Torchwood

Spoiler ratings guide here (opens in a new window)


"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" (or: Hit Me, Baby, One More Time)
Jack returns to Torchwood to find everything has been going just fine in his absence and Gwen and Rhys are now engaged, officially granting him the freedom to date Ianto (or something). Also, Jack’s old lover/temporary spouse shows up and threatens to kill them all. 
Spoiler rating: 3

 

"Sleeper" (or: A Different Kind of Terminator)
A “sleeper cell” of aliens is woken up and threatens to destroy the human race. That’s about it.
Spoiler rating: 2

 

"To the Last Man" (or: Let’s Do the Time Warp Again!)

Tosh’s new Dead Boyfriend of the Week is a WWI soldier Torchwood has been keeping in cryofreeze so they can send him back to 1918 where Torchwood of 1918 originally retrieved him so he can…stop time from unraveling or something. It’s all very confusing.

Spoiler rating: 2

 

"Meat" (it’s not what it sounds like)

A group of horrible humans capture an alien cow and harvest meat from it while it’s still alive. It’s seriously awful. Seriously, you might want to just go donate to PETA instead of reading this.

Spoiler rating: 2

 

"Adam" (or: Meeeeeemmmmrriiiiiiieeeeessss)

An alien that feeds/survives by injecting itself into human memories screws with the teams brains for a few days.

Spoiler rating: 3

 

"Reset" (or: Martha Redux)

Seriously, why do I have to recap four whole episodes with Martha when I’m only getting two with Donna (the best companion ever)? Ugh. Anyway, Charles Widmore invents a drug that cures every human ailment but has a nasty side effect of making alien babies hatch inside you and chew their way out.

Spoiler rating: 5

 

"Dead Man Walking" (or: Zombie Jesus Owen)

Owen is brought back to some semblance of life. Martha is still lingering around for reasons unknown and the team has to fight Death itself (here played by a lumbering skeleton with a smoke cloud clinging to it like that Peanuts kid). It’s all completely ridiculous.

Spoiler rating: 2

 

"A Day in the Death" (or: Suicide is Painless)

Owen adjusts to his new zombie status while talking a woman out of jumping off a building. More importantly, Martha FINALLY LEAVES.

Spoiler rating: 2

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"Something Borrowed" (or: Purple Wedding of Torchwood)

Gwen is impregnated with alien spawn the night before her wedding to Rhys and the writers seem to be under the impression that we still give a shit about the possibility of Jack and Gwen hooking up.

Spoiler rating: 2

 

"Adrift" (or: What Giveth Can Also Taketh)

Gwen discovers that the rift works both ways in possibly the most depressing (if the best) episode of the season.

Spoiler rating: 3

 

"Fragments" (or: Now for an Ode to "Lost")

The team are involved in an explosion and, as they dig themselves out, we flashback to show how they all joined Torchwood.

Spoiler rating: 4

 

"Exit Wounds" (or: Family Reunions Suck)

Captain John returns (yay!) and this time he has Jack's brother in tow (boo!). Everything goes sideways and basically everybody has to make some sort of sacrifice.

Spoiler rating: 4

 

 

Doctor Who Crossovers:

 

"Stolen Earth" (or: The Mother Of All Class Reunions)

Russell T Davis does a full crossover between Doctor Who and BOTH of its spinoffs, bringing in not only all the major players from the past four years of all shows, but all the plot points because there WILL BE NO LOOSE ENDS. Only a lot of cliffhangers.

Spoiler rating: 3

 

"Journey's End" (or: Now With More David Tennants)

Chrissy and I sacrifice the health of our livers for an episode that involves flying the Earth through space via magical trailer hitch. Also, because there weren't enough characters, the Doctor gets a clone. There are a lot of goodbyes.

Spoiler rating: 3