"Torchwood: Miracle Day, episode 10: The Blood Line" Starring: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Mekhi Phifer, Alexa Havins, Bill Pullman, Kai Owen This is the end, my foolish friends (and other crazy people who have actually read this far). After forty-some episodes, give a couple that I didn’t recap and take a couple crossovers, we have come to the final episode of "Torchwood". Chrissy: Unless you count a radio show, apparently. Diandra: No. I will not count anything unless they pull an “X-Files” and come together for another series years after the fact. Chrissy: Oh, well, if it looks like that “X-Files” reboot, I wouldn’t bother with that either. Russell promises that it will be “big” and “massive” and will not disappoint. Chrissy: Sounds like a line he’s used before. John promises it will be “amazing” and “incredible”. Chrissy: Mmm-hmmm. Heard that one too. Russell promises answers to all the questions, as Chrissy was demanding in the last episode, but repeatedly makes it clear that not everyone will make it out alive. Chrissy: You can lose basically all of the American characters. John doesn’t go quite so broad, promising “a” death that will shock us. Chrissy: Yeah, unless it’s Anwen, I highly doubt it. We open on Gwen, sitting in that gunrunner hovel, telling a story about when she was a little girl. Her dad came home from work early one day and she could hear voices in the kitchen. She peeked through the door and found him crying. It turned out he was blamed for stealing money at work. So she raided her piggy bank (all two pounds or so of it) and gave it to him. He said it wasn’t about the money. “I can’t stand anyone thinking I’m not an honest man.” She said she will always remember that moment because that was the first time anyone had spoken to her the way they would to an adult. She looks down at the gun she’s loading and concludes that that’s her dad, “the nicest man in the world. And today is the day that I kill him.” She cocks the gun. And for the final time, we cut to the bleeping credits. Sniffle. Buenos Aires, Argentina. Rex squeezes a drop of Jack’s blood from one of the bags they have with them and he and Esther watch it roll across the floor the same way it was in Shanghai last episode. Rex announces that that is IT. He has seen some crazy shit in the last few months working for Torchwood, but he has officially reached his limit. Chrissy: Good thing he wasn’t working for them back in the old Zombie Jesus Owen fighting Grandpa Death Skeleton days. Diandra: They’re probably assuming very few Americans were watching back then. Gwen in Shanghai announces the exact direction the blood is headed in and asks what Esther has. Esther announces numbers going in the exact opposite direction, basically. Gwen reminds her to keep that blood safe because the Families have destroyed blood banks in both cities, so it has to be important. Jack groans in the background and Rex asks what’s wrong with him. Jack says it feels like ALL of his blood is churning and trying to get out. “Tell me about it,” Rex grumbles, touching his chest wound. Jack asks what’s wrong with HIM. Esther quickly says Jack isn’t the only one affected by the Miracle and reminds him that they don’t know what will happen to Rex when they reverse it. He’s only alive right now because of it, after all. Rex doesn’t want to talk about it and grumbles at them to refocus. Gwen draws a finger across her screen with the diagram of the Earth with a line running through it and notes that it looks like a secondary pole. We cut to Jilly and Frances still standing in front of The Blessing, which, while it does have a vague phallic quality about it given its position plunged right through the middle of the planet, I have still decided to refer to as Mother Earth’s vagina. Frances starts shouting orders in Mandarin and the guards move around, fishing what looks like dynamite sticks out of briefcases. Frances apologizes to Jilly that their contacts inform her that “forces” are moving in and they need to step up their plans. Those plans being to blow the place at midnight once they are safely away. Jilly asks if that will stop the Miracle. Frances says nope, it will make it permanent. Because they’re not trying to damage the Blessing. They’re trying to bury it to stop anybody else from messing with it. Elsewhere in Shanghai, Gwen announces that she’s just going the follow the direction they got from the blood until she finds it. She tells Rex and Esther to wait for her call. And take care. “You never know, we might meet in the middle.” Rex snorts and tells her not to do any of “those stupid, lame-ass Torchwood things” and act like a professional. Oswald, getting impatient, complains that he walked to his death chamber with a whole lot less sentiment than these guys are displaying right now. Gwen points her gun at him and reminds him that if this plan succeeds, she will be able to kill him for real this time. She leaves and Jack takes over at the computer call. Rex says he has no choice but to bring the CIA in for backup now because if they find this place they’re going to have to “move in and take it hard and fast.” Chrissy: Yeah, you would, wouldn’t you? Diandra: With probably no consideration for what it wants. Because that is what men do. Jack just asks him to keep Torchwood a secret. Don’t give away their location. Rex says sure and offers to “meet up for drinks afterwards.” What, like a date? Chrissy: Yeah, you’re pretty, but no. Looks can only get you so far before people realize you’re a jerk. Esther hangs up and Rex reminds her that she wanted to be part of Clandestine ops, this is her chance. She just got promoted. Chrissy: Over how many more qualified candidates? CIA. Shapiro’s phone rings. He picks it up, listens for a few seconds, and then marches into the bullpen to announce that Clandestine is taking over the room. “I am declaring special ops, station one as designated by field agent Rex Matheson.” He orders some guy to set up a link and Charlotte to get a translator. She asks what language. Spanish. Yeah, you’re in America. You could probably grab some random person off the street because that’s the ONLY LANGUAGE we are allowed to learn in schools around here. At least the ones that don’t cut funding for language learning entirely. Although that probably wouldn’t work as the Spanish we teach here is basically what is spoken in Mexico and they need Rioplatense Spanish, a dialect found in Argentina and Uruguay, countries most Americans probably couldn’t find on a map. Then Shapiro gives them the local time in DC and Buenos Aires and repeats that the op is going down IN BUENOS AIRES. Charlotte makes an evil face and gets to work. Frances calls her team in Buenos Aires to tell them that they’re setting the detonation for midnight Shanghai time. Which, because time zones are not an exact science, means they are set for 1pm. Another Hey It’s That Guy on the other end confirms that they are set and it is a “beautiful day”. He walks up an identical catwalk, which is probably actually exactly the same one with all the signs changed from Chinese to Spanish. He shouts some orders at the people setting up dynamite in Spanish. Back in Shanghai, Frances explains to Jilly that the two cities are perfect antipodes “give or take 100 miles or so”. The reason that works anyway is that the Earth is not perfectly round. Jilly, who only seems to be half listening because she is still staring at everything slack-jawed, asks why the “Blessing” isn’t a volcano if it runs all the way through the center of the Earth. Chrissy: There’s a giant magical stone vagina running through the planet causing people to be immortal somehow and you’re questioning THAT part of this entire scenario? Frances admits they don’t concern themselves with questions like that. It just IS. Understanding everything about it is basically beyond their capabilities, which is why it took them so long to determine what it does. Jilly asks how they even found it. Frances spews some bullshit about enlightenment and the human race needing to advance enough technologically for this sort of discovery. She says there’s this statistic “hidden in the heart of Old Town Shanghai” that the average life expectancy of everyone living within a two mile radius of the spot where they are standing is exactly the average life expectancy of a human being ANYWHERE. And it seems to have been that way forever. People in this area have been living EXACTLY the number of years, months and days that humans are expected to on average for over a hundred years at least. As if something in this specific area were “calibrating a matrix”. Chrissy: Nononono...I distinctly remember taking the blue pill! Jilly asks if the Chinese knew about it. Frances gives a brush off that they paid them to look the other way. For how long? Jilly notes that it all sounds very “colonial” of them. Frances is perfectly fine with that and justifies that they have changed the whole world. Obviously she thinks they’ve changed it for the better. CIA. Shapiro hands Rex’s call off to a woman named Lopez, who will be doing the translation and confirms that he has sent armed support. And because there are apparently only so many Latin names, his liaison is Captain Santos. He reminds Rex that the Argentinean army isn’t allowed to get involved in civil conflicts so they will need “strict ratification”. Rex argues that they could claim this was an incursion by North America since the three families are all up in their business. He waves Esther over and adds that she needs help by the way. Shapiro reminds him that Esther Drummond is technically a defected agent right now. Esther steps in front of the camera and Shapiro tells her to remind him to have her arrested once all of this is over. She’s like yep, I’ll make sure to do that. Now, can you run a search on everything the line on this map I’m sending you goes through? Chrissy: Yeah, she’s definitely going to die. Diandra: Because you’re starting to like her? Chrissy: Like is a strong word. Let’s say I’m hating her less. Charlotte takes one look at it and protests that this is one of the most densely populated areas on EARTH and given their economic and technological state half of the information is probably not even recorded. The translator says actually...foreign investment is pretty rare in Argentina and they’ve been tracking big contracts since the 80s so they just have to sift through the data that is already on file. Charlotte smiles tightly like ‘you are going on the hit list’ and says she’ll get right on that then. Noah asks if this might be a good time to start the trace they talked about. Shapiro thinks now is a really bad time and it could take down their entire system. He turns to somebody else to talk about their search along Esther’s line and Charlotte sidles up to Noah like ‘soooo...about that trace...’ Noah, naïve idiot that he apparently is, tells her all about this new software they found to trace the calls the families are routing through thousands of lines. So, you know, they could totally find the mole if they ran it. Assuming there is one in this particular department. Charlotte is like ‘hahaha, that’s great! Yeah, um...I have to go...do something.’ Shanghai. Or, you know, wherever. Gwen walks through a woman’s restaurant kitchen, disturbing some chickens. The woman rants angrily while Gwen apologizes that this shop is in the way of her fifteen degrees north path. She runs into a door that is locked and asks if she can get out. The woman says something in Chinese. Not having a Babelfish or anything Gwen tries to explain in caveman English that if the woman opens door she will go bye bye and isn’t that what she wants? “No door,” the woman says. “Bad place. Many ghost.” Gwen pulls a wad of money from her purse and offers it to the woman if she opens the door. The woman takes it and apparently unlocks the door, staying well clear while Gwen goes through. She looks at a red barricade at the end of the alley behind the shop, seems to get some sort of vibe and slowly backs right into the shop again. The woman is like ‘see? Bad shit out there.’ Gwen is like ‘yes. Yes it is.’ She calls Jack and announces that she’s found “it”. Rex introduces Esther to Captain Santos, the guy Shapiro sent as backup. Esther, not looking up from her computer, just announces that “they” found it. Apparently by “they” she meant the CIA. Noah says they’ve found a site along Esther’s line that hasn’t had any paperwork connected to it since 2001 and can only be accessed via back alley. It is unmarked and unnamed, so that kind of supports the idea that there’s something hinkey about it. Shapiro orders Rex to mobilize to the site. Charlotte surreptitiously contacts the spinning triangle people from the phone laid out right on her desk. Jack tells Oswald that they’re heading out and he should leave behind anything they don’t need. Oswald hesitates and says ‘but...we’re coming back, aren’t we?’ Jack says he doesn’t know. He notices Oswald fidgeting and chuckles, noting that he seems to have forgotten about his death wish in the face of the actual possible reality of it. He reminds him that his victim didn’t have as much of a choice as he does. Oswald thinks for a second and then the conversation switches gears suddenly. “Who are you?” Jack stiffens and gives his standard answer of Captain Jack Harkness. Oswald says he’s spent a long time in prison “and I know the smile of a man who’s done terrible things.” Chrissy: Yeah, how much choice did your grandson have in becoming a human megaphone? Diandra: Ouch. Oswald adds that he’s been watching Jack’s friends and how they interact. They seem to mostly like or even love him but every so often he catches a hint of fear. Jack turns to face him and says simply that he is from the future. They stare at each other for a long beat while Oswald chuckles and then slowly realizes that he’s telling the truth and that would mean he must know what the outcome of today is going to be. Without going into the whole wibbly wobbly nature of time, Jack just says that the future can be changed. But he says he has seen the human race “become vast and magnificent and endless.” Chrissy: Yeah. Genocidal heads controlled by a lunatic Time Lord at the end of the universe. Diandra: You forgot the rebels outside the silo who turned into Mad Max rejects. Chrissy: Right. Something to look forward to. He says he wishes he could show Oswald all of that. For a second it looks like they might kiss or something, but Jack just leans in to whisper in his ear that if he saw it, he would understand just what a pathetic waste he’s made of his life. He stomps off and Oswald looks shaken. Gwen, sitting with her back to the door, presumably waiting for Jack, calls Rhys to check in. Rhys waves to Andy, who is standing in the kitchen with mum, and sighs with relief. He says Anwen says hi. Chrissy: Like, literally. It was her first word and you missed it. Gwen says no, she doesn’t because she’s still a baby and barely even realizes mommy is gone. Rhys is like oooooookay then. She apologizes and asks if they’re ready. Rhys says Andy is working on getting them into the camp with something he calls a police visa. Except they can only get one, so they can’t get her mother in. Mum sneers that she wouldn’t go to that god forsaken place anyway. Rhys says they’ve checked and her dad is still in one of the wards with the category ones. His voice starts warbling and he asks if there’s anything Gwen wants him to say to him. She whispers that she feels like she’s killing him. Because, you know, the idea here is that they will be stopping the Miracle that’s keeping him alive. Rhys looks at Mum and gives what is probably a variation of a speech she already gave him. “Let him die. I mean, bless the poor bugger, he’s had his time. You just come back alive.” Mum smiles proudly and goads him to stress that last part. Gwen hangs up and the lady who owns the shop comes back to offer her some tea, noting that she is both “sad” and “crazy”. She’s like yep, guilty as charged. She takes the cup and squeezes the woman’s hand. Buenos Aires. Esther loads up all her equipment, including the briefcase full of blood bags into the military truck. Rex is standing by talking to the captain when he suddenly grabs his chest and groans like he’s having a heart attack. Esther comes over and tells the worried captain that Rex was injured. Rex says no, it’s okay. It’s just “an old war wound”. In the truck, the guy with the briefcase breaks it open, looks at the blood bags and starts praying in rapid, unsubtitled Spanish. The woman across from him figures out what he’s doing and points her machine gun at him, but he presses the button on his hidden bomb vest before she can pull the trigger. The whole truck explodes. Chrissy: Again. Somehow managing to leave the handful of main characters untouched. Again. Diandra: You’re wishing Esther had gotten in the truck, aren’t you? Chrissy: Well, I’m guessing her death has to be more heroic and at the last minute at this point, but I would have been cool with Rex filling that role instead. Diandra: Um... Chrissy: What? Diandra: Nothing. Never mind. The three remaining team members are knocked to the ground. Captain Santos goes to call in, but he just gets his name out before Rex grabs his walkie and slams it on the ground, yelling that as far as anyone is concerned, right now they are DEAD. At the CIA, Charlotte tries to hide her glee as she announces that they have lost radio contact with the army transport. The translator tries to hail Captain Santos while they zoom in on the fireball in front of the warehouse via satellite. Warehouse. Captain Santos is in shock, muttering about having just lost ALL of his men. Rex snaps at him to get up and orders him to go back to base and inform everybody that he was the ONLY survivor. He says Santos can try to rally another team, but he can’t tell them Rex and Esther are still alive. Santos asks what he’s planning to do. Rex figures as long as they think he’s dead, this is the perfect opportunity for him to go in alone. Esther is like ‘yeah, alone being just the two of us, right?’ Rex looks at her and says “ah shit. All right, yeah. Whatever.” Chrissy: He’s saying what we’re all thinking. He kisses her forehead. Santos interrupts the possible moment by reminding them that they are only two people armed with handguns. Esther adds that their “special weapon” just went up in smoke. For the benefit of the audience, Rex adds that it was the blood of the only mortal in the world. Esther’s phone rings. She looks at the caller ID and says it’s Gwen. Rex tells her not to answer because EVERYBODY has to think they are dead. Shapiro is glaring at the satellite image, growling that SOMEBODY betrayed them. He orders Noah to go ahead and run that trace that will flush out the traitor. Noah simpers that he needs clearance in order to...Shapiro is like ‘fuck that. We need to find the person doing this NOW.’ They go over to a separate computer with the tracking program and it starts scanning for a phone number. Meanwhile, Charlotte grabs her purse and goes into what is presumably her office, stuffing something that beeps into the purse. Then she “casually” wanders over and places her purses on the desk next to Noah and Shapiro while asking if they’ve had any luck yet. Yeah, it’s been less than a minute and this is not at ALL suspicious. She looks at the scrolling digits, already locked on an area code and the first three digits (which are, naturally, 555), wishes Shapiro luck and pats him on the arm before slipping away. Chrissy: Yeah, because it’s not at all suspicious when people randomly leave bags lying around. Diandra: Yeah, I know they’re the CIA, not the TSA, but...really? Charlotte runs into the translator outside the office and tells her that Shapiro wants to see her. Because I guess we’re taking out EVERYONE involved with the op. Except her. Because there’s NO WAY anybody would find that suspicious. The translator goes to ask Shapiro what he wants to see her for just as the last digits of the trace lock in and the screen announces that the phone is registered to Charlotte. Noah and Shapiro notice the beeping handbag just before it explodes. Charlotte is knocked to the ground out in the hall by the explosion and immediately turns on the hysterics, asking the guards running by what just happened. Was that a bomb? OH MY GOD I COULD HAVE DIED! Chrissy: Pretty sure you were supposed to. Diandra: And now the families will have to finish the job. Jack arrives in the Chinese lady’s kitchen and nearly trips right over a chicken. Oswald trails behind him. Jack helps Gwen up from where she is still sitting on the floor and she grimly informs her that she was just notified of an explosion in Buenos Aires. “It’s Esther and Rex.” Oswald asks if that means they’re dead and she lunges at him furiously demanding to know what the FUCK he cares about this. Jack pulls her back and reminds her that this is not exactly HELPFUL right now. “This is about you, Jack,” she says, snapping right back on track. “If the miracle is connected to your blood, then god help them, but they have the only reserve.” She says the only blood they have left is actually in his body and he is a fragile mortal. Chrissy: Wait...that surprising death Russell promised...wasn’t that radio play taking place BEFORE all of this? Like, back when Ianto was still alive? Diandra: I see where you’re going with this, but no. Jack still has to live to become a giant face in a tank on Earth 2: Planet of the Cat People. Chrissy: Oh, right. That nonsense. Well, good, because I’d be pissed if this season ended with Jack dead and Rex and Esther still alive to become the American knockoff versions of him and Gwen or some bullshit. Diandra: Um... Chrissy: What? Diandra: Nothing. Forget I said anything. Chrissy: Okay, this is getting annoying. And if I’m interpreting your non response correctly, you just contradicted yourself, so I’m just going to ask: is Rex going to die or not? Diandra: Yes. Chrissy: I hate you. On both sides of the world, the team cut through a fence, disable/kill security guys with guns and creep into the facilities built over Mother Earth’s Vagina. Rex starts looking for a map of the building that shows stairs so they don’t have to take the elevator down. He offers to go alone if Esther wants to stay up here and, I don’t know, keep watch or something. She’s like ‘yeah, right. I’m not backing out of this now.’ He chuckles and notes that he never thanked her for all she’s done. Going rogue and everything. She flatly says that no, he didn’t. He blusters and badly jokes that she should expect him to now then. In Shanghai, Oswald is whimpering that they can’t keep killing guards all the way in. They’re going to get CAUGHT. Gwen is like ‘hey, thanks for bringing this asshole on the mission, JACK.’ Oswald is like ‘oh, you just snapped some probably innocent guy’s neck, but I’M still the monster.’ Gwen snaps at him to KEEP QUIET, but admits to Jack that he has a point. Her phone rings and she groans in annoyance, but checks the screen. It’s Rhys, which means he found her dad. Back at the overflow camp in Cowbridge, Rhys and Andy are in a room littered with beds. The bedding and hospital gowns the bodies on the beds are wearing create an unholy combination of stark white and red. Also, the floor is draped in red cloth. Is there some logic to this like masking the blood or is it just because it makes the image more striking? There are mournful bagpipes playing across the soundtrack. Rhys finds Gwen’s dad and warmly greets him. “It’s me, the useless article.” He relays Gwen and Mary’s messages of love. A nurse steps beside Andy and pipes up that dad is one of the lucky ones. She points to a teenage girl on the other side of the room and says they don’t know who she is and nobody has come forward to identify her. She sighs and says they have until the end of the day because this batch goes into the furnace next. Rhys begs for more time and Andy asks if they can delay the transport at least. The nurse is like ‘nope. The process is a well-oiled machine now.’ Andy goes over to hold the hand of the unknown girl. Because THIS IS A TRAGEDY IN CASE YOU’RE JUST JOINING US. Gwen is peeking out into a hallway to see if the coast is clear. Jack suddenly notices the markings on a nearby crate and announces that he recognizes them because he was in China once during the Boxer Rebellion. He opens it and says he takes back everything he may have said about Oswald before because he’s glad to have him along now. Oswald looks over at the crate warily. Meanwhile, out at the Great Vaginal opening, a computer buzzes an alarm and Frances goes over to it to find footage of the trio caught by a motion capture surveillance camera. Jilly asks what’s going on. Frances serenely says she’s about to meet “the Creator”. Jilly stares slackjawed at the video of Oswald getting into the elevator with that weird soldier guy who was talking to him backstage at that thing in DC. When the elevator arrives at the platform, the trio are met by Frances, about a half a dozen armed guards and Jilly hovering at the edge waving her recorder. Frances greets Jack. Oswald taps into the showman attitude he had before and chuckles that this is not about Jack. He steps out of the elevator and notes that Jilly obviously got a promotion since he last saw her. “And this is the new empire you’re servicing?” She gives him a ‘I will enjoy watching these men shoot you like a rabid dog’ smile. Frances sneers that Oswald is just a by-product of the miracle and his presence isn’t really “relevant” here. He says yes, Jack said that too, but...you know... He takes off his coat to reveal the explosive vest strapped to his chest. The guards stand down. He smarms that APPARENTLY Frances has been planning to set off some sort of explosion and he figured the least she could do is stick around for the fireworks. A speaker buzzes to life and Frances’ counterpart, Hey It’s That Latino Guy, says he’ll see their hostage situation and raise one of his own: he and his men have the rest of the Torchwood team. A sweaty looking Rex and dazed Esther step onto the catwalk behind him and Rex calls that yeah, he means them. Esther apologetically confirms that they have been captured. Gwen is just thrilled to hear that they are still alive. Chrissy: Yeah, not for long. Diandra: Um... Chrissy: STOP DOING THAT! Guy Frances (hey, that’s a better name, I’m going to call him that from now on) cocks his gun and points it at Esther’s head. Rex yells at him to stop. Guy Frances shrugs and reminds him that she won’t actually die per se. Rex tries to step between her and the gun, redirecting Guy’s attention. But then he coughs and looks sick and she tells him she’s fine, really. Jack calls that if Guy Frances hurts Esther, they will detonate their explosives and Category One actual Frances. Oswald adds that he will totally do it because he has nowhere to go anymore and he was never planning on surviving this day anyway. Guy Frances uncocks his gun BEFORE wondering aloud who will “lose their nerve” first. Presumably he’s counting on the guards still pointing guns to do his dirty work for him or something. Jack says they don’t even need the explosives, really, because they have the ultimate weapon. He walks down to the platform and pulls a ridiculously large knife from his belt, slicing his finger and letting the blood get sucked right into the stone vagina. MEV makes a loud, rather alarming crunching noise. He says it “wants” him. Chrissy: Oh, the walking hormone thinks the giant, vaguely phallic stone vagina wants him. Diandra: Of course he does. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was turned on by it. Chrissy: [seductive voice] Hi, Captain Jack Harkness. Diandra: [impression of a Scot doing a British accent] STOP IT! He clarifies that actually, what it wants is the only mortal blood left in the world. Gwen wanders down beside him at the railing and asks what the HELL that thing is. What does it look like, Gwen? Jack asks if she is getting that sense everybody else is. She closes her eyes, looks nauseous and says dear god, yes. Frances, watching with the same proud look she had showing the MEV to Jilly, repeats the line about it reflecting people back at themselves and asks what Gwen sees. Gwen says a lifetime of guilt, thanks. “But that’s okay, I’m a working mother. I don’t need the Blessing to tell me that.” Frances asks what Jack sees. Why are we taking the time to entertain this Q&A session? Jack is like ‘which lifetime should I start with?’ Then he grins and says it’s not so bad, actually. Jilly shouts down that he might want to reconsider his choice of “weapon”. She points to Oswald and questions whether it was really wise to strap a bomb to THAT guy and then show him the sucking black pit where most people would find their soul. Chrissy: Uh, well...we did it for YOU, didn’t we? Diandra: Yeah, is it better or worse that Oswald is cringing? Chrissy: I’d say that means he’s marginally better than her. Which tracks with the wanting to die thing. He’s ashamed of himself. She glories in her evil nature. Oswald doubles over and mutters that it feels like “sin”. Jack yells at him to keep it together because he NEEDS him. Oswald takes several breaths, steadies and says yeah, he should be accustomed to sin by now, shouldn’t he? He stands at ready with his finger on the trigger again. Jack and Gwen return focus to MEV. Gwen says she still doesn’t quite get what they’re looking at. Is the Blessing the rock or the deep, dark crevasse in the rock? Jack says it’s definitely the crevasse. “The nothingness. The space. It’s alive.” Gwen is like ‘okay, Mr. I’ve Seen the Universe, what the hell is it, exactly?’ Instead of answering he rambles about the Earth being over four billion years old and having many secrets and the Doctor used to tell him about Silurian mythology and Huon particles and Racnoss energy and hibernation matrixes and... Gwen interrupts to say that in other words: he has no fucking clue. He agrees that he doesn’t and they laugh. Gwen says whatever it is, it’s been here since the beginning of the Earth. She can feel it. “We’re so used to things being extraterrestrial, but this might be the most terrestrial thing of them all.” Chrissy: Well, damnit. There goes the "X-Files" theory. Diandra: And the "Walking Dead" theory. Chrissy: Same thing. Rex, reminding everybody that he and Esther are still standing by with guns pointed at them, says so...what? The families found this thing, worked out that morphic field... thing... Guy Frances spells the whole thing out. The magical phallic vagina creates a morphic field around the entire planet that basically dictates the parameters of the existence of the human race. Chrissy: That’s not even close to what he said, but your wording somehow makes more sense. Diandra: Thank you. Esther says but of course they weren’t content with just figuring out it existed, they had to experiment on it. Because humans. Frances waves toward Jack and says they fed it the blood of an immortal. Gwen concludes that MEV absorbed the blood and altered the template according to THAT. Basically changing the system settings. Jack theorizes that what they did actually HURT it and it read the attack and responded by straining itself to sustain the entire human race out of some confused benevolence. In Buenos Aires, Rex tries to appeal to Guy Frances' sensibility. He's SEEN what immortality looks like. Why would he want that? Guy argues that this is only stage ONE. Gwen says they've ruined the whole world. Chrissy: Yeah, welcome to the human race. Frances scoffs that the economy just collapsed. So what? In order to make an omelet you have to break some eggs. Tear it down, build it back up. Yadda yadda. Gwen notes that this new world she's building doesn't have room for poor people or people who generally don't fit in. Frances notes that that's basically the way the world has always worked so all they're doing is being more obvious about it. She says the families have been waiting and now they can take control of the banks and thereby take control of the governments and the people. In case this wasn't supervillain enough, she adds that soon they will be the ones deciding who lives and how long. Because I guess having control over the lives of every human on the planet is worth risking the whole eternal life without eternal youth thing. Chrissy: Oh, since when have villains of that caliber ever been capable of thinking this sort of thing through? "It's about time," the nearly forgotten SheDevil laughs. She's all for this insanity and thinks the only reason the Torchwood people are opposing it is because they are bleeding heart liberals. Chrissy: Really highlighting why that isn't the insult you think it is, aren't you? She says the families want to make the world fitter and stronger. Yeah, you know who else had that idea? I'll give you a hint, his name starts with H and he started a war by invading Poland. She likes the idea of this more disciplined world where the trains always run on time. Yeah. I understand there are a lot of viewers of "Man in the High Castle" who feel the same way. I'm starting to think shows like this could be used as a litmus test to identify deranged sociopaths. Jack and Esther, continuing this exposition dump, conclude that before they could really get this new world order working they needed to get rid of Jack. Because his blood is a threat. Jack says too bad for them they failed to get rid of him. He holds the knife to his wrist and threatens to make the whole world mortal again. Frances laughs. So does Guy Frances. They confirm what someone suggested back in Gwen's house last episode: it doesn't work unless they do it at both locations at the same time. That's how they did it the first time. Then they make the standard bad guy mistake of noting that Torchwood seems to have figured that out and made allowance for it but "all that spare blood went up in flames," Guy Francis gloats. Frances says they'll just have to kill Jack then and shouts orders at the Mandarin guards. Oswald holds up his bomb trigger and reminds her that he'll DO IT. She says oh, well. Guess I'll have to be a martyr for the new world order then. They all start shouting, almost drowning out Rex on the other side of the world saying they HAVE the blood they need. He screams at them to LISTEN and then doubles over in pain for a moment. Once everyone is quiet, he pulls out a pocket knife, slices his finger and lets the blood drops fly toward the Buenos Aires opening of MEV. There's a crunching sound and then the entire ground jolts on both sides of the Earth. Guy Frances splutters that that isn't possible because there is nothing special about Rex. Rex says yes there is, see, because we knew how important the blood must be so once we got to Buenos Aires we did a little transfusion. Which he acknowledges would have killed him in the pre-Miracle world, but...you know... Chrissy: I love how they still try to explain this like they're living in the real world. Diandra: Well, when you consider all the other crazy shit they've done on this show - and its parent show - extreme dialysis replacing the blood of one person ENTIRELY with another actually is a lot closer to "real world" than the rest. Rex invites the guards on his end to go ahead and shoot him. Guy Frances starts protesting now. Frances screams at her guards to get Jack the hell out of there. Jack holds the knife to his wrist again and Frances turns to bargaining. She tells them if they do this it will take ALL of their blood and they will both die. Jack says he's lived long enough and asks if Rex is ready. Rex grumbles about how Jack is an idiot and he wishes he'd never met him, but yeah, he's ready. He says a tearful goodbye to Esther and steps over to the platform, unbuttoning his shirt. Gwen says Jack is "never going to be a suicide" though and pulls her gun on him. He nods, thanks her, they have a less tearful goodbye and he turns to face MEV. And then Guy Frances pulls a gun and shoots Esther point blank. Rex starts screaming and bends to pull her in his arms. Guy Frances reminds him that she can't die and with the "infinite resources" they have, they can help her. Frances catches on and adds that if they end the miracle, she will die. Chrissy: Really betting on everyone being so attached to her that they won't obey her wishes, aren't we? Rex asks Jack what he's supposed to do now. Gwen raises her gun again and tells him to soldier the fuck on. Chrissy: Yeah, now I'm really liking her. Diandra: Because she's on board with killing Esther? Chrissy: You make me sound like a horrible person. She says her dad is going to die too, as is everybody else they love at some point. But that's how the world is SUPPOSED to work. She adds that she's standing next to a man who got to choose when a little girl lived and died and no one should have that kind of power. Oswald smirks and says yeah, but isn't she choosing right now to kill three people? She says yep and cocks the gun. "Oh, you are magnificent," Oswald smarms. Chrissy: Yeah, you're entering a definite grey area when a guy like this in on your side. Diandra: They passed that point when they strapped the bomb to him. Chrissy: Yeah, I guess. Jack turns around again, now tearful. Rex kisses Esther's forehead and lays her back down. The Franceses both scream as Gwen shoots Jack and Rex rips off his bandage, sending blood flying into MEV from both sides. Everything wobbles and crashes like the entire Earth is quaking. Gwen calmly watches as her voice over concludes that they brought death back to the world. In Cowbridge, her dad suddenly opens his eyes, looks at Rhys with full recognition and goes still as she continues that people said it was like "a breath". A last breath that went around the world. The girl Andy was sitting with also regains consciousness for a moment before dying. And then Gwen snaps out of it, notices all the falling debris around her and dives for Jack, checking his pulse. He is still. In Buenos Aires, Rex falls back beside Esther. In Shanghai, everyone starts running for the stairs. Oswald grabs Frances and tells Gwen he's giving her this one chance. Gwen runs away while Frances babbles that she'll give Oswald anything he wants: money, places to "hunt"... Chrissy: They're called elementary school playground. Diandra: And ew. Gwen and Jilly get in the elevator, but as it's going up Gwen notices Jack gasping back to life on the ground and screams at Jilly to stop. Chrissy: Yeah, that's going to happen. Diandra: Just kill her already. In Buenos Aires, Rex gets up suddenly, grabs Guy Frances and pitches him into the abyss in front of MEV. Burst of energy gone, he collapses again. Gwen babbles that Jack has changed back into an immortal again as she runs from the elevator. Jilly immediately tries to close it and leave again and Gwen turns around and body checks her into the wall. Chrissy: YES! That's my girl! The elevator goes up and down a couple times as they jostle for the controls, throwing each other around the elevator, until Gwen finally punches her enough times that Jilly stops getting back up. Jack's wound heals itself the way wounds always used to for him and he joins Gwen in the elevator, both of them ignoring Frances' screams for help. Oswald encourages them to hurry because he's taking the whole place with him. Then he chortles that soon he'll be seeing "her". Frances snaps that he won't see ANYONE because he's going to hell. He says yep, that's where all the bad girls go. "Suzie, keep running! I'm coming to get you!" Chrissy: Holy shit. Diandra: Yeah. Chrissy: So really, how is that crush holding up? Diandra: I keep telling you my tastes have changed since I was TWELVE. Jack and Gwen run from the building over the Great Vaginal opening, Jilly stumbling behind. Before we can grumble about the SheDevil getting to survive all this after all, she trips on her ridiculous heels and splatters just outside the door. Gwen starts to turn back for her, but the building blows and the flames surround Jilly. Captain Santos arrives at the Buenos Aires location. He orders his men to get both Esther and Rex out. In Shanghai, Gwen stares at the flaming remains of the building and asks if she just killed Esther and Rex. Buenos Aires. Esther and Rex are put on stretchers and paramedics fuss over them. They're both still conscious... ...but then we cut to black and a church organ plays. We fade back in on a funeral ceremony and pan over Rhys, Gwen and Jack singing along with the congregation. Before we can think this is for Gwen's dad, we keep panning to see Charlotte and Rex. Yeah. It's for Esther. Sister Sarah is at the front of the church, looking stunned, the two kids we haven't really seen before standing beside her. Chrissy: Well, that's a shitty outcome for them since they'll probably go right back to where they were before all of this. Diandra: Yeah. And then we see Jilly sitting on a park bench. Wait...what? Chrissy: So this is hell, right? Diandra: I don't know. I don't remember this. The suit who sent her to Shanghai approaches and she nearly faints. She says she's been coming here every day for weeks waiting for him to find her. She says she had to buy her way out of that god forsaken country by hocking her jewelry and now she has the FBI and CIA watching her every move. What is she supposed to do now? He says she can start again with them. She groans and asks why the hell she would do that after everything. He says because they were ALMOST successful. Call it a trial run for Plan B. He walks away. She hesitates, then follows. Because I guess they couldn't have ended it with her dying and the story closing off. They had to suggest there was another story they could tell if they were picked up for another season, which, obviously, they weren't. And on that note... Back at the funeral, Charlotte gives Rex her condolences, claiming she always thought of Esther as a friend. She heads off down the hall. Rex and the original team start heading in the same direction. Jack notes that they're lucky they could get Esther a full service because they're doing ten funerals an hour since the Miracle ended. Gwen mutters that if the Blessing was showing humanity some sort of "kindness" as Jack theorized, the least it could do was throw in a little "grace" and reached out and save one last person who was just trying to help. Jack says they'll never know because UNIT has sealed the sites now. Rex asks if the Torchwood band is getting back together then. Gwen asks if he's offering to join. He snorts. And then his phone rings and he frowns at it. Jack asks what's wrong. He says they just retrieved Noah's software from the site of the explosion at the CIA. He told Rex his password because they were both terrible agents. Rex pulls up the trace he was running with Charlotte's name at the bottom. His eyes widen and he starts running after Charlotte, yelling her name. Apparently immediately understanding that he's found her out, she turns, pulls a gun from her purse and shoots him in the chest. Chrissy: Ah. Now I get why you kept waffling about whether he would die. Diandra: Um... Chrissy: Okay, you can stop doing that now. Another agent pulls a gun and shoots Charlotte down. Jack and Gwen rush to Rex's side. Gwen moans about it coming to this after everything they've been through and Jack checks his pulse and says there's nothing they can do. He's dead. There's a pause. And then Rex gasps back to life exactly the same way Jack always has and looks up at them like 'the fuck?' "What," Jack says. "What," Gwen adds. "What," Rex pants. He pulls open his shirt and watches his wounds - both the gunshot from right now and the remaining scar from the pipe javelining his chest - seal themselves back up. "What the hell," Gwen says. Rex looks at Jack and asks what the HELL he did to him. Diandra: And THAT is why I was waffling. Chrissy: What the actual fuck. And we go to the final credits as Jack and Gwen gape in shock at the newly created immortal American. Chrissy: Wait, so you knew all along that Rex would become immortal? Diandra: Yes. Chrissy: And you let me go on about how I couldn't wait until they got rid of him because he was SO ANNOYING? Diandra: Erm...well, I knew the show was over so it didn't matter who survived it. Chrissy: I would chastise you for tricking me into doing this with you, but...well...overall it was one of their better seasons. Not as good as "Children of Earth", but it had its moments. Diandra: I know, right? That's why I was willing to recap some of the crazier bullshit in the first two seasons like Zombie Jesus Owen and that alien whale cow episode that made me hate humans. For one thing, I knew there would be moments throughout that would make it worth it. But I knew the last two seasons would be full of those moments, even if they were a LOT more depressing because they talked about genocide and death camps. Chrissy: Yes, and I want to thank you again for inviting your Jewish friend to watch this with you. Diandra: Sorry. Chrissy: No, I actually meant that. It was fun, if that's not a totally horrible way to put it. But I have a couple questions: first...what was the deal with Angelo then? He just died of old age because he was laying on a machine that canceled the effect of the Miracle? Diandra: Yeah, I think in the back of my mind I remembered it as MEV not only dictating the AVERAGE life span, but the possible top end of that range. I thought he died because he was 130 or whatever age is the limit of human life. Obviously I was wrong. Yes, it was just because of the thing under the floor preventing MEV from keeping him alive. Chrissy: Okay. Then my other question is: what was the Doctor doing during this whole thing? Diandra: Running from Weeping Angels, possibly rebooting the universe, marrying a woman before she was born, turning himself into some sort of doppleganger so his future wife could kill him, losing his companion to the Weeping Angels and getting a new one who would eventually turn into some sort of space zombie with a companion of her own and trying to figure out a loophole that allows him to regenerate past a Time Lord's allotted twelve regenerations. Chrissy: Wow. Diandra: Yeah. It was mostly pretty awesome, but this was the beginning of the Stephen Moffat years, so it started becoming a lot less awesome. But now that they're doing the whole regenerating into a woman thing with somebody else taking over, there's hope it will return to being awesome. Chrissy: Maybe they'll invite John Barrowman back for an episode or two and we can recap it. Diandra: I doubt it, but I would be all over that. Chrissy: So speaking of Moffat and his tendency to lose his marbles, should we go back to finishing that "Sherlock" recap? Diandra: I was afraid you'd say that. And seriously, anyone who has been reading all these recaps: thank you for sticking with me for the past four and a half years. ~Diandra