"Torchwood: Miracle Day, episode 2: Rendition" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Kai Owen, Mekhi Phifer, Alexa Havins, Bill Pullman Are we really going to have to do an introduction by Russell and John for every episode of this season? They provide absolutely no information and would better serve as introductions to behind the scenes extras. Chrissy: Well, this one sort of had one statement of note: Russell assured viewers that the Oswald Danes thing DOES fit into the story and we should be patient with it. Diandra: Because it's always reassuring when the people behind the show promise that they HAVE A PLAN, really! And the credits now feature a card explaining that "one day...no one dies. Next day...no one dies. And the next. And the next..." it shows the world population at six billion and increasing wildly. At 11 am London time, a bunch of police vehicles and SUVs pull up to an airplane parked right on the tarmac. Gwen, Jack and Rhys pile out, wearing cuffs. Gwen yelps that they can't do this because she is a BRITISH CITIZEN. Rhys grumbles that she must not have been paying attention while she was playing alien catcher because the Americans have been doing this shit for years. Chrissy: Hey! We resemble that statement. Rex swoops over and asks what he's going to do about it. Write to his MP? Diandra: Yeah, you're not...that's not helping. He spins on Jack, addressing him as "World War Two" and announces that he's confiscating his wrist strap. Jack mutters that it's harmless. Rex says yeah? Well, then he won't mind. Rex saunters over to an Asian woman and asks what the hell she's doing here. She says she's been ordered to help him escort the prisoners to Langley. Rex protests that this op is HIS and the CIA will not take it from him. She invites him to go urinate somewhere in the plane so he can claim that's his to. I'm not kidding. While he's stewing over that, she says they need to get a move on because this op is costing a lot and governments on both sides of the Atlantic are asking questions. Back over with what's left of the original team, Gwen asks how Jack is doing. He says he's fine. He's just mortal, not terminal. Although he supposes he is dying very slowly like every other mortal now... Gwen says whatever is happening MUST have something to do with him. Jack snottily asks if she's saying it's HIS fault now. Gwen says it can't be a coincidence. Rhys jumps in to say no, it's not a coincidence, but it's also not his fault. Jack is baffled that Rhys is defending him now. Rhys points out that it's like everything has been switched around: everything mortal is now immortal and vice versa. Jack and Gwen pause to think about that and Rhys gloats that he can be useful on occasion. Chrissy: Yeah. Keep telling yourself that, sweetie. Before we can wonder what the CIA could possibly need him for and whether they sent the baby to grandma yet, Rex comes back to order them split up. They're sending Rhys back to Whales and taking Jack and Gwen on the plane. Because I guess they just realized Rhys has nothing to do with Torchwood. Don't know why they cuffed him and brought him to the airfield in the first place then, but... Chrissy: Shhhh...no thinking. Diandra: You should seriously stitch that on a pillow. One of the cops is holding the baby too, so...whatever. We couldn't have done this scene back at Millenium Stadium? Gwen starts shrieking about them taking her daughter away from her and she's coming BACK, damnit, the whole way up the stairs into the plane. Bleeping credits. God, it feels good to say that. When we come back the plane is already in the air. An attendant apologetically brings Rex the only pain relief he could find: an aspirin that was in the co pilot's pocket. Chrissy: Wait...seriously? Isn't there supposed to be some emergency supplies somewhere? Diandra: Probably like any other emergency medical kit you'd find in a public vehicle. It might have some tylenol. Rex accepts the pill despite it having recently been covered in lint for god-knows-how-long and tells the attendant "I'm not gay, but I'll let you feel me up if you go get me a vodka." Chrissy: Um...sir? Seeing as how you can't die, I see no reason why I should feel bad if your inappropriate comments result in me throwing you out of the airplane at cruising altitude. The attendant says um...he's not gay either. Rex says he'll let him feel up the Asian lady then. Chrissy: Seriously, sir. We don't even care if we risk bringing the whole plane down. It would be WORTH IT. Diandra: Of course, then they'd probably have to spend the rest of eternity like that guy in the morgue. Chrissy: Oh. Right. Maybe not. Instead of pointing out how deeply offensive Rex is being, Asian lady just points out that they're on duty and therefore he shouldn't be drinking. Rex grumbles that it's MEDICINAL and it's not like their prisoners are going anywhere for the time being. What? Are they just going to jump out of the plane? He adds what many viewers probably took as an ominous piece of self awareness: "sit back and relax. The next six hours are going to be filled with boredom, followed by monotony." Chrissy: Oh, I didn't know the in flight movie was a Stanley Kubrick marathon. Rex goes into the tiny airplane bathroom and we watch from inside the mirror as he unbuttons his shirt and prods at the bandage on his wound. Chrissy: What is it with guys on this show fingering their holes? Diandra: Thank you for continuing to describe it like that, Chris. So charming. Chrissy: Hey, you're the one who keeps asking me to help you with these recaps. He flashes back on his conversation with Juarez about why he can't die and whether he's going to be in pain for the rest of his life. He swallows the aspirin. Outside, Jack looks around the plane that is empty but for the four of them and notes to Gwen that they've spent a lot of money on this. Taxpayer money, specifically, to fly two people to America on a 747. Gwen, tears sliding down her cheek, just grumbles about how every time Jack shows up everything goes to shit. CIA. Esther is with a small group of people watching a YouTube video some deeply disturbed person made of Oswald's failed execution put to music. Esther mildly notes that some people really don't have anything better to do with their time. Like, you know, torturing stray animals because that's the sort of thing someone who delights in obvious suffering would do. I really don't give a flying fuck what he did. If you're laughing at a guy gasping for breath and writhing from the liquid fire being pumped into his veins you are automatically something far worse than he was. You're a psychopath. Although, as the guy who found the video points out: he didn't actually die. So it's okay to delight in his torture. Whatever. I hate people. Apparently it's 8am and Esther is looking really good for someone who as far as we know has only slept in the past couple days when she was dosed with Retcon. Esther and another woman walk away from the group and the woman notes that actually the fact that enemies can't be killed has increased violence in some areas. A Hutu village was reportedly destroyed, and everyone's heads were bashed in with hammers before they were thrown into a pit and bulldozed over. Jesus. Esther says she got a report yesterday about the effect of the death of reincarnation on the Hindu population in India. She predicted they would start a war with Pakistan because there's no longer any threat of the afterlife keeping them in check. Except this morning the Indian PM announced he wanted to reconcile with Pakistan because if they only have one life now they have to make it count. Esther is using this as an example of the unpredictability of human nature in the face of extraordinary circumstances. She opens her email to find a message informing her that Rex is on his way back. "And he's bringing Torchwood with him," she mutters. The woman asks if Esther is ever going to let that subject go. Esther goes to talk to this Mr. Friedkin she kept talking about in the last episode: the one who confiscated all the info on Torchwood. He is played by a total "Hey It's That Guy" who is best remembered as the asshole who let all the dinosaurs out of their pens in Jurassic Park and got eaten by a poison spitting raptor. Chrissy: Honestly, I'm more alarmed by the fact that he hasn't aged in the past twenty years. Esther introduces herself as an analyst who was liasing with Rex on the rendition and... Freidkin interrupts that that's a classified matter now and they shouldn't be talking about it. She simpers yes, but...the way all mention of Torchwood online just DISAPPEARED... She says she spent six months "compiling the malware list" and she finds this fascinating and thought she might be able to help. Friedkin asks if Esther is thinking of changing "directorates" and following Rex into whatever insanity he considers "fun". "So uh..." he hedges. "You were working closely with him? He's...keeping you up to date?" She says yes, they make a good team. Chrissy: Are we supposed to think Esther and Rex are sleeping together? Diandra: If I remember correctly, they are. Chrissy: Oh, well then...in that case. Yes, sir, we really compliment each other. You might say he fills my gaps. Diandra: You're disgusting. Chrissy: Oh, whatever. You love me. Friedkin says he'll be sure to keep that in mind and dismisses her. The minute she leaves, he starts running a search on her. Somewhere over the Atlantic, Jack is assuring Gwen he had no idea Rex would do something like this. Really? For someone with an American accent you really don't know much about Americans. Gwen hisses that that's besides the point: anybody who gets sucked into his orbit can kiss their former normal life goodbye. But what really pisses her off is that she has to nearly get blown up to get his attention. He says what, did she miss him? Gwen says yes before he even finishes the question. She makes a face like 'goddamn it yes and I HATE myself for it' and talks about how she was beginning to think she'd be an old lady before he just dropped into her life again to visit her granddaughter. Chrissy: It's actually one of her deepest fears: that her granddaughter will wind up dating him. Diandra: I think that might be the fear of everyone who has ever known him. She asks where he disappeared to. He cryptically says "a long way away". Unlike last time, this isn't a reference to anything in the Doctor Who universe unless you count that brief thing at the space bar when the Doctor was dying. Gwen asks if it helped. Jack makes a noise like he's not sure if he can answer that. Rex returns from the bathroom and plops in front of them, waving Jack's wrist strap. He asks what the hell this thing is anyway. It doesn't do anything but beep. Jack says huh...must be broken...might as well give it back then. Rex doesn't fall for that. He asks if it measures his mortality or something. Jack notes that Rex still doesn't believe him about the mortal thing. "The whole world can't die, but I'm the one who's being ridiculous." Gwen is like 'back to the point over here...' what happens to them when they get to the colonies...er...states? Rex says they'll be interrogated. Gwen rants that that would make him an idiot because they don't know anything and if they did he could have just ASKED instead of pulling this bullshit. Rex apologizes for not explaining this better earlier: he's pretty sure they don't know anything. They're not that smart. What they are is "connected" to this whole Miracle Day thing somehow and someone wants them dead for it. He just wants to work out how they are connected and hopefully it will help solve the problem. Jack asks if anybody is looking into "morphic fields" then. Rex is like 'the what now?' Jack spews something about Sheldrake theory and connective information and morphic resonance. Rex understandably assumes he's just bullshitting, but Jack says "the theory states that a bunch of monkeys on an island learn how to use a rock as a knife. Then a bunch of monkeys on another island 10,000 miles away also learn how to use a rock as a knife because they're connected through a morphic field." Rex dismisses this as science fiction. Or maybe Noetic Science. Jack says no, it's not a theory. The most amazing thing about the Miracle is not that nobody is dying anymore because the whole human race became immortal, it's that it happened to the entire population at once. It was a morphic event of previously unheard of proportions. "Whatever is happening to this planet, it is massive." Rex just stares at him, unimpressed. Jack adds that by the way: that beeping is telling him that his sodium level is low. Asian lady sends an email to Friedkin, noting that Jack just suggested they investigate morphic fields. Friedkin looks at this like 'goddamn it, I picked the wrong day to quit drinking.' He sends a text to somebody, but we don't see anything specific. Chrissy: Eh, he's probably just inviting Pullman to a bar after work so they can commiserate about working with Jeff Goldblum. Outside, Esther is watching a news report where the talking head is discussing the fact that some are saying the human race is two months from "Malthusian disaster". I didn't realize we had an official name for the result of population outpacing its own ability to sustain itself, but there you go. The "expert" the talking head is talking to claims our species is capable of adapting to this new reality (yeah, right). We always find a way. Talking head asks how we're supposed to adapt if we strip the planet entirely of resources. This was happening BEFORE people stopped dying and the surplus population went completely unchecked. The "expert" is confident in humans having the capacity to deal with such challenges. Chrissy: Ahahahahahahaha! Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to sound cynical there. The talking head ends the interview and gives a preview of what's to come later in the show. A psychologist will give her expert opinion on how this "miracle" will affect suicide rates and whether suicide even technically exists anymore and the talking head will interview Oswald Danes because ratings. This is setup so we understand why we cut to the backstage area of a television studio where Oswald is picking at the food service table. Actually he's stuffing a bunch of packaged goods and fruits into a bag for later, which is probably very common behavior for someone just out of prison. A crew member comes over to remind him that this stuff is meant to be for everybody. He says yeah, well...he was just in solitary confinement for six years and he's pretty sure they were pissing in his food. She flusters and says well...but, he's not IN prison anymore, so... He says yeah, he's free on a cosmic technicality, but who knows when this is all going to reverse because they're going to reach a breaking point eventually. He points to the armed guard sitting nearby and says he's supposed to be his escort, but he's really just waiting to take him back to prison. Also, finding a job is going to be impossible as nobody would hire him and he's going to have a mob outside his door for the rest of eternity or until this "miracle" is over, whichever comes first. So, he concludes, he's taking food when he can find it. He stuffs a couple mini sandwiches in his mouth and the crew member makes a face and expresses the sincere wish that he choke on that. At the CIA, Friedkin's flip phone beeps and a little spinning triangle appears on the screen with the word "remove". He shuts it and turns to his computer, where he types a response to the Asian lady's email about investigating. On the plane, she looks at the one word response of "remove" and then looks over at Jack. Rex, totally oblivious to everything as usual, is calling Doctor Juarez. He calls himself her favorite patient and says she has something he wants. Bless her, she is not in the least bit impressed by his bullshit. She just grumbles that he sounds like her ex husband. Rex asks if he usually calls begging for drugs and sex. She says yep. Bastard. Rex laughs and then says seriously...does he have low sodium levels? Juarez says uh...yeah, actually, but she was more concerned with the gaping hole in his chest and she figured it wasn't important. Rex calls the steward to bring him some salty pretzels. Chrissy: Yeah, sure. Just give me some time to rub them all over my balls first because NOBODY LIKES YOU. Diandra: You know...I just realized something. He might be the new Owen. At least he is for you. Chrissy: Oh, crapsticks. You're right. Ugh. Rex asks Juarez to meet him at the airport in six hours, with the promise to let her examine the world's last mortal man in exchange for more painkillers. Chrissy: Sadly, this is not the first time somebody has pimped Jack out. Diandra: It might be the first time he's unlikely to enjoy it though. Before Juarez can answer, a man with severe burns over nearly half his body is rushed into the emergency room, followed by a woman whose legs are shattered and a woman with some sort of neck or head damage. Juarez follows into triage as another doctor goes through shouting orders about each one of the patients. She mutters that they're going about this all wrong and takes charge of the room from the other doctor, reminding them that none of these people are going to die so they need to rethink how they run triage. The other doctor asks what she expects them to do. She says they need beds, so they need to do things backwards: treat the least severe injuries so they can move them out, then deal with the severe ones that aren't going anywhere. Recognizing the wisdom in this, the triage doctor starts giving orders again, reversing priorities. Juarez grumbles to a nurse that that's not something SHE is supposed to be doing. It falls under the duties of the dean. The nurse says yeah, well, she's in an emergency meeting of all the hospital administrators to figure out how to respond to this whole miracle thing. Juarez gripes that they couldn't possibly be making decisions about how to deal with this since they aren't actually the ones on the ground, you know, dealing with it. Yeah, welcome to every organization ever. Back on the airplane, Jack asks if he and Gwen could get something to drink. The attendant purses his lips and says he's not allowed to talk to them. Jack points out that he didn't say he had to TALK while he was doing it. Asian lady pipes up that it's okay, they can have water. Jack loudly protests that he can't "contribute to our global cultural hegemony" by getting a soda at least. Asian lady ignores him and follows the attendant to the food area, telling him to go see to Rex for a minute while she gets the prisoners' drinks. Yeah, that's not suspicious. The attendant reminds her that Rex already ordered vodka. Chrissy: GET OUT Once the attendant finally leaves, Asian lady opens a gel cap and spills the powder into a cup of soda. Because that actually does mask drugs better than water and it was so nice of Jack to suggest it. She hands the attendant that and a glass of water when he returns and he gives them to Jack and Gwen respectively, repeating that he's still not allowed to talk to them when Gwen asks how much longer this flight is. Chrissy: THEN STOP SAYING YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK, YOU TWINK Everyone settles again and Gwen starts talking about how she and Rhys were planning to plant roses in their front garden. Jack gulps his entire tiny glass of soda in one swallow and the Asian lady smiles evilly. Oswald's interview. The talking head says there's an emergency mandate going through the courts right now that was specifically written to try to send him back to prison. Oswald says yes and he will follow the letter of the law no matter how that turns out. Talking head presses him to address the fact that MANY people are enraged, disgusted, horrified, etc to know that he is a free man right now. The campaign to reverse the ruling that freed him has received a half million dollars in funding already. Oswald, who really isn't stupid, notes that anything he says in response would only further enrage people. Because this is not good for ratings, Talking Head further presses by throwing a picture of the little girl he killed up on the screen behind them and asking if he has anything to say NOW. Chrissy: If he doesn't, I'm sure her parents do. Diandra: Which is why this is irresponsible journalism, yes. Chrissy: Now days that's just called "journalism", sweetie. Talking head suggests he use this opportunity to say something to her family. Oswald twitches and looks around uncomfortably. At the CIA, the same group of people who apparently never do any actual work are watching and Esther's friend grumbles that they shouldn't be because he's a monster. Esther points out that it's their job to monitor everyone. Chrissy: Um...no. That would be the NSA. Diandra: I'm guessing there's a lot of overlap there. Also with Homeland Security. Esther exposits that public opinion is all over the place when it comes to Oswald because, yeah, he's a horrible person but he was saved by the miracle. Basically he's become the poster child for a discussion on whether there is a God and just how twisted her sense of humor is. Back in the television studio, Oswald's face twists and he splutters a couple times before bursting into tears and answering the talking head's question with "I'm sorry". The talking head, surprised, is like um...what? Oswald sobs and repeats that he's so, so sorry several times, looking at the girl's picture. The talking head recovers from his shock and points out that he never showed any sign of remorse the entire trial. Oswald whimpers that he couldn't because he was scared. He tried, really. At the CIA, Esther's friend mutters "poor bastard". The black guy who isn't Rex chastises her because Oswald doesn't deserve sympathy. Yeah, he also didn't deserve to be tortured, but you seemed to find that funny, so...don't pretend you have the moral high ground now. Friend says no, but...this whole thing is just such a clusterfuck. Talking head asks what the hell good "sorry" does now. Probably about as much good as killing him in revenge and calling it justice would. The talking head just keeps repeating the question until Oswald is a sobbing mess, wailing "sorry" over and over. The woman who expressed the wish that he choke earlier is crying. Chrissy: That is probably the best acting Bill Pullman has done his entire career. Diandra: Yeah, probably. NotRex turns off the TV at the CIA. Friend asks if Esther thinks Oswald was being sincere. Esther says it's not her job to have an opinion. In fact, it's more likely a hindrance as it could give her a bias. Friend says yeah, but one of these days she's going to have to actually take a stand on something because it's impossible to remain neutral ALL the time. Chrissy: Okay, fine. When a racist, misogynist man-child runs for president on a platform of open fascism I'll stop waffling take sides. Diandra: Because *that* will never happen. Right? [nervous laughter]....right? Oswald is headed for the elevator with his garbage bag full of food. The crew woman follows to apologize for what she said earlier. He looks at her like "really?" and thanks her. Before the elevator doors can close, a loud redhead barges her way in and starts riffling through her purse, asking if anyone knows what time it is. Oswald lifts his bodyguard's wrist to check his watch and announces that it's five after two. She babbles about how the battery in her watch died and she should really get in the habit of changing it once a year, preferably during a holiday, you know, so she remembers. But then of course she's too busy thinking of other things during the holidays. By the way, she caught the interview and she thought Oswald was very good. Oswald blinks and asks what she means. She says oh, that performance he gave in there; it was brilliant. He says it wasn't a performance. She says oh, sure. Of course not. Wink wink. She hands him her business card, saying she's in public relations for...someone other than this particular network. He sneers that he doesn't need her. She says sure he does because he has what is called a "high media quotient". He says yeah, everybody hates him. She says no, after that interview he's trending on Twitter with the hashtag "forgive". Because deep down people are stupid and easily swayed by bullshit. She says she'd need a commission, but she'd only take 10%. He points out that 10% of nothing is still nothing. She blinks and says wait...he didn't get paid to do that interview? He says uh, no. News shows don't really pay. She laughs at the absurdity of him doing that for free and, when the elevator stops and they get off, tells him she has to go because she's needed in Washington, but he should keep her card. "There's a reason the churches are empty. People don't want to hear about heaven. They'd rather hear from a man who has gazed into hell itself." Chrissy: Couldn't they just listen to you? I mean, we just met you but I'm thinking being stuck in a room with you for any length of time might give them a pretty good idea of what hell looks like. She adds that if the Devil himself were to walk the Earth he'd need representation. Chrissy: Almost there. Keep going. Oswald says if the Devil walked the Earth he would probably be working in PR. Chrissy: There it is. Diandra: Did I forget to hide the horns again? Silly me. The crew woman runs down the stairs next to the elevator suddenly and is glad to find Oswald still in the building because her boss sent her to flag him down. Oprah called and wants him on her show. Chrissy: Was it really that recently that she retired? Diandra: Apparently. Oswald smirks and tells the She Devil that he seems to be doing just fine without her. She invites him to keep her card anyway. He rips it up and throws it in the nearest trash. She gives him a huge, fake, toothy smile and stalks off to sacrifice a goat or something. Doctor Juarez arrives at "City Hall" in Washington DC at 11 am. The guy at the front desk checks her ID and tells her to sign in. She says um...she's not on the list. Nobody is expecting her. She's just a surgeon, not an administrator. Chrissy: Idiot. Just sign the damn sheet and let them figure that out later. Diandra: Hey, she's a doctor, not a spy! Chrissy: Did you just try to do that in Doctor McCoy's voice? Diandra: What do you mean "try"? Luckily, the lackey says this isn't his normal job either and she's not the first doctor here. Nobody really gives a shit anymore. Juarez wanders the halls of the building and we catch snippets of conversations from different panel discussions. Someone notes that skin cells are still dying, which is good. Also, all of our evolutionary cousins in the monkey family seem to be dying on their regular schedule, so humans are officially singled out somehow. Someone says they'll have to stop doing organ transplants in less than a day because they're running out of donors. Juarez goes into a room where a man declares this the "singularity", but that doesn't mean it's of this Earth. A woman calls him Simran and argues that he can't possibly mean this is some sort of extraterrestrial virus. Simran says he can't rule it out because they don't know of any Earthly viruses that can spread so rapidly. One of the guys around a table looks up hopefully as Juarez approaches, thinking she's the one bringing their coffee. He is disappointed as she introduces herself as a doctor. Another guy pipes up suddenly that they have word from Tel Aviv that all cellular necrosis has stopped. Somebody groans and says duh, welcome to several days ago. He says no, but they tried to KILL living tissue in the lab and it went into hibernation. The guy they called Simran asks what the hell kind of experiment they were running and what, exactly, they were doing that could be described as killing living tissue. Because it's not like lab rat testing works in this case, right? Juarez pipes up that she saw a guy who was blown up but somehow was able to move and open his eyes and show awareness despite his body no longer being capable of pumping oxygen to his brain. She concludes that it's like people are "too alive". Simran tells the guy who reported the Israeli thing to tell them they're nuts and knock off whatever the hell they're doing. The guy - Jim apparently - says the POINT is that the hibernation is not "fixed". "There's a natural oscillation they've been tracking. Simran, clearly just dumbing this down for the audience, says what, like somebody is turning a radio dial up and down on life? Chrissy: How do we dumb that down for Millennials who don't know what a radio is? Diandra: Is that like an iPod? You mean a volume button? Who uses iPods anymore anyway? Doesn't everybody just use their phone? Oh my god, you're not one of those dinosaurs who still uses a flip phone, are you? Jesus. I bet you have CDs and earbuds with cords too, just like my grandmother. Chrissy: If your point there was that Millennials are annoying, then congratulations because I want to punch you right now. Jim says well...yes, but basically they're just turning it up, not down. Another guy asks why "Howard" at Mass General keeps asking for more antibiotics. Chrissy: Because he's an asshole. Everybody knows that. Diandra: Yeah, fuck Howard. Jim brushes it off because they should have plenty of supplies and tries to go back to the Israeli thing. Juarez, reading the question from a message board that is being projected on a large screen, says no, wait...he's not asking for the hospital. He's talking about changing policies. We see the all caps post from "Doc Savior" that just says NEED MORE ANTIBIOTICS, NEW ANTIBIOTICS ASAP. She has another realization and announces that he's right. "The human race has become germ incubators." The people with infections who would normally have died are free to continue spreading their infections. The other medical personnel around the table add to that thought as they realize that the more antibiotics they give those people who can't die, the more resistant the germs become. Superviruses will be running rampant in less than a year. Juarez breaks the silence that follows this realization by saying that no matter how they look at this, it's going to get worse. Meanwhile, on the plane, Jack is beginning to look green and sweaty. He gets up and stumbles immediately. Rex catches him before he hits the floor and Asian lady orders him to get back in his seat. Jack gasps that he's going to throw up. Rex says he'll take him to the bathroom and grumbles about the irony of a guy dressed like he flew airplanes in the military being airsick as he escorts him away. Chrissy: Yeah, well, that was back when your grandfather was still trying to get in your grandmother's panties. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. Diandra: Thanks for that mental picture. Chrissy: Hey. If she hadn't gotten a leg up on him at least once, you wouldn't be here. Rex stays hovering nearby, the bathroom door open as Jack looks at himself in the mirror over the sink and announces that he looks AWFUL. Rex snorts that his looks are hardly the biggest concern here. Chrissy: It's Jack. That's always his biggest concern. Jack, whose lips are starting to look a little blue, says the timing of this is all very suspect. Somebody is trying to eliminate Torchwood. Rex says yeah, whatever. He probably just has food poisoning because certainly nobody on this plane would want to deliberately poison him. Jack agrees that it's possible every germ in the world would attack him at once because he hasn't had much chance to develop resistance to anything. He turns and vomits into the toilet. Rex asks if he's saying immortality leads to hypochondria. Chrissy: Uh, no. He's saying when an immortal becomes mortal they get very sick very fast. Like with all the worst diseases known to man. Diandra: He probably has the plague. CIA. Esther finds some guys in Rex's office going through files and ripping the hard drive out of his computer. She goes to ask girlfriend if she knows anything about this. She says she has nothing to do with it and she's really busy right now but she'll ask around later. Esther starts to go around the corner and freezes as she sees a couple guys dinging around her computer too. She waits until they leave and goes to log in, getting distracted by her phone ringing. The woman on the other end of the line says she's with Pacific Monument Bank and they want to discuss some investment options. Esther gets flustered, especially when she can't log in, and says now isn't really a good time and she doesn't HAVE anything to invest. The woman says oh, really? So you don't know about this $50,000 transferred to your account today? Esther splutters and asks who the hell it came from. The woman says she doesn't have a name, just a passcode. Oh, and it came from China. Chrissy: Oh, yeah, that sounds totally legit. Diandra: Hey, did you hear about this prince in Nigeria... Esther, still not able to log in after three tries, hangs up and starts gathering her things shakily. She grabs a key card belonging to a Charlotte Wills (oh, sure, NOW we get girlfriend's name) and sneaks away. Some guy with a mustache from the 70s gets on the phone to announce that they have locked down "her" desk, but they can't find her. Um...really? On the other end, Friedkin snips that she can't go anywhere without her chipped ID badge, so, you know...find it. The guy looks down at the badge she left in the trash can by her desk and says uh...we did. Friedkin asks which trash can. They wake up Charlotte's computer just as she comes back in the room and ask where her ID is. She goes rummaging in her purse for it. Meanwhile, Esther has made it to the elevator, where she listens to NotRex and some other lady discuss how China is threatening the UN with an economic meltdown. Esther zones out and makes lame excuses that she has a thing she needs to do when the elevator arrives at their floor and they get out. Then she calls to NotRex to "tell Forsyth I had to go to Cyber Division". Friedkin checks with security to figure out where "Charlotte" went. The guard follows her path to the elevator, but says he can't tell where she is now unless Friedkin wants to do a full security alert. Friedkin says no, this is just an "exercise". He thinks they should let them do their thing and see what happens. Chrissy: Yeah. Last time you said that people got eaten. Diandra: And not in a fun way! Phrasing. I'm sorry, I'll just show myself out. Chrissy: I'm so proud of you. NotRex cluelessly tells a couple guys where he saw Esther last and which direction she was headed. Thanks, buddy. Esther makes it to the parking garage and searches for the car the keys she found in Charlotte's purse belong to. Because she's stealing her car too. Security guard is telling Friedkin that she can't get out of the building with the wrong ID because she would have to pass at least one checkpoint. And a person is not as stupid as a machine. A person is, however, easily distracted, which Esther uses to her advantage to chat with the guard checking IDs on the way out of the garage about how many late shifts he's been working and they really don't pay him enough. He's so impressed that she actually notices him - because most of the people who work in the offices don't notice the schlubs who check IDs - that he neglects to really look at her ID despite the fact that she's acting twitchy and looking at it nervously. Chrissy: Hey, if terrible spies didn't have total morons willing to overlook obvious bullshit, Sydney Bristow would have been dead, like, fifty times a season. Plane. The twink who is still talking to Gwen and Jack despite repeatedly saying he's not supposed to says they don't have any sort of medications. Jack is back in his seat, looking very dazed and pale. Asian Lady reminds Twink he's not supposed to talk to them. Gwen asks what was in the drink he gave Jack. Twink splutters that he didn't POISON him if that's what she's asking. Gwen says well, it's quite a coincidence that he got sick right after drinking it, isn't it? He yelps that he didn't and prompts Asian Lady to back him up because "she was with me". Chrissy: Okay, well. I guess we know who's getting thrown out of the plane now. Asian Lady brushes it off, saying nobody has poisoned anybody here and they're being ridiculous. Gwen is like hold on...you were there...you said you were going to "supervise" while he poured the drinks...who the hell does that? WHAT DID YOU DO? Asian Lady accuses her of blaming ANYONE now. Gwen says well, it doesn't take Sherlock bloody Holmes to figure out that it was either her or "the big gay steward" and she's betting on her. Twink whines that he's NOT gay because he has priorities. Chrissy: Sure, honey. But your boyfriend is, right? Gwen begs Rex to search Asian Lady. Rex reminds her that nobody can die anyway, so what is the point of trying to kill Jack? Gwen asks what happens if he's wrong. Does he really want to present the CIA with one Welsh woman and a dead body? She keeps badgering him until Rex agrees to do it just to shut her up. Chrissy: We have discovered Gwen's superpower. Diandra: Getting people to do stuff just to get her off their back? Yeah. We discovered that a couple years ago. He goes to grab Asian Lady's bag and she yelps and tries to get it back. He backs up and goes through it until he finds the bag of pills. Asian Lady is offended that Gwen would assume any bag of suspicious pills in somebody's purse that they don't want anyone looking in is poison. Gwen invites her to take one then if it's just medicine. Rex agrees and holds one out to her. She rolls her eyes and says "why would I take that? It's poison." She says all she meant was that Gwen was making a huge assumption, but yes, she carries poison with her at all times because you never know when an agent needs to be taken out. Rex changes tactics and asks what kind of poison it is because there'd be no harm in that if she didn't poison Jack, right? She looks at the bag, looks at Jack, and basically makes a face like "uhhhhhhhhhhhh". Rex is like yeah, that's what I thought, and shoves her into her seat, cuffing her to the tray table. Jack asks to see the pills. Gwen fetches the bag. Jack thinks they might be Cyanide and asks if his lips are blue yet. Gwen says no. So he's not cyanotic yet. He fumbles open another pill while he babbles about a boyfriend who took arsenic once and it had the same consistency. Rex is like hold on...what? Jack says he was Slovenian and it supposedly gave him better skin. Rex realizes he's heard about that once, but that was way back in the 1800s... Gwen says yeah, let's worry about that later, how do you cure arsenic poisoning? Jack reaches for her hand and mutters that he has no idea. In the meeting at City Hall, Juarez's phone rings. It's Rex, wanting to know how to treat arsenic poisoning. Juarez steps out of the meeting and asks if he's shitting her right now. He says he has a patient who has headache, nausea and convulsions and they think he's been given arsenic. Oh, and they're on an airplane somewhere over the Atlantic, so they can't just bring him to a hospital. Jack is writhing and moaning and Gwen is wringing his hand anxiously. Juarez reminds him that nobody can die right now, so the guy should probably thank his lucky stars somebody decided to poison him NOW. Rex says this is the mortal man he was talking to her about before. He's pretty sure this one is able to die. Jack grumbles that NOW Rex believes him. Gwen runs over to listen as Juarez says they could try chelation, which is removing toxic metal from the body by introducing other chemicals that render them inactive. She would suggest EDTA, but if they're on a plane they won't have that available. Gwen asks what EDTA is, exactly. Juarez is like 'who the hell is this now?'. Gwen repeats the question and she sighs and gives the full chemical name, but says she has no idea how you would make it out of ingredients they might be able to find because she's a doctor, not a chemist. Chrissy: Seriously, stop doing that McCoy impression. It doesn't come through in type. Diandra: How can I resist when they keep doing the line! Resistance is futile! Chrissy: Sigh. Juarez thinks somebody at the CIA must be an expert in poisons. Rex says it was a CIA agent who poisoned him. He begs her to help because she's all he has and he's watching this man die right now. Juarez grumbles that this is ridiculous, but marches back into the room with all the doctors and announces that their new assignment is to make EDTA using only ingredients that would be found on an airplane. Sometime later, Jim has come up with something he thinks will work. They just need formeldahyde and ethylenediamine. Jack, still writhing and looking like shit, yelps that they are NOT giving him formeldahyde. Gwen snaps at him to shut up. Jim says they can make formeldahyde by oxidizing methanol. Gwen says great, um...how do we do that 30,000 feet in the air? Simran offers that some laptops have fuel cells with methanol instead of standard batteries. Gwen barks at the Twink to check all the laptops. Juarez adds that they'll need a catalyst like silver. Rex scampers off to find some and, upon not finding anything in the kitchen, just comes back and rips the necklace from Asian Lady's neck. Also, they need amonia. Gwen orders the other attendant to find her some sort of cleaning product with amonia. Chrissy: We're seriously talking about injecting battery fluid, cleaning products and a chemical used for embalming into the one person who might be able to die? Diandra: Yep. And I just realized we neglected to prepare for this bullshit by drinking. Chrissy: Should we start drinking so we're ready for the next episode? Diandra: Probably. So we cut to Gwen combining everything in the kitchen area according to the directions she scribbled on a napkin. This sounds like a great idea so far. She asks the female attendant for one last ingredient that is found in degreaser. The attendant is like um...we don't have that. Gwen growls at her to NOT say that right now. They must have some SOMEWHERE. The attendant, looking vaguely scared that Gwen might beat the shit out of her, says the automated system takes care of all of that. Gwen bangs her head on the counter as the woman rambles about a central pump and tubing that distributes it through the plane. Gwen lights up and asks where this tubing is. Attendant says it's in the floor. Gwen drags her back to the main area and rips the carpet from the floor near the in flight screen, shrieking that she will rip this plane apart with her bare hands if she has to and if the attendant knows what's good for her she'll help. All they find is wires. Rex sighs and takes his suit coat off, ordering them to rip up ALL the panels. He gets on the floor with them and rips up the next panel. Gwen notes that he's looking pretty concerned now, like maybe he's realized this is his fault. Chrissy: Um...don't piss him off now that he's helping you. Rex brushes it off and asks if there's something between her and Jack. She says she's married and she has a child. Rex is like yeah, well...like that's ever stopped anybody. You argue like a married couple. Gwen asks if HE had a thing with Asian Lady back there. He says yeah, actually, they did, until they realized they "got on each other's nerves". Gwen grumbles yeah, well...no surprises there, I guess. They can't find the tubes the attendant was describing anywhere and Gwen starts losing it. Rex says wait...they're looking for a degreaser, right? Where would they find grease on the plane? He asks the Twink where the access to the landing gear is. Luckily, it's the next panel over. They find a tube that looks right and Gwen orders somebody to give her a knife. Rex, suddenly the voice of reason, says they should be careful because the tube isn't labeled and for all they know it's an oil line and cutting it will bring down the whole plane. Chrissy: Oh, whatever. Gwen literally says "yeah, whatever" and slices the tube, setting a cup under it and filling it with a clear, oily fluid. Gwen finishes the concoction with a little bit of cyanide. Not enough to kill him, she promises, but winces as she gets a whiff of the stuff and adds "hopefully". Twink hands her a needle, because of course some diabetic would need that, and she takes his tie and runs out to Jack, who has become entirely unresponsive and looks already dead. The attendants remove his coat - which Gwen reminds them to be careful with because priorities - and Gwen kneels in front of him with the needle and rolls up his sleeve. He slurs that he heard something about cyanide... Gwen is like shush now and tell me which arm I should stick this needle full of suspicious chemicals in. Twink yelps at her to be careful with his good tie as she ties it around Jack's arm. "And you're definitely not gay," she grumbles. "It was one time," he yelps. Gwen goes to inject it and, because this whole scenario isn't insane enough, apparently, Asian Lady breaks the table she's cuffed to and kicks the needle from Gwen's hand before she can break Jack's skin. Gwen looks up at her like "oh, it is ON, bitch." Asian Lady taunts that if she's the best England has to offer "then God help you". Gwen says she's Welsh, actually, and drops her with one right hook. Twink locates the needle, which is still intact, of course, and Gwen injects it. Jack slumps over and looks dead. Then he starts writhing and screaming and Gwen apologizes that Juarez warned it would burn. Chrissy: Oh, really? You mean you can't just inject random chemicals you pulled from the inner workings of a large machine without any nasty side effects? Diandra: I know, right? Gwen apologizes, but notes that it seems to be working. Rex is like okay, great. He snaps cuffs back on Gwen and shoves her into her seat again. Sometime later, Rex calls Friedkin, who asks if "Lynn" has said anything about who put her up to it and why. Took long enough to get Asian Lady's name. Rex looks at her, still unconscious from Gwen's punch, and says he won't be able to ask her anything for a while yet. Friedkin says fine, he'll take care of it and arrange for security to meet them at the airport. He hangs up the phone and tells some big guy who might be security to "go get him." And then we cut to a dismembered hand laying on a table, fingers twitching. Chrissy: The props guys have the best Halloween decorations. Diandra: Scares the absolute shit out of the children and scars them for life, but... Chrissy: Well, yeah. That's the point. Diandra: I'm starting to realize why kids stay away from your house. Chrissy: Hey, it's not my fault that one kid had nightmares. He was just too sensitive. Diandra: You answered the door wearing a hockey mask and wielding a meat cleaver. Chrissy: It was Halloween! Diandra: It was a real meat cleaver. Chrissy: I was cooking. I had the fake one sitting next to the real one and grabbed it by mistake. It's not like I was actually going to swing it or anything. A guy hovering over a microscope tells Juarez, Simran and all the other gathered medical people that they have confirmed that people are still aging. Simran asks what kind of lame version of immortality that is. Jim points out that it's exactly like the story of Tithonus (and every sci-fi based on that concept including, I think, one of the "Mad Max" movies). Tithonus was given the gift of immortality without also being granted eternal youth so he became ancient and frail and eventually longed to be able to die. Another doctor says so basically it's not a "miracle" so much as one of the circles of hell. The guy with the microscope offers this little bit of hopeful thinking: for all they know it's a temporary phenomenon that will reverse any day. Juarez says yeah, maybe, but they can't operate on that assumption. They don't know ANYTHING for certain. She says dead people accumulate, but right now what's accumulating is people who are SUPPOSED to be dead. They are in pain and death is no longer putting an end to their suffering for the foreseeable future. So, long story short, they need to start manufacturing a shitload of painkillers and rebuild the entire healthcare system because just sitting back and assuming the problem will reverse itself will lead to a full scale disaster. The She Devil who was talking to Oswald creeps into the room somewhere in the middle of this conversation for some reason and watches thoughtfully. Juarez steps outside for a smoke break sometime later. She Devil approaches and asks to bum a cigarette. Then she starts handing Juarez things to hold while she digs through her purse. Juarez looks down at the hairbrush while She Devil babbles inanely and notes that she's apparently a busy woman. She Devil latches onto that and says she should talk: she's the acting head of surgery. She is Doctor Juarez, right? SheDevil finds her lighter, lights her cigarette, and starts taking things back from Juarez to put in her purse. Juarez asks if they've met before. She Devil says no, she just saw her in a meeting in there and she was wonderful, you know, with the way she cut right through the bullshit and took charge. She could have stood and applauded her right there. Juarez is like yeah, uh- huh...and you were doing what, exactly, in there? She Devil introduces herself as Jilly Kitzinger with public relations and hands her a card. Juarez looks at it and identifies the PhiCorp logo. She refuses to take it because she doesn't need a drug rep. Jilly starts babbling about how she knows they don't need her in there, but her boss was REALLY insistent and she really thinks their meeting might be destiny and just TAKE THE CARD. Juarez says uh...no, thanks. "I don't need your help." Jilly says she wouldn't be so sure of that and asks if she's thought about January 15th. Apparently it's the date when the senate committee for drugs and alcohol voted to designate the nations surplus drugs "for use only by the civil defense program". Juarez obviously needs access to that stockpile, so what she should be doing right now is talking to a senator about reversing that decision. Juarez reluctantly takes the card Jilly is still holding out and notes that she just happens to specialize in pain management. Does she happen to carry samples with her? The plane finally lands at Dulles airport at 5PM. Rex escorts Lynn out and instructs the security guards meeting them to place her under arrest too. Then he looks away and doesn't see the guard slip a key into her palm first because he is clueless. The guard tells him they have intelligence on standby and a van waiting to take the prisoners to Langley. Rex's phone rings as they're walking away. It's Esther, who says she's calling from a different number and frantically asks if he got her messages. Rex says no, he didn't get a chance to check his messages yet. She says they're being set up. His office has been cleaned out and her bank account mysteriously increased by $50,000. She's willing to bet whoever did will be waiting for him to arrive. Rex looks sideways at the agents surrounding them as Esther continues that someone wants Torchwood erased and it's possible they're also erasing everyone who had any contact with members of Torchwood. Lynn uncuffs herself. Rex doesn't see it, but is obviously believing Esther as she continues to talk about how they're probably laying out evidence of them being traitors so they can bury them. He loudly bullshits things like 'oh, really? That's great! Uh-huh. Yep!' He pulls out another phone and checks his messages. This one only has one message from his bank announcing a deposit of $100,000. Chrissy: Seriously? Even a fake traitor organization pays men twice as much as women for the same fucking job? Diandra: Well, that does lend it a certain degree of realism. "That idea is extremely relevant," he says. Esther realizes he's with them already and can't talk. He says yeah, that would seem to be the case. Uh-huh. She urges him to get the hell out of there and she'll meet him outside Arrivals in a blue mini.. He's like yep, I will. He hangs up and says he just remembered one thing he needs to make this a "proper" rendition. He fishes out his keys and unlocks Jack and Gwen's cuffs while he babbles about recent amendments to the US code that say once they step on American soil they have "free and easy access to one important thing." Chrissy: Guns. Diandra: Yeah, well...that too. Gwen asks what that is. "Bullshit," he says and he, Gwen and Jack all take down the security guards. Gwen and Jack run off, leaving Rex to deal with Lynn, who gets several punches to his pipe wound before he breaks her neck. He shoves her off him and runs away while we get a lovely little closeup of her body with her head twisted at an unnatural angle, still blinking and twitching. Chrissy: Still not as disturbing as the eyeball thing on "The Walking Dead". Diandra: Eugh. Don't remind me. Upstairs in arrivals, Gwen asks Jack how they're supposed to get out because US Immigration isn't exactly easy to deal with. Yes, but you're from a country that is quite possibly even worse, so, you know... They run into Rex, who asks what the hell they're hanging around for. He points out that they're in the baggage claim area for domestic flights, which means nobody would stop them if they just walked out. Also, they are idiots. He turns to lead them out, but Gwen points out that HE arrested them, broke up her family and nearly killed Jack so why should they trust him now? He says because he has a car and tosses Jack's wrist strap back to him. As they're leaving, Jack grabs the nearest security officer, points out the guys who have recovered and are coming after them again and says he overheard them talking about a bomb earlier. Outside, Rex points out to Gwen that he actually did her a favor by not letting her bring her infant child into the middle of all of this. Juarez gets out of the car parked right in front of Esther's blue mini and hands Rex a bag of pills. Jack and Gwen start climbing in her car before Rex yells at them that it's the BLUE one. He tosses a half ass thank you at Juarez, calling her "babe" and heads for the blue mini while she splutters in confusion. Gwen asks what the hell sort of getaway car is this because she thought Americans all drove SUVs. Chrissy: Sigh. Diandra: Sorry, we would have done a better job of conforming to your stereotypes, but Uncle Cletus needed the truck with the Confederate flag plastered across the back window to go deer hunting. Yee haw! They all pile in and Esther asks where they're going. Rex says it doesn't matter. Oh, and by the way, they bribed him with twice the amount of money they gave her. Chrissy: Yeah, rub it in. They start to pull away and nearly run over Lynn, who is staggering around clumsily because her head is turned entirely backward. There's a moment where everybody just stares like 'this is the worst comic relief moment ever' and then Ester backs up and rips around her, speeding away as the guys who were apparently only briefly held up by airport security come running out, screaming that that lady stole that car. Lynn falls over again. As they're driving away, Esther asks what the hell that was all about. Gwen just smirks and says "welcome to Torchwood." Chrissy: Here are your antipsychotics. There's liquor in the bar. Diandra: There is? Oh, you meant them. Seriously, why are we not drinking already? Chrissy: Because we have ten episodes of this and we wanted to pace ourselves? Diandra: ...That doesn't sound like something we would do. Chrissy: No, it doesn't. I'll go get us some beer while you cue up the next episode.