Spoiler ratings guide here (opens in a new window)

"Everything Changes" (or: What the Hell Am I Getting Into?)
I decide to recap a 40 plus episode show staring people I’d never heard of until about a year ago and spun off of a show I never watched.
Spoiler rating: 2

"Day One" (or: Yes, This Show is Meant for Adults)
An alien possesses a young girl and proceeds to have sex with as many men as possible to feed off their orgasmic energy. Yes, it is that insane.
Spoiler rating: 2

"Ghost Machine" (or: Time Travel is Fun!)
Owen finally turns into a human being and Jack and Gwen flirt while handling firearms. In other words, it’s the best episode so far.
Spoiler rating: 3

"Cyberwoman" (or: Terminator with Metal Boobs)
Ianto’s girlfriend turns out to be a half-Terminator killer and Chrissy and I get blind drunk. Also, Jack finally kisses Ianto (YAY!). And Owen kisses Gwen (um…what?).
Spoiler rating: 2

"Small Worlds" (or: Yes, Virginia, Fairies Are Evil)
Jack’s former girlfriend (age: 80 or so) helps the team investigate some weird Gollum Fairy-related murders. Also: small children can be really creepy and somebody has some serious mommy issues.
Spoiler rating: 2

"Countrycide" (or: I Watch Too Many Proceedurals)
The team takes a break from weird alien crap to investigate a case that was obviously better suited to whatever police department investigates serial killers in Wales. Everyone almost dies, which apparently makes Gwen desperate enough to fall into Owen’s arms.
Spoiler rating: 3

"Greeks Bearing Gifts" (or: Yes, I Was a Psych Major…Why?)
My Id and Superego help me recap a plot involving mind reading and a sex-pot alien who seduces Tosh. It’s all very enlightening.
Spoiler rating: 2

"They Keep Killing Suzie Ilsa" (or: I Get a Major Headache)
Ilsa is brought back to life in the most belabored plot so far which goes a long way toward proving that a) she is the ultimate genius and b) the writers on this show are complete morons when it comes to technology.
Spoiler rating: 2

"Out of Time" (or: The 50s Really Sucked)

Owen gets a girlfriend and it’s actually not as gross as you would think. Also, living in the wrong era is HARD.
Spoiler rating: 3

"Combat" (or: Owen Loses His Shit)
Devastated over the loss of the potential love of his life, Owen volunteers for a mission that involves the possibility of suicide by Weevil. Oh, and spoiler alert if you didn’t see the last episode…
Spoiler rating: 2

"Captain Jack Harkness" (or: HO YAY!)
Jack and Tosh get sucked through the rift into 1941 because everyone on a UK show about time travel eventually ends up living through the Blitz. Also, Jack meets the man whose name he stole and it’s HOT.
Spoiler rating: 3

"End of Days" (or: Abaddon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here)
Everything starts falling through the rift, the world goes to hell in a handbasket and Jack has to die to fix it. Again.
Spoiler rating: 3

Doctor Who Crossover:

"Utopia" (or: The Silo at the End of the Universe)
Jack gets roped in to an “adventure” with The Doctor and the Ho Yay runs amok. And Derek Jacobi is awesome in case you didn’t already know that.
Spoiler rating: 4

"The Sound of Drums" (or: On Comparing Screwdrivers)
The Master comes up with an insane plot to rule and/or destroy the world and there’s a lot of debate about just how close he and the Doctor were back on Gallifrey. Lots of ho-yay abounds. 
Spoiler rating: 3

"The Last of the Time Lords" (or: One Year a Sex Slave…Probably)
After keeping Jack and the Doctor as pets for a year, the Master is finally defeated in the craziest way possible. Martha proves herself to be the most disappointing companion yet by pushing aside any awesomeness she might be capable of in favor of acting like a love-struck ninny.
Spoiler rating: 2