What If... season 2, part 2

"What If..." Season 2, Episodes 6-9

Episode 6: What If Kahhori Reshaped the World? (or: What If We Created a Completely New Character?)

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Devery Jacobs, Kiawentiio, Jeremy White, Gabriel Romero, Carolina Ravassa, Clancy Brown, Jeff Bergman, and because fuck you, we're not doing surprise guest spots this season: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Chrissy: They also put that halfway through the credits for some reason, which makes it look like Doctor Strange should be playing a bigger part. Which is not at ALL confusing.
Diandra: Yeah, that tracks with putting Gamora last on the episode pushed from last season. I mean...we were probably not supposed to expect The Watcher would pull HER for the Guardians instead of Tony. Maybe they thought we wouldn't notice the name drops. Or would forget at some point during the episode and stop wondering when the known character is going to make an appearance.
Chrissy: Well, in your case that would be a pretty safe bet.
Diandra: You know...

We begin with the Watcher noting that Asgard suffers the same ultimate fate throughout most of the multiverse. The apocalyptic end-of-days myth known as Ragnarok. "In your universe, Odin entrusted the tesseract to a village on earth after achieving an age of peace."

Chrissy: He what now?
Diandra: Oh, good, I didn't want to say anything and have you make fun of my memory again.

Anyway, in this universe, Ragnarok happened sooner, I guess, and Odin is holding the tesseract when Abaddon destroys Asgard with his giant sword.

Emilio: ..........you mean Sutur?
Diandra: Where did I get the name Abaddon from?
Chrissy: "Torchwood." I'm gonna give you a pass on that one because they do look very similar.

So because the tesseract couldn't be destroyed...er...um...have they changed that? No? Whatever. When Asgard blew apart, it sailed toward Earth, crash landing in the forests of what would eventually become America (or maybe Canada) a couple centuries early. I know, this sounds like the origins of Marvel 1602 and since that last episode teased that was coming...but no, this is another universe.

Now. This episode is going to be by necessity mostly exposition and backstory, but I feel like we should get some stuff out of the way right at the beginning. Mostly ranting. The initial positive response to this episode surprised me as every effort to diversify this universe has been met by spittle flecked rage from the white boys who think they are THE target audience for comic books. They might have been too focused on review bombing "The Marvels" and screeching about how NOBODY wanted "Echo" to notice this one. But complaints about this would be especially hypocritical as many of them have been insisting all along that the real problem is changing the race or sex of an existing character instead of making a whole new one. This is an original hero, a native American girl, who speaks her native language (Mohawk) this entire episode (with a brief switch to Spanish at the end). Of course, the hypocritical response is absolutely expected because as the meme says, when the Powers That Be actually DO create an original character OR a totally comics accurate character the fanboys happen to not like, the response is always "nO noT lIkE thAt."

We begin with some native women picking corn in a field. Our new character watches them cook it over a fire at home, then starts playing a game of tag or something with a boy we can probably assume is her brother even though it is not said here, running into the corn field just at the edge of the village. We establish their names as he gives chase: she is Kahhori and he is Wahta. They go through a forest, across a river and up a hill and he begs her to stop because he needs air and water. She spots a skeleton propped against a tree and suggests maybe avoiding drinking the water around here. By way of possible explanation, Wahta says the elders warned them not to go near the "old battlefield" because it is "cursed". She says it's only cursed because nobody "cleansed" it after the battle. She further exposits about the lake containing "great power" that takes people to the "sky world". The battle that was fought there was about who got to control the lake. Kahhori thinks it was ridiculous because the lake should have "brought them together." Wahta yelps that the lake EATS people.

Before we can explore that, Kahhori shushes him and walks through a part in the trees to the "forbidden" lake they are talking about. Wahta notes that it's...smaller than it should be.

Chrissy: Yeah, you might want to get used to that disappointment now, kid.

Kahhori agrees that this can't be the "lake" and there doesn't seem to be anything about it worth considering it "forbidden". She points to the group of mallards floating on it like 'the animals are not afraid of it, so that's a sign.' Some birds take off overhead at a rumbling sound and Wahta asks if that's thunder.

It turns out it's actually the village catching fire. Because the colonizers have already arrived. They creep back and peer from the edge of the cornfield in horror until a Spaniard on a horseback spots them and gives chase. The Spaniards chase them all the way back through the forest and up the hill, where they fall through a soft patch of Earth into a cave. They run a short distance through the cave system and basically immediately come to another lake. This one a very bright blue that seems to be lit from beneath. Kahhori mutters that the elders were wrong. The lake up on the surface was just a decoy. One of the Spaniards falls into the tunnel and they hide. He is immediately distracted by the lake and when another conquistador calls down to him, he yells back that he thinks he found what they were looking for.

The boy makes a noise and the conquistador remembers what he was doing before. He starts in that direction and Kahhori comes out of hiding to throw rocks at him. He goes to shoot her and Wahta leaps out to try to wrestle the gun from him. The other conquistador arrives and shoots her. Wahta yelps as she falls into the water and disappears. A third conquistador arrives and they take the boy captive.

Meanwhile, Kahhori wakes up as she's floating toward the glowing tesseract at the bottom of the lake. She has enough time to catch sight of it before being sucked in...and spit out in the middle of a clearing somewhere. She squints up at the glowing blue portal in the sky and I can't be the only one who half expects a dinosaur to run by, right?

Emilio: Pretty sure you can't get to the Savage Land like that.
Chrissy: I think she's talking about "La Brea".
Emilio: Oh. There weren't really dinosaurs in that, were there? I didn't see much of it.
Diandra: Good for you. It wasn't great. And maybe there weren't dinosaurs until late in the show and I'm just confusing it with "Terra Nova". And before you say it, Chrissy, that is easy to do because they are basically the same premise, but as I recall "Terra Nova" didn't look like it was written by an AI as a high school history project.
Chrissy: ...so is there anything you WON'T watch just because it mentions time travel in the description?
Diandra: Probably not. I once watched a romantic drama (I guess?) with Orlando Bloom about a world that invented time travel and a sci fi action movie about Star Lord going into the future to find his daughter Selina Kyle and stop an alien invasion in the same week.
Emilio: Do you remember the names of either of those?
Diandra: ...........uh...........
Chrissy: She can't even remember the names of either of the actors in the second one.
Diandra: Republican Chris and Yvonne Stravarius?
Chrissy: Oy.

These two, apparently.

A Mohawk guy with glowing blue eyes and what looks like blue tracklight patterns on his upper body welcomes her to Sky World.

Diandra: So how DO you get to Savage Land? All I know is that it sounds kind of like the hollow earth theory of King Kong/Monarch universe...
Chrissy: [groan] Not another reference...
Diandra: ...Do they get to it via the tesseract or some sort of portal?
Emilio: No, it's just in the middle of Antarctica. But this could be the way the MCU retcons it.

The Sky World guy morphs into the Watcher, who backtracks to explain that when the tesseract landed in the New World, it cracked and released "Space Stone energy", giving power to the lake the same way the meteorite or whatever did to Wakanda. When people disappeared into the water and were never seen again, "greed and grief" prompted the surrounding native nations to fight each other. When they finally declared peace, they called the lake "cursed" and "forbidden" to discourage anyone else from going near it ever again.

Kahhori passes out and wakes up sometime later in a huge tent like structure. She searches for the bullet wound, but there doesn't seem to be one. She goes outside calling for Wahta and frowns at what looks like an alien planetary system in the sky.

Chrissy: Oh, it's Pandora. Cool.
Diandra: So it's fine if YOU do it?
Chrissy: Mine is recognizable to the average movie goer.

A whole tribe is milling around, all with some sort of glowing blue on their clothing or bodies somewhere. One guy is using the glowing blue energy surrounding his hands to tend a fire. She asks out loud what the HELL this is. The guy who greeted her returns to exposit that the light she fell through is a "spirit" that infuses everything here. He has a blue stone hovering magically over his hand and he tosses it into a passing woman's basket. We see another woman in the distance controlling tiny rain clouds in both hands to water crops and a couple men using the glowing blue energy to cut trees as the guy explains that they take in this energy every time they eat the food grown here. Which is bound to happen to her too now. She's like 'wait, hold up...what?' He's like 'right, we forgot the introductions'...my name is Atahraks. She introduces herself. He says she fell through a portal in the lake and now they're standing in front of scenery worthy of John Ford. She mutters that it was the Forbidden Lake. He's like 'oh...it's forbidden now? Yeah, that makes sense.' A lot of people went missing in it when he was a kid. She neglects to ask how long ago that was, being too concerned with getting back because her village was under attack. She runs off, although it's not like she can just jump high enough to get back through the portal. Atahraks finds her as she's coming to this conclusion, staring up at the sky. "We fall into this paradise," he says. "We do not age. We do not die. Because we are meant to be here permanently."

John Wayne might be riding in circles down there somewhere...

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the lead conquistador introduces himself as Rodrigo Alphonso Gonzolo, which sounds like the kind of name you would come up with in Spanish class. He says he has come to claim the Fountain of Youth in the name of Queen Isabella because they've heard the legends about a "forbidden lake" and figure that's it. He points his pistol at one woman's head and demands to know where it is. She just stares him down until the two guys who fell in that cave return with Wahta and announce that they found it.

Sky World. Kahhori is climbing a tree. Atahraks follows and says she may not want to be here, but the lake brings them here for a REASON. He instructs her to "feel the spirit" of the place and she realizes there are glowing blue spots beneath her feet. She touches the trunk of the tree and another blue spot blooms. She figures out she can use the energy to springboard to a higher branch and her eyes start glowing blue. Atahraks chortles that she's a quick learner.

Chrissy: A fact that will no doubt piss off the guys who hate all the female superheroes for this reason, allegedly.
Diandra: Even though in this case they have to cram an entire origin story into a half hour show, so it makes sense it would happen quickly. Yeah.

She jumps to the highest branch and he follows behind. She asks how there could possibility be a limit to the things they can do with these powers. He shrugs that many others have tried to get back through the portal already and all failed because it's just not within reach. She says they weren't trying hard enough. She throws a stick just past the end of the branch she's standing on and it hovers. She tries to use it as a stepping stone and it falls before she can get weight on it. Atahraks suggests that maybe everyone else just decided to make this place their home. She snaps that she won't do that and magics several branches to form stairs headed toward the portal. The first one holds her weight, so she gets two or three stairs before falling with a yelp this time. Atahraks waits for her to land on a lower branch and says the record is fourteen steps, by the way.

We montage through her doing it a few more times, not getting more than a handful of steps before crashing back to the tree. She lays on her back where she lands and looks up at the portal, muttering that this is a "prison", not a paradise. A horn blares in the distance and Atahraks excitedly declares it "the hunt" and jumps down the tree. She mutters "show off" and decides to quit for now and see what this hunt thing is about.

The whole group creeps up on a field full of things Atahraks describes as the "best prize" because it takes years for them to sprout, so the "fruit" is chock full of the "spirit" energy. Kahhori is confused about why they are using the word "hunt" for gathering fruit.

A lady steps to the edge of the cliff nearby and blows on a glowing blue flower, sending spirit energy or something swirling toward the field. Atahraks tells Kahhori to be careful because "they are grumpy when they first wake up." There's a lot of grunting and rumbling as the lumpy haystacks with "fruit" turn out to be the backs of what looks like bison crossed with angry bulls. They start a stampede and the natives whoop and run alongside them, springboarding onto their backs to pluck the "fruit" that looks like jewels. Atahraks yells to Kahhori that the trick is to go "over" them and not in front of them.

Chrissy: Oh, really? Because I was totally gonna run right in front of an angry, stampeding, thousand pound animal. You should meet Korg, I have a feeling you would like him.

The blue energy is making everyone run as fast as the animals and Kahhori gives hers an extra boost, turning herself into The Flash and YES, I KNOW THAT'S THE WRONG FRANCHISE SHUT UP.

Emilio: [closes mouth]

Unfortunately, Kahhori doesn't know how to control her speed yet, so when a rock formation comes up in her path she ends up having to divert in front of the beasts and sputters to a halt. She holds up her hands and the lead animal just...levitates right over her in a bubble of blue energy, several "fruits" flying off. It touches down again and the rest of the pack runs past her.

Once the "hunt" is over and the pack is well into the distance, Atahraks asks how everyone did. Most of the tribe holds up anywhere between one and four jewel fruits. One woman chuckles that she got twelve. And then Kahhori swaggers up with a couple dozen or so fruits levitating over her head and giggles "that was fun." She drops the fruits into the crowd. An old woman approaches her with a broken open fruit and says their names "carry the spirit and strength" of previous name bearers, so she has just boosted hers for future generations.

Meanwhile, Rodrigo has made it to the "fountain of youth" and invites one of his soldiers to be the first to get "a slice of immortality."

Chrissy: Who wants to be the first guinea pig? I mean canary in the coal mine? I mean...
Diandra: I'll be right behind you, I promise!

Several guys jump in, wading out, and one by one they are yanked under and disappear. Rodrigo tries to call them back and one guy almost makes it back to him before being yanked under, screaming. Rodrigo falls to his knees and whimpers that this place is "cursed."

Emilio: That's exactly what they tried to tell you.
Diandra: But of course, white people never listen. That's why the black guy always bites it first in horror movies. First suggestion of things going sideways, he's out of there so fast he leaves skid marks on the ground like a cartoon character and the movie is over too quickly.

Anyway, he blames the natives, because of course he does. He orders the remaining men to chain them up and announces they're going back to Spain.

Of course, the ones who were sucked in are now in Sky World, watching the natives dance around a fire from a distance. We go down to join them as Atahraks asks if Kahhori still thinks this place is a prison.

Chrissy: Ask me again in about fifteen minutes when those guys start gaining superpowers and turn it into Hell.

She sees the shadows moving in the woods first and yells at everyone to get down. The conquistadors start shooting and she magic freezes the bullets in the air, which I think at least one of the X-Men could also do. When they stop shooting, she magics the guns out of their hands and they turn tail and run away. Now mad, she catches them in magic bubbles and drags them back, demanding to know what they've done to her people up in the real world. Atahraks tries to talk her down, but she snarls that these are the monsters that attacked her village. She spots her brother's necklace on one of them and rips it off, screaming "what have you done with him?" She slams them on the ground. Atahraks suggests they should try talking first. She yells that his people have been "away from the bones of your ancestors" for too long. They were spirited away to this magic place where they got all these powers and got complacent. But she can't forget her "origins" and how her people are suffering right now. The woods seem to respond to her, wind swirling around the clearing, the trees moving, a root coming up to hold one of the conquistadors by the throat. Atahraks calls to her to look around: this place is trying to "help" her. She holds her hands up toward the portal and her hands and eyes glow as she declares she will "keep my people in front of me."

The portal shudders and starts moving closer, everything wobbling and swirling like an apocalyptic storm.

Chrissy: She has the power of SEVERAL X-Men, I think.
Diandra: Considering it's coming from the tesseract, it should be similar to Captain Marvel.

The portal slams into the ground, forming something like a doorway. She announces she cares about ALL of her people, including these people, so she is going to fight and who is going to join her? Everyone looks uncomfortable. Atahraks is like 'yeah...we're not an army and we kind of like the peaceful life here where we don't have to fight wars.' She argues that her people need someone who can face the "monsters" with bravery. "If you're worthy of this place, you'll join me." She walks through the portal and emerges from the lake with powers intact.

The conquistadors are carting the natives to their ships.

Kahhori speed runs to the village, which is on fire, Hulk rages and follows the tracks to the shore, where everyone warily looks for the source of a whistling noise. One conquistador spots a blue blur darting just past the tree line. It heads right toward him and slams into his telescope. Everyone watches him fall over and by the time they look back up, Kahhori is standing on the shore, glaring and glowing like an avenging angel. Rodrigo yelps that she's a witch, because of course he does. His men shoot, but she speed runs out to them, throwing them around with blasts of blue energy. They do this for a while before Rodrigo orders the ships to fire canons. She stops the cannonballs from hitting her, but they impact the ground around the bubble shield she forms and as they keep coming and embedding in the shield they start forcing her back. One finally breaks through and knocks her over. Slowed and not exploding, but basically like being hit with a rock. Rodrigo swaggers over while she's peeling herself off the ground and draws his sword. He chuckles and stands over her menacingly before realizing there are dozens of glowing blue eyes just past the tree line now. He raises his sword, but before he can bring it down, the natives zip out past him, knocking him over and trampling him into the sand.

Atahraks finds Kahhori and says they decided she was right. They all swarm the boats, attacking whatever conquistadors they run across. She goes to follow, but Rodrigo grabs her by the leg. She blasts him with an energy bomb.

The Mohawks blast the ships apart by running through them. Kahhori finds the one holding the prisoners and frees them, returning Wahta's necklace and explaining that these are their people. "Remember their faces. We're going to need some new songs about today." Wahta declares them "thunder beings".

Chrissy: Uh, Thor would like a word.
Diandra: Yeah, apparently Thor never visited this side of the world. But as we've noted before, ALL the gods are canon in the Marvel universe and that includes the ones belonging to any native culture on ALL continents, so they should have their own.

Here is where we finally confirm their relationship because Atahraks squats down to tell Wahta that his sister is the bravest of all of them.

In conclusion, The Watcher says that some stories are spawned by choices made. "But Kahhori's victory wasn't because she merely chose the right path" but also her "conviction" and because she "remained true to her course. Unwavering in the face of devastation and miracles alike. Such resolve is often what burns brightest." And this is why "heroes very seldom stop after their first victory." The writers are really working overtime on this one.

Spain. Someone breaks news to the Queen that nobody came back from that trip to the New World, so they're going to have to accept that it is lost to them. She snarls that that's just not POSSIBLE. She has the greatest soldiers and fleets in the world, so what country would DARE try to steal this one out from under her. A portal opens at the end of the room and Kahhori steps out with a half a dozen guys flanking her. In Spanish she identifies the Queen, who she recognizes from some coins they found on her ships. Isabella growls that this little twerp would DARE threaten her. Some guards rush at Kahhori and she magics their spears out of their hands, sticking them to the ceiling. She gives a speech about how the world is not for either of them to conquer. "We believe our health depends on your health."

Diandra: You know...probably the least believable part of this is that a native from...whatever time this is would know Spanish. Or any language spoken on the other side of an ocean they're only just figuring out how to cross.
Chrissy: We've had this discussion before and yet you keep trying to compare these realities where people gain superpowers by falling into a vat of chemicals to the real world.
Diandra: Hey, if they're going to start including real historical figures and events...

Isabella argues that she was ordained by GOD to rule them. Because that was always the argument from royals and that's why our ancestors had revolutions. Kahhori cuts off her argument by levitating her right off the throne. Isabella shrieks at her to put her down. Kahhori drops her on the ground, levitates the throne itself and shatters it. She declares they will make peace "or there will be no future for your people." The Watcher intones that Kahhori's people used the "miracles" of the Sky World "to bring peace to their neighbors. But their greatest battle has only just begun."

Another portal opens and Doctor Strange floats out, chuckling "world peace in recOHrd time. I'm sure that'll last."

Diandra: Fucking vowels.

He introduces himself to these people who may never have met anyone who speaks English and even if they had, it wouldn't have been with this accent that doesn't exist yet.

Chrissy: Technically, it still doesn't exist since we're not really sure what it is.
Diandra: Bite me. But seriously, if this was before Shakespeare, it was a COMPLETELY different language.

He says he's been looking for Kahhori for a long time and the faint strains of his theme carry us to the credits.

Instead of a mid credit scene, we see a thank you to the specific Mohawk nation that collaborated on the episode.

Emilio: I feel like that was a trial run for you to do "Echo".
Diandra: Yeah, I'm...not sure I'm up for that. I'm not sure I'm up for any of this anymore. I'm starting to understand the dread actors feel when they commit to a show that has no end in sight.
Chrissy: You could always take a break and work on fanfic. We've been giving you prompts...
Diandra: Ha. You're hilarious.
Emilio: Or you could recap something completely different. I suggested "Justice League" at one point, but I'm sure you're reaching burnout on superheroes, so...maybe one of those time travel movies you were talking about? "Enola Holmes"?
Chrissy: "The Night Manager"?
Diandra: [groan] I'm going to have to do that one of these days just to shut you up, aren't I?
Chrissy: That's my ultimate goal, yes.

Episode 7: What If...Hela Found the Ten Rings? (or: What if ALL of Odin's Children Got Redemption Arcs?)

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Cate Blanchett, Jeff Bergman, Feodor Chin, Lauren Tom, Idris Elba, Michael Hagiwara, Liv Zamora

We begin with The Watcher describing how Odin tried to "unite the nine realms" under his rule in Asgard through war where "his chief weapon in the conquest that built his empire, his executioner" was his daughter Hela, the goddess of Death. We see the Bayeux tapestry like art depicting Hela riding Fenris, holding both a long sword and Mjolnir. They successfully subjugated much of the world tree, but it wasn't enough for Hela. We snap to her standing in the Bifrost control center with Odin and Heimdall, yelling that they should be ruling the WHOLE cosmos, not stopping at the nine realms. The Anthony Hopkins impersonator lectures her on knowing when to stop fighting and if she won't do it on her own, he will FORCE her to. She refuses, so he banishes her to the realm that would share her name, which only has one "l" in it despite what the closed captioner might think.

Diandra: And her eyes are green. Have I just never noticed that they changed everyone's eye color in this series to align with the comics even though the rest of their face matches the actor?
Emilio: What color were Loki's eyes?
Diandra: [long pause] Hang on. [checks Captain Carter episode] Fuck's sake. Blue. So we're just being random then. Cool.

Except that was what happened in the main universe. In the universe of THIS particular story, Odin decides to try the same tactic he would use on Thor a couple millennia early. Hela chortles that he's telling her to give up the fight when fighting is all he raised her for and she is no one without it. She slings Mjolnir at him and he catches it the way she did in Ragnarok. He says no god should "have dominion over death who has so little appreciation for life." Mjolnir shatters, blowing her back. He strips her of her power, ripping the horns from her head and Heimdall (who doesn't have any lines yet) activates the Bifrost so he can send her careening toward Earth. He sends the horn crown after her, enchanting it with the spell "whosoever wears this crown, should she know mercy, shall possess the power of Hela."

Also, instead of landing in the New Mexican desert, she lands in China and is found by Xu Wenwu's men. If you don't know who that is...welcome to the MCU. You can find a Cliff's Notes version in my recaplet, or if you want anything about this episode to make sense, maybe just watch "Shang Chi". Xu already has the rings around his wrists, so as the Watcher notes, he is entirely familiar with powerful weird shit falling from the sky, although according to "Shang Chi" the legends were never really clear on where the rings came from, exactly.

Chrissy: I thought it made sense that none of the Asian actors carried over from "Shang Chi" because it was a good thousand years too early, but I forgot that Shang Chi's dad was immortal.
Diandra: Yeah. Apparently they couldn't get Tony Leung back. But it sounds like they barely finished asking Cate if she would come back before she said yes.

After the credits, Xu is still staring at the crown when Hela swaggers up through the rain, looking murderous. Xu's army surrounds her and she groans that she is in Midgard. She orders them in Chinese to fetch her crown. Xu tells her in English that HE is the only one who gives orders around here. Hela eyes the glowing rings and says she admires a man "brave enough" to wear jewelry. "Most people do well to fear me," he snarls. "Same," she fires back. "But you see, darling, I'm not most people. I'm the Goddess of Death." She smooths her hair back in a motion that normally activated her horns, but obviously doesn't work now. It takes her a second to figure out why Xu is just staring at her like 'am I supposed to be impressed by that?' He orders his men to "take her" and she turns to face the charging soldiers while doing the dagger pull from nowhere thing. But that ALSO doesn't work. The first guy punches her and she groans as a wound opens at her lip that bleeds mortal blood. One guy charges at her and she plays poor helpless female, begging for mercy. He hesitates and she punches him out. She fights off a few more guys before Xu intervenes, using the rings to take a stick she is readying to beat a guy with from her. The rings form a chain around her and she collapses on her knees and growls that if she had her crown HE would be the one kneeling before HER. He's like 'yeah, it's right over that hill if you want to do a demonstration, lady.'

They take her to the crown cratered in the ground and she chortles that they have taken her right to the thing she's going to use to slaughter them, which is either very brave or very stupid. Xu invites her to put it on and see and she says "yeah, both. You look like both." Except of course, she is not "worthy" yet, so she grunts and strains but can't get it to move. She pauses and mutters "father, please don't do this to me" and tries one more time, shrieking as nothing happens. One of Xu's men asks if they should execute her now. He doesn't answer. We just cut right to...

Palace, day. Hela is escorted into a room to join Xu for dinner. He points to a Chinese dress in the corner she should change into first. She shrugs, says she's endured worse torture and we cut to her reentering the room in the dress, noting that the red color insures it won't be noticeably stained when she slits his throat.

Emilio: I feel like it took Deadpool a lot longer to figure that out.
Chrissy: Deadpool had a whole movie.

Xu gets a look like maybe he's falling in love with her, which has the potential to really screw up the family tree.

He pours her tea while he explains that red is a good luck color in Asian cultures and is the color of wedding dresses. She spits the sip of tea she has in her mouth like 'this is NOT a wedding dress, is it?' He says nah, he just wants to propose an ALLIANCE with her. For now. Because she is a "fighter" just like him. She glowers that her father "exploited" her fighter nature and then exiled her as a "monster" when her "ambition outgrew his own." So she assumes Xu will do the same. He assures her he will not be like her father.

And now we're going to do something like a quick exposition. Xu calls the Ten Rings a "gift" and says he protects the people of the land with them. Hela thinks it looks more like he took command of them. He says no, see, the world is plagued by "dangerous forces". She snots that she is just another of those dangerous forces and he grabs her hand and repeats that he is NOT her father because he doesn't fear the fighter in her. Again, he proposes that they can fight TOGETHER to protect this world. They have a breathy little exchange about him knowing what he wants and when he goes to kiss her she slams his head on the table. She throws him to the floor and notes that he looks better unconscious. The guards enter the room as she's trying to get the rings off his arm and she runs away. He rouses and orders the men to take her "alive".

She runs across rooftops until she falls through one into what looks like a horse stable. This is where she meets one of those hairy, sentient footstools with wings that might or might not be Trevor.

Emilio: Trevor was Ben Kingsley's character.
Diandra: Fuck. What was his pet's name?
Emilio: Morris.
Diandra: Should have remembered that.
Chrissy: Oh, honey, the list of things you SHOULD remember, but don't could wrap around the planet.

Morris (let's just call him that) squeaks at her. She asks if this thing is trying to tell her it knows the way out. It squeaks some more and runs away and she splutters "is that your...sorry, I was under the impression I was talking to your face."

She rides out of the stable with Morris in the saddle in front of her, declaring that they can follow the stars to "Norse country" where the people still honor the Throne of Asgard.

Chrissy: And I'm sure they will welcome a visit from the GODDESS OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION.
Diandra: We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
Chrissy: That's not how that expression goes.
Diandra: I know.

She says this will probably take the better part of a year, but she can't think of any better alternatives. Morris flies just in front of her and she mutters that he's "not the first arse I've ever followed into battle."

Emilio: Bet it's cuter than most of them.
Diandra: Or any of them.

They get to the magic moving forest and when it starts closing in on her she snaps about living though a thousand years of war only to face death at the hands of FOLIAGE. Morris guides her (somehow just going straight ahead) while she continues to quip about how she's supposed to TRUST him after he led her into the "enchanted murder forest" which is how I am referring to it from now on. Once she's in Asian Brigadoon, a voice whispers her name and a burst of wind knocks her from the horse, who just walks away like 'I am SO done with you, crazy lady.' A woman comes out of nowhere to attack Hela, knocking her unconscious.

We briefly check back in with Heimdall, who mutters that he can't see Hela anymore. Probably because she wakes up in Ta Lo.

Chrissy: If you are impressed by Diandra's ability to recall details from "Shang Chi", don't be. She has her recap open on her laptop and keeps consulting it.
Diandra: Hey, that IS the reason I write these things!

The woman who knocked her out introduces herself as Jiayi, so...not Shaun's mother, probably. She says she is the representative of the Elder Council. And they already know who she is because her little fuzzy friend told them. Morris squeaks and trills, then runs behind Jiayi's skirt for protection. Hela grumbles that she didn't realize there was magic like this still on Midgard. Jiayi says they are more like a border protecting the rest of Earth from "Underworld" threats like her. Hela promises she has no beef with anyone other than Wenwu. Or her father. "Also, my dad has this new girlfriend. Frigga. She's a dreadful woman."

Chrissy: Ah, there's the detail we skipped over before referencing it in a later movie like we should know Hela was Thor and Loki's half sister.
Diandra: Yeah, Taika probably cut it so he could make another rock paper scissors joke.

But yeah, "it's just those three." She tries to recruit the surrounding people of Ta Lo to "take up arms" in her name. They just stare at her silently. "That sounds like a pass." Anyway. She asks if any of those Underworld Threats are looking for help. Jiayi sighs and says you can't fend off darkness with more darkness. You need light. Hela is like 'that sounds like a great fortune cookie sentiment, but...' she starts moving toward Jiayi and a half a dozen men point swords at her. "It's just a bit esoteric," she finishes lamely. "But if you were to teach me? Your practice?" The man behind Jiayi asks why the HELL they would do that. Hela, clearly bullshitting on the fly, says they are sworn to protect the realm from the Underworld beings and who better to help than the Goddess of Death? Jiayi is like 'okay, we can entertain this I guess' and tells Hela her training will begin when the sun "reaches its zenith." The other guy asks if Jiayi has lost her marbles and she assures him they can ensure she doesn't betray them. The light dragon flies through the air over their heads, roaring, and Hela mutters that she gets the message.

Asgard. Heimdall reports to Odin the whole 'can't see Hela anymore' situation. Odin asks if that means the mortals killed her. Heimdall sighs and says "there is one who is in possession of a great power. Ten rings that could even destroy a god." Odin mutters that if the mortals have THAT kind of power, there's no telling what they could do. Probably cut short their "age of peace."

In the clearing of fights that can totally double as sexual tension, a guy demonstrates controlling the wind by making flower petals swirl around him. Hela is like 'ooh, yes, teach me that one, but make it knives instead.' Or fire. "Or perhaps, and just hear me out now: knives ablaze IN fire!" Jiayi is like 'yeah, this is why you WON'T be doing that yet.' She tells her she's just going to do breathing exercises for now. Hela asks when she gets to the fighting part.

Chrissy: Why do I feel like she and Doctor Strange would totally get along?
Diandra: Interesting that you leaped right to him and not Mr. Run-Before-You-Walk.
Emilio: They have very similar personalities.
Diandra: Yeah, it's almost like the writers decided to basically do "Iron Man", but with magic instead of tech.

Jiayi points out that she clearly already knows how to fight. They need to work on cultivating her "inner world."

Emilio: That's what she said.
Diandra: [sigh] No.

It's about unifying technique and spirit. Hela is like 'cool, but when am I getting the fire knives?'

So the next part of training involves Zhe Zhi or "the art of making something out of nothing." Or as us laypeople would recognize it: origami. Jiayi makes a paper flower. Hela frowns, but makes a mangled version of the same.

The next part has Hela folding red sheets that are hanging on the lines and she finally snaps that they're not training her for martial arts. They just need a dry cleaner. Jiayi spins around and rips the sheet from Hela's hands and several others from the lines in a whirlwind as she asks why Hela wants to learn their martial arts anyway. She throws the spinning laundry tornado at Hela, who flinches, but then yells that she wants to overthrow Wenwu, take the Ten Rings from him and use them on her father. Y'know. Typical roundabout revenge. Jiayi keeps prompting her to elaborate while throwing more laundry at her until she snaps that she wants to take the throne of Asgard herself and "continue my conquest of the universe!" Jiayi is like 'and when you've accomplished that...then what?' Hela flashes back through her life - at least as much as we've seen of it - and stops when she is a child and Fenris the puppy is licking her face before Odin yanks him away by his chain. Little Hela asks why daddy chained the dog since "he means you no harm." "Not yet," Odin says ominously. But both the dog and his "mistress" are born fighters and "a king must tame his threats to ensure that they fight for him."

Chrissy: Yeah, this is why fandom has a sarcastic fanfiction tag of "Odin's A+ parenting".
Diandra: And I feel like this is a thing that was never really talked about in previous movies, although it is probably comics accurate since the comics pulled a lot from mythology.
Emilio: Which is probably why it wasn't talked about in previous movies because they aren't really comics accurate.
Chrissy: Don't wind her up for another rant about the 616 or we'll never get to the next episode.
Diandra: No, I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that in literally every other installment for the foreseeable future since the writers are so hell bent on going in that direction, so I'm gonna try to pace myself.

Hela comes back to the present and roars, blasting apart the laundry tornado. She calms as the sheets fall to the ground and answers Jiayi's last question about what she hopes to find at the end of her conquest: "freedom. Freedom from control. The freedom to choose my own path." Jiayi smiles and says she's ready now.

We montage over them sparring, both with sticks and blasts of wind while Jiayi talks about how everything is related. "When your mind is at peace, you can see the lessons." Hela figures out how to make the origami flower properly and successfully disarms Jiayi while sparing. Jiayi chuckles that she has come a long way, but still has a lot to learn and knocks her over with a burst of wind. Hela does the tornado of rose petals trick before scattering everything with a blast to the ground while Jiayi voiceovers about becoming a master.

Chrissy: It also helps if you already have the equipme...wait, what were we talking about?
Diandra: [sigh] How's your new boyfriend doing by the way?
Chrissy: Better. He's learning.

Hela is meditating one night when the bifrost beam touches down in the distance. She groans that her father is coming and goes to put on armor. She's testing out a spear when Jiayi finds her and asks if she's really leaving before she finishes her training. Hela says Odin is "terrorizing" the country in search of the ten rings and she intends to stop him. Jiayi is like 'yeahhhhh, we're not fighters. We just guard the place.' Hela shrugs that that's the difference between them. "If you choose this path, you will walk it alone," Jiayi warns. Hela argues that if she ever needs to win that freedom to choose her own path, she needs to face the man who chose her path before. She brushes past Jiayi, who sort of subtly smiles like 'yes, I respect this.'

At the gates of the palace, Xu is already battling Asgardian soldiers. Hela arrives and fights at his back. After they clear a couple dozen soldiers, Odin swaggers up and expresses some sort of relief at seeing her alive because they "feared the worst" when Heimdall lost sight of her and he had to schlep the whole army down here to avenge her.

Chrissy: Sure. If that's what you need to tell yourself.
Diandra: Seriously, are we sure it isn't THOR that's adopted?
Emilio: I think the argument is that Frigga had more influence over the other two.
Diandra: Yeah, that makes sense. She also could have had influence over Odin. Clearly she deserves a lot of credit.
Chrissy: Or all of it.

Hela asks if he really came to avenge her or just "for the fancy bracelets". Odin argues that the humans are too "primitive" for such powerful things and if she comes back they can rule Midgard together. She's like 'eh...pass.' She counteroffers that he leave and never come back. He gets mad that she is defying her father and king. She gives a little speech about how once he had his throne, he threw away his "sword" without a second thought like she wasn't his daughter. So...you know...fuck off. He reminds her that she is nothing without the crown he took from her. She's like 'meh. Doesn't matter.' "I'm not alone." Xu drops into fighting stance beside her and she mutters that they need to separate Odin from Gungnir. Xu prompts her to explain to the audience what that is and Odin helpfully demonstrates by firing a blast from his spear. It impacts Hela's shield and drives them back a few feet. From behind her, Xu lets the rings fly, smacking Odin in the face, then returning to hover in front of him.

In the moment of calm, Hela repeats the line about needing light to fend off darkness and launches at Odin. "I knew I should have locked you away when I had the chance," he yells as they fight. She says yeah, it's weird that he didn't go with his first instinct since that's what he taught HER to do. She knocks the spear from him, but he summons it back and breaks her spear in half. She fights with the broken ends and an assist from Xu and the ten rings. They get all the weapons locked between them until the spinning rings create a blast that throws them all backward. While he's still on the ground, Odin tries to blast Xu in the back with Gungnir. Hela kicks it away so the blast goes into the sky. Xu kicks the spear away. Odin summons it back, but the rings surround it midair and deposit it in Hela's hands. Odin punches her, recaptures the spear and turns toward Xu. Hela realizes the broken, flaming pieces of metal on the ground around her are effectively the fire knives she was begging for and she whips them up around her, firing them at Odin. Xu fires the rings from the other side and Odin manages to catch one, roaring angrily. But while he has his head turned, Hela rushes him and does the same move she did to disarm Jiayi. Xu collects all the rings and punches Odin with them all on one arm.

Odin looks up at Hela from the ground, snarling. She begs him to please end this and holds a hand out to him. From its landing site, her crown starts vibrating. Odin slaps her hand away and lifts her by the throat, taking his spear back and blasting Xu into a wall. He snarls that she's suddenly shying away from killing when she has a chance. She chokes out that HE is the one who said no god should "have dominion over death who has so little appreciation for life."

The crown dislodges from the landing site and flies toward her, settling right on her head and a beam of light blasts Odin back. Both men watch as the beam levitates Hela and transforms her into an all white version of her former look. Odin tries to blast her again and she deflects it into a blast that looks like a nuclear explosion. The spear flies to her and she lands on the ground in front of the beaten Odin. He mutters that he sent her here to "learn" and "grow" and apparently didn't anticipate just what that would look like. "The throne is yours if that is indeed what you seek." She says yeah, well...if she wants to undo his empire, she kind of has to take it. But after however many eons that takes, "the nine realms will know freedom." Odin asks what happened to his great executioner. "I gave peace a chance," she says.

Emilio: That's all we are saying. [hums the next couple bars]
Chrissy: [snort] Hippie.
Diandra: How come you always rag on me about making references that are older than I am, but he gets a pass for THAT?
Chrissy: Because anyone with even basic knowledge of 70s music and John Lennon can get that reference, sweetie.
Emilio: Also, he was a music major.

The Watcher concludes that on that battlefield, a mortal with his ten rings and a goddess with the army of Asgard "forged an alliance and built an empire." Which has repercussions into the future, as we see when we go to the moment where Thanos is reaching out to little Gamora mid planetary decimation when he is interrupted by the arrival of an entire army led by Xu and Hela, riding Fenris.

Emilio: Which is good because do the Avengers even exist in this universe?
Diandra: Does Shang Chi? See, that's the thing about alt history. Once you start picking at one thread...
Emilio: Which is when you start sending us texts asking whether the Avengers could have formed after an attack by Skrulls and leave Loki out of it entirely.
Chrissy: Followed, bafflingly, by questions about where Tony might place hidden cameras to catch Loki and Stephen having sex.
Diandra: Yeah, those are two different stories.
Emilio: We figured.
Chrissy: Yeah, terrifying as it is, we understand how your brain works by now.

Diandra: But circling back around to the original question... This is sort of the fictional comic book version of asking if WWII would have happened if Hitler had never been born or hadn't been rejected from art school or whatever your alt history scenario of preference is. If Thanos is defeated when Gamora was a child, then NOTHING he was responsible for would happen ASSUMING he was the only one who could be responsible for it happening. But things are often more complicated than that and people like Hitler are just the face of a movement that could easily pick a different leader of convenience.
Chrissy: You're trying very hard to not compare Hitler to Trump there, aren't you?
Diandra: So hard. But the parallels are obvious. For that brief period where we thought Trump might be dying of COVID, I was terrified. Because I kept thinking about how much worse things could have been if any of the Hitler assassination attempts had been successful and Himler had taken over the Nazi party.
Chrissy: I think the term for them is Useful Idiot.
Emilio: Nah, they're just tools.
Diandra: Convenient mouthpieces for a political agenda. Someone the worst of humanity can rally around and have their shitty opinions validated by.
Chrissy: How did we get into politics? You always tried to avoid that.
Diandra: That's because I knew it is a quagmire we would possibly never get out of. My POINT here, I think, is that history can be obdurate (King, 2011) and removal of the most prominent bad guy sometimes only creates a vacuum that will be filled by another bad guy or an even WORSE guy. Applied to this fictional universe...there will never be a lack of bad guys. Eliminating one before the Avengers form probably just means the Avengers form in response to a different threat. And maybe someone else (like Gamora even) takes up the cause of decimating the universe.

And on that cheerful note...

Episode 8: What if the Avengers Assembled in 1602? (or: Yes, Tom, You Can Recite Shakespeare Now)

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Haley Atwell, Samuel Fuckin' L Jackson, Elizabeth Olson, Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston, Mark Ruffalo, Jon Favreau, Mick Wingert, Josh Keaton, Paul Rudd, Sebastian Stan, Benedict Cumberbatch, Lake Bell

Chrissy: So the animated equivalent of "Infinity War".
Diandra: Yeah, this is what gave me the false idea they might be doing the 1602 comic and spend the entire episode wondering why Doctor Strange wasn't showing up yet. AGAIN.
Emilio: Yeah, I don't think anybody wants to actually do the whole telepathic head floating in a glass jar thing.
Chrissy: The what now?
Diandra: That probably only works in the universe where Clea is his wife and able to communicate with his ghost or whatever.
Chrissy: I...uh...you know what? Forget it. I don't actually want any questions I have about that answered.

We begin with what was either a byline in Tom Hiddleston's contract somewhere or else the scene that the writers used to lure him into doing another episode of this show: Loki reciting the most famous Shakespeare speech from Hamlet. He is standing on the stage of the globe theater in what the chyron verifies as 1602. From somewhere in the stands, a voice clearly belonging to Thor boos. Loki stops so he can address the voice that he is ACTING here, so shut up. Thor groans that that is NOT acting and asks Hela, perched on the throne behind him, when they can start throwing cabbages because he made sure to bring a whole BUSHEL of rotten ones for this. Hela doesn't say anything because I guess they're not paying her for this episode too.

Tom...sorry LOKI is still trying to get to the end of that speech when a rift opens in the sky. Thor groans "not again" and yells at everyone to run for their lives. Loki is still determinedly yelping about the undiscovered country (great alt history story, by the way, highly recommend) while a beam pulls him toward the rift. The version of Fury we saw at the end of the Captain Carter episode turns to Peggy, who lassos Loki's ankle and pulls him back down, catching him bridal style.

Chrissy: Y'know, normally I don't go for mortals, but you seem strong enough to keep up with me...
Emilio: Widow would murder you.
Chrissy: What makes you think I wouldn't be up for a threesome?

Hela screams as she is ripped toward the rift and Peggy unceremoniously drops Loki to try to rescue her too. She manages to catch Hela's hand as she is disappearing into the rift, but cannot hold on. Hela is sucked in, dropping her staff (I think the same one Loki had in Avengers). Peggy falls to the ground and the rift closes. Thor picks up the staff and Happy, dressed like a musketeer, does the whole The Queen Is Dead Long Live the King spiel. He and Fury bow to the new King Thor, followed by everyone else. Peggy offers condolences and Thor just vomits an expository rant about how the Scarlet Witch summoned her to STOP that shit from happening, but the rift storms are getting WORSE and now they lost their queen. He orders the men to seize Peggy because clearly she is "cursed". Peggy grabs the "Yorick" skull from Loki's hands to fend them off for some reason, which seems to just be a way to prompt Loki to protest with "poor Yorick!" As Peggy escapes across the roof, Thor orders Happy to summon the witch so they can have a little talk about this hero of hers.

After the credits, The Watcher is like 'so y'all already know this Shakespearean tragedy is taking place in 1602, but let's talk about why the WWII supersoldier is here.' "The sad truth is that there are worlds among the multiverse simply meant to die." This was one, but as the world started to collapse, a "band of heroes" led by Wanda came up with a plan to stop it. She pulled Peggy from a neighboring universe because Peggy is crazy and noble enough to try to save someone else's universe from near certain death. We see the other end of the portal that formed under Peggy at the end of her episode and a reminder that she woke up with Wanda and Fury hovering over her. Now, Thor steps beside Wanda, who reaches for Peggy. Of course, Peggy was on board with the plan, but now weeks later it doesn't seem to be working. And now they are blaming her for failing and she's trapped in a dying universe. The Watcher is rambling about how she is a fugitive now when Peggy snaps that she can HEAR him. He is entirely too surprised by this considering she was one of the multiverse guardians. She admits that she can only hear him "sometimes", but...whatever..."do you need something? I'm kind of busy." He says she doesn't belong here and she's fighting a losing battle she can't possibly "understand". She says it's not that difficult to understand, really. Two time periods are colliding with each other and have become "stuck" and if she can't "unstick" them, this universe will die. He's like 'huh...guess you do understand then.' He holds out his hand and offers to take her back to her own universe. She cocks an eyebrow like 'did I say I was giving up? I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY.' The Watcher says worlds just...die sometimes. Millions of them. She says yeah, well...this one isn't going to if she has a say.

Emilio: Yep, you found the right person.

At the palace, Fury, Happy and Wanda are assessing the damage done by increasing rift activity all across the world. Casualties include Nebula's Observatory, Isle of Ego and Groot Groves, which Happy notes was a great winery. Thor is dejected to learn they've lost their WINE.

Chrissy: Tell me we still have beer. TELL ME!

He vows this is not the end and demands again that Peggy be brought to him. Wanda says Peggy isn't to blame for this, but "I still believe she is the key to our survival." And she can sense another person from "a time that is still to come". Happy growls at her and Thor reminds him to stay calm and "mind your affliction." Because this version of Happy is also Purple Hulk, yes. Anyway, Wanda says this other person has fallen through time and is completely unaware they are causing a universal collapse. Happy asks how they're supposed to find this guy. Wanda doesn't know. Fury mutters over his shoulder that they have their mission. Peggy, perched on a balcony outside, whispers "thank you" and Fury assures Thor that he wasn't talking to anybody. Just..."a pretty bird."

Blacksmith shop. Tony is passed out snoring on a haystack when Peggy wakes him by throwing a bucket of water over him.

Chrissy: Joke's on you. This isn't the first time I wake up soaking wet.
Emilio: ...[opens mouth]
Diandra: No, do NOT engage.

He begs for five more minutes and why are his eyes brown again?

Emilio: Yeah, I think they were last season too. I just assumed they were matching the actors until this season.
Diandra: I definitely didn't notice anything weird last season, but now I wonder if I just wasn't paying attention.
Chrissy: That Tony episode where his eyes were purple was supposed to be from last season.
Diandra: Right. I'm thinking they just don't care and choose eye colors for the same reason the comics illustrators do.

It turns out, Peggy wanted the skull because it had a smear of something from the rift on it, having nearly been dragged in along with Loki. Tony looks at it under a microscope and confirms that it is giving off a weird energy. Peggy thinks it might be radioactivity, which is a word neither Tony nor anyone else in 1602 has ever heard. "God I love your made up words," he gushes. She says "flux capacitor" and he yips happily.

Chrissy: This totally counts as foreplay for me, yes.

The ground rumbles and Tony notes it must be another rift. Peggy says she's looking for a person known as "the forerunner" being the first person transported into this world from a future time. Otherwise known as the reason for the incursion. Or...uh...whatever we're calling it now because writers aren't necessarily sharing these things across projects. Tony asks if the forerunner would have the same energy as the rifts themselves. Because he could trace that in THEORY, but the magic required to actually do that... Peggy mutters that of course he wouldn't have an arc reactor in the 1600s. "Again with the beautiful gibberish," he sighs. "Keep talking. It's like opium to my ears."

Chrissy: I would tell you what it's like to other parts of my anatomy, but we're trying to keep this show family friendly...

Peggy notes that they are stuck. Tony realizes there is one thing they might be able to try since rumor has it it has enough power to propel a thousand ships.

Chrissy: Her name is Helen of Troy and she fell through the rift last Tuesday.
Diandra: Ha. No. It's only pulling people from the future.

Peggy knows what he's referring to, apparently, as she mutters that the new king is hardly likely to let her borrow the scepter. Tony suggests she enlist a thief to steal it then. And that explains why Paul Rudd is in the credits.

So in a forest somewhere, Loki is boring some women about Will's play about Iago, who really is the most important character (the bad guy in the one play about a black man? Really?) when their carriage is attacked by Robin Hood and his merry men. In this universe, Robin Hood is played by...Steve Rogers?

Chrissy: I mean...given Steve's moral compass that kind of makes sense. Who was he in the comics in a time before Captain America could possibly have existed?
Diandra: He was a Native American.
Chrissy: Oh...yeah, that makes even more sense.

The blond one...

Steve's merry men...

Emilio: [snort]
Diandra: Stop it.
Chrissy: I have a fic idea...
Diandra: NO.

...are going through the chests of valuables the carriage was carrying when Scott finds one is full of desserts. "Buck! They've got marzipan," he yelps excitedly. Bucky reminds him that they are looking for COINS, not FOOD here. Scott is like 'I can multitask'. From inside the carriage, Loki whines at them to be careful of the champagne. This prompts Peggy to show up and joke that she's partial to whiskey, but she could drink champagne too, I guess. Steve makes goo goo eyes at her and babbles about seeing a ghost because his "Maid Margaret" died a long time ago. Oh. I see what we're doing. Peggy does too because she just realized this world's variant of her is dead which is "great!" Er...no..."I mean that's terrible."

Loki sticks his head out to hiss at the carriage driver to go while those two are distracted making heart eyes at each other. The driver eagerly takes off and Peggy tackles Steve to the side to avoid being trampled. He is not mad about this situation for obvious reasons. She asks if they can go somewhere to talk and she can explain everything. Scott asks around a mouthful of pastry if they want some eclairs. And I just realized they weren't talking about SCOTT as the thief.

They go to a pub, where Peggy and Steve sit away from everyone else celebrating their latest haul. He exposits that they need him to steal the king's scepter. Then he just marvels that she's plotting something like this because "most people" would go insane at being stranded in another world. She shrugs that she's used to being in the wrong place and/or time. He asks if her world has a Steve Rogers and what he's like. Of course HER world is the one where Steve isn't the WWII supersoldier hero and in fact became something like the Winter Soldier. She just brushes off the question and asks if he'll help. He says sure, his Margaret Carter would do whatever it takes to save the world, so if this will help her do it... An ant man lands on the rim of her mug and Steve yells at his men that they have company before several more fly through the window and expand to full size. Bucky identifies them as the "Royal Yellowjackets" and Scott peeks out the window to verify that Happy is outside. Happy shoves a few more ant men into a tiny canon launcher while reminding them that the King wants Carter taken alive, but they can do whatever they want with the rest.

Now, lest we think Scott isn't Ant Man in this universe, he yelps in the middle of the fight that shrinking is HIS thing and they're just copying him. Then he shrinks and hops on a flying ant. But that doesn't answer how they have this tech in the first place.

Chrissy: They have magic, clearly. Except that just begs the question of WHY Stephen isn't here as the Witch Doctor or Merlin or something.
Emilio: Because Merlin is a separate character in Marvel comics and they already have a witch. Remember? She's responsible for this whole plot?
Diandra: I mean, I was thinking along those lines too the first time I saw this, but actually...they are generally telling the same story as the comics, just with different characters or versions of characters. Replacing Doctor Strange with Wanda, actual historical royalty with the Asgardians, changing Steve from a native American to this Robin Hood character and crossing the whole thing with the Captain Carter plot from last season.
Emilio: Yeah. Instead of an alternate version of the MCU, they're doing an alternate version of those comics.
Chrissy: Wait, so...Stephen IS a witch doctor in the comics?
Diandra: He's Queen Elizabeth's physician. And a suspected witch, yes. Which I believe is how he ended up dead with his head in a jar. Actually, now that I remember more details, he was replaced by a combination of Wanda and Peggy because the whole exposition about the forerunner was delivered by a Watcher after he teleported Stephen to the moon.
Chrissy: .....................
Emilio: It's actually not as crazy as it sounds.
Diandra: Of course it is. It's a comic book. Did I mention the part where Clea carries his decapitated head around so she can keep communicating with his astral form?

And let's not even talk about the part where one guy goes blind by accidentally drinking from the jar...

During a pause in the fight, Steve catches Peggy's shield and notes that the king really DOES hate her. She shouts that he thinks she killed his sister. Steve agrees that that "would do it" and they go back to a fight scene that seems indulgently long for a twenty minute episode, but I guess is justified by the way they keep interacting with each other, including Peggy springboarding off Steve's perfectly normal metal shield at one point.

Bucky shoots arrows at Happy and his guards outside and Happy roars angrily. Steve reminds Bucky that they shouldn't make Happy mad. BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T LIKE HIM WHEN HE'S ANGRY.

When the yellowjackets are all down, Scott cheers that they won. And then one of the destroyers from the first "Thor" movie stomps up next to Happy and everyone inside the pub scatters as it levels the place. Peggy crawls out from the rubble and Happy calls that she may as well give up and surrender because she can't possibly win. She tells Robin Steve to grab his merry men and take off while she distracts Happy. He protests at the thought of leaving her behind, but she says getting the scepter is more important. "Find Stark. I'll be right behind you."

Chrissy: Ahem. Yes, I promise I won't get distracted by the Adonis with already shady morals you have sent me.
Diandra: Why am I not surprised that the possibility of Stony got your attention again?

Scott backs Peggy up and flies toward the destroyer to act as a distraction, only realizing he hasn't thought this through a second before nearly being singed. It does work, as he darts around, making the destroyer try to chase him until Peggy can leap on it. It recovers and blasts at her. She holds the beam back with the shield while she yelps at Happy that she's trying to SAVE his world, demented king included and in another world they are all FRIENDS here. "Me, you, Stark..." Happy calls off the dementor so he can express disbelief that he would ever be aligned with STARK the lunatic in another universe.

Chrissy: Well, if it makes you feel better, there is at least one universe where you got to my wife first.
Diandra: And then there's this other universe where he IS the wife.
Chrissy: Omegaverse doesn't count as canon.
Diandra: I meant the one where the Civil War never happened because Steve Rogers is happily married to Natasha Stark.
Chrissy: .........wait, why are you not writing THAT fic?
Diandra: I entertained the possibility of doing something like that in the "Multiverse of Madness" AU, but I ended up going in a different direction.
Chrissy: Okay, we are talking about ALL OF THIS later.

Peggy surrenders and is taken to the prison. Red Skull is sharpening an axe outside, but since Ross wasn't in the credits, I assume he's not going to have any lines. We go right to her sitting in a cell, chained to the wall, asking the Watcher if he's still there. He asks if that means she's ready to go home. She says no, not as long as she still has a chance at saving this universe. She just needs to find the forerunner and this would be easier if he told her who that is... He says he can't see future events clearly "when a universe is close to extinction". Weird qualifier there, but I suppose whatever plot convenient way you can explain the guy outside of time not knowing the future. He apologizes that she really can't save this world. She argues that she was taught to always help someone who is "hurt". He argues that she cannot possibly understand the consequences of her actions, being that she does not have his omnipotence. Even if she COULD eliminate the forerunner, it would have repercussions she can't anticipate. It might actually be the thing that DESTROYS the universe instead of fixing it. Or "what if, when the universe resets, you're trapped here forever?"

Chrissy: Yeah, I think she'd be cool with that, actually.

She says she can't be concerned with what if questions. She has to TRY. "Because you're human," the Watcher sighs.

Chrissy: Yeah, we're all kinds of stubborn.
Emilio: Nice callback.

She says actually, it's because she's Captain Carter and she can DO THIS ALL DAY. No? Still not giving her that catchphrase? Okay.

She yanks herself free of the chains and runs through the Watcher out the door, knocking down any guard who tries to stop her until she reaches the cell of the person she apparently let herself be captured to find. And if you were wondering why Mark Ruffalo was in the credits, it's because we already transposed Robin Hood a couple centuries forward, so why not also move another legend a half a century in the other direction? Peggy calls to the "monster in the iron mask" hunched over in the cell that they need his help. Bruce mutters at her to leave because he doesn't want trouble. And he doesn't do "that" anymore. He just stays in this nice, quiet cell. She sighs, apologizes, and tricks some passing guards into shooting at the cell door before ducking out of the way.

Bruce hulks out and smashes through the door and out of the metal mask. Peggy jumps on his back as he rampages after the offending guards, yelling he will "smite" them. He blasts through a wall and runs along rooftops outside, snarling that he HATES this world and "noisy people wrong!" Peggy assures him she will "fix" it, but she's not really sure about that.

She takes him to Stark's shop, where he de-Hulks. Tony gives him a tankard of something that he tries to drink and immediately spits out, asking why the hell Tony would be drinking grain alcohol at sunrise.

Chrissy: Because in the absence of any magical alternatives, the title of resident alcoholic asshole has fallen to me.
Diandra: He actually is an alcoholic in the comics.
Chrissy: Oh. Right. That makes more sense.

Tony says he had a "few pints" last night, which helped him finish "my greatest invention ever."

Chrissy: A sex machine.
Diandra: No. Although one of my favorite fics starts with him drunk tweeting about creating a line of sex toys in the middle of the night and Pepper yelling at him about having to answer to shareholders in the morning.
Chrissy: Okay, I want a link to that. [ETA: did I mention it's FrostIron?]

He pulls the cloth covering the weird looking device on the table. A screw falls off it noisily and he yelps "ignore that. It's decorative." We see the unimpressed expressions on Bruce and Peggy's faces as Tony babbles that he considers their stunned silence flattering. Peggy asks if this thing is going to find the forerunner. Tony says it will REVEAL the forerunner "and send them back from whence they came." He points to a spot on top where the royal stone will be inserted to make it work.

Chrissy: And it does have to be the ROYAL STONE. Other options don't work. Believe me. I really did intend for this thing to have a completely different purpose.

Steve and his merry men show up just then to offer their help stealing that royal stone.

Chrissy: Okay, new plan. I've got another place I'd like pretty boy over there to try inserting something hard.
Diandra: Oh, christ.
Chrissy: Sure, you can pray to whatever god you want to while you're doing it.
Diandra: I'm just going to move on and forget this ever happened.
Emilio: Isn't that usually what HE does after it's over?
Diandra: Aaaaaaaand we're done here.
Chrissy: Already? Would have thought you would last longer than that.
Diandra: [glares] Don't make me get the spray bottle.

ACTUALLY, Steve and Peggy make goo goo eyes at each other again and he hands her the shield he stole back from one of the guards on the way over. There's a long beat, broken by Tony snarking that this is "touching", but he personally would have gone with a sonnet or something.

Chrissy: That's a hint by the way.
Diandra: As you can see, I am far more interested in another brunette here.
Chrissy: Did someone say I was making you choose? I'm sure she would be willing to share seeing as she is a GUEST in this universe, right Peg? Oh, and can we talk about the ideas I'm getting from your name?
Diandra: Okay, I think you've reached your limit for this recap.

Bruce asks what the plan is and we flash right to it while Peggy voiceovers that they can attend the next court session in disguise. Steve agrees that they should blend in to the crowd of a LOT of lords and ladies that will hopefully include the forerunner. Tony will smuggle in the device and sit on it until they can get the stone to him.

Loki is sitting where the royal family is positioned, STILL rambling about Iago to some women who are definitely going to start demanding hazard pay soon.

Chrissy: I just think he's the best character. Villains usually are. This one has the potential to be played by a really sexy guy who could totally be my sugar daddy in the future.
Diandra: ...........hang on a second. [does a Google search] Fuck sake.
Chrissy: I love that that's apparently the first thing that came up. Remember that dream you were gonna incorporate into a fic, Diandra?
Diandra: Again, I was watching a MOVIE in that dream. A non existent early entry in Tom's filmography from some alternate reality that made me think if I ever talked about his character's first kiss/gay awakening in that "Sherlock" story, the other guy would have Kenneth Branagh's face.
Chrissy: And this is what makes you a writer. You put way too much thought into something you end up not even writing. Like that elaborate omegaverse headcanon you keep talking about but saying you don't want to write.
Diandra: Ugh. This is why I hate telling you things.

Literally the first thing that came up after just typing "Iago".

He is interrupted by a horn blast from the trumpeters, two of which are Bucky and Scott in disguise. Happy theatrically introduces Thor as their great and "most worthy" king. The whole room jolts and a rift opens in the ceiling. Wanda, positioned near Thor, moans that the "storm" is upon them and sends a bolt of energy toward the rift, which seems to hold it off a little. Steve asks Peggy what the signal is. "Tony said we'd know it when we saw it," Peggy mutters. Before anyone can ask, Hulk blasts through a wall yelling "SIGNAL! SIGNAL!" Peggy is like 'um...that must be it, I guess?'

Chrissy: No shit, Sherlock. Hey, I kind of like that name. Maybe someone can use it for a future descendant who happens to look just like me.
Diandra: How does that headcanon even work?
Chrissy: How does ANY of this work? Just go with it.
Emilio: Title of your sex tape?
Chrissy: ..................I mean...

The team drop their disguises and launch into a fight against Happy's men. Thor tells a bored looking Loki that they should join the fight and asks where the "hammer I got you" is. Loki says he misplaced it.

Chrissy: In my defense, it is REALLY easy to misplace things after an orgy.
Diandra: You expect us to believe the guy desperately trying to impress those women with his knowledge of the one guy in a Shakespeare play they probably don't know is having wild orgies?
Emilio: They weren't REAL sex orgies. They were fantasies. He knows where the hammer is, he's just embarrassed by the state it's in after he used it as a prop.
Chrissy: [loud snort] Yes! Dude! [high fives Emilio]
Diandra: I hate you both.

Wanda, holding back the rift, grunts at him that they don't have much time here.

Tony runs through the fighting with the device. Steve tells Peggy to get the scepter while they keep up the distraction. He specifically gets the attention of Happy, who launches at him with a whole old timey tirade as follows. "Taste my steel you vile, crusty onion! Aye, tree-biting miscreant! Your face revolts me, you jackanape! Impertinent hedge-born, green-suited varmint!"

Emilio: I mean, we could probably unpack all that, but that wouldn't make it funnier than it is.

He stops when Steve successfully slices the feather from his hat, which he was very protective of earlier in case I forgot to mention it. Steve winces and starts babbling apologies while Happy snarls. From behind him, Scott says "great job, Rogers, you made him mad. Good luck!" and runs for it. Because yes, somehow this is the Purple Hulk version of Happy. He hulks out while Steve continues to babble about how they can talk about this.

Peggy lands in front of the throne and Thor sneers at her for "sullying" the royal hall.

Chrissy: Ahem. Yeah, technically it's way too late to undo that damage, Brother.

Peggy says he needs to trust her and hand over the scepter. Wait...so instead of stealing it, we're going to make an elaborate plan to get in and then just...ask nicely for it?

Chrissy: We've got less than ten minutes left in the episode. We need to hurry this along!

Thor snaps that they ALL trusted her and look how far that got them. He orders the men to fetch the "All Father", which...is apparently what he calls the Vibranium sword they hand him. When Peggy notes this, he confirms that it was a gift from the King of Wakanda. "He too has been plagued by these rips in space" by the way. Peggy calls to Steve that they have hit a snag. Steve, being thrown around by Purple Hulk, yells back that he's got his own shit to deal with at the moment.

Thor looms over her, lightning crackling, and prays to "All Father" to give him strength. She snaps that he's more of a drama queen than his brother. "Bless," Loki sasses, clearly considering it a compliment. Thor says she's gone too far now and swings the sword at her, crashing into her shield and creating a wave that knocks over Loki and cracks the floor.

Hulk knocks Happy Hulk away from Steve with a spin on his catchphrase: "HULK SMASH THEE!" Steve runs away and the Hulks start smashing each oth- uh...

Chrissy: Beating each other into the ground?
Diandra: So glad you continue to remember that joke a dozen movies later.

Wanda is like 'hey...uh...guys? Somebody wanna do something before I lose my grip on this thing over here?'

Steve knocks Red Skull off Bucky. Peggy and Thor are fighting now. And Happy is still doing the old timey slurs while fighting Hulk. "Flappy and muddy fiend! Rapscallion! Scoundrel! Podgy tallow-faced ne'er do well poltroon!"

Emilio: Somebody is getting a lot of mileage out of their research into old fashioned insults.
Diandra: Which of these should we use? What do you mean "all of them"?!

Hulk finally tells him to shut up and throws him across the cathedral into the organ. Somewhere, Tony mutters that next time they aren't using the Hulk. Two soldiers point swords at him and he immediately surrenders. Scott appears and knocks their heads together, knocking them out.

Happy Hulk recovers and throws the organ at Hulk, snarking "you hear that, Bruce? The pipes, the pipes are calling!"

Chrissy: Oy. At least it's better than what he was doing before.

Wanda spots Tony and Scott running toward them and freezes Thor mid-fight. While he splutters in confusion, she apologizes and calls to Fury, who grabs the scepter from whichever soldier Thor gave it to. Wanda directs them to get it to Stark. Fury hands it to him, snarling that this had BETTER work. Tony quips that he's just "igniting an industrial and mystical revolution" and uses some blacksmith tongs to remove the stone from the scepter and put it in the device. It glows and...does nothing else. Peggy calls his name warningly and he says "it's only a failure if it explodes!" Thor breaks Wanda's hold on him and she falls, also letting go of the rift. He starts stomping toward Tony. Peggy yelps and Tony rotates a lever that finally kick starts the thing. The device opens and the stone drops inside. He stands back and Peggy sticks her hands in and comes out with a gauntlet with a glowing stone in the palm. She holds it toward the advancing Thor and it seems to create a detonation.

Everyone stops moving when the shockwave dissipates. Wanda announces that it is "him" and Peggy realizes there is a glowing figure standing behind her. "The forerunner," Wanda adds in case we've already forgotten what they were trying to do. He turns around and...it's Steve. Thor is confused that HE is the future man they've been trying to find. Peggy asks how this is possible. Steve says he remembers now that he fought a battle against "a monster from the skies armed with a golden glove." We see a flashback of a sort to the scene in "Infinity War" where he faced off against Thanos. Except in this version, he hit one of the stones with his much pointier shield and ended up here somehow.

Chrissy: So how did it happen in the comics? Or is that totally different?
Diandra: Native American Steve is the forerunner, yes. But I don't think it was ever explained HOW exactly he got there.
Emilio: He was sent back in time by a 21st century dictator trying to erase him from existence.
Chrissy: ...........yeah, I can see how they couldn't do that plot today.

Thor realizes that Peggy was right about how this all happened and could potentially be fixed and orders her to finish it. Except Peggy is supposed to "destroy" the frontrunner and we all know she can't do it now. Steve says they both know what has to be done here. Everyone stares. Loki crouches beside Wanda protectively like HERE'S A THING WE ARE NOT GOING TO ADDRESS THANKS. Peggy bemoans that they never get their happy ending. Steve says they probably do somewhere, in some universe. He takes her hand and presses the sort of button well in her palm. There's a bright flash of light and everyone disappears, leaving Peggy alone in the empty palace. She voiceovers that there was a wartime superstition "that victory was its own sort of curse. Because every battle you won, every inch you gained would mean you're only getting further from home."

She is back sitting in the pub, so apparently the plan worked in this version and just restored the universe to a time before rifts started opening up. A portal wooshes somewhere behind her and she asks if that's the Watcher coming to tell her she's stuck in this reality forever then. Stephen plops into the seat across from her and says actually, he just thought she could use company. Startled, she asks what HE'S doing here.

Chrissy: What does "restored" look like here? Without the rift nonsense, can we go back to the version where he is the royal physician the youngest of Odin's children might be making secret appointments with?
Diandra: No. I am NOT entertaining another of your AU fic prompts.
Chrissy: You always say that and then three recaps later you're suddenly working on this fic with a suspiciously familiar concept.
Diandra: Ugh. I really do hate you sometimes.
Chrissy: Only sometimes?

Stephen just cryptically says he has a story to tell Peggy and a title card informs us that this is going to be continued in the next episode.

Episode 9: What if Strange Supreme Intervened? (or: Redemption Arcs Don't Always Work Out)

Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Haley Atwell, Benedict Cumberbatch, Devery Jacobs, Cate Blanchett, Feodor Chin, Clancy Brown, Josh Keaton, Stanley Tucci

I haven't been noting how the title card is truncated in all of these episodes, either accompanied by a similarly truncated version of Giacchino's fanfare or whatever alternative is appropriate for the episode. Well, this one is back to the full version, except...all the clips are from this show, with Peggy as Captain Carter throwing the shield at the camera instead of Steve.

We open on the 1602 London universe again, with the Watcher hovering over the village houses to exposit that this world had peace restored by a hero from a completely different universe, who can be seen slugging beer in that pub over there. We pan through the window to where we left Peggy with Multiversal Guardian Stephen last episode while the Watcher continues giving Peggy's backstory for all the people just joining the program, apparently. The upshot this time is that she left "the love of her life" behind and instead of being "consumed" by grief over that, she just became driven to put right what once went wrong and...sorry, no. That's...something else.

Chrissy: How do you always manage to make a reference to "Quantum Leap?"
Diandra: Because in hindsight, that's probably where my love of all things time travel started.

The Watcher concludes his summary of Peggy's story so far by reminding us of the previous episode (which would have aired one day earlier than this one) ending with her being stuck in the 1600s like he WARNED HER COULD HAPPEN. But then Doctor Strange showed up, so whatever.

Peggy is gushing about how glad she is to see Stephen because she was beginning to think she was going to be stuck here forever. He asks if she's already tired of "first run Shakespeare" and "outdoor plumbing".

Chrissy: Not to mention plague. That was a barrel of laughs.
Diandra: Yeah, isn't it nice to be from the future when people took the spread of diseases seriously and didn't try idiotic alternative cures like blood letting or horse dewormer?

They have a little side banter about how ridiculous their uniforms look before he decides they should have better drinks and changes the tankards on the table into glasses of scotch. Which, he notes, is a few centuries too soon to exist here, but whatever.

Chrissy: Opposition to the rules of time travel and meddling therein noted.
Diandra: Yeah, it seems early to get into this, so right now I'm just gonna note that messing with shit is exactly how he got here.

Peggy sighs happily and takes a sip before asking if he can get her home then. "I'd call a taxi, but I left my purse in another dimension." He says yeah sure, he can help out a fellow Guardian of the Multiverse. This is basically a prompt to remind the viewer of how they know each other as well as a quick recap of his backstory as destroyer of his universe. Or as the Watcher puts it: he "destroyed his soul, his sanity and his universe" in a failed attempt to save Christine. We get a snippet of the ending of that episode where everything is melting away as the Watcher assures us he saw "the error of his ways" far too late.

Emilio: Except now we're going to say he didn't.
Diandra: Hold that thought.

We return from credits as Stephen brings Peggy to the palace The Watcher stuck him in after the whole Ultron thing. He calls it the Sanctum Infinitum. She looks at the sparse, never ending hallways and asks if he's really here all by himself. He says not quite. "I've been kind of busy."

Chrissy: He keeps one of my variants tied up somewhere around here...
Diandra: [sigh] Here we go. That was YOUR idea in the first place, Loki.
Chrissy: You tricked me! I was all ready for a hot wizard master scene and it turned out you just wanted to lock me in a room all night so you could have some peace and quiet.
Diandra: I-[dissolves into giggles for a few minutes] Sorry. Ahem. Drama queen. It was only for a couple hours.
Chrissy: You mock me now, but I will GET MY REVENGE.
Emilio: Why do I think you've been working on this headcanon since that scene in "Ragnarok"?
Chrissy: Since the PREVIEWS. The actual scene was a letdown.
Diandra: Again, I am not writing this fic, Chris.

Coincidentally, Tom's expression here looks a lot like Chrissy's did after I said that.

To illustrate what he's been up to, he points to a wall of villains trapped in miniature bubble cells, highlighting Infinity Ultron, Thanos and Loki.

Chrissy: He occasionally takes that one out of the box to play with.
Diandra: Do you have an off switch?
Chrissy: Yeah, it's right next to my prostate. Or is that the on switch?
Diandra: And now you're Deadpool. Great.
Emilio: When is she ever NOT Deadpool?
Diandra: Ugh. Fine. In that case, my story is that I have to find some way to alleviate the boredom and this place has terrible wifi.

Basically, he's collecting universe destroyers from across the multiverse in this sort of...prison. Stephen says SOMEBODY has to take care of all the universe killers and they know the Watcher won't because that would be "interfering" or some bullshit. Peggy concludes that his "penitence" is to spend his life saving the multiverse from one universe killer at a time. He's like 'see? You get me.' He says he needs her help with something now though. She says she'd really just rather go home now. He promises she will, but...he stutters that it's uh...kind of embarrassing, actually... She interrupts that one of them escaped, didn't they? He is amazed that she guessed so easily.

Chrissy: I mean, it was either that or you gave yourself some weird multiversal STD and I can't imagine how a supersoldier could help with THAT.

Apparently she has been watching a lot of movies from the latter half of the 20th century because she starts rattling off names of the ones where someone tried to keep a collection of dangerous things and one of them escapes: "Gremlins", "Aliens", "Jurassic Park"...

Emilio: Like, half of all horror movies...

He says great, then she'll help, right? She says no, because she can already hear the Watcher reprimanding them for "meddling with the multiverse." "Come on Peg. I know he's a fifth dimensional being with that big head and that soothing voice..."

Diandra: What was I saying? Got a little distracted...

"...but that doesn't always make him right." He asks if she thinks it was wrong for her to save that 1602 world. She sighs and follows him into some sort of vault that has those door portal things we haven't really seen since the first "Doctor Strange". She asks who the bad guy is and Stephen says he's a SHE, actually, which is one way to avoid actually answering the question. He says he lost this still-unidentified danger to the universe somewhere in the Badlands of South Dakota. "Well, what's left of them in that universe, anyway."

He stops on an image of a barren forest in the snow and Peggy starts walking toward it. She freezes and asks why he can't do this himself. He says she will see him coming by now, but she doesn't know Peggy. He magic changes her armor back from the 1602 version to the modern look.

Chrissy: Could someone please tell Benedict he doesn't have to make that weird noise every time Stephen casts a spell?
Diandra: Yeah, I haven't been noting that.
Chrissy: Well, you might want to do that so it isn't weird when I respond with OH GO BING YOURSELF.
Emilio: He's definitely already tried that.

Anyway. He says she just needs to find the woman and he'll bring them both back to this place. She's like 'and then you'll send me right home, right?' "Cross my heart," he says.

Chrissy: Let me see both hands. You're not crossing your fingers behind your back are you?
Diandra: What are we, twelve? Just because I destroyed a whole universe you think I can't be trusted?
Diandra: Actually...hold that thought too.

Peggy asks how she'll recognize this woman. Stephen tells her not to worry about it. "You'll know." Peggy mutters that that's totally not alarming and steps through the portal.

She walks a few feet before spotting what I think is supposed to be Mount Rushmore ahead. Except instead of four presidents it just has one face carved into it: Red Skull. The Watcher appears behind her and she asks if he's here to help or just "narrate." He sighs and says "the bomb at Project Rebirth packed a bigger bang in this universe."

Chrissy: Or play exposition fairy. That works too, I guess.

So without either Steve OR Peggy surviving to turn supersoldier, HYDRA just ran away with their plans unchecked. And won the war. Remember how they were Nazis? Yeah, this is one of the many many many many MANY alt histories where the allies lost. Peggy is like 'I guess that answers the narrating question then' and starts walking away, saying if he isn't going to help he can buzz off. He follows her, asking what she's doing here anyway and why she still hasn't learned her lesson about meddling in other universes.

Emilio: Because it keeps working out?

She says he can shove this argument because they are just never going to agree. He can go back to just watching. "It's not about watching, Peggy. It's about seeing." She snarks that Stephen has figured out how to watch AND see, so she's just gonna side with the guy making a difference here. The Watcher just sighs and tells her to be careful because he "can't bear to narrate what might happen next."

Chrissy: Again with the totally not ominous statements.

The Watcher disappears and a second later, blue energy zips through the trees around Peggy. In the MCU, this would probably signal Quicksilver. Here...there's only one "she" we've seen that this looks like and she was in the credits. Kahhori body slams Peggy several yards. Peggy gets up and starts yelling a threat that is interrupted when she is slammed again. Peggy gasps that that was a good one, then tries a new strategy: pinballing the shield off the trees until it intercepts the blue streak.

Emilio: You didn't see that coming?
Diandra: Ha.

Kahhori hits the ground briefly, then jumps up and slams into Peggy again. Then she apparently decides she's had enough and stops, catching the shield as Peggy gets up and throws it again. "Let me guess," she says, now able to speak English apparently. "He asked you to help him save the multiverse?" Peggy pants yeah, that's about right. Kahhori snorts that he lied to Peggy. SHE isn't the universe killer. HE is. She holds out the shield to Peggy, introduces herself and suggests they help each other because SHE isn't the enemy and "that delusional [Mohawk word that sounds like a curse] is lying to you."

Chrissy: There's no English equivalent, but the closest translation is probably "god fucker".
Diandra: [heavy sigh]

A glowing portal appears under their feet before Peggy can really digest that and they are dropped back into the Palace of the Multiverse where Stephen immediately sends a blast at Kahhori while congratulating Peggy on doing that so fast. She asks what the hell is going on and Kahhori, holding off the beam in a protective bubble, asks if he told her about the Forge. Stephen snaps that Peggy shouldn't listen to her because this is a trick. Kahhori says he's collecting universe killers AND heroes and feeding them all to a forge. They go another round of Peggy asking what she's talking about and Stephen snapping at her to ignore it and Stephen sends a second beam at Kahhori. Kahhori yelps, but keeps babbling that he's doing all this because he's gone off his rocker and thinks this plan will save his universe.

Diandra: There. Right there is where it makes sense and isn't at all out of character unless you already thought he was out of character last season.
Emilio: Which many did.
Diandra: Yeah. But now that we've gone through three other iterations of him, two more of which destroyed an entire universe for one reason or another, is it really that out there?
Chrissy: At the very least it IS consistent with this version, who was so convinced he could fix things that he broke the universe trying no matter how many people begged him to stop.
Diandra: Exactly. His most defining character trait seems to be stubbornness and refusal to accept that some things just shouldn't be done.

Stephen, probably realizing Peggy doesn't believe him anymore, gives up arguing and just snarls at Kahhori that he won't let her stop him. Kahhori yelps as he tries strengthening the blasts. Peggy is like 'so you're still trying to bring back Christine then?' Stephen is like 'duh, but way to lay it all out in case anyone forgot what happened.' He adds that if anyone could understand his desire to bring her back, it would be Peggy. Except Peggy is far more rational and begs him to see how crazy he's being. Apparently thinking his earlier statement wasn't clear enough, he says she would do the same thing for Steve. Peggy hesitates for a really long beat before jumping between them, breaking the beam with her shield and growling that she would NEVER do something like this for Steve and he wouldn't WANT her to because "the cost is too high". He sighs and invokes the two most stable variants we've seen by saying that actually "in the grand scheme of things" it really is a small price. He sends a blast into Peggy's shield that bends around her and targets Kahhori again. She puts up her bubble shield again and Peggy yells at him to stop. He says he can't because he's SO CLOSE. She breaks free of the beam and circles around to try to punch him, but he has some sort of protective shield that she bounces off. She starts hitting it with the shield.

Peggy frantically looks around and we get closeups of some of the destroyers/heroes collected including a wild west version of Loki, something that might be a Hulk and one of the dragons of Ta Lo.

Emilio: That one has his voice for some reason.
Diandra: No. We're not doing that crossover. Stop.

Chrissy: I'm just impressed you got that reference.

Diandra: Oh, shut up.

She chucks her shield at the containment bubbles, breaking a whole row of them. Stephen yelps a protest and shifts focus to the dragon flying up around the ceiling. Peggy mutters that that should keep him busy for a while and goes to help Kahhori, who mutters that she's just as crazy as he is. Peggy ignores this and says they need to destroy the forge before he can use it. Kahhori tells her to hang on and runs them from the room through the absolute chaos that includes various Hulks, Lokis, Vision and members of Thanos' army. They end up either going in a full circle or in another room entirely with more variants and we focus immediately on Xu commanding whoever to bow to the ten rings. Which is when some of the names in the credits start making sense. We see Rocket with red eyes and a partly metal body, but since Bradley wasn't in the credits we can guess he won't say anything. Stephen flies into the room and captures him in a beam. Peggy admits that maybe freeing a bunch of universe killers wasn't the brightest idea and she and Kahhori speed past the western version of Loki, who also will not be speaking, obviously.

They zip into another room seemingly full of nothing but smoke. Something hisses and Kahhori asks if Peggy heard that. Peggy says she was kind of hoping she hadn't. It turns out to be another carryover from last season: zombie Wanda, who didn't need Elizabeth's voice last season and so clearly doesn't here either despite her being in at least one other episode (two if the rumors about the one that was pushed to season 3 are true). "Not her," Kahhori moans. Zombies rise from the mist all around Wanda and Peggy warns Kahhori to be careful because if they bite...Kahhori says she knows because zombies are universal.

Chrissy: And apparently known in the 1400s? Or did you learn this while you were learning English in a different universe?
Diandra: The first mention of zombies as mythical beings anywhere was in the 1800s, so probably the second option there.
Chrissy: .......how do you know that? What fic did you have to research THAT for?
Diandra: It was a paper in college, actually. And it wasn't really zombies per se, it's just that zombies, vampires and werewolves all stem from the same fear of rabies.
Emilio: That actually explains a lot.

Wanda tries to blast them and Peggy blocks it with her shield again. Kahhori jumps into the air (because I guess she can fly now) and blasts Wanda back. Wanda also flies and they start an arial battle while Peggy takes care of the zombie army on the ground. Kahhori somehow flies right INTO Wanda, surrounding her with a bubble a second before she just disappears. Then she drops down beside Peggy and they fend off a few more zombies before the hoard suddenly stops and their eyes turn green. They all turn and kneel to their approaching queen: Hela, riding a similarly green eyed Fenris. In case you were wondering why Cate was in the credits. This Hela is closer to the one in Ragnarok as she commands Peggy and Kahhori to kneel along with the rest of the good minions. Kahhori's eyes glow and she says the last woman who said that to her ended up regretting it. Hela chuckles that she is the Goddess of Death, so...you know... She hurls a bunch of arrows and Kahhori stops them mid air and sends them back over her head. Hela yelps indignantly but before she can try anything else, Sutur blasts through the wall into the room like SO WE MEET AGAIN. Hela launches into a rematch. A bunch of portals appear in the room and Peggy suggests they leave all these...whatever they are to "the warden".

They run out, past more appearing portals. One appears in the middle of the hall and Thanos grabs Peggy's shield with the hand wearing the fully jeweled gauntlet. Kahhori's eyes glow. Thanos snaps with the wrong hand and turns to dust. The women watch it blow down the hall and Kahhori shrugs like 'what are you looking at me for? I didn't do anything.' Except instead of this being some sort of screw up and he did it to himself, it turns out he was dusted by the next guy to come out of the portal: Killmonger. Wearing the suit with the Infinity Stones, so clearly the version from last season that was the first to go into the collection. But we don't have Michael B. Jordan this season, so he's not gonna talk. The stones on his chest glow. Kahhori braces, then shrugs and flicks a wrist, ripping him right out of the armor and sending him back through the portal.

Peggy looks at the smoking pieces of armor on the ground and asks where Kahhori just sent him. Instead of answering, we just switch to the other room, where Killmonger lands and starts fighting Xu until some versions of Thor and Loki fly at each other overhead and create an explosion. Peggy puts on the Infinity Armor and says this should help "even the odds." The whole building rumbles and stone dust falls in the hallway and Kahhori notes that Stephen has started up the forge.

She runs Peggy to it and it's basically a room with a big, circular pit with a wall/gangplank leading into the middle of it. At the bottom is a spinning orb thing that glows. Peggy asks Kahhori how they can destroy it. Stephen's voice booms from overhead that he'd rather they didn't. Then he does his best supervillain laugh because he's given up all pretense at this point and notes that she changed her costume. He points out that he defeated that armor last season when it was worn by a genocidal robot. She's like 'yeah, well...let's see how you do now that there's a hero in it instead of a villain.' She slings her shield, hitting him in the face. Then she sends a blast from the Infinity stones to join Kahhori's beam of energy. Which only knocks him back a bit. He smarms that if they really want to "play", they should have said so and the Cerberus dragon (apparently) he absorbed to become all powerful flows out of him.

Peggy fights all three heads while Kahhori darts to the side to blast into the forge. Stephen tries to stop her too, which I guess is enough distraction for Peggy to use at least one of the stones to turn the dragons on him. They wrap around him and explode and he emerges from it relatively unharmed but with spots of his cloak on fire. He grumbles that she CLEARLY has figured out how to work the armor and tries to blast them from above. Kahhori runs along the circular wall at hyperspeed, sending blasts from all directions. Peggy collects the energy from a blast with the infinity armor, redirecting it into the forge. Stephen warns that she's just making it unstable and blasts her back. She throws the shield, which he deflects easily, somehow generates another, which he deflects even faster, but somehow wraps around and smacks him in the back of the head anyway. Kahhori is still blasting from the wall. He finally stops that by putting up a wall in her path. She falls into the forge, but manages to redirect through a portal or something so she lands on the other side of the walkway from Peggy.

Chrissy: How are you doing with the descriptions over there?
Diandra: Have I ever mentioned how much I hate writing battle/action sequences?
Chrissy: That's why I asked.
Diandra: Ugh.

Peggy throws the shield again, which Stephen portals away from him and into Kahhori. Peggy uses armor energy to rip him down to the walkway. She and the recovered Kahhori try the twin blast thing again, which he strains to hold off with magic shields. Kahhori takes the moment to tell him that he's been alone for so long here that he's forgotten "there are more of us than there are of you."

Chrissy: Are you sure about that? Are there any variants of HIM in those little bubble cells?
Diandra: There's actually not that many of us after the one went around killing a bunch of us before being killed by the apparently ONE version that cannot be turned to the dark side.

Stephen actually says 'uh...not exactly' and slams the two women together, floating up into the air and replicating. Peggy looks at the three dozen or so copies, says hey, that's actually a good idea and activates the reality stone to create a few copies of herself too.

Emilio: You actually recognize which stone that is. I'm impressed.
Diandra: We're like, three dozen movies and shows into this franchise. And I wrote a fic that paralleled the Infinity War/Endgame plot. If I didn't know THAT much by now, you would definitely have reason to be worried.
Chrissy: Oh, we have PLENTY of other reasons to be worried about you.

The Doctor Strange theme plays while we circle around all the Stephen's fighting all the Peggys (and Kahhori). We focus on the real Peggy, who blasts away a bunch of copies while the real Stephen taunts her from somewhere. Or sort of pleads with her to just give up because "it doesn't have to end this way". Several Peggy copies leap toward the floating Stephens and he explodes them all into butterflies. The real Peggy and Kahhori stand in the middle of the flock of butterflies and the music crescendos and then...the screen goes black.

Steve's voice (at least as we know it in this show) says a line apparently from the first Captain America and Peggy opens her eyes back in the lab before either of them got in the open super soldier machine. She asks if this is real. Steve is confused.

Chrissy: Don't pretend that's a first for you. Good thing you're pretty.
Diandra: Which of us was playing...hey!

They go down to the main platform and Stanley Tucci's doctor character asks if she wouldn't be more comfortable up in the booth. This was the moment when things changed in the first episode of this show. This time, Peggy hesitates and Steve asks her to stay with him. They can "finish the fight" and win the war together. "You and me, Peg. We can finally be together."

A butterfly flies behind his head and Peggy frowns. Steve, sensing he's losing her, does puppy dog eyes and says he loves her. She looks back and forth between him and the butterfly and declares that he's not really Steve. Steve turns into Stephen and he tries to punch her. She catches his fist and punches him, exploding the lab away in a bunch of butterflies.

Chrissy: One of these days we're going to have to talk about this butterfly obsession of yours.
Diandra: What? You don't want to focus on the fact that I keep pretending to be the love interest in these illusions, even when the guy I'm trying to fool is another me?
Emilio: I would just like to remind you of the "go bing yourself" conversation earlier...
Chrissy: Right. He's probably perfected this technique over however many years he's been alone in this prison. When he isn't just having some fun with the psycho killers before trapping them.
Emilio: That would probably make a good-
Diandra: Fic, yes. I can see where you're going with this. I'm not writing it.
Emilio: [shrugs at Chrissy] I tried.

Stephen's like 'okay, so much for that strategy.' You asked for this. He levitates and opens several portals, dropping all the fighting villains in the other rooms through into the forge. Kahhori recognizes Atahraks among the falling bodies and exposits that the protection around the forge is weakening, so she can try portaling them home. She throws energy that catches all the falling bodies and starts dragging them back up to the portals. The portals turn from yellow to blue as she takes control of them. Stephen snarls and tries to blast her. She bounces and Peggy jumps in to deflect the blast with her shield. A giant rock hand or something reaches out of the wall this time to grab Kahhori and the portals go yellow again and drop everyone.

Peggy sends a blast from the time stone that freezes everyone mid-fall and reverses them again. Stephen is like 'oh, that's cute. You're trying to use the time stone against the guy who was keeper of the time stone.' He opens the eye of Agamotto and they all freeze again.

Chrissy: Oh, just kill us already and stop this demented yo-yo thing.

He blasts Peggy, which distracts him enough to free Kahhori to join her. He yells that if he can't save his universe "countless others will die" and he REALLY thought Peggy would understand this, which is why he gave her a CHOICE.

Chrissy: Uh...which time was that?
Diandra: SHUT UP I'M NOT FINISHED WITH MY BAD GUY SOLILOQUY.

But now he's just gonna kill her and feed all these people to the death machine and hope this is gonna work to bring back his universe that he DESTROYED by stubbornly following through on crazy ass plans exactly like this.

Hela, mid fall, takes off her horn crown and chucks it at Peggy, yelling "give him Hel!" A Thor variant follows suit and chucks Mjolnir onto the walkway. Xu flings all ten rings at her feet and several other characters fling all manner of swords and daggers, the last of which is a green glowing thing from a character even Nerdopedia can't seem to identify.

Chrissy: Oh, that ISN'T someone we're supposed to recognize?
Diandra: Apparently not. I just checked because I thought it was some sort of Easter egg that comic book fans would totally get, but no. They can't seem to agree on whether it's a version of The Hulk, whose sword shoots gamma energy or the first glimpse of Captain Britain with a version of the Sword of Might.
Emilio: Maybe that's the character Henry Cavill is playing.
Diandra: That would be one popular theory. And it would make a whole lot more sense than him just being a Wolverine variant, but...in all likelihood this was either supposed to make sense because it was in the episode that was shifted to season 3 or because he will be introduced in the next thing in this franchise.

Peggy nods at Kahhori and they break the energy beam he's holding them with. Peggy grabs the last sword and blasts him into a wall with a beam from it. Kahhori makes blue portals UNDER the falling people this time and Atahraks nods at her as he falls through one.

Stephen peels himself out of the crater in the wall while Kahhori takes Mjolnir and the ten rings and Peggy takes everything else. In an increasingly unhinged tone he says they can't stop him because he's just gonna get more ughf... Kahhori pins him back to the wall with Mjolnir. He disappears and reappears on the walkway where he is pelted by the hammer, the shield, blasts, etc. He makes himself a fire sword, which I'm sure Hela would appreciate if she were still here. Peggy disrupts it and attacks. He takes several hits, but is still going. Kahhori comes in with the rings and he starts turning into the demon creature he was by the end of the episode last season as they take turns smacking him around. They blast him to the edge of the walkway with every weapon they have and Peggy begs him to just give up already. The demon creature unfolds its wings and snarls "nothing is ever over."

Chrissy: Huh. That sounds suspiciously like Dormammu.

Peggy calls to the Stephen she knew who might still be in there somewhere, but the creature blasts Kahhori back and leaps toward Peggy, vomiting fire into her shield. She yelps that this isn't him like she's trying to reason with a rampaging werewolf. Kahhori recovers and binds his hands with the ten rings. He blasts out of that in a couple seconds. Peggy chucks the glowing sword that is, I think, Gugnir and he sort of catches it in his palm, which makes a sort of...smiley face light scar? What the hell is that?

And why does it look drunk?

Kahhori throws Mjolnir and he catches it in his teeth and shatters it. "I will bring her back," he says in a voice that is sounding increasingly unrecognizable. "You cannot stop me." Peggy launches at him shield first and bounces right off him. He blasts the walkway so he's basically standing alone on a pillar over the forge. The stones fall off Peggy's armor. She leaps across the blown out walkway and Kahhori magics the stones to her. She punches him with the combined force of all of them and all the demon creatures shoot out of Stephen.
Kahhori looks down into the forge where the rings are spinning off the energy ball and yelps at Peggy that it's about to explode. She stands over the kneeling Stephen and says he built the thing, so he must know how to stop it. He sighs that it's grown stronger than he can control because his "grief is too strong". Peggy ignores that nonsense and argues that Christine wouldn't want him to do this.

Chrissy: I would just like to note that Diandra just accidentally typed that Christine wouldn't "wank", which I'm pretty sure is the villain origin story from another timeline.
Diandra: Gross.
Chrissy: And that is why you are still single.
Diandra: Good.

Stephen admits that no, she wouldn't. A demon emerges from the smoke still circling him and says "but WE do." It has a third eye, so...make of that what you will. He screams as all the demons dive back into his body and the demon tackles Peggy over the edge of the walkway. Peggy screams as they fall toward the forge, then recovers and punches him several times before leaping off his chest and grabbing the nearest crack in the wall as a handhold.

The demon creature tries to do something maybe to save itself, but Stephen's head emerges from its neck and it stops. Peggy calls his name and he looks at her one last time before closing his eyes and disappearing into the forge with the hellbeast he created. The forge explodes and everything goes white.

Now. I would like to take a minute to bitch...sorry TALK about some of the insane dudebro responses to this. Because once you got past the "out of character" arguments, there was a whole lot of complaining about how impossible it is that two women beat a guy that powerful, full of words like "woke" and "girl power" and a wonton disregard for the fact that they were LOSING until they attacked him with ALL THE WEAPONS and he still had to yeet himself into his own death machine in the end.

Chrissy: Yeah, they...cannot be reasoned with. Might as well save your breath.
Emilio: Or at least save it for "The Marvels" where it's going to be a WHOLE thing.
Diandra: Ugh. I...don't know that I want to face that whole gleeful takedown of a movie before it even got off the ground and how they think it proves they are in control of what stories do and don't get told in this universe.
Chrissy: That is literally why fanfiction exists.
Diandra: Because women are so used to men controlling the narrative that they had to create their own spaces where they can rewrite it? Yeah. That's basically the conclusion of every book on fandom studies including the very non-academic one I got an essay into.

Peggy cautiously opens her eyes again to find herself in the hall of mirrors or wherever that place is that the Watcher resides. She guesses this means she's not dead. He says no, and neither is Kahhori. He already sent her home.

The screen goes white again and then comes into focus on the New York skyline as seen from somewhere in Central Park. It turns out we are seeing what Peggy and the Watcher are seeing as she exposits that the woman wandering over to sit on a park bench is Christine. Meaning Stephen's plan worked. The Watcher says yes, it turns out he just had to die to bring her back. This universe is now one he can never exist in.

Emilio: That is very comic book.
Diandra: Yes, it is. Sort of like Nebula undoing Thanos' snap and turning herself into a vegetable in the process.

Or...whatever this is.

Peggy sighs about all the pain and suffering resulting in a world he could never see. "And I nearly helped him do it." The Watcher shrugs that they both saw the good in him, which was the part of him that took control at the very end and "conquered his demons and saved his world."

Chrissy: Obvious metaphor is obvious.

Peggy realizes The Watcher must have seen the whole thing and how close they came to losing. He says they didn't and "the multiverse didn't need me to intervene" because she could handle it. A butterfly flutters over and lands on his outstretched hand. He asks if she's ready to go back to her universe now. She says yes, but suggests taking the "scenic route". The Watcher chuckles that yes. They can do that. He swipes away the scenery, replacing it with the multiverse tree Loki made himself into at the end of his show. Which explains why some people said you could see the Watcher for a second through the strands as he was doing it. The fanfare leads us into the credits. And there is still no mid or post credit scene.

Chrissy: So do you want to do any of the stuff that comes next or do you want to take a break and write any of the stuff we've been prompting you with. Or the stuff you've been texting us about.
Diandra: [grumble]
Emilio: Or we could recap something else. Like "The Night Manager".
Diandra: Chrissy tell you to say that at some point?
Emilio: Maybe.
Diandra: Uh-huh. Yeah, sure, we can try that.
Chrissy: Wait...what?
Diandra: Meanwhile, I'll debate whether I want to attempt at least a brief runthrough of "Ms. Marvel", "The Marvels" and "Secret Invasion". And "Echo".
Emilio: Skipping "Guardians 3"?
Diandra: Until it proves to be anything more than an over indulgent farewell to those characters, yes. I'm not even sure about "Secret Invasion" because it turns out we're STILL doing things out of order and it was supposed to come AFTER "The Marvels", so we haven't seen how important it is to anything upcoming yet.
Chrissy: Excuse me? Can we go back to the part where you maybe, after YEARS of me nagging, just casually agreed to recap "The Night Manager" after Emilio suggests it once?
Diandra: Did I?
Chrissy: ..................I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, but if you're just messing with me, so help me...