"Torchwood: Children of Earth, episode 4" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Gareth David-Lloyd, Kai Owen, Peter Capaldi, Cush Jumbo, Paul Copley, Susan Brown, Liz May Brice, Ian Gelder Previously, Johnson and company took Jack's daughter and grandson into custody, Lois agreed to spy for Torchwood armed with the lamest possible gadgets and the 456 finally made good on their "we are coming" promise, only to demand that the Earthlings hand over 10% of their children. Oh, and Jack revealed that he personally handed over 12 children to the 456 back in 1965 except for Clement who somehow escaped. We go back to Scotland in 1965 again. Jack drives what looks like an old army jeep up to a military truck parked in the middle of nowhere. He is greeted by a woman who isn't often on this side of a camera and is therefore best known (now) as the wife of Benedict Cumberbatch: Sophie Hunter. She hands him a fob watch and explains that she was sent by a representative of the British government to deliver this chameleon arch to John Frobisher in 2009 so he will remember that he's really the Doctor and defeat the 456, but before she got a chance she was touched by a weeping angel and became trapped in 1965. So now Jack is going to have to bring it to him the long way around. "Oh, and if you happen to meet that agent who sent me, tell him Vanessa Moriarty told you where he could shove that umbrella." Chrissy: I don't know what's more alarming. The fact that you put that much effort into a joke that hinges on the assumption that the nepotism inherent in the casting of Sherlock will eventually extend to Benedict's wife or the fact that that whole crazy fanwank mostly made sense to me. Diandra: Thank you. Chrissy: Don't thank me yet. I'm still debating whether I should applaud or call the men with butterfly nets. Okay, so she actually just says that this was the location designated by the still-unnamed aliens via the 456 wavelength, but I like my version better. Oh, and the character's name really is Vanessa, but I'm not sure when they're ever going to mention it. Jack gets into a big ass military vehicle with her so they can talk...I would say more privately, but why? No, probably so she doesn't have to shout over the wind blowing that sixties hair kerchief in her face. She's in the middle of explaining that the aliens are saying the virus - a new strain of Indonesian flu - will mutate in four months and could kill up to 25 million people. She then vomits up trivia about the comparable Spanish Flu that killed 5% of the human population during the first world war. Jack grumbles that he remembers. He was there. He probably died of it. Vanessa brushes this off and says the 456 are offering to send a cure in exchange for twelve children. She compares it to an ancient religious sacrifice. Yeah. Except you don't have to get your hands dirty. Jack says just twelve? In exchange for saving millions? I'm trying to see the downside of this... what do they want the children for, exactly? Vanessa looks at him sideways and says the 456 CLAIM they will live forever. So, you have no fucking clue, basically. Chrissy: Well, technically they're not lying. They're just omitting the part where they will be tortured for all eternity. "Yeah...sure," Jack grumbles, then asks what they need him for. Um...weren't you working for Torchwood for, like, the entirety of the 20th century? How are you not already involved? Who is this woman anyway? Where is the Doctor while all this is going on? Chrissy: We really need to have a talk sometime about this question-asking impulse of yours. She says assuming they can find twelve children nobody will miss, they need somebody to deliver them on a silver platter. Jack concludes that they think the aliens might be hostile and the best way to ensure there aren't any bodies that need to be cleaned up is to send in a guy who doesn't stay dead. She says no, actually, they just need somebody who doesn't CARE if he lives or dies and there's a shortage of Martin Riggs types back here. Oh, oops. I'm not supposed to know who that is, am I? Can we wrap this up? I have to go find some idiot to knock me up so I can spend the next few years raising a twisted little psycho to hate anyone named "Holmes". Because apparently this is my destiny. And we're back to the present in Hub 2, where Jack is explaining to Gwen the whole "I exchanged twelve children for the lives of millions" plan. She stares at him like she's just barely keeping herself from exploding in a homicidal rage and says so...what? He just handed some kids over to hostile aliens and hoped for the best? Chrissy: Well, when you put it that way it sounds terrible. Flashback to the first scene of this whole season with the bus driving the orphan kids out into the middle of nowhere. Except now we can see that Jack is the driver. They are met by armed military guys and Jack tries to reassure them that they're going on an ADVENTURE and this will be FUN. Chrissy: Yeah, why is it every time a television character says that it ends in tears? A light appears in the middle of the road and Jack encourages them to walk toward it. Chrissy: Yes, GO TOWARD THE LIGHT. THIS IS NOT AT ALL OMINOUS! They all stumble toward it like lambs to slaughter except one boy who asks Jack what the light is. Jack is like 'because I said so, now GO' The boy asks if it's safe. Jack says yep and gives him a push toward it, brightly adding that he doesn't want to get left behind. Then he stares at the children's retreating backs like 'oh my GOD, I'm a MONSTER.' The light flashes brighter like an explosion going off and then disappears, taking the children with it. Except Clement, who is running down the hill somewhere unseen. Jack goes over to Vanessa, who is huddled near a truck listening to a radio transmission. She confirms that they're sending the antivirus just like they promised. "Maybe the gods were kind. Maybe they are in paradise." Jack snorts in disgust and walks away. Chrissy: Wait a minute...why are there only eleven children? Diandra: Quick, grab the antivirus and run! Oh, we're not going to address that? Oh, okay. Hub 2, present. Clement whimpers that Jack has featured in all of his nightmares since. Jack lamely says that he's REALLY sorry about that and starts moving toward Clement. He doesn't get far before Clement grabs the gun from Gwen's belt and shoots him in the chest. Gwen tries to talk Clement down while Ianto goes to Jack. Clement is, of course, now convinced that they're all working with "them". After a couple minutes of wildly waving the gun around he realizes that he just killed a man and lets Gwen take the gun back before crying on her shoulder. And then Jack gasps back to life in Ianto's lap. Clement runs away in terror with Gwen running after him, babbling that it's okay, this is NORMAL! Once Jack is up and talking again, Ianto goes into a stew and grumbles that Jack could have maybe, you know, mentioned this before now. Chrissy: Eh, where's the fun in that? Diandra: Said every television writer ever. Jack says they weren't speaking through kids back then, so he didn't recognize the signs. Ianto says no, not that. Before either of them can elaborate, Gwen heards a skittish Clement back into the room so he can clunkily note that the man who sent all his friends to, probably, their deaths is incapable of dying himself. Johnson and team put Alice and Stephen in the cell next to the one they had Jack in. Alice is reassuring Stephen that this is all a mistake and Uncle Jack will get them out. Johnson pulls her aside as the boy goes in the cell and says wait...he doesn't know Jack is his grandfather? Lady, do YOU want to try to explain to a kid that age why his grandfather is younger than his mother? And you just know he would brag about it to all his friends because secrets are not something kids are good at. "I can only assume that you're holding me here as insurance against my father," Alice says quietly. "But let me warn you: if you've angered him then God help you." Johnson notes that that's interesting coming from the woman who has been running from him for years. Alice says yeah, there's a reason for that. "A man who can't die has got nothing to fear." Jack is changing his shirt, apparently having explained the whole 1965 plan already. Gwen says he must have KNOWN they would come back eventually. He said he knew it was a POSSIBILITY, but they didn't have a choice. Clement wants to know why THEY were chosen in particular. Jack points out the bleeding obvious: they were orphans. And obviously nobody ever noticed the rest of the children who disappeared, so... Jack says his only "consolation" was that the deal seemed to have worked. For forty years. Clement asks why he was left behind then. Wait...so he didn't escape? The aliens just didn't pick him up and nobody noticed? Gwen theorizes that it is connected to the fact that they are concentrating on pre-pubescent children now. Maybe he was almost too old for whatever they needed? She notices that Frobisher et al are coming back into the tank room and asks Ianto if they're still recording Lois' contact feed. Yes. For all the good it's done so far. Thames House. Everybody takes up their positions again and Frobisher steps up to the tank. He says before they begin, he's been asked to clarify something. Before they can consider this insanity...sorry, request...they need to know what, exactly, they intend to do with the children. Chrissy: Drink their blood and live forever. Duh. The alien doesn't answer, but notes that some "remnant" is watching them. In the Hub, Clement squeaks that it KNOWS he can see it. But the team don't hear what the alien said until after Lois writes it down. Gwen claims it's referring to the other camera and doesn't know about THEM. Frobisher says yes, the Prime Minister and several other leaders are watching via that camera over there and they want the 456 to ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION. The alien harkens back to their first conversation and asks if this is "off the record". Frobisher says yes. The alien invites him to come inside the tank. Frobisher looks at him like 'um...you do know that that shit is poison to us, right?' The alien says bring a camera. So they put a guy in a hazmat suit, give him a camera and wish him luck. Chrissy: I would like to note that the hazmat suit is red, so he is literally a red shit here. Diandra: Eh, I'm sure he'll be fine. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Decker sits at a computer that's monitoring Redshirt's vitals as he steps into the tank and immediately disappears from view. Another computer next to it has the feed from the camera, which is just smoke until he gets closer. Then it's just ill defined appendages and slime. The man's heartbeat speeds up and then the monitor starts picking up two more heartbeats in the tank with him. Frobisher notes that the alien seems to have three heads, so...could that explain it? Decker says no, there are three distinct life forms in the tank. Frobisher grabs the microphone and orders the Redsuit to move closer. Redsuit is like yeah, sure...I'll get right on that. He inches closer, panning the camera over various body parts, until he suddenly finds a small human figure suspended in the middle of everything, some sort of gas mask over half of it's face. Clement starts shrieking angrily. Pierce asks if that's a CHILD and how the hell did the alien manage to get one in there? The Prime Minister is like 'um...fuck.' Gwen states the obvious: this is one of the children from 1965. And then the musical director starts playing some unholy mixture of carnival music being played on slowly dying players that he probably lifted from a horror movie. Rhys wonders aloud if the unaged child is conscious and aware of what is happening. The child blinks big, startled eyes at the camera and the camera feed goes blurry. Clement asks what just happened and Gwen says Lois is crying. Yet another disadvantage of their shoddy spyware. Frobisher yelps in outrage and the alien starts banging on the glass and generally doing an encore of its Linda Blair impersonation. Redsuit gets covered in vomit and starts shrieking, the sound drowned out by the alien reciting various things Frobisher has said before - mimicking his voice - like a glitchy machine. Off the record. Off the record. Off the record. Pierce notes that that is Frobisher's voice and asks what it means by "off the record". The Prime Minister appears to be trying to wish himself invisible. The Redsuit is helped out of his clothing tainted with alien upchuck while Frobisher goes back in front of the tank and says simply "this is unacceptable." He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and adds that he gave the 456 ample opportunity to redeem themselves, but obviously it isn't working, so he's done playing nice. Vanessa! Damnit, what happened to Vanessa? Clara? New girl? Somebody! Ahem. No, sadly this does not happen. The alien says it's not like they're harming the children at all. They're not feeling any pain. Lois transcribes this for the team and we hear Ianto recite a part that we didn't hear: they live long "beyond their years". Jack says that still doesn't explain what it's DOING with them. Rhys thinks it's a bit late to be asking that NOW. Chrissy: Thank you, Captain Boyscout for that criticism of shit I had to do before you were even born. So glad you joined the team. Diandra: Yeah. That. Before anybody can say anything more there, Ianto reads the alien's continued statement. "We have answered your question. You have one day to select and deliver the ten percent." Back in the room at Thames House, Frobisher asks what happens if they refuse. The alien says oh, well, we'll just find another planet that is more accommodating then! Oh, wait...just kidding. We'll wipe out the entire human race. 10 Downing Street. Pierce is like 'so can we talk about the fact that this country is keeping previous dealings with his alien species a secret now?' The Prime Minister pretends like this is the first time he's heard of it, but yeah. He stresses that he was also a child back in 1965, so, you know... Pierce isn't buying his ignorance. He made the deal to keep this secret LAST WEEK. The Prime Minister gulps and gasps and says, basically, 'well it seemed like a good idea at the time.' Chrissy: Yeah, let's just let people vote on whether they want to dissolve the whole country's relationship with the rest of the continent. What's the worst that can happen? Pierce stands up and announces that the UN will decide what measures to take against them after they've reviewed ALL the files they have on the incident in 1965. Then he marches out. Hub 2. Ianto finds Jack in some corner somewhere so they can have an awkward talk about emotions and stuff. He asks why Jack didn't tell him about this because it had to be KILLING him and he could have helped. Jack says no, he really couldn't have. Ianto grumbles that he tells JACK everything. Jack says fine, what does Ianto think he should have done? Ianto, with the childlike reasoning of a kid who has just learned about Nazis, says Jack should have "stood up to them." Jack just clenches his jaw and Ianto concludes that there's a whole lot more to it than that. Um...yeah. Jack defensively points out that he's been around for a LONG time and done a LOT of things. Chrissy: And people. And aliens. He starts to storm off and Ianto is like 'don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you! Avoiding this isn't going to make it go away!' Jack whirls on him and says he needs to call Frobisher, but he can't do it from here because they'll trace the connection. "Is that okay, DAD?" Okay, so that last word was only implied. Oh, and by the way, "I have a daughter called Alice and a grandson called Stephen and Frobisher took them hostage yesterday." He stomps off. Thames House. Frobisher, Bridget and Lois are slumped on a bench in a hallway looking exhausted. Frobisher tells them they should go get some sleep as long as have a chance. Bridget says he should too in a tone that basically says 'you first.' Frobisher's phone rings. He announces that it's Jack and orders Bridget to start a trace. Lois scampers off in another direction for some reason. "Have you thought about what I said," Jack asks by way of greeting. Frobisher is like 'you do realize that I'm a bit busy right now what with negotiating with an alien race and all?' Jack says let's try this again: "release my family and we can work together." Frobisher counteroffers to not hurt them if Jack turns himself in. Jack is like haha, not a chance. "You've spoken to the 456, haven't you? They want more children?" Frobisher feigns ignorance. Jack is like oh, please, what else would they want? Oh, and they probably want even more than last time since they insisted on involving the whole world and not just the UK, right? "If I have to stop you, then I'll tell the world what's really going on." He disconnects and the tech guy Bridget is on the phone with looses the trace. Bridget tells him they're working on getting a location from satellite data, but Frobisher grumbles that it's useless because he'll be long gone by the time they get it. Bridget tries to get him to take a nap again, but Lois returns to announce that the Prime Minister wants to see him. So Frobisher, Bridget and Lois are ushered into a room with all sorts of bigwigs. Gwen identifies it as COBRA, the cabinet briefing room where all the emergency meetings are held. "They'll sell us out just like they did last time," says Clement. Wow. That was a loaded line. Everyone gathers around the laptop and Gwen expresses condolences on the current situation with Jack's family, promising that they'll find a way to get them out. In the briefing room, The Prime Minister opens the meeting by saying they're going to come up with a realistic number and see what they can work with. The woman beside him - a British Hey, It's That Lady - translates that his plan is to haggle and asks what happened to the military option. A guy in a suit - aka not evidentially military - says there's nothing to really take action against because the 456 must have their base of operation somewhere in space, but their satellites aren't showing anything. "Whatever's up there: it's beyond our technology." Chrissy: Isn't it cute how Earthlings from the post- industrial age are baffled when alien tech is beyond their comprehension? Diandra: Sort of like an ant trying to comprehend a nuclear reactor. The lady asks what about the obvious target sitting in a tank in Thames House. Suit says taking it out would basically be a declaration of war. Dude, they just threatened planetary genocide if they don't get their way. I think you're past the point of declaring war. The Prime Minister turns to Frobisher and says all this aside...he needs numbers. What can they get away with realistically? The lady says this isn't just Britain, is it? PM says no, every country would have to make a "camouflageable contribution". Frobisher reaches back for the "SAS file" from Bridget. Bridget hands it over, then watches suspiciously while Lois walks around the table to get a cup of tea, sneaking glances back at the table. Frobisher says that Britain has 21 "unaccompanied asylum seekers awaiting deportation" in Oakington right now. Chrissy: So...refugees. Diandra: The new orphans, also belonging to the category of "won't be missed". Another guy says yeah, well, 21 isn't going to cut it. Can he get that up to 60? Frobisher fidgets with the file and says yeah, um...maybe by morning. The PM thanks him and instructs him to go back to Thames House and make that offer to the 456. After, of course, signing away his soul and leaving his testicles in a jar at the front desk. Chrissy: Mister Prime Minister? I have a General Heydrich on the phone. He's wondering when the meeting is supposed to start. Diandra: Yeah, history nerding isn't as fun as general nerding. Frobisher's house. Mrs. Frobisher gets a call from her husband and asks how the meeting went. He says he can't explain, but he wants her to know that she has nothing to worry about. Everything will be just fine. She asks if he's coming home or if he's even slept yet because apparently his inability to sleep is worrying everybody. He assures her that he's fine, he's just pushing papers around and dotting all the "i"s and such, but it's a matter of national security so he can't come home. He gets in the elevator and the phone manages to stay connected because all phones in movies and tv shows are magic. They make awkward chit chat for a while. You know, when are you going to be home. I love you. I sent bodyguards to the house, but you totally shouldn't worry everything's fiiiiiiiine. Did I say I love you already? His wife, clearly not being an idiot, cries as she says she loves him too and hangs up. Ambassadorial suite of hostile negotiations. Frobisher is alone with the alien, the camera in the corner sending video to the room where everyone else is now. He says they discussed the demands and they have a counter offer. One child for every million people on the planet, which works out to about six thousand seven hundred. The alien is like 'what part of ten percent was unclear you hairless monkey?' Frobisher repeats the one-per-million number and says it's their final offer and it's more than generous. He stomps out to give it time to "think" about it. Once he's out of the room, the alien starts whispering "325000" over and over. At Rhiannon's house, Rhiannon's argument with her jerk of a husband over the fact that he keeps bringing these kids home and then expecting HER to take care of them because GOD FORBID he do some of it himself is interrupted when all the kids start chanting the same number. Gwen types the numbers Clement is chanting along with the rest of the kids into a search on their database. Chrissy: We don't see it, but it spits back "42". The British reporter notes that children in different countries are reciting different numbers. This is reinforced by the return of the French reporter (448000) and the American reporter (2340000). One of the guys in the crisis room is the first to get the answer: they're all reciting numbers that are ten percent of the children's total population in any given country. The Prime Minister is like 'so you're saying they're rejecting our offer then?' They call a break and everybody runs off to answer their phones or make calls or whatever. The guy who broke the news points out that it might not be the most terrible of ideas because the human population has gotten completely out of control and overpopulation is projected to be a REALLY big problem by 2050. Yeah, but if you wanted to do something about that you would leave the children alone and focus on weeding out the ones who keep HAVING them. Didn't you read "Inferno"? Chrissy: Please, take the Duggars first. Diandra: Take ALL the quiverfull whackjobs. Seriously. You'd be doing us a huge favor. The PM is like 'wait, you think this is a good plan?' The guy points out that if he has to spin this to the public, which is looking like a distinct possibility, reminding people that this could help alleviate problems of having way too many humans competing for dwindling resources can't hurt. Johnson goes to check on the tech surveillance guy, who announces that all their usual government and intelligence sources have gone quiet suddenly. It's like nobody is talking about whatever is happening in London anymore. Johnson grumbles something about checking it out herself and orders him to get her a clear path through the blocked traffic and keep watching for Jack Harkness. Back to the crisis room. The Prime Minister says they are now "facing the worst case scenario" and they don't have time for a discussion about ethics. The guy from before - who I will refer to as Heydrich from now on since Chrissy brought it up and it totally fits - suggests other, more practical points of discussion like which children they should sacrifice and how they can convince the adults that this is a good thing. The Prime Minister calls on Frobisher for input and he says he will have nothing to do with the selection process but he can arrange to have the children transported to whatever location the 456 want to use for pickup. In the corner, Lois is transcribing all of this for the team. The Prime Minister moves on to the actual methods of selection. After a long silence, the guy sitting next to him says it would have to be random. Hey, It's That Lady says nobody would buy that unless the "random" selection includes some of THEIR children. Is HE willing to sacrifice his children to convince people it's really random? See, this is something that would totally not be an issue with Americans because we have a history of ignoring the fact that the officials that declare the wars are NEVER the ones who actually volunteer to send their kids to fight in them. Yeah, I watch Michael Moore movies. Bite me. Heydrich offers to do it "alphabetically". HiTL (holy fuck, why did I chose that name for her?!) points out that HIS last name is Yates, so he would want that. He yelps that that wasn't what he meant and he doesn't even HAVE kids. She says yeah, so it doesn't matter to him either way, does it? Also, the Prime Minister's kids are already grown, so it won't affect him either. The Prime Minister tries to calm her down and she snaps some sarcastic thing along the lines of "yes, by all means, let's be CIVILIZED in our discussion about offering up millions of children as human sacrifices." The Prime Minister is like 'yeah, that would be great, thanks.' She glares at him. Suit suggests something like "every second born" to limit the loss to one per family, but Frobisher dismisses this as impractical given the time constraints. Chrissy: Also, you're supposed to sacrifice your FIRST born. The guy says then it has to be by school. They all stare into space for a second and HiTL announces that she's just going to say what everyone else is thinking: if they go through with this, her kids will be exempted. We go to Hub 2, where the team watches in disgust as all the big wigs in that room agree that it makes sense for their kids to have different protection than all the other plebs. We go back to the crisis room in time for the Prime Minister to officially promise that no matter what happens, the descendants of everyone in the room will be exempt. HiTL asks what about nieces and nephews and she and the Prime Minister start fighting. This ends with her making the following statement: "in a national emergency a country must plan for the future and discriminate between those who are vital to continued stability and those who are not." Chrissy: It sounded better in the original German. HiTL (really regretting this acronym now) says it doesn't matter because once they decided THEIR kids were exempt, they destroyed the illusion of random selection. Her suggestion is that they avoid the "good schools" full of future leaders, doctors, teachers and factory workers. "The workforce of the future". Focus on the schools that are failing where the children are less likely to "benefit" society and are bound to wind up either living on welfare or in prison. She points out that it should be easy to identify the lowest performing 10% of children thanks to standardized testing. Chrissy: You know...on the one hand, this show has suddenly spiked in terms of quality, but on the other hand...HOLY SHIT WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS SHOW?! Diandra: Yeah. Think of this as a preview to what season four is going to look like. Chrissy: FUCK! Everyone decides yeah, that sounds like a plan actually, and the Prime Minister tells Frobisher he has his criteria and he can go about selecting now. Frobisher just looks around the table like HOLY SHIT I WORK WITH MONSTERS. Chrissy: Well, really? There was no way the outcome of this discussion was going to be anything BUT horrifying, so... Diandra: Seriously, where is that damn Chameleon Arch when you need it? Chrissy: I sincerely hope somebody has written that fanfic where he actually is the Doctor in disguise. Diandra: Of course, if that happened, then this season would come to an end a lot faster and the Torchwood team wouldn't really have done much. Chrissy: But then Ianto wouldn't have to die, right? Diandra: Um...if they did it in the next ten minutes? Probably. Chrissy: Somebody should totally write that fic. Diandra: I assume by "somebody", you're subtly hinting that it should be me? Chrissy: Last I checked you were the only fanfiction writer I am currently talking to, yes. Diandra: Yeah. I'm afraid that would turn out like that vampire story I started to save Jack from the ending of "Lost". It sounded like a good idea, but... Chrissy: Wait...you were writing a vampire story? Okay, we need to talk about this later. Hub 2. Gwen says well...they now have enough evidence recorded to completely destroy all of the people involved with that New Wansee Conference there. Jack suggests they use that to force their way into Thames House. Gwen adds that they could get his family released too. Jack says great "everybody know what they're doing?" Gwen asks what happens if she can't get Lois to agree to their plan. He says she hasn't let them down yet. He and Ianto grab guns and go running off. Chrissy: [loud, frustrated sound] Diandra: Yep. Sorry. Lois goes into the bathroom to splash her face and looks in the mirror. Gwen types that they have a plan to stop this, but they need her help. We check in with the reporters again, who are all getting uptight about the fact that the UK government isn't TELLING THEM ANYTHING. They've managed to work out on their own that the numbers are ten percent of the population, though. Jack and Ianto get stuck in traffic and have to abandon the car. Ianto calls Rhiannon while they're walking to explain to her what I thought everybody had worked out at this point: that the "they" the children kept referring to are aliens. He adds what nobody outside of the crisis room and Torchwood team have been able to confirm yet: they want children. He says for the next few days she shouldn't let ANYONE take her kids for any reason. Because we all know, considering their father and what we've seen of them so far, that they would be in the bottom ten percent. He adds that that goes for anyone who might be listening too: fuck the official secrets act. If they have any kids or grandkids, keep a close eye on them for the next couple days. The guy in the tech surveillance room, who is, in fact, listening in, looks stricken, but forwards Ianto's location to Johnson in the squad truck anyway. Ianto finishes with an "I love you" and adds that he loves her kids too. He's even "warming to" her husband a little. Chrissy: Oh, god, he's gone insane. She says she loves him too, but he may or may not have already hung up. Hub 2. Gwen hands Rhys a laptop. He grumbles something about her just getting him out of her hair because he's not cut out for this. She insists that he's a very important part of the plan and kisses him before shooing him away. Johnson's team arrive at the location they were given, but there's nobody there. The surveillance guy announces that there's a warehouse two miles south of that location that used to belong to Torchwood One. Back in the crisis room, Frobisher is calmly explaining that they're going to need a good cover story to explain this whole operation and encourage people to actually participate in it. Chrissy: We're going to have a competition where we pit the children against each other and the family of the "winner" will get a massive check and a government-paid mansion in a nice district. Diandra: That sounds vaguely familiar... No, Frobisher suggests claiming they need to bring the children in for an "inoculation" that will stop the demonic chanting. "Then when it goes wrong and the children disappear...we blame the aliens." Gwen gets a call from Ianto that they've arrived where they're supposed to be. At the surveillance center, the tech guy confirms that Gwen is in the warehouse Johnson's team is headed for. Gwen types a message to Lois that Jack is in position and they're ready. Frobisher is finishing his argument for the "pretend the 456 double-crossed us" plan by saying that this way they will look like naive idiots instead of willing accomplices. The Prime Minister objects to his choice of wording there because none of them are WILLING to do this. Lois swallows heavily and raises her hand like a student who knows the answer but is absolutely terrified that the teacher might actually call on her. Everybody completely ignores her. After a few seconds of watching them discuss gathering military forces and reconvening tomorrow, she finally says "uh...scuse me?" Bridget tries to shut her down before she can even say anything because WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS TRYING TO PLAY WITH THE BIG BOYS HERE. The Prime Minister condescends to acknowledge her and thank her for her work so far but "this isn't the best time". She says yeah, um...actually...the thing is...she's just here to take notes, but she is a civilian and a member of the voting population so... Everyone falls all over themselves to try to stop her from going any further. Bridget tries to drag her outside. Frobisher scolds her for interrupting. Chrissy: Women should be seen and not heard! No, wait...you're only three fifths of a person! No, wrong country. Oh, shut up and sit down little girl! Diandra: Yeah, something like that. Heydrich grumbles something about a "revolutionary" and Lois seizes on that and says sure, if that's what they want to call someone who works with Torchwood. Everyone gapes at her as she gets visibly braver and announces that Torchwood has been recording everything they've said in this room and it will all be made public unless they cooperate. Jack and Ianto walk right through the front doors of the Thames Building, slap their weapons down on the security counter and announce that they're Torchwood. At the same time, Johnson and her team arrive at the warehouse and break in, surrounding Gwen and Clement hovering over the laptop. Gwen calmly looks at Johnson and says "we've been expecting you". Johnson yells at her to get on the ground, but Gwen just keeps talking about how they must have traced Ianto's call and now they can take her to Alice and Stephen, right? Johnson says maybe they'll put her in the next cell or maybe they'll just shoot her right now and claim she resisted arrest. Gwen points out the risk in that by pointing to the laptop that is still recording the crisis room meeting. In the crisis room, the Prime Minister reminds Lois that Torchwood was destroyed. She says nope and by now Jack Harkness should be in the reception hall of the MI:5 building. It would be best if they just stood down and let him deal with the 456 now as they should have done in the first place. Chrissy: Except they haven't done anything significantly different than what he did last time he dealt with them. Just...on a bigger scale. Diandra: Yeah, well... Hub 2. Gwen explains to Johnson that they gave all the recordings of the little Wansee conference rerun that just went on in that room to her husband who is holed up in a safe location ready to broadcast them to the whole world if they try anything funny. Thames House. Jack and Ianto arrive at the top floor and Jack hands Decker the number he wants the live feed directed to. They march into the "ambassadorial suite" and Jack introduces himself. This is probably the first time the words "I'm Captain Jack Harkness" have been said in a way that is actually commanding instead of an opening to a pick up line. He reminds the alien that he's dealt with the 456 before and "I'm here to explain why this time you're not getting what you want." The alien points out that he rolled over and gave them what they wanted before, so... Jack says yeah, and that's why he's going to stop them this time. He says there's a very old saying on Earth that a wise friend of his once told him... Chrissy: Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you. Diandra: Not to be confused with the idiot translation of fool me once shame on you, fool me...you can't get fooled again. Chrissy: Otherwise known as the W Bush translation. Diandra: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what I just said. Actually, the expression is "an injury to one is an injury to all." He says when people act according to that philosophy, the human race is the "finest species in the universe". Unfortunately, it's pretty rare that they do that. Ianto says forget the philosophy, let's cut to the chase: you're not getting even one child. Period. You get nothing. You lose. Good day sir! Jack is like 'uh...honey...you're kind of stepping on my moment here...' Ianto is like 'yeah, whatever. Shut up. My way is better.' The alien just repeats that they gave in before so they will do it again. Jack points out that last time their demands were small enough that they could be "kept secret", but now they're getting greedy. He confirms what Gwen just said. Torchwood is ready to tell the whole world what's going on this time. Recordings of everything that's gone on in this room where they've been negotiating this bullshit. The alien is like 'but...you gave in before' because apparently they don't just use children, they have the mentality of children. Particularly stubborn children who don't understand why they can't get ALL of their demands met. Chrissy: Kind of like the Bernie or Bust people. Diandra: Actually, that's kind of a perfect analogy. If I don't get exactly what I want, I will wreak so much chaos that it will be impossible for me to EVER get what I want. Brilliant. Thank you. Jack says no, see, you're not getting it: when everyone knows what's going on they will have six billion angry humans to contend with. And if they think they will win that fight, they underestimate the fearsome rage of females whose children are being threatened. They're fucking monsters. Ianto invites the alien to check the Earth records for Captain Jack Harkness going back 150 years. The alien recites statistics on infant mortality rates and notes that the typical human response to this tragedy is just to accept it and adapt. Jack says no, fuck you. This isn't SIDS. This is war. The alien says okay, then. Challenge accepted. Ianto looks at Jack in alarm. Jack doesn't seem to understand that the negotiation is over and says he's waiting for a reply. The alien's like 'oh, you're getting one.' All the alarms go off and Thames House goes into complete lockdown. The alien announces that a virus has been released into the building. He wanted a demonstration of what they're getting into picking a fight with the 456? Here you go. Gwen asks if Johnson can override this. Johnson, who has been staring slackjawed at the computer screen for the past few minutes, is like 'what do you think I'm magic or something?' Crisis room. Frobisher notes that Thames House is designed to withstand biological attack. Nothing can get in or out. Which...you know...in this case means that everyone in the building will be trapped and die but at least it won't spread anywhere else. Silver lining. People are starting to run around Thames House frantically, trampling each other. Jack runs out to tell the guards that the air has been poisoned and yells a bunch of instructions about getting gas masks and oxygen tanks, but it really doesn't matter because none of that is going to help. Ianto points a gun at the tank and says that if there's a virus there has to be an antivirus and unless the alien releases THAT now he will blow a hole in that carefully controlled environment of his and the alien can die with them. Jack runs back in and points his own gun at the tank, panting that the alien made his point and he can stop this now. The alien gloats that it's too late because they're already dying. Jack and Ianto start shooting and everybody realizes that the tank is bulletproof. The alien starts making a high pitch shrieking noise and doing its Linda Blair impression again. Clement starts grabbing his head and moaning in pain. Gwen orders Johnson to turn the feed off and tries to restrain him. Jack grabs Ianto and announces that they need to get him out. Ianto mutters that it's too late. Jack starts yelping about there being SOMETHING they can do and turns to beg the alien impotently to spare him and he'll take it all back if they'll just leave him out of it. Ianto collapses and Jack barely catches him. Clement is starting to bleed from various facial orifices. Johnson is just staring at him and Gwen like a useless lump. The alien says something about the "remnant" being disconnected and Clement just goes limp in Gwen's arms. She lays him down and, after a beat, numbly announces that he's dead and asks what's happening at Thames House. Johnson mumbles that they're all trapped inside and Gwen buries her face in her hands and cries. And now we get a horrible montage of people trampling each other while mournful music plays. Decker digs up a hazmat suit and frantically pulls it on. The guards take sledgehammers to the locked doors, which are, of course, too secure for that to actually accomplish anything. All the people banging on the locked doors start sagging to the ground. And we're back with Jack cradling Ianto in his lap. Jack babbles that this is all his fault. Ianto cries and says he loves him. "Don't..." Jack sobs. "It was good, yeah," Ianto asks. Chrissy: Oh, dear god, kill me. Ianto starts begging Jack to not forget him. Jack sniffles that he couldn't if he wanted to. Ianto is like 'yeah...in a thousand years you'll have totally forgotten me'. Jack insists he won't and starts begging Ianto to please not leave him as Ianto closes his eyes. The alien, apparently desperately needing to get in the last word, gloats that after this demonstration, Jack's people are bound to hand over the children. Jack glowers at the tank, kisses Ianto and collapses sideways, still half curled around him. Crisis room. Everyone is staring at the feed from Thames House in silence until the Prime Minister tentatively asks "what now?" Chrissy: Now you go fuck yourself, you dick. Diandra: Yeah, my guess is he is not winning re- election. Heydrich is like um...well we either go to war against an enemy that will almost certainly slaughter us or we "go to war against our own people for their own good." Well, that's an interesting way to put it. HiTL says fuck the whole "injury to one" thing, they need to surrender. They conclude that it's either sacrifice thirty-five million children or all 6.7 billion humans, which is kind of beyond a rock and a hard place. The Prime Minister orders Frobisher to start putting the plan into action. In a warehouse somewhere, Gwen is escorted by a guy in military dress between rows of covered bodies to numbers 13 and 14. The mournful music plays again while she kneels between them and drags the sheet off of 13. It's Jack. She just kind of smiles at him and turns to 14. Jack gasps awake more quietly than he ever has before while she's pulling the sheet from Ianto's face. He sits up and folds himself around her and they both cry before we fade out into the credits. Chrissy: Well, that was fun. Let's never do that again. Diandra: I'm sorry.