Stand Alone Movie Recaps

Spoiler ratings guide here (opens in a new window). Recaps are in reverse order of publication.


NEW - - > Crimson Peak (or: Gothic Romantic Tragedy with a Side of Ghosts)
Chrissy drags me into another Tom Hiddelston movie which we completely fail to finish before Halloween and spends most of it trying to get me to talk about fic and various headcanons.


"Only Lovers Left Alive" (or: The Arthouse Vampire Movie)
As promised, the winner of my Twitter poll for which movie Chrissy and I should recap.

Spoiler rating: 2


"Kong Skull Island" (or: We're Not Here for the Plot)
Emilio wanted to join me for another recap and, after a bunch of tweets about Gorilla penises, here we are.

Spoiler rating: 2


"Vantage Point" (or: Once More with Pretentiousness)
The president is shot at a summit, a bomb goes off and, according to the preview, we see all of it from the perspectives of eight strangers. Whoever counted must have been using some sort of new math because I can't come up with the same number.
Spoiler rating: 5 unless you've seen the full preview more than twice, in which case 4. Or maybe 3.


"We Are Marshall" (or: A Turkey Off the Broom with a Flunge)
Do I need to do a summary? Take any random football movie and add a plane crash and all the accompanying angst and you've pretty much got it.
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Spoiler rating: 1(0)


"Kingdom of Heaven" (or: Who in the What Now?) 

One of these days I will recap a movie of Orlando's wherein he does not have a sword in his hand every other scene. Until then, I'll just be annoyed by Ridley Scott's usual troup of soulless characters.
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Old Review
Spoiler rating: Depends on your knowledge of religious/Middle East history. 1(2)


"Monster In Law" (or: Mommie Dearest?).

When they filmed this movie, they needed a pretty boy used to playing second-fiddle to strong female characters. Unfortunately, Mark Ruffalo wasn’t available, so they went with Michael Vartan.

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Spoiler rating: 0


"Troy" (or: Hot Guys in Metal Skirts)
Four words: Brad. Pitt. Orlando. Bloom. 'Nuff said.
Spoiler rating: 1 (4)


"Speed Racer" (or: WHEEEEEBOOM!)
Matthew takes a break from serious roles to dress up in S&M geer and sit in front of a green screen for days pretending to drive space cars, occasionally playing mentor to an angsty teenager who can't seem to move his neck like a normal human.
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Spoiler rating: 1(3)


"Black Hawk Down" (or: Zzzzzzzz...)
I'm not entirely certain what the point to this movie was, other than to shove a whole lot of patriotism down the audience's throats, but it involved a lot of dust and debris flying at the camera and Orlando Bloom and Eric Bana attempting to speak in American accents.
Spoiler rating: 1 (3)


"Myth of Fingerprints" (or: Why God Invented Psychotherapy)
You know what? I don't have a clue what the main plot of this movie was supposed to be, but I typed until my fingers cramped up so I could finish this recap in time for the holiday season. Enjoy it, damnit.
Spoiler rating: 3


"One Hour Photo" (or: How to Be a Creepy Stalker in Three Easy Steps).

1. Make sure your hair/skin tone serve to make you blend completely into the background, 2. Have absolutely no sense of boundaries, 3. Be batshit crazy.
Spoiler rating: 2


"Mists of Avalon" (or: Mihhists of Avalohhhhhnn).

The story of Camelot from the women’s point of view (yay!). Also, I spend most of it bitching about how long the movie is. Clearly, this was long before LOTR.

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Spoiler rating: 1 (2)


"The X-Files: I Want to Believe" (or: I Waited Six Years for *This*?)
There's some plot about a guy trying to save his gay lover and a whole lotta preaching about stem cell research and miracles, but mostly? Chris Carter officially murders a once beloved series. I'd send an army of dogs to poo on his lawn, but they saw the movie too and are now afraid to go near him.
Spoiler rating: 0


"Never Been Kissed" (or: Meeeemmmmrieeees)
Drew Barrymore goes undercover as a high school student and falls in love with her English teacher after she exposes Diandra to painful memories...although that didn't make her like the movie any less.
Spoiler rating: 2


"Sand" (or: Bleepitty-Bleep-Bleep)
Some guy ditches his loser family only to have them follow him to a beach, attempt to rape his girlfriend and try to kill each other. Oh, and Dennis Leary swears like a drunken sailor, but what else is new?
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pic 1, pic 2]
Spoiler rating: 3


"It Had to Be You" (or: This Old Cliché)
A guy and a girl meet on the weekend they are both finalizing their wedding plans (both are getting married BUT NOT TO EACH OTHER), and fall in love, which apparently forces them to spew bad, clichéd dialogue at each other.
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pic 1]
Spoiler rating: 0


"Fiorile" (or: Typical Italian Angst Fest With Gratuitous Breasts)
The circle of life. History repeats itself. Blah blah blah. Michael speaks French and Italian and is dubbed over by a guy who sounds nothing like him. He's also about twenty years old and minus the big honkin' tattoo on his shoulder.
Spoiler rating: 3


"Striptease" (or: Why the Razzies were Invented)
A stripper with a heart of gold tries to get her daughter back from her slimebag ex-husband (guess who?) and then the writers get lazy and turn what could have been a nice Erin Brokovich-like story into a half-ass screwball comedy.
Spoiler rating: 0


"The Curve" (or: College for Dummies)
A couple college students plot to kill their roommate to insure the school will give them a 4.0. Yeah. What college is this?
Spoiler rating: ?


"Eye See You" (or: Ewwwwwwww!)
Sylvester Stalone mumbles his way through yet another movie, Robert Patrick acts like a total prick and still manages to send Diandra's blood pressure through the roof and a cop killer obsessed with mutilating people's eyes grosses everybody out.
Spoiler rating: 3


"Angels Don't Sleep Here" (or: Who Am I? Where Am I? What's That About a Witch?)
Warning: do not read this recap while trying to operate heavy machinery as you will likely have mass amounts of painkillers running through your bloodstream by the end of it to combat the POUNDING HEADACHE you will get trying to understand this contrived plot.
Spoiler rating: Either a ? or a 3. I'll let you know when my head stops pounding.


"Fire in the Sky" (or: The Truth is Out There...Maybe)
Based on a true story about a guy who claims he was abducted by aliens. He was not probed, however, as aliens apparently have the same fascination with people's eyes as the copkiller in "Eye See You".
Spoiler rating: 1 (2 probably because this one's almost more review than recap)


"Evolution" (or: Giant Blue Monkeys of Death)
A meteor crashes in Arizona, carrying alien life that threatens to take over the planet, disaster movie clichés abound, etc. The fate of the world depends on a couple of community college teachers, a really clumsy CDC deputy director and a mostly useless firefighter in training. Basically, if this were the real world we'd all be screwed.
Spoiler rating: 2, or if you have seen more than two disaster and/or alien invasion movies: 1