"Torchwood: Miracle Day, episode 4: Escape to L.A." Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Mekhi Phifer, Alexa Havins, Bill Pullman, Lauren Ambrose In the intro, Russell notes that the villains finally start to appear in this episode. Oof. Just now? Previously, Jack describes the Miracle as a morphic field that suspended the human race and is determinedly preventing people (or the remains of what used to be people) from dying. Esther revealed she has a sister with crippling anxiety or something. The team found out that PhiCorp knew the Miracle was going to happen somehow and are now using Oswald as their poster boy. And whoever is ultimately pulling all the strings may or may not be chasing them now because Rex took the phone they were using the contact the idiot responsible for the original Jurassic Park catastrophe. Somewhere in Washington DC, Esther goes to visit her sister Sarah, who lives in a suburban house that has recently been boarded up and spray painted with "KEEP OUT" threats. Sarah is slow to answer the door what with the twenty five locks on it and the obvious paranoia. She hisses through the door that some people came around looking for Esther. They asked all sorts of questions. Esther tries to remain calm and chipper as she notes Sarah's decorating job and asks where the kids are. Sarah says they're in the house. Esther asks to see them. Sarah vehemently says she would NEVER hurt them. Esther is like yeah, I know, um...but I'm leaving town today, so... Sarah warns her not to go to Boston because they have cholera. Oh, and stay away from Philadelphia because dysentery. And New York has typhus and hemhoragic fever. Chrissy: So basically, she's that one relative who spends way too much time watching the news and refuses to go anywhere or do anything that she heard once might possibly be dangerous. Diandra: Don't go to Manhattan because the crime is awful and don't go ANYWHERE by plane because you're totally going to get killed! Chrissy: Oh, you have one of those too? Diandra: One? Esther says that's just what they're saying online and it isn't THAT bad. Yeah, good luck with that argument. Sarah says there's something in the air, isn't there? It's infected everyone and made them "godless". Esther begs to see the kids again (who are apparently both...or all...girls) and Sarah says she is NOT letting them outside before slamming the door in Esther's face. Somewhere in the distance, one of the kids shrieks at mom to MAKE HER STOP doing whatever she's doing. Esther calls a promise through the closed door that Sarah is SAFE, then lowers her voice and adds that she's working with people who are going to stop this. She says she'll come back as soon as she can, but begs again to say goodbye to the girls. Sarah refuses. And now I'm pretty sure I remember her dying at the end of this season, which makes this even worse. Esther cries, vows again to come back as soon as possible, and goes to the car where she makes an anonymous call to social services before leaving. I know that's a difficult thing to do and it's easy to say this when it's not your family, but...that should have been done a long time ago. In another car...somewhere...some guy who looks like some sort of hitman or private contractor for the military or something announces that he's found Esther. A voice on the bluetooth speaker orders him to follow her to Harkness and "do what you like with the others". The spinning triangle is showing on the screen on his dash, so apparently there is sometimes somebody on the other end of that call. Bleeping credits. We continue to do exposition through news reports. Today's announce that the healthcare system is reaching a crisis state. Chrissy: And that's before the religious conservatives defund free clinics and repeal Obamacare. Diandra: Let's try to get through one recap without making ourselves angry about the shit happening in real life, shall we? Chrissy: Sorry. But I'm afraid this show is not exactly going to make it easy to escape. Diandra: No, but maybe it will be cathartic because I can promise that ultimately the good guys will win here and there is an END to the mess. Apparently it's keeping lawyers in business though as everything has gone all wild west again. One interviewee says he had to sue his boss for firing him after he had a heart attack that in the old reality would have killed him. Chrissy: I'm sorry sir, that falls under the category of "pre-existing condition", so... Diandra: What did I just say? Chrissy: Sorry, ma'am. And now we have the newest bad guy of the show: Ellis Hartley Monroe, effectively a tea bagger, played by Mare Winningham. Chrissy: Oh, an American HITL(er)! Diandra: Mare is TOO recognizable for Hey It's That Lady status, so no. We're not doing that again. She rants about how the White House, the Vatican and all the world's scientists are "silent" and SOMEBODY needs to speak up for the living. We cut back to the first reporter again, who says pharmaceutical companies are having record profits. But that's not suspicious or anything. Also, PhiCorp has pledged some sort of payback scheme for the Los Angeles area where they are headquartered. This is apparently our cue that the show is now relocating to Los Angeles. We get some establishing shots of palm trees, women in bikinis and your requisite street performer and flower child before the chyron identifies this as Venice Beach. A car pulls up to the curb and Rex grumbles that he is sick of looking at the team's "ugly faces" after 2,700 miles. Good lord, they drove all the way across America? There are so many potential stories to mine over the week that must have taken. And C. Thomas Howell's name just appeared in the credits and I realized he was the guy in the car tailing Esther earlier. In my defense, he was wearing sunglasses. Chrissy: Also, the creepy thing kind of makes it hard to recognize him as Pony Boy. Diandra: ...Pony Boy? Chrissy: Don't tell me you don't know who that is. Diandra: Well, I mean...of course I do because I read the book, but... Chrissy: You never saw the movie. Okay, well, you recognize him from E.T. then, right? Diandra: He was Elliot? Chrissy: [sigh] No. What DO you know him from? Diandra: The recurring serial killer on Criminal Minds who stabbed Hotch. Chrissy: Of course. You realize that just makes it worse that you didn't recognize him, right? Rex asks if anybody has change for the meter because the last thing they need is some meter maid figuring out the car is stolen. None of them do, so he goes to get change for a bill from the nearest newsstand while they wander over to the beach to marvel at the Pacific ocean. Jack says it's been decades since he last saw it. About seven decades, in fact. Esther is still not sure if he's joking when he says shit like that. Gwen asks where PhiCorp headquarters is from this location and Esther points inland and says it's technically the next city over. So why did you come to this one first? Jack says they need to find somewhere to hide to plan their next move. Gwen votes they stay close to the water because it's pretty and there are seals and dolphins and possibly whales playing in it. True story: I was once driving down the Pacific Coast Highway when a dolphin did a flip out of the water RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Back at the car, Rex is eating a burger he just got when somebody hands him a flyer that says "dead is dead" and says "believe!" He looks at the nearby wall plastered with these flyers and calls Juarez back in DC to ask if she knows anything about this. She sighs that it's the latest campaign spearheaded by that Ellis woman, who is a small town mayor with big aspirations. Juarez asks where Rex is right now. He says he can't say, but...hypothetically, where would one go to find no- questions-asked prescription drugs in Los Angeles? Chrissy: Worst. Spy. Ever. She asks what he's doing in LA. He says he never told her that's where he was. She's like yeah, whatever, I don't have a network of drug runners all over the country so I don't know why you're bothering with this call. She redirects back to the Dead is Dead thing. Apparently Ellis thinks people who would have died without the intervention of the Miracle should be treated as if they did. And now that that bit of exposition is over, she has to go back to work. Juarez goes back into the rundown hospital she and a group of people are getting shown around. It hasn't been in use since the early nineties. The woman leading them exposits that they are serving as representatives for several hospitals, all of which have ICUs with exploding populations. She suggests using this facility for the overflow. Juarez notes that they would need equipment and staff, but the woman brushes that off, saying they've already accounted for it. Indian guy concludes that their plan is basically to put people in this building and close the doors and "do you know what they used to call that in the old days? A plague ship." The lady stresses that this is a stop gap measure and they will need to start implementing it tomorrow because the "people" want a solution yesterday. Juarez and Indian guy both protest that that is an impossible time frame. Chrissy: Yeah, I mean, it's not like people will stand for completely burning the healthcare system to the ground without ANY actionable plans to replace it. Diandra: .......... Chrissy: Sorry. The lady says for a lot of people, the Miracle really IS a miracle and they're ready to move on with their new lives. Juarez is like 'yeah, as long as they don't have to look at the old and sick people suffering because of it, right?' Yes, welcome to the human race, Juarez. We have always been like this. The lady says as much, noting the Indian guy's comment about the plague ship. Also, you know...nursing homes. A heavily tattooed bald guy shows the team into an apartment and says it's the best he can do with the "no questions asked" qualifier. Rex notes that all they need is electricity and a roof over their heads, so... Also water might be important. Just saying. Tattooed guy guesses it wouldn't do him any good to ask who they are. Jack answers that they're with a travelling circus. Rex immediately chimes in that Jack is their clown. Gwen deadpans that she's usually the bearded woman, but she shaved. Jack jokes that she "missed a bit". Chrissy: Jesus, they're like bratty siblings with no adult in sight. Diandra: I thought Esther was the adult. Also, HE STARTED IT. Jack hands the guy a wad of cash and says he can get more tomorrow provided nobody is told they are here. And he should tell them if anybody asks for them. The guy says yeah, sure, and by the way, "there's a cafe on the corner does a guava jalapeno cheese tart that's just fabulous." Now fully in a "flaming gay twink" voice, he exits while calling "laters!" Chrissy: So the guy who looks like a biker gang cliche that just got out of prison is a total California flower child. Possibly a bottom. Diandra: I love when people defy stereotypes. Rex sighs and asks if Jack makes everyone around him gay. Chrissy: Shit. They're catching on to the plan. Quick! Throw a glitter bomb so we can escape out the back and continue our plot to take over the world! Esther, already tapping away at a laptop, announces that they will use this place as the delivery address for that spare server and start in on PhiCorp and some technobabble about a security profile. Gwen gets a call and darts out the door with awkward excuses to take it. So she's wandering around a park in sunny California, assuring her husband that she is sufficiently miserable because it's Torchwood so of course they're working out of a shed with no water or electricity and it's cold and dark and damp. Rhys notes that that doesn't sound like the California they always hear about on television. Yeah, well...you've never seen it in the winter. I mean, it's not as bad as England, but it's not that much better either. Chrissy: Still better than here in MinneCanada. I mean...it's the opposite of damp, but that's because it's so cold that all the moisture in the air falls to the ground as ice. Rhys starts noting that he can hear voices in the background. Gwen says it's street gangs. A seagull flies overhead and she claims it's a crazy woman on a rampage. "Anyway, so how's my little girl?" Rhys laughs and reminds her that she promised to stop calling him that. Come on, show. Stop making this so easy. But seriously, he's not putting her on because it took him two hours to get her to sleep. Gwen reminds him that she's not out here on holiday or anything. She's working. Yeah, so? Rhys asks what's going on with PhiCorp then. Gwen says Esther is still working on bouncing a signal off a Chinese satellite, so she can't say too much yet. She changes the conversation to her dad and asks if Rhys can get him out of the hospital. Rhys says no, because according to the news NOBODY is allowed to move right now. But he should be safe. She says she doesn't trust the hospitals anymore. Her phone beeps and she says she has to go but she'll call him "tonight". Rhys protests that it's ALREADY "tonight", but she hangs up before she realizes her complete obliviousness to timezones. Chrissy: She's going to call him at three in the morning and wonder why he's asleep. Diandra: Jesus. My GRANDMOTHER gets this concept and she still doesn't get that different countries use different currencies. Somewhere off in the distance, Creepy Pony Boy is taking pictures of her with a big telephoto lens. He gets a call on his phone and looks at the spinning triangle on the screen before answering with "Torchwood located". Chrissy: Well, hello to you too. You know, it would kill you to have some manners. Diandra: Ugh. Fine. Hello. How are you? Nice weather we're having. So, do you want me to whack these people or not? Gwen comes back inside apologizing. Esther brushes it off, saying they all have family and the sooner they finish this the sooner they can see them. Chrissy: Um...no, not all of you. I don't know about Rex, but after last season I'm thinking "estranged" doesn't begin to cover the state of Jack's relationship to his family. Jack has a projector aimed at a big blank wall, similar to what they had back at the hub in the conference room. Rex repeats the thing about lifting security protocols and adds something about Jilly Kitzinger's files. Gwen says she's on it. Jack starts playing a video of an Oswald interview again and Gwen is like "what is your obsession with this guy?" Chrissy: There's just something about him that makes Jack's stomach get all fluttery. Diandra: ...tell me you are not throwing something I said when I was a preteen back in my face. Chrissy: I am not throwing something you said when you were a preteen back in your face. Diandra: You're just repeating what I said because I told you to, aren't you? Chrissy: Yes. But honestly, I don't think you've ever given any reasoning behind your crushes. There's just some guys you shamelessly drool over and some you don't and I have to learn by trial and error which ones are which. Diandra: Huh. So all those random pictures you send me for my birthday and comments you make are just you testing me? Chrissy: Maybe. So what did you see in Bill Pullman? Diandra: I don't remember. I was twelve. Maybe the same thing I saw in Harrison Ford and the Professor from Gilligan's Island? Chrissy: You still have a crush on Harrison Ford. Diandra: Who doesn't? Chrissy: Well. I have completely forgotten what we were talking about originally. How about you? Jack says he's putting a trace on Oswald so they know where he's at at all times. Esther asks if they have anything else on Kitzinger. Rex says she's freelance and has only been working with PhiCorp for the past six months. Presumably before that she was selling arms to warlords in Africa and torturing kittens. Or something. Rex thinks she just happened to be in the right place at the right time and isn't really CONNECTED to all of this. Because the best trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. Esther points out that they said the same thing about Oswald, so why are they wasting time tracking these people? Jack thinks it's not a waste of time because the phenomenon they're trying to uncover is basically invisible and these people are at ground zero of it. He paraphrases a part of George Elliot's "Middlemarch" where Elliot notes that random scratches on metal can start forming patterns if you hold them up to a light. Yeah, basically anything random can look like patterns to the human eye because that's what the human eye is designed to DO. We make order out of chaos and read meaning into random events because it's how we make sense of the world. It's why we see patterns in clouds and shadows on the moon. Jack likens Oswald to the flame in this scenario. If they keep watching him, the patterns surrounding him will eventually come into better focus. In a hotel room somewhere, Oswald is marveling at the comforts of his new, much fancier hotel, including opening all the fizzy waters in the minibar just to hear the hiss of carbon dioxide. Beelzebub (aka Jilly) interrupts and hands him a folder with statistics they need him to memorize. She says the White House is planning a rally in LA, so they may have to go there by the end of the week. Of course. Because that's where everybody else is now and we can't have people scattered all over the vast wilderness that is North America. She says the good news is PhiCorp has asked her to stay with Oswald. That's good news? He notes that that must be killing her as she can't stand the sight of him. Since when? She says yeah, well...it isn't her job to LIKE him. She can schlep him around and schedule him for interviews and get him coffee as long as she doesn't have to look at him too much. More specifically, at his hands, because she can't look at them without thinking about what he did. Seriously, who is this woman and since when does she give a rat's ass who he killed? He asks if she's curious why anyone would consider HIM important. "How much do you know about our masters at PhiCorp?" He says he did some research last night and gets a little distracted as he notes that it's been a LONG time since he was allowed internet access. Chrissy: So you might want to just burn the laptop I used because I'm pretty sure some of the shitload of porn I downloaded contained enough viruses to render it a doorstop. Anyway. He says he was trying to find out who controls PhiCorp, but all he found was a bunch of red herrings. He says he recognized the pattern because he has experience hiding online. This is just the same thing on a global scale. Then he realizes that he has an interview at 3:30 and he should get going. Jilly says actually, that was cancelled. Because since the media - and the public viewership - has the attention span of a goldfish, they would rather talk to Ellis Monroe "the darling of the Tea Party." For redundancy, Jilly adds that she is "radical" and turns on the TV where Ellis is repeating her "dead is dead" line, arguing that people who should be dead are "draining the resources" from the living. Chrissy: I think Russell might have his American politics backward. I don't know of many Tea Baggers who don't sound like that pro-life guy Juarez was arguing with last episode. Diandra: I stopped trying to understand tea baggers around the time they realized the hilarious irony in using that name and started pretending they had never used it. Jilly's point in this is apparently that Oswald needs to do something different if he wants to stay relevant. We switch to Rex watching the same speech in LA as Ellis suggests rounding up all the people who should have died and putting them someplace AWAY from the rest of society. Chrissy: I take back what I just said. This show predicted the Tea Party's evolution into the neo-Nazi "Alt Right" before anybody else. Diandra: In all fairness, I think a LOT of Liberals saw that coming because they actually read history books and can see patterns forming. Esther mercifully cuts her off by arriving with some aspirin for Rex. She asks if he has family in California somewhere. He says no, he's from New York. She says but she went through his file and... "There's no one," he snaps. Huh. Secret family member we don't talk about then. Those are always fun. They stop talking and we are forced to listen to Ellis conclude that segregation is sometimes a good thing and these living dead people shouldn't get the same rights as everyone else. Because this temporary reprieve is going to end eventually and they will die. Rex touches his chest wound and swallows nervously. Chrissy: Oh. Right. I was kind of starting to like him, but I suppose he's one of the inevitable casualties when everything reverses. Diandra: Um.........let's just say that he's still a character in the tie-in novel John Barrowman wrote that takes place right after this season. Chrissy: The what? Diandra: Did we just skip over the fact that the black man is listening to a white tea bagger argue for segregation? Chrissy: No, I just figured it was obvious enough what with the equal rights and internment camp talk. At a run down apartment somewhere, a guy comes home to find a door ajar. He puts down the several plastic bags he's carrying and pulls a shotgun from his backpack, slowly creeping through the apartment to the soundtrack of a domestic argument next door and thumping music from who knows where. It's a really shitty place, basically. He finds Rex in the bathroom. Rex greets him as "dad". Uh-huh. Dad asks what the hell he's doing here. Rex holds up a box of those pain pills PhiCorp was stocking up on and announces that they look like "stolen property". Apparently this is not an unrealistic accusation - mostly because there are several large boxes full of more of the pills in the bathtub. Dad asks if Rex is going to arrest him for it. Rex points out that the CIA doesn't do that. Dad goes on a rant about how no, they don't. They just torture people and they already RUINED THE WORLD and this is ALL A GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENT. Chrissy: Actually, I'm pretty sure it's either purgatory or you slipped into some weird alternate reality. Diandra: ......... Chrissy: Yes, that was another "Lost" reference. Diandra: Alternate reality? Chrissy: I'm sure it was a theory at some point. Dad says he doesn't WANT to live forever like this. Rex finally grabs the gun he's waving around wildly and points it back at him. Dad says it's not even loaded. Rex clicks it open to expose the backsides of two bullets. Dad is like yeah, well...screw you. Have you seen this neighborhood? He takes a swig from a nearby bottle of liquor. Rex tosses the gun aside and says he doesn't HAVE to live like this. They have the standard 'what do you know about MY life' argument for a couple lines and dad asks again why Rex came here. Rex hesitates for a long moment, then pulls aside his shirt to show dad the wound that would have killed him if not for this "Miracle". Dad is like yeah? So? I've been dying for the last fifteen years and you never tried to contact me. Dude, seriously? So Rex leaves. But he takes that one little box of pills with him. Back at NewHub, the server arrives. Esther exposits that there are 100 servers inside the PhiCorp building that look just like that one and are used to store corporate data. According to what they got off of Jilly, number 113 is secure and only accessible by select higher ups. Esther stresses that this won't be easy as the firewalls make it impossible for them to get the information any other way than to steal the actual physical server and replace it with the duplicate they just got. Gwen points out that theirs is just a box of nothing. Esther suggests finding a way to damage it so PhiCorp thinks the data was lost by accident. Gwen's phone rings just then and she apologizes and turns it off, but not before sending a quick message. In Wales, Rhys receives a "NOT NOW!" text and tells baby Arwen on his lap that that's her mother. Yep. Rex asks how they can get him into the building. Jack says no, he's a CIA agent, so they can't risk trying to get him through security. Rex asks why HE would be able to get through any easier. Gwen reminds Rex that Jack has already removed any reference to Torchwood, which would include him. So unless he runs into one of the million or so ex boyfriends he has scattered all over the world... Esther suggests Rex would be put to better use strategizing. She zooms the image on the wall into the blueprint of the server room on floor 33 of the facility. It has heavy biometric security. The only person who has total access is the Asian guy who designed it. They need to use his voice print, palm print and retina scan. Rex smiles as he gets an idea. Cut to Jack and Gwen strolling through a park giggling and holding hands. They run right into the Asian guy and a woman I assume is his wife, taking their kid for a walk in a baby stroller. Gwen gushes and gooes over the baby in her best effort at an American accent. Jack plays the "don't I know you from somewhere" card. Nicolas Jackson, right? Nicolas says no...Frumkin. Jack keeps chatting with him - claiming his name is John Smith - while Esther, back at NewHub, plays back a recording of Nicolas saying his own name. Gwen asks if she can hold the baby and hands her steel water bottle to Nicolas to hold, which Rex later lifts the prints from. Chrissy: And then they tackle him to the ground and cut out one of his eyes. Diandra: Ha. No. Gwen pulls out her phone to show them a picture of "their" baby and holds it close enough for Esther to get a photo from the front camera. Gwen keeps rambling and declaring everything "awesome" because it's the one reliable Americanism Brits know. Except she has apparently run out of things she can say reliably with that accent and winds up declaring "sure thing, hot diggity!" in parting. "You are so never doing that accent again," Jack laughs. Gwen agrees that it was "mortifying". Oh, was it for you too? Awesome. So back in DC, things are already falling apart at Plagueship Hospital. Two of the hospitals sent ALL their patients at the same time and they don't have electricity on the second floor so they're all crowded in the halls of the first. Also, a hospice sent their patients over because all the hospices are closing down since there's no point to them anymore. Um...wouldn't it make more sense to change their focus to caring for terminally ill undead people? The...I'm guessing he's an intern, but he might be a nurse...bemoans the fact that they are overwhelmed already because it takes forever to process ONE patient. He gets distracted by a woman kneeling beside an elderly man by the entrance. He says the "public" isn't allowed in here. She shoves a bag full of the man's medications and belongings at him and begs him to just TAKE HIM. She's sick of taking care of him because all he does is piss and throw up everything he eats and she tried but she can't look after him FOREVER. She runs away, the nurse/intern chasing after her spluttering protests. Juarez goes into a giant room with cots everywhere and yells at a nurse that the hallway behind her should be EMPTY and this is "disgraceful". Yeah, well...what the hell are they going to do? She walks around the minefield of people and discarded trash until an old man stops her to ask why the staff all have face masks and the patients don't. She apologizes that they're still working out correct procedures and he should give them time. He complains that he doesn't want to be here with these...corpses. What if they're infectious? Juarez takes off her face mask and hands it to him while a woman asks if somebody can take the screaming child outside because it isn't safe in here. Also, nobody knows who she belongs to and she won't stop screaming, which is REALLY ANNOYING. Juarez accosts another nurse to complain that the kid has no paperwork and this is INSANE and she should find Sally Richter and tell her they have an emergency. Sometime later she goes outside to what looks like a mobile army station to take off her protective gear and complains that this is NOT sterile. The lady whose idea this whole plagueship thing was says transitions are messy and overall it's working so far. She DID tell Juarez this was a temporary measure. Juarez asks what the long term solution is and reminds her she's on the medical panel. The lady is like yeah, ONE OF THEM. There are fifteen in DC alone. She trails off as she notices Bagger Ellis talking to a group of reporters nearby. She and Juarez approach cautiously as Ellis commends the "bold thinking" employed by this hospital that is a perfect example of what she has been saying. Chrissy: In case you needed a sign that this is a bad idea...here you go. Jilly is also nearby for some reason and she walks away from the little ad hoc press conference and climbs into a limo with a sneering Oswald. "Those cameras were here for me," he whines. He says if he loses his platform he'll be thrown back to the mob. Oh, that would just be tragic. Hang on, let me get my violin so I can play something for you. It might take me a while to find it. It's really small. He lashes out at her, blustering that if there's even a possibility of that happening he will get angry with her and then PhiCorp will get angry with her and she better FIX THIS. Jilly gets out and slams the door in a huff. To reinforce the point, we hear a broadcaster explain from somewhere that Ellis and her philosophy are surpassing drug campaign people like Oswald Danes. He gets out of the car and marches right past the clot of reporters and gets some poor overworked staff person to give him a face mask and gloves. The reporters turn their focus to him like golden retrievers who have suddenly spotted a squirrel. Ellis slowly realizes they aren't listening anymore and turns to see Oswald waving at them before going into the hospital. Inside, he basically starts sermonizing to the people in that big room that those people out there are AFRAID of them, but he isn't. He understands. He's just like them. A woman complains that she's cold and he makes a big production of getting a blanket for her. Then he makes a speech about how they are the unwanted who have been abandoned by society and those people out there are telling all sorts of dangerous lies about them. They don't have anyone speaking on their behalf yet, but he will selflessly volunteer to be that person. He will NOT REST until they get what they need and are treated with the dignity they deserve. One of the patients starts recording him on his cell phone. A few patients start touching him and saying "bless you" like he's the new messiah. Because desperate people in shitty situation always flock to arrogant charlatans who tell them exactly what they want to hear. Chrissy: But we're not thinking of anyone specific here. Diandra: Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Castro, Putin, Trump, Amin, every leader of North Korea... Chrissy: Yeah, like I said. No ONE specifically. And then the old guy pipes up that he recognizes this man and he's a BASTARD. Oswald spews some bullshit about how he won't hide who he is and he's here to stand with them and blah blah. He takes off the mask and continues his all-flair-and-no- substance spew about how they are all the SAME and he used to be faithless and lost too until he saw the LIGHT and he ROSE AGAIN and they can all experience the same rapture he did! Chrissy: He is literally presenting himself as a Christ figure. Diandra: Yep. Why are we not drinking? Chrissy: I already told you: you drank it all. Diandra: You told me that on the last episode. We haven't restocked yet? You're really not keeping up with your duties as recap helper here. The woman complaining about the screaming kid begs him to get her some help because she's been abandoned. He picks the child up, proclaims her "fine" and announces that dead is NOT dead. Life is life. He holds up the child and proclaims that she will live FOREVER. The child waves at whatever parent or social worker is just off camera. Outside, Jilly excitedly calls a studio to order them to clear the schedule so they can get Oswald on again. Juarez passes by her and sneers that this is "disgusting". "I know," Jilly chortles gleefully. Chrissy: Well, that summarizes this whole thing nicely. Diandra: Yep. Ellis marches back to her limo and screams at one of her people for letting THAT MAN share the limelight with her. She tells them to call FOX and tell them she's headed back to New York. She accepts a coffee from the driver, gets in the car and orders him to take her to the hotel, then to see a Mr. Coolidge. There's a long pause while he starts the car and stares at her in the rearview mirror and she realizes that there's something wrong with the coffee. She passes out and the driver contacts the spinning triangle people. In a parking garage somewhere, Nicholas Frumkin gets in his car, adjusts his rearview mirror and probably shits himself as Evil Pony Boy springs up from the back seat and puts a knife to his neck. EPB turns on a recording device and asks what Nicholas' name is. Nicholas offers him money. EPB says he just needs him to say his name really clearly. EPB says there's an organization called Torchwood and they are about to access his secure server and now he needs the biometrics so he can access it too. Nicholas says he can just give him the code. EPB is like yeah...I'm not an idiot. There isn't a special code to bypass the super secure biometric locks anymore than there would be a toggle switch to turn off a giant bomb. Chrissy: Would you stop bringing that up in recaps for the wrong show? It's confusing. He turns off the recorder and announces that the next thing he needs is Nicholas' palm and one of his eyes and unlike the Torchwood people, he plans to get them the easy way. But it's okay, he assures Nicholas, because he won't die or anything. Jack and Rex torch the insides of the replacement server in NewHub. Then Rex and Esther take a van out to the building. Esther is working on some computers in the back, probably hacking the system remotely. Rex grumbles that he should be the one running this op, but he'll go check the server or whatever while Jack and Gwen do the fun part. Once he's gone, Esther picks up her phone to call social services and check on the status of her sister's case, claiming she is the FBI police liaison. The lady at social services confirms they are in the system and waiting for a foster home. Or foster homes. They'll try to keep them together, but... Esther says wait...they were removed from the house entirely? Social services was supposed to WORK with the family. The lady says they tried, but they deemed the environment unsafe and put the mother in psychiatric care. Esther's lip starts quivering and she asks how this happened. Lady starts figuring there's something fishy about this and asks what her name was again. Esther, who never gave it, demands to know where the mother is. The lady demands to know who she is and why she's calling. Esther hangs up and starts dialing another number but is interrupted by Rex returning to the van. We get a few overhead shots of downtown Los Angeles, possibly recycled from half of the shows on television. And then Gwen, dressed in a skirt suit and heavily made up and coifed... Chrissy: I think it's just called a suit. If it was pants it would be a pants suit. Diandra: Well, what the hell sort of sense does that make? Chrissy: Don't blame me. I didn't invent the patriarchal bias. ...walks down a hallway, stopping at a reflective glass to say "good luck". In the van, the contact lens programs' voice relays the message. Rex groans. Esther asks what's wrong with that. He complains that Torchwood is treating this like it's a game. Esther is distracted by her phone beeping and he launches into a tirade about who could POSSIBLY be texting her right now. She says it's personal. He reminds her that that phone isn't supposed to be USED for PERSONAL CALLS. She's like 'oh, look! they're in! let's focus on that now!' Gwen approaches a desk with a PhiCorp logo and tells a guy who looks like a security guard that she's here for the training sessions. She hands the guy a passport for Yvonne Pallister and says she's with International Sales. The guard says it doesn't look like there's any training going on today. Gwen says that's weird because she got an email from Lorraine in HR. The guard calls up to HR and is redirected to Esther out in the van, who says yes, this is Lorraine and she's expecting a Yvonne. They can send her up to the 21st floor. Down in the garage, Jack drives a delivery van in and is immediately sidelined by a guy yelping that he doesn't have any delivery on his schedule. Jack points to his clipboard, says it's for human resources and goes to unload crates while the guy calls upstairs. Esther answers again and explains that the shredder gave out and they had to rush order a new one. Chrissy: Because they have emergency shredding needs? Diandra: DON'T QUESTION IT. NONE OF THIS IS SUSPICIOUS! The guy shrugs and asks if Jack needs help with the ginormous box that could probably hold three standard shredders. Jack is like 'nope, where's the elevator?' and wheels the refrigerator size box away. Esther checks her phone and wipes away tears. Rex asks what's going on. She says nothing. Everything's fine. Gwen greets Jack coming off the elevator with a suggestive "hello, handsome. Love the uniform." Chrissy: Still haven't caught that sexual harassment in the workplace seminar then? He looks her up and down, says right back at her and starts down the hallway. She begs him to wait a second because these heels are KILLING HER. She takes them off and boggles at them and Jack is like yeah, can we hurry this up? He relays the plan that I would think Gwen should have been filled in on before they got to the building, but whatever. Once more for the audience. The fire department should respond within twelve minutes and Esther will direct them to the 14th floor, which will buy them another five minutes. "Let's go, mistress," he finishes and Gwen shows great restraint in not swatting him on the ass when he turns and walks away. In another hallway, Jack lights a piece of paper on fire and holds it up to the smoke detector until the alarms go off. All the other employees evacuate. Gwen and Jack approach the door to the server room and run through the security checks with Nicholas' voice, handprint copied onto a glove and Gwen's contacts somehow rigged to display his retina. Gwen looks at Jack as the doors open and admits that she didn't think that would actually work. Out in the van, Esther notes that they're in. Rex is like 'great, now can we talk about the obvious problems you're having and whether they might interfere with this job?' She gives the abbreviated explanation and assures him that she set up a relay so Social Services doesn't actually have her number. Jack and Gwen find server 113 and Gwen is interrupted while she's trying to disconnect by her own phone ringing. She holds it up briefly before answering and out in the van, Rex flips a shit because it was obviously Rhys and WHY ARE ALL THE WOMEN ON THIS TEAM BEING DISTRACTED BY FAMILY SHIT? Chrissy: Because they have relatives they actually speak to once in a while? Luckily, women tend to be really good at multitasking. Gwen holds the phone between her ear and her shoulder while she works on the server and asks if Anwen is okay. Rhys says she's fine, he's calling about her dad. There's no change, but Rhys made a fuss about moving him and... Gwen interrupts that she doesn't have time for this right now. Bottom line: can he get him out? Rhys says yes. Gwen repeatedly says she loves him, then orders him to do it and leave her alone. Also to give Anwen a kiss for mommy. She hangs up just as Jack finishes loading all the real parts of the server onto their duplicate, leaving her to put the damaged ones in their place. Esther guides her through the steps from the van. Then Rex, apparently deciding to just go with it now, starts talking to her about the sister situation and how difficult it must have been to make the call. Esther says she couldn't think of anything else because Sarah wouldn't even let her SEE the kids and the house was barricaded like there was a hurricane coming... Rex says wait...she WENT to the house? He starts screaming about how stupid and reckless that was because she could have been followed. She shrieks at him that she's DOING HER GODDAMN JOB and continues typing directions to Gwen. Rex yells that she compromised the security of the mission. And we cut back to Gwen as the man that was, in fact, following Esther arrives in the server room. She doesn't notice until he's right behind her, adjusting his gloves ominously. He punches her and Esther loses the signal out in the van. In the garage, Jack finds the guy who let him in sitting in the delivery van with a belt wrapped around his neck and realizes Gwen is in danger. He goes running back. Esther explains that the contacts only work if the person wearing them is conscious. Did we go over that before or is this another thing we're throwing in for convenience? Chrissy: Why do you keep asking questions like this when it's pretty obvious what the answer is? Diandra: I keep hoping one of these times I'll be surprised? Rex is yelling about how this is all probably Esther's fault again. Jack bursts into the server room, gun drawn. Let's not ask how he got past the locks this time. He finds Gwen tied up with electrical cords between stacks. In the van, the video comes back online to show Jack's face with the robotic computer voice asking "are you all right? can you hear me?" Rex and Esther watch in horror as EPB comes up behind him and knocks him out. Rex repeats that this is ALL HER FAULT (although he can't possibly know that for sure yet) and cocks his gun before jumping out of the van. Rex runs past the probably undead guard in the van like, I guess nobody is concerned about this kind of thing anymore. He's waiting for an elevator that doesn't seem to be coming and asks if Esther can override it. She's like 'no, elevators always stop working in the event of a fire, jackass'. Except she's being nicer. He heads for the stairs and she points out that sixty-six flights of stairs isn't exactly going to do his gaping chest wound any good. He grumbles and starts up them anyway. Jack comes awake tied to one of the computer banks with cables next to Gwen. She asks if he's okay. He asks what happened, but she doesn't get a chance to say anything before EPB reappears. Gwen asks who the hell he is anyway. He says names aren't important. So I guess we'll have to stick with Evil Pony Boy then. Jack asks what he wants. He starts rambling about how Miracle Day has kind of made work difficult for people like him. So imagine his excitement to find somebody who is actually mortal. Gwen points out that if Jack is the only person who can die, it would be in his best interest to keep him alive. EPB says yeah, that's what I've been doing, genius. He squats beside Jack, getting really up in his grill as he smarms about how very FASCINATING he is. Chrissy: Okay, I'm trying really hard not to point out how much he is like one of the creepy sexual predator bad guys on "Sherlock", but COME ON. Diandra: Yeah, why do shows always sexualize their bad guys? While all this is going on, by the way, Esther is whimpering apologies in the van and Rex is huffing and panting and bleeding through his shirt again. EPB says he's been hired to "eradicate" Jack, but he's curious what it is about THIS MAN that makes him so special. Why is he the only mortal human? Jack says he's been trying to figure that out himself. Esther types into the laptop and Gwen reads "ask who his employer is" on the contacts. She hisses that she KNOWS that, thanks. Then she goes ahead and asks EPB. EPB ignores both her and the fact that she's clearly talking to somebody outside the room and directs his answer at Jack. He says Jack should know who he works for and "they told me it was a very long time ago. Don't you remember?" This is too vague to really have any sort of meaning, but Jack seems to be straining to recall something. EPB moves over to Gwen and threatens to slit her throat if Jack doesn't tell him what he wants. He holds a nasty looking knife to her neck and murmurs that he's not sure if it makes it better or worse to know that her pain would last forever, but, hey, at least she wouldn't die. Jack starts squirming and yelping cliches like "leave her alone!" He repeats that he doesn't KNOW anything. EPB sighs and pulls the knife away from Gwen. He says he's very "special to them". Then he starts rambling about rumors of a "new society" on Earth that he would like to be part of. Chrissy: When did you say this series aired? Diandra: 2011. Chrissy: So...he could totally mean the alien colonization that was supposed to happen in December of 2012. Diandra: Didn't that turn out to be an just overly elaborate cover up for what the government was really doing? Chrissy: I don't know. I didn't actually see that last season. My point WAS that if this aired in 2011, they didn't know that yet and there's a potential crossover here. Diandra: What, so...collapse human civilization via elaborate process that makes everybody immortal first and then by December of 2012 they'll be down to a manageable number and the aliens can take over as per the agreement they made with the government? Chrissy: Exactly. Like "The Walking Dead", but WAY less efficient. In fact, you could do it as a three (or maybe four if you wanted to finally give Walking Dead some sort of actual direction) way crossover fic that ends with The Doctor helping Torchwood save Earth and nobody remembered that it happened when "X-Files" came back because they'd all been retconed. Diandra: ...how much caffeine have you had today? Chrissy: What? Why? Now that we're all completely confused... EPB would like to know what Jack gave his employers long ago. Jack is like 'how long ago? Like, what century?' Gwen just asks again who his employer is. He waves the knife in her face creepily and non- answers that they can't stop his employers. "For this is who they certainly are. They are everywhere. They are always. They are no-one. They have been waiting for such a long time. Searching the world for a specific geography." Jack asks what the HELL that's supposed to mean. Thank you, Jack, for playing audience surrogate today. EPB says it means they found "it". He stands up, puts the knife back in his jacket and pulls a gun. Gwen, undeterred by the barrel being pointed at her forehead, shrieks "WHO ARE THEY?!" EPB says they USED to have names, but before he can say what those names are, Rex shows up, dripping sweat, his shirt totally soaked in blood and shoots his entire clip into EPB. EPB slumps against the wall and gurgles blood while Rex sits across from Jack and Gwen to catch his breath. Gwen yelps that he was JUST ABOUT TO TELL THEM who he works for. Rex is like 'oh, you don't have to thank me. Just doing my job saving you from an eternity as a vegetable even though it caused me incredible pain and blood loss'. Gwen points out that Rex shot him in the THROAT. Rex doesn't see the problem here. Meanwhile, Oswald is continuing to refine his new religion. He's on a news program saying this whole "dead is dead" thing is hurtful to people like him and all it does is encourage mob rule. All the news people chatter about how Oswald is popular worldwide again and that video of him with the child went viral. They repeat that the White House is still not saying anything... Chrissy: Because they're waiting for word from the aliens. Diandra: Stop it. ...and suggest that Oswald is the "voice of the people" and the "one true representative" of the new post-miracle age. Oswald, Jilly and some bodyguards are walking backstage somewhere and Jilly is noting that he's managed to get himself trending like crazy. He scoffs that she makes it sound like he PLANNED this and he would NEVER. She says whatever, it's working. She says they're calling him the "Sainted Danes" in France. Because we still think the majority of French people are Catholic, apparently. He says that's almost blasphemous. Yeah. Almost. She babbles that he's definitely in for the "Miracle Rally" in Los Angeles, unseating Ellis for stage time, and the crowds are going to be packed. Speaking of Ellis, one of the reporters notes that they tried to contact her but were told that she wouldn't be making any statements "for the foreseeable future". We cut to Ellis waking up tied up and gagged in the backseat of the car. The phone line connects to the spinning triangle people and a voice apologizes for what's about to happen. He says if things had gone differently maybe they could have been friends. They liked her message and all "but we already have Oswald Danes and we don't need another." A giant claw picks up the car, shattering the front windows and caving in part of the roof. Besides, the voice says as the crane dumps the car in a compactor, she was kind of revealing parts of their plan too soon and it was threatening to ruin all their careful planning. "Because we are everywhere," he purrs as the compactor starts crushing the car and Ellis screams into her gag. "We are always. We are no-one. And soon the families will rise." The line cuts out. The crane dumps the crushed car back on the ground and the camera zooms into the twisted remains to focus on a single eye peeking through metal parts, still blinking and rolling around frantically. Chrissy: Okay, as cathartic as it might be to see a teabagger have to deal with the consequences of their horrible shit...that was morbid. Diandra: Yeah. Back at NewHub, Esther is announcing that she's running through a "primary sift" looking for patterns. Rex wanders in from the next room and Jack thanks him for saving them yesterday. Rex points to Gwen and says he was saving HER, actually. Jack just happened to come as part of a package deal. Esther apologizes for screwing everything up. Rex is like yeah, and that was your last warning, so DON'T FUCK UP AGAIN. Then he brushes that aside to ask if Jack knows who is behind this since EPB said it was somebody he knew once. Jack notes that without any further clues it's kind of difficult to pick somebody out of the MANY people he's known over his thousand-plus years of existence. Well...hundreds where you were actually in contact with anyone. I doubt all the centuries you were buried under Cardiff count for much. Rex starts grumbling about Jack talking nonsense again, but Esther interrupts to announce a result. She's found estimates on land pricing dating back many years and all linked to the same construction plans. She projects the plans for "overflow camps" on the wall. They're for the ICU patients and PhiCorp now owns them. And the UN is involved somehow. Rex grumbles that this is probably not "good". That the company that apparently knew this crisis was coming is making plans for building camps to sequester all the unwanted people? No, probably not. Gwen's phone rings and she yelps "bollocks!" before answering and apologizing for being too busy to call back, but she swears she'll call back in a half hour and... Rhys interrupts to tell her to calm down for god's sake. He has good news. The government stepped in to prop up the NHS and they're spending millions to build these camps and he got her dad into one in South Wales. Chrissy: Oh, Rhys. You sweet, loveable moron. Gwen, straining to remain calm, tells him to UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES let them take her dad to one of these camps. Rhys says um...they just moved him. She yelps at him to STOP THEM THEN because this is some sort of PhiCorp plot. Rhys runs and arrives outside just as the ambulance is headed down the street. He whimpers that it's too late. Gwen all but drops the phone and tells Jack that PhiCorp has her father. Chrissy: Well. That was fun. Diandra: Yeah. You see why we need alcohol when we're recapping this? Chrissy: Sigh. Okay, I'll make a trip to the liquor store before we start the next one.