"Torchwood: Children of Earth, episode 3" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Gareth David-Lloyd, Kai Owen, Peter Capaldi, Cush Jumbo, Paul Copley, Susan Brown, Liz May Brice, Ian Gelder Previously on Torchwood...Jack was implanted with a bomb to blow up the hub, Gwen found out she had been pregnant for, like, two minutes and every child on Earth was used as a communication device for a species of alien that a guy who looks an awful lot like a future iteration of the Doctor seems to already be familiar with. Also, the writers have apparently given up entirely on avoiding parallels with “Contact”. Day three. Ianto breaks into an abandoned warehouse somewhere and announces that this will be the new headquarters of Torchwood. Gwen, Rhys and the now dressed Jack look unimpressed. News stations in England, France and the US are freaking out over the fact that the children said the aliens were coming “tomorrow” and it is now “tomorrow”, so...England is keeping an eye on Australia for some reason (or maybe just sending anybody that looks like an immigrant TO Australia), France is closing all their schools and the Americans are just quivering in fear as usual. Chrissy: Hoarding all the bottled water and guns they can get their hands on and thinking of a way to blame it on Obama. At New Torchwood, Rhys starts a fire in a trashcan. Because I guess that’s what you do when you’re facing a possible apocalypse. Rhys asks if anyone is going to realize they’re there. Ianto says the place has been abandoned since the 90s when it was a warehouse for Torchwood One, London. He’s sitting at one end of a couch. Jack is at the other end, pouting. Gwen asks what they’re supposed to do now. Jack says more importantly: does he really have to keep wearing these workout clothes because they look AWFUL on him. Gwen reminds him that they kind of have bigger shit to worry about right now than how frumpy he looks. He pats the couch between him and Ianto and she flops on it while he gives a stupid little pep talk about how they’ve survived worse than this and at least they are TOGETHER now. He adds that she probably shouldn’t be doing much fighting in her condition anyway. Rhys is like ‘wait...what? How does HE know already? He spent the last day dead and/or encased in concrete!’ Rhys realizes Jack knew before him and reacts exactly as Jack predicted he would. Gwen babbles that it all happened so quickly and Jack just happened to be there. Rhys sneers something about always being the last one to know anything and stomps off. Gwen hisses at Jack about keeping his damn mouth closed once in a while and follows Rhys. Chrissy: Yeah, as a general rule you should never count on Jack’s ability to keep his mouth – or his fly – shut. Yep, Ianto mutters, staring into space. The old team is back together. More fear mongering from the press. ‘We know nothing, but we will be spending every second until something happens theorizing and discussing what MIGHT be happening in real time and basically going BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!’ This is followed by a statement from the Prime Minister, who announces that all the schools in Britain are temporarily closed and they’ve instated a curfew for everyone under 18 until they figure out what the hell is going on. But they’re totally on that, so...keep calm. Carry on. No, really, he actually says this only he uses slightly different wording. The minute they know anything, they will be sure to inform the public. Chrissy: [SNORT!] Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to sound skeptical just there. At New Torchwood, Ianto calls somebody and says he can’t talk, but they should give the thumbs up signal. She’ll know what it means. Since this is followed by a black guy next door flashing a thumbs up at Rhiannon’s slob of a husband, this is presumably the way he’s found to tell her he’s safe. The husband goes inside where a whole troop of kids are running around creating havoc and tells Rhiannon that Ianto is alive. She demands more information: where is he? What is he doing? Her husband is like...um...it’s not like he sent a carrier pigeon with a detailed note. All I’ve got is one hand signal. Chrissy: And it’s not even the one I usually get from our neighbors! Diandra: He used an entirely different finger! Slob husband hands off a little girl to Rhiannon with a caveat that she’s lactose intolerant. Rhiannon says this is it, really, he can’t keep bringing home kids for her to take care of. He spews bullshit about this being a public service because all the schools are closed but the parents still have to work. Yeah, it’s called daycare. Rhiannon sneers that he’s just profiting off of horrible circumstances which is so AMERICAN of him. Chrissy: Oh, she did not. Diandra: But it is. Elsewhere, Alice is still trying to call Jack. She’s still not getting an answer because while Jack may have been resurrected now, his phone most certainly has not been. New Torchwood. Jack takes inventory of the team’s supplies. Guns, a penknife, a dead laptop, credit cards and a phone which they can’t use without being traced, stamps in case they’re willing to wait a couple days to contact anyone, fifteen pounds, contact lenses and something I didn’t quite catch. Chrissy: I think it looks kind of like a condom. Diandra: Of course you do. Ianto notes that even with the hub destroyed, they have access to some software on the server. Or they will once they get some more equipment and electricity. Rhys notes that that will be difficult to obtain now that they’re hiding out like criminals. Gwen perks up at the word “criminals” and decides hey, if they’re being treated like thieves, maybe they should act like thieves. Chrissy: Congratulations, you’ve discovered why the prison system is the best place to train people in criminal behavior. At a café somewhere, Ianto goes up to a table with a towel draped over his arm and the guy doesn’t even question why the waiter has a big ugly scar on his cheek before handing over his credit card. Ianto grabs it and runs off before the actual waiter can ask questions. On a park bench, Gwen chats with a stranger to distract him while Rhys lifts his bag. Another café. Jack pulls the same trick Ianto just did, but in this case he’s dressed in sweats so...seriously, does nobody look at the waiters in this country? Chrissy: According to Sherlock Holmes? No. Rhys and Ianto start a fight in the middle of the sidewalk and Gwen lifts a bag from a distracted bystander. Jack jumps in the car of some guy making a call from a payphone and drives off. Because I guess there are still some payphones in operation in the UK, even if they gleefully point out that none of the iconic red phone booths contain them. Alice goes outside and asks some random woman in the street if she can use her phone because hers isn’t working and she needs to call her sister. The woman hands it over and she steps away to call the Cardiff police. She says she’s trying to reach Jack Harkness and she realizes this isn’t their department but she thinks he might have been in that explosion. At the word “Harkness” there’s an obvious beep on the line as the government facility monitoring the team picks up the call. A robotic voice informs Alice that it needs her name and address. Not really though because Big Brother is tracing the call already. She says she just wants to know where Jack is. The voice repeats that it needs her address. She proves she isn’t an idiot by hanging up and giving the phone back. Except a nearby security camera has already attached her picture to the source of the call, so...Johnson hovers over the agent who pulls up her information and informs her that this is Alice Carter (nee Sangster) and the people listed on her birth certificate as her parents happen to have names that were used at the time for people in witness protection or undercover agents. But he’s looking into who she really is. Back at New Torchwood, Jack finishes setting up the power and several lights come on. Rhys points to the wall where he has strategically wiped away layers of grime so it reads “HUB 2”. Jack asks if he’s an official member of the team now then. Rhys is like haha not a chance. First chance I get I’m going home. Yeah, he hasn’t survived this long by being one of those idiots who jumps at the opportunity to do something dangerous because it’s SO EXCITING. Chrissy: Not that you’re thinking of anybody in particular. Diandra: No, just, like, ALL of the Doctor’s companions. Chrissy: As well as all of the Whovians who wish they could be companions. Diandra: Ugh. Must we call them that? I hate that name. It makes them sound like Dr. Seuss characters. Ianto returns, his arms loaded down with stuff. Jack asks where the hell he’s been because they were beginning to think he’d been arrested. Chrissy: I was getting ready to get myself arrested too so I could break you out or – barring that – lay claim on you before the other prisoners start getting ideas. Diandra: What the hell are you doing? Didn’t I tell you to quit it with the fanfic ideas? Chrissy: Maybe. I don’t know. That might have been one of the times I was ignoring you. Ianto says he was just picking up a few “creature comforts” and pulls coffee and toilet paper out of the bags. He tosses a couple more bags of clothing to Gwen and Rhys, saying he doesn’t know their sizes, but he thinks he has a pretty good eye. Um...yeah, didn’t we already establish that he can eyeball somebody’s clothing size when he bought the wedding dress for Gwen? Chrissy: Pfffft. That was, like, eleventy episodes ago. Who remembers what the hell the writers said? Diandra: Everyone but the writers, I’m thinking. He makes a big show of presenting Jack with an Army surplus jacket just like the one that got blown to shreds. Because authentic military wear from WWII is totally easy to find. Elsewhere, Clement lifts a woman’s wallet from her purse at a crosswalk. He goes back to the bar he was in last episode and uses the money inside to pay his bill, rambling to himself about how it’s all coming back now and that smell is getting closer and it’s just like last time and STOP IT! I’LL KILL YOU THIS TIME, I SWEAR! The bartender notes the picture in the wallet that doesn’t look like it’s of his family and disappears into the back to call the cops. He tries to run when he sees them, screaming that “they” will get him. The cops just handcuff him and haul him away. Hub 2. Jack hacks into a computer that used to feature a very busty anime woman for a desktop wallpaper. Surprisingly, he doesn’t keep that. Or at least add some green tint to her skin and an oiled up man. Ianto and Gwen are at their own computers and they all fall back into whatever routine they adopted once they no longer had Tosh to do this sort of work. Rhys brings Jack coffee. Chrissy: Oh, god, he’s going to have to be the new Ianto, isn’t he? Diandra: We’ve got at least one more episode before we have to worry about that. Must you do a countdown? Chrissy: I’m sorry. I’m just using this time to process the knowledge so it’s not so difficult when it happens. Diandra: Yeah. I tried the same thing when I binge watched "The Good Wife" and knew Will Gardner was going to die at the end of the season. It didn’t make it any easier. Chrissy: Oh, thanks for reminding me of THAT cheerful little plot twist. Gwen suggests they search for Clement and see if anything has changed. Well, that depends on how long ago that last scene was. Also, they should look into all those people Lois mentioned were on the hit list with Jack. Ianto lists the names for Jack and asks if any of them sound familiar. Nope. Gwen says they need to get into Whitehall. Then she says something about some software Ianto should download to their computers because the contact lenses in their supplies are those special video lenses Martha was using last season. In a coffee shop, Lois is waiting in line when the barista gets a call and, on instruction, hands the phone to her with great annoyance. It’s Gwen, who is standing outside with her mobile begging for five minutes. Chrissy: Why didn't she just call Lois directly? Does she not have a cell phone? Diandra: Maybe because they keep talking about the phones being traceable and calling Frobisher’s secretary would probably put up all sorts of red flags? Chrissy: But Gwen using her own phone and asking a stranger for her by name wouldn’t? She’s standing right outside. She could have used hand signals. Diandra: And that’s where the writers’ ability to apply logic ran out. So they’re sitting at a table and Lois is ranting that she can’t keep doing this because if anybody catches her she could be tried for TREASON. And in a post Patriot Act (or British equivalent) world, they wouldn’t even need a jury. She could just be thrown in solitary and forgotten about. Like Tosh was. Gwen says yes, but they need to know what it is they’re building at Thames House. Lois says yeah, that’s great, but seeing as it’s the most secure building in the country it’s not like she can sneak them in or anything. Gwen says funny she should suggest that because...she opens a laptop and shows Lois the feed coming from the contact camera she’s currently wearing, looking around the cafe to prove that she’s controlling it. Except there’s a second of mismatch in where Eve Myles’ eyes are sweeping versus the camera taking the video on the laptop, so... She adds that they have lip reading software, so as long as she looks at someone while they’re speaking it will translate. She directs Lois to push a button on the computer and say something. “Like what,” she asks and the computer parrots her in what sounds like an unholy blend of a monotone male voice and a woman whispering frantically in the background. Chrissy: And now say “I can hear it breathing! It’s right outside the door!” Diandra: “Il les à tué! Il les à tué tous!” Chrissy: You just had to go the “Lost” Rousseau tape route, didn’t you? Diandra: Hey, you got the reference, didn’t you? She shows Lois – and reminds the audience – that they also can receive typed messages. Lois types “Hello Gwen” and Gwen responds before popping the contacts out and puts them in their case. Chrissy: Whereupon the creepy voice shrieks “no! Not in the case! It’s dark and scary in there!” Lois says this is all great and everything, but what if they scan for bugs or something? Gwen says yeah, they certainly will, but these don’t register on scans. Lois says yeah, but...she just can’t, okay? Feeding them information in neutral territory is one thing, but going right into the lion’s den with secret spy equipment is Sydney Bristow territory and, despite the similarities in their skin tone, she is not Martha’s sister. Gwen says she’s the only hope they have. Lois babbles that even if she can get into Thames House, that floor is off limits (and she had to wait outside while her boss went in last time and they weren’t even done building yet). Gwen says she’ll have to find a way in then. Oh, well, why didn’t you just say so? I’ll just put on my magical invisible cloak and FUCK YOU LADY, I DON’T WANT TO DIE IN A CELL. Gwen begs her to at least think about it and presses the contact case into her hand before she can run out the door. Hub 2. Jack has Frobisher’s file up on his laptop, which includes a picture that takes up half the screen. He says this guy is the key to all of this, but he can’t figure out why because he’s just a civil servant. He’s a nobody. Chrissy: Though I feel like I know him from somewhere... Diandra: I mean, it’s possible he looks like that guy from Pompeii that the Doctor saved who invented the word “volcano”, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. I mean, it’s not like the Doctor is going to look exactly like him one day. Chrissy: ... Diandra: What? Chrissy: I’m just waiting for you to finish that belabored joke. Diandra: Oh, shut up. You want to write this thing? Anyway. He wonders how a civil servant comes to be the guy ordering executions. Ianto, apparently distracted, asks Jack what it felt like to be blown up. Sigh. You can just admit that you weren’t paying attention and ask him to repeat the question, you know. Jack says um...not good? Ianto says yeah, okay, but could he feel it or did it all happen too quickly? Jack confirms that he did, in fact, feel the bomb explode. “Shit,” Ianto mutters. Then he asks if maybe Jack thinks his luck will run out one day. Chrissy: Yes, and he will be surrounded by cats. Diandra; Cat people. Chrissy: Oh, yeah, because that makes it so much better. Jack regurgitates the Doctor’s explanation for his condition (or why he can barely stand to be around him or something): he’s a fixed point in time and space. So as far as he knows this is permanent and when the end of the universe comes around next time it will be just him, at least one version of the Doctor, that Viking chick from "Game of Thrones" and a restaurant full of morbid time travelers and suicidal cows. Chrissy: Are you trying to rack up nerd points in this recap or something? Ianto stares at him for a beat and concludes that that means one day Jack will watch him die of old age and just continue on exactly as he is now. Oh, ha ha, Russell. You’re a bastard. Jack admits that this is correct. Ianto’s like okay, well...then I guess we’ll have to make the most of it right now. Wanna go for a quickie? I am not actually kidding. He just followed up a discussion of his own inevitable mortality by saying, basically, ‘so, wanna go fuck each other’s brains out?’ Jack stares at him and points out that for all they know the world could be ending here. Ianto’s like yeah, and we’re both in possession of male hormones. What else is new? C’mon, I’ll let you top if you wear that coat and nothing else. Jack turns to Rhys, who has been puttering around in the background this whole time (hopefully not listening), and asks if he can go get them some disks for the computers. He can take the car and be back in, say, twenty minutes? “Thirty,” Ianto corrects. Chrissy: Well, somebody’s optimistic. Rhys, who is cooking, says he’ll do it later because the beans are almost done. Jack shrugs like ‘well, I tried.’ Ianto grumbles and goes back to working on his laptop. Chrissy: Yeah, and now I’m going to have to figure out how to take care of these blue balls in private because if you think I’m having sex with you after a dinner full of beans you have another thing coming. Like fucking a goddamn whoopee cushion. Ianto becomes instantly more productive, finding Clement’s arrest record from “two hours ago”. Gwen calls him just then to say she gave Lois the contacts but she might be too scared to actually use them. Ianto says okay, well, Clement just showed up at a police station, so can she take care of that? Gwen asks what the hell she’s supposed to do. Ianto says she was a policewoman, wasn’t she? Gwen says oh, was I? Oh, well, in that case I’ll just pop on in, flirt with arresting officer a bit and say ‘I know I’m a wanted criminal now, but I used to be one of you, so, you know, you scratch my back and I’ll plant some evidence at a crime scene! Anything else you need from Bizarro Sideways Universe?’ Ianto says um...a steak would be nice. I’m not making that up. She refrains from telling him where he can shove it. Chrissy: Not that he’ll be doing that anytime in the near future anyway. Jack asks what Clement’s story is anyway. Because we’re using the fact that he was sort of dead for that part of the story as an excuse to recap. Ianto says it’s just your garden variety, Fox Mulder type alien abduction story. Once he hits the words “Holly Tree Lodge”, “orphanage” and “1965” though, Jack gets a far away “oh shit” look in his eyes. His panic increases as Ianto explains that the orphanage shut down and the kids were transferred somewhere else but they can’t find any records after that so they don’t know when they got there... Jack jumps up and goes to Ianto’s computer, demanding he pull up photos of the other people who were killed along with him. Ianto shrugs and pulls up their files. Jack says no, he needs to see pictures of them forty years ago. And don’t ask any questions. Ianto pulls up three pictures of old farts and runs some sort of magic search that replaces them with an older picture of each. All of them are wearing military clothes. Jack stares at the screen like ‘oh fuuuuuuuuck.’ Ianto, apparently determined to ask the stupid questions now, asks if he knew them. Jack says yeah, but he never knew their names. Ianto asks who they were, but Jack just grabs his coat and runs off, Rhys calling after him that the beans are ready. Meanwhile, Johnson's agent has finished running that search on Alice. Johnson calls Frobisher to inform him that Jack Harkness has a daughter. "Since when," Frobisher snaps crankily. Chrissy: Since about two episodes ago when the writers decided Jack needed another backstory. Johnson says her mother put her in deep cover in 1977, in part to distance themselves from Jack. Although mom did work for Torchwood in the late sixties and early seventies which explains a lot. She was Italian. Chrissy: That might explain some things too. Diandra: What is that supposed to mean? Chrissy: Nothing. Please don't sic your relatives on me. She died of natural causes in 2006, which makes her one of the rare members of Torchwood to do so. Oh, and the daughter has a child, which could be "useful". Frobisher orders Johnson to bring her in. Johnson purrs that that's what she was hoping he'd say. Because she's a subtle antagonist. Frobisher stops at Bridget's desk on his way into the office and tells her to get everything she needs together because they're transferring to Thames House. Lois' head snaps up at that and she asks Bridget what she should do. Bridget says she can keep answering the phones like she is now. Lois says um...well...can't she come with them? She could help? Bridget chuckles like 'oh, isn't that cute? You want to help. No.' Lois decides to take a potentially crazy risk and argues that Frobisher actually asked her to go already. Bridget asks when the hell that happened. Lois vaguely says that he told her in a private conversation that he wanted her at his side. They stare at each other for a few seconds and then Bridget slaps a file down and glares at Frobisher as he cluelessly passes their desks. She sneers that Lois isn't the first. Wow, okay, so...gambling on him being the sort of boss who sleeps with his secretaries seems to have paid off. Lois looks relieved and says so...she can come then? "Apparently," Bridget snaps. Chrissy: Although I'm not sure how because Jesus, he's all thumbs. Diandra: Wouldn't that be a good thing in this particular instance? Police station. Andy gets a call from Gwen, which surprises him because he wasn't sure she was still, you know, breathing. She's like yeah, yeah, not dead, let's cut the small talk and get to the part where you help me. She needs him to release a prisoner in Camden. He's confused about what the hell she would be doing in Camden. She continues to be impatient and snippy with him for a couple beats before realizing she's not going to get anywhere at this rate and apologizing. She gives him directions to post bail under "Linda's" name and assures him that the guy was only arrested for minor charges, so she'll be able to cover it. Apparently she is making this call AS she is walking into the very station she needs to retrieve Clement from because she marches in and is guided right to his cell. He is so happy to see her that he crumples in her arms and cries on her shoulder. Alice's place. Stephen is watching the TV, which is tuned to a show he claims is "boring". "I want to see aliens!" Chrissy: Look, kid, I told you: you can't watch "Doctor Who" in this universe. It would break the space/time continuum. Diandra: At least you can't until Stephen Moffatt takes over. Then all bets are off. Alice says he should be careful what he wishes for and starts out the door with a basket of laundry. She stops when the neighbor's dog suddenly stops barking with a scared little whine. Because she isn't an idiot, she takes this as the warning it clearly is and runs to the front door to look for suspicious cars. She grabs her coat and calls to Stephen to come with her because they're "going out". He protests that the people on the TV said to stay inside. Chrissy: And you always have to obey the TV people! She reminds him of the "games" his grandmother used to play where they had to stay really quiet. Not being a complete idiot, he realizes that this means there is trouble, which grandma always warned them would happen. Alice grabs a knife and some sort of cutting board from the kitchen counter and runs him out the back door just as a swat team kicks open the front door. One of them chases Alice and Stephen and they duck behind a garden wall so she can slam him in the face with the cutting board (basically a big wood block) as he comes around. She grabs the gun from his belt. And now we have another ridiculous chase sequence ending in exactly the same way: with the armed protagonist cut off by Johnson and way more armed men than is strictly necessary. Alice waves the gun at Johnson and weakly orders her to get out of the way. Johnson invites her to go ahead and shoot. Maybe they'll find out if her father's immortality is genetic. Alice switches gears, offering to give herself up if they let Stephen go. Johnson says not a chance. Also, she points out that if they had really wanted her dead the ridiculous number of agents surrounding her could have shot her by now. She asks her nicely to put down the gun. Alice is like okay, but if you hurt my son in any way I will hunt you down and MURDER YOU. Johnson says yeah, yeah, fine. Now put the gun down. Alice does, slowly. Johnson orders her to drop the knife too and she does. Then, as is required in Villain Dialogue Writing 101, she notes that Alice is DEFINITELY her father's daughter. Alice turns to Stephen and everybody realizes that he is frozen in place and pointing toward the sky. Chrissy: They're heeeeeeerrrrreee! Diandra: Okay, that reference I got. We check in with all the various groups of kids to verify that they are all pointing in the same direction. As is Clement, but this time he is with Gwen who has at least some understanding of what's going on here. At Hub 2, Ianto gets an alert on his laptop and reports start pouring in of children everywhere pointing toward the sky or Europe if they are on other continents. Except Germany, which claims they are pointing to France. Chrissy: Never ask a German for directions. They determine that all the ones outside of the UK are pointing toward it. All the children in the UK are pointing at London. This is all intercut with the British newswoman announcing that the children are delivering another message, but this time they're not saying anything. They're just pointing to the center of London. Ianto somehow determines that, even more specifically, they are pointing at Thames House. He runs off, Rhys trailing him. They arrive on the roof of the warehouse just as the clouds in the distance part and something that looks like a column of fire shoots toward the ground. Frobisher and his entourage are just arriving at Thames House when all the alarms start going off. He orders Bridget and Lois to stay...somewhere and takes the elevator to the fifth floor by himself. He takes a moment to grab a chair and place it in the empty elevator before the doors close and runs toward the room with the tank. Decker is already there waiting. The whole building jolts and the bolt of fire comes through the ceiling above the tank. It hovers like that for several beats, looking like a non-exploding version of the beams that destroyed buildings in "Independence Day", and then goes out. Frobisher and Decker blink at the tank now filled with blue smoke. Some vague dark thing seems to be moving tentatively in the middle of it. "We are here," the children all chant once before unfreezing and going about their play as if nothing happened. "It's them," Clement confirms to Gwen. "They're back." Gwen herds him into the car Jack stole, saying they need to find out how he is connected to them. Frobisher starts tentatively walking toward the tank, hesitating when the alien inside makes a noise that is part dinosaur roar, part bird-like screeching and part growl of a giant predator. Lightly sprinkled with the howls of the damned. Chrissy: And then it slams Brent Spinner against the glass and makes him say "NO PEACE!" Actually, it just says "speak" in a deep, booming voice. Frobisher simperingly introduces himself as the permanent secretary of the home office of the UK. He belatedly adds "Earth" at the end of that. Yep, just in case you didn't realize: the United Kingdom is part of the planet Earth. At least for now. Until they call another vote. The alien starts banging around the enclosure, vomiting green sludge all over the glass. Frobisher asks if something is wrong. Chrissy: Nope. Sorry. Just had Chipotle for lunch. The alien growls vaguely. Frobisher says okay, um...so we have no name for your species. What should we call you? The alien says they've been calling them 456, right? That'll do. He vomits some more on the glass and goes quiet. Frobisher takes a couple tentative steps toward the tank and, in a voice that suggests he is one more outburst from shitting his pants in terror, squeakily asks what it is the 456 want. The alien just growls from the middle of the poison cloud somewhere. Frobisher takes another couple steps toward the tank and says no, really, as a spokesperson for the government, he needs an answer. What do they want? "Speak," the alien rumbles. "We would speak." Frobisher blinks and asks who they want to speak to, exactly. "The world." Chrissy: Because much as you might like to think so, Great Britain does not speak for the entire planet. And neither does America. Diandra: Although that doesn't stop both of them from trying. Frobisher's face twitches a bit and he asks 'um...why?' The alien just repeats "we would speak". Frobisher, getting braver now, tries to explain that that's not how things are done on this planet. See, first you have a diplomatic meeting with a government stooge and then after you kill him the military swoops in to bomb the shit out of you. No, wait... He says technically they are both "ambassadors" to their species and as elected representatives there is a certain protocol they have to follow which doesn't involve the public yet... The alien basically says 'ugh, FINE. Bring whoever I need to speak to first then.' Frobisher, now really pushing his luck, walks right up to the tank and says he just has one "condition". He reminds the alien that the 456 visited this country once years ago and suggests that it would be best for diplomatic relations "given the nature of that meeting" if everybody were to pretend it never happened. The alien gurgles a bit and then is like 'okay, FINE. Jesus. You Earthlings are so high maintenance. Now go and bring me the people I need to talk to before I start getting hungry.' The British reporter announces that the entire area around Thames House has been cordoned off. Also, everyone is still yapping about that column of fire thing. She shows footage of the UNIT general Frobisher was talking to at the beginning of this season arriving in the middle of the chaos and explains that he's actually a Colonel and his name is Oduya. He is followed by another big black guy in military uniform, who the reporter says is General Pierce, the American representative. And we cut right to a meeting of several military powers around a table at "10 Downing Street". Pierce apparently opens the meeting by announcing that the President of the US is completely furious right now and wanted to make sure the Prime Minister knew that. The Prime Minister blinks at him and everyone else around the table is like 'oooooookaaaaaaaayyyy'. Chrissy: What? He was too busy to come here himself, whip his dick out and show me who is really boss of the world? Pierce adds that that landing was obviously not spontaneous: the Prime Minister had obviously been prepared for it well in advance. And now he's acting in direct contradiction to the rules of the United Nations. Chrissy: Oh, like the Americans wouldn't have done the same thing? Diandra: Sadly? Probably. The PM says they were "acting under orders". Oduya pipes up to ask if they were threatened. The PM argues that the mere EXISTENCE of the 456 constitutes a threat. Pierce says whatever: they have an alien on British soil. Chrissy: Doesn't that happen any time the Doctor is around? Admit it: you're just mad they landed in England and not America. A woman who has been making impatient faces in the corner pipes up that Britain has never made any sort of claim. Chrissy: We can't help it if they like us better! Diandra: We didn't have an exclusivity agreement, remember? Oduya says more importantly, it's distressing that they have refused to involve UNIT in this process until now because they are specially TRAINED to deal with this sort of scenario. PM says yeah, he's sorry about that. But every leader of every country is welcome to go visit the alien now. Both Oduya and Pierce sneer that that's not realistic and he knows it. Pierce says the security screening alone would take days if not weeks. "Then I offer to withdraw," PM says. He will hand over the duties of dealing with the 456 to the "civil service". Pierce notes that it would still be the British dealing with them. PM says yes, but they aren't government so they'd be unofficial go-betweens. He suggests they keep Frobisher talking to them as they already know him. He reminds them that the 456 CHOSE this location, so it's not like they had any control over where they landed. He stresses that Frobisher is a good man. And he's also expendable. Oh, well...in that case. Pierce reluctantly agrees to these conditions as long as PM promises he will not personally go in that room. So the PM calls Frobisher to tell him the good news. Omitting, of course, the part where he basically doubles as a sacrificial lamb if the negotiations go badly. Frobisher stares into space numbly as he hangs up and mutters "shit". You have no idea, pal. Frobisher's house. Mrs. Frobisher is yakking on the phone with somebody about the girls acting as mouthpieces for the invading aliens and doesn't notice Jack sneaking into the house. He waits until she finishes talking and puts down the cell phone, then picks it up and slips out the door while she's distracted by the kids. British reporter announces that all the roads leading to the river/Thames House in the center of London have turned into parking lots and the government is begging people to stop driving in the areas they're cordoning off. Confirming this report is Gwen, stuck in the middle of one of the snarls of traffic and talking to somebody on the phone about how they should have stopped Jack from whatever stupid thing he's doing. Clement, in the passenger seat, has a minor panic attack as he has a flashback to that first "meeting" with the 456. He says he keeps remembering more details. He says it's not just the aliens that have come back: the man has too. Gwen asks what man he's referring to. Moment of coherency over, Clement just whimpers that he KNEW the man would come back for him. Gwen says okay, let's get some tea, shall we? Because tea always fixes everything. She somehow manages to drive around the gridlock, knocking a few things down on the way, and speeds off. Back at Thames House, lower level, Lois and Bridget are sitting off to the side watching the menfolk discuss strategy. Bridget says there's a creature in that room upstairs. It is toxic and capable of nobody knows what, exactly. She sneers something about Lois being really proud to "go trotting off to John Frobisher" right now, which...ugh. Can we save the petty bullshit for another time maybe? Frobisher breaks away from the pack at that moment as his phone rings and the caller ID displays his wife's name. He answers like 'yeah, I was just about to call, honey. Just tell the girls everything's fine and I'll be home late.' On the road somewhere, Jack is like 'oh, well, that's a shame because I was planning your favorite dinner. I guess I'll just tell them their daddy is too busy having people murdered.' Frobisher splutters and asks how the HELL Jack got his wife's phone. Jack ignores him and says this is about 1965, isn't it? "Is it them? Have they come back?" "Yes," Frobisher says after a long pause. Jack lists all the other names of people who were whacked at the same time as him and says it was all just to keep them from talking, wasn't it? Frobisher says he didn't have a choice. Jack says okay, well, how does this choice sound: you get me into Thames House so I can talk to the 456 or I tell EVERYBODY about 1965. Frobisher says yeah, I'll see your threat and raise you this one: we have your daughter and grandson in custody. They will be perfectly safe as long as you agree to remain silent. Jack points out that he JUST broke into Frobisher's house and he could totally go back and grab his wife and kids and continue this cycle of ridiculous threats. Frobisher is like yeah...no you won't. "Because you are a better man than me." Wow. He apologizes and hangs up. Night. Clement is sitting on the couch in Hub 2 eating a hot dog and beans. He points to Rhys and confirms that that guy is Gwen's husband. Yep. Despite all reason, he keeps coming back to her, so... He points to Ianto and asks who the "queer" is like that one offensive uncle that you have to put up with at family gatherings. Chrissy: Or, you know...Clint Eastwood. Diandra: Fuckin' pussies! Back in my day you never heard darkies, kikes, wetbacks and chinks complaining about racism! And bitches knew to keep their mouths shut! Chrissy: Wow. Um...yeah. Ianto snaps that it's not 1965 anymore and everything is really awkward and quiet. Thames House. A suit herds "support staff" up the stairs and wishes Frobisher luck. Frobisher, flanked by Lois and Bridget, gulps nervously and notes that this is a big historic moment. He starts up the stairs and Lois suddenly announces that she needs to use the ladies' room. She pops into the bathroom, checks to make sure nobody else is in the stalls, and puts on the contact lenses. The feed pops up immediately on a laptop at Hub 2 and Gwen chortles "good girl!" She types "thank you" and Lois blinks and says "oh, god, don't do too much of that!" Then she leans closer and asks if that's Gwen typing. Chrissy: Whereupon the creepy voice says 'no, we hid Gwen where you will never find her again! Mwahahahahaha!' Lois wishes them both good luck and Ianto reaches over to type a big yellow smiley. Gwen chastises him and possibly prevents him from actually hitting send because she hates goddamn smileys. As Lois puts the case away and prepares to go back outside, Rhys notes that it took HIM a while to get used to those things. Ianto is like wait...YOU'VE used the contacts before? Gwen gets a 'thanks for bringing THAT up, dumbbell' look and admits that she brought them home once for a bit of "fun". Ianto is like 'oh...um...yeah, I guess Jack and I have similarly misused work equipment, so I can't say anything here without sounding hypocritical. Carry on.' Lois gets in the elevator with Bridget and Frobisher and Rhys notes for the audience that any conversation they have now will be useless as Lois is looking at the backs of their heads. Yeah, well, anything she does to make sure they're looking at her when they're talking to each other would be suspicious, so shove it. Luckily, they aren't saying a whole lot yet. Frobisher is reassuring himself that this is an honor to be serving this role, right? Bridget says yeah, sure, but...the PM just ensured that he can't even enter the building as long as the alien is there so if anything goes wrong he can rightly claim to have had nothing to do with it. Frobisher asks if she's suggesting the PM is using him. Chrissy: Well, the last time I spoke to him he did slip once and call you "Patsy", but I'm sure it meant nothing. They arrive at the top floor and troop past all the support staff into the slaughterhouse...sorry...ambassador suite? Lois goggles at the tank and Gwen notes for the boys that there's something moving inside the smoke. Lois gets out a pad of paper and a pen and positions herself near the back of the room. "Get closer," Gwen types. Lois just shakes her head. Gwen calls Clement over to see if he recognizes anything. Clement creeps closer and sniffs and notes that he can't smell it from here. Well, no, because the lenses aren't equipped with smell-o- vision. Some guy adjusts a camera in the corner, which is apparently broadcasting to the room in 10 Downing Street where the PM and various military representatives are gathered. Frobisher steps up to face the tank and launches into a formal speech about opening diplomatic relations and passing along welcome from other countries. Except he only gets out the US and China before we cut back to the silent feed in Hub 2. Gwen groans and types in the contact feed, which unfortunately doesn't have autocorrect. "NEED HIS MOTH," Lois reads. Rhys is like 'what the hell does THAT mean?' Gwen tells him to shut it and corrects the last word to "mouth" like 'you didn't see that!' Luckily, Frobisher is still listing countries that have sent greetings so they haven't missed anything. Lois slinks along the side of the room until she can see the side of Frobisher's face. Ianto notes that it might be better than nothing, but the software isn't really good from that angle. Chrissy: Well, maybe we should have thought about that back when we were budgeting for equipment and just gotten pens with listening devices instead of contact lenses that only work when somebody is DIRECTLY FACING YOU. Diandra: Yeah. Not the greatest spies in the world, are they? Gwen types a smiley and Rhys is all 'hey, what? We can't do that, but you can?' Chrissy: Meanwhile, Lois is thinking "Oh my god, I'm going to die and the last thing I see will be a sad face. Why did I agree to work with these morons?" Frobisher finishes the world's longest preamble and asks if the alien representative understands and accepts their welcome. The alien makes a noise like he's sighing and, after a long pause where Frobisher keeps repeating the question, finally says yes, FINE. Frobisher continues rambling while Rhys notes that they can't hear the alien replying because as far as they know it doesn't even have a mouth that the software CAN read. Seriously, you guys have the shittiest technology in the world. Ugh. Gwen types that they can't hear the alien. Lois writes on her pad as subtly as possible. In shorthand, which luckily Ianto understands and can translate. Jesus, this is going to be like that episode of "Frasier" where everything had to be run through four people and a fight broke out because somebody got a translation wrong. WE WILL ENSLAVE YOU ALL. Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean "enslave" I meant "educate". You know, like, in the ways of our species? Oops. Chrissy: We are here to serve you! On a bed of greens and drizzled with aioli. Frobisher stops reading names of countries like 'can we just cut to the part where we assume that everybody welcomes you to Earth?' The alien shrieks and starts banging on the glass and vomiting everywhere again. Chrissy: Okay, FINE! We'll read "Goodnight Moon" one more time, but THAT'S IT. Lois writes something on the pad that Ianto translates as "what's it doing?" Rhys thinks that's what the alien said. Ianto rolls his eyes like 'really, do we have to do this comedy of errors every time?' Chrissy: Yes. Diandra: Thank you for the kumquat. I mean shut up. "God knows" Gwen types. Chrissy: No, she has no fucking clue either. "I'm sorry," Frobisher says politely. "I can't help being concerned. Is there a problem?" The alien parrots this entire question back at him, voice warbling like an autotuner trying to find the right pitch. Frobisher blinks and looks like he might literally lose his shit if this gets any weirder. He shakily asks if the alien wants him to continue. Chrissy: No, I want you to DIE! Diandra: No, the James Bond reference doesn't work in this context. Chrissy: Says you. The alien returns to it's former deep voice and says yes. Chrissy: Sure. Whatever. We've got all the time in the world. Diandra: Unlike YOU. Lois transcribes the yes and Ianto translates. Frobisher says okay then, they have a formal request... The alien growls. Chrissy: Ugh. Why do we keep coming back to this planet? These creatures are SO ANNOYING! Frobisher says they would like it if maybe the 456 would stop communicating through the human children. The alien, after a long pause, reluctantly agrees. Chrissy: Well, take away all our fun why don't you? In the room at 10 Downing Street, Pierce pushes a button on a comm and tells somebody to ask the alien why it came to Britain of all places. Because you can always trust an American to make it ALL ABOUT THEM. While somebody is passing along this message, Frobisher continues to ramble about how they've prepared a document of their culture and history in welcome. Chrissy: Yes, we received your broadcast. Heil, Hitler! Diandra: Okay, we really need to stop with the "Contact" callbacks now. Chrissy: I'll stop when they do. Somebody hands Frobisher the piece of paper with Pierce's question and there's a long pause while he debates just how screwed they're about to be. He reluctantly asks, stressing that it's not really HIM that is asking - he's just the messenger. "We came here," the alien says simply. Lois writes and Ianto repeats and Gwen wonders what happened to the rest of that sentence. Then the alien decides he's done fucking around. "You have no significance. You are middlemen." After the translation, Gwen notes that that is obviously a lie because they KNOW the 456 have been here before. Wait...what? Ianto concludes that it's actually FROBISHER that's lying and they're on the "same side". They're both hiding the fact that the 456 have been to Earth before for some reason. Okay, yes, but I'm not sure how the "you have no significance" thing led you to this conclusion. The alien says they have a request. They want a "gift". Frobisher is like 'yeah, sure! Anything! I mean, what's the worst thing that could possibly come from agreeing to do something for a species we just met who can mind control a good chunk of our population?' The alien says they want the children. "We will take your children." Everyone stares at everyone else like WELL THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA and Frobisher splutters that there must be something wrong with the translator because it sounded like he just said the 456 want the humans to just hand over their children. Jack pulls up outside Hub 2. Inside, Clement is ranting that this is EXACTLY what they did last time. They took all the children. The man took all the children! Gwen is half paying attention to him and misses the significance when a door opens and Clement inhales and whimpers that "he" has come back. Frobisher weakly asks what the alien means when he says "children". The alien is like 'did I stutter? The little humans.' Frobisher asks how many they're talking about here. "Ten percent," the alien says. Chrissy: Oh, so he went to the same school of villainry as the Master. Diandra: Yep. WE WILL DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN! Oh, wait, sorry...translator is malfunctioning again. WE WILL DECIMATE YOUR CHILDREN! There, that's better. Back at Hub 2, Jack has arrived and Gwen tries to calm Clement, who is shrieking that the MAN IS HERE AND HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HE DID THEN! Gwen frowns and asks Jack what the hell he's talking about. "Clement MacDonald," Jack says. "It was just another name. It was easier if you didn't know the names." We get a little flashback to that night in the first episode where the children were being bused into the middle of nowhere and welcomed by a bright light in the sky. But now we see Jack encouraging them to walk toward the light. Gwen tries to reassure Clement that he must be confused because Jack is one of the good guys. He fights the aliens. He would never sacrifice a child or twenty to save the rest of the human race. I mean, other than that one time a couple seasons ago where he did exactly that with the fairies. Jack is like um...yeah, I actually did hand Clements' classmates to the 456. Twelve of them. Gwen says okay...hold on a second...why? "As a gift," Jack says cryptically. Before we can elaborate on that at all, we go to the end credits.