What If... season 2, part 1

"What If..." Season 2, Episodes 2-5

Unlike last season, where every episode connected into an overarching story and therefore I had to at least do a quick runthrough of even the most annoying ones, this season has mostly stand alone plots. And the first one especially doesn't connect to anything else, so I'm just gonna skip it entirely. It's basically a film noir with Nebula investigating Yondu's murder.

Chrissy: You just don't want to do it because Howard the Duck plays a big part of it.
Diandra: I mean...would you blame me if that were the only reason?

So let's start with...

Episode 2: What if...Peter Quill Attacked Earth's Mightiest Heroes? (AKA, What If The Avengers Formed in the 80s?)

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Michael Douglas, Haley Atwell, John Slattery, Kurt Russell, Chris Hemsworth, Laurence Fishburne, Sebastian Stan, Atandwa Kani, Madeleine McGraw (as a young Evangeline Lilly), Mace Montgomery Miskel (as a young Chris Pratt), Keri Tombazian (impersonating Annette Benning), Gene Farber

Something hurtles into Earth's atmosphere where jets are already scrambling under orders to take it out if it threatens US air space. One of them lands some missile hits and the thing spirals right for New York. The chyron finally tells us this is 1988 as it smashes into the street and skids to a halt in front of Grand Central. Cops respond immediately, surrounding what we now see is some sort of pod ship. A teenage version of Peter Quill emerges, his eyes already glowing like this is the version Yondu DID bring to Ego like he was supposed to. The cops hesitate and The Watcher appears so he can catch us up on exposition.

By flashing back six months earlier when the Ravagers were sent to collect Peter. Except in this universe, Yondu didn't have a crisis of conscience and actually delivered Peter to Ego, who had a plan to remake the universe he called "The Expansion".

Back to the present, Peggy explains to Project Pegasus that they've tracked him "across dozens of nearby solar systems", which he destroyed with cosmic radiation apparently because he has "an entire nuclear arsenal coursing through his veins". Howard Stark bemoans that they don't have any one person who can match that kind of fire power. Peggy is like 'why would we send one person when we can form a team?' Howard is like 'yeah, that would work great if we weren't in the middle of a Cold War.' "All that We Are the World garbage doesn't really play outside of MTV." Peggy thinks they're going to have to try because he's already basically neutralized Manhattan so at the rate he's going he'll reduce the whole planet to nothing in a day.

San Francisco. Hank Pym plops a bowl in front of little Hope, who notes that there are no vegetables in that dinner. Which she apparently is old enough to actually want. He says potato chips count as vegetables. She gives him the stink eye and walks away from the table. So obviously this is after mom was lost to the Quantum Realm.

Chrissy: Couldn't even get somebody to do an impression of Michelle Pfeiffer, huh?
Diandra: That is one possibility.

The phone rings. "Hank, please don't hang up" Howard's voice says, which prompts him to hang up immediately.

Chrissy: That's fair.
Diandra: Yeah, I always respond to calls that start "don't hang up" that way.

The phone rings again and this time Hank snaps at him that he's a bit slow for an alleged genius. Howard says he doesn't have to talk to him, just...turn on the TV. Hope already has the TV on and is calling him to come see the destruction on the news. Hank growls at Howard to send the plane and asks Hope if she wants to go to work with Daddy.

Cut to them arriving at PegasusSHIELD, where Hank admits that he doesn't actually work here ANYMORE just before a de-aged Bill Foster greets him with a joke about things being REALLY bad if they're calling THEM. Also, he asks if he was too cheap to pay for a sitter or something. Hank growls that thanks to THIS PLACE he doesn't have anyone he can leave Hope with. Peggy wanders over to tell them to stop fighting. Hope asks who the guy in "the armor" is. This turns out to be T'Chaka, and the guy voicing him actually did play the younger version of T'Chaka in the 90s flashbacks. Peggy does the introductions with the caveat that Wakanda usually doesn't get involved in international affairs, but... "Aliens," Hope asks. "Yes, aliens," Peggy confirms like this explains everything. Howard arrives to introduce himself to T'Chaka, noting that his father was a great ally during WWII. T'Chaka says he donated some Vibranium to the cause. Howard exposits that they made a shield out of it and...uh...lost in somewhere in the Arctic. Along with the guy who was using it.

Hank asks what the hell that Russian plane is doing pulling up in the hangar. T'Chaka says Gorbachev is eager to prevent the threat from getting to their side of the world, so he sent The Winter Soldier. Bucky steps off the plane, past Peggy, who mutters to Howard that he looks JUST LIKE Bucky. Howard says even if "the rumors" are true, the man they knew is long gone.

Peggy, Howard and the heroes assembled so far head for a plane while Peggy exposits that the weapon is headed for Coney Island so the plan is to intercept there before it takes out the Eastern Seaboard. Bill asks if they will be able to get there in time and this is the cue for the Annette Benning stand in to show up and assure them she can fly fast enough. She is introduced as Wendy Lawson, who is head of research on the Tesseract. Because she's Kree. Long Story.

Emilio: And Hank is thinking 'don't I know you from somewhere....?'
Diandra: From some other reality where he was POTUS? Yeah.

So for everyone playing the home game, the players so far are the OG Black Panther, the OG Ant Man, his buddy Goliath, Mar Vell, Bucky and other supporting players from Captain America prior to Steve being found. Or as Hank puts it: "Cat Man, Space Broad, Giant Man, Silent But Deadly..." Wendy finishes that he's the "crusty guy" of the group and tells him to buckle his seat belt so she can take off.

Coney Island. Peter is distracted from the destruction he just created by the carnival. He wanders over and grabs a stuffed red panda before blowing up the stand it was displayed in. Wendy flies down to "secure" the pod he arrived in. Hank and Bill take up positions on either end of the carnival in ant and giant form respectively and take time to have a little banter about how Bill has obviously figured out how to go a little bigger than usual. T'Chaka asks if they're finished comparing sizes.

Emilio: Ah, no. Never.

He says he's spotted the kid on the tilt-a-whirl ride and he's confused by what looks like a pretty normal kid having some fun. Wendy says if they can isolate him, they can trap him in a photon grid. Hank tells them to work on the trap and he'll handle the kid.

Peter yelps as his cotton candy is covered in ants. He throws it away and jumps from the ride. Hank leads the ant army with a flying ant, chasing Peter into the hall of mirrors. A device inside traps him in a laser grid, one of the lasers slicing the head off his panda. T'Chaka appears outside the grid, giving the standard line about him only making things more difficult. Peter rages, eyes glowing and the whole house of mirrors blows up, sending T'Chaka flying. Bill/Goliath tries to contain him in some sort of lead dome, but he blasts that away too and Bill has to shrink to make himself less of a target for further blasting. He yells for help, which arrives in the form of Bucky, aiming weapons from a hovering ship. Wendy, who has gotten the pod ship Peter arrived in up and running and is hovering behind him, orders him to stand down because if the Tesseract that powers that ship gets blown up it will destroy the planet just as easily as Peter can. Bucky banks to one side and Peter blasts her instead. She jumps out without a chute and Bill bigifies to catch her.

Everyone gathers to face Peter and T'Chaka asks if anyone has a plan. Hank says yeah, "retreat". Bucky blasts the kid with a gun while everyone else piles onto the ship. They start to take off, but Peter surrounds the ship with some sort of force field. And then a bolt of lightning comes down between the ship and Peter, followed by Thor doing a superhero landing. Peter's eyes stop glowing and he fanboys "is it really you?" Thor is like 'your worst nightmare? Sure.' Apparently Peter didn't actually recognize Thor because he is disappointed to learn this is not, actually, "the dude from Van Halen". He passes out while Thor tries to figure out what the hell he's talking about.

Thor exposits while they lock the kid in a cell that he already took out Jotunheim and Asgard, followed by the rest of the Nine Realms, so Earth/Midgard is all that's left. Peggy asks if he has some sort of plan then. Thor plops a Celestial Seedling on a control panel, expositing that this is what Ego used to "implant his essence" on planets everywhere in the universe. He found this one in Missouri. Wendy says so he's using them to "consume" the planets then. Thor calls the seedlings the "fuse" of Ego's Expansion plan, which has to be lit. T'Chaka concludes that this is the purpose Peter serves. Howard asks why they don't just shove it down a garbage disposal then, which was exactly the same suggestion his son came up with for the time stone. Thor says they can't because plot convenience. Sorry, I mean because there is some "cosmic energy" protecting it that only a celestial being or someone of celestial descent can get through. So...Peter.

Hope is wandering around down by the cells, singing and dancing along to Corey Hart's "Never Surrender" on her Walkman. She unplugs the headphones so Peter can sing along too when she realizes he's watching, but he just stares. She notes that this is awkward and turns it off. Peter says it was one of his mom's favorite songs. Hope says hers too. He asks if that Walkman she's holding so tightly was her mom's, because if he still had his he would probably do the same.

Emilio: Ah, bonding over dead mothers. Welcome to Disney.

Hope notes that Peter's not so bad "given where you're from." He asks what's wrong with Missouri.

Chrissy: Uh, you want the short answer, or...

Actually, she is surprised to learn he's from Earth because dad told her he was an alien. "Dude, feed me a corndog and call me Springsteen, cause I was born in the USA." He says he flew 10,000 light years to get here because he was trying to get HOME. "In a ship, by the way, with no tape deck."

Before Hope can appreciate the inhumanity of that, an alarm blares. This is apparently a delayed reaction to Hope being in that part of the facility because upstairs Peggy identifies it as a security breach in detainment. Everyone instinctively arms and Hank realizes he doesn't have his Pym particles OR key card.

Actually, the alarm going off might have been later than that conversation because now we see Hope running around with a case containing a shrunken Peter. She puts the case on the ground in a large room, expands the whole thing and tells Peter to try to catch a bus at the stop outside. Then she gives him her Walkman. Because it's a LONG ride to Missouri from here and he should have music this time. He disappears as the 80's Avengers skid around the corner. Hank asks if Hope is okay. She snorts that the dangerous alien is just a KID, dad. She helped him get home.

Cut to her telling the whole team that they've made a mistake. Peter isn't the problem. His dad, the "weird alien space god" is.

Chrissy: That would be the other sign you're in a Disney production.
Diandra: Maybe not the alien space god part, but yes. Evil dad, dead mom and the ability to talk to animals.

Howard grumbles about how everyone always blames the absentee father, which...uh...yes? Hank begs Hope to help them find the kid. Did he say anything about where he might be going? Thor announces that this is taking too long, so he's just gonna go find the boy and destroy him and the seedling now. "Hey, Lightning Boy, we kind of have a team thing going on here," Howard snarks.

Chrissy: Yeah, you might want to leave the nickname shtick to your son.

Thor fires back that he has a "duty thing going on here...Mustache Man."

Chrissy: That's...somehow worse.

Thor vows to make sure the kid faces Asgardian justice. T'Chaka asks what that is, exactly.

Diandra: Sew his lips shut? Tie him to a rock and drip poison on his face? Why are all the punishments I can think of things they did to Loki?
Emilio: Because everything bad that ever happened to Asgard was Loki's fault?

Thor actually does list torture methods that are not all that different and Bill says they can't let him take the kid. They need to STUDY him. Bucky finally speaks, arguing that they do, in fact, need to kill the kid because he's a threat even without taking into account the seedling. T'Chaka mutters that it's no surprise the psycho assassin is advocating murder. Thor is like yeah, but I'm on his side because as long as the kid is alive, the planet is in danger. He asks if they're not here to protect the planet. Hope spins that they are: by doing "the right thing". Which should involve HELPING Peter, so if they want her to tell them where he went, they have to promise they will do that. She appeals to her dad specifically, claiming this is what mom would have done.

Chrissy: Yeah, maybe, but she's probably fucking Bill Murray right now so I'd hardly consider everything she does to be above reproach.

Meanwhile, Peter is crossing into Missouri on that bus when Ego tries to talk to him. He drowns out the voice with the Walkman. Ego asks his AI why he can't get through and the AI says the ship was destroyed by "enemy combatants". So they think he's dead. Ego mutters that he'll have to finish the job himself then.

On the console, the seedling starts glowing. Bill asks if it's supposed to be doing that. Thor growls that it means its "master" is close. Howard verifies that another alien ship IS incoming right now, according to the monitors that just started blaring an alarm. He says that must be dad, meaning "the girl" was right. Peggy mutters that they should have that printed on a t-shirt.

Chrissy: Careful. Don't want to offend the incels who think they are the primary audience for these things.

Bill asks how they're supposed to take on TWO celestials now.

Emilio: Well, you could always try contacting the Eternals...
Diandra: No.

T'Chaka recites an old Wakandan proverb: "one only wins a two-front war by getting out of your enemy's way." Howard translates that they should let them fight each other like yeah...we have that one too. He calls Wendy, who is following Peter and explains to the audience that she's going to need to bring him in to "suit up" if she can catch him because "he may be our only hope of stopping dear old dad." Wendy asks if they're sure a kid will be so willing to fight his own dad. Beside her, Hank laughs and notes that she isn't a parent.

In the desert somewhere, Ego is met by the rest of the team and whatever backup they can gather. He sneers that he's come to collect what "you've taken from me." Thor launches into the air and dives hammer first at Ego. Ego's eyes glow and the ground rises to smack him away. He lands at Bill's feet and Bill is like 'well, how did that go then?' Ego snaps at them to just hand the seedling over and they can end this. Peggy, stationed in a tank, is like 'yeah, you're just going to destroy us, so that's not gonna happen bud.' Ego says he's not here to DESTROY them, but to SAVE them. "By growing and spreading and covering all that exists until every part of you is me." He summons an army of rock monster clones to surround them and announces through them that if they don't just hand over the seedling, he WILL take it.

Peggy and her line of tanks start firing into the rock army while the other superheroes fight. Thor mows down several dozen before Ego changes tactics and summons one big rock monster around him, towering over Bill in giant form. Peggy orders all the tanks to fire and calls Howard to say he needs to get that seedling out of there while they hold Ego off. Howard thinks this is the perfect task for "our resident Terminator". That's...better than Lightning Boy. He calls Bucky, who is busy getting Peter in his rifle sight while Wendy and Hank sneak up on the kid. They are in a cemetery and Peter is kneeling in front of his mother's grave. Wendy's wrists light up and she says she can hold him down with this "gravitational control", but then Hank will need to subdue him. Hank argues that the kid is EIGHT and if they want him to help they're going to need to try a different way.

Chrissy: You get the feeling they're trying to tell an entire movie's worth of plot in a half hour episode here?
Emilio: Yes.
Diandra: Yeah, that's exactly what this is.

In the trees, Bucky says the Americans have found the target. A Russian voice in his ear asks if he's ready to "comply".

Hank approaches Peter warily, introducing himself as Hope's dad.

Chrissy: Please ignore the fact that my voice sounds twice as old as I look.

Peter repeats what Hope has already said: that this is not him, but his dad, who has some sort of ability to control him.

We check back in with the fight for shits and giggles, where the rock army is climbing all over Bill, who shrinks to shake them off.

The Russian voice orders Bucky to take the shot. And then Howard intercepts the comm and orders him to stand down.

Peter says he wanted to come back here because he thought he would feel less "alone", but without his mom here... Hank latches on to this to try to find common ground in Hope also losing her mom so they're all feeling pain and anger and loneliness. He says they don't have to "drown" in it though "so long as you let the people around you pull you out." Howard latches on to this and tells Bucky that the kid isn't just a TARGET, he's a potential future because, you know, it isn't too late for him to become a good person and that goes for Bucky too. Because the guy Steve Rogers knew and loved wouldn't shoot a kid.

Ego has basically overwhelmed the team and is sending tendrils of energy toward the base.

Hank begs Peter to come join their "family". Peter hugs him and Bucky has feels and puts his weapon down. Wendy confirms for Howard that they have Peter and are heading back. Howard mutters that even after fifty years, Steve is "saving my ass".

Chrissy: Yeah, and that instinct is going to transfer to your kid, although Steve will have slightly different intentions for that ass.
Diandra: How old was Tony in the late 80s? Because I'm getting a bit of a creepy vibe with that.
Emilio: Probably a teenager? What year did they go back to to get the Tesseract in "Endgame"?
Diandra: Right. Probably a preteen then. Which sounds about right because I think they were trying to pass off Robert Downey Jr as about a decade younger than he really is.
Chrissy: It doesn't matter because he'll be legal by the time they find Steve in this reality, I'm sure. In fact, he could be older than whatever age Steve is supposed to be.
Emilio: Certainly more experienced.
Chrissy: If you're trying to slut shame me, you should know that I cannot be shamed.
Diandra: Ah, yes. Now I remember why Tony is one of your roleplays.

Ego's tendrils burst into the base around Howard and Hope at that moment, snatching the seedling from under their noses and retreating. Peggy spells out for the audience that SOMEBODY needs to intercept that or they're screwed. Unfortunately, T'Chaka, Thor and Bill are all being immobilized by the rock army. But at the last second, Wendy flies the ship in and Hank and Peter jump out on the back of a flying ant. Peter snatches the seedling and Hank mutters "I hope you're right about this, kid" before flying them into the eye of the giant rock Ego. They expand to normal size in front of the actual Ego, who splutters that Peter is ALIVE. But "you seem to have fallen in with the wrong crowd". Peter says this is his and his mother's HOME and he can't just let dad destroy it. Ego brushes off this sentiment as the influence of his mortal half and he'll realize eventually that everything dies except them because they are immortal. Peter sobs that Ego said he loved his mother. Ego lies that he did, but she had to die for the sake of the whole Expansion plan. Peter has the 'wait...you killed my mom?!' moment again, at a much younger age this time. Ego gloats that Peter doesn't have the power to destroy HIM, even if he wants to now that he found THAT out. Peter holds up the seedling and explains that because of it, a little part of Ego will always live inside him. He crushes it. Ego grumbles that he always knew Peter would turn into a disappointment. Being human and all. This is set up for Peter saying that actually, according to his mother, "I'm a Star Lord". He sends a blast of energy at Ego, who explodes in a fireball of energy that wipes out his rock army. After the dust settles, Peter's eyes stop glowing and Hank rushes to hug him.

Everyone retreats to the Pym house, where Thor discovers light beer and Wendy introduces the kids to Goose, offering to let them look after her for a while. Yeah, that...can't possibly go wrong once they figure out she's not a normal cat. Wendy asks Howard the status on Bucky. Howard shrugs that he's "in the wind". Hank asks if that means they should be worried. Howard is sure they got through to him. "The Winter Soldier might be out there, but I'm pretty sure Bucky Barnes is out there with him."

After dinner, Thor announces that even if the kid destroyed Ego's physical body, his planet/spirit form or whatever is still alive and he must avenge his people. Bill and Hank remind him of the whole team thing they have going while the Avengers theme builds. Thor suggests they "suit up" then and we cut to a shot of all of them doing a superhero walk as the fanfare blares.

Emilio: So this could be the world of your Doctor Strange AU, right? Because Loki didn't form the Avengers?
Chrissy: That's right, you're writing that Loki as Sorcerer Supreme story, aren't you?
Diandra: [sigh] You know, I miss the days when these recaps weren't used to shop fanfiction ideas.
Chrissy: I thought waxing nostalgic about a time that didn't exist was more of a Republican trait.
Diandra: Ha. Fine. I don't need to use this specifically. Any event that happens earlier to form some version of the Avengers would work. I'm still trying to work out the whole alternate history and which events from what canon happened or didn't happen to shape that world.
Chrissy: Cool. As long as you're not putting way too much thought into it.
Diandra: Sarcasm noted. That is the fun of alternate history stories though. Exploring the ripple effects caused by changing something at some point. Which is the foundation for this show and on that note, let's get back on track here...

Episode 3: What If...Happy Hogan Saved Christmas (or: Die Hulk)

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Jon Favreau, Kat Dennings, Cobie Smulders (are we ever going to address the fact that we just killed her in Secret Invasion? No?), Sam Rockwell, Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, Mick Wingert, Lake Bell and Josh Keaton doing their impressions of the rest of the Avengers actors, Ross Marquand interestingly NOT doing either of the characters he has taken over so far, Isaac Robinson-Smith, Matthew Waterson

Years ago, I swore that no matter how many of the dozens of movies in this series I had to backtrack to I would NOT, under any circumstances, do "Iron Man 2". And then this show did a whole episode featuring the bad guy that was only in that movie. So, I ground my teeth and powered through the only two original movies I hadn't done yet (because they keep going back to the first "Captain America" too, so whatever), writing the meagerest recaplet I could get away with in order to get any relevant details. So, I have now done at least a quick run through of EVERY FUCKING THING from all of the Infinity Saga phases.

Emilio: And it wasn't that bad, was it?
Diandra: The quick run through of Cap1 and IM2? Not really, but I'm still glad I didn't try to do a full recap of either because it would have been a long, dull slog that would have sapped my will to live.
Chrissy: Still think you're never gonna do "The Eternals"?
Diandra: I would rather attempt to translate every unhinged tweet the tangerine dictator wannabe ever farted out into coherent English.
Emilio: ............wow.
Diandra: Anyway. Now that I have a better grasp of what I'm doing (for the next couple episodes anyway), let's do this.

Apparently, Marvel decided they needed another Christmas themed installment of this franchise, so they made sure this episode would air on Christmas Eve. It opens with snow falling and Christmas-y music and the Watcher offering to tell us his favorite "Yuletide" story. "Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town...the Avengers were fighting a brand new superpower."

Chrissy: Yeah, that doesn't really rhyme.
Diandra: Shh.

We pan out from a snowglobe with the Avengers tower in it to reveal it sitting on a mantle, from which hang stockings emblazoned with the names of the six OG Avengers, plus Pepper and Rhodey. The Watcher's recitation is interrupted by Tony - in full Iron Man armor - slamming into the fireplace, knocking Thor's stocking into the flames. He asks Steve, dressed like an elf, where the FUCK Thor is and launches back into the battle already in progress. Nat, dressed like some sort of princess, fires up some wrist blasters that actually look like they might be stolen from Wonder Woman...

Chrissy: [opens mouth]
Diandra: Wrong franchise, I know.

...and fires at a raging purple monster. The scene freezes, The Watcher notes that we probably don't know who this guy is and he should back up.

After the opening credits, where the theme is tangled with music from The Nutcracker, we go to two hours ago when "the tower was not yet on fire."

Chrissy: Although Tony was probably trying to ignite one in the bedroom if you know what I mean.

Happy directs a couple Iron Bots in putting a giant Santa hat on the A. Darcy's voice comes over his comms. "Sparrow 1 to Puffin 2...we have a code red down here." Happy grumbles that he TOLD her this line was to be used for emergencies only. At least while JARVIS is being defragged.

Chrissy: Couldn't get Paul Bettany, huh?

Darcy yelps that this is DEFINITELY an emergency because the caterers are here, but they're only serving cheese and carrot sticks and WHAT KIND OF PARTY IS THIS?! Happy says this isn't his first rodeo, so...chill. Also, why is he a Puffin? And not even Puffin 1? Darcy is like 'because Puffin 1 is that one guy in accounting, duh.' She asks if he would prefer to be called Turkey 1 or maybe Flamingo 6. Happy spots a jar full of cherries and gets the idea to send her on a "very special mission" to get some cherries because they're running low and Tony NEEDS those for the hot toddys. Darcy figures out immediately that he's just trying to get rid of her. Happy says he's just looking for some "peace on Earth".

Maria Hill finds him and starts talking about the whole JARVIS being shut down for maintenance thing. He interrupts that he'd like to talk to her about upgrading the threat matrix. She says she needs him to focus on the party and leave that to the "professionals". Because everyone has had a really rough year and they NEED a good celebration. A voice on her walkie, identifying her as Eagle 1, calls her away and Happy stews a bit about her call sign being cooler.

Darcy is leaving the building past some guys carrying poinsettias in. They turn out to be Justin Hammer and a couple goons. The Watcher is like 'yeah...remember this guy? Corrupt defense contractor tragically underused in the second Iron Man movie before ending up in jail? Yeah, he's back looking for revenge. Buckle up, cause we're doing a send up of "Die Hard".'

Justin arrives at the main level where the party is getting underway and has one of his Russian goons snag an iPad from a guest. He plugs a flash drive into it...somehow...and sets a file to upload while he talks to the nearest guy sobbing that they're all gonna die. "There's no crying on Christmas! You know, when I was seven years old I wanted a Red Ryder BB gun more than anything in the world." And even people who haven't actually seen "A Christmas Story" instinctively blurt YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT. He rambles about how he begged everyone to get him one and accidentally got his tongue stuck to a flag pole and... The crying guy stops crying to note that he's describing the plot of a movie he can't remember the name of. One of the goons agrees that it's "the one with the leg lamp". Justin snaps at them to shut up and continues that he didn't get the BB gun and "do you know why?"

Emilio: Because the guy who played Ralphie is an entirely different character in these movies?
Diandra: Besides that.

He peeks at the pad, which shows the upload complete, and finishes that he didn't get it because this is America, where if you want something you have to just take it.

Chrissy: If you are a white man anyway.

Alarms go off. Happy mutters about everything going to shit if you unplug JARVIS for FIVE MINUTES. Tony's bots fly to the party room and surround Justin, blasters aimed at his head. Justin calmly tells his goons that he's reprogramming their protocols to target "all on site staff". The lights in the bots eyes all switch from white to red and they turn on the guests.

Happy is still not up to speed when the elevator he is in opens on Hammer and his goons mid-exposition about the locked lab they are standing in front of containing "a gamma-radiated antigen serum". For our benefit, Happy mutters "Hulk blood". Justin's plan is to make himself a superhero with it. Yeah, you want to talk to Emil about how that went for him? No? He says he is "smarter than 10 Tony Starks" and with this he will also be "stronger than 12 Captain Americas". One of the goons starts beating at the glass with a sledgehammer, which isn't what he thought they were going to do, but okay. Happy calls Maria to tell her there are three hostiles outside Tony's lab. Maria questions why they didn't go right to the armory. Happy says Tony has been "messing around" with Hulk blood to see "if he can be the Hulk without the anger management issues." Maria asks if it worked. Happy is like 'uh...still working on it.' He is interrupted when Justin heads for the elevator he's in, disappearing through the ceiling hatch before he gets there. Justin tells the goons to call him when they get through. "Time for me to go sit on Tony's throne. I'm not gonna flush if you get my drift."

Emilio: Ah, no. That's too subtle.

Happy tells Maria Justin is headed for the bathroom. Maria asks if he can "secure the samples".

The elevator starts moving and Happy looks at the vent openings above and confirms that he has a way in. He jumps across the elevator shaft into one of the openings, almost not making it. So he's crawling around in the vents muttering about Tony telling him a holiday party would be "fun" and "what could go wrong?" and completely ignoring him when he said the air vents could be a security issue and NOBODY LISTENS TO HAPPY.

Justin is wandering past a bar and picks up a bottle of liquor, which explodes as Maria gets the drop on him and shoots it in warning. She orders him to surrender peacefully. He just pours some of the now broken open bottle contents into a glass and chortles about her having to face down Tony Stark's "greatest adversary." She snorts and asks if he's a wealth tax.

So the Russian goons are still trying to sledgehammer the door of the lab as Happy drops in from the air duct. The thugs hear some noise in there, but can't see through the glass in the dark.

Back with Justin rambling about all the things he learned while he was in the slammer, the most important of which is "cheating is for winners." An explosion goes off behind Maria, throwing her and knocking the gun from her hands.

Happy hears this over his radio just before the air ducts collapses and dumps him to the floor. He tries to stand really still and hope the goons think that was a REALLY big rat or something. This MAYBE works for about two seconds before all the lights come on, illuminating him standing in the middle of the room with his eyes closed like a little kid who thinks nobody can see him if he can't see them. One of the goons calls Justin to tell him that have a security guard. Except they still can't get through the glass, so Happy has time to try to find the blood sample first. He is briefly distracted when he finds an arrow with a tip full of confetti, muttering that Tony is booking Hawkeye for birthday parties now.

Chrissy: No, just sending him instead when SOMEBODY tries to book ME.

He finds the vial already in a syringe and immediately fumbles it so it injects itself into his leg.

Chrissy: And your new code name is butterfingers.

Justin gets back with some Iron Drones to blast through the doors, which...maybe you should have done that in the first place?

Emilio: Yeah, but if the bad guys were actually competent it would be a LOT harder for the heroes to defeat them.

They get in and Happy throws some sort of smoke bomb at them. His leg and nothing else has gone Purple Hulk, which helps him kick his way out of the lab. Justin finds the empty vial and realizes they need to capture Happy now.

Back downstairs or wherever, Maria hails Happy, telling him her leg is broken so she's out and it's up to him now to stop Justin Hammer and save the tower. Justin returns as she finishes and she smashes the walkie. He orders the drones to cuff her.

Happy hides in an office closet while a drone looks for him. He gets an idea from a poster about the Avengers team and mutters "there's no I in team" while scrolling through his phone contacts. He calls Nat, who is on the catwalk above a performance of The Nutcracker with a ballerina pointing a gun at her. She says this isn't a good time because there's this former HYDRA agent with 17 confirmed kills...the HYDRA assassin corrects that it's 18. Nat is like 'brag much?' Happy asks if she needs help. "Oh, no, I've got this," Nat growls. Because hi, have you met her? There are gunshots and she cuts out.

Happy tries Tony next and the Robert Downey Jr impersonator answers by demanding he tell "Timmy" that a replica Captain America shield is "nothing but a patriotic frisbee". Tony is playing Santa at the mall apparently. Happy starts saying they have an emergency back at the tower, but Tony is distracted by his own emergency in the form of his "elf" Steve being surrounded by soccer moms and it looks kind of like a lone gazelle about to be taken down by lionesses who are totally going to eat him if you know what I mean.

Chrissy: Yeah, it turns out protecting America's ass is a full time job.
Diandra: Don't pretend your reasons for doing it are entirely selfless, Tony.
Chrissy: Wouldn't dream of it.
Emilio: Man, it really is a shame the two of you didn't do more of this particular roleplay.

Both of Happy's arms have now gone Purple Hulk and he tries calling Bruce, wincing as the first thing he hears is children screaming at glass shattering decibels. Bruce is at a store in front of an action figure display with Clint, who is holding what is apparently the LAST Iron Man action figure. Hilariously, the empty shelves are next to a nearly full display of Hawkeye action figures marked 25% off. Bruce hisses at Clint to just give "her" the damn toy. Clint argues that his wife said "bring home this toy or don't come home at all." Happy crushes his phone while trying to yell for their attention. The Iron Bot appears outside the closet and he punches his way out with his Hulked fist. His walkie flares to life with Darcy announcing she got the cherries. Happy tries to tell her about the tower being taken by terrorists while his voice warbles between normal and Hulk growl. "Terrorists on Christmas," Darcy splutters. "What is this? 'Con Air'? No...wait...'Under Siege'? No, no no that's not it. Wait. I know this one." Happy snaps at her to focus, but also calls her John McClane like he's trying to get her to the right answer faster. He says all the suits and weapons are currently controlled by Hammer and... Darcy says he should call up the Avengers or the army or "that scary dude with the eye-patch." You know, the guy from the sequel to the movie she can't remember. Happy says JARVIS is off line right now, which is why they...a light bulb goes off in his head and he calls Darcy a genius. Darcy notes that she should be because she's been in college for nearly a decade, but "what did I say?" Happy says JARVIS' mainframe is in the basement and if they can get him back online, they can take back control of the building. "Are you asking me to be your Reginald VelJohnson?" Happy splutters that THAT'S all she remembers from the movie.

Emilio: I mean...he was the dad in "Family Matters", so that's fair.
Diandra: Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was one of the few people I recognized the first time I saw "Die Hard" too, for that very reason. Just like LeVar Burton was the only guy I recognized on "Next Generation" because hey, it's the "Reading Rainbow" guy!
Chrissy: The fact that you recognize him from that and not as Kunte Kinte is reassuring. Most of your references place you as older than you actually are.
Diandra: I don't consider that a bad thing.

Happy starts to round a corner when the Russian goons appear. He tries to hide, but since he's behind a glass case containing one of Tony's suits they can totally see him. He runs to a corner with bolts of fabric because I guess this is where they make the superhero costumes and She Hulk was a lie. He grabs the end of a spandex roll and blasts through the window, smashing back in through a window on whatever floor the roll ends at. By the time he crashes through a couple walls into the gym, he is fully hulked and all his clothes have shredded. Except his pants are still on because this needs to stay family friendly. He punches the nearest punching bag to try his new superpowers, ripping it right out of the ceiling.

The goons follow the sound of grunting down the stairwell.

Happy tests his ability to calm down. To absolutely not help in that effort, Darcy tries to hail him on the comm, asking if he's okay because he sounds "a little Darth Vader-y." Happy growls that he's "going through some stuff" and needs a minute. Darcy is at the control box in the basement, apparently, grumbling about how this thing controls the ENTIRE building and whose brilliant plan was this? The walls of the room lift away, revealing the whole basement and Happy grumbles that she thought the "doorknob" was the mainframe. Darcy's like 'yeah, maybe, but if I could squeeze one more nerd reference in here...' "This is like the Narnia for dorks!" Happy says there's a backup for JARVIS in the sub basement. The goons arrive outside and inform Justin that he's talking to somebody in the sub basement. Justin tells them to come back to the penthouse because "it's better to make them come to the Hammer."

Chrissy: Ugh. He makes Tony look humble.
Diandra: Pretty sure that's the point, yeah.

Darcy pulls a drawer of AI alternates, finding Friday, Wadsworth and Edith. "Sounds like a BBC mystery," she grumbles.

Chrissy: Did you find Watson yet? He still has some bugs in that he insists on doing the opposite of everything I say while calling me an old cock, but he's a bishop to my king. Or was he a knight? I keep mixing up my analogies.
Diandra: [slow clap]

Happy growls at her to just PICK ONE. She picks "Werner", which is where Ross Marquand comes in, apparently. But we'll get to that later. For now, she is cut off because somebody blasts into the basement with her. Happy tries to hail her, but gets an answer from Justin, who chortles that "the only difference between a hero and a villain is good PR."

Chrissy: Just ask Tom Hiddleston.
Diandra: Okay, we're not breaking the fourth wall here.

Justin rambles about how redemption is all about rebranding and he was going to use that Hulk blood to do some of that himself. He vows to reverse engineer it after he kills Happy. In the background, Darcy yelps for Happy to ignore this attempt at intimidation. Justin says yeah, he has Darcy, by the way. And if Happy doesn't come to the penthouse in five minutes he'll put a bullet in her. "Don't be a hero," he concludes.

We have a little interlude of Justin opening a present under the tree for Cap from Tony. It's Iron Man branded socks. "Wow, the press lied. These two really do not get along."

Chrissy: Obviously you didn't find the note under them instructing him to wait until later to try them on because I expect him to wear NOTHING ELSE when he models them for me.
Diandra: I guess I should be grateful for the subtlety. It could have been a red and gold butt plug.
Chrissy: ...........you think I would put that under the TREE for anyone to find? It was embarrassing enough that Nat found that g-string last year. Thank god she didn't find the spreader bar.
Diandra: Okay [whistles and makes time out gesture] that's enough porn prompts for one recap.
Chrissy: But I didn't even get to the machine I made to test his serum-enhanced endurance!
Diandra: I SAID ENOUGH.
Chrissy: [mutters something unintelligible that might or might not include the words "vibranium handcuffs"]

The elevator dings and the bots start firing the second the doors open. But Happy isn't an idiot, so a dummy falls out of the elevator, a piece of paper that says "let it snow" stuck it its back with an arrow. Specifically, the confetti arrow, which explodes in Justin's face. While he's distracted with that, Happy bursts through the floor on the other side of the room and swats at the drones as they fly to attack him. The goons see this purple hulk smashing all the drones and make a run for it. "What the hell do you think I pay you for," Justin yelps at them. The goons shrug like 'you don't pay us ENOUGH for any of this.' Justin grumbles and scrolls through rooms on his hacked iPad linked into security until he finds the armory. He jumps on the elevator and disappears.

Happy bites the head off one last drone, gallops over to Darcy and Maria and rips their handcuffs off with two fingers. Maria starts to say that if they can reboot JARVIS... Happy says he's already on that. He says he's going to go take care of Hammer while they work on the reboot. "It's time for that Hammer to get nailed."

Emilio: Um...
Diandra: Nope! We're already over limit on the double entendres.
Chrissy: I was just going to say he probably heard that a lot in prison.
Diandra: [groans] [beats forehead on desk]
Emilio: Are we going to be able to finish the recap here?
Diandra: God, I hope so.

We have a little interlude of Happy being met by a whole army of bots and plowing through them, at one point grabbing one by the ankles and ripping it in half and using the pieces to beat the others, like...dude. Yikes. Eventually they are all subdued and he is left snarling like a bull in the middle of all the carnage.

He blasts through a wall into a room where Hammer is calmly watching the snow fall outside a window. He snarls that Hammer lost and "there's not gonna be a Christmas miracle!" Justin is like 'are you sure?' He pushes a button on a remote and a Hulkbuster Iron suit flies through the window and forms around him. At the control panel in the basement, Maria explains that he took control of Tony's suit for the audience just before Hulkbuster Justin flies through a window with Happy Hulk in tow. Darcy yelps that this is the WORST internship ever. Justin and Happy fight in the background (with terrible banter including Justin sneering that Tony is DEFINITELY not paying Happy enough to deal with THE HAMMER) while Darcy tries to upload Werner. She is locked out, which she fixes by rebooting with control-alt-delete. Which is not how any of that should work, but whatever. She says she learned it while interning with an IT department, which I would THINK would actually have taught her to turn it off and turn it back on instead. Maria asks if she's ever had an actual paying job and she brightly says "nope!"

They get Werner uploaded and Ross, in his best impersonation of Werner Herzog, rambles about the fate of men and machines. Maria is like 'I SAID DISCONNECT THE HULKBUSTER YOU POMPOUS IDIOT.' She asks if Werner is calling the Avengers, at least. "As they say in German...no." Maria splutters that this thing is Siri for nihilists.

Chrissy: In all fairness, that is exactly the sort of thing Tony would make.

They watch from a safe distance while Happy gets the upper hand and starts ripping pieces of the suit off Justin. He is distracted by the arrival of the Avengers (minus Thor) with Tony asking why the hell this monster is eating his suit. They leap into action AGAINST Happy, except Bruce who is not in Hulk form and just stands to one side eating a Christmas cookie and assuring them that they totally have things under control here.

Tony is thrown into the fireplace and asks where Thor is and now we're caught up to the beginning of the episode. Steve asks if that weird Purple Hulk is Happy. Tony says no, it isn't and launches back in to the fight. Darcy waits until they almost have him subdued to yelp that "he's on the guest list!" Nat just hits him with a taser. He yelps "Natasha! It's me!" and they realize it is, in fact, Happy. Darcy points at Happy Hulk and Justin while catching them up on which one is the good guy and which one is the bad guy. Tony pushes a button on his suit to disassemble the Hulkbuster and Justin falls to the floor. Happy roars at him and he falls out of the blasted window so we can recreate the Hans Gruber falling off Nakatomi scene. Except Happy leaps after him and catches him at the last second. Justin asks why he saved him. Happy grumbles about Christmas and goodwill toward men and whatnot and manhandles him back up into the room with the Avengers. He apologizes to Tony about the ruined party and the destruction and hopes that insurance will cover the damage. Tony says Happy is the only "insurance policy" he'll ever need anymore and Happy is like 'uh...does that mean you don't have a cure for this?'

Tony just laughs and announces that they should all go get some food. Happy agrees that he worked up such an appetite with that fight that "I can eat an actual fruitcake." The Watcher finishes this "Yuletide" story with "but I heard a voice say as the heroes vanished from sight..." Thor touches down on the launch pad and bellows "Merry Christmas to all and to all a..." He looks around, confused, and calls "guys?" and bemoans that he missed the party. The Watcher finishes the sentence, chuckling "to all a good night" while the tower burns in the background.

And somewhere in the middle of the credits, Darcy sings a demented version of Good King Wenseslas which goes like this: "Good Queen Darcy last looked down on the feast of Steve Rogers. When the snow lay on the ground something something something. Thor has a giant neck. It is full of muscles. He's just a little schmoopy noodle going through the cosmos." She laughs and adds "Happy Holidays" and interestingly, the closed captioning adds "make up dumb songs for money", which nobody actually says.

Just in case you don't believe me...

Chrissy: Yeah, I would offer to fix that ridiculousness, but my brain is kind of stuck on "feast of Steve Rogers".
Diandra: Of course it is. Because you actually ARE Jennifer Walters.
Chrissy: No, I'm channeling Tony right now since he's more likely to know what Steve tastes like.
Diandra: ...........yeah, I only have myself to blame for that one. I walked right into it.
Emilio: Is the next episode the one with Steve? Because if it is, this is totally going to carry over, isn't it?
Diandra: No, it's...[checks listing][groans] The one with Tony and Gamora.
Chrissy: Oh, awesome! We're totally going to talk about that comic where she pegged him.
Diandra: I'm sure you will.

A couple people assure me that there is, in fact, a strap on on the floor in that second image.

Episode 4: What If Iron Man Crashed Into the Grandmaster (or: What If Tony Didn't Die For Once?)

We begin this episode with a "previously on" recap of last season because, as we noted at the time, there was one episode that got cut since it couldn't be finished in time. This is that episode.

So the Watcher says basically 'we did this whole series about gathering heroes from various parts of the multiverse to fight Ultron and skipped the episode about Gamora. Here it is now. Except it's more about Tony Stark and literally EVERYONE ELSE with Gamora as a bit player as will be obvious when you see the credits.'

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Mick Wingert, Jeff Goldblum, Tessa Thompson, Taika Waititi, Rachel House, Josh Brolin, Cynthia McWilliams. Yes, this is the order they are in. And that last one is the Zoe Saldana impersonator.

This one diverges from the MCU at the end of The Avengers, when Tony was flying the bomb out through a portal to the Chitauri mothership and barely fell back through to Earth before it closed. In this version, the portal closes on him and he goes pinballing through space, somehow ending up on Sakaar, the garbage planet from Ragnarok, years earlier. He crashes through a window of the main palace and lands on the floor in the middle of a party. He pulls off his faceplate and grumbles about this NOT being heaven and, as the Grandmaster bends over him, saying "tell me you're not God."

Emilio: No, but give me some time and I can make you call me that anyway.
Diandra: Oh, here we go.
Chrissy: What are YOU worried about? I'm Tony.

This actually isn't that far off because the Grandmaster just gushes about how pretty Tony is and he's going to call him Porcelana because his skin is just RADIANT.

Tony's suit starts sparking while he's trying to recall if he fitted it with a rape whistle and Grandmaster calls Topaz to come put it out. This is all making it very clear why these people were very briefly in later episodes of season 1 by the way. They had larger roles in this episode that we didn't see. Keep that in mind because I'm pretty sure it's going to apply to this season too. Topaz orders some jets to spray Tony with fire retardant foam, which they completely overkill, as Grandmaster actually notes.

Emilio: Where was this exuberance when I ordered lube at that orgy last week?
Diandra: [shudders and groans]

Tony goes back to the 'this is not heaven' thing and identifies this as actually being Hell. Grandmaster boops him on the nose and corrects that he is on the planet Sakaar. Then he looks at the discarded faceplate and has a realization. "Wait a minute...it's you!" He announces to everybody that Mr. Metal Mojo Man is here.

Chrissy: It's just Ken, actually.
Diandra: Ha.

Grandmaster further identifies him as the "crusher of Chitaurinos" and the "defeater of Thanos". Tony doesn't know who that is yet.

Chrissy: Wait, so Sakaar is in the future due to time displacement or something? Where was this information before?
Diandra: Up some writer's ass? Here's a better question: why are Tony's eyes PURPLE? Were they always like that on this show?
Emilio: Isn't that the color they are in the comics?
Diandra: I thought they were blue. Same as Doctor Strange. To match the weird blue streaks that are sometimes in their hair.

Actually, he exposits that since time works differently here, they've been talking about that whole Nuke the Chitauri plan for days. The fact that Thanos was behind that is a thing that we only learned about later and some fanboys still deny. "By the way, can I call you Mojo?" "Never," Tony snarls. Grandmaster throws out a couple more choices: "Tin Man?" "Rocketman?" Tony shoots them down too, so he's like 'okay, I got nothing else, so Mojo Man it is.' Tony is distracted by the news footage of the attack that is now playing behind the Grandmaster. He is happy to realize that they won the battle, but then the camera focuses on a mourning Pepper, who has now been named acting CEO of Stark Industries. He's okay with that though because at least she's okay.

Chrissy: Ouch. That has extra weight after his last scene in "Endgame".
Diandra: Which this was originally supposed to air closer to. Like...within a year. Two at most.

Grandmaster gets his attention again, asking him to "do the thing." He powers up his suit to blast out of the dense foam mountain and snaps "hey, Wizard of Oz, I need to get back to Earth pronto. Can you help me with that?" Grandmaster is like 'uh...okay. Sure. Party pooper.' He says he'll get right on that later, but Tony should really stay and help celebrate his 21st birthday.

Chrissy: Leap Day baby?
Emilio: Did I mention time works differently here? Yeah, I use that excuse a lot.

Tony says his partying days are behind him and starts walking away from the Grandmaster. Grandmaster gestures to Topaz and she uses the melt stick on a statue, staring pointedly at Tony. He freezes and asks if they have food at this party.

Arena. Some masked gladiators enter and a holographic Grandmaster welcomes everyone to his special birthday edition of the Sakaar Grand Prix. Tony is apparently in the same box Loki was in. Someone offers him a martini, which he takes. The gladiators get in their cars and now we see Valkyrie and Korg are among them.

The real Grandmaster appears beside Tony as the cars all start the race.

Emilio: I forgot to mention the standard payment for one of these box seats. It involves you kneeling at my feet wearing nothing but a collar and a gold thong.
Chrissy: What, are you Jabba the Hut?
Emilio: You got the reference. Good.

Grandmaster starts talking about how this is what is called a "chariot race" on "Yurth". Tony tries to correct his pronunciation of "Earth" and gives up after a couple failed attempts, declaring "Aarf" to be close enough. And it's more like Intergalactic NASCAR. Grandmaster says no, racecars are similar, but it's not the same thing. "Common mistake. Don't be embarrassed."

One of the cars crashes and explodes and Grandmaster grumbles about how they should have bigger gas tanks because he "barely felt that flame". One of the "cars", which looks straight out of Mad Max, starts firing at other cars and sucking them into a giant engine. The audience cheers. Because yes, it is more like the gladiator thing. Valkyrie zips past everyone and leaps in the air to avoid explosions before flipping to a stop in the middle of the track, upside down. Tony asks where the medics and firefighters are. Grandmaster is like 'oh, shut up. EVERYBODY BOO HER!' The audience starts throwing tin cans at Valkyrie as she crawls out. Grandmaster is like "okay, now the small animals!" and squeaking balls of fur are launched at her. Tony asks if this is maybe a bit barbaric and "are those...hamsters?" Grandmaster tells Topaz to toss him a chinchilla and says they USED to throw food, but with the famine that just seemed cruel. He throws the chinchilla. Valkyrie catches it and it licks her hand. She walks up to the nearest spectator, snatches his beer, replaces it with the chinchilla and guzzles.

Topaz orders the "Champion" be released. Since "Age of Ultron" hasn't happened yet and it might not end the same anyway in this universe, this is not The Hulk. It is some sort of elephant like creature, which charges out onto the track. Korg identifies it as "Snuffy" before Flintstoning his car to a stop, turning around and running away from the charging monster. Snuffy catches up and flips him into the air, swallowing the car and letting him hit the ground. Tony's like 'okay, this is my cue to go.' He calls his suit and Grandmaster gushes that he's "doing the thing." As the metal pieces click into place around him, Tony asks "uh...why is it sticky?"

Diandra: [groans] [braces for incoming]
Emilio: Yeah, my bad.
Diandra: Oh. That's...that's it?
Chrissy: Since I'm looking at the HAND of the suit, specifically, I assume that means it isn't JUST the gold thong I'm wearing in that fantasy of yours that you've already found the time to entertain?
Diandra: There it is.

Tony flies up over the racetrack and his suit immediately begins sparking and splatters him to the ground next to Korg. Snuffy charges toward them and Korg warns him that Snuffy "does not like to be touched."

Chrissy: I love how you think my first instinct was going to be to try to pet the charging, enraged mutant elephant from hell.
Diandra: Because it's what HE would do. No one ever said he was very bright. Also, he's made of rocks.

Tony aims a blaster at the charging Snuffy, but it fizzles and refuses to fire.

Chrissy: What exactly did you DO to this thing?
Emilio: It's not WHAT I did so much as how many TIMES I did it.
Chrissy: I haven't been here that long. How are you not dead of dehydration?

He tries the other hand, to the same effect. Then both hands as the animal rears on it's back legs to pounce. Nothing happens with his suit, but Snuffy seems to explode anyway. The audience cheers and Gamora swaggers through the smoking remains holding a massive blaster. She cocks it and aims at Tony. He darts behind the nearest chunk of what used to be Snuffy as she starts shooting, managing to get his blaster working finally to knock the gun from her hands. She just pulls a sword instead, snarls and leaps over the chunk he's hiding behind, putting it to his throat. He asks who the HELL she is. "Your death," she growls before an obedience disk hits her neck and zaps her. Another hits Tony and we see Topaz holding the control while he writhes on the ground.

Grandmaster appears behind Topaz and snarks about them ruining his birthday.

Emilio: But thank you for landing with your ass in the air like that. Gives me better wank material.
Chrissy: Unfortunately the hot green lady is unconscious or it might give her some ideas too.
Diandra: I was wondering how long it would take you to bring up the "Gamora pegged Tony" comic. Not long, obviously.

He orders Topaz to "fix this".

Chrissy: Yeah, that's just his default position.

And we smash right to Topaz shoving Tony and Gamora into a room...with a big bed that looks like a waterbed surrounded by many bottles of what is probably alcohol. Tony is like waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiit a minute here and Gamora just tries to run back out of the room. Topaz slams the door shut in her face and shrugs that Grandmaster sensed a "connection" between them, so...

Chrissy: Are some of these bottles lube? Also, I assume there is something vaguely phallic here somewhere?

Tony asks why "he" is here then, pointing to the previously unnoticed Korg sitting in a chair by the bed.

Emilio: He likes to watch.

Korg is like 'who? Nobody here but a big pile of rocks.' His presence is convenient because Tony is able to hide behind him as Gamora lunges and tries to rip his head off.

Tony starts fiddling with his arc reactor and Gamora asks what the hell he's doing. A spark goes from the reactor to the obedience disc, knocking it from his neck. He says a better question is who is she and why is she trying to kill him? She snarls that she is the daughter of Thanos, the mad Titan, "burdened to bring balance to this universe." He's like 'your name is Daughter of Thanos? He couldn't give you an actual name?' He goes over to knock on the walls and says he's not about to stick around playing "Doctor Moreau's Hunger Games". He taps something on his wrist that tricks the control panel into opening the door. "Ready to rock and roll? I had to say that at least once." Korg runs out the door behind him and he closes it again before Gamora can follow, dubbing her "Stabby".

As they're walking Tony asks for more details about this Grandmaster guy. "Did he gerrymander the districts?" Because I guess he's still on the Hunger Games thing. Korg says no, he's not THAT bad. Heh. Then he sighs that actually he probably is because he spends all their money on "death". "I should never have voted for him."

Chrissy: I really thought he just wanted to make Sakaar great again.
Emilio: Grandmaster is Trump now?
Diandra: Ugh. A narcissistic braggart more interested in people worshipping him than anything else? I hate to say it, but that analogy actually works.

Tony peeks around a corner into what looks like a ship hangar guarded by half a dozen guys. He says it doesn't look TOO bad and whispers at Korg to wait for his signal. Korg is like 'SIGNAL! RIGHT!' and lurches right out into the open screaming like the idiot he is. Although because he is a rock monster, he mows down all the guards pretty easily. Tony asks what happened to WAITING FOR A SIGNAL. Korg says he very clearly blinked, which was the signal, right? Or maybe it was his goatee twitching? Gamora appears behind them, aiming another gun and Tony asks how the hell she managed to get out of that cell. She just cryptically says "it'll take more than laser-proof glass to rob Thanos of his victory." Tony and Korg dart to the side as she shoots and the ship that was behind them blows up, blasting out a window. Tony shrugs that that will work as a way out, grabs a trigger from one of the downed guards and shocks her obedience disc. An alarm goes off in the form of the Grandmaster saying "alarm alarm" in a bored tone.

Chrissy: I am half tempted to make that my wake up tone.

A giant holographic projection of the Grandmaster appears outside and he acknowledges all the "disharmony" that's been going on of late. "Many of you asking 'when are we getting more food? Why'd that lake turn to blood?'" Anyway, he'll get to that later...maybe...but for now he needs them to track down Metal Mojo Man. Behind Tony, Gamora has recovered and hisses that his ENTIRE RACE is WEAK and Thanos will "have his revenge."

Chrissy: What did we do to him, exactly? Besides stop his invasion of our planet, which...um...fair?

Tony calls her Thanos Jr. and asks if they dated or something.

Chrissy: Or was that just a dream I had about a green skinned woman nailing my ass? Wait...dreams in the MCU are just visions of alternate realities so the answer to both those questions would be yes.

Gamora snarls that he destroyed her father's Chitauri army and Tony realizes Thanos was the one who sent them. He starts raving about all the people who DIED in that battle and he lost a FRIEND and dude. Are you referring to Coulson? Because I have good news and bad news...

He ends with this ironic question: "do you know what it's like to see your home world destroyed?"

Emilio: Yes. Next question.
Diandra: Yeah, and it wasn't even the WHOLE world for you. Just one major city. Sit down.

She says he was lucky. Next time...he cuts her off to say there won't BE a next time and also dub her with another nickname: Xena.

Emilio: Hey, now. Xena was a hero. And also would have come up with a better alternative than "dumb human guy" or "talking tree" because she wouldn't limit herself to only the male options.
Diandra: Yeah, but the only female option was her sister, so.
Emilio: Adopted. Just like Thor and Loki, which are one of the biggest pairings in fanfiction, right?
Diandra: ........oh. Right. That might be the most common alternative pairing in fandom then, but also the most controversial because "incest".
Chrissy: I believe I have said this before, but it bears repeating: it isn't incest when they aren't even the same SPECIES.

Tony goes to push the button on the trigger again, but hesitates as the Grandmaster repeats that he MUST be tracked down because "he's not the hero we hoped. He's a very nasty, nasty man."

Emilio: Which is normally how I like them, but even I have limits.

Tony asks Korg if this guy is as bad as he seems. Korg could probably choose a better example, but for now he goes with "this one time, he used me as a paperweight." And, you know, paper is his nemesis. Are you SERIOUSLY still doing the rock paper scissors jokes, Taika? Tony stares at him like 'uhhhhhhhh' and Korg climbs into a ship and announces that the thrusters are ready. "Just say the word."

Chrissy: I can be ready in one minute. Oh, wait...what were we talking about? I heard the word "thrust" and kind of blanked the rest.
Emilio: Why is that not surprising?
Chrissy: Oh [blows a raspberry]

He says he's gonna save this planet then "for no greater reason than to piss you off and prove you wrong" before going after her dad. He gets on the ship and Korg takes off.

Somewhere above the city, Korg asks if he's really going to risk his neck for a bunch of strangers on "an alien junk planet." Tony growls that it's what he does. "I'm Iron Man." But they need to find a driver for whatever he's planning.

This is, of course, where Valkyrie comes back in. She still has the chinchilla that was licking her hand, which I guess is her pet now. Korg gives it a piece of food and gushes that he wants to name it Nikos after his friend Jeffrey.

Chrissy: Yeah, as a general rule when it comes to him...don't ask.

It jumps in his hands while Tony asks why the hell Valkyrie was in that death race because she doesn't seem stupid. She says she was trying to WIN. Tony asks what happened to the last winner. "He went to live on a farm with all the other winners," Korg says cheerfully. He keeps rambling about how at the farm they put you in a really plushy bed before putting you in the ground and putting a stone thing over your head...yeah, we did mention he's an idiot, right? Tony and Valkyrie stare at him and he adds that nobody dies and "they've got bunnies!"

Tony is like ANYWAY, he's guessing she does it for the thrill of the adrenaline rush. "So you can forget whatever mistake has you chasing that demon in a bottle." Valkyrie stops slugging from the latest bottle and corrects that it's Demon RUM and who the hell does he think he is to try to give HER advice? He says the Grandmaster cheats and deserves to be "taken down". She laughs that the two of THEM think they're going to overthrow the Grandmaster. Korg is distracted by the fact that the chinchilla is pooping in his hand now. Valkyrie agrees and lets Tony swig from her bottle, which makes him wheeze and fall on the floor.

Chrissy: Is my ass in the air again? Is Valkyrie appreciating the view?

Topaz opens the door to the cell they put Gamora in somewhere and warns her against trying anything stupid. Gamora is like 'oh, something like this?' and kicks the obedience disc trigger out of her hand, grabbing her melt stick and taking out all the guards with her.

We have a very Iron Man montage of Tony, Valkyrie and Korg (mostly the first two) doing mechanic stuff building a new suit. Valkyrie notes that the "spawn of Thanos" is after Tony. She says he should be running if that's true. Tony invokes "campground rules" of "always leave a place better than you found it", which seems tangential, but okay.

But apparently we needed to have that discussion so this next scene makes sense. Because Gamora is holding Grandmaster and Topaz hostage and Grandmaster is apologizing that he didn't realize she was Thanos' kid. (Actually, he says "offspring", which isn't accurate, but he might not know that.) "I want Tony Stark," she snarls.

Chrissy: Well, if you were willing to negotiate something less murder-y and more fun for both of us, I would have handed myself over by now.

Grandmaster doesn't know who "Tony Stark" is, so they trade stupid nicknames of "ho ho man" and "blasty hands". Grandmaster shrugs that he has no idea where Mojo Man is. This is Tony's cue to hijack the hologram projector and appear by the balcony, announcing his presence with a new nickname for the Grandmaster: Technicolor Dreamcoat. He is wearing the massive version of his suit that he built to illustrate the point that he could "take down this planet" if he wanted to, but its people have probably suffered enough, so he's just gonna challenge Grandmaster to a race instead. "Winner takes the planet." Topaz is confused because "we already have the planet."

Gamora snots that it's obviously a TRAP because Tony is considered a genius on his planet. Grandmaster thinks he's smarter because of course he does, so he agrees despite Topaz pointing out that there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to be doing this. His prize if he wins will be the suit.

Chrissy: Seeing as you apparently laid some sort of claim to it already, sure.

Gamora calls him an idiot for doing that, but he points out that now she knows exactly where he's gonna be, so that's a win, right? He triggers her obedience disc and says by the way...she's gonna race too.

Tony, Valkyrie and Korg walk out into the arena in slow motion, which Korg thanks them for "indulging" him by doing for no reason. Valkyrie runs to her car and Korg jumps in her sidecar. Grandmaster rolls out in a car with the same color scheme as Iron Man and Tony reminds him he can quit now before anyone gets hurt because he's NOT winning. Grandmaster summons Tony's vehicle which is a giant wheel with a bucket contraption that looks like an actual chariot. Topaz puts her melt stick on the front of one of the cars. Some goons manhandle Gamora into a car. Tony sticks his head in her passenger door and asks if she still plans to kill him. She glares and he's like 'I'll take that as a yes.' He sticks a communicator to the ceiling and says "let's keep in touch."

Of course since Grandmaster's hologram is the starting gun, as it were, Grandmaster starts the race long before anyone else. The Mad Max guy starts shooting down other cars. Valkyrie spins around and Korg punches out the underside of the vehicle, destroying it. Grandmaster pushes a button that opens a tunnel door and they all race around on the neon lit walls.

Chrissy: Yeah, I can see why this episode might have taken longer to animate than the others.

Tony turns to address "Oscar the Grouch". "I'm the last one to give a lecture on daddy issues. My dad was a far cry from Atticus Finch." Gamora finally is like I DON'T KNOW ANY OF YOUR REFERENCES YOU MORON. He asks who SHE is, independent of her father. She says she's a murderess.

A bright light comes up at the end of the tunnel and Tony yelps as they all go sailing straight off the sharp downward ramp, some of the cars crashing immediately upon touching the ground again. Of course, Tony, Valkyrie, Gamora, Grandmaster and Topaz are all fine. Tony spots Gamora and snarks that he's SO happy she made it. She aims weapons at him and he calls her Lady Grinch and calls for help. Valkyrie blasts a car into her path to disrupt her weapons lock. Topaz reaches Tony's chariot and hits it with the melt stick. He leaps free and his suit blasts apart and forms itself into a car, which he falls into the driver's seat of. He knocks Topaz into the barrier.

Because Grandmaster cheats, he engages spikey columns in the roadway behind him, smashing a few more cars not being driven by the main players. Gamora blasts at Tony again and he takes that as his cue to return to the conversation about fathers and he understands doing stuff you're not proud of to try to get out from under that shadow and...Anyway, the point is that people can change. Neither of them is their fathers.

Meanwhile, Grandmaster is getting distracted by his own statue as he drives past it. Because of course he is.

Chrissy: I think we can all agree that if he were to meet other versions of himself through the multiverse, he would definitely try to fuck them.
Diandra and Emilio: Yes.

He pushes another couple buttons and two more giant mutant elephants run alongside the road, crossing to block every car after Grandmaster. Tony is like I'M GONNA FINISH THIS SPEECH BEFORE WE ALL DIE HORRIBLY. "You get to decide who you wanna be. Not your father. Not your past." He asks who she really is. The Daughter of Thanos or...actually, what is her name? She hesitates, says her name is Gamora and fires all her weapons at the mutant elephants. Tony sails by as they starts falling. Gamora hits one and starts pinballing, landing upside down. She growls that this isn't over.

Back on the track, the leaderboard shows three remaining drivers: Grandmaster, Tony and Valkyrie, in that order. Grandmaster sets off explosions in the tunnel after he exits, which knocks out Valkyrie. She assures Tony she's fine and he should just focus on winning. They switch places a couple times before Tony activates his arc reactor to give himself an extra boost. He sails past Grandmaster at the last second, crossing the finish line first. The audience cheers. Tony skids to a stop and the car reforms into a suit around him. Grandmaster gets out next to him and bullshits that it was a tie and since the rules clearly state that he gets to decide who won in that event...

Emilio: I'm gonna get some electors in Michigan to overturn the result...
Diandra: Ugh.

The audience has turned against him, obviously, and they boo and start throwing things. Tony says he definitely won and magnanimously doesn't point out all the ways Grandmaster tried to make sure he didn't. Topaz comes roaring around the corner, melt stick aimed at Tony. Valkyrie gets her vehicle started again and smashes into her, the melt stick flying into the air and landing next to Grandmaster, slowly rolling until it touches his foot. Grandmaster does his best Wicked Witch of the West impression as he starts melting, then decides hey, that kind of feels good actually. "Ooo...viscous." Korg groans that he smells like "bad life choices."

Valkyrie climbs out of her vehicle to cheers and confetti. She swaggers over to Tony, who notes that they may have just voted her their new king. Which is really gonna screw with Asgard later, but sure. She asks if Korg will be her special council.

Sometime later, the three of them toast to "leaving a place better than you found it", which Valkyrie is considering making her modus operandi. Tony violently spits out his first sip, expressing the wish that he could have "just ONE drink that doesn't taste like a theme park urinal."

Emilio: How would he actually know what THAT tastes like?
Chrissy: The 90s man. It was really bad. I woke up naked in places I should DEFINITELY not have been.
Diandra: Oh jesus, are we really invoking Robert Downey Jr.'s drug history here? Let's just...move on.

Valkyrie asks, obviously not for the first time, if she can convince him to stay. He says Pepper is waiting for him.

Chrissy: Unless time working differently here means it's been years and she's moved on with...like...Happy or something? Nah, that would be ridiculous.

Korg says he personally prefers salt. Because dad jokes are always hilarious. [/sarcasm]

So Tony gets in a ship, but Gamora comes out of the shadows before he can take off, saying she is NOT going back to her father without him. In case you were wondering why Josh Brolin was in the credits.

She brings a handcuffed Tony to Thanos, sitting on his throne, while the Watcher rambles about people being the biggest factors in the outcome of a battle. "It's connection. It's love. Friendship." Thanos says he expected more from the legendary "Iron Man". Gamora jokes that someone finally got his name right. "It's knowing someone has your back in a fight," The Watcher adds as Gamora suddenly launches toward Thanos and Tony yanks the melt stick from who knows where to throw after her. She catches it and jabs it into Thanos' chest plate.

In what might be the only mid credit scene of this season, Topaz blinks at the burbling puddle with a face that was Grandmaster. He gurgles at her to get a bucket and sponge him up.

Emilio: MOISTURIZE ME.
Chrissy: Yeah, I don't have to know Doctor Who to recognize that reference.

MOISTURIZE ME!

Episode 5: What If...Captain Carter fought the Hydra Stomper (or: Captain Winter Widow)

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Samuel Fuckin' L Jackson, Hayley Atwell, Lake Bell, Frank Grillo, Josh Keaton, Sebastian Stan, Rachel Weisz, Elizabeth Olson

We begin with the Chitauri attack from Avengers 1 already in progress, except instead of Captain America, we have Captain Carter. And The Wasp instead of The Hulk. They do the move where Nat uses the shield as a spring board to get onto one of the ships and Peggy jumps on another. They both end up on the Avengers tower where the Tesseract is opening the wormhole. Loki is standing in front of it but because we apparently aren't paying Tom to do THIS episode, he doesn't say anything. They both leap on him and we go to credits, which features all the expected Captain America characters, but takes a sharp left toward the end.

Chrissy: Have we talked about how they are not doing the surprise guest voice thing this season yet?
Diandra: No, but it's definitely going to be a thing for the next couple episodes.

Now we get the previouslies in the form of the Watcher noting that he doesn't usually do sequels because "what's the point of revisiting a story when there are infinite stories to be told?" Which is my philosophy when it comes to watching movies and TV shows, actually, hence why my memory seems so bad. I'm watching all these MCU things for the second time only so I can write a recap but they are full of references only the people who watch a half a dozen times at least will catch. Anyway. He says Peggy is unique though, and "quite literally ahead of her time" and there's only one variant of Captain Carter that he would consider a friend because she was part of the Guardians of the Multiverse. He reminds us of what that was...again...and that he returned them all to their universes at the moment he plucked them after they finished the mission. Except Peggy. And Doctor Strange, but we'll get to that later.

We replay the scene from Winter Soldier (I think) where Nat picks up Steve while he's out on a run. Except this time it's Peggy in the car and Nat running. Nat snarks that she could JOIN her one of these days. Peggy shrugs that running in circles isn't her idea of a fun time.

Emilio: Now, if you were to suggest a DIFFERENT activity that would make us all sweaty...
Diandra: Wait...who are you?
Emilio: The WidowCarter shipper.
Diandra: Is...that a thing?
Emilio: The name? Sadly, no. It's so rare they use the stupid name PeggyNat.
Chrissy: Could have at least used the fact that "peg" is right in her name. Although the best sounding possibility THERE is probably PegaStark, so...
Diandra: Ugh. You managed to bring this into this episode too?
Emilio: Honestly, that would be the most likely way they would make Captain America/Iron Man canon.
Diandra: That's basically the reverse of the thing I found when I was looking up Marvel universes: the one where the Civil War never happened because Steve Rogers is married to NATASHA Stark.
Chrissy: Are you writing a fic about that?
Diandra: No.
Emilio: I mean, that WOULD work with the Holderdowner thing...
Chrissy: The what now?
Diandra: NO.
Emilio: Or maybe Tony designed that as a favor for Nat and/or Peggy.
Diandra: No, if he designed it, it would definitely be for his own use. Why am I entertaining this? MOVING ON.

This is what we're talking about. It was in the Family Guy game and I posted this picture to Facebook.

Peggy says Fury has a job for them and maybe Nat can consider it "extra cardio".

Emilio: Again...can think of better ways to get that.

Flash to the teaser at the end of that first episode, where Nat shows Peggy the thing the pirates were trying to get at on the ship: The Hydra Stomper with Steve still inside it. This time, as Peggy is peeking in the window, the Hydra Stomper powers up and raises a fist to shoot. Nat tackles her out of the way of the blast and mutters that it's not really Steve anymore as it stomps toward them. "More like RoboCop." Peggy doesn't get that reference, so Nat promises to rent it if they get out of this.

They run around on the deck of the ship away from the blasting HydraSteve, over and through a maze of shipping crates and barricades. HydraSteve finally just flies into the air to take a dive bomb at them and Peggy throws her shield in his face. The faceplate comes off and she meets eyes with a dazed, bearded Steve as he flies by. He goes back up into the air and the faceplate comes down again. They run and dive overboard just ahead of his launched missiles.

Then we jump right to Peggy yelling at Fury that they told her Steve had DIED in 1953 while on a mission in Argentina. Fury says he DID because after the war he and Bucky went on a mission to destroy every HYDRA base in the world and he died on that last one. Although there have been those rumors about a Hydra Stomper since a decade later... Peggy asks why she wasn't debriefed on that. Fury says for the same reason they didn't debrief her on Bigfoot. While she's blinking in confusion at that he says that if the rumors ARE true, then the Hydra Stomper has committed a LOT of terrorist acts and killed a LOT of SHIELD agents. Peggy says Steve would NEVER. Nat cuts in that he would if the Red Room is controlling him. Aaaaaaand here's where the timing of this show was important. A lot of episodes this season require you to know things that have happened since Endgame.

Chrissy: Everything requires knowledge of everything else now. That's why you're doing these recaps.
Diandra: And yet you should see the number of "Deadpool" fans who are pissed that the third movie is going to reference stuff they would know already if they had watched "Loki".
Chrissy: Oh, that's gonna be fun.

Fury agrees that there WAS a rumor about the Red Room housing the Hydra Stomper. Peggy asks why Nat never mentioned this before. Nat mumbles that there was no need to break Peggy's heart twice. Fury is like MEANWHILE we need to figure out why he was on that boat. They can start with the signals they intercepted that suggest what his next target is. Peggy announces that she'll lead the team and they should have medical on hand for when they catch him. Fury suggests that maybe she shouldn't be on this mission. Because even if only SOME of the rumors are true, the Hydra Stomper would still be the most dangerous assassin in the world.

Diandra: I just realized the answer to our question last season about whether this world has a Winter Soldier.
Chrissy: Just now? Were you CONSCIOUS the first time you saw this episode?
Diandra: I just...didn't make the connection. Like it took me a while to figure out Terrance Howard and Don Cheadle were the same character.
Chrissy: Were these movies just a series of fight scenes and explosions to you before you started recapping them?
Diandra: Uh...yeah. Basically.

Peggy argues that she's fine. She has a shield. Fury is like 'yeah, that ain't gonna do shit.' Nat pleads that the man she knew as Steve Rogers has been dead since the 50s. "That thing? It's not human." Peggy disregards this and just asks what the mission the "thing" is being sent on is.

Senator Bucky, allowed to become an old man in this universe, is having a meeting with a bunch of high level people via the holographic tech we've seen in several of the Infinity Saga movies. They are arguing about a Sokovian aid package that Bucky argues should include things like schools and roads if they don't want a future civil war on their hands. The guy who has managed to be in every single Captain America adjacent thing bursts in to announce that they need to move Bucky to a secure location because they think somebody may be trying to kill him. He reminds them that he has "punched Nazis and shared beers with aliens", so he can handle himself. Which is the cue for HydraSteve to fly up to the window outside and start shooting. Everyone scrambles to cover Bucky and Peggy slides in with her shield to deflect fire while they clear the room.

Ops room, Fury orders Nat to get "out there" and assures her she has the authority to shoot "it" down.

Planes scramble. The guards are escorting Bucky up to the roof (taking the stairs, not the elevator thankfully). Bucky asks who is in the suit. Peggy, who is following for some reason, says it's Steve. She asks what's powering the suit since it can't be the tesseract. Bucky says it's something Howard came up with after the war. "Probably a mix of plutonium and pomade." She thinks that means she can break it. HydraSteve crashes into the stairwell below and Peggy leaps down to meet him as he flies up, knocking him back down to some level. He crashes through a window and starts flying up to the roof from outside. Which is where Fury's jets, led by Nat, start shooting. He takes out one of them basically by accident, ripping the wing off. It crashes into the chopper pad just as Bucky reaches it and he is shoved back inside. The guards and Bucky get down to some safe floor, but HydraSteve blasts through to the hall behind them. Nat's plane hovers outside the window at the end of the hall and everyone hits the deck so she can shoot. She announces to Fury that she has a clear line of sight and Peggy screams at her not to take the shot. Because of course she does. Nat would probably ignore the command except Bucky stands up and puts himself in the line of fire because "Steve would be stupid enough to do the same for me."

Chrissy: That's...quite the way of putting it.
Diandra: I mean...it's not wrong.
Chrissy: Oh, it's DEFINITELY not wrong.

Bucky tries to talk to Steve, offering to get him a drink and...

Chrissy: ...take out his trash.
Diandra: WHY IS THIS ALWAYS THE FIRST THING YOU REMEMBER?

HydraSteve hesitates, looks like maybe he's going to stand down, then goes to shoot again. Luckily, this bought enough time for Peggy to arrive and she starts kicking the crap out of him while the agents bark at her to get out of there. She yells "he is mine" and clings to his back as he fires up his boosters and blasts through the ceilings. All of them.

Chrissy: Yeah, we've completely ruined the structural integrity of this building and created millions of dollars of damage, but we're in a universe that has superheroes, so we don't care.
Diandra: Until we do.

They fly through the air for a while and she manages to knock him out, then frets because he's falling thousands of feet toward the ground. She dives toward him and screams at Steve to wake up. Nat flies her plane in front of where they are falling and opens the back hatch, calling "hey Peg, I got you."

Chrissy: I'M WIDE OPEN AND READY! PEG ME!
Diandra: Okay, if anyone needs me, I'll be curled in a fetal position somewhere, regretting all of my life choices. Thanks.
Emilio: Does that mean you're not gonna write that fic?

Peggy flies HydraSteve into the hangar and Nat almost doesn't pull up in time to avoid slamming into the bay outside the tridick building.

Chrissy: That's what YOU remember?

Peggy thanks Nat, who just shrugs that she's a "sucker for a good love story."

Nat flies them all the way to Scotland. Specifically, a small island nobody has ever heard of so they can hide in the lighthouse that might be the only building on the island.

Chrissy: Well, there's also a pop up village on the other side and this one underground bunker with a button you have to push every 108 minutes.
Diandra: I love you.

Inside the lighthouse, apparently, is a set up that looks distressingly like Frankenstein's lab, although I could just be getting that impression because there's a thunderstorm going on outside.

Emilio: IT'S ALIVE!!!!
Diandra: Glad I'm not the only one who sees it.

Peggy notes that according to the monitors, he's still alive inside the suit. Nat corrects that the suit is KEEPING him alive. They can't remove it without killing him. Steve breathes loudly and Nat says the suit is rebooting, so all they can do is "see who's at the controls when he wakes up." She pours them some sort of liquor while they wait and Peggy looks at the "readouts" that suggest the odds of Steve surviving reactivation decline each time it is attempted, which explains why the Hydra Stomper was used so infrequently. "No fun playing Russian roulette with biotech," Nat jokes. She starts to ask if they should... Peggy apparently can read her mind and says no before she even finishes the sentence. Nat says fine, not Stark. Banner, at least? Peggy still says no. Nat says turning it off and turning it back on isn't gonna be enough here. They need SOMEBODY who knows tech. Peggy says they don't have time to let either of the seven phDs "play mad scientist." Everyone is hunting Steve after that attempted attack. "Best case scenario? He winds up stuck in some prison frozen in carbonite."

Chrissy: You don't get 90% of the references anybody makes, but you know Star Wars?
Emilio: She has her priorities straight.

Nat notes that this is how Peggy is spending her Saturday nights like 'guess that explains the lack of dating'. Peggy disregards this and announces that they need to go to the Red Room because if anyone has a cure, that's where it would be. "You know, I always wondered how you got all those GI boys to follow a woman into war," Nat muses. Which...yeah, I guess it is highly unlikely in any reality remotely like this one and it begs the question: was this universe less misogynist to begin with or is it less misogynist now BECAUSE of Peggy being the super soldier?

Chrissy: Are you writing an alt history somewhere, or...

Peggy asks if she's in or not. Nat rambles about spending five days in a Hungarian sewer before she joined SHIELD so she could hunt down the leader of the Red Room.

Chrissy: This is one of the ways this universe is different, isn't it? This didn't happen until later?
Diandra: Yeah, but it's probably driven mostly by the inability to get the actor back.

Peggy asks if she's SURE he was dead. Nat says she stabbed him in the carotid with a corkscrew, so yeah, but that didn't take down the Red Room because nobody knows where that is. Not even SHIELD. This is the other difference. From behind them, Steve offers to take them to it. Nat pulls a gun and snarls at Peggy to get back. Steve tosses out the universal reference to still owing her a date. She cradles his face and makes doe eyes at him and Nat slowly stands down.

Steve flies alongside the jet, guiding the women to the Red Room, which he identifies as a Sokovian military base formerly used for KGB training only as they are in final approach. Yeah, because they won't just shoot you down. The reason he's mentioning it now I guess is so Nat can explain why it looks the way it does: the KGB wanted it to look like some American clich� right out of a John Mellencamp song. She tries to explain who that is to Peggy, but Peggy already knows because "Barton introduced me to Dad Rock."

Diandra: Although I'm still not sure who Jack and Diane are.
Chrissy: You know...every time you make a musical or television reference, you show your age.
Diandra: Oh, everybody knows that song! And several others, but I couldn't think of a way to work in, like, "you give love a bad name."
Chrissy: ...................
Emilio: That's...
Chrissy: Wait, no, see if she can work it out on her own.
Diandra: Is that not John Mellencamp?
Emilio: No, it's Jon Bon Jovi.
Diandra: Oh.
Chrissy: At least you are consistent in your inability to distinguish people with similar names. And your inability to recognize voices.

They land and walk down a street full of suburban cookie cutter houses with mannequins on the lawns and speakers blaring things like "baseball and apple pie!"

Diandra: I'm pretty sure Wanda did a better job of this.

"You smell that air? That's the smell of freedom!"

Diandra: No, wait...that one's accurate.
Chrissy: Only if the guy saying it is wearing a flag and waving a gun.

A bad animatronic 50s housewife waves from behind some laundry and says "well, hi there, neighbor! I love America!" Like a psychopath.

Emilio: I mean...it IS a fair depiction of what the rest of the world thinks Americans are like.

Peggy shudders and says it feels like a horror movie, which...yes. Definitely. Steve says he sent a message to the Red Room that he was having mechanical issues and needed transport, but it will take a while for it to get here. He and Peggy stare at each other and Nat notes that this is getting awkward and she's just gonna...go...over...there... somewhere.

Apparently it takes a LONG time for them to send transportation because the next scene has the sun setting while Peggy and Steve talk in a park gazebo. He says he doesn't remember much because any time he was conscious the suit was in control and he was watching everything it did in a dazed fog. Apparently they are just playing catch up right now because she returns that she "walked through a door" and ended up in the 21st century. Yeah, we were there Peggy. I would hardly call that a "door", but I suppose if you don't want to go into lengthy details...as a writer I would say that if that was the case then this scene would have worked better if we'd started with the tail end of her story and then moved to him, whose story we don't know. But whatever. Not my monkeys. He asks what the "future" is like. She says everything moves faster, even the news. He asks about the dancing. She says no, that's still slow.

Diandra: Although there's basically no steps or coordination anymore, so it's just random gyrations to loud, thumping music.
Chrissy: Why are you talking like a Boomer now?
Diandra: Am I?

A couple mechanical women with insane smiles "walk" by with a baby stroller and coo "aww, a baby!" This prompts Peggy to ask why Steve didn't have a wife and 2.4 children after the war ended like Bucky.

Chrissy: So we're already forgetting that that was probably AFTER the destroy Hydra mission that ended with him being "killed" and stuffed inside a murderbot?
Diandra: Shh, we need to establish that he was devastated and unable to love again after Peggy disappeared.

He says as much, adding that for as long as he was working on a mission, he could pretend she wasn't gone. Which makes sense because that's a totally normal way to cope with grief and I believe it's what she did in the prime reality. They go to kiss and a taser like "widow bite" zaps her in the neck. They look up to find all of the mannequins watching them like this is, in fact, a horror movie. One of the "babies" raises an arm, which turns out to conceal a gun and all the other mannequins cock guns hidden in their arms while saying chipper things like "who wants apple pie?"

Chrissy: Ahem. So as I was saying about accuracy...

Steve flips down the faceplate and flies through the shooting crowd with Peggy riding his back, smacking a few murderbots with the shield before jumping off and slicing a stroller in half.

Chrissy: That's...quite the imagery.
Emilio: Anakin would approve.

The murderbots surround her, saying things like "I just love shopping" and "lovely weather".

Diandra: That last one is a midwesterner.

She and Steve start mowing them all down. She yelps that he forgot to mention this part. He apologizes that his memory is a little "fuzzy".

Chrissy: Gotta love when they prove our years old roleplay assignments right.
Diandra: Why? Who played St-...oh, right.
Chrissy: Thanks for proving my point.

Nat parkours in to help the fight and Peggy asks if Russia really thought America was like this. Nat shrugs that they don't get cable TV. Which is why they relied on movies from the 50s or earlier? It turns out the bots are shooting widow bites, not bullets. The Hydra Stomper powers down suddenly, and Nat and Peggy are both shocked into stopping. Then the Red Room appears above the cloud cover in the sky. The murder bots apparently just disappear and Melina appears, flanked by a few widows.

Casual viewers: huh? What? Are we supposed to know who that is?

Melina pushes a remote button and orders The Hydra Stomper to "report". Steve's voice confirms that he accomplished the mission and he aims his blasters at Peggy. Peggy asks what the hell she did to him.

Chrissy: Just...don't ask. It's better if you don't know about the pheromone thing.

Nat asks what the "mission accomplished" thing means since he failed to kill Bucky. Melina is like 'oh, you thought that's what we sent him to do and you "rebooted" him and he brought you here because it was your idea? That's adorable.' Peggy sighs that Nat can feel free to say "I told you so" now. Nat says later because she doesn't want to fight in front of her mom...er, sort of mom. Peggy says they can "unpack that" later.

Melina says the plan was to get them away from SHIELD and the Avengers. Peggy summarizes that it was ALL part of the trap then, going back to Steve being on the ship. Melina says Peggy is the "epitome of womanhood and science. I don't know whether to kiss you, kill you or dissect you."

Chrissy: I believe it usually goes "fuck, marry, kill" actually...

Peggy guesses she's leaning toward all three, maybe in that order. Melina brightly declares that a good plan, then goes back to talking about how all little girls dream of becoming Captain Carter, even in Russia. All the widows have seen the movie. Peggy yelps "there was a MOVIE?" Nat says it was a musical. Are...are we this determined to make the Rogers musical a thing in ALL realities? Really?

Emilio: Yes. [sings] I can do this all daaaaaaaaay.
Diandra: Eauuuuggghhhhh.

Melina offers them two choices: come quietly and willingly, or... She trails off and Nat and Peggy drop into fighting poses. Melina is like 'or that, yes. We can do that.' She shrugs off her coat to reveal her own spandex suit and growls "get her". HydraSteve grabs Peggy and flies into the nearest building. The widows raise their weapons and Nat shoots double fisted at them before diving behind the gazebo wall. HydraSteve flies through SEVERAL buildings with Peggy before coming to a stop and turning to fight her. She yelps that this ISN'T him between blows.

Chrissy: Steve could actually finish me off.
Diandra: .............why are we remembering this little detail from the Winter Soldier recap NOW?
Chrissy: Oh good, you recognized it. Because this whole thing is The Winter Widow. Ooo, that would make a good subtitle for this episode.

Meanwhile, the Widows collapse the gazebo, but Nat is already disappearing between houses across the street. They give chase.

HydraSteve and Peggy end up on the water tower, with him still fighting and her still trying to break through his programing. He fires at the beams so the whole water tower starts crashing...right in the path of Nat running across rooftops. Nat just makes it to the other side and Peggy jumps off before it lands. HydraSteve and the Widows creep through the settling dust. Peggy's voice seems to come from somewhere, possibly one of the mannequins, reminding Steve about his promised date. The Widows shoot through the wall of the building Nat landed in and HydraSteve shoots at whatever moves past him that might be Peggy. Once the front of the building looks like swiss cheese, the Widows go inside, where Nat drops down from the ceiling and starts fighting. HydraSteve throws a car at Peggy, which she manages to roll off the shield. The second car knocks her down. Instead of throwing the third, he just starts swinging it at her like a bat. Melina hovers near the Widows, shouting instructions. Most of them are unhelpful, but she tells one to aim for Nat's left knee, which she damaged in a bike accident as a child. This does work briefly, but then Nat rolls over to grab a discarded mannequin arm/electro launcher and knocks them all down with widow bites. Melina roars and launches at Nat herself.

HydraSteve throws a car that explodes, then starts machine gunning the shield when Peggy still gets up. She presses close enough to hit him with the shield, flipping up the faceplate. She repeats that this isn't HIM and drops the shield. "I've been fighting for so long. To end the war. To forget what I lost. I...I'm tired."

Melina gets Nat on her back and starts choking her, ranting about how she was SUCH a great killing machine, but she just HAD to go and become an Avenger.

Peggy says she just wants to be with Steve even if that means dying now. Uh...not sure that's how that's gonna work. Something seems to click behind his eyes and he backs up and looks up at the Red Room shining a spotlight down on them. Peggy realizes what he's thinking and starts yelping "no" over and over because "I can't lose you again." He flips down the faceplate and takes off while she screams.

Nat sees him flying toward the Red Room over Melina's shoulder, headbutts her and, while she's recovering, fires a line that wraps around HydraSteve's ankle. Melina gets the upper hand again and Nat just smirks as she returns to choking her. Because it turns out she attached the other end of the line to Melina. Once it reaches the end of the line, she is ripped screaming along with Steve. Steve fires into the ship ahead of him and the whole thing starts exploding and falling out of the sky. Peggy runs to Nat to shield her from falling debris and help her run clear.

From a distance, we see the whole ship fall on top of the town and fireball, with the Watcher looking on. He notes that this isn't exactly a happy ending, but this still isn't the end of Peggy's story, so don't worry.

Parking garage of the Avengers building. We know that's what it is because there's a giant A over the door. Nat meets Peggy going out to a car. She asks if Stark knows she's stealing his car.

Chrissy: Not stealing. She promised a favor in return.
Diandra: [freezes] [looks to Emilio, who shrugs] [braces] Do I want to...
Chrissy: Peg-a-Stark.
Diandra: Yeah, I thought so.

Nat asks if she was really planning to leave without saying goodbye. Peggy non answers that Steve is "out there somewhere. And I know you don't believe he can be saved, but I do." Nat shrugs and invites herself to join in then. The Watcher hovers behind her and intones "I am the Watcher. I see all. I observe all. I know...what the hell is this?" Crackling red energy snakes toward Peggy and forms a portal under her. Nat, already most of the way around the car, leaps over the hood to try to grab her, but is just a second too late. She beats the ground and yells "where are you?" The Watcher mutters that that's a good question actually and we smash to black.

And somewhere, Peggy wakes up on the ground in what sounds like a swamp. What looks like a Shakespearean version of Fury hovers over her and asks if this is "the one who can save our Queen." Wanda steps next to him and corrects that "she will save our world." Peggy starts calling for the Watcher because WHAT THE FUCK.

Smash to credits. To be continued, obviously.

Chrissy: No, but seriously, are you gonna write that fic?
Diandra: So yes, as you said at the beginning of the episode, this is a thing they're doing new this season: just putting all the names in the opening credits. No surprises like we did last season.
Chrissy: You're going to pretend I didn't say anything just now, huh?
Diandra: The result is that you spend the entire episode trying to figure out how Scarlet Witch fits into this story and then "oh, she doesn't. She's just in the mid-credit scene that isn't a mid-credit scene."
Chrissy: I'll take that as a yes. Mmkay.

This will come up again in the next episode, so I'm not gonna make this half any longer than it needs to be. And by "this" I mean the putting everyone's name in the beginning credits thing. Not the Peg-a-Stark thing. Hopefully.