The Night Manager, part 1

The Night Manager (episodes 1-3)

Starring: Tom Hiddleston, Hugh Laurie, Olivia Colman, Elizabeth Debicki, Alistair Petrie, Tom Hollander, Michael Nardone, Hovik Keuchkerian, Adeel Akhtar, David Harewood, Tobias Menzies, Natasha Little, Noah Jupe, Katherine Kelly, Nasser Memarzia, Jonathan Aris, David Avery, Aure Atika

Chrissy: Really? After years of trying to convince you, we're really doing this?
Diandra: The fact that there are plans to do a second season and the knowledge that I definitely forgot all of the first made a compelling argument that I should.
Chrissy: You're not just doing this because you're bored with the MCU?
Diandra: Also that.

Episode 1

We start with "Richard Roper" speaking to the UN about how all the great philanthropists are businessmen and entrepreneurs, which is why he started a refugee aide program in the late 90s. "Because my good fortune means nothing unless it also lifts up my fellow man."

Emilio: So he's basically Tony Stark.
Diandra: We're doing this to take a break from the MCU, Emilio. But yes.

And then we're in Egypt, the establishing location shot of which has pyramids, of course. According to the chyron, it is January of 2011, so we're just going to show some footage of that whole Arab Spring thing where they overthrew Mubarak that blends into a recreation of it that Tom Hiddleston walks through, past explosions and guys firing machine guns. He shows a guard an ID to get past a barrier and goes right into a ritzy hotel. A man appears to tell him, in French, that his shift doesn't start until 8 and also establish that his name is Jonathan. Also, how the hell did he even get here? By walking through THAT SHIT outside? Is he insane? Jonathan insists he's seen worse.

Chrissy: Well, that's one way to establish character quickly.

Sometime later, he's talking to a woman on the phone when an entitled white Karen flags him down to demand that he get her and her family out of this place RIGHT NOW. He says the hotel is actually the safest place she could be at the moment. In this country anyway. This is punctuated by a loud bang and everyone in the lobby ducks for cover. As they're scrambling back up, he directs her to the bar where she can have a drink (or several) on the house.

Chrissy: Well, if you're going to smile and flutter your eyelashes like that, sir...
Diandra: While offering free drinks?
Chrissy: Oh, that's just icing at this point.

He orders people away from windows and calls somebody to report tear gas grenades 50 yards west of the Nefertiti Hotel. He says the guests are getting anxious.

Skip to sometime later, again. A woman who looks like a younger Katey Sagal swaggers past with a small dog under one arm. The other hotel employee Jonathan was talking to earlier identifies her as "Freddie Hamid's mistress". Jonathan just stares at her. But sometime later, after he puts somebody in a taxi, she's standing at the desk. He asks if he can do anything for her.

Chrissy: [clears throat]
Diandra: Nobody asked you.

She says he can make her coffee.

Chrissy: With hot cream if you know what I mean.
Diandra: I'm going to regret to agreeing to this recap, aren't I?
Chrissy: Oh, whatever. You knew what you were getting into.
Emilio: Yeah, I think that's why she invited me. She thinks I can help her keep you in line.
Chrissy: I love how you phrased that. She thinks.
Diandra: No, she knows that's impossible.

She goes to sit in the lounge area, where he brings the coffee. She invites him to sit with her. He says he needs to get more people to their taxis. She insists until he finally sits across from her. She prompts him for some exposition and he obliges. Her name is Sophie Alekan and Hamid is paying for her stay in the hotel. She says Hamid is everything the protesters are angry about: wealthy AND corrupt. His family owns half the city, which she probably doesn't need to tell somebody who works there, but she adds that he also owns her. Then she decides it's time to dump some exposition about *him* and prompts him to talk about why she saw him sailing with a yacht club before all hell broke loose. An old army buddy at the British embassy sometimes invites him to that.

Having appeased the Exposition Gods, she gets to the point and asks if he would copy some documents for her. He says they have a service that does that, but she insists it has to go through his office as it's confidential and she trusts him for some reason. He reluctantly lets her into his office and she pulls out a pile of papers and hands it to him.

Chrissy: Oh, there are actual documents you want copied? I thought that was just a line.

He takes the papers like an obedient little soldier and turns to the copier. Then he looks at the top paper and his face freezes because it's some sort of cargo manifest or something that includes all sorts of weapons both projectile and chemical. And tanks. And a jet. Like a checklist for the armory at a military base. He flips to a page with a letter to Hamid on stationary emblazoned Iron Last, Ltd. before sticking it on the copier and pushing buttons to make a copy. He watches the rest of the paperwork with lines redacted and sales receipts go through nervously, faking nonchalance so she doesn't get suspicious. He hands her both copies and she asks if he has an envelope he can use to seal the copy in the hotel safe. She instructs him to take it to his friend at the embassy if "anything" were to happen to her in the near future here. He's like 'oooookay, are you telling me you believe you are in danger, or...?' She brushes it off and asks if he's always been the night manager because it's somewhat of a tragedy that he would keep those hours. "You look fine by daylight."

Chrissy: [clears throat loudly] But I'll take candlelight or the soft glow of a lamp. But more importantly, those conditions would really compliment that suit, which would look very fine against the carpet after I tear it off of you with my teeth.
Diandra: You don't want to pace yourself then, I take it?
Chrissy: I thought I was.

He goes down to the hotel kitchen to talk to a buddy named Youssef. He says there's this guy named Freddie Hamid who is involved in some sort of deal and he needs to find out more about it. Youssef's face falls a little and he warns Jonathan against getting on "the wrong side" of the Hamids. They are interrupted when the news playing on the tv in the background announces that Mubarek has officially resigned. All the cook staff gathers to watch and cry and cheer and Youssef hugs Jonathan in excitement.

Sometime later, Jonathan is watching further spontaneous celebrations on the news, which continues in the background while he calls a hotel Youssef identified, gets transferred to the bar and pretends to be a friend of Freddie Hamid who was supposed to meet him tonight and do they know where he is? Obviously Egyptians are not trained to NEVER answer questions like this as he easily tells him that Mr. Roper invited Hamid to have dinner on his yacht and they left already. Jonathan is like 'oh, did you say Roper? Thanks.' He writes down the name, takes out the papers he copied again and watches a video on his computer of Roper giving a speech about his "safe haven project". "Because my good fortune means nothing unless it also lifts up my fellow man," he says while Jonathan is looking at the receipt for all the horrific bio weapons.

And then we get a moment of him lying awake in bed just for gratuity.

Chrissy: Which is very much appreciated, thanks.

He goes to the British Embassy the next morning to talk to "Simon", who is played by Russell Tovey, aka Hey, It's That British Guy. He shows him the receipts and Simon concludes there's enough weaponry to start a war. "Or crush a popular uprising," Jonathan adds. Yeah, that's where the timing becomes important. He asks Simon to keep his name out of it - claim he got this information from an anonymous source.

In London, Olivia Coleman receives the documents at the International Enforcement Agency. She calls over her coworker who is fighting with a broken heater to show him that "he's back. Get me all the files you can on Richard Roper." He can bury any red flags that would send up in a "random sweep of all Brits living off shore. Make us look like a bunch of amateurs looking for a needle in a haystack."

Back in Egypt, Sophie calls Jonathan at the desk to ask that he bring a scotch and soda to her room. He points out that room service is a thing and also there is a mini bar in her room.

Chrissy: Yes, but what good is money and power if I can't have the pretty guy at the reception desk serve me personally?

She says she knows where the mini bar is, but she wants HIM. So not that far off of what Chrissy said, really.

He shows up with the drink on a tray and cheerfully asks "just here on the table, ma'am?"

Chrissy: God no. Last time I did that I had back pain for a oh you meant the drink.
Emilio: That too.

She asks who he showed the papers to and promises he can tell her and she will understand. Because Freddie Hamid just paid her a visit, having spoken to Richard Roper, "the worst man in the world." Roper broke whatever deal they had and Freddie was NOT happy. She turns so he can see that half her face is covered in bruises and asks who "warned" Roper. He just gapes at her.

Then he apparently arranges to have her moved to another room and leaves her dog in the care of the concierge. He apologizes. She says no, he did the right thing, as she would have if she had been braver. He vows to "take care of" her. She is skeptical.

He goes back to the desk and leaves a message with Simon to call him. An Egyptian guy marches up, identifies him as "hey, you" and orders him to call the Hatshepsut suite because his "friend" there isn't answering. Jonathan goes through the motions and lets it ring maybe twice before confirming that she's not answering. Freddie (obviously) demands he hand over the room key and starts yelling and knocking things off the counter and playing the "do you know who I am" card when Jonathan points out that that would be violating hotel policy. Freddie grabs him by the neck and drags him to the area where the keys are held, then to the room, forcing him to open it. He stands in the corner while Freddie paces the empty room and yells into his phone that he'll find her. He hangs up and immediately gets a call from Roper, who he assures he is "dealing with it." He gives Jonathan a card with a number and orders him to call it if he sees her again, then storms off.

Jonathan grabs an open bag and packs Sophie's scattered stuff before smuggling her out of the hotel to go hide in a place belonging to an archeologist friend who will be gone for the next couple weeks. She begs him to come with her and I guess because that's the easiest way to follow the story thread, he does. Yousef drives them to the house and Jonathan makes him promise to tell ABSOLUTELY NO ONE where they are.

He gets them water out of the fridge and they sit on mattresses lining different walls. She asks why he's sitting so far away. He says probably out of respect.

Chrissy: You know, in my experience, the more polite and gentlemanly they are, the bigger the kinks.
Emilio: I think that works for girls too.

She asks if he came all the way out here to "respect" her.

Chrissy: Or did you mean pay your respects? I'm sure we can find a cushion around here somewhere...
Diandra: See, this is why I didn't want to do this recap.
Emilio: And this is why *I* did.

She rambles about him having something like a split personality, one that "touches" her and then is immediately called away and replaced with another. "Are you like this with all your women?" He stutters that she is not one of HIS women. She gets up and moves to his mattress, telling him that she doesn't care which face he wears when he takes her to bed tonight. He kisses her and we get a few seconds of them rolling around in a bed with what is clearly morning light in the room and Chrissy gets alarmingly quiet.

Sometime after, Jonathan asks what her real name is because obviously it isn't Sophie. She says no, she changed it to appear more "Western", but it's Samira. He repeats it softly and makes eyes at her.

Chrissy: [clears throat] Yes, I would like to thank you for agreeing to finally do this recap, Diandra.
Diandra: Oh, you're back. Welcome.
Chrissy: [watches my face for a full minute] Wow. You really are asexual, aren't you?
Diandra: I'm not THAT unaffected. I haven't written pages and pages of porn featuring a character with his face for nothing.
Chrissy: Hmm, that's right. Henry is mostly based on Jonathan, isn't he? Hey, congratulations on finally finishing that story so I can stop nagging you about it.
Diandra: Er...thanks?
Chrissy: So basically you would be more affected if she was Benedict Cumberbatch, right?
Diandra: [groan] And right back to regretting this.
Emilio: [giggles}
Diandra: And you're not helping!

In London, Olivia, aka Angela confronts the guy who forwarded the papers to her. "Richard Roper is selling arms to the youngest Hamid brother in the heart of Cairo in the middle of what we hope is the Arab Spring. Isn't that exactly what we're looking for?" Apparently there's some politics involved with her just going after Roper like an attack dog. Something about arming people they know the phone numbers of over a bunch of unknown religious fanatics.

Emilio: AKA the argument against toppling every dictatorship, including Mubarak.
Diandra: AKA, the Better the Devil You Know argument.

He says the brass is going to have a meeting and share intelligence and "pursue the art of the possible."

And I don't remember if there were any complaints when this came out about the fact that not only did they change the sex of this character, but they rewrote her entire part because she was MASSIVELY pregnant when they were filming, so she's been sitting down the last two scenes in an effort to hide that for now.

Back in Egypt, Jonathan asks Samira at breakfast if she ever met Roper. She says yes. He asks what he was like. She says "charming."

Chrissy: Probably not interested in a three way if that's what you're thinking.
Diandra: Oh, thanks for THAT mental image.
Chrissy: Don't pretend you didn't read the fics, Diandra.

Jonathan asks why she calls him the worst man in the world. She says because he sells "death and destruction" with a smile.

Emilio: You might call him the Merchant of Death.
Diandra: You could, but then you might be sued by Disney. [ETA: apparently they can't claim that one, so I was wrong]

Jonathan gets a text from Yousef that Hamid is looking for her again. He says she should leave the country. She doesn't know where she would leave FOR. He says he can help her get to England.

He goes back to the hotel and meets Simon, who tells him that "they" are pleased with his intel. He asks why they tipped off Roper then. Simon plays dumb and Jonathan says he knows about that because his source got beaten up by Freddie. Simon sneers that his source was "Freddie Hamid's whore". Jonathan shows great restraint in not smacking him. Simon notes that wherever she's hidden can't be a long term solution so what's the plan? Because he certainly doesn't think the British government is going to offer her a safe haven, does he? The Hamid's have a lot of wealth and power in England, apparently, so the government is not interested in pissing them off. Also, Freddie has plenty of friends in London, so she wouldn't be any safer there anyway. Jonathan argues that they have a "duty of care" to someone who provides intel that can save lives. Simon argues that if he flies her out of the country it will broadcast her guilt to Freddie AND Roper, so she'd be better off trying to convince Freddie she is ignorant of it all.

Jonathan goes to his office to call her and tell her he can't get her to London, but he can find another way if she gives him some time.

Instead, she comes right back to the hotel and demands her room key from him. He stammers a protest, but she insists and asks for her dog to be brought to her too.

Back at spy headquarters, Angela is grumbling about how Roper is so careful that they can find ABSOLUTELY NOTHING linking him to anything. Her coworker Rob gets a call that that meeting they were talking about has been cancelled because nobody thinks talking about "the Cairo papers" is a good idea right now. She seems to conclude that Roper has somehow killed the story and starts tracking down who sent the documents in the first place.

And in the next scene, she's calling Jonathan at the hotel desk. She just tells him the guest in the Hatshepsut suite needs to leave NOW and gives him a phone number to call when she's safe. He scrambles to write it down and asks who she is. She says she's Angela Burr and she's just a friend. Now shut up and DO IT before something happens to the woman. He runs to her room, but he's too late. She's on the floor in a pool of blood, the dog sitting beside her covered in some of it but thankfully alive (I hate when humans make animals collateral damage). He shakes her to verify she is dead and then sits on the floor, sobbing.

The next morning, he tells the officer who arrives at the scene who she was and that she was connected to Freddie Hamid. The officer plays dumb, acting like he doesn't know who that is and then pointedly telling him this was CLEARLY the work of a crazed burglar. He objects that a burglar wouldn't DO this and the officer suggests that maybe HE could have done it like 'I can spin this any way I need to, buddy and you'll make it a whole lot easier on yourself if you don't fight it.'

And then suddenly it's four years later and he's working the same job at a hotel in the mountains of Switzerland. It seems to be a much quieter place with hardly any night activity. He goes to remind the day manager that he was supposed to LEAVE when he showed up, but the guy says he's just arranging a last minute special booking of a guest coming by private jet. He hands Jonathan a paper that has the name R. Roper on it, rambling about how this guy used to stay every year, "long before your time". Oh, and there's a package that was delivered for him already. He hands that to Jonathan too and leaves for the night.

Chrissy: This almost sounds like the beginning of a horror movie.
Diandra: Bunch of random people stranded at a hotel overnight in the middle of nowhere? Yeah.

Roper arrives by helicopter with his wife, Elizabeth Debliki. Jonathan greets him and he introduces himself as "Dickey". Yeah, I'm...not doing that. And her name is Jed. Roper asks where "Herr Meister" is, holed up somewhere watching porn? Jonathan says he is "unavoidably tied up tonight."

Chrissy: [opens mouth]
Diandra: Say it and I quit this recap right now.
Chrissy: Hmmpf.
Emilio: She doesn't need to. We're all thinking it now.

Roper looks him up and down and notes that he's English. Then he somewhat awkwardly introduces his lackey over at the sign in desk: Corky, before returning back to the subject of Jonathan, who is clearly new here. Jonathan says he's been there for two and a half years. Roper asks where he was before that. Jonathan says Italy and Tangier and they stare at each other for a second like they're playing poker and Roper is trying to work out his tell.

Jonathan shows them to the room while Corky tells somebody over the phone in absolutely horrible French that Roper is very tired and needs to change it (possibly a meeting?). One of his other men is talking to somebody in English about delivery by Tuesday. Jonathan pours Roper some champagne and rambles about the room probably being exactly as he remembers, but the bathrooms were completely renovated into mini spas. Jed announces she's going to go take a bath, kisses Roper and Jonathan has a vision of a beaten up Samira as she walks past him. Roper catches him looking at her and pointedly notes that she's pretty, isn't she? He looks away quickly. And then she strips off her dress right in front of them and Jonathan tries not to swallow his tongue. Another woman comes in the room who seems to be related to the guy who was talking about a delivery earlier. Corky asks Roper if Monday at lunch is okay. Roper agrees and asks Jonathan if any package came for them. Jonathan lies that he hasn't seen anything, but he'll check. Other guy suggests a possible meeting with a "friend" in town, which Roper says is too public and should be transferred to the hotel. Corky glances at Jed, now bathing in front of everybody apparently, and asks Jonathan "play golf, do we, sweetheart?" Jonathan says no. "Me neither. Just the nineteenth hole." He drinks some champagne while Jonathan probably tries to figure out if he's being propositioned.

Chrissy: Yes.
Emilio: Yes.

Jed asks if somebody could bring her the "shampoo". Roper notes that she means the champagne, actually, and tells Jonathan to do it. When Jonathan starts moving in that direction he says no, CLEARLY that was a test and you failed. Roll your tongue back into your mouth, kid. He takes the bottle and drops a bunch of pills into it, ordering Jonathan to get them some more and find out what happened to that package.

Jonathan runs to the nearest toilet and vomits. Then he calmly returns to the front desk and asks his coworker to make copies of the late arrival guest list for random survey reasons. Once she's out of the room, he retrieves the package, which seems to contain a bunch of sim cards. He writes a note, puts it in his pocket and brings the package to a guy in the kitchen to deliver to the room. And also make sure the trash in that room is emptied immediately because Roper "hates mess".

Sometime that night, Jed comes down to the reception area in a robe. She asks Jonathan if the pool is open and he scrambles to let her have a late night skinny dipping session before going dumpster diving. He finds the old sim cards shoved in an empty champagne bottle.

In the morning, he goes back to his place, finds the piece of paper with the number Angela gave him wedged inside a book and asks whoever answers if he can still speak to her.

The next night, Roper is having that meeting in what is probably the dining room. Corky comes out and summons Jonathan over like a dog. He says the women will be leaving them soon and "make sure they're well serviced in the lounge."

Chrissy: [cough] I...
Corky [before Chrissy can say anything else]: I trust that won't be too painful for you?
Chrissy: [whatever she was going to say is buried in a fit of choking laughter]
Emilio: You have a whole scene in your head right now, don't you?
Chrissy: [nods][wipes away a tear][dry heaves]
Diandra: I'm assuming it started out normal, but took an abrupt left turn into BDSM.
Chrissy: And I have a whole library of pictures of Tom and/or Loki in various forms of bondage, including that new Christmas themed one.[ETA: That was the picture she sent me. I have no idea where she found it]
Diandra: Yeah, thanks for sharing THAT with me.
Chrissy: I mean, even an asexual has to admit that the red ribbon/gag combo compliments Loki's green leather nicely, right?
Emilio: So just to be clear: the answer to "that won't be too painful for you" is "only as much as it is supposed to be", right?
Chrissy: Correct.
Diandra: [groan]

As the women leave the room, he hovers long enough to hear Roper talk about an offer on combine harvesters in the next six months.

Roper finds him out back smoking later and makes small talk about his ridiculous hours and how difficult it must be for his girlfriend. Jonathan says he doesn't have one. Roper notes that most people would have put out the cigarette when confronted by a paying customer and he's impressed that Jonathan didn't.

Morning or sometime days later, it isn't really clear, Angela arrives in Switzerland and meets Jonathan at a restaurant. He hands her the cards and a list of associated numbers, says Roper was a recent guest at the hotel and he thought she should have them, but he doesn't want to be involved any further. She asks why he's risking his career by "snitching" on his guests for a second time. "If there's a man selling a private arsenal to an Egyptian crook and he's English and you're English and those weapons could cause a lot of pain to a lot of people...then you just do it. Anyone would do it." She exposits that he was a soldier who did two tours in Iraq, so he's seen first hand the damage those weapons can do. He says he saw things that didn't "line up" with his idea of what being a soldier is about. She sighs that what happened to Sophie has gotten them all involved in this. She feels guilty for not stopping it, and he certainly can't possibly forgive the guy who killed her. "The question is: what are you prepared to do about it?"

And on that note we smash to the credits.

Chrissy: You know...I'm glad you waited until you were done with that fic to start this, actually. Now I can really see how much Henry was based on Jonathan.
Diandra: With a little bit of Thomas Sharpe's tragic romanticism, yeah. Apparently John LeCarre said Tom was perfect for the part. Clearly we agree on that point.
Chrissy: Probably would have been perfect for James Bond too, but...
Diandra: Yeah, I'm sure we'll go over that several times over the next episodes.

Episode 2

We open this episode with a montage of Jed showering and slowly trying on a couple different colors of lacey underwear.

Emilio: Did I forget to thank you for inviting me to this recap, Diandra?
Diandra: So neither of you are here for the plot is what you're saying?
Chrissy: Pfffffttt. Come on. You didn't really think we were, did you? Hell, YOU weren't in it for the plots the first time around as I recall.
Diandra: No, I was in it because of what I remember you saying in another recap somewhere: because it was good spy Loki vs evil Dr. House. The fact that Tom is fucking gorgeous in it is just a nice bonus.
Chrissy: Oh, so you did notice that.
Diandra: I believe I have already said that I am ASEXUAL, not dead. I can admire a pretty guy without needing to see him naked.

Anyway. Jed also puts on lipstick suggestively and places some sort of tablet on her tongue suggestively and everything she's doing is suggestive, okay?

Emilio: No complaints here. [groan]

Her phone rings while she's fussing with fake eyelashes. It's her mother, who is surprised when she actually picks up. Jed hisses that the DEAL is she cannot call or text her here. Jed has to call HER. Then she asks how "Billy" is. Mom snorts that she doesn't really care. "They say he doesn't even ask about you anymore." Jed says she's sending more money at the end of the month, which is why she ASSUMES she's getting this call. Mom growls that she's nothing but a "dirty whore" and she hangs up and shakes another bottle of however many pills into her mouth. There's a knock on the door and a little boy sticks his head in. She identifies him as Danny and says "I thought you were your father." No, "dad" sent him to fetch her.

We get a belated chyron that we are in Spain now before she and the kid join Dr. Dick and his cronies.

Emilio: And "Cybill" reference for the win.
Chrissy: "Cybill" and "House" mutilated into one thing in the pop culture stew that is your brain. You do know that tone you were using to make the "Cybill" part clear doesn't come across in type, right?
Diandra: That's why I will be transcribing this whole conversation. Thank you.

Apparently they were waiting for her to go to dinner and she jokes that she has a new date for the night, nodding to Danny: "he's young and he's seriously hot."

Chrissy: Yeah, you think that joke is funny now.

They go to a restaurant with a balcony overlooking the river by boat. Corky gives Danny a small glass of champagne at one point, being sure to get Dick's permission first because they're not MONSTERS. They joke about how him liking it might indicate he will turn out like them.

Chrissy: Oh, we're just full of jokes loaded with dark meaning today, aren't we?

Jed excuses herself, taking Danny with her. Dick stops them to toss another loaded tease: "you drink my wine, you steal my woman. I'm proud of you, Danny."

Chrissy: Jesus.

Sometime much later, some idiot decides this is a good night to commit a robbery and the first body he grabs as a human shield is Danny. Roper (even Jed is calling him this, apparently, so whatever) orders his men to stand down. They put their guns on the ground and Roper offers to give the guy whatever money or jewelry he wants both from them and the restaurant till. The kid starts panicking and crying and Roper tries to keep him calm and focused while looking at the robber holding him hostage like 'you will be leaving here in a body bag. You know that, right?' The guy isn't happy with what they are able to offer up immediately and Corky offers to make a call and get another $100,000. The robber decides they're going to treat that as ransom money and starts backing away WITH Danny, ignoring Jed's offer to take his place.

They get the kid down to the dock when the leader hears a crash from somewhere and points his gun at a cabin, demanding to know who is there. It is Jonathan. And to create a small cliffhanger, we're going to do a flashback right now.

Six months earlier. Switzerland. Angela and Jonathan are riding that train through the Alps. She says her husband always wanted to come here for vacation. Jonathan notes that that isn't her idea of a good time. She says all the "snow and silence" makes her want to "scream". He asks how long they've been together. Twenty years. He congratulates her and she says "it's marriage, Jonathan, it's not a state of bliss." And we're finally acknowledging her pregnancy because when he asks if they have any kids she points and says just this one. Twenty years in? Kind of a long time to wait, isn't it?

Chit chat over, she notes that his resume doesn't say anything about working in Cairo. He says no, he removed that. She notes that if Roper tried to look into his background, he wouldn't find anything, but would Freddie remember? Jonathan is pretty sure Freddie isn't the sort of person who would remember a nameless hotel employee. She asks if he handles cash at the hotel and whether anyone would notice if he made off with "some of it. Or all of it." He says no, but we're not elaborating on that quite yet.

Turns out they're headed to his place in the middle of nowhere. She pulls his copy of Lawrence of Arabia off the shelf, rambling about "the lonely genius who wished only to be a number". He gets nervous and tells her to put it back. She asks what the initials on the dedication page is about. He says it's his father and takes the book from her. She apologizes. "I didn't realize it meant that much to you." "Yes, you did," he says. She segues this into talking about his father, who worked undercover in Belfast. "I read they had to put his uniform back on before they buried him." He doesn't take this apparent baiting and just asks what she wants. She says she wants him to work for her and in exchange she will "look after" him.

Chrissy: Funny how much spy work and prostitution have in common, isn't it?
Diandra: And there it is.
Chrissy: You did understand that when I said "undercover" it was totally a honeypot op, right?
Diandra: And you understand that if you bring that up you invite me to do the Sadistic Baron thing again?
Chrissy: ...............I think I'd be willing to go along with that headcanon in this case.
Emilio: Too bad you finished that Sherlock story or this could give you ideas.
Diandra: How? You know what? Never mind. Don't answer that.

Actually, she does specify that by "look after" she means she will help him establish a whole new identity somewhere safe. He asks what the job is. "Bring down Richard Roper." Apparently she's been working on that for ten years, but can't get close enough and she's hoping he can. "I will give you a legend as thick as your arm. You will be in so deep you'll worry that you'll never get out of it."

Chrissy: [clears throat] Yeah, as I was saying...

But for Sophie, his father and his country, she is sure he will do it. "Or you can go back to the hotel of non-existence. It's up to you."

She leaves him to think about it, but she's pretty confident he will say yes, so the next thing we see is her talking to another spy guy about mocking up a criminal history for him. She also lists a bunch of people he can convince to help with the operation. "And not a word to the River House, Rex." He expresses the hope that he won't regret "the soft spot that I have for you."

Meanwhile, Jonathan goes back to the hotel and takes all the money out of the office safe. He meets Angela and her "deputy" Rob in a hotel in London and confirms that he will, in fact, do the job. She gives him a cup of tea and a biscuit and keeps basically asking if he's sure about this because there's no turning back now. He is. She's like 'right then, I need you to channel your inner psychopath and convince Roper you are the world's SECOND worst man.' She keeps ranting about how he's going to be a terrifying force of nature or something while he blinks up at her, chewing on a cookie, like 'are you sure you have the right person, lady?'

Chrissy: You make it sound like he isn't best known for playing a villain.
Emilio: Loki was never a very good villain.
Diandra: [points] What he said. Yeah, we've spent a lot of time discussing the morally grey template that was Loki, so I'm not gonna do that again, but I'm pretty sure he has never been particularly scary.

She has him sign a piece of paper to prove he agreed to do this of his own free will.

And then we get a quick pan over a crime scene while a woman describes it to an investigator. Just a few quick shots of blood splattered all over kitchen cupboards and then she asks "did he kill him?"

And then we're in Devon, where Jonathan arrives by motorcycle and pays the same woman to rent the cottage, so we're probably jumping around in time. He tells her his name is Jack Linden.

There's a couple teenagers fucking in the bedroom of the cottage when he arrives, because it seems abandoned and they've clearly never heard of any horror movie explicitly warning against this sort of thing. He kicks them out. Then he follows the guy to an abandoned warehouse where there is some sort of drug deal. The first guy leaves and he confronts the other guy, who assumes he's a cop. Jonathan punches him, nearly chokes him out, shoves drugs in his face and generally bullies the guy into accepting him as his new dealer.

Sometime later, Jonathan does some more research on Roper, watching a video of another part of that speech from episode one wherein Roper discusses how the Safe Haven project isn't selfless because he benefits from communities being "sympathetic to my interests". Because "only by freeing capital do you free the world." This is intercut with Jonathan running around some winding paths and taking a shower under a waterfall for...reasons.

Chrissy: Yeah, it's gratuitous, but nobody is complaining.

Jonathan goes to a bar, where both the original drug dealer and the landlady are and orders a pint of beer where they can both see him. He sits and drinks the whole thing in one slug.

Sometime later, the landlady brings him some mineral water he supposedly wanted, but now says he didn't ask for. She basically invites herself in for coffee and says she tried to Google him and found nothing, so...she's curious just what he's doing here. They make small talk wherein she ends up giving him more information than she gets. Her life was derailed by the asshole who fathered her child and basically ditched her while she was still in the hospital post-partum. And she gives him the guy's full name and probable current location like this was all just an excuse to sick the first thug she ran across on him.

So of course he sleeps with her. And gets a picture of the guy off her phone while she's sleeping.

Emilio: Really making a case that he should have been James Bond, aren't they?
Diandra: Yeah, at this point I'm not even sure why we're continuing that series. They used up the (horrifically dated and offensive) source material long ago and the last movie put him on an island and BLEW IT UP. Just...let him stay dead.
Emilio: Yeah, but as long as the movies are guaranteed to make a profit, they'll keep making them.
Diandra: And remaking them. And rebooting them. And remaking the rebooted ones. And making sequels of everything long past the point of reason. Yeah. Anyway, I think we discussed at one point that all the favorites for the next Bond were getting too old for the part, so it doesn't matter that he would have been a great fit about ten years ago.
Chrissy: [jolting suddenly] What? Did somebody ask me something?
Diandra: [realizing the screen is still paused on an image of Tom in underwear] You haven't heard a word we've said for the past five minutes, have you?
Chrissy: Uh...no. Clearly. Was it important?
Emilio: No, we were just talking about how this looks like a James Bond audition.
Chrissy: Yeah, except those writers would have made Angela's speech about how he was really going to PUT HIMSELF INTO the job a lot more suggestive.

Back in London, Angela goes to a meeting at the "Foreign & Commonwealth" office that includes about a dozen other guys including Rex, one of the versions of Prince Charles (aka the husband/bad guy from "Outlander"), Detective Anderson and an American who is, of course, black. [ETA: he's also actually British, but often plays Americans which might say something about British television]. Rex introduces the latter as Joel and Joel launches into a speech about global arms dealing and how his office deals with it. He talks about the two philosophies when it comes to confronting arms dealers: exploitation and enforcing. He favors the latter because the former is usually a never ending chain of catching one bad guy and then working with him to catch an even bigger bad guy until you can't remember who the good guys are anymore. BlackJack Charlie meets up with him after the talk to offer whatever resources he might need in the middle east. Joel says sure and then walks away with Angela, greeting her like they are old friends.

Joel and Angela go to a bar to talk. She asks why he was in Madrid a couple weeks ago. He says they're going after a guy named Richard Roper in an operation called Limpet. He was meeting a lawyer in Spain and they think it signals there's a deal going down. Unfortunately, they're having trouble getting close to him. Angela slides him an envelope containing Corkey's phone records, which Jonathan got them in Switzerland and offers her new asset for the cause. Joel asks if River House knows about any of this. She shakes her head and admits that she's on her own with this operation and she could use a friend. And his money.

Jonathan goes back to the drug buyer to announce that the shipment is coming in and he better have the money. The guy acts twitchy and afraid, avoiding eye contact. Then he goes back to the cottage to find a guy in the kitchen with a package. He pulls out a passport with his picture next to the name Thomas Zachary Quince. "I shall expect a lavish funeral" the guy jokes before asking if he's ready for whatever op this identity is needed for then. They then put on a little performance back at the bar where the guy apparently pretends to be his supplier and Jonathan beats him up a little and chases him out of the bar.

And now we have the context for the landlady dropping by for a hookup or whatever and finding evidence of a fight with blood stains in the kitchen. She calls the police and we replay that conversation that ends with her asking if "he" killed him. The cop clarifies that she means the guy who was attacked in the pub and yes. Then she asks if he ever mentioned anything about a former life or Switzerland or the name Jonathan Pine. The landlady is like 'um...what?'

Chrissy: Are you sure you weren't originally planning that story of yours to be a crossover or something?
Diandra: At the risk of you making fun of me for having shitty memory, I will remind you that I have shitty memory and didn't really know just how much of Henry was based on Jonathan beyond "he was an MI6 spy".

And now we're assuming this is enough explanation to catch up to where we began the episode and just show a brief shot of Jonathan arriving in Spain before he's back in that closet with guns pointed at him. He disappears and suddenly reappears behind the guy holding the kid, knocking him out. He's dressed like kitchen staff. He tells Danny to go back to his mom and breaks the guy's arm. The kid runs away and the other kidnapper yells at him that he wasn't supposed to HURT him, jesus. Jonathan says it has to look real. The guy is like 'okay, well, if that's how you want to play it' and starts throwing him around the kitchen and beating him with a pot.

So Roper et al arrive to find a shaken Danny and a barely conscious guy with a bloody face. The kid says the guy saved him and the restaurant owner identifies him as their "seasonal sous-chef". Roper recognizes him and snorts when someone tells him his name is Thomas Quince and asks what the fuck that guy with the tree name from Switzerland is doing here. One of the women makes noise about calling the police and Jonathan gurgles at them not to. Roper starts giving orders to bring him to THEIR hospital where an Israeli doctor can patch him. He pays off the restaurant owner to pretend nothing happened at all.

Somewhere else in Spain, Angela meets Joel and asks if they've heard anything. Joel mutters that he's gone "way off script" and broke an agent's arm in three places so it would look "real". And now the agents think they might have killed him when they hit back a little too enthusiastically, but since Roper never called the police they have no idea what happened. It looked like he just disappeared.

Inside the house they are apparently using as a base, she is reunited with a guy named Hector, who is listening to Corkey make a phone call to somebody to look into a Jonathan Pine using the alias Thomas Quince. Angela notes that this at least means Jonathan must be alive.

Chrissy: You're a glass half full sort of person, aren't you?

She is already working this to their advantage, calling Rob back at home to put out a warrant for the arrest of Thomas Quince, Jonathan Pine AND Jack Linden under any and all charges he can come up with including identity theft, drugs and murder. Joel catches on to her wavelength and notes that he has "crossed the bridge". Angela chirps yes, and they are going to burn it now.

We montage Jonathan, his face a mess of bruises and bandages, unconscious in the hospital and regaining consciousness briefly in an ambulance bringing him to Roper's villa.

He wakes up again to Jed calling him Thomas and expositing that he has several broken ribs, but at least his face should go back to its former prettiness. Or words to that effect. Sorry. She asks if he wants them to call anybody. Any loved ones? Maybe that Sophie he mentioned in his sleep earlier?

Chrissy: Yes, because talking in your sleep is a great trait for a spy to have.
Diandra: I suppose he was never meant to do a mission like this, but yeah.

She adds that Roper is away on business, but he'll be eager to officially meet him when he gets back. Jonathan slurs "where am I" and then suddenly Jed is gone and Danny is sitting next to him instead, talking about how dad says he should thank him for saving his life and promising not to run away like that again.

We fast forward to Jonathan being conscious, the bandages all taken off his face. Corky comes in the room and kicks the guard out. He makes jokes about that "deep purple" color being a whole lot better than "the blue baboon look of last week". Jonathan asks if he can leave soon. Corky says sure, as soon as the "chief" gets back. Then he rambles about not knowing whether he should put "Thomas Quince" or "Jonathan Pine" on the forms at the hospital, so he just put him down as "Mordechai Phillips".

Chrissy: James Armitage?
Diandra: While I'm flattered by your proof you actually read my story, can you please stop referencing it?
Emilio: I mean...it is kinda fair for her to question how much of your story you took from this.

He lights up a cigarette, notes that Jonathan smokes too...or used to anyway...and says "nothing like a fag when you're cooking" and takes a long, deliberate drag after offering him one.

Chrissy: Nope. Not touching that one.
Diandra: Oh, we found your limit, did we?

Doubling down on the weird double entendres, he praises the food they had back at that restaurant and asks if "those saucy muscles" were his.

Chrissy: [strained whining noise of distress]

He asks if Jonathan cooked at the hotel in Switzerland too. Y'know, before he ran off with all their money. Which they know about because they called for a reference. But Corky thinks he might be pulling one over on them and if that proves to be true he threatens to hang him by his "lovely ankles" and torture the truth out of him. He calls the guard back in before leaving and the guard makes some threats about waterboarding Jonathan.

Meanwhile in Madrid, Joel gets some pictures of one of Roper's men (I guess I should figure out his name. It's Sandy) meeting with that lawyer.

In London, at the River House, now also identified as MI6, Joel and Angela bring Project Limpet to BlackJack Charlie's team.

Chrissy: You're really going to keep calling him that?
Diandra: I see no reason not to.

He says he thinks maybe there are some "opportunities" for "mutual collaboration and intelligence sharing" since they already have Angela on their team. BlackJack et al aren't impressed with the pictures since they can only speculate what that meeting was about. They ask if they have anyone "close" to Roper. Joel says no and doing so would involve playing a really long game. Charlie sneers that Angela is obsessed with Roper and she's welcome to continue conducting whatever operation she wants to with her own resources, but they won't be contributing government money to the cause unless they can get more solid evidence.

This apparently was also an act because as they leave, Angela laughs that she never knew an American "could sound so much like a total bloody loser."

Chrissy: Notice she says "sound like", not "be".

He asks how she stands them talking shit about her like that. She shrugs it off and reminds Joel that they MUST NOT know about Jonathan. Absolutely no mention of him in any communications, verbal or written. Because River House can't have anything to do with the operation.

Jonathan watches Roper arrive by helicopter from the balcony door or something, then pretends to be sleeping when Roper comes to check on him. Roper apparently buys it, tucking him in and smarming "you sleep now. Tomorrow we'll find out who you REALLY are."

Chrissy: Sorry, my hands are clammy. You'll get used to it.
Diandra: Seriously?! You're invoking THAT scene right now?
Emilio: Eh, it kind of works actually.

Jonathan's eyes snap open after he leaves and we go to credits.

Chrissy: You know, it might not be just the one fic that this is making me think of. Didn't you write an "Alias" story that turned SD-6 into a crime ring that included drugs and prostitution?
Diandra: Your strategy to force me into accepting you returning to discussion about "Of Dubious and Questionable Memory" is painfully obvious.
Chrissy: So it's working?
Diandra: [groan] Fine.

Episode 3

We begin at the birthday party of some woman named Elena, which Roper and Jed are attending. A guy who identifies himself as her father gives her an expensive necklace from Paris and mutters to her in Spanish about maybe trying to SMILE a little.

Sometime later, Sandy is talking to the dad about their business deal tomorrow and the concerns of his Arab friend that they can't actually deliver the goods. Then Dad is dancing with Jed when the maid runs up crying hysterically. Jed follows them as she shows him where Elena decided to hang herself with a makeshift noose thrown over a doorway. Roper trails behind and helps them get her down, but apparently it's too late for anybody to do anything.

As they are leaving, Jed notes that Elena must have been in a lot of pain. Roper mutters that she's caused a lot of other people pain now too.

Emilio: Let this be a lesson: your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it.
Diandra: Even though that reference requires the knowledge that "House" is basically a very loose adaptation of Sherlock Holmes canon...[applauds]
Chrissy: That's right, he is a variant of Sherlock, isn't he? Okay, now I'm wondering just how MUCH of an influence this show had on your story, conscious AND subconscious.

Roper adds that they're going to have to reschedule that meeting now and Jed is visibly annoyed that THAT is what he meant. Sandy sidles up to ask what they should do now, invite the arab guy to the villa? Roper thinks that's too risky. Corky suggests they invite him to "the children's party" where there will be a lot of people. Roper tells them to get on the scheduling of that and goes back to Jed to apologize for being "crass".

Back in Mallorca, Jonathan is sitting on the bed when a guard collects him. He calls him "Dream Boy", which I guess helps explain the following at least somewhat.

Chrissy: I assume you prepared yourself as instructed.
Diandra: Just a warning, this one is a bit of a sadist, so you'll want to remember the safeword, but do NOT use it unless absolutely necessary. The Baron is one of our best customers.
Chrissy: .......[heavy sigh] I guess I asked for that, didn't I?
Emilio: You did just say you were fine with it in the last episode.

The guard escorts Jonathan to a different part of the compound, shoving him every so often, until they end up in a room where Roper is discussing whatever meeting details with Sandy while the bored kid plays a video game. Roper gets his attention because apparently this was about Danny thanking Jonathan for saving him from the kidnappers. He does so formally, shaking Jonathan's hand. Roper says great, now he can make himself scarce. The kid runs off, taking the dogs that were lounging on the couch with him.

Jonathan kind of stands there awkwardly as Roper dismisses everyone else BUT him from the room, one by one. Roper takes a drink of champagne, then pours more into a different, empty glass and holds it out to Jonathan.

Chrissy: As you can see, I didn't slip anything into it. Or did I? I mean, you saw me shove a whole handful of pills into a bottle in Switzerland, but that was so long ago I'm sure you've forgotten ALL about it.

He asks how his face is doing and Jonathan sort of prods at his faintly bruised eye like he forgot about it. Roper asks what he wants. Jonathan says he'd like to go back to the restaurant, actually. Roper says he meant "what do you want from the world?" Jonathan frowns and says he hasn't got any sort of plans and he was taking some "time out". Roper isn't buying whatever this is and sits down, inviting Jonathan to do the same. He rambles about how everyone assumes he was born rich, but he wasn't and this "drive to create all of this" was his own doing. Bootstraps or whatever. He asks what drives Jonathan, sitting back and putting his feet up on the table in what several species on the planet would identify as a display of male dominance, AKA the Look at My Dick pose. Jonathan stares him in the eye and says he's not sure what is going on here, but as grateful as he is for the medical care, he'd really like to leave now.

"Corky can't make you out," Roper says, completely disregarding the ask.

Chrissy: Either that or he said he'd like to make out with you. Honestly, the way he talks, nobody is ever really sure what he's saying exactly.

"He's got bad vibes about you."

Chrissy: Again, he might have meant that as some sort of double entendre having to do with his dick. No clue.

Jonathan just stares, so Roper asks why he killed that guy in Devon.

Emilio: Just to watch him die?

Roper is like 'we called the police about that, by the way. They should be here any minute.' Jonathan just stares harder. Roper chuckles at this calling of his bluff. Because of course a major arms dealer who has probably killed dozens isn't gonna call the po po. Duh. Jonathan says the guy ripped him off. And that's just how he handles guys who "cheat" him.

They stare at each other some more, testing poker faces, until Corky enters to tell Roper that they have 12 confirmed for dinner...he sighs when he sees Jonathan and corrects that to 13. Roper is like 'we were just talking about why you don't trust him. Why don't you tell him yourself?' Corky says Jonathan's references are sus and the restaurant owner was so hard up for a chef that he didn't bother checking them. Roper asks if he faked them.

Chrissy: What else have you faked? Huh? WHAT ELSE?

Jonathan says he needed the job so fast he didn't have time for "formalities". Roper asks where he got the passport. Jonathan says from a girl in Devon. Roper pulls a picture of the landlady who jumped him out of a folder Corky has apparently been compiling and says she's pretty, but who is "Quince" then? Jonathan seems to think about it for a second before saying he's her ex who had never left the country and therefore didn't have a passport so was a convenient name to put on one. Roper notes that he's used several names, which "makes one wonder who you really are."

Chrissy: His NAME doesn't matter, Sherlock.
Diandra: ......if you're trying to quote my fic right now, the line is that names aren't IMPORTANT because they "don't define who we are."
Chrissy: Oh, so you remember things as long as it's something you wro- you have it open on your laptop right now, don't you?
Diandra: [closes tab] I don't know what you're talking about.

Roper starts reading from the file to dump a bunch of character backstory. Jonathan's father was killed in Belfast, he doesn't have a very close relationship with his mother and he was married once for six months, possibly before or somewhere between doing two tours in Iraq. Which may or may not have messed him up a bit and he spent the past five years working night shift at hotels, which Roper defines as "hibernation? Buring yourself alive?" And then he apparently snaped, stole money, did some drug dealing and killed a guy. "Do you even know who you are?" He starts grilling Jonathan on the kidnappers at the restaurant and whether he knew them or recognized them. Did he ever cook for them before? Corky decides this is a good time to interject about the muscles being amazing again.

Chrissy: Look even better in that t-shirt than they did in the chef smock. I mean, uh...the food. The muscles we ATE that night. Yes.

Roper says he wasn't the lookout who switched allegiances at some point? Because that was one of Corky's theories.

Emilio: He just looks like he has very flexible...morals.
Chrissy: Ha!

Jonathan snaps that he hasn't asked them for anything yet and he doesn't APPRECIATE them snooping in his life like this.

He gets up and slowly starts to leave. Roper asks what he's planning to do for a passport because they are in SPAIN right now. Jonathan asks where the Thomas Quince passport he used to get here is. Corky says they had to shred it. Y'know, since Thomas Quince is wanted for murder. And theft. "Sadly, not buggery, but we'll work on that." Roper says he's going to have to find a new identity. Jed pads into the room in a bikini with a gauzy coverup and Roper yells at whoever is interrupting before turning his head, then apologizes when he sees it's her. He tells her that Thomas is going to be staying with them a while longer. She smiles prettily at him and asks if he wants to "come for a swim".

Emilio: Is that code? Because I'd very much like to see you all wet, yes.

Roper says Corky can lend him a speedo and Corky leers at Jonathan and says he'd like that very much, actually.

Chrissy: I'd like to do a taste comparison on muscles.
Diandra: While I'm not surprised that you have apparently decided to play Corky...what, is he a piece of meat?
Chrissy: [obviously barely listening] yeah, I'd like to try that too.
Diandra: Okay, am I going to have to hose you down?
Chrissy: [eyes still glazed over] mmmmm....yes...
Diandra: CHRIS!
Chrissy: What?
Diandra: [splutters, makes a couple attempts at speech, gives up] Never mind.

Roper tells Corky to put Jonathan in the "fisherman's cottage at the end of the estate" until they figure out what they're going to do with him. Corky is eyeing Jonathan like he has several thoughts on that, actually. Jonathan asks what he's supposed to do while they're figuring that out. Roper suggests he keep Danny company because his school friend never showed up since "mother doesn't approve of me" so he's probably bored. Jed sneaks out of the room back to the beach and Roper slings an arm around Jonathan. "I run a tight ship here. You're right, we do a little swashbuckling every now and then, but we play straight with each other."

Chrissy: Make sure you swab the decks before raising the mast.
Diandra: Oof. Remember back when we were doing "Pirates of the Caribbean" and you would have slapped me for making a joke like that? I miss those days.
Chrissy: You want me to slap you a bit?
Diandra: That's not what I meant.
Emilio: You want me to slap her for ya?
Diandra: No, I think this outta do it. [pulls spray bottle retrieved between episodes from behind the couch]
Chrissy: I love how you think the same method you use to get a cat to stop jumping on the counter will- [splutters mouthful of water]
Diandra: What was that?
Chrissy: [glares]
Diandra: That's what I thought.

Anyway. Roper says he's grateful to Jonathan for saving his kid, but "if you step out of line, I will make you howl for your mother."

Chrissy: Ooo! Can I make him scream for daddy or is that a totally different thing?
Diandra: Shut up, Corky.

Then he asks Jonathan's shoe size and just...walks away after he answers.

Chrissy: Oh, that had nothing to do with shoes. Just another thing Corky kept asking about.

Corky meets Jonathan outside to go over some of the rules of the place as far as he's concerned. No phones. No postcards. No messages of any kind. He tosses the keys to that beach house at him and gives him directions to get to it. "Alternatively, fill your pockets with stones, walk into the sea and keep going."

Somewhere a few miles away, Hector (I think) is looking through binoculars at the compound. He tells Angela that nothing is happening yet and she groans that she hates this part.

Evening, Jonathan runs shirtless along the beach. Chrissy grabs the spray bottle and sprays her own face, but I am NOT going to ask about it.

Chrissy: [quiet groan]

A pair of shoes are sitting by the cottage door when he gets back, with a note from Roper that reads "hoping you can fill them."

Emilio: He tried to get Corky to write the note for him, but he kept making it weird.

He wears them to play tennis with Roper sometime later. Then he's swimming in a pool while Jed lounges on the side. Corky brings him a towel when he gets out of the water and mutters "off every tree you may freely eat" he lists a bunch of jobs people have around the compound, ending with "the lady that comes to clip the canary's claws". But if he even THINKS of going anywhere near Jed "we'll chop it off."

Chrissy: And I honestly don't care because I can made a mold of it to keep and did I mention my job on that list? Because I am definitely one of the fruits on those trees.
Diandra: Not that I want to encourage you, but speaking of trees...the fact that Jonathan's last name is "Pine" seems to have inspired a lot of ship names in what little fanfic there is for this show. This pairing, for example, I have seen labeled Coconut Tree.
Chrissy: Ahem. Yeah. I'm sure he would love to demonstrate his tree climbing skills.

Some morning. Jonathan finds Roper having breakfast on the balcony and asks if he can take Danny into town just for something to do. Roper agrees because he notes the kid likes him, but says a couple bodyguards will go with them.

Hector is notified by one of their spies the minute the car leaves the compound and Jonathan spots him and Angela waiting in a car by the curb as they're walking down a street. He casually asks the kid if he always requires this much escort. Danny says only since that incident at the restaurant. Jonathan makes the guards nervous by moving very suddenly to haul the kid onto his shoulders. Angela creeps behind the guards and Jonathan loudly offers to get Danny ice cream, pointing to a stand. He puts Danny back down and tells him to go offer the guards ice cream and there's a lot of positioning until Angela is standing behind them at the stand looking at a guidebook.

Jonathan (not so) casually asks Danny who is coming to the party Sunday. Danny says there's about 25 people. Angela sidles up and tells the stand owner that she needs a "complete list"...of...the ice cream flavors...all "the names" of the ice cream.

Chrissy: And this is why the guards need to be nowhere near because the way they keep looking at each other pointedly makes it obvious what's going on.
Diandra: Yeah, that's always a failing of spy stories told in a visual medium. You have to be obvious for the viewer to understand. Although this is a bit less clunky than most.

Jonathan asks Danny if Sandy and Caroline will be there. Danny shrugs and says he doesn't know who all will be there.

Jonathan non sequitrs that Major Corkran doesn't like him very much.

Chrissy: Oh, he likes you just fine. Trust me.

Danny innocently asks why not. Jonathan says he doesn't know, but "he's trying to find out everything he can about me. All the way back to the time of the Ancient Egyptians."

Chrissy: Yeah, that's not a weird thing to say AT ALL.
Diandra: Luckily the kid will probably think that's just some weird adult expression.
Emilio: Knowing who his dad is, it's probably no weirder than the stuff he usually hears.
Diandra: Yeah. If he actually understood what was being said around him all the time, he would probably be the primary source of information.

They get the ice cream and walk away while Angela debates how to handle that.

She goes back to the base of operations and announces that they have work to do.

Meanwhile, Jonathan is chatting with Danny while they skip rocks in the water. Danny calls his dad "Roper" too and mutters that he doesn't see much of him because he's always working. But that's why they live in a huge house with 23 rooms including three kitchens and A SECRET STUDY IN ROPER'S BEDROOM THAT NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN. Jonathan tries to play cool and says he's the exception, right? Danny says no, Roper calls it "The Citadel" and hides the one key to get into it. Oh, and it has an alarm that they test every day at 11. "You have to be really careful." Jonathan, probably thinking those two thoughts are related, asks why all innocent like. The kid points at the water and says he cut his foot somewhere over there last year and had to keep standing there for a half hour "because of the salt". And this is why you don't rely on a kid to feed you spy information. Well, that and the ethical considerations.

Joel and Angela sit outside a church in Madrid, where the dad from the beginning of the episode is going in. Joel exposits that he has come here every day since his daughter died and he called the Madrid prosecutor's office yesterday to say he has "information regarding a world-class illegal arms deal" but hung up when they asked for his name. Like nobody was going to trace that. Joel's assumption is that "a priest's advice only goes so far."

Angela goes inside the church to speak to "Mr. Apostol", saying she is his "guardian angel".

Diandra: Funny, I always figured you would either have an Irish accent or be a big black lady.
Chrissy: You just keep finding ways to prove your age.
Emilio: The fact that you knew exactly what she was talking about proves you are the same age. Also, there was a guy too. Everyone always forgets about him.
Diandra: Yeah, white guys are generally easy to forget about.

So, soon after that "Juan" is telling her about how he tortures himself every night asking what he could have done. And she should understand since she's about to have her own child. Angela agrees that she does and she would like to help him "wash the blood" from his hands. Because if he didn't have this relationship with his "friend" Roper, his daughter might still be alive. Juan cries and she apologizes and presses on that she's on "the side of the angels" and she needs his help. "Do you know Lance Corkoran?" "Yes," Juan sniffles. "He's Dicky Roper's right hand man."

Chrissy: Nah, too easy. Pass.

Angela says they need to change that.

And now Roper is in that same spot on the beach with Jonathan for some reason and starts a conversation by asking "are you pink?"

Chrissy: [fit of coughing]

He means this politically because he starts listing any left wing parties and ideologies. Jonathan just stares again, so he adds that he doesn't care, it's just another thing Corky is obsessing over. He rambles about how he and Corky have been through a lot together, especially that one week they shared a cell in Delhi. "Don't think I've ever laughed so much in my whole life."

Chrissy: That small is it?
Diandra: Don't.
Emilio: But not pink, apparently. [Raises hands defensively as Diandra grabs for spray bottle] Sorry. Sorry. I'll stop.

Jonathan asks if Corky was drinking at the time. Roper cocks his head and notes that was a really weird thing to ask. Jonathan says it's just that one of the sergeants his dad served with in Belfast got drunk and told the girl he was banging (implied) what they were doing and the operation was fucked up and his dad died. Roper concludes that he doesn't drink then. They have a little back and forth about freedom from any sort of control. "Children grow up thinking the adult world is ordered, rational, fit for purpose," Roper philosophizes. "Becoming a man is realizing that it's all rotten. Realizing how to celebrate that rottenness...that's freedom."

Emilio: If that's what helps you sleep at night.
Diandra: That's the thing about a good villain though, isn't it? They're not evil just for the sake of it - they rationalize how their perspective of the world order makes sense. All the best villains identified by fans of the MCU have perfectly justified reasons for their bad conclusions and resulting behavior. The not so great ones are just crazy or evil psychos.
Chrissy: Didn't you argue that Loki was a bad villain?
Diandra: Yeah, because he's a chaos agent. He didn't seem to have a rational perspective he was basing anything on. I think they actually did argue that he was just crazy in that first Avengers. He proved redeemable once he could find a purpose. Conversely, it is really easy for justifications to turn good guys into bad because they drew the wrong conclusions and went down the easy path, which is where we're at with Doctor Strange right now and why am I rambling about Marvel characters right now? Weren't we taking a break from that shit here?
Chrissy: You started it.
Emilio: Yeah, you kinda did.
Diandra: Ugh.

They're back at the villa to greet the arrival of guests and Jonathan kind of lurks behind them so he can hear all the names as Roper greets them. Sandy and his wife Caroline. Juan "Apo", who Roper hugs and expresses condolences for again. Mr. Barghatti, the Arab guy, who Roper pointedly notes he has business with. And that's all he gets before they go inside, but those are the most important ones anyway.

Jonathan goes to the room we saw Jed changing in last episode and listens outside the door as she finishes a call with what is obviously her mother again. He opens the door after she hangs up and she is sitting on the bed naked, crying. He quickly pulls it shut and knocks before opening again to tell her the guests are arriving and the party is starting soon and backing out like 'please note how I didn't even LOOK at your breasts.'

Emilio: Well, they're mostly covered and she has her back to the door. Unfortunately.

Roper is telling the kids about how the Ancient Egyptians invented the "game" he's about to teach them, which is actually the magic trick where a ball seems to move around between overturned cups and appear and disappear because there's actually two balls and some sleight of hand.

Chrissy: Just casually acknowledging that is a magic trick after you conned me into losing a bet over your version of three card monty there.
Diandra: Taught you not to underestimate me, didn't it?

When Danny misidentifies the cup the ball is under, Roper teases that he isn't paying attention and pointedly notes that Jonathan, hovering nearby, is, isn't he?

Elsewhere, Juan and Sandy are watching Corky probably flirt with a couple guys by the pool. Juan mutters that Corky has a real problem with being unable to stop his mouth and he means that in MANY ways. Sandy admits that he's a bit..."over-excited" when he drinks. Which reinforces the conversation earlier. Juan says that's exactly what Barghatti has concerns about. A "friend" reports he has a habit of shooting his mouth off and Barghatti wants to make sure he isn't involved in this deal. Sandy thanks him for that little insight and runs to pull Roper aside and tell him.

Diandra: You know...thanks for suggesting I recap this, Chris, because doing it like this and forcing myself to not ignore all the details actually makes it make a whole lot more sense than it did the first time.
Chrissy: Yeah, that would be WHY people tend to underestimate you, D. For a Sherlock Holmes, I was surprised to learn that you remember absolutely none of the names of characters in murder mysteries or really ANY show, especially procedural dramas which are basically weekly murder mysteries.
Diandra: I don't have to know anybody's name to accurately predict who the killer is.
Emilio: Yeah, that tracks, actually. Explains why she used to use weird nicknames whenever she couldn't remember actual names too.
Chrissy: You know...I'm starting to understand how people go into psychology in an effort to understand their own weird brain quirks.

Jonathan hovers near the drink table. Jed sidles up to him and calls him Thomas, then calls to Roper that they're going to go for a walk. He follows her somewhat reluctantly while Roper pulls aside the guards to order them to get rid of the guys Corky is talking to. And don't worry about doing it quietly. It so happens the guys are peeing over the side of a balcony when they do it, so there's really no reason anyone would question this.

Jonathan asks Jed who all these people are anyway. She doesn't know. And she doesn't care because "it's business." He asks what business that is. She says buying and selling "agricultural equipment". Caroline claims her husband tells her everything, but she isn't interested in Roper doing the same.

Chrissy: He works at a bank. No, wait...he sells airplane parts. Whatever. I am perfectly content with this obvious lie and don't want to ask questions about weird bruises or sudden emergency trips to god knows where or that he never seems to actually work at the office he claims he works at.
Diandra: And we managed to work an "Alias" reference in. Nice.

Jed stops walking and says Jonathan shouldn't have seen her like that earlier.

Emilio: Naked? Yes, Corky made that much clear.

He apologizes that he thought she was dressed and the door was open, so... She says she didn't mean that part. Obviously. She already paraded naked in front of him back in that hotel in Switzerland. "I don't care who sees me naked. I care who sees me crying. You tell no one you saw that. Is that clear?" He agrees. To reinforce the point, she announces that she's going swimming and starts stripping her dress off, inviting him to join her. He nervously notes that that would be a BAD idea and struggles to look literally anywhere else. She says one day he'll learn to "live a little" and dives naked into the water.

Chrissy: Here, bite this apple.
Diandra: Basically.
Emilio: [startling out of stupor] What? Did you say something to me?
Diandra: Nope. Welcome back.
Chrissy: Yeah, we're totally here for the plot.

Night. Jonathan tries to sleep but can't stop thinking about Jed skinny dipping.

Home office, next day. Rex is called in to the Secretary's office. She is speaking to BlackJack Charlie and his "team from the River" and a representative from the American embassy. The American says they need to talk about the "Limpet" thing. Rex plays dumb, so Charlie calls it the "Joel Steadman Enforcement operation with Angela Burr on side-saddle." Rex sneers that he KNOWS about the enforcement case, but it has nothing to do with the CIA or MI6. The secretary says the Americans think they should discuss it and Barbara (embassy woman) says the CIA thinks they've been "railroaded" by this joint operation they didn't know about between "two fragile extremely fringe outfits". She thinks they underestimate what they're dealing with here and Charlie agrees that it's potentially dangerous. Rex reminds everybody that their recommendation was that enforcement agencies were welcome to go after any international criminal shit that slipped MI6s notice because they are "overextended". And MI6s response therefore is pretty hostile, isn't it? Everyone bristles and the secretary dismisses him.

Charlie follows Rex as he starts heading home, noting that he said all the right things to push everyone's buttons and good job. Rex says he doesn't care for bullies. Charlie says he's not convinced that Limpet has been the failure Angela wants them to think it is and he recommends that once the case becomes an official MI6 operation, Rex should pretend he has a rich uncle in Switzerland who died all sudden like. Rex says he's going to PRETEND he didn't just hear that. Charlie tells him to think about it and swaggers off.

Chrissy: Gee, I wonder why you had such a hard time seeing him play Prince Charles on "The Crown".
Diandra: Yeah, he's so good at being a smarmy bastard. It was an adjustment. Although I'm not sure I was supposed to like Charles either.
Emilio: Wasn't the first version of Charles played by The Doctor?
Diandra: Yeah, but he also played Skynet, so. [ETA: Yes, that was a spoiler. You can skip that mess of a movie now. You're welcome.]

Back at the compound, Jonathan finds Caroline sitting by the pool in the morning. He sits beside her and she says she likes him because he sees everything and says nothing. "My husband is screwing our nanny," she blurts. Jed thinks she should have hired an ugly girl for this reason. Yeah. That's the problem. She asks if he can put suntan lotion on her back and assures him that isn't a come on. While he's doing that, she asks why "he" is keeping him here. "Grooming you?" He innocently asks what he would need to be "groomed" for, exactly. She says he should be careful because Roper's planning a big arms deal with that "Lebanese" friend of Juan's. "Weapons from seven British and American companies. Weapons no one should be trading in." And he's using a company called "Tradepass" to fence it, which he pretends is an agricultural equipment company.

Chrissy: Sorry, why did you not talk to her, like, right away?

She says he can stop rubbing lotion on her now.

Chrissy: Need anyone to return the favor?
Diandra: Down girl.
Emilio: Pretty sure the area you want to rub doesn't need SUN lotion anyway.
Diandra: Why not? I would think that would be the LAST place a guy would want a sunburn.
Chrissy: ........I honestly can't tell if you're doing your usual innocent asexual act there or not.

She turns to face him and he asks why she's saying all this right now. She says she needs to talk to SOMEONE about what's really happening here. He asks if Jed knows about this. I mean...based on your conversation earlier, what do YOU think? Caroline snorts that of course she doesn't, it's just that Sandy is so committed to screwing everyone - literally and figuratively - that he tells her everything. And fucks the nanny. Roper is the opposite. She cocks her head and asks if she should tell her. He's not sure.

The two of them sitting and staring is paralleled by Joel sitting next to Angela on the balcony by the water. He says if she's worried about her "boy", she shouldn't be because he knew what he was getting into.

Emilio: [muttering] Yeah, and he knows what he'd LIKE to get into.

Angela isn't so sure about that. Joel changes the subject to her and her husband "making a go of it." Angela shrugs and quotes her mother saying "you make your bed, you die in it." Joel laughs and she soberly says her husband is a decent man and it isn't his fault she doesn't love him. And she does NOT want to have the conversation she knows Joel is thinking about starting right now. Joel says she can't "deny the past".

Chrissy: How...did they say they knew each other?
Diandra: They didn't, but they're obviously dropping big hints about it now.

Vila. Danny finds "Thomas" out on the main balcony and asks if he knows where his phone went. Jonathan doesn't. Danny bemoans the fact that this is one more thing daddy is gonna be mad about because EVERYONE seems to be in a bad mood and Jed isn't even talking to Roper now. Jonathan offers to come read him a bedtime story and help him look for the phone in the morning. Danny agrees and the security guard follows them to the elevator, then apparently decides he doesn't need to go any further.

Later, back in his cottage, Jonathan pulls Danny's phone from his pocket and sends his handlers a text with everything he's gotten so far.

Next morning, Caroline is bundling the kids in the car. Jed arrives to see her off and she hugs her and cries a little. The nanny runs to a different car crying and Caroline yells after her and calls her a whore. Sandy tries to calm her down and she yells at him that he's a shit. Then she asks the newly arrived "Dicky" if he's enjoying this show. She gives him a sarcastic bow, gets in the car and Sandy waves as it takes off. Jed stalks past Roper, waving him off as he tries to talk to her.

Jonathan finds Corky with some horses and asks where everyone else is. Corky says they have two days of meetings in Monaco. Jonathan innocently questions why he isn't with them. Corky says he's staying with "the girl" and they're about to go out riding right now. "Didn't she invite you?"

Chrissy: She said something about riding, but I didn't realize it involved actual horses.
Diandra: [fumbles to pick up the spray bottle too late] [gives up]

Jonathan sneaks into Jed's room, holding flowers but looking squirrely like he hopes he doesn't have to use this lame cover story. He searches her bedside table and finds a picture of a child. He takes a photo, then switches a tin of mints for one that has a key. He waits by the door to that secret office Danny told him about. When the alarms go off at 11, he goes inside. He finds papers in the desk of the pretty ordinary looking office and takes pictures of them. The last page has a Tradepass logo on it. He puts everything back where he found it and picks up a long blonde hair, frowning at it. He gets back out and locks the door before the alarm stops.

Jed returns from riding as he's putting the key back in the mint tin. She opens the door to find him fussing with the vase on a table. She blinks and asks what the hell he's doing in here. He bullshits that he was just bringing her some flowers. She asks why he didn't just give them to one of the maids. He just stares at her, so she starts dismissing him because she has to change her clothes. He tells her to close the door. She does but mutters that he CAN'T be in here because this is their bedroom. He holds up the hair he found in front of her face. He says it proves she broke into Roper's office to look at his papers and she really should be more careful. She just stares until Corky starts calling her from outside. She hisses that he can't see Jonathan and Jonathan hides while she opens the door and says she's coming, stepping out half dressed. Corky peaks inside at the disaster of clothes strewn everywhere, but doesn't actually go inside.

Monaco. Roper and Sandy meet with...Anderson. AKA one of BlackJack Charlie's MI6 guys. Which explains why we focused on him in that meeting with the secretary even if he didn't say anything.

Chrissy: And speaking of people who are good at being smarmy...
Diandra: That's just because he LOOKS like a weasel.

Roper grumpily asks why they are doing this in person. Apparently he's been sent to warn them about Project Limpet by a company called Halo. They think Roper needs to be really careful right now. Roper asks how far they've gotten. "They've drawn a line between Langbourne and Apostol. Sandy asks how they did that. Took a picture of a meeting. Roper asks if they're going after the buyers or the sellers. Anderson says they don't know, so they're just assuming both. Roper says he can tell Halo that they have "taken every precaution" and they are "changing the guard" based on intelligence of their own.

We get a quick shot of Corky stewing to drive home his meaning.

Chrissy: Yep, they're totally on top of it.

Jed calls Roper and asks how the meeting went. He says it was fine and Caroline was just upset and spreading shit to "get back at" Sandy. Jed says so it's just a story then? "Tell me why I should believe you." He snaps back "why SHOULDN'T you believe me? When have I ever lied to you?"

Chrissy: Says every fucking lying cheater ever.

Jed says he doesn't really LIE because he's too smart for that. He just hides the truth from her. He accuses her of hiding things from HIM too.

Chrissy: And again...
Diandra: Yeah, this whole thing is basically a textbook example of red flags when talking to someone who is cheating on you or conning you somehow.

She says she doesn't hide anything from him, he yells that they can start that discussion with the CHILD she has. Or does that not count? She goes quiet and asks how he knows about him. He says it doesn't matter, what matters is why she hid it from him. She snaps that he doesn't OWN her and he snaps that no one knows anything about him that he doesn't want them to. She rightly notes that that DOESN'T go both ways apparently. He says he didn't have to work for it since it was right on a bank statement. "I'm paying money to raise another man's kid."

Chrissy: Yeah, speaking of cheaters...fun fact: I actually know a woman who found out about an affair in exactly the same way. Which shouldn't have been surprising since she wasn't even the first woman he cheated on.
Diandra: Ugh. Men are trash.

He notes that anyone listening in on this phone call knows about her secret child that he's paying alimony to now. Then he sighs and says "apart from that, how was your day?" She hangs up.

Jonathan moves the picture of the kid we now have context for to a private folder and shares the pictures of the documents via something called ZitterZatter, which is probably a fictional version of some program, but it's whatever they're using to communicate privately.

Angela opens them and throws a pen at Joel to wake him up. Joel squints sleepily at the screen as Angela scrolls through pages, pausing at the part that lists expenses paid to Halo and Felix for "consultation fees".

Corky is waiting at the front gate. Jonathan approaches to exposit that "they" are back. Except they are preceded by the guard, who ominously says the "chief" wants to talk to him. Corky steps forward and the guard says not him and points at Jonathan.

Jonathan enters the not secret office and Roper points to a "present" he brought him sitting on the table.

Chrissy: Ooo, I have some ideas if you want to delve into an AU headcanon here...
Diandra: Why would you EVER assume I actually WANT you to feed me whatever x-rated tangents your brain is offering?
Emilio: Because sometimes you actually write them and post them on AO3?

Jonathan picks up a New Zealand passport and Roper adds that he "told them to put some visas in. Make it look scruffy." Jonathan opens to the page that identifies him as Andrew Stephen Birch, which he thinks is cute as it means he just picked another kind of tree for the last name. Roper says yeah, he thought they would just stick with that.

Chrissy: A skinnier tree with harder wood. Interesting choice.
Diandra: Let's not go too deep into th-[sees Emilio taking a breath]-AT'S WHAT SHE SAID, YES WE KNOW.

Jonathan flips through pages, looking at all the stamps. Roper says it's all official and if he wants to renew it, he can but he should do it at a different consulate to reduce risk. Sandy, sitting at the end of the desk, snaps the passport out of his hands and Jonathan asks what this is about. "I thought that was my...present." Roper says there's a catch: he needs to do something for them first. Sandy hands him some papers and Roper tells him to get a witness, preferably one who can read Spanish. Sandy goes to fetch somebody while Jonathan asks what exactly he's signing here. Roper says he's giving him a company. Jonathan babbles that he doesn't know anything about running a company. Roper says he doesn't need to know anything, he just needs to sign off on it.

Chrissy: Probably better if you know nothing, actually.

Roper hands him a pen to practice a couple signatures with the new name before he gets to the actual paperwork. Jonathan signs "Andrew Birch" on a piece of blank paper a few times while Roper coaches in a way that suggests Hugh is just goading Tom to try to get him to break character and it's kind of working.

As the witness comes in, Jonathan glances at the terms on the document, particularly the line that says he is to continue the work of former managing director Lance Corkoran. He smiles tightly at Roper, signs and hands the paper to the barely eighteen kid to sign as witness. "Welcome to the family, Andrew," Roper says ominously and reaches to shake Jonathan's hand.

Chrissy: See? I don't know why you kept resisting doing this recap. Isn't this fun?
Diandra: Not sure that's the word I would use, but it isn't as dull as I thought it might be. Plus, it's useful now that they're talking about maybe doing another season again because I definitely forgot a lot of it. [ETA: Tom confirmed that it will have a second AND THIRD season as I was in the process of writing this]
Emilio: I suppose I should tell you now that I haven't actually watched this before?
Diandra: Wait, you...what?
Emilio: A couple episodes, but mostly clips on YouTube. Enough to get all of the memes and thirsting from women like Chrissy. I figured it didn't matter because given how many years ago it was you would basically be approaching it like you were seeing it for the first time too.
Chrissy: Wow. You really have been friends with her for a long time, haven't you?
Emilio: Thirty years, yes.
Diandra: It has not been THAT long. Don't make us sound any older than we already are.
Emilio: Wasn't it the mid 90s we were in school together?
Diandra: More like the late 90s. So more like...twenty five...fuck, we're old.