"Torchwood: Miracle Day, episode 1: The New World" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Kai Owen, Mekhi Phifer, Alexa Havins, Bill Pullman Apparently this episode automatically opens with an introduction by Russel T. Davis and John Barrowman talking about how this first episode is going to introduce a bunch of new characters who will get the band back together, as it were...all two of them remaining...and form a new Torchwood. Chrissy: Haha, funny. You guys suck. Diandra: Well, actually... Chrissy: Oh, shut up. You know what I meant. We begin with a news report, because Torchwood writers seem to love this method of framing, about a guy named Oswald Danes who is scheduled to be executed bright and early today at the Montrose Hill State Penitentiary in Kentucky. Kentucky is an interesting choice as Brits seem to always go with Florida when they want a state that still has the death penalty. Chrissy: I don't know why they don't go with Texas since it will be the LAST state to get rid of the death penalty and it has all the southern cowboy cliches they think best identify a person as American. Diandra: Well, this season had some American influence too, so... The reporter says they were anticipating protests because bleeding heart liberals always protest the death penalty being used in general, but there haven't been any for Oswald because his crimes were so awful that frankly he's lucky our constitution doesn't allow death by public stoning. This is me paraphrasing, by the way. I actually AM a bleeding heart liberal and I tend to hide behind the couch whenever shows/movies show people being executed because the very existence of the death penalty makes me nauseous. The news report switches to video of Bill Pullman wearing prison orange and looking exhausted and pissed off and generally like the last twenty years haven't done him a whole lot of favors. The reporter reminds viewers who probably have known this for quite a while that Oswald used to be a school teacher until he raped and murdered a twelve year old girl. And he didn't even try to feign innocence, reportedly telling the police officer who arrested him that she "should have run faster". Okay, yeah. I can see how a lot of people would use him as a poster child for keeping the death penalty as an option. But personally, I would throw him in a supermax with no visitation or internet privileges, hand him a bar of soap and cheerfully remind him not to drop it while he's showering next to the worst of humanity. Because what's a better punishment? Death or being raped on a regular basis by some beefy white supremacist named Vito for the rest of your miserable existence? Which probably won't be long because child killers don't tend to last in prison. Chrissy: Have I ever told you I love your twisted sense of justice? Diandra: Thank you? I'm not sure that's a good thing, actually. Chrissy: Neither am I. And is now a good time to remind you of that schoolgirl crush you used to have on Bill Pullman? Diandra: He was the president in "Independence Day" back then. And I also had a crush on Harrison Ford around that time. Still kind of do. Chrissy: Well, honestly, what straight girl hasn't had fantasies about Han Solo and/or Indiana Jones? Diandra: True. What were we talking about again? Chrissy: Search me. Something about you crushing on guys who famously played leaders of the free world in the 90s? I'm surprised you didn't have a thing for Martin Sheen. Diandra: Yeah, I'm just going to keep recapping if it's all the same to you. Oh, hell, here we go. We go into the execution theater where an officer announces that Oswald is permitted a final statement and asks if he has anything to say. Oswald just looks at the people watching and says nothing. The guard exits the room and pushes the button that starts the machine that does all the lethal injecting automatically these days. Because we can only put people to death if we don't have to look at them while we're doing it. And then all the hypocrisy of this practice kicks into overdrive as he starts choking and thrashing for a full minute until the guards rush in to close the curtains on the viewing room. Chrissy: Because we're only okay with the death penalty until somebody doesn't die quickly and we have to watch them suffer. Diandra: Yep. For what it's worth: this is why Minnesota doesn't have a death penalty anymore. The last hanging went badly. Look it up. In an office somewhere, a woman is on the phone asking if whoever is on the line has ever heard of Torchwood. The answer comes from Mekhi Pfifer, who is driving down a freeway in the pouring rain and talking on his cell phone. The answer is 'I am a completely reckless idiot and I ain't got time for that shit. Did you hear Steve's wife has cancer?' He seems disturbingly happy about this. The woman repeats that it's called Torchwood and it's a British organization. Mekhi says no, you're not getting it: there's about to be an opening in Venezuela and that promotion is totally MINE! The woman says yes, congratulations, but to put things in perspective: Steve has only been married six months. Mekhi says eh, it's still a tragedy. Cue the vulture funeral director on Everybody Hates Chris saying "tRAgic!" The woman says whatever, she really thinks they should look into this Torchwood thing that just got sent down to her. We see over her shoulder that she is reading what looks like articles about the 456 clusterfuck. She says every section chief on the East coast just received an email that simply said "TORCHWOOD" in ridiculously giant letters. It's even showing up on their main screens, completely bypassing security. Other people in the office around the woman are calling people and running searches to figure out what Torchwood even is because since it has nothing to do with America they probably haven't heard that name until just now. Mekhi, swerving around slow moving trucks, says okay, he'll bite. What the hell is Torchwood? "I've looked it up, it's some pretty freaky stuff," she says. "I'll send it to you now." Chrissy: Have fun removing THAT virus. Diandra: By the way, I see you missed that seminar on sexual harassment in the workplace AGAIN. As she's hitting "send" a red security alert message flashes on the screen and the computer starts beeping. Mekhi somehow reads between the lines and says it sounds like they're Intelligence, not clandestine. Also, if it's called the Torchwood INSTITUTE, that means it's officially sanctioned by the government of the UK. The woman is barely listening because the alert is now on all the computers and she rushes to some other guys' computer to see if she can fix it somehow. Don't know why she can't do that from her station. The big monitor in the front of the room goes black and she tells the guy that the whole thing has been wiped like it was hit by a virus. Chrissy: I told you to stay away from that website. Diandra: For the last time: DON'T CLICK ON THE FREE MOVIE LINKS! Mekhi says okay, well then, back to me. Can you check with Steve and see if his new wife really is dying? Hand the Torchwood thing to somebody else. Getting a definite timeline on Steve's personal tragedy is more important because it's all about ME. The woman is back at her still working computer staring at the screen wide-eyed, but we don't see what she's looking at before Karma catches up to Mekhi and the truck in front of him slams on the brakes. Several metal rods secured to the back of it fly free, a couple of them going through his windshield. At least one of them skewers through his chest. He screams and pants and we cut away before we can get too graphic. Yet. We're on an American cable channel now, so I'm sure there will be plenty of nudity and gore eventually. Chrissy: Wait...cable. Sex and violence. Is there going to be a gay love scene? Diandra: No. There's going to be two. Chrissy: Ugh. WHY did we have to kill Ianto again? Diandra: Because you're being punished for something. Somewhere, Gwen violently catapults upright in bed, gasping. Beside her, Rhys asks if she's okay. Chrissy: Oh, yeah. Just the usual job-induced night terrors. Carry on. Actually, yes: she pants that she just had a bad dream about her days with Torchwood. She flops back down and we go to credits. The credits for this season are more like the first two seasons except now the bleeping is in the form of a red EKG against a white background with a subdued version of the original theme accompanied by heart monitor sounds that flatline at the end. So I am happy to announce that I will, in fact, be able to refer to these as the Bleeping Credits for the remainder of this series. Mekhi is being wheeled down the corridors of a hospital, part of the pipe still skewered through his torso. The paramedic is reciting his vitals and marveling that he's even still alive. A doctor sidles up to the gurney, introducing herself as Doctor Juarez and calling him by his name: Rex. She announces that they are taking him straight to surgery. The blondie he was talking to earlier appears suddenly to ask if he's okay and announce that his name is Rex Matheson. Yes, I think we had that little bit of exposition covered already, thank you. Dr. Juarez brushes her away like an annoying insect, saying family only beyond this point. She continues rambling to the other staff surrounding the gurney that he's the second "DOA" who stubbornly refuses to die tonight. Another guy says they had a jumper who fell 22 floors earlier in the day. Both her lungs collapsed and she broke her...everything...but she was still alive somehow. Rex stares at a lamp overhead and we fade away. We pan over some beautiful UK coastlines, the wild barrenness occasionally broken by grazing sheep. We close in on a house in the middle of nowhere. This is apparently where Gwen and Rhys live now as they are tending to the garden outside when a helicopter flies overhead. Gwen watches it fearfully but Rhys brushes her concern off as paranoia. Time stamp identifies this as 8am. Presumably some time later, Gwen is feeding a baby in a high chair, telling a story about a woman "coming out of the sky" and singing in a thousand voices at once like she's found a way to sort of tell her child about some of the shit she sees in her job without scaring it for life. Rhys comes up behind her and begs her to stop because they promised they would keep their daughter FAR away from all of that. Gwen brushes this off because the daughter at that magical age where not all words actually have meaning and she just thinks mommy is an awesome storyteller. Rhys snarls that her life back then was a "living nightmare", not a fairytale. Chrissy: Um...she was basically describing an angel. Diandra: Yeah, well...angels can be terrifying too. Especially in the "Doctor Who" cannon, of which this is a spinoff. Before she can say anything else somebody knocks at the door. She stiffens and hisses at Rhys to be quiet. She gestures silently and they both go separate ways, pulling guns from respective arsenals before going to answer the door. Chrissy: So rural living in the UK isn't all that different from in the US I guess. It turns out to be hikers asking for directions back to the main village. Gwen snaps that they're on private property and she doesn't have time for this shit. She slams the door. Chrissy: Yep. Just like the US. She goes to the window to watch the couple walk away, grumbling about rude Welsh people. Rhys thinks this whole scenario is hilarious. Gwen doesn't because she could have SHOT those people. Rhys has apparently relaxed within the past few minutes because he assures her that they're safe here and FAR away from all that Torchwood bullshit. Washington DC, asscrack of dawn. Doctor Juarez finds Blondie in the hospital waiting room looking WAY too put together and alert for such an ungodly hour. Juarez says there have been three different station chiefs calling about Rex since he was admitted, but there's still no sign of his family. Blondie says they only have contact info for his father and he's not returning her calls. She warily starts to ask if Rex is dead then. Juarez says no, he's going to make it. Blondie nearly collapses in relief and thanks Juarez for apparently performing a miracle because the paramedics weren't at all optimistic. Juarez cryptically says somebody must have changed the rules because miracles seem to have gotten a whole lot easier in the past day or so. It's not just Rex. Blondie doesn't get what she means. We cut to them getting coffee from a machine as Juarez explains that it began last night with the guys down in the morgue asking if all the doctors were on strike or something. They hadn't had one dead body in twenty four hours. Nobody has died of old age, injury, sickness, nothing. She thought maybe it was a strange coincidence, but then she called somebody at a hospital in Chicago and they reported the same thing. She called her ex-husband at ANOTHER hospital and he said the same thing. So just to be extra sure, she called a friend in London (because this is a UK show and we need to reinforce its roots) and she said "what the hell are you calling me at two in the morning for? Do Americans not understand the concept of time zones?" No, just kidding. She said they hadn't had any deaths either. So obviously this is a worldwide phenomenon. No need to check any non-English speaking countries. Chrissy: Pfffffttt. Who cares about them? Losers. A reporter for some fake TV news channel is talking about the whole Oswald Danes botched execution debacle. Actually, she's pointing out that this turns out to only be part of a much bigger story developing today. We flip around to a few other reporters across the US saying that all the authorities seem to be confirming reports that absolutely nobody has died in the past thirty-six hours. The word "Miracle" is trending on all social media. All the reporters conclude with the words "Miracle Day". So the Governor of Kentucky sends a representative to talk to Oswald in the prison. Oswald snarks that this doesn't rank a personal visit then? The rep says um...no...turns out you're not special. He sent me to say that we're really sorry we basically tortured you but it was totally not our fault. Oswald grumbles yeah...nice half ass apology there. Rep is like yeah, well, you killed a kid so fuck you. Oswald says yeah, whatever. Can you let me go now? Because from where I'm sitting, my sentence was already carried out. Rep points out that they don't just set a guy on death row free because the hanging rope snapped or the chair blew a fuse. Oswald, obviously not an idiot, says that analogy only makes sense if the method of execution fails. He and his lawyers could easily argue that his execution was carried out just fine. "The fact that life and the laws of life on this Earth have changed is hardly my fault." Also, there's the fact that the constitution has amendments forbidding cruel and unusual punishment and people being tried for the same crime twice. Oh, by the way, his lawyers are suing the governor for wrongful imprisonment. So the rep should totally go talk to his boss about that. Chrissy: Is now a good time to remind you that you used to drool over this guy playing a total slimebucket? Diandra: No. Shut up. Another woman sidles up to Blondie (can we get her name already?) back at the office and asks if Rex is okay. She says yes and it turns out EVERYBODY else is too. Did they make any progress on that Torchwood bug? The woman says no, some guy named Brian Friedkin shut the operation down. Any further information on it goes through his office only and they're supposed to forget about it. Blondie says but...those files just disappeared... Her coworker says it hardly matters now that the whole world has changed, does it? Blondie won't drop it though, and turns to some other guy as the woman walks away to say that if it wasn't a virus it must have been some sort of malware... He shrugs and says he's never seen anything like it before, but it seems to have wiped all traces of Torchwood ever existing. They can't run a search anymore. It returns nothing, which...you know...is impossible. Blondie asks if there's something in hard copy somewhere. The guy says it's all been confiscated by Friedkin. And "Yvonne" says "it's classified under the 456 regulations". She advised staying away from it because "they all died". At least that's the rumor. Everyone who has ever worked for Torchwood is dead. The nurse helping Rex drink from a cup informs him that it's not just him that has survived despite the odds. She turns on the TV and leaves him with a news station showing a talking head shrieking that there are reports coming in from every continent. Rex flips to another station where an Asian guy is saying that death is not a "fixed concept" that can just be suspended. This is going against everything anybody knows about the rules of life. Rex switches again to a black girl ranting that somebody shot her brother, but he didn't die. Chrissy: Oh crapsticks. Diandra: Yeah. Let's just assume she means gang bangers or something even though she probably totally means he was shot by cops because that's been a problem in America since long before we officially became aware of it. Rex changes the station again and a guy is theorizing about disease or experimentation gone wrong and how we're all lab rats now. Flip. A woman shrieks that these people are DEAD and she is not going ANYWHERE near them without a full anti-zombie arsenal. Chrissy: Ah, yes. Wasn't there a French show that looked like this? Diandra: And a watered down American ripoff? Yes. Rex rips his oxygen line out and tries to get out of bed, shrieking and grabbing his chest in pain. The nurse comes running back to calm him down. Sometime later, he's resettled and Doctor Juarez comes around to explain that the pipe missed his spine, but lacerated his pericardium and the coronary artery in his leg was crushed and "thrombosed". She had to do a transplant with a section of vein from his thigh. Rex is like yeah, whatever, how is he still breathing? Juarez says she has no idea because his heart stopped at one point and yet all other body functions continued to perform normally. Rex asks if he's going to heal or be hurting like this for the rest of his life. Er...existence. Which is apparently forever now. Juarez sits on the edge of his bed and calmly says he should consider the possibility that he was lucky. Because he should have died, but whatever this Miracle thing is gave her enough time to fix the damage. Rex looks out the window and muses that somebody "cast a spell" over the whole world. But what happens to him when the spell runs out? Will he just keel over then? Juarez stares at him, clearly not having a clue. Back in Wales, Gwen and Rhys are painting a wall. Rhys accuses Gwen of "cheating". She sighs that it is totally like a man to turn painting a wall into some sort of competition. She drops her roller when a phone starts ringing and runs for it. Rhys says it's probably nothing. Gwen says no, there's only one reason why this particular phone would be ringing and WHERE DID HE PUT IT? She paws through a drawer and locates it, answering with "what is it? What's happened?" It's Andy, who announces that his name is Sergeant Davidson and he's calling about reports of a male suspect around St. Helen's hospital in Cardiff. "Suggest rendezvous at 0200 hours in the agreed position." Chrissy: Look, buddy, I keep telling you I'm a happily married woman now. Also, your kink is REALLY weird. Andy hangs up and Gwen numbly does the same before announcing that her dad is in the hospital. They have to go back. Chrissy: WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE! WE HAVE TO GO BAAAAACK! Blondie goes to some sort of archive building and we take a moment to let the camera linger on the fountain out in the courtyard. A guy inside tells her that Friedkin already took all the Torchwood files. She says yes, but he sent her to double check because there's always some files that get left behind, you know? The guy shrugs like 'knock yourself out lady, I really don't care'. She says she's not sure where to start. "Better find out then," he snips, not looking up. She sighs, grumbles a thank you, and goes to blindly poke through mountains of haystacks for a couple needles. Somehow she locates a box of files in the endless stacks with a redacted file. She runs her finger under the part of the document that says the 456 files are cross referenced under JF3238. She finds that box and pulls out a CIA folder with information on the 456 incident, including pictures of Jack and Gwen. She pulls out one of the pictures of Jack just as a familiar silhouette appears at the end of the row. She looks back and forth between the picture and him and looks like she might have peed her pants a little. Chrissy: Oh, honey. That's not urine. Diandra: Oh, come on! Jack steps into a strip of light and says "come with me if you want to live." Sorry, no, he just says "come with me". She turns around and runs in the other direction. Jack frowns like "well, that's not normally the effect I have on people" and slowly gives chase. She runs back up to that main desk where the unhelpful guy has been shot in the chest and is gurgling. Jack appears behind her and yells at her to get down, which she does immediately. He shoots the guy in the ski mask who just appeared with a machine gun. Of course, he doesn't die either and Jack runs over to kick his gun away and pull off his mask. Blondie steps closer and asks if he's going to die. Jack grumbles that nobody is dying these days. "You want to bet," the guy on the ground coughs. He rips his coat open to reveal a lot of explosives. Jack grabs Blondie and runs through the nearby window as the guy pushes the trigger and they are chased out into the night by a fireball, landing in the fountain we saw earlier. "Anyway," Jack says as they surface. "Captain Jack Harkness." He holds out his hand. "Nice to meet you." Chrissy: Stop it. Sincerely, the Doctor. Diandra: PS, Sorry about the whole Children of the Corn thing. I was...uh...busy. Chrissy: Oh, so you did get my reference after all? Diandra: I looked it up. She shakes his hand but says nothing, so I guess I'm just going to have to assume I missed her introduction somewhere and say her name is Esther Drummond. Chrissy: Um...no, you didn't miss anything. I'm pretty sure I would have remembered if anybody said THAT name. They go a block or so over and watch the emergency vehicles race by to respond to the explosion. Jack, handing Ester a bottle of water, assures her that the man was after HIM, not her. She asks why he would want Jack dead. Jack has no idea considering NOBODY can die today, apparently. He asks what got her involved in this craziness. She says she's not authorized for any of this, but she was talking to this friend of hers about Torchwood when he crashed his car and she's making causation out of a correlation there. Um...no. He didn't crash because he was talking to you. He crashed because he was driving like a suicidal asshole, only part of which involved him being on the phone with you. Jack cryptically says he understands that feeling. Chrissy: Yes, because Ianto also chose to do something stupid and Jack blames himself for his death. The difference is that IANTO IS STILL DEAD AND THANKS FOR REMINDING ME, WRITERS. Esther asks what Torchwood is anyway. Jack says it doesn't matter because it doesn't exist anymore. Esther says okay, but...what was the deal with the pictures in that file of a guy who looked just like you except the pictures were taken back during WWII. He evades, saying that must have been his dad or something, then gets distracted when he realizes he hurt his arm in that confrontation. He mutters as much out loud and Esther notes that all things considered they were really lucky. He shakes his head and gets back to the point. Torchwood was founded in 1879 to defend Great Britain against weird, supernatural and alien bullshit. Esther blinks and says "I'm guessing 'alien' doesn't mean foreign." Chrissy: Nah, we're MORE hostile to foreigners. Diandra: She's from America. Chrissy: Right. So she should understand the concept. Jack says yeah, he means little green men. Except they're not all green. That's racist. The funny thing is that what's going on right now is exactly the sort of thing they used to investigate. Esther says okay, also...the data says everybody died but there's no death date on the picture of Gwen Cooper. Jack says yeah, she's the last survivor. He's vowed to keep her safe, and part of doing that involves burying anything having to do with Torchwood. Esther notes that he's not doing a very good job of that since they all got an email last night that said "TORCHWOOD". Jack says that wasn't him. Obviously. He doesn't know who it was, but it got his attention. Chrissy: Um...let's assume that's why they did it. Diandra: Oh, look who's paying attention. Good for you. Want a cookie? Chrissy: Nah. I'll take a beer though. Jack says he's been removing all traces the virus, or whatever it was, existed ever since, including retconing people. He waits for her to ask what that is, then prompts her when she doesn't take the bait. He says it's a drug that causes selective amnesia. Esther, apparently not being an idiot, looks at the water bottle she's been drinking from during this scene and realizes why Jack gave it to her. He assures her she won't remember a thing and catches her when she slumps sideways. Rex is watching a news report of the explosion at the CIA archives and telling somebody over the phone that this is a "gift". He asks if the victims are dead or not. Apparently he's talking to Doctor Juarez, who says he's not the first person to think of looking into that and she would be grateful, as his doctor, if he would stop trying to investigate the case and get some rest already. Rex says wait...what? Who else is investigating this? Somebody else is there already? Juarez eyes the men in military uniform as she says she can't talk right now but he should check the "ringmain". She hangs up and walks with the officers down the hallway until Jack cuts them off, waving an FBI badge. I assume it is actually an FBI badge and not psychic paper, but we don't see it so who knows? Chrissy: Psychic... Diandra: I'll explain later. Back in his room, Rex flags down a nurse to ask what the ringmain is. The nurse says it's the internal security system. So Rex calls the main desk and demands to speak to the chief of security. Morgue. The ME cues a guy with a camera to start recording when Juarez et al walk through the door. He starts talking about the explosion at the CIA archive, but we cut away midsentence to Rex hacking into the security system and somehow immediately pulling up the feed for the camera behind the ME's head. We go back to the ME who starts stammering that one of the victims is...er...actually, he has no idea what the hell this is and they brought him in because he's an expert. He gestures for his assistants to uncover the body, which is the guy who had the bomb strapped to him. He's totally flattened and charred beyond recognition, but what's left of his chest is still moving with wheezing breaths. Chrissy: Oh, hello desensitized American cable viewers. Diandra: Yeah. Forgot to warn you. Chrissy: Dude, we both watch "The Walking Dead". Diandra: Yeah, but...this is still worse somehow. The ME says the guy is obviously not indestructible given the flayed state of his body, but he's not dying. Or he's ever- living. Something. "We're going to need a new vocabulary" because this is apparently happening all over the world. Juarez looks at the zombie's blinking eyes and asks if he's actually conscious. Jack interrupts, waving his badge around again and introducing himself as Owen Harper, to ask what would happen if the head was detached. Juarez looks at him like 'who the fuck invited you, Captain Morbid?' The ME thinks that's a good question actually and Juarez yelps in horror as he puts his goggles on and reaches for something that looks like garden sheers. She says this man is their PATIENT and this flies in the face of basically ALL ethics. ME says yeah, okay, your protest has been noted. Let's dissect this guy already. He severs the stringy remains of the guy's neck with a bunch of sounds the closed captioning refers to as "tearing and crunching" and everyone focuses really hard on not losing their lunch, including Rex back in his room watching the camera feed. The head rolls to the side and the ME steps back. Juarez creeps closer, only to recoil as the eyes snap open. The ME announces that this can't possibly be a virus or evolution causing this. It is direct intervention by...somebody? Something? Juarez asks how the hell anyone could have done this. ME says it's obviously someone with technology far more advanced than anything on this planet. Yes, the aliens figured out they could take over the planet by turning the humans into zombies and waiting for them to kill each other before landing their ships. Welcome to the original plot of "The Walking Dead". Chrissy: Wait...seriously? Diandra: Yes. This is how Robert Kirkman sold it to AMC. Look it up. Back in Wales, Gwen and Rhys pull up to some sort of candlelight vigil that appears to be being held in the middle of a street. Andy greets them and hugs Gwen, then awkwardly greets Rhys who is fishing their kid from the back seat. Andy says Gwen's dad had a heart attack on Saturday night. Luckily it was a mild one. The one on Sunday wasn't so mild, but he's stable and out of ICU now, so...clearly he picked the right day to have a nearly fatal problem. Gwen, who has been living out in the middle of nowhere, has no idea what he's talking about. Andy points out the people gathered around and says hospitals have become the new churches with people congregating like this like they're worshipping the doctors. Gwen is like...um...explain this to me like I haven't been watching the news for at least several months. Andy grumbles and gives Gwen an abbreviated explanation of what has been happening the last couple days. Inside, Gwen runs to her father's room. Her mother, sitting by the bed, jumps up and protests that she TOLD Gwen to stay away because it's not safe. Gwen is like 'yeah, and you should have known how well that would go over'. Then Mum gets distracted by the baby and flits over to Rhys so she can hold her. Gwen sits on her dad's bed and smiles at him. He woozily validates her mom that she should not have come. She says well, that's just too bad, isn't it? "And you can stop all this nonsense, okay? I want you up and out of this bed, lazy old thing." Chrissy: And we confirm that women marry men who are just like their dads by having her talk to her dad the same way she talks to Rhys. Diandra: Thank you, Doctor Freud. Dad turns to the granddaughter Mum is holding on the other side of the bed and calls her Princess. Mum grumbles that she's HUGE. Uh...yeah. Kids that age are fat. Chrissy: Do we have a name for grandma? Because I vote we call her Malory. Diandra: How did I know you would go for the "Archer" reference? Chrissy: Dude. Hello. Gwen says she's perfectly normal. Mum barrels on that she thought they were being "frugal" and what are they feeding her? Straight up lard? Yes, she's definitely Malory Archer. Chrissy: See? Gwen says yes, yes she's feeding her lard. Make sure you keep telling her that so she can have an eating disorder when she's a teenager. Rhys begs them to stop it and mum apologizes and reaches for Gwen's hand over dad's bed. Mum asks what Gwen thinks is happening. What's causing this never-ending life thing? Dad asks if he's supposed to be dead right now. Gwen doesn't know. Dad says this is the sort of thing the people she worked with used to deal with, isn't it? Gwen says yeah, but...Torchwood is gone. She starts sobbing and says there's no one else left, it's just her and she's sorry but she has no idea what to do right now. Somewhere in America...I think. Jack climbs a fire escape into a deserted apartment where he has a little work station set up with laptops and box crate tables. He eats beans right out of a pot while he reads articles about this Miracle Day phenomenon. Chrissy: I'm not sure if this is supposed to indicate he's in hiding, but it kind of looks like pretty standard living for a single person. Diandra: Yeah. Especially if you can't afford much in the way of furniture. I mean...not that I have personal experience with that or anything. Gwen and Andy are looking at the same articles. Apparently things have gotten so insane that Somalians have stopped fighting. Wow, that's...yeah. Syrians too, presumably. And basically the entire Middle Eastern region. Andy points out that warfare stops sounding like a good idea when the bodies can't die. He suggests she look at North Korea. Gwen pulls up an article that announces they're mobilizing the troops. Andy thinks that actually makes sense that they'd be spoiling for a fight when nobody else is because they just realized they are invincible. Gwen, acting as exposition fairy, says this phenomenon must be restricted to humans because this one website points out that if insects weren't following the normal cycle of life pattern the planet would be overrun with them already. So what the ME said is basically right: this has to be targeted and deliberate. Andy, nudges Gwen aside so he can get at the keyboard. He pulls up a Wikipedia article (shame on you, Andy) that says 300,000 people die on average every day on Earth. He does some quick calculations to conclude that between that and the 500,000 born every day, we're basically increasing the human population by a million every other day. On a planet already suffering from an overpopulation of humans draining its resources. How long before we run out of food? Andy says according to this one guy he heard on the radio we have about four months before society collapses. Chrissy: And then the aliens take over. Diandra: It's actually a plot orchestrated by some government bigwigs working with the aliens. Chrissy: Yes, I saw "X-Files" too. That was supposed to happen on December 21st 2012 as I recall. Diandra: Yeah? So? This season aired in 2011, back when that still seemed possible and Chris Carter wasn't dreaming up ways to walk back his entire mythology. Chrissy: He wasn't? Diandra: ...yeah, he's probably been doing that since the nineties, actually. Rhys interrupts to ask what they're doing. Andy babbles that he was just asking Gwen for advice like he was caught with his hand up her skirt or something. Rhys says yeah, whatever, Gwen promised she wasn't going to do any investigations. They're just here to see her father. Oh, who are you kidding? Did you see her just break down in tears on her father because she's feeling helpless? Gwen invites Rhys to come look at something with her. She shows him the intensive care patients whose beds are parked in a hallway nearby because there's no room for them anymore. She asks what Rhys thinks is going to happen if this keeps up. Rhys says yes, but every time she investigates things she winds up in danger. She points out that that's because she's on the front lines and she can HELP. "Don't you dare," Rhys snaps. Chrissy: Because husbands forbidding women from doing things always works. Rhys tries (and mostly fails) to calm down as he explains that if she's thinking Miracle Day is Torchwood jurisdiction then others will too. And they will come after her with guns. Well, she's already retreated to the middle of nowhere with a whole arsenal and acts jumpy every time a stranger talks to her, so...if you're going to live in fear either way it might help to at least try to DO something about it. But, he argues that now that they have a daughter it's different. They moved to the middle of nowhere to keep Anwen safe. And now they need to go back there and get away from the city with all its cameras and potential threats. Gwen argues that her dad is SICK. Rhys says yeah, but nobody is dying so clearly he's going to survive. And probably Anwen is going to live forever too. Gwen snaps at Rhys to NOT bring her into this, just...really? Could she? Rhys says yeah, maybe. So maybe Gwen should...you know...just let this thing happen. Chrissy: Yeah, forget all those conversations you had with Jack about immortality, Gwen. Diandra: Or, you know, any sci-fi you may have seen or read about an immortal ever. Gwen looks at the ICU beds all over the hall again and sighs "let's go home." Esther wakes up face down on a bed. She hobbles over to a full length mirror and pulls up her shirt to reveal a massive bruise on her side. She hisses and mutters "what the hell?" Meanwhile, Jack is looking at a similar bruise in a similar mirror in horror. Esther arrives at work where a woman passive-agressively notes that it must have been nice having the morning off. Esther is like yeah, um...I uh...had a thing. The guy she was talking to earlier - the one who isn't Rex - drops a file on her desk and says she owes him one because it turns out this is the last remaining copy of the file on Torchwood. She frowns at it and slips it in her desk drawer. Rex calls to ask if there's a database to correlate mortality rates for all the hospitals in the world. Esther says hi, good morning, you know you're not supposed to be using a cell phone in a hospital, right? Rex is like yeah, whatever, is anybody talking to morticians? Esther says the whole phenomenon is pretty intangible. Like trying to prove a negative. How do you investigate the ABSENSE of a normal process? She says also, all the Torchwood stuff has gone up to Freidkin. Rex asks what Torchwood has to do with this. Esther pulls the file out again and, straining to remember despite the retcon, says there was a connection, wasn't there? Rex doesn't think so. He thinks that was a totally separate thing she kept trying to nag him about. Why is she bringing it up? Esther says she doesn't know, it's just that...um...it came up at the same time, which is...a weird coincidence. Rex sighs and asks what Torchwood is. Esther flips through the file and says they're a "British intervention agency" that specialized in Fringe science. Sorry, X-files. I mean..."456 cases and above". Rex asks when that first email that just said "Torchwood" came though. Esther says Sunday night at 22:36. Rex searches through the pile of papers he's been going through and announces that, according to his research, that was the exact time the last death was reported on the planet. Esther says well, they're not 100% on that because some say the last one was on Monday. Rex points out that at 22:36 in DC it is already morning in CHINA, which is where that death was reported because time zones are a thing. So basically, Esther was right: it is all connected. Torchwood is the key. Um...how did you get that from...forget it. Rex scrambles from the bed and starts getting dressed, ripping all his sensors off and making the alarms bleat. A nurse runs in to protest that he's going to kill himself and he snaps that he CAN'T and that's the POINT. Somehow dressed within seconds, Rex hobbles out the door past the annoyed nurse and asks Esther for the names again. Esther reads them from the file: Captain Jack Harkness and Gwen Cooper. There's nothing more on Jack and Gwen hasn't been sighted in the past year. All case details have been censored by UNIT. Rex grabs a crutch, snatches a bottle of pills from a cart and tosses ALL of them in his mouth. Then he grabs another bottle and shoves it in his pocket for later. When somebody tries to get in his way he growls at them that he's CIA. Doctor Juarez comes running and asks what the HELL he thinks he's doing because he is in NO condition to... Rex grabs an unused wheelchair and plops in it, announcing that he's FAR too busy right now and he is leaving whether she likes it or not and flying to the United Kingdom. He orders Esther to book him the flight and get him a requisition 15. She asks what he needs clearance to take a handgun on a plane for. Rex points out that she kind of just answered her own question, so...you know...BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT ALREADY. As Rex's taxi is pulling up outside the airport, Esther announces that the flight is scheduled for two in the morning, but the requisition was refused. He tells her to get him a gun from UK security then. A woman practically accosts him as he's getting out of the cab, waving an American passport and babbling in Spanish that she has his passport. Apparently, he knows who she is because he calls her Rosita and tells her that he doesn't KNOW when he's coming back, so QUIT NAGGING. He hands her the crutch and takes the passport, instructing her to under no circumstances let her husband come into his house. "No husband-o!" Chrissy: I love how when British people show typical Americans it's always cowboys with Southern accents or black people and everyone has Mexican housekeepers. Diandra: Yeah. Aren't stereotypes adorable? Rex flops into a seat on the plane and continues with the world's longest cell phone conversation. Chrissy: Sir, you're not supposed to use phones on planes either... Diandra: CIA! I'M CIA! He asks what they know about Gwen Cooper. Esther is arriving home now, so I guess we can assume they've been repeatedly calling each other instead of just keeping the line open for the past several hours. She rattles off Gwen's history with the police and her start date with Torchwood of October 2006. Rex thinks they should start with the police history. Who did she work with? Who did she train with? Esther opens a screen on her laptop that has a login. She says she can't get into the database without his password because...you know...he was the one getting special clearance for that case and a possible promotion. Someone off camera, not taking his CIA credentials as an excuse, rips his phone right from his hands and cuts the signal before Rex can reply. Chrissy: You can see me at the end of the flight if you want it back. Diandra: I would say that's such a teacher thing to say, but...well, teachers can't actually get away with that in this country anymore. Chrissy: I know. It's sad. The plane touches down at Heathrow at 9 am. Rex gets on his phone to continue the conversation six hours or so after being cut off. Esther seems to have spent that entire time sitting in front of the laptop waiting for him to give her the password. He gives her the password and blathers about level one filters and red flags and Homeland Security. He is greeted by a guy who presents him with a gun in a briefcase. Esther announces that she already has a hit: Sergeant Andrew Davidson, unofficial liaison to Gwen. Rex swallows the second bottle of pills as he's driving across the bridge into Wales, which he identifies as "the British equivalent of New Jersey". Yes. Yes, it is. Esther, who has been working to pull up Andy's cell phone records, announces that he made a call on Tuesday to a number on the "Hickman register". She explains that that's what they call a list of numbers reserved for people in witness protection. She sends him the coordinates just as he sees the house in the distance. So he barges right through the garden gate and is welcomed within seconds by an armed Gwen opening the door. He pulls out his own gun and barks "CIA!" Gwen says yeah? And? He just coughs and collapses face first in the grass. Well, that could have gone better. Back to news coverage of Oswald Danes being released on parole in Kentucky. Apparently some charity called "Freedom and Liberty" forced a ruling by declaring it an act of God, which the state now has to disprove. I just...ugh. Fucking bible belt. Oswald is driven through a crowd of angry protesters who scream and bang on the car as it passes. In Wales, Gwen announces to Rex, who is now tied to a radiator, that they are leaving and she will call an ambulance for him once they are a safe distance away. She tells him not to bother trying to follow them. Except she is really bad at tying people up because it only takes him a couple minutes to undo the knots with his teeth and he staggers out of the room to find her still standing in the hallway with Anwen in her arms. She waves a gun at him again. Actually, it turns out RHYS is the one who tied him up because as he rounds the corner she chastises him for obviously doing a shitty job. Rhys mutters that he's never tied anyone up before. Chrissy: Not that I haven't tried, but you always claim you have a headache. Diandra: I'm just...going to...pretend you didn't put that image in my head. Chrissy: Good luck with that. Gwen grumbles that Rhys always claims men are good at knots. He says yeah, with the string on Christmas gifts. Really? That's all you've got? Chrissy: By the way, I still have that big red bow I used on my... Diandra: If you value our friendship, you will stop talking right now. Rex, who has officially had enough of this shit, snaps that he was skewered through the chest with a pole, died, came back to life, and had to pay some bullshit toll on the bridge coming over from England like what the fuck is that about? and he just wants to know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. A helicopter flies overhead as he continues talking about Torchwood and Miracle Day until he is drowned out by the noise. He turns to see the helicopter hovering outside the window and asks what the hell that guy is doing. Rhys says it's some sort of tourist thing, which...yeah, I'm pretty sure tourist helicopters don't get that close to a residence. The helicopter turns sideways and a guy in the back lifts a missile launcher to his shoulder. Gwen kisses the baby and yells at everyone to get down, diving off to the side as the missile sails straight through the house and explodes way at the back of it, basically missing them. Gwen comes back out, baby still on one arm, puts on her best stone cold bitch face and shoots the guy who just fired the missile. Somehow she is perfectly accurate from that distance. The helicopter flies away, but she marches down the hallway continuing to fire at it anyway. And the whole way, the baby on her arm has this big doofy grin like YEEHAW, THIS IS AWESOME! Seriously, it's hilarious and perfect and I love it. They all run out to the car, the helicopter coming back and chasing them, shooting wildly. Then somebody else is shooting at the helicopter. It flies past Jack, standing on the seat of an open Jeep, firing a machine gun. As the helicopter flies away again he turns to have his superhero moment, cockily noting that he can't leave Gwen alone for a minute without all hell breaking loose. Before we can ask how he managed to get here when he was in America two scenes ago, Rex gapes at him and says "it's you." We flash back to the cell phone being ripped out of his hand on the plane. It turns out it was Jack sitting beside him, who smiles and says the nice lady told him to turn off the phone. Back in the present, Jack, posturing with the machine gun on his shoulder, says yeah, and maybe now he'll think twice about ever annoying him again. Rex rolls his eyes and they all pile in the Jeep before the helicopter circles back. And now we have a chase scene along the beach to blow out half the budget for this entire season right out of the gate. Rhys yelps that there's a BABY back here, for God's sake and Jack yells something about checking the back and tells "CIA" to make himself useful. Rex grumbles about the insanity that is Wales and stands up so he can shoot the machine gun back at the helicopter. The chase ends as Jack skids sideways to a stop and Gwen stands up with the bazooka she found in the back, blasting the helicopter, which does a barrel roll right over the Jeep before crashing and bursting into flame. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, Rex awkwardly asks who the hell they are anyway and Gwen growls "Torchwood". Chrissy: Clunk. Diandra: Yeah, it's still the same writers. That night, they are gathered on the steps near the park near what used to be the hub. Gwen concludes whatever discussion they were apparently just having by saying that Rhys will take the baby to her mum's. She asks Jack what else he has at his disposal besides the weaponry. She says she has the "Eye-5"s, which...is that a gun or the shitty contact lens cameras? Rhys mutters something about how he just KNEW she would go running off to Jack the minute there was any trouble. Chrissy: Shut up, Rhys. Diandra: Thank you. Gwen points out that she doesn't exactly have many options here. She looks to Jack for support and realizes that he's a bit...distracted. She asks what's going on and he says he cut his arm. Gwen says okay, well...slightly more important problems to deal with here. Chrissy: But how very like a man to whine about his little boo boo. Jack says she doesn't understand and holds up his arm to display a new wound he apparently got in the last scene to illustrate that it isn't healing. HE isn't healing. Chrissy: Hasn't that happened before with non life- threatening wounds? Diandra: Yes. Chrissy: Okay, so... Diandra: What, you expect consistency from the writers in the eleventh hour? Chrissy: Right. I guess not. Gwen recognizes the potential seriousness of this and, when Rhys grumbles about it just being a cut, says no, see, because on the day the whole world becomes immortal... Jack finishes that he is now mortal. At least as far as we can tell without giving him more than a superficial wound. Rex asks what the hell they're going on about and Jack snaps at him to shut up. And then a bunch of police cars come screaming up and officers with guns surround the group. Gwen identifies Andy, hanging back next to Rex, and begs him not to do this. Andy apologetically says he had to because Rex is in charge now. Chrissy: And we continue with the theme of Americans just charging in and taking over everything. Diandra: It's what we do best. Rex says this isn't an arrest. It's a rendition. "On behalf of the CIA, under the 456 amendments to the US code 3184 I'm extraditing this so-called Torchwood team to the United States of America." To be continued.