"Torchwood: Miracle Day, episode 3: Dead of Night" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Kai Owen, Mekhi Phifer, Alexa Havins, Bill Pullman If the "be patient, we promise this will all make sense eventually" note last episode wasn't ominous enough, this episode, John and Russell repeatedly promise that everything is "coming to a head". Chrissy: Ugh. Can't we just fast forward through these intros? Diandra: Sorry. Thanks for getting the beer by the way. Previously on Miracle Day: a guy named Oswald Danes survived execution by being unlucky enough to be executed on the day when everyone became immortal. Or maybe he's lucky because other people are having to live with major damage in constant agony but he seems to be fine. Doctor Juarez became a crusader for the complete restructuring of the healthcare system. A she devil named Jilly tried to get her claws into everybody and somebody, working through the guy responsible for the original Jurassic Park disaster - is trying to have Jack and Gwen and probably Rex and Esther killed, wiping all traces of Torchwood out of existence. We open on Oswald doing another interview. The much less hostile interviewer asks what happened to him "in there". Oswald shrugs and says something happened to EVERYONE on Miracle Day and everything has now changed. The interviewer says yeah, but why are people accepting HIM as the expert? Chrissy: Because people are morons. Diandra: Well, yeah. That much is a given. Oswald says he has no idea, but since it happened nobody seems to be saying anything. The government, scientists. "I think the establishment is scared into silence." Whereas he has no power and nothing to lose and can say whatever he wants. Starting with questioning whether anyone has looked into the profits the drug companies are making these past few days. Chrissy: What, you think they would actively try to create demand? They're evil, but they're just opportunists. Diandra: Yeah. They'll just hike up the price of painkillers. Oswald suggests that in this new world order, drugs should be free, along with healthcare in general. Er...while I agree that medications and healthcare should never be tied to corporate greed, without some sort of control over who gets how much of what, that would last about an hour, tops. Chrissy: Because we are a country of greed and somebody would be hoarding all the drugs and selling them with a 500% upcharge. Friedkin comes down the stairs in his house where this interview is playing on the TV and goes to shut it off. Maybe. It doesn't matter what he was planning on doing with the remote anyway because Rex shows up and puts a gun to his head, demanding to know who set him up. Friedkin begs him to put the gun down. Rex says no, THE ENTIRE CIA has been turned against him and he would like to know who told Friedkin to do it. Who is paying him? Rex acknowledges that he can't "kill" Friedkin for the time being, but he could leave him in crippling pain for who the hell knows how long. He starts pressing the barrel of the gun to various spots on Friedkin's head, wondering aloud which parts of the brain control memory or personality or the ability to control one's bladder. Friedkin pleads with him, babbling that he doesn't know who is giving the orders and never did. "They've been there for decades and I can't...I couldn't stop them. I mean, it's too late." He says they've only ever contacted him via this one telephone number. From the car where Jack is apparently listening in, he tells Rex to get that number. Rex is like yes, thank you. I was in serious danger of forgetting how to DO MY DAMN JOB for a minute there. Jack snarks yeah, well, he should hurry up because the police are on their way. Esther confirms this from some other location somewhere because she's tracking cop cars coming from 5th. Jack gets a direction from her and relays to Gwen, who announces she's "on it". Friedkin hands Rex the phone that he is contacted through, but warns that he won't find them because HE never found them. "They're everywhere. They know everything." Rex says mmmmkay then, and fires his gun a few inches away from Friedkin's ear, deafening him while he makes his escape. He jumps in the car where Jack is waiting. Jack grumbles that he took his sweet time. Sirens approach. Gwen shows up suddenly and throws out one of those spike row things cops use to stop runaway drivers before jumping in the back of the car and screaming at them to go. They peel off and the cop car drives over the spikes, blowing its tires and losing a hubcap. Now that they're safely ahead, Gwen asks what they got. Rex holds up the cell phone, which he claims will allow them to contact whoever "made" the Miracle. Bleeping credits. This is as far as we got before we decided to take a break and wait until after the election to do any more recapping in the hopes that we could come back less bitter. Unfortunately, it looks like we can only get MORE bitter for the foreseeable future as America has decided to suspend our two hundred year experiment with democracy and give theocratic fascism a shot. Honestly, I came very close to scrapping this and all future recaps because, while I can still write fanfiction as a form of escape, I worried I would lose all ability to be funny enough to write recaps. But I've recapped after relatives and beloved family pets died. I recapped after right wing tantrums shut down my state for months and nearly cost me my job. If I could do it then, I can fucking well do it now. Chrissy: This is a variation on the argument she made for why I should come back to help, by the way. Diandra: Yeah, that and I need you to keep me sane. Chrissy: Oh, honey, if you're counting on ME to do that, you are completely screwed. Diandra: What ever happened to that beer you brought for this recap? Chrissy: Uh, I think you drank it when you were doing that recap of Saturday Night Live. You're welcome. So we come back to a candlelight vigil in Washington DC. Everyone is wearing crying sad face masks and playing death march drums. Before I can wonder if I played the wrong video and am seeing a preview of Inauguration Day, we see Gwen standing on the sidelines staring at them in confusion. She carries some bags of supplies into the new temporary headquarters they've apparently set up and asks if they have any news. Jack, parked behind a computer, says they've moved Rhys and Anwen to a safe house in Andy's custody. Gwen asks if he's tried calling Andy's number. Jack says the number has been decommissioned. Gwen snaps at him to keep trying because that's her "bloody family". Um...aren't they safer if you don't make contact with them? Chrissy: She has an on-again, off-again relationship with rational thinking. Gwen hands everybody disposable phones she bought on Jack's cash card. She says she hopes she didn't clear him out. He says that's not likely as the account has been gathering interest since 1906. So as long as she doesn't try to get a college education at a fancy American school with it, they're fine. Gwen hands them some clothing - just the basics and possibly not the right size, she stresses. And everybody is panic buying food at the grocery store, so she wound up going to the "petrol station" and all they had left was "crisps". Esther is like "you mean gas station and chips." Gwen is like no, I didn't and shut up. Fucking Americans. Esther - clearly not knowing when to leave well enough alone - adds a couple more: "mobile" is "cellphone" and "cashpoint card" is, she thinks, "ATM". Pretty sure it's a "check card" or "debit card" but whatever. SHUT UP WE KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT. True story by the way: I once had a French woman ask if I was speaking English or American. I didn't blame her at all. It was a perfectly valid question. Gwen says it's "mental" out there. On TV they're starting to call the Miracle a virus and a "plague" so everybody is running to the shops and cleaning out the shelves. Chrissy: You mean crazy. And stores. Diandra: STOP IT. She pulls a mask identical to the ones being worn by the "cult" outside, who she says call themselves The Soulless. Because they've decided that the ability to live forever has "robbed" humans of their souls. Yes, all the religious nuts are rolling free now. Chrissy: That's...not an expression. Esther announces that Friedkin was telling the truth. His CELLPHONE was only ever contacted by one number. She traced it, but hit a "vine". Gwen asks what the hell that is. Rex explains it's what happens when you try to trace a number but the trail branches out exponentially. There's a word for that? Also, why is Rex not wearing a shirt? Is it just so we can see the still rawish wound on his chest? Chrissy: Yes, but I doubt you're complaining. Diandra: Why would I do that? He realizes everybody is just staring at him and asks what the problem is. Jack, averting his eyes, says he should be in the hospital. Gwen grumbles that the bastard doesn't deserve sympathy. Rex basically points out what I was saying earlier: maybe she would be happier if her baby daughter was here right now, playing in the corner? There's probably plenty of tasty lead paint chips on the wall over there. Gwen tosses the Soulless mask at him snottily. Rex asks if she got painkillers too. Nope. Sold out. Rex looks at a laptop playing Oswald's suggestion of making all the medication free and declares that THIS GUY has the right idea. Too bad he lost all credibility when he raped and murdered a preteen. Jack asks who this guy is anyway and Rex fills him in on the backstory while he tapes a bandage over his gaping wound. Jack notes that Oswald is on every channel and they should probably investigate him as well as anyone else potentially profiting off of this Miracle. Gwen announces that she's on it. Also, this lemonade is flat and terrible. Esther points out that American lemonade is always flat. Also, cider is basically indistinguishable from apple juice. We're savages over here. Rex asks how Esther is doing on tracing the money. Esther says she can't trace the source of the bribes, so she's going over Friedkin's behavior history instead. Rex says she won't get into the files because Friedkin is a section chief. Esther wouldn't bet on that because Torchwood somehow still has some SERIOUS tech. Rex gets distracted by the fact that Esther is punching numbers into the contacts of the new phone Gwen gave her. He asks who that number belongs to. She says her sister. Rex grabs the phone from her and asks what the hell is the MATTER with her. The CIA is probably monitoring her calls already. Gwen defends Esther by saying she isn't used to all of this. What? She works for the CIA. How can she NOT be paranoid? Rex points out that he's not used to this sort of scenario either, but he's not an idiot. Jack tries to calm him down and Rex turns on him to ask who the hell died and put HIM in charge. Jack says this is Torchwood and Rex is a member whether he likes it or not. Esther says jesus, I'm SORRY. I mean, I work for the CIA, but all I do is sit at a desk and read blogs all day. And her sister isn't "well". Rex says that's "irrelevant", which...yeah, it's not like she's going to get any worse for the time being. Jack goes back to his computer and announces that he's been doing research on morphic fields because all he can think is that that is what "suspended" the human race, but now he thinks it has to be more than that. "It's like there's some sort of energy behind this. A will. A drive. A consciousness." He uses Lynn as an example. Even if the broken neck couldn't kill her, she should have been paralyzed. Something was DRIVING her to keep going. And the body in the morgue was just STARING at him, like it couldn't even have the reprieve of unconsciousness. He says it's like they're being FORCED into life. Chrissy: Anybody seen where Mike Pence is lately? Diandra: Heh. [cries] Seriously, there isn't any beer left? Rex says yeah, he never lost consciousness at all the entire time he was being shish kabobed, cut free by paramedics and rushed to the hospital. He was wide awake and able to feel everything. Gwen starts looking sympathetic. Esther asks what Jack found in his search. Jack says everybody has had the same idea so a search on "morphic field" returns ten million results. Esther offers to help him go through them all. Because it's what she's good at. She types something into her computer, laughs, and says "he cockblocked the ATF." Gwen has no idea what any of those words mean. Esther says ATF is the bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms. And Explosives, but ATFE didn't have the same ring. She says they asked the CIA for information on a warehouse in DC but Friedkin punted the request to an "ancillary" three times. Gwen asks what that means. Rex explains that it's basically a way to lose something in the system and create a paper trail that takes a whole lot of detours and goes nowhere. Esther suggests he was stopping people from seeing the warehouse because he was being paid to protect it. So it must be important. She gives them the address. Rex says okay, so they have a lead. First thing they need to do now is steal a car. Jack objects to the fact that Rex thinks HE'S the one giving orders again. Chrissy: Whip 'em out, boys. I'm sure we can find a ruler somewhere. Diandra: Oh, we all know Rex is bigger. But Jack's has way more experience and fewer restrictions for usage. Rex says okay, then. What does Torchwood say they should do. Jack announces that they need to steal a new car. So the newly minted team try all the doors on cars along a street to see if any of them have owners dumb enough to leave the door unlocked. The first three aren't. Gwen gives up immediately, picks up a rock and smashes out the window on hers, setting off the alarm. "Got one," she calls. As they're driving (with Gwen behind the wheel), Rex announces that somebody left their dry cleaning in the back and it happens to be his size, so he's totally stealing that too. Then he proceeds to change into them right there in the car after warning "ladies, avert your eyes. That includes you, World War II." Jack just notes that these disposable phones have pretty good cameras and aims his over his shoulder at Rex, snapping a picture. Rex is like oh, you did NOT just take a picture of me changing my pants. Gwen yelps that he's changing his PANTS too and Esther points out that that's just what Americans call trousers. Which most Brits know because it's usually the first difference they are exposed to when speaking to an American. Or watching an American show. Basically, they stopped giggling about this at least a decade ago. Rex points out that she's drifting to the wrong side of the street. Oy. Chrissy: Oh, because in England you weren't looking the wrong direction every time you crossed the street? Diandra: No, I wasn't actually. Because I always look BOTH WAYS just like my mother taught me. They pull up outside the warehouse and Esther announces that according to the security profile, the guard checks in every fifteen minutes. Rex asks if they have a plan or if that's just an American thing. No, the American thing is to have meetings wherein you discuss future meetings and summarize past meetings and totally fail to come up with a plan for anything useful. So the car pulls up to the guard station with Esther behind the wheel and Gwen in the back seat and neither of the guys. Both are employing the helpless, ditzy female act that worked for Esther before. Gwen holds out a map and says they're trying to find Boston Avenue, but, you know, she's British so she has no clue where she is. As soon as the guard is close enough, she grabs his tie and yanks his head down, knocking him out on the car door. Esther nods approvingly at the crumpled, unconscious guard and notes that Gwen has obviously done that before. "So many times," Gwen grumbles. So Jack, Gwen and Rex arrive at a door and Esther announces from the car over comms that they have eleven minutes. Gwen says she can unlock it by tricking it into thinking it's booting up for the day, but that will also turn on all the lights and computers. Rex tells her to do it anyway and tells Esther to keep watch. Gwen punches a few keys on the keypad and they all enter the still completely dark and deserted warehouse. I assume there's a delay on that bootup? Jack pulls a box from the shelf and takes out a massive jar of pills. Rex snatches it and pours out a fistful, laughing as he declares it real drugs. Gwen reads the name "Metanec" from the label and says that's a painkiller, right? Rex says yep. Jack reads the company name "PhiCorp" from the label. Gwen says yeah, they know that name. They have it back home too because it's a world-wide corporation. Rex says these pills are the same ones he's been taking all along. They're non-narcotic, so they kill the pain without making you drowsy. Or, as he puts it, they keep you awake. "It's the perfect drug for the new world order." Jack consults the delivery sheet to find the latest shipment arrived yesterday. And they have been receiving shipments for at least a year. Well. That's not suspicious at all. Rex opens a side door and finds another room full of the boxes of those pills that have been stockpiling. "Bigger on the inside," Jack murmurs. Nobody asks what the hell that means. He concludes that they're preparing for a war. Rex says no, obviously they were ready for the Miracle. PhiCorp knew it was coming somehow. Back at the hospital, Juarez stomps over to a police officer and orders him to come take a look at this woman who was brought in. Her husband tried to strangle her. She didn't die, obviously, but her brain has turned to mush from oxygen deprivation and she's wheezing horribly and the hyoid bone has basically disintegrated. The cop says they charged him with assault. Juarez snaps that that isn't enough because THIS is what murder looks like in this new reality. The cop yelps that it isn't HIS fault. They're not even allowed to say "attempted murder" anymore. Murder is impossible now. The whole system is broken. Much like the healthcare system, as she already found. Another nurse interrupts Juarez's potential response rant to say the NIH is calling to tell her she's late for some sort of panel. She storms out and arrives back at the city hall meeting room as a guy is talking about "an additional half million people a day". She asks what's going on and he explains that the 50% of pregnancies that fail are no longer failing. Oh, fuck. Here we go down the abortion rabbit hole. He adds that it's making "genetic mistakes" viable. Sure enough, some idiot pipes up that no "baby" is a mistake. That's not what he said, dumbass, but go ahead and continue to think of a headless parasite as a "baby". Juarez calmly asks what his name is and brightly says she used to be Catholic too, but "I got better." She reminds him that by "genetic mistake" they mean deformities like the brain developing OUTSIDE the skull or babies born without any brain whatsoever and suffering for eternity when formerly they could have died mercifully within the hour. So yes, we're calling them mistakes because nature is sometimes a drunken bitch. Chrissy: I like Juarez. Diandra: Yeah. Can we switch her and Esther around? Apparently some idiot let Jilly the SheDevil into this meeting as she makes her presence known just them by loudly spilling a whole bunch of pens. She pretends that was an accident and, now that she has everybody's attention, says she thinks they can help because PhiCorp has been working on pain management in newborns. Yeah, I bet. Totally a coincidence, right? Another guy says whatever, they have bigger problems now. Somebody just got off a plane from New Delhi and spread cholera all over Boston. Juarez says there's no shortage of clean water in Boston, so let's put that on the back burner and talk about the problem in the ERs. The guy says no, because this is going to get worse every DAY. The guy who was talking when Juarez entered says they never finished the discussion of the birth problems. He says they've started putting contraceptives in the water supply in India and China and maybe we should start doing that too. Yeah, probably everybody should do that until the Miracle is over. Of course, Catholic guy finds that offensive because religion doesn't understand the difference between contraception and abortion. Chrissy: Going by the bullshit Trump spews, some people don't even understand the difference between abortion and a C-section. Diandra: Ugh. Why did I think recapping this was a good idea? Juarez argues that long term problems don't matter if the whole healthcare system collapses now. They need facilities and space and somebody who can organize it. The first guy says whatever, they'll discuss it later, but they've gone off track here. They really NEED to discuss this contraception thing from the perspective as medical professionals and not bible thumpers. Good luck. People like Catholic guy place their religious beliefs above EVERYTHING and don't care if it conflicts with their professional life. More pregnant women than they will probably ever admit have died in their hospitals. Think of it as the Christian version of refusing to ever take off a full burka even if the ability to see your face is a matter of national security. Only more dangerous. Jilly kind of smirks at Juarez and writes something down in her notes. Sometime later, Juarez is outside smoking again when Jilly sidles up to her. Again. Juarez grumbles that they don't "deserve" the Miracle because they're just going to screw it up like everything else. You could look at it this way: you're finding out all the ways that the "Miracle" is actually a horrible thing and making life a living version of Dante's vision of hell. Chrissy: So yes, humans deserve it. Diandra: That's what I'm saying. Jilly says PhiCorp needs feedback from medical staff and asks if Juarez would come talk to them. Juarez says she's a little busy right now. Jilly reminds her of a commencement speech she gave at Columbia last year about a mentor who worked for Doctors Without Borders and how inspiring her work was and how she wanted to "give back" just like her. Juarez says she meant "fieldwork". And working for a giant pharmaceutical company is basically the opposite of that. Jilly rambles about how FEMA is "a pot of glue that still thinks it's a racehorse" and PhiCorp can actually DO something. Juarez says they're just out to make a profit. Yep. Jilly excuses that by saying that profit comes from companies using situations to their advantage and isn't that how everybody gets through life? By being soulless corporate monsters? No. Fuck you. Stop normalizing the worst aspects of Capitalism. Juarez says "maybe", which Jilly takes as a "yes" and skips off, chirping about how she won't regret it. Chrissy: No, she's probably already regretting it. The New Torchwood team comes back to their secret hub and Jack rambles about all the research they need to do on PhiCorp. Rex says yeah, okay, and then what? Jack says then they "go in" either through infiltration or confrontation depending on what the research tells them. Rex concludes that they're just going to "sit on" the information. Um...pretty sure he said you're using it. Jack points out that they got this far on their own. Rex says it's not just about THEM anymore. They have a clear link between a major corporation and the Miracle and they have to do the right thing. Gwen thinks he has a point. Oh, you've already done a one-eighty from opposing everything he says? Jack says fine. They need somebody with connections. Does he have any ideas? Rex offers his senior instructor at Langley. He's no longer technically CIA. Sometime later, he's talking to the instructor about photographs and documentation while Jack and Gwen hover near the coffee maker. He offers to meet at a neutral location so the instructor doesn't risk compromising his family. He suggests the Freeville Hotel. Cut to a bunch of cop cars pulling up outside the Freeville Hotel. Rex watches from across the street as SWAT officers run inside. Yep, can't trust that guy, obviously. He goes down an alley to meet the rest of the team and grumbles that there's no POINT in uncovering this information if EVERYONE has been turned against them. They can't do much good if they're fugitives. Esther protests that they can't have gotten to EVERYONE. For some reason, she also notes that they can't be tracking the cell phones, even though that's not what happened here. Jack says whoever is doing this is good and they're READY for them. So they're back to plan A which is that they take on PhiCorp themselves and don't take the risk of involving people they can't trust. Rex and Jack get in each other's faces and Rex condescendingly explains to him that it is no longer World War Two where that precious coat of his came from and there IS NO TORCHWOOD ANYMORE. Then he goes over the line by reminding Jack that he got all the former members of Torchwood killed. Esther begs him to knock it off. Rex says yeah, whatever, and gets in the car. Gwen tries to reason with him that they need to work TOGETHER here, but he just drives off and leaves them standing in the alley. Somewhere down the freeway, he's banging on the steering wheel and looking like he might cry. Then he winces and touches his chest, where blood is seeping through his shirt again. The rest of the team are walking down the street when Jack announces that his arm is itching and he thinks it might be infected. Gwen grumbles about how men are such BABIES and it's JUST A SCRATCH and if it's itching that means it's healing. Chrissy: Hey, did you see the study recently that determined that the pain of menstrual cramps can be just as severe as having a heart attack? Diandra: I would have thought appendicitis. Chrissy: No, that is ovarian cysts. But whatever. The point is that some women have to go through the sort of pain every month that only the most unfortunate men experience, like, once in their life and they claim we're the weaker sex. Diandra: You say that like I should find it surprising. Chrissy: No, it's just an observation. Then they pass a gay bar and Jack goes running off, ditching them, with the excuse that now that he's mortal he has mortal needs to take care of. Chrissy: Yeah, that might work better if we didn't know you were a manwhore back when you were immortal. The women continue walking and Esther brings up a poem by Robert Frost. "I have been one acquainted with the night". She says it's probably about death. Like a lot of poems. Gwen says "yeah, the poets are the ones who are really going to suffer, aren't they?" Chrissy: No, they'll just make the rest of us suffer. Esther says on the other hand, it was Robert Frost, so it might just be about walking through the rain. Because not everything has to be deep. Then she looks longingly in the direction she says her apartment is in. Gwen reminds her she can't go there without being arrested immediately. Esther isn't sure that would be worse than this. Plus, she wouldn't be holding them back. Gwen, notably not assuring her that she isn't a handicap to them, asks what's wrong with her sister. Esther says she isn't "sick" so much as ill equipped to deal with life. So depressed, probably. Esther says she always looked after her even though she's the younger one. Gwen takes her hand and says it's her choice, but if she gives up now, she will just prove Rex right. Esther agrees that they can't have that and threads her arm through Gwen's. Back at the gay bar, Jack orders a scotch and asks the bartender what this bowl full of tags on the bar is about. He says they're collecting sobriety chips. Because nobody gives a shit anymore. Jack says he doesn't have anything to add to the collection unless he wants a button. The bartender says if Jack even THINKS of damaging that beautiful coat he's going to jump right over this bar. Jack looks at him like 'oh, I definitely like you.' He introduces himself (omitting the "Captain" and "Harkness" for once) and the bartender says his name is Brad. Jack asks if he really likes the coat and Brad basically says 'yeah, and I bet it would look even better on the floor of my bedroom'. Chrissy: Sigh. So uncreative. It's a big coat. It would probably hide you from prying eyes if you wanted to go out to the alley for a quickie. Diandra: Yeah, that's real romantic. Chrissy: [opens mouth and gets cut off immediately] Diandra: Yes, clearly romance is not the goal here. I knew that was stupid the minute I said it. Forget I said anything. On the news, an older white guy is asking a younger black woman named Candace if they're getting any clarity from the White House. She rambles about how this whole thing is so crazy that many high level officials are starting to think it's coming from an extraterrestrial source. But they're still unwilling to actually say that out loud. The white guy switches to talking about the supreme court and questions about adjustments to life sentences of convicts and we pan away from the TV to find Oswald lounging on a hotel room bed, eating some of the food he's been stashing. He turns off the television just as Candace mentions that he's scheduled to speak to them tomorrow. He puts his coat on and grabs a bucket, waving it at the guard outside to show him he just wants to get some ice. Then he leaves the bucket on top of the ice machine and runs for it. Chrissy: Well, that guy's fired. He winds up at a diner where the television is tuned to a preacher giving a sermon for some ungodly reason. A couple across the diner keep staring at him and whispering, completely failing to be subtle. Then the woman takes his picture on her phone. Juarez goes home and starts getting undressed before she even turns on the lights. As we women do. Chrissy: Oh, yeah. All the time. She is startled by Rex, who says he needs her to dress his wound again. Then he falls over mid-sentence. Sometime later, she's finishing putting a bandage on the wound. He says he's going to need her help until he can clear his name and go to an actual hospital. She says she's taking his word for it that he's not a traitor. He notes that if she's wrong, she could be accused of aiding and abetting because she's already given him drugs. She says oh, lovely. So basically their relationship is based on mutual blackmail. He thinks that sounds kind of hot, actually, and leans in to kiss her. Chrissy: I thought you said he had a thing with Esther. Diandra: Um...have I mentioned just how shitty my memory is? Yeah, I just realized I had Esther confused with Juarez. Chrissy: Oh, well. That's understandable. Seeing as how they look nothing like each other. Diandra: Bite me. I last saw this four years ago. We cut to a hotel room somewhere where Brad is already naked and undressing Jack. Jack stops him to ask if he has any protection. Brad doesn't think it's necessary since they can't die of anything anymore. Oy. You do know that death is not the only symptom of STDs, right? Chrissy: Oh, like Jack picked him for his BRAIN. Diandra: Hmm...no. I think his reasons are pretty well highlighted at the moment. Chrissy: Yeah. I think I might actually be able to scrub clothes on those abs. Diandra: I was thinking something more along the lines of bouncing a quarter off his ass, but that works too. Chrissy: I'm so glad you invited me back to do this recap. Diandra: Me too. Jack pulls away as Brad goes to kiss him again and reminds him that that's not how this Miracle thing works and he's pretty sure neither of them wants any "regrets" for the rest of eternity. Regrets presumably being sores or burning pain while peeing. Brad says fine then, Jack is "calling the shots". Jack gets a momentary look like 'hey, that's right, I can do that now!' and shoves Brad onto his knees. So now we get a montage cutting back and forth between the heterosexual and homosexual sex scenes, with both Juarez and Brad flashing their asses at the camera. And Rex is grunting in pain because this is a very bad idea and Juarez should goddamn KNOW THAT. Chrissy: It should be noted that even though Jack might be in charge, he seems to be doing it from the bottom. Diandra: ............ Chrissy: What? Diandra: Was that really necessary? Chrissy: Oh, like you didn't wear out the back button on the remote when you first saw this episode? Diandra: Eh. Why bother when there's a ton of Jack/Ianto slash fics to read? Chrissy: Liar. Ugh. Really? Do we have to cut back to the preacher yapping about death and sin right now? Way to ruin it, show. Oswald puts money on the diner table and walks out, looking nervously back at the couple who are still staring. They follow him right out and the guy gets in front of him and does his best to act menacing. Oswald protests that he was just leaving and they must have him confused with somebody else. He turns and runs away as the guy yells that if he doesn't want to be recognized he shouldn't plaster his face all over TV. The woman says "let's get him" and they give chase. Because people are always happy to go vigilante on anyone on the sex offender list, even if it turns out they only got there for soliciting a prostitute once. Chrissy: Americans are very good at acting without thinking or asking questions first. Diandra: Or ever. Oswald runs right into a police car and tells the officer that these kids are harassing him. The guy squawks that this isn't fair and LOOK WHO HE IS! What is the point of this scene? The cops, who are obviously well trained and doing their job as they're supposed to, tell the couple to go home. Now. They slink away, looking disgusted that the cops aren't willing to just let them commit a felony and failing to see that this makes them just as bad as Oswald. Oswald thanks the cops and says he was just trying to get back to his motel and can they give him a lift? The cops look at each other and reluctantly agree. And then they prove that they're not quite as clean as they seemed to be by stopping in the middle of nowhere and beating him up. One of them promises they'll make sure to spare his face so he can still go on television. "You should have run faster, Oswald," he spits as Oswald hits the ground. Juarez' place. Rex has just explained everything to Juarez, apparently, as she summarizes that he thinks the pharmaceutical company knew this was going to happen. Well, obviously they did. The question is how and whether they actually CAUSED it or are just profiting from somebody else's plan. She sighs and acts flustered. He asks what's wrong. She says her mother had a massive stroke last year and she had to make the choice to pull the plug. If she had known this was going to happen... Chrissy: You would have kept her in a vegetative state for all eternity. Diandra: Yep. She fishes out the card Jilly gave her and says PhiCorp has contacted her about going to some sort of meeting. Rex, who recognizes when a golden opportunity just lands in his lap, says she has to go to the meeting and find out more about them. She says that sounds like HIS job, not hers. He says no, seriously. Just do it. She points out that he has quite the set of cojones to break into her apartment, blackmail her and then ask her to do something for him. Chrissy: He was kind of hoping you forgave him for all of that after that spectacular orgasm he just gave you. Diandra: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHASNORT. Sorry. Chrissy: Well, HE doesn't know it was fake. Rex reminds her that PhiCorp KNEW about this and could have warned them. Then he does a faceplant right over the line by telling her to think of the mother she let die. She glares and says he should let himself out while she's in the shower. She stomps into the bathroom, adding that she never wants to see him again either, and slams the door. Meanwhile, Brad is snoring and Jack is calling Gwen to announce that he "thought of a thing". She asks if he's drunk. He twirls the glass in his other hand and says yeah, a little. He puts the glass on the bedside table and says he was just thinking about how now she's immortal and he's "dying". "We're good, aren't we? You and me? A good team. I missed you." Gwen cuts the bullshit and admits that SHE was thinking about Ianto much the same way Juarez was thinking about her mother. Jack is like 'yeah, thanks. I wasn't crying enough already. I'm glad I called.' Chrissy: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish this bottle of...whatever...and maybe wake the hot idiot beside me for another round. Diandra: The scary part here is that I've heard you say something very close to that before. Jack says he wishes Ianto was here now. What? HERE here or just alive? Chrissy: Both. Jack says they aren't much of a team just the two of them, but at least they have each other. They don't need anyone else. Chrissy: What? Sorry, I think this phone is running out of battery. Also, I'm going into a tunnel. Bye! Diandra: You're a jerk sometimes. You know that? Actually, that's pretty close because Esther flits over to tell Gwen that she had to route the signal through Paraguay, but... on her laptop screen is Rhys and Anwen on a video call. Gwen promptly forgets about Jack, cooing at her daughter and hanging up her phone. Jack is like 'right? We don't need anyone else? Right? Hello?' Oof. Never take a job at a suicide hotline, lady. The cop car pulls up to the motel and one of the cops tosses Oswald onto the curb before they peel away. Sensing a desperate soul ripe for selling, Jilly appears. Did I mention she always seems to be wearing red? "Told you you'd need me," she smarms before announcing that they have a meeting to go to and he can get cleaned up on the plane to Dulles. He asks why the hell he would go to DC. "These are the times that make men, Oswald," she non-answers. "It's your choice. Stay where you are or stand up tall and stride across the skin of the world." Yeah, your long lost cousin from the Impossible Planet tried that a while back. These people remember him as Abaddon. It didn't go well. Chrissy: Then again, that might explain why Jack has to be mortal now. Oswald says if she's promising to help him, she'd better follow through. It's morning and we're back in Washington DC. We can tell by the giant phallic object in the middle of the frame named after our first president. Rex is sitting dejectedly on a bench, still wearing the blood stained shirt from last night. His phone rings. It's Juarez, grumbling that he KNEW when he left his number with her that she'd give in and call. She agrees that she MIGHT be able to get him inside. Jack arrives back at their new hub and announces that he feels like crap and isn't that AWESOME? He sees Rex looking at Gwen's eyes like he's searching for an eyelash or something and says he thought they "broke up". Rex grumbles that they have work to do and, to Gwen, notes that they just LOOK like contact lenses. Yep. When they said they managed to keep the lenses they meant they kept the worst spyware they have. Actually, Gwen says it's the ONE piece of tech she kept. Rex watches the feed on the laptop while she rolls her eyes around a bit and asks where they got them. Jack says some distant moon of a distant star. Rex says haha, no really. Jack repeats himself and says he is "loving" this hangover. Mortality makes life SO much more intense. He grabs Rex's bottle of pills. Rex protests that he NEEDS those for his pain and, in a set up we can see coming like a slow moving trainwreck, reminds Jack that HE wasn't the one "impaled". "Heh. You should've seen the other guy," Jack predictably responds. Chrissy: Oh, please. It hasn't been THAT long. I'm sure it wasn't that difficult for you. Diandra: Please don't say it's like riding a bike. Chrissy: Well, not really. It's more like riding... Diandra: OKAY, WE'RE MOVING ON NOW. Rex looks at him like 'thanks for that mental picture' and Jack notes that he doesn't like his jokes "too gay". He tosses the pills at Rex, who catches them and says he just doesn't like forty year olds who act like they're twenty. Gwen says OKAY, so now that you've clearly won that argument let's test the typing capabilities on the lenses. Esther types "Hello, I'm Esther" in and Gwen responds. Rex notes that there's no audio and Gwen adds the part about the lip reading software. This is basically exactly like the scene with Lois last season. Except that the software doesn't work as well as it did then and the computer announces that its name is Rex Matheson, resenting the Central Intelligence Ajenny. Rex laughs and says that'll work. Gwen says he can't use them, though, because they're isomorphic and biologically tuned solely to Gwen. Well, how convenient that they weren't back when FUCKING EVERYBODY WAS USING THEM. Chrissy: Wasn't there an argument about whether there is such a thing as isomorphic controls back on Doctor Who? Diandra: Wow. You actually remember that? Um...they exist in this universe, but the eleventh doctor seemed to not believe in them briefly for some reason. Chrissy: And we're blaming Stephen Moffat for that inconsistency? Diandra: Among other things. Apparently Esther knows this is bullshit because she types "liar!" Gwen casually reaches over and closes the laptop before Rex sees it on the screen. So at PhiCorp some stooge escorts in Juarez, who is wearing the standard businesswoman attire of a skirt suit and ridiculous high heels. They go into what looks like a small lecture hall - slash - film studio and she says this can't be right because she's here to see Ms. Kitzinger. He says yep, this is the meeting. He points out some of the more recognizable faces in the medical field. She excuses herself to use the ladies room and goes to a side door to let in Gwen. Except nobody told her it would BE Gwen, not Rex and she looks confused. Gwen says sorry, long story, just go back to that meeting and make sure Jilly Kitzinger STAYS there as long as possible. Juarez is like 'no really, who are you and why are you giving me orders?' Gwen snaps at her to just DO IT and brushes past into the building. Yeah. This might have worked better if you had just let Rex, AN ACTUAL SPY, do this. Back at headquarters, Esther asks what Rex said to convince Juarez to help them like that. Chrissy: Well, he didn't SAY anything, necessarily, but his tongue was still involved. Diandra: I can't take you anywhere. As Rex far more tactfully puts it, they don't exactly have a "professional" relationship. Esther looks uncomfortable. Gwen is going up a set of stairs at PhiCorp when Jilly and Oswald go down the other side. Jack and Co recognize him and wonder what the hell reason he could have to be there. Jack tells Esther to have her follow him. She reaches for the keyboard, but Rex stops her and says they should stay on the mission. Jack goes to check Gwen's computer for anything on Oswald Danes. He asks if Esther knows anything. She says he just seems to be your average monster who happened to pick the right day to be executed. He's not connected to the rest of this. Jack cues up a video of Oswald in an interview saying that he WAS forgiven by a "substantial number" of people and he thinks forgiveness is a sort of "cure". At PhiCorp, Jilly shoves Oswald into a conference room with three men in suits and walks away. Juarez gets back to her seat and calls Rex, asking who the hell that woman was. Rex says she works for him. Chrissy: Yeah, don't let her catch you saying that. Diandra: Especially as long as people can suffer horribly without dying. He asks if she's at the meeting. She says yeah, but it's not really a meeting. More like a presentation. He asks her to keep the line open so he can hear it. Hope you fully charged your phone this morning. Jilly arrives, waves at her and sits in a seat in the front just as the lights go out and a video starts. It's your average corporate introductory thing by a congressman named Morganthall. Underground Hub. Jack wanders back over to listen as Morganthall welcomes people from Los Angeles, Cleveland, DC, Dallas, Singapore, Hong Kong...Rex cuts him off before he can finish that list to confirm that Americans - just like the Brits apparently - think that multiples cities in the US plus maybe two in other countries can be considered "worldwide". PhiCorp was definitely ready for this. Esther notes our earlier question, probably relating it in part to the Oswald question: they knew about it, but does that mean they CAUSED it? Morganthall is talking about how times have changed and the need for drugs is greater than the current healthcare providers can prescribe. So he's introducing legislation to make all drugs available without prescription. UnderHub. Esther and Rex note that this will REALLY increase their sales and they are going to be raking a HUGE profit from the Miracle. Yeah, that would be the plan. Obviously. Esther looks up and notices that Jack has suddenly disappeared. Gwen finds Jilly's office and plugs a flash drive into her computer so she can download some files or something. Back in the lecture hall, Big Brother...sorry...Morganthall is saying this doesn't stop at new laws. They need to create an entirely new society. Jilly gets up and leaves suddenly and Juarez pulls her phone up to relate this to Rex. Rex jumps up and types "trouble kitzinger" into the contact program. Rex tells Juarez to call Jilly. She splutters. Meanwhile, Jilly enters her office and digs through folders in the cabinet on the far side of the room. Gwen is hiding behind this cabinet, like, two feet away. Jilly starts heading for the computer when her phone rings. "I have some...can...can you come here? Can I ask you some questions," Juarez babbles clumsily. Jilly says yeah, sure. Is everything okay? She sounds kind of shaky. She leaves the room and Gwen goes to retrieve the flash drive just as the computer screen announces that the file download is complete. UnderHub. Rex and Esther's celebration over their successfully completed mission is cut short as a phone vibrates loudly and they slowly realize it's not either of their phones. It's the one Rex took from Friedkin. Esther taps some keys on one of the laptops and nods at Rex. He flips open the phone, looks at the spinning triangle for a second, and answers. There's nothing but the occasional beep from the laptop as he repeatedly prompts somebody to tell him who this is. It goes dead again and Esther announces that she has nothing because it hit another "vine". But it's possible they traced the call. Rex says yeah, which is why they have to leave. He leaps up and starts packing things. She follows suit, but notes that he's smiling for some reason. He brightly says he thinks they just might be worried now. Jack climbs through a window somewhere and barely hits the ground before Oswald comes in the room and asks "are you ready for me?" Chrissy: Well, I'm still a bit sore from Brad last night, but... Diandra: Oh, COME ON. Chrissy: Hey, if you think I'm going to miss an opportunity to ship your former crush with one of your current ones you are sadly mistaken. Jack is like 'um...okay?' Oswald says he'd apologize for being late, but he was "needed" across town. This is a live interview, right? Who's interviewing him? Jack says um, it's...then he just gives up and pulls his gun. Chrissy: Didn't think that one through, did you? Diandra: It's Jack. Does he ever? Oswald calmly turns to face him and admits he always knew somebody like him would come eventually. Jack asks why Oswald was meeting with PhiCorp today. Did they mention the name Jack Harkness? Chrissy: Ugh. It can't ALWAYS BE ABOUT YOU. Oswald says no, he's never heard that name before, but if it's that much of a concern to him it's obviously HIS name. Jack pulls out a recording device and turns it on. He says he just wants Oswald to talk. He saw the video of him claiming he feels forgiven for killing a child, but that's obviously a lie. Oswald asks what makes him so sure of that. Jack barks at him to TELL THE TRUTH DAMNIT. He doesn't feel sorry at all, does he? Chrissy: I'm sure this is all relevant to the A plot somehow. Diandra: JUST BE PATIENT, DAMNIT! Oswald starts rambling about how tempting the girl was and how easily she bruised and she was just so PERFECT. He gets right up close until Jack's gun is practically pressed against his throat. He goes vaguely crazy eyes as he gushes about how he felt her life leave her body THROUGH him and it was AMAZING and has Jack ever felt something like that? Jack just stares in horror, probably thinking about the Master or some similar psycho who got off on watching him die repeatedly. Oswald says he keeps reliving that memory because it was the best moment of his life. Jack puts his gun away and calmly says he understands now. Oswald actually wants to die. Oswald's face twitches. "World without death and you get to live. And it's killing you." Chrissy: That's a very elaborate form of suicide depending on how far back he was planning it. Diandra: Might not have been planned. He may have killed the girl, but it could have been an accident and the remorse of it made him suicidal. Doesn't make him less of a monster really. Just human. Humans are the worst kind of monsters. Oswald asks what he's planning to do with that recording. Jack says well, they ARE in a broadcasting center, so... Oswald nods and calls in the guards outside the door. He stands back so they can wrestle Jack into a stranglehold, then turns to explain that PhiCorp is now providing him with protection. He instructs the goons to just "get rid of him", but "don't hurt him". Then, as he's going out the door, he amends that they can hurt him a little, just not on the face because "that's how it's done these days". So the next thing we see is Oswald on live television, clarifying (in a total about-face typical of someone who has been paid a lot of money to sell their soul) that he didn't mean all DRUGS should be free, but that all ACCESS to drugs should be free without prescription. Because god forbid a major company not make an enormous profit. He acknowledges this and suggests that maybe it will inspire those drug companies making the massive profits to take care of people since the government isn't stepping up. Chrissy: Spoken like someone who has read "Atlas Shrugged" too many times. Diandra: Too many times being "more than once". He spews some more bullshit about how the drug companies need us and they tried to help him when he was in prison and bullshit bullshit. Meanwhile, Jack is beaten up by the PhiCorp goons and tossed out into the street, where a starry eyed idiot asks if he saw Oswald in there like he's the new messiah. A bunch more people - some with Soulless masks - are watching the broadcast in the background like the gullible sheep they are as Oswald spews more bullshit about the future being scary but they should join him and face the new world order together. We close on his face as he smarmily repeats "walk with me". Because that's not ominous at all. Chrissy: Oof. This season is going to be just as dark as the last one, isn't it? Diandra: Nah, it's more like season 2 except EVERYBODY has Owen's zombie condition. So, morbid, but ends on a better note because I'm pretty sure the good guys (except maybe one of the new women and now I don't trust myself to remember which one) all survive. Chrissy: Why did I ever let you convince me to recap this weird show with you? Diandra: Because you love me and deep down you're as big a masochist as I am? Chrissy: Yeah. That must be it.