Loki part 1

"Loki" Episodes 1, 2 & 3

Starring: Tom Hiddleston, Owen Wilson, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Wunmi Mosaku, the voice of Tara Strong, Eugene Cordero, Derek Russo, Sophia Di Martino, Sasha Lane, Neil Ellice, Susan Gallagher

Episode 1: Glorious Purpose

Originally, I had no plans to write any recaps post-Endgame. I figured I would get to the end of the Infinity Saga (that's what we're calling it, right?) and then evaluate whether I wanted to do any of the sequels and threequels yet to be released on a case by case basis. Black Panther, Captain Marvel and Doctor Strange especially. But then I saw WandaVision and then this and both of them not only are just fucking great shows, they obviously set the stage for those movies. So.......here we are.

Chrissy: Oh, please, like you were ever NOT going to recap this one.
Diandra: Well, I REALLY wanted to recap "WandaVision". This was kind of a bonus. On a related note, I notice you stopped bugging me about recapping "The Night Manager" when you realized I would be recapping this.
Chrissy: That's just a coincidence. I realized you were never going to get around to it and gave up. I'll settle for this.

Because I figured the two of us would be entirely hopeless here (I think at one point on first watch I was actually lulled into some sort of dazed stupor by Tom's voice), I invited Emilio to join us in the hopes that he can keep us in line.

Chrissy: Oh, good luck, Emilio. You'll have your work cut out for you.
Diandra: Oh ye of little faith.
Emilio: You did need someone to get your attention during the Kong recap when you got distracted staring at Tom's arms.
Diandra: Obviously I forgot to tell you that we don't need you to act as memory keeper on this one.
Chrissy: That's what you think. And I think the technical term for that "dazed stupor" thing is a brain orgasm that short circuits your ability to pay attention for a brief period.
Diandra: Thank you, Doctor Anscher. Shall we?

We open on a shot of New York City, 2012 with smoke rising from several buildings because there was just a giant fight between some aliens and a newly formed group of superheroes. But we are in the "Endgame" version of this, where Tony and Scott time traveled to this point to steal the Tesseract. We replay a somewhat truncated version of that whole scene where Hulk smashed the case out of Tony's hands and it landed right at Loki's feet. But this time when Loki takes the obvious opportunity to grab the Tesseract and poof right out of there, we go to a black screen. Thor's voice in the distance asks where Loki is.

The Marvel title card turns from red to green before the sequence is finished and has music that is obviously not from anything previous.

We return somewhere in the Gobi Desert. A hole forms in the sky and something shoots out of it and strikes the ground in the distance. This turns out to be Loki, who has wound up making a crater with his body twice in one day now. He pulls the gag Thor put on him out of his mouth and splutters. Some Mongolians wander over to gawk at him and he apparently decides to try to salvage whatever he can of the original plan. He jumps on the nearest rock and declares that he is Loki of Asgard, burdened with glorious purpose. One of the ladies is like 'dude, we don't speak English. What the fuck are you doing here and what do you want?'

A door appears nearby and some armed guys in uniform crouch over the Tesseract. Loki decides this is more important and excuses himself to go yell at them to leave that alone. They all turn their weapons on him. Another door opens and a big woman in a matching uniform steps out, announcing to somebody that this is a "standard sequence violation". She looks at a device in her hand and adds that the branch is "growing at a stable rate and slope" and they've identified the variant. Loki is like 'hi, um...standing right here and not used to being ignored.'

Emilio: Such a youngest child.
Diandra: Hey.

She addresses him for the first time, announcing that she is arresting him on behalf of the "Time Variance Authority" for "crimes against the sacred timeline." Loki's like 'ha, that's cute. Who are you again?' They all aim their weapons again and she snarls "last chance, variant." He laughs and says he's had a VERY long day and he's done listening to idiots in suits, thanks. "So if you don't mind, this is actually YOUR last chance." He tries to storm past her and she cold cocks him with the butt of her rifle. He staggers in slow motion, his face warbling ridiculously. The lady, moving at normal speed, slaps a collar around his neck while she explains that he's moving at 1/16th speed while feeling the pain of that blow in "real time".

Chrissy: How long did it take for a fan fiction writer to turn that into a sex toy?
Emilio: Is that all you think about?
Diandra: Like, a week. [shrugs as Emilio makes a "what the fuck?" gesture] Hey, rule 34, man.

Time speeds up to normal again and he hits the ground. Two guys pick him up and march him past her. She orders the other to "reset the timeline" and picks up the Tesseract. The other guy puts a device on the ground that looks like some sort of hour glass/lava lamp type thing. It makes a few weird noises and the yellow inside turns to purple smoke and starts pouring out. Loki looks back, but we don't really see what happens after that because he's shoved through a doorway into a room that seems to have been last redecorated in the late 70s. The lady marches him down a hallway to a desk where an Asian guy is accepting paperwork from another agent on a "variant Skrull". Loki asks what the HELL this place is. A door opens and a guard drags in a guy who is raving about how his dad works for Goldman Sachs and they CAN'T DO THIS. Loki makes a run for the open door and the lady just calmly pushes something on her device and he reappears beside her. He tries again, with the same result. He figures out the collar is doing that somehow and tries to pry at it.

The guy with the Skrull moves away and she yanks Loki over to the newly empty spot in front of the Asian guy.

Chrissy: Pillboi!
Diandra: Is he? I forgot about that one. I mostly recognize Eugene Cordero from "Lower Decks". So, his voice more than his face.
Chrissy: Why am I not surprised that your frame of reference is - once again - Star Trek?
Diandra: [blows a raspberry]

She slaps the Tesseract down and orders him to log it as evidence. Then she just walks away. He asks if she can at least tell him what it is. Loki snaps that it's the Tesseract and he should be careful with it before the agent pulls him out of the room. "Sounds dumb," the guy calls after their retreating backs.

There is a giant lever on a panel that calls what looks like an elevator, which she pulls. Loki sneers that there are CONSEQUENCES for people who "cross" him. She's like yeah, yeah, sure and shoves him into the cabin when it opens, staying on the outside and smirking as the doors close. There's a big machine at the back of the cabin that looks like a television with robot arms. The screen lights up with a smiley face and starts plucking at his cape. He yells at it to cut it out because this is "fine Asgardian leather". A robotic voice tells him to hold very still and it just lasers the clothes right off him, one of its arms carefully blocking the view of anything between his waist and knees.

Chrissy: And this is how you can tell this is directed by a woman. She knows exactly who her audience is.
Emilio: This is where I come in, right?
Diandra: Nah, it's nothing we haven't seen before. Actually, it's less than we've seen before. Right, Chris?
Chrissy: ................what? Did you say something?
Diandra: Never mind.

A trap door opens and drops him, apparently right into a brown jumpsuit with TVA printed on the chest like it's a prison uniform. He's in a tiny office and the guy sitting behind the desk pushes a six inch stack of paper toward him, asking him, in the voice of a bored office clerk, to please sign this, verifying that it is everything he has ever said. "What," Loki spits. A printer spits out another sheet of paper and the guy sighs and adds it to the top of the stack. "Oh, this is absurd," Loki says and the printer starts another sheet. The guy adds it to the stack like 'you can keep going, but I can tell you it will get old very quick.' Loki bites his tongue and signs the stack with an aggressive flourish.

Another trap door drops him into another level and he does the hair flip he seems to favor instead of a hero landing. A little guy with a clipboard asks him to "confirm to your knowledge that you are not a fully robotic being, were born an organic creature and do in fact possess what many cultures would call a soul."

Chrissy: Kind of depends on who you ask.

He's still stuck on the "to my knowledge" part. "Do a lot of people not know they're robots?" The little guy just takes that as a yes and waves him through what looks like one of those airport security scanners.

Chrissy: I love how this is all, like, a ridiculous version of a bureaucratic dystopia.
Diandra: Specifically, a ridiculous and less oppressive version of "Brazil". Yes.

He steps warily closer to the scanner and hesitates, asking what would happen if he WAS a robot and didn't know about it. The guy dispassionately says the machine will "melt you from the inside out."

Chrissy: Oh, well. No biggie then.
Diandra: But hey, if you're a robot it won't matter, right?

He carefully steps inside the scanner with eyes closed and a light flashes. A picture spits out, which the guy takes. Loki asks what that is.

Emilio: Oh, just a picture I plan to sell on Ebay.
Chrissy: Sucker. God, it's like Asgardians have never seen these airport security things before.

The guy says it's his "temporal aura". He asks what THAT is and the guy is like 'okay, enough of the nosy questions, Mr. Exposition, get out.'

He ends up in a big, mostly empty room with line markers strung all over the place leading to teller windows at the other end. Which is either meant to look like a DMV or airport customs. Or an unholy combination of both. The guy in front of him goes through a turnstile and the guard barks at Loki to take a ticket. Loki points out that there's only two people in here. The guy is like 'those are the rules, just do it.' He glares at the guy, snatches a ticket and starts winding along the path, pausing to yell to nobody in particular that this is all a mistake and he shouldn't BE here. A PA comes on and a woman with a thick southern accent says "hi there! You're probably saying 'this is a mistake. I shouldn't even be here'" like, congratulations on activating my voice protocols. A video screen on the wall comes on and an animation featuring an anthropomorphized clock brightly welcomes him to the Time Variance Authority. The same voice introduces herself as Miss Minutes and says her job is to get him caught up before his trial. And, you know, give the audience a convenient exposition dump.

An animated video starts playing, with Miss Minutes voice overing about a multiversal war over "timeline supremacy" that nearly destroyed everything. To resolve the problem, self-described (apparently) "time keepers" just...appeared. Some sort of giant alien beings that gathered all the timelines into one "sacred" timeline, bringing peace to the multiverse. They protect that timeline still, but "people like you" which we call "variants" sometimes go veering off the sacred timeline, creating a "nexus event" that can branch the timeline into insanity and possibly another war if we don't do anything about it, so. The Time Keepers created the TVA and all the beings that work in it to "step in to fix your mistake and set time back on its predetermined path." One of the little cartoon agents sets down a device that looks like the one they set before Loki went through the door and it burns the entire "branch" the little cartoon variant created. Which isn't at all alarming. Except now you don't have a place on the timeline anymore after what you did, Miss Minutes finishes. So, we have to have a trial to...determine what to do with you? I don't know. The video ends with what is apparently the motto of the TVA: "for all time, always."

We go back to Loki, whose expression basically says 'are you fucking shitting me with this?' He starts laughing.

Chrissy: Well, wouldn't you?

He asks aloud if anybody actually believes this "bunkum." A guard at the other end of the line asks the other guy for his ticket. The guy says he doesn't have one and the other guard didn't give him one. He barely has a chance to get belligerent about it before the guard just pulls some sort of baton and seems to vaporize him with it. Loki looks alarmed and frantically searches for his ticket, holding it up triumphantly as Miss Minutes' recorded message reminds visitors to "let us know how we're doin'!"

Chrissy: I mean, we definitely don't give a shit what you think, but you can fill out the survey anyway. We love paperwork.

After the title card, we go to a cathedral, where Owen Wilson, surrounded by some TVA agents, is investigating some dead bodies. The chyron says this is in Aix-en-Provence, 1549. An agent says "the hunter and his minutemen" were responding to a nexus event when "somebody" jumped them. Which explains why the bodies are wearing modern clothing in 1549. Another agent says it's "him". Owen agrees that the stab wounds are consistent. The way the bodies are laid out indicates they were surprised by their attacker and the "reset charge" is gone. A male agent exposits that this is the sixth attack this week. "That we know of," Owen says pessimistically. Somebody comes through the church doors and the agent reaches for his vaporizer. Owen yells at him to stand down because it's "just a kid".

Owen approaches the kid and apologizes - in French - for his idiot friend over there. The guard snits - also in French - that he speaks all the timeline languages too, asshole. I'm pretty sure the version of French that they spoke back then isn't the same as what they speak now, but whatever.

Chrissy: We thought if we made them all sound Quebecoise people would laugh and claim it's a mistake.
Diandra: They sound Quebecoise anyway. That's just the North American accent. But the words would be different too. Like, Elizabethan English and present day English different.
Emilio: Right. And this is one of the reasons time travel would be difficult.
Diandra: That and you would definitely get salmonella immediately.

Owen ignores him and draws a stick figure on some sort of tablet, handing it to the girl and gesturing for her to tap on it. A hologram of the stick figure jumps up and starts walking across the screen. She giggles. He asks if she knows who did "this". She points to one of the stained glass windows that has an image of a horned devil on it. He says - in English - that the devil is afraid of them and they're going to take care of him.

The girl smiles as he takes back the pad and her teeth are blue. Owen asks what that's about. She pulls a blueberry bubble gum packet out of her pouch and hands it to him. He tells one of the agents to run it for "sequence period" and "temporal aura". The agent pulls out a device that shows the "sacred timeline" and the branch they are on, which is getting too close to a blinking red line at the top of the graph. He says they have to go. Owen tells the kid to go wait outside. An agent comes through a door suddenly and hands Owen a file, saying he will want to see this. It's Loki's file, with a big "apprehended" stamp across it.

Back at the TVA, Loki is led into a courtroom where the judge - who is Gugu Mbatha-Raw - identifies him as Laufeyson, variant L1130, and says he is charged with "sequence violation 7-20-89". She asks how he pleads. He laughs, says a god doesn't PLEAD and he would like to go home now, thanks. She says the correct answers are "guilty" or "not guilty". He sighs. "Guilty of being the god of mischief? Yes. Guilty of finding all this incredibly tedious? Yes." But this whole Sacred Timeline thing is bullshit and they have the wrong person. She asks who he thinks the "right" person would be. He suggests the Avengers, you know since the only reason he ended up with the Tesseract is because they time traveled and practically threw it at him. He thinks the whole time travel thing was "a last ditch effort to stave off my ascent to God King" because this version of him still has delusions of grandeur. By the way, he knows about the time travel thing because he could "smell the cologne of two Tony Starks".

Chrissy: Needless to say, it brought to mind a few fantasies.
Diandra: Still feeling a desperate need to prove something after that crack about performance issues, huh?
Chrissy: Details of these movies go through your brain like crap through a goose, but you remember THAT?!

Owen runs in and takes a seat in the viewing area while Loki is offering to hunt down the Avengers for them if they give him some resources. The Judge says what the Avengers did was SUPPOSED to happen, actually, but he wasn't supposed to escape like that. He asks who determines what was "supposed" to happen. She's like 'did you not watch that video out there?' He asks if he can speak to these "Time Keepers" directly. Seeing as they're probably all gods, you know. She says they're busy. He asks what they're "busy" doing. She says "dictating the proper flow of time" of course. He asks what she does then.

Chrissy: Forgive me, I'm kind of stuck playing exposition fairy here...

She says she's acting on their behalf and enough of this bullshit, what is your plea again? He says he's guilty of "this" and holds his arms out, making fists dramatically. Nothing happens except the others sort of laugh because he looks ridiculous. "He's trying to use his powers, ma'am," the agent explains. The judge is like 'yeah, obviously nobody told you magic doesn't work in the TVA.'

She declares him guilty and sentences him to "be reset." He asks what the hell THAT means while agents drag him away from the bench, yelping that these bureaucrats don't get to "dictate how my story ends". The judge says it isn't HIS story. Owen finally cuts in, asking if he can have a word with the judge. He approaches the bench and she leans over and hisses that if he's thinking what she THINKS he's thinking... He shrugs that he's "chasing a hunch". She relents easily, but says if it goes sideways, it's all on him and it probably will because it's a TERRIBLE idea. He says fine. Also, "I feel like I'm always looking up to you. I like it. It's appropriate." Which is one way to establish their existing relationship to each other.

Chrissy: Also that he may like being dominated by powerful women.

The guards apparently happily hand Loki over to him and the next thing we see is them walking a hallway with Loki muttering that he's going to "burn this place to the ground." Owen - can I stop calling him that soon? - says sure, buddy, you can start with my desk. And then Loki notices the insane CGI they're walking by. They are on a sort of balcony overlooking what seems to be an enormous futuristic city with flying vehicles zipping around and a giant statue of the three timekeepers holding a ticker tape screen. Loki starts going into denial, announcing that none of this can be real, he must be having some sort of nightmare. Owen guides him back down the hall, assuring him that it is real and there's giant piles of paperwork to prove it, which he can use for fire starter.

They get in an actual elevator that has floors labeled with seemingly random combinations of letters and numbers and Owen FINALLY introduces himself as Agent Mobius. He holds out his hand, which Loki looks at like 'you can't be serious.' Loki asks if he's taking him somewhere to kill him.

Chrissy: Okay, if I'm playing Loki here, then one of you has to step up and be Mobius.
Diandra: Nah, that would hardly be sporting with that collar on.
Emilio: [at the same time] No, that would be a waste of a pretty mouth and a nice ass.
Chrissy: ....yeah, seeing as Emilio is clearly just playing Grandmaster again, I'm going to pick Dee because I don't think that's the vibe we want here.

Mobius says no, he's taking him AWAY from the place where somebody would kill him because he wants to talk. Loki says he doesn't like to talk.

Chrissy: Not really big on foreplay in general.

Mobius calls bullshit because everybody knows Loki LOVES the sound of his own voice, which is probably why Thor travels with a gag close at hand. Loki glares at him and asks how long he's been in this place. Mobius shrugs that time works differently at the TVA, so who knows? Loki says but he's part of that team of workers "created by the timekeepers" to protect the sacred timeline as was mentioned in the video, right? Mobius says yep. All of that. Absolutely. Loki laughs and says that the idea that they decide the fates of trillions of beings "across all of existence at the behest of three space lizards" is absurd. Mobius just notes that he really was lying about not liking talking then. Loki sighs heavily.

They go into an interrogation room that - like the rest of the facility - was decorated sometime in the 70s. Loki still thinks it looks like a place where Mobius can kill him. Mobius notes that he has trust issues. Loki mutters that trust is for "children and dogs" and the only person you can trust is yourself. Mobius thinks he should put that on a t-shirt. Loki finally asks the question he probably should have asked earlier: how come he's never heard of this organization that supposedly oversees the flow of all of time? Mobius says he never needed to because he was on the correct path. Loki tries to rush him suddenly and he uses the collar control the same way the guard did before, jolting Loki back to where he was. He's like 'yeah, when I said time works differently here, I wasn't kidding.'

Loki sits across the interrogation table from him slowly, slouching back and folding his arms across his chest, glaring. Mobius suggests he try cooperating a LITTLE here. Loki snarls that he's not really big on that. "Even when you're wooing someone powerful you intend to betray?"

Chrissy: Are you...inviting me to try to WOO you, or...?
Emilio: It couldn't hurt.
Diandra: Especially since that implies you think I'm powerful.
Chrissy: You do remember how the whole horse thing turned out, right?

Mobius cracks open a soda and exposits that he specializes in tracking dangerous variants. Which, obviously, Loki doesn't qualify as because he wasn't involved in his capture. "You're just a pussycat." He continues like he doesn't notice the look Loki is giving him at THAT blow to his godhood. He says he has some questions and if Loki answers them honestly "then maybe I can give you something you want."

Diandra: You know, given the Dom/Sub dynamic here...we might have our roles backwards.
Emilio: No, Chrissy is too much of a chaos Muppet to be anyone other than Loki.
Chrissy: I will take that as a compliment. And the power dynamic is varying, but given the way he was talking to Judge Gugu back there I'd peg him as a sub.
Diandra: ....was that...a metaphorical or literal statement?
Chrissy: [smirks] I know you're not new to the gutter, Dee, but it's nice to see you no longer fighting it.

No, he implies that he might just be able to help Loki leave this place if he cooperates.

So, first question, what's the first thing he would do if he was returned? Loki says he'd finish what he started. Which was apparently lay claim to his throne. Mobius says so he wants to be king then? Loki says it's his BIRTHRIGHT. Mobius asks what he would be king of, exactly. Loki says he wouldn't understand.

Chrissy: Mostly because I don't understand it myself.

Mobius asks what would happen after he became king of "Midgard". Loki thinks that would lead to him taking over Asgard and then the rest of the nine realms. Mobius kind of mocks this logical train ending up at him being king of all of space, which would "be a nice feather in your cap."

Chrissy: [grumbling] I'll put a feather in YOUR cap.

Loki growls that Mobius would DARE mock him. Mobius says he's not, in fact...he's kind of a fan. And he's curious why someone "with so much range" is so hell bent just on being a king. "The first and most oppressive lie ever uttered," Loki says. "Was the song of freedom. For nearly every living thing, choice breeds shame and uncertainty and regret. There's a fork in every road, yet the wrong path is always taken." So you should love the implications that there is a set path the TVA is maintaining and free will is just an illusion then. What's that? Oh, you don't like it being applied to you specifically. Okay. Mobius catches this and notes that he said "nearly" every living thing, so he's not counting himself there? Loki just laughs and non answers something about the TVA being a circus and they are all clowns. Mobius thinks the metaphor thing is cute and makes him sound smart. Loki defensively says he IS smart.

Mobius decides now is a good time to turn on the projector on the table. It projects the New York skyline with the Stark/Avengers tower in the center on the wall. He tells Loki this is a sort of..."sampling of your greatest hits." He taps the projector and it switches to the POV shot of the six original Avengers hovering over him after he was defeated. Loki groans and buries his face while his voice asks if he can have that drink now. Mobius holds out his can of soda like he's offering Loki a drink and Loki glares at him some more. Mobius says "for someone born to rule, you sure do lose a lot." That's because he's a trickster god. His plans generally went to shit and ended badly for him. Like the time he ended up impregnated by a horse. Or the time he tied his testicles to a goat. Or the time he had his lips sewn shut. Or...

Chrissy: Yes, we get it.

Loki says things didn't "turn out so well" for the last person who said something like that to him. Mobius identifies this as a reference to Phil Coulson.

Chrissy: I suppose now is as good a time as any to note what we got wrong about "Agents of Shield"?
Diandra: Did they ever say how he survived?
Chrissy: Yeah. He didn't. Fury did a bunch of experimental bullshit to bring him back to life. For reasons.
Diandra: Okay. Yeah, still not going to watch that series.

Mobius plays the scene where Loki stabbed Coulson and rhetorically asks if that wasn't part of why the Avengers FORMED to defeat him. He plays some of the footage of the attack on New York and asks if Loki enjoys hurting people. Treating them like worthless creatures he can destroy on a whim. Loki looks at the floor for a bit, then snaps at him that this ISN'T working. "I know what I am."

Emilio: A psychopath?

Mobius plays the part where he pulled out a guard's eye in Germany and notes the smile on his face. "You are enjoying that." Loki is still not really looking at the screen as he says he doesn't have to play this game. "I'm a god." Mobius says yeah, of Mischief. What the hell is this psycho shit though? Loki just repeats something about him not understanding and Mobius gives up and moves on. "You're really good at doing awful things and then just getting away." He plays his favorite clip of this, which is something we haven't seen before so we push in and actually watch the scene.

A flight attendant on what the pilot announces is a Northwest Orient Airlines flight to Seattle offers Loki - who has short, brownish hair and generally looks like Tom Hiddleston at his prettiest - a bourbon and soda. She asks if there's anything else she can do for him and he suggestively says maybe later, winking and handing her a piece of paper.

Chrissy: This feels like proof that he could play Bond.
Diandra: Yeah, but he's getting too old now. At the rate they put out those movies, he'd be 50 before he could finish two.

She giggles and starts to leave when he calls her back. "Yes, Mr. Cooper?" He tells her to actually look at that note he just handed her because it says he has a bomb in the briefcase beside him. Cut to the plane sitting on the tarmac while a bunch of agents and cops swarm in.

In the present, Loki mutters that he doesn't know why we're discussing THAT right n- and Mobius cuts him off like he's talking in the middle of a movie, insisting that it's getting to the good part. The flight attendant brings him a duffle bag full of money as he's strapping himself into a parachute. He takes it and winks at her again. Then he says aloud that Thor and Heimdall had better be ready and jumps from the plane, which is flying again. The rainbow bridge beam snaps him away as he's falling through the sky, leaving a bunch of money fluttering behind. "I can't believe you were D.B. Cooper," Mobius yells giddily. Loki grumbles that he lost a bet to Thor. Which is...totally on brand, actually. He asks where the TVA was when all that was going on, by the way. The Time Keepers had no problems with any of that? Mobius is like 'uh...yeah.'

He goes back to the original subject, with, he admits, a bit of "psychobabble". "What is it that you think that you're really running from?" Loki has had it and gets up and tries to leave. Mobius just pushes the button that zips him right back to the chair. Loki bluffs that he was just standing to "make a point". Mobius says oh, really? Then go ahead. Loki grumbles that it wouldn't be meaningful anymore. Mobius says he can stay seated then. Loki gets frustrated and gets up and starts pacing. He asks what Mobius WANTS from him. Mobius says he wants him to be honest. He just wants to understand.

Loki decides this place is some sort of illusion, something that's supposed to "inspire fear. A desperate attempt at control." They want him to believe they are the "divine arbiters" of the universe, but he's not buying it. He was very close to getting exactly what he wanted and not because they LET him or it was SUPPOSED to happen or whatever. Mobius asks if he's finished with that little rant and starts laying out how things were SUPPOSED to happen had Loki not removed himself from the timeline. He plays the clip from "Dark World" where Loki is escorted back to Asgard in chains and his mother begs him not to make the punishment worse. And because this part hasn't happened to him yet, Loki just thinks this is a trick. Mobius says it isn't just the PAST they know about. They know the entire trajectory of his life as it is meant to go. Loki scoffs, but slips closer to the projection of his mother like a moth to a flame. Mobius narrates that the Dark Elves attacked the palace and "I think you send them to Thor". Snippet of Loki telling them which stairs to take from his cell. Except that wasn't the direction of THOR. And we get to the scene of them killing Frigga and he staggers back in horror. He demands to know where they're keeping her because this is NOT real. Mobius repeats that this is just a future event in the proper flow of time. Then he asks again if Loki enjoys hurting people. Loki is still insisting this is all a trick and he'll kill Mobius if he doesn't tell him where they're keeping his mother. He finally snaps and throws his chair at Mobius. Mobius just ducks and uses the device to wind him back to where the chair used to be. Loki hits the floor and winces. Mobius says yeah, the "Time Twister just loops you, not the furniture." He says Loki's purpose is not to be a king. It's to "cause pain and suffering and death. All so that others can achieve their best versions of themselves." He plays the shot of the Avengers...assembling before taking him down in the first Avengers movie. Then he goes to help Loki off the floor.

The agent - and I'm just going to use the name the captioner uses because I have no idea when anybody is going to say it - Hunter B-15, enters the room suddenly to tell Mobius that there's a situation. Mobius sighs, tells Loki to stay put and just leaves. Outside, B-15 yells at him for talking to "that variant". They should reset him and be done with it. He argues that she always jumps to that answer, but he's making progress in there. She says they lost another unit. His face falls and we cut back to the room where he returns, saying they can continue this tomorrow. The room is empty. Mobius reaches into his pockets, not finding what he's looking for, and mutters "mischievous scamp".

Elsewhere in the building, Loki appears, the time twister in his hand. Some agents come out of a doorway at one end of the hall and Eugene the desk jockey is wheeling a cart at the other. He follows Eugene.

Mobius and B-15 round up a team to search for Loki. B-15 sneers that this should NOT come as a surprise to ANYONE, but Mobius thinks he was getting through to him. B-15 tells the agents to "prune on sight" and Mobius yells that they will NOT be pruning OR resetting because "he can still help us."

Loki finds Eugene going through some files and hisses at him to shut up when he starts loudly describing him as "that criminal with the blue box." He asks the guy's name. It's Casey, apparently. "Give me the Tesseract or I'll gut you like a fish, Casey," Loki says completely unconvincingly.

Emilio: He really is a pussycat when he doesn't have his powers.

Casey asks what a fish is, which distracts Loki because seriously? Casey says he's lived his whole life behind a desk, so.

Chrissy: Which MIGHT explain never having seen a live one, but not this.

Casey says he'd like to know exactly what he's being threatened with before he complies. Loki refrains from smacking him as he hisses that he's being threatened with VIOLENT AND PAINFUL DEATH. Casey is like 'okay, fine, sheesh...' He reaches into a filing cabinet and pulls out the Tesseract. Loki takes it, but is distracted when he sees it was surrounded by several copies of Infinity Stones in what otherwise looks like a junk drawer. He asks how they have these. Casey shrugs that they get a lot of them and "some of the guys use them as paperweights." Loki picks up a copy of the time stone and looks around numbly as things finally seem to sink in. He looks around the office space and at the screen showing the Sacred Timeline scrolling by and asks if this place is "the greatest power in the universe."

B-15 arrives and runs at him with one of those vaporizers. She looks extremely eager to use it on him. He uses the time twister to disappear before she can hit him and Casey yelps that her wild swing almost hit HIM and WHAT THE FUCK?

Loki ends up back in the interrogation room, on the floor where his chair used to be. He looks at the projected image of the Avengers still on the wall and goes to fiddle with the projector, forwarding to the part where Frigga is laying dead on the floor again. His lip quivers and tears start building. He forwards again, stopping apparently randomly on Odin saying "I love you, my sons" and turning to starlight or whatever that was. He starts full on crying. And then it goes to the part where Thor tells him "I thought the world of you. I thought we were gonna fight side by side forever" and "maybe you're not so bad after all." And then it goes right to the scene where Thanos kills him and he stops crying and walks closer to the wall with the projection, looking sick and horrified as Thanos breaks his neck. He looks away as Thor cries over his body. The reel on the projector ends and the screen announces "end of file".

Okay, you might want to pull up a chair because this could be a long tangent. I would recommend this clip for anyone who thinks Tom Hiddleston is nothing but a pretty face, but I doubt it would convince the fanboys who thought the main problem with the first two Thor movies was that they appealed too much to women. Yes, that is an actual argument that has been made. I saw a thread on Twitter mocking guys who sneered that we were just watching "Loki" for Tom like it was an absurd argument since he's the title character. This missed the point entirely as they were clearly dismissing our viewership as little more than "they think he's hot". Like we are so shallow that there can't possibly be another reason we would like this series, this character, etc. I realize that I have probably given the impression that this is true for me with statements like "I wasn't watching it for the plots", but...I've been watching this series since the very beginning when it wasn't clear there would BE a series and it was basically presented as part of Robert Downey Jr.'s comeback tour. Like a lot of people, I'm sure, the MCU was my introduction to Tom (and the Chrises and probably a lot of other actors not readily springing to mind). If I was watching purely for shallow reasons, I would not have even attempted "Guardians of the Galaxy" and I wouldn't be avoiding recapping the first Captain America movie because it bored me. I watch movies for the story. Whether or not I can drool over the main actor is just a bonus. Or a distraction depending on the movie.

Chrissy: More importantly, the idea that there is only one reason we would watch this series is insulting because it's like saying we can't walk and chew gum at the same time.
Diandra: Yeah, that. We couldn't possibly be watching something for MORE THAN ONE REASON. That would just overload our fragile lady brains.
Emilio: But there are movies that you only watch for the one reason, right? Like "Ocean's Eleven"?
Diandra: No, maybe "Ocean's Thirteen" because by that point the plot was entirely extraneous. But I watched "Eleven" because it was a fun heist movie that was much better than the original Frank Sinatra version. The pretty leads were a bonus.

Chrissy: Okay, back to this show...we talked before about how those same fanboys claimed making Loki redeemable in any way was appeasing Tom's female fans.
Diandra: Yeah. This despite the fact that the seeds of the idea that he was being coerced somehow were planted at the beginning of the first "Avengers". They are determined to believe that was only added recently to appease the shallow ladies. Which might touch on the problem of people who can't comprehend characters who are multi dimensional and capable of growth. Loki was never a very good villain in the comics and he certainly wasn't a villain at all in mythology. He is chaos. The reason most of his plans went to shit is because he does things without necessarily thinking them through. He does what he wants to do at any given time, not what is right or even because it isn't.
Chrissy: Probably why he can be considered one of the more relatable characters. He doesn't do self-sacrificing or noble gestures. He's not good or bad. He just IS.
Diandra: Exactly. There is a reason I cast Tom Hiddleston as my original character in "Of Dubious and Questionable Memory" and it's not because I wanted to live vicariously through Sherlock. It's because I knew the character was going to be a hot mess who did bad things but was still likable. Someone complicated and existing firmly in a grey area of morality - neither a protagonist nor an antagonist really. I couldn't think of anyone better to embody him. Anyway. Do you want to get into a discussion about existentialism and the implications of that little scene there or move on before this becomes more essay than recap?
Emilio: Move on because there will be plenty of time for that later. It's an unavoidable topic with this show.
Diandra: True. Okay, moving on for now.

B-15 finds Loki laughing in front of the blank screen and asks what's funny. He just mutters "glorious purpose" and goes to punch her. She blocks it and twists his arm, bringing him to his knees immediately. Then she bends him over the table - possibly to cuff his hands behind his back - and he grabs the time twister he left there. He gets the upper hand, but instead of just jumping himself out again, he uses her controls to detach the collar and wrap it around her neck instead and then time twisters her away before she can hit him again. He takes a moment to play with the controls and get a little payback, looping her repeatedly in front of him while she yells at him to stop before leaving her...wherever.

She appears in front of Casey as he's telling some guys about what happened and how this criminal kept threatening to turn him into a fish, whatever that is. He informs her that that Variant she had earlier got away. She just glares at him and stomps off.

Loki sits on a step at the edge of the room with his head in his hands and doesn't even look up as Mobius enters, holding a vaporizer stick like he doesn't really want to use it, but he WILL if he has to. Loki defeatedly notes that he can't go back to his timeline. And honestly, given what he just saw of it, he probably wouldn't want to. Then he finally answers that no, he doesn't enjoy hurting people. He does it "because I've had to." Mobius relaxes and prompts him to explain that. Loki says it's part of "the illusion." "It's the cruel, elaborate trick conjured by the weak to inspire fear." Mobius recalls those words from earlier and concludes that he's grasping for control. Loki holds up the Tesseract and Mobius asks if he tried to use it. Loki says "several times" but Infinity Stones are apparently rendered useless in this place. Mobius says he can't offer "salvation", but "maybe I can offer you something better."

He finally explains what he's been doing these past few scenes. A Variant went rogue and has been killing their Minutemen. Loki concludes that they need the God of Mischief to help stop him. Mobius says well, yeah, because he's a variant of you.

Somewhere in Oklahoma...probably where New Asgard hovers over in the comics...1858. A door opens in a field and some Minutemen step out, heading right for a futuristic device stuck in the ground. The leader scans it and determines it's from the third millennium. Another agent sniffs at the puddle near it and determines it's oil. "Some jackass found himself a time machine. Came back here to get rich." She asks if they should look for him. He says nah, it isn't worth the paperwork. Just "prune" it and "set a charge." Then they notice someone in a cloak hovering at the edge of the field. The figure drops a lantern, lighting the trail of oil and they scream as they are engulfed in fire. One guy escapes and tries to reach the device they apparently dropped on the ground already. Something drags him back and picks up the device. And we linger on the shadowy cloaked figure before we smash to credits.

Chrissy: And even though we're clearly supposed to think it's a dude, they're going so out of their way to hide any context clues at all that it's actually really easy to guess that the reason they haven't found their Variant is because they haven't considered he is really a she.
Diandra: Yeah, I think I figured that out before the reveal too, but I can't remember how long before.
Emilio: This kind of looks like the 13th Doctor reveal video.
Diandra: And in hindsight, that was probably the other clue.

Episode 2: The Variant

We're back to the old Michael Giacchino fanfare accompanying the title card, but it still turns green with gold streaks at the end. Just in case we forgot which show we were watching. And then suddenly we're at a Renaissance Festival with period appropriate music. And we know it's a festival and not the actual renaissance because the chyron says we're in Oshkosh, Wisconsin in 1985. One of those TVA doors opens and a couple minutemen step out. I don't know if their helmets always had their numbers and I didn't notice, but the first one says C-20. A lady asks them what's going on because they "aren't dressed right." They ignore her as their scanners identify their target as being in a nearby tent.

They go into the tent, which is huge and dark, lit only by some torches on pillars. A speaker system starts blaring ominous music and C-20 yelps that it's a trap. What seems to be a recorded message welcomes them to the "castle" just in time for a battle over their princess. "Will evil prevail, or are we holding out for a hero?" This prompts the song "Holding Out for a Hero" to start playing. A hand touches C-20s temple and her eyes glow green for a moment. She takes off her helmet and starts picking off the other minutemen with the help of the still carefully hidden Loki variant. Then she just passes out. The Variant picks up one of the devices, opens a door and drags her unconscious body through it as Bonnie Tyler screeches about needing a hero one last time.

Chrissy: I would like to formally thank whoever made the decision to use that song for getting it stuck in my head for a week straight.

Back at the TVA, Loki is sitting at a desk with a magazine open to an ad for a jet ski while Miss Minutes asks for a review of what happens when a Nexus event goes past the red line. "Very bad things," he mutters. She glares at him from where she is perched on the desk and prompts him for a better answer. He sighs and recites that the red line is the point at which the TVA can no longer reset the timeline. Which is boring. She says not being able to reset a nexus event would lead to the destruction of the timeline and collapse of all reality as they know it. He's like yeah, whatever. He asks if she is a recording or a live holographic...thing as he rolls up the magazine. She says both, oblivious to his intentions. He looks around the room before he tries to hit her. She dodges him a few times before escaping into the ancient looking computer on the desk and declaring him a jerk.

Mobius appears and asks how the training is going.

Chrissy: Great! My aim is improving.

He gets momentarily distracted when he notices Loki has weaponized his jetski magazine. He tells him to put it down and shoves a packaged shirt into his hands, announcing that there's been an attack and they need to go. Now. Loki follows him, pulling out the brown shirt with the orange TVA logo they're expecting him to wear now.

In what is apparently a mission room with a scroll on the wall for the time and place of that Wisconsin thing, B-15 says C-20 and her team seem to have been ambushed the minute they "entered the 1985 branch". But they got enough temporal aura to positively ID the rogue as the Loki variant that's been attacking them, but "which kind of Loki remains unknown." Loki is like 'well, obviously it's a lesser specimen since I'm standing right here.' B-15 sighs and asks him to turn around and show her the back of the jacket they gave him. He didn't look at it before he put it on, so he didn't realize that it says VARIANT in big letters across his back until just now. "Very subtle," he sneers. B-15 says she wanted everyone in the field to know who he is. He snots that what he IS is their best hope at catching a killer. She declares him a "cosmic mistake", which...ouch. Mobius tells the kids to quit fighting.

Chrissy: She started it.
Diandra: I would threaten a spanking, but I'm pretty sure that's not a threat.
Chrissy: Not if you're trying to discourage a behavior, no. On a related note, would you like me to call you Daddy or just Sir?
Diandra: Oh, this won't get weird at all.

Mobius reminds everybody that they aren't just looking for a Time Criminal, they are looking for a variation of Loki, which should be familiar to them all because the TVA has pruned a LOT of Lokis. Probably more than they have any other variant of anyone anywhere. He pulls up a holographic display showing Tom in a somewhat different costume than usual, identified as Loki 1247. The hologram changes to an image of apparently the same variant dressed as a soccer player holding the world cup. Loki blinks at the display as Mobius rambles that there are many variations and no two are alike. Some are only slightly different and some...the image changes to what looks like Tom's head pasted on an enormous body builder, variant 6792. He says the variants powers can vary, though they generally include shape shifting and "illusion projection". Loki cuts him off to correct that it's called "duplication casting" and those are totally different abilities because illusion projection is creating a "detailed image from outside oneself" that is "perceptible in the external world" and duplication casting is just making a carbon copy of oneself as a "holographic mirror." Mobius is like okay, so...we're all going to team up including Professor Loki over there to find this guy.

As they're walking somewhere else, Loki asks if he gets a weapon. Mobius refrains from asking if he's fucking kidding. Loki notes that he'll have his magic back the minute he leaves the TVA and asks if Mobius is concerned he might betray him. Mobius confidently says no, because he already knows they can catch him and he wants to talk to the Time Keepers, right? Loki stops walking like 'wait...you're negotiating letting me talk to the Time Keepers?' Mobius is like 'maybe. Be a good boy and we'll see.'

Chrissy: Be a good boy and get a thing I want. Be a bad boy and also get a thing I want. Really not making it an easy choice here.
Diandra: And this is why Odin just gave up and lapsed into a coma.
Chrissy: Is that an answer on the whole calling you Daddy thing or just a random observation?

They all walk through a time door into that Renaissance Festival in 1985. Loki goes back to playing Exposition Fairy, asking why they don't just go back to before the attack and catch the variant then.

Chrissy: Because we just spent a whole movie insisting that's not how time travel works?
Diandra: Pffft. Like the writers are going to remember that. Hell, they forgot it in the last ten minutes of that movie.

Mobius says Nexus Events destabilize the flow of time, so they have to respond in real time because the branch is still growing. Uh-huh. Sure. He asks if Loki watched ANY of those training videos he was supposed to. He says he watched as many as he could stand before he got bored. One of the other agents decides to add to the exposition dump by prompting him to identify the hour glass things strapped to his belt. Loki says they are reset charges and they "prune the affected radius of a branched timeline" which is basically a polite way of saying that they "disintegrate everything". Mobius is like 'okay, cool, so you did watch some of the videos. Let's move on and not address what you just said.'

They all enter the tent and find C-20s helmet laying on the ground. They debate why the variant is taking hostages now. One agent suggests he just pruned her. B-15 says nah, a Loki couldn't have "gotten the jump on C-20". Loki starts to say that she might be underestimating but she just ignores him and starts barking orders to continue searching for her because they are "three units" from that dreaded red line. They start heading for the door and Loki calls them to a halt. Because he's pretty sure if they leave now they'll just end up like this last batch of agents. Mobius sidles up and asks what he sees. Apparently he's figuring out why Mobius wants his help because he's beginning to see what sort of plot he would be laying out here if he were doing this. He spouts an Asgardian saying: "where there are wolf's ears, wolf's teeth are near." He thought the saying was absurd because "my people are, by nature, gullible fools." A trait he has always been able to exploit.

Chrissy: I believe we discussed this during "Ragnarok" where we questioned whether they were really stupid enough to believe he was Odin for that long.
Diandra: Yeah. Apparently.

He squats beside one of the bodies, reveling in the fact that he has their attention now and basically preening. B-15 sighs and reminds Mobius that they're running out of time indulging this crap. Loki lights on her, saying the TVA agents are no different than the gods of Asgard really. "Drunk with power. Blinded to the truth. Those you underestimate will devour you." And because they underestimate both him and this other Loki he is determined to think of as lesser "you walk into one wolf's mouth after another." Her device bleats and she announces that the line just got a unit closer and this is a waste of time. Mobius tries to reel him in, asking him to get to the point. B-15 bleats that they need to be looking for C-20. Loki says that's what the variant wants them to do because this is a trap and he said they couldn't leave the tent because the variant is obviously waiting for them. The guy with the reset charges asks if he should go ahead and set them. Loki tells him to wait because "he wants me. I'm the key to his plan. He knows that I'm stronger than him."

Emilio: Really desperate to prove something, isn't he?
Diandra: Hmm. Still smarting from those cracks about performance issues. He really wants to believe he is the most powerful being.
Chrissy: Are you two finished psychoanalyzing over there?
Diandra: Just saying.

Loki says this other Loki obviously believes that together they can "overthrow and rule the TVA", but that isn't what he wants. He is a "servant of the Sacred Timeline" now and he can catch this variant for them. Yeah. You literally just said they were gullible and easily fooled.

Chrissy: I mean, obviously I am a servant to no one, but I'm willing to play the part for a while, Daddy.
Diandra: Okay, you can stop the daddy thing.
Chrissy: Can I?

Loki slips closer to Mobius and tells him he just needs his word that they won't just vaporize him the minute the job is done. Mobius is like 'okay...' Loki leans closer and whispers that they need to speak to the Time Keepers too because "they're in graver danger than we realized." Mobius stares for a beat and says nah, he's lying. There's nobody out there. Set the charges.

Chrissy: It was the part about the Time Keepers, wasn't it? That was the giveaway?
Diandra: Obviously.

They set those devices on the ground and this time we see them go off and vaporize bodies and equipment not native to that point in time. Back at the TVA, the Oskosh line branching off recedes back into the Sacred Timeline. A monitor announces that the timeline was reset and C-20 has been declared MIA.

And then Mobius is in an office somewhere in the building with a desk surrounded by statues of the Time Keepers. We get a close up of one and...I can see why Loki described them as lizards, but they look more like that alien species from "Enterprise" that had variations that were primate, lizard and aquatic.

Emilio: The Xindi?
Diandra: That's it! Weren't they the ones time traveling from the distant future too?
Emilio: No, I think that was just the humans.
Chrissy: Why are you encouraging her, Emilio?
Emilio: Sorry.

I'm just going to start using Judge lady's name because I don't know when anybody said it. It's Ravonna. Mobius thinks the office keeps looking better every time he sees it. Because she keeps acquiring new and interesting stuff. He asks where she got the new snow globe on the shelf over there.

Chrissy: Some kid named Tommy Westphall.
Diandra: Oh, dear god, NO.

He says he doesn't remember working a case where they would have brought that back. She says he's not the only analyst who works for her. He bristles and asks if he's her favorite though.

Chrissy: Hahaha...no.

He asks why she gets to keep all his trophies collected from missions anyway. She says it's because she's the one approving those missions. "Speaking of which, let's talk about the one you just botched."

She hands him a glass of some sort of alcohol and recites that "this variant is insubordinate, stubborn, unpredictable" which sounds like someone she knows. He puts his glass down on the table and she chastises him for never using a coaster and putting rings on that table all the damn time. He mutters that maybe some of them came from her OTHER favorite analyst while he slides a coaster under the glass.

Chrissy: You are really asking for a spanking later, aren't you?

He acknowledges that letting "this" Loki work with them is "controversial". She's like, yeah, I especially like the part where you took a dangerous variant INTO THE FIELD with you. He says yeah, okay, but the more they learn about this Loki the more they know about the variant they're trying to catch, right? She sighs and says "I know you have a soft spot for broken things."

Chrissy: Or a hard spot.
Diandra: Stop it.

But she says Loki is "an evil, lying scourge" because that is his destined role on the Sacred Timeline. Mobius thinks maybe he is tired of that role. Ravonna says he can't change it unless the Time Keepers "decree it."

Chrissy: And we're back to what Loki was asking: who the hell died and made them the deciders of everyone's destiny?
Diandra: Yeah. Someone wrote an article after the first episode about how this show was giving him an existential crisis. Like...nothing you do will change the set course of your life. Thanks, Disney.

Anyway. Ravonna says the timekeepers are SUPER involved in this case and they WANT that Loki Variant caught. "And this is the last chance you're gonna get with this Loki." Mobius thinks that's all he needs. She signs off on the paperwork and hands it to him. He signs above her "R. Slayer" and then notices that the pen is branded Franklin Roosevelt High School. Which he doesn't recognize from a case either and notes "must be from that analyst you keep on the side."

Emilio: I mean, they could be a little more obvious with the "are you cheating on me" subtext, but...
Diandra: I bet he's younger and better looking, isn't he? ISN'T HE?!

She stops him before he can leave the office, asking if he really trusts this variant. Or, as she words it, does he "believe in" him? Mobius shrugs that he believes in himself enough for the both of them. And if it doesn't work out, he'll "delete him" personally.

Loki is sitting in a chair outside the room. Mobius whistles at him as he starts down the hall. Loki runs after him babbling about how that was just his first lesson in "catching a Loki" because a trickster can exploit the fact that everyone knows he's a trickster... Mobius rolls his eyes so hard he probably catches a glimpse of his brain and he tells Loki to just shut up for once. Go back to the version of you that didn't want to talk for a while. Loki says but you WANTED me here because I can offer insight into what makes a Loki tick, right? Mobius says he's here to help catch a superior version of himself. Loki, naturally, takes offense at the "superior version" part of that statement. Mobius says THAT is the problem right there. He thought that insecurity and need for validation would help because it would motivate him to catch this other Loki and prove that he is better, smarter, whatever. Because let's face it: he would never be involved in this for noble reasons.

Loki chuckles and adjusts Mobius' tie patronizingly while he says that the idea that Mobius can manipulate him like that is "adorable". Because yeah, he's the one being manipulated and Loki is "ten steps ahead" of him. Mobius is like 'oh, so this is all part of your grand scheme, is it? You planned to charm your way to an audience with the Timekeepers and take control of the TVA from there? You know how you just said back there that everyone knows you're a trickster?' "A double cross by history's most reliable liar," he mutters. Loki asks why he is sticking his neck out like this then. "I'll give you two options," Mobius snaps. "And you can believe whichever one you want. A, because I see a scared little boy shivering in the cold, and you kind of feel bad for that ice runt. Or B, I just wanna catch this guy and I'll tell you whatever I need to tell you."

Emilio: Or C, I just want to get into your pants.
Chrissy: Or D, all of the above.

The elevator arrives and Loki follows Mobius into it before grumbling that he doesn't need his sympathy. Mobius snots that that's good because he doesn't have much more of it to give. As they're coming back out of the elevator, Loki asks if this is another part of his manipulation. Mobius says no, this is just his last chance. He's going to go through all of the case files on the variant and give his "unique Loki perspective." Because it's possible they missed something somewhere. Loki thinks they probably missed a lot seeing as they're all idiots. Mobius is well beyond being baited now and just pats him on the back and points him to a desk with papers piled on it and invites him to work "like your life depends on it" while he gets some snacks.

So we cut to Loki flicking through a file and sarcastically noting out loud that the Variant ambushed ANOTHER team of minutemen and stole their reset charge. How surprising. The lady at the table behind him shushes him because THIS IS A LIBRARY. He turns and just...impotently shushes her back.

Chrissy: no, YOU shut up.

He finds what must be the equivalent of the librarian sitting at a desk typing on an ancient computer keyboard. He tries to talk to her and she ignores him until he slowly taps the bell on the counter. Then she turns and asks with a stone face if she can help him. He bullshits something about important TVA business and how they "red lined near the apex" and she just stares at him like 'if you're trying to flirt with me you can give up right now, pal.' He says anyway...he'd like any files about the creation of the TVA. She says those are classified. He sighs and asks for "all the files pertaining to the beginning of time" then. She says those are classified to. He tries the end of time. Classified. He asks what files he CAN have then. She takes him into the stacks and shoves HIS casefile into his hands.

So he's going through whatever files he has and comes across a document about the destruction of Asgard. We focus especially on the description of Ragnarok as a "class seven apocalypse: total planetary destruction" and the words "entire civilization annihilated" and "zero variance energy detected". He tears up a little, then visibly gets an idea.

He finds Mobius in the cafeteria and Mobius says around a mouthful of food that he was instructed not to bother him until he'd read all the files. Loki insists he has and "the answer isn't in the files, it's on the timeline." His theory is that they can't find the variant because he's hiding in apocalypses. He shows Mobius the page on Ragnarok and Mobius offers condolences on the loss of his entire planet. Loki brushes it off like 'yeah, whatever' like he wasn't just getting misty eyed over it. Which probably implies that he has learned to see that sort of response as a weakness.

Chrissy: The would-be psychologist in you is nerding out over there, aren't you?

Anyway, he reminds the audience that Nexus Events only happen when someone does something they're not supposed to. Because that causes a cascade of a bunch of other events that weren't supposed to happen, creating a whole new timeline. Mobius summarizes it as "chaotic alterations of a predetermined outcome."

Loki decides he needs to do a demonstration. He snatches the salad from in front of Mobius, ignoring his protests, and declares it is Asgard. If he were to visit Asgard before it was completely destroyed, he could do anything he wanted like "push the Hulk off the rainbow bridge" or "set fire to the palace". These two things are illustrated by putting, like, half the shakers of salt and pepper on the salad while Mobius groans at him not to do that. I'm just going to assume he knows Hulk was on Asgard during Ragnarok because he read it in a file somewhere because how the hell else would he know that? He reaches for the soda can on the table and finds it empty, so he goes to steal the box of juice from Casey at the next table so he can complete his very bad analogy. He pours the juice over the salad to Mobius' dismay and says Ragnarok negates any effect anything he did may have caused because it "obliterates the salt." He grins like he's so proud of this terrible demonstration that probably proves he would make a really shitty teacher. Mobius just looks sadly at the mess like 'that was my lunch you just ruined.'

Fun story: some girls in school once tried to prove a point to me in a very similar demonstration. They kept mixing one thing after another together, trying to goad me into saying it was gross so they could point to what I was eating and say that's how they felt watching me eat THAT. Except they overestimated how easy that would be because I didn't say anything until they had an unholy mixture of EVERY SINGLE THING on the tray swimming in both milk and juice and I'm pretty sure the girl who started it was frustrated that she had made her entire lunch completely inedible. And I got to finish my peanut butter and banana sandwich that they were being so fucking dramatic about. Anyway, my point is...jesus christ on a cracker that analogy is terrible.

Loki admits that his metaphor isn't very good, but Mobius gets what he's saying, right? Tidal wave, meteor, volcano, supernova, giant demon destroying the planet, whatever. If everything is getting obliterated soon, you can do whatever you want and it won't matter.

Chrissy: Like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, which is ALREADY A PERFECTLY GOOD ANALOGY AND WHY DIDN'T I GO WITH THAT?

He keeps shaking the hell out of the pepper and salt shakers over what used to be a salad like a crazy person, then bangs them down on the table and offers to prove it. "Take me to a real apocalypse." Mobius snorts that he'd just run away. No. "I'm not taking you for a stroll along the promenade, much less an apocalypse."

Chrissy: You really don't love me then. You're just using me to get to this other guy you keep insisting is better than me.
Diandra: I mean...I haven't been hiding that at all.

Loki asks what could possibly go wrong.

Emilio: You want the short list? Or...

Mobius says no, he's pretty sure Loki just wants to lure him out to the field so he can stab him in the back and run and he doesn't want to test the theory. Loki splutters that he doesn't STAB people in the back.

Chrissy: They're always facing me.

Mobius says he's studied every moment of Loki's life and he has LITERALLY done that about 50 times. Loki thinks for a moment and swears he could never do it again because it's a "boring form of betrayal" that "got old". Mobius just laughs. Loki says if he can't trust HIM he can at least trust that he loves being right. Right?

So we go right to Pompei in 79 AD. Because we are perpetually fascinated by Vesuvius. There's rumbling in the distance and Loki and Mobius are at the edge of a village that Loki excitedly notes is about to be wiped off the planet. Well...buried in ash, but whatever. Mobius thinks maybe he should dial that giddiness back just a little. Loki scoffs that they're all going to die anyway. Mobius sighs and takes out his temp pad, saying he'll watch for any variance energy and tells Loki to be careful because if he's wrong - "and there's a good chance you are" - they could create a giant branch.

Chrissy: Hey, just because things ALMOST ALWAYS turn to shit with my plans...

Loki thinks he's managing to make the end of the world sound boring. Mobius just hisses that they are NOT supposed to be there and for all they know ANYTHING could disrupt the future, so...start small. He suggests making bird noises. Loki makes a face at him and then just runs out into the middle of the village before Mobius can stop him.

He lets some goats out of their pen and - in Latin - informs everyone around that his name is Loki and he and his friend over there are with the Time Variance Authority and ALL OF YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE.

Emilio: Or you could do that.

He keeps going, saying that specifically, that volcano over there is going to erupt and kill them all and he knows because he is from the future. We see some of the villagers kind of rolling their eyes like 'great...a crazy person.' Loki switches to English to ask Mobius if they ARE actually from the future. The TVA exists in the future, right? The volcano erupts in the distance and he starts throwing things around while the villagers run, yelling that nothing matters. Mobius looks at his pad and notes in amazement that there is no variance energy at all. Loki says see? The TVA would never even know they were here. He does a little showman flourish while a cloud of ash barrels down on the town in the distance.

Back at the TVA, Mobius acknowledges that he was right. This is how the Variant is hiding from them. "You're welcome," Loki says smugly. Mobius says but in order for it to work, the disaster must be sudden and naturally occurring and leave no survivors. So they're going start by figuring out how many of those there are.

We cut to Mobius yawning as he looks at the contents of a folder at that desk he parked Loki at earlier. Loki has already fallen asleep on his pile of folders. Mobius nudges him awake and invites him to take a walk and Loki does without any questions.

Back in the cafeteria, Loki asks about that magazine on Mobius' desk. Why does he have it. Mobius just shrugs that jetskis are awesome. "Most things in history are kind of dumb and everything gets ruined eventually. But in the early 1990s, for a brief, shining moment, there was a beautiful union of form and function which we call the jet ski." Loki asks if he's ever been on one. He says no.

Chrissy: H-OW! Fuck!
Emilio: What just happened?
Chrissy: She kicked me!
Diandra: I knew she was going to say something about riding something even more fun and I figured I'd just head it off at the pass.

No, Mobius thinks a TVA agent riding a jet ski somewhere would create a branch. I mean...obviously not if you did it just before a tsunami hit or something, but okay. Loki asks why he reads about them. Mobius thinks it's to remind himself of what they are fighting for. Loki snorts that he really buys into all this. Mobius says it's not a question of believing or not: he accepts what is. Loki repeats his description of the TVA being created by three magic lizards along with all the people in it. "You see, every time I start to admire your intelligence, you say something like that." Mobius asks who created Loki.

Chrissy: Oh, is this like the fish thing? You need someone to explain the birds and the bees? Okay, well, there was this frost giant...

Mobius asks who raised him. Loki says Odin. Mobius says yeah, the god of the heavens raised you - a frost giant - in the magical realm of Asgard, somewhere beyond the stars. They argue a little about whether that is just as insane and Mobius insists that if anyone thinks too hard about where they came from "it sounds kind of ridiculous. Existence is chaos. Nothing makes any sense, so we try to make some sense of it." And he concludes that he considers himself lucky that the chaos he was born into gave him this GLORIOUS PURPOSE. Loki snorts like 'oh, thanks for THAT.'

Anyway, it's real because he believes it's real. Loki says okay, so he believes everything - the past, present and future - is written in stone and there's no such thing as free will. Which means in a way, the two of them are the only ones actually free, working for the TVA. Mobius is like 'oh, god, where is this argument going?' Loki asks how "it" all ends then. Mobius gives some flowery description about how they are the guardians of the past and the Time Keepers are the guardians of the future.

Emilio: But who is the guardian of forever?
Diandra: Captain Brass, apparently.
Chrissy: ..........I'm guessing that was a Star Trek thing again?
Emilio: Yes. But I'm not sure who Captain Brass is.
Diandra: Paul Guilfoyle's character on CSI.
Emilio: Okay, gotcha.
Chrissy: Wait, that reference required knowledge of two shows four decades apart?
Emilio: Sort of. He was in "Discovery", but it was a call back to the original series. So, yeah, I guess it did.
Chrissy: Okay, if you're going to keep doing this, you could at least recap the JJ Abrams movies.
Diandra: I'm going to be recapping the MCU for the next god knows how many years of my life and you want me to start another series?
Chrissy: Six hours of Chris Pine.
Diandra: ...............I'll think about it.

Loki asks what happens when the Time Keepers finish working out what the future should be. Mobius says the job is done then. No more nexus events. "Just order and we meet in peace at the end of time." Loki cocks his head like 'are you serious?' and says that sounds boring. Mobius is like 'yeah, it would to the god of Chaos'. Loki wants to go back to that assessment Mobius made of him as a "scared little boy". He's wrong because "I know something children don't."

Chrissy: And I can show you if you're interested since you CLEARLY don't know abooooOOOOW!
Emilio: You weren't expecting that one?
Diandra: Yeah, I should have. Sorry.
Chrissy: You know, if you think you can train me to stop, you must not know me as well as you think you do.

Loki says he knows that nobody is ever truly bad or good. Mobius stares and repeats "scared little boy" and Loki says yes, it was very patronizing. Thanks. Mobius has obviously connected some dots somewhere though and he jumps up, declaring that Loki is very clever and walking away.

Loki follows him back into the library stacks while he explains that the variant left something behind at one of the crime scenes. Since it was anachronistic, he gave it to analysis, but they couldn't find a problem with it. He pulls out the pack of gum he got from the little girl in France. Loki asks what it is. Mobius says it's candy. Don't they have that on Asgard? Apparently no because all he can think of is grapes and nuts. "No wonder you're so bitter," Mobius mutters. He goes to look up the brand name, saying it was only sold in one part of Earth from 2047 to 2051. And a gauge of how popular this show is will be whether somebody actually tries to make that a thing. Like whatever lunatic decided to name a brand of meal supplements Soylent. He thinks they can look for any apocalyptic events that happen in that time frame and make it a competition to see who can find the connection first.

They start going through files. Loki immediately rules out "the climate disaster of 2048" and the tsunami in 2051. He asks if the extinction of a swallow qualifies. Mobius shrugs that it totally messed up the ecosystem, so... Loki says Krakatoa erupts again in 2049. Mobius is grumbling about all the damn disasters one after another when Loki announces he has it. He shows Mobius an apocalypse report on Alabama in 2050. Mobius somewhat fondly says Loki is going to take his job if he's not careful.

And then Mobius is in Ravonna's office asking for a team to be deployed to the spot they think the variant is hiding. She is skeptical that they have the right place. He exposits that that is Haven Hills, Alabama, a corporate town which is owned by Roxxcart right up until it is destroyed by a hurricane. The variant can use it as a base because he can get all the food and supplies he needs. Ravonna says this is based on a theory from a variant who has already messed up their missions. "Yeah, he's doing great," Mobius grins. Ravonna says she's saying this as Mobius' friend: he really CANNOT trust this guy. Mobius thinks he might prove worth the trouble. After all, he did uncover a hole in their security.

Chrissy: Yeah, that's one way to spin it.

He insists he can handle Loki.

Chrissy: Oh, you think so, do you? Wanna hear about what happened to the last person who thought that?
Diandra: He put you in a repeating portal so you'd fall for thirty minutes straight?
Chrissy: That was before.
Diandra: He sent you to Norway before you got anywhere near stabbing him and you did a face plant in the grass?
Chrissy: Okay, now I want this series to find a reason to have Doctor Strange and Loki face off again because obviously this would be fun.
Diandra: Yeah, did I ever mention the interview where Tom answered a series of "would you rather" questions surrounding who he would team up with and he kept picking Doctor Strange? And then possibly forgot that they were talking about teaming up with him and not fighting him when he teased "two sorcerers. Going at it."
Chrissy: [loud snort] And they wonder why we keep shipping them?

I mean, was this gesture really necessary, Tom?

AT ANY RATE, he's got a gut feeling that Loki is right and they're going to get the variant this time. "Come on, you don't see me usually this worked up, right?"

Chrissy: Is that a critique of my performance?

She smirks and agrees, but says she can't do anything if this doesn't work out. Isn't that what you said last time? "For all time," he recites and she reflexively finishes "always."

Mobius and Loki go back to the room where they prep missions. Mobius hands Loki a couple daggers and B-15 immediately swoops in and snatches them away like ARE YOU CRAZY?! Then we cut to her expositing that Roxxcart is a superstore, a place that was very common in that era. There's a bunch of sprawling wings and a warehouse and probably a water park. The warehouse is being used by people trying to ride out the class ten apocalypse.

Emilio: So...worse than Ragnarok?
Diandra: How could it be worse than a whole planet destroyed and all civilization annihilated?
Chrissy: Yeah...maybe the numbers go the other way around?
Diandra: So there are six degrees worse than Ragnarok?
Chrissy: Yeah, probably not.

She reminds them that the variant could be anywhere and is presumably armed and dangerous. Also, he's been stealing their reset charges, so he must be planning something. Keep an eye out for them. "And if you see a Loki, prune it." Loki is like 'uh...unless it's me. Hi.' The two agents nearest him look vaguely uncomfortable.

So we go to Haven Hills, Alabama, so identified by the town sign that is destroyed by a power line going down. The massive shopping complex is very close to the coast that is encroaching. Everyone walks through the torrential downpour into the building, at which point Loki twitches and a wave of magic dries him off. B-15 asks what the hell that was. Loki says excuse me, I figured it would be a bad idea to announce my presence with squeaky, sloshing footsteps like the rest of you will be. Thunder cracks and the lights flicker. B-15 orders everybody to sweep the shelter. Mobius says he and Loki will go to the greenhouse. B-15 says no, he goes with D-90. Loki is staying with her so she can keep an eye on him and presumably prune him the minute he does anything suspicious. She says Mobius shouldn't have a problem with that if he's not a threat. "Of course he's a threat," Mobius yips. Loki is like 'uh...you're not helping here.' B-15 invites him to go back to the TVA and "litigate with Renslayer". Loki says it's fine, really. He understands he has to earn their trust and he is determined to. He looks Mobius dead in the eye and Mobius asks why the people you can trust the least are always saying shit like that.

We zoom out through the security footage of them all going separate ways and find the Variant setting some sort of device in the security office that is counting down from twenty minutes.

And then Loki and B-15 are walking through a greenhouse silently until he snarks that he's glad they're getting to spend some time together because he feels like they got off on the wrong...she tells him to shut it and trains her prune stick on a guy just casually looking at plants in the next aisle. Loki is like 'uh...have you happened to notice the Armageddon grade storm outside?' The guy shrugs that azaleas are half off during a hurricane sale.

Chrissy: Yeah, welcome to America. We make no sense.

B-15 asks Loki if that could be another him. Loki whispers that it's possible, but he wouldn't dress like that. She approaches cautiously and the guy grabs her arm when she's close enough, transferring a green energy burst to her and collapsing. Loki frowns at the guy and asks if he's dead. B-15, in a completely different tone, sighs that they "usually survive". She turns to him and notes that he's the guy the TVA brought to hunt her down. Light finally dawns and he greets her as "me, I presume." She snorts that HE is obviously HER and grins. He smiles back sarcastically.

Mobius arrives at the shelter where a bunch of people are packed. A guy asks if they are with FEMA or the National Guard and do they have a way to transport people out of here? Mobius says they don't. Another agent just shoves the guy aside and starts searching people's stuff for the reset charges or whatever evidence one of them is the variant. Mobius chastises him because these people are scared and this isn't helping at all. Another minutemen pulls them into another room where C-20 is sitting on the floor, chanting "it's real" like she's in shock.

Back with the Lokis. Loki notes that other Loki is using an enchantment spell, which is "a bit amateurish" and cowardly. She says yeah, says the coward working for the TVA. He says he's working for himself. She laughs and asks if he really believes that. See, cause she thought they had found a SMARTER version of her. An employee wanders over to ask if maybe they got lost on their way to the disaster shelter. She says no and touches his arm, transferring the energy and dropping to the floor. Loki goes to check on her and the new host asks if he's going to call his little TVA friends now. Loki clenches his jaw and asks if the real variant is too afraid to meet him with his real face. "You know, gaining their confidence was no mean feat." He says he has an offer for the variant: help him overthrow the time keepers. He calls him Loki and the variant puppet grimaces and says don't call him that. He looks down at the name tag and says he can call him Randy.

Chrissy: Yeah, I find that line usually works for me too.
Diandra: Sigh.

Loki grumbles about Thor being right that this IS really annoying. He says he's trying to help him and he "kept them vulnerable at the Renaissance Festival for some time". Randy mocks that that was SO nice of him. "But after eight to ten seconds of consideration, the answer is no." He walks away and Loki chases him, not seeing a hand setting a reset charge nearby.

Back in the shelter area, Mobius finally gets C-20s attention and she stops chanting "it's real" and says she wants to go home. Mobius tells the agents to call the TVA and have them ready the infirmary. She yelps that she "gave it away. The time keepers. Where they are." An agent calls for B-15, who is just waking up on the floor. She looks around, confused and possibly scared.

Loki asks what RandyLoki wants anyway. Randy says it doesn't matter because he's too late. Loki says no, see, because he found the hiding place so he must be the smarter, superior Loki. He notices another reset charge on a shelf and laughs that this is the plan. To lure them all here so he can blow them all up. While he's distracted looking at that, Randy disappears. And then a trucker cliche kicks him in the chest. This new variant doesn't want to talk. He just wants to kick the crap out of Loki. Loki mutters that he misses Randy already. NewVariant says Loki really does love the sound of his own voice, doesn't he? Loki ducks a punch, which goes into a television on display. Then uses his magic to call what looks like a roomba to him and use it as a sort of shield. NewVariant relieves him of it, so he grabs a vacuum instead.

Chrissy: This is probably the craziest fight of this whole series to date. Just pick up random appliances and try to kill each other with them. Go.
Diandra: This is probably one of those "should the FBI get involved" things you find in a writer's search history. How can I kill someone with a household cleaning product? It's okay, I'm a writer.

NewVariant gets the vacuum tube wrapped around his neck. Loki chokes that if he had any honor the variant would show his true face. NewVariant throws him into a display and one of those little robot dogs drives into his face and barks plaintively.

In the store/greenhouse wing, B-15 finds Mobius. She is still dazed and says she doesn't know what happened, but she lost Loki. The other minuteman sneers that Mobius' favorite Loki just betrayed him. LIKE THEY ALL KNEW HE WOULD.

TruckerVariant is setting another reset charge while Loki peels himself off the floor.

Chrissy: I'm getting too old for this shit.
Diandra: [slow clap]

He stares at the variant for a moment, sighs and starts charging toward him, yelling "what do you want from me? What is this about?" The Variant laughs and tells him to brace himself before the green mind control or whatever light in his eyes flashes and leaves and he falls down, unconscious. And then Loki's last couple shouted lines echo around the room. He spins around as the cloaked figure from all the crime scenes approaches and takes down the hood to reveal Sophia Di Martino in something like the leather costume Loki wore several movies back, complete with a horned headband that has one horn broken. "This isn't about you," she sneers.

The timer ticks down to zero and all the lights in the facility go out. A bunch of machinery glows and all the reset charges fall through portals.

Back at the TVA, everyone goes into panic mode as the monitor shows branches coming off the Sacred Timeline all over the place. An analyst frantically calls somebody and babbles that there's a code 000. The guy next to him grabs the phone and adds that "somebody just bombed the Sacred Timeline."

Ravonna stares at her monitor showing events happening everywhere everywhen while alarms go off in the facility like '............fuck'. She grabs her prune stick and stalks off.

Agents scramble to respond.

Back at Roxxcart, some red lights come on. Lady Loki picks up the pad attached to that last charge her puppet was setting and opens a portal. She waves at Loki before she walks through it like 'have fun dealing with the fallout, sucker!' Mobius rounds the corner with a couple minutemen brandishing prune sticks, yelling "no" and "wait". Loki runs through the portal and it closes.

Smash to credits, accompanied by some really ominous music.

Emilio: So, obviously Loki and Mobius had very different impressions of what just happened.
Diandra: Yeah. Nobody but Loki saw the Variant and her puppets doing all of that and he lies. So why would anyone believe he didn't have anything to do with any of that?
Chrissy: And I remember something we said in a previous recap about everyone on Asgard assuming that when shit goes wrong, SOMEHOW it is always Loki's fault.
Diandra: Yeah, there was a line in Neil Gaiman's book about Norse Mythology that went something along the lines of 'Thor didn't know what had happened, exactly, but he knew one thing: Loki had something to do with it.' That's the other thing about trickster gods: that knee jerk instinct is validated more often than not.
Chrissy: So before we go into the next episode...somebody is going to have to play Sylvie so I don't sound like a crazy person talking to - and hitting on - myself for the next four hours.
Diandra: I don't see why that would be a problem. Do you remember "Sherlock"?
Chrissy: That was mostly you.
Emilio: I can do it.
Chrissy: You're on. Let's do it.

Episode 3: Lamentis

The usual Marvel fanfare is bizarrely replaced by a hip hop song this episode. This turns out to be playing in a restaurant somewhere. C-20 in her pre-TVA state is reading the menu. Across the table, Lady Loki suggests they maybe eat somewhere else. C-20 asks why she hates this place so much. Lady Loki is like 'no, it's fine. I'm sure a lot of restaurants get repeatedly shut down by the health department.' C-20 takes a sip of her drink and winces at the brain freeze. Lady Loki rambles about brain freeze being a literal freezing of the synapses and offers to test that theory by asking a question that C-20 won't be able to answer until her synapses have unfrozen. "How many people are guarding the Time Keepers?" C-20 is like 'the what now?' She blinks and the entire restaurant surroundings change. Lady Loki gets her attention and asks how long they've been friends. C-20 agrees it's been a long time. Lady Loki says she can tell her anything, so "why won't you tell me how many people are guarding the time keepers?" C-20 starts to answer, then gets distracted looking around the restaurant. She realizes she remembers this place, but doesn't know who this woman is, actually. Lady Loki says she's just tired.

Somewhere, C-20 is in some sort of dreamlike state with Lady Loki touching her temple, mumbling that yeah, she must just be tired. Lady Loki asks how she finds the elevators. C-20 mumbles that they are "gold" and Lady Loki lets her go before looking at the monitors and seeing Mobius and Loki et al arriving outside because it turns out they're at Roxxcart.

And now we're back to just after she walked through the portal. It turns out it went to the TVA. She emerges just after a bunch of minutemen depart to respond to the emergency she created and swaggers off. She tries to use that green energy thing on the first minuteman she encounters, but since powers don't work at the TVA she has to knock him out the hard way instead. She takes out three more, using a prune stick on two agents.

Back at the door, Loki comes running through and hesitates before running after his female counterpart, looking at the locker B-15 put those knives she wouldn't let him have in. And then he's creeping down the hallway with the knives in hand. He finds her at a door just after she dispatches a couple more agents and does the little knife flip trick Tom did just for shits and giggles in "Ragnarok" that made it into the trailer despite not being in the actual movie. "A few questions," he says. Starting with is she really a Loki? She walks past him for...some reason...and then declares he's in her way. They lunge at each other a couple times. He suggests that maybe, possibly, they could work together. She kicks him in the chest and he drops both knives. He adds that that is obviously a bad idea as she lacks "vision". She rolls her eyes and turns to walk away. He grabs her by the back of her cloak and she lunges for him. He twists her arm behind her and says she can come willingly or not, but this is how he plans to get to the time keepers. She flips him and they roll back upright just as Renslayer comes around the corner, flanked by two minutemen and wielding a prune stick. Lady Loki holds her dagger to Loki's throat and threatens to kill him if they come any closer. Renslayer is like '........and you think that's an effective threat because?' Loki grabs the temp pad off her belt and opens a portal beneath them before Renslayer can reach them.

Lady Loki scrambles to recover the temp pad that has been dropped. Loki grapples with her a bit and she smashes his face into the nearest surface. She tries to use the pad, but it has a little logo of Miss Minutes cheerfully announcing that the battery is too low. She takes a swing at Loki, but he teleports himself behind her and throws her into a wall. Because hey, powers are working again. He picks up the pad and she snaps at him to give it back because he doesn't even know how to charge it. He's like 'oh, because you're the only Loki who can use tech?' She snaps at him not to call her Loki. She tries to take the pad, but he makes it disappear into a pocket dimension or something. She sneers that he's just a magician then. He offers to make her disappear and pulls out the knives again. A meteor crashes through the ceiling of whatever room they're in and he asks if that's one of her powers then. She asks where he sent them with the temp pad.

We get an outside shot of a desolate landscape with meteors crashing all around that the chyron identifies as Lamentis 1 in 2077. We pan up to see what looks like a moon of some sort cracking apart and WAY too close. They scramble out of some sort of tent structure and she yells that he is a MORON because that planet is about to crash into this moon in the WORST apocalypse she's seen. They dodge falling rocks as he snarks that he didn't have time to "consult the brochure" before opening the portal.

They hide under a large earth mover type vehicle and he notes that she stopped trying to kill him. She's like 'yeah, you still have the thing that might get me out of here, so.' They run to a little building that still has lights on it. While he's gasping for breath, she reaches to touch the back of his neck with both hands. There's a pause while she stares at him expectantly. He asks what she's doing. Trying to enchant him or something?

Emilio: Not if it isn't working, no.

He thinks that won't work because his mind is too strong.

Emilio: [snort] Doubtful.
Chrissy: Hey!
Diandra: Oh, yeah. This is going to be fun.

She pulls out the dagger again and he pulls out his daggers and asks if they really want to do this again. He suggests they call a truce since they aren't getting off this moon until they can get the temp pad working.

Chrissy: We can stab each other later all you want.
Diandra: [cough cough] Yeah. Thank you, Freud.

He thinks he might be able to get somewhere if he doesn't have to worry about her trying to stab him "every thirty seconds". She says he needs her to recharge it and he knows it or he would have left her to the meteors out there. He's like 'fine. Let's just "slaughter each other" then.'

Emilio: Is that a euphemism?
Chrissy: If it was, I would have said we should stab each other.

She says the plan he so casually interrupted back there took YEARS of planning and she intends to go back to the TVA and finish it as soon as they get that pad working. Then she'll kill him. He snorts not if he kills her first.

Emilio: I have a clear advantage and my knife is bigger.
Chrissy: It's not the size that counts, remember? It's how you use it.

She heads toward the door to find some sort of power source.

Emilio: Maybe a rift.

Outside, he's running after her again, asking what the plan is, exactly. She says there's a town nearby and also shut up because his voice is really annoying. He calls her "Variant" this time and she snots at him not to call her that either. He mutters that he's certainly not "calling some faded photocopy of me Loki." She says that's fine because her name is SYLVIE now. He doesn't think that sounds very "Loki-like". She asks what makes a Loki a Loki exactly. Because yes, even though the world is literally falling apart around them they WILL continue these philosophical discussions. "Independence. Authority. Style," he suggests. She thinks it's funny he decided to work for the "oppressive time police" then. He says he's not. He's...consulting.

He notes that her years-long plan involved just tearing down the TVA, creating a power vacuum, "and then just walk away", which frankly sounds stupid and like something he would never do. She reminds him that she ISN'T actually him.

They reach the town where everything is abandoned and partly destroyed and the signs are in some alien language. The set design on this show is really something. Loki notes that everyone fled. Sylvie shrugs that it won't save them because NOBODY survives this apocalypse. Loki asks how much time they have. She says twelve hours, but it's going to get increasingly bad during that time. Not just the physical destruction, but the total collapse of society as everyone realizes they're going to die. She runs up to a neon light to "check the coupling" and holds out her hand for the temp pad. He laughs and says she has to try harder than that because he isn't an idiot. She's like 'yeah, the temp pad requires a lot more power than that, but YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, DID YOU?'

They go to another small building in the middle of nowhere and he drops this chestnut: "brute force is no substitute for diplomacy and guile." She says yeah, sure and kicks the door open. A blast of energy hits her in the chest and knocks her back. From his safe distance, Loki smart asses that it's amazing she made it this far. He calls to the woman inside the door that they mean no harm. He peaks in the window and sees a photo of the woman with a man and transforms himself to look like the man before stepping into the doorway. She hesitates until he starts sniffling that she's as beautiful as he remembered. Then she blasts him too. He lands next to Sylvie, which she thinks is hilarious. The lady calls that in case he was wondering what the giveaway was, that guy never said anything that sweet in 30 years. Sylvie asks if that was diplomacy or guile then and he tells her to shut it.

The lady comes out with whatever energy canon she's been blasting still aimed in their direction and asks what they want with her. Sylvie says they just want to know where everyone went. She says the Ark. Because that's what we name all spacecraft fleeing the destruction of a planet, apparently. Sylvie thinks THAT would have the power they need to run the temp pad. Loki asks how they get to it. The lady gives directions but says it's useless because they won't get a ticket.

A long line of people are waiting for a train, corralled by armed guards. A lady exposits to one that they've been waiting for hours. Loki and Sylvie arrive and he grumbles that there's no way they're going to be able to fight their way on the train. She asks who said anything about fighting their way on.

Chrissy: I don't know. Captain America, I think.
Diandra: .................
Chrissy: Oh, come on. Somebody had to make the reference to "Snowpiercer".

No, he just assumed because all her plans involve fighting. She says this one involves enchanting a guard and getting him to lead them right in. She acknowledges that the guard could fight them on that, which he points out could lead to having to shoot a LOT of people and hijack a train. He says he has a better idea and magics himself into a guard uniform. She says no, that's a shit plan. He's like 'whatever, you're just jealous' and shoves her toward the front of the line.

The parallel to "Snowpiercer" is here when they march past the guards right toward the train while a lady in the line screams about how only the wealthy are getting on. Sylvie ends up having to enchant a guard anyway because they don't have tickets and he starts protesting letting them through before suddenly "remembering" that there was a request radioed in this morning and they're cleared.

Emilio: What is the point of having enchantment powers if you're just going to try to lie your way through in a ridiculous voice like an idiot?
Diandra: He's not as smart as he thinks he is. Probably why his plans tend to fail.
Chrissy: Oh [blows a raspberry]

They go into some sort of fancy dining car on the train and Sylvie sits in a booth. Loki flusters and says he can't sit in a seat facing backward on a train. She says well, she doesn't sit with her back to the door, so suck it up. He's confused by this because there are doors in both directions. And there are no windows to see out so who cares what direction you're going? He sits and she says that was still a shitty plan. It wasn't even a plan because those have multiple thought-out steps. She yawns and he suggests she get some rest. She glares and suggests he go first. Point taken. She admits that she needs him to get to the temp pad because "someone taught you fairly decent magic." He says that would have been his mother. Sylvie pauses for a moment and asks what she was like. Loki thinks about it for a while and says she was the Queen of Asgard and a genuinely good person. "Are you sure she was your mother," Sylvie snorts. Loki says no, actually, he was adopted. She says yeah, she was too. And apparently she was told long ago and didn't have it dropped on her very recently, which makes him splutter a little. He asks what her mother was like. She doesn't remember much, so we go right back to him and a story about how Frigga would entertain him with little tricks when he was little. She told him one day he would be able to do them too. "Because I could do anything." He makes a little firework display in his palm and sniffs that she was the sort of person you wanted to believe in you.

He asks who taught her that enchantment trick. She says she taught herself. He asks how it works: is she projecting an illusion directly in people's minds?

Chrissy: Wasn't he able to do it at one point?
Diandra: He was able to read Valkyrie's memories in "Ragnarok" and I think I noted at the time that it was something that came out of nowhere because it was needed for plot convenience.

She says it would be easier if she showed him and he says yeah, enchant him and steal the pad and jump off the train. Sure. He's not THAT stupid.

Emilio: Why would I jump off the train that's going where I need to go to get the pad working?
Diandra: Shh. You're thinking too much.

A waitress brings a couple glasses of champagne over and Loki takes both of them since Sylvie refuses. He clinks them together, toasts "the end of the world" and sucks down a whole one in one swallow. Then he decides to reflect on the fact that that woman back there chose to die instead of at least trying to get on the ark. Sylvie thinks she was in love. He reminds her she talked like she hated that guy "Maybe love is hate," Sylvie suggests.

Chrissy: And the opposite is indifference.
Diandra: Yeah, actually, there IS a reason that is the saying. It's really easy for love to turn to hate, but if you're indifferent you can't really care enough to go either way.

Loki conjures a pad of paper and a ridiculously large quill so he can write that down and she's like 'oh, fuck your snarky ass.' He sends them back wherever they came from and asks if she has a boyfriend waiting for her when this is all over. She says yeah, actually because she "managed to maintain quite a serious long-distance relationship with a postman." But she only kept it up to "keep me going". She asks if he has a "would be princess" or maybe another prince somewhere. He's like 'yeah, you're probably bi too, right?'

Chrissy: Ever try both at the same time? Or more than one of each?
Diandra: Settle down.
Chrissy: What was that term you used to describe Loki several recaps ago? Something about a bicycle.
Diandra: The fandom communal bicycle.
Chrissy: Yeah, aka the Jack Harkness.
Emilio: So will screw or be screwed by anyone?
Diandra: Sort of, but there may be a difference in nuance. The fandom communal bicycle mostly applies to fanfiction and headcanons, I think. Everyone has had a ride because the character ships with EVERYBODY. Whereas Jack Harkness being a slut is just cannon.

[ETA: this last conversation/recap was done before episode four of "What If..."]

Anyway. He says he's never had anything serious. She suggests love is mischief instead of hate and he says he probably needs another drink if they're going to continue this discussion. While he's sucking down the second glass, she notes that they are about to hijack the power source that is the last hope of this entire civilization. She suggests they should get some rest.

We get a few establishing shots of the train going through apocalyptic landscape with what looks like a chunk of a mountain crashing into the ground in the distance.

Emilio: Huh. No tunnels anywhere.
Diandra: We're not there yet.

Back on the train, Sylvie is asleep on the table and Loki is singing in what the subtitles identify as "Asgardian". Sylvie wakes up and blinks at him engaging the whole bar in this folk tune wearing his TVA jacket and suit again. He finishes the song, drinks whatever is currently in his hand and smashes it on the floor yelling "another" in a call back to the first "Thor". Which I read somewhere the director noting in an anecdote that went something like "Tom is a walking encyclopedia of all things Loki at this point, so when he said he wanted to do something that would be in character I trusted that he knew what he was talking about."

Sylvie marches over to him and snaps that he is drunk. And because Asgardian is just...Norwegian, he makes a language joke that he's just "full". Very....very..."full". Because apparently this is a polite way of saying drunk in Norwegian or something. He tries to hand her some sort of hors d'ouevre and she asks why he changed out of the uniform because they're SUPPOSED to be undercover here. He doesn't think anyone gives a shit anymore because they're fully in the 'nothing matters, the world is ending' part of the timeline. She says yeah, well, she saw a guy looking at him kind of weirdly while he was singing.

Chrissy: Did you get his number? Was he good looking?

In what possibly started as a blooper that they just powered through, Loki drops the plate with a loud crash and stares at it for a second like 'huh' before asking when she became so paranoid. She says when she "spent my entire life running from the omniscient fascists you work for." He is distracted by the thing he just dropped on the floor, which he mutters is a shame to waste before changing the subject back to that conversation they were having earlier. He's decided that love is a dagger. "It's a weapon to be wielded far away or up close. You can see yourself in it. It's beautiful. Until it makes you bleed." He pulls a dagger out of thin air to wave around in demonstration and finishes pointing the handle toward her. "But ultimately, when you reach for it..." she reaches for the handle and he makes it disappear. "It isn't real," she concludes. So to summarize: "love is an imaginary dagger." He frowns as he realizes that it doesn't actually make any sense.

Chrissy: Yeah, generally anything you come up with while "full" up to your eyeballs is nonsense.
Diandra: Learn that one the hard way?

Chrissy: I plead the fifth.

The guy who was eyeing Loki earlier comes back into the car with a couple guards in tow, pointing him out to them. The same guard they managed to get past earlier asks to see his tickets and he tries to conjure some, but just ends up creating a firework display on his palm again because I guess this is what it looks like when a magic user gets drunk.

Chrissy: Okay, now I want a fic with Stephen and Loki performing magic drunk.
Emilio: Even better: Wong.
Diandra: No, Wong would need to be sober so he could keep them from, like, breaking the universe and why am I letting you two run away with plot bunnies again?
Emilio: Hasn't Doctor Strange broken the universe, like, twice in the past year?
Diandra: Both times after Wong told him not to do something stupid and then just...walked away. You're kind of proving my point there.

The guard starts manhandling him while he babbles that he can EXPLAIN. And then another guard puts a hand on his chest and that apparently sends him over the edge and he starts fighting them both off. On the other side of the room, Sylvie starts fighting a couple more guards, taking off her horns to use as a weapon. Which explains the broken side.

One of Sylvie's guards gets her in a chokehold and Loki produces a dagger again and tries to throw it at the guard. Which is an excellent trick to attempt while DRUNK.

Chrissy: Oh, whatever. I know what I'm doing.

It embeds in the wall, like, two feet on the OTHER side of her head and she glares at him like 'DON'T TRY TO HELP ME ANYMORE.' One of his guards gets up again and he kicks him right out the window of the train. He laughs and waves right up until a couple more guards pick him up and throw him out right after. Sylvie is like 'oh, well. I didn't like him very much anywa....fuck, he still has the temp pad.' She grabs a cutlass and jumps over the guards and out the window.

He apparently ditches the Variant jacket immediately and joins her as she's picking herself up. "Well, that's not ideal," he says, pointing at the train disappearing in the distance. She waves the cutlass at him and demands the temp pad now. He pulls his hand from the general direction of a pocket and the pad appears on his palm. It sparks and emits a puff of smoke. "Well, I did take quite a tumble," he says. She snarls that he just got them killed. He thinks maybe they can fix it, but the second he tries to manipulate it in any way it falls apart and all the pieces tumble to the ground. She rants at him for being a joke of a being who fucked up the mission by getting drunk. He snorts that she really thought any "mission" was going to beat "them" anyway. She stomps away from him, screaming and sending a blast of green energy in all directions. She sits on a rock ledge and pouts. He slowly creeps close like 'okay, did you get that out of your system then?' He asks what they should do now. She's out of ideas since the temp pad is broken and the rock they're on is doomed. He says the whole moon is being destroyed, right? And she said everyone dies, including them now, which...what happened to the ark that train is headed for? She says it's destroyed before it gets off the ground. He notes that the ark never had them on it. She immediately follows his logic and asks if his plan is to hijack the ark and make SURE it launches then. He shrugs like '........yes?' She stares at him for a moment, then says "okay" and starts walking along the train tracks. He stumbles after her belatedly like 'I didn't think it would be that easy. You must be desperate.'

As they are walking, he whines about the amount of walking he's had to do today. Then he notes that he's told her a lot about himself, but she hasn't returned the favor. She smirks and thanks him for that "tactical advantage". He asks if she intends to use that advantage to kill him once the TVA shows up.

Emilio: Well, I don't need you anymore, so it's really a miracle I haven't killed you already.

She smirks and asks if he's worried. He just doesn't know if he can trust her.

Emilio: She's a Loki.
Diandra: Yeah, didn't we already have this conversation with Mobius?

She circles back to his questions about how her enchantment power works to give him something. She needs to touch the person she's enchanting and then she can take over their mind. For most, it's easy, but some are a little more resistant. She can take control, but they are still in there right beside her, so she has to "create a fantasy from their memories" in order to keep the connection from breaking. She says the soldier from the TVA - C20 - was "messed up" and everything in her mind was clouded so she had to pull a hundreds years old memory before she worked for the TVA. Loki stops walking, frowning, and asks her to repeat that last part. "Before she joined the TVA?" Sylvie says uh...yeah...back when she was a normal Earthling. Loki says but according to the TVA, everyone who works for them was created by the time-keepers and had no previous existence. She snorts and says no, they're all Variants.

Chrissy: I think there was discussion about this in the fandom at one point, but...obviously Mobius is a made up name. Who is he a variant of? Just some random guy on Earth, or...
Diandra: Ralph Boner. No, sorry. I saw a theory somewhere that he's a variant of Thor, but I'm not sure that makes sense.
Emilio: She just said hundreds of years but that scene earlier looked like the present. Assuming they don't age in the TVA because time works differently and knowing how they work...he could be from any time.
Diandra: Right, but given that speech he made earlier, he's probably from Earth in the later decades of the 20th century.
Chrissy: So not Thor. And probably not anybody else we already know either. Unless he's the Iron Man variant everyone thinks Tom Cruise should play.
Diandra: Probably not, but I would welcome that plot twist if only because it would make the fanboys insisting it MUST BE Tom Cruise mad.

They are close enough to the city and the waiting ark that they can hear the announcement of ten minutes to launch now. They walk faster and arrive at this neon lit town square sort of area as the final boarding call is announced. Sylvie asks if they can trust each other. Loki thinks so. She says "good. Because this is going to suck." A voice announces that they've reached capacity and everyone else has to return to their homes now. Loki notes the number of people who are being condemned to death and are just realizing this. Sylvie grabs his hand and leads him around the crowd into a shot that Sophia noted only "looks like" a continuous take through a set that looked ridiculous and fake in daylight. People are running around, rioting and breaking things and setting fires. Overhead, the planet starts really breaking apart and sending meteors crashing into the city. Loki and Sylvie run and are thrown backward by an impact. Everything goes dark for a second and Loki scrambles back upright, dragging Sylvie into the nearest building, which is a bar. A couple people dressed like the guards from the train station descend on them and they fight them off and run back out onto the street.

One of the side streets is blocked by an entire building collapsing. They wind through a couple more streets, dodging falling chunks of everything. Loki stops to magic one of the towers back upright before it falls on their heads. As they wind closer to the ark, more guards try to intercept and they fight through them. And then everybody looks up as the ark explodes and crumbles. Some of the natives collapse in despair and the rest just stare in shock. Sylvie walks away dejectedly, leaving Loki staring at the burning remains of everyone's last hope like '...........fuck' and a sad country song plays us into the credits.

Chrissy: And that was probably when the ratings for this show started to go up because that rivaled almost anything else in the MCU up to that point.
Diandra: Yeah. The reason I mentioned that part about it looking ridiculous and fake in daylight is because you can't tell by the finished product. It is bigger and more spectacular looking than anything that was never meant for a theater screen has any business being. I'm sure there are still guys who hated it because it's Loki and it appeals too much to women, but hopefully by this point it was obvious those were the minority voices and they don't deserve coddling.
Chrissy: That rant make you feel better?
Diandra: A bit. It probably won't be the last.
Chrissy: I'm sure.