT and the biggest militaries in the world are English speakers is the only reason they wouldn’t have gone with “nous arrivons!” But, as Ianto points out, if you’re going by sheer number of humans who speak one language, that would be Mandarin. Never mind that something like 90% of them live in one tiny part of the planet and many of them learn English or French in school because business. WHATEVER. Then Gwen finds the video of the one adult in the chorus of children’s voices. She says his name is Timothy White and he’s a psychiatric patient. Jack asks how she got that video. Gwen says the nurse who was filming sent it to the police. But since the police have been totally slammed with freaked out parents this one mental patient was back burnered. And then they say a few lines that are complete gibberish to me because, as Chrissy pointed out, my disc was broken so I’m using a file that has no subtitles. So when Gwen and Ianto walk away, leaving Jack to work at the computer I have no idea what any of them are doing. Rhys is standing outside a house with a realtor sign on it, Gwen’s voice in the phone pressed to his ear very shortly saying she knows she promised, but there’s been a change of plans. He says yeah, he figured she’d be busy after the “we are coming” thing. Gwen, who is in her car on speakerphone, asks what it’s like. He says the estate agent hasn’t shown yet, which probably means he has kids. So what does she think this is all about then? She says it’s top secret. He says that’s code for she doesn’t know, isn’t it? She says yep. Rhys starts guessing at the value of the house from the outside, noting that it looks like it has three bedrooms. Which, you know...means they could totally turn one into a nursery. Yes, Rhys. After the fight you had last time you talked about having kids because her job is so dangerous, now after EVERY CHILD ON EARTH has been used as a megaphone for an alien race is an EXCELLENT TIME to bring it up again. Chrissy: She doesn’t love him for his brains. Gwen tries to joke that they could always adopt a Filipino and have her clean the chimneys. Rhys says no, seriously though, he noticed a pattern here. The first time the kids went off was when they were headed for school. The second time was the time English kids apparently always get off for break. It’s like it was timed for the periods when the maximum number of children would be out in the open and visible to EVERYBODY. In England and Wales. Which implies that even if it’s worldwide it’s centering on Britain. Gwen says yeah, that...that kind of makes sense. She calls him brilliant, which...let’s not get carried away there. She realizes she’s just going over the bridge from Wales to England and tells Rhys as much, adding “goodbye forever”. He laughs and asks if she has the right currency with her. She says yes, and her injections are up to date. Chrissy: I need to start using this joke when I go to Wisconsin. Diandra: Or Iowa. Chrissy: No, injections don’t work for travelling to Iowa. You’d need body armor and a crucifix. Or am I thinking about Nebraska? Diandra: Nebraska doesn’t even border Minnesota. Chrissy: Yeah, well, it’s not worth even considering the Dakotas. Diandra: Yeah. I’m not even sure what you would need for that. A wood chipper? Chrissy: If you’re driving from Minnesota? Forget it. All those hours of driving through flat nothing to get anywhere will make you so crazy you’ll veer off the road into a tree. Diandra: Well. Clearly you’ve never made that drive if you think there would be trees. Jack and Ianto are sitting outside Millenium...whatever it is. Jack notes that it’s now lunch time and this place is usually crawling with kids. “We need a child.” Ianto gives him a look like “I am getting some really mixed signals from you today”. Jack clarifies that they need to test the frequency and see if they can trace it back to whoever is transmitting the signal. Ianto seems unsure of where they would actually find a child. Jack just pats his knee, says “see you later” and runs off. Ianto asks where he’s going. “Now who’s a couple,” Jack asks cryptically. Can we drop this already? It’s not really making a whole lot of sense. Frobisher is in...somebody’s office. Let’s assume based on the fact that he’s wearing a suit and Frobisher is nervously waiting for him to finish going over the file that he’s the Prime Minister. Also because he said earlier that he needed to talk to the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister leans back and says when he was young everybody was worried about “the bomb”. You know, as in Reds and the Iron Curtain and being so paranoid that the two biggest militaries in the world would just obliterate everyone on a whim that we trained all of our children in the art of using their desks as a shield. “It was all so bloody simple.” Now the threat is coming from the skies and unknown entities who attack for unknown reasons. Frobisher asks what his recommendation is. The PM says Frobisher is the expert here. Frobisher says well...since this is worldwide “it might be best if certain historical events were taken off the record.” The Prime Minister sort of snorts and asks what these people are called again. Frobisher says they never gave a name so they just call them the “456” because that was the frequency they used. The PM asks how they know the 456 will “keep quiet”. Frobisher says they don’t. They just have to hope they can “cover ourselves”. PM says he’s not having his name put on any of this. “You never told me. I was never a part of it. I never knew. Is that understood.” Presumably, he’s referring to whatever role he played in whatever happened in that first scene in the 60s and not right now. Frobisher says okay, so...he’s saying the job of wiping that history is totally his responsibility then? “Just don’t tell me about it,” the PM says. And then we’re back with that one mom who was worried about the cats getting in. Her doorbell rings and she opens the door to find Jack. “I thought so,” she sighs. Jack smiles awkwardly and says it’s good to see her too. How are things going? “Terrifying,” she says. Her son interrupts them by running to the door shouting “Uncle Jack!” He leaps into Jack’s arms and starts chattering about how everybody was “talking like an alien” while Jack carries him into the house, much to his mother’s annoyance. Meanwhile, Ianto goes to see the first mom with the two arguing kids. She asks what the special occasion is because he doesn’t come around unless there is one. Ianto asks how the kids are doing. The woman says they had a “bit of a scare” and she brought them home just in case, but she thinks it’s probably like that Pokemon vomiting sickness thing and they don’t need to be too worried. Chrissy: Yeah, because the last thing you want to do with every single child suddenly starts chanting “we are coming” is WORRY. Diandra: Eh. It’s probably just a prank. Ianto hands the girl, who is playing a video game, some money. The mom prompts her to say thank you to her uncle. “I did,” says the little liar without tearing her eyes from the screen. Mom just rolls her eyes and calls the boy, David. Ianto says he thought since he missed Mischa’s birthday, he thought he could take them to McDonald’s or something. This establishes two things: the girl’s name is Mischa and he is a terrible uncle. Chrissy: Hey, just because YOU don’t like McDonald’s. Mom notes that that would cost him just short of four pounds. He says fine and suggests another place but he mumbles it so I have no idea what it is. Mom says that would be better, yes. He says so...how’s this afternoon? Mom says nope. No way. How’s Saturday. He says he’ll be busy Saturday. Mom reminds him that he’s a civil servant (as far as she knows) and he therefore doesn’t work weekends. They’re not going out of her sight today after whatever that bullshit was. He says fine, it was just an idea. Forget he asked. She says what? He’s just going to leave now? Screw that. She has some of that spinach dip he likes and she – like every English person ever – has a kettle just waiting for somebody to drop by for tea. Back with Stephen’s mom – whose name is apparently Alice. She’s also making tea (naturally) and noting that the news is saying it will be perfectly safe to send the children back to school tomorrow. Keep calm. Carry on. Jack shrugs and says he doesn’t know anything more than she does. She scoffs. He says he doesn’t. Really. After an awkward beat he asks if she’s heard from Joe. She says he’s married, but he sends Stephen post cards every so often. You know, for birthdays and stuff. Typical estranged father stuff. Jack asks how she is for money. She says fine through a clenched jaw. The checks Jack sends are plenty. Jack reminds her that she’s the one who wanted him to stay away. Otherwise he’d totally be coming around a LOT more. Now that everyone has probably figured out who they are to each other from that conversation, this next line is little more than confirmation. “I just can’t stand it, dad. I look older than you do and it’s never going to stop.” Chrissy: Discussion question: how many other wayward kids do you suppose he has somewhere in the world? Diandra: Given that he’s been on Earth since the mid 1800s and has the sex drive of a hormonal teenager? Um...a few? Chrissy: Well, presumably SOME of his partners were male or possibly of a species too different to successfully interbreed with humans. Diandra: But also, remember that supposedly HE can get pregnant himself. Chrissy: Yeah, I was perfectly happy forgetting that little detail, but of course YOU would keep bringing it up. She says one day he’s going to be at her funeral and he will look EXACTLY THE SAME as he did at her mother’s. “No wonder she was so furious. You make us feel old.” Jack says well, um...actually, he found a grey hair recently, so... That draws a laugh from Alice who says oh, well, it must be the end of the world then. Jack glances back at Stephen playing outside the window and asks if she’s ever going to tell him. Alice says what? That his uncle is really his grandfather? Jack thinks he’s too young to notice he’s not ageing yet, but one day he’ll figure it out. Alice congratulates him on highlighting the other reason it’s a good idea for him to stay away. Jack sighs and says yeah, probably, but he could make the most of it now. Take him out shopping or to a park or something. Alice says he means today, doesn’t he? Jack says yeah, why not? He’s already here. Alice notes that he’s not exactly subtle, suddenly coming around wanting to hang out with the grandchild on a day when some strange alien phenomenon happens that only affects children. Also, he’s a jerk and he is NOT using her child as a guinea pig. So at the hospital Rupesh gets a page and runs to call back. It’s Jack, leaving Alice’s house, wondering if the hospital has a children’s ward. Oh, sure. Your daughter won’t let you experiment on your grandson so you call the new guy from his very important job to ask if you can borrow some random child. Back with Ianto, his sister – whose name I’m not sure is ever mentioned but it’s Rhiannon - wants to talk about the fact that one of the neighbors spotted him at a fancy French restaurant with another man. Ianto scoffs and says she has dinner with girlfriends all the time. She says yeah, not at fancy French places. By the way, the neighbor mentioned this guy is “gorgeous”. Like, you know, maybe he could be an actor...or an escort. Chrissy: Yes, Ianto would totally take a male prostitute to a fancy ass restaurant where he could totally be spotted. Diandra: I’m not sure which part of that you’re objecting to. Ianto says that’s his boss. Rhiannon says well, apparently it was pretty intimate and she told the neighbor that she was pretty sure Ianto was into girls, but... “Have you gone bender,” she blurts. Ianto looks back at his niece worriedly and sister scoffs that this won’t bother her because her best friend has two moms. Ianto just stares at her and she sighs and grumbles about how he doesn’t tell her ANYTHING these days. Well, maybe that’s because you’d blab it all over town. She says he’s been like this since dad died and she’s starting to think she did something wrong. He says no, um...you see...his job... Ah, yes. The one person who didn’t seem to have a life outside of work that was affected by work proves otherwise. Ianto cuts himself off and admits that Jack is very handsome though. Her face lights up like ‘OMG YOU’RE ACTUALLY BANGING THE HOT BOSS’ and he begs her to leave it. She says no, but really? REALLY?! Also, he’s a nice guy, right? I’m not going to have to threaten him with bodily harm for messing with my family? And how long has this been going on? Chrissy: And are you a top or a bottom? I mean, I can guess, but I don’t know the other guy, so... Ianto rambles – in coded terms – about how he’s not GAY really, because as far as he can tell it’s just this one guy and he’s not completely sure what their relationship is or if it can be CALLED a relationship so he’s not advertising it. She promises she won’t say anything. A man we can probably assume is her husband and the father of the little hellspawns comes in at that moment and greets Ianto with “hi, gayboy, heard you’re taking it up the ass!” Ianto stares at Rhiannon for a beat while she looks embarrassed and mutters “thank you” before turning to great the guy. The Classless Wonder gives him a bear hug, lifting him off the ground, and calls him a “smart bastard”. He asks if that shiny black car outside is his. Ianto says it’s the “company car”. An alarm starts blaring from somewhere as Classless says he might want to watch that fancy thing around this neighborhood. Ianto says nah, it’s fine because it’s REALLY secure. Classless says yeah, that’s why the alarm is going off right now. Ianto runs outside to the sound of tires squealing and the alarm getting quieter. Classless picks up some bricks and says they can get the guys when they take their victory lap back around because thieves tend to do that around here. Ianto says no, they should call the police. Classless says this is more fun. And the SUV comes down the street, the idiot behind the wheel HONKING THE HORN and the guy on the passenger side sticking his bare ass out of the window. Classless puts a dent in the hood with one of the bricks and his son, watching from an upstairs window, shouts like he just saw a great takedown in a wrestling match. Chrissy: Nice family. I can’t imagine why you don’t visit them more often. We mercifully leave this exploration of what white trash looks like on the other side of the Atlantic to check in with Gwen at the mental hospital. A nurse is telling her that Timothy White came to them a few months ago, but he’s basically been in and out of care for much of his life. Gwen says something about his name that I can’t make out because she isn’t enunciating. Nurse says if he has another name he hasn’t told anyone. He first appeared in Leeds 40 years ago as a homeless 11-year-old. Nobody ever reported him missing. All they know is he had a Scottish accent at the time that has since disappeared so he must have been quite a ways from home. Gwen sits with Timothy in some sort of visiting area that looks slightly more inviting than an interrogation room. She asks if he remembers what happened. The voice? We are coming? Does he know why he was saying that? Timothy doesn’t even look at her. “Do you know what I think it was,” she asks, making his ears perk up. She says she doesn’t want to scare him since he’s perfectly safe now, but she’s pretty sure aliens were using him as a low tech Bluetooth speaker. He appears to hiss at an imaginary creature on his shoulder. She assures him that she really does work with aliens as part of her job, so he can tell her and she will absolutely believe him. “Give me your hand,” he says. She holds it out like maybe he wants to shake on it. He grabs her hand and sniffs it before she can yank it back like HOLY SHIT YOU REALLY ARE CRAZY. He looks surprised and says she’s telling the truth. He can smell it. She really has met aliens. Gwen is like ooooookay, I guess we’re going with this then. Yes. He hisses at the imaginary entity again and says they’re not safe, actually, because “they” are watching. Gwen looks at the security camera in the corner, says she can do something about that, and pulls out a “pen”, pushing a button that turns off the camera feed. Timothy asks what that thing is. She says the “technical” term for it is “a gizmo”. He laughs and hisses at the thing on his shoulder again. Chrissy: It’s not on his shoulder. It’s a giant rabbit in the corner. Diandra: Cool. As long as it’s not telling him to murder everybody and make suits out of their skins. Chrissy: Well...as far as we know. Gwen says she thinks he has seen aliens too and asks what his real name is. When did he last say it? He says never. She prompts him to tell her. He shifts nervously and says he was a kid. Chrissy: It was a different time! People were naming their kids all sorts of embarrassing things like “Englebert” and “Benedict”. Diandra: Or George W. Bush. Chrissy: No, sweetie, he’s just embarrassing in general. He says “they” took them out in the middle of the night, in the dark. “They said we were going to a new home.” Chrissy: Where you can eat all the candy you want and you don’t have to brush your teeth before bedtime? Yeah. Oldest trick in the book. Gwen asks who “they” are. “Timothy” says the “staff”. They were driven for MILES and then it was just THERE in the sky. We get a flashback to the children on the bus at the beginning of the episode. Gwen asks what the aliens looked like. “Timothy” just says “light” and we go back to the children walking toward the bright light. He says it took his friends. But he ran. Oh, and there were people there. With guns. He does the hissing thing again, but this time it looks less like he’s talking to somebody and more like a random tic. Gwen reminds him that he’s safe now. He looks at her and says, crystal clear, that they’re coming back. “I’ve been smelling them for months. In the air. Long time coming.” Gwen pets his hand and promises to help him. She thinks if a bunch of kids went missing SOMEBODY must have recorded it somewhere and she can find it. But she repeats that she needs his real name. He sort of nudges her hand back awkwardly and slowly says “Clement...Clement McDonald.” Chrissy: Yep. See? Embarassing. Gwen tries to press further. Where in Scotland was he from? When did this happen. All he says is “The Holly Tree”. Then he inhales deeply and announces “you’re pregnant.” She’s like ‘no, really, is that a place or WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?’ He says she is because he can smell it. Chrissy: His mother was an omega and his father was part bloodhound. Diandra: Oh, so you have started reading Alpha/Omega fic. Chrissy: ...yeah. Diandra: Wouldn’t HE be the Alpha or the Omega if he can smell pheromones? Chrissy: Yeah, um...I just waded into that end of the AU pool. I’ll get back to you when I start making sense of it. The nurse interrupts, panting like she just ran a marathon, frantic that the camera just suddenly cut out. She sees Gwen and Clement just staring at each other awkwardly and asks if everything is okay. Gwen says yep, it’s fine. Nurse says okay, well, it’s time for his meds. Clement says “congratulations” quietly as Gwen gets up to leave. She stiffens and hurries out the door. As she’s leaving, she calls Ianto, who is suddenly back at the Hub. Um...I think I’ve discovered why they always needed more than three people on the team. How did he get back? Eugh. Whatever. She gives him the information she has so far for a search. Real name. Fake name. Scotland in the 60s. Ianto says yep, sure thing. By the way, I lost the car. Gwen says yeah, let me know if you find anything. Ianto says some kids just drove off with it. She says uh-huh, that’s nice. See ya soon! Chrissy: Poor Ianto is the ignored and underappreciated housewife again. Diandra: When was he ever NOT? At what looks like some sort of high tech military facility a guy announces that they have a “red flag on a Torchwood intercept”. He is looking at a copy of Ianto’s screen on his own monitor and reads “Clement MacDonald”. He orders a trace. A voice acknowledges “control” and says he’s running that trace now. Back at...wherever. Lois is watching Frobisher and Bridget talk in his office. We cut to them as Frobisher finishes that she’ll find the names under “456”. She asks what he wants her to do then. He hands her a folder which seems to hold a blank sheet of paper. She stares at it, nods at him gravely and goes to do...whatever. Lois watches her type at her computer, hesitate for a moment and hit “return”, looking distraught. She walks away and Lois frowns at the log in information, debating not at all whether she should use it again before logging in to Bridget’s email from her own computer. She pulls open the last sent email with the subject line “Blank Page”. Oh, good. I wasn’t imagining it. Chrissy: Um...should I be worried that it DIDN’T look blank to me then? Diandra: That depends...what do you see when you look at Rorschach blots? Chrissy: Bunnies mostly. Diandra: You’re fine. Chrissy: Being violently torn apart by wolves. Diandra: Okay, we need to have a talk later. The body of the email says “ORDER TO KILL” and “Colonel Michael Sanders, Ellen Hunt, Captain Andrew Staines, Captain Jack Harkness (active)”. Chrissy: Yeah, good luck with that. Jack pulls into the hospital parking lot in a sporty blue convertible which...where the HELL did that come from? Rupesh runs out to meet him. Jack opens with a promise to “zap” the kids memories so they won’t even remember this. Rupesh interrupts to say yeah, whatever, there’s been another death. They go inside, where Rupesh elaborates that it’s another Chinese man and he came in with a nosebleed that wouldn’t stop. He died at 16:25 of a “brain hemorrhage”. They go down to the morgue where the body of a pretty young Asian man is still laid out. Jack notes that the body hasn’t gone missing this time and says he needs a toxicology report done on THEIR equipment, not the NHSs. Because theirs is better. Jack bends over the body and starts noting things like blown pupils and a lack of bruising. He is interrupted when Rupesh suddenly shoots him in the back. Chrissy: And you’re already fired. Rupesh orders the guard to seal the area as Jack slumps to the ground dead. Military guys swoop in and put Jack on a gurney. The man in the military facility is now watching footage of “Timothy White” chanting along with the children and announces that Torchwood has found Clement after all these years. A woman marching through the hospital corridors with an armed escort replies that that cannot be a coincidence and orders him brought in. She enters the room where Jack is laid out and Rupesh complains that he spent MONTHS researching Torchwood and now they’re changing the plan? He was THIS CLOSE to infiltrating! She just gives him a look and asks who killed the Chinese guy. He says he did because it fit the story perfectly and tada: it worked. She tells him to get off his “high horse” then. She turns back to Jack and asks if there’s been any “sign yet”. Rupesh says no and asks if she thinks it’s really true. Jack gasps awake at just that moment and she pulls a gun and shoots him again. Yep. She notes that they’ll just have to “keep killing him until he’s ready.” Rupesh asks how he does that. The lady shrugs and says there’s a theory that it’s connected to the Torchwood hub somehow. Er...or the thing that uses it as a recharging station, sure. Rupesh asks what changed their orders. “The children,” she says cryptically and pulls out one of those laser things to cut Jack open. Military vehicles pull up outside the mental hospital. Inside, Clement sniffs like he can smell them coming. He gets twitchy and runs before the officers can enter the building. Boss bad lady orders Jack’s body sealed up again and put back the way they found him. Rupesh sidles over to her and says Jack is going to wonder where he went. He’s going to try to track him down. Rupesh is going to have to disappear. She says no, he’s not going to do that. Rupesh laughs and says yeah, but obviously he has to because...he trails off as he realizes just how expendable he is. He makes a run for it and gets almost to the end of the hallway before Boss Lady shoots him in the back. Her men drag his body back into the morgue and lay him next to Jack, clearing out just before Jack gasps awake again. Since Jack didn’t see Rupesh shoot him, he has no idea he was involved and frets over the body for a minute, assuming (actually rightly) that the same people that shot him killed Rupesh. He runs. Hub. Gwen arrives as Ianto announces that he has found a record of Holly Tree. It’s a hotel now, but before 1965 it was an orphanage and there was one Clement MacDonald among their residents. Gwen is ignoring him completely, headed straight for the medical lab downstairs. Ianto is in the middle of explaining how Clement and other children were “transferred” in November of 1965 when he realizes she isn’t listening and trails off. Boss Lady’s men trail Jack back to the Hub and watch as he enters through the tourist office. Boss Lady says they don’t know how far down the place is so “give it five”. Inside, Gwen puts her hand on a scanner...like an actual scanner because we’re saving the budget for other things...and puts a probe to her abdomen, frowning at a readout projecting on the wall. Jack arrives, announcing to Ianto that they need to do damage control at St. Helens because somebody shot Rupesh in the back. Ianto asks what happened. Jack says he has no idea – he was just left beside him like somebody was sending a message. Ianto asks if they killed him too. Jack confirms and Ianto hugs him. Aww. Jack goes along with it, but gets right back to business: somebody is probably being targeted, either him or Rupesh, and they should be careful. He goes to find Gwen and freezes at the entrance to the autopsy bay/medical lab when he sees the readout on the wall of a skeleton with a glowing red dot in the middle of its pelvis. She is just staring into space, so he runs down beside her and asks how far along it is. “Three weeks,” she says numbly. He says okay, well, this is a good thing, right? She looks terrified, but slowly says yeah...fuck...it is, isn’t it? “Ianto,” Jack calls. “We’re having a baby!” Chrissy: You told me you were being careful and that wouldn’t happen! Diandra: Oh, look who joined the dark side. Chrissy: Like I have a choice? As you keep pointing out, the mpreg is cannon on this show. Ahem. Jack asks if Gwen has told Rhys. She says no, she just found out herself right now. Jack says oh, he’s going to be THRILLED that JACK knew before he did. Ianto says congratulations. Oh, and is now a good time to mention I lost the car? I guess it is, since Jack’s outraged yelp is quickly dispelled by Gwen asking what’s going to happen with her job. Jack goes to reassure her that they’ll figure something out, placing his hand over hers on the scanner. An alarm goes off and the display changes to his readouts, which show a small explosive device “baby” in roughly the same spot. Chrissy: Congratulations? They all gape at it for a few seconds and then Jack shoves Gwen upstairs, ordering her and Ianto to get out RIGHT NOW. Ianto runs to a computer to calculate blast radius. Gwen rambles that they can fix this somehow. They can get it out of him! Ianto somehow figures out that the bomb is going off in two minutes. Don’t ask. Chrissy: Yeah, that’s a pretty good rule of thumb with this show in general. Gwen yelps that they can’t just leave him. Jack reminds her that she’s pregnant like she didn’t just tell him that. All the children start chanting “we are coming” again. We check in with each of them: Frobisher’s daughters, Jack’s grandson, Ianto’s niece and nephew. All the adults fret. Ianto activates lockdown procedures once Gwen apparently follows Jack’s orders and leaves. Jack says he’s locking himself inside and yanks him bodily from the computer. Ianto protests that he can override the mechanism because if they let it go off there won’t be anything left of Jack. Jack promises he can survive anything, kisses Ianto and shoves him onto the invisible lift platform. “I’ll come back. I always do.” Chrissy: And I will find you. No matter where you go. No matter what you... Diandra: Okay, shut up. Alice begs Stephen to stop. Frobisher begs his daughters to stop to the point of falling to his knees crying. Gwen is running away from the tourist office when the bomb goes off, sending her flying. And then we end on Frobisher’s daughters chanting, only this time they add something. “We are coming...back.” To be continued. Chrissy: Gee, do you think they really killed Jack this time? I mean, that’s totally something they would do on the first episode of a new season with a character that anyone who watches “Doctor Who” would know is still alive on the Planet of the Cats in some distant future. Diandra: You can’t tell, readers, but Chrissy’s voice is absolutely dripping with sarcasm right now. Chrissy: Oh, I’m sure that was obvious, actually.